Original subtitles

All right, Cate, just push send.

What's the big deal?

- What's going on? - Aah!

What?! Oh, come on.

Don't do that to me!

Don't do that to me! My heart's beating like a rabbit.

Ohh. I thought you were outside trying out your skateboard

with the rest of the middle-aged men.

I was, but, uh, I decided to come in for a minute.

Why? Don't you like your skateboard?

Yeah, I like it fine. It's just, uh, you know,

I thought I'd come in for a second.

Well, you do live here,

so you have every right to just come on inside.

Yeah, yeah, just wanted to...

Ha, ha, who's Matt?!

C.J.

Well, you practically forced me to look at the screen.

Oh! He's just this boyfriend I had in college.

I looked him up on the Internet and, you know,

I wanted to say hello.

Whoo, you old dog, digging up the old bones.

Nice!

Thank you.

Yeah, so, uh, why don't you push send?

Oh, he probably won't even remember me.

Hmm, senile?

Hey, guys. What's going on?

Mom's hooking up with an old boyfriend.

- What? - What?

It's not exactly hooking up, I'm e-mailing.

And I don't even think I'm gonna do that.

No, come on, you got to do it. Live on the edge.

Oh, no, mom's never been on the edge.

Oh, I've been on the edge. Trust me.

Especially with Matt -- he was part of my dangerous phase.

You had a dangerous phase?

Must have been before she started keeping

the snakebite kit in her purse.

Who'll be laughing when you need one?

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

Grandpa, did mom ever have a dangerous phase?

Are you kidding me? She was hell on wheels...

Right up to the summer when she got bit by the snake.

That slowed her down.

Did, uh, grandpa know Matt?

Matt Walsh? That crazy, long-haired lowlife?

I should have shot him when I had the chance.

I believe grandpa knows the man.

I thought I told you to stay away from that hooligan.

Well, it was just an e-mail,

but if it's gonna cause such an uproar, just forget about Matt.

It's done, over, never to be resurrected again.

I wonder if he'll write back?

I am gonna kill kerry and Bridget.

They were supposed to be here an hour ago.

You know, Cate, I don't mind helping you, but I got plans.

You know, I didn't commit to this bake sale, they did.

Well, I know I didn't. And I got to go.

Me and some of the other substitute teachers are going out for a drink.

Tonight?

Yeah, we go to this bar where the real teachers go.

But some of them can't make it, so we're filling in.

Well, how am I supposed to do this all by myself?

You'll figure out a way. You always do.

Hey, Cate, are you busy?

A little.

Well, I was hoping you could sew a button on my flannel shirt.

Well, do you have to have it tonight?

Yes, it's the one I wear when I watch the lumberjack competition.

Can you wear something else?

No.

Can you watch something else?

You never really approved of logrolling, did you, Cate?

- Mom, I need you! - What?

This project's due tomorrow. My geyser's only sputtering.

Hmm, I know that feeling.

You know, Rory, you shouldn't have waited so long.

Cate, the button?

Ooh, cookies!

Cookies? Where have you girls been?

- It was kerry's fault. - My fault?

Yeah, you were supposed to pick me up.

You weren't there on time.

I have a broken leg.

You were making out with Jack harrington by the fountain.

With a broken leg.

Wait a minute.

Is this why I've been baking cookies

by myself for the last hour?

No. We went to the mall.

- What?! - I have a broken leg!

Mom, it's not working. I'm gonna fail!

Cate, the boy needs your help.

You made chocolate chip. We committed to butterscotch.

Yeah, and these are kind of burned.

If you're tied up with this cookie thing, can I borrow the car?

Cate, I got the button and the shirt right here.

Want, want, want! Need, need, need!

Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!

Help! Help!

Button, lumberjack! Button, lumberjack!

Why don't I have a girlfriend?

I quit!

- What? - Bake your own cookies.

I am not a baker or a seamstress or a scientist.

I'm taking the night off.

Well, what about dinner? I'm sorry. I just love dinner.

You can all fend for yourselves.

That's right.

Teach them a lesson. Toughen them up a little bit.

There is a fridge full of food

because C.J. was kind enough to go to the market for me.

Was that today?

Oh, look, a fire.

You knock.

- No! No, you knock. - No, you!

Oh, I'm not knocking.

I can't hear you, but I know you're out there.

And it's harshing my mellow, so leave!

Mom, please come out.

Yeah, Rory needs to talk to you. He thinks he's gay.

Super gay.

Wait, we agreed kerry was gonna be the gay one.

Kids, I spent 41 years married to your grandmother

and 39 of them I spent outside a door just like this one.

She's not budging.

Maybe grandma had other reasons.

Cate: All right, listen up.

You're about to hear the most powerful words

you've ever heard come out of my mouth.

Do not disturb!

Let's go.

Aaah! Oh!

Catey, it's me -- Matt Walsh.

Matt?

Open the window!

Oh, my -- oh, my god! What are you doing here?

I got your e-mail.

Well, why didn't you call?

I thought this would be more fun.

Gee, you look great!

Oh, well, yeah, so do you. I mean, what I can see.

Y-you know, Matt, we have a front door.

But you said your dad lived here.

I thought climbing the drainpipe would be safer.

I-I can't believe this. Well, come on in.

No, I want you to come out.

I want to give you a ride on my motorcycle.

- Now? - Yeah.

- I can't. - Why not?

- That's crazy. - Exactly.

Let's be crazy like we used to be.

Matt, that was like 1,000 years ago.

What happened to wild catey?

I haven't changed, have you?

You don't come out, I'm letting go.

5, 4, 3, 2...

How you doing?

Oh, incredible! Plus, my nails are drying!

Oh, my god, the purple haze!

It's exactly the same as it was in college!

Catey, shh. We're off the bike.

Oh, sorry. Oh.

Oh, a bug?

Boy, how many nights did we spend here?

Oh, a lot more than we spent in the library.

There was a library?

Oh, my god, it's Nixon.

You think it's still there?

Impossible.

Oh.

The gum I took out of my mouth right before our first kiss.

I'll never forget that kiss.

For years, I got turned on whenever I saw Nixon.

What are you drinking?

Please, these days?

I brought your favorite tea, sweetheart.

Please come out.

I'm serious, sweetie.

C.J.'s cooking pork, and I'm afraid for the children.

Two tequilas.

Oh, god.

You better get your I.D. Out, catey.

I'm serious. You look great.

Oh. I feel like I'm dreaming.

An hour ago, I was wearing fuzzy slippers,

listening to Mozart, and reading about elbow softeners.

But you'd rather be here?

I'd rather live here.

To Nixon.

Okay.

Oh, warm!

Two more!

Oh, yeah, that's great,

'cause I don't think driving a motorcycle through the snow

is quite dangerous enough.

We'll be fine. We'll eat something.

Two double cheeseburgers.

With onion rings.

And anything else you can fry.

So you really haven't changed, have you?

Well, I did. I changed back.

What do you mean?

Well, I did the corporate thing.

You know, I sold roofing systems.

Who are we kidding? There's no system, it's a roof.

I hated it.

Did you ever get married?

I had a marriage system.

So what are you doing now?

Having a drink with a beautiful girl.

Aw.

You're not...

On some most-wanted list, are you?

No!

I made a little money in the market.

Now all I need is my bike, my laptop, and some open road.

Oh, I want your life.

I'm a single mom.

I cook, I clean, I do bake sales.

They depend on you for everything, huh?

Yeah, that's right.

Right now, they're probably eating

Bologna sandwiches on moldy bread.

I think this proves that we can give your mother a night off

and still have a nice dinner together.

May I present C.J.'s swine surprise?

- Oh! - Rory: Ugh.

Oh, it smells disgusting!

It was more sanitary when it was alive!

- Hey! - Are those marshmallows?

- C.J., it's still pink. - That's the grape jelly.

Oh, mom, please come down here! We're sorry!

He's trying to kill us!

You know what?

I work all day and I try to do something nice for you guys,

something a little special.

I gave up a night of substitute drinking

and this is the thanks, the attitude, I get?!

I will never -- oh, and I mean never --

cook for this bunch again!

Oh!

I'm ordering a pizza.

Oh, please, order one.

If you order any pork products on that pizza,

I will consider it a slap across my face!

You look happy.

I don't know if I can take any more excitement.

What a night -- Tequila, red meat.

This guy, he called me "miss."

You want to kiss the gargoyle?

You know, Matt, I may be a little out of touch,

but if that's some kind of drug or sexual reference,

I'm not interested.

How could you forget about kissing the gargoyle?

There it is, right out here.

Come on, let's climb over and make a wish.

Oh, I'm not going down there. It's like a 200-foot drop!

Besides, I have a cheeseburger and a piece of mud pie in me.

Come on, nobody falls!

40 kids in 100 years. That's not bad.

Come on!

But it looks so dangerous.

I-it's just so crazy.

Catey eagan, get out here.

All right. All right, fine, i-I'm coming.

- Here I come. - That's the catey I remember.

Whoo, ho! I'm out here. I did it.

Gee, I didn't do this when I was 20.

And they said that I didn't have a dangerous side, ha!

Well, here I am, literally on the edge.

Whoa!

Here's my phone. I want a picture of this.

Okay. All right.

Oh, that'll be great. That's gonna be great.

Okay.

Ah, I don't know if the picture's so good.

Don't you want to know my wish?

Tell me.

I wish you'd run away with me.

- What? - Tonight, right now, yesterday.

Well, where would we go?

Wyoming, where we always said we'd go!

Oh, and open a water bed store and write bluegrass songs.

And live on love and free-range chicken.

Together: ♪ livin' on love and free-range chicken ♪

♪ hangin' together through thin and thicken ♪

You remember the song!

We were good.

Oh, wouldn't that be great, Matt?

Living free forever like that. What a fantasy.

It doesn't have to be a fantasy. Let's do it!

Oh, come on.

Come on. I'm serious! Let's run away tonight.

- No, no, no. - Say yes!

No, no, no, I'm not running away with you.

Why not? There's nothing between us and total freedom!

D-don't answer that.

Hello?

Well, this is Cate hennessy. Who's this?

It's your wife.

You said you left her.

- I did. - When?

This afternoon, when I got your e-mail.

Woman: Matthew? Matthew!

You left your wife for me? Based on what?

- Your e-mail. - "Dear Matt, how's you life?"

I read between the lines!

There were no lines!

Here, now you tell her that you're coming home.

I'm not going back. It's you and me now.

Oh, no, no, no. Matt, you have lost your mind.

Catey, you say you'll run away with me, or I'm letting go!

Oh, stop it!

5, 4, 3 --

Matthew Walsh, get off the gargoyle!

Come on.

♪ Livin' on love and free-range chicken ♪

Forget it. We are not going to Wyoming.

We are not opening a water bed store.

And we're definitely not writing bluegrass songs.

But you said your life wasn't exciting.

That doesn't mean I want to leave it!

I have responsibilities and a family that worships me.

I say let her rot.

All this because we were late? We're late all the time.

And I always do my homework last minute

and she always helps me.

Boy, if you were my kids and this was around 1955,

I'd be beating you right now.

- What? - That's right, with a switch.

And he'd make you go out back behind the barn

and cut it yourself.

What barn?

Yeah, the '50s, everyone had a barn.

Just listen to you.

I mean, you took your mother for granted

and sometimes, so do I, but it's wrong.

She takes damned good care of us.

We're hungry, there's food.

If you're hurt, she makes you feel better.

And if there's a mess, she cleans up.

- We clean up. - Oh?

Hey, your mother's up in that room for one night.

I wouldn't blame her if she's up there for a month.

So get off your butts, clean up the mess,

and think about what I just said.

Not you, C.J. you keep sewing.

How you doing?

My foot's a little cold.

Wish my loafer hadn't fallen off.

This isn't going at all like I'd planned.

What were you thinking?

I don't know.

Married Betsy right out of college.

- Betsy monahan? - Yeah.

- That was her on the phone? - Uh-huh.

Oh, she didn't like me back then.

This isn't gonna help.

And now the kids are grown and out of the house.

- You have kids? - A lot of them.

I'm about to be a grandfather.

I wonder if that has anything to do with all this?

You know, all night long, you sounded like such a rebel,

such a "born to be wild" man.

Sure sounded good.

What about the motorcycle?

Technically, I'm still out on a test-ride.

I drive a korean hatchback I can't even pronounce.

Six cylinder?

Four.

What about the investments and the markets?

I'm senior vice president of ever-dry roofing systems.

We did this bell tower.

That's Betsy.

That's one hell of a cellphone.

I'm sorry, catey.

This whole evening's been a disaster.

Oh, are you kidding? This is exactly what I needed.

Riding on the back of that motorcycle,

I felt like I was 20 years old and could ride forever.

- Well, then let's go! - Oh, don't start.

Oh, I know.

I guess I was a pile of dynamite waiting to go off

when you came along.

Believe me,

there's plenty of times I want to just Chuck it all.

You know what stops me?

My kids.

I think about how great they are...

And how awful they are...

And how great they are.

And I don't want to change a thing.

Want to fool around a little bit?

Let's get you home, gramps.

Okay.

Please don't call me that.

Okay.

Rory: Mom? Mom, please come out.

Kerry: Mom, we know you're mad

and you have every right to be.

Mom, we know how lucky we are to have you.

Please come out, so we can tell you that face-to-face.

So you can see the tears.

Jim: Catey, it's dad. Come on out.

The lumberjack competition is over,

but I have it on tape if you're interested.

Or we can watch what you want.

Uh, aunt Cate, it's your nephew...

C.J.

Listen, I walked a mile in your shoes tonight,

and I learned something.

You know, taking care of this family

is the hardest job of all.

By the way, I broke a heel.

And I wanted to tell you how much I appreciate

everything you do for me.

Sure, I have to share a room with gramps here,

and I don't get to use the car as much as I'd like --

she gets the point.

Mom, this is the last thing we're gonna say

and then we'll leave you alone.

It's just weird when you're this mad at us.

It feels like a piece of us is missing.

Forget it, she's not budging.

She can be such a witch!

Let's just go.

Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, mom, we are so sorry.

Look, it's okay. I'm better now.

Well, Cate, we had a little talk tonight

about everybody helping out more

and I think they got the message.

He threatened to beat us.

Thanks, dad, I appreciate it.

Hey, if you're hungry, you're in luck.

I happen to have a boatload of marshmallow pork left.

It's gonna spoil.

Again.

That's all right. I already ate.

When? You were up here all night.

Listening to your old-people music and taking a nap before bed.

Actually, um, I wasn't up here all night.

What do you mean?

You remember that guy on the Internet?

My old boyfriend? Well, he showed up.

He whisked me out the window, we jumped on his motorcycle,

went to this little club called the purple haze.

I had a double cheeseburger, did Tequila shots.

We broke into the bell tower, climbed up to the top,

and I talked him down out of a nervous breakdown.

Um...mom, hear us.

We love you -- dull, boring you.

You don't have to make up these stories.

Come on, mom, come taste the cookies we made.

Okay, I'll be right there.

All right.