All language subtitles for 8.Simple.Rules.S03E15.720p.x265-ZMNT

All right, Cate,
just push send.

What's the big deal?

- What's going on?
- Aah!

What?!
Oh, come on.

Don't do that to me!

Don't do that to me! My heart's
beating like a rabbit.

Ohh. I thought you were outside
trying out your skateboard

with the rest of
the middle-aged men.

I was, but, uh, I decided
to come in for a minute.

Why? Don't you like
your skateboard?

Yeah, I like it fine.
It's just, uh, you know,

I thought I'd come in
for a second.

Well, you do live here,

so you have every right
to just come on inside.

Yeah, yeah,
just wanted to...

Ha, ha, who's Matt?!

C.J.

Well, you practically forced me
to look at the screen.

Oh! He's just this boyfriend
I had in college.

I looked him up
on the Internet and, you know,

I wanted to say hello.

Whoo, you old dog,
digging up the old bones.

Nice!

Thank you.

Yeah, so, uh,
why don't you push send?

Oh, he probably won't
even remember me.

Hmm, senile?

Hey, guys.
What's going on?

Mom's hooking up
with an old boyfriend.

- What?
- What?

It's not exactly hooking up,
I'm e-mailing.

And I don't even think
I'm gonna do that.

No, come on, you got to do it.
Live on the edge.

Oh, no, mom's never been
on the edge.

Oh, I've been on the edge.
Trust me.

Especially with Matt -- he was
part of my dangerous phase.

You had a dangerous phase?

Must have been before
she started keeping

the snakebite kit
in her purse.

Who'll be laughing
when you need one?

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

Grandpa, did mom ever have
a dangerous phase?

Are you kidding me?
She was hell on wheels...

Right up to the summer
when she got bit by the snake.

That slowed her down.

Did, uh,
grandpa know Matt?

Matt Walsh?
That crazy, long-haired lowlife?

I should have shot him
when I had the chance.

I believe grandpa
knows the man.

I thought I told you
to stay away from that hooligan.

Well, it was just an e-mail,

but if it's gonna cause such an
uproar, just forget about Matt.

It's done, over, never to be
resurrected again.

I wonder if he'll write back?

I am gonna kill kerry
and Bridget.

They were supposed to be here
an hour ago.

You know, Cate, I don't mind
helping you, but I got plans.

You know, I didn't commit
to this bake sale, they did.

Well, I know I didn't.
And I got to go.

Me and some of the other substitute
teachers are going out for a drink.

Tonight?

Yeah, we go to this bar
where the real teachers go.

But some of them can't make it,
so we're filling in.

Well, how am I supposed
to do this all by myself?

You'll figure out a way.
You always do.

Hey, Cate, are you busy?

A little.

Well, I was hoping you could sew
a button on my flannel shirt.

Well, do you have
to have it tonight?

Yes, it's the one I wear when I
watch the lumberjack competition.

Can you wear something else?

No.

Can you
watch something else?

You never really approved
of logrolling, did you, Cate?

- Mom, I need you!
- What?

This project's due tomorrow.
My geyser's only sputtering.

Hmm, I know that feeling.

You know, Rory, you shouldn't
have waited so long.

Cate, the button?

Ooh, cookies!

Cookies?
Where have you girls been?

- It was kerry's fault.
- My fault?

Yeah, you were supposed
to pick me up.

You weren't there on time.

I have a broken leg.

You were making out with
Jack harrington by the fountain.

With a broken leg.

Wait a minute.

Is this why
I've been baking cookies

by myself
for the last hour?

No.
We went to the mall.

- What?!
- I have a broken leg!

Mom, it's not working.
I'm gonna fail!

Cate, the boy
needs your help.

You made chocolate chip.
We committed to butterscotch.

Yeah, and these
are kind of burned.

If you're tied up with this cookie
thing, can I borrow the car?

Cate, I got the button
and the shirt right here.

Want, want, want!
Need, need, need!

Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!

Help! Help!

Button, lumberjack!
Button, lumberjack!

Why don't I have a girlfriend?

I quit!

- What?
- Bake your own cookies.

I am not a baker or a seamstress
or a scientist.

I'm taking the night off.

Well, what about dinner?
I'm sorry. I just love dinner.

You can all fend
for yourselves.

That's right.

Teach them a lesson.
Toughen them up a little bit.

There is a fridge
full of food

because C.J. was kind enough
to go to the market for me.

Was that today?

Oh, look, a fire.

You knock.

- No! No, you knock.
- No, you!

Oh, I'm not knocking.

I can't hear you,
but I know you're out there.

And it's harshing my mellow,
so leave!

Mom, please come out.

Yeah, Rory needs to talk to you.
He thinks he's gay.

Super gay.

Wait, we agreed kerry
was gonna be the gay one.

Kids, I spent 41 years
married to your grandmother

and 39 of them I spent outside
a door just like this one.

She's not budging.

Maybe grandma
had other reasons.

Cate: All right, listen up.

You're about to hear
the most powerful words

you've ever heard
come out of my mouth.

Do not disturb!

Let's go.

Aaah! Oh!

Catey, it's me --
Matt Walsh.

Matt?

Open the window!

Oh, my -- oh, my god!
What are you doing here?

I got your e-mail.

Well, why didn't you call?

I thought this would be
more fun.

Gee, you look great!

Oh, well, yeah, so do you.
I mean, what I can see.

Y-you know, Matt,
we have a front door.

But you said your dad
lived here.

I thought climbing the drainpipe
would be safer.

I-I can't believe this.
Well, come on in.

No, I want you to come out.

I want to give you a ride
on my motorcycle.

- Now?
- Yeah.

- I can't.
- Why not?

- That's crazy.
- Exactly.

Let's be crazy
like we used to be.

Matt, that was
like 1,000 years ago.

What happened to wild catey?

I haven't changed,
have you?

You don't come out,
I'm letting go.

5, 4, 3, 2...

How you doing?

Oh, incredible!
Plus, my nails are drying!

Oh, my god,
the purple haze!

It's exactly the same
as it was in college!

Catey, shh.
We're off the bike.

Oh, sorry. Oh.

Oh, a bug?

Boy, how many nights
did we spend here?

Oh, a lot more than we spent
in the library.

There was a library?

Oh, my god, it's Nixon.

You think it's still there?

Impossible.

Oh.

The gum I took out of my mouth
right before our first kiss.

I'll never forget that kiss.

For years, I got turned on
whenever I saw Nixon.

What are you drinking?

Please, these days?

I brought your favorite tea,
sweetheart.

Please come out.

I'm serious, sweetie.

C.J.'s cooking pork,
and I'm afraid for the children.

Two tequilas.

Oh, god.

You better get
your I.D. Out, catey.

I'm serious.
You look great.

Oh. I feel like
I'm dreaming.

An hour ago,
I was wearing fuzzy slippers,

listening to Mozart, and reading
about elbow softeners.

But you'd rather be here?

I'd rather live here.

To Nixon.

Okay.

Oh, warm!

Two more!

Oh, yeah, that's great,

'cause I don't think driving
a motorcycle through the snow

is quite dangerous enough.

We'll be fine.
We'll eat something.

Two double cheeseburgers.

With onion rings.

And anything else
you can fry.

So you really
haven't changed, have you?

Well, I did.
I changed back.

What do you mean?

Well, I did
the corporate thing.

You know,
I sold roofing systems.

Who are we kidding?
There's no system, it's a roof.

I hated it.

Did you ever get married?

I had a marriage system.

So what are you doing now?

Having a drink
with a beautiful girl.

Aw.

You're not...

On some most-wanted list,
are you?

No!

I made a little money
in the market.

Now all I need is my bike,
my laptop, and some open road.

Oh, I want your life.

I'm a single mom.

I cook, I clean,
I do bake sales.

They depend on you
for everything, huh?

Yeah, that's right.

Right now,
they're probably eating

Bologna sandwiches
on moldy bread.

I think this proves that we can
give your mother a night off

and still have
a nice dinner together.

May I present
C.J.'s swine surprise?

- Oh!
- Rory: Ugh.

Oh, it smells disgusting!

It was more sanitary
when it was alive!

- Hey!
- Are those marshmallows?

- C.J., it's still pink.
- That's the grape jelly.

Oh, mom, please come down here!
We're sorry!

He's trying to kill us!

You know what?

I work all day and I try to do
something nice for you guys,

something a little special.

I gave up a night
of substitute drinking

and this is the thanks,
the attitude, I get?!

I will never --
oh, and I mean never --

cook for this bunch again!

Oh!

I'm ordering a pizza.

Oh, please, order one.

If you order any pork products
on that pizza,

I will consider it
a slap across my face!

You look happy.

I don't know if
I can take any more excitement.

What a night --
Tequila, red meat.

This guy,
he called me "miss."

You want to kiss
the gargoyle?

You know, Matt, I may be
a little out of touch,

but if that's some kind of drug
or sexual reference,

I'm not interested.

How could you forget
about kissing the gargoyle?

There it is,
right out here.

Come on, let's climb over
and make a wish.

Oh, I'm not going down there.
It's like a 200-foot drop!

Besides, I have a cheeseburger
and a piece of mud pie in me.

Come on, nobody falls!

40 kids in 100 years.
That's not bad.

Come on!

But it looks so dangerous.

I-it's just so crazy.

Catey eagan, get out here.

All right.
All right, fine, i-I'm coming.

- Here I come.
- That's the catey I remember.

Whoo, ho! I'm out here.
I did it.

Gee, I didn't do this
when I was 20.

And they said that I didn't have
a dangerous side, ha!

Well, here I am,
literally on the edge.

Whoa!

Here's my phone.
I want a picture of this.

Okay. All right.

Oh, that'll be great.
That's gonna be great.

Okay.

Ah, I don't know if
the picture's so good.

Don't you want
to know my wish?

Tell me.

I wish you'd
run away with me.

- What?
- Tonight, right now, yesterday.

Well, where would we go?

Wyoming, where we always
said we'd go!

Oh, and open a water bed store
and write bluegrass songs.

And live on love
and free-range chicken.

Together: ♪ livin' on love
and free-range chicken ♪

♪ hangin' together
through thin and thicken ♪

You remember the song!

We were good.

Oh, wouldn't that
be great, Matt?

Living free forever like that.
What a fantasy.

It doesn't have to be a fantasy.
Let's do it!

Oh, come on.

Come on. I'm serious!
Let's run away tonight.

- No, no, no.
- Say yes!

No, no, no, I'm not
running away with you.

Why not? There's nothing between
us and total freedom!

D-don't answer that.

Hello?

Well, this is Cate hennessy.
Who's this?

It's your wife.

You said you left her.

- I did.
- When?

This afternoon,
when I got your e-mail.

Woman: Matthew?
Matthew!

You left your wife for me?
Based on what?

- Your e-mail.
- "Dear Matt, how's you life?"

I read between the lines!

There were no lines!

Here, now you tell her
that you're coming home.

I'm not going back.
It's you and me now.

Oh, no, no, no.
Matt, you have lost your mind.

Catey, you say you'll run away
with me, or I'm letting go!

Oh, stop it!

5, 4, 3 --

Matthew Walsh,
get off the gargoyle!

Come on.

♪ Livin' on love
and free-range chicken ♪

Forget it.
We are not going to Wyoming.

We are not opening
a water bed store.

And we're definitely not
writing bluegrass songs.

But you said your life
wasn't exciting.

That doesn't mean
I want to leave it!

I have responsibilities
and a family that worships me.

I say let her rot.

All this because we were late?
We're late all the time.

And I always do
my homework last minute

and she always helps me.

Boy, if you were my kids
and this was around 1955,

I'd be beating you right now.

- What?
- That's right, with a switch.

And he'd make you go out back
behind the barn

and cut it yourself.

What barn?

Yeah, the '50s,
everyone had a barn.

Just listen to you.

I mean, you took
your mother for granted

and sometimes, so do I,
but it's wrong.

She takes damned good
care of us.

We're hungry,
there's food.

If you're hurt,
she makes you feel better.

And if there's a mess,
she cleans up.

- We clean up.
- Oh?

Hey, your mother's up
in that room for one night.

I wouldn't blame her if she's up
there for a month.

So get off your butts,
clean up the mess,

and think about
what I just said.

Not you, C.J.
you keep sewing.

How you doing?

My foot's a little cold.

Wish my loafer
hadn't fallen off.

This isn't going
at all like I'd planned.

What were you thinking?

I don't know.

Married Betsy
right out of college.

- Betsy monahan?
- Yeah.

- That was her on the phone?
- Uh-huh.

Oh, she didn't like me
back then.

This isn't gonna help.

And now the kids are grown
and out of the house.

- You have kids?
- A lot of them.

I'm about to be
a grandfather.

I wonder if that has anything
to do with all this?

You know, all night long,
you sounded like such a rebel,

such a
"born to be wild" man.

Sure sounded good.

What about the motorcycle?

Technically, I'm still out
on a test-ride.

I drive a korean hatchback
I can't even pronounce.

Six cylinder?

Four.

What about the investments
and the markets?

I'm senior vice president
of ever-dry roofing systems.

We did this bell tower.

That's Betsy.

That's one hell
of a cellphone.

I'm sorry, catey.

This whole evening's
been a disaster.

Oh, are you kidding?
This is exactly what I needed.

Riding on the back
of that motorcycle,

I felt like I was 20 years old
and could ride forever.

- Well, then let's go!
- Oh, don't start.

Oh, I know.

I guess I was a pile of dynamite
waiting to go off

when you came along.

Believe me,

there's plenty of times
I want to just Chuck it all.

You know what stops me?

My kids.

I think about
how great they are...

And how awful they are...

And how great they are.

And I don't want
to change a thing.

Want to fool around
a little bit?

Let's get you home, gramps.

Okay.

Please don't call me that.

Okay.

Rory: Mom?
Mom, please come out.

Kerry:
Mom, we know you're mad

and you have
every right to be.

Mom, we know how lucky
we are to have you.

Please come out, so we can tell
you that face-to-face.

So you can see the tears.

Jim: Catey, it's dad.
Come on out.

The lumberjack competition
is over,

but I have it on tape
if you're interested.

Or we can watch
what you want.

Uh, aunt Cate,
it's your nephew...

C.J.

Listen, I walked a mile
in your shoes tonight,

and I learned something.

You know, taking care
of this family

is the hardest job of all.

By the way, I broke a heel.

And I wanted to tell you
how much I appreciate

everything you do for me.

Sure, I have to share
a room with gramps here,

and I don't get to use
the car as much as I'd like --

she gets the point.

Mom, this is the last thing
we're gonna say

and then
we'll leave you alone.

It's just weird
when you're this mad at us.

It feels like a piece of us
is missing.

Forget it, she's not budging.

She can be such a witch!

Let's just go.

Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, mom, we are so sorry.

Look, it's okay.
I'm better now.

Well, Cate, we had
a little talk tonight

about everybody
helping out more

and I think they got
the message.

He threatened to beat us.

Thanks, dad, I appreciate it.

Hey, if you're hungry,
you're in luck.

I happen to have a boatload
of marshmallow pork left.

It's gonna spoil.

Again.

That's all right.
I already ate.

When?
You were up here all night.

Listening to your old-people
music and taking a nap before bed.

Actually, um, I wasn't up here
all night.

What do you mean?

You remember that guy
on the Internet?

My old boyfriend?
Well, he showed up.

He whisked me out the window,
we jumped on his motorcycle,

went to this little club
called the purple haze.

I had a double cheeseburger,
did Tequila shots.

We broke into the bell tower,
climbed up to the top,

and I talked him down
out of a nervous breakdown.

Um...mom, hear us.

We love you --
dull, boring you.

You don't have
to make up these stories.

Come on, mom, come taste
the cookies we made.

Okay, I'll be right there.

All right.