All language subtitles for The.Simpsons.S35E01.WEB.x264-TG.Hi

[thunder rumbling]

[panting]

Finally, a galaxy
without trolls.

Huh?

[both grunting]

Your reign of muscly heroism

Ends here, flexulon.

[screeching]

[shouts]

[groans]

Soar high, my golden friend.

For today, we die another day.

[laughing]

[rock guitar solo plays]

[laughs] next stop,

The dank sticky jungles
of bong-ulon five.

- [tires screeching]
- [laughing]

Dude, you shouldn't
have let him eat

That whole pan of acid brownies.

In my defense, I-I
thought it'd be cool,

And I was right.

So, since otto has
disappeared with our bus

And our brownie pans,

Parents will have to drive
their own children to school.

[overlapping complaints]

Well, fewer of you
would have to drive

If you sat down and
arranged a carpool schedule.

[clamoring]

[parent] I'll kill you!

Or your children
could walk to school

So none of you have
to do anything.

[overlapping agreements]

Walking it is.

However, we do need
one parent volunteer

To complete our team of

Noble crossing guards.

Just, uh, one engaged
parent is all we need.

[overlapping grumbling]

Hell yeah! You know I'm in.

I've been waiting for
this my whole life.

Homer simpson. Wonderful.

Hmm? What'd he say?

I was watching the trailer for
the revenge of the nerds reboot.

John cena is playing booger.

Homer, you just volunteered.

Dear god.

No. Stop. Yield.

Well, he's got the lingo
down. This guy's a natural.

[bird caws]

Now I got to wake up

At the butt-crack of dawn

To walk loser kids
across some loser street.

[groans] never have
children, lenny.

[laughs] you don't have
to worry about that.

- See, I was born without...
- [alert beeping]

What the...? We've got a code
blue in 7-g. Repeat, code blue.

[alarm blaring]

[groans] anyhoo,

You notice there's an apple for
sale in the vending machine?

[laughs] I mean,
who would buy that?

[alarm continues blaring]

- Double the coolant levels, now.
- I'm on it.

Backup pumps on standby.

Carlson, decrease the
steam valves by 60p.

Leonard, the control rods.

You, glasses, pray
for all our souls.

Now, switch generators
on my count.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

Implement.

[powering down]

[laughter]

- We did it!
- Boolah, boolah.

[clears throat] um, fellas?

I'm the nuclear
safety guy, right?

Shouldn't my console have been
doing all that beepy stuff?

- Yeah, um, uh... [stammers]
- uh, you see...

We kind of made it so that
just my console does that now.

We just figured we'd
lighten your load, buddy,

Since you already do so much.

Like the March madness brackets.

And you're the go-getter
who implemented

Jean-short wednesdays.

Are you guys saying

I've never kept anyone safe?

Oh, sure you have, homer.
Just... By not doing anything.

My console isn't
even plugged in.

I opened it, and it's
full of cleaning supplies

And unsold mr. Burns funkos.

[groans] this whole time
I thought I mattered,

But I don't and I never did.

Well, you matter to me,

Especially since
it's Wednesday night.

Oh. Right. Scheduled sex.

[both moaning]

[homer] okay, here we go...

Just give me a second here.
[moans] come on, just...

Almost... [grunts] um...

[marge] uh, sweetie?

It seems like your light saber
doesn't want to go "shwoom."

Did you go "han solo"
earlier tonight?

[groans] I guess I'm
useless everywhere.

I'm just gonna stay
in bed tomorrow

And suck my nightstand
ketchup packets.

Actually, you have
to wake up at 6:00

To be a crossing guard.

D'oh!

What do you guys think
happened to otto?

- Jail.
- Jail.

- Jail.
- Maybe he just got tired

Of always running
from the darkness.

Oh, god, there's dad.

Please don't let
him embarrass us.

Well, well,

Time to help the baby
brigade cross the road.

[laughter]

- [groans]
- oh, no.

I deserve your respect,

You little jerks.

Stupid kids. Without me,

They'd be stuck on
one side of the street

For the rest of their lives.

Haw-haw! Got your
octagonal sign.

Hey, give me that!

I need it to tell
cars what to do. Stop!

No, you stop.

- [laughs]
- d'oh!

- [laughter]
- [grunts]

I'm a streetwalker.

Oh, no. I'm late
for my aa meeting.

Hey there, gorgeous.

Hmm?

[grunts]

[both] whoa.

My whole life just
flashed through my pants.

Way to go, homer!

You just saved this balding
little scamp's life.

- All right, homer.
- You did it, dad!

How about one for
the paper, mr. S.

I saved someone's life.

You hear that, world?

Homer simpson matters!

[overlapping shouting]

Oh, right. How
about one of these?

- Whoo.
- Whee!

[grunting rhythmically]

The last two endangered pandas

On earth died today

In what zoo investigators are
calling a grisly murder-suicide.

Adios, pandas. We'll see
you at the crossroads.

We wrap up tonight's
nightly reading of horrors

With a new optimistic
segment I like to call

"chicken soup for the news."

The small-town crossing guard.

[chuckles]

A job most americans consider
as charming as it is pointless.

Until last week,

When local hero homer
simpson risked his life

To save one
pumpkin-headed little boy.

And now, simpson
has become something

Of a curbside celebrity.

What can springfield do to
show its love and appreciation

For local crossing guards?

I don't know. I guess we
could use some new equipment.

These lawn chairs
aren't very comfy

And these old sashes don't
exactly "lift and support."

But you know what, kent?

Keeping kids safe
is its own reward.

God bless that
saintly doughball.

That's it, I'm giving
springfield's crossing guards

An actual budget.

Not for self-serving
political reasons,

But because I'm a
man of principle

Who wants to do
good in the world.

Joseph, your turn on
the sex chess board.

We can't very well
play without our king.

Though the bishop may try.

♪

Wow, look at all
this orange swag.

And that's just the beginning.

Now you'll be getting
a full-time salary.

Ah, sweet cellophane sally.

First, I get paid
to be the timer

At a chess-themed sex
orgy, and now this.

Homer, as the fella whose
heroism got us here,

I nominate you as
crossing guard captain.

[marge and lisa] ooh.

Look at my handsome
man in uniform.

I don't know, homer.

The only people that wear
badges are power-hungry chumps

Who want to keep
the little guy down.

Are you talking about
that security guard

At the supermarket?

I wasn't trying to break
the gumball machine.

I was just trying to
shake out a purple.

Well, I'm proud of you, dad.

Volunteering to
serve the community

Is the highest calling there is.

You know what's even better?

Volunteering for money.
We're getting paid now.

I even got a budget
for ten more guards.

And I'm only gonna hire
the best and the brightest.

All right, rookies.

Not all of you are going to
make it through training.

Look to your left, now
look to your right.

That's how you know
if a car is coming.

That concludes your training.

Heya, homer. I-I
can't thank you enough

For saving my ralphy's life.

Of course, chief.
Just doing my job.

If you ever need a
parking ticket thrown out

Or someone else's dna left
somewhere, you just let me know.

[humming]

Yarr, captain.

He didn't seek your permission
to cross the seven stripes.

Crossing guard stu

- Thinks he's undermining you.
- [groans]

- Where's the fire, buddy?
- [exclaims]

Do you know how jay you
were walking there, sir?

I-I-I don't know
what that means.

All right, wise guy, I'm
gonna have to ask you

To step out of the curb.

And keep your feet
where I can see them.

[stammers] I can't
even see them.

Sir, calm down.

Look, I can let you off
with a warning this time,

But just so you know,
I run these streets.

I... what? No, you don't, I do.

Well, I run all the parts
between the curbs. Got it?

Ooh, these are nice.

I'm gonna hold onto them,

Unless you have a
problem with that?

Yeah, no, no problem at
all, um, uh, "cross-ifer."

Just have-have a nice day.

Stupid crossing guards,

Think they're so tough with
their cool orange vests.

Another curb kept safe

By captain homer
j. Simpson. Boys?

♪

[raucous laughter]

H-here's that pitcher you
asked for, squeaky voice.

That's mr. Teen to you, rookie.

These new guys got no respect.

It ain't like when we
started three weeks ago.

Homer, I've been
trying to reach you.

Whoa, there, skinner. This bar
is crossing guards only now.

I don't even let lenny
and carl in here no more.

Yeah, but did you
read my urgent memo?

Tomorrow is the science fair,
bake sale, and picture day.

Morning drop-off will
be very challenging.

Now, uh, I'm not telling
you how to do your job...

Are you telling me
how to do my job?

No, I specifically said I'm not
telling you how to do your job.

That's enough, principal
what's-ya-face.

No pedestrians allowed.

But, homer,

If we don't get this right,

It could be pandemonium.

[scoffs] pandemonium.

It's pandemonium, folks.
This is arnie pye,

Reporting live high above an
elementary school traffic jam

Turned all-out
scholastic fracas.

Surely this town's handsomely
paid crossing guards

Can bring order to this
Monday morning mayhem.

- [helicopter whirring]
- oh, oh.

- Guys, stop it!
- [glass shatters]

[moaning]

[mice squeaking]

- [overlapping shouting]
- [horns honking]

The punching is
making things worse.

Don't make me blow
my whistle at you.

Captain simpson, the
shaking of my car

Is dangerously close to mixing

The hydrogen peroxide,
yeast, and dish soap within.

- So?
- Those ingredients create

A fascinating yet
volatile substance

Known as... [gasps]

Elephant toothpaste.

This was the most
expensive, destructive,

And disgusting riot since
the isotopes won the pennant.

Go topes.

Crossing guard
captain homer simpson,

What do you have to
say for yourself?

[overlapping shouting]

Um... Um...

Ooh! What can I do? Who can
I blame? Coastal elites?

Avocado socialists? The
boy? [gasps] I've got it.

Mr. Mayor, the blame falls
squarely on the shoulders

Of the crossing guards...'s
inadequate budget.

We need more money!

More money?

More money for training,
for equipment, for overtime,

So that your children can
cross the street safely

At 3:00 a.M. If they want to.

[overlapping agreements]

Throwing money at a
deeply flawed institution

Is bound to work.

Um, have you all been
huffing evidence powder?

Homer simpson and
his chair-jockeys

Royally screwed the
pooch on this one.

And now you want to
give him more money?

That makes absolutely no sense.

Listen up, wokester.

Guys like me are the
last line of defense

Between your school
kids and guys like me

Who text when they drive.

And if you don't like it,

You can jaywalk your
ass back to portland.

[cheering]

Wha...?

All in favor of me

Pulling a political
180 on this issue

And giving the crossing guards
a blank check, say "aye."

- [all] aye.
- Nay.

Somebody get my
enormous checkbook.

[cheering]

It worked.

Maybe I should've asked
them for more, just in case.

And, uh, here's some
more, just in case.

Ooh, these beanbag bazookas

Can shatter a
minivan windshield.

[gasps] and it comes
with a beanbag bandolier.

Look at you and
your huge budget.

My big, strong
leader in the streets

And in the sheets...
the bedsheets.

I like that we kept our
sunglasses on last night.

I couldn't see a thing.

Wow, look at all
this cool stuff.

You are an all-powerful
crossing god.

I thought you said
badges were lame?

Hey, like everyone who
comes into a ton of cash,

I've flip-flopped to
the side of authority.

Oh, you're charging
me, francine?

Even though I keep your
kids safe every morning?

Aiden? Charlotte?

Nearsighted nicholas?

Oh, I'm sorry.
It's on the house.

Thank you for your
service, hero.

[sighs] I don't even have
kids, but this guy scares me.

Um, dad,

I worry that this massive
increase in money and power

Is subtly corrupting
you. [chuckles nervously]

Oh, honey, relax.

There's nothing subtle about it.

["won't get fooled again" by
the who playing] ♪ hey! ♪

- [glass shatters]
- move, move, move!

[crowd gasping]

Nice job, squeaks.

Moleman, you got a couple of
sjws... suspected jaywalkers...

At three o'clock. Engage
with extreme hostility.

[moleman over radio]
copy. Gun safety

And body cam off.

[gunshots]

Mm... Simpson and
his orange shirts

Are harassing citizens
with complete disregard

For their civil rights.

I'm up to my eyeballs
in angry emails

And nine-figure lawsuits.

Well, you could always, uh...

Decrease their budget a bit.

- Defund us?!
- [both yelp]

My department does not
have too much money.

How did you know what
we were talking about?

Uh, surveillance satellite.

[beeping]

Aw, geez, we wanted
one of those.

Uh, captain simpson,

Your crossing guards now take up

The vast majority of
this town's budget.

We have no choice but to
trim your budget by...

1.5 percent.

[stammering] one point...

Sir, you're about to learn

The crossing guards
are uncrossable.

[rat squeaking]

Where's the nice man
who helps us cross?

I heard he lost his funding.

Let's just go by ourselves.

[engine revving]

[both scream]

[homer] welcome to mayor
quimby's springfield,

Population: Two less kids.

Quimby and his fat-cop cronies

Want to flood the streets
with door-dashers,

Rolling stoppers,

And yellow-light speeder-uppers.

Joe quimby. Bad for springfield.

Worse for america.

A smear ad?

It's not even an election year.

Is it?

Homer simpson can
bully this town,

Its citizens, and
their young children,

But he cannot bully me.

Clancy, shut him down.

With pleasure.

[gasps]

My anti-quimby ad
got a million likes

On my "thin orange
line" facebook page.

Look at all these
supportive comments.

"murder quimby,"

"dismember quimby,"

"go back in time and
kill baby quimby."

Ah, the internet,

The marketplace of ideas.

You're endangering the
lives of public officials.

Oh, come on, I'm just
slinging a little mud.

What's the worst
that could happen?

[glass shatters]

[gasps] dear god...

That chair was my best
friend on the force.

Who would dare do this?

[wiggum] me would dare.

When you mess with the
pig, you get the snout.

[snorts]

This is a chair too far, wiggum.

My crossing guards and your cops

Need to settle this
once and for all,

At the most dangerous
place in town.

What, that brunchausen
by loxy place

That's been poisoning
everyone for attention?

No. The six-way intersection.

Well, well,

I thought cops only showed up
after something bad happens.

[laughter]

We are sick of you
crossing guards

And your unaccountable,
super-macho,

Hyper-sensitive, crazily
militarized malarkey.

That's our thing, damn it.

No, that's our thing.

Who the hell are you?

We're ice. Keeping
this country safe

From cleaning ladies and
college-age dreamers.

We're america's heroes.

You wish, kid-cagers.
It's the tsa.

We keep this country safe,

One confiscated shampoo
bottle at a time.

Think again, shoe sniffers.

The only force holding
society together

Is america's meter maids.

And meter butlers.

No, it's us, overzealous
neighborhood watch guys

In right-to-carry states.

- [yells]
- whoop. Sorry, clem.

[clamoring]

[airhorn blows]

You all think you
keep america safe?

[scoffs] how?

By hassling grandmas and
wrecking quinceañeras?

By grazing my junk
with your wand?

Or arresting bank robbers

Who rob banks?

Unlike all of you,

I've earned the right
to feel godlike.

I've actually saved a life.

[lifeguard] um, we save
lives every day, bruh.

Shut up, lifeguards.
This is a land argument.

But if the rest of
you want to get nuts,

Then come on, let's get nuts.

But mark my words,

Before you cross
the crossing guards,

You'd better look
both way... [grunts]

Hey, everybody. I'm back. I...

Uh-oh.

[groans weakly]

Am I gonna go to jail now?

I wouldn't dream of it.

[cheering]

Well, I hope you learned
a valuable lesson, dad.

Absolute power...

Is the best kind
of power there is?

Is a warm beanbag bazooka?

Does bad things to society

And does strange things to me.

No. Once you militarized
the crossing guards,

They became an army
in search of an enemy.

And if the only tool
you have is a hammer,

Then everything starts
to look like a nail.

Perhaps, but on
the other hand...

- [burps, laughs]
- ugh.

- Mom!
- Gotcha!

Bart, say "excuse me."

[lisa] I don't care if he
says excuse me, I want him

- Not to burp in my face.
- [crying]

Lighten up, lis.

[overlapping arguing]

Must hammer nails.

♪ if I had a hammer ♪

♪ I'd hammer in the morning ♪

♪ I'd hammer in
the evening... ♪

♪ I got a hammer,
and I've got a bell ♪

♪ and I've got a song to sing ♪

♪ all over this land ♪

♪ it's a hammer of justice ♪

♪ it's a bell of freedom ♪

♪ it's a song about love ♪

♪ between my brothers
and my sisters ♪

♪ all over this land ♪

♪ it's a hammer of justice ♪

♪ it's a bell of freedom ♪

♪ it's a song about love ♪

♪ between my brothers
and my sisters ♪

♪ all over this land. ♪

Shh!