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1
00:00:02,460 --> 00:00:05,170
[**]
2
00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:14,340
Hey, hey, hey,
what do you think
you're doing?
3
00:00:14,380 --> 00:00:16,850
Getting my fingers
nice and pruney,
4
00:00:16,890 --> 00:00:17,890
just the way
I like 'em.
5
00:00:17,930 --> 00:00:19,680
Uh-uh-uh.
No wife of mine
6
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:22,930
is gonna do dishes
on Valentine's Day.
7
00:00:22,980 --> 00:00:24,560
You can do these tomorrow.
8
00:00:24,600 --> 00:00:25,690
Thanks so much.
9
00:00:25,730 --> 00:00:28,360
So if you have
no other plans this evening,
10
00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:30,190
could I interest you
in a nice dinner out,
11
00:00:30,230 --> 00:00:34,030
followed by a workout
on the... heavy bag?
12
00:00:34,070 --> 00:00:36,280
Well, that depends.
13
00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:38,320
What restaurant
you taking me to?
14
00:00:38,370 --> 00:00:40,330
Little place I like
to call Manzi's.
15
00:00:40,370 --> 00:00:42,660
Manzi's?
Doug, you did good!
16
00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:44,160
I did, didn't I?
Yeah.
17
00:00:44,210 --> 00:00:45,500
All right.
So we're all set
18
00:00:45,540 --> 00:00:48,630
for a sweet evening
of sensual togetherness.
19
00:00:48,670 --> 00:00:49,920
Meet you there at 8:00.
20
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:51,550
Meet me there?
Why?
21
00:00:51,590 --> 00:00:53,010
It's Spence's birthday.
Me and the guys
22
00:00:53,050 --> 00:00:54,380
got to take him out
for a quick beer.
23
00:00:54,420 --> 00:00:56,010
Doug, it's
Valentine's Day.
24
00:00:56,050 --> 00:00:57,390
I don't want
to meet you
at the restaurant.
25
00:00:57,430 --> 00:00:59,010
Why not?
It'll be romantic.
26
00:00:59,050 --> 00:01:03,060
I'll walk in.
It'll be like, "Hey!"
27
00:01:03,100 --> 00:01:05,350
Come on, Carrie.
I got to do it for Spence.
28
00:01:05,390 --> 00:01:08,730
His birthday lands
on Valentine's Day,
and he's Spence.
29
00:01:08,770 --> 00:01:10,150
It's a rough combo.
30
00:01:10,190 --> 00:01:12,070
All right, all right,
I'll meet you there.
31
00:01:12,110 --> 00:01:15,280
All right. 8:00,
and we'll party
like it's 1999.
32
00:01:15,320 --> 00:01:18,530
'Cause it is.
You get-- you get it?
33
00:01:19,950 --> 00:01:22,950
Hey, Hef.
You gonna get dressed?
34
00:01:22,990 --> 00:01:24,830
The dance starts
in a half-hour.
35
00:01:24,870 --> 00:01:27,040
I'm not going.
I got a fever.
36
00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:29,380
Here. Look at this.
37
00:01:29,420 --> 00:01:31,750
111.
38
00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,760
Wow! I should be in bed.
39
00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:35,920
Dad, what are you doing?
40
00:01:35,970 --> 00:01:39,050
Look, I just don't want
to go to that stupid
old people's dance.
41
00:01:39,090 --> 00:01:41,810
Why not?
It'll be fun.
42
00:01:41,850 --> 00:01:44,520
There'll be a bunch
of hotties there.
Huh?
43
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,600
Hey, I've been to these
meat markets before.
44
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,600
Those women
are like vultures.
45
00:01:48,650 --> 00:01:51,270
If a man has a pulse
and a driver's license,
46
00:01:51,310 --> 00:01:54,400
they're all over him
like he's Van Johnson.
47
00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:57,530
Dad, cards on the table.
48
00:01:57,570 --> 00:02:00,950
I want you out of the house by
the time Doug and I get home.
49
00:02:00,990 --> 00:02:05,870
I want that very, very much.
50
00:02:05,910 --> 00:02:09,870
So go put on some pants
and some Canoe. Okay?
51
00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:11,000
Don't I--
No.
52
00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:12,880
But I--
No buts.
53
00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:14,000
Fine.
54
00:02:14,050 --> 00:02:15,670
See, isn't it nice
to compromise?
55
00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:22,640
Uh, hi, Mrs. Olchin.
It's Doug Heffernan.
Spence ready?
56
00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:24,350
MRS. OLCHIN [ON INTERCOM]:
He's not home.
57
00:02:24,390 --> 00:02:27,600
Why don't you boyscome on up and waitfor him?
58
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:32,360
[BUZZER]
59
00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:34,320
Usually, we just buzz
and he comes down.
60
00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:35,690
What's this all about?
61
00:02:35,730 --> 00:02:37,400
I don't know.
You guys ever
been up there?
62
00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:38,490
You?
63
00:02:38,530 --> 00:02:40,490
Once when I was,
like, ten.
64
00:02:40,530 --> 00:02:44,580
All I remember is
Jell-O and fear.
65
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,160
[BUZZER]
66
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:49,540
[KNOCKING]
67
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:55,250
Doug!
Oh, it's been years!
68
00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:58,760
Oh, look how you've
filled out! Oh!
69
00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:00,510
Hi, Mrs. Olchin.
70
00:03:01,260 --> 00:03:02,510
Oh! Come in--
71
00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:05,100
Oh, you must be Deacon.
72
00:03:05,140 --> 00:03:06,810
How'd you guess?
73
00:03:06,850 --> 00:03:08,560
[LAUGHS]
74
00:03:08,930 --> 00:03:11,850
Oh!
75
00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:16,610
And that must mean
you're Richie,
the ladies' man.
76
00:03:16,650 --> 00:03:19,610
Well, don't try
any slick moves
on this lady
77
00:03:19,650 --> 00:03:22,280
'cause I've
seen 'em all.
78
00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:24,530
Okay. Sure.
79
00:03:24,910 --> 00:03:26,030
Ohh!
80
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:28,500
Come in, come in.
81
00:03:28,540 --> 00:03:30,410
Sit, sit, sit, sit.
82
00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:32,290
I'll get us some snacks.
83
00:03:32,330 --> 00:03:35,920
Look how wonderful--
onion dip.
84
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:38,170
I made it with soup!
85
00:03:38,210 --> 00:03:40,880
Soup? Really?
That's just, uh--
86
00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:42,680
Spence gonna
be home soon?
87
00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:43,840
Any minute.
88
00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:45,390
I sent him out
to get me
cigarettes,
89
00:03:45,430 --> 00:03:46,810
but the joke's
on him.
90
00:03:46,850 --> 00:03:50,600
I've got five cartons
here at the house!
91
00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:52,270
[LAUGHING]
92
00:03:53,730 --> 00:03:56,820
[ALL LAUGHING]
93
00:03:56,860 --> 00:03:58,860
Good one.
94
00:03:58,900 --> 00:04:00,900
Why'd you do that?
95
00:04:00,940 --> 00:04:05,280
Because we're having
a surprise party
for him, silly.
96
00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:08,740
Oh, isn't it
a grand idea?
97
00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:10,290
I tell you, boys,
98
00:04:10,330 --> 00:04:13,710
this is gonna be
a night to remember.
99
00:04:13,750 --> 00:04:15,250
Hmm! Oh!
100
00:04:15,290 --> 00:04:17,340
Hmm.
101
00:04:23,970 --> 00:04:25,550
Hi. Stoli, rocks, please.
102
00:04:25,590 --> 00:04:28,470
Coming up.
Thanks.
103
00:04:39,270 --> 00:04:42,030
[SNIFFING]
104
00:04:42,070 --> 00:04:44,110
Can I help you?
105
00:04:44,150 --> 00:04:46,780
You smell good.
106
00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:47,990
Yeah. Thanks.
107
00:04:48,030 --> 00:04:49,410
You want to smell me?
108
00:04:49,450 --> 00:04:51,410
Not so much.
109
00:04:51,450 --> 00:04:52,700
Suit yourself.
110
00:04:52,750 --> 00:04:54,160
I'm Tito.
111
00:04:54,210 --> 00:04:55,540
And you are?
112
00:04:55,580 --> 00:04:56,880
Waiting for my husband.
113
00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:58,170
Whoa, oh, oh!
114
00:04:58,210 --> 00:05:00,920
Tito retreato.
115
00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:02,800
Just making small talk,
116
00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:05,430
waiting for my date
to arrive.
117
00:05:05,470 --> 00:05:07,840
Lucky gal.
118
00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:12,890
[MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY]
119
00:05:21,150 --> 00:05:22,610
Excuse me.
120
00:05:22,650 --> 00:05:26,280
Would you,
by any chance,
like to dance?
121
00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:27,660
No.
122
00:05:27,700 --> 00:05:29,660
But why?
123
00:05:29,700 --> 00:05:32,450
Because I'm married.
Now, scram.
124
00:05:33,700 --> 00:05:35,960
Really.
125
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,120
Ma, will you come on.
126
00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:40,380
Look at this place.
127
00:05:40,420 --> 00:05:43,000
Where did you bring me,
a nursing home?
128
00:05:43,050 --> 00:05:44,420
Forget it.
I'm outta here.
129
00:05:44,460 --> 00:05:47,050
No, Ma...
You have not been
on a date in years.
130
00:05:47,090 --> 00:05:49,340
Now, you are
doing this.
131
00:05:49,390 --> 00:05:50,970
Now, try to enjoy
yourself, OK?
132
00:05:51,010 --> 00:05:52,390
I'll pick you up at 10:00.
133
00:05:52,430 --> 00:05:56,430
14 hours I was
in labor with you.
Very nice.
134
00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:57,690
Good-bye.
135
00:05:57,730 --> 00:05:59,310
I'm not talking
to anyone!
136
00:05:59,350 --> 00:06:01,400
I don't care.
137
00:06:17,830 --> 00:06:19,750
I'm married.
138
00:06:20,750 --> 00:06:23,380
Relax, buddy,
'cause you know what?
139
00:06:23,420 --> 00:06:25,840
I'm married, too.
140
00:06:30,050 --> 00:06:33,810
My wife's
in the hospital,
if you must know.
141
00:06:33,850 --> 00:06:38,140
Wow, very nice of you
to be with her
on Valentine's Day.
142
00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:41,100
Visiting hours ended
at 7:00.
143
00:06:41,150 --> 00:06:42,980
All right, all right.
144
00:06:43,020 --> 00:06:44,610
Sheesh.
145
00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:49,320
My husband's away
on business,
146
00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:50,910
in case you were wondering.
147
00:06:50,950 --> 00:06:52,450
I wasn't.
148
00:06:53,620 --> 00:06:55,540
So what's wrong
with your wife?
149
00:06:55,580 --> 00:06:58,040
Oh, they're doing
a scan on her
150
00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:00,210
with that, uh,
with that scope thing.
151
00:07:00,250 --> 00:07:02,790
Yeah.
Maybe a probe, too.
152
00:07:04,130 --> 00:07:05,420
Sounds serious.
153
00:07:05,460 --> 00:07:08,510
Oh, it's one thing
after another with her.
154
00:07:11,970 --> 00:07:14,050
So would you like
to get some punch?
155
00:07:15,510 --> 00:07:17,810
Guess there's
no harm in that.
156
00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:25,900
MRS. OLCHIN: Birthday,
birthday, birthday.
157
00:07:25,940 --> 00:07:28,860
Birthday boy,
boop-boop-boop-boop.
158
00:07:28,900 --> 00:07:30,900
[HUMMING]
159
00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:34,240
I don't like it here.
160
00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:35,740
Where the hell
is Spence anyway?
161
00:07:35,780 --> 00:07:37,160
I just want
to do this and leave.
162
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:38,620
Hey, at least your wife's
out of town, all right.
163
00:07:38,660 --> 00:07:40,040
You don't have
to be anywhere.
164
00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:41,870
I got to meet Carrie
in a minute and a half.
165
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:43,630
MRS. OLCHIN:
I think I see him!
166
00:07:43,670 --> 00:07:45,040
Great, he's here,
all right.
167
00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:46,840
We'll say surprise,
throw down some
punch,
168
00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:48,300
and get the hell
out of here.
169
00:07:48,340 --> 00:07:49,670
He's coming!
Quick!
170
00:07:49,710 --> 00:07:51,720
Let's all hide
in the closet.
171
00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:54,640
Couldn't we just
stay here and crouch?
172
00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:56,930
[SCOFFS] Don't be
a spoilsport.
173
00:07:56,970 --> 00:07:58,140
Come on.
174
00:07:58,180 --> 00:07:59,350
Quick.
175
00:07:59,390 --> 00:08:01,520
Chop, chop.
176
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,850
Make room
for Mommy!
177
00:08:04,900 --> 00:08:07,900
Oh, I think I've died
and gone to heaven.
178
00:08:08,570 --> 00:08:10,440
Mom?!
179
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:11,900
Mom!
180
00:08:11,950 --> 00:08:16,570
Mom, they didn't have
120s, so I got 100s...
181
00:08:17,490 --> 00:08:19,370
Mom?!
182
00:08:19,410 --> 00:08:21,540
Surprise!
183
00:08:22,500 --> 00:08:23,500
Surprise.
184
00:08:23,540 --> 00:08:25,540
Surprise.
Surprise.
185
00:08:26,710 --> 00:08:29,500
[BREATHLESSLY]
It's your birthday,
Valentine.
186
00:08:29,550 --> 00:08:33,430
Mom... Mom...
* So eat some cakeand drink some wine *
187
00:08:33,470 --> 00:08:35,760
* Celebrate *
Mom... Mom!
188
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:37,010
Spencer,
don't interrupt!
189
00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:38,970
* It's your birthday-- *
Stop it!
190
00:08:39,010 --> 00:08:40,560
I hate when you do
things like this!
191
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:41,770
Spencer!
192
00:08:41,810 --> 00:08:42,980
That's why I never
have the guys over.
193
00:08:43,020 --> 00:08:44,230
You always have
to embarrass me.
194
00:08:44,270 --> 00:08:45,730
I hate you. I hate you.
195
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:49,020
Go! Leave!
Just like your father
196
00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:51,570
and every other man
in my life!
197
00:08:51,610 --> 00:08:53,700
Ooh-- mmm.
198
00:08:53,740 --> 00:08:57,450
Spence Olchin pees
sitting down!
199
00:08:57,490 --> 00:08:59,530
SPENCE: Shut up, Mom!
200
00:08:59,580 --> 00:09:01,200
MRS. OLCHIN: Well...
201
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,870
At least you boys
haven't abandoned me.
202
00:09:03,910 --> 00:09:05,790
I don't know
what I'd do.
203
00:09:05,830 --> 00:09:10,380
[LAUGHING]
Probably take
a bottle of pills.
204
00:09:10,420 --> 00:09:13,300
Oh, but this isn't
party talk, is it?
205
00:09:13,340 --> 00:09:14,590
Oh.
206
00:09:14,630 --> 00:09:16,340
[CHA CHA PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
207
00:09:16,380 --> 00:09:18,680
So all right.
208
00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:22,220
Who's gonna
dance with me first?
209
00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:51,920
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
210
00:09:53,050 --> 00:09:54,590
Hello?
211
00:09:54,630 --> 00:09:55,760
Doug.
212
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:58,430
Where are you?
It's... It's 8:15.
213
00:09:58,470 --> 00:10:00,350
DOUG: I'm in hell.
214
00:10:00,390 --> 00:10:02,060
MRS. OLCHIN:
Okay, watch.
215
00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:04,930
First they put
a little alcohol on it.
216
00:10:04,970 --> 00:10:06,390
Oh.
217
00:10:06,430 --> 00:10:07,980
Watch out, baby Spence.
218
00:10:08,020 --> 00:10:11,310
You're about to lose
a piece of your tinky.
219
00:10:12,860 --> 00:10:16,240
Look, Carrie,
she's not stable.
I can't just leave.
220
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:19,030
I have to finesse
my way out of here.
221
00:10:19,070 --> 00:10:22,240
I'll be there very soon.
I promise.
222
00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:23,790
[FILM PROJECTOR WHIRRING]
223
00:10:23,830 --> 00:10:26,000
Oh, dear God.
224
00:10:27,790 --> 00:10:30,210
I got to go.
225
00:10:33,670 --> 00:10:36,050
Okay. You boys stay here.
226
00:10:36,090 --> 00:10:38,880
I'll go mix us up
some more happy juice.
227
00:10:38,930 --> 00:10:40,300
You missed the movie.
228
00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:42,890
All right,
I'm outta here.
Yeah, let's do it.
229
00:10:42,930 --> 00:10:44,310
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
What?
230
00:10:44,350 --> 00:10:46,770
Come on.
This woman's
very fragile.
231
00:10:46,810 --> 00:10:49,390
If we walk out now,
she'll snap.
232
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,480
[BEEPER]
233
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:53,400
That's me.
234
00:10:54,980 --> 00:10:57,490
A five-alarm fire
at a hospital.
235
00:10:57,530 --> 00:10:58,530
Yes!
236
00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:00,070
Lucky!
237
00:11:00,110 --> 00:11:02,490
Mrs. Olchin,
I have to go.
238
00:11:02,530 --> 00:11:03,990
There's a big fire
239
00:11:04,030 --> 00:11:06,040
and they want me there,
since I'm a fireman,
240
00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:07,830
to put the fire out
and whatnot.
241
00:11:07,870 --> 00:11:10,870
Aw. Okay,
but you be careful.
242
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:13,170
And don't forget
your goodie bag.
243
00:11:14,420 --> 00:11:16,050
Got it.
244
00:11:17,550 --> 00:11:19,880
Have fun, losers.
245
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,020
Oh, who am I kidding?
246
00:11:27,060 --> 00:11:28,930
My marriage
is a loveless farce,
247
00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:31,190
has been from day one.
248
00:11:31,230 --> 00:11:33,150
Well, I'll tell you
something.
249
00:11:33,190 --> 00:11:35,770
I know exactly
how you feel.
250
00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:38,190
Do you?
Oh, yes!
251
00:11:38,230 --> 00:11:41,490
My husband and I
sleep in the same bed,
252
00:11:41,530 --> 00:11:44,740
but... we're strangers.
253
00:11:45,410 --> 00:11:47,410
Well, what can we do?
254
00:11:47,450 --> 00:11:49,040
We took
our sacred vows.
255
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:51,210
That we did.
Although...
256
00:11:51,250 --> 00:11:52,370
Yes?
257
00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:55,210
Sometimes I wonder
what it would be like
258
00:11:55,250 --> 00:11:59,260
to forget those
stupid vows and...
259
00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:04,430
...share a passionate embrace
with a beautiful woman.
260
00:12:05,180 --> 00:12:07,640
Oh, my!
261
00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:10,100
Does my candor
shock you?
262
00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:12,480
Yes, but go on.
263
00:12:13,810 --> 00:12:16,690
Do you think I could
buy you a dinner
sometime?
264
00:12:16,730 --> 00:12:19,650
Dinner?
Just as friends,
of course,
265
00:12:19,690 --> 00:12:20,990
since we're
both married.
266
00:12:21,030 --> 00:12:23,240
To other people,
of course.
267
00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:24,410
Of course.
268
00:12:24,450 --> 00:12:27,410
[BOTH LAUGH]
269
00:12:27,450 --> 00:12:29,290
I know a quiet little cafe.
270
00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:32,620
It sounds wonderful.
271
00:12:32,660 --> 00:12:34,120
Where is it?
272
00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:38,920
On the ground floor
St. Argyle Hotel.
273
00:12:43,470 --> 00:12:45,930
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
274
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:48,560
What?
275
00:12:49,470 --> 00:12:51,310
Doug, are you
kidding me?
276
00:12:51,350 --> 00:12:54,810
I-- I just
can't leave until
Spence gets home.
277
00:12:54,850 --> 00:12:57,360
No, he won't
stay here alone.
278
00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:59,230
Then you know what,
I'm just going to go home.
279
00:12:59,270 --> 00:13:01,610
No, no, no.
Stay there. Listen.
280
00:13:01,650 --> 00:13:03,070
We can salvage
this night.
281
00:13:03,110 --> 00:13:04,740
Just stayand eat dinner.
282
00:13:04,780 --> 00:13:06,870
I'll be there
by dessert, I promise.
283
00:13:06,910 --> 00:13:09,580
Okay, fine, but just hurry.
284
00:13:09,620 --> 00:13:10,660
Okay. I love you.
285
00:13:10,700 --> 00:13:12,500
Yeah, yeah.
286
00:13:13,910 --> 00:13:16,120
Did your "husband"
get delayed?
287
00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:17,920
Yes.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
288
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:19,340
I got to tell you,
if I was him,
there's now way
289
00:13:19,380 --> 00:13:21,170
I'd let a stallion like you
wait alone in some bar.
290
00:13:21,210 --> 00:13:24,760
A stallion is
a male horse, you idiot.
291
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:26,930
MALE BARTENDER: Is there
an Albert Blot here?
292
00:13:26,970 --> 00:13:29,010
Right here.
293
00:13:29,050 --> 00:13:31,310
That's my nickname.
294
00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:32,970
Hello.
295
00:13:33,020 --> 00:13:34,520
Hi, baby,
what's keeping you?
296
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:36,980
Uh, excuse me.
I'm ready to be seated now.
297
00:13:37,020 --> 00:13:38,650
My husband's going
to meet me later.
298
00:13:38,690 --> 00:13:41,150
Very good, ma'am.
Okay.
299
00:13:41,190 --> 00:13:43,610
Well, would you want
to go out another time?
300
00:13:44,860 --> 00:13:49,870
Ohh, so the whole thing
was a big joke, huh?
301
00:13:51,580 --> 00:13:52,950
No, no, it was funny.
302
00:13:52,990 --> 00:13:55,330
I'm laughing.
303
00:13:55,370 --> 00:13:58,080
Well, bye.
304
00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:11,890
Mrs. Heffernan?
Yeah?
305
00:14:11,930 --> 00:14:14,520
Your table's ready.
Okay. Thank you.
306
00:14:14,560 --> 00:14:17,390
Tito, you're with me.
307
00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:28,240
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]
308
00:14:41,670 --> 00:14:42,840
Whoa.
309
00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:44,460
Whoo!
310
00:14:45,460 --> 00:14:47,010
[SIGHING]
311
00:14:47,050 --> 00:14:49,260
Oh, Deacon,
want to cut in?
312
00:14:49,300 --> 00:14:50,720
Oh, okay.
313
00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:52,640
I'm just going
to the bathroom.
314
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:54,640
Hmmm.
315
00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:56,430
Okay.
316
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:01,230
Oh, you know what?
317
00:15:01,270 --> 00:15:04,570
Looks like I need
another one of these
apricot sours.
318
00:15:04,610 --> 00:15:06,230
Another one. Oh!
319
00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:08,700
Somebody has
a hollow leg.
320
00:15:08,740 --> 00:15:11,820
Yes.
My leg is hollow.
321
00:15:11,870 --> 00:15:14,240
Ohh!
322
00:15:18,750 --> 00:15:20,040
[WHISPERING] Psst!
323
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:22,040
Hey, Deac, I think
I have an idea.
324
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:23,880
When she comes back out,
325
00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:26,840
I'm gonna pretend like
I'm having a bad reaction
to that onion dip,
326
00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:29,550
which, by the way,
I think I am.
327
00:15:29,590 --> 00:15:33,600
And you offer to drive me
to the hospital and we're
home free.
328
00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:35,140
You with me?
329
00:15:36,140 --> 00:15:37,640
Deacon, you--
330
00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:41,190
No...
331
00:15:55,910 --> 00:15:57,870
Albert?
Yeah?
332
00:15:57,910 --> 00:16:02,040
Could you not touch
every single piece
of garlic bread?
333
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:04,170
Oh, sorry.
334
00:16:04,210 --> 00:16:05,460
That's mine.
335
00:16:05,500 --> 00:16:07,590
Oh, sorry.
336
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:10,220
Ooh, a photographer.
337
00:16:10,260 --> 00:16:11,840
Hey! [SNAPS FINGERS] Over here!
338
00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:13,090
Is it okay if I get
a picture of us?
339
00:16:13,130 --> 00:16:14,640
Yeah. Fine, fine.
340
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:17,310
Right. This way
I can tell the guys
at work I bagged you.
341
00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:20,390
That's it. Up.
342
00:16:20,430 --> 00:16:23,230
Huh?
Get up! Get up!
343
00:16:24,270 --> 00:16:26,770
Now, sit over there.
344
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:33,660
Albert, do you have
any idea why that girl
345
00:16:33,700 --> 00:16:36,070
didn't want to go out
with you tonight?
346
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:37,240
No.
347
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:39,620
Because you act
like a schmuck.
348
00:16:39,660 --> 00:16:43,250
Now, I'm taking
a gamble that maybe,
just maybe,
349
00:16:43,290 --> 00:16:47,090
deep down underneath
you're not a schmuck,
350
00:16:47,130 --> 00:16:49,340
so starting now,
you're gonna act normal.
351
00:16:49,380 --> 00:16:52,510
Now, if you
slip up once, I'm gone.
Do you understand?
352
00:16:52,550 --> 00:16:56,640
Good. Albert,
look at my eyes,
not at my chest.
353
00:16:58,430 --> 00:16:59,760
Good.
354
00:16:59,810 --> 00:17:02,350
Now, talk.
355
00:17:02,390 --> 00:17:04,310
What should I talk about?
I don't know.
356
00:17:04,350 --> 00:17:05,980
Just tell me what
you do for a living.
357
00:17:06,020 --> 00:17:07,900
I'm an assistant manager.
358
00:17:08,770 --> 00:17:10,940
-At?
-Kinko's.
359
00:17:10,980 --> 00:17:12,320
Kinko's. Good.
360
00:17:12,360 --> 00:17:15,660
Now, as much
as I may regret saying this,
361
00:17:15,700 --> 00:17:17,490
tell me more about that.
362
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:21,750
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
363
00:17:21,790 --> 00:17:25,080
You realize, of course,
we're going to have
to be very discreet.
364
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:26,670
Of course.
365
00:17:26,710 --> 00:17:28,380
We must never
call each other at home.
366
00:17:28,420 --> 00:17:31,800
Right, and if we do,
we use funny voices.
367
00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:35,260
So you sure you can
make it every Wednesday?
368
00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:38,090
Oh, yes. My husband
plays golf.
369
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:39,640
You?
370
00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:41,310
Never played.
371
00:17:41,350 --> 00:17:43,810
No, I meant,
can you make it?
372
00:17:43,850 --> 00:17:45,480
Of course.
Every Wednesday,
373
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:47,520
my wife gets
a high colonic.
374
00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:48,610
Good.
375
00:17:48,650 --> 00:17:51,070
So every Wednesday
at the St. Argyle,
376
00:17:51,110 --> 00:17:52,730
exactly 2:00 p.m.
377
00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:55,200
We'll have a drink
at the bar first,
sitting side-by-side,
378
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,660
but never making
eye contact or speaking.
379
00:17:57,700 --> 00:18:00,370
Good, and then
I'll leave first.
380
00:18:00,410 --> 00:18:02,660
Pay for your drink
so no one suspects.
381
00:18:02,700 --> 00:18:07,670
And I'll, uh,
I'll wait for you
382
00:18:07,710 --> 00:18:09,920
up in the room.
383
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:11,800
Perfect.
384
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:15,380
Oh, this is so wrong.
385
00:18:15,420 --> 00:18:18,010
Look! We've lived
by their rules
long enough!
386
00:18:18,050 --> 00:18:20,010
It's our day now!
387
00:18:20,050 --> 00:18:21,140
Yes.
388
00:18:21,180 --> 00:18:22,970
Let's live for us.
389
00:18:24,060 --> 00:18:26,560
WOMAN: Ma!
390
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:30,230
So, Ma, you met a fella
after all, huh?
391
00:18:30,270 --> 00:18:31,820
Well, I just--
392
00:18:31,860 --> 00:18:33,230
Hi! Allison Finnegan.
393
00:18:33,270 --> 00:18:35,530
You two make
a very cute couple.
394
00:18:35,570 --> 00:18:37,320
See, Ma?
This was good.
395
00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:40,240
Give him your number.
I'll wait in the car.
396
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:42,910
She's lots of fun.
397
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,750
Oh, listen,
I'm-- I'm sorry.
398
00:18:48,790 --> 00:18:50,540
I'm not really married.
399
00:18:50,580 --> 00:18:53,500
I just said that I was
to avoid talking.
400
00:18:53,550 --> 00:18:56,550
Then once I said it,
I had to stick with it.
401
00:18:57,340 --> 00:18:58,970
Actually, uh...
402
00:18:59,010 --> 00:19:00,220
I, uh...
403
00:19:00,260 --> 00:19:02,140
I'm not married,
either.
404
00:19:02,180 --> 00:19:03,600
Oh.
405
00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:06,680
I said I was
for the same reason
you did.
406
00:19:07,850 --> 00:19:09,480
Oh.
407
00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:11,650
So I guess we're free
to get together
any time we want, huh?
408
00:19:11,690 --> 00:19:13,940
No need to go
sneaking around now.
409
00:19:13,980 --> 00:19:15,690
No, not at all.
410
00:19:15,730 --> 00:19:17,690
Well, so long.
411
00:19:17,740 --> 00:19:19,610
See ya.
412
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:24,490
So, I'm thinkin' maybe next year
413
00:19:24,530 --> 00:19:26,240
I get
a little more money saved,
414
00:19:26,290 --> 00:19:28,580
uh, I may take
some college courses at night,
415
00:19:28,620 --> 00:19:30,580
you know,
try to make something of myself.
416
00:19:30,620 --> 00:19:32,380
That's great, Albert.
417
00:19:32,420 --> 00:19:33,540
What are you interested in?
418
00:19:33,590 --> 00:19:35,380
Well, I really like animals.
419
00:19:35,420 --> 00:19:36,710
So, you think maybe
you want to be a vet?
420
00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:39,260
Well, I was thinkin'
dog walker.
421
00:19:39,300 --> 00:19:42,010
But the vet thing
sounds good too.
422
00:19:42,050 --> 00:19:43,800
So, Albert, congratulations,
423
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:46,970
you made it all the way
though dinner acting normal.
424
00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:48,220
-Really?
-Yes.
425
00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:49,890
-[ALBERT CHUCKLES]
-Actually, I had a--
426
00:19:49,930 --> 00:19:52,100
I had a decent time.
And I feel like I did
427
00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:55,610
a public service for any woman
to come near you in the future.
428
00:19:55,650 --> 00:19:56,940
Thanks!
429
00:19:56,980 --> 00:19:58,230
Here's your check.
430
00:19:58,280 --> 00:19:59,570
-Oh...
-Thank you.
431
00:19:59,610 --> 00:20:01,990
Don't worry, Al,
I got it.
432
00:20:02,030 --> 00:20:03,450
-Really?
-Mm-hmm.
433
00:20:03,490 --> 00:20:06,410
Oh, hey, I appreciate that.
434
00:20:06,450 --> 00:20:08,540
Hey, she may
be payin' for dinner,
435
00:20:08,580 --> 00:20:11,000
but I'm gonna earn it later,
if you know what I mean.
436
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:14,960
Couldn't make it
to the finish line, could ya?
437
00:20:19,340 --> 00:20:21,970
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
438
00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:49,080
[CIGARETTE HISSES]
439
00:21:02,470 --> 00:21:03,470
[MUSIC STOPS]
440
00:21:03,510 --> 00:21:04,930
[SLEEPY] Spencie?
441
00:21:04,970 --> 00:21:06,890
You home?
442
00:21:06,930 --> 00:21:08,560
Uh, yeah.
443
00:21:09,390 --> 00:21:12,390
Come give Mommy
a big kiss.
444
00:21:13,310 --> 00:21:16,860
I can't...
I gotta go back out...
445
00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:21,360
and get some...
Star Trek stuff.
446
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,110
Okay.
447
00:21:25,740 --> 00:21:27,450
Sorry about what
I said before.
448
00:21:27,490 --> 00:21:30,040
I--I love you.
449
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:32,450
I love you, too.
450
00:21:35,420 --> 00:21:38,040
By the way,
Doug stayed the longest.
451
00:21:45,220 --> 00:21:47,390
Happy Valentine's Day.
452
00:21:47,430 --> 00:21:50,720
[MUMBLING] Happy
Valentine's Day
to you, too.
453
00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:53,430
You still want
to fool around?
454
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:55,730
I had a rough night.
455
00:21:55,770 --> 00:21:58,650
Could you just
sing to me?
456
00:21:58,690 --> 00:22:02,480
Come here, baby.
[CLEARING THROAT]
457
00:22:04,690 --> 00:22:08,660
* It's your birthdayValentine *
458
00:22:08,700 --> 00:22:11,660
That's not funny.
[CRACKS UP]
459
00:22:12,990 --> 00:22:16,500
[**]
30705
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