All language subtitles for These Old Broads English

No, no. I wasn't
sleeping. I was just...

I was trying to picture
how these three women
look now after...

Nearly 40.
...40 years, yeah.

And I was
just getting
a little nauseous.

But
look at the grosses
on the re-release.

Yeah. I saw them.
Yeah, 14 million
opening weekend.

It's expected
to do at least 50.

50? And you want me
to suggest to Mr. Stern
exactly what now?

Well, sir,
I was thinking...

Remember your
last thought?

Remember, huh? When
we opened the sunken
treasure chest on live TV.

And what happened, Tom?
What happened?

It was empty, sir. But...
Right. Hold on
a second. Wait, wait.

You want me to suggest
to Mr. Stern that we remake
some rusty old road movie

with three
has-been geriatrics.

No, no. Not remake.

Reunite the stars,

and have them sing
the hits from the film
on live television.

I mean,
they're icons.

People would tune in
just to see if
they're still alive.

I wasn't listening to you
just now. I was having
a brilliant thought.

Instead of whatever
you just said, we should
reunite the stars

and have them sing
the hits of the movie
on live television.

I mean, people will
tune in just to see
if they're alive.

But there is
just one problem:
They hate each other.

They hate each other
on Jerry Springer

and that goes
through the roof.

Okay, so who could we get
to produce this spectacle?
Who could we get?

Well, there is one guy...
Yes?

...who might be able
to help get them together,
keep the peace.

Yes.
You know, one of
them is his mother.

You're not gonna tell me
who it is, are you?

You want me to beg
like a schnauzer?

It's Wesley Westbourne, sir.

Am I supposed
to know who that is?

Well, he's
the one who does the
documentaries on PBS.

He's been pitching
this deadly idea

for a series of
nineteenth century
First Ladies.

Well, get him
into the office!
I just warn you, though.

He's a bit dry and
pretentious, so you may
wanna humor him a bit.

I'm sorry.
It just seemed
like you thought

you were talking to
someone who wasn't
in the business.

Yeah, well,
you know, I just...

Mrs. Ida Saxton McKinley.

I have goose bumps.

I have... I mean,
I don't know about you,
but keep going. This is...

President William
McKinley's wife.
Duh!

She's only
a personal idol of mine.

Who do you see in
the role of Ms. McKinsey?

McKinley.
Well, I thought...

I have two words
for you, Farrah.

Oh.

Oh.

I love it. I love it.
I love it. We're making it.
We're doing it. I love it.

Great.
What is this, an outline?

Oh, my God,
look at this.
I smell ratings.

Oh, my God.
I'm so excited right now,
I'm about to pass an Emmy.

This is fantastic.
This is great.

Now, there is one
little thing I need you
to do for me first.

Okay?

So you said yes, right?

Connie, these women
hate each other
and don't speak.

I haven't spoken to
my mother in two years,
as you may recall.

Well, it sounds like
you may have to
break the silence.

No, I don't have to.

Wesley, are you telling me

you're gonna give up
a chance to do your
dream project just because

you don't wanna
talk to your mommy?

They're old ladies now.
What can they do to you?

Anyway, I think
it's a great idea.
I'd watch.

Right after I watched
your show on Ida
Stockton McKinley.

It's Saxton McKinley.

It has no redeeming
social value.

Hey, you guys, get in here.
You gotta check this out.

Tired of teen angst
comedies and carnage?

Well, apparently
so is the rest of America,

because the surprise
box office winner this
weekend was the re-release

of the 1960s feel-good
musicalBoy Crazy.

We spoke toBoy Crazy star
and new age zealot,
Kate Westbourne,

in her present
incarnation as Mame.

So, Ms. Westbourne, are you
surprised to be in a hit movie
again after all these years?

My dear, I've had
an audience since
I was 17-years-old.

I can't do this.

And I certainly
make it a point never
to appear surprised.

It's not
a flattering look.

That's my momma.

But it is amazing.

No, this movie is one
of many, many good
movies that I have made

over a very
long career.

Five minutes,
Ms. Westbourne.
Now, if you'll excuse me.

That broad is
a piece of work.

You know how some people
have fantasies of
growing up in Hollywood

with movie-star parents?
Well, my fantasy is
everyone else's reality.

I wish that,
instead of being
adopted by a movie star,

I was adopted
by just regular
parents with siblings,

a mom cooking dinner
in the kitchen, a dad
coming home from work,

giving me chores.
And you know what, buddy?

If that happened,
you would wish

you were adopted
by the movie star.

Well, maybe. But
a different movie star.

One who's, I don't know,
capable of showing affection.

Who? Joan Crawford?

We caught up with
perky Piper Grayson

at her struggling Las Vegas
casino, where she was as
incessantly upbeat as ever.

Last week, you could hear
a chip drop in this place.

Then the movie came out
and now I've got a full house.

It's so exciting.
She's cute.

They're winning.
Come on down.

What are we talking about?
I can't do this.

I'm a serious
documentarian.

So be that,
after you be this.

Anyway, didn't you say
your mother's business
manager robbed her blind?

The youngest,
Peggy, is the head writer

on the irreverent sitcom,
Shut Up, Momma.

We were unable to get
an interview with sex
symbol, Addie Holden,

who's been living
in luxurious seclusion...

Nice wig.
...since the 1991
incarceration

of her mobster boyfriend,
Tony "the Meatpacker" Frank.

Ten years ago,
Frank was imprisoned

for loan-sharking
and soliciting murder.

Since his arrest,
Ms. Holden has faithfully
visited her paramour

and she was once fined
for exposing herself
through the Plexiglas window

during visiting hours.

Come on, admit it.
You're kind of
liking the idea.

And, hey, play your cards
right and you may even
get me as an assistant.

I hate the idea.
But let's face it,
I need this job.

My mother needs it.
And apparently,
you need it, too.

It's a package deal.
So, we'll do it.

Yeah, sure. We'll do it.
Whether or not I get
these ladies to do it,

that's a whole
other matter.

in the sky hopes

you're gettin' low

Is my husband winning?
Hit him, George!
If you don't, I will.

Everybody wave to
my husband of 42 years,

Bill, the big
love of my life.

I love you, honey.
Go on, everybody.
Wave to Bill.

Wave to Bill.
He's so cute.
So cute.

Oh.

Hello, dear.
Hello, Ms. Grayson.

I'm Wesley Westbourne.

Well, well! Your parents
must've been big fans.

You have the same name
as Kate Westbourne's
adopted son, Wesley.

No, I am Wesley.

Really? You don't look
anything like her.

Well, as you
mentioned,
I am adopted.

I never had to adopt.

All Bill had to do was
just look at me funny
and I got pregnant.

You know, after four
children, I had to... I had
to beg him to look away

and get a vasectomy.

Oh.

Well, now, you didn't
come here to hear
about my sex life.

Or did you?
No. I... Thank you.

You can pay
for it over there.
Great.

10 dollars.
But, you know...

There you go.
Is there somewhere
we can talk?

No. I couldn't even look
at those two again, after
what I've seen them do.

I just recently
got over this,
you know.

I mean, I almost had
to see a psychoanalyst.

Addie and your mother
were like rabbits,
thumping and humping

and the trailers
were rocking,
dresses were lifted.

They were like, like...
Rabbits?

I already said that.
Oh.

Oh, no, no. No, no.
They were worse
than rabbits

because rabbits
are cute and fluffy.

They don't have breasts
heaving in front of the
crew and little lace undies

dangled in front
of the director.
They were both

doing the nasty
with the director.

I can't quite picture
my mother having relations...

Well, how do you think
you were born? You...

Oh. That's right,
that's right.
You were adopted.

Well, knowing your
mother, I'm sure she
slept with everybody

at the adoption agency.

Although I'm sure
that menopause
put an end to that.

Dried me out completely.
Oh, wow.

Well, she certainly
looks dried out.
I say that with great love.

Memory fades, you know,
then the face goes and
then the bosoms go,

and the privates
and the derriere...

No, I'm not going to
face those hussies.

No! I'm not!
No, no, no.

Your life seems
so much better
than theirs.

You have a husband
and four children who
love you and this casino.

Go away from me, now.
This could...

No! Get away from me!
What's going on?

No. And the costumes
were horrible.

I looked like
an egg with hair.

They got the best dresses.

I'm not gonna say it twice,
mister. Scram.

We could put you
in any costume that you...
Come on. Now, listen to me.

I'm an ex-Marine and in WWII,
I pulled a man's face off

with just
these two fingers.

I didn't enjoy it...much.
But I'd do it again.

I looked like
a tap-dancing mushroom.

I'm sorry.
I'm so, so sorry.

I did not mean to...
Don't touch,
no touching.

No! No, no, nothing.
No touch, no touching.

I'm going. I'm going.
I'm gone. I'm gone.

What's your business?
Who is it, Leo?

Yeah, I got a message
from Mr. Frank.

My father's bunking
with him in prison.

Put the blindfold on
and send him in.

The blindfold?

She's been
in an accident.

Uh...

Mmm.

I just can't believe that
Tony wants me to do this.
He was the reason I retired.

It's a favor
for a friend.

I can't tell you
anything more than that.

I'm sure Tony will be
proud for everyone
to see how good you look.

And you're bound to look
younger than anybody else
since you had the face...

Zip it, Mother.

So is everyone
else doing it?

Is that Westbourne
tramp doing it?

Oh, yeah,
she'll be doing it.

Oh, I wouldn't be
so sure about that.

I suppose you heard
about the fight we had?

Yeah, you
and Mrs. Westbourne

both had relations
with the director.

Not at the same
time, obviously.

I'm quite sure
she wasn't as imaginative

or sensual or acrobatic
as I was, but basically,

yes, we did.

And the director,
that awful Dick Preston

with the freckled penis,
God rest his soul,

he made the
first move on me.

Freckled? You know,
this is perhaps
too much information.

I used to call him
"the Spotted Dick,"

after the
English pudding.
Right.

Anyway, after he
and I got together,
he dumped your mother.

Yes, I know.
You're Kate's son,
aren't you?

It's Wesley, isn't it?

How did you know?
You're sneaky,
just like she is.

That red-headed witch.

You don't mind if
I call your mother
a witch, do you?

Everyone else does.

Ms. Hoity-Toity
here didn't bother
to introduce us.

I'm her mother,
you believe that?
I'm Miriam Hodges.

You're American?

I'm a Yankee
Doodle Dandy.

But...
Oh, that's her
Hollywood voice.

Can it, Mummy, dearest.
I was educated in England.

If you say so, Countess.

Don't take any notice
of her. She's senile.

I wish I were senile.
Then I could
forget how crazy...

One more word
out of you

and it's back to
the Drool Academy
for the Aged. Okay?

All right.
Where were we?

Oh, yes. All right.
I'll do it.

If the other two do it.

But I guarantee you,
you will not talk
that old bat into it.

I don't think
it'll be too hard to
convince my own mother.

Come in.

Hi.

Get out.

It's so good to
see you too, Mother.

Stop it.

Since you have not
spoken to me in
I don't know how long,

give me one good reason
why I should speak with you.

Well, I believe
it is you who have
not spoken to me.

Well, we're speaking now.

I have a job for you.

I know about this job.

But you did not
have a job for me
when you were making

that Mary Todd
Lincoln show.

And you know
I wanted to play
Mary Todd Lincoln.

I see spirits too.
And I can be dignified!

Mother, I was making
a documentary
on Mrs. Lincoln.

We used old photos
and drawings.
There were no actors.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

You need this job,
desperately.

Your last two business
managers cleaned you out.

You're in debt up to your...
I would rather
get a barium enema

on live TV than work
with that tramp again.

What tramp?

The one you went to
before you came to me.

I wasn't born yesterday.

Yeah, I'll say.

I'm offering you
the chance to
make a comeback,

to make some serious money.

Forgive me,
I'm a horrible
excuse for a son!

But why can't I star
in this TV show
all by myself, huh?

I am the only one
that's still legitimately
working, you know that.

Addie's a gangster's moll
and Piper has some saloon
so she can sing in it.

Mother.
And I... No! No!
No! No, no, no!

My inner child is
having such a tantrum.

Oh, it's criminal
what you do
to my third chakra.

Forget it. You know what?
You're doing great.

Keep doing
Mameon the road

and wash your underwear
out in the sink,

using tiny,
teeny hotel soaps.

Forget that this could
also help my career

so that I could
support you
in your old age.

Age is not exactly
a heart-melter for me,
Wesley. Have a rice cake.

And don't
let it bother you

that if you don't
do this show,
I will be forced

to write a tell-all book
chronicling, for example,
that you used to beat me.

I wish I had.

How about that time that you
set my friend Jeremy on fire?

Oh, he got too close
to my cigarette.

And, anyway,
his hair grew back.

Who they gonna believe,
Mother? You or me?

You're a brat.
I should never have
taught you to speak.

So what's it gonna be?

Write your
little tell-all book.

See how far it gets you.

Why are we so horrible
to each other?

Well, that's simple.

We have an
S and M relationship.

Son and mother.

Hmm.

What do you mean,
you've never heard
of Beryl Mason?

She was the biggest
agent in Hollywood.

When was this?

In the '50s and
the '60s and the '70s.

Well, we weren't
all raised in
Hollywood, you know?

Well, look.
Beryl is still these
three ladies' agent,

and if anyone could
talk them into doing the
special, it would be her.

But I gotta tell you,
she's kind of scary.

When my mom
brought me
here as a kid,

I'd always get
nosebleeds.

Oh. Okay, now the reason
for you begging me
to come becomes clear.

Ben, if Beryl is anything
like what she used to be,

she stays
in bed all day,

eating and talking
on the phone and
smoking pot

and watching documentaries
about dead people.

It makes her feel
better about herself.

Hold it. Wait.
Then I can't go in there,

because you know how I am
around people who smoke pot.

I get a contact high.
You'll be fine.

She'll behave.
Let's go.

Hello, Beryl.
Shh. I love this part.

Sit. Sit.

You gotta hand it
to this country.

We really pulled it
together for D-day.

Hitler must have felt
like such a total schmuck.

So, Wesley.

Oh, Beryl,
you look fantastic.

Bull. I'm as big
as a bungalow.

Who's that?
This is Ben,
Ben Collier.

Sit down.

Tell me what you
need besides a drink.

Rose, bring in the trays.

Just a nice little
afternoon snack.

So, let's get down
to business.

Okay. Well,
I was thinking...

Wait. Before you start,

let me put my head
to one side

and listen to you
with the part of my brain

that might believe
the crap you're
about to tell me,

like I already
didn't know you went to
all three of these women

without calling me,
their agent!

I was...
As punishment,
15 percent of what they make

and 15 percent
of what you make.

I don't think...
Nonnegotiable.

But, I...
And no legwork.

It's illegal.
You're doing the roundup.

Take it or leave it.

Well...
I said nonnegotiable.

Plus I'm co-producer.
Oh, no.

And if you
interrupt me
one more time,

I'll be directing
the bloody thing
from this bed.

So, how long
have you been here?
Hey!

So, all the women
are committed, right?

Well, I spoke
to Beryl Mason.
It's as good as done.

Done is as good as done.

Anything less than done
doesn't quite measure up.

Wesley, we don't
need that washed-up,

has-been pothead
agent, Beryl Mason.

It's nonnegotiable.
I couldn't pull it
off without her.

Okay, now that's clearer.
But I have a great idea.

Oh, I'm frightened.

Why don't I introduce
you to the ladies?

And we can just sit down
and hammer out the
fine points of the deal.

Okay.
Mmm-hmm.

Okay? Good.

Oh, it's good for you?
I'm so relieved.

Oh, my God,
it's the Pope.

No way.

And that endless shoot
in the sweltering heat,

and that idiotic
flower dirndl dress
they gave me to wear,

I looked like a 15-year-old
pregnant hillbilly.

Like it's bad
to look 15?

This isn't
about the costume.

It's about Freddy,
isn't it?

Freddy Hunter?
Oh, please.

I haven't thought
about him in ages.

Because if it is,
I wanted to remind you
it all happened so long ago

when we were so young.

Well, let's just
drop it, okay?

I forgave you years ago.
So let's move on.

Okay.
Great.

Good.
Grand.

Groovy.
And besides,

everybody knows
you're a very sick woman,

a card-carrying
nymphomaniac.

Nympho!

Ha!

You think any woman
who had a normal,
healthy sex life

was a nymphomaniac.

Well, I enjoy sex,
but you...

If a man was on fire,
you'd stamp him out
and screw him.

See, I think of sex
as a language
and I'm fluent in it.

You... Well, for you,
it's a second language.

Piper, I did you a favor
by taking away Freddy.

A favor is doing something
for someone that they are
unable to do for themselves.

I was perfectly capable
of losing Freddy on my own.

After I'd had my
tonsils taken out,
I couldn't speak.

Now, you know what
that must've been like
for me. So I drank.

And I went on
a weeklong bender
that ended up with Freddy.

It was all in the note
of atonement I sent you.

I didn't get any note.

Anyway, I was with Freddy

because I was
in a blackout.

What's your excuse?

He gave me
a red convertible

and my mother told me to.
She thought he was Italian.

Oh, and you do everything
your mother tells you to.

Less, now that she's dead.

The whole thing
with Freddy
was a nightmare.

I mean, the man
had skinny little
hairless legs

and a saggy ass.

It was like coupling
with a clothespin.

How vivid.

Oh, yes. So what
about the special?

Oh, I don't need it.
You know my casino's
doing very well.

I mean, you couldn't
really pay me enough
money to... Oh, really?

Well, that's fine.
That'll just do fine.
I'm in.

Of course, I don't like
those two other women.

And I still resent you.
There aren't any tonsils
left in there, are there?

Because I don't wanna
worry about you
around my husband, Bill.

Please. I spend most
of my time in bed.

Well, from what
I understand, you can do
quite a lot of damage in bed.

Wesley.
Mother, you look great.

Oh, Bill, how are you?
Kate. It's so long...

Nice to see you.
You know,
I can't believe

that these amusing
boys are businessmen.

You know, in my day,
the studio executives

were all fat and ugly
and smelled of cigars,

but you boys
look like models.

Ms. Holden.
Oh, Wesley.
Call me Addie.

You remember
my mother from Kansas?
Of course.

Ms. Mason will
see you all now.

Piper's not here yet.

Don't worry. She's
already upstairs.
It's a love-in.

Okay.

Grandma, Tom.
Right.

Hello, girls.
Hi, Piper.
You look wonderful.

Addie.
Piper, how are you?

Beryl.

One more facelift and
she'll blow her nose
through her forehead.

Excuse me, Mrs. Munster.

It's Gidget goes to seed.

Someone swallowed a boulder.

Look over there, dear.

It's Queen Elizabeth
and her mother Ethel.

Oh, how are you, Kate?
I'm very well. Thank you.

You're looking grand.
I love your turban.

Yes. I love your wig.

No, no, no.
It's not a wig.
Really?

All right!
Enough! All right!

Let's just get
this thing over with.

I assume you and Wesley
have discussed some
preliminary figures?

But I wanted to
show you a number
for each of these ladies,

that I think is
closer to the mark.

Okay.

Ha!
Hmm.

Ladies, will you
excuse me a minute?

Come.

You sons of bitches.

Don't you kids know
that these women are
the only icons we have left?

All the men are dead.

I can
certainly see why.

You want us to go
to another network?

Because the other networks
eat this stuff up.

Yeah, sure,
in syndication.

Got to hand it
to her, she hasn't
lost her touch.

Uh-uh. No.
Smoking kills.

Let her smoke. But, dear,
you really should try
a thinner cigarette.

It decreases
the proliferation
of the lip lines.

At least I have lips.

I think my little girl
looks wonderful.
You know, she just had a...

Zip it, Mother.
I just had
a little liposuction.

That's what keeps
my waist so tiny.

Something you could use.

All the fat just
goes to another place.

You know, I had a friend
who lipoed her stomach
and within several months,

she looked just
like Jabba the Hutt.

Ah.

Who's Jabba the Hutt?

It's a sea slug, Mummy,
from outer space.

And it's not
a compliment.

I had to have the lipo.
I was puffy from an accident.

Oh, yes, of course.

Isn't it odd how every
four years or so you have
some sort of accident,

and each time you end up
looking more and more like
a wide-mouthed sea bass?

Ladies, we have a deal.

Well, Addie's
not here yet.

Well, I'm sure
she has a perfectly
good explanation.

No, no, you idiot.

When I ordered a shiatsu,
I meant a massage.
Not a dog.

I'm so sorry I'm late.
You cannot believe
what happened to me.

What?
It was an
absolute nightmare.

I had to change
my entire outfit because
I had a run in my tights.

You sure it wasn't
a varicose vein?

Yes, I'm quite sure.

And didn't we have
a favored nations clause?

Yes. Where none of us
were supposed to
bring additional people.

The word "entourage"
comes to mind.

"Parade."
You know what?

What?
You really need
to do something

about all these people.
No, no, no. Tony
insists I have at least

one bodyguard.
No.

What does she need
a bodyguard for?

Nobody would want her body
in the first place.

What about Mummy?
Okay, Mommy.

Okay.

Thank you.
Run on.

All right, girls.

I am so thrilled
to be directing
real stars here.

So why don't we
just sidle on up
to the piano here

and see how much
of this you remember.
All right.

On the top of Boy Crazy.
Yes. Boy Crazy.Great.

that they dance
I'm boy crazy

of their pants

Keep going, keep going.
That was great.
That was great.

I'll be right back.
Is there a problem?

I'll be
right back, too.

Let's take it from
the top of the song.
Is it okay?

Could you
do it in my key?

No, no. That was
much too low for me.

That is the funniest
thing I've ever seen
in my entire life.

This is gonna be
so hilarious.

No, it's not
supposed to be funny.

I know one of them
is your mother.

But that is not
your fault.

"I'm boy crazy."

You know what it should be?
"I'm Medicare crazy."

Hey, you gotta
pull yourself
together here.

I know. I know.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Okay. I'll calm down.

Excuse me,
but is that alcohol?

"Excuse me,
but is that alcohol?"
Yes! Yes, it's alcohol.

I'd like to see
anybody do this sober.

Oh.

Well, someone will
do it sober
because you're fired.

Ladies, I have
some potentially
good news, really.

It seems that Roger...
We know, dear.
We heard. Fired.

I have an idea, though.
Oh, it's all our idea.

No, it wasn't.
It was my idea.

I brought it up
and you agreed.

Don't you remember?
No. It was my idea.
I was the...

It was not.
Okay, okay.
What's the idea?

We want you to
direct the special.

Me? No. That's sweet,
but I make documentaries.

Oh, no. Don't put
yourself down.

It's in your blood, dear.
My blood? I'm adopted.

Wesley, you're like
my children. You were
raised on movie sets.

I breastfed the twins
during dailies.

It was sickening.

And besides,
we never listen to
the director anyway.

We know what you
do with the director.

What I do
with the director?

Well, look who's talking.
Now, ladies.
Dignity! Dignity!

Manners.
That's right.
So it's settled.

You'll direct.
Onward and upward.
But...

There.

We have...

Right.
Who has the first line?

Me.
No, I...

You fall for
any old line?

What are you, a moron?
God! Who am I asking?

Everybody knows
Roger's a drunk,
okay?

But at least he's
a semi-successful director.

You're not even a
semi-successful producer.

You, forgive me
for saying, are a son.

Gavin, I could do this.

Oh, oh.

All righty, then.
Now there's two things
you can screw up

producing and directing.

Thank you for your support.
You want support?
Get a training bra.

You better make this work.
You better make this
work, Westbourne,

or you and your career
are gonna be like

President McKinsey's wife.
Dead and buried.

McKinley.
I said that.

Those actresses
are so self-involved.

Mother,
you're an actress.

You forget
I wrote a book.

Yeah. An autobiography
called Me, Me, Me.

Well, sometimes
you don't even act like
you're my son, Wesley.

Well, sometimes
you don't even act
like you're my mother.

Oh, come on.
I've given you everything
a child could want.

Toys, love, publicity.

Listen, tomorrow morning
I'm gonna be a little bit late

because I have a power peel
and a bikini wax.

Give me a kiss.
Thank you.

Wesley,
give me that costume.

I want the red one,
not the green one.

Wake up. You're
having a nightmare.

You promised me
great costumes.
This is too tight.

Oh.

Oh, Connie.

God, it was so horrible.

It was so real.
It was my mother

and Addie and Piper
and they were

this hideous
fire-breathing,

three-headed
gargoyle monster who
wanted to talk to me

about the show and
who had the most
fabulous costumes,

and I can't do this.

What's really going on?

I just think people
are gonna say that I'm
setting up housekeeping

in my mother's shadow.

Why?
Connie, when
I was growing up,

I just wanted to
fit in, and after
years of struggling

I finally do get
to a place where
I could succeed

or I could fail
on my own terms,

and now I'm right back
at a place that I just
don't wanna be at.

Kate Westbourne's son.

And if I do fail at this,
I'm just gonna be known as,

"What's his name?
Kate Westbourne's loser son."

That's ridiculous.

You're helping
your mother financially

and you're gonna get
your series on the air.

Even your mother
will respect that.

Let me put this in a way
you'll understand.

Not a chance.
My mother will
never respect me.

You're expecting
her to behave
like a human being.

You're forgetting
one thing that
she never forgets.

She is a star.

Pete, take it.

Okay, ladies.
It's just the three
of you today. No boys.

Everybody,
we're gonna face front
towards the mirrors.

Now, I put marks
down for rehearsal.

Piper, front and right.
Addie, front and left.

And Kate, center back.
No, no. I want to be
in the center front,

because I'm tallest.

Since I'm the youngest,
I should be in the center.

Welcome to
the Land of Delusion.
both of you.

Ladies, ladies,
could we just try this

Pete's way for now? Please.

Okay.
Okay.

Good.

Okay, ladies.
Point shoulder up, down.

Rudy, take it from
the top of Boy Crazy.

that they dance

Piper, Piper, Piper.
We're not singing today.

No, it's just
a dance rehearsal.
But you know what?

That does remind me.
When we do sing
these songs,

back from our younger days,
maybe we could frame them,

you know, with a nice
little intro, something
along the lines of,

"Remember
way back when?"

Or, "Say, here's a trip
down memory lane."
Hmm.

Okay? Let's try that,
shall we? Super.

Okay, ladies.
Let me show you
from the top. All right?

Five, six, seven, eight.
Toe point, toe to drop.

Step, flick, step,
down, turn and step.

Wait a minute.
You're going too fast.

Step, kick, down, step.
How can we get this?

Now, wait a minute.
Reach and step.
Reach and turn.

Reach, turn. Hip.
Ball change.

Step, reach and pop.
Wonderful.

I'd have an easier
time typing that
than dancing it.

Ladies, ladies, we are
on the right track.

Oh, sure.
Whose track?

Look, we'll
break it down.

Here we go, ladies.
Here we go.

Five, six, seven...
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.

Wait a minute.
...eight. Toe, point,
shoulder, down.

Reach. Swing.
Swing that leg out.
Swing the leg out.

If you spent more time
practicing your steps

instead of that
phony accent.
Get away from me. Stop it!

Ladies, let me
help you up.

I'll get up myself.

And she kicked me
with that great
big green leg of hers.

Ladies.
Ladies, please.

Shut up!

What is it you want?

I need to talk to
Ms. Holden, privately.

Why?
I mean, it just
concerns you, privately.

Me?
All right.

Come on.
Just make it quick.

Can we work?
And forget the turn!

Okay, thank you.
Five, six, seven and point.

What? Oh, my God.

What?

What's the matter?
It's my boyfriend, Tony.

He's had
a heart attack
in jail and...

And what? Please, God,
make this a tiny "and."

Well, he has a little
heart condition

and so they put him
in an ambulance

and took him off
to the hospital and
somehow or another,

en route, he escaped.

Oh, my God.
Is he dangerous?

Are the two of you
on good terms?

Tony's not dangerous.
He adores me.

No, he would never do
anything to hurt me.

And besides, he's an old
man with a heart attack.

What can he do?

Come on, let's get
back to the number.

Wait, wait. We have
to do something.
Increase security or...

No, she's right.
Let's go back to work.

I need to stretch my legs.

Let's not have
anyone talk of
heart attacks and jail.

Let's have
music and joy.

All right.
Let's play some piano.

Here we go, from the top.
Five, six, seven and step,

shoulder, up,
down, flick...

Hey, look.
If I had her
waiting for me,

I'd break out
of prison, too.

I mean, look at this girl.
That's one good looking lady.

Gavin, I may be mistaken,

but I think she was
very much alive at the
start of World War II.

Yeah? And I would
love to have gotten
in the trenches with her.

Look at that.

God, you need help.

I mean, so what?
So she's got
a few years on me.

You know what?

I like those
years on me.
Yeah. Come on.

Look, this is the first
break we've had.

It's getting us
tons of publicity.

The phones are
ringing off the hook.

I'm proud of you,
now get out of here.

Cheryl, send Addie
some flowers.
Oh, and write a note.

And let's give it
a personal touch.

"Sorry about
your boyfriend.

"Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah. With love."

And hold all calls.

Room service
for Ms. Holden.

Could you turn
around please?

Put your arms out.

Who is it?
Room service.

Oh, I didn't order
room service.

It's courtesy of
the production office.
Oh.

How nice.

There you go.
Thank you.

Ooh!

Cannolis.
My favorite.

Mmm-mmm.

Help me out of this thing!

Tony! Oh, my God.

Tony, you scared me
to death. Are you crazy?

Oh. Shh.

Ms. Holden,
are you okay in there?

Oh.

Yes, Officer.
Everything's fine.

I tripped over my
makeup mirror cord
and it smashed.

But I'm fine.
Keep up the good work.

Okay.

You should not be here.
This is the first place
they'll expect you to come.

So what? I mean,
what are they gonna
give me? Life in prison?

Oh, I'm scared.

I'll tell you
the worst thing
that can happen to me.

I heard you were
doing another show.

I got very upset.

I had a heart attack.
I mean, didn't we
have an agreement

that you weren't gonna
do no more shows?

Yes, Tony, we did.

Oh, Tony, you know
I adore you and you
give me everything,

but I was lonely
for my fans and,
let's face it,

you wouldn't have wanted me
if you hadn't seen me perform.

Well, here I am.
So you can
perform for me.

Where am I supposed
to hide you?
I'm harboring a criminal.

Well, harbor me
good, babe,

because this
boat hasn't been
docked in years.

Why must you always
be so vulgar?

You love it, and
I'm born to be, right?
Mmm-hmm.

You remember
the time...

Oh, yes.

Yeah, that was great.
Get down there.

So you're gonna
start right there,
just like we did in Paris.

Good on the dive.
Sharper. And turn.
Whack, whack. Good. Good.

Connie, remind me
I gotta talk to Nolan
about Beat It Down.

Good morning,
everybody.
Good morning.

Good morning,
you lovely,
lovely ladies.

What are you
so chipper about?

Well, why shouldn't
I be chipper?

The sky is blue,
traffic is light,
my hips are tiny

and I'm working again
with such good friends.

You're hiding Tony
in your room.
Who?

Oh, come off it.

When a woman is
cheerful and has
a hickey on her neck,

there's a man
behind it.

All right.
I am hiding him.

But don't tell
anyone, please.

You can't do that, you know.
It's aiding and abetting.

Yes. You're housing
a criminal,
which is a crime,

and crime is
against the law.

Let me just have him
for a little while longer.
I'm having multiples.

It's absolutely amazing.
This man can go for hours.

It's some sort of
tantric thing
they learn in jail.

You'd love it.

What if you get caught?

Look, just one more night.
Any more and I can't take it.

Look, if you asked me
to hide your boyfriend

who'd just
broken out of jail,

I'd do it for you.
And you.

Multiples?
Mmm.

Tantric?
Mmm.

Tantric...

Tony, that was
so incredible.

Bet you never got
anything like that
in jail, huh?

You were never
anybody's girl,
were you, Tony?

You don't have to
answer that.

So, does Big Tony
wanna come out
and play again?

Hmm?

Round number four.
Tony?

Tony?

Tony!

Addie, what is it?
What?

It's Tony.
I think he's...

Having an extended
senior moment.

Very rude?

No, no. I think
I shtupped him to death!

Dear, you did
the right thing.

I'm sure that's what
he would have wanted.

Oh.

Yeah. He's gone.

Oh.

But don't be upset
at it, because death
is never the end.

It's the beginning
of a new incarnation.

Yes. You know,
that's true.

Bill is always asking me
to boff him to death.

I know you're upset,
but would you have the
decency to cover the man?

It is not one of my
goals in life to see
a dead mobster's butt.

We have got to
get rid of this body.
This is very incriminating.

This could create
all kinds of negative
publicity for me,

and the show, of course.

Well, no offense, but
he's a dead weight now.

And how do you
suggest we do that?

I don't know.
At least let's
get him off the bed!

Well, let's do it together.
Let's roll him off.

On the count of three...

One, two, three!

Addie Sue?
Are you all right, honey?

I thought that I heard...

Addie Sue?
Quiet!

Yes, Mummy.
Tony's dead.

I'm amazed that
he lived this long.

What I'm reacting to
is the size of his...

If you must know,
his jumbo.

No wonder you stayed
with him so long.

Is rigor mortis setting in?
Or was he always like that?

Okay, okay,
put a sock in it!

I'm having a heck of a time
hearing myself think here!

What happened
to your accent?

You see, you
rattle her enough,

she can talk
just like you and me.

Shut your trap, Ma.

Ladies, let us think,
precisely and concisely.

Right. Mummy,
give me your robe.
But why my robe?

I'm certainly not
gonna wear it again

after that's
brushed up
against it.

I'll buy you
another robe,
Mummy.

Come on, where's
the pioneer spirit that
got us out of Kansas?

So what's the idea
after we get him
into the robe?

Well, I think that
we should create some
sort of a diversion,

and then we'll carry
his body outside

and leave it
somewhere casually.

Where?
With the bellboy?
Poolside.

In the gift shop?
I just want him
out of my room, okay?

Spare us! Spare us
the drama, Addie.
Put the robe on him.

Why don't we
all do it together,
for old times' sake?

Oh, God, my memory
is so hazy, Addie Sue.

I just don't remember
an old time like
that particularly.

Push him up.
Heavy
for a little guy.

If you don't know what to do,
don't push him towards me.
He's too heavy!

Put his arm in the robe.
I can't get it in.

He's just
gonna fall over.
Put it in.

All right, I'll hold...

Oh, God!

Get him off me.
He's poking me!

Is everything
all right in there?

Oh, yes, Officer.
Everything's fine.

Everything's fine
in here, Mr. Policeman.

I don't think you should
leave my robe over that.
It looks like a teepee.

I wouldn't touch that
with a ten foot pole.

It is a ten foot pole.

Thank you.
Ma'am.

Fire!

Remain calm! Remain calm!
Take the stairs.
Take the stairs. Follow me.

Stay away from the elevators.
Take the stairs and stay
away from the elevator.

You need a waxing.

This way.

Ms. Holden.
Aren't you Addie Holden?

No!

Heave him over.
Just put him in the chair.
Try to put him in the chair.

Here, grab a leg,
grab a leg.
Grab anything.

Call 911.

Tony! Goodbye,
Tony, my love.
And my very best.

You were the best
I ever had, darling.

Oh, God. Spare us.
Grieve in your room.

Addie, please,
this is ridiculous.

Go upstairs!
All right.

Good luck in your
new incarnation.
Perhaps I'll see you there.

Hmm.

God rest your soul. Let's
get the hell out of here.

Did you notice
how tiny his feet were?

I guess that old adage
doesn't ring true.

Big nose, big...
Don't you dare!

Excuse us!
Excuse me.

Yeah?

There they are.

A senior citizen's arrest.

I get final approval
of all these pictures!

Didn't anyone ever
tell you that a woman
should be lit from below?

Wait! No!

There's no filter
on that lens, and I'm
always shot from the left!

Thanks, boys.
This will make
a swell Christmas card.

Get them.

I bet they haven't
had any in years.

She's had quite
a bit very,
very recently.

Just screwed
a man to death.
I did not.

Maybe I did.

Mom?

Wesley.
Honey? Honey!

My baby!
Addie?

Oh, my God, look at...
Addie, Addie!

We were just...
Laurie Miller, KRTW.

Can you tell us
what happened?

Yes. It's really
very simple. The...

The deceased, Mr. Marshall,
he broke into my room, and

he tried to force himself
onto me, and when
I resisted he died

and so him being
nude and all,

we slipped him
into my mother,
Mrs. Hodges...

No, not into me,
into my robe.

We slipped him
into my mother's robe,

for the sake of
common decency,

and then the
wastepaper basket

caught fire
and so we took him
down to the lobby.

That's it. That's all.
End of story.

Well, it is a
sympathetic piece.

Sympathetic
to you, maybe,

but we look like
chorus girls in your
sordid little tragedy.

It is not a little
tragedy, Kate.

The man literally
died on top of me.

Isn't that what most men want?
To die in the saddle?

It is not that great
for the saddle.
No?

Okay. Let's do this.
Rehearsal's up.
Fascinating Rhythm.

Oh, yes, absolutely.

Hi, boys.

Hello! Hello, hello.
Hi, girls.

Ready? Music.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Oh, dipsy doodle.
It was all my fault.

No, no, no, no.
It was all mine. I bumped
into you. I'm so sorry.

Hello, hello, hello.
It was my fault.
I bumped into you.

Okay. Hello.
Follow me.

Okay.
You ready? Music.

Five, six, seven and...

Kate! Addie!
Piper, please!

Listen. Listen, listen,
listen. I have...
I have made my statement

about Mr. Frank
at the press
conference last night

and that is all
I have to say.

You just leave her
dead mobster alone!
Right.

He's crossed over.
Piper, what
do you have to say

about reports speculating
that there was mob involvement
in the fire at your hotel?

What fire at my hotel?

Ma'am, it's blazing
out of control.

What? Are you sure?
Well, it's never
done that before.

Bill, did you hear that?
Well, yeah, it's...

What does that mean?
It's okay. It'll be
all right. Yeah.

What are you saying,
it's all right?

But apparently,
it's not all right.

The Grayson Casino
and Hotel is still in flames
after firefighters

barely had time
to evacuate.

My mother warned me.
Never trust a man!

No fire insurance!
Listen, honey I...

You would think,
with a name like Bill,

you'd know
how to pay one!

No touching. No touching.
Please. Come on.

No, no, no.
You can't be
that stupid enough...

This is a delight!
You couldn't pay for
that kind of publicity.

Gavin, don't you think
this is gonna be a bit
of a setback for Piper?

They had to sedate
her and everything.

Cheryl. Look, I can't help it
if that lame-o husband of hers

didn't renew their
fire insurance. Cheryl!

Flowers to Piper.
"Sorry about your hotel.

"One door closes,
another one opens.

"Blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah. Sincerely."

You want your
name on the card?

No! Yeah, sure if
there's room put it on.

But put "love."
"Love, Wes."

Still in the doghouse?
Yeah, I guess so.

Oh. Feeling blue?
Yeah, kind of.

Well, it wasn't
your fault, you know.

Tell Mama.
Tell Mama all, huh?
Why?

Poor little Bill,
so sad, so blue.

His wife's a Girl Scout.
Such bad wigs, too.

Is my boy Bill
in the naughty
husband house?

Yes. Yes.

You know,
I've always found you
very attractive, Bill.

Oh, Addie, I'm...
I'm sure you'd
like to relax a bit.

Pick up, pick up, pick up.

Pick up...

Piper! Are you awake?
Well, get awake.
I know, I know.

Shut up and listen
to me for a minute.
Get the hell out of bed...

Yeah, yeah, you heard me.
If you don't, Addie's
gonna seduce your husband,

just like she seduced
Dick behind my back.

- ...like martinis?
- I do.

Peach martinis?
No.

What kind of...
Oh, Bill?

Honey, I've been thinking.
I didn't like that old hotel

and we shouldn't
let anything get
in the way of us.

Particularly not some
cheap, tacky, liposuctioned,
talentless, off-key,

old-bit building,
with liver spots
all over its arms.

Honey, can Bill, Jr.
come out and play the
magic flute for little Piper?

We don't need a hotel.
We just need a hotel room.

You don't have to
ask me twice, baby.
I love you.

Oh...

as clotted cream

Well, if I've got
the make-up of a drag queen,
you've got the shoulders.

Hi.
Hi. Hello.

Morning.
Hello. Hello. Hi. Hi.

The network brass and,
more importantly, the
major sponsors are here

for the run-through.
Right.

So, let me see.
How can I put this?
What's that word again?

Oh, I see. Yeah.
This better
not suck, okay?

Whatever happened
to "break a leg"?

I need this to be good.

I got advertisers
coming out of my keester.

You should
have that looked at.

Oh, somebody's
growing a backbone.

Break a leg.

And now, ladies and
gentlemen, may I present
the very first run-through

of our salute to Boy Crazy?

Playback.

the winter's cold wind blows

to warm your toes?

in the wildest snow

Snow. Cue snow.

Where's the snow?

that they dance

Get away from me!

This is not what
we rehearsed.

That's great.
Hey, it's good news.

Really, the doctor
told me that

Piper will cough up
acrylic snow for a little bit,
but that's it.

The flakes are
completely out
of Addie's eyes.

So her right cornea
is a little scratched.

Her vision will be
a little blurry.

And my mom's just
being treated for minor
abrasions. It's fine.

Yeah, I don't know
if we're gonna be
able to do this.

No?
It's a mess.

Yeah. You can't
start the show
with that number.

It's a train wreck.

You know, Wesley,
I'd say you were
a disappointment,

but that would imply
that I expected more
from you.

Hold on a second.
I just thought of something.
Can you detail cars?

Do you ever get
tired of being
such a maggot?

No, I love it.
We're on the air with
this thing in two days.

I'll see you
in your trailer ASAP.

Thank you, ladies.
Great effort.

Aye, aye, matey.

Oh, Wesley, Wesley,
please don't be depressed.

Everything's gonna be
fine. These things have
a way of working out.

Did I ever tell you that
you remind me of that
great director, Billy Wilder?

Oh, Addie, no.

Well, I just want to
thank you for bringing
joy back into my life.

And giving me faith again
in the power of entertainment.

Mmm.

Mmm. Thank you.

You're very welcome.

Mother. Mother, wait up.

Mother. Kate.

Billy? It's Billy Wilder,
for goodness's sakes!

I didn't recognize you

without your
star of choice,
Addie, the suck-up.

Please. She was
just being nice.

"Being nice."

What you call being nice,
I call blowing
smoke up your butt.

All she wants is
to get the best shots
in the special, Wesley.

God forbid you treated
me a little better.

I am having a bad
enough day as it is.

I really don't need
any more grief.

I'm just trying
to protect you.

She did the same thing
with Dick Preston on the
movie in the first place.

Oh, for Pete's sake.
Stop being such
a control freak.

Act like a mother.
What would you know
about mothering?

You're just
feeding his ego.
What ego?

You squashed that
down years ago.

You're just jealous
because you
don't have a son.

All you've ever had
are boyfriends.

And now that you've
killed the last one,

you're finally realizing
that family is everything.

And since it's much
too late for you to ever
start one of your own,

you're trying
to steal mine.

I don't want to steal
your precious son.

Although it wouldn't be
too difficult, considering
how you treat him.

At least I know
how to be charming
to people

and I'm younger
and better looking
than you.

Darling, you were
stealing husbands
long before I was born.

Really?
Really.

Well, if you're so stunning,
with all those liver spots
that you call freckles,

how come Dick
left you for me, huh?

And you wouldn't look
quite so cutesy pie

without that stupid wig!
Aw! Stop it.

Leave me alone,
you skinny
little mutant!

And Dick Preston
did not leave me.

He sensed that
I was going to leave,

and he left first
in order to save face.

Well, you've never
been able to face
what really happened.

You have never been
able to face anything.

And what is that
supposed to mean?

Let me tell you something
that you have never faced.

Wesley bats
for the other team.

And I don't mean baseball.

What the hell
are you talking about?

Kate, your son is gay.

That is ridiculous.

No. What is ridiculous
is that you have
never noticed.

Did Wesley tell you this?

Wesley didn't
have to tell me that.

Anyone with an ounce of
sensitivity can see it.

Where are you going?
To Wesley.

Don't tell him I told you.

Kiss ass.

Slag.

That was not
a run-through.
Okay?

No, no. Actually,
that was a stampede.

No, a stampede would
require a real director.

You couldn't direct
traffic, you know that?

You can't even... What?

It's Wesley's mother.
Busy, Mother.

No, it's important.
In a meeting.

Wesley, what could
possibly be so...
Gavin.

Hello, boys.
We need to talk.

What do you want, Mother?
What? Do I have to
want something?

Isn't it all right if
I just want to come and
talk to my talented son?

If you are
complimenting me,
you want something.

Well, you are doing
a fantastic job, dear.
You are.

We all are.
This must really
be important.

Is one of us dying?
No!

But apparently
one of us is gay.

And who told you that?

Wesley, I think
it's wonderful, dear.

You know,
being in show business,

I've been around
gay people all my life.

I sensed it. A mother
knows these things.

All right, Addie told me.

But I am your mother.

I know. Can I get
back to work now?

No, I mean it.

I am your mother.

You're obviously driving
at something here

and you are so good
at being blunt.

So why don't you just
come out and say it,
so I can go back in there

and get yelled at
some more? Okay?
I said it.

I am your mother.

And?
And...

Dick Preston was
your father.

What are you saying?

My dear, I don't know
how many other ways
I can say this.

You are actually my son.

You are actually
the son of Dick Preston.

We had you together.
Do you understand?

And you're gay
and we've all had
our little secrets.

You are saying
that I'm not adopted?

That's right.

You're saying
that Dick Preston
was my father?

Right.

And that you are...

Your mother.

And you're telling me
all of this now

to get back at me
for not telling you
that I was gay?

Or because
Addie told you?

No. Don't you...
Please don't get upset.

Don't get upset?
Why would I get upset?
You wait half of my life

to tell me that
I am not adopted

and that you
are my actual,

real birth mother

and that Dick Preston
was my father...
And he's dead now!

Oh.

"I'm sorry,
I forgot to mention
you do have a father,

"but you don't
really have a father

"because your father
is dead!
Don't get upset!"

Wesley! Come on, now.

I'm gonna go
to my meeting now.

This is no time to...
Wesley! Wesley!

Dear, dear, dear,
dear, stop shrieking.

You'll ruin
your vocal cords.

And besides that,
everyone will hear.

Well, I certainly heard.

So, Dick Preston
fathered your child.

You devious slut!

Wesley's Dick's boy?

So you deprived Wesley
of a father all his life

because he dumped
you for me?

You are jealous
because I had a child
with Dick Preston

and all you had was sex.

I wish that
in a previous life,

I had ripped out that
vicious tongue of yours
and flung it in the fire.

Oh, please, we can't
go on like this.

We can't go through
all this again.

I can't believe you two
keep on mooning
about Dick Preston,

a man who's been
dead for years

and who, after all,
had a freckled penis.

What?

How the hell
would you know?

Yeah, well,
I wouldn't know.
I wouldn't know.

That's just something
that I heard, you know.

He slept with a lot
of people, you know.

Dick slept with women
who had normal
sexual appetites.

Which you wouldn't
know anything about,
because you're so frigid

you probably never
had an orgasm anyway.

I am not frigid.

And I was having orgasms
at the same time you were.

With Dick Preston.
Satisfied?

You and Dick.

Pretending to be
that little
goody-two-shoes virgin

when you were just
as big a whore as we were.

Dick came to me after
he was sick to death
of the two of you.

He needed to be
around someone
with a little class.

A little is right.
A very little.

Well, at least
I have some.

Which is more
than you can say.

You silly,
dried-up bimbo!

I hate you! That is so...
Stop that! Give me that!

Stop it. Quit it. Quit it.
Don't hit me!

That is so... Stop it.
You made my child
fatherless.

Stop it. Stop it.

Stop it. Stop it!

Stop it!
That's it. That's it.
Nothing is worth this.

I'm pulling the plug
on this sucker.

You're all officially
out of a job.

Especially you.
Tom, put on a rerun
of the Susan Lucci movie

and release a statement
to the press saying

that whatever talent
these ladies had,

they've lost,
along with their minds, and
their looks, and my interest.

Oh, no. No.
Thanks.

You know, the three of you
are so bitter about crap
that happened so long ago,

you don't even realize
what was supposed
to happen here.

You're the stars of a movie
that the whole country has
fallen in love with again

and you don't even care!

Boy Crazywas a movie
about the joy and the love
that three friends could have

for each other,
and the three of you

are just the worst
ambassador of that message

that the world
will ever know.

Wesley! Dear heart!
Love apple!

Oh, my God.
I think she's having
a heart attack.

No, she's crying,
I think.

Don't be silly.
I've never seen her cry.

Me neither.
But I remember hearing
that she tried that once

in the Gregory Peck movie,

and she had this
slice of onion to stick
it in her eye and...

Oh, please! I told Wesley
that he was my real son

in the most horrible
and bizarre way.

And now we've lost our jobs
and he's lost his job and...

God, he'll never
speak to me again.

There, there,
you didn't mean to
tell him in that way.

No. No, no,
you're far too
elegant for that.

You would've sent him
a perfumed note
or something.

Yes, right.
That's right.

You know, I was
thinking last night,

you know, I was alone
and I couldn't sleep, so
I rented some of Wesley's...

Those presidential
documentaries
about mothers,

you know,
famous mothers.

And it struck me
that they're always
famous mothers like us,

that they're always very
doting, and they always
put their families first.

Oh, Piper,
that is so profound.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I see that now.

I'm seeing it
so much more clearly.

He needs me.
That's what he needs.

It's the truth.
You know, sweetie,

I've had four children
and you know what?

What?
You can fix this
thing with Wesley.

No. No. Well,
let me be clear. No.

We will take
a salary cut.

There's
nothing left to cut.

Because you ate it all up
in added expenses
with your custom gowns

and your wig makers
and your waxing.

Well, in our days, those
things would have been
picked up by the studio.

Oh, okay. Well, I guess
you've been too busy
screaming at each other

to realize that
night has kind of
fallen on your day.

Pithy, but rude.

You know, Gavin,
when you're rude

your eyes sparkle
like a naughty little boy,

and I want to
hold you to my breast

and sing you
Irish lullabies...

your pipes are calling

All right. Gavin,
we are really,
really sorry.

And we are never
really, really sorry
about anything.

We will be nice to people.
You'll see.
You know, upbeat. Peppy.

Peppy. Yeah.
No, no and
a big fat no.

But Gavin, we love
show business.
It's all we know.

And if we
can't perform,
we will die.

Yeah. And
you'll be blamed.

What we really want
is just one more
moment in the sun.

One more dance
in the limelight.

We can't be ourselves
unless we're in front
of an audience.

Oh, that is exactly
how I feel!
Me, too!

Really?
Really.

You didn't
tell me that.
I love it!

It's who we are.
Come here.

Look what you've done.
Yes, you did it.

I have never
heard Wesley so upset.

When I told him
the show was back on,
he still hung up on me.

Will you relax?
You're gonna
wreck my car.

Just don't
worry about it.

If we can convince
that awful Gavin fellow
to do the show,

then Wesley's a cinch.
All right.

Hey, it's Piper Grayson!
Check it, check it out, man.

What's your name, dear?

if you can sing

with no excuses

if you can play

Sir, excuse me.
Not now.

Sir. Sir!

D.J.: Got it.
Hello.

Oh, no.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Attention please.

Has anyone seen my son,
Wesley Westbourne?

Hide me.
He's over here!

Judas.

You're gonna
have to see her
sooner or later.

I just...
I wanna say hi.

- Piper!
- Hi, boys.

Hello, boys.
I dressed
like you for Halloween!

You look
really good.
Great outfit.

You remember me?

You, Wesley.

Hi, Wesley.
We've been looking
for you everywhere,

and we really had
quite a time finding you.

What was the name
of the place

that we particularly
liked called the...
The Toy Box.

No, she means
the Tool Box.
Yeah.

So, could I talk
with you please,
Wesley?

There's so many people here.

Oh, yeah!
Hi!

Can you...
Do something!
Okay, okay.

Distract them!
I don't know.

You ain't
seen nothing...

Come.
What?

Hi, Kate.
Hi, Kate.

Thank you!

That's it.

all your cares away

for the judgment day

to take your hand

to the promised land

When I first found out
I was going to have a baby,
I was so overjoyed.

But, in those days,
if you weren't married

and you were pregnant,
it was a scandal.

And if you were
a movie star,
your career was over.

So, I wouldn't have
been able to afford you.

So instead of
giving you up for adoption,
I pretended to adopt you.

I have to know.
How did you
pull this off?

Oh.

I went to Europe.
I faked a phony illness.

Got lots of fluffy,
big clothes.

And when I came back,
I had this beautiful
baby boy from the Ukraine.

And you never told me
any of this because...

on the other side

all your cares away

...to adopt you,
that's why.

for the judgment day

all you cares away

for the judgment day

Every time I try to
get close to you,
you run.

Every day I meant to
tell you. And every day
that I didn't tell you,

the not-telling-you
got bigger.

And you sensed
that I was holding
something back.

And that's the way
it became between us.

So all those times
you tried to tell me,
you just felt guilty.

And when I felt guilty,
I resented you.

on the other side

Wesley, I was wrong.

And I can't forgive myself
until you forgive me.

Please, son.

All right.
I will forgive you.

Under one condition.

Anything.

I wanna hear you say,
"I was wrong."

One more time.

I was wrong.

Mmm-hmm.
Now do me
a favor, please?

What's that?

Hug your mother.

Okay.

to take your hand

Thank you, Ralph!
Did he forgive you?

Yes!

Come on, guys.

...this row. I need you to
follow the spot on the ladies
all the way down the stairs.

And, Eric, for crying
out loud, you gotta fix
these cracks in the stage.

The ladies are gonna trip.
They're wearing heels.

Wesley, say hello
to Mr. Stern, the
Chairman of the network.

Hello.
How do you do?

Kate and Piper are
on their way. I'm just
gonna go look for Addie.

When Gavin told me
his idea for the special,
I was a little skeptical.

But then when the sponsors
started fighting for time,
I changed my tune.

Gas Go Bye Bye
and Denture Grab,
Tinkle Pads.

I told Gavin today,
he's getting a huge bonus.

Well, you must
be so proud.

Ah. Here they are,
Mr. Stern.
Hello!

Two of our
shining stars.
Piper. Kate.

Hello.

I am a huge fan.

And, Piper, I wanted
to marry Tammy

like every other
man in America.

And, Kate, if there's
anything to this
past life thing,

I sure hope that
we were lovers
in another life.

I'm certain of it.
You were Charlemagne.

Well, thank you.

And I still have
the Playboycenterfold that
Addie did a few years ago.

Oh, I'm sure she'd
love to talk to you
about her spread.

I'll go get her,
shall I?

Oh, I'd like that.

And I was just starting
to like you a little.
Come on, Bill.

Wait a minute.
You've got it
all wrong, as usual.

Have I?
Well, honey, her
zipper got stuck. I...

We're going.
No show is worth
losing your husband.

Don't be so melodramatic.

You've had your eye
on my Bill ever since
you killed your boyfriend

with your lethal genitals.

He was just helping me
unzip my dress.

We're going.
Well, honey,
wait a minute, now.

Lethal what?
What does that mean?

Now listen to me...
Piper.

All I did was walk
past her door...

I'm not gonna lose
another husband
to that hussie.

She stuck her
head out and said,

could I help her?
We are leaving.

Honey, listen to me.

It was only my zipper.

Wait! Wait!

Gavin? Problem.

Fix this.
Or you'll be selling
Tinkle Pads door to door.

A heart attack.
I can't believe it.

Who cares what
you believe,
you tramp?

No wonder they call
you the British Open.

Should have been her,
she's the oldest.

By whose clock,
prune face?

Pot calling kettle?

Ladies. It's a sad
day for all of us.

Beryl Mason has died.

Oh, my God.
Our agent!

When she heard
you walked off the show,
she had a heart attack.

Rose rushed her
to the hospital

and I called you
as soon as I heard
the news.

By the time we got here,
she was in intensive care

and she died
in Wesley's arms.

Oh, son.

But before she died,

she used every ounce
of her strength and
she told us her last wish.

Yeah. Yeah, she raised
herself up on her elbow

and clasped his hand...

And then she said,
I'll never forget this.
Yeah.

She said,
"You tell those divas

"the show must go on."

What does this
do to my karma?

Oh, just like a scene from
a Barbara Stanwyck movie.

Then we're murderers.

So what do you say?

Well, Gavin, I'm in.

I'm in if
she apologizes.

Who are we kidding?
Let's just do it.

Let's not have
any more death.

I'm sorry, Piper.
I'm really sorry.
Really.

It's okay.
Do you mean it?

It's okay.

Truce.

Truce.

To Beryl.
Most brilliant,
wonderful...

...ruthless...
...boy crazy agent
who ever lived.

We'll see you
in the next life, Beryl.

Unless I see you first.

Thanks, Beryl.
Wesley, you tricked us.

I am so proud of you!
You bad boy!

Places, people.
I'm sure this is all
very touching, girls,

but we're live
in two minutes.
Oh, yes.

Break a leg, ladies.
Go. Go.

Cue 17
and two counts. Go.

That's my spot.
Yep.

Performers
on stage. Places, dancers.
We're live in 30 seconds.

Role video playback.

on a trip and it's been

Ladies and
gentlemen, welcome to
the special reunion of

Boy Crazy.
The girls are back.

and then you're high again

and down again

steals away your lover

if he'd been around

and then you win again

and need a tuck again

favorite dream go under

you're so mad at friends

have passed and you

kicking butt

then you're back
strutting it

and still you're cutting it

Yeah!

We're out to commercial.

We're back live
in three minutes.

Yeah, come on,
come on, Beryl.
Come, come, come.

Come on.

Get off your asses
for these old broads!