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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,710 --> 00:00:04,420 CROWD: Mazel tov! 2 00:00:04,460 --> 00:00:06,130 -VERONICA: Oh! -ARTHUR: Oh! 3 00:00:06,170 --> 00:00:07,590 Arthur, I'll make you very happy. 4 00:00:07,630 --> 00:00:08,550 I'm sure you will. 5 00:00:08,590 --> 00:00:10,460 Look at this picture. What's that? 6 00:00:10,510 --> 00:00:12,050 I don't know. Somebody's baby. 7 00:00:12,090 --> 00:00:15,140 Yeah, our baby. 8 00:00:16,220 --> 00:00:18,180 Her name is Ming Mei. She's 4 days old. 9 00:00:18,220 --> 00:00:19,970 Isn't she beautiful? 10 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,520 All right, I have to call the adoption agency 11 00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:22,850 and tell them that we're on the next flight 12 00:00:22,890 --> 00:00:24,310 out to Beijing. 13 00:00:24,350 --> 00:00:26,150 I've--I can't believe I'm making this call. 14 00:00:26,190 --> 00:00:27,480 I mean, I've ordered Chinese before, 15 00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:30,980 but never a baby. Ah ha ha! Ahh! 16 00:00:31,030 --> 00:00:32,280 Carrie, we're not doin' this. 17 00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:33,820 What are you talkin' about? 18 00:00:33,860 --> 00:00:35,070 I know about the apartment, 19 00:00:35,110 --> 00:00:36,700 and I know you never got rid of it. 20 00:00:36,740 --> 00:00:38,830 I should have gotten rid of it a couple weeks ago, but-- 21 00:00:38,870 --> 00:00:41,080 We made a deal. I mean, I quit my job for you, 22 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:42,580 and I loved that job. 23 00:00:42,620 --> 00:00:44,040 You hated that job. You said so a thousand times. 24 00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:45,710 No, the point is I took a leap of faith 25 00:00:45,750 --> 00:00:46,920 for the sake of our future, 26 00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:48,080 and you didn't! 27 00:00:48,130 --> 00:00:49,340 Okay, Doug, so what are you saying? 28 00:00:49,380 --> 00:00:51,880 Are you saying we're over? 29 00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:53,380 I guess I am. 30 00:00:56,300 --> 00:00:59,220 * My eyes are gettin' weary* 31 00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:01,720 * My back is gettin' tight* 32 00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:03,560 * I'm sittin' here in traffic* 33 00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:06,560 * On the Queensboro Bridge tonight* 34 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:10,770 * But I don't care, 'cause all I wanna do* 35 00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:16,110 * Is cash my check and drive right home to you* 36 00:01:17,950 --> 00:01:19,450 * 'Cause, baby, all my life* 37 00:01:19,490 --> 00:01:23,580 * I will be drivin' home to you* 38 00:01:29,460 --> 00:01:33,670 [SLOW INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING] 39 00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:36,970 [APPLAUSE] 40 00:01:37,010 --> 00:01:39,180 WOMAN: That's a great shot. Smile. 41 00:01:39,220 --> 00:01:41,220 Ohh. [LAUGHING] 42 00:01:41,260 --> 00:01:44,270 Oh, Arthur, I've never been so happy in my life. 43 00:01:44,310 --> 00:01:47,390 If our marriage ended tomorrow, I have no regrets. 44 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,020 Good to know. 45 00:01:50,690 --> 00:01:51,860 Holly, how are you? 46 00:01:51,900 --> 00:01:53,650 Hi, Veronica. Hi, Arthur. 47 00:01:53,690 --> 00:01:55,360 Congratulations. 48 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:57,320 Look at you. You're pregnant. 49 00:01:57,360 --> 00:01:58,820 No, no. I made that mistake before. 50 00:01:58,860 --> 00:02:01,370 She has an eating disorder. 51 00:02:01,410 --> 00:02:03,330 Oh, no, no. I actually am pregnant. 52 00:02:03,370 --> 00:02:04,330 Oh, wonderful. 53 00:02:04,370 --> 00:02:06,200 So, where's your husband? 54 00:02:06,250 --> 00:02:07,830 Uh, yeah. Where is he? 55 00:02:07,870 --> 00:02:09,620 Uh, he must've gone to the men's room. 56 00:02:09,670 --> 00:02:12,000 Oh, that's where Arthur proposed to me. 57 00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:14,630 Oh. I've had that happen, yeah. 58 00:02:14,670 --> 00:02:16,510 Actually, it was more of a porta-potty. 59 00:02:16,550 --> 00:02:19,130 But anyway, congratulations. 60 00:02:19,180 --> 00:02:21,050 Thank you, sweetheart. 61 00:02:21,090 --> 00:02:24,560 [BAND BEGINS NEW SONG] 62 00:02:25,810 --> 00:02:27,640 Carrie, congratulations! 63 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:29,640 Thank you, Lou. It's a happy day, isn't it? 64 00:02:29,690 --> 00:02:31,690 Yes, a very happy day. 65 00:02:39,900 --> 00:02:40,910 Hello. 66 00:02:40,950 --> 00:02:42,120 Hey. 67 00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:43,740 You're lookin' well. 68 00:02:43,780 --> 00:02:46,750 I, uh, like the new highlights. 69 00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:48,540 Thank you. 70 00:02:48,580 --> 00:02:50,580 Look, Danny, I know things got ugly 71 00:02:50,620 --> 00:02:51,750 between us when I moved out, 72 00:02:51,790 --> 00:02:52,960 and that-- that was my fault, 73 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:55,130 and I just wanna say I'm sorry. 74 00:02:55,170 --> 00:02:57,170 Hey, man, don't worry about it, buddy, all right? 75 00:02:57,210 --> 00:03:00,800 Good. Well, now that, you know, Arthur's marrying my mom, 76 00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:03,850 um, he's probably gonna be taking, uh, my bed 77 00:03:03,890 --> 00:03:05,600 since it's same as hers, 78 00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:10,310 so I was wondering if maybe I could... 79 00:03:10,350 --> 00:03:13,020 move back... 80 00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:14,150 Who's this? 81 00:03:14,190 --> 00:03:17,570 This is, uh, Sandy, my new girlfriend 82 00:03:17,610 --> 00:03:20,240 and roommate. 83 00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:22,200 Roommate? That's... 84 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:23,240 great. 85 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:24,910 Yeah, I moved in last week. 86 00:03:24,950 --> 00:03:26,740 Oh, I had to pack up some of your stuff 87 00:03:26,790 --> 00:03:29,410 to make some room in the closet, mostly... 88 00:03:29,450 --> 00:03:31,080 [DISGUSTED] ...magazines. 89 00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:35,290 Yeah, those are for a research project about Thailand, 90 00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:37,340 with, um... 91 00:03:40,340 --> 00:03:42,090 Hey, Spence, congratulations. 92 00:03:42,130 --> 00:03:43,930 -Oh, thanks, Lou. -Happy day, isn't it? 93 00:03:43,970 --> 00:03:47,100 Very happy. Um, would you excuse me for a second? 94 00:03:54,650 --> 00:03:56,230 Doug? 95 00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:57,270 Spencer! 96 00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,530 Hey, buddy, party's out here. 97 00:03:59,570 --> 00:04:01,900 Let me just get you set up, man. 98 00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:04,660 I gotta get you set up. 99 00:04:05,660 --> 00:04:07,620 -Ah. -There you go, buddy. 100 00:04:07,660 --> 00:04:09,040 -Sit down. Sit down. -Oh, God. 101 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:10,660 Hey. 102 00:04:10,700 --> 00:04:12,540 What--wh-what are you doing out here? 103 00:04:12,580 --> 00:04:16,460 Just celebratin' my freedom. 104 00:04:16,500 --> 00:04:19,130 Carrie and I are gettin' a divorce. 105 00:04:19,170 --> 00:04:20,050 What?! 106 00:04:20,090 --> 00:04:21,880 Mm-hmm. Turns out she kept 107 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:24,180 her apartment in Manhattan, 108 00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:26,970 so...split 'em up! 109 00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:30,600 Doug, I have a confession to make. 110 00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:32,350 I'm the one that called and told you 111 00:04:32,390 --> 00:04:33,850 she was still in the apartment. 112 00:04:33,890 --> 00:04:35,770 -Oh, yeah? -Yeah, I-- 113 00:04:35,810 --> 00:04:37,150 I thought I was in love with her. 114 00:04:37,190 --> 00:04:39,150 But--but I realize now it was because 115 00:04:39,190 --> 00:04:44,490 things weren't going well at home, and... 116 00:04:44,530 --> 00:04:47,240 now that's gone, too. 117 00:04:48,990 --> 00:04:51,870 You are one sweet... 118 00:04:51,910 --> 00:04:54,830 creepy little dude. 119 00:04:54,870 --> 00:04:56,750 Hey, if you wanna move in with me, 120 00:04:56,790 --> 00:04:58,000 that's cool. 121 00:04:58,040 --> 00:05:01,250 [SPUTTERS] Really? You mean it? 122 00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:04,590 Hell to the yeah! 123 00:05:04,630 --> 00:05:07,010 I know I mess with you a lot, but... 124 00:05:07,050 --> 00:05:09,390 the truth is I love you more than 125 00:05:09,430 --> 00:05:11,350 any of my other friends. 126 00:05:11,390 --> 00:05:13,020 Well, thanks, Doug. 127 00:05:13,060 --> 00:05:16,520 I--you know, y-you've always been kind of a hero to me. 128 00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:18,560 I am not a hero! 129 00:05:18,610 --> 00:05:19,690 I'll kill you! 130 00:05:19,730 --> 00:05:22,400 Okay, I didn't-- 131 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:23,990 I didn't mean anything by it. 132 00:05:24,030 --> 00:05:25,900 And now I love you. 133 00:05:25,950 --> 00:05:27,950 Come on. Let's wrestle. 134 00:05:30,370 --> 00:05:33,830 Aw, Kel, I can't believe I screwed everything up. 135 00:05:33,870 --> 00:05:36,750 One moment of weakness, and I lost my husband, 136 00:05:36,790 --> 00:05:38,460 my Ming Mei. 137 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:41,460 He really won't forgive you? 138 00:05:41,500 --> 00:05:42,630 No, and who can blame him? 139 00:05:42,670 --> 00:05:43,670 I mean, I didn't show him 140 00:05:43,710 --> 00:05:44,880 the commitment he deserves, 141 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,720 and that is just unforgivable. 142 00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:49,510 Yeah, well, he's let you down lots of times. 143 00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:51,760 Yeah, but nothing like this. 144 00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:53,770 What about when he faked a heart attack 145 00:05:53,810 --> 00:05:57,060 because he forgot your boss' name? 146 00:05:57,940 --> 00:05:59,730 That wasn't a big deal. 147 00:05:59,770 --> 00:06:01,310 What about when he used your tax refund 148 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:03,400 to buy an ice-cream truck? 149 00:06:04,940 --> 00:06:06,400 Yeah, but that was my fault. 150 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:09,530 I shouldn't have left the check lying around. 151 00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:10,870 What about when you had to cancel 152 00:06:10,910 --> 00:06:12,330 your birthday trip to Paris 153 00:06:12,370 --> 00:06:16,080 because he was a semi-finalist in a bladder bust contest? 154 00:06:17,620 --> 00:06:19,920 Yeah, that was a kick in the Chiclets. 155 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:21,960 MAN: Folks, we have a very special treat for you tonight. 156 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:23,550 Our beautiful bride is gonna sing one 157 00:06:23,590 --> 00:06:24,630 of her hit records for us. 158 00:06:24,670 --> 00:06:26,010 So please welcome to the stage 159 00:06:26,050 --> 00:06:28,510 the very lovely and talented Ava St. Clair! 160 00:06:28,550 --> 00:06:30,470 [APPLAUSE] 161 00:06:30,510 --> 00:06:32,430 I-I'm not Ava St. Clair. 162 00:06:32,470 --> 00:06:34,680 I'm not Cliff Robertson, but that didn't stop me 163 00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:37,230 from signing my meals to his hotel room. 164 00:06:37,270 --> 00:06:38,520 Now get up there! 165 00:06:39,890 --> 00:06:41,730 So would you care for garden or Caesar? 166 00:06:41,770 --> 00:06:43,900 Uh, garden salad, please. 167 00:06:43,940 --> 00:06:47,070 And would you know if there's anyone sitting there? 168 00:06:47,110 --> 00:06:49,570 Yeah, my husband. Heh heh. 169 00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:51,610 I mean, of course I have a husband. 170 00:06:51,660 --> 00:06:53,240 Look at me. 171 00:06:54,740 --> 00:06:56,240 Of course. Do you know if he would like 172 00:06:56,290 --> 00:06:58,160 garden or Caesar? 173 00:06:58,870 --> 00:07:01,330 [FIGHTING TEARS] Caesar. 174 00:07:01,370 --> 00:07:03,630 LOU: Holly, it's so good to see you. 175 00:07:03,670 --> 00:07:05,920 -Hi, Lou. -Such a happy day. 176 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:08,300 [SOBBING] Oh, God! 177 00:07:09,590 --> 00:07:13,800 * You can lick that lollipop, mister* 178 00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:18,220 * But you can't lick me* 179 00:07:19,890 --> 00:07:23,020 This is pornographic. 180 00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:27,030 [SPENCE AND DOUG GRUNTING] 181 00:07:33,530 --> 00:07:34,660 Aah! 182 00:07:34,700 --> 00:07:36,450 Ohh! Aah! 183 00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:38,750 That--that's 11-4, me. 184 00:07:38,790 --> 00:07:40,080 Let's go. Hands and knees. 185 00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:42,000 No, I'm not wrestling with you anymore! 186 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:45,340 You don't respect my safe word. 187 00:07:45,380 --> 00:07:46,920 Such a baby. 188 00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,800 Hey, Holly. I'm drunk. Are you? 189 00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:50,920 No. 190 00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:52,470 Well, a little. 191 00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:55,550 Hey, Hol. How's it goin'? 192 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:56,720 Great. Great. 193 00:07:56,760 --> 00:07:58,390 My husband just left me, 194 00:07:58,430 --> 00:08:01,020 and I'm about to have a baby with no job and no money, 195 00:08:01,060 --> 00:08:03,020 but other than that, real good. 196 00:08:03,060 --> 00:08:04,690 I'm splittin' up with Carrie. 197 00:08:04,730 --> 00:08:06,730 You wanna move in with me? 198 00:08:06,770 --> 00:08:09,820 Really? Oh, my God. Yes. Yes. 199 00:08:09,860 --> 00:08:11,360 No, no. You--wait. You said I could 200 00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:12,610 move in with you. 201 00:08:12,650 --> 00:08:14,530 Did I? You're out. Holly's in. 202 00:08:15,740 --> 00:08:17,120 Doug, I--I can't believe 203 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:18,540 how kind and generous you're being. 204 00:08:18,580 --> 00:08:19,830 I mean, honestly, 205 00:08:19,870 --> 00:08:22,000 I didn't even think you liked me that much. 206 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:23,870 No. Truth is, I mean, 207 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:26,290 I love you more than any of my other friends. 208 00:08:26,330 --> 00:08:28,550 Oh, my God. 209 00:08:28,590 --> 00:08:29,960 Doug, I'm--thank you. 210 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,840 I really needed to hear something like that right now. 211 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:33,550 Oh, no problem. 212 00:08:33,590 --> 00:08:35,970 Come on. Let's wrestle. 213 00:08:36,010 --> 00:08:37,180 Thank you very much. 214 00:08:37,220 --> 00:08:38,510 Now if I could have your attention, 215 00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:39,600 it's time for the toast. 216 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:41,180 Toasting our groom, Arthur Spooner, 217 00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:43,770 is his best man and son-in-law, 218 00:08:43,810 --> 00:08:44,850 Doug Heffernan. 219 00:08:44,890 --> 00:08:46,020 [BAND PLAYS FANFARE] 220 00:08:46,060 --> 00:08:48,310 [APPLAUSE] 221 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,280 Holly, have you seen Douglas? 222 00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:02,000 He fell asleep when we were wrestling. 223 00:09:03,660 --> 00:09:05,920 Well, at least you weren't under him when it happened. 224 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:09,380 That was 6 of the most terrifying hours of my life. 225 00:09:13,170 --> 00:09:16,090 Spence, congratulations. You're my new best man. 226 00:09:16,130 --> 00:09:17,840 Now get up there and toast me, kid. 227 00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:19,720 I don't feel like it, Arthur. 228 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:21,430 I'm having a very rough night. 229 00:09:21,470 --> 00:09:24,480 I'm your father. I command you to toast me! 230 00:09:25,980 --> 00:09:29,730 I'll toast who I want when I want. 231 00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:31,730 You got that, Dad? 232 00:09:31,780 --> 00:09:34,030 This isn't over! 233 00:09:37,570 --> 00:09:39,910 Hey, uh, heh. 234 00:09:39,950 --> 00:09:41,620 Like the way you stood up to him there. 235 00:09:41,660 --> 00:09:43,080 Oh, thanks. Thanks. 236 00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:44,950 You know, kind of reminded me of the way 237 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:46,620 you stood up to our landlord 238 00:09:46,670 --> 00:09:47,710 about that roach problem. 239 00:09:47,750 --> 00:09:49,790 Oh. Well, the lease clearly states 240 00:09:49,830 --> 00:09:51,630 when there's more than a thousand, 241 00:09:51,670 --> 00:09:53,510 it's his responsibility. 242 00:09:53,550 --> 00:09:55,420 You see, I wouldn't have known that. 243 00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:57,800 Hey, did you see America's Next Top Modelthis week? 244 00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:01,300 Yes! Can you believe it came down to Marquesa and Lisi? 245 00:10:01,350 --> 00:10:03,390 I know! I mean, it's so obvious 246 00:10:03,430 --> 00:10:04,430 who's gonna win this thing. 247 00:10:04,470 --> 00:10:06,060 -Duh. Marquesa. -Marquesa. 248 00:10:06,100 --> 00:10:08,400 Ha ha ha ha ha! 249 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:09,440 Marquesa. Eww. 250 00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:12,110 Lisi's way better for couture. 251 00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:15,440 [GROANS] 252 00:10:16,860 --> 00:10:18,110 Come on, Danny. Let's go home. 253 00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:19,610 I'm bored. 254 00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:22,240 All right. Why don't you, uh, go grab your jacket? 255 00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:24,700 -I'll be right with you. -Okay. 256 00:10:25,950 --> 00:10:27,120 Sorry about the whole Marquesa thing. 257 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,210 It's cool. It's cool. 258 00:10:30,540 --> 00:10:33,000 Well, I guess she's waitin' for me. 259 00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:34,300 Better take off. 260 00:10:34,340 --> 00:10:37,050 Yeah. See you at the allergist's. 261 00:10:38,010 --> 00:10:40,140 I don't even know you that well. 262 00:10:40,180 --> 00:10:42,850 I'm a crusty curmudgeon with a heart of gold. 263 00:10:42,890 --> 00:10:44,720 Now go! 264 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:45,810 [PLAYS FANFARE] 265 00:10:45,850 --> 00:10:48,270 [APPLAUSE] 266 00:10:49,980 --> 00:10:54,190 Hi. Uh, I'll never forget the first time I met Arthur. 267 00:10:54,230 --> 00:10:57,110 I was, uh, sitting in the Heffernan living room, 268 00:10:57,150 --> 00:10:58,530 watching TV. 269 00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:00,200 Uh, Arthur came in, and when he saw me, 270 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:02,320 he begged me not to hurt him, then ran off 271 00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:04,620 to call the police. 272 00:11:04,660 --> 00:11:07,540 Ha ha ha ha ha! 273 00:11:07,580 --> 00:11:08,830 Hoo! 274 00:11:08,870 --> 00:11:11,120 And, hello, remember that time your appendix burst 275 00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:13,210 and he wouldn't leave work early? 276 00:11:13,250 --> 00:11:17,300 He did leave work early-- to go to the rodeo. 277 00:11:18,590 --> 00:11:19,880 That's it. 278 00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:21,050 I just--I think you'll feel better 279 00:11:21,090 --> 00:11:22,510 if you have a little something to eat. 280 00:11:22,550 --> 00:11:24,350 I'll get you my husband's prime rib. 281 00:11:24,390 --> 00:11:27,180 Oh. Thank you, Spence. 282 00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:33,100 You know, you really had me goin' out there, Doug. 283 00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:34,400 "I took a leap of faith for you. 284 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:35,650 You didn't take a leap of faith for me." 285 00:11:35,690 --> 00:11:37,230 Do you know how many times in our marriage 286 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:39,320 you have screwed me over to do what you wanted to do? 287 00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:42,110 Aw, here we go with the rodeo again. 288 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,490 It comes to town once a year! 289 00:11:45,620 --> 00:11:47,910 It wasn't just that, Doug. It was many other things, 290 00:11:47,950 --> 00:11:49,410 and I forgave you for everything, 291 00:11:49,450 --> 00:11:51,290 so you damn well better forgive me for this. 292 00:11:51,330 --> 00:11:52,960 You don't tell me what I better 293 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:54,790 damn well better do. 294 00:11:54,830 --> 00:11:56,340 Okay, you know what? 295 00:11:56,380 --> 00:11:57,590 Do whatever you wanna do, but let me tell you something. 296 00:11:57,630 --> 00:11:59,840 I love this baby, and I want her, 297 00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:01,300 and I am gonna get her for myself. 298 00:12:01,340 --> 00:12:02,760 Oh, no. No, no, 299 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:04,680 no, 'cause I wanted a baby first, okay? 300 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:06,100 So if anybody's gonna get the baby, 301 00:12:06,140 --> 00:12:07,140 it's gonna be me. 302 00:12:07,180 --> 00:12:08,600 Oh, you really think so, Butch? 303 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:11,100 Well, I'm on my way to China right now to get her. 304 00:12:11,140 --> 00:12:14,560 Yeah? Not if I get there first. 305 00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:18,650 I'm gonna get there first. 306 00:12:18,690 --> 00:12:20,190 Whoa. 307 00:12:28,700 --> 00:12:30,620 And then there was the time Arthur thought 308 00:12:30,660 --> 00:12:32,790 I was Eddie Murphy. 309 00:12:32,830 --> 00:12:34,040 Hey, we gotta go. 310 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:35,210 Go. Go where? 311 00:12:35,250 --> 00:12:36,540 To China to get my baby. Come on. 312 00:12:36,580 --> 00:12:38,130 Actually, you can just drop me at the airport 313 00:12:38,170 --> 00:12:39,500 if you don't wanna come with. 314 00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:40,760 Uh, sure. 315 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:42,970 Let's all toast Arthur Spooner, a great guy 316 00:12:43,010 --> 00:12:45,220 who's a little racist. 317 00:12:47,470 --> 00:12:49,390 Doug, should I move in after you get back from China or-- 318 00:12:49,430 --> 00:12:53,270 Hey, Holly! Glad to see you could make it. 319 00:12:55,100 --> 00:12:56,560 Well, I guess I'm back out 320 00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,310 on the street. 321 00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:01,990 Well, seeing as you and I are in the same situation, 322 00:13:02,030 --> 00:13:04,110 do you wanna get a place together? 323 00:13:04,150 --> 00:13:05,530 Really? You mean it? 324 00:13:05,570 --> 00:13:09,950 Oh, of course. I--I would like nothing better than... 325 00:13:11,370 --> 00:13:12,830 You forget something? 326 00:13:12,870 --> 00:13:14,910 Yeah. 327 00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:17,500 I forgot my roommate. 328 00:13:19,590 --> 00:13:21,420 W-wait. You and I we're gonna-- 329 00:13:21,460 --> 00:13:23,800 Yeah, that's not gonna work out. 330 00:13:36,690 --> 00:13:39,810 Well, you know, if things work out between us, 331 00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:41,070 you'll have to convert. 332 00:13:41,110 --> 00:13:43,280 Of course I will. 333 00:13:44,110 --> 00:13:45,570 To what? 334 00:13:55,750 --> 00:13:57,040 I'll just get my passport, 335 00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:58,750 and then we'll get the hell out of here. 336 00:13:58,790 --> 00:14:00,420 Doug, you've never been out of America. 337 00:14:00,460 --> 00:14:01,750 Why do you even have a passport? 338 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:05,010 I heard they still had the McRib in Canada. 339 00:14:06,590 --> 00:14:10,100 Oh, hey. Off to China. Don't wait up. 340 00:14:10,140 --> 00:14:11,640 Hey! Did you take my passport? 341 00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:13,720 Oh, no, babe, it's still here... 342 00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:15,890 somewhere. 343 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:30,160 Hello. 344 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:32,780 You found it? 345 00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:34,540 Gotta admit, the vegetable crisper 346 00:14:34,580 --> 00:14:37,120 was an inspired choice. 347 00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:39,040 But you've never gone in there throughout your whole life. 348 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:41,630 You didn't even know it exists. 349 00:14:41,670 --> 00:14:44,380 But Deacon does. 350 00:14:44,420 --> 00:14:46,510 His BLT was delicious. 351 00:14:46,550 --> 00:14:49,130 As is my revenge. 352 00:15:06,860 --> 00:15:09,450 -Doug. -Hmm? 353 00:15:09,490 --> 00:15:11,110 Doug. 354 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:13,410 [GROANS] 355 00:15:13,450 --> 00:15:16,330 Oh, God. 356 00:15:16,370 --> 00:15:17,450 What? 357 00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:19,540 So what's our endgame here? 358 00:15:19,580 --> 00:15:20,830 What are we gonna do when we land? 359 00:15:20,870 --> 00:15:22,710 We gonna race through the streets of Beijing 360 00:15:22,750 --> 00:15:25,170 to the adoption agency? 361 00:15:25,210 --> 00:15:26,840 I don't know. 362 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:30,470 Because if we have to take rickshaws, you'll lose. 363 00:15:33,390 --> 00:15:35,390 Not if it's downhill. 364 00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:40,270 What happened here? 365 00:15:40,310 --> 00:15:41,770 I don't know. 366 00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:46,190 You know, when my, uh... 367 00:15:46,230 --> 00:15:50,110 when my mom died when I was a kid, 368 00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:53,200 it felt like I was nothing, you know, like I had no life. 369 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:58,200 My dad did his best to be a good parent, but... 370 00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:00,710 who we kiddin'? 371 00:16:00,750 --> 00:16:04,080 Anyway, on--on Sundays, he used to take me 372 00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:06,590 to this park on Vernon Boulevard, 373 00:16:06,630 --> 00:16:08,840 right on the East River, 374 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:12,300 where you could look across and see Manhattan. 375 00:16:12,340 --> 00:16:14,890 And while he was, uh, off 376 00:16:14,930 --> 00:16:19,060 handing out leaflets or chasing squirrels, 377 00:16:19,100 --> 00:16:20,560 I would just stand at the railing, 378 00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:22,060 and I would look 379 00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:24,400 at the beautiful apartment buildings 380 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:28,400 across the river, and I-- I would imagine this great life 381 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:30,490 that I might have someday actually living 382 00:16:30,530 --> 00:16:33,030 in one of them, you know, 383 00:16:33,070 --> 00:16:35,240 with a great job as a fashion designer 384 00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:36,570 for Sergio Valente 385 00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:41,370 or goin' to Studio 54 every night. 386 00:16:41,410 --> 00:16:42,960 God, I'm old. 387 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:47,090 But then I grew up, and reality set in, 388 00:16:47,130 --> 00:16:50,460 and the dream got put away. 389 00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:52,590 And then I met you, 390 00:16:52,630 --> 00:16:55,760 and I was-- 391 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:59,010 I was happy in a whole... 392 00:16:59,060 --> 00:17:03,480 new way I just-- I never imagined. 393 00:17:06,020 --> 00:17:08,980 I mean, I was... 394 00:17:10,110 --> 00:17:11,990 In that apartment-- I mean, I guess just dreams 395 00:17:12,030 --> 00:17:15,070 stick with you, because... 396 00:17:15,110 --> 00:17:20,700 I just--I felt like Carrie again, you know, 397 00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:23,460 little Carrie, finally having the thing 398 00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:27,040 she wanted back then, and... 399 00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:30,420 at the moment I should have given it up, I-- 400 00:17:30,460 --> 00:17:34,010 I couldn't, you know, because it was like... 401 00:17:34,050 --> 00:17:35,970 I was taking something away from her. 402 00:17:36,010 --> 00:17:38,390 You know, does that make any sense, Doug? 403 00:17:38,430 --> 00:17:40,220 Yeah. 404 00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:44,390 It's funny to hear you say that, 405 00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:45,810 'cause all these years, 406 00:17:45,850 --> 00:17:49,810 even when things were good with us, 407 00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:53,900 I just still sensed there was something... 408 00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:55,990 pulling you away from me, 409 00:17:56,030 --> 00:17:59,490 you know, like this little voice inside saying, 410 00:17:59,530 --> 00:18:01,490 "Wanna be in Manhattan. 411 00:18:01,530 --> 00:18:03,410 I wanna be in Manhattan." 412 00:18:04,790 --> 00:18:07,460 Plus, you said it out loud a lot. 413 00:18:10,380 --> 00:18:11,920 I di--I did. 414 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:14,920 I did hear that voice every day. 415 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:18,640 And now I just hear her, her voice saying... 416 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:22,560 whatever Chinese babies say, and-- 417 00:18:27,060 --> 00:18:29,730 And I want her. 418 00:18:29,770 --> 00:18:32,820 And I--I want you. 419 00:18:32,860 --> 00:18:35,780 And I--I wish that we could just put this all 420 00:18:35,820 --> 00:18:36,950 behind us, you know, 421 00:18:36,990 --> 00:18:40,570 and just be a family. 422 00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:45,500 I love you, Carrie. 423 00:18:45,540 --> 00:18:47,910 I love you, too. 424 00:18:51,580 --> 00:18:53,380 Oh, God. 425 00:18:53,420 --> 00:18:57,050 No, he's gotta get up. He's gotta get up. 426 00:19:03,430 --> 00:19:06,850 DOUG: Hi, Ming Mei. 427 00:19:06,890 --> 00:19:09,100 Ming Mei Heffernan. 428 00:19:09,140 --> 00:19:10,150 You know what? 429 00:19:10,190 --> 00:19:12,440 It works. 430 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,230 Come on, honey. We gotta go to the airport. 431 00:19:14,270 --> 00:19:15,650 CARRIE: Just a second. 432 00:19:15,690 --> 00:19:19,240 Mommy and I are gonna take you back home to Queens. 433 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:21,160 You're gonna love Queens. 434 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:23,030 Queens has got the New York Mets. 435 00:19:23,070 --> 00:19:24,700 It's got-- 436 00:19:24,740 --> 00:19:27,370 well, not a lot else, actually. 437 00:19:27,410 --> 00:19:30,120 Used to have Pastrami King but they shut that down. 438 00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:31,670 Now, it's a bookstore. 439 00:19:31,710 --> 00:19:35,050 To tell you, the world is a crazy place. 440 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:39,090 Ooh. She smiled at me. 441 00:19:39,130 --> 00:19:40,680 Either that, or she's poopin'. 442 00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:43,390 Or maybe both. Maybe she just really enjoys-- 443 00:19:43,430 --> 00:19:45,350 I'm pregnant. 444 00:19:45,390 --> 00:19:47,600 Pooping. 445 00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:48,810 What? 446 00:19:48,850 --> 00:19:50,560 Yeah. I haven't felt well since we landed, 447 00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:52,520 and I bought a pregnancy test 448 00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:54,190 in the drug store in the lobby, 449 00:19:54,230 --> 00:19:57,780 and we're gonna have a baby. 450 00:19:58,820 --> 00:20:01,070 Well, what do we do with this one? 451 00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:03,620 I don't know. 452 00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:05,620 I think I'm having an anxiety attack. 453 00:20:05,660 --> 00:20:07,910 C-calm down. A-are you sure? 454 00:20:07,950 --> 00:20:10,460 Yes, I am sure. 455 00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:12,000 I mean, look. 456 00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:14,960 Wh-what means pregnant, the monkey or the dragon? 457 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,340 That's just decorative. 458 00:20:16,380 --> 00:20:17,750 Look, it came out blue. That means I'm pregnant. 459 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,670 It must have happened in the apartment that night. 460 00:20:19,710 --> 00:20:21,470 [GASPS] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 461 00:20:21,510 --> 00:20:22,800 I thought the doctor said you couldn't get pregnant. 462 00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:24,340 No, she said we probably couldn't. 463 00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:25,680 It happens all the time. 464 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:27,100 When couples don't think they can get pregnant, 465 00:20:27,140 --> 00:20:28,600 they stop trying, and then they adopt a baby 466 00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:30,520 and--[GASPS] Oh, God. 467 00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:31,940 Carrie, you have to calm down. 468 00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:33,600 I can't calm down, Doug. 469 00:20:33,650 --> 00:20:35,190 Yesterday I had no husband, no baby, 470 00:20:35,230 --> 00:20:37,320 and today I have a husband and 2 babies, 471 00:20:37,360 --> 00:20:38,610 and I'm in China. 472 00:20:38,650 --> 00:20:41,280 That's a lot of change for one day. 473 00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:43,320 What are we gonna do? 474 00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:45,570 I-I'll tell you what we're gonna do. 475 00:20:45,620 --> 00:20:47,490 We're gonna fly home today, 476 00:20:47,530 --> 00:20:50,250 and we're gonna start our new life as parents 477 00:20:50,290 --> 00:20:54,830 of 2 beautiful, wonderful children... 478 00:20:54,870 --> 00:20:57,630 with very different-shaped eyes. 479 00:20:58,750 --> 00:21:00,920 Everything's gonna be fine. 480 00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,300 T-trust me. 481 00:21:03,340 --> 00:21:05,760 Everything's gonna be fine. 482 00:21:06,930 --> 00:21:09,680 [**] 483 00:21:11,220 --> 00:21:12,140 [BABY CRYING] 484 00:21:12,180 --> 00:21:13,310 Ming Mei. Ming Mei. 485 00:21:13,350 --> 00:21:14,730 -It's okay. -DOUG: Ohh! 486 00:21:14,770 --> 00:21:16,060 It's all right, baby. Calm down. 487 00:21:16,100 --> 00:21:17,230 It's all right, baby. 488 00:21:17,270 --> 00:21:19,020 All right. 489 00:21:19,070 --> 00:21:20,030 Try not-- 490 00:21:20,070 --> 00:21:22,360 There you go. Good girl. 491 00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:24,490 It didn't work out. 492 00:21:24,530 --> 00:21:26,950 [BABY CRYING] 493 00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:32,660 [**] 34264

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