All language subtitles for Barbie.2023.BDRip.x264-PiGNUS

Since the beginning of time,

since the first little girl
ever existed,

there have been dolls.

But the dolls were always
and forever baby dolls.

The girls who played with them

could only ever play
at being mothers.

Which can be fun,
at least for a while anyway.

Ask your mother.

This continued until...

Yes,
Barbie changed everything.

Then, she changed it all again.

All of these women are Barbie,

and Barbie is
all of these women.

She might have started out as
just a lady in a bathing suit,

but she became so much more.

She has her own money,
her own house,

her own car, her own career.

Because Barbie can be anything,
women can be anything.

And this has been reflected back

onto the little girls of today
in the Real World.

Girls can grow into women,

who can achieve everything

and anything
they set their mind to.

Thanks to Barbie,

all problems of feminism and
equal rights have been solved.

At least
that's what the Barbies think.

After all,
they're living in Barbie Land.

Who am I to burst their bubble?

And here is one
of those Barbies now,

living her best day every day.

When you're playing
with Barbies...

nobody bothers
to walk them down the stairs

and out the door, et cetera.

You just pick them up

and put them
where you want them to go.

You use your imagination.

- Hi, Barbie.
- Hi, Skipper.

- Hi, Barbie.
- And Midge.

Midge was
Barbie's pregnant friend.

Let's not show Midge, actually.

She was discontinued by Mattel

because a pregnant doll
is just too weird.

Anyway, Barbie has another
big day ahead of her.

Hi, Barbie!

- Hi, Barbie.
- Morning, Barbie. Hi.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- Another great day.
- Good morning, Barbie.

Hi.

- Hey, ladies. Hi.
- Good morning!

Everybody, turn to the Barbie next to you.
Tell her how much you love her.

Compliment her.

Reporter Barbie, you can ask me
any question you want.

Well, how come
you're so amazing?

No comment.

No, seriously, no comment.

Ah, I love you guys.

The Nobel Prize for Journalism
goes to... Barbie.

I work very hard,
so I deserve it.

And the Nobel Prize
for Literature

goes to... Barbie.

- You're the voice of a generation.
- I know.

In our assessment,
money is not speech,

and corporations have no free
speech rights to begin with.

So any claim on their part
to be exercising a right

is just their attempt to turn
our democracy into a plutocracy.

This makes me emotional,
and I'm expressing it.

I have no difficulty
holding both logic

and feeling at the same time.

And it does not
diminish my powers.

It expands them.

Hi, Barbie.

What can't Barbie do?

Hi, Barbie.

Yay, space!

Gosh.

Barbie has
a great day every day,

but Ken only has a great day
if Barbie looks at him.

Hi, Barbie!

Hi, Ken.

- Hi, Barbie!
- Hi, Barbie!

Hi, Barbie.

- Hi, Ken.
- Hi, Ken.

- Hi, Ken.
- Hi, Ken.

- Hi, Ken.
- I got us both ice creams.

- Cool.
- Hi, Barbie.

- Hi, Barbie.
- Hi, Barbie.

- Hi, Barbie.
- Hi, Barbie.

Hi, Barbie.

- Hi, Barbie!
- Hi, Ken.

- Hi, Barbie.
- Hi, Ken.

- Hi, Barbie.
- Hi, Barbie.

Hi, Barbies.

- Bye, Barbies.
- Bye, Barbie.

Hi, Barbie.

Oh, hi, Allan.

There are no multiples of Allan.
He's just Allan.

Yeah, I'm... I...
confused about that.

Hey, Barbie. Check me out.

Ken!

No!

Oh, no!

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, no!

That's gotta hurt.

- Ken.
- Oh, hey, Barbie.

- Hi.
- How much of that did you see?

We saw the whole thing.

Let's get you up on your feet, Ken.
There you go.

- You guys are so strong.
- Use your legs. There he is.

- You okay?
- Yep. Totally.

Looks like this beach was
a little too much beach for you, Ken.

If I wasn't severely injured,

I would beach you off
right now, Ken.

I'll beach off with you
any day, Ken.

Hold my ice cream, Ken.

All right, Ken, you're on.

Let's beach off.

Anyone who wants
to beach him off

has to beach me off first.

I will beach both of you off
at the same time.

But you don't even know
how to beach yourself off.

How you gonna beach
both of us off?

- Kens?
- It doesn't make sense.

- Why are you getting emotional?
- So you can beach yourself off!

Come on, Kens. Nobody's gonna
beach anyone off.

Okay?

Let's go.

- Okay, okay.
- Okay.

- You did so well.
- You still hurt?

We'll get you fixed up.

- Go!
- Go!

- Barbie, hold my hand!
- You're okay.

Stay with me, Barbie!

Great.

Not even broken. You'll be fine.

Shredding waves is much more
dangerous than people realize.

You're very brave, Ken.

- Thank you, Barbie.
- Yeah.

- You know surfer is not even my job.
- I know.

And it is not lifeguard, which
is a common misconception.

- Very common.
- Because actually my job...

- it's just beach.
- Right.

And what a good job
you do at beach.

You should heal up in no time.

Actually, in the time
that it took for me

to say that sentence,
you healed.

- Fantastic.
- Nice.

- Hey, Barbie.
- Yeah?

Can I come to your house
tonight?

- Sure. I don't have anything big planned.
- Yes.

Just a giant blowout party
with all the Barbies

and planned choreography
and a bespoke song.

You should stop by.

- So cool.
- Yeah.

- Okay. Bye.
- Okay. Bye. Goodbye.

- Hi, Barbie.
- Hi, Ken.

- Looking good, Barbie.
- Thanks, Ken.

- Oh, hi, Ken.
- Hi!

- Yes, yes, yes!
- Hi, Barbie.

- Hi, Barbie.
- Barbies!

What's up, Ken?

Hey, Barbie. Check me out.

Bet you can't do a flip
like that, Ken!

What?

This is a real rager, Barbie.

Thanks, Barbie. Gosh,
this night is just perfect.

It's perfectly perfect.

And you look so beautiful,
Barbie.

Thanks, Barbie.
I feel so beautiful.

- So do I.
- This is the best day ever.

It is the best day ever.

And so is yesterday,
and so is tomorrow,

and so is the day after
tomorrow and even Wednesdays

and every day
from now until forever.

Yeah, Barbie!

You guys ever think about dying?

I don't know
why I just said that.

I'm just dying to dance.

You can go now.

I thought
I might stay over tonight.

Why?

Because
we're girlfriend/boyfriend.

To do what?

I'm actually not sure.

Oh, but I don't want you here.

Is it Ken?

Ken's just a really good friend.

And this is my Dreamhouse.
It's Barbie's Dreamhouse.

It's not Ken's Dreamhouse.
Right?

Right as always.

Okay. And it's girls' night.

Come on, Barbie! Slumber party!

Hurry up. The President's here.

I am. You're welcome.

- Every night is girls' night.
- Every night. Forever.

- Every night.
- Forever and ever.

- Good night.
- Good night.

I love you too.

Girls' night! Girls' night!

Girls' night! Girls' night!

I can't. I gotta go.

Girls' night! Girls' night!
Girls' night!

Girls' night! Girls' night!
Girls' night!

Good night, Barbies! I'm definitely
not thinking about death anymore.

Hi, Barbie.

Hi, Barbie.

Hi, Barbie.

Ooh, girl, you okay?

Hi, Barbie.

I'm fine. A-okay.

- You got it, Barbie.
- Let's go, Barbie!

Great cheer, Kens.

High five!

Hey, Barbie.

- Come on, Barbie. Let's run towards the water.
- Okay.

My feet!

Oh, no.

Yes! So good!

Hey, Barbie.

- Hi.
- Are you okay?

- Hey, Barbie.
- Yeah, Barbie. I just fell.

- Fell?
- I'm so embarrassed.

- Barbie doesn't get embarrassed.
- I know.

Barbie, I don't even
have context for this,

but my feet...
my heels are on the ground.

I'm no longer on tiptoes.

That's okay. Let me see.

Flat feet!

Oh, no!

Stop it, Ken.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I know I'm Stereotypical Barbie

and therefore
don't form conjectures

concerning the causality
of adjacent unfolding events,

but some things have been
happening that might be related.

Bad breath this morning,
a cold shower,

burnt waffle,
and falling off my roof.

You're malfunctioning.

What? No, I'm just, I'm...

Am I?

I've never seen this kind of malfunction
before. It's usually just hair-related.

You know, you're gonna have to
visit Weird Barbie.

I have never
had to visit Weird Barbie.

That's because
you've never malfunctioned.

I heard that she used to be
the most beautiful Barbie of all,

but then someone played with
her too hard in the Real World.

And now she's fated to an eternity
of making other Barbies perfect

while falling more and more
into disrepair herself.

That, and we all call her
Weird Barbie

both behind her back
and also to her face.

She's so weird.

Why is she always in the splits?

I would never wear heels
if my feet were shaped this way.

Hello?

Woof.

Bark.

Woof.

Bark.

Hey.

What's cookin', good-lookin'?

- Hi.
- Welcome.

Welcome to my Weirdhouse.

- Hi, how are ya?
- Nice to meet you.

Sorry about the dog crap.
What can I do ya for?

I just had to come see you
about my feet.

They're...

- Flat.
- Yeah.

Never seen that before.

Really?

Okay. Well, can you,
you know, fix them?

You're Stereotypical Barbie,
right?

That Ken of yours, he is one
nice-looking little protein pot.

I guess.

I'd like to see what kind of nude blob
he's packing under those jeans.

- Anyway, what preceded this?
- Oh, nothing.

A really fun game of volleyball.

- That's it?
- Thoughts of death.

What is it?

Maybe some thoughts of death?

Thoughts of death!

Is that a problem?

- What?
- I've heard of this.

Of course, I didn't think
it was possible, but it's real.

Oh, you've done it.
You've opened a portal.

I didn't open a portal.

Someone did. And now,
there is a rip in the continuum

that is the membrane between
Barbie Land and the Real World,

and if you wanna be
Stereotypical Barbie perfect again,

then, baby girl,
you gotta go fix it.

Or you're gonna keep going funny.
Look at your upper thigh.

- What is that?
- That's cellulite.

- That's gonna spread everywhere.
- What?

And then you're gonna start getting
sad and mushy and complicated.

No!

What do I have to do?

You have to go

- to the Real World.
- Okay.

And you have to find the girl
who's playing with you.

Playing with me?

We're all being played with,
babe.

But usually there's some kind
of separation. Thanks.

There's the girl and the doll.
And never the twain shall cross.

- The twain is crossing?
- Yes.

And the girl who's playing
with you, she must be sad,

and her thoughts and feelings
and humanness

are interfering
with your dollness.

Why would she be sad?

We fixed everything so that
all women in the Real World

can be happy and powerful.

I don't know, but if you ask me,

- you had something to do with this too.
- Me?

- Takes two to rip a portal.
- I can't have.

I've only ever wanted

for everything
to stay exactly as it is.

Well, be that as it may,

the two of you are becoming
inextricably intertwined.

And you gotta help her
to help yourself.

So, should...

So, what'll it be then?

You can go
back to your regular life

and forget any of this
ever happened,

or you can know the truth
about the universe.

The choice is now yours.

The first one. The high heel.

No. We'll do a re-do.

You're supposed to want to know.

I don't.

Babe, listen.

You have to want to know, okay?
Do it again.

I'm not Adventure Barbie.
I'm Stereotypical Barbie.

I'm like the Barbie you think of

when someone says,
think of a Barbie.

That's me.

I'm bummed. You're a bummer.
That's a bummer.

Okay, I'm ready to forget now.

No! You're doing this one!

I just gave you a choice so you
could feel some sense of control.

- So there is no option one?
- No!

You have to fix the rip
yourself.

Don't blame me, blame Mattel.
They make the rules.

Oh, I don't want to.

Fine, get cellulite.
I don't care.

No! No, no, no. No. Okay. Yeah.

Send me through the portal.

Okay.
There's actually no portal.

It's a figure of speech.

It's actually a sports car
to a speedboat,

to a rocket ship,
to a tandem bike,

to a camper van, fun,
to a snowmobile,

which will take you
most of the way

to the state of Los Angeles,

where you will don neon
and Rollerblades,

and enter
the country of California.

Weird, I know. Best if you
don't think about it too much.

And then when I get there,
how do I find this girl?

You will know.

Okay. And how do I get back?

The same way you came,
but in reverse.

Like I should move forward but
do the order backward or go...

- Don't overthink it.
- Okay.

For you see, if you do not
find her and fix things,

what's ugly will become uglier,

and what's weird
will become weirder.

And then you'll look like me.

Sorry.

I understand.
I set myself up for that.

- Anyway, I believe in you.
- Thank you.

Go. Be careful. I love you.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Bon voyage to reality,

and good luck
restoring the membrane

that separates
our world from theirs

so you don't get cellulite!

- I guess she's going without you.
- You're so lost, Ken.

She literally asked me.

And I was like,
I prefer to stay here.

Why? Are you scared?

- No.
- I bet you're scared.

And I bet she doesn't
even want you to go.

Well, you bet
both those things incorrectly,

and I bet
in the opposite direction.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Which way is that?

You don't even know.

I just don't want to leave. I'm
trying to find reasons not to leave.

Please stay.

I'm gonna miss you guys so much.

I just wish someone could come
with me, but you can't.

I should do this alone.

- What bird am I thinking of?
- Parrot.

Dolphin. I mean, no, a bird.

Pelican.

Man.

We'll miss you, Barbie.

I'll be back in no time,
with perfect feet,

and we'll forget
that this ever happened.

And you'll get to see all the good
work we've done to fix the world.

You'll be such a hero to them.

All those grateful,
powerful women

who owe their wonderful lives
to Barbie.

I'll bet every woman
will say thank you

and give you a really big hug.

Yes, you're right. Here I go.

Bye.

- Bye, Barbie.
- Bye.

Bye, Barbie.
Good luck in reality.

Watch for cellulite!

I went to the doctor,
I went to the mountains

I looked to the children,
I drank from the fountains

There's more than one answer
to these questions

Pointing me
in a crooked line

And the less I seek my source
for some definitive

Closer I am to fine

- Closer I am to fi...
- Closer I am to fi...

What are you doing here?

I'm coming with you.

- No. Please get out.
- I can't.

I made a double bet with Ken,

and you can't make me
look uncool in front of Ken.

Ken's not cool!

He is to me.

You're just gonna slow me down.

Barbie, what if there's beach?

You'll need someone
who's a professional in that.

Did you bring your Rollerblades?

I literally go nowhere
without them.

- Please?
- Okay.

Let's do this.

- Can I sit in the front?
- No.

And so Barbie and Ken set off

on their adventure to the Real World.

Hi!

Barbie...

Yes!

This is the Real World.

Barbie, I told you
there'd be beach.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah!

What's going on?

Give us a smile, blondie.

Why are these men looking at me?

Yeah, they're also
staring at me.

Ooh, love that!

I feel kind of ill
at ease. Like...

I don't know the word for it,
but I'm...

Nice leotard.

Conscious, but it's myself
that I'm conscious of.

I'm not getting
any of that.

I feel what could only
be described as admired.

- Damn, girl!
- But not ogled.

You're hot.

And there's no undertone
of violence.

Mine very much has
an undertone of violence.

Oh, look, a construction site.

We need
that good feminine energy.

- Yeah.
- Ladies!

You got fries with that shake?

If I said you had a hot body,
would you hold it against me?

Have I died
and gone to heaven?

Is that a mirror
in your pocket?

- Baby, you are an angel.
- I can see myself in your shorts.

I don't know exactly what you
meant with all of those little quips,

but I'm picking up
on some sort of entendre,

which appears to be double,

and I would just like
to inform you,

I do not have a vagina.

And he does not have a penis.

We don't have genitals.

- That's okay.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, whatever. Yeah.
- It's cool.

I have all the genitals.

Geez, you would think a
construction site at lunch time

would be the perfect place
for a little woman power,

but this one was so... male.

Everything is almost like...
reversed here.

Oh, look!

The Supreme Court.

- They're so smart.
- Yeah.

Yeah, bruh! Do it, bro!

I love me a leotard.

I love the elbow pads.

I think we should get
some different clothes.

We look great.

- I love fringe.
- I love denim.

Hey, man.

You guys gotta pay
for that stuff.

She looks even better
in more clothes.

Because you can imagine more.

You know what? Keep 'em.

Weird Barbie said I would know
how to find this girl,

but I have no idea.

What would a smart Barbie do?

I just need to clear my mind
so I can think.

Who is playing with me?

I hate it when people think.
I get so bored.

Faster I figure it out,
the faster we get to go home.

- What am I supposed to do?
- Ken!

- Go for a walk or something.
- By myself?

- Yes.
- Really? Where?

Anywhere.

- Can I go that way?
- Yes. Okay.

- Don't go far.
- Okay!

Excuse me, sir.

Thanks, man.

What's up, man?

- We've got to man up on this one.
- Great workout, man.

Men, men, men.

- You're the man!
- No, you're the man!

Men, men, men!

Based on the ROI,
we are exceeding expectations.

- Good stuff. So I'm not worried about it.
- Excuse me...

Not now, Margaret.
Let's shake on this.

- We are gonna make a lot of money.
- We are officially important.

Yes!

That felt...

achy, but good.

I'm actually trying to make this work.

How?
By calling me a lunatic?

That's not
how you make things work.

I don't know what this is all...

You're so beautiful.

I know it.

Barbie! Barbie!

Yes!

I've got it!

Oh, what do you got?

- You go first.
- No, no, you go.

- We'll go at the same time.
- Okay.

- She's at school.
- Men rule the world!

- What was that?
- The kid's at the school?

But what did you say?

- Nothing.
- Okay.

- Well, let's go to the school.
- Okay!

Now, come on.

- Hello.
- This is Dan of the FBI.

This is Aaron at Mattel.

I don't give a flying squirrel
who you are, Aaron.

- What are you, like an intern?
- No, I'm...

Two of your dolls
have gotten loose.

Impossible.

- How do you know?
- Don't sass me, Aaron.

Couple of blondes,
answering to Barbie and Ken.

Rollerblading in Santa Monica.

We're gonna need Mattel's help
landing the eagle.

Don't crap the bed, Aaron!

I won't.

This is bad. This is really bad.

- What?
- This happened before.

What? When?

I heard about ten years ago,
a woman named Skipper

turned up at some family's home
in Key West.

Asked to babysit the kids.

She then tried to take
their toddler surfing.

- Geez.
- I know.

They were able to straighten
it out, keep it under wraps,

but this is serious.

- I'm going all the way up.
- No one goes all the way up.

- I have to.
- You may never come back.

I know.

Closer I am to fine

- Hey.
- Oh, hi, Aaron.

- New drawings?
- Yeah.

I just started drawing
these weird designs.

These are different.

It's Irrepressible
Thoughts of Death Barbie.

Full Body Cellulite Barbie.

Crippling Shame Barbie.

Okay. Listen, I have to
speak to the top brass.

- No.
- I must.

- No.
- I'm going to.

Aaron, they're in a big corporate
idea sesh. No one is to be admitted.

- Aaron! Aaron! Aaron, stop!
- Always be empowering girls.

Always!

But what do we really sell?
I'll tell you what.

- We sell dreams.
- Aaron.

And imagination!

And sparkle!

I get excited. I'm passionate.

And when you think of sparkle,
what do you think of after that?

Female agency.

Excuse me.

- Who are you?
- Aaron Dinkins, sir.

We're in the middle of a major
sit-down here, Aaron Dinkins.

I think you're gonna want
to hear this, sir.

Can you just e-mail it?
And you can send it to me EOD.

End of day.

- That's cool.
- Yeah.

May I put it
in a whisper, sir?

Fine. Whisper me.

No. No!

No.

- Get the chair!
- Take the cart.

They're okay.

- You all right?
- He's okay.

- Okay.
- He's okay.

It's a repeat
of Skipper in Key West.

And with all due respect,
that was Skipper, sir.

This is... Barbie.

If this got out

that our dolls were coming
to Los Angeles from Barbie Land

as life-size versions
of themselves...

Roaming the earth...

this would be very bad.

Barbie in the Real World?

That's impossible.

We've got a definite situation
on our hands.

Catastrophic!

- I can't stress that enough!
- What?

- What's your name again?
- Aaron Dinkins, sir.

- Aaron Dickinson?
- Dinkins.

Yes! Aaron.

Is Barbie Land
like an alternate reality

or is it like a place
where your imagination...

Yes!

Okay.

Think of it as a town
in Sweden, Aaron Dinkins.

Sweden.

Right.

How much do you weigh?

It doesn't matter.

Sounds like a job for the box.

No one rests until this doll
is back in a box.

Look, Davy Crockett
Junior High School,

just like I saw in my vision.

A man on a horse.

I've started to get all these
weirdo feelings.

Like, I have fear
with no specific object.

- What is that?
- It's anxiety.

I have it too.
They're just awful at this age.

I feel amazing.

That's because kids don't
take it out on the dads.

She's gotta
be here somewhere.

I need to find her soon.

I'm just gonna pop
into the library

and see if I can find any
books on trucks.

Okay, just don't get in trouble.

I won't!

What are you doing?

Oh, what's that girl's name?

That's Sasha.

Hey, Sasha!

Don't talk to her.

Sasha can talk to you, but
you can never talk to Sasha.

- She'll crush you.
- Don't worry.

Everyone really likes me
and thinks I'm cool and pretty.

Thank you.

Hey, ladies. Sasha, what's up?

Who are you?

I'm only your favorite woman
of all time.

Barbie!

You really think you're Barbie?

- Yeah.
- She's crazy.

Do you think she escaped
from like an insane asylum?

So you're like Barbie Barbie?
Like a professional bimbo?

No. Barbie's not a bimbo.

Barbie is a doctor and a lawyer
and a senator

and a Nobel Prize winner.

You're a Nobel Prize winner?

No, not me, but Barbie is.

Yeah.

Aren't you guys gonna thank me
and give me a big hug?

For being your favorite toy?

We haven't played with Barbie
since we were like five years old.

Yeah, I hated dolls with hair.

I mean, I'd play with Barbie,
but it was, like, the last resort.

I loved Barbie.

Anyways, even then,
it was horrible for us.

It was horrible?

Why?

- Come on, Sasha.
- Give it to her.

Destroy Barbie.

Okay, Barbie, let's do this.

You've been making women feel bad
about themselves since you were invented.

I think you have that
the wrong way around.

You represent everything wrong
with our culture.

Sexualized capitalism,
unrealistic physical ideals...

No, no, no. You're describing
something stereotypical.

Barbie is so much more
than that.

Look at yourself.

Well, I am technically
Stereotypical Barbie.

You set the feminist movement
back 50 years.

You destroy
girls' innate sense of worth

and you are killing the planet

with your glorification
of rampant consumerism.

No, I'm supposed to help you
and make you happy and powerful.

Oh, I am powerful.

And until you showed up here
and declared yourself Barbie,

I hadn't thought about you
in years, you fascist!

Okay.

It's happening again.
I have to...

Will you excuse me?

It was really nice
talking to you.

They never listen.

Excuse me, sir,
do you have the time?

You respect me.

Sorry, no,
do you know what time it is?

No, I do not.

Okay.

Why didn't Barbie tell me
about patriarchy,

which, to my understanding,

is where men and horses
run everything?

Sure.

I shall seek my fortune there.

All right. So...

I'll take a high-level, high-paying
job with influence, please.

Okay, you'll need
at least an MBA.

And a lot of our people
have PhDs.

Isn't being a man enough?

Actually, right now,
it's kind of the opposite.

You guys are clearly not doing
patriarchy very well.

No! No. We're...

We're doing it well, yeah.
We just... hide it better now.

No, I won't let you do
just one appendectomy.

- But I'm a man.
- But not a doctor.

- Please?
- No.

- Can I talk to a doctor?
- You are talking to a doctor.

- Can you get me a coffee?
- No.

- And I need a clicky pen.
- No.

- And a white coat.
- No.

- And a sharp thing.
- No.

- There he is. Doctor!
- Somebody get security.

I'd like to apply
for your job of beach.

So, you want to be a lifeguard?

I'm not trained
to go over there.

I'm trained to stand
confidently right here.

There's nobody in danger here.

And even if there were,
I'm not trained to save them.

Then I can't hire you.

I can't even beach here!

She thinks I'm a fascist?

I don't control the railways
or the flow of commerce.

- There you are.
- Oh, no.

That went terrible.

I need to find somewhere where
I can start patriarchy fresh.

Miss Barbie?

It's just Barbie.

We're gonna need you
to come with us.

- Who are you?
- We're Mattel.

- Mattel?
- Mattel.

Oh, thank goodness!

I've gotta talk
to somebody in charge.

Everything is backwards here.

Men look at me
like I'm an object.

Girls hate me.

Everyone thinks I'm crazy,
and I keep getting arrested.

Need you to step this way,
ma'am.

I also just learned to cry.

First, I got one tear
and then I got a whole bunch.

What do I do? Do I follow Barbie

into that scary unmarked
black truck car?

A truck car
I'd like to have actually.

You're right, she's fine.
It's Mattel.

- Yeah.
- I know.

I'll go back to Barbie Land, and
I'll tell the Kens what I've learned.

Oh, it's going to be beautiful!

Okay.

- Back to Barbie Land.
- Let's go that way.

- Hi, Bunny Boo-Boo.
- Don't call me that.

Sorry. I'm off early
because of a crisis at work,

but I thought we could
go get some soft serve.

Thank God
they arrested that nutjob.

That reality-challenged woman.

She thinks she's Barbie.

Wait, what did you say?

She thinks she's Barbie.
She's, like, fully convinced.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Mom. Mom!

Mom, get back in the car!

Are you kidding me?

Mom!

Mattel! Of course it was
you guys that brought me here.

Because it definitely wasn't
that Sasha girl.

Thanks for the ride.
This has been so much fun.

Wow, the mothership!

- Barbie!
- We're so happy to see you.

- Hi!
- Would you like some mineral water?

Yes, thank you.

Oh, thanks.

I'm not used to that
having anything in it.

Thank you.

So, we've been very anxious to
get some quality face-time with you.

Of course. So what can I do

to repair the rift
in the space-time continuum,

get my feet back,
and that one cellulite gone,

and just generally not
turn into Weird Barbie?

We have been discussing
that very topic.

If you're agreeable to it,
we would love it

if you could just get
into that giant box.

Get into the box and you'll go
back to Barbie Land.

And everything will be
as it was.

You know what? We should
probably get Ken first.

Ken?

Ken.

You know, Ken. Barbie and Ken.

- Yes, Ken. Yeah.
- Ken. The guy. Yeah.

Back to Barbie Land!

I'm gonna be sick.
I'm gonna be sick.

Ken isn't something
we're worried about.

Ever.

Okay, I'll just...
I'll get in the box then.

All right! Yes!

But since I came
all this way,

could I just meet
the woman in charge,

your CEO?

Oh, that would be me.

- Your CFO.
- Me.

- Your COO.
- Here.

President
of the Barbie division.

- Present.
- I'm a man with no power.

Does that make me a woman?

Are any women in charge?

Listen, I know exactly
where you're going with this,

and I have to say
I really resent it.

We are a company
literally made of women.

We had a woman CEO in the '90s.

And there was another one...

at some other time.

So that's...
That's two right there.

Women are the freaking
foundation of this very long

phallic building.

We have gender-neutral
bathrooms up the wazoo.

Every single one of these men
love women.

I'm the son of a mother.

I'm the mother of a son.

I'm... I'm the nephew
of a woman aunt.

Some of my best friends
are Jewish.

What I'm trying to say is...

Get in the box, you Jezebel!

What? I can't say Jezebel now?

I haven't been in a box in ages.

See? It's easy.

Oh, okay.

Oh, my gosh. I remember
this smell.

I'm having a real
Proustian flashback.

Remember Proust Barbie? That
did not sell very well.

You know what?
Before I get in the box,

could I just run to the restroom

and make sure
my hair is perfect?

Fine.
Can you be speedy about it?

- Down this way?
- It's just down the hallway.

- Thank you.
- On the right.

I guess she really
had to go to the bathroom.

Get that Barbie!

Don't you dare push
that button. Let me push it.

I said get that Barbie!

Where's Barbie?

I'm gaining on you.

I'll capture you.

Barbie!

It's quicker to go
over the cubicles.

- It's quicker!
- Sure.

- Get that Barbie!
- Barbie!

- Barbie!
- Damn it, Barbie!

Barbie!

I'm gonna get you!
Barbie!

Don't worry. You're safe here.

What is this place?

I always find
I think best at kitchen tables.

Tea?

Yes, please.

So a woman does work here.

Oh, sweetie,
we do more than work here.

Thank you.

What?

It's because I don't know
how to drink tea?

No. You look different.

It's not how I normally look.
I usually look perfect.

Oh, I don't know.

I think you're just right.

Real World isn't
what I thought it was.

It never is.

And isn't that marvelous?

Who are you?

Which way did she go?
Who saw her last?

If you go
through that closet,

you'll find a stairwell
down to the lobby.

- Find her!
- Okay.

Thank you...

Ruth.

Ruth. Thank you, Ruth.

You're welcome, Barbie.

Oh, we got her! There she is!

Key card!

- Wait.
- I don't have my key card.

Get in!

Now! Get in now!

Come on.

Okay.

Oh, no!
Now we're never gonna get Barbie!

Oh, we didn't need it!

Barbie!

Let's form a plan here.

I would normally have shotgun.
I'll go in the first one.

Hang on.

God, I hope
nobody from school saw us

put a life-size Barbie
in our car.

- How did this even happen?
- I don't know.

How are you here?
You're like an idea.

A great idea.

So, I've been
a little lonely lately.

And I found those Barbies
we used to play with...

- I thought we gave those away.
- Well, I started playing with them.

And making drawings like
we used to do. Remember?

Because I thought
it would be joyful.

- Was it?
- No, it wasn't.

I got sad and weird,

and then the drawings
got sad and weird,

and maybe
because I couldn't be like you,

I ended up making you like me.

Did any of these drawings
by chance

have thoughts
of death and cellulite?

Yes! Irrepressible
Thoughts of Death Barbie.

- Oh, my God!
- And Cellulite!

- I came for you!
- You came for me!

Those were your memories.

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Hello? Are you two,
like, shining?

No! No, it's nothing like that.

- Are you shining with a real Barbie?
- No!

I mean, maybe.
Like a little, yes.

I don't even know
where to start

with this
wishing-a-Barbie-to-life crap.

Oh, Sasha, listen.

I'm just a boring mom with a boring
job and a daughter who hates me.

Can you blame me for wanting
to have a little fun?

I gotta lose these chuckleheads.

Mom!

I think I owe you ladies
an apology.

I thought that Barbie
had made the Real World better,

but the Real World is forever
and irrevocably messed up!

Well, the Real World is not
perfect, but you inspired me.

I love women.
I want to help women.

Oh, come off it,
everybody hates women.

Women hate women,
and men hate women.

It's the one thing
we can all agree on.

- Is that true?
- It's complicated.

- Hate is a strong word.
- Wake up, Mom!

I am wide awake, Sasha!

Mom, where did you learn
to drive like this?

- There was this guy.
- Was it Dad?

Yeah, yeah, it was...
It was Dad.

Okay, duck.

- You look so pretty.
- Don't look at me.

Okay, sorry.

I can't hold them off forever.
Where can we go?

Wait, I have an idea.
Can you get us to Venice Beach?

Sure can.

I love Rollerblades.
Where are we going?

- Barbie Land.
- What? Mom!

Are you really gonna let Barbie

take you and your tween
daughter to an imaginary land?

Yes, and you wanna know why?
Because I never get to do anything.

I didn't even go on that cruise
I won at your school raffle

because I didn't have enough vacation
days and your dad's allergic to sun.

- Oh.
- What about Dad? We can't just leave him!

He'll be fine.

Bolígrafos.

Bolígrafos.

Bolígrafos.

Yeah, yeah. He'll be fine.

Ready for fun?

- Yes!
- Great!

Here we go!

Come on and feel the magic.

Where are we?

How did we get
into these clothes?

How did we get
into this vehicle?

When I was a kid,
I lost these boots

and my mom wouldn't let me
buy a whole new Barbie

just to replace the boots.

- They look so good on you.
- Why, thank you.

- Hey, you!
- She was always my favorite Barbie.

You're my favorite human.

Don't tell him,
but I never got a Ken.

That's because Ken
is totally superfluous.

I didn't say that.

Women hold all major positions
of power, control all the money.

Basically, everything
that men do in your world,

women do in ours.

I mean,
that sounds kind of cool.

Sasha, look, dolphins!

Closer I am to fine

Yeah

Closer I am to fine

What is this song?

Oh, and we have
a female president

and it's fun and work
and friendship and female 24/7.

Do giant hands come in
and play with you?

No, that's crazy.

Excuse me. Have you seen
a group of women on wheels?

Actually, yeah,

there was a blonde,
a brunette and a tween.

They Rollerbladed
in that direction.

Oh, no.

First step
is always Rollerblading.

Excuse me, sir?

They've gone to Barbie Land.

- Oh, no.
- And she's brought humans there with her.

This could mean extremely
weird things for our world.

Like what?

Nothing any of our collective
imaginations

could ever dream up.

A podcast
hosted by two wise trees.

Or a choir
of 2,000 young fathers.

Not even close.
We've got to get to Barbie Land.

Go! Find some blades now!
Just pick a direction and run!

I can practically feel
my heels lifting already. Yes!

This is what I was supposed
to do. Bring you back here.

- It feels right.
- It does.

Okay, this is...

That's strange.

Incoming brewski beer.

So, that's our president,
with the beer.

And the cheering squad
is the Supreme Court.

This is so much better
than being president.

Something's weird today.

Hi, Barbie!

Oh, okay. Hi, Ken.

Have a brewski beer.
My big guy is thirsty.

Anyway...

Wait until you see
my Dreamhouse.

Everything I've bought and own
will totally inspire you.

And we can change clothes again!

That's the Capitol.

- It's pink?
- Pink!

And that's the...

These are the Dreamhouses.
This is where I live.

You can see
through the houses.

So does each Barbie, like,
have their own house?

That's cool.

Where do the Kens stay?

I don't know.

At first I thought
the Real World was run by men.

And then there was a minute

where I thought
it was run by horses.

But then I realized that horses
are just men extenders.

I had that treehouse.

I saved up my allowance
to buy it.

I've never seen a car like
that before. What happened here?

Everything,
basically everything exists

to expand and elevate
the presence of men.

- That's amazing.
- That's beautiful.

- I know.
- Barbie's here.

Ken?

What have you done?

What are you wearing?

Don't question it.
Just roll with it, tiny baby.

- Tiny baby.
- Don't call me baby.

What about mini-baby?
Like this mini-fridge.

No, Ken.

This is my Dreamhouse.
It is my Dreamhouse! It's mine!

No, this is no longer
Barbie's Dreamhouse.

This shall henceforth be known
as Ken's Mojo Dojo Casa House.

You don't have to say dojo
and house.

And casa...

But you do
because it feels good. Try it.

- Mojo Dojo Casa...
- No, girls. Don't say it.

Mojo Dojo Casa House.

Give it to me straight.
How weird is it?

Whoa, boss,
these Mojo Dojo Casa Houses

are literally flying
off the shelves.

The kids are clamoring for them.
Ken is on T-shirts, mugs.

- It's the number one tattoo.
- Oh, no.

Warner Bros. Have started
auditions for the Ken movie,

which is already
a blockbuster hit.

It's happening. That thing
we could never imagine.

If we don't get my words lady...

- Executive Assistant.
- My Executive Words Lady

and someone
who's probably her daughter

back here and close the portal,

our worlds could be altered
forever.

Well, what does it matter
if it's Barbie or Ken?

The money is pouring in.

Shame on you,
Executive Number Two.

You think I spent
my entire life in boardrooms

because of a bottom line?

No! I got into this business

because of little girls
and their dreams.

In the least creepy way
possible.

Now, blade faster.
Time is running out.

Look, I'm just having
some brewski beers

at my Mojo Dojo Casa House.

Ken!

You can stay if you want,

as my bride wife,

or my long-term-low
commitment-distance girlfriend.

What do you say?

Brewski beer me?

I will not brewski beer you.

That's fine.

You know, now that you Barbies
aren't around to run everything,

we can do our hair
however we like.

I have hats.

Where are my hungry boys?
Who wants snacks?

Barbie,
I am so happy to see you.

Can you believe
what is happening?

I know. Isn't it great?

Anyone need a brewski beer?

What are you doing?
You're a doctor.

I like being
a helpful decoration.

And Allan likes to help me give
all the Kens foot massages.

No, I don't, I don't like that.

We love it.

- Ugh, so gross.
- I'm so blotto-faced day-drunk right now.

Ditto same-same that.

I like not having to
make any decisions.

It's like a spa day
for my brain. Forever.

What is wrong with them?

We just explained to them
the immaculate,

impeccable seamless
garment of logic

that is patriarchy,
and they crumbled.

Oh, my God.
This is like in the 1500s

with the indigenous people
and smallpox.

They had no defenses against it.

Yeah. Buckle up, babe.

Because Barbie Land
is now Ken Land.

And it's gonna be just like
Century City in Los Angeles,

because they had it all
figured out in Century City.

The minute you get
out of your car, you're like,

I can't believe
how great this place is!

No, no, no. They don't have it
figured out in Century City

because we failed them.

No! You failed me!

Out there, I was somebody.

And when I walked
down the street...

people respected me
just for who I am.

One lady, she even
asked me for the time.

No way!

Way.

And if it weren't
for these technicalities

like MBAs, medical degrees,

and I don't know, swim lessons,
I could have ruled that world.

But I don't need
any of those things here.

Here, I'm just a dude.
And you know what?

That's enough.

TV remote.

Which one is it?

Oh, it's that one right there.

Call me Mister Ken
President Prime Minister, ma'am.

Let's recap
all the amazing changes

and innovations
thanks to the Kens.

The Nobel Prize
in horses goes to...

Ken!

Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken!

And now
you're making it permanent

with a special election
to change the Constitution.

That's right. In just 48 hours,

all the Kens will head
to the polls

and vote to change the
Constitution to a government

for the Kens, of the Kens,
and by the Kens!

You can't do this.

This is Barbie Land.

The Barbies worked hard
and they dreamed hard

to make it everything
that it is. You...

You can't just undo it in a day.

Literally and figuratively,
watch me.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

this is my Mojo Dojo
Casa House, it's not...

Barbie's Mojo Dojo Casa House.

Right?

How's that feel?

It is not fun, is it?

It's boys' night!

Every night is boys' night.

Go, Ken! Go, Ken! Go, Ken!

Barbie! Take your
lady fashions with you.

Take your Celebrate Disco
Bell Bottoms...

and your Ice Capades
Pretty Practice Suit

and Dazzling Show Skirt.

These are archival.

Your Pajama Jam
in Amsterdam sets.

No!

And your Pretty Paisley
Palazzo Pants!

- Not the Palazzos!
- And get out!

Maybe this could fit me.

Honey.

Why did you wish me
to your messed-up world

using your complicated
human thoughts and feelings?

- What?
- Barbie Land was perfect before.

I was perfect before.

I'm so sorry.
I wasn't trying to do anything.

Don't apologize.

Don't blame my mom.

Aw, Sasha,
that's sweet.

Maybe you wished us.
Maybe it's your fault, Barbie.

No,
I didn't wish anything.

I've never wanted
anything to change.

Oh, honey, that's life.
It's all change.

That's...

That's terrifying.

I don't want that.

Not my life. No, thank you.

Just, no, I don't want this.

I'm just gonna sit here
and wait and hope

that one of the more
leadership-oriented Barbies

just snaps out of it

and does something
about this whole mess.

I really understand
this feeling.

It's basically, like, being
a human person all the time...

Please just leave me here.
Just leave me.

Go back to your messed-up world
and just leave me to mine.

- So, you're just gonna give up?
- Yes.

Okay.

You know,
I almost feel bad for you,

but you are exactly
what I thought you were.

Let's go, honey. Let's just...

Okay, how do we...
How do you expect...

Do everything we did in reverse.

Unbelievable. Come on, Mom.
She doesn't deserve you.

This is the lowest
I've ever been.

Emotionally and physically.

Okay, kids,

it's time to run out

and get the new
Depression Barbie.

She wears sweatpants
all day and night.

She spent seven hours today
on Instagram,

looking at her estranged best
friend's engagement photos,

while eating a family-size bag
of Starbursts.

And now her jaw is killing her.

And she's going to watch
the BBC's Pride and Prejudice

for the seventh time
until she falls asleep.

Situation of our families is
such that any alliance between us

must be regarded as a highly
reprehensible connection.

Anxiety, panic attacks,
and OCD sold separately.

Barbie.
Barbie, wake up.

- Hey.
- Weird.

I'm like you now.

Ugly and unwanted.

Thanks.

Let's get her in the back.
Come on.

One, two...

- Isn't this great?
- Yes.

Wait until you see the boat.

The boat.

Beautiful countryside.

He said
he could see through me

I spent four years prostrate
to the higher mind

Got my paper and I was free

I went to the doctor,
I went to the mountains

I looked to the children

I drank from the fountains

We interrupt
this broadcast to bring you

our new radio station only
playing Ken's favorite song.

I want to push you around

Well, I will, well, I will

Turn this song off,
for Christ's sake!

- Who are you?
- I'm Allan.

Oh, you are Allan. That's great.

Don't tell the Kens.
I'm trying to escape.

I cannot sit
on one more leather couch.

It's gonna break my spirit.

As soon as they figure out
how to build that wall sideways

and not just up,

no one is gonna be able
to get in or out.

So if we want to leave,
we better make a run for it.

No, Allan. You can't go.
Having a Barbie in the Real World

is what caused all these
problems in the first place.

Not one person would care
if Allan was in the Real World.

In fact, it's happened before.
All of *NSYNC, Allan.

Yes, even him, so come on!

Hey, you there.

What do we do?

Just get in the car
and keep it singing.

- Hey, man.
- What?

Be ready for anything.

Who are you?

I'm Allan. I'm...
I'm Ken's buddy.

Yeah, all of his clothes fit me.

Get in the car!

You want a piece?

Wait, you don't have
a driver's license.

This car doesn't have an engine.

Fine.

What are you doing?
We gotta go.

We have to go back.
Barbie Land needs saving.

Barbie needs saving.

What? You hate Barbie!

But you don't. You've always
believed in what she could be.

Yeah, well, I was wrong.
Barbie gave up. The Kens won.

You have to try.

Even if... Even if you
can't make it perfect,

- you can make it better.
- I can't make anything better.

I'm the one
who ruined Barbie Land

with my stupid drawings
in the first place.

They're not stupid!
They're amazing!

You like my drawings?

They're weird
and dark and crazy.

Everything
you pretend not to be.

I am, I am. I'm weird
and I'm dark and I'm crazy.

Easy. Easy.

Okay.
You want some more Allan?

We have to get out of here
right now.

Shut up, Allan!
We're going back.

Let's go get my doll.

I'll never get out of here.

Where do we find Barbie?

There's only
one place she'd be.

You're a writer.

This is your Nobel Prize.

Remember winning it?

It's useless
trying to deprogram her.

I already did
everything I could.

Oh, my God. I don't
even know how I got here.

I don't deserve this.

I'd like to thank Ken.

Thank you, Ken.

I love you, Ken.

The fork in my soup is this,
Barb.

Why didn't the brainwashing
work on you?

My exposure to the Real World
must have made me immune.

Either you're brainwashed,
or you're weird and ugly.

There is no in between.

Sing it, sister.

Well, get ready, kids.

Because in 48 hours,
Barbie Land becomes Ken Land.

Come on, gang.

We'll find Barbie
at the top of these stairs.

The Kens. They've found us.

- Ken!
- No! Get back.

Ken.

Hello?

Humans. We're fine.

And Allan.

Come into my Weirdhouse.
Hi! I'm Weird Barbie.

I'm in the splits,
I have a funky haircut,

and I smell like basement.

Oh, my God.
I had a Weird Barbie.

- Yeah, you did.
- You make them weird by playing too hard.

That's cool.

That's Sugar Daddy Ken.
And Earring Magic Ken.

Mattel discontinued them.

- Sugar Daddy?
- No, no, no.

I'm not a sugar daddy.

This is Sugar,
and I'm her daddy.

And I have an earring.
A magic earring.

These were actual Kens.

More discontinued Barbies.

Growing Up Skipper? May I?

- Okay.
- Watch this.

- Her boobs grow.
- Why would they do that?

And Barbie Video Girl.

I have a TV in my back.
You know whose dream that is?

Nobody. Nobody's dream.

And that's Barbie Barbie,
of course.

She's not dead. She's just
having an existential crisis.

Okay, come on.

Hey.

What's wrong?

I'm not pretty anymore.

What? You're so pretty.

I'm not
Stereotypical Barbie pretty.

Note to the filmmakers.

Margot Robbie is
the wrong person to cast

if you want to make this point.

But you're beautiful.

It's not just that. I'm not...

smart enough to be interesting.

You're so smart.

I can't do brain surgery,
I've never flown a plane.

I'm not the president.

No one on the Supreme Court
is me.

I'm not good enough
for anything.

It is literally impossible
to be a woman.

You are so beautiful
and so smart,

and it kills me that you don't
think you're good enough.

Like we have to always
be extraordinary.

But somehow,
we're always doing it wrong.

You have to be thin
but not too thin,

and you can never say
you want to be thin.

You have to say
you want to be healthy,

but also you have to be thin.

You have to have money,
but you can't ask for money

because that's crass.

You have to be a boss
but you can't be mean.

You have to lead, but you can't
squash other people's ideas.

You're supposed to love
being a mother,

but don't talk about your kids
all the damn time.

You have to be a career woman

but also always be
looking out for other people.

You have to answer for men's
bad behavior, which is insane,

but if you point that out,
you're accused of complaining.

You're supposed to stay pretty
for men but not so pretty

that you tempt them too much

or that you threaten other women

because you're supposed to be
a part of the sisterhood

but always stand out.

And always be grateful.

But never forget
that the system is rigged,

so find a way
to acknowledge that

but also always be grateful.

You have to never get old,

never be rude, never show off,

never be selfish,
never fall down,

never fail, never show fear,

never get out of line.

It's too hard,
it's too contradictory,

and nobody gives you a medal
or says thank you.

And it turns out, in fact,

that not only
are you doing everything wrong

but also
everything is your fault.

I'm just so tired
of watching myself

and every single other woman

tie herself into knots
so that people will like us.

And if all of that

is also true for a doll

just representing a woman...

then I don't even know.

Wait.

I did write a book.

It's like I've been in a dream,

where I was somehow
really invested

in the Zack Snyder cut
of Justice League.

But what you said
broke me out of it.

Really?

Yeah.

You're back. She's back.

By giving voice to the
cognitive dissonance required

to be a woman
under the patriarchy,

- you robbed it of its power.
- Yes.

I just said all of that.

Hell, yes, White Savior Barbie!

No, it was your mom.
Your mom did the saving.

We have to stop the Kens.

And you need to say all of
those things to the other Barbies.

- That's the key.
- Got it.

But how are we gonna
get the Barbies

away from their Kens?

We have experience
with a world like this one.

Do you have a map
of Barbie Land?

What do you think?

Thanks. I built it.

Okay, here's the deal.

It's not just about
how they see us,

it's about
how they see themselves.

Ken Land contains the seeds
of its own destruction.

First we have to get the
Barbies away from their Kens.

We could use a decoy Barbie
who pretends to be brainwashed.

- That should be you.
- Cool.

Distract them by
appearing helpless and confused.

Kens cannot resist
a damsel in distress.

You have to make
them believe that you're complacent.

That they have the power.

And when their guard is down,
you take the power back.

The influence that Porsche 356

has had on the motoring world
as a whole,

it can't be overstated.

Photoshop is so hard!

I just don't understand
how to use the Select tool.

Honey, you can only use
the Select tool

if the layer is highlighted.

Let me show you.

My tiny head is just swimming

with technical jargon
like color bands...

- Hi.
- And magnetic lassos and bit maps.

Do you think that you and your
strong arms can explain...

- What's happening?
- Allan, go around!

- Oh, but what about Ken?
- No, no, no!

- No, but I love him!
- Come on, Allan!

Hey!
What's gonna happen to Ken?

Just listen.

You have to be their mommies

but not remind them
of their mommy.

Any power you have
must be masked under a giggle.

What happened?

One minute I was president,

and the next I was cutting
a Ken steak for him.

Welcome back, Madam President.

Then we'll recruit the now
unbrainwashed Barbies to our cause.

They can be
the new decoys.

You can tell him
that you've never seen The Godfather.

And that you'd love them
to explain it to you.

Ooh, are you guys
watching The Godfather?

The Godfather.

I've never seen it.

Oh, my God. You've
never seen The Godfather?

This movie is a rich blend
of Coppola's aesthetic genius

and a triumph for Robert Evans

and the architecture
of the '70s studio system.

Can you
start the movie over

and just talk
through the whole thing?

You have to find a way
to reject men's advances

without damaging their egos.

Because if you say yes to them,
you're a tramp,

but if you say no to them,
you're a prude.

I don't wanna touch a foot.

No, you don't.

Another one,
be confused about money.

I just have all my money
in a savings account.

That's totally wrong.
You need treasury bonds,

corporate bonds, CDs.

No one has CDs anymore.

Oh, sweetheart, you are so cute
when you're confused.

But no, not music.

CD stands for
Certificate of Deposit.

Stephen Malkmus really
harnessed the acerbic talk-singing

of Lou Reed
with post-punk influences

such as Wire and The Fall.

What am I wearing?
I would never choose this.

Because you're a physicist.
Do you want some pants?

Yeah.

Welcome back, Barbie.

Gee, I am so awkward
and don't feel pretty at all,

and will anyone ever like me?

Or distract them
with the old standby.

Wearing glasses so they can
discover that you're pretty.

- May I?
- Sure. Go ahead.

There. Now we can see
your beautiful face.

And then there's pretending
to be terrible

at every sport ever.

Here, let me show you.

Here, let me show you.

- Here, let me show you.
- Here, let me show you.

Here, let us show you.

We'll do this
until every single Barbie

is deprogrammed and ready
to take back Barbie Land.

- Yes!
- Yes!

Yeah!

Hey! Tomorrow the Kens vote
to change the Constitution,

so we have to get there first.

The final stage of our plan,

to turn the Kens
against each other.

Now that they think
they have power over you,

you make them question whether
they have enough power

over each other.

What if this doesn't work?

What if he doesn't...

like me anymore?

- He likes you.
- He was really upset.

Because he likes you.

And because he knows deep down

that you don't like him
the same way.

It still doesn't mean
I want to hurt him.

He took your house.

He brainwashed your friends.

He wants to control
the government.

True.

- Girl.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like I'm a woman already.

Welcome.

Is this what it's like?

It's time.

I'm ready.

Thank you.

Here I go.

Hi.

Oh, hey.
You've caught me reading.

I've been thinking.

- Ken Land.
- Kendom.

- Kendom.
- Kendom Land.

- Land of the...
- Land of the free and the men.

Right. Well, this place is...

Kendom Land.

Really great.

And the Kens really
are just better at ruling

than the Barbies ever were.

Well, we just took patriarchy
and you know, made a patriarchy.

- Yeah, well, I was thinking...
- Yes?

I'm ready to be
your long-term-distance

low-commitment
casual girlfriend,

if you'll still have me.

Would you just hold on
for one second?

Oh, okay.

Sublime!

I don't know. I'm gonna
have to think about that.

Please?

Okay.

Come on in.
I'll play the guitar at you.

Oh, yay!

Said I don't know if
I've ever been good enough

I'm a little bit rusty

And I think
my head is cavin' in

And I don't know if
I've ever been really loved

By a hand that's touched me

And I feel like
something's got to give

And I'm a little bit angry,
well

This ain't over,
no, not here, no

Not while I still
need you around

You don't owe me

We might change, yeah

Yeah,
we just might feel good

I wanna push you around

Well, I will, well, I will

I wanna push you down

Well, I will, well, I will

This is
the final stage of our plan.

Give them their dream come true.

And at the peak
of their happiness,

when they think you actually
care about this song...

You take it all away.

I will

Who are you texting?

Who are you texting?

- No one.
- Let me just...

Ken!

Sorry. One sec.

That's a beautiful song
that you're playing.

Did you write it?

Yes. You want to sit here
and watch me do it,

while I stare uncomfortably
into your eyes

- for four and a half minutes?
- I would love that.

Baby

Sorry, one sec.

I wanna push you around

Be right back.

Well, I will, well, I will,
I wanna push...

You play on their egos

and their petty jealousies,

and you turn them
against each other.

One sec.

I wanna take you for granted

Sorry.

While they're fighting,
we take back Barbie Land.

Does the title of
long-term-distance casual

low-commitment girlfriend
mean nothing?

What do we do?

We beach every individual
one of them off.

No.

We go to war.

- Against the Barbies?
- No, against the Kens.

- But we are the Kens.
- The other Kens.

We should probably
call them something else

so it doesn't get confusing.

No, because we'll know
what we mean.

But when we're
on the battlefield

and you say
Ken at four o'clock,

how will I know if you mean
us Kens or the other Kens?

Because, my dudes,
we attack at ten o'clock

and take advantage
of the morning waves.

But not so early 'cause we're
gonna want to sleep in.

Right.

But what will we fight with?
We have no guns.

Tennis rackets and volleyballs.

And slap fights.

And beach offs.

- Yes.
- Oh, yeah.

Doesn't seem to matter
what I do

I'm always number two

No one knows
how hard I tried

Oh, I, I have feelings
that I can't explain

Driving me insane

All my life been so polite

But I'll sleep alone tonight

'Cause I'm just Ken

Anywhere else I'd be a ten

Is it my destiny
to live and die

A life of blonde fragility?

I'm just Ken

Where I see love
she sees a friend

What will it take for her

To see the man
behind the tan

And fight for me?

I'll see you
on the Malibu beach!

Charge!

You can't, Ken, you can't, Ken

You can't, Ken

And now
they destroy themselves.

You know what I think?

I think we should put
our freaking Constitution back.

- Yes.
- That's a great idea.

This is a real hornet's nest
in here.

Watch your flank.

- I got shot.
- That's impossible.

- Are there real weapons here?
- Nope.

I wanna know
what it's like to love

To be the real thing

Is it a crime?

Am I not hot
when I'm in my feelings?

And is my moment finally here
or am I dreaming?

I'm no dreamer

Ken

Ken

Can you feel?

Can't you?

Ken

They are, you are, we are

I'm just Ken

Anywhere else I'd be a ten

Is it my destiny
to live and die

A life of blonde fragility?

I'm just Ken

Where I see love
she sees a friend

What will it take for her

To see the man
behind the tan

And fight for me?

I'm just Ken

And I'm enough

And I'm great at doing stuff

So, hey, check me out

Yeah, I'm just Ken

My name's Ken

And so am I

Put that manly hand in mine

So, hey, world, check me out

Yeah, I'm just Ken

- Baby, I'm...
- Nobody else, nobody else

- Just Ken
- I'm just Ken

- Ken! Ken.
- Yeah?

Weren't we supposed
to vote today?

- What?
- To change the Constitution.

- Oh, it was today, wasn't it?
- Yeah.

Okay, ladies, let's do this.

All those in favor of letting
Barbie Land be Barbie Land,

say aye.

Aye!

I'm so happy.

Go, Barbie! Go, Barbie!
Go, Barbie! Go, Barbie!

Go, Barbie! Go, Barbie!
Go, Barbie! Go, Barbie!

Is it just my imagination,

or did these Mojo Dojo
Casa Houses just get dreamier?

That's because they're
Dreamhouses, mother....

That's right.

We've reinstated
the Barbie Land Constitution

to what it should be.

And restored all the Barbies'
brains and autonomy.

Yes!

And we seriously disinfected
those houses.

What do we do?

Kens!

- Who are we attacking, sir?
- No...

No...

Don't look at me!

Is he crying?

Just give us a minute.

Ken.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Totally.

It's okay
if you're crying.

You know, I cried too.
It's actually kind of amazing.

I'm a liberated man.
I know crying is not weak.

Okay.

You wanna sit up for a minute?

This...

It was hard running stuff.

I didn't love it.

I get it.

And those mini-fridges
are so small.

You could only fit
a six pack in them.

And the freezers
are basically useless.

To be honest, when I found out

that patriarchy wasn't
about horses,

I lost interest anyway.

That's okay.

I always thought this
would be our house.

Ken.

I think I owe you an apology.

I'm really sorry
I took you for granted.

Not every night
had to be girls' night.

Thank you
for saying that.

Thank you.

I didn't mean
to suggest...

I just don't know who I am
without you.

You're Ken.

But it's Barbie and Ken.

There is no just Ken.

That's why I was created.

I only exist

within the warmth of your gaze.

Without it,

I'm just another blond guy
who can't do flips.

Maybe it's time
to discover who Ken is.

- Okay. I think I get it now.
- Okay.

No, no, no!
This isn't the answer.

I feel so stupid.

- No.
- No.

- I look so stupid.
- Yeah.

I look so stupid!

- No!
- So cool. You look so cool.

Okay. Ken,
you have to figure out

who you are without me.

Why?

You're not your girlfriend.

You're not your house,
you're not your mink.

- Beach?
- Nope.

You're not even beach.

Maybe all the things
that you thought made you you

aren't... really you.

Maybe it's Barbie and...

it's Ken.

Ken is...

me?

Yes.

Ken is me!

And I'm Barbie.

Ken...

is me!

Ken is me!

- Ken is me!
- Ken is me!

I don't even care
about being Ken anymore.

I just miss my friend Barbie!

- That's cool!
- Barbie!

I'm right here.

Ken!

I want you to have it.

That's nice.

We were only fighting because
we didn't know who we were.

Ken is me!

Ken is right.

It's just so hard
to be a leader.

- You know?
- That's my boss.

It's...

Midge, gosh.

I thought we discontinued her.

Look, do you know how many times

I've wanted to stand up in a
board meeting and just say,

can we just tickle each other?

- Really?
- Let's have a company retreat

and just tickle each other.

Someone get me. Someone get me.

I love being tickled.

No, no, no. Don't hug me.
Don't hug me.

But thanks to the Barbies,

I, too, can now relieve myself
of this heavy existential burden

while holding on to
the very real title of CEO.

And we can restore
everything in Barbie Land

to exactly the way it was.

- Mister Mattel, I just...
- Please. Call me Mother.

No, thank you.

I don't think
that things should go back

to the way that they were.

No Barbie or Ken should be
living in the shadows.

Or Allan.

- Hey.
- Me?

- Yeah.
- Hello.

I just want to say,

I'm sorry
we called you Weird Barbie

behind your back
and also to your face.

That's okay. I'm owning it.

Would you like a job
in my cabinet?

May I please have sanitation?

It's yours.

- Yeah, thank you.
- All right.

Madam President.

Please, may the Kens have
one Supreme Court Justice?

Oh, I can't do that. But maybe
a lower circuit court judgeship.

We accept.
As long as we can wear robes.

Well, the Kens
have to start somewhere.

And one day, the Kens will have

as much power and influence
in Barbie Land

as women have in the Real World.

No, I don't want to.

- Just go!
- I can't.

- Grow up and go.
- I have an idea.

Tell me your secret dream,
child.

Okay,
what about Ordinary Barbie?

She's not extraordinary.
She's not president of anything,

or maybe she is.

Maybe she's a mom.
Maybe she's not.

Because it's okay
to just want to be a mom,

or to wanna be president
or a mom who is president.

Or not a mom
who's also not president.

She just has a flattering top,

and she wants
to get through the day

feeling kinda good
about herself.

That's a terrible idea.

Yeah,
that's going to make money.

Ordinary Barbie.
I love it. Fantastic.

Okay, great.

- Great.
- Cool.

- Yes.
- We good?

I think we're good, right?

All right, let's begin the work

to close the portal
between our two worlds.

Hey, what about Barbie?

What do you mean?

Yeah, what about Barbie?

What's her ending?
What does she get?

Well, that's easy.
She's in love with Ken.

That is not her ending.

I'm not in love with Ken.

What do you want?

I don't know. I'm...

I'm not really sure
where I belong anymore.

I don't think I have an ending.

That was
always the point.

I created you
so you wouldn't have an ending.

It's you.

You're Ruth from Mattel.

Baby, I am Mattel.

Until the IRS got to me,
but that's another movie.

So, you're...

Ruth Handler.
Inventor of Barbie.

What?

That's so cool.

Her ghost keeps an office
on the 17th floor.

- What?
- What?

You guys,

you think the lady who invented
Barbie looks like Barbie?

I'm a five-foot-nothing grandma

with a double mastectomy...

and tax evasion issues.

Nobody looks like Barbie,

except, of course, Barbie.
Take a bow, honey.

I don't really feel
like Barbie anymore.

Come, walk with me.

Thank you.

Thank you, Barbie.

Thank you.

I'm not really sure
what I'm supposed to do now.

I've always been
Stereotypical Barbie,

and I don't think I'm really
good at anything else.

You saved Barbie Land
from patriarchy.

That was very much
a group effort.

And you helped that mother
and daughter connect.

They really helped each other.

Maybe you're Self-Effacing Barbie?

Maybe I'm not Barbie anymore.

You understand that humans
only have one ending.

Ideas live forever,
humans not so much.

You know that, right?

I do.

Being a human
can be pretty uncomfortable.

I know.

Humans make things up
like patriarchy and Barbie

just to deal
with how uncomfortable it is.

I understand that.

And then you die.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I want to be
a part of the people

that make meaning.

Not the thing that's made.

I want to do the imagining.
I don't wanna be the idea.

Does that make sense?

I always knew that Barbie
would surprise me,

but I never expected this.

Do you give me permission
to become human?

You don't need my permission.

But you're the creator.
You... Don't you control me?

I can't control you

any more than I can control
my own daughter.

I named you after her, Barbara.

And I always hoped for you
like I hoped for her.

We mothers stand still

so our daughters can look back
to see how far they've come.

So, being human's not
something I need to...

ask for or even want?
I can just...

It's something
that I just discover I am?

I can't in good conscience
let you take this leap

without you knowing
what it means.

Take my hands.

Now close your eyes.

Now feel.

Yes.

So, Barbie left behind

the pastels and plastics
of Barbie Land

for the pastels and plastics
of Los Angeles.

Okay. Thanks for the lift.

You got this.

I'm really proud of you.

Estoy muy orguoso de ti.

Orgulloso.

Orgulloso... Orgulloso de ti.

There you go. Close enough.

You guys are the best.
Thank you. Thank you.

Okay. Let's do this.

Si se puede.

That's a political statement.

That's appropriation, Dad.

- We'll be here when you're done.
- We love you!

- You got this!
- Bye!

- Okay.
- We love you!

Hi.

Name?

Oh, Handler, comma, Barbara.

And what are
you here for today, Barbara?

I'm here to see my gynecologist.