All language subtitles for Republic of Doyle S02E03 A Stand Up Guy 1080p PCOK WEB-DL DDP5 1 H264-WhiteHat_track3_[eng]11

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,754 --> 00:00:07,424 [j.J.] I've been away a long Time newfoundland, a long time! 2 00:00:07,465 --> 00:00:09,092 I'm happy to be back though! 3 00:00:09,134 --> 00:00:12,554 Thank you. You found some Offshore oil though, didn't ya? 4 00:00:15,181 --> 00:00:17,159 [j.J.] and people don't know What to do about the money. 5 00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:18,661 They don't know what To do with the money. 6 00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:22,480 The people don't know what to Do with the money. They don't. 7 00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:27,485 I saw a guy driving down Water street in a porsche, 8 00:00:27,527 --> 00:00:31,698 Inside a ferrari, Stuffed into a hummer. Yes. 9 00:00:31,740 --> 00:00:34,075 [jake] so what, This guy gets a stalker, 10 00:00:34,117 --> 00:00:37,912 Now we gotta babysit Him? That's just dandy. 11 00:00:37,954 --> 00:00:41,499 [stan] soak it in, boys. That There is a legend. Stan bittman. 12 00:00:41,541 --> 00:00:44,169 J.J.'s manager. Thanks for coming in. 13 00:00:44,210 --> 00:00:48,506 [j.J.] be smart about it. Use the money well. Build a bridge or something. 14 00:00:48,548 --> 00:00:50,717 You know, get your Mountains done. 15 00:00:50,759 --> 00:00:54,471 Bang those little french islands That you've had your eye on. 16 00:00:54,512 --> 00:00:57,223 [jake] I'm jake doyle. This is my father, malachy. 17 00:00:57,265 --> 00:00:58,975 [mal] seems you picked Up a stalker. 18 00:00:59,017 --> 00:01:00,769 [stan] yeah, ever since We landed last week. 19 00:01:00,810 --> 00:01:03,456 Well, we're trying to Keep in on the q.T. He's up For this big us pilot. 20 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:06,566 But he's over reacting if you Ask me. It's when they stop 21 00:01:06,608 --> 00:01:09,277 Stalking you, that's, that's When you worry... One, one sec. 22 00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:11,321 [jake] tv pilot, huh? 23 00:01:11,363 --> 00:01:16,283 [stan] uh, the shows based on Squid dude. Okay? Huge hit for J.J. Back in the day. 24 00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:18,912 [mal] ah! Squid dude? Lock it down! 25 00:01:18,953 --> 00:01:20,872 [stan] that was the catch Phrase, yeah. 26 00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:24,793 [j.J.] the pilot has one more Thing to say, lock it down! 27 00:01:24,834 --> 00:01:28,755 [audience member] j.J.! 28 00:01:28,797 --> 00:01:31,716 [j.J.] thank you, newfoundland! 29 00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:33,259 That's all I got! 30 00:01:33,301 --> 00:01:35,220 [kent] j.J. Murphy, Ladies and gentlemen! 31 00:01:39,182 --> 00:01:42,435 [kent] it was a pleasure Having j.J. On my stage. 32 00:01:42,477 --> 00:01:44,020 Now, uh, don't go away. [j.J.] woah. 33 00:01:44,062 --> 00:01:45,665 We'll have a short break And then we'll have 34 00:01:45,689 --> 00:01:47,416 Some of newfoundland's Finest young comics. [ryan] j.J.! 35 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:49,567 Yo, you gotta sign This. I love you, man. 36 00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:52,487 [kent] 20% off white russians All night. Enjoy! 37 00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:54,048 [j.J.] uh, what's your name Sweetheart? 38 00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:54,948 [annette] annette. 39 00:01:54,989 --> 00:01:56,449 [j.J.] uh, hi. 40 00:01:56,491 --> 00:01:59,202 [ryan] j.J. Great act. We love You! Can you sign that? Look! 41 00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:00,704 [j.J.] yeah. 42 00:02:00,745 --> 00:02:02,264 [ryan] can you sign that for me, Please, please. 43 00:02:02,288 --> 00:02:05,583 [j.J.] okay, I gotta go. Thank you. [ryan] please, j.J., j.J.! 44 00:02:08,127 --> 00:02:13,008 [j.J.] ah! That was a disaster! 45 00:02:13,049 --> 00:02:17,095 You don't light me from Above like that! I look like a troll doll! 46 00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:18,322 [kent] still the same, huh, j.J? 47 00:02:18,346 --> 00:02:20,598 It's nice to see That you've mellowed! 48 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,642 [j.J.] oh-ha, you want me to Be nice now, kent, 49 00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:24,453 Look at how well That worked out in your life. 50 00:02:24,477 --> 00:02:29,315 What's with this 20% off The gate crap? You know my deal, My fee, plus 80%. 51 00:02:29,357 --> 00:02:33,987 [kent] tonight's box went to Charity, j.J. I don't know why I let you come into my club. 52 00:02:34,029 --> 00:02:36,448 [j.J.] let me? Let me... You begged me. 53 00:02:36,489 --> 00:02:39,826 [kent] beg? Ah, come... I don't need this crap! 54 00:02:39,868 --> 00:02:41,887 [j.J.] are you going now? [jake] now, this is a show. 55 00:02:41,911 --> 00:02:44,890 [j.J.] you gonna leave all This glass here? You wanna see Me cut myself, is that it? 56 00:02:44,914 --> 00:02:47,459 [stan] tyler, can you go Clean that up? [tyler] no problem. 57 00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:49,836 [j.J.] I... [stan] p.I.'s you told me To hire. 58 00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:52,839 [j.J.] hardcastle and mccormick, Right? Right. 59 00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:55,466 Okay, I need someone to keep The dingdongs away from me. 60 00:02:55,508 --> 00:02:57,177 Anyone certifiable show Them to the door. 61 00:02:57,218 --> 00:02:59,554 [jake] we're detectives. We don't do security. 62 00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:02,474 [j.J.] aw, sensitive body Guards. Just what I was Looking for. 63 00:03:02,515 --> 00:03:05,727 Find the stalker and Shut him up, okay? 64 00:03:05,769 --> 00:03:09,439 [jake] well we just... We need to Ask you a couple of questions. 65 00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:11,161 [stan] you can direct your Questions to me. 66 00:03:16,279 --> 00:03:18,865 [j.J.] get that thing Out of here! 67 00:03:18,907 --> 00:03:20,617 [jake] now that's funny. 68 00:03:24,245 --> 00:03:25,245 [j.J.] aw. 69 00:03:30,669 --> 00:03:33,672 ♪oh yeah♪ ♪oh yeah♪ 70 00:03:33,713 --> 00:03:36,675 ♪oh yeah♪ ♪oh yeah♪ 71 00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:40,178 ♪oh, yeah-e-yeah-e-yeah-e-yeah♪ 72 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:43,014 ♪oh, yeah-e-yeah-e-yeah-e-yeah♪ 73 00:03:43,055 --> 00:03:44,391 ♪oh yeah♪ 74 00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:50,748 [j.J.] as if being on this god Forsaken rock wasn't enough. 75 00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:52,524 I hate clowns! Stan, I hate 'em! 76 00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:54,984 [stan] I know, j.J., Just try to stay calm. 77 00:03:55,026 --> 00:03:57,737 [j.J.] look, I wanted to get my Game back in front of morons 78 00:03:57,779 --> 00:04:00,699 Who don't know better then work My way back to real cities. 79 00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:02,718 [stan] hiring private Investigators is A tad excessive. 80 00:04:02,742 --> 00:04:04,703 [j.J.] no. Keep this stalker, Whatever, quiet. 81 00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:05,662 [jake] quiet? What do you mean? 82 00:04:05,704 --> 00:04:07,580 [j.J.] so we don't spook The network. 83 00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:09,225 [stan] the execs are coming Up this weekend. 84 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:11,352 [jake] right, but, having A stalker, isn't that A good thing? 85 00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:13,211 Make you seem more Important, or whatever? 86 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:18,507 [j.J.] okay. Now the sensitive Body guard is giving me Show biz advice. 87 00:04:18,550 --> 00:04:22,804 Allow me to reciprocate, Find the stalker! 88 00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:24,931 [jake] "Dead men don't laugh." 89 00:04:24,973 --> 00:04:26,391 [mal] any idea what This note means? 90 00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:29,394 [j.J.] no. But the logic holds Up, wouldn't you say? 91 00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:30,979 [tyler] it's pam, network. 92 00:04:31,021 --> 00:04:35,442 [j.J.] pamcakes! Yeah. No, no, No. I couldn't be better, 93 00:04:35,483 --> 00:04:37,444 Unless I was in a Bathtub with you! 94 00:04:37,485 --> 00:04:39,571 [tyler] I'm, uh, tyler. [mal] mal. 95 00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:41,966 [tyler] the bottle washer Around here, and cook, And pillow fluffer. 96 00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:44,117 J.J. May seem like a Jerk, but he's actually cool. 97 00:04:44,159 --> 00:04:46,119 [mal] oh, you wanna be a Comic, tyler? 98 00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:48,580 [tyler] I am a comedian, And a screenwriter. 99 00:04:48,621 --> 00:04:50,415 The world just Doesn't know it yet. 100 00:04:50,457 --> 00:04:54,252 [j.J.] tyler! Food! Stan, Bring the car around, moron! 101 00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:55,670 Don't be a moron like stan. 102 00:04:55,712 --> 00:04:56,796 [tyler] I won't. 103 00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:58,798 [j.J.] and 25 new jokes For breakfast, okay? 104 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:00,568 None of that "Newfie" crap. They hate that here. 105 00:05:00,592 --> 00:05:02,635 [tyler] no "Newfie", Okay, got it. 106 00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:04,238 [j.J.] okay. Let's find The maniac stalker 107 00:05:04,262 --> 00:05:06,723 Before the network gets Here on saturday. 108 00:05:06,765 --> 00:05:09,017 [jake] this might be A stupid question, but, um, 109 00:05:09,059 --> 00:05:12,228 Do you know of anyone who might Have a grudge against you? Or? 110 00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:16,983 [j.J.] just google me to find Out, hotshot. Find the freak. 111 00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:21,237 [mal] look. There's Our club owner, kent. 112 00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:23,406 [jake] look at that Hair. "Catfud." 113 00:05:23,448 --> 00:05:26,159 Nothing says the 80's Like a mount pearl curl, huh. 114 00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:34,751 [leslie] hey. How are ya? 115 00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:42,050 Good. Yeah, me too. 116 00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:47,013 Uh, listen, I'll have to... I'll Call you back later. Bye. 117 00:05:47,055 --> 00:05:50,933 [hood] I put honey in instead of Sugar. It's better for you. 118 00:05:50,975 --> 00:05:53,269 You're all smiles. 119 00:05:53,311 --> 00:05:54,270 [leslie] what. So? 120 00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:56,356 [hood] I'm just saying. You look happy. 121 00:05:56,398 --> 00:05:58,876 [leslie] frankly, it's none of Your business. I'm your partner; 122 00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:02,612 Not your little sister, Not your wife. Got me? 123 00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:06,717 [chantel] I talked to dylan. 124 00:06:06,741 --> 00:06:08,910 He's prime to buy The whole crop. 125 00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:11,496 [tinny] dylan? The guy who Stiffed you for the equipment? 126 00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:12,765 That's who you want to sell to? 127 00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:14,791 [chantel] he's the only dealer I know. 128 00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:17,627 [tinny] he can't come here. No one can. 129 00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:21,506 [chantel] I already texted him The address. He isn't mad that You kicked him in the nads. 130 00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:24,634 [tinny] what part of secret Underground drug operation Didn't you get? 131 00:06:24,676 --> 00:06:28,596 [chantel] he thinks you're cute. You could think about having Some fun once in a while. 132 00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:33,018 His car's in right-hand drive, And you wanna go to london. It's karma. 133 00:06:33,058 --> 00:06:35,145 [tinny] you're an idiot. 134 00:06:35,186 --> 00:06:38,648 [chantel] and I'm Your best friend. What's that say about you? 135 00:06:45,488 --> 00:06:46,865 [mal] enemies of j.J. Murphy? 136 00:06:46,906 --> 00:06:48,676 [jake] I just met the guy and I want to kill him. 137 00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:52,412 [des] so this is the stuff They've gotten from the stalker? 138 00:06:52,454 --> 00:06:54,247 [jake] is that mould? 139 00:06:54,289 --> 00:06:56,933 [des] j.J.'s a bit of a Germaphobe. The stalker's Trying to freak him out. 140 00:06:56,957 --> 00:06:59,127 [rose] plus the stole some Clothes and hair brush. 141 00:06:59,169 --> 00:07:01,921 [des] you know, if I was A stalker, I'd go for The good stuff like, 142 00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:03,899 You know, like a journal, You know a cute picture. Or 143 00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:08,136 That pretty anklet She always wears. 144 00:07:08,178 --> 00:07:12,057 I mean he wears. I mean, Yes, yes, what? 145 00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:14,642 [jake] maybe the stalker's Someone j.J. Knows, like, uh, 146 00:07:14,684 --> 00:07:16,144 An ex-girlfriend or something? 147 00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:17,955 [des] marlon brando had a Stalker who wanted to kill 148 00:07:17,979 --> 00:07:22,734 And eat him... Oh my god! Is that a clown in a jar? 149 00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,944 [rose] guys? Okay, Check this out, 150 00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:28,073 "Dead men don't laugh." That's a strange threat, Don't you think? 151 00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:29,216 [jake] you didn't see his act. 152 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,284 [mal] whatcha dig up About ol' j.J.? 153 00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:33,870 [rose] well, uh, never been Married. No family to speak of. 154 00:07:33,912 --> 00:07:36,289 Left the island about 26 years Ago, moved to new york, 155 00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:38,500 Hit it big with Squid dude on snl. 156 00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:40,085 [des] lock it down! 157 00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:42,545 [des] that one sketch Where squid dude, 158 00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:46,925 And he's so nervous and he keeps Lockin' the prison down. 159 00:07:46,966 --> 00:07:49,844 It's his, it's his, uh, Best, best work, I think. 160 00:07:49,886 --> 00:07:51,137 [mal] what about j.J.'s staff? 161 00:07:51,179 --> 00:07:54,099 [rose] manager here has been With him for 5 years. 162 00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:56,601 Single-handedly got j.J. Back Into the main stream. And then 163 00:07:56,643 --> 00:08:02,065 Tyler is the third intern hired In a year. And this guy, kent, 164 00:08:02,107 --> 00:08:05,026 Club owner. He and j.J. Used to Have a comedy act together, 165 00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:07,529 And j.J. Dumped him When he hit it big. 166 00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:09,656 [jake] what about mrs. With the, Uh, hair? 167 00:08:09,698 --> 00:08:13,243 [rose] rhonda stride. I cannot Find anything on her. It's like She disappeared. 168 00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:16,121 [jake] alright, father, Let's start at the beginning I suppose. 169 00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:17,162 [mal] yeah. 170 00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:21,668 [jake] so kent's his old improv Partner, so what? 171 00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:23,670 [mal] we should talk to him. 172 00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:28,717 [jake] uh, just give me a Second, alright? Hey there. 173 00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:33,179 [allison] hi. Staking out Parking meters? That's good, No job too small, huh? 174 00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:37,933 [jake] yeah, huh. Well This is, uh, a real Coincidence seeing you here. 175 00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:43,815 Why is it I, uh, Always feel so nervous Around you? 176 00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:45,608 [allison] you're nervous Around me? 177 00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:52,240 [jake] maybe its, um, because You're such a powerful type. Person, woman. 178 00:08:52,282 --> 00:08:55,577 [allison] and do you have a Problem with powerful Person women? 179 00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:58,079 [jake] well not in general. I Mean, I don't have a problem 180 00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:01,332 With powerful people at all, Unless they're, of course, Meat heads. 181 00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,209 [allison] eloquent. 182 00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:09,174 [jake] let's go out. Seriously. 183 00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:11,551 [allison] that's it? That's your pitch? 184 00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:12,552 [jake] yeah. 185 00:09:12,594 --> 00:09:14,155 [allison] does that usually work For you? 186 00:09:14,179 --> 00:09:15,347 [jake] nope. 187 00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:17,390 [allison] but you keep trying. 188 00:09:17,432 --> 00:09:19,142 Practice makes perfect. 189 00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:24,689 [jake] what? 190 00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:27,001 [mal] take your ball And go home, son. She's out of your league. 191 00:09:27,025 --> 00:09:30,046 [jake] you know, it's your Constant support that sees Me through the troubling times. 192 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,404 [mal] I do what I can. 193 00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:35,825 Zero chance with that Lawyer. Zero. 194 00:09:35,867 --> 00:09:38,453 [jake] those, uh, how to Inspire your family tapes, 195 00:09:38,495 --> 00:09:40,413 They're really paying off. 196 00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:41,706 [mal] no hope. 197 00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:44,709 [kent] that's good. [photographer] yeah. 198 00:09:48,797 --> 00:09:50,757 [kent] box office doesn't open Until noon, fellas. 199 00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:53,051 [jake] we work for j.J. Murphy. 200 00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:57,055 This malachy, I'm jake doyle. We were here last night when he Had his little clown incident. 201 00:09:57,097 --> 00:10:01,559 [kent] right. Bodyguards. I remember a time, years ago, 202 00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:04,104 When j.J. Almost wet Himself at the sound of An ice cream truck. 203 00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:06,314 [kent] yeah, 204 00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:10,860 Creepy clown incident. I don't know who's responsible, But whoever it is, 205 00:10:10,902 --> 00:10:13,113 I'm a huge fan. 206 00:10:13,154 --> 00:10:17,784 [jake] really? It wouldn't Have anything to do with an Old "Catfud" grudge, would it? 207 00:10:17,826 --> 00:10:19,661 [kent] that was another life. 208 00:10:19,703 --> 00:10:24,207 [mal] j.J. Makes it big. You run a club. Might make a guy a tad bitter? 209 00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:26,668 [kent] I own the club. He's playin' it. 210 00:10:26,710 --> 00:10:28,628 What goes around, comes around. 211 00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:31,673 [jake] after j.J. Bailed On you, why didn't you, And uh, rhonda here, 212 00:10:31,715 --> 00:10:33,466 Carry on with the troop? 213 00:10:33,508 --> 00:10:36,344 [mal] speaking of rhonda, Do you have any idea Where we might find her? 214 00:10:36,386 --> 00:10:40,432 [kent] no. I haven't seen her in Years. J.J.'s big comeback, 215 00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:43,393 Makes a second fall That much sweeter. 216 00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:53,191 [mal] hey, that's the creepy kid We saw at the club. 217 00:10:54,779 --> 00:10:58,908 [jake] so it is. Hey, buddy. Do you got a sec? I just need to talk... 218 00:11:00,118 --> 00:11:02,495 To... You. 219 00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:18,795 [jake] hey! Kid! I thought you Wanted to meet j.J. I can Introduce you if you like. 220 00:11:20,055 --> 00:11:26,770 He's a swell guy. Maybe I Can get you an autograph? 221 00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:34,611 [mal] so you lost him, did ya? Coulda made that happen myself. 222 00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:38,573 [jake] ah-ha-ha. Look What he left behind. Vintage j.J. Material. 223 00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:40,551 [mal] he musta been pretty Scared off to leave it. 224 00:11:40,575 --> 00:11:44,537 [stan] hey, hey, hey leah! Is That our garbage? 225 00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:46,331 [leah] you got your job, stan, I got mine. 226 00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:51,378 [stan] get outa here! And you, You are so fired. 227 00:11:51,419 --> 00:11:54,130 [mal] I can see why they call it The entertainment business. 228 00:11:56,341 --> 00:12:03,223 [j.J.] more, more, more. 229 00:12:03,264 --> 00:12:06,601 Too much! Scrape it off. 230 00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:09,270 Not with your finger. 231 00:12:09,312 --> 00:12:14,984 Leah jordan is a blogger. Leah's lowdown, need I say more? 232 00:12:15,026 --> 00:12:16,277 [mal] what was she looking for? 233 00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:19,239 [j.J.] tyler? Jokes? Whatta ya Got? 234 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,616 [tyler] uh, at dinner, everyone At my house used to ask for 235 00:12:21,658 --> 00:12:23,678 The turkey leg. Dad would say, "What do you think we have here? 236 00:12:23,702 --> 00:12:27,330 Spider?" 237 00:12:27,372 --> 00:12:28,748 [j.J.] pass. 238 00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:31,084 [tyler] one time I was on a Plane, about to land... 239 00:12:31,126 --> 00:12:34,212 [j.J.] awful, just awful! You're getting worse. They're just terrible. 240 00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:36,089 Go over there Somewhere. 241 00:12:36,131 --> 00:12:38,258 [jake] hey, don rickles, focus. 242 00:12:38,299 --> 00:12:40,027 Why was leah jordan going Through your trash? 243 00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:41,153 [j.J.] well, how should I know? 244 00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:43,513 [stan] I'm telling ya, She's your stalker. 245 00:12:43,555 --> 00:12:45,890 Why wait for a story, when You could create it yourself? 246 00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:46,951 It's her way of making news. 247 00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:49,310 [jake] yeah? What about Kent and rhonda? 248 00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:51,330 [j.J.] oh, Those two comic hacks. I carried them for 5 years, 249 00:12:51,354 --> 00:12:54,858 And they have a beef with me? They were like leeches. They were like... 250 00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:57,694 [tyler] like leeches Doctors were using them To cure infection. 251 00:12:57,736 --> 00:13:00,238 [j.J.] yes, that's not bad. 252 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,699 That's, that's getting there. 253 00:13:11,249 --> 00:13:13,126 [stan] woah, woah. 254 00:13:13,168 --> 00:13:15,879 [jake] he's still breathing. Tyler, call an ambulance! 255 00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:22,111 [nikki] we pumped his stomach, And we're waiting on The lab results. 256 00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:23,946 [jake] okay, well I'm pretty Sure he was poisoned. 257 00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:25,597 So, if you Find anything, let me know. 258 00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:27,992 [nikki] if I could test The food he was eating, That would be helpful. 259 00:13:28,016 --> 00:13:29,856 [jake] alright, I'll find the Food, no problem. 260 00:13:29,893 --> 00:13:32,562 [nikki] hey, um, if you commit To dinner saturday night, 261 00:13:32,604 --> 00:13:37,734 I will do that for you. Please. David is a really Good guy, jake. 262 00:13:37,776 --> 00:13:42,155 [jake] look, nikki, I can see How dinner with you and your new Fiance, slash divorce lawyer, 263 00:13:42,197 --> 00:13:46,659 Who happened to rob me blind in Our settlement would be fun For you, but me, not so much. 264 00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:51,456 Uh... Fine. 265 00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:56,586 [nikki] great. Saturday, 8. And don't use that Thing in the hospital. 266 00:13:58,380 --> 00:14:02,217 [des] hello? Jake, what are you doing? 267 00:14:02,258 --> 00:14:05,720 Me? I'm slaying Monsters, metaphorically Speaking of course. 268 00:14:05,762 --> 00:14:07,865 [jake] whatever. Des, find the Food that j.J. Was eating and 269 00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:09,849 Bring it to the hospital For nikki, okay? 270 00:14:09,891 --> 00:14:12,370 [des] oh, no, we threw It out, man. J.J. Hates When there's food around. 271 00:14:12,394 --> 00:14:14,604 It's in the garbage. [jake] I don't care! Find it. 272 00:14:14,646 --> 00:14:18,024 The other option is you can sort Through the remnants of j.J.'s Bowel movements. 273 00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:21,778 [des] hey, how would you Like to get into the bowels Of private investigating? 274 00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:25,448 [j.J.] good morning. 275 00:14:25,490 --> 00:14:28,201 [leah] j.J., what happened? Did someone really try To poison you? 276 00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:32,122 [j.J.] no. But I learned Something, if you want To eat endangered species, 277 00:14:32,163 --> 00:14:33,540 Make sure they're declawed. 278 00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:38,145 [leah] it's all a big joke, Isn't it, j.J.? You were poisoned by a stalker. 279 00:14:38,169 --> 00:14:41,589 You've been threatened before? 280 00:14:41,631 --> 00:14:45,194 [j.J.] leah jordan, ladies and Gentlemen, thinks that writing A blog means she's a journalist. 281 00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:47,721 [leah] "Shut up and dance." 282 00:14:47,762 --> 00:14:52,017 "Last chance to leave." "End of the laugh line." 283 00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:55,020 I found these in your garbage, You've been receiving Death threats. 284 00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:57,230 [stan] okay, uh, He's gotta get his rest. 285 00:14:57,272 --> 00:14:59,190 [j.J.] see ya, folks! Lock it down! 286 00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:01,210 [stan] give me those! I'm not Playing with ya, leah. 287 00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:03,236 Next time, I'll have you arrested. 288 00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:12,620 [jake] j.J.'s hiding Something from us. 289 00:15:12,662 --> 00:15:15,373 [mal] question is, why? 290 00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,544 [chantel] tinny? It's dylan. 291 00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:20,920 He's here to see you. 292 00:15:20,962 --> 00:15:22,047 [tinny] you invited him. 293 00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:23,673 [dylan] what's going on, ladies? 294 00:15:23,715 --> 00:15:30,513 It's a beautiful day. What's Going on here? Expert work. 295 00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:32,474 I'm wearing a cup this time. 296 00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:35,685 [tinny] really? You can't tell. 297 00:15:35,727 --> 00:15:39,522 [dylan] you got any beers? You know, make a little Toast to new business? 298 00:15:39,564 --> 00:15:43,443 [chantel] there's, eh uh, peach Cooler in the fridge. 299 00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:45,779 [dylan] oh, uh, call some People, have a little party. 300 00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:47,405 [chantel] sounds great. 301 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,574 [dylan] you cool with that, Tin-tin? 302 00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:54,788 [tinny] just post the grow-op on Facebook, and then every skeet In town can come rip us off. 303 00:15:54,829 --> 00:15:58,667 [dylan] you're funny. I like funny girls. 304 00:15:58,708 --> 00:16:01,461 [tinny] and I like smart guys. 305 00:16:01,503 --> 00:16:05,215 And call me tin-tin again, And you'll need more than A cup to protect you. 306 00:16:06,675 --> 00:16:10,220 [tyler] p.I., sounds cool, I Mean when you're not digging Through garbage. 307 00:16:10,261 --> 00:16:13,723 [des] yeah, it's like, I got this brain, right, 308 00:16:13,765 --> 00:16:18,478 That's just like naturally Inclined towards like, Logic and investigation. 309 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:21,022 It'd be a sin to waste, man. [tyler] uh-huh. 310 00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:25,151 [des] look at this! When will people learn? Our planet, our home! 311 00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:26,986 Sorry. 312 00:16:27,028 --> 00:16:29,072 [tyler] it's okay. 313 00:16:29,114 --> 00:16:31,032 [des] so, uh, You want to be a comedian? 314 00:16:31,074 --> 00:16:33,243 [tyler] yeah. And a screenwriter. 315 00:16:33,284 --> 00:16:35,036 I've got this "Squid dude" script. 316 00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:38,456 J.J.'s gonna read it When he gets a sec. It's all about timing, right? 317 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:41,668 [des] timing, yeah, man. For sure. You know, and skill. 318 00:16:41,710 --> 00:16:44,796 And talent helps. And luck, But it's mostly talent. 319 00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:50,176 [tyler] yo, yo! Check it out. 320 00:16:50,218 --> 00:16:54,180 [des] ah, nice work man! Man. 321 00:16:54,222 --> 00:16:55,598 [tyler] okay, you can have it. 322 00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:58,977 [des] sorry, sorry, man. I just Got a little excited... 323 00:16:59,019 --> 00:17:01,938 Something's alive! Something just touched me! Something just touched me! 324 00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:04,315 [rose] okay. "Leah's lowdown." 325 00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:06,693 She's a big fan of his old Material, and it looks like her 326 00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:09,069 Blog has put him back on the Network radar. 327 00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:10,363 [jake] so she loved him once. 328 00:17:10,405 --> 00:17:12,007 [mal] and now she suddenly hates His guts. 329 00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:13,883 [jake] sounds like every Relationship I've ever had. How 330 00:17:13,907 --> 00:17:17,037 Much you wanna bet that says J.J. Was sleeping with her? It's 331 00:17:17,078 --> 00:17:18,329 Always about the sex. 332 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:19,914 [rose] oh, hell hath no fury. 333 00:17:19,955 --> 00:17:21,458 [jake] like a person dumped. 334 00:17:21,499 --> 00:17:23,877 Exactly. What about rhonda? 335 00:17:23,917 --> 00:17:25,211 [rose] I searched high and low. 336 00:17:25,252 --> 00:17:26,897 There's no rhonda stride Anywhere on this island. Maybe 337 00:17:26,921 --> 00:17:28,923 She changed her name? 338 00:17:28,965 --> 00:17:31,152 [jake] would you mind Looking into that for us? [rose] yeah. 339 00:17:31,176 --> 00:17:34,929 [jake] I'm gonna go to The hotel, see who's coming And going. 340 00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:39,809 [mal] you, uh, you wanna go to The hall of records, dig around Some old files? 341 00:17:39,851 --> 00:17:43,063 [rose] you really know how to Talk to a girl. Get her all hot And bothered. 342 00:17:43,104 --> 00:17:45,231 [mal] they have periodicals. 343 00:17:45,273 --> 00:17:49,569 [rose] ah, let's go! Hey what Are you up to? 344 00:17:49,611 --> 00:17:52,173 [des] uh, I'm reading the Script, "The squid dude and The boy from bay bulls." 345 00:17:52,197 --> 00:17:55,950 It's tyler's script. I'm already on act 9, and It's pretty wicked. 346 00:17:55,992 --> 00:18:00,372 Although the parallels Within the narrative Are somewhat opaque. 347 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,540 Could do with a bit more Nudity though. 348 00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:03,917 [rose] let's go. 349 00:18:08,797 --> 00:18:11,233 [jake] pursuing? I'm not Pursuing anyone. I asked her Out. What's the big deal? 350 00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:13,468 [walter] I work with her, jake. 351 00:18:13,510 --> 00:18:16,221 Look, all I ask, is that you Don't make this my problem, Seriously. 352 00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:19,641 [jake] well why did you, You know, introduce me To her in the first place? 353 00:18:19,683 --> 00:18:24,437 [walter] jake, you don't Need to sleep with every Woman I introduce you to. 354 00:18:24,479 --> 00:18:27,691 Although she is Extraordinarily hot. 355 00:18:27,732 --> 00:18:30,193 [jake] hold on for a second. I've got another call. Yeah? 356 00:18:30,235 --> 00:18:33,071 [allison] how's the pitch Coming? 357 00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:37,742 [jake] allison! Hey-hi-hello There. How, how are you? 358 00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,828 [allison] so? 359 00:18:39,869 --> 00:18:41,830 [jake] yes. 360 00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:47,877 [allison] yes? I think what you Mean is saturday night, 8 o'clock, dinner. Pick me up. 361 00:18:47,919 --> 00:18:52,007 [jake] do-do you mean that you Pick me up, or I pick you up? 362 00:18:52,048 --> 00:18:54,467 [allison] you'll figure it out. 363 00:18:54,509 --> 00:19:00,724 [jake] oh, wha-wait... Ah, I can't do... 364 00:19:00,765 --> 00:19:03,101 Walter, buddy, I gotta go. I'll call you back. 365 00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:05,186 [allison] walter. 366 00:19:14,362 --> 00:19:17,407 [nikki] so, I've settled on Prime rib for saturday 367 00:19:17,449 --> 00:19:21,786 [jake] yeah, uh, listen. About That, something kinda came up. 368 00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:26,791 [nikki] no dinner, No tox report. Got me? 369 00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:28,626 [jake] I love prime rib. 370 00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:32,964 [nikki] perfect. So, des dropped By with a nasty bit of tuna. 371 00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:34,382 It was filled with Glycopyrronium. 372 00:19:34,424 --> 00:19:36,634 [jake] glycoper-what? 373 00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:39,864 [nikki] medication used in Terminal care. It makes it hard To breathe for a healthy person. 374 00:19:39,888 --> 00:19:43,600 [jake] really? Uh, thank you. I Appreciate it. Can I keep this? 375 00:19:43,641 --> 00:19:46,561 [nikki] mhmm. Saturday. No Excuses. I know where you live. 376 00:19:46,603 --> 00:19:49,564 [jake] I've got your new fiance To thank for that. 377 00:19:52,776 --> 00:19:59,824 [rose] okay. Rhonada girl, Where are you? Oh! Ah, hi. 378 00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,663 [rose] where is this coming From all of a sudden? 379 00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:08,500 [mal] I don't know, But everything just seems right In the world. 380 00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:11,920 I'm feeling great. You're looking great. 381 00:20:11,961 --> 00:20:15,048 Even the granddaughter We have at home is acting great, Don't ya think? 382 00:20:15,090 --> 00:20:17,550 [rose] tinny's really growing Into herself, isn't she? 383 00:20:17,592 --> 00:20:19,636 [mal] I'll have you All to me self. 384 00:20:19,678 --> 00:20:23,848 [rose] now, question is, what Are you gonna do with me? 385 00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:25,600 [mal] hmmm. 386 00:20:29,938 --> 00:20:31,481 [mal] let's go. 387 00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:35,151 [tyler] a palliative care drug? 388 00:20:35,193 --> 00:20:36,986 Who would do that To j.J.? 389 00:20:37,028 --> 00:20:39,531 [j.J.] my series is about to be Ordered. Just when things are 390 00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:42,492 Going right for me... [jake] okay, j.J., sit down. 391 00:20:42,534 --> 00:20:47,330 I need you to stay calm, Alright. Now, leah jordan. You wanna tell me about her? 392 00:20:47,372 --> 00:20:51,960 Any idea why she'd be hanging Out with your old comedy Partner, kent? 393 00:20:52,002 --> 00:20:54,355 [stan] jake! Why aren't you Dressed? We have the thing with The mayor in an hour. 394 00:20:54,379 --> 00:20:56,548 [tyler] he's getting an award From the city. 395 00:20:56,589 --> 00:21:00,343 [jake] good for him. J.J., leah Jordan. Is there anything about Her in your past I should know? 396 00:21:00,385 --> 00:21:03,847 [j.J.] okay... [stan] j.J. Just keep that to yourself. 397 00:21:03,888 --> 00:21:08,143 [j.J.] I slept with her. A Couple of times. Then I dumped Her. It's an old story. 398 00:21:08,184 --> 00:21:11,563 [jake] you see, this is The kind of information That'll help me do my job. 399 00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:14,500 All right, what about kent? Is there anything about him? Did you sleep with him too? 400 00:21:14,524 --> 00:21:18,611 [j.J.] kent was a hack. He still is hack. He's Lucky to even know me. 401 00:21:18,653 --> 00:21:22,991 Look, I banged a lotta chicks. Do you wanna list of them all? I'll get right onto that. 402 00:21:23,033 --> 00:21:26,995 As a matter of fact, ask tyler, He probably keeps track. His Nose is so far up my ass... 403 00:21:27,037 --> 00:21:28,806 [stan] just grab your clothes And get dressed in the limo. 404 00:21:28,830 --> 00:21:32,542 [j.J.] stan! You're Worse than the kid. He's Got talent. What do you got? 405 00:21:32,584 --> 00:21:34,085 [des] lock it down! 406 00:21:34,127 --> 00:21:35,754 [jake] des, what do you want? 407 00:21:35,795 --> 00:21:38,506 [des] uh, this was, uh, Taped to the door. 408 00:21:45,180 --> 00:21:48,433 [j.J.] ah, jeeze. 409 00:21:48,475 --> 00:21:53,521 [jake] woah. Just... "Revenge of the squid gal"? 410 00:21:53,563 --> 00:21:55,482 [des] oh my god. Is that human hair? 411 00:21:55,523 --> 00:21:58,360 [des] looks like it... 412 00:21:58,401 --> 00:21:59,569 [jake] shut up! 413 00:21:59,611 --> 00:22:01,029 [j.J.] oh, I hate clowns. 414 00:22:01,071 --> 00:22:02,757 [leslie] can't you hit on a Parking meter cop or something? 415 00:22:02,781 --> 00:22:04,282 [jake] ha, ha, ah. Here, look. 416 00:22:04,324 --> 00:22:07,410 Take a look a this. 417 00:22:07,452 --> 00:22:09,579 [leslie] is that hair? 418 00:22:09,621 --> 00:22:12,957 [jake] yeah, I think so. My, uh, Client, he's been getting some Weird threats lately. 419 00:22:12,999 --> 00:22:17,045 [leslie] jake, fine, whatever. I Really don't care. Goodbye. 420 00:22:17,087 --> 00:22:19,964 [jake] well... Okay... Look, I Know you're going out with mayor 421 00:22:20,006 --> 00:22:22,425 And you're not with me and we Gotta be friends or whatever. 422 00:22:22,467 --> 00:22:24,386 You don't have to Be mean about it. 423 00:22:24,427 --> 00:22:27,639 [leslie] look, I got enough Childish men in my life, So would you knock it off? 424 00:22:27,681 --> 00:22:29,307 I don't need it from you. 425 00:22:29,349 --> 00:22:33,436 [jake] leslie, I was joking, by, What's wrong with ya? 426 00:22:33,478 --> 00:22:36,272 [leslie] sorry. 427 00:22:36,314 --> 00:22:38,483 [jake] are ya all right? 428 00:22:38,525 --> 00:22:40,235 [mal] what was that? 429 00:22:40,276 --> 00:22:41,653 [jake] I don't know. 430 00:22:41,695 --> 00:22:43,798 [mal] rhonda stride is now Rhonda peck. Still tracking down 431 00:22:43,822 --> 00:22:45,031 An address. 432 00:22:45,073 --> 00:22:46,533 [jake] rhonda peck. 433 00:22:46,574 --> 00:22:49,202 [mayor clarke] let's get right To the real attraction. Ladies 434 00:22:49,244 --> 00:22:51,579 And gentlemen, j.J. Murphy! 435 00:22:51,621 --> 00:22:59,379 [j.J.] thank you. 436 00:22:59,421 --> 00:23:01,256 [mal] look who showed up. 437 00:23:01,297 --> 00:23:02,465 [jake] our super fan. 438 00:23:02,507 --> 00:23:04,718 [j.J.] thank you! What? Oh! 439 00:23:04,759 --> 00:23:08,138 [jake] what's he doing? Come on. 440 00:23:08,179 --> 00:23:11,224 [j.J.] thank you! I was kinda Hoping for the keys to the city. 441 00:23:11,266 --> 00:23:13,309 [j.J.] I wanted To have an opportunity 442 00:23:13,351 --> 00:23:16,604 To enter all your Homes and see you naked. 443 00:23:16,646 --> 00:23:19,149 Just to thank you personally, Is that possible? 444 00:23:19,190 --> 00:23:23,486 And now I get a plaque instead. Now, seriously, this is A wonderful honour. 445 00:23:23,528 --> 00:23:24,672 This... Sorry, does this have a name? 446 00:23:49,054 --> 00:23:51,806 [j.J.] well nice save, idiot. Nothing happened. 447 00:23:56,895 --> 00:23:58,021 Except that. 448 00:23:58,063 --> 00:24:00,148 [jake] coulda been worse. 449 00:24:00,190 --> 00:24:02,442 Coulda had to listen to The rest of your act. 450 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:07,340 [leslie] the ice cream truck was Reported stolen an hour ago. 451 00:24:07,364 --> 00:24:08,448 We'll check it for prints. 452 00:24:08,490 --> 00:24:09,657 [jake] thank you. 453 00:24:09,699 --> 00:24:12,285 [leslie] uh, bill... Mayor Clarke, this is, uh, 454 00:24:12,327 --> 00:24:13,453 This is jake doyle. 455 00:24:13,495 --> 00:24:15,413 [mayor clarke] I owe you. You saved my life. 456 00:24:15,455 --> 00:24:19,626 [jake] yeah well, You can blow up atlantic place, We'll call it even. 457 00:24:19,668 --> 00:24:21,920 [hood] steering wheel was Tied off. 458 00:24:21,961 --> 00:24:26,383 Knife was, uh, stuck in the gas Pedal. We found this. 459 00:24:26,424 --> 00:24:28,802 [jake] "Exit stage left." 460 00:24:28,843 --> 00:24:30,679 [leslie] does that mean Anything to ya? 461 00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:32,681 [j.J.] no, but it's good advice. 462 00:24:34,933 --> 00:24:36,685 [jake] that guy's hilarious. 463 00:24:41,398 --> 00:24:44,776 Take it easy with all the Condos. Don't screw up the city. 464 00:24:50,198 --> 00:24:53,159 [mal] we have a reporter who Hates him. A club owner who Hates him. 465 00:24:53,201 --> 00:24:55,846 [rose] a crazed, super-fan Who loves him. An old troop Member we can't find. 466 00:24:55,870 --> 00:24:56,788 [jake] of course there's j.J. 467 00:24:56,830 --> 00:24:58,915 Who both loves and hates Himself. 468 00:24:58,957 --> 00:25:02,002 [des] the monkey was the killer! 469 00:25:02,043 --> 00:25:03,753 [jake] what was that, desdemona? 470 00:25:03,795 --> 00:25:06,715 [des] super fan fiction. They're stories, or works, 471 00:25:06,756 --> 00:25:09,718 Written by fans themselves Based on their favourite Show or character, 472 00:25:09,759 --> 00:25:15,432 But the beauty with fan Fiction is that sometimes They engage in self insertion, 473 00:25:15,473 --> 00:25:18,852 Where the writer actually Puts himself, or herself, Into the script. 474 00:25:18,893 --> 00:25:21,730 [jake] so did, uh, tyler self Insert himself? 475 00:25:21,771 --> 00:25:24,649 [des] no, he didn't, But 49 characters and No tyler character, 476 00:25:24,691 --> 00:25:26,943 So I guess he's not a super fan. 477 00:25:28,737 --> 00:25:31,197 [jake] no, but ryan is. 478 00:25:31,239 --> 00:25:35,827 [rose] yeah, if he loves Him so much, why'd he Scratch all his eyes out? 479 00:25:35,869 --> 00:25:38,371 [jake] do we have an address For ryan brenton? 480 00:25:38,413 --> 00:25:40,123 [des] I can get it. 481 00:25:48,256 --> 00:25:49,841 [leslie] hi there. 482 00:25:49,883 --> 00:25:51,426 [mayor clarke] well, Believe it or not, 483 00:25:51,468 --> 00:25:53,970 That is not The strangest ceremony I have ever presided over. 484 00:25:56,723 --> 00:25:58,516 [leslie] thank god you're okay. 485 00:25:58,558 --> 00:26:02,270 [mayor clarke] well, thank god That doyle guy was there. 486 00:26:02,312 --> 00:26:07,859 [leslie] it's nice to get a Quiet second with ya anyway. 487 00:26:07,901 --> 00:26:13,198 You know, um, I'm not Sure how much more of This secrecy thing I can 488 00:26:13,239 --> 00:26:16,826 Deal with. It's starting to get On my nerves, to be honest. 489 00:26:16,868 --> 00:26:19,245 [mayor clarke] yeah? You know It's cuz I'm ashamed of you, 490 00:26:19,287 --> 00:26:22,415 Right? Truly, I'm just saying, You're horrible to look at. 491 00:26:22,457 --> 00:26:26,711 [leslie] I'm serious. Sort of. 492 00:26:29,172 --> 00:26:31,049 [mayor clarke] let's just Take our time, okay? 493 00:26:31,091 --> 00:26:33,301 I mean, we'll see how you Feel in a little while. 494 00:26:33,343 --> 00:26:38,640 You're gonna find out sooner or Later that I'm a total dink, Way too old for you, 495 00:26:38,682 --> 00:26:42,227 And all the rest. So, before we Announce you on the ballot, 496 00:26:42,268 --> 00:26:44,979 Maybe we should wait to see If you dump me first. 497 00:26:48,817 --> 00:26:51,569 [jake] hello? Crazy, super-fan? 498 00:26:54,698 --> 00:26:55,907 Anyone home? 499 00:27:00,704 --> 00:27:04,457 [jake] is this literally A list of j.J.'s worst fears? 500 00:27:11,548 --> 00:27:15,593 [mal] okay, I'm even getting freaked out. This is pretty weird. 501 00:27:15,635 --> 00:27:19,472 [jake] uh, yeah. Look at this. 502 00:27:19,514 --> 00:27:24,060 Every one of these drawers is Labeled. This is creepy man. 503 00:27:24,102 --> 00:27:28,523 Look at this. Woah! Jackpot. 504 00:27:28,565 --> 00:27:30,442 "Squid dude" memorabilia. 505 00:27:33,069 --> 00:27:34,946 [jake] yeah, I know. 506 00:27:34,988 --> 00:27:38,366 I had the blue one. Ah, shhh. You hear that? 507 00:27:43,747 --> 00:27:45,540 What are you waiting for? Go get him! Go on! 508 00:28:09,064 --> 00:28:13,818 [kent] look guys, I'm not The stalker. Leah the blogger Was paying me for dirt. 509 00:28:13,860 --> 00:28:15,070 I was looking for the tape. 510 00:28:15,111 --> 00:28:16,988 [jake] so what were you doing At ryan's? 511 00:28:17,030 --> 00:28:19,616 [kent] weird kid. Collects Everything j.J. 512 00:28:19,657 --> 00:28:23,995 I sold it to him a while back, Along with all the other "Catfud" stuff. 513 00:28:24,037 --> 00:28:26,373 No one else on the Planet has this tape. 514 00:28:26,414 --> 00:28:28,334 [mal] why are the buttons on This thing so small? 515 00:28:28,375 --> 00:28:31,920 [jake] just give it to me, Will ya? I can't even believe You still have a vcr. 516 00:28:31,961 --> 00:28:34,798 [j.J.] but these prisoners are Just enjoying the sunny day. 517 00:28:34,839 --> 00:28:37,967 [rhonda] then we betta lock it Down! 518 00:28:38,009 --> 00:28:41,471 [mal] is that rhonda as squid Gal? 519 00:28:41,513 --> 00:28:44,557 [kent] yeah. Rhonda was the real Brains of the troop. She and 520 00:28:44,599 --> 00:28:46,643 J.J., they were a big couple. 521 00:28:46,685 --> 00:28:49,979 Then he dumped her, and... [jake] stole her material. 522 00:28:50,021 --> 00:28:51,648 [kent] every word. 523 00:28:51,690 --> 00:28:53,668 [mal] I wonder how the network Would react if they found out 524 00:28:53,692 --> 00:28:57,070 Their new show as based on Stolen material. 525 00:28:57,112 --> 00:28:59,030 [jake] what's the name of this Bit? 526 00:28:59,072 --> 00:29:01,366 [kent] um, that's "Revenge... Revenge of the squid 527 00:29:01,408 --> 00:29:05,412 Gal." yeah. 528 00:29:05,453 --> 00:29:09,666 [jake] so, I'm guessing that, Uh, all these; they're the names 529 00:29:09,708 --> 00:29:11,459 Of other sketches? 530 00:29:11,501 --> 00:29:13,437 [kent] there's only three people In world who would know that. 531 00:29:13,461 --> 00:29:14,921 Me, j.J. And rhonda. 532 00:29:14,963 --> 00:29:17,674 [jake] and ryan, our super fan, He'd make 4. Can you remember 533 00:29:17,716 --> 00:29:19,342 The names of any other ones? 534 00:29:19,384 --> 00:29:21,320 [kent] well we always closed With "Take the plunge." 535 00:29:21,344 --> 00:29:23,930 [jake] sorry. Excuse me. Yeah. 536 00:29:23,972 --> 00:29:27,308 [j.J.] yeah, it's me. Wanna drink? 537 00:29:27,350 --> 00:29:31,229 [jake] sure. Just, uh, Stay where you are. It's j.J. 538 00:29:31,271 --> 00:29:34,899 I'm guessing it's either Ryan or rhonda. It has To be one of them. 539 00:29:34,941 --> 00:29:36,568 Where are you? I'm coming to you now. 540 00:29:49,039 --> 00:29:50,623 [jake] hey there. 541 00:29:51,708 --> 00:29:58,173 [j.J.] you know marlon brando, He had a stalker. 542 00:29:58,214 --> 00:30:02,218 She and her husband had a plan To kill brando and to eat him. 543 00:30:02,260 --> 00:30:04,679 [jake] I actually already knew That. 544 00:30:04,721 --> 00:30:08,933 [j.J.] but she loved brando So much, she confessed Everything to him. 545 00:30:08,975 --> 00:30:12,520 [jake] oh yeah? What did brando Do? 546 00:30:12,562 --> 00:30:16,107 [j.J.] he banged her. 547 00:30:16,149 --> 00:30:19,277 [jake] well, I wouldn't Necessarily recommend that Course of action for you, 548 00:30:19,319 --> 00:30:22,530 In this particular situation. 549 00:30:22,572 --> 00:30:26,534 [j.J.] we had a gig up here Once. Our last gig. "Catfud." 550 00:30:26,576 --> 00:30:30,288 "Take the plunge," at The end of the show we Pretended to jump off. 551 00:30:30,330 --> 00:30:32,040 Stupid gag, never worked. 552 00:30:33,875 --> 00:30:35,877 You wanna know a secret? 553 00:30:37,921 --> 00:30:45,921 I'm not funny. I never was. 554 00:30:46,346 --> 00:30:48,014 I'm a fraud. 555 00:30:48,056 --> 00:30:51,267 [jake] I know. Rhonda stride. 556 00:30:51,309 --> 00:30:53,663 You stole her material, and then You got rich. That kinda thing, 557 00:30:53,687 --> 00:30:55,522 It tends to leave a mark. 558 00:30:58,274 --> 00:31:02,737 [j.J.] I ripped off her Entire act, 20 years ago. 559 00:31:02,779 --> 00:31:07,283 She made me famous. You gonna Turn me in? Expose me? 560 00:31:07,325 --> 00:31:11,913 [jake] you hired me to find your Stalker, not find out where you Get your crappy material. 561 00:31:11,955 --> 00:31:15,875 [j.J.] rhonda's the one who's Been making the threats. 562 00:31:15,917 --> 00:31:18,962 [jake] looks like it. 563 00:31:19,004 --> 00:31:24,759 [j.J.] she wrote me, called. I never opened one letter. I sent them all back. 564 00:31:24,801 --> 00:31:30,849 I was afraid she'd go Public with this tape, Expose me for what I am. 565 00:31:30,890 --> 00:31:34,060 [jake] we should go to The cops now, before this goes Any further. 566 00:31:34,102 --> 00:31:38,815 [j.J.] you find her. I wanna face her about this. I owe her that. 567 00:31:40,316 --> 00:31:43,319 Finally, finally. 568 00:31:45,363 --> 00:31:51,619 [j.J.] what? What do ya mean? 569 00:31:51,661 --> 00:31:57,459 Yeah? You serious? Uh, okay. 570 00:31:57,500 --> 00:32:03,590 I'll... Okay. Fine. They just ordered the show. 571 00:32:03,631 --> 00:32:08,053 I've been picked up. It's green lit. 572 00:32:08,094 --> 00:32:10,722 [jake] congratulations. 573 00:32:10,764 --> 00:32:14,851 [j.J.] you just bring me rhonda, Okay? I need to face her. Make this right. 574 00:32:22,317 --> 00:32:26,446 [dylan] tin-tin. Sorry, tinny. 575 00:32:26,488 --> 00:32:30,283 Where ya going? You need a ride? 576 00:32:30,325 --> 00:32:32,410 [tinny] I can walk. Thanks. 577 00:32:32,452 --> 00:32:34,496 [dylan] you know, fear is a real Hindrance in life. 578 00:32:34,537 --> 00:32:36,831 [tinny] deep stuff. Good on ya! 579 00:32:36,873 --> 00:32:41,878 [dylan] okay. Please let me take You home. 580 00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:43,922 [tinny] did you drink? 581 00:32:43,963 --> 00:32:47,300 [dylan] not a drop. 582 00:32:47,342 --> 00:32:48,342 [tinny] alright. 583 00:33:00,897 --> 00:33:03,650 Right-hand drive. Weird. 584 00:33:10,740 --> 00:33:13,827 [mal] rose had a hell of a time Finding rhonda's address. 585 00:33:13,868 --> 00:33:17,288 [jake] but j.J., I dunno, it Might be just me, but I almost 586 00:33:17,330 --> 00:33:19,207 Feel like there's a change in Him. 587 00:33:19,249 --> 00:33:21,209 [mal] he growin' on ya? 588 00:33:21,251 --> 00:33:26,715 [jake] well no, I wouldn't say That exactly, maybe it's just The, you know... Ow! 589 00:33:26,756 --> 00:33:32,137 The idea that rhonda could be His stalker. Him knowing That is giving him ease. 590 00:33:32,178 --> 00:33:38,601 [mal] rhonda? We're not here to Cause any trouble. J.J. Murphy Would like to talk to you. 591 00:33:38,643 --> 00:33:41,354 [jake] we got bills, bills, 592 00:33:43,523 --> 00:33:46,443 Couple of insurance cheques. Here. 593 00:33:57,078 --> 00:34:00,373 Mail man! Hello? 594 00:34:00,415 --> 00:34:01,750 [mal] rhonda? 595 00:34:01,791 --> 00:34:04,544 [jake] doesn't look like Anyone's been here for a while. 596 00:34:04,586 --> 00:34:06,880 Cisplatin, altretamine, What the hell's this? 597 00:34:06,921 --> 00:34:08,757 [mal] cancer drugs. 598 00:34:08,797 --> 00:34:13,762 I saw enough of those before. With your mother. Before she died. 599 00:34:13,803 --> 00:34:16,681 Lookie here, ryan's not the only One with a j.J. Obsession. 600 00:34:16,723 --> 00:34:19,893 [jake] well, at least ryan's Very neat about his. 601 00:34:19,934 --> 00:34:24,230 [mal] wow, these are all Addressed to j.J. In new york. 602 00:34:24,272 --> 00:34:27,734 [jake] "Return to sender," "Return to sender." "Return to Sender" on all of them. 603 00:34:27,775 --> 00:34:29,735 [mal] j.J.'s hairbrush That was stolen. 604 00:34:29,777 --> 00:34:34,741 [jake] really? This one's Address to an alphonso peck. 605 00:34:34,783 --> 00:34:39,120 It's a paternity test... Between j.J. Murphy and rhonda. 606 00:34:45,543 --> 00:34:50,297 Dad? I think this kid, Alphonso, is j.J.'s son. 607 00:34:52,384 --> 00:34:53,384 [mal] jake? 608 00:35:04,771 --> 00:35:08,024 [jake] well, there's rhonda. 609 00:35:08,066 --> 00:35:09,693 [mal] that's one mystery solved. 610 00:35:11,319 --> 00:35:12,779 [leslie] you're in Big trouble here. 611 00:35:12,821 --> 00:35:14,197 [jake] what do you Think happened? 612 00:35:14,239 --> 00:35:16,217 I killed her, I froze her, I found her, then I called you? 613 00:35:16,241 --> 00:35:19,035 Look, I'm aware I come up with A lot of excuses to see you. 614 00:35:19,077 --> 00:35:21,204 [leslie] you just stumbled upon Rhonda stride's body? 615 00:35:21,246 --> 00:35:24,916 [mal] there's no external Wounds. I think she had Terminal cancer. 616 00:35:24,958 --> 00:35:26,418 [leslie] you examined her? 617 00:35:26,459 --> 00:35:29,462 [jake] well, uh, you know, just A quick scan, nothing extensive. 618 00:35:29,504 --> 00:35:31,548 You know, moved a few tv Dinners around. 619 00:35:31,589 --> 00:35:33,818 [mal] found some cheques in the Mailbox. I've seen it before. 620 00:35:33,842 --> 00:35:37,137 Beneficiary hides the Body to keep collecting The pension cheques. 621 00:35:37,178 --> 00:35:39,573 [leslie] the son, yeah. We've Been trying to track him down. Whoever it is. 622 00:35:39,597 --> 00:35:40,557 [jake] we're free to go. 623 00:35:40,598 --> 00:35:42,434 [leslie] there's a body in the Freezer. 624 00:35:42,475 --> 00:35:45,061 [jake] yup. 625 00:35:45,103 --> 00:35:48,732 [leslie] don't go far, jake. 626 00:35:48,773 --> 00:35:50,876 [jake] so, let's track down Alphonso. You thinking what I'm 627 00:35:50,900 --> 00:35:51,776 Thinking? 628 00:35:51,818 --> 00:35:53,820 [mal] super fan went super Crazy? 629 00:35:53,862 --> 00:35:56,865 [j.J.] thank you. I love you Too. You in particular. How do 630 00:35:56,906 --> 00:35:59,993 You spell that? I'll just bluff It. Now I'd be happy to sign any 631 00:36:00,035 --> 00:36:03,872 Body parts. Anyone... Yes, here We go. There we go. That'll be 632 00:36:03,913 --> 00:36:09,044 $32.50. Don't worry, I'll pay You, sweetheart. Uh, you have to 633 00:36:09,085 --> 00:36:17,085 Put it on first before I'll sign It. Stan! Tyler, tyler! 634 00:36:18,470 --> 00:36:25,435 [tyler] you go him, p.I.? 635 00:36:25,477 --> 00:36:29,731 [des] nice work. I got him, I got him. I got him. 636 00:36:29,773 --> 00:36:32,108 [ryan] I just wanted to get him To sign it. 637 00:36:32,150 --> 00:36:33,068 [j.J.] okay, okay, folks. 638 00:36:33,109 --> 00:36:34,277 [ryan] I love you, j.J.! 639 00:36:34,319 --> 00:36:36,154 [des] woah-oh, That's what they all say. 640 00:36:36,196 --> 00:36:37,489 [j.J.] get me outa here. 641 00:36:37,530 --> 00:36:39,300 [stan] tyler, get him outa here. Bring the car around. 642 00:36:39,324 --> 00:36:42,035 [j.J.] we just wanted to meet The funniest man in the world. 643 00:36:45,538 --> 00:36:48,041 [jake] where's j.J.? 644 00:36:48,083 --> 00:36:50,502 [des] I caught him. I got the... [ryan] I'm not the stalker. 645 00:36:50,543 --> 00:36:54,214 I love j.J. I'm the president Of j.J.'s online fan club. I have credentials. 646 00:36:54,255 --> 00:36:56,424 [jake] woah-oh-oh, des? 647 00:36:56,466 --> 00:36:58,218 [des] what? Oh yeah, I got him. 648 00:36:58,259 --> 00:36:59,362 [jake] is your name alphonso? 649 00:36:59,386 --> 00:37:02,305 [ryan] what? My name's ryan. Ryan brenton. 650 00:37:02,347 --> 00:37:06,559 If you don't believe me, ask my Dad. He's a supreme court judge. 651 00:37:06,601 --> 00:37:10,105 [mal] if you love j.J. So much, How come you scratched The eyes out in those albums? 652 00:37:10,146 --> 00:37:12,375 [ryan] I didn't! They were Like that when I bought them From kent. 653 00:37:12,399 --> 00:37:15,402 I paid 30 bucks for them, But they're priceless. 654 00:37:15,443 --> 00:37:17,362 [jake] stan, how old is tyler? 655 00:37:17,404 --> 00:37:20,323 [stan] about 26. Des, You say that in fan fiction, 656 00:37:20,365 --> 00:37:22,367 The writer writes himself Into a script, right? 657 00:37:22,409 --> 00:37:23,576 [des] yeah, yeah. Why? 658 00:37:23,618 --> 00:37:25,537 [jake] so in tyler's script Was... 659 00:37:25,578 --> 00:37:27,414 [mal] was there a character Named alphonso? 660 00:37:27,455 --> 00:37:29,332 [des] yeah, he, he's the lead. How'd you know? 661 00:37:29,374 --> 00:37:31,084 [jake] I think I know Where they are. 662 00:37:34,587 --> 00:37:39,426 [tyler] drink up. You deserve it. 663 00:37:39,467 --> 00:37:43,138 [j.J.] this place... It's weird You brought me up here... 664 00:37:43,179 --> 00:37:45,515 [tyler] "Catfud" did their last Show here, huh? 665 00:37:45,557 --> 00:37:47,726 [j.J.] yeah, how'd you know That? 666 00:37:47,767 --> 00:37:50,228 [tyler] you did a rooftop show, You pretended you were the 667 00:37:50,270 --> 00:37:54,024 Beatles, you had a sold out Crowd. But the audience was, 668 00:37:54,065 --> 00:37:56,151 Uh... [j.J.] up here on the roof with 669 00:37:56,192 --> 00:37:58,028 Us. How did you know that? 670 00:37:58,069 --> 00:38:01,781 [tyler] it was right before you And kent and rhonda broke off. 671 00:38:01,823 --> 00:38:05,994 You took off to new york, and You stole squid gal. 672 00:38:06,036 --> 00:38:08,955 [j.J.] tyler? Did I tell you This? 673 00:38:08,997 --> 00:38:11,374 [tyler] I had fun being around You. Watching you work dumpy 674 00:38:11,416 --> 00:38:19,416 Clubs, watching you suffer. A Hack. You're a terrible person. 675 00:38:20,258 --> 00:38:24,262 A terrible, terrible person. 676 00:38:24,304 --> 00:38:28,600 Dad, she died... Mom. 677 00:38:28,641 --> 00:38:29,768 [j.J.] uh? 678 00:38:29,809 --> 00:38:31,037 [tyler] she's dead. She's dead. 679 00:38:31,061 --> 00:38:34,022 [j.J.] wait? Wha... [tyler] my mother, rhonda, is 680 00:38:34,064 --> 00:38:37,400 Dead. Did you hear that, dad? 681 00:38:37,442 --> 00:38:40,236 [j.J.] why do you keep calling Me dad? 682 00:38:40,278 --> 00:38:43,948 [tyler] you know, I took this Job to get to know you better, 683 00:38:43,990 --> 00:38:48,953 To find out why. To hurt you... 684 00:38:48,995 --> 00:38:50,455 Somehow. 685 00:38:50,497 --> 00:38:56,753 [jake] it's true, j.J. He's your Son. Okay. Let's just stay calm, 686 00:38:56,795 --> 00:38:58,838 Okay, tyler. [mal] take it easy. 687 00:38:58,880 --> 00:39:01,359 [tyler] just get back! I'll push Him over and I'll go with him. 688 00:39:01,383 --> 00:39:03,968 I don't care anymore. Just stay back! 689 00:39:04,010 --> 00:39:05,428 [mal] okay. 690 00:39:05,470 --> 00:39:07,239 [jake] we found Your mother, tyler. [mal] this morning. 691 00:39:07,263 --> 00:39:10,600 [tyler] I didn't do anything Wrong. She told me to do it, 692 00:39:10,642 --> 00:39:12,870 To keep getting the insurance Cheques. She wanted me to go to 693 00:39:12,894 --> 00:39:14,938 University... [j.J.] what the hell are you 694 00:39:14,979 --> 00:39:16,731 Talking about... [tyler] stay still! 695 00:39:16,773 --> 00:39:18,525 [mal] he really is your son, J.J. 696 00:39:18,566 --> 00:39:22,404 [j.J.] whatta know? Oh, well I don't suppose Anyone has a cigar? 697 00:39:22,445 --> 00:39:23,863 [tyler] another joke, huh, dad? 698 00:39:23,905 --> 00:39:28,326 [jake] woah. Okay. Let's just Stay cool here, yeah? 699 00:39:28,368 --> 00:39:29,786 [tyler] just stay back! 700 00:39:29,828 --> 00:39:34,207 [j.J.] if he wants to kill me, Let him. You wanna kill me kid? 701 00:39:34,249 --> 00:39:40,922 Go ahead! I loved your mother. I Always did. And yes, I am a hack 702 00:39:40,964 --> 00:39:46,428 And a thief. Let him kill me, Guys. It's okay. I am a hack. 703 00:39:46,469 --> 00:39:48,221 Yeah, yeah, let him kill me. 704 00:39:48,263 --> 00:39:49,139 [jake] you're not helping j.J. 705 00:39:49,180 --> 00:39:52,434 Just... 706 00:39:52,475 --> 00:39:57,522 [j.J.] I have a son. He wants to Kill me, but, uh, even so, it's 707 00:39:57,564 --> 00:40:01,735 Better than the relationship I Had with my father. 708 00:40:01,776 --> 00:40:05,488 [tyler] why did you do it? Why Did you ruin her life? 709 00:40:05,530 --> 00:40:08,533 [j.J.] I'm sorry, kid. I, um... 710 00:40:08,575 --> 00:40:10,535 I'm really sorry. 711 00:40:15,331 --> 00:40:16,541 [tyler] no! 712 00:40:34,642 --> 00:40:37,395 [j.J.] hey! Hey, don't hurt him. 713 00:40:41,399 --> 00:40:43,401 He's my son. 714 00:40:48,948 --> 00:40:50,700 Right on, boy. 715 00:40:51,701 --> 00:40:55,997 [mal] welcome to parenthood. 716 00:40:56,039 --> 00:40:58,124 [jake] now that there, That's a real father. 717 00:41:03,505 --> 00:41:06,007 [jake] hey, um, nikki. 718 00:41:06,049 --> 00:41:08,843 [nikki] hey. Look at you. 719 00:41:08,885 --> 00:41:11,846 [jake] yeah. Just look at You. Um, I hope you don't mind. 720 00:41:11,888 --> 00:41:16,267 I brought a friend. Allison, This is nikki. Nikki, this is 721 00:41:16,309 --> 00:41:17,894 Allison. 722 00:41:18,937 --> 00:41:20,188 [nikki] oh. 723 00:41:20,230 --> 00:41:21,773 [allison] hi. 724 00:41:21,815 --> 00:41:23,233 [nikki] hello. 725 00:41:23,274 --> 00:41:25,610 [david] hey, jake buddy, glad You could make it. We... 726 00:41:25,652 --> 00:41:29,155 Oh, we wanted to introduce You to uh... [nikki] no, honey. 727 00:41:29,197 --> 00:41:32,534 [jill] hi. Hello. 728 00:41:35,412 --> 00:41:38,164 [jake] well I'm, um, starved. 729 00:41:51,219 --> 00:41:54,681 [david] so, um, allison, you're- You're a lawyer, right? 730 00:41:54,723 --> 00:41:57,767 [allison] you know, I think I left my berry in the car, 731 00:41:57,809 --> 00:42:00,020 So I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna go get it... 732 00:42:00,061 --> 00:42:01,730 I'm sorry, I'll Just be a minute. 733 00:42:06,776 --> 00:42:11,573 [jake] I'll be... I'll just be Right back. Just... 734 00:42:30,550 --> 00:42:32,635 [allison] so you take Me to a dinner 735 00:42:32,677 --> 00:42:35,597 Where your ex-wife is trying to Set you up with another woman? 736 00:42:35,638 --> 00:42:36,890 [jake] sorry about that. 737 00:42:36,931 --> 00:42:39,893 [allison] it's a-hell-of A first date. 738 00:42:39,934 --> 00:42:42,103 [jake] I'm a classy guy, What can I say? 739 00:42:42,145 --> 00:42:44,814 [allison] well you're an Original, that's for sure. 740 00:42:49,235 --> 00:42:53,615 You think this is going Where you think it is going? 741 00:42:53,656 --> 00:42:55,533 [jake] I have no idea. 742 00:43:18,056 --> 00:43:20,308 [allison] I need to get that. 743 00:43:20,350 --> 00:43:22,644 [jake] yeah, okay. 744 00:43:25,563 --> 00:43:27,273 [allison] it's my husband. 745 00:43:31,277 --> 00:43:38,493 ♪hey mister jim I can see The shape you're in♪ 746 00:43:38,535 --> 00:43:41,663 ♪finger on your eyebrow♪ 747 00:43:41,705 --> 00:43:45,458 ♪and left hand on your hip♪ 748 00:43:45,500 --> 00:43:46,292 ♪thinking that you're 749 00:43:46,334 --> 00:43:49,879 Such a lady killer♪ 750 00:43:49,921 --> 00:43:53,091 ♪think you're so slick♪ 751 00:43:53,133 --> 00:43:54,092 ♪well all right♪ 752 00:43:54,134 --> 00:43:59,055 ♪ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh♪ 64211

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