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Previously on "Web Therapy"...
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Starbucks and Barnes & Noble
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are people you want to be in business with
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because they're very successful.
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And I personally would invest in this.
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Very exciting. I'll write you a check...
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I'll write you a check right now.
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I run a company called absolute last call.
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And it's intimate, uh, erotic conversations
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with, um, older, like...
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geriatric, um, elderly women.
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S04E04
Smile Through the Pain
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sync and corrected by ninh
www.addic7ed.com
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- Hello, Jeb.
- Hello, doctor.
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Hey, you showed up for your appointment.
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I am nothing if not professional.
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Well, I'm very professional myself.
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I'm just surprised. I...
you know, you seemed so...
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irritated or...
I don't know what at the concert with me.
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Just the, you know,
disgust at my physical presence.
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Well, it wasn't so much the
presence as it was the actions.
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But your intriguement with
me and I'm your doctor...
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- So you thought...
- and you have a very,
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- very specific issue.
- Groping me during...
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during a Barry Manilow concert was...
was the right way to...
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Well, that's what the other men were doing.
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I mean, look, I like Mandy.
It's a beautiful song.
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I don't see it as an invitation
to sort of... get physical.
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You don't see anything from
an age-appropriate woman
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as an invitation to get physical.
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That's sort of the problem I
was trying to help you address.
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Okay, can I be honest with you?
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Well, yes, it's what I'm here for.
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- I am attracted to you.
- Okay, finally.
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As wildly inappropriate
as it may have been,
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when you reached down into my lap for the
"candy bar"
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you dropped...
- Mm-hmm.
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obviously I felt something.
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- Oh.
- And...
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I thought you did, but I thought maybe
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I actually did drop a candy bar.
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The problem I'm having is,
if I find myself suddenly,
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bizarrely attracted to a younger woman,
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what is that going to do for my business?
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- Well...
- I can't do what I do
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and be attracted to women like you.
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There's no reason you
can't do any other job.
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It's the thing...
it's the thing that what I do,
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like talking and making
people feel something
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and...
and providing this service to people...
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like, no one does that except me.
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If I go away, it goes away.
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And if I have these feelings
toward someone like you...
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Mm-hmm.
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Your age, then what does that mean?
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It means you're more
normal than you thought,
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that maybe Harold and Maude
wasn't your favorite movie.
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- Such a good movie.
- Wasn't it wonder...
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- Ruth Gordon, wonderful.
- Yeah, just so good.
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Bud cort is a revelation in that.
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Yes, and that would...
that's a fun movie to watch
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because it's absurd, right?
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You enjoyed the movie
because of the absurdity.
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No, because it was real.
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The part that I liked was the reality
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and the, like,
real emotions that they were going through.
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That's the part that I responded to.
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That's, you know,
a big part of why I do what I do.
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But this, now... this is...
you've thrown everything
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- into a tailspin.
- Yeah, but...
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- What do I do...
- You know what, this whole...
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Now that you've entered into this?
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Thing of yours about, "this is my passion.
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"This is what I do.
I don't know what else I would do.
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I'm good at it, and"... no, no, no.
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You know, I took, you know,
pictures of us...
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selfies, they're called... at the concert,
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and then I looked at them, and, you know,
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you are actually good-looking
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on camera.
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- I know.
- Oh, all right.
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Well,
so there's nothing you can do with that?
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Be an actor in commercials or a weatherman?
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Sure, I mean, but that's the easy road.
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Maybe it's easy for you
because that's your destiny.
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I could've done a lot of things in my life.
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- I chose this.
- Mm-hmm.
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You made me think now about
my whole standing in...
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in my business relationship
and my personal relationship.
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Mm.
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If I'm all of a sudden
finding myself attracted
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to women your age, much, much younger...
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- Oh, you're welcome, good.
- I don't know how to...
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how to fix that.
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Okay, so maybe you're not ready.
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Let's continue treatment, all right?
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I think we're due to see
each other in person again.
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Let's meet tonight so that
we can further explore this.
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Okay. Yeah, no, that makes sense.
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That makes sense. I just... I don't...
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I don't have a lot of time. I have the...
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I have the graveyard shift tonight, so...
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Right, aren't they all in bed by 8:00?
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Well, no,
you think "graveyard shift" is a time.
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It just means ladies that are older than...
than 90-plus.
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Oh. Oh.
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- Uh, hi.
- Oh, hello.
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- Hi.
- Hi, I'm Dr. Fiona Wallice.
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Well, I know who you are.
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Yes, 'cause you... I don't think...
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do you have an appointment? I don't...
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No, I have been calling you.
I'm your neighbor, Grace.
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And it's so nice to meet you.
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I've been calling you and calling you.
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You have?
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I'm the one who sent
the edible arrangement.
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- Oh, that was you.
- Yes.
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I knocked, and you didn't answer,
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- and I peeked in the window...
- Oh.
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Nothing. So I thought I'd send you...
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I thought it was a religious organization
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'cause it just said... it was just "Grace."
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So I thought it was someone, you know,
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offering, you know, I don't know,
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wishing me grace.
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Well, I do. I wish you grace.
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- Oh, thank you.
- And here I am.
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Oh, that was really nice.
I'm not new to the neighborhood.
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I gave them to the next-door neighbors,
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assuming it was meant for them
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as a welcome-to-the-neighborhood gift.
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Well,
it very definitely was not meant for them.
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Oh.
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I have watched in horror, and...
and I wonder
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who these, uh, do-no...
no-do-gooders are...
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Right, exactly.
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Because, uh, the girl has a tiny Jean
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that doesn't seem to cover...
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- it can only be called her crack.
- Right.
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And she's planted carnations,
which is a prom flower
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and has no place in the neighborhood.
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I know,
she thinks they're pretty and elegant.
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Well, they're not.
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I know. I'm so sorry.
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There is a-a regular duck dynasty
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going on over there.
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There's a baby and a blonde
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and a brunette and a
gentleman that's running a...
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- probably a brothel.
- Well, no, he's not.
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That's...
he's my assistant, who, you know...
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Oh.
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And he won this sort of lottery, all right,
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I guess is the only way to look at it,
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and so they purchased the house next door.
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It's, you know... yes, it's not the sort
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we usually have in our neighborhood.
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And so I'm sorry,
even though I'm not responsible,
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I am sorry, you know, for the neighborhood.
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Well... Okay, I forgive you.
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Oh, thanks.
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Just 'cause you're so darn cute.
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But we must do something.
I mean, he is your assistant.
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But maybe,
are you head of the homeowners association,
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or the neighborhood watch or something?
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Maybe you can come up with
a reason to get them out,
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although I don't think there is one,
legally,
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but, um, you know.
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Well, I'm not the head of the homeowners,
no, but I am...
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You're involved in the neighborhood, okay.
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Well,
what I like to do with my time is, um,
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a lot of charity work, because...
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- Good for you.
- It's important to have
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a lot of parties, and, uh, you know,
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if they help people along the way,
that's great.
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- Uh-huh.
- But, um,
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I also have a women's group.
I have a book club.
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I have, you know, a lot of things going on.
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You should come over.
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Oh, well, your life is so full,
I wouldn't want to intrude.
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Well,
we can always make room for one more blonde
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at the table, you know?
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Like, all of us blondes,
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just sitting around and
talking about our money.
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You know, it would be fun.
You should come over.
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We have a couple charities
going on right now.
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- We have a flash mob charity...
- Ah.
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Because the flash mob has kind of been,
you know,
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- tossed to the wayside.
- Right.
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And so we're doing a flash mob
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to promote the flash mob business.
191
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- Uh-huh. Oh, is it a business?
- And so it's kind of
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- a charity tie-in.
- Yeah, right.
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No, what a funsy idea. And then, uh...
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And then we perform at the mall,
and, you know.
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Right, well, I couldn't possibly commit
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to something like that
with my work schedule.
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- I would only disappoint.
- Oh.
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So... but enjoy your resurrection
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of a meaningless fad that went
as quickly as it came, rightly.
200
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Wow.
201
00:08:48,153 --> 00:08:49,519
I don't know how to put it.
202
00:08:49,521 --> 00:08:52,188
I guess Marnie was... was right about...
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00:08:52,190 --> 00:08:54,941
- Marnie?
- Uh, yes, uh...
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00:08:54,993 --> 00:08:56,443
Marnie Westport?
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You're friends with Marnie Westport?
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00:08:58,663 --> 00:09:02,999
Well, yeah, I mean, very much so.
207
00:09:03,034 --> 00:09:05,201
Oh, you sort of look like her.
208
00:09:05,253 --> 00:09:07,921
Oh, well, it's like, you know,
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00:09:07,956 --> 00:09:10,840
when two besties spend
a lot of time together,
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you start to, I guess,
rub off on each other, you know?
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I've been trying to meet with
her because Senator Westport
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is on the judiciary committee,
and so I was trying
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00:09:20,051 --> 00:09:22,635
to arrange a little intimate dinner party.
214
00:09:22,687 --> 00:09:25,688
But, you know, unfortunately,
I met Marnie somewhere,
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00:09:25,724 --> 00:09:27,974
and I didn't know who she was, so of course
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you're very disinterested
when you first meet someone
217
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and a little dismissive, you know,
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00:09:32,564 --> 00:09:34,230
like we all are with strangers,
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00:09:34,232 --> 00:09:37,283
and so I think she was a
little sensitive to that.
220
00:09:37,319 --> 00:09:40,236
So, you know, we have...
and she's sort of been resisting.
221
00:09:40,288 --> 00:09:45,158
She can be a little, uh, prickly, for sure.
222
00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:47,410
- Oh.
- And, you know,
223
00:09:47,412 --> 00:09:50,413
as, like, sisters do, you have your...
224
00:09:50,415 --> 00:09:52,298
your, you know, your heres and your theres.
225
00:09:52,334 --> 00:09:55,051
- You're sisters?
- Practically.
226
00:09:55,086 --> 00:09:58,338
Oh, you're not sisters, okay.
227
00:09:58,390 --> 00:10:01,641
Well, either you are or you aren't.
228
00:10:01,676 --> 00:10:04,561
Well, we are, even though we're not.
229
00:10:04,596 --> 00:10:06,513
All right. Oh, good for you.
You're so close.
230
00:10:06,565 --> 00:10:08,515
We just like the exact same things,
231
00:10:08,567 --> 00:10:10,400
except once in a while she's like, "aah!"
232
00:10:10,435 --> 00:10:12,819
But pretty much, you know, we're...
233
00:10:12,854 --> 00:10:16,439
You should come over, and,
um, we have lots of fun.
234
00:10:16,441 --> 00:10:19,275
We sit around, and we have so much fun.
235
00:10:19,277 --> 00:10:20,944
- Oh, you and Marnie?
- Mm-hmm.
236
00:10:20,946 --> 00:10:23,329
And all the girls, everybody.
A lot of people.
237
00:10:23,365 --> 00:10:25,949
- Do you watch Kathie Lee & Hoda?
- No, I don't.
238
00:10:26,001 --> 00:10:27,283
They... well...
239
00:10:27,285 --> 00:10:28,751
- What is that?
- They have so much fun,
240
00:10:28,787 --> 00:10:30,920
it feels like there's,
like, 20 people there.
241
00:10:30,956 --> 00:10:34,958
And they drink wine and laugh,
and that's kind of what we do.
242
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:38,344
- Oh, in the middle of the day.
- Well, for charity.
243
00:10:38,380 --> 00:10:40,046
- Oh.
- Yeah.
244
00:10:40,098 --> 00:10:42,048
- So...
- Oh, you drink for charity?
245
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:43,633
- Mm-hmm.
- I don't know...
246
00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:46,052
I've never heard of that
kind of charitable event.
247
00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:47,804
Come over, have a glass of wine.
248
00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:49,689
Most charity involves a lot of drinking.
249
00:10:49,724 --> 00:10:51,808
That's true.
You know what, I'm being unfair.
250
00:10:51,810 --> 00:10:53,359
I'm being a little contrarian.
251
00:10:53,395 --> 00:10:56,279
You should come over and drink
some charity wine with us.
252
00:10:56,314 --> 00:10:57,780
With you and Marnie? I would love it.
253
00:10:57,816 --> 00:10:59,399
- I would...
- Okay, come over tomorrow.
254
00:10:59,451 --> 00:11:01,651
There's, like, a...
we're gonna have a bunco,
255
00:11:01,703 --> 00:11:03,953
like, all the girls together
and then give the money
256
00:11:03,989 --> 00:11:05,905
- away to poor people.
- What's a bunco?
257
00:11:05,957 --> 00:11:09,375
It's a dice game, and it's hard,
and it's challenging.
258
00:11:09,411 --> 00:11:11,327
Everybody gets mad at each other.
259
00:11:11,329 --> 00:11:13,830
And if that doesn't work,
we'll play guesstures or something.
260
00:11:13,832 --> 00:11:17,216
- What's guesstures?
- It's where you have a timer,
261
00:11:17,252 --> 00:11:19,218
and it's like charades but more fun.
262
00:11:19,254 --> 00:11:22,972
And, um...
and everybody, like, has to act things out.
263
00:11:23,008 --> 00:11:26,676
Oh, it's like...
so it's like parlor game/charity.
264
00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:28,511
Like, here's a guesstures.
265
00:11:28,513 --> 00:11:30,597
Like, here, let me show you an example.
266
00:11:30,649 --> 00:11:33,733
So, it's like...
Oh, who am I?
267
00:11:33,768 --> 00:11:35,318
- Who am I?
- I don't know.
268
00:11:35,353 --> 00:11:37,820
I d... oh, I don't know. Who am I?
269
00:11:37,856 --> 00:11:41,024
- I don't know.
- I don't know.
270
00:11:41,026 --> 00:11:42,659
A mirror?
271
00:11:42,694 --> 00:11:44,410
- I don't know, who am I?
- A tape recorder?
272
00:11:44,446 --> 00:11:46,496
You're just sort of repeating what I say,
I don't...
273
00:11:46,531 --> 00:11:50,033
- 'cause I'm you!
- Oh, wonderful!
274
00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:52,251
Yay, I win, I win.
275
00:11:52,287 --> 00:11:54,704
Yes, and then you win. Okay.
276
00:11:54,706 --> 00:11:56,289
This is fun. This is really fun.
277
00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:58,758
It is fun. We are... we're connecting.
278
00:11:58,793 --> 00:12:01,260
And just to be sure,
tomorrow night at your house...
279
00:12:01,296 --> 00:12:03,046
- Yes.
- And Marnie will be there.
280
00:12:03,098 --> 00:12:05,932
Why don't you come over early,
and we'll make a dip
281
00:12:05,967 --> 00:12:08,434
- or just hang out?
- And where am I going?
282
00:12:08,470 --> 00:12:10,520
Which house is yours in the neighborhood?
283
00:12:10,555 --> 00:12:12,939
The, uh, house with the blue shutters,
284
00:12:12,974 --> 00:12:16,225
Oh, that's the very...
the one on the corner...
285
00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:18,895
- that's the corner... oh, wow.
- Yes, it is.
286
00:12:18,947 --> 00:12:22,231
You... that's... it looks like a compound.
287
00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:23,149
- If you come early...
- Mm-hmm.
288
00:12:23,201 --> 00:12:24,734
I will show you
289
00:12:24,736 --> 00:12:28,237
the prince William and Kate fountain,
290
00:12:28,239 --> 00:12:33,242
that we are the only people
in America who have it.
291
00:12:33,244 --> 00:12:36,462
The... a fountain in their likeness, or...
292
00:12:36,498 --> 00:12:40,049
- Yes.
- So the outside is good taste.
293
00:12:44,289 --> 00:12:46,322
Hello, Gina.
294
00:12:46,358 --> 00:12:50,560
- Thank you.
- Oh, you're welcome. For what?
295
00:12:50,595 --> 00:12:53,813
I'm thanking you for
inspiring me to get a job.
296
00:12:53,848 --> 00:12:57,850
Oh, good for you.
So what is it you decided to do?
297
00:12:57,902 --> 00:12:59,435
Well, you know, I go door-to-door,
298
00:12:59,437 --> 00:13:03,573
and I sell products,
and then I have little parties
299
00:13:03,608 --> 00:13:07,410
where I come over and
I take out my goods...
300
00:13:07,445 --> 00:13:10,413
- And demonstrate how they work.
- And I demonstrate how they work,
301
00:13:10,448 --> 00:13:12,115
and, I just, you know,
302
00:13:12,117 --> 00:13:14,083
I make them feel comfortable
about the product...
303
00:13:14,119 --> 00:13:15,585
Oh, wow.
304
00:13:15,620 --> 00:13:19,255
Describe which hole it goes in.
305
00:13:19,290 --> 00:13:22,175
Oh.
306
00:13:22,210 --> 00:13:24,794
I don't... how... you mean, like,
307
00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:27,180
I don't underst...
if they're cleaning fluids
308
00:13:27,215 --> 00:13:29,348
or makeup lines... what do you mean?
309
00:13:29,384 --> 00:13:32,602
Well, sometimes I clean them,
but, sometimes, you know,
310
00:13:32,637 --> 00:13:34,804
we don't have time. I just use wipes.
311
00:13:34,856 --> 00:13:38,975
But it's... you know, it's sex toys.
312
00:13:38,977 --> 00:13:40,977
- Oh!
- And I've been inviting
313
00:13:40,979 --> 00:13:44,480
everyone in the neighborhood,
like, all of your friends,
314
00:13:44,482 --> 00:13:46,566
all of the ladies that you know,
315
00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:49,402
Leslie Lawrence from the library,
316
00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:52,789
and that snotty museum lady,
just all of them.
317
00:13:52,824 --> 00:13:56,325
They've been so excited
about these sex toys.
318
00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:58,911
Oh, they truly are? They're buying them?
319
00:13:58,963 --> 00:14:02,548
You would not believe what
these closet freaks are into.
320
00:14:02,584 --> 00:14:06,052
Some of them need, like, six batteries.
321
00:14:06,087 --> 00:14:07,336
What?
322
00:14:07,388 --> 00:14:08,504
Some of them need, like, six batteries.
323
00:14:08,506 --> 00:14:10,089
No, no, I heard it.
324
00:14:10,141 --> 00:14:12,675
- It's amazing.
- Yeah, that's amazing.
325
00:14:12,677 --> 00:14:14,977
It's so fantastic. I have my own company.
326
00:14:15,013 --> 00:14:17,146
- The name of my company...
- Oh, yeah.
327
00:14:17,182 --> 00:14:22,938
Is FEH.
Feel every hole.
328
00:14:22,991 --> 00:14:25,327
- The "h" is silent.
- Clever.
329
00:14:25,347 --> 00:14:26,705
Isn't that fancy?
330
00:14:26,725 --> 00:14:29,733
- Right.
- And also I wanted to tell you...
331
00:14:29,753 --> 00:14:33,164
because I love you so much
your my inpiration.
332
00:14:33,184 --> 00:14:34,850
I get a commission?
333
00:14:34,852 --> 00:14:37,653
Yes, you are going to be the face
334
00:14:37,688 --> 00:14:43,108
of my biggest selling product,
the ass spindle.
335
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:45,861
Oh, do you know what commission means?
336
00:14:45,913 --> 00:14:47,696
It's not that... it's just a fee.
337
00:14:47,748 --> 00:14:49,531
You don't have to put my face on it.
338
00:14:49,533 --> 00:14:50,783
- No.
- It's just a little fee
339
00:14:50,835 --> 00:14:52,167
every time you sell something.
340
00:14:52,203 --> 00:14:55,621
People buy the ass spindle in drones.
341
00:14:55,673 --> 00:14:57,372
Seriously, it's like...
342
00:14:57,424 --> 00:14:59,458
it's got, like, all these great purposes.
343
00:14:59,510 --> 00:15:02,261
Literally, I mean,
the tagline for ass spindle is,
344
00:15:02,296 --> 00:15:03,762
"smile through the pain,"
345
00:15:03,798 --> 00:15:05,464
and I think that that's what you do.
346
00:15:05,516 --> 00:15:07,432
- You smile through the pain.
- Right.
347
00:15:07,468 --> 00:15:09,434
Yes, I do. But I would... I...
348
00:15:09,470 --> 00:15:12,137
I'd be too ashamed to
take credit for something
349
00:15:12,189 --> 00:15:13,939
- that you came up with.
- You should,
350
00:15:13,974 --> 00:15:16,558
because it's also a calligraphy pen.
351
00:15:16,610 --> 00:15:18,894
Oh, that's what you decided it is also?
352
00:15:18,896 --> 00:15:21,230
- If you wipe it.
- Right.
353
00:15:21,282 --> 00:15:24,316
Listen, Gina,
I'm not comfortable taking credit
354
00:15:24,368 --> 00:15:25,400
of any kind.
355
00:15:25,452 --> 00:15:27,236
You know, good marketing...
356
00:15:27,238 --> 00:15:29,371
a smart businessperson keeps it simple.
357
00:15:29,406 --> 00:15:32,457
So, "here's my product. It's Gina Spinks.
358
00:15:32,493 --> 00:15:34,459
"FEH, by Gina Spinks.
359
00:15:34,495 --> 00:15:36,411
Here's the ass spindle. Gina Spinks."
360
00:15:36,463 --> 00:15:39,081
You know,
it all has to stay with the one person
361
00:15:39,133 --> 00:15:41,884
that makes the brand recognizable, right?
362
00:15:41,919 --> 00:15:43,418
I want your face on it because...
363
00:15:43,470 --> 00:15:44,837
I don't want my face on it.
364
00:15:44,889 --> 00:15:47,556
- You sell more sex products...
- Than you do?
365
00:15:47,591 --> 00:15:49,091
- No.
- So I tell everybody
366
00:15:49,143 --> 00:15:51,894
that you're the reason
behind these products,
367
00:15:51,929 --> 00:15:54,429
that you inspired me and empowered me.
368
00:15:54,481 --> 00:15:55,764
Okay, don't do that.
369
00:15:55,766 --> 00:15:57,733
And that you use all of these products.
370
00:15:57,768 --> 00:15:59,067
B-but now, that's a lie.
371
00:15:59,103 --> 00:16:01,687
The ladies in the neighborhood love you,
372
00:16:01,739 --> 00:16:04,823
and if I told them that you use it,
you're behind it,
373
00:16:04,859 --> 00:16:06,859
- they'd buy it up by the dozens.
- No.
374
00:16:06,911 --> 00:16:09,027
My first sale was to Grace Tiverton.
375
00:16:09,079 --> 00:16:10,279
- All right.
- And I told her...
376
00:16:10,299 --> 00:16:12,281
- All right.
- that you loved it.
377
00:16:12,333 --> 00:16:15,083
She bought, like, 12. She wanted 12.
378
00:16:15,119 --> 00:16:17,953
She doesn't even have that many holes.
379
00:16:22,710 --> 00:16:23,926
- Hello, Steven.
- Oh, hey.
380
00:16:23,961 --> 00:16:25,460
- Hey.
- I'm just trying to...
381
00:16:25,462 --> 00:16:27,796
- Oh, look at you.
- I know, this watch is so big.
382
00:16:27,848 --> 00:16:30,966
Is that a new purchase?
Look, you're buying things.
383
00:16:31,018 --> 00:16:32,768
I know, well, I'm taking your advice, so...
384
00:16:32,803 --> 00:16:34,386
good for you. You're feeling...
385
00:16:34,438 --> 00:16:36,972
You know, trying to enjoy the...
the cash flow, so...
386
00:16:36,974 --> 00:16:38,390
- That's wonderful.
- Yeah.
387
00:16:38,442 --> 00:16:40,108
Listen, I'm a little concerned.
388
00:16:40,144 --> 00:16:42,060
I haven't yet received our agreement...
389
00:16:42,112 --> 00:16:43,729
- Oh, yeah.
- With your signature
390
00:16:43,781 --> 00:16:46,481
or any materials about the Skype cafe idea.
391
00:16:46,483 --> 00:16:48,867
Oh, yeah, yeah,
'cause I sent that right out.
392
00:16:48,903 --> 00:16:50,702
Did you?
393
00:16:50,738 --> 00:16:53,071
- 'Cause I haven't received it.
- No.
394
00:16:53,123 --> 00:16:55,791
No, 'cause I knew, you know,
it was another test.
395
00:16:55,826 --> 00:16:58,493
So I... of course I ripped it up and, uh...
396
00:16:58,495 --> 00:16:59,711
What? Oh, no, no, that wasn't a test.
397
00:16:59,747 --> 00:17:01,797
- Yeah.
- No, that was not a test.
398
00:17:01,832 --> 00:17:03,332
- That was not...
- That's real.
399
00:17:03,334 --> 00:17:05,000
No, no, I meant it. It's a real lesson.
400
00:17:05,052 --> 00:17:07,469
You need to learn that when...
in any business arrangement,
401
00:17:07,504 --> 00:17:09,004
even amongst friends, there needs to be
402
00:17:09,056 --> 00:17:11,723
something in writing to
define the agreement.
403
00:17:11,759 --> 00:17:13,425
Right, but I just... I thought you were...
404
00:17:13,477 --> 00:17:15,344
you...
if I had signed it and sent it back to you,
405
00:17:15,396 --> 00:17:16,678
you would've yelled at me again.
406
00:17:16,730 --> 00:17:18,263
No, no. Of course I wouldn't.
407
00:17:18,315 --> 00:17:21,149
That's real.
We are... I sent you a real check.
408
00:17:21,185 --> 00:17:23,769
No, there wasn't any... any check in there.
409
00:17:23,821 --> 00:17:25,520
- Yes, there was.
- No.
410
00:17:25,522 --> 00:17:28,907
Yes, it was paper-clipped to
the agreement that I made out.
411
00:17:28,943 --> 00:17:31,410
Uh, I didn't... I did not see a check.
412
00:17:31,445 --> 00:17:34,363
T... a cashier's check to Joe Drake.
413
00:17:34,415 --> 00:17:35,697
Was it an invisible check?
414
00:17:35,699 --> 00:17:36,782
Another test?
415
00:17:36,834 --> 00:17:38,367
- No.
- Yeah.
416
00:17:38,419 --> 00:17:39,501
It's a real check.
417
00:17:39,536 --> 00:17:42,371
I mean, my balance is less $50,000,
418
00:17:42,423 --> 00:17:44,589
so maybe you just don't see the difference
419
00:17:44,625 --> 00:17:46,625
with your $100 million, you know?
420
00:17:52,383 --> 00:17:54,132
- Hello.
- Hi, delivery for Joe Drake.
421
00:17:54,184 --> 00:17:56,018
Yeah, this is Joe. Hey, listen.
422
00:17:56,053 --> 00:17:57,886
Don't buzz up here again.
I'm gonna leave the door open.
423
00:17:57,888 --> 00:17:59,471
I'll be right up.
424
00:17:59,523 --> 00:18:01,857
Yes, don't buzz again,
because then she'll hear
425
00:18:01,892 --> 00:18:05,394
that my name is really Joe Drake
and I'm not the lottery winner.
426
00:18:05,446 --> 00:18:07,029
- One more time?
- No, you didn't...
427
00:18:07,064 --> 00:18:09,531
you didn't win the lottery.
I just looked it up.
428
00:18:09,566 --> 00:18:11,900
That was a whole crew of
overweight office workers
429
00:18:11,902 --> 00:18:13,118
that won the lottery.
430
00:18:13,153 --> 00:18:15,904
Ah... Gotcha!
431
00:18:18,492 --> 00:18:20,242
I googled you.
I knew that this would be good.
432
00:18:20,294 --> 00:18:21,994
But I did not know it'd be this...
this great,
433
00:18:22,046 --> 00:18:25,964
because I wasn't expecting
the amount of pompousness
434
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:29,801
and arrogance and... and cougar-awesomeness
435
00:18:29,837 --> 00:18:31,586
that you have given me.
436
00:18:31,638 --> 00:18:33,088
I mean, this has been fantastic
and to just bring that down,
437
00:18:33,140 --> 00:18:34,673
it's... I mean, it's...
438
00:18:34,725 --> 00:18:37,092
I would pay you money
to let me do this again.
439
00:18:37,144 --> 00:18:38,560
- Okay.
- This is so fantastic.
440
00:18:38,595 --> 00:18:40,395
Then pay me $50,000.
441
00:18:40,431 --> 00:18:41,897
No, I'm gonna keep that. I'm gonna keep it.
442
00:18:41,932 --> 00:18:43,982
This is great.
And the... the thing is, Fiona...
443
00:18:44,018 --> 00:18:46,485
and this is something I
would like to offer you...
444
00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:48,070
you trust people too much.
445
00:18:48,105 --> 00:18:50,689
Oh, because the sociopath is normal,
446
00:18:50,741 --> 00:18:52,524
but I'm the freak who needs to change.
447
00:18:52,576 --> 00:18:54,493
- Yeah.
- Oh, very good.
448
00:18:54,528 --> 00:18:56,611
There are walls that are good.
It's good to have some walls.
449
00:18:56,663 --> 00:18:59,748
Yes, well, as it turns out,
I don't trust people too much,
450
00:18:59,783 --> 00:19:01,500
because I record all of my sessions...
451
00:19:01,535 --> 00:19:02,918
Uh-huh.
452
00:19:02,953 --> 00:19:05,120
So I have recorded your session as well,
453
00:19:05,172 --> 00:19:08,457
and it will be used as evidence
against you in a court of law.
454
00:19:08,509 --> 00:19:11,093
I don't know how good
that evidence is gonna be.
455
00:19:11,128 --> 00:19:12,928
Oh, I think it'll be very good
456
00:19:12,963 --> 00:19:15,464
because I had this set up by an I.T. guy.
457
00:19:15,516 --> 00:19:16,882
- Yeah. Oh.
- He's very good.
458
00:19:16,934 --> 00:19:18,300
Yes.
459
00:19:18,302 --> 00:19:20,018
I just can't remember where to find...
460
00:19:20,054 --> 00:19:21,553
you... you need to go to file. Here.
461
00:19:21,605 --> 00:19:23,021
Files. It's under files, right.
462
00:19:23,057 --> 00:19:24,556
Okay, so file.
463
00:19:24,608 --> 00:19:26,525
Yeah,
and then you just go down to sessions.
464
00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,777
I'm... I'm looking on mine as well.
465
00:19:28,812 --> 00:19:30,479
What do you mean you're
looking on yours as well?
466
00:19:30,531 --> 00:19:32,147
Oh, I have... I have your... your computer
467
00:19:32,199 --> 00:19:34,149
- mirrored on my desktop.
- What?
468
00:19:34,201 --> 00:19:36,201
It's mirrored. It's... don't worry.
469
00:19:36,236 --> 00:19:37,786
It's an industry term.
How are you doing this?
470
00:19:37,821 --> 00:19:39,154
I didn't give you permission to do this.
471
00:19:39,206 --> 00:19:41,706
You downloaded a hack
in an email I sent you.
472
00:19:41,742 --> 00:19:42,991
- What?
- Yeah.
473
00:19:42,993 --> 00:19:44,876
Which... with the... the salmon poem...
474
00:19:44,912 --> 00:19:46,461
- Yeah, yeah.
- That I didn't get...
475
00:19:46,497 --> 00:19:48,246
I opened the attachment.
I didn't see anything.
476
00:19:48,298 --> 00:19:50,499
Nothing happened, yeah.
Well, a lot happened on my end.
477
00:19:50,551 --> 00:19:52,667
See how it goes from 17 and then it goes,
like,
478
00:19:52,719 --> 00:19:53,885
all the way to 32?
479
00:19:53,921 --> 00:19:55,670
- Yes.
- Yeah.
480
00:19:55,722 --> 00:19:58,924
So that... that number right...
that... that's not there anymore.
481
00:19:58,976 --> 00:20:00,559
What did you do?
482
00:20:00,594 --> 00:20:02,227
The fact is the tapes are not there, okay?
483
00:20:02,262 --> 00:20:04,179
I mean, I had to sift through
17 hours of you fixing
484
00:20:04,231 --> 00:20:06,598
your makeup to find these,
but I have extricated that.
485
00:20:06,650 --> 00:20:08,316
That's not legal, and you know what?
486
00:20:08,352 --> 00:20:11,403
Even if it's not illegal,
I'm going to take this
487
00:20:11,438 --> 00:20:14,189
to the supreme court because I can, okay?
488
00:20:14,241 --> 00:20:16,608
- Okay, okay.
- That's highly illegal.
489
00:20:16,660 --> 00:20:17,909
Look what I'm doing, just cleaning up
490
00:20:17,945 --> 00:20:19,027
some of your desktop here.
491
00:20:19,079 --> 00:20:20,195
No, no, don't, I need those.
492
00:20:20,247 --> 00:20:21,663
Bouncing around, bouncing around.
493
00:20:21,698 --> 00:20:23,031
- No, no, don't...
- put in the trash,
494
00:20:23,083 --> 00:20:24,533
- put in the trash.
- I say stop.
495
00:20:24,585 --> 00:20:26,034
No, oh,
that is not a good bathing suit on you.
496
00:20:26,036 --> 00:20:27,869
No, not into the tr... stop looking at it!
497
00:20:27,921 --> 00:20:29,921
- Well...
- I don't want you doing this.
498
00:20:29,957 --> 00:20:31,673
No one has to look at it anymore...
it's in the trash.
499
00:20:31,708 --> 00:20:33,792
Fine, have fun.
I'm gonna buy a new computer.
500
00:20:33,844 --> 00:20:35,594
This won't bother me at all. Okay.
501
00:20:35,629 --> 00:20:37,212
I'm just gonna change some
of your settings here.
502
00:20:37,214 --> 00:20:38,547
No, I don't want you changing anything.
503
00:20:38,599 --> 00:20:40,048
There you go. I've cleaned it all.
504
00:20:40,100 --> 00:20:42,017
This is actually much more...
this is more conducive.
505
00:20:42,052 --> 00:20:43,468
You know what, I don't care.
I'll tell you who you are.
506
00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:44,970
You're a loser. You're a nothing.
507
00:20:45,022 --> 00:20:46,938
You're talent-free, and you had to resort
508
00:20:46,974 --> 00:20:47,973
to a life of crime.
509
00:20:48,025 --> 00:20:49,808
You're absolutely worthless.
510
00:20:49,860 --> 00:20:51,977
Well, I'm worth 50k, so...
511
00:20:56,116 --> 00:20:58,617
Well,
thank God I took it out of Kip's account.
512
00:20:58,652 --> 00:21:00,702
Oh, that's a nice wallpaper.
513
00:21:05,709 --> 00:21:07,742
- Hello, Jeb.
- Hi there.
514
00:21:07,794 --> 00:21:09,794
It's good to see you.
Missed your last appointment.
515
00:21:09,830 --> 00:21:11,663
I haven't heard from
you in a very long time.
516
00:21:11,715 --> 00:21:14,216
I am sorry about that,
I've been surprisingly busy,
517
00:21:14,251 --> 00:21:16,134
and I have you to thank for that,
by the way.
518
00:21:16,170 --> 00:21:18,587
Oh.
519
00:21:18,639 --> 00:21:21,590
That was a...
that was an impressive evening
520
00:21:21,642 --> 00:21:23,425
- that we shared.
- Yes, wasn't it?
521
00:21:23,427 --> 00:21:26,228
It was eye-opening, uh, for me...
522
00:21:26,263 --> 00:21:27,762
- Sure.
- on many levels.
523
00:21:27,814 --> 00:21:29,431
That's funny you should say that because...
524
00:21:29,433 --> 00:21:31,233
you know, I've... it was really thrilling.
525
00:21:31,268 --> 00:21:34,819
I've never been with a man who
wore a blindfold the whole time.
526
00:21:34,855 --> 00:21:37,239
Well, there's the thing that was bizarre,
527
00:21:37,274 --> 00:21:38,907
and you might not have seen it
'cause it might have been
528
00:21:38,942 --> 00:21:40,692
- when I was behind you...
- Uhhuh.
529
00:21:40,744 --> 00:21:43,828
At a certain point,
I did take that blindfold off...
530
00:21:43,864 --> 00:21:44,746
Oh.
531
00:21:44,781 --> 00:21:46,248
Because there was a moment
532
00:21:46,283 --> 00:21:47,749
where I realized, like,
533
00:21:47,784 --> 00:21:49,167
something different was happening.
534
00:21:49,203 --> 00:21:50,118
Mm-hmm.
535
00:21:50,170 --> 00:21:52,954
And I had
536
00:21:52,956 --> 00:21:55,874
what I can really only
describe as an epiphany,
537
00:21:55,926 --> 00:21:57,342
with no real explanation.
538
00:21:57,377 --> 00:22:01,129
Except that maybe firmer
flesh is more appealing.
539
00:22:01,131 --> 00:22:02,347
- Except...
- Oh.
540
00:22:02,382 --> 00:22:05,350
I realized... I did a little digging,
541
00:22:05,385 --> 00:22:07,802
and I went to your website...
I don't know why
542
00:22:07,804 --> 00:22:10,805
I never decided to do this before,
I don't even know why...
543
00:22:10,807 --> 00:22:13,191
because there's...
you have so much information...
544
00:22:13,227 --> 00:22:14,859
like, a lot of people would
say too much information...
545
00:22:14,895 --> 00:22:16,311
- on your website.
- Right.
546
00:22:16,313 --> 00:22:18,697
But it's... it's all right there.
547
00:22:18,732 --> 00:22:21,816
I clicked on the bio button,
you know, "about me"...
548
00:22:21,868 --> 00:22:22,901
Yes.
549
00:22:22,953 --> 00:22:24,819
And realized
550
00:22:24,871 --> 00:22:29,157
that someone is a lot closer
to retirement than I thought.
551
00:22:29,159 --> 00:22:33,161
64! You're 64 years old?
552
00:22:33,163 --> 00:22:35,714
- I? No.
- You... you...
553
00:22:35,749 --> 00:22:38,133
you, first of all, look amazing for 64,
554
00:22:38,168 --> 00:22:40,135
but I realized that was the thing.
555
00:22:40,170 --> 00:22:43,388
This is why I'm attracted to you.
556
00:22:43,423 --> 00:22:46,308
That age is, like, perfectly in the pocket.
557
00:22:46,343 --> 00:22:49,678
I'm not 64. Okay, that's a typo.
558
00:22:49,730 --> 00:22:53,848
It's... I'm not 64.
I'm... it's supposed to say 46.
559
00:22:53,900 --> 00:22:57,018
You see, my stupid assistant...
his name is Jerome...
560
00:22:57,070 --> 00:22:58,987
he transposed the numbers.
561
00:22:59,022 --> 00:23:01,189
It's not 64. It should be 46.
562
00:23:01,191 --> 00:23:03,742
It actually should be 44, but all right.
563
00:23:03,777 --> 00:23:05,694
It's... it's supposed... not 64.
564
00:23:05,696 --> 00:23:07,195
- I'm not 64.
- Okay.
565
00:23:07,247 --> 00:23:10,031
- Of course I'm not 64.
- Look at it this way.
566
00:23:10,083 --> 00:23:12,083
You look great, and I think...
567
00:23:12,119 --> 00:23:13,618
- Thank you.
- we can all... we...
568
00:23:13,670 --> 00:23:16,254
both of us can remember you felt great.
569
00:23:16,290 --> 00:23:18,123
- Yes, well...
- And, uh...
570
00:23:20,043 --> 00:23:22,761
It has to be our secret,
of course, you know...
571
00:23:22,796 --> 00:23:24,879
No, I understand.
You're married. I mean, I know.
572
00:23:24,881 --> 00:23:26,798
- He's not at home, is he?
- No, no.
573
00:23:26,850 --> 00:23:28,717
You know, we're mostly in Philadelphia.
574
00:23:28,719 --> 00:23:30,769
Anyway, I have you to thank for all of this
575
00:23:30,804 --> 00:23:32,721
because I thought about what you said,
576
00:23:32,773 --> 00:23:36,308
I thought about using how
I look into what I do...
577
00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:38,476
- That's right.
- So I've come up with...
578
00:23:38,528 --> 00:23:40,395
- Why look for hurdles?
- this amazing idea...
579
00:23:40,447 --> 00:23:41,730
Yeah.
580
00:23:41,782 --> 00:23:43,982
That I pitched to my girlfriend...
581
00:23:44,034 --> 00:23:45,233
- Oh.
- who said...
582
00:23:45,285 --> 00:23:47,402
You're still with her after our night?
583
00:23:47,454 --> 00:23:51,406
"This is important. You should do it."
584
00:23:51,408 --> 00:23:53,992
She put me in touch with
some of her friends...
585
00:23:54,044 --> 00:23:55,460
- Uh-huh.
- Some of the money people
586
00:23:55,495 --> 00:23:57,746
that are involved in this... in this group.
587
00:23:57,798 --> 00:23:59,381
- What? For what?
- She was telling me about this.
588
00:23:59,416 --> 00:24:00,882
- She was explaining this to me.
- What's the idea?
589
00:24:00,917 --> 00:24:03,251
"You can use this video conferencing thing
590
00:24:03,303 --> 00:24:05,253
to do what you do" and...
591
00:24:05,255 --> 00:24:07,472
and essentially charge more for it.
592
00:24:07,507 --> 00:24:10,008
We have had so much seed money come in,
it's been crazy.
593
00:24:10,060 --> 00:24:11,226
Really?
594
00:24:11,261 --> 00:24:12,594
We've raised $2.5 million so far.
595
00:24:12,596 --> 00:24:14,846
What? Just for that... for phone sex?
596
00:24:14,898 --> 00:24:18,266
So in five days... and...
and people are banging down
597
00:24:18,268 --> 00:24:20,101
the door to... to invest.
598
00:24:20,153 --> 00:24:22,103
I'm... I'm calling it "Jeb Therapy,"
599
00:24:22,105 --> 00:24:24,356
which I think is clever and...
and original.
600
00:24:24,408 --> 00:24:26,358
Oh, like what I do, except...
601
00:24:26,410 --> 00:24:27,776
it's nothing like what you do,
602
00:24:27,778 --> 00:24:30,945
but it's like that I do my... thing...
603
00:24:30,947 --> 00:24:32,163
- Uh-huh.
- And yet we can
604
00:24:32,199 --> 00:24:33,915
see one another.
605
00:24:33,950 --> 00:24:35,750
- Right, that's what I do.
- But it's...
606
00:24:35,786 --> 00:24:37,919
- it's been amazing.
- Listen, your girlfriend
607
00:24:37,954 --> 00:24:40,839
wouldn't have come up with
this idea in the first place
608
00:24:40,874 --> 00:24:43,425
'cause she's too old to
even think about technology.
609
00:24:43,460 --> 00:24:45,093
You got the idea from working
610
00:24:45,128 --> 00:24:46,177
- with me and doing this.
- That's what you think.
611
00:24:46,213 --> 00:24:47,962
The funny thing about it is,
612
00:24:48,014 --> 00:24:49,464
she's remarkably astute
613
00:24:49,466 --> 00:24:51,516
- with technology.
- Really?
614
00:24:51,551 --> 00:24:53,935
And-yeah, hold on.
615
00:24:53,970 --> 00:24:55,470
- Uh, I should, uh...
- That's crazy.
616
00:24:55,522 --> 00:24:57,856
I should... hey.
617
00:24:57,891 --> 00:24:59,140
Yeah.
618
00:24:59,142 --> 00:25:00,024
It's her on the phone.
619
00:25:00,060 --> 00:25:01,810
Oh.
620
00:25:01,812 --> 00:25:03,895
No,
I'm on the phone with the doctor right now.
621
00:25:03,947 --> 00:25:05,146
- Not her doctor.
- Yeah.
622
00:25:05,148 --> 00:25:07,782
Could be confused.
623
00:25:07,818 --> 00:25:09,951
No, she, uh, she gets it.
624
00:25:09,986 --> 00:25:12,537
Yeah, she really gets it, super supportive.
625
00:25:12,572 --> 00:25:14,989
So, uh, I'm going to... you know what?
626
00:25:15,041 --> 00:25:17,242
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
I want to show her, uh...
627
00:25:17,294 --> 00:25:18,910
I want to show her something.
628
00:25:18,962 --> 00:25:20,495
Just... just hold the line for two seconds,
one second.
629
00:25:20,547 --> 00:25:22,997
Um, I just want you to have
630
00:25:23,049 --> 00:25:24,632
an idea of who we're talking about here.
631
00:25:24,668 --> 00:25:27,085
Oh,
I don't like seeing pictures of wizened,
632
00:25:27,137 --> 00:25:28,303
old, wrinkly...
633
00:25:28,338 --> 00:25:29,754
No, no, no, no. It's a good one.
634
00:25:29,806 --> 00:25:31,005
It's actually a really sweet picture.
635
00:25:31,007 --> 00:25:32,590
- It's, uh...
- You know, Jeb,
636
00:25:32,642 --> 00:25:34,926
I don't have time for...
It's, uh-that's her.
637
00:25:34,978 --> 00:25:37,061
- She can hear you, Hodge.
- So what?
638
00:25:37,097 --> 00:25:39,431
- Yeah.
- Hello, mother.
639
00:25:39,483 --> 00:25:41,483
- I can't hear anything.
- Why would you call her mother?
640
00:25:41,518 --> 00:25:43,234
I'm hanging up.
641
00:25:43,270 --> 00:25:45,687
- That's weird.
- Because I'm in a horror film.
642
00:25:51,278 --> 00:25:55,029
We're the only people in America, so...
643
00:25:56,450 --> 00:25:58,366
Then I look f...
I look forward to seeing it.
644
00:25:58,418 --> 00:26:00,001
Okay, okay.
645
00:26:00,036 --> 00:26:02,203
What?
I couldn't even think which prince he is.
646
00:26:02,255 --> 00:26:04,088
Is it Harry who's married to Kate?
647
00:26:04,124 --> 00:26:05,089
I don't even remember.
648
00:26:07,961 --> 00:26:09,377
Into the trash, into the trash.
649
00:26:09,429 --> 00:26:10,795
No, you can't take things into the trash.
650
00:26:10,847 --> 00:26:12,464
- I need those.
- You don't need these.
651
00:26:12,516 --> 00:26:14,048
I'm just cleaning up the
desktop a little bit here.
652
00:26:14,050 --> 00:26:15,350
I don't... I decline it!
653
00:26:15,385 --> 00:26:19,604
Cut.
654
00:26:19,833 --> 00:26:23,929
sync and corrected by ninh
www.addic7ed.com
50762
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