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1
00:00:02,540 --> 00:00:05,210
[**]
2
00:00:05,250 --> 00:00:07,170
Just for the record,
you're not putting
that ridiculous
3
00:00:07,210 --> 00:00:09,000
air freshener
in our car.
4
00:00:09,050 --> 00:00:11,130
Mm. Sounds like
someone wishes
5
00:00:11,170 --> 00:00:13,340
they were half-naked
and smelled like vanilla.
6
00:00:14,550 --> 00:00:16,050
Oh, great.
They're doing the hubcaps.
7
00:00:16,090 --> 00:00:18,430
Now I gotta give the guy
an extra dollar.
8
00:00:20,180 --> 00:00:21,850
Hey, who do you think's
driving the, uh--
9
00:00:21,890 --> 00:00:23,940
the silver Toyota?
10
00:00:23,980 --> 00:00:25,230
What?
11
00:00:25,270 --> 00:00:26,310
You know, the one
with the license plate
12
00:00:26,350 --> 00:00:28,730
-that says "SEXY 4 U".
-Um...
13
00:00:28,770 --> 00:00:32,190
I don't know, I'm gonna go with
the streetwalker over there.
14
00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:34,650
Could be...could be.
15
00:00:34,700 --> 00:00:37,370
I'm gonna say something
a little unorthodox.
16
00:00:37,410 --> 00:00:39,490
And go with the Chinese couple
right there.
17
00:00:40,700 --> 00:00:43,370
What?
You're crazy.
18
00:00:43,410 --> 00:00:45,540
Wanna make it interesting?
19
00:00:45,580 --> 00:00:47,380
All right.
10 bucks.
20
00:00:47,420 --> 00:00:48,920
Okay. What kinda odds
you gonna give me?
21
00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:50,210
Odds?
22
00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:52,510
I'm taking
the Chinese couple.
23
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:54,880
2-to-1.
24
00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:56,340
You're on.
25
00:00:56,380 --> 00:00:59,140
All right,
here we go.
26
00:01:01,100 --> 00:01:02,430
Damn it!
27
00:01:02,470 --> 00:01:04,640
I was gonna say
Mr. Spacely.
28
00:01:05,940 --> 00:01:08,060
All right, come on.
We're up.
29
00:01:08,100 --> 00:01:10,190
[GROANS]
30
00:01:12,650 --> 00:01:16,110
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
31
00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:20,490
* My eyes aregettin' weary*
32
00:01:20,530 --> 00:01:23,370
*My back is gettin' tight*
33
00:01:23,410 --> 00:01:25,210
*I'm sittin' herein traffic*
34
00:01:25,250 --> 00:01:28,000
*On the Queensboro Bridgetonight*
35
00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:32,380
*But I don't care,'cause all I want to do*
36
00:01:33,710 --> 00:01:37,590
*Is cash my check and driveright home to you*
37
00:01:39,470 --> 00:01:41,180
*'Cause, baby,all my life*
38
00:01:41,220 --> 00:01:45,430
*I will be drivin' hometo you*
39
00:01:57,650 --> 00:01:59,990
Yo. Is the tri-tip
done yet?
40
00:02:00,030 --> 00:02:01,870
Hey, man. Whoa, whoa!
You don't open a smoker
41
00:02:01,910 --> 00:02:03,580
while it's still smoking.
What are you,
42
00:02:03,620 --> 00:02:04,660
some kinda animal?
43
00:02:04,700 --> 00:02:05,950
You put it in, like,
Wednesday.
44
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,370
You sure
it's even working?
45
00:02:07,410 --> 00:02:08,580
Uh, I think I know
46
00:02:08,620 --> 00:02:09,830
if my smoker's working
or not, okay?
47
00:02:09,870 --> 00:02:13,590
Yeah, guy,
it's actually cold.
48
00:02:13,630 --> 00:02:15,090
Okay, you know what?
I hope you like cole slaw,
49
00:02:15,130 --> 00:02:17,220
'cause that's all
you're getting. Get outta here.
50
00:02:18,630 --> 00:02:22,050
[COUGHING]
51
00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:23,890
She's still a little raw,
52
00:02:23,930 --> 00:02:25,560
but it's coming along.
It's coming along.
53
00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:27,430
What are you drawing
there, sweetie?
54
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:30,400
Uncle Doug eating a carrot.
55
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:32,310
A carrot. Hmm.
56
00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:35,150
You have such a good
imagination.
57
00:02:36,940 --> 00:02:40,360
Come on, man. You're hitting
those Appletinis a little hard.
58
00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:41,870
This is a virgin Appletini.
59
00:02:41,910 --> 00:02:46,040
This is basically
a juice box in a glass.
60
00:02:48,370 --> 00:02:51,000
What's with the Hobbit?
61
00:02:52,290 --> 00:02:55,550
Ah, he lost his job
a couple of weeks ago.
62
00:02:55,590 --> 00:02:57,130
Aw, don't feel
too bad, son.
63
00:02:57,170 --> 00:02:59,380
You know how many jobs
I lost in my life?
64
00:02:59,420 --> 00:03:00,970
76.
65
00:03:01,010 --> 00:03:04,390
But working in the subway
is all I've ever known.
66
00:03:04,430 --> 00:03:06,470
Now I feel like...
I don't know,
67
00:03:06,510 --> 00:03:09,680
I--I have no purpose
in life.
68
00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:12,350
Hard to argue with that.
69
00:03:14,690 --> 00:03:16,070
Honey,
is the food almost ready?
70
00:03:16,110 --> 00:03:18,400
-Everybody's starving.
-Yeah. It's coming, okay?
71
00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:20,900
You know, we have a perfectly
good barbecue right there.
72
00:03:20,950 --> 00:03:23,530
Okay, you wanna
check the attitude?
73
00:03:23,570 --> 00:03:25,120
'Cause I don't know
if you know this,
74
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,120
but smoked meat is a privilege.
It's not a right, okay?
75
00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:28,870
You wanna lose
that privilege? Huh?
76
00:03:28,910 --> 00:03:31,040
Hey, anybody else here
got a problem with my smoker?
77
00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:31,960
Seriously...okay?
78
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:33,040
'Cause I don't wanna
hear it.
79
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,380
Good to see
everybody, though.
80
00:03:36,210 --> 00:03:38,590
-Hey, honey.
-Hey, baby.
81
00:03:38,630 --> 00:03:40,760
-Uh, where's Kirby?
-What?
82
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:42,300
You were supposed to pick him up
at the rec center.
83
00:03:42,340 --> 00:03:44,050
No, didn't you get my message?
I said you had to get him
84
00:03:44,090 --> 00:03:45,850
'cause I was bringing
the ice cream,
85
00:03:45,890 --> 00:03:47,430
-I didn't want it to melt.
-I didn't check my voicemail.
86
00:03:47,470 --> 00:03:49,100
Then why do you have it
if you're not going to check it?
87
00:03:49,140 --> 00:03:50,520
You know, Kelly, ever since
you started working--
88
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:51,770
Oh, don't you even
start with me--
89
00:03:51,810 --> 00:03:53,560
Guys, guys, guys...
90
00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,610
I'll go pick up Kirby,
okay?
91
00:03:55,650 --> 00:03:56,980
Oh, Spence,
you don't have to do that.
92
00:03:57,020 --> 00:03:59,940
No, seriously.
I'd be happy to.
93
00:03:59,980 --> 00:04:03,320
Give me a reason
not to put a bullet in my head.
94
00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:06,240
Thanks, man. Come on.
95
00:04:11,410 --> 00:04:13,580
I made this for you,
Arthur.
96
00:04:13,620 --> 00:04:16,630
Oh, what a thoughtful
young man.
97
00:04:16,670 --> 00:04:17,790
What is this supposed to be?
98
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,380
Some kind of monster?
99
00:04:19,420 --> 00:04:21,090
No, it's you.
100
00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:26,930
Don't quit your day job,
Picasso!
101
00:04:31,060 --> 00:04:34,850
Aw, there's my handsome
son-in-law.
102
00:04:34,890 --> 00:04:36,770
I'm not lending you
any money, Arthur.
103
00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:39,480
For your information,
I'm not asking for a loan.
104
00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:42,990
This would be
an outright gift.
105
00:04:43,030 --> 00:04:45,360
Wha--what are you
talking about?
106
00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:47,990
I want braces.
107
00:04:50,410 --> 00:04:52,700
You mean...for your legs?
108
00:04:53,620 --> 00:04:54,870
No, my teeth.
109
00:04:54,910 --> 00:04:57,880
Major's picture of me
was a wake-up call.
110
00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,170
Arthur, this looks
nothing like you.
111
00:05:00,210 --> 00:05:02,760
Except for maybe
the monkey hands.
112
00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:04,420
Oh, please.
All my life
113
00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:06,840
I've been ashamed of my teeth.
It's what's held me back.
114
00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:09,050
Yeah, it was the teeth,
not the violent outbursts.
115
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:10,350
Yeah.
116
00:05:10,390 --> 00:05:11,810
My orthodontist said
117
00:05:11,850 --> 00:05:13,810
I would only have to wear
the braces 2 to 3 years,
118
00:05:13,850 --> 00:05:15,060
and then I'll be a new man.
119
00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:17,020
I'd finally be able
to approach a woman
120
00:05:17,060 --> 00:05:21,020
without coquettishly
waving a fan over my mouth.
121
00:05:21,070 --> 00:05:23,110
Arthur, your teeth
are fine.
122
00:05:23,150 --> 00:05:25,950
Douglas, your deep
affection for me
123
00:05:25,990 --> 00:05:27,990
has blinded you
to the truth.
124
00:05:29,070 --> 00:05:33,040
Look at these
"before" pictures.
125
00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:35,540
This is an extreme close-up
of my upper mouth.
126
00:05:35,580 --> 00:05:37,920
Oh, God,
put that away!
127
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:39,380
So what do you say?
128
00:05:39,420 --> 00:05:41,130
For only $3,200,
129
00:05:41,170 --> 00:05:44,300
I'll be able to get
a million dollar smile.
130
00:05:45,420 --> 00:05:46,720
$3,200, that's all?
131
00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:48,890
You know what, uh,
let me just peruse the brochure,
132
00:05:48,930 --> 00:05:50,390
you know, I'll crunch
some numbers together,
133
00:05:50,430 --> 00:05:51,720
and I'll, uh--
134
00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:53,560
I'll get back to you ASAP
all right?
135
00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:54,520
Thank you, Douglas.
136
00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:56,730
-Slap it high!
-Yo!
137
00:05:56,770 --> 00:06:00,230
[LAUGHING]
138
00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:07,450
-Hey, baby.
-Hi, honey.
139
00:06:08,450 --> 00:06:10,910
Wow. What smells
so good?
140
00:06:10,950 --> 00:06:12,910
Do not touch
this dish,
141
00:06:12,950 --> 00:06:14,620
it is extremely hot.
142
00:06:14,660 --> 00:06:16,750
Oh, hey, Deac.
What are you drinking?
143
00:06:16,790 --> 00:06:19,370
Um...a beer?
144
00:06:19,420 --> 00:06:21,290
Coming right up.
145
00:06:22,380 --> 00:06:25,760
Why--why is my friend
here wearing an apron?
146
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:27,590
We agreed we needed
some help,
147
00:06:27,630 --> 00:06:29,970
so I hired Spence.
148
00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:33,720
So, Spence is now
our--our maid?
149
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:36,930
No, no. He's more
of a houseboy.
150
00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:39,770
He's a good cook,
he's great with the kids,
151
00:06:39,810 --> 00:06:41,600
and he was so
desperate, I got him
152
00:06:41,650 --> 00:06:44,150
for practically
nothing.
153
00:06:44,900 --> 00:06:45,980
Here you go, big guy.
154
00:06:46,030 --> 00:06:47,400
Uh, thanks, man.
155
00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,900
Frosted glass.
156
00:06:49,950 --> 00:06:51,070
Nice touch.
157
00:06:51,110 --> 00:06:53,870
I know that's
how you liked it.
158
00:06:55,830 --> 00:06:58,500
I...got myself a house boy.
159
00:06:59,790 --> 00:07:00,960
[GROANS]
160
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:04,000
If only my grandpa
were alive to see this.
161
00:07:06,050 --> 00:07:07,710
-Sit...sit.
-[DOG BARKING IN VIDEO GAME]
162
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:10,050
Sit. Sit-sit. Sit. Sit.
163
00:07:10,090 --> 00:07:11,890
Okay, what are you
doing?
164
00:07:11,930 --> 00:07:14,850
Just training
my virtual dog.
165
00:07:15,890 --> 00:07:18,980
Sit. Sit. Si--
Hey, don't you growl at me.
166
00:07:19,020 --> 00:07:21,230
Honey, I gotta talk to you
for a second, okay?
167
00:07:21,270 --> 00:07:23,440
One second, let me just hit him
with a virtual newspaper here.
168
00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:24,400
Come on! Bad--
169
00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:25,650
-[DOG YELPS]
-Ooh, killed him.
170
00:07:25,690 --> 00:07:27,480
Okay, what's up?
171
00:07:27,530 --> 00:07:30,650
Uh, you know my dad
talked to me about the braces.
172
00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:31,950
[CHUCKLING] Braces.
173
00:07:31,990 --> 00:07:33,030
I gotta say, one thing
about your father
174
00:07:33,070 --> 00:07:34,490
is he's never boring.
175
00:07:34,530 --> 00:07:37,490
Actually, he's always boring,
but that was funny.
176
00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:40,120
Actually, I--I
kinda told him
177
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,790
that he can get 'em.
178
00:07:41,830 --> 00:07:45,250
What? Car--are you crazy?
179
00:07:45,290 --> 00:07:46,670
What, Doug?
What am I supposed to say?
180
00:07:46,710 --> 00:07:48,920
-He really wanted them.
-He wants a lot of things!
181
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:50,170
He wants a helicopter,
182
00:07:50,220 --> 00:07:52,430
he wants me to bankroll
his muffin shop.
183
00:07:52,470 --> 00:07:55,180
Come on, now.
You can say no, you know.
184
00:07:55,220 --> 00:07:57,060
That's how you keep
from spoiling him.
185
00:07:57,100 --> 00:07:58,010
-Jeez.
-Look, Doug,
186
00:07:58,060 --> 00:07:59,310
I know it's
expensive,
187
00:07:59,350 --> 00:08:01,180
okay, but I think
it'll really help
188
00:08:01,230 --> 00:08:03,690
his self-esteem
down the road.
189
00:08:03,730 --> 00:08:06,270
Down the road?
190
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:09,820
Car, I don't know
if you know this,
191
00:08:09,860 --> 00:08:13,070
but his exit's
coming up pretty quick.
192
00:08:13,110 --> 00:08:14,320
Okay, if I was him,
193
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:16,370
I'd get into the right
lane about now.
194
00:08:16,410 --> 00:08:18,700
Okay, you're right.
It is ridiculous,
195
00:08:18,740 --> 00:08:20,500
but he's my father.
How am I supposed to tell him
196
00:08:20,540 --> 00:08:22,660
-it's too late to get braces?
-Easy, you just say,
197
00:08:22,710 --> 00:08:24,420
"Look, we're not getting you
braces for the same reason
198
00:08:24,460 --> 00:08:26,500
we don't get you the big bottle
of shampoo at Costco.
199
00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:30,090
Because time's not exactly
on your side."
200
00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:33,550
There's the guy.
201
00:08:33,590 --> 00:08:34,970
Dad, he didn't mean--
202
00:08:35,010 --> 00:08:36,970
No, no.
He's absolutely right.
203
00:08:37,010 --> 00:08:38,970
For a second there
I thought I had a future.
204
00:08:39,010 --> 00:08:41,890
Thank you, Douglas,
for setting straight
205
00:08:41,930 --> 00:08:43,890
a foolish old man.
206
00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:46,270
No problem.
207
00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:54,360
So what do you think?
208
00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:04,620
*Don't stand too close*
209
00:09:04,660 --> 00:09:07,500
*To the edgeof the platform*
210
00:09:07,540 --> 00:09:09,880
*The train is comin'*
211
00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:12,210
*It won't be long*
212
00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:14,510
*Keep your valuables*
213
00:09:14,550 --> 00:09:16,800
*On your person*
214
00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:21,970
*That's the subwaysafety song*
215
00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,430
*Don't stand too close--*
216
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:27,150
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
217
00:09:27,190 --> 00:09:29,400
[SOFTLY]
Hello? Yeah--
218
00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,400
Danny, I told you
not to call me here
219
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:32,860
when I'm working.
220
00:09:32,900 --> 00:09:34,900
Yeah, well--
I'm not jumping
down your throat,
221
00:09:34,940 --> 00:09:37,360
I'm just asking
for a little consideration.
222
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:38,870
All right--no.
You know? We--
223
00:09:38,910 --> 00:09:41,030
We will talk--we will talk
about this later.
224
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,290
All right? Good-bye!
225
00:09:42,330 --> 00:09:44,000
Was that your wife?
226
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:46,410
[SIGHS]
No, just...
227
00:09:46,460 --> 00:09:49,670
the most exasperating
man in the world.
228
00:09:50,750 --> 00:09:52,460
Oh.
229
00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:54,460
Don't you guys worry,
okay?
230
00:09:54,510 --> 00:09:57,930
I'm--I'm gonna be here
for a long time.
231
00:09:59,260 --> 00:10:02,890
[THEME FROMMR. BELVEDERE
BEGINS]
232
00:10:06,270 --> 00:10:08,060
*Streaks on the China*
233
00:10:08,100 --> 00:10:10,230
*Never mattered before*
234
00:10:10,270 --> 00:10:11,730
*Who cares?*
235
00:10:11,770 --> 00:10:13,440
*When you drop-kickedyour jacket*
236
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:15,900
*As you came throughthe door*
237
00:10:15,940 --> 00:10:17,530
*No one glared*
238
00:10:17,570 --> 00:10:20,450
*But sometimes thingsget turned around*
239
00:10:20,490 --> 00:10:24,240
*And no one's spared*
240
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:26,710
*All hands look out below*
241
00:10:26,750 --> 00:10:30,290
*There's a changein the status quo*
242
00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:32,420
*Gonna need all the help*
243
00:10:32,460 --> 00:10:35,630
*That we can get*
244
00:10:35,670 --> 00:10:38,430
*According toour new arrival*
245
00:10:38,470 --> 00:10:41,510
*Life is morethan mere survival*
246
00:10:41,550 --> 00:10:46,020
*We just might livethe good life yet*
247
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:01,780
Can I interest you
in some of my...
248
00:11:01,820 --> 00:11:04,030
huevos rancheros?
249
00:11:07,450 --> 00:11:09,500
I'm good.
250
00:11:09,540 --> 00:11:12,380
Stop staring at his mouth.
251
00:11:12,420 --> 00:11:15,590
I can't, Carrie.
It looks like he ate a bird.
252
00:11:17,340 --> 00:11:19,470
By the by, Douglas,
253
00:11:19,510 --> 00:11:21,260
could you float me
$50?
254
00:11:21,300 --> 00:11:23,680
I'll give you 20
to face the other direction.
255
00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:26,310
What do you need
the money for, Dad?
256
00:11:26,350 --> 00:11:27,640
For this
application.
257
00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:30,440
In the spirit of the new
and improved me,
258
00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:32,400
I've decided
to go back to school.
259
00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:34,480
Really?
260
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:36,480
The University of Texas?
261
00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:37,820
Okay, that's nice,
262
00:11:37,860 --> 00:11:39,490
but I'm pretty sure
you could take classes
263
00:11:39,530 --> 00:11:42,320
at Queensboro Community
College for free.
264
00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:43,820
Was Queensboro named
265
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:46,910
the number one party school
in America?
266
00:11:46,950 --> 00:11:48,410
I don't think so.
267
00:11:49,410 --> 00:11:50,870
Arthur, you just
got braces.
268
00:11:50,910 --> 00:11:53,670
I'm not paying for you
to go away to college, okay?
269
00:11:53,710 --> 00:11:54,630
Really?
270
00:11:54,670 --> 00:11:56,500
Is it because I'm too old
271
00:11:56,540 --> 00:11:59,840
to finish
a bottle of shampoo?
272
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:03,050
Why don't you try starting
a bottle of shampoo?
273
00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:05,470
Corn meal
works better
274
00:12:05,510 --> 00:12:06,810
-at half the price!
-CARRIE: All right.
275
00:12:06,850 --> 00:12:09,470
All right. Dad,
let me look this over, okay?
276
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:11,520
-I'll get back to you.
-Great. FYI,
277
00:12:11,560 --> 00:12:14,480
San Diego State
is my safety school.
278
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,570
Ha ha ha!
279
00:12:22,610 --> 00:12:24,030
Hey, check this out,
man.
280
00:12:24,070 --> 00:12:26,240
Spence made me
a Panini sandwich, and look.
281
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,870
He toasted my initials
into the bread.
282
00:12:28,910 --> 00:12:30,410
That's great.
283
00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:31,710
I'm glad things are working out
well for you.
284
00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:34,000
-What's your problem?
-Oh, I don't know.
285
00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:35,920
That I'm out almost 4 grand
and this weekend
286
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,500
I've got to take
an 80-year-old man
287
00:12:37,540 --> 00:12:39,750
-on a tour of Rutgers.
-You know what,
288
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:42,760
my houseboy sure knows
his way around a sandwich.
289
00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:45,430
You know, this is all
your kid's fault
290
00:12:45,470 --> 00:12:47,220
for drawing that stupid
picture of Arthur.
291
00:12:47,260 --> 00:12:50,430
Why can't he just eat
his crayons like I used to?
292
00:12:50,470 --> 00:12:52,930
Well, sorry
it didn't work out for you
293
00:12:52,980 --> 00:12:54,140
like it did for me.
294
00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:55,690
What are you talking
about?
295
00:12:55,730 --> 00:12:57,730
Well, a couple of months ago
he made a picture of Kelly.
296
00:12:57,770 --> 00:13:00,730
To draw her butt,
he traced a paint can.
297
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,070
She took one look at that
298
00:13:02,110 --> 00:13:05,280
and started hittin'
the treadmill in a big way.
299
00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:06,450
Really?
300
00:13:06,490 --> 00:13:08,990
God is good, bro.
301
00:13:09,030 --> 00:13:11,750
You think Major would draw
a picture of Carrie?
302
00:13:11,790 --> 00:13:13,750
What for?
She doesn't need to lose weight.
303
00:13:13,790 --> 00:13:16,620
Oh, I know, but there
are other improvements
304
00:13:16,670 --> 00:13:19,500
that, you know...
hmm?
305
00:13:23,010 --> 00:13:24,840
Even smaller.
You gotta make them smaller.
306
00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:26,380
But that's
how she looks.
307
00:13:26,430 --> 00:13:27,550
Okay, you know what,
give me this. Here.
308
00:13:27,590 --> 00:13:28,930
Okay?
There you go.
309
00:13:28,970 --> 00:13:31,310
Now, sign the bottom.
Sign it. Just sign it.
310
00:13:31,350 --> 00:13:32,680
I'm trying to have
a romantic dinner
311
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:34,020
for Deacon and Kelly.
312
00:13:34,060 --> 00:13:35,640
He should have been
in bed a half hour ago.
313
00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:37,440
Cool your jets,
Hazel.
314
00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:38,980
Okay.
315
00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:41,400
Ha ha!
316
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,490
Why does Carrie have
the body of a boy?
317
00:13:43,530 --> 00:13:45,570
I could ask you
the same thing.
318
00:13:45,610 --> 00:13:46,950
That smells good.
319
00:13:46,990 --> 00:13:48,620
Could you get me
a little of that to go?
320
00:13:48,660 --> 00:13:52,160
Uh, not until you
start paying me 5.50 an hour.
321
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:54,950
[MOUTHING]
5.50?
322
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,920
So, uh, how was
the bruschetta?
323
00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:00,290
-Oh, it's great. Mmm.
-Yummy.
324
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:01,670
Not too oily?
325
00:14:01,710 --> 00:14:04,460
Well,
maybe a little.
326
00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:06,470
Stupid!
327
00:14:06,510 --> 00:14:07,930
[DING]
328
00:14:07,970 --> 00:14:10,800
That's the Shrimp
Fra Diablo.
329
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:13,100
I will not make
the same mistake again.
330
00:14:13,140 --> 00:14:14,430
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
331
00:14:14,470 --> 00:14:16,020
You didn't have to
make him feel bad.
332
00:14:16,060 --> 00:14:18,100
Did you not hear me rave
about the stuffed mushrooms?
333
00:14:18,140 --> 00:14:21,020
-Come on.
-[KNOCK ON DOOR]
334
00:14:22,110 --> 00:14:23,900
Hey, Danny, we're kinda
in the middle of dinner.
335
00:14:23,940 --> 00:14:26,150
Yeah, this won't
take long.
336
00:14:28,070 --> 00:14:30,200
What are you doing here?
337
00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:31,410
You block my calls,
338
00:14:31,450 --> 00:14:32,620
my text messages bounce
back to me.
339
00:14:32,660 --> 00:14:33,990
What am I supposed
to do?
340
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:35,660
Well, you don't come
to where I work.
341
00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:37,120
The Palmers are trying
to have their dinner.
342
00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:39,460
Well, you know how I get
when my asthma acts up.
343
00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:40,830
Oh, yeah. I guess
that's my fault.
344
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,790
It is when you borrow
my vacuum cleaner
345
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,630
with the HEPA filter.
346
00:14:44,670 --> 00:14:45,880
Uh, Spence if you'd like
347
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:47,510
to take your 15-minute
dinner break right now--
348
00:14:47,550 --> 00:14:49,550
No, no. I will take
my dinner break
349
00:14:49,590 --> 00:14:52,140
when the dishes are done
and I've run your bath.
350
00:14:52,180 --> 00:14:53,810
What about my bath, huh?
351
00:14:53,850 --> 00:14:56,350
Oh. Oh, I see
what this is about.
352
00:14:56,390 --> 00:14:57,980
This isn't about me working.
353
00:14:58,020 --> 00:14:59,640
This is about me not waiting
on you hand and foot.
354
00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:02,020
No, it's about you not
doing your part at home.
355
00:15:02,060 --> 00:15:04,900
You haven't cooked me
a hot meal in over 2 weeks!
356
00:15:04,940 --> 00:15:06,030
Oh, I--I--
357
00:15:06,070 --> 00:15:08,360
Okay, fine.
You know what? Here.
358
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,110
Here's some shrimp,
359
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:11,660
some garlic bread,
360
00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:13,990
aged pepperino.
361
00:15:14,030 --> 00:15:15,330
Sit. Sit down.
362
00:15:15,370 --> 00:15:16,870
All right, you know
what, we're gonna go to bed.
363
00:15:16,910 --> 00:15:18,200
We got to get up
early, so--
364
00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:19,580
-Really tired.
-Fine.
365
00:15:19,620 --> 00:15:21,670
Oh. All right.
366
00:15:22,580 --> 00:15:26,210
Work my fingers
to the bone.
367
00:15:31,430 --> 00:15:32,890
Hmm.
368
00:15:32,930 --> 00:15:33,890
What?
369
00:15:33,930 --> 00:15:35,720
What do you want me
to say?
370
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,640
It's delicious.
371
00:15:39,810 --> 00:15:41,600
It's not too oily?
372
00:15:42,270 --> 00:15:44,440
Little, but...
373
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:46,780
you know that's how I like it.
374
00:15:59,950 --> 00:16:01,410
-Hey, babe.
-Hey.
375
00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:02,870
-How's it going?
-Good.
376
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:03,960
You know what some guy
377
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,040
said on the phone
to me today?
378
00:16:06,090 --> 00:16:08,420
"What country
are you from?"
379
00:16:08,460 --> 00:16:11,300
Do I not sound
American?
380
00:16:11,340 --> 00:16:13,680
That's crazy.
That's crazy.
381
00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:16,970
[SIGHS]
382
00:16:17,010 --> 00:16:19,270
Could you get me something
out of the fridge?
383
00:16:19,310 --> 00:16:21,180
What do you need,
honey?
384
00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:23,690
A...relish.
385
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:26,060
What for?
386
00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:28,070
I just forgot
what it smells like.
387
00:16:28,110 --> 00:16:29,730
I can't remember.
388
00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:31,990
Not for the life
of me, you know.
389
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:37,580
What's that?
390
00:16:37,620 --> 00:16:40,000
Oh, yeah.
Major felt bad that, uh,
391
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,830
he didn't draw you
at the barbecue,
392
00:16:41,870 --> 00:16:45,170
so...there you are.
393
00:16:47,290 --> 00:16:50,130
Well, enjoy your trip
down memory lane.
394
00:16:50,170 --> 00:16:51,880
Thank you.
395
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:54,800
So I say to the guy,
"If I don't sound American"--
396
00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:57,720
Man, he's got some
skills, too, doesn't he?
397
00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:00,180
Looks exactly like you.
398
00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:04,730
Exactly like me?
I look like a little boy.
399
00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:06,770
Oh, my God.
I just...
400
00:17:06,810 --> 00:17:08,310
totally put my foot
in my mouth.
401
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:10,070
I'm sorry.
402
00:17:10,110 --> 00:17:11,740
What are you talking about?
403
00:17:11,780 --> 00:17:13,240
'Cause I just said it
looked exactly like you,
404
00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:15,200
and you said it looks
like a little boy.
405
00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:18,280
Which means you look
like a little boy.
406
00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:21,200
Whatever. I'm gonna go
take a shower.
407
00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:30,420
Carrie, I'm so sorry
about all this.
408
00:17:30,460 --> 00:17:31,880
About what?
409
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,010
[SIGHS] The picture
that Major drew of you.
410
00:17:34,050 --> 00:17:35,760
I see how upset you are.
You know, it's like
411
00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:38,470
he just doesn't care
who he hurts, this little guy.
412
00:17:38,510 --> 00:17:40,510
You know, I'm fine with it.
413
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:41,970
Hmm. No, you're not.
414
00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:43,680
But I'll tell you
what you are.
415
00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:46,060
You're brave.
416
00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:54,070
-Hmm.
-What--what is that for?
417
00:17:54,110 --> 00:17:57,110
I mean, like all the sudden
I'm like self-conscious.
418
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:57,950
Stupid, right?
419
00:17:57,990 --> 00:18:00,280
No, not at all.
I mean,
420
00:18:00,330 --> 00:18:02,450
your dad saw something wrong
with his picture
421
00:18:02,490 --> 00:18:03,700
and he did something
about it.
422
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:06,330
Hats off to him.
423
00:18:06,370 --> 00:18:07,870
There is something that...
424
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,330
Forget it.
Forget it.
425
00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:10,960
Oh, okay, yeah.
I'll just forget about it
426
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,420
and just let my girl
suffer in silence.
427
00:18:12,460 --> 00:18:14,880
Come here, baby.
Talk to me.
428
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:16,300
Okay, well...
429
00:18:16,340 --> 00:18:17,760
there is something
that I've always wanted
430
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:20,260
to change about my body.
431
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:22,560
Oh, my God, do you think
I should do something about it?
432
00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:25,180
Look, you know
I love you
433
00:18:25,230 --> 00:18:28,060
and think you're beautiful
just the way you are,
434
00:18:28,100 --> 00:18:30,730
but if you feel you want
something changed
435
00:18:30,770 --> 00:18:35,440
or...augmented,
436
00:18:35,490 --> 00:18:38,450
I just want you to know
I'm there for you.
437
00:18:38,490 --> 00:18:41,740
You know what,
I'm gonna do it.
438
00:18:41,780 --> 00:18:45,120
I'm gonna get
calf implants!
439
00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:48,920
Now, is calf
a brand name or...
440
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,460
No, no. I mean,
I looked into it once
441
00:18:51,500 --> 00:18:52,630
and they're pretty pricey,
442
00:18:52,670 --> 00:18:53,920
but I could finally
have the shape
443
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:55,550
that I've always wanted.
You know, my legs
444
00:18:55,590 --> 00:18:56,880
will really pop on the subway.
445
00:18:56,920 --> 00:18:58,760
-Honey, thank you!
-All right. Yeah.
446
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:00,590
-Oh!
-Yeah!
447
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:01,930
-Yeah!
-Okay.
448
00:19:01,970 --> 00:19:03,260
Ooh, I'm gonna Google
a doctor right now.
449
00:19:03,300 --> 00:19:05,430
Oh, you gotta do it
right away!
450
00:19:05,470 --> 00:19:07,560
-Get on it.
-Okay!
451
00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:17,650
Arthur, what are
you eating?
452
00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:19,320
Salt water taffy.
453
00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:21,780
But the dentist said
you're not supposed to eat
454
00:19:21,820 --> 00:19:23,950
-anything sticky.
-I don't care.
455
00:19:23,990 --> 00:19:25,700
But it'll wreck
your braces.
456
00:19:25,740 --> 00:19:28,080
Good. I hate them!
457
00:19:29,290 --> 00:19:30,460
What?
458
00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:33,210
They teased me
at the senior center today.
459
00:19:33,250 --> 00:19:36,250
"Metal mouth",
"brace face".
460
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:38,380
It was cruel
as they were clever.
461
00:19:38,420 --> 00:19:42,220
Well, these braces
are coming off right now!
462
00:19:43,010 --> 00:19:44,140
What? Are you kidding me?
463
00:19:44,180 --> 00:19:46,510
Hey, I spent $3,800
on your braces,
464
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,270
and I'm about to spend
a couple grand more
465
00:19:48,310 --> 00:19:51,190
on a part of Carrie's body
that I don't even look at!
466
00:19:52,020 --> 00:19:53,860
You put them down!
467
00:19:53,900 --> 00:19:55,820
My body, my choice.
468
00:19:55,860 --> 00:19:57,440
-Aah!
-Arthur!
469
00:19:57,480 --> 00:19:59,190
-Yeah, so can you give me...
-DOUG: Give them to me!
470
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,320
...like, Kelly Ripa's calves?
471
00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:03,160
-ARTHUR: No!
-[GLASS BREAKING]
472
00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:04,990
DOUG: Let go of my--
Ow! You bit me!
473
00:20:05,030 --> 00:20:08,040
ARTHUR: I hope
you have a tetanus shot!
474
00:20:09,700 --> 00:20:11,120
No, no,
everything's fine.
475
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:13,000
-That's--that's just the TV.
-DOUG: Ow!
476
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:16,000
Ahem. So how's Wednesday?
477
00:20:21,260 --> 00:20:23,220
*To the edgeof the platform*
478
00:20:23,260 --> 00:20:27,680
*The train is comin',it won't be long*
479
00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:32,390
*Keep your valuableson your person*
480
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:38,820
*That's the subwaysafety song*
481
00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:44,990
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
482
00:20:45,030 --> 00:20:47,490
*Don't stand too close*
483
00:20:47,530 --> 00:20:49,790
*To the edgeof the platform*
484
00:20:49,830 --> 00:20:54,790
*The train is comin',it won't be long*
485
00:20:54,830 --> 00:20:58,590
[**]
34673
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