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1
00:00:50,517 --> 00:00:52,619
- Excuse me.
- Excuse me.
2
00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:54,621
Good evening, sergeant.
3
00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:56,523
I wanna bail out
one of your prisoners.
4
00:00:56,623 --> 00:00:58,391
Anyone in particular
or shall we select
5
00:00:58,491 --> 00:01:00,126
one at random?
6
00:01:00,226 --> 00:01:02,729
Oh, no. It's a lady
named Dotty Wertz.
7
00:01:02,829 --> 00:01:04,597
- Dotty Wertz.
- Uh-hmm.
8
00:01:04,697 --> 00:01:05,999
Let's see how this lady
9
00:01:06,099 --> 00:01:08,968
has offended society.
10
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:11,304
Oh, I see. Prostitution.
11
00:01:11,404 --> 00:01:12,405
Picked up for soliciting
12
00:01:12,505 --> 00:01:14,674
a plainclothes police officer
13
00:01:14,774 --> 00:01:16,776
at the King Crown Tavern
14
00:01:16,876 --> 00:01:18,745
on Northern Boulevard.
You her lawyer?
15
00:01:18,845 --> 00:01:20,780
- I'm a friend.
- How much is the bail?
16
00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:22,849
$500. Pay over there.
17
00:01:24,517 --> 00:01:26,386
He wants one of the hookers.
18
00:01:26,486 --> 00:01:27,486
The white one.
19
00:01:34,894 --> 00:01:37,797
Archie Bunker's Place,
we cater to straights.
20
00:01:39,799 --> 00:01:41,234
Oh, hi, Murray.
21
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:45,805
Hey, hey, hey.
22
00:01:45,905 --> 00:01:47,185
I thought
you was gonna bring her
23
00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:48,241
a cake or something,
24
00:01:48,341 --> 00:01:49,476
not bail her out.
25
00:01:49,576 --> 00:01:50,777
Now, listen, Archie.
26
00:01:50,877 --> 00:01:52,221
If we hadn't kicked her
out of our place,
27
00:01:52,245 --> 00:01:54,280
she wouldn't have been
working strange saloons.
28
00:01:55,448 --> 00:01:56,759
And she wouldn't have
gotten arrested.
29
00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:58,451
Now, we've got to do
something for her,
30
00:01:58,551 --> 00:01:59,662
otherwise,
we're gonna feel guilty
31
00:01:59,686 --> 00:02:00,920
for the rest of our lives.
32
00:02:01,020 --> 00:02:02,355
Hey, maybe you'll feel guilty,
33
00:02:02,455 --> 00:02:03,490
but I am a Gentile.
34
00:02:03,590 --> 00:02:05,091
We are happy people.
35
00:02:07,393 --> 00:02:08,428
Listen, Arch.
36
00:02:08,528 --> 00:02:09,829
I'm not only bailing her out,
37
00:02:09,929 --> 00:02:12,132
I'm gonna offer her
a real job with us.
38
00:02:12,232 --> 00:02:13,333
Are you nuts?
39
00:02:13,433 --> 00:02:15,902
We need another waiter,
don't we?
40
00:02:16,002 --> 00:02:18,471
Archie:
Are you nuts?
41
00:02:18,571 --> 00:02:19,571
Listen, Arch.
42
00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:20,940
We are doing the right thing.
43
00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:23,610
For God's sake, can't you give
a person a chance?
44
00:02:23,710 --> 00:02:25,745
- All right, all right.
- Now, Murray,
45
00:02:25,845 --> 00:02:28,114
- hold it, will you?
- Don't jump into anything.
46
00:02:28,214 --> 00:02:29,458
Give me a minute to think,
will you?
47
00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:32,018
Here, let me ask Harry.
48
00:02:32,118 --> 00:02:33,419
Ask me what?
49
00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:35,288
About the idea of Dotty,
the hooker,
50
00:02:35,388 --> 00:02:37,323
waiting tables here.
51
00:02:37,423 --> 00:02:40,093
That's a terrible idea.
52
00:02:40,193 --> 00:02:41,194
Okay.
53
00:02:42,328 --> 00:02:44,297
Harry says it's a terrible idea,
54
00:02:44,397 --> 00:02:46,099
so, uh...
55
00:02:46,199 --> 00:02:47,600
let's try it.
56
00:02:49,068 --> 00:02:50,403
But Murray,
57
00:02:50,503 --> 00:02:51,971
remember this,
58
00:02:52,071 --> 00:02:53,740
you tell Dotty...
59
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,109
that she serves nothing
to our customers
60
00:02:56,209 --> 00:02:58,878
except the lunch and dinner.
61
00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:03,249
No, what you call snacks
between meals.
62
00:03:04,651 --> 00:03:05,818
Goodbye.
63
00:03:10,390 --> 00:03:12,158
Aah!
64
00:03:16,629 --> 00:03:17,730
What is it?
65
00:03:19,232 --> 00:03:21,334
I just wanna ask you...
66
00:03:21,434 --> 00:03:23,469
What? What?
67
00:03:23,570 --> 00:03:25,738
Give me a chance, huh?
68
00:03:25,838 --> 00:03:28,007
Well, spit it out. Huh?
69
00:03:29,242 --> 00:03:31,578
I'm just wondering
how you feel about, uh,
70
00:03:31,678 --> 00:03:33,012
working with a hooker.
71
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:36,816
Why? Are we diversifying
our operation?
72
00:03:38,785 --> 00:03:40,820
I mean, somebody to help
73
00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:43,022
your nephew, Freddy,
wait on the tables.
74
00:03:43,122 --> 00:03:44,490
A hooker moonlighting
75
00:03:44,591 --> 00:03:46,459
as a waitress.
76
00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:47,894
That's a switch.
77
00:04:00,607 --> 00:04:02,242
This is the first time
I've ever been
78
00:04:02,342 --> 00:04:04,210
in a clink, honest.
79
00:04:04,310 --> 00:04:06,312
Dotty, I believe you.
80
00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:10,483
Just before you came here,
one of the...
81
00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:12,518
girls died in there.
82
00:04:12,619 --> 00:04:13,653
What?
83
00:04:13,753 --> 00:04:15,521
What happened?
84
00:04:15,622 --> 00:04:17,757
They don't know.
They just took her away.
85
00:04:19,525 --> 00:04:21,527
She was sleeping,
and then she opened her eyes
86
00:04:21,628 --> 00:04:24,297
and she looked right at me,
87
00:04:24,397 --> 00:04:27,233
and then she tried
to say something and she...
88
00:04:27,333 --> 00:04:29,335
- I didn't get it.
- And then, she...
89
00:04:29,435 --> 00:04:32,005
closed her eyes again,
90
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,140
and then she was gone.
91
00:04:38,344 --> 00:04:39,679
Woman:
Dorothy Wertz?
92
00:04:45,251 --> 00:04:46,419
Sign here.
93
00:04:50,990 --> 00:04:52,458
Here, let me help you.
94
00:04:56,663 --> 00:04:59,065
Listen, Dotty.
95
00:04:59,165 --> 00:05:00,600
Let's talk about you.
96
00:05:04,437 --> 00:05:07,073
Now, what did you do...
97
00:05:08,341 --> 00:05:10,543
What did you do
before you did what you did
98
00:05:10,643 --> 00:05:13,012
that got you in here
for doing it?
99
00:05:15,515 --> 00:05:17,183
Well, starting a long time ago,
100
00:05:17,283 --> 00:05:20,186
I was an artist's model.
101
00:05:20,286 --> 00:05:22,722
Did you ever work anywhere
with your clothes on?
102
00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:24,557
- Oh, Murray.
- I'm sorry.
103
00:05:24,657 --> 00:05:25,658
Excuse me.
104
00:05:25,758 --> 00:05:27,894
I mean, have you worked
in a restaurant?
105
00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:29,862
- You mean, was I a waitress?
- Yeah.
106
00:05:29,962 --> 00:05:31,597
Yeah, I've done that.
107
00:05:31,698 --> 00:05:33,132
Well, that's terrific.
108
00:05:33,232 --> 00:05:35,201
Why don't you
do the same thing
for Archie and me?
109
00:05:35,301 --> 00:05:37,337
Oh, Murray, you know
that won't work.
110
00:05:38,471 --> 00:05:40,506
Woman:
Marvin Chang.
111
00:05:40,606 --> 00:05:42,842
Well, Dotty, I...
112
00:05:42,942 --> 00:05:44,586
You know, I know
there are gonna be problems,
113
00:05:44,610 --> 00:05:47,313
but I think we can work
those problems out
114
00:05:47,413 --> 00:05:48,681
on the job.
115
00:05:49,749 --> 00:05:51,718
But you have to remember,
116
00:05:51,818 --> 00:05:53,686
the restaurant is the job,
117
00:05:53,786 --> 00:05:55,021
and then nothing else.
118
00:05:55,121 --> 00:05:56,589
I mean, nothing else.
119
00:05:57,724 --> 00:05:59,659
Okay? You wanna try?
120
00:06:03,029 --> 00:06:05,365
Hmm? You wanna go on
being a hooker?
121
00:06:05,465 --> 00:06:06,499
Oh, no.
122
00:06:06,599 --> 00:06:07,599
No.
123
00:06:08,801 --> 00:06:10,937
Look, I mean,
I'm ready, but, you know,
124
00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:13,172
- what about Archie?
- Oh, listen,
125
00:06:13,272 --> 00:06:15,074
don't worry about him.
126
00:06:15,174 --> 00:06:17,577
You see, I trust you.
127
00:06:17,677 --> 00:06:20,012
How can you trust a hooker?
128
00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:22,882
Arch, she needs help.
129
00:06:22,982 --> 00:06:24,951
But some of our
customers know her.
130
00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:26,428
Ain't they gonna be
a little shocked?
131
00:06:26,452 --> 00:06:27,487
Yeah.
132
00:06:27,587 --> 00:06:29,255
Why should a man be shocked
133
00:06:29,355 --> 00:06:31,357
because the woman
he went to bed with
134
00:06:31,457 --> 00:06:32,959
serves him his lunch?
135
00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:35,962
Come on, Mr. Van,
136
00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:37,497
you know what I mean.
137
00:06:37,597 --> 00:06:39,165
Can't you hear the low remarks
138
00:06:39,265 --> 00:06:40,800
being passed here?
139
00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:42,568
And you know damn well
some of these johns
140
00:06:42,668 --> 00:06:44,270
are gonna be dating her.
141
00:06:44,370 --> 00:06:45,848
We'll be right back
to where we started
142
00:06:45,872 --> 00:06:47,006
when we eighty-sixed her.
143
00:06:47,106 --> 00:06:49,675
Arch, wait and see what happens.
144
00:06:49,776 --> 00:06:51,677
I think Dotty will be fine.
145
00:06:52,779 --> 00:06:54,213
Boy, it's cold out there.
146
00:06:54,313 --> 00:06:56,582
You know you got ice
forming on your sidewalk?
147
00:06:56,682 --> 00:06:58,184
Well, I think it was "Kelly"
148
00:06:58,284 --> 00:07:00,153
or maybe it was "Sheats"
that wrote:
149
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:01,487
"If winter comes,
150
00:07:01,587 --> 00:07:03,556
then spring's
got no behind."
151
00:07:05,191 --> 00:07:07,727
Yeah. Anybody
wanna buy a house?
152
00:07:07,827 --> 00:07:09,962
- Harry: Are you selling yours?
- -Yeah.
153
00:07:10,062 --> 00:07:11,664
The divorce came through.
154
00:07:11,764 --> 00:07:13,166
I got the notice today.
155
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:15,601
Oh, I'm sorry, Barney.
156
00:07:15,701 --> 00:07:17,837
Oh, I'm not.
I'm glad it's final.
157
00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:19,338
Now, I know where I'm going.
158
00:07:20,473 --> 00:07:21,474
Where are you going?
159
00:07:21,574 --> 00:07:23,342
Who knows?
160
00:07:25,978 --> 00:07:27,146
How's the settlement?
161
00:07:27,246 --> 00:07:28,581
Ha. "Settlement."
162
00:07:28,681 --> 00:07:30,283
Blanche cleaned me out.
163
00:07:30,383 --> 00:07:32,285
You know, she took all the cash.
164
00:07:32,385 --> 00:07:33,419
All?
165
00:07:33,519 --> 00:07:35,455
In one fell swoop,
166
00:07:35,555 --> 00:07:37,490
$212.
167
00:07:38,891 --> 00:07:41,461
Boy, today's woman
ain't got no mercy.
168
00:07:41,561 --> 00:07:42,595
Yeah.
169
00:07:42,695 --> 00:07:43,763
And not only that,
170
00:07:43,863 --> 00:07:46,032
I got to fork over
50% of the proceeds
171
00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:47,767
from the house.
172
00:07:47,867 --> 00:07:49,902
Don't give it to her.
173
00:07:50,002 --> 00:07:52,305
Don't sell your house, Barney.
174
00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:54,574
Stay in that house.
175
00:07:54,674 --> 00:07:55,708
All alone?
176
00:07:55,808 --> 00:07:57,043
Damn right.
177
00:07:57,143 --> 00:07:58,945
Until you die.
178
00:08:00,780 --> 00:08:02,815
Veronica:
Well, that's it for me
tonight, fellas.
179
00:08:02,915 --> 00:08:04,417
- So long.
- Goodnight, Veronica.
180
00:08:04,517 --> 00:08:06,152
Arriverdreci, there.
181
00:08:06,252 --> 00:08:08,187
You need an escort, Veronica?
182
00:08:08,287 --> 00:08:09,856
Ah, no thanks, Barney.
183
00:08:09,956 --> 00:08:11,324
I got Jose.
184
00:08:11,424 --> 00:08:14,126
Nobody bothers a lady
with a Spanish guy.
185
00:08:15,528 --> 00:08:19,232
- You see?
- Everybody's got somebody.
186
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,100
Except me.
187
00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:22,535
Oh, hey, hey, Barney.
188
00:08:22,635 --> 00:08:23,970
Now, don't start crying here
189
00:08:24,070 --> 00:08:25,605
because I can't take it.
190
00:08:25,705 --> 00:08:27,139
I can't help it.
191
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,407
Hey Barney, bud,
192
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,343
new house rule here,
193
00:08:30,443 --> 00:08:32,345
nobody's allowed to cry
if he's running a tab
194
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:33,746
more than $25.
195
00:08:33,846 --> 00:08:35,915
How much is mine?
196
00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:37,517
$50.
197
00:08:37,617 --> 00:08:39,819
I'll pay off half.
198
00:08:47,093 --> 00:08:48,728
Pick up,
199
00:08:48,828 --> 00:08:50,429
New York strip
200
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,164
and a chef's salad.
201
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:55,234
Pick up,
202
00:08:55,334 --> 00:08:57,270
meatloaf and a ham steak.
203
00:08:59,038 --> 00:09:00,439
Pick up.
204
00:09:02,441 --> 00:09:04,010
- Those are mine.
- Oh.
205
00:09:12,718 --> 00:09:13,719
Sorry, Father.
206
00:09:13,819 --> 00:09:15,154
Sorry... it's so late.
207
00:09:15,254 --> 00:09:16,455
I'm a little bit nervous.
208
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:18,391
This is my first day
on a new job.
209
00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:19,825
- That's okay.
- Just treat it
210
00:09:19,926 --> 00:09:21,928
like your old job.
211
00:09:22,028 --> 00:09:24,764
This job, she's on her
feet more, Father.
212
00:09:26,465 --> 00:09:27,466
Oh.
213
00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:31,437
Your order, sir?
214
00:09:31,537 --> 00:09:33,339
Well, I can't make up my mind.
215
00:09:33,439 --> 00:09:34,774
Between what?
216
00:09:34,874 --> 00:09:36,008
Between the baked halibut
217
00:09:36,108 --> 00:09:37,476
and the blueberry pie.
218
00:09:38,778 --> 00:09:40,446
They're both very good.
219
00:09:40,546 --> 00:09:42,481
Okay. Bring me
an order of each.
220
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,750
And a bottle of tomato ketchup.
221
00:09:44,850 --> 00:09:46,719
Hey, hey, hey.
222
00:09:46,819 --> 00:09:48,187
You must be new here.
223
00:09:48,287 --> 00:09:50,823
Yes, it's my first day
on the job.
224
00:09:50,923 --> 00:09:53,426
Did anybody ever tell you
that you're very beautiful?
225
00:09:53,526 --> 00:09:55,194
Oh, thank you.
226
00:09:55,294 --> 00:09:57,029
Um, anything to drink?
227
00:09:57,129 --> 00:09:58,230
Yeah.
228
00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:00,499
- Five cups of coffee.
- Five?
229
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,069
I wanna be wide awake
for our date tonight.
230
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:07,640
Well, excuse me,
I'll fill your order.
231
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:17,650
One baked halibut,
one blueberry pie.
232
00:10:17,750 --> 00:10:18,750
Oh.
233
00:10:18,818 --> 00:10:21,287
Ah, Barney Heffner's here.
234
00:10:21,387 --> 00:10:22,722
Yeah. What is he?
235
00:10:22,822 --> 00:10:24,624
Some kind of a wise guy?
236
00:10:25,992 --> 00:10:27,460
Nah.
237
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,395
Just a sad guy.
238
00:10:29,495 --> 00:10:31,430
Why?
239
00:10:31,530 --> 00:10:33,265
He asked me for a date.
240
00:10:33,366 --> 00:10:34,900
Is he married?
241
00:10:35,001 --> 00:10:37,536
Nah, I heard his wife
ran away with someone.
242
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:38,871
Oh, when?
243
00:10:38,971 --> 00:10:40,373
1976.
244
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:41,473
Aw.
245
00:10:41,507 --> 00:10:42,308
'77,
246
00:10:42,408 --> 00:10:43,943
'78,
247
00:10:44,043 --> 00:10:45,244
'79.
248
00:10:46,746 --> 00:10:47,913
One more, she'll make
249
00:10:48,014 --> 00:10:49,749
the Guinness Book of Records.
250
00:10:53,185 --> 00:10:55,521
Stuff a sock in it, Jose.
251
00:10:58,658 --> 00:10:59,925
Hey, I missed you.
252
00:11:00,026 --> 00:11:01,694
Are we all set
for our date tonight?
253
00:11:01,794 --> 00:11:03,129
Oh, I'm sorry.
254
00:11:03,229 --> 00:11:05,364
I can't socialize
with the customers.
255
00:11:05,464 --> 00:11:06,999
That's the boss's orders.
256
00:11:07,099 --> 00:11:08,668
Oh, don't worry about Archie.
257
00:11:08,768 --> 00:11:10,336
What he doesn't know
won't hurt him.
258
00:11:10,436 --> 00:11:11,937
And he doesn't know anything.
259
00:11:12,038 --> 00:11:14,173
I'm sorry. It's...
260
00:11:14,273 --> 00:11:15,875
I just better not.
261
00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:17,743
Oh, I get it.
262
00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:19,845
You're not really worried
about the bosses.
263
00:11:19,945 --> 00:11:21,881
I just don't appeal
to you that much, right?
264
00:11:21,981 --> 00:11:23,849
No, that's not it.
265
00:11:23,949 --> 00:11:26,352
So, I'm not the handsomest guy
in New York
266
00:11:26,452 --> 00:11:28,087
or even Queens.
267
00:11:28,187 --> 00:11:29,689
But take a look
around this joint.
268
00:11:29,789 --> 00:11:30,789
Now right here,
269
00:11:30,856 --> 00:11:32,692
I gotta be in the top 20, right?
270
00:11:33,926 --> 00:11:35,428
You like to shoot pool?
271
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:36,696
No.
272
00:11:36,796 --> 00:11:37,897
How about bowling?
273
00:11:37,997 --> 00:11:39,532
No.
274
00:11:39,632 --> 00:11:41,634
- What about pinochle?
- Oh, no.
275
00:11:43,602 --> 00:11:45,337
Well, what else is there?
276
00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:50,276
- I don't know.
- Movies, I guess.
277
00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:52,445
Hey, I love movies.
278
00:11:54,246 --> 00:11:55,815
Well,
279
00:11:55,915 --> 00:11:56,949
I'm sorry.
280
00:11:57,049 --> 00:11:58,384
It's just not a good idea.
281
00:11:58,484 --> 00:11:59,919
- Oh, come on now.
- Wait a minute.
282
00:12:00,019 --> 00:12:01,754
This is a free country,
isn't it?
283
00:12:01,854 --> 00:12:02,964
I mean, when you get off here,
284
00:12:02,988 --> 00:12:04,890
you can go out
with anybody you want.
285
00:12:06,959 --> 00:12:09,161
I did read in the paper
over at the Northern
286
00:12:09,261 --> 00:12:12,031
they're showing
"Romeo and Juliet."
287
00:12:12,131 --> 00:12:13,899
Double features put me to sleep.
288
00:12:14,767 --> 00:12:17,269
- You're cute.
- I know.
289
00:12:17,369 --> 00:12:19,472
With my kind of face,
you're forced to be cute.
290
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,307
Oh, you have a nice face.
291
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:23,275
That's easy for you to say.
292
00:12:23,375 --> 00:12:25,010
You don't have to shave it.
293
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:29,982
I tell you what,
294
00:12:30,082 --> 00:12:31,817
I'll pick you up
right here after work.
295
00:12:31,917 --> 00:12:33,586
Oh, no. Uh, not here. Um,
296
00:12:33,686 --> 00:12:35,166
I'll meet you
in front of the theater,
297
00:12:35,254 --> 00:12:37,490
- 9:00 sharp, huh?
- Terrific.
298
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:38,624
Oh, and by the way,
299
00:12:38,724 --> 00:12:40,092
the name is Barney Heffner.
300
00:12:40,192 --> 00:12:42,161
Oh, Dotty Wertz.
301
00:12:42,261 --> 00:12:44,430
Dotty Wertz.
302
00:12:44,530 --> 00:12:46,198
What a beautiful name.
303
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:50,336
Excuse me,
uh, Ms. Wertz.
304
00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:52,805
- Table nine.
- Oh, sure. Sorry.
305
00:12:55,941 --> 00:12:58,344
Well, Barney,
I see that you're
taken care of, huh?
306
00:12:58,444 --> 00:12:59,444
You bet,
307
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:00,513
by your new waitress.
308
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:01,614
Hey, she's very good.
309
00:13:01,714 --> 00:13:02,791
Well, I'm glad you think so.
310
00:13:02,815 --> 00:13:04,884
Hey, Murray,
there's just one thing
311
00:13:04,984 --> 00:13:06,952
I'd like to ask you about her.
312
00:13:07,052 --> 00:13:08,254
Yeah? What?
313
00:13:08,354 --> 00:13:11,724
Well, what's a classy
gal like that
314
00:13:11,824 --> 00:13:13,959
doing waiting on tables in here?
315
00:13:25,237 --> 00:13:26,472
Where's the money? I'm late.
316
00:13:26,572 --> 00:13:28,808
- Here's the money, wait.
- Your four dollars
317
00:13:28,908 --> 00:13:29,908
for the field trip.
318
00:13:29,975 --> 00:13:31,811
What is this about a field trip?
319
00:13:31,911 --> 00:13:33,245
The only field left in New York
320
00:13:33,345 --> 00:13:36,515
was Ebbets Field
and they tore that down.
321
00:13:36,615 --> 00:13:38,417
We're going
to the Hayden Planetarium.
322
00:13:38,517 --> 00:13:40,286
Oh, you're gonna feed
the fish, huh?
323
00:13:40,386 --> 00:13:41,687
That's nice.
324
00:13:41,787 --> 00:13:43,756
Hey, did you tell
your teacher, Mrs. Hearst,
325
00:13:43,856 --> 00:13:45,691
that I said to her?
326
00:13:45,791 --> 00:13:47,626
- Yeah.
- What did she say to that?
327
00:13:47,726 --> 00:13:49,161
To you.
328
00:13:51,363 --> 00:13:54,099
You see the class
of teachers they got nowadays?
329
00:13:56,569 --> 00:13:58,337
Hey, Archie,
330
00:13:58,437 --> 00:14:00,039
look at these numbers.
331
00:14:00,139 --> 00:14:01,349
You know, last night
was the best night
332
00:14:01,373 --> 00:14:02,474
we had since we opened?
333
00:14:02,575 --> 00:14:04,376
Yeah, well,
it's only gonna get better.
334
00:14:04,476 --> 00:14:06,545
Right because
of Veronica's cooking,
right?
335
00:14:06,645 --> 00:14:08,514
Shh, shh, for God's sake.
336
00:14:08,614 --> 00:14:10,449
Don't let her
hear you talk that way.
337
00:14:10,549 --> 00:14:12,551
She'd be looking for more money.
338
00:14:12,651 --> 00:14:15,321
Did I hear you boys
mention my name?
339
00:14:15,421 --> 00:14:16,789
All:
No!
340
00:14:17,723 --> 00:14:19,525
No, but yesterday,
a man was complaining
341
00:14:19,625 --> 00:14:20,826
about the veal here.
342
00:14:20,926 --> 00:14:23,128
That was the last time
I mentioned your name.
343
00:14:23,229 --> 00:14:26,966
Your face should look
as good as my veal.
344
00:14:30,269 --> 00:14:32,838
Hey, listen,
I'm working on a menu here.
345
00:14:32,938 --> 00:14:35,975
I hope you ain't gonna serve
no more halibut steak again.
346
00:14:37,109 --> 00:14:39,745
No more halibut steaks.
347
00:14:39,845 --> 00:14:41,113
Archie:
Good.
348
00:14:41,213 --> 00:14:42,815
Halibut croquettes.
349
00:14:42,915 --> 00:14:44,550
Oh.
350
00:14:44,650 --> 00:14:47,353
I am up to my elbows
in halibuts.
351
00:14:47,453 --> 00:14:49,855
- How come?
- She ordered too much.
352
00:14:49,955 --> 00:14:51,657
No, because your friend,
353
00:14:51,757 --> 00:14:53,626
Barney Heffner,
the halibut hound,
354
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:55,661
he ain't been around
for a while.
355
00:14:55,761 --> 00:14:58,430
So, it's either
halibut croquettes
356
00:14:58,530 --> 00:15:00,466
or we cater the cat show.
357
00:15:04,069 --> 00:15:05,337
You know, she's right.
358
00:15:05,437 --> 00:15:06,717
I haven't seen Barney
around here
359
00:15:06,805 --> 00:15:08,207
one night this week.
360
00:15:08,307 --> 00:15:09,475
Well, maybe sick, huh?
361
00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:11,076
Ah, the way Barney drinks,
362
00:15:11,176 --> 00:15:12,416
there ain't a germ in the world
363
00:15:12,511 --> 00:15:14,113
that can live
inside of his body.
364
00:15:16,548 --> 00:15:19,118
I also asked Dotty
if she wanted to work
the bar at nights.
365
00:15:19,218 --> 00:15:21,029
You know, just to pick up
a couple of extra bucks.
366
00:15:21,053 --> 00:15:22,688
- Hold it. Hold it.
- I'm against that.
367
00:15:22,788 --> 00:15:23,923
I'm against that.
368
00:15:24,023 --> 00:15:26,659
There's too many men
around here at night.
369
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,661
She's against it, too.
370
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,629
She told me she wants
to be free nights.
371
00:15:30,729 --> 00:15:32,264
Yeah. I'll see you guys
in a jiffy.
372
00:15:32,364 --> 00:15:33,532
Where are you going?
373
00:15:33,632 --> 00:15:35,868
I wanna run this menu
over to the printer's.
374
00:15:39,805 --> 00:15:41,340
Hmm,
375
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,142
I wonder what's with Barney.
376
00:15:44,977 --> 00:15:46,679
I wonder what's with Dotty.
377
00:15:52,818 --> 00:15:54,053
What are you thinking?
378
00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:58,023
What are you thinking?
379
00:16:10,102 --> 00:16:11,503
Barney:
Get the door,
will you, hon?
380
00:16:11,603 --> 00:16:13,105
Oh, okay.
381
00:16:32,358 --> 00:16:33,726
Can I come in?
382
00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:48,774
It's not what you think, Murray.
383
00:16:51,910 --> 00:16:53,278
I think you're fired.
384
00:16:53,379 --> 00:16:55,647
Murray, I like this guy.
385
00:16:55,748 --> 00:16:57,049
Well, good.
386
00:16:58,784 --> 00:17:00,486
It must be very pleasant
to turn a trick
387
00:17:00,586 --> 00:17:02,021
with someone you like.
388
00:17:03,122 --> 00:17:04,223
Not a trick.
389
00:17:08,060 --> 00:17:09,728
You know,
390
00:17:09,828 --> 00:17:12,865
Archie was right for a change.
391
00:17:12,965 --> 00:17:14,175
I told him that you had promised
392
00:17:14,199 --> 00:17:16,368
to go straight.
393
00:17:16,468 --> 00:17:18,370
He said, "Oh, sure, sure.
394
00:17:18,470 --> 00:17:21,273
She'll go straight
back to hustling."
395
00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:22,541
Isn't that right?
396
00:17:24,643 --> 00:17:26,879
The only reason I'm here
397
00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:28,781
is because I want to be.
398
00:17:31,750 --> 00:17:33,986
Does Barney know what you are?
399
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:36,855
Barney:
Who was at the door, honey?
400
00:17:41,827 --> 00:17:43,462
- Hiya, Murray.
- Hi.
401
00:17:52,438 --> 00:17:54,238
To what do we owe
the pleasure of your company
402
00:17:54,306 --> 00:17:55,641
this early in the morning?
403
00:17:58,310 --> 00:17:59,845
Well...
404
00:18:03,882 --> 00:18:05,684
everyone was worried about you.
405
00:18:05,784 --> 00:18:06,785
Huh.
406
00:18:06,885 --> 00:18:08,165
We all know
that you've been down
407
00:18:08,220 --> 00:18:09,922
in the dumps lately and...
408
00:18:10,022 --> 00:18:11,166
you haven't been out at the bar.
409
00:18:11,190 --> 00:18:12,758
We thought
you weren't feeling well.
410
00:18:12,858 --> 00:18:14,860
Are you kidding?
411
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:16,929
I never felt better in my life.
412
00:18:17,029 --> 00:18:18,564
Lighten up, pal.
413
00:18:18,664 --> 00:18:20,532
Life can be beautiful.
414
00:18:20,632 --> 00:18:22,534
Because Dotty is beautiful.
415
00:18:22,634 --> 00:18:25,104
Because you're beautiful.
416
00:18:25,204 --> 00:18:26,271
I must be
417
00:18:26,371 --> 00:18:28,507
because I never felt
like this before.
418
00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:30,909
You know, even Murray
could be beautiful.
419
00:18:31,009 --> 00:18:33,278
If he'd just wipe
that look off his kisser
420
00:18:33,378 --> 00:18:35,614
like a guy
that had just been robbed.
421
00:18:36,815 --> 00:18:37,850
That's it.
422
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:39,184
Did you tell him?
423
00:18:39,284 --> 00:18:42,087
No, I haven't had a chance
to tell him anything.
424
00:18:42,187 --> 00:18:44,056
Well, I'll tell him.
425
00:18:44,156 --> 00:18:46,525
I'm gonna steal
your waitress, pal.
426
00:18:46,625 --> 00:18:49,061
Dotty and I are getting married.
427
00:18:52,731 --> 00:18:55,000
Hey, I think we shocked Murray.
428
00:18:57,302 --> 00:18:58,604
You know why he's shocked?
429
00:18:58,704 --> 00:19:00,038
Why?
430
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:02,674
Because none
of my so-called friends
431
00:19:02,774 --> 00:19:05,043
ever figured that Barney Heffner
432
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,079
could attract
a really nice girl.
433
00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:11,049
A girl that would love me
for myself,
434
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,519
with all my faults,
435
00:19:13,619 --> 00:19:15,254
no matter what I am.
436
00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:42,624
- Murray:
I'm not gonna leave you...
- Archie: Hell no, all right?
437
00:19:42,648 --> 00:19:43,925
- Murray: What's the matter with you?
- -No.
438
00:19:43,949 --> 00:19:45,059
We've got to do it.
That's all there is to it.
439
00:19:45,083 --> 00:19:46,518
I ain't gonna say nothing.
440
00:19:46,618 --> 00:19:48,453
And I don't see why
you should wanna tell him
441
00:19:48,554 --> 00:19:49,688
anything anyway.
442
00:19:49,788 --> 00:19:51,065
You were supposed to be
the bleeding heart
443
00:19:51,089 --> 00:19:52,291
for the whole world,
444
00:19:52,391 --> 00:19:55,127
the guy with all
the toleration for everybody.
445
00:19:55,227 --> 00:19:57,472
Now, you're thinking
a hooker ain't good enough
for Barney.
446
00:19:57,496 --> 00:19:58,730
I didn't say that.
447
00:19:58,830 --> 00:20:00,775
Oh, Murray,
you're prejudiced...
you're prejudiced.
448
00:20:00,799 --> 00:20:02,034
- That's all.
- What?
449
00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:03,678
- That's right.
- Let me tell you something.
450
00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:06,138
Dotty has got a heart of gold.
451
00:20:06,238 --> 00:20:08,307
- Got it in there?
- Yeah.
452
00:20:08,407 --> 00:20:09,641
Ah-ha. See?
453
00:20:09,741 --> 00:20:11,276
Now, if you ask me,
454
00:20:11,376 --> 00:20:13,412
Barney is lucky to get her.
455
00:20:13,512 --> 00:20:15,581
Look, Archie,
you have got to tell him.
456
00:20:15,681 --> 00:20:17,683
No one is closer to him
than you are.
457
00:20:17,783 --> 00:20:19,585
Oh, ho, ho, Dotty is.
458
00:20:19,685 --> 00:20:21,119
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
459
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,522
Dotty is the one
who ought to tell him.
460
00:20:23,622 --> 00:20:25,090
Harry:
Hey, hey, hey.
461
00:20:25,190 --> 00:20:27,226
Keep it down.
They're out there.
462
00:20:27,326 --> 00:20:28,660
Keep it down, will you?
463
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:30,028
They're out there.
464
00:20:30,128 --> 00:20:31,897
Will you shut up?
465
00:20:31,997 --> 00:20:33,765
Shh, shh.
466
00:20:33,865 --> 00:20:35,500
Let Dotty tell him.
467
00:20:35,601 --> 00:20:37,236
She'll find some,
what do you call,
468
00:20:37,336 --> 00:20:38,971
female way to let him know.
469
00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:41,006
What do you... like how?
470
00:20:41,106 --> 00:20:42,341
God, I don't know.
471
00:20:42,441 --> 00:20:43,675
Maybe she'll send him a bill
472
00:20:43,775 --> 00:20:45,410
for the wedding night.
473
00:20:45,510 --> 00:20:47,346
Barney:
Hey, fellas?
474
00:20:47,446 --> 00:20:48,914
- Hey, Arch.
- Hey.
475
00:20:49,014 --> 00:20:50,858
- Did you hear the good news?
- Oh, yeah. Heard all about it.
476
00:20:50,882 --> 00:20:53,085
Barney, my old buddy,
congratulations.
477
00:20:53,185 --> 00:20:54,229
- Hey, thanks.
- Congratulations.
478
00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:55,621
- What?
- Tell him.
479
00:20:55,721 --> 00:20:56,788
No.
480
00:20:59,024 --> 00:21:01,827
Well, just one word
to the wise, Barney,
481
00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:04,896
grab your happiness
while you can,
482
00:21:04,997 --> 00:21:07,099
but always be braced
for heartbreak.
483
00:21:07,199 --> 00:21:09,101
Hmm, that's swell advice, Arch.
484
00:21:09,201 --> 00:21:10,235
- Uh, yeah.
- Yeah.
485
00:21:10,335 --> 00:21:11,503
Oh, by the way.
486
00:21:11,603 --> 00:21:13,405
We'd like to have
the wedding reception here
487
00:21:13,505 --> 00:21:14,906
in the restaurant where we met.
488
00:21:15,007 --> 00:21:16,942
- Is that possible?
- Oh, you hear this?
489
00:21:17,042 --> 00:21:18,310
You got it, kid.
490
00:21:18,410 --> 00:21:20,178
We'll supply
the finest in wines,
491
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:22,247
in liquors,
and a beautiful buffet,
492
00:21:22,347 --> 00:21:23,715
cash in advance.
493
00:21:24,683 --> 00:21:26,251
- Tell him.
- It's too late.
494
00:21:26,351 --> 00:21:27,953
Why is it too late?
495
00:21:29,087 --> 00:21:31,523
For one thing,
he said cash in advance.
496
00:21:31,623 --> 00:21:34,192
I can't give you
cash in advance.
497
00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:36,128
Tell him.
498
00:21:36,228 --> 00:21:37,996
Ain't you got no heart?
499
00:21:38,096 --> 00:21:39,464
Barney, um...
500
00:21:39,564 --> 00:21:42,200
maybe you ought to consider
just an old class elopement
501
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:43,568
to Nutley, New Jersey.
502
00:21:43,669 --> 00:21:45,537
Pancakes in Howard Johnson.
503
00:21:46,705 --> 00:21:47,739
Dottie:
That's for me,
504
00:21:47,839 --> 00:21:49,007
quick, sweet, and simple,
505
00:21:49,107 --> 00:21:50,909
so I can get
right back on the job.
506
00:21:51,009 --> 00:21:52,844
- Ah.
- If I have a job.
507
00:21:55,847 --> 00:21:57,649
Hey, hey...
508
00:22:02,354 --> 00:22:03,722
Don't handle things
509
00:22:03,822 --> 00:22:05,624
that you don't understand.
510
00:22:11,129 --> 00:22:13,165
- Certainly, you got a job.
- Dotty: Aw.
511
00:22:13,265 --> 00:22:15,267
I mean, if it's okay
with Barney.
512
00:22:15,367 --> 00:22:17,135
Oh, sure it's okay with me.
513
00:22:17,235 --> 00:22:18,937
Listen, I'm a liberated fella.
514
00:22:19,037 --> 00:22:20,605
I don't mind if my wife works,
515
00:22:20,706 --> 00:22:22,426
as long as she gets
the dinner on the table.
516
00:22:22,507 --> 00:22:25,043
- Hey, well said, Barney.
- Well said there.
517
00:22:25,143 --> 00:22:26,845
Well, then,
that's all right
with us, right?
518
00:22:26,945 --> 00:22:29,314
- Yeah, right.
- Yeah, yeah.
519
00:22:29,414 --> 00:22:31,083
You boys are okay.
520
00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:32,417
Ah, ain't she a sweetheart?
521
00:22:32,517 --> 00:22:34,353
Calling us boys
and the two of us
522
00:22:34,453 --> 00:22:36,755
between us are over
a hundred years old.
523
00:22:39,458 --> 00:22:40,726
Well now,
524
00:22:40,826 --> 00:22:42,828
have you got
anything further to say?
525
00:22:42,928 --> 00:22:44,796
No, I've got nothing
further to say.
526
00:22:44,896 --> 00:22:46,365
Because now
is the time to say it
527
00:22:46,465 --> 00:22:48,367
or forever after
hold your what-do-you-call.
528
00:22:48,467 --> 00:22:50,335
- Peace.
- Yeah, whatever.
529
00:22:50,435 --> 00:22:52,604
- Well, I have nothing to say.
- Good.
530
00:22:52,704 --> 00:22:53,939
Hey, Murray.
531
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:56,408
- Yes?
- Do me a favor, okay?
532
00:22:56,508 --> 00:22:58,777
Stop worrying about me, huh?
533
00:22:58,877 --> 00:23:00,021
Look, I have been
around the block
534
00:23:00,045 --> 00:23:01,079
a couple of times...
535
00:23:01,179 --> 00:23:02,423
Yeah, but Barney,
I'm telling you...
536
00:23:02,447 --> 00:23:03,648
Hold it, hold it.
537
00:23:03,749 --> 00:23:05,183
I know all about...
538
00:23:05,283 --> 00:23:06,551
I know what I'm doing.
539
00:23:06,651 --> 00:23:07,919
Would you...
540
00:23:09,688 --> 00:23:11,289
You dropped
the silverware all over,
541
00:23:11,390 --> 00:23:12,991
now I have to pick them up.
542
00:23:14,126 --> 00:23:15,394
Dropped it all over.
543
00:23:15,494 --> 00:23:17,195
Hey, I need help.
544
00:23:17,295 --> 00:23:18,430
If this is a craps game,
545
00:23:18,530 --> 00:23:20,432
break it up.
546
00:23:20,532 --> 00:23:21,800
Help there, will you, Barney?
547
00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:25,003
I'd like to, Arch,
but I'm late for work.
548
00:23:25,103 --> 00:23:26,972
Freddie.
549
00:23:27,072 --> 00:23:29,307
Help us pick
this stuff up, will you?
550
00:23:33,745 --> 00:23:35,414
Well, you the big liberal,
551
00:23:35,514 --> 00:23:36,782
let me tell you something.
552
00:23:36,882 --> 00:23:39,317
I gave you a lesson
in liberal here today.
553
00:23:39,418 --> 00:23:41,420
- Oh, I hadn't noticed.
- What's the lesson?
554
00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:43,488
Oh, my friend,
555
00:23:43,588 --> 00:23:46,224
a real liberal is a man who,
556
00:23:46,324 --> 00:23:47,526
on any occasion,
557
00:23:47,626 --> 00:23:49,127
when it demands,
558
00:23:49,227 --> 00:23:51,863
has always got the guts
559
00:23:51,963 --> 00:23:53,231
to keep his mouth shut.
36719
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