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1
00:00:02,710 --> 00:00:04,420
CROWD: Mazel tov!
2
00:00:04,460 --> 00:00:06,130
-VERONICA: Oh!
-ARTHUR: Oh!
3
00:00:06,170 --> 00:00:07,590
Arthur, I'll make you
very happy.
4
00:00:07,630 --> 00:00:08,550
I'm sure you will.
5
00:00:08,590 --> 00:00:10,460
Look at this picture.
What's that?
6
00:00:10,510 --> 00:00:12,050
I don't know.
Somebody's baby.
7
00:00:12,090 --> 00:00:15,140
Yeah, our baby.
8
00:00:16,220 --> 00:00:18,180
Her name is Ming Mei.
She's 4 days old.
9
00:00:18,220 --> 00:00:19,970
Isn't she beautiful?
10
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,520
All right, I have to call
the adoption agency
11
00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:22,850
and tell them that
we're on the next flight
12
00:00:22,890 --> 00:00:24,310
out to Beijing.
13
00:00:24,350 --> 00:00:26,150
I've--I can't believe
I'm making this call.
14
00:00:26,190 --> 00:00:27,480
I mean, I've ordered
Chinese before,
15
00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:30,980
but never a baby.
Ah ha ha! Ahh!
16
00:00:31,030 --> 00:00:32,280
Carrie, we're not
doin' this.
17
00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:33,820
What are you
talkin' about?
18
00:00:33,860 --> 00:00:35,070
I know about
the apartment,
19
00:00:35,110 --> 00:00:36,700
and I know you never
got rid of it.
20
00:00:36,740 --> 00:00:38,830
I should have gotten rid of it
a couple weeks ago, but--
21
00:00:38,870 --> 00:00:41,080
We made a deal. I mean,
I quit my job for you,
22
00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:42,580
and I loved
that job.
23
00:00:42,620 --> 00:00:44,040
You hated that job.
You said so a thousand times.
24
00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:45,710
No, the point is
I took a leap of faith
25
00:00:45,750 --> 00:00:46,920
for the sake
of our future,
26
00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:48,080
and you didn't!
27
00:00:48,130 --> 00:00:49,340
Okay, Doug,
so what are you saying?
28
00:00:49,380 --> 00:00:51,880
Are you saying we're over?
29
00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:53,380
I guess I am.
30
00:00:56,300 --> 00:00:59,220
* My eyesare gettin' weary*
31
00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:01,720
* My back is gettin' tight*
32
00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:03,560
* I'm sittin' herein traffic*
33
00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:06,560
* On the Queensboro Bridgetonight*
34
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:10,770
* But I don't care,'cause all I wanna do*
35
00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:16,110
* Is cash my check and driveright home to you*
36
00:01:17,950 --> 00:01:19,450
* 'Cause, baby,all my life*
37
00:01:19,490 --> 00:01:23,580
* I will be drivin' hometo you*
38
00:01:29,460 --> 00:01:33,670
[SLOW INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING]
39
00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:36,970
[APPLAUSE]
40
00:01:37,010 --> 00:01:39,180
WOMAN: That's a great
shot. Smile.
41
00:01:39,220 --> 00:01:41,220
Ohh. [LAUGHING]
42
00:01:41,260 --> 00:01:44,270
Oh, Arthur, I've never
been so happy in my life.
43
00:01:44,310 --> 00:01:47,390
If our marriage ended
tomorrow, I have no regrets.
44
00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,020
Good to know.
45
00:01:50,690 --> 00:01:51,860
Holly, how are you?
46
00:01:51,900 --> 00:01:53,650
Hi, Veronica.
Hi, Arthur.
47
00:01:53,690 --> 00:01:55,360
Congratulations.
48
00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:57,320
Look at you.
You're pregnant.
49
00:01:57,360 --> 00:01:58,820
No, no. I made
that mistake before.
50
00:01:58,860 --> 00:02:01,370
She has
an eating disorder.
51
00:02:01,410 --> 00:02:03,330
Oh, no, no.
I actually am pregnant.
52
00:02:03,370 --> 00:02:04,330
Oh, wonderful.
53
00:02:04,370 --> 00:02:06,200
So, where's
your husband?
54
00:02:06,250 --> 00:02:07,830
Uh, yeah. Where is he?
55
00:02:07,870 --> 00:02:09,620
Uh, he must've gone
to the men's room.
56
00:02:09,670 --> 00:02:12,000
Oh, that's where
Arthur proposed to me.
57
00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:14,630
Oh. I've had
that happen, yeah.
58
00:02:14,670 --> 00:02:16,510
Actually, it was more
of a porta-potty.
59
00:02:16,550 --> 00:02:19,130
But anyway,
congratulations.
60
00:02:19,180 --> 00:02:21,050
Thank you, sweetheart.
61
00:02:21,090 --> 00:02:24,560
[BAND BEGINS NEW SONG]
62
00:02:25,810 --> 00:02:27,640
Carrie, congratulations!
63
00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:29,640
Thank you, Lou.
It's a happy day, isn't it?
64
00:02:29,690 --> 00:02:31,690
Yes, a very happy day.
65
00:02:39,900 --> 00:02:40,910
Hello.
66
00:02:40,950 --> 00:02:42,120
Hey.
67
00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:43,740
You're lookin' well.
68
00:02:43,780 --> 00:02:46,750
I, uh, like
the new highlights.
69
00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:48,540
Thank you.
70
00:02:48,580 --> 00:02:50,580
Look, Danny,
I know things got ugly
71
00:02:50,620 --> 00:02:51,750
between us
when I moved out,
72
00:02:51,790 --> 00:02:52,960
and that--
that was my fault,
73
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:55,130
and I just wanna say
I'm sorry.
74
00:02:55,170 --> 00:02:57,170
Hey, man, don't worry
about it, buddy, all right?
75
00:02:57,210 --> 00:03:00,800
Good. Well, now that, you know,
Arthur's marrying my mom,
76
00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:03,850
um, he's probably gonna
be taking, uh, my bed
77
00:03:03,890 --> 00:03:05,600
since it's same as hers,
78
00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:10,310
so I was wondering
if maybe I could...
79
00:03:10,350 --> 00:03:13,020
move back...
80
00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:14,150
Who's this?
81
00:03:14,190 --> 00:03:17,570
This is, uh, Sandy,
my new girlfriend
82
00:03:17,610 --> 00:03:20,240
and roommate.
83
00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:22,200
Roommate? That's...
84
00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:23,240
great.
85
00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:24,910
Yeah, I moved in
last week.
86
00:03:24,950 --> 00:03:26,740
Oh, I had to pack up
some of your stuff
87
00:03:26,790 --> 00:03:29,410
to make some room
in the closet, mostly...
88
00:03:29,450 --> 00:03:31,080
[DISGUSTED]
...magazines.
89
00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:35,290
Yeah, those are for
a research project
about Thailand,
90
00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:37,340
with, um...
91
00:03:40,340 --> 00:03:42,090
Hey, Spence,
congratulations.
92
00:03:42,130 --> 00:03:43,930
-Oh, thanks, Lou.
-Happy day, isn't it?
93
00:03:43,970 --> 00:03:47,100
Very happy.
Um, would you
excuse me for a second?
94
00:03:54,650 --> 00:03:56,230
Doug?
95
00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:57,270
Spencer!
96
00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,530
Hey, buddy,
party's out here.
97
00:03:59,570 --> 00:04:01,900
Let me just get you
set up, man.
98
00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:04,660
I gotta
get you set up.
99
00:04:05,660 --> 00:04:07,620
-Ah.
-There you go, buddy.
100
00:04:07,660 --> 00:04:09,040
-Sit down. Sit down.
-Oh, God.
101
00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:10,660
Hey.
102
00:04:10,700 --> 00:04:12,540
What--wh-what are you
doing out here?
103
00:04:12,580 --> 00:04:16,460
Just celebratin'
my freedom.
104
00:04:16,500 --> 00:04:19,130
Carrie and I are
gettin' a divorce.
105
00:04:19,170 --> 00:04:20,050
What?!
106
00:04:20,090 --> 00:04:21,880
Mm-hmm.
Turns out she kept
107
00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:24,180
her apartment
in Manhattan,
108
00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:26,970
so...split 'em up!
109
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:30,600
Doug, I have
a confession to make.
110
00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:32,350
I'm the one that called
and told you
111
00:04:32,390 --> 00:04:33,850
she was still
in the apartment.
112
00:04:33,890 --> 00:04:35,770
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah, I--
113
00:04:35,810 --> 00:04:37,150
I thought I was
in love with her.
114
00:04:37,190 --> 00:04:39,150
But--but I realize now
it was because
115
00:04:39,190 --> 00:04:44,490
things weren't going well
at home, and...
116
00:04:44,530 --> 00:04:47,240
now that's gone, too.
117
00:04:48,990 --> 00:04:51,870
You are one sweet...
118
00:04:51,910 --> 00:04:54,830
creepy little dude.
119
00:04:54,870 --> 00:04:56,750
Hey, if you wanna
move in with me,
120
00:04:56,790 --> 00:04:58,000
that's cool.
121
00:04:58,040 --> 00:05:01,250
[SPUTTERS] Really?
You mean it?
122
00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:04,590
Hell to the yeah!
123
00:05:04,630 --> 00:05:07,010
I know I mess
with you a lot, but...
124
00:05:07,050 --> 00:05:09,390
the truth is
I love you more than
125
00:05:09,430 --> 00:05:11,350
any of my other friends.
126
00:05:11,390 --> 00:05:13,020
Well, thanks, Doug.
127
00:05:13,060 --> 00:05:16,520
I--you know, y-you've always
been kind of a hero to me.
128
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:18,560
I am not a hero!
129
00:05:18,610 --> 00:05:19,690
I'll kill you!
130
00:05:19,730 --> 00:05:22,400
Okay, I didn't--
131
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:23,990
I didn't
mean anything by it.
132
00:05:24,030 --> 00:05:25,900
And now I love you.
133
00:05:25,950 --> 00:05:27,950
Come on.
Let's wrestle.
134
00:05:30,370 --> 00:05:33,830
Aw, Kel, I can't believe
I screwed everything up.
135
00:05:33,870 --> 00:05:36,750
One moment of weakness,
and I lost my husband,
136
00:05:36,790 --> 00:05:38,460
my Ming Mei.
137
00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:41,460
He really
won't forgive you?
138
00:05:41,500 --> 00:05:42,630
No, and who can
blame him?
139
00:05:42,670 --> 00:05:43,670
I mean,
I didn't show him
140
00:05:43,710 --> 00:05:44,880
the commitment
he deserves,
141
00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,720
and that is just
unforgivable.
142
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:49,510
Yeah, well, he's let you down
lots of times.
143
00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:51,760
Yeah, but nothing
like this.
144
00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:53,770
What about when
he faked a heart attack
145
00:05:53,810 --> 00:05:57,060
because he forgot
your boss' name?
146
00:05:57,940 --> 00:05:59,730
That wasn't a big deal.
147
00:05:59,770 --> 00:06:01,310
What about when
he used your tax refund
148
00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:03,400
to buy an ice-cream truck?
149
00:06:04,940 --> 00:06:06,400
Yeah, but that
was my fault.
150
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:09,530
I shouldn't have left
the check lying around.
151
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:10,870
What about
when you had to cancel
152
00:06:10,910 --> 00:06:12,330
your birthday trip
to Paris
153
00:06:12,370 --> 00:06:16,080
because he was a semi-finalist
in a bladder bust contest?
154
00:06:17,620 --> 00:06:19,920
Yeah, that was
a kick in the Chiclets.
155
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:21,960
MAN: Folks, we have a very
special treat for you tonight.
156
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:23,550
Our beautiful bride
is gonna sing one
157
00:06:23,590 --> 00:06:24,630
of her hit records for us.
158
00:06:24,670 --> 00:06:26,010
So please welcome
to the stage
159
00:06:26,050 --> 00:06:28,510
the very lovely and talented
Ava St. Clair!
160
00:06:28,550 --> 00:06:30,470
[APPLAUSE]
161
00:06:30,510 --> 00:06:32,430
I-I'm not Ava St. Clair.
162
00:06:32,470 --> 00:06:34,680
I'm not Cliff Robertson,
but that didn't stop me
163
00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:37,230
from signing my meals
to his hotel room.
164
00:06:37,270 --> 00:06:38,520
Now get up there!
165
00:06:39,890 --> 00:06:41,730
So would you care
for garden or Caesar?
166
00:06:41,770 --> 00:06:43,900
Uh, garden salad,
please.
167
00:06:43,940 --> 00:06:47,070
And would you know if
there's anyone sitting there?
168
00:06:47,110 --> 00:06:49,570
Yeah, my husband.
Heh heh.
169
00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:51,610
I mean, of course
I have a husband.
170
00:06:51,660 --> 00:06:53,240
Look at me.
171
00:06:54,740 --> 00:06:56,240
Of course. Do you know
if he would like
172
00:06:56,290 --> 00:06:58,160
garden or Caesar?
173
00:06:58,870 --> 00:07:01,330
[FIGHTING TEARS]
Caesar.
174
00:07:01,370 --> 00:07:03,630
LOU: Holly, it's so good
to see you.
175
00:07:03,670 --> 00:07:05,920
-Hi, Lou.
-Such a happy day.
176
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:08,300
[SOBBING]
Oh, God!
177
00:07:09,590 --> 00:07:13,800
* You can lickthat lollipop, mister*
178
00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:18,220
* But you can't lick me*
179
00:07:19,890 --> 00:07:23,020
This is pornographic.
180
00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:27,030
[SPENCE AND DOUG GRUNTING]
181
00:07:33,530 --> 00:07:34,660
Aah!
182
00:07:34,700 --> 00:07:36,450
Ohh! Aah!
183
00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:38,750
That--that's 11-4, me.
184
00:07:38,790 --> 00:07:40,080
Let's go.
Hands and knees.
185
00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:42,000
No, I'm not wrestling
with you anymore!
186
00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:45,340
You don't respect
my safe word.
187
00:07:45,380 --> 00:07:46,920
Such a baby.
188
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,800
Hey, Holly.
I'm drunk. Are you?
189
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:50,920
No.
190
00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:52,470
Well, a little.
191
00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:55,550
Hey, Hol.
How's it goin'?
192
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:56,720
Great. Great.
193
00:07:56,760 --> 00:07:58,390
My husband
just left me,
194
00:07:58,430 --> 00:08:01,020
and I'm about to have a baby
with no job and no money,
195
00:08:01,060 --> 00:08:03,020
but other than that,
real good.
196
00:08:03,060 --> 00:08:04,690
I'm splittin' up
with Carrie.
197
00:08:04,730 --> 00:08:06,730
You wanna move in
with me?
198
00:08:06,770 --> 00:08:09,820
Really?
Oh, my God. Yes. Yes.
199
00:08:09,860 --> 00:08:11,360
No, no. You--wait.
You said I could
200
00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:12,610
move in with you.
201
00:08:12,650 --> 00:08:14,530
Did I? You're out.
Holly's in.
202
00:08:15,740 --> 00:08:17,120
Doug, I--I can't believe
203
00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:18,540
how kind and generous
you're being.
204
00:08:18,580 --> 00:08:19,830
I mean, honestly,
205
00:08:19,870 --> 00:08:22,000
I didn't even think
you liked me that much.
206
00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:23,870
No. Truth is, I mean,
207
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:26,290
I love you more than
any of my other friends.
208
00:08:26,330 --> 00:08:28,550
Oh, my God.
209
00:08:28,590 --> 00:08:29,960
Doug, I'm--thank you.
210
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,840
I really needed to hear
something like that right now.
211
00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:33,550
Oh, no problem.
212
00:08:33,590 --> 00:08:35,970
Come on.
Let's wrestle.
213
00:08:36,010 --> 00:08:37,180
Thank you very much.
214
00:08:37,220 --> 00:08:38,510
Now if I could have
your attention,
215
00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:39,600
it's time for the toast.
216
00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:41,180
Toasting our groom,
Arthur Spooner,
217
00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:43,770
is his best man
and son-in-law,
218
00:08:43,810 --> 00:08:44,850
Doug Heffernan.
219
00:08:44,890 --> 00:08:46,020
[BAND PLAYS FANFARE]
220
00:08:46,060 --> 00:08:48,310
[APPLAUSE]
221
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,280
Holly, have you
seen Douglas?
222
00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:02,000
He fell asleep
when we were wrestling.
223
00:09:03,660 --> 00:09:05,920
Well, at least you weren't
under him when it happened.
224
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:09,380
That was 6 of the most
terrifying hours of my life.
225
00:09:13,170 --> 00:09:16,090
Spence, congratulations.
You're my new best man.
226
00:09:16,130 --> 00:09:17,840
Now get up there
and toast me, kid.
227
00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:19,720
I don't feel like it,
Arthur.
228
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:21,430
I'm having
a very rough night.
229
00:09:21,470 --> 00:09:24,480
I'm your father.
I command you to toast me!
230
00:09:25,980 --> 00:09:29,730
I'll toast who I want
when I want.
231
00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:31,730
You got that, Dad?
232
00:09:31,780 --> 00:09:34,030
This isn't over!
233
00:09:37,570 --> 00:09:39,910
Hey, uh, heh.
234
00:09:39,950 --> 00:09:41,620
Like the way you
stood up to him there.
235
00:09:41,660 --> 00:09:43,080
Oh, thanks. Thanks.
236
00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:44,950
You know, kind of
reminded me of the way
237
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:46,620
you stood up
to our landlord
238
00:09:46,670 --> 00:09:47,710
about that roach problem.
239
00:09:47,750 --> 00:09:49,790
Oh. Well, the lease
clearly states
240
00:09:49,830 --> 00:09:51,630
when there's more
than a thousand,
241
00:09:51,670 --> 00:09:53,510
it's his responsibility.
242
00:09:53,550 --> 00:09:55,420
You see, I wouldn't
have known that.
243
00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:57,800
Hey, did you see America'sNext Top Modelthis week?
244
00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:01,300
Yes! Can you believe it
came down to Marquesa and Lisi?
245
00:10:01,350 --> 00:10:03,390
I know! I mean,
it's so obvious
246
00:10:03,430 --> 00:10:04,430
who's gonna win
this thing.
247
00:10:04,470 --> 00:10:06,060
-Duh. Marquesa.
-Marquesa.
248
00:10:06,100 --> 00:10:08,400
Ha ha ha ha ha!
249
00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:09,440
Marquesa. Eww.
250
00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:12,110
Lisi's way better
for couture.
251
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:15,440
[GROANS]
252
00:10:16,860 --> 00:10:18,110
Come on, Danny.
Let's go home.
253
00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:19,610
I'm bored.
254
00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:22,240
All right. Why don't you, uh,
go grab your jacket?
255
00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:24,700
-I'll be right with you.
-Okay.
256
00:10:25,950 --> 00:10:27,120
Sorry about the whole
Marquesa thing.
257
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,210
It's cool.
It's cool.
258
00:10:30,540 --> 00:10:33,000
Well, I guess she's
waitin' for me.
259
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:34,300
Better take off.
260
00:10:34,340 --> 00:10:37,050
Yeah. See you
at the allergist's.
261
00:10:38,010 --> 00:10:40,140
I don't even
know you that well.
262
00:10:40,180 --> 00:10:42,850
I'm a crusty curmudgeon
with a heart of gold.
263
00:10:42,890 --> 00:10:44,720
Now go!
264
00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:45,810
[PLAYS FANFARE]
265
00:10:45,850 --> 00:10:48,270
[APPLAUSE]
266
00:10:49,980 --> 00:10:54,190
Hi. Uh, I'll never forget
the first time I met Arthur.
267
00:10:54,230 --> 00:10:57,110
I was, uh, sitting
in the Heffernan living room,
268
00:10:57,150 --> 00:10:58,530
watching TV.
269
00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:00,200
Uh, Arthur came in,
and when he saw me,
270
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:02,320
he begged me not to
hurt him, then ran off
271
00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:04,620
to call the police.
272
00:11:04,660 --> 00:11:07,540
Ha ha ha ha ha!
273
00:11:07,580 --> 00:11:08,830
Hoo!
274
00:11:08,870 --> 00:11:11,120
And, hello, remember
that time your appendix burst
275
00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:13,210
and he wouldn't
leave work early?
276
00:11:13,250 --> 00:11:17,300
He did leave work early--
to go to the rodeo.
277
00:11:18,590 --> 00:11:19,880
That's it.
278
00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:21,050
I just--I think
you'll feel better
279
00:11:21,090 --> 00:11:22,510
if you have a little
something to eat.
280
00:11:22,550 --> 00:11:24,350
I'll get you
my husband's prime rib.
281
00:11:24,390 --> 00:11:27,180
Oh. Thank you, Spence.
282
00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:33,100
You know, you really had me
goin' out there, Doug.
283
00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:34,400
"I took a leap of faith
for you.
284
00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:35,650
You didn't take
a leap of faith for me."
285
00:11:35,690 --> 00:11:37,230
Do you know how many times
in our marriage
286
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,320
you have screwed me over
to do what you wanted to do?
287
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:42,110
Aw, here we go
with the rodeo again.
288
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,490
It comes to town
once a year!
289
00:11:45,620 --> 00:11:47,910
It wasn't just that, Doug.
It was many other things,
290
00:11:47,950 --> 00:11:49,410
and I forgave you
for everything,
291
00:11:49,450 --> 00:11:51,290
so you damn well better
forgive me for this.
292
00:11:51,330 --> 00:11:52,960
You don't tell me
what I better
293
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:54,790
damn well better do.
294
00:11:54,830 --> 00:11:56,340
Okay, you know what?
295
00:11:56,380 --> 00:11:57,590
Do whatever you wanna do,
but let me tell you something.
296
00:11:57,630 --> 00:11:59,840
I love this baby,
and I want her,
297
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:01,300
and I am gonna get her
for myself.
298
00:12:01,340 --> 00:12:02,760
Oh, no. No, no,
299
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:04,680
no, 'cause I wanted
a baby first, okay?
300
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:06,100
So if anybody's
gonna get the baby,
301
00:12:06,140 --> 00:12:07,140
it's gonna be me.
302
00:12:07,180 --> 00:12:08,600
Oh, you really
think so, Butch?
303
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:11,100
Well, I'm on my way to China
right now to get her.
304
00:12:11,140 --> 00:12:14,560
Yeah? Not if I
get there first.
305
00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:18,650
I'm gonna get there first.
306
00:12:18,690 --> 00:12:20,190
Whoa.
307
00:12:28,700 --> 00:12:30,620
And then there was
the time Arthur thought
308
00:12:30,660 --> 00:12:32,790
I was Eddie Murphy.
309
00:12:32,830 --> 00:12:34,040
Hey, we gotta go.
310
00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:35,210
Go. Go where?
311
00:12:35,250 --> 00:12:36,540
To China to get
my baby. Come on.
312
00:12:36,580 --> 00:12:38,130
Actually, you can just
drop me at the airport
313
00:12:38,170 --> 00:12:39,500
if you don't wanna
come with.
314
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:40,760
Uh, sure.
315
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:42,970
Let's all toast
Arthur Spooner, a great guy
316
00:12:43,010 --> 00:12:45,220
who's a little racist.
317
00:12:47,470 --> 00:12:49,390
Doug, should I move in after
you get back from China or--
318
00:12:49,430 --> 00:12:53,270
Hey, Holly! Glad to see
you could make it.
319
00:12:55,100 --> 00:12:56,560
Well, I guess
I'm back out
320
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,310
on the street.
321
00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:01,990
Well, seeing as you and I
are in the same situation,
322
00:13:02,030 --> 00:13:04,110
do you wanna
get a place together?
323
00:13:04,150 --> 00:13:05,530
Really?
You mean it?
324
00:13:05,570 --> 00:13:09,950
Oh, of course. I--I would
like nothing better than...
325
00:13:11,370 --> 00:13:12,830
You forget something?
326
00:13:12,870 --> 00:13:14,910
Yeah.
327
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:17,500
I forgot my roommate.
328
00:13:19,590 --> 00:13:21,420
W-wait. You and I
we're gonna--
329
00:13:21,460 --> 00:13:23,800
Yeah, that's not
gonna work out.
330
00:13:36,690 --> 00:13:39,810
Well, you know, if things
work out between us,
331
00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:41,070
you'll have to convert.
332
00:13:41,110 --> 00:13:43,280
Of course I will.
333
00:13:44,110 --> 00:13:45,570
To what?
334
00:13:55,750 --> 00:13:57,040
I'll just get
my passport,
335
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:58,750
and then we'll
get the hell out of here.
336
00:13:58,790 --> 00:14:00,420
Doug, you've never
been out of America.
337
00:14:00,460 --> 00:14:01,750
Why do you even
have a passport?
338
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:05,010
I heard they still
had the McRib in Canada.
339
00:14:06,590 --> 00:14:10,100
Oh, hey. Off to China.
Don't wait up.
340
00:14:10,140 --> 00:14:11,640
Hey! Did you take
my passport?
341
00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:13,720
Oh, no, babe,
it's still here...
342
00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:15,890
somewhere.
343
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:30,160
Hello.
344
00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:32,780
You found it?
345
00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:34,540
Gotta admit,
the vegetable crisper
346
00:14:34,580 --> 00:14:37,120
was an inspired choice.
347
00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:39,040
But you've never gone in there
throughout your whole life.
348
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:41,630
You didn't even know
it exists.
349
00:14:41,670 --> 00:14:44,380
But Deacon does.
350
00:14:44,420 --> 00:14:46,510
His BLT was delicious.
351
00:14:46,550 --> 00:14:49,130
As is my revenge.
352
00:15:06,860 --> 00:15:09,450
-Doug.
-Hmm?
353
00:15:09,490 --> 00:15:11,110
Doug.
354
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:13,410
[GROANS]
355
00:15:13,450 --> 00:15:16,330
Oh, God.
356
00:15:16,370 --> 00:15:17,450
What?
357
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:19,540
So what's
our endgame here?
358
00:15:19,580 --> 00:15:20,830
What are we gonna do
when we land?
359
00:15:20,870 --> 00:15:22,710
We gonna race through
the streets of Beijing
360
00:15:22,750 --> 00:15:25,170
to the adoption agency?
361
00:15:25,210 --> 00:15:26,840
I don't know.
362
00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:30,470
Because if we have to
take rickshaws, you'll lose.
363
00:15:33,390 --> 00:15:35,390
Not if it's downhill.
364
00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:40,270
What happened here?
365
00:15:40,310 --> 00:15:41,770
I don't know.
366
00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:46,190
You know, when my, uh...
367
00:15:46,230 --> 00:15:50,110
when my mom died
when I was a kid,
368
00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:53,200
it felt like I was nothing,
you know, like I had no life.
369
00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:58,200
My dad did his best
to be a good parent, but...
370
00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:00,710
who we kiddin'?
371
00:16:00,750 --> 00:16:04,080
Anyway, on--on Sundays,
he used to take me
372
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:06,590
to this park
on Vernon Boulevard,
373
00:16:06,630 --> 00:16:08,840
right on the East River,
374
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:12,300
where you could look across
and see Manhattan.
375
00:16:12,340 --> 00:16:14,890
And while he was, uh, off
376
00:16:14,930 --> 00:16:19,060
handing out leaflets
or chasing squirrels,
377
00:16:19,100 --> 00:16:20,560
I would just stand
at the railing,
378
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:22,060
and I would look
379
00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:24,400
at the beautiful
apartment buildings
380
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:28,400
across the river, and I--
I would imagine this great life
381
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:30,490
that I might have
someday actually living
382
00:16:30,530 --> 00:16:33,030
in one of them, you know,
383
00:16:33,070 --> 00:16:35,240
with a great job
as a fashion designer
384
00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:36,570
for Sergio Valente
385
00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:41,370
or goin' to Studio 54
every night.
386
00:16:41,410 --> 00:16:42,960
God, I'm old.
387
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:47,090
But then I grew up,
and reality set in,
388
00:16:47,130 --> 00:16:50,460
and the dream got put away.
389
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:52,590
And then I met you,
390
00:16:52,630 --> 00:16:55,760
and I was--
391
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:59,010
I was happy in a whole...
392
00:16:59,060 --> 00:17:03,480
new way I just--
I never imagined.
393
00:17:06,020 --> 00:17:08,980
I mean, I was...
394
00:17:10,110 --> 00:17:11,990
In that apartment--
I mean, I guess just dreams
395
00:17:12,030 --> 00:17:15,070
stick with you, because...
396
00:17:15,110 --> 00:17:20,700
I just--I felt
like Carrie again, you know,
397
00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:23,460
little Carrie,
finally having the thing
398
00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:27,040
she wanted back then, and...
399
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:30,420
at the moment I should
have given it up, I--
400
00:17:30,460 --> 00:17:34,010
I couldn't, you know,
because it was like...
401
00:17:34,050 --> 00:17:35,970
I was taking something
away from her.
402
00:17:36,010 --> 00:17:38,390
You know, does that
make any sense, Doug?
403
00:17:38,430 --> 00:17:40,220
Yeah.
404
00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:44,390
It's funny
to hear you say that,
405
00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:45,810
'cause all these years,
406
00:17:45,850 --> 00:17:49,810
even when things
were good with us,
407
00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:53,900
I just still sensed
there was something...
408
00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:55,990
pulling you
away from me,
409
00:17:56,030 --> 00:17:59,490
you know, like this little
voice inside saying,
410
00:17:59,530 --> 00:18:01,490
"Wanna be in Manhattan.
411
00:18:01,530 --> 00:18:03,410
I wanna be
in Manhattan."
412
00:18:04,790 --> 00:18:07,460
Plus, you said it
out loud a lot.
413
00:18:10,380 --> 00:18:11,920
I di--I did.
414
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:14,920
I did hear that voice
every day.
415
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:18,640
And now I just hear her,
her voice saying...
416
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:22,560
whatever Chinese babies
say, and--
417
00:18:27,060 --> 00:18:29,730
And I want her.
418
00:18:29,770 --> 00:18:32,820
And I--I want you.
419
00:18:32,860 --> 00:18:35,780
And I--I wish that
we could just put this all
420
00:18:35,820 --> 00:18:36,950
behind us, you know,
421
00:18:36,990 --> 00:18:40,570
and just be a family.
422
00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:45,500
I love you, Carrie.
423
00:18:45,540 --> 00:18:47,910
I love you, too.
424
00:18:51,580 --> 00:18:53,380
Oh, God.
425
00:18:53,420 --> 00:18:57,050
No, he's gotta get up.
He's gotta get up.
426
00:19:03,430 --> 00:19:06,850
DOUG: Hi, Ming Mei.
427
00:19:06,890 --> 00:19:09,100
Ming Mei Heffernan.
428
00:19:09,140 --> 00:19:10,150
You know what?
429
00:19:10,190 --> 00:19:12,440
It works.
430
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,230
Come on, honey.
We gotta go to the airport.
431
00:19:14,270 --> 00:19:15,650
CARRIE:
Just a second.
432
00:19:15,690 --> 00:19:19,240
Mommy and I are gonna
take you back home to Queens.
433
00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:21,160
You're gonna love Queens.
434
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:23,030
Queens has got
the New York Mets.
435
00:19:23,070 --> 00:19:24,700
It's got--
436
00:19:24,740 --> 00:19:27,370
well, not a lot else,
actually.
437
00:19:27,410 --> 00:19:30,120
Used to have Pastrami King
but they shut that down.
438
00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:31,670
Now, it's a bookstore.
439
00:19:31,710 --> 00:19:35,050
To tell you, the world
is a crazy place.
440
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:39,090
Ooh. She smiled at me.
441
00:19:39,130 --> 00:19:40,680
Either that,
or she's poopin'.
442
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:43,390
Or maybe both.
Maybe she just really enjoys--
443
00:19:43,430 --> 00:19:45,350
I'm pregnant.
444
00:19:45,390 --> 00:19:47,600
Pooping.
445
00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:48,810
What?
446
00:19:48,850 --> 00:19:50,560
Yeah. I haven't felt
well since we landed,
447
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:52,520
and I bought
a pregnancy test
448
00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:54,190
in the drug store
in the lobby,
449
00:19:54,230 --> 00:19:57,780
and we're gonna
have a baby.
450
00:19:58,820 --> 00:20:01,070
Well, what do we do
with this one?
451
00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:03,620
I don't know.
452
00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:05,620
I think I'm having
an anxiety attack.
453
00:20:05,660 --> 00:20:07,910
C-calm down.
A-are you sure?
454
00:20:07,950 --> 00:20:10,460
Yes, I am sure.
455
00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:12,000
I mean, look.
456
00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:14,960
Wh-what means pregnant,
the monkey or the dragon?
457
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,340
That's just decorative.
458
00:20:16,380 --> 00:20:17,750
Look, it came out blue.
That means I'm pregnant.
459
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,670
It must have happened
in the apartment that night.
460
00:20:19,710 --> 00:20:21,470
[GASPS] Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
461
00:20:21,510 --> 00:20:22,800
I thought the doctor said
you couldn't get pregnant.
462
00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:24,340
No, she said
we probably couldn't.
463
00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:25,680
It happens all the time.
464
00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:27,100
When couples don't think
they can get pregnant,
465
00:20:27,140 --> 00:20:28,600
they stop trying,
and then they adopt a baby
466
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:30,520
and--[GASPS]
Oh, God.
467
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:31,940
Carrie, you have
to calm down.
468
00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:33,600
I can't calm down, Doug.
469
00:20:33,650 --> 00:20:35,190
Yesterday I had
no husband, no baby,
470
00:20:35,230 --> 00:20:37,320
and today I have
a husband and 2 babies,
471
00:20:37,360 --> 00:20:38,610
and I'm in China.
472
00:20:38,650 --> 00:20:41,280
That's a lot of change
for one day.
473
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:43,320
What are we gonna do?
474
00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:45,570
I-I'll tell you
what we're gonna do.
475
00:20:45,620 --> 00:20:47,490
We're gonna
fly home today,
476
00:20:47,530 --> 00:20:50,250
and we're gonna start
our new life as parents
477
00:20:50,290 --> 00:20:54,830
of 2 beautiful,
wonderful children...
478
00:20:54,870 --> 00:20:57,630
with very
different-shaped eyes.
479
00:20:58,750 --> 00:21:00,920
Everything's
gonna be fine.
480
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,300
T-trust me.
481
00:21:03,340 --> 00:21:05,760
Everything's
gonna be fine.
482
00:21:06,930 --> 00:21:09,680
[**]
483
00:21:11,220 --> 00:21:12,140
[BABY CRYING]
484
00:21:12,180 --> 00:21:13,310
Ming Mei.
Ming Mei.
485
00:21:13,350 --> 00:21:14,730
-It's okay.
-DOUG: Ohh!
486
00:21:14,770 --> 00:21:16,060
It's all right, baby.
Calm down.
487
00:21:16,100 --> 00:21:17,230
It's all right, baby.
488
00:21:17,270 --> 00:21:19,020
All right.
489
00:21:19,070 --> 00:21:20,030
Try not--
490
00:21:20,070 --> 00:21:22,360
There you go.
Good girl.
491
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:24,490
It didn't work out.
492
00:21:24,530 --> 00:21:26,950
[BABY CRYING]
493
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:32,660
[**]
34264
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