All language subtitles for Republic of Doyle S02E03 A Stand Up Guy 1080p PCOK WEB-DL DDP5 1 H264-WhiteHat_track3_[eng]

[J.J.] I'VE BEEN AWAY A LONG
TIME NEWFOUNDLAND, A LONG TIME!

I'M HAPPY TO BE BACK THOUGH!

THANK YOU. YOU FOUND SOME
OFFSHORE OIL THOUGH, DIDN'T YA?

[J.J.] AND PEOPLE DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE MONEY.

THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT
TO DO WITH THE MONEY.

THE PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO
DO WITH THE MONEY. THEY DON'T.

I SAW A GUY DRIVING DOWN
WATER STREET IN A PORSCHE,

INSIDE A FERRARI,
STUFFED INTO A HUMMER. YES.

[JAKE] SO WHAT,
THIS GUY GETS A STALKER,

NOW WE GOTTA BABYSIT
HIM? THAT'S JUST DANDY.

[STAN] SOAK IT IN, BOYS. THAT
THERE IS A LEGEND. STAN BITTMAN.

J.J.'S MANAGER.
THANKS FOR COMING IN.

[J.J.] BE SMART ABOUT IT.
USE THE MONEY WELL.
BUILD A BRIDGE OR SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW, GET YOUR
MOUNTAINS DONE.

BANG THOSE LITTLE FRENCH ISLANDS
THAT YOU'VE HAD YOUR EYE ON.

[JAKE] I'M JAKE DOYLE.
THIS IS MY FATHER, MALACHY.

[MAL] SEEMS YOU PICKED
UP A STALKER.

[STAN] YEAH, EVER SINCE
WE LANDED LAST WEEK.

WELL, WE'RE TRYING TO
KEEP IN ON THE Q.T. HE'S UP
FOR THIS BIG US PILOT.

BUT HE'S OVER REACTING IF YOU
ASK ME. IT'S WHEN THEY STOP

STALKING YOU, THAT'S, THAT'S
WHEN YOU WORRY-- ONE, ONE SEC.

[JAKE] TV PILOT, HUH?

[STAN] UH, THE SHOWS BASED ON
SQUID DUDE. OKAY? HUGE HIT FOR
J.J. BACK IN THE DAY.

[MAL] AH! SQUID DUDE?
LOCK IT DOWN!

[STAN] THAT WAS THE CATCH
PHRASE, YEAH.

[J.J.] THE PILOT HAS ONE MORE
THING TO SAY, LOCK IT DOWN!

[AUDIENCE MEMBER] J.J.!

[J.J.] THANK YOU, NEWFOUNDLAND!

THAT'S ALL I GOT!

[KENT] J.J. MURPHY,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

[KENT] IT WAS A PLEASURE
HAVING J.J. ON MY STAGE.

NOW, UH, DON'T GO AWAY.
[J.J.] WOAH.

WE'LL HAVE A SHORT BREAK
AND THEN WE'LL HAVE

SOME OF NEWFOUNDLAND'S
FINEST YOUNG COMICS.
[RYAN] J.J.!

YO, YOU GOTTA SIGN
THIS. I LOVE YOU, MAN.

[KENT] 20% OFF WHITE RUSSIANS
ALL NIGHT. ENJOY!

[J.J.] UH, WHAT'S YOUR NAME
SWEETHEART?

[ANNETTE] ANNETTE.

[J.J.] UH, HI.

[RYAN] J.J. GREAT ACT. WE LOVE
YOU! CAN YOU SIGN THAT? LOOK!

[J.J.] YEAH.

[RYAN] CAN YOU SIGN THAT FOR ME,
PLEASE, PLEASE.

[J.J.] OKAY, I GOTTA GO.
THANK YOU.
[RYAN] PLEASE, J.J., J.J.!

[J.J.] AH! THAT WAS A DISASTER!

YOU DON'T LIGHT ME FROM
ABOVE LIKE THAT!
I LOOK LIKE A TROLL DOLL!

[KENT] STILL THE SAME, HUH, J.J?

IT'S NICE TO SEE
THAT YOU'VE MELLOWED!

[J.J.] OH-HA, YOU WANT ME TO
BE NICE NOW, KENT,

LOOK AT HOW WELL
THAT WORKED OUT IN YOUR LIFE.

WHAT'S WITH THIS 20% OFF
THE GATE CRAP? YOU KNOW MY DEAL,
MY FEE, PLUS 80%.

[KENT] TONIGHT'S BOX WENT TO
CHARITY, J.J. I DON'T KNOW WHY
I LET YOU COME INTO MY CLUB.

[J.J.] LET ME? LET ME--
YOU BEGGED ME.

[KENT] BEG? AH, COME--
I DON'T NEED THIS CRAP!

[J.J.] ARE YOU GOING NOW?
[JAKE] NOW, THIS IS A SHOW.

[J.J.] YOU GONNA LEAVE ALL
THIS GLASS HERE? YOU WANNA SEE
ME CUT MYSELF, IS THAT IT?

[STAN] TYLER, CAN YOU GO
CLEAN THAT UP?
[TYLER] NO PROBLEM.

[J.J.] I--
[STAN] P.I.'S YOU TOLD ME
TO HIRE.

[J.J.] HARDCASTLE AND MCCORMICK,
RIGHT? RIGHT.

OKAY, I NEED SOMEONE TO KEEP
THE DINGDONGS AWAY FROM ME.

ANYONE CERTIFIABLE SHOW
THEM TO THE DOOR.

[JAKE] WE'RE DETECTIVES.
WE DON'T DO SECURITY.

[J.J.] AW, SENSITIVE BODY
GUARDS. JUST WHAT I WAS
LOOKING FOR.

FIND THE STALKER AND
SHUT HIM UP, OKAY?

[JAKE] WELL WE JUST-- WE NEED TO
ASK YOU A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS.

[STAN] YOU CAN DIRECT YOUR
QUESTIONS TO ME.

[J.J.] GET THAT THING
OUT OF HERE!

[JAKE] NOW THAT'S FUNNY.

[J.J.] AW.

*OH YEAH*
*OH YEAH*

*OH YEAH*
*OH YEAH*

*OH, YEAH-E-YEAH-E-YEAH-E-YEAH*

*OH, YEAH-E-YEAH-E-YEAH-E-YEAH*

*OH YEAH*

[J.J.] AS IF BEING ON THIS GOD
FORSAKEN ROCK WASN'T ENOUGH.

I HATE CLOWNS! STAN, I HATE 'EM!

[STAN] I KNOW, J.J.,
JUST TRY TO STAY CALM.

[J.J.] LOOK, I WANTED TO GET MY
GAME BACK IN FRONT OF MORONS

WHO DON'T KNOW BETTER THEN WORK
MY WAY BACK TO REAL CITIES.

[STAN] HIRING PRIVATE
INVESTIGATORS IS
A TAD EXCESSIVE.

[J.J.] NO. KEEP THIS STALKER,
WHATEVER, QUIET.

[JAKE] QUIET? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

[J.J.] SO WE DON'T SPOOK
THE NETWORK.

[STAN] THE EXECS ARE COMING
UP THIS WEEKEND.

[JAKE] RIGHT, BUT, HAVING
A STALKER, ISN'T THAT
A GOOD THING?

MAKE YOU SEEM MORE
IMPORTANT, OR WHATEVER?

[J.J.] OKAY. NOW THE SENSITIVE
BODY GUARD IS GIVING ME
SHOW BIZ ADVICE.

ALLOW ME TO RECIPROCATE,
FIND THE STALKER!

[JAKE] "DEAD MEN DON'T LAUGH."

[MAL] ANY IDEA WHAT
THIS NOTE MEANS?

[J.J.] NO. BUT THE LOGIC HOLDS
UP, WOULDN'T YOU SAY?

[TYLER] IT'S PAM, NETWORK.

[J.J.] PAMCAKES! YEAH. NO, NO,
NO. I COULDN'T BE BETTER,

UNLESS I WAS IN A
BATHTUB WITH YOU!

[TYLER] I'M, UH, TYLER.
[MAL] MAL.

[TYLER] THE BOTTLE WASHER
AROUND HERE, AND COOK,
AND PILLOW FLUFFER.

J.J. MAY SEEM LIKE A
JERK, BUT HE'S ACTUALLY COOL.

[MAL] OH, YOU WANNA BE A
COMIC, TYLER?

[TYLER] I AM A COMEDIAN,
AND A SCREENWRITER.

THE WORLD JUST
DOESN'T KNOW IT YET.

[J.J.] TYLER! FOOD! STAN,
BRING THE CAR AROUND, MORON!

DON'T BE A MORON LIKE STAN.

[TYLER] I WON'T.

[J.J.] AND 25 NEW JOKES
FOR BREAKFAST, OKAY?

NONE OF THAT "NEWFIE" CRAP.
THEY HATE THAT HERE.

[TYLER] NO "NEWFIE",
OKAY, GOT IT.

[J.J.] OKAY. LET'S FIND
THE MANIAC STALKER

BEFORE THE NETWORK GETS
HERE ON SATURDAY.

[JAKE] THIS MIGHT BE
A STUPID QUESTION, BUT, UM,

DO YOU KNOW OF ANYONE WHO MIGHT
HAVE A GRUDGE AGAINST YOU? OR?

[J.J.] JUST GOOGLE ME TO FIND
OUT, HOTSHOT. FIND THE FREAK.

[MAL] LOOK. THERE'S
OUR CLUB OWNER, KENT.

[JAKE] LOOK AT THAT
HAIR. "CATFUD."

NOTHING SAYS THE 80'S
LIKE A MOUNT PEARL CURL, HUH.

[LESLIE] HEY. HOW ARE YA?

GOOD. YEAH, ME TOO.

UH, LISTEN, I'LL HAVE TO-- I'LL
CALL YOU BACK LATER. BYE.

[HOOD] I PUT HONEY IN INSTEAD OF
SUGAR. IT'S BETTER FOR YOU.

YOU'RE ALL SMILES.

[LESLIE] WHAT. SO?

[HOOD] I'M JUST SAYING.
YOU LOOK HAPPY.

[LESLIE] FRANKLY, IT'S NONE OF
YOUR BUSINESS. I'M YOUR PARTNER;

NOT YOUR LITTLE SISTER,
NOT YOUR WIFE. GOT ME?

[CHANTEL] I TALKED TO DYLAN.

HE'S PRIME TO BUY
THE WHOLE CROP.

[TINNY] DYLAN? THE GUY WHO
STIFFED YOU FOR THE EQUIPMENT?

THAT'S WHO YOU WANT TO SELL TO?

[CHANTEL] HE'S THE ONLY DEALER
I KNOW.

[TINNY] HE CAN'T COME HERE.
NO ONE CAN.

[CHANTEL] I ALREADY TEXTED HIM
THE ADDRESS. HE ISN'T MAD THAT
YOU KICKED HIM IN THE NADS.

[TINNY] WHAT PART OF SECRET
UNDERGROUND DRUG OPERATION
DIDN'T YOU GET?

[CHANTEL] HE THINKS YOU'RE CUTE.
YOU COULD THINK ABOUT HAVING
SOME FUN ONCE IN A WHILE.

HIS CAR'S IN RIGHT-HAND DRIVE,
AND YOU WANNA GO TO LONDON.
IT'S KARMA.

[TINNY] YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

[CHANTEL] AND I'M
YOUR BEST FRIEND.
WHAT'S THAT SAY ABOUT YOU?

[MAL] ENEMIES OF J.J. MURPHY?

[JAKE] I JUST MET THE GUY AND
I WANT TO KILL HIM.

[DES] SO THIS IS THE STUFF
THEY'VE GOTTEN FROM THE STALKER?

[JAKE] IS THAT MOULD?

[DES] J.J.'S A BIT OF A
GERMAPHOBE. THE STALKER'S
TRYING TO FREAK HIM OUT.

[ROSE] PLUS THE STOLE SOME
CLOTHES AND HAIR BRUSH.

[DES] YOU KNOW, IF I WAS
A STALKER, I'D GO FOR
THE GOOD STUFF LIKE,

YOU KNOW, LIKE A JOURNAL,
YOU KNOW A CUTE PICTURE. OR

THAT PRETTY ANKLET
SHE ALWAYS WEARS.

I MEAN HE WEARS. I MEAN,
YES, YES, WHAT?

[JAKE] MAYBE THE STALKER'S
SOMEONE J.J. KNOWS, LIKE, UH,

AN EX-GIRLFRIEND OR SOMETHING?

[DES] MARLON BRANDO HAD A
STALKER WHO WANTED TO KILL

AND EAT HIM-- OH MY GOD!
IS THAT A CLOWN IN A JAR?

[ROSE] GUYS? OKAY,
CHECK THIS OUT,

"DEAD MEN DON'T LAUGH."
THAT'S A STRANGE THREAT,
DON'T YOU THINK?

[JAKE] YOU DIDN'T SEE HIS ACT.

[MAL] WHATCHA DIG UP
ABOUT OL' J.J.?

[ROSE] WELL, UH, NEVER BEEN
MARRIED. NO FAMILY TO SPEAK OF.

LEFT THE ISLAND ABOUT 26 YEARS
AGO, MOVED TO NEW YORK,

HIT IT BIG WITH
SQUID DUDE ON SNL.

[DES] LOCK IT DOWN!

[DES] THAT ONE SKETCH
WHERE SQUID DUDE,

AND HE'S SO NERVOUS AND HE KEEPS
LOCKIN' THE PRISON DOWN.

IT'S HIS, IT'S HIS, UH,
BEST, BEST WORK, I THINK.

[MAL] WHAT ABOUT J.J.'S STAFF?

[ROSE] MANAGER HERE HAS BEEN
WITH HIM FOR 5 YEARS.

SINGLE-HANDEDLY GOT J.J. BACK
INTO THE MAIN STREAM. AND THEN

TYLER IS THE THIRD INTERN HIRED
IN A YEAR. AND THIS GUY, KENT,

CLUB OWNER. HE AND J.J. USED TO
HAVE A COMEDY ACT TOGETHER,

AND J.J. DUMPED HIM
WHEN HE HIT IT BIG.

[JAKE] WHAT ABOUT MRS. WITH THE,
UH, HAIR?

[ROSE] RHONDA STRIDE. I CANNOT
FIND ANYTHING ON HER. IT'S LIKE
SHE DISAPPEARED.

[JAKE] ALRIGHT, FATHER,
LET'S START AT THE BEGINNING
I SUPPOSE.

[MAL] YEAH.

[JAKE] SO KENT'S HIS OLD IMPROV
PARTNER, SO WHAT?

[MAL] WE SHOULD TALK TO HIM.

[JAKE] UH, JUST GIVE ME A
SECOND, ALRIGHT? HEY THERE.

[ALLISON] HI. STAKING OUT
PARKING METERS? THAT'S GOOD,
NO JOB TOO SMALL, HUH?

[JAKE] YEAH, HUH. WELL
THIS IS, UH, A REAL
COINCIDENCE SEEING YOU HERE.

WHY IS IT I, UH,
ALWAYS FEEL SO NERVOUS
AROUND YOU?

[ALLISON] YOU'RE NERVOUS
AROUND ME?

[JAKE] MAYBE ITS, UM, BECAUSE
YOU'RE SUCH A POWERFUL TYPE.
PERSON, WOMAN.

[ALLISON] AND DO YOU HAVE A
PROBLEM WITH POWERFUL
PERSON WOMEN?

[JAKE] WELL NOT IN GENERAL. I
MEAN, I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM

WITH POWERFUL PEOPLE AT ALL,
UNLESS THEY'RE, OF COURSE,
MEAT HEADS.

[ALLISON] ELOQUENT.

[JAKE] LET'S GO OUT. SERIOUSLY.

[ALLISON] THAT'S IT?
THAT'S YOUR PITCH?

[JAKE] YEAH.

[ALLISON] DOES THAT USUALLY WORK
FOR YOU?

[JAKE] NOPE.

[ALLISON] BUT YOU KEEP TRYING.

PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.

[JAKE] WHAT?

[MAL] TAKE YOUR BALL
AND GO HOME, SON.
SHE'S OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE.

[JAKE] YOU KNOW, IT'S YOUR
CONSTANT SUPPORT THAT SEES
ME THROUGH THE TROUBLING TIMES.

[MAL] I DO WHAT I CAN.

ZERO CHANCE WITH THAT
LAWYER. ZERO.

[JAKE] THOSE, UH, HOW TO
INSPIRE YOUR FAMILY TAPES,

THEY'RE REALLY PAYING OFF.

[MAL] NO HOPE.

[KENT] THAT'S GOOD.
[PHOTOGRAPHER] YEAH.

[KENT] BOX OFFICE DOESN'T OPEN
UNTIL NOON, FELLAS.

[JAKE] WE WORK FOR J.J. MURPHY.

THIS MALACHY, I'M JAKE DOYLE.
WE WERE HERE LAST NIGHT WHEN HE
HAD HIS LITTLE CLOWN INCIDENT.

[KENT] RIGHT. BODYGUARDS.
I REMEMBER A TIME, YEARS AGO,

WHEN J.J. ALMOST WET
HIMSELF AT THE SOUND OF
AN ICE CREAM TRUCK.

[KENT] YEAH,

CREEPY CLOWN INCIDENT.
I DON'T KNOW WHO'S RESPONSIBLE,
BUT WHOEVER IT IS,

I'M A HUGE FAN.

[JAKE] REALLY? IT WOULDN'T
HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH AN
OLD "CATFUD" GRUDGE, WOULD IT?

[KENT] THAT WAS ANOTHER LIFE.

[MAL] J.J. MAKES IT BIG.
YOU RUN A CLUB.
MIGHT MAKE A GUY A TAD BITTER?

[KENT] I OWN THE CLUB.
HE'S PLAYIN' IT.

WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND.

[JAKE] AFTER J.J. BAILED
ON YOU, WHY DIDN'T YOU,
AND UH, RHONDA HERE,

CARRY ON WITH THE TROOP?

[MAL] SPEAKING OF RHONDA,
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHERE WE MIGHT FIND HER?

[KENT] NO. I HAVEN'T SEEN HER IN
YEARS. J.J.'S BIG COMEBACK,

MAKES A SECOND FALL
THAT MUCH SWEETER.

[MAL] HEY, THAT'S THE CREEPY KID
WE SAW AT THE CLUB.

[JAKE] SO IT IS. HEY, BUDDY.
DO YOU GOT A SEC?
I JUST NEED TO TALK...

TO... YOU.

[JAKE] HEY! KID! I THOUGHT YOU
WANTED TO MEET J.J. I CAN
INTRODUCE YOU IF YOU LIKE.

HE'S A SWELL GUY. MAYBE I
CAN GET YOU AN AUTOGRAPH?

[MAL] SO YOU LOST HIM, DID YA?
COULDA MADE THAT HAPPEN MYSELF.

[JAKE] AH-HA-HA. LOOK
WHAT HE LEFT BEHIND.
VINTAGE J.J. MATERIAL.

[MAL] HE MUSTA BEEN PRETTY
SCARED OFF TO LEAVE IT.

[STAN] HEY, HEY, HEY LEAH! IS
THAT OUR GARBAGE?

[LEAH] YOU GOT YOUR JOB, STAN,
I GOT MINE.

[STAN] GET OUTA HERE! AND YOU,
YOU ARE SO FIRED.

[MAL] I CAN SEE WHY THEY CALL IT
THE ENTERTAINMENT BUSINESS.

[J.J.] MORE, MORE, MORE.

TOO MUCH! SCRAPE IT OFF.

NOT WITH YOUR FINGER.

LEAH JORDAN IS A BLOGGER.
LEAH'S LOWDOWN, NEED I SAY MORE?

[MAL] WHAT WAS SHE LOOKING FOR?

[J.J.] TYLER? JOKES? WHATTA YA
GOT?

[TYLER] UH, AT DINNER, EVERYONE
AT MY HOUSE USED TO ASK FOR

THE TURKEY LEG. DAD WOULD SAY,
"WHAT DO YOU THINK WE HAVE HERE?

A SPIDER?"

[J.J.] PASS.

[TYLER] ONE TIME I WAS ON A
PLANE, ABOUT TO LAND--

[J.J.] AWFUL, JUST AWFUL!
YOU'RE GETTING WORSE.
THEY'RE JUST TERRIBLE.

GO OVER THERE
SOMEWHERE.

[JAKE] HEY, DON RICKLES, FOCUS.

WHY WAS LEAH JORDAN GOING
THROUGH YOUR TRASH?

[J.J.] WELL, HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

[STAN] I'M TELLING YA,
SHE'S YOUR STALKER.

WHY WAIT FOR A STORY, WHEN
YOU COULD CREATE IT YOURSELF?

IT'S HER WAY OF MAKING NEWS.

[JAKE] YEAH? WHAT ABOUT
KENT AND RHONDA?

[J.J.] OH,
THOSE TWO COMIC HACKS.
I CARRIED THEM FOR 5 YEARS,

AND THEY HAVE A BEEF WITH ME?
THEY WERE LIKE LEECHES.
THEY WERE LIKE--

[TYLER] LIKE LEECHES
DOCTORS WERE USING THEM
TO CURE INFECTION.

[J.J.] YES, THAT'S NOT BAD.

THAT'S, THAT'S GETTING THERE.

[STAN] WOAH, WOAH.

[JAKE] HE'S STILL BREATHING.
TYLER, CALL AN AMBULANCE!

[NIKKI] WE PUMPED HIS STOMACH,
AND WE'RE WAITING ON
THE LAB RESULTS.

[JAKE] OKAY, WELL I'M PRETTY
SURE HE WAS POISONED.

SO, IF YOU
FIND ANYTHING, LET ME KNOW.

[NIKKI] IF I COULD TEST
THE FOOD HE WAS EATING,
THAT WOULD BE HELPFUL.

[JAKE] ALRIGHT, I'LL FIND THE
FOOD, NO PROBLEM.

[NIKKI] HEY, UM, IF YOU COMMIT
TO DINNER SATURDAY NIGHT,

I WILL DO THAT FOR YOU.
PLEASE. DAVID IS A REALLY
GOOD GUY, JAKE.

[JAKE] LOOK, NIKKI, I CAN SEE
HOW DINNER WITH YOU AND YOUR NEW
FIANCE, SLASH DIVORCE LAWYER,

WHO HAPPENED TO ROB ME BLIND IN
OUR SETTLEMENT WOULD BE FUN
FOR YOU, BUT ME, NOT SO MUCH.

UH... FINE.

[NIKKI] GREAT. SATURDAY,
8. AND DON'T USE THAT
THING IN THE HOSPITAL.

[DES] HELLO?
JAKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

ME? I'M SLAYING
MONSTERS, METAPHORICALLY
SPEAKING OF COURSE.

[JAKE] WHATEVER. DES, FIND THE
FOOD THAT J.J. WAS EATING AND

BRING IT TO THE HOSPITAL
FOR NIKKI, OKAY?

[DES] OH, NO, WE THREW
IT OUT, MAN. J.J. HATES
WHEN THERE'S FOOD AROUND.

IT'S IN THE GARBAGE.
[JAKE] I DON'T CARE! FIND IT.

THE OTHER OPTION IS YOU CAN SORT
THROUGH THE REMNANTS OF J.J.'S
BOWEL MOVEMENTS.

[DES] HEY, HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE TO GET INTO THE BOWELS
OF PRIVATE INVESTIGATING?

[J.J.] GOOD MORNING.

[LEAH] J.J., WHAT HAPPENED?
DID SOMEONE REALLY TRY
TO POISON YOU?

[J.J.] NO. BUT I LEARNED
SOMETHING, IF YOU WANT
TO EAT ENDANGERED SPECIES,

MAKE SURE THEY'RE DECLAWED.

[LEAH] IT'S ALL A BIG JOKE,
ISN'T IT, J.J.?
YOU WERE POISONED BY A STALKER.

YOU'VE BEEN THREATENED BEFORE?

[J.J.] LEAH JORDAN, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, THINKS THAT WRITING
A BLOG MEANS SHE'S A JOURNALIST.

[LEAH] "SHUT UP AND DANCE."

"LAST CHANCE TO LEAVE."
"END OF THE LAUGH LINE."

I FOUND THESE IN YOUR GARBAGE,
YOU'VE BEEN RECEIVING
DEATH THREATS.

[STAN] OKAY, UH,
HE'S GOTTA GET HIS REST.

[J.J.] SEE YA, FOLKS!
LOCK IT DOWN!

[STAN] GIVE ME THOSE! I'M NOT
PLAYING WITH YA, LEAH.

NEXT TIME,
I'LL HAVE YOU ARRESTED.

[JAKE] J.J.'S HIDING
SOMETHING FROM US.

[MAL] QUESTION IS, WHY?

[CHANTEL] TINNY? IT'S DYLAN.

HE'S HERE TO SEE YOU.

[TINNY] YOU INVITED HIM.

[DYLAN] WHAT'S GOING ON, LADIES?

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY. WHAT'S
GOING ON HERE? EXPERT WORK.

I'M WEARING A CUP THIS TIME.

[TINNY] REALLY? YOU CAN'T TELL.

[DYLAN] YOU GOT ANY BEERS?
YOU KNOW, MAKE A LITTLE
TOAST TO NEW BUSINESS?

[CHANTEL] THERE'S, EH UH, PEACH
COOLER IN THE FRIDGE.

[DYLAN] OH, UH, CALL SOME
PEOPLE, HAVE A LITTLE PARTY.

[CHANTEL] SOUNDS GREAT.

[DYLAN] YOU COOL WITH THAT,
TIN-TIN?

[TINNY] JUST POST THE GROW-OP ON
FACEBOOK, AND THEN EVERY SKEET
IN TOWN CAN COME RIP US OFF.

[DYLAN] YOU'RE FUNNY.
I LIKE FUNNY GIRLS.

[TINNY] AND I LIKE SMART GUYS.

AND CALL ME TIN-TIN AGAIN,
AND YOU'LL NEED MORE THAN
A CUP TO PROTECT YOU.

[TYLER] P.I., SOUNDS COOL, I
MEAN WHEN YOU'RE NOT DIGGING
THROUGH GARBAGE.

[DES] YEAH, IT'S LIKE,
I GOT THIS BRAIN, RIGHT,

THAT'S JUST LIKE NATURALLY
INCLINED TOWARDS LIKE,
LOGIC AND INVESTIGATION.

IT'D BE A SIN TO WASTE, MAN.
[TYLER] UH-HUH.

[DES] LOOK AT THIS!
WHEN WILL PEOPLE LEARN?
OUR PLANET, OUR HOME!

SORRY.

[TYLER] IT'S OKAY.

[DES] SO, UH,
YOU WANT TO BE A COMEDIAN?

[TYLER] YEAH.
AND A SCREENWRITER.

I'VE GOT THIS
"SQUID DUDE" SCRIPT.

J.J.'S GONNA READ IT
WHEN HE GETS A SEC.
IT'S ALL ABOUT TIMING, RIGHT?

[DES] TIMING, YEAH, MAN.
FOR SURE. YOU KNOW, AND SKILL.

AND TALENT HELPS. AND LUCK,
BUT IT'S MOSTLY TALENT.

[TYLER] YO, YO! CHECK IT OUT.

[DES] AH, NICE WORK MAN! MAN.

[TYLER] OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE IT.

[DES] SORRY, SORRY, MAN. I JUST
GOT A LITTLE EXCITED--

SOMETHING'S ALIVE!
SOMETHING JUST TOUCHED ME!
SOMETHING JUST TOUCHED ME!

[ROSE] OKAY. "LEAH'S LOWDOWN."

SHE'S A BIG FAN OF HIS OLD
MATERIAL, AND IT LOOKS LIKE HER

BLOG HAS PUT HIM BACK ON THE
NETWORK RADAR.

[JAKE] SO SHE LOVED HIM ONCE.

[MAL] AND NOW SHE SUDDENLY HATES
HIS GUTS.

[JAKE] SOUNDS LIKE EVERY
RELATIONSHIP I'VE EVER HAD. HOW

MUCH YOU WANNA BET THAT SAYS
J.J. WAS SLEEPING WITH HER? IT'S

ALWAYS ABOUT THE SEX.

[ROSE] OH, HELL HATH NO FURY.

[JAKE] LIKE A PERSON DUMPED.

EXACTLY. WHAT ABOUT RHONDA?

[ROSE] I SEARCHED HIGH AND LOW.

THERE'S NO RHONDA STRIDE
ANYWHERE ON THIS ISLAND. MAYBE

SHE CHANGED HER NAME?

[JAKE] WOULD YOU MIND
LOOKING INTO THAT FOR US?
[ROSE] YEAH.

[JAKE] I'M GONNA GO TO
THE HOTEL, SEE WHO'S COMING
AND GOING.

[MAL] YOU, UH, YOU WANNA GO TO
THE HALL OF RECORDS, DIG AROUND
SOME OLD FILES?

[ROSE] YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO
TALK TO A GIRL. GET HER ALL HOT
AND BOTHERED.

[MAL] THEY HAVE PERIODICALS.

[ROSE] AH, LET'S GO! HEY WHAT
ARE YOU UP TO?

[DES] UH, I'M READING THE
SCRIPT, "THE SQUID DUDE AND
THE BOY FROM BAY BULLS."

IT'S TYLER'S SCRIPT.
I'M ALREADY ON ACT 9, AND
IT'S PRETTY WICKED.

ALTHOUGH THE PARALLELS
WITHIN THE NARRATIVE
ARE SOMEWHAT OPAQUE.

COULD DO WITH A BIT MORE
NUDITY THOUGH.

[ROSE] LET'S GO.

[JAKE] PURSUING? I'M NOT
PURSUING ANYONE. I ASKED HER
OUT. WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

[WALTER] I WORK WITH HER, JAKE.

LOOK, ALL I ASK, IS THAT YOU
DON'T MAKE THIS MY PROBLEM,
SERIOUSLY.

[JAKE] WELL WHY DID YOU,
YOU KNOW, INTRODUCE ME
TO HER IN THE FIRST PLACE?

[WALTER] JAKE, YOU DON'T
NEED TO SLEEP WITH EVERY
WOMAN I INTRODUCE YOU TO.

ALTHOUGH SHE IS
EXTRAORDINARILY HOT.

[JAKE] HOLD ON FOR A SECOND.
I'VE GOT ANOTHER CALL. YEAH?

[ALLISON] HOW'S THE PITCH
COMING?

[JAKE] ALLISON! HEY-HI-HELLO
THERE. HOW, HOW ARE YOU?

[ALLISON] SO?

[JAKE] YES.

[ALLISON] YES? I THINK WHAT YOU
MEAN IS SATURDAY NIGHT,
8 O'CLOCK, DINNER. PICK ME UP.

[JAKE] DO-DO YOU MEAN THAT YOU
PICK ME UP, OR I PICK YOU UP?

[ALLISON] YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT.

[JAKE] OH, WHA-WAIT-- AH,
I CAN'T DO--

WALTER, BUDDY,
I GOTTA GO. I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

[ALLISON] WALTER.

[NIKKI] SO, I'VE SETTLED ON
PRIME RIB FOR SATURDAY

[JAKE] YEAH, UH, LISTEN. ABOUT
THAT, SOMETHING KINDA CAME UP.

[NIKKI] NO DINNER,
NO TOX REPORT. GOT ME?

[JAKE] I LOVE PRIME RIB.

[NIKKI] PERFECT. SO, DES DROPPED
BY WITH A NASTY BIT OF TUNA.

IT WAS FILLED WITH
GLYCOPYRRONIUM.

[JAKE] GLYCOPER-WHAT?

[NIKKI] MEDICATION USED IN
TERMINAL CARE. IT MAKES IT HARD
TO BREATHE FOR A HEALTHY PERSON.

[JAKE] REALLY? UH, THANK YOU. I
APPRECIATE IT. CAN I KEEP THIS?

[NIKKI] MHMM. SATURDAY. NO
EXCUSES. I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE.

[JAKE] I'VE GOT YOUR NEW FIANCE
TO THANK FOR THAT.

[ROSE] OKAY. RHONADA GIRL,
WHERE ARE YOU? OH! AH, HI.

[ROSE] WHERE IS THIS COMING
FROM ALL OF A SUDDEN?

[MAL] I DON'T KNOW,
BUT EVERYTHING JUST SEEMS RIGHT
IN THE WORLD.

I'M FEELING GREAT.
YOU'RE LOOKING GREAT.

EVEN THE GRANDDAUGHTER
WE HAVE AT HOME IS ACTING GREAT,
DON'T YA THINK?

[ROSE] TINNY'S REALLY GROWING
INTO HERSELF, ISN'T SHE?

[MAL] I'LL HAVE YOU
ALL TO ME SELF.

[ROSE] NOW, QUESTION IS, WHAT
ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH ME?

[MAL] HMMM.

[MAL] LET'S GO.

[TYLER] A PALLIATIVE CARE DRUG?

WHO WOULD DO THAT
TO J.J.?

[J.J.] MY SERIES IS ABOUT TO BE
ORDERED. JUST WHEN THINGS ARE

GOING RIGHT FOR ME--
[JAKE] OKAY, J.J., SIT DOWN.

I NEED YOU TO STAY CALM,
ALRIGHT. NOW, LEAH JORDAN.
YOU WANNA TELL ME ABOUT HER?

ANY IDEA WHY SHE'D BE HANGING
OUT WITH YOUR OLD COMEDY
PARTNER, KENT?

[STAN] JAKE! WHY AREN'T YOU
DRESSED? WE HAVE THE THING WITH
THE MAYOR IN AN HOUR.

[TYLER] HE'S GETTING AN AWARD
FROM THE CITY.

[JAKE] GOOD FOR HIM. J.J., LEAH
JORDAN. IS THERE ANYTHING ABOUT
HER IN YOUR PAST I SHOULD KNOW?

[J.J.] OKAY--
[STAN] J.J.
JUST KEEP THAT TO YOURSELF.

[J.J.] I SLEPT WITH HER. A
COUPLE OF TIMES. THEN I DUMPED
HER. IT'S AN OLD STORY.

[JAKE] YOU SEE, THIS IS
THE KIND OF INFORMATION
THAT'LL HELP ME DO MY JOB.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT ABOUT KENT?
IS THERE ANYTHING ABOUT HIM?
DID YOU SLEEP WITH HIM TOO?

[J.J.] KENT WAS A HACK.
HE STILL IS HACK. HE'S
LUCKY TO EVEN KNOW ME.

LOOK, I BANGED A LOTTA CHICKS.
DO YOU WANNA LIST OF THEM ALL?
I'LL GET RIGHT ONTO THAT.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, ASK TYLER,
HE PROBABLY KEEPS TRACK. HIS
NOSE IS SO FAR UP MY ASS--

[STAN] JUST GRAB YOUR CLOTHES
AND GET DRESSED IN THE LIMO.

[J.J.] STAN! YOU'RE
WORSE THAN THE KID. HE'S
GOT TALENT. WHAT DO YOU GOT?

[DES] LOCK IT DOWN!

[JAKE] DES, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

[DES] UH, THIS WAS, UH,
TAPED TO THE DOOR.

[J.J.] AH, JEEZE.

[JAKE] WOAH. JUST--
"REVENGE OF THE SQUID GAL"?

[DES] OH MY GOD.
IS THAT HUMAN HAIR?

[DES] LOOKS LIKE IT--

[JAKE] SHUT UP!

[J.J.] OH, I HATE CLOWNS.

[LESLIE] CAN'T YOU HIT ON A
PARKING METER COP OR SOMETHING?

[JAKE] HA, HA, AH. HERE, LOOK.

TAKE A LOOK A THIS.

[LESLIE] IS THAT HAIR?

[JAKE] YEAH, I THINK SO. MY, UH,
CLIENT, HE'S BEEN GETTING SOME
WEIRD THREATS LATELY.

[LESLIE] JAKE, FINE, WHATEVER. I
REALLY DON'T CARE. GOODBYE.

[JAKE] WELL-- OKAY-- LOOK, I
KNOW YOU'RE GOING OUT WITH MAYOR

AND YOU'RE NOT WITH ME AND WE
GOTTA BE FRIENDS OR WHATEVER.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO
BE MEAN ABOUT IT.

[LESLIE] LOOK, I GOT ENOUGH
CHILDISH MEN IN MY LIFE,
SO WOULD YOU KNOCK IT OFF?

I DON'T NEED IT FROM YOU.

[JAKE] LESLIE, I WAS JOKING, BY,
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YA?

[LESLIE] SORRY.

[JAKE] ARE YA ALL RIGHT?

[MAL] WHAT WAS THAT?

[JAKE] I DON'T KNOW.

[MAL] RHONDA STRIDE IS NOW
RHONDA PECK. STILL TRACKING DOWN

AN ADDRESS.

[JAKE] RHONDA PECK.

[MAYOR CLARKE] LET'S GET RIGHT
TO THE REAL ATTRACTION. LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN, J.J. MURPHY!

[J.J.] THANK YOU.

[MAL] LOOK WHO SHOWED UP.

[JAKE] OUR SUPER FAN.

[J.J.] THANK YOU! WHAT? OH!

[JAKE] WHAT'S HE DOING? COME ON.

[J.J.] THANK YOU! I WAS KINDA
HOPING FOR THE KEYS TO THE CITY.

[J.J.] I WANTED
TO HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY

TO ENTER ALL YOUR
HOMES AND SEE YOU NAKED.

JUST TO THANK YOU PERSONALLY,
IS THAT POSSIBLE?

AND NOW I GET A PLAQUE INSTEAD.
NOW, SERIOUSLY, THIS IS
A WONDERFUL HONOUR.

THIS--
SORRY, DOES THIS HAVE A NAME?

[J.J.] WELL NICE SAVE, IDIOT.
NOTHING HAPPENED.

EXCEPT THAT.

[JAKE] COULDA BEEN WORSE.

COULDA HAD TO LISTEN TO
THE REST OF YOUR ACT.

[LESLIE] THE ICE CREAM TRUCK WAS
REPORTED STOLEN AN HOUR AGO.

WE'LL CHECK IT FOR PRINTS.

[JAKE] THANK YOU.

[LESLIE] UH, BILL-- MAYOR
CLARKE, THIS IS, UH,

THIS IS JAKE DOYLE.

[MAYOR CLARKE] I OWE YOU.
YOU SAVED MY LIFE.

[JAKE] YEAH WELL,
YOU CAN BLOW UP ATLANTIC PLACE,
WE'LL CALL IT EVEN.

[HOOD] STEERING WHEEL WAS
TIED OFF.

KNIFE WAS, UH, STUCK IN THE GAS
PEDAL. WE FOUND THIS.

[JAKE] "EXIT STAGE LEFT."

[LESLIE] DOES THAT MEAN
ANYTHING TO YA?

[J.J.] NO, BUT IT'S GOOD ADVICE.

[JAKE] THAT GUY'S HILARIOUS.

TAKE IT EASY WITH ALL THE
CONDOS. DON'T SCREW UP THE CITY.

[MAL] WE HAVE A REPORTER WHO
HATES HIM. A CLUB OWNER WHO
HATES HIM.

[ROSE] A CRAZED, SUPER-FAN
WHO LOVES HIM. AN OLD TROOP
MEMBER WE CAN'T FIND.

[JAKE] OF COURSE THERE'S J.J.

WHO BOTH LOVES AND HATES
HIMSELF.

[DES] THE MONKEY WAS THE KILLER!

[JAKE] WHAT WAS THAT, DESDEMONA?

[DES] SUPER FAN FICTION.
THEY'RE STORIES, OR WORKS,

WRITTEN BY FANS THEMSELVES
BASED ON THEIR FAVOURITE
SHOW OR CHARACTER,

BUT THE BEAUTY WITH FAN
FICTION IS THAT SOMETIMES
THEY ENGAGE IN SELF INSERTION,

WHERE THE WRITER ACTUALLY
PUTS HIMSELF, OR HERSELF,
INTO THE SCRIPT.

[JAKE] SO DID, UH, TYLER SELF
INSERT HIMSELF?

[DES] NO, HE DIDN'T,
BUT 49 CHARACTERS AND
NO TYLER CHARACTER,

SO I GUESS HE'S NOT A SUPER FAN.

[JAKE] NO, BUT RYAN IS.

[ROSE] YEAH, IF HE LOVES
HIM SO MUCH, WHY'D HE
SCRATCH ALL HIS EYES OUT?

[JAKE] DO WE HAVE AN ADDRESS
FOR RYAN BRENTON?

[DES] I CAN GET IT.

[LESLIE] HI THERE.

[MAYOR CLARKE] WELL,
BELIEVE IT OR NOT,

THAT IS NOT
THE STRANGEST CEREMONY
I HAVE EVER PRESIDED OVER.

[LESLIE] THANK GOD YOU'RE OKAY.

[MAYOR CLARKE] WELL, THANK GOD
THAT DOYLE GUY WAS THERE.

[LESLIE] IT'S NICE TO GET A
QUIET SECOND WITH YA ANYWAY.

YOU KNOW, UM, I'M NOT
SURE HOW MUCH MORE OF
THIS SECRECY THING I CAN

DEAL WITH. IT'S STARTING TO GET
ON MY NERVES, TO BE HONEST.

[MAYOR CLARKE] YEAH? YOU KNOW
IT'S CUZ I'M ASHAMED OF YOU,

RIGHT? TRULY, I'M JUST SAYING,
YOU'RE HORRIBLE TO LOOK AT.

[LESLIE] I'M SERIOUS. SORT OF.

[MAYOR CLARKE] LET'S JUST
TAKE OUR TIME, OKAY?

I MEAN, WE'LL SEE HOW YOU
FEEL IN A LITTLE WHILE.

YOU'RE GONNA FIND OUT SOONER OR
LATER THAT I'M A TOTAL DINK,
WAY TOO OLD FOR YOU,

AND ALL THE REST. SO, BEFORE WE
ANNOUNCE YOU ON THE BALLOT,

MAYBE WE SHOULD WAIT TO SEE
IF YOU DUMP ME FIRST.

[JAKE] HELLO? CRAZY, SUPER-FAN?

ANYONE HOME?

[JAKE] IS THIS LITERALLY
A LIST OF J.J.'S WORST FEARS?

[MAL] OKAY,
I'M EVEN GETTING FREAKED OUT.
THIS IS PRETTY WEIRD.

[JAKE] UH, YEAH. LOOK AT THIS.

EVERY ONE OF THESE DRAWERS IS
LABELED. THIS IS CREEPY MAN.

LOOK AT THIS. WOAH! JACKPOT.

"SQUID DUDE" MEMORABILIA.

[JAKE] YEAH, I KNOW.

I HAD THE BLUE ONE.
AH, SHHH. YOU HEAR THAT?

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
GO GET HIM! GO ON!

[KENT] LOOK GUYS, I'M NOT
THE STALKER. LEAH THE BLOGGER
WAS PAYING ME FOR DIRT.

I WAS LOOKING FOR THE TAPE.

[JAKE] SO WHAT WERE YOU DOING
AT RYAN'S?

[KENT] WEIRD KID. COLLECTS
EVERYTHING J.J.

I SOLD IT TO HIM A WHILE BACK,
ALONG WITH ALL THE OTHER
"CATFUD" STUFF.

NO ONE ELSE ON THE
PLANET HAS THIS TAPE.

[MAL] WHY ARE THE BUTTONS ON
THIS THING SO SMALL?

[JAKE] JUST GIVE IT TO ME,
WILL YA? I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE
YOU STILL HAVE A VCR.

[J.J.] BUT THESE PRISONERS ARE
JUST ENJOYING THE SUNNY DAY.

[RHONDA] THEN WE BETTA LOCK IT
DOWN!

[MAL] IS THAT RHONDA AS SQUID
GAL?

[KENT] YEAH. RHONDA WAS THE REAL
BRAINS OF THE TROOP. SHE AND

J.J., THEY WERE A BIG COUPLE.

THEN HE DUMPED HER, AND--
[JAKE] STOLE HER MATERIAL.

[KENT] EVERY WORD.

[MAL] I WONDER HOW THE NETWORK
WOULD REACT IF THEY FOUND OUT

THEIR NEW SHOW AS BASED ON
STOLEN MATERIAL.

[JAKE] WHAT'S THE NAME OF THIS
BIT?

[KENT] UM, THAT'S
"REVENGE...REVENGE OF THE SQUID

GAL." YEAH.

[JAKE] SO, I'M GUESSING THAT,
UH, ALL THESE; THEY'RE THE NAMES

OF OTHER SKETCHES?

[KENT] THERE'S ONLY THREE PEOPLE
IN WORLD WHO WOULD KNOW THAT.

ME, J.J. AND RHONDA.

[JAKE] AND RYAN, OUR SUPER FAN,
HE'D MAKE 4. CAN YOU REMEMBER

THE NAMES OF ANY OTHER ONES?

[KENT] WELL WE ALWAYS CLOSED
WITH "TAKE THE PLUNGE."

[JAKE] SORRY. EXCUSE ME. YEAH.

[J.J.] YEAH, IT'S ME.
WANNA DRINK?

[JAKE] SURE. JUST, UH,
STAY WHERE YOU ARE. IT'S J.J.

I'M GUESSING IT'S EITHER
RYAN OR RHONDA. IT HAS
TO BE ONE OF THEM.

WHERE ARE YOU?
I'M COMING TO YOU NOW.

[JAKE] HEY THERE.

[J.J.] YOU KNOW MARLON BRANDO,
HE HAD A STALKER.

SHE AND HER HUSBAND HAD A PLAN
TO KILL BRANDO AND TO EAT HIM.

[JAKE] I ACTUALLY ALREADY KNEW
THAT.

[J.J.] BUT SHE LOVED BRANDO
SO MUCH, SHE CONFESSED
EVERYTHING TO HIM.

[JAKE] OH YEAH? WHAT DID BRANDO
DO?

[J.J.] HE BANGED HER.

[JAKE] WELL, I WOULDN'T
NECESSARILY RECOMMEND THAT
COURSE OF ACTION FOR YOU,

IN THIS PARTICULAR SITUATION.

[J.J.] WE HAD A GIG UP HERE
ONCE. OUR LAST GIG. "CATFUD."

"TAKE THE PLUNGE," AT
THE END OF THE SHOW WE
PRETENDED TO JUMP OFF.

STUPID GAG, NEVER WORKED.

YOU WANNA KNOW A SECRET?

I'M NOT FUNNY. I NEVER WAS.

I'M A FRAUD.

[JAKE] I KNOW. RHONDA STRIDE.

YOU STOLE HER MATERIAL, AND THEN
YOU GOT RICH. THAT KINDA THING,

IT TENDS TO LEAVE A MARK.

[J.J.] I RIPPED OFF HER
ENTIRE ACT, 20 YEARS AGO.

SHE MADE ME FAMOUS. YOU GONNA
TURN ME IN? EXPOSE ME?

[JAKE] YOU HIRED ME TO FIND YOUR
STALKER, NOT FIND OUT WHERE YOU
GET YOUR CRAPPY MATERIAL.

[J.J.] RHONDA'S THE ONE WHO'S
BEEN MAKING THE THREATS.

[JAKE] LOOKS LIKE IT.

[J.J.] SHE WROTE ME, CALLED.
I NEVER OPENED ONE LETTER.
I SENT THEM ALL BACK.

I WAS AFRAID SHE'D GO
PUBLIC WITH THIS TAPE,
EXPOSE ME FOR WHAT I AM.

[JAKE] WE SHOULD GO TO
THE COPS NOW, BEFORE THIS GOES
ANY FURTHER.

[J.J.] YOU FIND HER.
I WANNA FACE HER ABOUT THIS.
I OWE HER THAT.

FINALLY, FINALLY.

[J.J.] WHAT? WHAT DO YA MEAN?

YEAH? YOU SERIOUS? UH, OKAY.

I'LL-- OKAY. FINE.
THEY JUST ORDERED THE SHOW.

I'VE BEEN PICKED UP.
IT'S GREEN LIT.

[JAKE] CONGRATULATIONS.

[J.J.] YOU JUST BRING ME RHONDA,
OKAY? I NEED TO FACE HER.
MAKE THIS RIGHT.

[DYLAN] TIN-TIN. SORRY, TINNY.

WHERE YA GOING? YOU NEED A RIDE?

[TINNY] I CAN WALK. THANKS.

[DYLAN] YOU KNOW, FEAR IS A REAL
HINDRANCE IN LIFE.

[TINNY] DEEP STUFF. GOOD ON YA!

[DYLAN] OKAY. PLEASE LET ME TAKE
YOU HOME.

[TINNY] DID YOU DRINK?

[DYLAN] NOT A DROP.

[TINNY] ALRIGHT.

RIGHT-HAND DRIVE. WEIRD.

[MAL] ROSE HAD A HELL OF A TIME
FINDING RHONDA'S ADDRESS.

[JAKE] BUT J.J., I DUNNO, IT
MIGHT BE JUST ME, BUT I ALMOST

FEEL LIKE THERE'S A CHANGE IN
HIM.

[MAL] HE GROWIN' ON YA?

[JAKE] WELL NO, I WOULDN'T SAY
THAT EXACTLY, MAYBE IT'S JUST
THE, YOU KNOW-- OW!

THE IDEA THAT RHONDA COULD BE
HIS STALKER. HIM KNOWING
THAT IS GIVING HIM EASE.

[MAL] RHONDA? WE'RE NOT HERE TO
CAUSE ANY TROUBLE. J.J. MURPHY
WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO YOU.

[JAKE] WE GOT BILLS, BILLS,

COUPLE OF INSURANCE CHEQUES.
HERE.

MAIL MAN! HELLO?

[MAL] RHONDA?

[JAKE] DOESN'T LOOK LIKE
ANYONE'S BEEN HERE FOR A WHILE.

CISPLATIN, ALTRETAMINE,
WHAT THE HELL'S THIS?

[MAL] CANCER DRUGS.

I SAW ENOUGH OF THOSE BEFORE.
WITH YOUR MOTHER.
BEFORE SHE DIED.

LOOKIE HERE, RYAN'S NOT THE ONLY
ONE WITH A J.J. OBSESSION.

[JAKE] WELL, AT LEAST RYAN'S
VERY NEAT ABOUT HIS.

[MAL] WOW, THESE ARE ALL
ADDRESSED TO J.J. IN NEW YORK.

[JAKE] "RETURN TO SENDER,"
"RETURN TO SENDER." "RETURN TO
SENDER" ON ALL OF THEM.

[MAL] J.J.'S HAIRBRUSH
THAT WAS STOLEN.

[JAKE] REALLY? THIS ONE'S
ADDRESS TO AN ALPHONSO PECK.

IT'S A PATERNITY TEST...
BETWEEN J.J. MURPHY AND RHONDA.

DAD? I THINK THIS KID,
ALPHONSO, IS J.J.'S SON.

[MAL] JAKE?

[JAKE] WELL, THERE'S RHONDA.

[MAL] THAT'S ONE MYSTERY SOLVED.

[LESLIE] YOU'RE IN
BIG TROUBLE HERE.

[JAKE] WHAT DO YOU
THINK HAPPENED?

I KILLED HER, I FROZE HER,
I FOUND HER, THEN I CALLED YOU?

LOOK, I'M AWARE I COME UP WITH
A LOT OF EXCUSES TO SEE YOU.

[LESLIE] YOU JUST STUMBLED UPON
RHONDA STRIDE'S BODY?

[MAL] THERE'S NO EXTERNAL
WOUNDS. I THINK SHE HAD
TERMINAL CANCER.

[LESLIE] YOU EXAMINED HER?

[JAKE] WELL, UH, YOU KNOW, JUST
A QUICK SCAN, NOTHING EXTENSIVE.

YOU KNOW, MOVED A FEW TV
DINNERS AROUND.

[MAL] FOUND SOME CHEQUES IN THE
MAILBOX. I'VE SEEN IT BEFORE.

BENEFICIARY HIDES THE
BODY TO KEEP COLLECTING
THE PENSION CHEQUES.

[LESLIE] THE SON, YEAH. WE'VE
BEEN TRYING TO TRACK HIM DOWN.
WHOEVER IT IS.

[JAKE] WE'RE FREE TO GO.

[LESLIE] THERE'S A BODY IN THE
FREEZER.

[JAKE] YUP.

[LESLIE] DON'T GO FAR, JAKE.

[JAKE] SO, LET'S TRACK DOWN
ALPHONSO. YOU THINKING WHAT I'M

THINKING?

[MAL] SUPER FAN WENT SUPER
CRAZY?

[J.J.] THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU
TOO. YOU IN PARTICULAR. HOW DO

YOU SPELL THAT? I'LL JUST BLUFF
IT. NOW I'D BE HAPPY TO SIGN ANY

BODY PARTS. ANYONE-- YES, HERE
WE GO. THERE WE GO. THAT'LL BE

$32.50. DON'T WORRY, I'LL PAY
YOU, SWEETHEART. UH, YOU HAVE TO

PUT IT ON FIRST BEFORE I'LL SIGN
IT. STAN! TYLER, TYLER!

[TYLER] YOU GO HIM, P.I.?

[DES] NICE WORK. I GOT HIM,
I GOT HIM. I GOT HIM.

[RYAN] I JUST WANTED TO GET HIM
TO SIGN IT.

[J.J.] OKAY, OKAY, FOLKS.

[RYAN] I LOVE YOU, J.J.!

[DES] WOAH-OH,
THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY.

[J.J.] GET ME OUTA HERE.

[STAN] TYLER, GET HIM OUTA HERE.
BRING THE CAR AROUND.

[J.J.] WE JUST WANTED TO MEET
THE FUNNIEST MAN IN THE WORLD.

[JAKE] WHERE'S J.J.?

[DES] I CAUGHT HIM. I GOT THE--
[RYAN] I'M NOT THE STALKER.

I LOVE J.J. I'M THE PRESIDENT
OF J.J.'S ONLINE FAN CLUB.
I HAVE CREDENTIALS.

[JAKE] WOAH-OH-OH, DES?

[DES] WHAT? OH YEAH, I GOT HIM.

[JAKE] IS YOUR NAME ALPHONSO?

[RYAN] WHAT? MY NAME'S RYAN.
RYAN BRENTON.

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, ASK MY
DAD. HE'S A SUPREME COURT JUDGE.

[MAL] IF YOU LOVE J.J. SO MUCH,
HOW COME YOU SCRATCHED
THE EYES OUT IN THOSE ALBUMS?

[RYAN] I DIDN'T! THEY WERE
LIKE THAT WHEN I BOUGHT THEM
FROM KENT.

I PAID 30 BUCKS FOR THEM,
BUT THEY'RE PRICELESS.

[JAKE] STAN, HOW OLD IS TYLER?

[STAN] ABOUT 26. DES,
YOU SAY THAT IN FAN FICTION,

THE WRITER WRITES HIMSELF
INTO A SCRIPT, RIGHT?

[DES] YEAH, YEAH. WHY?

[JAKE] SO IN TYLER'S SCRIPT
WAS--

[MAL] WAS THERE A CHARACTER
NAMED ALPHONSO?

[DES] YEAH, HE, HE'S THE LEAD.
HOW'D YOU KNOW?

[JAKE] I THINK I KNOW
WHERE THEY ARE.

[TYLER] DRINK UP.
YOU DESERVE IT.

[J.J.] THIS PLACE-- IT'S WEIRD
YOU BROUGHT ME UP HERE--

[TYLER] "CATFUD" DID THEIR LAST
SHOW HERE, HUH?

[J.J.] YEAH, HOW'D YOU KNOW
THAT?

[TYLER] YOU DID A ROOFTOP SHOW,
YOU PRETENDED YOU WERE THE

BEATLES, YOU HAD A SOLD OUT
CROWD. BUT THE AUDIENCE WAS,

UH--
[J.J.] UP HERE ON THE ROOF WITH

US. HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?

[TYLER] IT WAS RIGHT BEFORE YOU
AND KENT AND RHONDA BROKE OFF.

YOU TOOK OFF TO NEW YORK, AND
YOU STOLE SQUID GAL.

[J.J.] TYLER? DID I TELL YOU
THIS?

[TYLER] I HAD FUN BEING AROUND
YOU. WATCHING YOU WORK DUMPY

CLUBS, WATCHING YOU SUFFER. A
HACK. YOU'RE A TERRIBLE PERSON.

A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE PERSON.

DAD, SHE DIED... MOM.

[J.J.] UH?

[TYLER] SHE'S DEAD. SHE'S DEAD.

[J.J.] WAIT? WHA--
[TYLER] MY MOTHER, RHONDA, IS

DEAD. DID YOU HEAR THAT, DAD?

[J.J.] WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING
ME DAD?

[TYLER] YOU KNOW, I TOOK THIS
JOB TO GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER,

TO FIND OUT WHY. TO HURT YOU...

SOMEHOW.

[JAKE] IT'S TRUE, J.J. HE'S YOUR
SON. OKAY. LET'S JUST STAY CALM,

OKAY, TYLER.
[MAL] TAKE IT EASY.

[TYLER] JUST GET BACK! I'LL PUSH
HIM OVER AND I'LL GO WITH HIM.

I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.
JUST STAY BACK!

[MAL] OKAY.

[JAKE] WE FOUND
YOUR MOTHER, TYLER.
[MAL] THIS MORNING.

[TYLER] I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING
WRONG. SHE TOLD ME TO DO IT,

TO KEEP GETTING THE INSURANCE
CHEQUES. SHE WANTED ME TO GO TO

UNIVERSITY--
[J.J.] WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU

TALKING ABOUT--
[TYLER] STAY STILL!

[MAL] HE REALLY IS YOUR SON,
J.J.

[J.J.] WHATTA KNOW?
OH, WELL I DON'T SUPPOSE
ANYONE HAS A CIGAR?

[TYLER] ANOTHER JOKE, HUH, DAD?

[JAKE] WOAH. OKAY. LET'S JUST
STAY COOL HERE, YEAH?

[TYLER] JUST STAY BACK!

[J.J.] IF HE WANTS TO KILL ME,
LET HIM. YOU WANNA KILL ME KID?

GO AHEAD! I LOVED YOUR MOTHER. I
ALWAYS DID. AND YES, I AM A HACK

AND A THIEF. LET HIM KILL ME,
GUYS. IT'S OKAY. I AM A HACK.

YEAH, YEAH, LET HIM KILL ME.

[JAKE] YOU'RE NOT HELPING J.J.

JUST--

[J.J.] I HAVE A SON. HE WANTS TO
KILL ME, BUT, UH, EVEN SO, IT'S

BETTER THAN THE RELATIONSHIP I
HAD WITH MY FATHER.

[TYLER] WHY DID YOU DO IT? WHY
DID YOU RUIN HER LIFE?

[J.J.] I'M SORRY, KID. I, UM...

I'M REALLY SORRY.

[TYLER] NO!

[J.J.] HEY! HEY, DON'T HURT HIM.

HE'S MY SON.

RIGHT ON, BOY.

[MAL] WELCOME TO PARENTHOOD.

[JAKE] NOW THAT THERE,
THAT'S A REAL FATHER.

[JAKE] HEY, UM, NIKKI.

[NIKKI] HEY. LOOK AT YOU.

[JAKE] YEAH. JUST LOOK AT
YOU. UM, I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.

I BROUGHT A FRIEND. ALLISON,
THIS IS NIKKI. NIKKI, THIS IS

ALLISON.

[NIKKI] OH.

[ALLISON] HI.

[NIKKI] HELLO.

[DAVID] HEY, JAKE BUDDY, GLAD
YOU COULD MAKE IT. WE--

OH, WE WANTED TO INTRODUCE
YOU TO UH--
[NIKKI] NO, HONEY.

[JILL] HI. HELLO.

[JAKE] WELL I'M, UM, STARVED.

[DAVID] SO, UM, ALLISON, YOU'RE-
YOU'RE A LAWYER, RIGHT?

[ALLISON] YOU KNOW, I THINK
I LEFT MY BERRY IN THE CAR,

SO I'M JUST GONNA,
I'M JUST GONNA GO GET IT--

I'M SORRY, I'LL
JUST BE A MINUTE.

[JAKE] I'LL BE-- I'LL JUST BE
RIGHT BACK. JUST...

[ALLISON] SO YOU TAKE
ME TO A DINNER

WHERE YOUR EX-WIFE IS TRYING TO
SET YOU UP WITH ANOTHER WOMAN?

[JAKE] SORRY ABOUT THAT.

[ALLISON] IT'S A-HELL-OF
A FIRST DATE.

[JAKE] I'M A CLASSY GUY,
WHAT CAN I SAY?

[ALLISON] WELL YOU'RE AN
ORIGINAL, THAT'S FOR SURE.

YOU THINK THIS IS GOING
WHERE YOU THINK IT IS GOING?

[JAKE] I HAVE NO IDEA.

[ALLISON] I NEED TO GET THAT.

[JAKE] YEAH, OKAY.

[ALLISON] IT'S MY HUSBAND.

*HEY MISTER JIM I CAN SEE
THE SHAPE YOU'RE IN*

*FINGER ON YOUR EYEBROW*

*AND LEFT HAND ON YOUR HIP*

*THINKING THAT YOU'RE

SUCH A LADY KILLER*

*THINK YOU'RE SO SLICK*

*WELL ALL RIGHT*

*OOH-OOH-OOH-OOH-OOH-OOH*