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1
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This is a story from the year
I was determined to lose my virginity.
2
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Also known as "My Year of Dicks."
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Watch me right here!
4
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Dear David,
the skater I know from riding the bus.
5
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As I watch you fall,
all I can only think about how much I'm falling for you.
6
00:00:36,919 --> 00:00:39,734
Over and over your bones seem to yearn for freedom
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the way mine aches for your embrace.
8
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- He's such a doof!
- He's not a doof!
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You know I can do this!
10
00:00:48,397 --> 00:00:51,377
I love how you file your nails into sharp points.
11
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Those tiny daggers of want!
12
00:00:53,496 --> 00:00:55,990
My friend Karina told me that you told her
13
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you did it so you could warn everyone you were a vampire.
14
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I need no such warning.
15
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In fact, I find this irresistible,
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as I am searching for the one who will take my first blood,
17
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inhale my innocence.
18
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Perhaps it will be you, immortal stranger.
19
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Are you okay?
20
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Yes, I like it when it bleeds.
21
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That's cool.
22
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I'm gonna teach you how to Ollie.
23
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Get on.
24
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Don't be afraid, just tilt your body like this...
25
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I am aflutter with the memories
we're making at this juncture.
26
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Our bodies touching, moving,
turning potential energy into...
27
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- She actually knows how to Ollie...
- I'm fine, Sam!
28
00:01:39,603 --> 00:01:42,011
Hey, aren't your parents out of town?
29
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Yeah, how'd you know?
30
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I'd like to make sure you won't be alone tonight.
31
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Oh I'm not, my little sister is there, you know?
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I'm watching her, so I'm not alone, don't worry...
33
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oh fuck, you mean... you...
34
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Shit, that's some easy fucking money!
35
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Perfect.
36
00:02:04,575 --> 00:02:05,880
I can come in?
37
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Can I go to your room?
38
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Your parents are awesome!
39
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They don't even hide their booze!
40
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Theres also Tom Collins mix.
41
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This will work!
42
00:02:23,849 --> 00:02:26,854
- Oh? My ex-boyfriend is here.
43
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No
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My dearest Clinton...
45
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I hope it is not taxing on your heart
to watch me take a new lover
46
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so soon after our entanglement at first base.
47
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We are young, but the cruelty of time dictates I must move on,
48
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until I find a sensual gardener who will clip my virginal roots,
49
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and let me soar into womanhood.
50
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But remember, you broke up with me!
51
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It was beyond my control.
52
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Let's go exploring!
53
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What's up! My mom has this carpet!
54
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Right.
55
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Fuck this!
56
00:03:16,722 --> 00:03:19,436
I need to tell you something before we keep going.
57
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- I'm a virgin.
- That's okay...
58
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And... I'm on my period.
59
00:03:38,254 --> 00:03:39,607
Are you mad at me?
60
00:03:46,665 --> 00:03:49,484
Hey. Did you make out with him just now?
Is that where you all went?
61
00:03:49,685 --> 00:03:51,498
- Why? Are you jealous?
62
00:03:51,588 --> 00:03:54,046
No! Made him win, five to four!
63
00:03:54,777 --> 00:03:58,566
Wait, maybe I can say you don't count because
we both told you!
64
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That would make it...
65
00:04:00,024 --> 00:04:02,456
Fuck, now he's four to three!
66
00:04:02,457 --> 00:04:05,215
- Thanks a lot, slut.
- How much did he win?
67
00:04:05,216 --> 00:04:07,358
Two dollars and 58 cents.
68
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It's a stupid fucking contest.
69
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How'd those girls find out?
70
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He made out with them too.
71
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Dumbass put the exact same apology
note in both their locker.
72
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They're best friends!
73
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God, what an idiot!
74
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:27,733
Isn't it worse that it was a bet?
75
00:04:27,734 --> 00:04:30,516
No, Sam, it's worse that I didn't get a letter.
76
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Can I borrow five dollars and sixteen cents?
77
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I'm worth double, bitch!
78
00:04:51,868 --> 00:04:54,588
This is a story of the year
I tried to lose my virginity.
79
00:04:54,689 --> 00:04:57,028
Also known as "My Year of Dicks."
80
00:05:02,161 --> 00:05:03,782
My God...
81
00:05:11,259 --> 00:05:13,192
- Go to bed.
- Okay.
82
00:05:13,193 --> 00:05:15,884
And whatever you're watching... Cut it out.
83
00:05:15,885 --> 00:05:17,919
- It's an art film.
- Yeah.
84
00:05:18,825 --> 00:05:21,079
- Did you ask her about the tape?
- No.
85
00:05:24,186 --> 00:05:25,947
Good evening my love.
86
00:05:25,948 --> 00:05:27,831
I am Pamela.
87
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I'm sorry.
88
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I am only Latin too,
89
00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:38,182
Ergo, I am not... How do you say fluent in French?
90
00:05:38,905 --> 00:05:43,701
But I am determined to speak French.
91
00:05:43,702 --> 00:05:45,329
Why, I love you Wally.
92
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Even though I've only seen him once in real life
93
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and I heard it once on the phone with my friend.
94
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Yes, Pamela!
95
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A petite messy hair when its see.
96
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An object of obsession!
97
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Your focus on my pleasure is the most superb!
98
00:05:58,803 --> 00:06:00,473
- Yes.
- Yes yes!
99
00:06:00,474 --> 00:06:03,607
We'll meet at the cinema, at your place of business.
100
00:06:03,608 --> 00:06:06,899
Pure chance that your lips find my flesh in the world of...
101
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:08,304
Hey!
102
00:06:10,091 --> 00:06:12,739
Where is "Cool as Ice"?
Where is it?
103
00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:17,181
the only reason why I came here was to talk shit
about "Cool as Ice" after it was over.
104
00:06:17,182 --> 00:06:20,038
Okay, Wally said "House Party 2", I fucked up.
105
00:06:20,039 --> 00:06:22,021
But he said we could come, right?
106
00:06:22,022 --> 00:06:23,309
He told you to bring us.
107
00:06:24,010 --> 00:06:27,250
Yes, he can get us into any movie after it started.
108
00:06:26,851 --> 00:06:29,499
Two! He can get us into two movies after the movie started.
109
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Because this bullshit theater only plays two movies.
110
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- We can see the other.
- I've seen it.
111
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I'm cultured, Pam.
112
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Hello, my little darling.
113
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Thanks.
114
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...in chemistry I'm trying to improve, and failing.
115
00:07:10,727 --> 00:07:14,464
Dear first penis ever in my hand,
116
00:07:14,465 --> 00:07:17,124
This was unexpected, I...
117
00:07:17,125 --> 00:07:19,571
You feel unlike anything I thought you would,
118
00:07:19,572 --> 00:07:23,196
you feel inhuman, plastic, like you're made of doll parts.
119
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I can't see you, and I do not want to.
120
00:07:27,808 --> 00:07:30,173
How am I supposed to like this?
121
00:07:30,174 --> 00:07:32,604
- What do I even do now?
-Put it in his mouth.
122
00:07:32,605 --> 00:07:34,340
- My God!
- What do I do?
123
00:07:34,341 --> 00:07:36,307
- Put it in your mouth!
- I don't know!
124
00:07:36,908 --> 00:07:40,080
No, if I do this, I will die here!
125
00:07:40,081 --> 00:07:42,552
Don't die, I will die if you die!
126
00:07:42,553 --> 00:07:44,009
- I don't...
- Okay.
127
00:07:52,109 --> 00:07:53,878
Why doesn't it feel right?
128
00:07:53,879 --> 00:07:55,909
What am I not to you that I can be?
129
00:07:57,401 --> 00:07:59,279
- You are so lucky! - I know.
130
00:08:00,162 --> 00:08:02,454
- Yes! - How can you say that?
131
00:08:02,455 --> 00:08:05,353
- She's looking for love!
- No, love is useless!
132
00:08:05,354 --> 00:08:09,660
Invisible, but sex is sticky, dirty, needy!
133
00:08:09,206 --> 00:08:11,589
Remember it's the sex that you're after, Pamela.
134
00:08:11,590 --> 00:08:15,310
- You can say no!
- Tell him no, he will only want you more.
135
00:08:15,311 --> 00:08:17,545
But is it me he's wanting?
136
00:08:18,499 --> 00:08:22,297
Come on, my break is almost over, can you just let me do this?
137
00:08:22,298 --> 00:08:24,548
- Do what?
- Fuck you.
138
00:08:24,549 --> 00:08:26,091
- No? - What's the problem?
139
00:08:26,092 --> 00:08:28,049
What's wrong with the touch of a stranger?
140
00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:29,881
- She's a virgin.
- She needs to get over it.
141
00:08:29,882 --> 00:08:32,475
- She needs to push past this asshole!
- Why won't he look at me?
142
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Because he's not me, Pam!
143
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You are me!
Raise!
144
00:08:37,380 --> 00:08:39,220
Get up and run, now!
145
00:08:41,696 --> 00:08:43,099
Fuckin' prude!
146
00:08:43,711 --> 00:08:45,180
Where were you?
147
00:08:45,284 --> 00:08:46,660
Uhh... I got lost.
148
00:08:49,474 --> 00:08:50,876
This place sucks.
149
00:08:52,429 --> 00:08:55,971
- What? Sam?
- Oh my God, what the fuck?
150
00:08:57,807 --> 00:08:59,867
Clean up your fucking mess, dude!
151
00:09:02,798 --> 00:09:04,173
Sorry!
152
00:09:04,382 --> 00:09:06,204
Goodbye, fool!
153
00:09:09,060 --> 00:09:10,472
Do you know how I felt back there?
154
00:09:10,931 --> 00:09:12,222
Cool as ice!
155
00:09:15,765 --> 00:09:17,889
Get it? Like the movie we're trying to see,
156
00:09:17,435 --> 00:09:20,215
but failed cuz' this movie theater fucking sucks!
157
00:09:28,730 --> 00:09:32,188
Hey, I'm Pam, I'm fifteen, trying to lose my virginity.
158
00:09:33,083 --> 00:09:35,522
Anyway, here's "My Year of Dicks."
159
00:09:47,903 --> 00:09:50,126
I have always wanted to be the kind of couple
160
00:09:50,127 --> 00:09:53,047
who touches each other even when it's too hot to be alive.
161
00:09:54,704 --> 00:09:57,402
And now, that's my real life!
162
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Thanks to you, sweet Robert!
163
00:09:59,991 --> 00:10:03,073
The boy who really loves to hold my hand.
164
00:10:03,364 --> 00:10:05,638
Like, all the time!
165
00:10:06,034 --> 00:10:08,508
I've never felt so cute in all my...
166
00:10:08,850 --> 00:10:10,904
Fuck, it's hot as balls out here!
167
00:10:10,905 --> 00:10:13,205
Yeah, It's Houston, it's summer.
168
00:10:13,206 --> 00:10:14,943
Hey, is it cool if I sit with you this time?
169
00:10:15,244 --> 00:10:16,987
The last dude I was stuck with was a screamer.
170
00:10:17,188 --> 00:10:18,152
- I scream...
171
00:10:18,153 --> 00:10:19,852
Yeah... But you I can tell you to shut up.
172
00:10:19,853 --> 00:10:22,208
- Shut up!
- Okay.
173
00:10:22,409 --> 00:10:23,410
What are we doing?
174
00:10:23,411 --> 00:10:24,850
Are we shoving Sam?
175
00:10:25,051 --> 00:10:27,298
I don't need to know why, I'll shove Sam all day.
176
00:10:27,299 --> 00:10:28,558
Shit!
177
00:10:28,559 --> 00:10:31,678
Guys, I'm having the best day ever...
178
00:10:41,483 --> 00:10:42,730
Woo! Yes!
179
00:10:45,703 --> 00:10:47,955
Hey, it's not my fault!
180
00:10:48,642 --> 00:10:50,167
Hey! Get off me!
181
00:10:54,241 --> 00:10:56,254
What are you doing over here? I couldn't find you.
182
00:10:56,255 --> 00:10:58,630
I gotta call my mom and tell her
what time to pick us up.
183
00:10:58,631 --> 00:11:01,091
Not yet, okay? Let's stay until dark.
184
00:11:02,254 --> 00:11:04,377
- Birds are stupid.
- No they're not, Sam.
185
00:11:04,378 --> 00:11:06,261
Most birds mate for life.
186
00:11:06,262 --> 00:11:08,467
Their relationships matter to them.
187
00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:12,574
Like, how nobody believes that Big Bird's
best friend, Mr. Snuffleupagus
188
00:11:12,575 --> 00:11:17,552
actually existed, but he knew he was real.
He never doubted!
189
00:11:17,553 --> 00:11:21,996
Then one day, the people making the show
realized that they're teaching kids
190
00:11:21,997 --> 00:11:25,863
that adults don't always believe you when
you tell them big secrets.
191
00:11:25,864 --> 00:11:28,908
So they made everybody see Mr. Snuffleupagus
192
00:11:28,909 --> 00:11:33,341
and then they all apologized to Big Bird,
one by one.
193
00:11:33,342 --> 00:11:37,343
Isn't that kind? Do you remember that?
194
00:11:39,910 --> 00:11:41,208
Pam?
195
00:11:42,256 --> 00:11:44,327
Do you think...
196
00:11:45,053 --> 00:11:47,832
- That Big Bird is a real bird?
- Shut up!
197
00:11:47,833 --> 00:11:51,847
Come on, it's adorable!
So what? You think Big Bird is a real bird.
198
00:11:55,081 --> 00:12:00,364
Dear Robert. As we lift off,
so too does my heart take giddy flight.
199
00:12:00,388 --> 00:12:02,718
Get your perfect face ready!
200
00:12:08,024 --> 00:12:11,345
I love how you let me control the pace,
the urgency...
201
00:12:12,965 --> 00:12:15,543
I love how we tell each other what we want.
202
00:12:33,668 --> 00:12:38,038
We never even fought, okay? Not even once!
203
00:12:38,063 --> 00:12:40,499
Maybe he wanted to end it before you did have a fight.
204
00:12:40,500 --> 00:12:42,762
That's what he said in the parking lot.
205
00:12:43,485 --> 00:12:47,913
He said that we were better as friends, and...
I just don't get it, okay!
206
00:12:47,914 --> 00:12:52,571
Tell me the truth, did I do anything?
Did you see me do something stupid?
207
00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:55,901
I don't know, did you mean tonight,
or are we talking about years?
208
00:12:55,947 --> 00:12:59,037
- Shut up!
- Gross, you just snotted on me!
209
00:12:59,038 --> 00:13:00,148
No, i didn't!
210
00:13:00,149 --> 00:13:02,090
You did, look! It's on my face.
211
00:13:03,747 --> 00:13:05,227
I don't see anything.
212
00:13:22,595 --> 00:13:24,238
- Maybe not.
- It's okay.
213
00:13:25,378 --> 00:13:27,406
- You don't have to do that.
- No, I know.
214
00:13:28,964 --> 00:13:31,460
- I mean don't-- Don't do that.
- It's okay.
215
00:13:32,529 --> 00:13:35,776
No!
I'm telling you "no", okay?
216
00:13:36,332 --> 00:13:37,576
Yeah.
217
00:13:37,577 --> 00:13:39,962
My mom has been waiting long enough,
let's go.
218
00:13:42,951 --> 00:13:44,409
Sam, wait!
219
00:13:59,954 --> 00:14:03,116
Hi again, it's me! Still a virgin!
220
00:14:03,168 --> 00:14:05,519
Anyways, you know, "My Year of Dicks"
221
00:14:14,686 --> 00:14:17,033
I'm a monster!
222
00:14:17,368 --> 00:14:20,315
Crawling through the halls, I haunt!
223
00:14:20,671 --> 00:14:22,467
I harm!
224
00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:26,195
I have damaged another!
225
00:14:26,695 --> 00:14:30,877
I hurt my best friend, I lost my love!
226
00:14:31,387 --> 00:14:34,808
Writing without a muse, when will there be...
227
00:14:35,936 --> 00:14:37,921
I can't, I don't know when my father arrives,
228
00:14:37,922 --> 00:14:40,536
my mom is working tonight and Natalie is asleep!
229
00:14:40,537 --> 00:14:41,743
- I'll pick you up!
- No, Karina!
230
00:14:41,844 --> 00:14:43,738
- Just come, and I...
- I'm not...
231
00:14:44,759 --> 00:14:48,505
Hey! Okay, okay, look...
You'll be home by two, I promise.
232
00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:50,863
- I'm Pam!
- I don't care.
233
00:14:51,064 --> 00:14:53,645
If you want your ten bucks, be nice to my friend.
234
00:14:53,646 --> 00:14:56,010
She just got dumped, you fucking douche.
235
00:14:56,011 --> 00:14:57,865
Being single is cool, Pam.
236
00:14:57,866 --> 00:15:01,156
- It doesn't seem nice to be alone.
- You are not alone!
237
00:15:01,157 --> 00:15:05,277
You're with me, we're both gonna walk up to this
this party, like two single bitches,
238
00:15:05,278 --> 00:15:06,525
who know what's up.
239
00:15:06,526 --> 00:15:08,697
I don't think I like being called a bitch.
240
00:15:08,698 --> 00:15:12,394
- Pam, listen! Just be cool!
- Okay, I'm fine! I'm cool!
241
00:15:12,395 --> 00:15:13,706
I'm a cool bitch!
242
00:15:25,786 --> 00:15:28,172
Oh my God, Karina, there's drugs here,
that is actual cocaine!
243
00:15:28,875 --> 00:15:31,098
You said Kelly's mom would be here.
244
00:15:31,099 --> 00:15:34,542
Kelly's mother is in the bedroom
committing consensual statutory rape
245
00:15:34,543 --> 00:15:36,428
with some dude named Scott.
246
00:15:36,429 --> 00:15:40,579
"The bedroom"?
Like, there's only one? Where does Kelly sleep?
247
00:15:40,580 --> 00:15:42,763
Oh shit, are you CPS?
248
00:15:43,952 --> 00:15:45,541
- No, why?
- What is your name?
249
00:15:45,542 --> 00:15:49,300
- I'm Pam.
- Weird name, Pam. I'm Joey.
250
00:15:49,301 --> 00:15:51,956
Don't ask me if I want a beer, because I'm Straight Edge.
251
00:15:51,957 --> 00:15:56,344
I don't drink alcohol, do drugs, or even like... have a coke.
252
00:15:56,345 --> 00:15:59,368
- Because of antibiotics?
- Because it's hardcore!
253
00:15:59,860 --> 00:16:02,065
I'm pure and I like extremes!
254
00:16:02,414 --> 00:16:04,228
- Okay.
- Come see!
255
00:16:15,057 --> 00:16:19,099
Where is she, Karina!
Karina!
256
00:16:19,100 --> 00:16:21,753
Fuck, my mom is here, you have to hide.
257
00:16:21,754 --> 00:16:24,154
If my mom sees I took you here,
I'm in so much more trouble.
258
00:16:24,555 --> 00:16:26,291
- Why?
- She thinks I'm a bad influence.
259
00:16:26,292 --> 00:16:27,747
Can you fit under the sink please?
260
00:16:27,748 --> 00:16:29,063
But I don't...
261
00:16:30,723 --> 00:16:32,476
- Why are you doing here?
- Mom, please. I'm sorry!
262
00:16:32,477 --> 00:16:34,708
It is much too late for sorries!
263
00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:50,701
If anyone wants to give me a ride home,
I don't live far I think.
264
00:16:59,391 --> 00:17:01,248
- Here.
- Thanks.
265
00:17:08,571 --> 00:17:10,140
- Yes?
- Get out of my bed.
266
00:17:10,141 --> 00:17:13,255
- I'll take you home in the morning.
- Thanks.
267
00:17:15,046 --> 00:17:18,052
Oh, your boots are still on, are you cold?
268
00:17:18,053 --> 00:17:21,265
I never take them off, they are part of me.
269
00:17:21,566 --> 00:17:24,115
Oh yes...
270
00:17:28,973 --> 00:17:31,426
Dear Straight Edge Joey,
271
00:17:31,644 --> 00:17:34,761
I guess sometimes you can't predict
how love will find you.
272
00:17:36,011 --> 00:17:40,394
Your kindness tonight has shown me there's
is no reason to fear what comes next.
273
00:17:41,980 --> 00:17:44,628
I love your eyes, they're so blue.
274
00:17:45,158 --> 00:17:47,009
And your hair is perfect.
275
00:17:47,546 --> 00:17:50,143
Your skin is red, it's just right.
276
00:17:50,907 --> 00:17:52,674
So pure!
277
00:17:53,626 --> 00:17:56,133
That's right, so pure.
278
00:17:56,134 --> 00:18:00,117
I should lose my purity to someone
who admires exactly that.
279
00:18:01,826 --> 00:18:05,853
Besides, isn't it the virgin who is always
killed in these things?
280
00:18:06,446 --> 00:18:08,946
Let's tell him what a gift he's receiving.
281
00:18:09,047 --> 00:18:12,300
Joey, I wanted you to know that I'm a virgin.
282
00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:14,171
You'll be my first.
283
00:18:15,209 --> 00:18:18,949
Oh Christ, I-- I'm not...
I'm not important enough for that.
284
00:18:19,050 --> 00:18:20,436
Fuck!
285
00:18:21,977 --> 00:18:23,549
Good night Kim.
286
00:18:24,676 --> 00:18:27,226
You know, if you were 5% dumber,
287
00:18:27,227 --> 00:18:29,776
you wouldn't get into half the
stupid shit I've seen you do.
288
00:18:29,777 --> 00:18:30,996
Okay.
289
00:18:30,997 --> 00:18:34,080
Karina is always going on about how
you're so funny and you're so great,
290
00:18:34,081 --> 00:18:37,606
but you almost fucked a nazi skinhead
on my carpet last night, so...
291
00:18:37,607 --> 00:18:41,021
- Who's the total dumbass? It's you!
- What? No, I did not do that!
292
00:18:41,022 --> 00:18:44,265
I didn't do that! I. Did. Not. Do. That!
I would not.
293
00:18:44,366 --> 00:18:49,580
Yeah dude, he's a fuckin' racist piece of shit, fuckin' turd licking
white power, stupid ass inbred, ignorant flag fucker, is what he is...
294
00:18:49,681 --> 00:18:52,961
And I've seen that dude shoot heroin,
so fuck his big ass Straight Edge bullshit
295
00:18:52,962 --> 00:18:56,826
all the way to the double cheeseburgers, he probably eats
in the closet while he jacks off and then drinks his
296
00:18:56,827 --> 00:19:00,861
own jizz because he's so pure of mind,
or whatever the fuck he's always going on...
297
00:19:00,862 --> 00:19:03,845
Okay, okay, Kelly! Oh my God!
298
00:19:03,846 --> 00:19:05,875
Okay, Nazi-almost-fucker.
299
00:19:06,487 --> 00:19:08,529
Dad, I'm grounded.
300
00:19:08,530 --> 00:19:10,206
Is that Pam?
301
00:19:15,414 --> 00:19:18,325
Hey, you know...
302
00:19:18,683 --> 00:19:20,329
The whole thing...
303
00:19:20,330 --> 00:19:22,300
Sorry, "My Year of Dicks"
304
00:19:25,923 --> 00:19:28,186
Sneaking out of the house to go to party with boys.
305
00:19:28,187 --> 00:19:29,938
Never I thought you'd do that.
306
00:19:31,342 --> 00:19:35,269
Well, the good thing about you being grounded is that you
get to spend time with me on my time off.
307
00:19:35,270 --> 00:19:37,091
I get to keep you all to myself.
308
00:19:38,466 --> 00:19:39,705
What are these?
309
00:19:39,706 --> 00:19:42,391
- Are these love letters?
- They're mine!
310
00:19:42,392 --> 00:19:44,711
It's from high school, so embarrassing.
311
00:19:44,712 --> 00:19:47,968
I should burn these!
Promise me you'll never read these.
312
00:19:50,916 --> 00:19:55,166
Dear Mom, it's moments like these
I'm reminded you were once young like me.
313
00:19:55,167 --> 00:19:57,810
Maybe a lot like me, and now we're here.
314
00:19:57,811 --> 00:20:03,852
Having a quiet private moment where maybe
we can share something honest and real.
315
00:20:03,853 --> 00:20:06,260
- Oh, Richard.
- I could use your help.
316
00:20:07,532 --> 00:20:09,849
Mom, can I ask you a question?
317
00:20:11,885 --> 00:20:14,378
How old were you when you first had sex?
318
00:20:15,674 --> 00:20:18,193
- Shut up! You shut the fuck up!
- Mom!
319
00:20:18,194 --> 00:20:20,831
I'm not... Oh, I'm not... You shut up...
320
00:20:20,832 --> 00:20:22,256
What?
321
00:20:23,299 --> 00:20:28,136
- Pamela, your father would like to speak with you.
- Oh my God, Mom, no! No!
322
00:20:35,547 --> 00:20:39,743
Your mother tells me you're thinking about having sex.
323
00:20:39,744 --> 00:20:42,419
Dad, no, I wasn't!
I was trying to have a...
324
00:20:42,420 --> 00:20:43,731
Regardless...
325
00:20:43,932 --> 00:20:47,127
What makes you think you'd like sex?
326
00:20:47,842 --> 00:20:49,767
They like it on TV.
327
00:20:49,768 --> 00:20:52,509
True, but that's not reality.
328
00:20:52,810 --> 00:20:54,770
Let me ask you something:
329
00:20:55,059 --> 00:20:56,917
Have you ever had an orgasm?
330
00:20:57,095 --> 00:20:58,334
What?
331
00:21:00,967 --> 00:21:04,277
No! No! No, Dad, no!
332
00:21:04,756 --> 00:21:07,690
So you've never masturbated or anything?
333
00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:13,146
No, no, no. No!
334
00:21:13,147 --> 00:21:19,308
Well, Pamela, let me tell you,
women don't actually like having sex.
335
00:21:21,506 --> 00:21:24,497
They like the kisses beforehand,
and the hugging...
336
00:21:24,498 --> 00:21:26,570
- No, no, no!
- And the cuddling after.
337
00:21:26,571 --> 00:21:32,238
But the actual penetration is actually
quite unpleasant for a woman.
338
00:21:32,239 --> 00:21:38,324
Now your mother gets wet easily, and the penis
doesn't actually know the difference between
339
00:21:38,325 --> 00:21:40,765
a vagina and a rubber doll.
340
00:21:40,766 --> 00:21:44,004
The male desire can be fulfilled quite easily
341
00:21:44,005 --> 00:21:47,053
without women having to suffer
342
00:21:47,054 --> 00:21:52,263
through the rather painful and humiliating act of coitus.
343
00:21:52,264 --> 00:21:55,273
That's why I think you should start with oral sex.
344
00:21:55,274 --> 00:22:00,192
It has fewer complications,
and it won't ruin your chances at a future.
345
00:22:00,892 --> 00:22:02,410
Good talk.
346
00:22:10,254 --> 00:22:12,790
- So what did he say?
- Please don't make me tell you.
347
00:22:12,791 --> 00:22:14,991
- That's fair.
- It's fair.
348
00:22:16,956 --> 00:22:18,257
Hi.
349
00:22:18,258 --> 00:22:21,044
I'd like to spend this whole day
saying "I'm sorry" to you.
350
00:22:32,256 --> 00:22:35,205
Oh my God, Sam! What are you...
351
00:22:35,206 --> 00:22:36,746
I don't want to mess this up!
352
00:22:36,747 --> 00:22:38,964
- Please, just...
- You're so naked!
353
00:22:38,965 --> 00:22:40,544
It's for a point, I promise.
354
00:22:40,825 --> 00:22:42,145
Okay...
355
00:22:44,201 --> 00:22:49,016
Dear Pamela, I wanted to talk to you
in the way you talk to others.
356
00:22:49,017 --> 00:22:51,816
I know what words matter to you and...
357
00:22:51,817 --> 00:22:53,894
You matter to me and I...
358
00:22:55,882 --> 00:22:58,940
No, I'm not reading that part,
that's so fucking stupid, hang on...
359
00:23:01,564 --> 00:23:03,375
Okay, uh sorry...
360
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:07,969
Oh no sorry, please stay here! Just...
361
00:23:09,363 --> 00:23:11,877
You've been with some dickhole shitbags
362
00:23:11,878 --> 00:23:14,059
and not one of them has been
good enough for you.
363
00:23:14,331 --> 00:23:15,829
I don't know if anybody is.
364
00:23:16,402 --> 00:23:19,196
But you, are good enough.
365
00:23:21,364 --> 00:23:23,522
You're hot, smart, funny,
366
00:23:23,523 --> 00:23:26,798
and you are already more of a woman
than any girl I know...
367
00:23:28,284 --> 00:23:29,822
Oh no!
368
00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:35,083
- I am cold.
- I can tell.
369
00:23:38,896 --> 00:23:41,026
- Here.
- Thanks.
370
00:23:44,638 --> 00:23:45,929
Okay.
371
00:23:45,930 --> 00:23:47,353
Are you warm now?
372
00:23:47,354 --> 00:23:48,570
Gettin' there.
373
00:23:50,318 --> 00:23:51,617
Will this fit me?
374
00:23:53,292 --> 00:23:55,639
- There!
- I'm warm enough now.
375
00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:57,671
Here, give me your hands.
376
00:24:05,719 --> 00:24:07,046
I love you.
377
00:24:10,686 --> 00:24:13,313
- I can come in?
- Please come in.
27427
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