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Previously on "Web Therapy"...
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- In a week?
- In a week.
3
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This is the reason for the internet call...
4
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- Uh-huh.
- And my need of your services.
5
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Right.
6
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I have... I'm being deposed...
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about my lying.
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Oh.
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And if it's found out that
I am a compulsive liar,
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then I'm gonna be disbarred.
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I'm preparing to tamper with the brakes
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on the justice's car tonight...
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What?
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In the Pennsylvania supreme court.
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No. Why would you do that?
16
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Because I want to get Kip a
seat on the supreme court.
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What's going on, all right?
I'm not buying this.
18
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Let's just say that I'm privy
to some of your sessions,
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- or I have at least...
- How?
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I've...
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How are you privy to some of my sessions,
hacker?
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Are you a hacker?
23
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N-no.
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There's a big distinction
between what I do and hacking.
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I work for the National Security Agency,
so...
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The NSA?
27
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S04E11
No Stranger to Scandal
28
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sync and corrected by ninh
www.addic7ed.com
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Ah.
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- I hope this works.
- What is that getup?
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Oh, hi, Fiona.
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I just thought I'd call and
leave you a message about...
33
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I'm just knitting some booties,
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hoping that you and Kip have a baby soon.
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- I so look forward...
- She's lost her mind.
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to being a grandmama.
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You know,
the funniest thing I was thinking about...
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those jokes we were playing
and having fun with.
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Oh, it was so much fun, playing around,
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and I talked to you about
tampering with the car's brakes,
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you know, and, of course,
you know I was kidding,
42
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and I know that the NSA
must know that I'm kidding,
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because... [Fast-forwarding]
44
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And I would never kill a judge,
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because that would be wrong...
[Fast-forwarding]
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♪ Oh, say can you see ♪
47
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[Fast-forwarding]
48
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Who does she think is in the NSA?
49
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God bless you, God bless America,
and good night.
50
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I hope that fucking did it.
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God damn it, I get sick of it.
52
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Oh, well done.
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Let's see.
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Well, did it work, NSA?
55
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Oh, Tyler Bishop's waiting.
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Well, hello... hello, Tyler?
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Motion to strike. Motion to strike.
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Oh, hello!
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Did I keep you waiting that long?
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No, I'm sorry.
I'm so glad that you're here.
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I-I-I can't believe it,
but I think I'm cured.
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- I've spent the whole day...
- In just eight sessions?
63
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the whole day just telling the truth.
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You're amazing.
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Oh! You're welcome!
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It's like I can't even tell a lie now.
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Oh, that's wonderful,
but I hope you don't mind,
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I'm gonna test you...
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- Oh.
- A little.
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Oh, that's fine.
I think I could... I'd hold up to that.
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- All right.
- That's fine. Go ahead.
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I'm good, but I don't know...
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okay, let's see. Am I...
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I would like to sleep with you...
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Okay. Well, yes.
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Sometime.
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I believe you,
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and I believe, of course,
you're telling the truth.
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It happens a lot.
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- And not just sleep.
- Right.
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No, I understood that to mean...
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well, you really...
you are being very honest.
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Yeah, I can't believe it.
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That's why I got this
smile painted on my face.
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- I can't believe it.
- Oh!
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Let's have sex sometime.
[Laughs]
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We should make a plan.
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I'm very proud of myself,
though, I have to say,
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because I knew I was good,
but lawyers can be tricky,
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- which is a compliment, I guess.
- Oh, well, thank you very much.
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00:03:56,010 --> 00:03:57,676
And I think you should spread the word.
92
00:03:57,712 --> 00:03:59,428
- Yes.
- I think you should...
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you know,
you should definitely tell your husband
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00:04:01,465 --> 00:04:02,848
that you were able to cure me.
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You know what?
I think I will tell my husband,
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because sometimes he doesn't believe
97
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that what I do is worthwhile
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and that I'm helping people in the world.
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I think you should definitely
talk to your husband.
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Tell... don't say the thing
that we were just talking about.
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- No, I know enough to lie.
- Leave that out.
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Sometimes it's good to lie,
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so I think that's the balance
that you're going to figure out.
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You've just done a miraculous job with me.
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I'm transformed,
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and it'd be great for you
to tell your husband that,
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so he would know the great
work that you're doing.
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You know, in fact, I don't think
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you charge enough for these sessions.
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You're not charging enough.
111
00:04:34,131 --> 00:04:37,466
Well, $2,500 per session is nice, so...
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I would... personally,
I would like to pay you $5,000 a session
113
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for the next 12 sessions.
114
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Okay, well, let me understand this.
115
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You're going to pay me $60,000 for this?
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- Yes.
- Deal!
117
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Thank you.
[Chuckles]
118
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You're welcome. It's my pleasure.
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00:04:54,769 --> 00:04:57,019
And this isn't personal.
This isn't about the other thing.
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This is about how much you're helping me.
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I believe you. I do.
122
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- I hope you know...
- it's all right...
123
00:05:01,692 --> 00:05:04,526
- I-I'm... I'm... I tape this...
- These sessions?
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00:05:04,528 --> 00:05:06,862
Because I want to get you more work
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00:05:06,914 --> 00:05:08,530
with more lawyers who lie...
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Oh.
127
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Because we have meetings that we have
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about people who can't tell the truth.
129
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- Oh, there's a support group?
- There's a support group.
130
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The only problem is that everybody
131
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lies about where it is.
132
00:05:20,261 --> 00:05:21,877
- Okay.
- So nobody can ever find it.
133
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So you have a lot of
other lawyer-liar friends
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that would be willing to pay as much
135
00:05:27,718 --> 00:05:29,518
as you're willing to pay, do you think?
136
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I should call them my lawyer-liar friends.
137
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That should be the name
of the support group,
138
00:05:34,194 --> 00:05:35,727
because the name of the support group
139
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- is "hey, come on."
- Oh.
140
00:05:37,731 --> 00:05:39,948
So, if you don't mind, I'd like to...
141
00:05:39,983 --> 00:05:42,033
I have my own editing bay.
142
00:05:42,069 --> 00:05:43,735
- Oh.
- That's actually true.
143
00:05:43,737 --> 00:05:45,236
Okay.
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And I could edit out the section about
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we're gonna have sex with each other.
146
00:05:48,542 --> 00:05:52,077
Right, but that was a joke anyway,
you know.
147
00:05:52,129 --> 00:05:54,412
So, when you were saying that
you wanted to get together
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and have sex, that wasn't true?
149
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You weren't telling the truth?
150
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No, I wasn't. I wasn't!
151
00:06:01,004 --> 00:06:02,921
No, I wasn't telling the truth!
152
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[Whispering] Yes, I was. I was.
153
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- Can you hear?
- I...
154
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[whispering] I want to too.
155
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I want to. Okay.
156
00:06:17,437 --> 00:06:20,105
- Hello, Gina.
- Hi, goddess.
157
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[Laughs]
158
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- Look at you.
- I'm at sex anon...
159
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Yes, that's good.
160
00:06:24,828 --> 00:06:26,277
In Nevada.
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You have so many lesions on you.
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- Wow.
- Oh, hickeys.
163
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It's crazy here.
164
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It's like the sex Olympics.
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- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
166
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It's kind of like this thing
called immersion therapy...
167
00:06:37,124 --> 00:06:39,424
- Uh-huh.
- where it teaches us...
168
00:06:39,459 --> 00:06:42,961
like,
we fuck so much that you get bored of it.
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Oh.
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00:06:44,631 --> 00:06:46,464
It's like fucking and you don't get paid,
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and sometimes, like,
we fuck so hard that we, like...
172
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some of us pass out, and we get sick of it.
173
00:06:50,804 --> 00:06:53,104
- Interesting.
- But that hasn't happened yet.
174
00:06:53,140 --> 00:06:54,806
No one's gotten sick of it.
175
00:06:54,858 --> 00:06:56,307
- Oh.
- Yeah.
176
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These are, like, sex animals, sex athletes.
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Wow. All right.
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00:07:00,647 --> 00:07:01,980
- Yeah.
- Wow. Good luck.
179
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I hope you get... I hope you vomit.
180
00:07:04,734 --> 00:07:06,651
- Yes! That would be great...
- Okay.
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00:07:06,703 --> 00:07:08,486
But, I mean, I can take it.
182
00:07:08,488 --> 00:07:09,571
- Right.
- I can take a lot...
183
00:07:09,623 --> 00:07:10,738
- Yeah.
- without vomiting.
184
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Something to be proud of.
185
00:07:12,125 --> 00:07:14,576
- Yeah, out of every orifice.
- Uh-huh.
186
00:07:14,628 --> 00:07:16,828
You know,
I've been doing a lot of thinking,
187
00:07:16,830 --> 00:07:18,963
in between our sex-ssions,
188
00:07:18,999 --> 00:07:22,834
and I was thinking that maybe I might sign,
you know,
189
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the baby over to Jerome.
190
00:07:25,422 --> 00:07:28,640
Oh, all right. Sure, yeah.
191
00:07:28,675 --> 00:07:30,925
Yeah, I just really feel like
it's the right thing to do,
192
00:07:30,977 --> 00:07:32,343
and...
193
00:07:32,395 --> 00:07:35,146
[Whispering] I never
really liked him anyway.
194
00:07:35,182 --> 00:07:36,981
Oh, well, you know, that happens...
195
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Sorry.
196
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- With my mother, for example.
- Ready.
197
00:07:41,438 --> 00:07:43,521
I'm sorry, sweetie. I can't.
198
00:07:43,573 --> 00:07:46,191
I'm using my mouth for talking right now.
199
00:07:46,193 --> 00:07:47,826
Well, what are we gonna do about this here?
200
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Calm it down!
201
00:07:49,863 --> 00:07:51,446
Think of your mom.
202
00:07:51,498 --> 00:07:53,081
Slap it. No, don't slap it.
203
00:07:53,116 --> 00:07:55,700
Should I let you go maybe,
and then you can...
204
00:07:55,702 --> 00:07:57,168
- Yeah.
- That sounds great.
205
00:07:57,204 --> 00:07:59,037
You can start... commence treatment.
206
00:07:59,039 --> 00:08:01,172
- All right.
- Yeah, this is important work.
207
00:08:01,208 --> 00:08:02,841
It is, and I... good... okay.
208
00:08:02,876 --> 00:08:04,209
It's like the work that you do...
209
00:08:04,211 --> 00:08:06,177
- Almost.
- But with penises.
210
00:08:06,213 --> 00:08:08,763
Right. That...
you took the words right out of my mouth.
211
00:08:08,798 --> 00:08:10,014
- All right.
- And into your mouth.
212
00:08:10,050 --> 00:08:12,267
Oh. [Laughs]
213
00:08:18,608 --> 00:08:21,059
- Oh, hello, Tyler.
- Hey. I got great news.
214
00:08:21,061 --> 00:08:22,560
- I'm so happy.
- Oh.
215
00:08:22,562 --> 00:08:24,729
I just wanted you to know
the hearing went great.
216
00:08:24,731 --> 00:08:25,959
Oh!
217
00:08:25,979 --> 00:08:28,066
I've been acquitted.
I'm able to be a lawyer again.
218
00:08:28,118 --> 00:08:30,118
- Thank you so much.
- That's wonderful.
219
00:08:30,153 --> 00:08:31,619
- That's wonderful.
- Yeah.
220
00:08:31,655 --> 00:08:33,655
- Congratulations.
- I'm so excited.
221
00:08:33,707 --> 00:08:37,992
I'm so excited to...
to thank you and to continue practicing
222
00:08:38,044 --> 00:08:41,212
and helping... helping the lesser...
the lesser man.
223
00:08:41,248 --> 00:08:43,498
Yes. It's nice to be in service, isn't it?
224
00:08:43,550 --> 00:08:45,166
I do pro bono work.
225
00:08:45,218 --> 00:08:46,918
- Oh, good for you.
- Yeah.
226
00:08:46,970 --> 00:08:51,172
Not only that,
but I do work for poor people for free.
227
00:08:51,224 --> 00:08:53,675
I don't understand your
sense of humor all the time.
228
00:08:53,727 --> 00:08:55,760
- Well, I'll explain it to you.
- That's all right.
229
00:08:55,762 --> 00:08:57,095
It's like... it's like a book.
230
00:08:57,147 --> 00:08:58,930
It's like if you're reading a book,
231
00:08:58,982 --> 00:09:01,099
and then you drop the book.
232
00:09:03,820 --> 00:09:05,937
I guess I just like stuff
where people get hurt,
233
00:09:05,989 --> 00:09:07,906
so, you know...
234
00:09:07,941 --> 00:09:09,607
And embarrassed, and ashamed.
235
00:09:09,659 --> 00:09:12,277
Well, maybe the book lands...
the book lands on a fly.
236
00:09:12,329 --> 00:09:15,613
- Right, and the fly gets squashed.
- That's hilarious, right?
237
00:09:15,615 --> 00:09:18,166
Especially if there's one leg moving.
238
00:09:18,201 --> 00:09:20,001
Right, so it's not completely dead.
239
00:09:20,036 --> 00:09:21,286
It's so pathetic.
240
00:09:21,288 --> 00:09:23,871
And it would have to be, like,
war and peace or some heavy book.
241
00:09:23,924 --> 00:09:25,623
[Laughing]
242
00:09:25,625 --> 00:09:27,091
Anyway, that's my sense of humor.
243
00:09:27,127 --> 00:09:28,760
Okay. So the hearing was today.
244
00:09:28,795 --> 00:09:30,211
- That's great.
- The hearing was today.
245
00:09:30,263 --> 00:09:32,046
I didn't know.
246
00:09:32,098 --> 00:09:34,132
And the incredible thing is
that the judge was your husband,
247
00:09:34,134 --> 00:09:35,600
Kip, Kipper, Kipperstein,
248
00:09:35,635 --> 00:09:37,051
Kipper, the Kipper, the big Kipper.
249
00:09:37,103 --> 00:09:38,636
Kip Wallice.
250
00:09:38,688 --> 00:09:40,271
That's my husband. He was your judge?
251
00:09:40,307 --> 00:09:42,023
- Like the big Gipper...
- Oh.
252
00:09:42,058 --> 00:09:43,024
But the big Kipper.
253
00:09:43,059 --> 00:09:44,692
Oh. Okay.
254
00:09:44,728 --> 00:09:47,228
That's another example
of my sense of humor.
255
00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:48,980
I'm surprised.
256
00:09:48,982 --> 00:09:51,649
I would think that's a tremendous
conflict of interest, though.
257
00:09:51,651 --> 00:09:53,368
Well, whatever it was, it worked.
258
00:09:53,403 --> 00:09:55,653
I'm allowed to be a lawyer again,
so, you know, thank you.
259
00:09:55,705 --> 00:09:58,239
You're... you're just...
you're just wonderful.
260
00:09:58,291 --> 00:09:59,791
That's... I'm just confused.
261
00:09:59,826 --> 00:10:02,160
I'm surprised he didn't recuse himself.
262
00:10:02,162 --> 00:10:04,712
You didn't let him know that
I was treating you, then.
263
00:10:04,748 --> 00:10:06,464
But he would have seen my signature.
264
00:10:06,499 --> 00:10:08,166
No, he seemed kind of excited about it.
265
00:10:08,168 --> 00:10:10,218
I wonder why he would be excited,
because...
266
00:10:10,253 --> 00:10:13,421
Well, I-I sent him...
I sent him... I hope it's okay...
267
00:10:13,473 --> 00:10:16,975
I sent him a copy of our, you know,
268
00:10:17,010 --> 00:10:18,726
sessions together.
269
00:10:18,762 --> 00:10:22,013
The se... the... but I...
we didn't edit it yet.
270
00:10:22,065 --> 00:10:23,731
No, I edited it.
271
00:10:23,767 --> 00:10:26,317
I took out the...
I took out sort of the naughty parts...
272
00:10:26,353 --> 00:10:28,236
Oh.
273
00:10:28,271 --> 00:10:30,605
Which I'm still hoping are,
you know, really gonna happen,
274
00:10:30,657 --> 00:10:32,240
but I'll send you what I sent to him.
275
00:10:32,275 --> 00:10:34,025
- Okay.
- Okay. You ready?
276
00:10:34,077 --> 00:10:35,610
Yes. Yeah.
277
00:10:35,662 --> 00:10:37,195
It's like a book dropping on a fly.
278
00:10:37,197 --> 00:10:39,864
- Uh-huh.
- Here you go.
279
00:10:39,866 --> 00:10:41,115
Okay, I got it.
280
00:10:41,167 --> 00:10:44,085
Now let me just open it. Okay, let me see.
281
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:47,372
And I have to show this judge
that I'm making progress.
282
00:10:47,424 --> 00:10:49,207
You know, my husband is a lawyer.
283
00:10:49,259 --> 00:10:52,510
I mean, he was a lawyer,
but now he's a judge, so...
284
00:10:52,545 --> 00:10:54,295
You should definitely tell your husband
285
00:10:54,347 --> 00:10:56,014
that you were able to cure me.
286
00:10:56,049 --> 00:10:59,767
You're going to pay me $60,000 for this?
287
00:10:59,803 --> 00:11:00,635
- Oh, no!
- Yes.
288
00:11:00,687 --> 00:11:01,969
- Deal!
- No, no.
289
00:11:02,022 --> 00:11:03,137
Yes, yes.
290
00:11:03,189 --> 00:11:07,058
No, you edited that to make it
look like I was accepting money
291
00:11:07,110 --> 00:11:10,645
in return for access to a judge!
292
00:11:10,697 --> 00:11:12,480
I can't... that's...
293
00:11:12,532 --> 00:11:14,649
that's... that's a lie. That didn't happen.
294
00:11:14,701 --> 00:11:16,734
You know, this could... that's not fair.
295
00:11:16,786 --> 00:11:18,119
This could ruin him, all right?
296
00:11:18,154 --> 00:11:19,821
I... that's not right!
297
00:11:19,873 --> 00:11:21,789
You seem like you're getting quite upset.
298
00:11:21,825 --> 00:11:24,158
I am upset! Of course I'm upset.
299
00:11:24,210 --> 00:11:27,045
You've really helped out a lot.
300
00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:31,082
I just...
okay, so what happened here was, in fact,
301
00:11:31,134 --> 00:11:33,301
that you knew Kip was
going to be your judge,
302
00:11:33,336 --> 00:11:35,253
and that's when you got in touch with me
303
00:11:35,255 --> 00:11:37,889
to ask for "help" for you,
304
00:11:37,924 --> 00:11:41,092
all right,
because you can't stop yourself from lying,
305
00:11:41,144 --> 00:11:44,312
and then you tricked me
into saying those things
306
00:11:44,347 --> 00:11:47,098
that you then edited
together to make it look
307
00:11:47,150 --> 00:11:51,936
like something untoward was happening.
308
00:11:51,988 --> 00:11:53,321
Yes.
309
00:11:53,356 --> 00:11:54,739
Okay, fine. Well, you know what?
310
00:11:54,774 --> 00:11:56,074
I will take solace in the fact
311
00:11:56,109 --> 00:11:59,944
that I'm getting $60,000 for this con.
312
00:11:59,946 --> 00:12:02,530
Well, I can't pay you, obviously, anymore,
313
00:12:02,582 --> 00:12:05,500
because I set this whole thing up,
so I'm still lying,
314
00:12:05,535 --> 00:12:07,251
so you really haven't done anything,
315
00:12:07,287 --> 00:12:11,672
but I would be happy to pay
you for other web services
316
00:12:11,708 --> 00:12:14,959
that exist out there in the world...
317
00:12:14,961 --> 00:12:17,044
Other web services.
318
00:12:17,097 --> 00:12:18,930
Like what?
319
00:12:18,965 --> 00:12:21,901
Well, you could take off...
you could take off your clothes.
320
00:12:25,472 --> 00:12:27,021
Fiona, I'm so sorry.
321
00:12:27,056 --> 00:12:28,773
I destroyed all the files at the NSA,
322
00:12:28,808 --> 00:12:30,441
but there were some on my
laptop for personal use,
323
00:12:30,477 --> 00:12:31,976
and my roommate got in there,
324
00:12:31,978 --> 00:12:33,311
and now he's gonna pull a Snowden.
325
00:12:33,363 --> 00:12:35,613
I'm on my way to South America.
326
00:12:35,648 --> 00:12:37,115
I'm gonna reach out as soon as I can.
327
00:12:37,150 --> 00:12:38,900
I'm so, so sorry.
328
00:12:38,952 --> 00:12:40,535
Okay.
329
00:12:40,570 --> 00:12:42,537
Oh.
330
00:12:48,094 --> 00:12:51,062
Now all my sessions will be posted online,
Kip.
331
00:12:51,097 --> 00:12:52,730
How can we stop it?
332
00:12:52,765 --> 00:12:56,067
No, I can't...
you'd have no pull with the NSA?
333
00:12:56,102 --> 00:12:57,802
You're a judge! I...
334
00:12:57,837 --> 00:13:00,438
but I don't... no, I can't help it!
335
00:13:00,473 --> 00:13:03,274
But... so you can't help at all?
336
00:13:03,309 --> 00:13:05,076
Not at all?
337
00:13:05,111 --> 00:13:07,912
Well, I'm finished!
338
00:13:12,318 --> 00:13:15,253
Oh, no. [Mouse clicking]
339
00:13:15,288 --> 00:13:18,322
I don't think I'm the worst. Don't...
340
00:13:18,358 --> 00:13:21,125
Uh-oh. That's harsh.
341
00:13:21,161 --> 00:13:23,244
Oh, no, that's...
342
00:13:23,279 --> 00:13:26,447
"Cyberbullied"? That's too much.
343
00:13:26,499 --> 00:13:29,450
A teenager wrote this one.
344
00:13:29,502 --> 00:13:32,336
Oh, no. [Stutters]
345
00:13:32,372 --> 00:13:33,871
What about my clients?
346
00:13:33,923 --> 00:13:36,257
They must be coming to my support.
347
00:13:36,292 --> 00:13:38,543
Cancel, cancel, cancel, cancel.
348
00:13:41,014 --> 00:13:44,098
Oh, no.
349
00:13:44,133 --> 00:13:45,716
Oh, this is bad.
350
00:13:50,089 --> 00:13:53,925
[Computer ringing]
351
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:55,026
- Hello?
- Yes.
352
00:13:55,061 --> 00:13:56,227
- Hi, Dr. Wallice.
- Jerome.
353
00:13:56,262 --> 00:13:57,395
- Hi.
- Yes.
354
00:13:57,430 --> 00:13:59,430
Listen, what's happening?
355
00:13:59,465 --> 00:14:01,032
Well, it's so dark. Are you okay?
356
00:14:01,067 --> 00:14:02,867
You're under your...
you're under your desk.
357
00:14:02,902 --> 00:14:05,119
Yes, I'm hiding.
There are reporters everywhere!
358
00:14:05,154 --> 00:14:06,454
- Yeah.
- Can't you see them?
359
00:14:06,489 --> 00:14:07,872
I do, I do. It's quite a crowd,
360
00:14:07,907 --> 00:14:09,323
and, you know, your stalker, Grace,
361
00:14:09,375 --> 00:14:11,075
is serving coffee to all...
362
00:14:11,127 --> 00:14:13,077
she's so sweet. Hi, Grace!
363
00:14:13,129 --> 00:14:14,996
Oh, no, don't encourage her. No.
364
00:14:15,048 --> 00:14:17,048
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- She's trying to get attention.
365
00:14:17,083 --> 00:14:18,966
I don't dare go near my window.
366
00:14:19,002 --> 00:14:21,252
No, but she baked crescent rolls,
and they love it.
367
00:14:21,304 --> 00:14:23,500
- That's great. So they'll never leave.
- Well...
368
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:26,507
Keep them fed.
They're like... they're like stray dogs.
369
00:14:26,559 --> 00:14:27,925
Jerome, this is awful, all right?
370
00:14:27,977 --> 00:14:30,144
I have... my clients are trying to sue me.
371
00:14:30,179 --> 00:14:32,897
They keep trying to
serve me with summonses,
372
00:14:32,932 --> 00:14:35,399
and I can't go near my door or my window,
373
00:14:35,435 --> 00:14:37,101
or I don't... where's Kip?
374
00:14:37,103 --> 00:14:39,270
I called Kip,
and he went into hiding with April,
375
00:14:39,322 --> 00:14:42,073
and I called Putsy,
and she's also off the grid,
376
00:14:42,108 --> 00:14:44,025
so it's very hard to reach anybody.
377
00:14:44,077 --> 00:14:45,409
- Off the grid?
- Yeah.
378
00:14:45,445 --> 00:14:47,445
This is... but I need help. What about me?
379
00:14:47,447 --> 00:14:48,996
I know. They're not... you know what?
380
00:14:49,032 --> 00:14:51,415
They have been advised not
to go anywhere near you.
381
00:14:51,451 --> 00:14:54,285
You're nuclear right now,
because of all the media.
382
00:14:54,287 --> 00:14:57,004
- Are you gonna make a statement?
- Oh, of course I'm not.
383
00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:59,757
I can't go near my window or my door.
384
00:14:59,792 --> 00:15:01,425
- I can't do any of that.
- Yeah, I wouldn't.
385
00:15:01,461 --> 00:15:03,544
I wish I could go over there,
but I can't get through
386
00:15:03,596 --> 00:15:05,463
- that media blitz either.
- No.
387
00:15:05,515 --> 00:15:06,931
If we had built that bridge,
388
00:15:06,966 --> 00:15:08,382
the secret bridge, the passageway
389
00:15:08,434 --> 00:15:11,052
between the two houses...
we should have done that.
390
00:15:11,104 --> 00:15:13,304
Yes, that's my biggest regret, Jerome,
391
00:15:13,306 --> 00:15:15,640
is that I didn't let you build that bridge
392
00:15:15,692 --> 00:15:17,608
so we could have secret meetings.
393
00:15:17,644 --> 00:15:18,899
- Don't...
- You're an idiot!
394
00:15:18,919 --> 00:15:21,362
Well, don't blame yourself.
Don't blame yourself, 'cause I...
395
00:15:21,397 --> 00:15:23,055
- I'm not.
- Oh, okay.
396
00:15:23,075 --> 00:15:25,700
Well, if I could...
397
00:15:25,735 --> 00:15:28,369
- Oh, my goodness, you know what?
- What?
398
00:15:28,404 --> 00:15:30,237
A new truck pulled up, and there's...
399
00:15:30,290 --> 00:15:32,657
- it's from CNN.
- Oh, great.
400
00:15:32,659 --> 00:15:34,659
It's Anderson Cooper! Jeepers!
401
00:15:34,661 --> 00:15:36,744
Here?
402
00:15:41,234 --> 00:15:43,034
[Computer ringing]
403
00:15:43,069 --> 00:15:45,770
Listen, I-I-I don't know you,
404
00:15:45,805 --> 00:15:48,255
and I'm not supposed to be seeing clients,
okay?
405
00:15:48,308 --> 00:15:49,757
Oh, no, no.
406
00:15:49,809 --> 00:15:52,009
I shouldn't even be on this...
the airwaves right now.
407
00:15:52,061 --> 00:15:53,427
- Okay?
- I'm not-I'm not a client.
408
00:15:53,479 --> 00:15:54,595
My name's Jenny Bologna.
409
00:15:54,647 --> 00:15:56,180
- You're a reporter?
- No.
410
00:15:56,182 --> 00:15:57,515
- Is that what you are?
- No, I'm not.
411
00:15:57,517 --> 00:15:59,597
- Because I'm not doing interviews.
- Okay.
412
00:15:59,617 --> 00:16:01,402
I thought you'd be my husband,
413
00:16:01,437 --> 00:16:02,653
'cause he picks fake
names like Jenny Baloney.
414
00:16:02,689 --> 00:16:05,239
Okay. Calm down. Calm down.
415
00:16:05,274 --> 00:16:07,108
Thank you.
416
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:08,693
- My name is Jenny Bologna.
- Yes.
417
00:16:08,745 --> 00:16:10,963
I'm calling you from New York City.
418
00:16:10,983 --> 00:16:13,247
I am a fixer.
419
00:16:13,282 --> 00:16:14,498
- Basically...
- I know what those are.
420
00:16:14,534 --> 00:16:16,033
- Oh, you do?
- Yes.
421
00:16:16,035 --> 00:16:18,452
- Tell me.
- People who fix bad situations.
422
00:16:18,504 --> 00:16:22,039
Basically,
what I do is I help the publicly damaged,
423
00:16:22,091 --> 00:16:24,592
by their own accord or by someone else's,
and I...
424
00:16:24,627 --> 00:16:27,044
Someone else's... that's my case.
425
00:16:27,046 --> 00:16:29,463
Yes,
by their own accord or by someone else's,
426
00:16:29,515 --> 00:16:33,467
and I-I make sure that...
that the world sees them
427
00:16:33,519 --> 00:16:37,021
for who we want the world
to think that they are.
428
00:16:37,056 --> 00:16:38,055
- Oh, all right.
- So...
429
00:16:38,107 --> 00:16:41,525
Well, there's no end to people
who want to make money off of my plight.
430
00:16:41,561 --> 00:16:43,561
Oh, no, no, for free.
431
00:16:43,563 --> 00:16:47,064
All I ask in return is just for your...
your respect
432
00:16:47,066 --> 00:16:48,566
and maybe a thank-you.
433
00:16:48,618 --> 00:16:50,651
But I don't know that I
trust that you are one,
434
00:16:50,703 --> 00:16:52,737
because I've seen many of them,
435
00:16:52,789 --> 00:16:55,156
and all of them have declined my case.
436
00:16:55,208 --> 00:16:58,626
Because right now you are kind
of one of the most hated women
437
00:16:58,661 --> 00:17:00,578
in the greater United States
438
00:17:00,630 --> 00:17:03,414
and some of Europe and
a couple other countries
439
00:17:03,466 --> 00:17:05,082
that I've never even heard of, but...
440
00:17:05,084 --> 00:17:06,667
- Right, which is unfair...
- Right.
441
00:17:06,719 --> 00:17:08,469
because really...
I've been nothing but helpful
442
00:17:08,504 --> 00:17:09,553
to the world with my...
443
00:17:09,589 --> 00:17:11,088
- Well...
- you know, therapy...
444
00:17:11,090 --> 00:17:14,341
my modality has helped so many people,
you know,
445
00:17:14,394 --> 00:17:16,477
and then they have to broadcast sessions,
446
00:17:16,512 --> 00:17:18,062
which... that's not fair.
447
00:17:18,097 --> 00:17:20,181
Well,
now that the world has seen your sessions
448
00:17:20,233 --> 00:17:23,517
and seen you roll your eyes at your clients
449
00:17:23,569 --> 00:17:24,819
- and...
- Well...
450
00:17:24,854 --> 00:17:27,488
Mock them and make it about you,
451
00:17:27,523 --> 00:17:30,274
the world just isn't...
that's not who they fall in love with.
452
00:17:30,326 --> 00:17:32,610
Well, I don't know...
I mean, I feel like it's getting better.
453
00:17:32,662 --> 00:17:34,161
You know, a lot of the broad... it's...
454
00:17:34,197 --> 00:17:36,414
the sessions have been taken down...
455
00:17:36,449 --> 00:17:37,498
- well...
- And...
456
00:17:37,533 --> 00:17:38,699
Yes, they have.
457
00:17:38,751 --> 00:17:41,368
My name is Jenny Bologna.
458
00:17:41,421 --> 00:17:43,587
That's...
are you saying you're responsible?
459
00:17:43,623 --> 00:17:45,840
Why don't you Google your name right now?
460
00:17:45,875 --> 00:17:48,626
- Just type in "Fiona Wallice."
- I don't do-it's too hurtful.
461
00:17:48,628 --> 00:17:51,166
Just Google your name.
462
00:17:53,683 --> 00:17:55,466
You're a slow typer,
but we'll work on that.
463
00:17:55,518 --> 00:17:56,634
Oh.
464
00:17:56,636 --> 00:17:58,686
- Huh?
- Yes, that's...
465
00:17:58,721 --> 00:18:00,137
- What?
- What happened?
466
00:18:00,139 --> 00:18:01,639
No, because the last...
467
00:18:01,691 --> 00:18:04,608
now it just says... it's about me and Kip
468
00:18:04,644 --> 00:18:07,561
and doing charity work,
and I'm the lovely wife of...
469
00:18:07,613 --> 00:18:09,196
but bef...
470
00:18:09,232 --> 00:18:11,615
that's different... you're welcome.
471
00:18:11,651 --> 00:18:13,317
'Cause it used to just be the horror.
472
00:18:13,369 --> 00:18:15,152
You did this?
473
00:18:15,204 --> 00:18:17,037
I'm not saying I did.
I'm not saying I didn't.
474
00:18:17,073 --> 00:18:18,489
But I'm gonna say you're welcome.
475
00:18:18,491 --> 00:18:20,875
You got the bad stories moved down?
476
00:18:20,910 --> 00:18:24,328
Look at what year you were born.
477
00:18:24,380 --> 00:18:25,963
Oh.
478
00:18:25,998 --> 00:18:29,300
That's not...
that's later than when I was...
479
00:18:29,335 --> 00:18:30,835
- I mean, it's pushing it...
- Actually...
480
00:18:30,887 --> 00:18:33,220
- A little bit, but...
- I think I can pass for...
481
00:18:33,256 --> 00:18:35,806
- Anyway, are you convinced now?
- All right.
482
00:18:35,842 --> 00:18:37,081
I mean, I don't know if you've done any...
483
00:18:37,101 --> 00:18:38,726
This is what I'd like to do.
484
00:18:38,761 --> 00:18:42,513
I've already talked to a lot
of my contacts here in New York
485
00:18:42,515 --> 00:18:45,182
and across the entire country,
486
00:18:45,234 --> 00:18:47,518
and I would love for you
to come to New York City...
487
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:50,354
Well, I have a penthouse in New York City.
488
00:18:50,356 --> 00:18:51,856
Oh.
489
00:18:51,858 --> 00:18:53,324
Clearly, you're not in the city,
490
00:18:53,359 --> 00:18:54,775
'cause I see greenery behind you, and...
491
00:18:54,827 --> 00:18:56,494
yeah, but...
492
00:18:56,529 --> 00:18:58,779
I...
yes, no, well, no, I am in New York state.
493
00:18:58,831 --> 00:19:00,364
New York state, right,
494
00:19:00,416 --> 00:19:01,916
but not New York City, like you had said.
495
00:19:01,951 --> 00:19:04,502
- Okay.
- So... I mean, 'cause I'm sharp,
496
00:19:04,537 --> 00:19:06,203
and I can pick up on things.
497
00:19:06,255 --> 00:19:09,507
Well, then we'll meet at
your penthouse in the city...
498
00:19:09,542 --> 00:19:10,708
Right.
499
00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:13,594
Because that's so much better
than just being in New York state.
500
00:19:13,629 --> 00:19:16,514
Well, no, I wasn't trying to put you down,
you know.
501
00:19:16,549 --> 00:19:18,182
You weren't? You know what?
502
00:19:18,217 --> 00:19:20,801
- Maybe you're jealous.
- You're right about that.
503
00:19:20,853 --> 00:19:23,053
- We'll just leave it at that.
- Okay. [Chuckles]
504
00:19:23,055 --> 00:19:25,723
Well, I want you to meet with Arianna,
505
00:19:25,775 --> 00:19:27,308
who's a very good friend of mine.
506
00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:28,893
- Huffington?
- Huffington.
507
00:19:28,945 --> 00:19:30,227
- Huffington Post?
- Yes, of the Huffpo.
508
00:19:30,279 --> 00:19:31,645
Would come to my...
509
00:19:31,697 --> 00:19:34,565
We've got meetings with GSN and HGTV.
510
00:19:34,617 --> 00:19:36,901
Now, it wasn't really a talk show for HGTV.
511
00:19:36,903 --> 00:19:39,153
We're thinking of getting
you on love it or list it.
512
00:19:39,205 --> 00:19:41,655
That way,
people can see you as a real person,
513
00:19:41,707 --> 00:19:43,624
as opposed to the... the uppity,
514
00:19:43,659 --> 00:19:45,326
sort of hoity-toity person
515
00:19:45,378 --> 00:19:47,661
that you portray yourself to
be out there in the world.
516
00:19:47,713 --> 00:19:49,296
You know, let's take you down a notch.
517
00:19:49,332 --> 00:19:51,248
I need to list my house
518
00:19:51,300 --> 00:19:54,251
because I can't stay here anymore,
because it's not safe.
519
00:19:54,303 --> 00:19:57,721
Right, and we don't have to,
like, enhance your face.
520
00:19:57,757 --> 00:20:00,591
You know, you already do look
like someone who hasn't slept
521
00:20:00,643 --> 00:20:02,226
and who has been drinking a lot.
522
00:20:02,261 --> 00:20:05,396
The foundation, maybe,
I'm using is too yellow.
523
00:20:05,431 --> 00:20:07,398
Maybe or...
524
00:20:07,433 --> 00:20:11,902
Or liver damage,
but do you drink a lot, Fiona?
525
00:20:11,938 --> 00:20:14,655
Not normally, but, I mean,
I've had a couple.
526
00:20:14,690 --> 00:20:17,775
Yeah, well, maybe we should
lay off the sauce for a minute.
527
00:20:17,777 --> 00:20:19,777
I'll stop the pills so I can sleep.
528
00:20:19,829 --> 00:20:21,245
Don't stop the pills, honey.
529
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:22,496
Oh, no, no, no, no.
530
00:20:22,531 --> 00:20:24,281
How can we help with the attempted suicide
531
00:20:24,333 --> 00:20:25,866
that we're gonna put out there?
532
00:20:25,918 --> 00:20:28,836
We need to keep those Oxycontin
and whatever you got going
533
00:20:28,871 --> 00:20:31,372
on your nightstand at all times.
534
00:20:31,424 --> 00:20:33,624
I won't have to move to Russia, will I?
535
00:20:33,676 --> 00:20:35,843
[Laughing] I'd rather not.
536
00:20:35,878 --> 00:20:37,628
See, this is what I'm talking about.
537
00:20:37,630 --> 00:20:39,463
Don't know that Ed Snowden and
I would have a lot in common.
538
00:20:39,515 --> 00:20:40,681
What's wrong with Russia?
539
00:20:40,716 --> 00:20:42,299
You got to stop putting people down.
540
00:20:42,301 --> 00:20:44,935
- People have feelings, all right?
- Right, but it's...
541
00:20:44,971 --> 00:20:46,136
- Really...
- that's a nation.
542
00:20:46,188 --> 00:20:47,471
- You really come across...
- Okay.
543
00:20:47,473 --> 00:20:49,390
- Like a really privileged...
- Right.
544
00:20:49,442 --> 00:20:51,859
Those are things to aspire to,
though, aren't they?
545
00:20:51,894 --> 00:20:53,694
I mean, that's America, so we all...
546
00:20:53,729 --> 00:20:55,279
Well, yes, of course. We all...
547
00:20:55,314 --> 00:20:56,697
- We all look up to...
- we all want to be there.
548
00:20:56,732 --> 00:20:59,566
We all didn't get to have Putsy Hodge
as our mother, you know?
549
00:20:59,619 --> 00:21:01,235
- I mean, some of us...
- Oh, you know that, then?
550
00:21:01,287 --> 00:21:02,820
Well, I'm from Boston.
551
00:21:02,822 --> 00:21:03,904
Oh, you're from Boston?
552
00:21:03,956 --> 00:21:05,406
- Oh, yes.
- Oh, I didn't...
553
00:21:05,458 --> 00:21:07,324
We know who Putsy Hodge is.
554
00:21:07,376 --> 00:21:09,627
This is the woman we all aspired
to be when we were growing up.
555
00:21:09,662 --> 00:21:11,128
What? Really?
556
00:21:11,163 --> 00:21:13,497
And we all just watched her, and she's a...
557
00:21:13,499 --> 00:21:14,748
A force.
558
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:16,166
She's a big name in our household.
559
00:21:16,168 --> 00:21:17,551
- In your household?
- Such grace and...
560
00:21:17,586 --> 00:21:18,886
Really?
561
00:21:18,921 --> 00:21:20,387
wisdom and beauty and elegance...
562
00:21:20,423 --> 00:21:23,057
- I suppose, from afar.
- and intelligence...
563
00:21:23,092 --> 00:21:25,843
And probably gave you an
incredible education and...
564
00:21:25,895 --> 00:21:27,394
She did.
565
00:21:27,430 --> 00:21:29,013
She gave me an education on abandonment.
566
00:21:29,065 --> 00:21:31,482
- Oh.
- No, t-that's too harsh.
567
00:21:31,517 --> 00:21:33,851
My parents were divorced, and I...
568
00:21:33,903 --> 00:21:35,853
she had me live with my father.
569
00:21:35,905 --> 00:21:37,438
- Oh.
- She raised my sister...
570
00:21:37,490 --> 00:21:38,689
- Oh.
- Shevaun.
571
00:21:38,691 --> 00:21:41,275
You lived with your father. I...
572
00:21:41,327 --> 00:21:43,527
- Yeah.
- I just...
573
00:21:43,529 --> 00:21:45,362
I didn't have a father, so it's...
574
00:21:45,414 --> 00:21:47,364
- Oh.
- When I hear things like that...
575
00:21:47,366 --> 00:21:49,199
- Oh.
- But this isn't about me, okay?
576
00:21:49,251 --> 00:21:50,951
It's about you.
I want to hear more about you.
577
00:21:51,003 --> 00:21:53,287
What was your... what was your home like?
578
00:21:53,339 --> 00:21:54,872
Did you have electricity?
579
00:21:54,874 --> 00:21:57,708
Yes, of course I had...
you didn't have electricity?
580
00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:00,377
We had candles.
581
00:22:00,429 --> 00:22:03,597
We used those bug zappers sometimes,
582
00:22:03,632 --> 00:22:05,299
which was... really hard to sleep.
583
00:22:05,351 --> 00:22:06,433
Yes, no, they're loud.
584
00:22:06,469 --> 00:22:08,052
But, you know, you could see
585
00:22:08,104 --> 00:22:09,603
how you could get to the pot to piss in,
586
00:22:09,638 --> 00:22:12,189
and I'm not saying that...
"pot to piss in."
587
00:22:12,224 --> 00:22:14,808
I literally had a pot
to piss in in my room.
588
00:22:14,860 --> 00:22:16,944
- But this isn't about me.
- Right.
589
00:22:16,979 --> 00:22:19,029
Okay? This is about you.
590
00:22:19,065 --> 00:22:21,398
This is about you and
the dollhouses you had
591
00:22:21,450 --> 00:22:23,701
and the pretty little
knickers that you had and...
592
00:22:23,736 --> 00:22:25,652
did you have any Mary Jane shoes?
593
00:22:25,705 --> 00:22:28,405
I knew a girl named Mary Jane,
and she was a whore.
594
00:22:28,457 --> 00:22:30,124
- Oh.
- That's all I had.
595
00:22:30,159 --> 00:22:34,378
Well... well, did you grow up
on some colonial re-creation...
596
00:22:34,413 --> 00:22:36,296
- No, we were just very poor.
- Landmark or...?
597
00:22:36,332 --> 00:22:39,333
We just were hit with the shit stick,
598
00:22:39,385 --> 00:22:41,135
- so to speak.
- Wow.
599
00:22:41,170 --> 00:22:43,470
Growing up in our little row house.
600
00:22:43,506 --> 00:22:44,805
- Oh, you... oh.
- Yeah.
601
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:46,724
- Yeah.
- Near St. Vincent's hospital.
602
00:22:46,759 --> 00:22:48,342
That's where I was born.
603
00:22:48,394 --> 00:22:50,844
And here,
I'm gonna blow your mind right now.
604
00:22:50,896 --> 00:22:53,063
I was born there too.
605
00:22:53,099 --> 00:22:54,848
Oh. Well, a lot of children...
606
00:22:54,900 --> 00:22:56,433
In a utility closet...
607
00:22:56,435 --> 00:22:57,985
- Oh, that's...
- but I was born there.
608
00:22:58,020 --> 00:22:59,403
That's the mind-blowing part.
609
00:22:59,438 --> 00:23:00,571
- Yeah.
- Wow.
610
00:23:00,606 --> 00:23:02,022
My first bath was in a mop bucket,
611
00:23:02,074 --> 00:23:04,608
but this is... this isn't about me.
I'm sorry.
612
00:23:04,660 --> 00:23:05,859
No, but you're impressive...
613
00:23:05,911 --> 00:23:07,661
I like to get it all out. Yes.
614
00:23:07,696 --> 00:23:10,864
'Cause you come from such low,
low, low beginnings...
615
00:23:10,916 --> 00:23:12,449
- Yes.
- and then look what you...
616
00:23:12,501 --> 00:23:14,585
And you come from such high,
high, high beginnings.
617
00:23:14,620 --> 00:23:16,754
Right, so people want to tear me down.
618
00:23:16,789 --> 00:23:19,123
They want to tear you down
'cause you're a horrible woman.
619
00:23:19,125 --> 00:23:20,707
Well, that's...
620
00:23:20,760 --> 00:23:22,459
Let's just put it on the table here.
621
00:23:22,461 --> 00:23:24,511
Well, unfortunately,
you know, I mean, when my...
622
00:23:24,547 --> 00:23:26,013
we're no stranger to scandal, right?
623
00:23:26,048 --> 00:23:27,514
Mm, right.
624
00:23:27,550 --> 00:23:29,883
My husband's campaign blew up and...
625
00:23:29,935 --> 00:23:32,136
Yeah, because he's a homosexual.
626
00:23:32,138 --> 00:23:35,139
But why do you think that
that story didn't snowball
627
00:23:35,141 --> 00:23:37,641
and that he's allowed
to be a judge right now?
628
00:23:37,693 --> 00:23:39,893
That...
are you saying you're responsible for...
629
00:23:39,945 --> 00:23:41,645
I'm not saying I did.
630
00:23:41,697 --> 00:23:44,148
I'm not saying I didn't,
but you're welcome.
631
00:23:49,588 --> 00:23:52,039
Lisa's in Philadelphia,
so she'll come up to New York.
632
00:23:52,074 --> 00:23:53,457
- Come up.
- Let's do that again.
633
00:23:53,492 --> 00:23:55,075
- Oh, sorry.
- It's below New York?
634
00:23:55,127 --> 00:23:57,077
Semantics. [Blows raspberry]
635
00:23:57,129 --> 00:23:58,545
- Directions.
- Geography.
636
00:23:58,581 --> 00:24:00,164
What's that about?
637
00:24:00,166 --> 00:24:02,583
Like the north pole is any
different from the south pole.
638
00:24:02,635 --> 00:24:04,001
Okay.
[Laughing]
639
00:24:06,839 --> 00:24:09,306
It's not about me, is it?
640
00:24:09,341 --> 00:24:12,781
- Well, I didn't think it was.
- [Laughs]
641
00:24:13,512 --> 00:24:15,179
Let's get out of this... wow.
642
00:24:15,231 --> 00:24:18,565
[All laughing]
643
00:24:21,153 --> 00:24:22,986
Would it help if you don't...
644
00:24:23,022 --> 00:24:25,422
if they turned the monitor
off so you don't see me?
645
00:24:25,457 --> 00:24:27,558
'Cause you're not supposed to see me.
646
00:24:27,593 --> 00:24:29,760
No, I don't have to think about you.
647
00:24:29,795 --> 00:24:33,030
Okay. [Both laughing]
648
00:24:35,784 --> 00:24:37,584
Anderson!
649
00:24:37,620 --> 00:24:39,786
Anderson!
650
00:24:39,839 --> 00:24:42,206
[Laughing]
651
00:24:42,208 --> 00:24:44,061
Cut. Cut.
652
00:24:44,603 --> 00:24:48,586
sync and corrected by ninh
www.addic7ed.com
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