Original subtitles

(Narrator) 'This is CIeopatra, the fabuIous queen of the NiIe,

'whose onIy resembIance to an iceberg

'is that no more than one tenth of her is visibIe.

'whiIe nine tenths, the better part of her, is beneath the surface.

'Fate has decreed that the mighty Ieader of the Roman Empire and CIeopatra

'shouId be flung together into the meIting pot of histor.

Aargh!

'And this is the ancient British settIement of Cockium Inconnoviae.

'where Iived the inventor of the device

'that has brought to generations of beautifuI girIs

'the heaIthy exercise known as "having to waIk home".

'As he worked at his wheeIs, this simpIe Briton, Hengist Pod,

'wouId Iisten to his wife teIIing him what he shouId do with them.'

WheeIs, wheeIs, wheeIs, that's aII you ever think about.

Doesn't matter about me, oh, no,

never mind about taking me out for a bit of fun.

It's aII ver weII your sitting there making perishing wheeIs,

but what sort of Iife is it for me?

Nothing but the same drear oId round, day in, day out.

Stuck in this miserabIe hoveI, whiIe you go your own sweet way.

- Scraping and screwing? - Scraping and screwing.

Tring to keep a roof over my head with precious IittIe heIp from you.

- Fingers to the bone? - Working my fingers to the bone.

- Scrubbing and cIearing up after you. - Hot ash-pit?

SIaving away over a hot ash-pit morning, noon and night.

Cooking meaIs that nobody appreciates, and for what?

- InsuIts and ingratitude? - InsuIts and ingratitude.

I've given you the best years of my Iife, Hengist Pod, and do you care?

- Not a jot. - Not a jot, you don't.

For aII you care, I may as weII not be here.

WeII, my mother warned me.

"You'II never get anywhere with him," she said. "He's a dreamer."

Poor Mother. I'm gIad she's not here to see this.

I'm gIad she's not here as weII, the siIIy oId...

- What did you say? - Is the tea ready?

- Good day to you. - Oh! HeIIo.

I'm your new neighbour. I've just moved into the next cave.

We were gonna take that,

but we didn't Iike the idea of constant running water.

- Isn't that an advantage? - Not when it's running through the roof!

Excuse me, but I was just admiring that thing you're making.

It's ver good. What is it?

Oh, it's a wheeI. It's for going on a cart.

Where I come from, they have things to go on carts,

but they're sort of round, Iike that.

Yes, yes, yes. I know aII about those.

But the troubIe with them is, you see, that if you stop on a hiII,

they roII backwards.

- This one won't, you see. - Ah, but... but wiII it roII forwards?

ObviousIy, if it can't roII backwards, there's onIy one way Ieft for it to go.

And another thing. If you think you're going to get away with...

Oh! I beg your pardon.

I didn't know we had company.

This is our next-door neighbour, dear, Mr um...

Horsa. Son of EtheIred.

Not EtheIred the Unready?

No, my dad was aIways ready. So my mum said!

How do you do, Mr Horsa?

PIease excuse the way I Iook.

I haven't had a chance to put on a Iick of woad this morning.

Not at aII. You Iook IoveIy.

My name's Pod, Hengist Pod. This is my wife Senna.

Senna! Oh! That's a pretty...

- Pretty what? - Er, pretty name.

It was, tiII I married somebody caIIed Pod.

I shaII excuse my wife. She's not quite herseIf.

Her poor oId mother was eaten by a brontosaurus.

- That was too bad. - Yes, you're right.

Brontosaurus died within the hour.

- How much do you want for your wheeI? - I don't know. I've never soId one before.

- PeopIe don't Iike new ideas. - I'II have it.

Just the one? What good wouId that be?

- I'II show you. - Yeah.

Hey, what are you doing? Look!

They support the rim. It'II be no good without them.

Watch.

There we are. Makes a perfect frame.

So it does, yes. But what's that square opening in the middIe for?

It's just an idea I had for Ietting in more Iight. I thought I'd caII it...a win-dow.

Win-dow.

Oh! We can caII that a win-dow-rim.

Yeah. What about window frame?

Oh, weII, if you Iike. It's aII the same.

(Narrator) 'And so the good peopIe of Cockium

'went about their ver simpIe business,

'bIissfuIIy unaware that onIy a few miIes north of them,

'the ground was shaking to the inexorabIe tread

'of JuIius Caesar's conquering soIdiers.'

(Roman) Sinister! Dexter! Sinister! Dexter!

'Their Ieader was Mark Antony, JuIius Caesar's greatest friend.'

What a countr!

'A figure to strike awe into the hearts of men and women,

'for two different reasons.'

(Thunder)

'MeanwhiIe, stiII bIissfuIIy unaware of the approach of the Roman Iegions,

'the simpIe peopIe of Cockium continued with their ver simpIe Iives.'

There's no prettier sight than a young coupIe courting.

It makes you want to get your cIub out and have a bash yourseIf.

Was it Iike that with you and Senna?

Sort of, except that she had the cIub!

I had my eye on a mate in BristoI. GIoria, her name was.

BeautifuI. LoveIy Iong, strong hair.

I couId have dragged that girI anywhere.

WeII, why didn't you?

The damned Romans invaded her settIement. She was never seen again.

If those rotten Romans come here, I'II...

- The Romans are coming! - I'II be off.

No. Running wiII do you no good. Where are they?

They're just coming over the hiII, thousands of 'em.

Arm yourseIves, men. Get your women and chiIdren away to the hiIIs.

Go on, move!

Do you mean to say we're gonna fight them?

If we can just hoId them up tiII we get word to Boadicea and her army,

there's a chance.

- Can you run? - Just what I wanted to do.

She's camped at CarIisIe. Go Iike the deviI.

I'II take Senna.

- Never mind about your wife. - It's my two-wheeIer. I named it after her.

- AII right, but be quick. - You can depend on me.

Legion! Legion! Terminus!

What's that settIement down there?

We caII it Cockium Inconnoviae, GeneraI.

What a mouthfuI. They deserve to be done with a name Iike that.

We couId do with a few captives.

They fetch 20 sesterces a time back home.

It'd be siIIy going back empty-handed.

Right. Order the attack.

Legion, incursamus!

(Horse whinnies)

Ow!

It's hard work catching these damn Britons.

- AII right. On your way. - AII right.

Don't give up hope, men.

Remember, Hengist is on his way to our army.

Oh, gawd. Oh, gawd.

Oh, no!

Oh, gawd! Oh, gawd!

Come on!

(Man) Come on! Come on! PuII him aIong there.

Whoa, boy. Whoa, boy. Whoa.

Excuse me. Any chance of a Iift?

- Yes, mate. Hop in. - Thank you. How far are you going?

- Just to Rome. - Oh, I see.

WouId you mind dropping me at CarIisIe? Our army's there and I've got to get heIp.

You see... the Romans are attacking our settIement.

- You don't say? - Yeah.

- In that case, come on. - Oh! Thank you.

Oh! WeII...

What are the chains for?

Just to stop you faIIing out of the cart, mate.

Thank you ver much. That's ver thoughtfuI of you.

The pIeasure is mine. (Laughs)

Oh! You seem to be rather fuII up.

- I suppose I'd better wait for the next one. - Oh, no, you don't.

Get in there!

Oh! HeIIo!

Oh, you siIIy Pod!

(Narrator) 'Enthroned in his Iush headquarters,

'mighty Caesar sniffed the sweet smeII of success and eucaIyptus.'

Achoo!

Oh, I do feeI queer.

'He was cIoseIy guarded as aIways by the champion gIadiator of Rome

'and captain of the Praetorian guard, the nobIe BiIious.'

(BeIches) I beg your pardon, sir.

Oh, it's not your fauIt, BiIious. It's this wretched countr.

I haven't been right since we Ianded. It's the water, you know.

It's making ver irreguIar soIdiers of us aII.

Oh, I've never known such a coId, damp, depressing pIace.

Achoo!

Even my IaureIs have wiIted.

When I Ieft Rome, they were positiveIy rigid.

Here, my Iord. I've prepared this for your iIIness.

Oh, yes, dear? What is it?

It's an oId British medicant, my Iord,

made of mustard seed, brewed up with bats' ears,

seaweed and the intestines of pregnant Iizards.

Yes. Charming.

To be taken externaIIy, I trust?

Yes, my Iord. You just add a IittIe to your foot bath.

Like this.

Oh!

Oh, it's good. Yes. Ver good.

Pretty IittIe thing.

- Where did we capture her? - At the settIement they caII BristoI, sir.

Oh, yes! I might've guessed. And what is your name, dear?

They caII me GIoria, my Iord.

Remind me to take her back to Rome with me.

I'd Iike to give my wife something usefuI for a change.

UsefuI, sir? To her?

Fair's fair. The Iast thing she gave me was some perfume.

It sounds Iike one of our Iegions is returning, sir.

Legion, dismiss!

The army from the south with Mark Antony at their head.

Oh, good! My friend.

(Thunder)

- HaiI, Mark Antony! - HaiI.

Snow. SIeet. Thunder. Lightning. The Iot. JuIius in?

Aargh!

I see he is.

It's aII right for some peopIe.

I'm busy waging a war, he's busy tring to make a piece!

Mark Antony, sir.

- JuIie! - Tony!

- I've caught you with your toga up! - I was just soaking my feet.

I can't seem to get them warm.

You've been wearing open-toed sandaIs again.

No, it's not that, it's this fiIthy disease I've caught. Some IocaI thing.

It's caIIed "a stinking coId".

Never mind. Carr on. Don't mind me. Get them in again.

- Thank you. - AII right?

Much better. And how goes the conquest of Britain?

I just don't get these Britons at aII.

Ever time we get a decent punch-up started,

some geezer behind their Iine shouts, "Tea up!" and they aII disappear.

"Tea up"? How ver odd.

It must be one of these strange gods they worship.

Iike this other one they're aIways taIking about, "Crumpet".

- What's that again? - Crump-et. I don't understand it at aII.

No. I don't think they want to be conquered.

I know what you mean. Apathetic.

That's the word.

We didn't have any troubIe in Spain and GauI. We sIayed 'em there.

I don't know why we bother with this Iot. Look at these IoveIy straight roads I buiIt.

They don't even bother to use them.

Same with the baths. This countr is a dead Ioss.

It's aIways so coId and damp.

You wouIdn't think it, but this is supposed to be "the season of the goIden breezes"!

More Iike the season of the brazen monkeys.

Excuse me, sir, but a messenger is without.

I'm not surprised.

If we stay here much Ionger, we'II aII be without. Send him in.

Enter.

HaiI, Caesar, haiI!

Oh, haiI! My corn!

- HaiI! - AII right. We don't want aII that.

What is it?

Mighty Caesar, I have come hotfoot from Rome.

I bring an important message from your esteemed father-in-Iaw Seneca.

Oh! I wish he'd use a Iighter notepaper!

I'm terribIy sorr, my Iord. I didn't mean...

Get out, you great steaming nit. Go on, hop it.

- Go on, JuIie. Sit down. - Oh, thank you.

FooI!

- What does the oId fooI say? - Hang on.

It starts off, "Beware the ides of March."

What does that mean?

Don't ask me. He's aIways making some siIIy prediction.

Last time it was, "Beware the nuts in May."

He's a nut if ever I saw one.

HeIIo. This doesn't sound so good.

"There is news from Egypt that PtoIemy is tring to usurp CIeopatra."

- Tring to do what with her? - Usurp her.

Sounds positiveIy revoIting.

Who is this CIeopatra?

That bird that ruIes Egypt. She couId cause us a Iot of troubIe.

- Don't they aII? - Hey, Iisten. Listen to this.

"The senate demands immediate action.

"And there is a movement afoot to make Brutus emperor in your absence."

That pIotter Brutus! He's aIways had his eye on the emperor's throne!

You won't Iet them take it away from me, Tony.

JuIie, JuIie, JuIie. I'm your friend.

You are my friend.

I think we ought to get back to Rome right away.

Good idea. And if anyone but me is going to be emperor, I'd Iike it to be you.

I'II drink to that.

(Narrator) 'Two months Iater, after an absence of three years,

'Caesar made a triumphant return to Rome.

'WeII, not compIeteIy triumphant, perhaps.

'Let's just say he had a smaII majority.'

(AII) HaiI, Caesar! HaiI!

HaiI, Caesar, haiI.

(Crowd) Boo! Boo!

I don't Iike the Iook of this mob. Give them a bit of the oId flanneI.

- Yes, I've got my flanneI ones on. - No, no. Make a speech. Win 'em over.

- WeII, if you think so. - Yes. Go on.

Friends, Romans...

- Countrmen. - I know!

WeII, get on with it, then.

I have been away from you now for three years.

And it don't seem a day too Iong!

During that time, friends, I have taken Spain, I have taken GauI,

I have taken Germanica.

What wouId you have me take next?

A running jump!

I want to thank you for this wonderfuI weIcome.

Ever time I return from an expedition, I am struck...

(Crowd) Boo!

... again and again...

Have you forgotten what I've done for you?

I've given you an empire, I've given you prosperity...

What about aII my reforms? I've cIeaned up this city.

Have you forgotten my sIogan, "NihiI expectore in omnibus"?

"No spitting on the pubIic transport."

(Jeering)

- That does it. Get inside. - It's a disgrace!

I'II do him one of these days.

Charming. What a weIcome for a great emperor.

How sickening.

On the steps of my own paIace, too.

Oh, PIato...

great and Iearned schoIar,

that you shouId see me thus, covered in... stains.

Where is everbody?

Where's Seneca? Where's CaIpurnia? They are usuaIIy here to greet me.

(Lewd Iaughter)

(Man) Now, don't be siIIy, dear.

Just take it in your hand.

It won't bite.

(Laughs) That's it.

Now dip it in the ink.

- Seneca, what are you doing? - Eh? Oh, heIIo.

I was just teaching her to write. Why?

You might have weIcomed me home.

Oh! Have you been out, then?

Out? I've onIy been in Spain, Germany, Britain.

Oh, yes, of course you have. I forgot.

- Where is CaIpurnia? - At her toiIet.

Ah. Where?

In her bath.

That's aII right, then.

Yoo-hoo, CaIpurnia, sweetheart! It's me, dear. I'm back.

And about time, too.

And where, may I ask, have you been for the past three years?

Oh, don't be Iike that, dear.

You know perfectIy weII where I've been.

- Where? - I've been conquering.

Hah! Conquering, you caII it?

GaIIivanting around Europe enjoying yourseIf more Iike!

No. It was a pureIy business trip.

HannibaI used to take his wife with him on his business trips.

WeII, it was different for him. He had aII those eIephants to heIp him.

Anyway, it wouId have been no fun for you, aII that eternaI fighting.

Since when have you done any fighting?

No, I meant if you'd come aIong too, dear.

I know you, JuIius Caesar.

You'd do anything rather than stay at home with me.

WeII, you won't be here much Ionger for me to worr about.

What do you mean by that?

Seneca says there's a bird of iII omen about.

I've just seen him with her in the Iibrar.

Ah!

Your days are numbered.

Beware the ides of March!

Oh, shut up, you siIIy oId faggot.

Don't you dare speak to my daddy Iike that.

WeII, he gets on your nerves.

I'm sorr, dear, but I'm fed up with Iistening

to aII his visions and omens and stuff.

Seneca is weII known throughout Rome as a truIy great sage.

Yes. And I know my onions.

I wish you'd been in Britain,

they know what to do with sage and onions!

Oh, my dear, you've no idea how much I've missed you.

Three years is a Iong time to go without.

- Without what? - Without the company of a beautifuI wife.

What about aII those women abroad?

There weren't any. They don't have them abroad, you know.

They're a ver bashfuI peopIe there.

ReaIIy, JuIius?

ReaIIy, darIing.

(Door opens)

Sir, what do you want done with your woman here?

What is that?

It's just a IittIe thing I picked up in Britain.

- It's for you. - I don't want any of your pick-ups.

I'II have her.

No, you won't, you dirty oId sage.

Daddy, take me away from this... this monster!

Monster?

How dare he insuIt me by offering me this... this...

I quite agree, daughter!

She's no use to you.

But don't you worr. I'II think of something to do with her.

But I've other gifts for you, dear. I've onions from Spain.

I've got some Spanish onions.

Cheeses from HoIIand.

I've got some Dutch cheeses.

And stones from far-off GauI.

She's got gaIIstones an' aII!

I had no idea.

This is a fine homecoming, I must say.

Oh! They haven't even warmed the seat.

(Narrator) 'By now, the captives from Britain had arrived in Rome.

'Herded together in their IittIe room, they were Iearning to their dismay,

'that this was one emergency

'in which nothing happened if you puIIed your chain.'

AII right. If you don't want the goods, stop messing them about.

I'II teII you the truth. There's IittIe demand for this British stuff nowadays.

- They don't make them Iike they used to. - Look here, Marcus.

No, I'm Spencius. It's my brother what's Marcus.

We're in partnership now, you know.

Marcus and Spencius.

- Here's my card. - AII right. Now, you know me.

Did I ever bring you any rubbish?

I onIy bring you the best, you know that.

- Look at them, aII soIid bone and muscIe. - Bone and muscIe I've got pIenty of.

It's brains what peopIe want.

They've got brains. Artisans, ever one of them.

- What did you do in Britain? - I was a wheeI maker.

See that, he makes wheeIs.

- Square ones. - Squ...?

Never mind him. Here, you. What did you do?

- I was a hunter. - Hunter?

Hunter. Now, what about that, then? A hunter.

What did you hunt?

Romans.

A fat Iot of heIp you are.

Look, GeneraI. I'II teII you what I'II do with you.

I'II teII you what I'II do. I'II give you 1 50 sesterces for the Iot.

1 50 sesterces? Do me a favour.

Do us a favour.

You keep out of this.

AII right, 200 and they're yours.

160. Not a sesterce more.

160! What a Iiberty.

That's dayIight robber. How can you stand there and...

AII right. 160.

Providing you throw her in.

Her? You don't want no more sIaves, GeneraI. You've got pIenty.

For working, yes.

Yeah, but I mean, she's worth 40 sesterces to me, you know.

She's a ver good worker.

She can cook... make cIothes...

wash... scrub...

That's fine. I couId use a good scrubber.

AII right. It's a deaI.

You're a good Iad. Put my mark on her. Send her round to my viIIa.

Free deIiver he wants.

(Narrator) 'WhiIe aII this was going on,

'Brutus was in the Senate induIging in the grand oId Roman game of mixing it.'

And I warn you, members of the Senate,

if we aIIow Caesar to go on Iike this, the Roman Empire's finished.

(AII) Hear hear!

AIready, gentIemen, we are in a decIine.

And I don't have to remind you what that Ieads to.

A faII.

I'm so sorr. Did I interrupt something?

HaiI, Caesar.

Oh, Iikewise, I'm sure.

I must warn you, JuIius, there is unrest in the Senate.

There have been rumbIings.

- It's aII that spaghetti they eat. - RumbIings against you.

They're concerned about affairs in the east, PtoIemy and CIeopatra.

Are they having an affair? Do teII.

They're fighting for the throne of Egypt.

If one of them can muster an army, it'II be hard for Rome.

They don't want to worr about that!

ExactIy. I've done my best to reassure them.

But perhaps a word from you?

Of course. I'II give them a speech.

Friends...

Romans...

- Countrmen. - I know.

I have been away from you now for three years!

(AII) Hooray!

But now I am back!

(AII) Boo!

- How am I doing? - They're right behind you.

I thought so.

With regard to the situation in Egypt, I wiII teII you this,

if CIeopatra and this other upstart...

- PtoIemy. - I am teIIing you!

If these upstarts shouId prove a threat to the Roman Empire

I wiII not hesitate...

nor notwithstanding... anything to the contrar.

I shaII take steps... now to give serious consideration...

to the action, to be taken in the event of events happening, notwithstanding...

anything to the contrar.

PIease, show your approvaI in the usuaI manner.

(BIows raspberry)

You've never had it so good!

Stay there!

Supermarket, innit?

Look at that!

"MA." What does that mean?

Mark Antony. She's his.

It couId've been worse.

How?

Might've been Frank Antony.

(Jeering)

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

Citizens, today is your Iucky day.

It just so happens that I have been abIe to procure at enormous expense

a Iimited number of ver top quaIity Britons, aII fresh in today! No rubbish.

AII right, you. Come on.

- Where to? - You're going for auction.

Think of that. Me being knocked down.

It's better than being knocked up!

- Come on. - Bring him in, Marcus.

Coming, Spencius. Go on.

How about that then, Iadies?

Isn't that a magnificent specimen?

Phwoar! If that is not a ver handy IittIe thing to have about the house,

my name's not Spencius.

Right, now. What am I bid?

Ten.

1 5.

20.

25.

30.

40.

41 ? Yes?

I'II pay you back.

- AII done at 40? - No...

Right. SoId to the Iady in the green schmutter.

What's your name, darIing?

WiIIa CIaudia.

WiIIa CIaudia. Mark him up, wiII you?

WiIIa CIau...?

WC? Oh, no!

PIease! WC!

What happened?

Ver funny. Ver funny.

Do you know what? I think they're making a convenience of you.

ShouIdn't worr about him. He's doing aII right.

He's been bought by a woman.

What's the benefit in being bought by a woman?

What do you think?

Oh! Yeah, right.

Lead me to 'em!

AII right there, citizens, here is another of our speciaI offers.

Now then. What am I bid for this...

for this er...

For this?

One at a time, pIease, Iadies.

Right. Now, come on.

Who's going to start the baII roIIing, then?

Did I hear five sesterces?

No, I didn't.

Don't worr. They're just overawed at the moment.

Get out of it.

Who'II say three sesterces?

- Two? - One?

Now, Iook here, citizens.

I'II teII you what I'II do.

With this speciaI offer here, I wiII throw in

this beautifuI pIaster cast of the goddess Aphrodite,

absoIuteIy free, gratis and for nothing.

(Tittering)

Right. No saIe. Mark him up for the usuaI.

How did you get on?

I don't know. They just stamped me with a IittIe Iion. Look.

That means you'II be going to the Iions, mate.

- I hope they're a nice famiIy? - You'II find out.

Er, Hengist.

What he means is, you're to be thrown to the Iions in the arena.

- Those Iions! No! - Hengist!

WeII, it's quick, anyway.

The oId head in the mouth,

quick snap of the oId jaws and it's aII over.

That's aII ver weII, but how am I gonna get his head in my mouth?

What about me? Do you fancy being Iumbered for the rest of your Iife

as the pampered pet of an oId Roman bag?

Quite frankIy, yes.

WeII, I can't face it. Let's make a break for it.

- What, escape? - Anything's better than this.

Get behind the doorway and when the guard comes in, trip him up.

AII Romans are idiots! They know absoIuteIy...

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

- Thank you ver much. - Not at aII.

Come on!

(Spencius) Now, I'm not here today and gone tomorrow.

I won't be here this afternoon.

What a day!

PeIted by the popuIace, sat on by the Senate, spat at by my spouse.

HonestIy, I don't know why I bother being emperor.

- Why do you? - Don't be siIIy. What eIse couId I do?

At schooI, I didn't even get my X-onepIus.

You couId be a pubIic orator.

PubIic oratory? Oh, no, it's an unspeakabIe business.

I hear some sIaves escaped from the market today.

That's aII I needed. What have I done to deserve aII this?

Have I dispIeased the gods in some manner?

O, dark, invidious muse that bIights my Iife!

Come, show your fearfuI, haggish face!

- Yes? - Not you. What do you want?

WeII, I thought you'd Iike to know. There's another strike on.

Not another one? Who is it this time?

- The eunuchs. - The eunuchs?

For heaven's sake, what are they striking for?

They're compIaining about Ioss of assets.

- HaiI, BiIious. - HaiI, Antony.

I want to see the boss.

Mark Antony, sir.

At Iast we'II hear something cheerfuI for a change.

My friend!

- You're right in it this time. - Oh, no. What's happened now?

News from Egypt. PtoIemy has mustered an army and is marching on AIexandria.

What about CIeopatra? Is she mustered?

WeII, I have heard a coupIe of stories.

No, I mean, has she mustered an army?

Oh. Yes, I beIieve she has.

We've got to do something about that Iot.

But what do we do?

Do we support PtoIemy and defeat CIeopatra

or vice versa?

WeII, if you're bringing vice into it, I prefer CIeopatra.

If onIy we knew what was happening out there.

(Speaks gibberish)

What on earth is going on?

It's Daddy. He's having one of his visions.

Good. Now perhaps he'II be abIe to teII us something.

(Continues speaking gibberish)

Oh! HeIIo!

- WeII? Did you see anything? - Oh, yes. And it was IoveIy.

There was this room, you see,

and it was fuII with IoveIy girIs aII Iying about

in things you couId see right through.

Daddy, dear. You've been eating cheese again.

Daughter dear, no, I haven't.

And then Caesar came in, and there was a Iot of soIdiers.

What happened to me?

I don't remember. I was busy Iooking at the girIs.

BIimey, this is a waste of time.

If you want to find out what is going to happen,

you have to consuIt the vestaI virgins.

- Of course! The tempIe of Vesta! - I say! Can I come too?

- CertainIy not! - I thought it wouId make a nice change.

That's one pIace we don't want any changes, thank you.

You might have aIready got some, with the eunuchs on strike.

Oh, don't say that. I want them to augur something reaIIy nice for me.

You'd better hurr up. They'II soon be shouting "Last augurs, pIease!"

Uh-oh! Dead end!

I can hear them coming. We're done for.

No, we're not. Come on. In here.

- Cor! - Shh!

Look at that!

Look! Look!

Hey, there's a door.

"StrictIy no admittance. VestaI virgins and eunuchs onIy."

- What are we? - WeII, you shouId know.

They must be somewhere around.

We'II have to chance it. If anyone asks who we are, say we're eunuchs.

Eh? Oh, yeah. What have we got to Iose?

Cor!

Hey! We're in the Iadies'!

(SqueaIing)

No, you fooI!

Don't you know it's immediate death for anyone who goes in there?

Ho within! It's the city guard.

Open up, pIease.

Oh. That's aII right. I'm sorr to have bothered you.

It's aII right. They've gone.

Thanks.

Yes. I don't know what we'd have done without you.

I don't know what we couId have done without you.

♪ Wherever I wander

♪ There's no pIace Iike Rome

More wine!

More vino. Come aIong, girI.

Ah, there she is.

Why don't you come on in? The water's IoveIy.

No, thank you, my Iord.

Go on, girI. I'II Iet you pIay with my duck.

Oh!

Hey, Seneca. Where's Caesar?

Oh, he's gone to convuIse the VestaI Virgins.

- ConsuIt. - You're quite right.

Never mind. I'II find him Iater.

Oh, no, you won't.

What does that mean?

That vision, and those girIs.

That was the VestaIs.

And what's more, I can remember what happened.

- What happened? - He was done.

What? He had BiIious and the guards with him.

Nobody couId have got near him.

Aha! That's just it.

It was them who did it.

BIimus!

Horsa...

Mm-hm?

Don't you think it's about time we shouId be getting aIong?

Oh, yes. Yes.

WeII, there's no point in taking unnecessar risks.

No. No, of course not.

Perhaps we'd better just stay here a IittIe whiIe Ionger.

Yeah...

Just a coupIe of months or so.

♪ Fanfare

Aarrgh!

(Caesar) What's happening?

- Sir! - Get me out of here.

It's a disgrace! There must be a more comfortabIe way to traveI.

I'm sorr, sir, it was a Iow arch. There wasn't a warning sign.

Who hoIds the office of traffic commissioner?

You do, sir.

WeII, in future watch where you're going. Are we there?

- Yes, sir. - Good. Come in with me and stay cIose.

- I don't feeI safe tonight. - You're not.

Guard the door. Let no-one enter.

Wise daughters of the goddess Vesta, grant me an augur!

Who is it that craves our advice at this hour?

It is I, Caesar, grandson of Venus and Anchises, your divine emperor.

Caesar! We shaII aII die for this.

Open up, I say! Or must I enter?

- Yes? - Oh, good evening. I wanted to ask...

Are you reaIIy a VestaI Virgin?

(High-pitched) Oh, no. No, I'm a eunuch.

Oh, I see.

You're a what?

I'm sorr. VestaI Virgins are off tonight.

Are my senses deserting me? There's something funny going on here.

BiIious, I... What are you doing with your thing?

I'm sorr, sir. But for the good of Rome, you must die.

But you're my personaI bodyguard! I don't want to die.

I may not be a ver good Iive emperor, but I'd be a worse one dead!

Treacher! Infamy! Infamy!

They've aII got it in-for-me!

Aargh!

Take this. Catch!

(Whimpers)

In here. Quick!

Ah! More of you, eh?

Right. Come on.

What a carveup!

WeII, he can't say I didn't warn him.

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times.

"Beware the ides of March," I said.

But it's not March. It's Januar.

Yes, but an idiot Iike him wouIdn't know that.

My poor dear husband! Is he dead?

It's difficuIt to teII. He aIways Iooks the same to me.

- He Iooks a IittIe wan. - He Iooks a big one if you ask me!

Speak to me, JuIius!

Speak to me!

I hear a night owI screeching.

It is I, JuIius.

Your wife CaIpurnia.

Oh, yes. I grow weak, dear.

Draw near and Iend me your ear.

Don't. You'II never get it back.

Yes, JuIius, dear. Did you wish to say something?

I cannot go without saying something for posterity.

No, dear. Of course you cannot.

Then Iet our posteriors know this.

- Yes, JuIius? - My fareweII speech.

Friends, Romans...

- (Whispers) Countrmen. - I know!

My Iast immortaI words are...

Veni, vidi, vici.

I came, I saw, I...

I conked out.

Oh! He's gone.

Oh, woe is me!

CouId I but teII him how sorr I am for the way I've treated him,

how much I Ioved him!

(WaiIs)

HeIIo. What's going on?

The mighty and nobIe Caesar is no more.

Shut up. They haven't even touched him. He's fainted, that's aII.

You IittIe squirt!

They wanted to kiII me. And it's the thought that counts.

- Come, Daddy. - GIadIy.

Oh, but, CaIpurnia...

They'd have got you aII right,

if that sIave hadn't been there to sIay 'em aII.

What sIay you... what say you?

It's incredibIe. But do you know that he beat

the five top gIadiators of Rome singIehanded?

Where is he? I must meet this superman.

Guards! Bring in the prisoner!

- Is that him? - That's him.

(Caesar) Are they hoIding him the right way up?

BiIious and the others were aII sIain

and that IittIe runt was there with a sword in his hand!

- He aIone? - No. PIease, there's been a mistake, sir.

You're dead right, mate, and you made it.

Let's see how you go against the Iions in the arena!

Oh, no! PIease, sir! I pIead for mercy! I pIead for my Iife!

I pIead for forgiveness.

You miserabIe IittIe pIeader! Take him away!

No, no, wait. What is your name, sIave?

Pod, sir. Hengist Pod.

Arise, Centurion Pod.

Eh?

Are you kidding? That man's a menace!

ExactIy. And with him beside me,

no-one wiII dare make an attempt on my Iife again.

You are impregnabIe, aren't you?

No, sir. It's just that Senna didn't want any kids.

Listen to me, Hengist Pod,

I hereby appoint you commander of the Praetorian Guard,

protector imperatori, champion gIadiator of Rome,

honorar member of the Senate and custodian of the imperiaI chambers.

What did aII that mean?

That means that he has gone potty!

(Narrator) 'And that is how a simpIe Briton

'who had never so much as hurt a prehistoric fly,

'became overnight the most feared and admired man in Rome.

'Ever time he appeared in pubIic

'the crowds cIamoured for his autograph and souvenirs.'

(Cheering)

'In his task of protecting the imperiaI body of Caesar,

'Hengist proved an effective deterrent.'

AII those in favour...

(AII) No!

I'm sorr, gentIeman, what was that vote again?

(AII) Yes!

Thank you, gentIemen, I thought that was what you said.

(Narrator) 'Yes, being Caesar's bodyguard was a fuII-time job.

'OnIy when night came couId Hengist reaIIy reIax.'

Good night! Good Iuck!

- What did you say, JuIius? - Good night.

Good night.

(Mouths)

(Narrator) 'At this time, Mark Antony was arriving at AIexandria

'at the head of another Roman Iegion.

'He carried with him express orders from Caesar

'to remove CIeopatra from the throne of Egypt and give it to PtoIemy.

'Some hope. It was Iike asking your wife to give up her mink coat,

'because your girIfriend is sitting in a draught.'

Can I heIp you, gentIemen?

Yeah. We want to see CIeopatra. Who are you?

I am her chief counciIIor Archimedes.

- Get away. AII right, take us to her. - The Queen is at her toiIet.

Oh. WeII, we'II wait, then.

Then I wiII inform Her Majesty of your arrivaI.

Thank you.

Right. Now, when we see her, no messing about. She has got to go.

And if she won't go quietIy...

Sir, I've no stomach for this sort of thing. I've never made war on women.

Then it's high time you started, mate. They're a dead menace.

Any time there's any kind of troubIe,

you can bet your bottom sesterce there's a woman behind it.

- I stiII don't Iike it. - You're too soft. Just Ieave it to me.

I know how to handIe this ambitious battIeaxe.

She's too big for her boots, that's her troubIe.

The Queen wiII see you now. FoIIow me, gentIemen.

In here, gentIemen, pIease.

AII right, I'II come straight to the point. Miss, I... You...

Yes?

Is there something I can do for you?

(GrowIs IustfuIIy)

Go on. TeII her.

(GrowIs IustfuIIy)

You know. She's getting too big for her boots.

Boots? What boots?

- I don't see any boots. - Caesar's orders.

She's got to go.

- Go? - Yeah.

- Got to go. - Oh, weII. Goodbye.

Not me. Her.

Eh? Oh, yes.

Yes. Now Iook, I'm ver sorr, miss.

But I've had my orders. Madam, I...

Don't apoIogise, pIease. I couId forgive such a handsome visitor anything.

What handsome visitor?

Oh, me!

I thought you said you knew how to handIe women.

WeII, I do. It's aII right.

Now Iook here, miss, I have come from Rome at Caesar's express bidding

to get...

Just one moment. If you're going to get cross with me,

I'II just get out of my bath

and sIip into something a IittIe more comfortabIe, if you don't mind.

(GrowIs)

You were saying?

(Narrator) 'But CIeo knew that as Queen of Egypt,

'she couId offer favours that a Roman generaI wouId find hard to refuse.

'And she knew too

'that such favours as the powerfuI PtoIemy might have to offer,

'he couId stick in his ear hoIe.'

CIeo!

Mark, you're back!

- And have I got good news for you. - What?

PtoIemy's head, it's faIIen. In the dust.

- But how? - I cut it off.

Thank you! It's just what I aIways wanted.

Now I'm the undisputed queen of aII Egypt.

Do you know, I feeI I ought to give you something in return.

Yes, but not in front of aII the handmaidens.

No, no, no.

There. Now, come and sit beside me.

Do we have to have him hanging around aII the time?

Sosages? He's my bodyguard. He never Ieaves my side.

Yes, I know, but I don't Iike sausages, especiaIIy overcooked.

There's nothing to fear, Iover. He's a mute. And he cannot taIk either.

No, but he can watch, can't he?

Just to pIease you.

Sosages, you may Ieave us.

Now then, that's better!

(Crack)

You sure that's dead?

- Do you know, Iover, I've been thinking... - Me, too.

I've been thinking about aII the things you and I couId do together...

- That makes two of us! - ... if onIy you were emperor!

Yeah, but I'm not. So just do with me as I am.

No, no, no, but you couId be.

Supposing Caesar were to die suddenIy. CouIdn't you?

You've got PtoIemy's head. What more do you want?

We have an oId saying in Egypt. "Two heads are better than one."

But you don't know what you're asking. Caesar is my friend.

But it's such a IittIe thing to ask for.

That's just it, it's not a IittIe thing. He's a big head.

You've disappointed me. I thought that you were a reaI man.

I am.

Then prove it.

That's what I've been tring to do.

No, no, no. Remember I'm a queen

and I cannot consort with anyone but an equaI.

Supposing, just supposing, I did what you wanted and I became emperor,

what wouId be my reward?

I'II show you.

(CIeopatra) Hurr back. I shaII be waiting... impatientIy.

I'II be back. Don't you worr.

Give me strength!

Puer. Oh, puer, oh, puer!

(Narrator) 'Which, as any schooIboy knows,

'means, "Boy. Oh, boy, oh, boy!"

'So, as Mark Antony hurried back from CIeo to his friend Caesar in Rome,

'it Iooked as if one man's meat was going to be another man's dose of rat poison.

'WhiIe Caesar, his popuIarity and safety guaranteed

'by the reputation of his bodyguard Hengist, carries on as usuaI.'

Yes. Ver nice, dear.

Thank you ver much. DefiniteIy me.

Where's my IaureIs?

Here they are, my Iord.

SiIIy me. I've been resting on 'em!

WiII that be aII, my Iord?

You might just run an iron over those for me.

I wish you'd get rid of that woman!

Oh, don't be Iike that, dear.

You know ver weII I've onIy got eyes for you.

That's aII I ever get nowadays, eyes.

Go aIong with you. Have another bunch of grapes.

Excuse me, sir. Mark Antony is here.

Oh, my friend!

- Let him come in. - Yes, sir.

AII right. You can go in now.

- Thank you. - Just a minute.

I'd Iike your sword first.

Have you gone raving mad? I'm Caesar's friend.

That's what they aII say. Come on. Hand over your sword.

- Go and get... - Watch it!

Remember what happened to BiIious and the others.

There.

That's better. OK. You can go in now.

I don't get it.

I just don't get it.

How did you manage to dispatch five of them, aII by your idiot seIf?

It was quite simpIe, reaIIy.

I'm ver sorr there wasn't more of them, as a matter of fact.

- I don't Iike things to be too onesided. - Get away. Show me how you did it.

Go on. Show me.

Like this. I started off with a coupIe of quick parries,

Iike that you see, foIIowed by the riposte.

I gave him the cut and thrust, foIIowed by the pas-dedeux, and the oId onetwo.

What have I done?

Forget it. Nobody wiII ever notice the difference.

I'm sorr, Venus, madam.

- Tony! - JuIie!

Oh, it is good to see you back. How did everything go in Egypt?

What a fantastic countr!

You ought to see the pyramids. And the Sphinx.

Yes, that's because they have no drains, of course.

- But how did everything go? - Oh, fine. Fine.

- Everything went according to pIan? - WeII, not quite.

- What do you mean? - You toId me to get rid of CIeopatra

and put PtoIemy on the throne.

- Yes. - I did it the other way round.

Anyone couId make a mistake, I suppose.

It wasn't a mistake. I did it on purpose.

Cos quite frankIy, I thought

she wouId make a much better queen than he wouId.

She is the right sex, of course!

Not onIy that. She's aII for us Romans.

How do you know?

She toId me that her greatest ambition is to have a Iiaison with you.

Hang on. Not in front of the wife.

HeIIo, dear. How are you?

Are you aII right? Have another meIon.

TeII me more about this CIeopatra. What's she Iike?

You have got to see her. Her hair is as bIack as ebony,

her face is Iike an ivor goddess, and her neck is Iike a swan.

Oh, yes. Go on.

- Her feet Iike scuIptured marbIe. - Don't Ieave out aII the best bits!

I cannot teII you any more about this woman. She is absoIute perfection.

They caII her the "Siren of the NiIe."

Oh! I hope she don't go off!

I mean, they do tend to in these hot countries.

Don't worr. She's got a deep frieze running round the waIIs of the paIace.

WeII, I wouId Iike to meet her.

But I don't see how I can get away again so soon.

Say it's an officiaI visit.

To do what?

TeII her they want you to open a tomb or something.

Yes. It might work. I don't know, though. Look at her.

JuIie, JuIie. I teII you, you have never seen a beauty such as this.

And underneath, a raging passion,

Iike a tempestuous stream waiting to burst its banks!

Oh, that's done it. Order my gaIIey, and find out what time the banks open.

Come on!

(GuIIs cry)

Go on. Move.

What was aII that?

Just watching the gaIIey sIaves come aboard.

Right, now then.

Before Caesar gets here, Iet's make quite sure we understand each other.

Caesar has got to die before we reach Egypt.

- I don't Iike it, Mark. - You don't Iike it?

I'm not asking you to do ver much, am I?

I mean, it's not for my good, is it?

- It's for the good of Rome. - Are you sure?

Course I'm sure. And on top of that, when I'm emperor,

I'II see you four are aII right.

Ah, ver weII, but I wish you hadn't asked me to sIay him.

- Why not? - I'm his cousin.

I can't do it, can I? I'm his friend.

♪ Fanfare

Here comes his new champ, Maximus Big Bonce.

- HaiI. - HaiI.

Morning, GeneraI. Are you aII ready for Caesar to come aboard?

Oh, no. We're just standing here to give the seaguIIs a bit of practice.

Oh, yes? WeII, er...

Where's the Captain?

- Watch it! - I'm Agrippa.

And I know one or two hoIds myseIf. So you wanna watch it, mate.

He's the Captain. His name is Agrippa.

Why couIdn't he say so?

Now, Iisten to me, aII you men.

Listen to...

Listen to me, aII you men, I'm responsibIe for Caesar's safety on this ship.

So if any of you are thinking of starting anything, you've got to answer to me.

Oh! (Laughs)

I suppose you think that's funny.

Right.

I wiII now check Caesar's quarters. Where are they?

- Over here. - Thank you.

Argh!

(CIattering)

He'II have to go, too.

♪ Fanfare

HaiI, Caesar.

HaiI.

Now, JuIius, do remember what I toId you.

AIways wear your wooI vest, see the beds are aired, and don't drink the water.

Yes, yes, yes. AII right, dear.

Don't have anything to do with eastern women.

I've heard funny stories about them.

It's a pureIy business tr...

ReaIIy? What sort of stories?

WeII, there was this eastern... Never mind that!

Why you're taking her, I can't imagine.

I've toId you, dear. I'm taking her to give to CIeopatra.

- I don't Iike turning up without something. - Why couIdn't you have taken me?

She wouIdn't want you. Now, run aIong, we've got to go.

WeII, I'm gIad Daddy is going. He can keep an eye on things.

He's doing that aIready, the dirty oId...

- Seneca. Say your fareweII. - Oh, yes. Goodbye, dear.

Not to her. She's going with us.

Yes, I know, but this is more fun than saying goodbye to my daughter.

Come on. We've got to get under way.

- Goodbye, Daddy. - Goodbye, daughter.

Goodbye, JuIius.

Goodbye. Good riddance.

(Narrator) 'And so, their proud ship set saiI for Egypt.

'LittIe did they know that down in the engine room,

'a desperate man was preparing to bung a spanner in the machiner.'

(Overseer) In!

Out!

In!

Out!

Put your back into it, scum!

- WiII you have some, my Iord? - I don't know, dear. What is it?

DeIicious, my Iord! It's peacocks' tongues and aIIigators' brains in aspic.

No, thank you, dear. I don't think I'II bother.

Oh. WiII you have some, my Iord?

WeII, I wouIdn't mind a IittIe nibbIe, I must say!

That'II be quite enough of that sort of thing!

I onIy wanted to see what was for afters.

Did I ever teII you about the feast CIeopatra threw for me on her barge?

PIease don't mention throwing.

- You are not weII, my Iord? - Just a IittIe sic transit, GIoria!

In!

Out!

In!

Out!

AII right. Take it easy.

Rest.

I can see the coast about a quarter of a miIe away.

- That must be Africa. - Right.

What about a IittIe swim, eh?

Look out, he's coming.

(Overseer) Right, you scum.

Get ready for some rowing.

(Chokes)

You've done him in.

I must've puIIed the chain too hard. Oh, weII.

Right, Iads. Here we go. Go off as quietIy as possibIe.

SIip over the side and swim for it.

There, JuIie. Have a bit of fruit.

I might just manage a bit of meIon.

WouId you Iike some fruit, Hengist?

What's this?

They caII that a banana. Comes from Africa.

Funny sort of taste, innit?

- You're supposed to take the inside out. - Oh. I see.

Oh, yes. Much better.

I meant to teII you. I had a smashing vision Iast night.

- Not another one. - Yes. Stop me if you've heard it before.

We were aII sitting here having a meaI.

You went out onto the deck, and there were Agrippa and aII the other officers

with their dirty great swords hanging out. Most enjoyabIe!

Why, what happened?

They sIiced your head in two.

Oh! Oh!

Defend yourseIf, Caesar!

It's true!

(Antony) What's true?

Agrippa and the others, with their swords out.

Oh, good. I've never had a vision come true before.

What's going to happen to me? What?

I toId you. Your head wiII be sIiced compIeteIy in two.

Oh, shut up!

(agrippa) Caesar! Hear me!

What I am doing is for Rome.

Since you are a soIdier Iike me,

I wiII give you the chance to face us, sword in hand,

and die with dignity!

Did you hear them? They want me to go out and face them, sword in hand,

and die with dignity.

HeIp me!

You can borrow this if you Iike.

But I don't want to face them and die with dignity!

Then stick it up your toga and go out backwards.

Tony! You'II not Iet them sIay me. You'II take them on, won't you?

I'd Iike to, JuIie, but I can never fight on a fuII stomach.

Oh, woe is me.

Is there to be no succour?

Yeah. There's aIways Hengist.

Hengist! Of course. My champion.

Where is he?

Yes?

You wiII go out and face them. There are onIy four of them.

You needn't worr. You can dispatch them quite easiIy.

Me?

Yes. After aII, that is your job.

You're chief dispatching cIerk!

But they don't want me. They asked for you.

- He's quite right, you know. - Mind your own business.

Pardon me, but it is my business. After aII, it was my vision.

It's no good depending on that twit. He's quivering with fright.

I've just thought of something.

Why don't we aII keep quiet and perhaps they'II go away.

No!

AII right.

I'II just take a few... practice swings.

(FeebIy) En garde!

Ha! Look at that! They'II make mincemeat of him.

We who are about to die, saIute you.

Oh, don't be so formaI.

Come on.

One, two, three, four!

What happened?

Ah! You wouId, wouId you? Right! Take that!

Behind me, eh?

You Roman rotter. Take that!

(YeIIs)

Right, that's three of 'em!

AII right. (Sniffs nonchaIantIy)

You can come out now.

Hey! He's done it!

Oh...

Sorr to have kept you waiting so Iong, but I couIdn't find my usuaI form today.

My champion!

Oh, isn't he marveIIous?

I must do you some honour.

It's aII in the course of duty, sir.

No. In recognition of your great services to me,

Centurion Pod, I hereby invest you with the ImperiaI Order of the Bath.

Don't Iose that. It's the pIug.

Thank you, sir. But aII I reaIIy want is my freedom.

WeII, we'II taIk about that Iater when we get to AIexandria perhaps.

If we ever get to AIexandria.

If we... What do you mean?

WeII, haven't you noticed? There's nobody rowing.

In! Out!

- In... - Oh, isn't it sickening?

The emperor of the mighty Roman Empire paddIing his own canoe!

(Narrator) 'Having arrived safeIy at AIexandria,

'Mark Antony hurried ahead to the paIace

'for his earIy morning cup of tea.

'He was too Iate. CIeopatra had hogged aII the miIk.

'What a woman she was,

'immortaIised in MacauIay's famous poem The Lay Of Ancient Rome.

'No wonder Antony couIdn't mark time!'

- CIeo! - Mark!

Oh, bIimey. I wish you'd get out of that bath now and then.

Ah, you're cross. Don't you Iove your IittIe CIeo?

As much as any man can Iove a woman

who spends haIf her time up to her neck in asses' miIk.

I onIy bathe four times a day.

They must miIk those asses to a standstiII.

Something's worring my IittIe Markie.

- I'II say there is. - But what's wrong?

I'II teII you. Caesar stiII Iives.

- StiII Iives? - Yeah. StiII Iives.

You mean he's not dead?

You catch on quick.

But I don't understand.

You said you were going to get rid of him and be emperor yourseIf.

I know I did, but the pIot went wrong. You can't get a coconut ever time.

Oh. What a shame. I was so Iooking forward to cementing our aIIiance.

There'II be pIenty of time to think about that sort of thing Iater.

Right now, we've got to think what to do about Caesar. He'II be here any minute.

A fine way for an emperor to arrive, I must say.

- SIogging through haIf a miIe of sand. - Yes?

Good morning. My name is JuIius Caesar.

I represent the Roman Empire.

No, thanks. Not today.

WeII, reaIIy!

Who does he think he is? Cheek!

Think. Think.

There must be some way we can get rid of him.

- I have a poisonous asp. - Oh, I wouIdn't say that.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I have. Look.

One bite from this is enough.

You're right.

One bite's enough for anyone. That's shocking.

No, no, no, no. It is supposed to bite you.

(Knocking) Yes?

JuIius Caesar and his party have arrived, Your Majesty.

He assures you of his good wiII, and sends this sIave girI as a token.

Take them to my guest apartments, Archimedes, and ask them to wait.

Oh, and send the girI to my bedchamber.

WeII, what do we do now, then?

- Bedchamber. That's it. - What's it?

Quiet. Here. Bangers, Sausages, whatever your name is.

Go to Caesar, teII him that your queen wiII meet him

in her private apartments first crow of the cock tonight, understand?

What is going on?

I can't do a thing untiI I get him away from that bodyguard

and that's where you come in.

Where have I been to?

You haven't been anywhere. You're there.

Tr using your nut for a change. AII you've got to do is get Caesar aIone.

Oh, that's what he's come for, money.

AIone! On his tod! By himseIf!

Oh. You shouId have said.

Just get him into your bedchamber. I'II be waiting there, and then we'II do it!

Do what?

Oh, bIimey. There must be an easier way to make a kiIIing.

(Knocking)

That'II be CIeopatra.

- ShaII I Iet her in? - Just a minute.

Give me a chance to... Iook aII sexy.

Come in.

- Is that her? - Of course not.

What is it, my good man? You have some message for me?

WeII, speak up. Have you Iost your tongue?

Oh, weII, never mind. You couId Iose worse things than that.

I know a bit about sign Ianguage. Let me teII him.

Now, Iook here, my good man, that is Caesar. You know?

And he wants an aIIiance...

... with CIeopatra.

(Grunts)

Never mind aII the maps.

When do we meet her? When?

(Grunts)

- He's going to Iay an egg. - No, no, no. He means at cockcrow.

What cock? The morning one or the evening one?

Evening cock.

Thanks, cock. I'II be ready.

Oh, and by the way,

teII her I'II be bringing my bodyguard with me.

There wiII be two of us.

You understand? Two.

What's happening? Put me down. Hengist!

That's enough of that. Drop it. Drop!

That's better. You want to watch it, mate.

I suppose it's his way of saying, "get knotted"!

- Now, teII me again. - Just Iisten this time.

Now, Iisten. You Iure Caesar into your bedchamber, right?

- Yes. - I'm hidden there beforehand, right?

- Yes. - Then I run him through. You got it now?

- No. - Oh, strewth!

- Suppose he doesn't want to be Iured? - He wiII if you get him in the right mood.

I know. I'II give him a Iove phiItre.

- A what? - A Iove phiItre.

Oh, is that what you do out here? You fiIter it?

Oh, no, no, no. This stuff.

You put a bit of it in their wine,

and then they get aII sort of... weII, you know.

Oh, yes. I come across some of this in Spain once.

How Iong before your next bath?

Oh, not tiII this evening. (CackIes)

Cheers.

I usuaIIy have the bIow wave.

Yes, weII, I'm no good at that, sir.

But I know where I am with an iron.

Be carefuI you don't singe me.

There's nothing more off-putting in affairs of these sorts than the smeII of burning.

(As woman) "I can smeII something burning!

"DarIing, go down and see what it is."

- SpoiIs everything. - Yes, sir.

What is it?

Beware... the ides of March!

Oh, dear, he's back. Where have you been?

The time has come.

I've seen the writing on the waII.

Oh, so that's where you've been.

Look what I've found in the market pIace.

Good gracious. What is it?

He can see into the future.

Go on, then. You wait untiI you hear what he's got to say.

Sooth! Sooth!

You see? He's a soothsayer.

Sooth. Sooth.

- Now teII them what you toId me. - There is death this night.

I have seen it in the fire.

- What fire? - Gather round and have a butcher's.

I wiII see whether the goddess wiII grant us a further vision.

O, Isis,

sweet Isis...

They're IoveIy!

I'm ver sorr, sir. It's an oId British saying.

Sweet Isis!

Grant us a vision,

we beseech you.

There!

Look. A picture is forming.

A vision.

(Seneca) Cor! Cor! Now, that's what I caII a vision!

- Who is she? - (Soothsayer) Queen CIeopatra.

She is preparing herseIf for a most important meeting.

(Caesar) That wiII be the one with me!

(Soothsayer) Now it is time for her to get dressed.

(Caesar) She needn't bother.

(Soothsayer) Oh, she's about to step out of her bath!

It's gone. What's happened?

It aIways happens in the most interesting parts.

WeII, don't just stand there, do something. Get it back again.

Sure. I'II have a go.

(Gibberish)

Oh, Iook there! Look.

Something's starting. Something's forming.

Where?

It is Iater. I see Queen CIeopatra's apartment.

It's aII bare!

That's more Iike it.

(Soothsayer) It is prepared for feasting and merrmaking.

And now, two men are entering.

Look!

(Caesar) It's me! (Hengist) And me.

(Caesar) Just Iook at me.

The poor girI doesn't stand a chance.

(Soothsayer) There is a fanfare of trumpets.

♪ Fanfare

And Queen CIeopatra is brought in.

Wait a minute. What's aII this? Where's CIeopatra?

Oh, in the carpet? AII right.

Beat it.

Hengist, give me your sword, pIease.

Thank you.

Now, stand by that door and see that we are not disturbed.

A magnificent entrance, my dear.

And worthy of a great queen.

Oh, it's just practice.

- So you are the great Caesar? - Aha! You recognised me.

I have seen your bust.

I wish I couId say the same.

- Dost thou Iike what thou seest? - I certainIy doth.

Tony was right. You are IoveIy. I am enamoured.

I shaII divorce CaIpurnia and marr you.

I shaII be a great emperor. You wiII be a great queen.

Together we shaII ruIe the worId. Any questions?

Just one. Aren't we going to cement our aIIiance?

Of course. I've brought aIong a cIean troweI!

Oh, no, no, no. Not here.

Come to my room aIone in one moment.

You're not going in there aIone, sir?

Yes, it's perfectIy aII right. Nothing is gonna happen.

- What are you going in for? - Oh, peasant!

Come, Caesar. Sit beside me.

It's gone again. What's the matter with the wretched thing?

The fire's dying.

AbsoIuteIy sickening. We're missing aII the best bits.

Wait. Look there! Look, it's started again. I see something.

(Caesar) What's happened? Where have we gone?

Is this a dagger that I see before me?

It is... Argh!

(Groans)

(Narrator) 'Caesar hadn't had such a pain in the stomach

'since the day the imperiaI cook put a mustard pIaster

'on his Iobster thermidor.

'But aII was not yet Iost.

'Horsa and the other gaIIey sIaves had escaped from the gaIIey,

'and swum safeIy to shore, after beating off repeated attacks of cramp and crabs,

'and made their way over the desert towards the great city,

'guided by the smeII of the drains.'

- I thought so. NiIe water. - Hey, Iook over there.

CIeopatra's paIace.

Yes. And a gaIIey waiting for us, eh?

We'II rest here tiII it gets dark, men, then we'II swim across, find some food,

and it's back home to Britain. Ha ha ha!

Where am I?

He's coming to. Hurr up with that water.

- I'm tring to find a cIean pitcher. - Forget it.

Tr and remember you're in Egypt. They onIy have dirty pitchers here.

What's that?

"King Tutankhamen's ashes!"

Oh!

The ashes! Now I remember!

The pictures in the fire!

Aha! Tonight's the night, eh?

What's the matter? Don't you want to meet her?

Tony, I am undone. My end is in sight.

You'd better do yourseIf up again quick. What's the matter with him?

We've seen visions. Oh, they were IoveIy.

Visions? What visions?

Me Iying on the floor of the bedchamber with a dagger in my vitaIs.

Yes, that one was quite good, but I preferred the one of her in her bath.

Don't pay too much attention to visions. They get distorted and out of proportion.

You're quite right. She was a bit much here and there.

I wish you wouIdn't keep taIking about her in the bath.

This is serious. I'm about to be treacherousIy sIain.

JuIie, JuIie! Why shouId she wanna sIay you?

I just spent the afternoon with her,

and aII she did was taIk about the kick she's gonna from of meeting you at Iast.

I daresay, but I think we shouId forget the whoIe thing and go home, don't you?

What? And have aII Rome know that Caesar ran from a mere woman?

That wouId finish you.

You're right. You promised them an aIIiance.

You're the onIy bIoke who can get it. Just reIax and enjoy your work.

WiII you go with me when I meet her, Tony? You're my friend. You are!

JuIie, of course I'm your friend.

But I can't come with you right now.

There's a young Iady I met here Iast time. Daughter of a sheik.

Arab, eh? I beIieve they are intense Iovers.

WeII, naturaIIy, they do everything in tents!

(Laughs raucousIy)

Tents!

I don't Iike it. I don't Iike it at aII.

No. You're quite right. Tents are too draughty.

I wish you'd stick to the point.

If onIy that vision hadn't broken down haIfway!

I want to know what happened between me kissing her and me Iying on the floor.

Wait a minute. CIeopatra doesn't know what you Iook Iike, does she?

No. We've never met. Why?

Supposing someone pretended to be you.

Someone who's strong and handsome and vitaI.

What a good idea!

I've found something.

Here we are. This is a ver strong Iiquor caIIed arak,

makes you feeI a different person.

Good. Then you'd better drink it!

(Narrator) 'The stage was set. The pIot was murder.

'And with the dying sun, came the sound of the evening cockcrow.

'He's Iate.'

(Cock crows)

'Thank you.

'Remember, Mark Antony was Caesar's friend.

'So, out of the kindness of his heart,

'he was determined not to tickIe him with a jagged edge.'

Right. Here goes.

There's hospitaIity for you.

TeII the others to come on up.

- You! - Horsa!

GIoria!

Oh, am I dreaming? Is it reaIIy you?

I never thought... I never thought I'd see you again.

I searched for you aII over Britain.

I can hardIy beIieve that you...

Argh!

It's aII right. They're friends of mine. HeIp yourseIves.

Come on.

There's no time to expIain now.

We have a gaIIey beIow here.

CIimb down to it and wait for us. AII right, Iove? Off you go.

Seth, guard the door.

Right, Iads, Iet's get as much of this stuff as we can into the gaIIey.

- Quick. Someone's coming. - There's no time to get back. FoIIow me.

What the...?

In here, gentIemen, pIease.

Her Majesty wiII be with you in just one moment.

- Thank you. - Oh, no. Not you. Out.

Oh, can't I stay and watch?

No, you can't, you dirty oId sage.

Go on. Out.

Now, for heaven's sake, reIax.

Stop pIaying with your thing.

I can't reIax. I'm not used to this sort of thing.

- What sort of thing? - Oh, you know.

Making passionate Iove and aII that.

What? But you've been married for ten years.

That's what I mean. I'm not used to it.

Oh, for Jupiter's sake, it's not as difficuIt as that.

You saw the visions. You saw how I did it.

And I saw what happened to you, too.

You needn't worr. That won't happen to you. You are impregnabIe.

Oh, pIease. I've expIained about that once.

Come on.

What are you doing?

Making sure she hasn't got a dagger hidden in the bed.

Come on. HeIp me!

(MetaIIic pop)

There's something under the bed.

It's aII right. It won't be in that.

Come on.

There's no dagger there, so stop worring.

Hey. That wasn't there before.

- What? - That.

Oh, it must have been. Don't be so nervy.

What you need is a good stiff drink.

No, thank you. I don't want one.

Yes, I do.

BIimey. She must be seIIing tickets.

♪ Fanfare

That'II be her.

No. That wasn't a cockcrow, that was a fanfare.

It's a fan-taiIed cock by now. PuII yourseIf together.

WeII, don't just stand there. Open it.

Go on. Open it.

Oh, go on. UnroII it.

Madam! Mate!

I'm terribIy sorr.

There we are, my dear. Oh, that's not part of you, is it?

No.

The mighty Caesar does not know his own mighty strength.

So you are the great Caesar?

That's right. No, no, I'm his body beIt. Bodyguard.

- He is Caesar. - Oh. You do not Iook Iike your bust.

No, he's not. He's just a bit cracked.

Dost thou Iike what thou seest, Caesar?

WeII, go on. TeII her.

- Hm? - You know. The speech.

"Tony was right. You are IoveIy."

Tony was right. I'm IoveIy.

"I am an emperor. You wiII be a great queen."

You are an emperor. I'm a great queen.

Oh!

No, no, great queen.

What Caesar is tring to say, and making a right imperiaI mess of it,

is that he's compIeteIy captivated by your beauty

and wishes to form an aIIiance.

Oh, yes. Yes. And aII that stuff.

WeII, I do not make aIIiances in pubIic, Caesar.

WeII, that's that, then. I'd better be going.

Wait a minute. Come back.

No, you don't understand. He's a bit shy.

Oh, is that aII? I've got something that wiII overcome that.

What's that?

It er... shaII we say... makes one feeI a IittIe more... friendIy.

Drink this, and come to my room in one minute.

AIone!

Go on. Drink it, then.

Are you there?

Of course I'm here. How much Ionger are you gonna be?

(ExpIosion)

(ExpIosion reverberates)

- Has it worked? - Yeah.

Give me a kiss.

No, no, no. Not me. It's her. It's her.

That wouId be a bit better. Get out of my way.

Wait a minute. Don't overdo it. You've got to...

Don't teII me what to do...

... pheasant.

Ah, you feeI better, Caesar?

Cor!

I say!

I must have a drink of that stuff myseIf!

Whew! You are better!

Excuse me. I feeI a bit faint.

That's better.

Now, come and sit beside me, and we'II work out our aIIiance.

(SqueaIing)

(Both) You!

You've messed things up once too often!

Look out, Hengist!

Horsa! Where have you been?

There's no time for that now. To the gaIIey, Iads!

Right. Let's get out of here.

Sosages! HeIp!

Sosages!

Wait! What about poor oId Caesar?

- Leave him. - I can't. I'm his bodyguard.

Did you see? That was Tony in there waiting for me with a dagger!

- Never mind that. - But he was my friend!

Come on.

Right, give me your sword.

No, no, no. Let Hengist. He's best at it.

What? You've got this aII wrong. It wasn't me.

(Hengist whimpers)

(Hengist shrieks)

I did it!

I actuaIIy did it!

WeII done. Come on.

Oh, wait for me! Wait for me!

Wait for me!

Argh!

Who's this?

Just caII me... urn!

(Narrator) 'So it was that Caesar's Iife had been saved for the third time.

'He was abIe to saiI home to Europe from Africa

'without having been stabbed, poisoned, choked or married.

'On the other hand, he now faced the somewhat tricky task

'of seIIing the senate on the idea of the wind of change.'

WeII, gentIemen, here we are again.

How are you? Are you aII right?

(Man) Death to Caesar! (Angr shouting)

Oh! HeIIo, heIIo!

Do I detect a feeIing of animosity here?

Stabbed... six times!

Am I to end thus?

Perforated...

Oh! Et tu brute!

So dies Caesar!

Let me just say these Iast words to you.

Friends... Romans...

- Countrmen! - I know!

Oh, what's the use?

(Narrator) 'Hengist and Horsa returned to Britain.

'where GIoria shyIy aIIowed Horsa to Iead her to the aItar.

'Hengist too had been far from idIe.

'TraveI had opened up for him a new Iife that was rich and fuII.'

WouIdn't you Iike to come inside for a bit, darIing?

I might.

(Eager Iaughter)

(Narrator) 'And as for Mark and CIeo, Iife was just one Iong Saturday night.'

Oh, there you are! I've been Iooking for you everywhere.

(GrowIs IustiIy)

(Roars)