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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,540 --> 00:00:05,210 [**] 2 00:00:05,250 --> 00:00:07,170 Just for the record, you're not putting that ridiculous 3 00:00:07,210 --> 00:00:09,000 air freshener in our car. 4 00:00:09,050 --> 00:00:11,130 Mm. Sounds like someone wishes 5 00:00:11,170 --> 00:00:13,340 they were half-naked and smelled like vanilla. 6 00:00:14,550 --> 00:00:16,050 Oh, great. They're doing the hubcaps. 7 00:00:16,090 --> 00:00:18,430 Now I gotta give the guy an extra dollar. 8 00:00:20,180 --> 00:00:21,850 Hey, who do you think's driving the, uh-- 9 00:00:21,890 --> 00:00:23,940 the silver Toyota? 10 00:00:23,980 --> 00:00:25,230 What? 11 00:00:25,270 --> 00:00:26,310 You know, the one with the license plate 12 00:00:26,350 --> 00:00:28,730 -that says "SEXY 4 U". -Um... 13 00:00:28,770 --> 00:00:32,190 I don't know, I'm gonna go with the streetwalker over there. 14 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:34,650 Could be...could be. 15 00:00:34,700 --> 00:00:37,370 I'm gonna say something a little unorthodox. 16 00:00:37,410 --> 00:00:39,490 And go with the Chinese couple right there. 17 00:00:40,700 --> 00:00:43,370 What? You're crazy. 18 00:00:43,410 --> 00:00:45,540 Wanna make it interesting? 19 00:00:45,580 --> 00:00:47,380 All right. 10 bucks. 20 00:00:47,420 --> 00:00:48,920 Okay. What kinda odds you gonna give me? 21 00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:50,210 Odds? 22 00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:52,510 I'm taking the Chinese couple. 23 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:54,880 2-to-1. 24 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:56,340 You're on. 25 00:00:56,380 --> 00:00:59,140 All right, here we go. 26 00:01:01,100 --> 00:01:02,430 Damn it! 27 00:01:02,470 --> 00:01:04,640 I was gonna say Mr. Spacely. 28 00:01:05,940 --> 00:01:08,060 All right, come on. We're up. 29 00:01:08,100 --> 00:01:10,190 [GROANS] 30 00:01:12,650 --> 00:01:16,110 [SPEAKING CHINESE] 31 00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:20,490 * My eyes are gettin' weary* 32 00:01:20,530 --> 00:01:23,370 *My back is gettin' tight* 33 00:01:23,410 --> 00:01:25,210 *I'm sittin' here in traffic* 34 00:01:25,250 --> 00:01:28,000 *On the Queensboro Bridge tonight* 35 00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:32,380 *But I don't care, 'cause all I want to do* 36 00:01:33,710 --> 00:01:37,590 *Is cash my check and drive right home to you* 37 00:01:39,470 --> 00:01:41,180 *'Cause, baby, all my life* 38 00:01:41,220 --> 00:01:45,430 *I will be drivin' home to you* 39 00:01:57,650 --> 00:01:59,990 Yo. Is the tri-tip done yet? 40 00:02:00,030 --> 00:02:01,870 Hey, man. Whoa, whoa! You don't open a smoker 41 00:02:01,910 --> 00:02:03,580 while it's still smoking. What are you, 42 00:02:03,620 --> 00:02:04,660 some kinda animal? 43 00:02:04,700 --> 00:02:05,950 You put it in, like, Wednesday. 44 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,370 You sure it's even working? 45 00:02:07,410 --> 00:02:08,580 Uh, I think I know 46 00:02:08,620 --> 00:02:09,830 if my smoker's working or not, okay? 47 00:02:09,870 --> 00:02:13,590 Yeah, guy, it's actually cold. 48 00:02:13,630 --> 00:02:15,090 Okay, you know what? I hope you like cole slaw, 49 00:02:15,130 --> 00:02:17,220 'cause that's all you're getting. Get outta here. 50 00:02:18,630 --> 00:02:22,050 [COUGHING] 51 00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:23,890 She's still a little raw, 52 00:02:23,930 --> 00:02:25,560 but it's coming along. It's coming along. 53 00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:27,430 What are you drawing there, sweetie? 54 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:30,400 Uncle Doug eating a carrot. 55 00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:32,310 A carrot. Hmm. 56 00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:35,150 You have such a good imagination. 57 00:02:36,940 --> 00:02:40,360 Come on, man. You're hitting those Appletinis a little hard. 58 00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:41,870 This is a virgin Appletini. 59 00:02:41,910 --> 00:02:46,040 This is basically a juice box in a glass. 60 00:02:48,370 --> 00:02:51,000 What's with the Hobbit? 61 00:02:52,290 --> 00:02:55,550 Ah, he lost his job a couple of weeks ago. 62 00:02:55,590 --> 00:02:57,130 Aw, don't feel too bad, son. 63 00:02:57,170 --> 00:02:59,380 You know how many jobs I lost in my life? 64 00:02:59,420 --> 00:03:00,970 76. 65 00:03:01,010 --> 00:03:04,390 But working in the subway is all I've ever known. 66 00:03:04,430 --> 00:03:06,470 Now I feel like... I don't know, 67 00:03:06,510 --> 00:03:09,680 I--I have no purpose in life. 68 00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:12,350 Hard to argue with that. 69 00:03:14,690 --> 00:03:16,070 Honey, is the food almost ready? 70 00:03:16,110 --> 00:03:18,400 -Everybody's starving. -Yeah. It's coming, okay? 71 00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:20,900 You know, we have a perfectly good barbecue right there. 72 00:03:20,950 --> 00:03:23,530 Okay, you wanna check the attitude? 73 00:03:23,570 --> 00:03:25,120 'Cause I don't know if you know this, 74 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,120 but smoked meat is a privilege. It's not a right, okay? 75 00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:28,870 You wanna lose that privilege? Huh? 76 00:03:28,910 --> 00:03:31,040 Hey, anybody else here got a problem with my smoker? 77 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:31,960 Seriously...okay? 78 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:33,040 'Cause I don't wanna hear it. 79 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,380 Good to see everybody, though. 80 00:03:36,210 --> 00:03:38,590 -Hey, honey. -Hey, baby. 81 00:03:38,630 --> 00:03:40,760 -Uh, where's Kirby? -What? 82 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:42,300 You were supposed to pick him up at the rec center. 83 00:03:42,340 --> 00:03:44,050 No, didn't you get my message? I said you had to get him 84 00:03:44,090 --> 00:03:45,850 'cause I was bringing the ice cream, 85 00:03:45,890 --> 00:03:47,430 -I didn't want it to melt. -I didn't check my voicemail. 86 00:03:47,470 --> 00:03:49,100 Then why do you have it if you're not going to check it? 87 00:03:49,140 --> 00:03:50,520 You know, Kelly, ever since you started working-- 88 00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:51,770 Oh, don't you even start with me-- 89 00:03:51,810 --> 00:03:53,560 Guys, guys, guys... 90 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,610 I'll go pick up Kirby, okay? 91 00:03:55,650 --> 00:03:56,980 Oh, Spence, you don't have to do that. 92 00:03:57,020 --> 00:03:59,940 No, seriously. I'd be happy to. 93 00:03:59,980 --> 00:04:03,320 Give me a reason not to put a bullet in my head. 94 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:06,240 Thanks, man. Come on. 95 00:04:11,410 --> 00:04:13,580 I made this for you, Arthur. 96 00:04:13,620 --> 00:04:16,630 Oh, what a thoughtful young man. 97 00:04:16,670 --> 00:04:17,790 What is this supposed to be? 98 00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,380 Some kind of monster? 99 00:04:19,420 --> 00:04:21,090 No, it's you. 100 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:26,930 Don't quit your day job, Picasso! 101 00:04:31,060 --> 00:04:34,850 Aw, there's my handsome son-in-law. 102 00:04:34,890 --> 00:04:36,770 I'm not lending you any money, Arthur. 103 00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:39,480 For your information, I'm not asking for a loan. 104 00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:42,990 This would be an outright gift. 105 00:04:43,030 --> 00:04:45,360 Wha--what are you talking about? 106 00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:47,990 I want braces. 107 00:04:50,410 --> 00:04:52,700 You mean...for your legs? 108 00:04:53,620 --> 00:04:54,870 No, my teeth. 109 00:04:54,910 --> 00:04:57,880 Major's picture of me was a wake-up call. 110 00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,170 Arthur, this looks nothing like you. 111 00:05:00,210 --> 00:05:02,760 Except for maybe the monkey hands. 112 00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:04,420 Oh, please. All my life 113 00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:06,840 I've been ashamed of my teeth. It's what's held me back. 114 00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:09,050 Yeah, it was the teeth, not the violent outbursts. 115 00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:10,350 Yeah. 116 00:05:10,390 --> 00:05:11,810 My orthodontist said 117 00:05:11,850 --> 00:05:13,810 I would only have to wear the braces 2 to 3 years, 118 00:05:13,850 --> 00:05:15,060 and then I'll be a new man. 119 00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:17,020 I'd finally be able to approach a woman 120 00:05:17,060 --> 00:05:21,020 without coquettishly waving a fan over my mouth. 121 00:05:21,070 --> 00:05:23,110 Arthur, your teeth are fine. 122 00:05:23,150 --> 00:05:25,950 Douglas, your deep affection for me 123 00:05:25,990 --> 00:05:27,990 has blinded you to the truth. 124 00:05:29,070 --> 00:05:33,040 Look at these "before" pictures. 125 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:35,540 This is an extreme close-up of my upper mouth. 126 00:05:35,580 --> 00:05:37,920 Oh, God, put that away! 127 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:39,380 So what do you say? 128 00:05:39,420 --> 00:05:41,130 For only $3,200, 129 00:05:41,170 --> 00:05:44,300 I'll be able to get a million dollar smile. 130 00:05:45,420 --> 00:05:46,720 $3,200, that's all? 131 00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:48,890 You know what, uh, let me just peruse the brochure, 132 00:05:48,930 --> 00:05:50,390 you know, I'll crunch some numbers together, 133 00:05:50,430 --> 00:05:51,720 and I'll, uh-- 134 00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:53,560 I'll get back to you ASAP all right? 135 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:54,520 Thank you, Douglas. 136 00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:56,730 -Slap it high! -Yo! 137 00:05:56,770 --> 00:06:00,230 [LAUGHING] 138 00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:07,450 -Hey, baby. -Hi, honey. 139 00:06:08,450 --> 00:06:10,910 Wow. What smells so good? 140 00:06:10,950 --> 00:06:12,910 Do not touch this dish, 141 00:06:12,950 --> 00:06:14,620 it is extremely hot. 142 00:06:14,660 --> 00:06:16,750 Oh, hey, Deac. What are you drinking? 143 00:06:16,790 --> 00:06:19,370 Um...a beer? 144 00:06:19,420 --> 00:06:21,290 Coming right up. 145 00:06:22,380 --> 00:06:25,760 Why--why is my friend here wearing an apron? 146 00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:27,590 We agreed we needed some help, 147 00:06:27,630 --> 00:06:29,970 so I hired Spence. 148 00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:33,720 So, Spence is now our--our maid? 149 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:36,930 No, no. He's more of a houseboy. 150 00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:39,770 He's a good cook, he's great with the kids, 151 00:06:39,810 --> 00:06:41,600 and he was so desperate, I got him 152 00:06:41,650 --> 00:06:44,150 for practically nothing. 153 00:06:44,900 --> 00:06:45,980 Here you go, big guy. 154 00:06:46,030 --> 00:06:47,400 Uh, thanks, man. 155 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,900 Frosted glass. 156 00:06:49,950 --> 00:06:51,070 Nice touch. 157 00:06:51,110 --> 00:06:53,870 I know that's how you liked it. 158 00:06:55,830 --> 00:06:58,500 I...got myself a house boy. 159 00:06:59,790 --> 00:07:00,960 [GROANS] 160 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:04,000 If only my grandpa were alive to see this. 161 00:07:06,050 --> 00:07:07,710 -Sit...sit. -[DOG BARKING IN VIDEO GAME] 162 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:10,050 Sit. Sit-sit. Sit. Sit. 163 00:07:10,090 --> 00:07:11,890 Okay, what are you doing? 164 00:07:11,930 --> 00:07:14,850 Just training my virtual dog. 165 00:07:15,890 --> 00:07:18,980 Sit. Sit. Si-- Hey, don't you growl at me. 166 00:07:19,020 --> 00:07:21,230 Honey, I gotta talk to you for a second, okay? 167 00:07:21,270 --> 00:07:23,440 One second, let me just hit him with a virtual newspaper here. 168 00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:24,400 Come on! Bad-- 169 00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:25,650 -[DOG YELPS] -Ooh, killed him. 170 00:07:25,690 --> 00:07:27,480 Okay, what's up? 171 00:07:27,530 --> 00:07:30,650 Uh, you know my dad talked to me about the braces. 172 00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:31,950 [CHUCKLING] Braces. 173 00:07:31,990 --> 00:07:33,030 I gotta say, one thing about your father 174 00:07:33,070 --> 00:07:34,490 is he's never boring. 175 00:07:34,530 --> 00:07:37,490 Actually, he's always boring, but that was funny. 176 00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:40,120 Actually, I--I kinda told him 177 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,790 that he can get 'em. 178 00:07:41,830 --> 00:07:45,250 What? Car--are you crazy? 179 00:07:45,290 --> 00:07:46,670 What, Doug? What am I supposed to say? 180 00:07:46,710 --> 00:07:48,920 -He really wanted them. -He wants a lot of things! 181 00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:50,170 He wants a helicopter, 182 00:07:50,220 --> 00:07:52,430 he wants me to bankroll his muffin shop. 183 00:07:52,470 --> 00:07:55,180 Come on, now. You can say no, you know. 184 00:07:55,220 --> 00:07:57,060 That's how you keep from spoiling him. 185 00:07:57,100 --> 00:07:58,010 -Jeez. -Look, Doug, 186 00:07:58,060 --> 00:07:59,310 I know it's expensive, 187 00:07:59,350 --> 00:08:01,180 okay, but I think it'll really help 188 00:08:01,230 --> 00:08:03,690 his self-esteem down the road. 189 00:08:03,730 --> 00:08:06,270 Down the road? 190 00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:09,820 Car, I don't know if you know this, 191 00:08:09,860 --> 00:08:13,070 but his exit's coming up pretty quick. 192 00:08:13,110 --> 00:08:14,320 Okay, if I was him, 193 00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:16,370 I'd get into the right lane about now. 194 00:08:16,410 --> 00:08:18,700 Okay, you're right. It is ridiculous, 195 00:08:18,740 --> 00:08:20,500 but he's my father. How am I supposed to tell him 196 00:08:20,540 --> 00:08:22,660 -it's too late to get braces? -Easy, you just say, 197 00:08:22,710 --> 00:08:24,420 "Look, we're not getting you braces for the same reason 198 00:08:24,460 --> 00:08:26,500 we don't get you the big bottle of shampoo at Costco. 199 00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:30,090 Because time's not exactly on your side." 200 00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:33,550 There's the guy. 201 00:08:33,590 --> 00:08:34,970 Dad, he didn't mean-- 202 00:08:35,010 --> 00:08:36,970 No, no. He's absolutely right. 203 00:08:37,010 --> 00:08:38,970 For a second there I thought I had a future. 204 00:08:39,010 --> 00:08:41,890 Thank you, Douglas, for setting straight 205 00:08:41,930 --> 00:08:43,890 a foolish old man. 206 00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:46,270 No problem. 207 00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:54,360 So what do you think? 208 00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:04,620 *Don't stand too close* 209 00:09:04,660 --> 00:09:07,500 *To the edge of the platform* 210 00:09:07,540 --> 00:09:09,880 *The train is comin'* 211 00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:12,210 *It won't be long* 212 00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:14,510 *Keep your valuables* 213 00:09:14,550 --> 00:09:16,800 *On your person* 214 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:21,970 *That's the subway safety song* 215 00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,430 *Don't stand too close--* 216 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:27,150 [CELL PHONE RINGS] 217 00:09:27,190 --> 00:09:29,400 [SOFTLY] Hello? Yeah-- 218 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,400 Danny, I told you not to call me here 219 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:32,860 when I'm working. 220 00:09:32,900 --> 00:09:34,900 Yeah, well-- I'm not jumping down your throat, 221 00:09:34,940 --> 00:09:37,360 I'm just asking for a little consideration. 222 00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:38,870 All right--no. You know? We-- 223 00:09:38,910 --> 00:09:41,030 We will talk--we will talk about this later. 224 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,290 All right? Good-bye! 225 00:09:42,330 --> 00:09:44,000 Was that your wife? 226 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:46,410 [SIGHS] No, just... 227 00:09:46,460 --> 00:09:49,670 the most exasperating man in the world. 228 00:09:50,750 --> 00:09:52,460 Oh. 229 00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:54,460 Don't you guys worry, okay? 230 00:09:54,510 --> 00:09:57,930 I'm--I'm gonna be here for a long time. 231 00:09:59,260 --> 00:10:02,890 [THEME FROMMR. BELVEDERE BEGINS] 232 00:10:06,270 --> 00:10:08,060 *Streaks on the China* 233 00:10:08,100 --> 00:10:10,230 *Never mattered before* 234 00:10:10,270 --> 00:10:11,730 *Who cares?* 235 00:10:11,770 --> 00:10:13,440 *When you drop-kicked your jacket* 236 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:15,900 *As you came through the door* 237 00:10:15,940 --> 00:10:17,530 *No one glared* 238 00:10:17,570 --> 00:10:20,450 *But sometimes things get turned around* 239 00:10:20,490 --> 00:10:24,240 *And no one's spared* 240 00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:26,710 *All hands look out below* 241 00:10:26,750 --> 00:10:30,290 *There's a change in the status quo* 242 00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:32,420 *Gonna need all the help* 243 00:10:32,460 --> 00:10:35,630 *That we can get* 244 00:10:35,670 --> 00:10:38,430 *According to our new arrival* 245 00:10:38,470 --> 00:10:41,510 *Life is more than mere survival* 246 00:10:41,550 --> 00:10:46,020 *We just might live the good life yet* 247 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:01,780 Can I interest you in some of my... 248 00:11:01,820 --> 00:11:04,030 huevos rancheros? 249 00:11:07,450 --> 00:11:09,500 I'm good. 250 00:11:09,540 --> 00:11:12,380 Stop staring at his mouth. 251 00:11:12,420 --> 00:11:15,590 I can't, Carrie. It looks like he ate a bird. 252 00:11:17,340 --> 00:11:19,470 By the by, Douglas, 253 00:11:19,510 --> 00:11:21,260 could you float me $50? 254 00:11:21,300 --> 00:11:23,680 I'll give you 20 to face the other direction. 255 00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:26,310 What do you need the money for, Dad? 256 00:11:26,350 --> 00:11:27,640 For this application. 257 00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:30,440 In the spirit of the new and improved me, 258 00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:32,400 I've decided to go back to school. 259 00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:34,480 Really? 260 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:36,480 The University of Texas? 261 00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:37,820 Okay, that's nice, 262 00:11:37,860 --> 00:11:39,490 but I'm pretty sure you could take classes 263 00:11:39,530 --> 00:11:42,320 at Queensboro Community College for free. 264 00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:43,820 Was Queensboro named 265 00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:46,910 the number one party school in America? 266 00:11:46,950 --> 00:11:48,410 I don't think so. 267 00:11:49,410 --> 00:11:50,870 Arthur, you just got braces. 268 00:11:50,910 --> 00:11:53,670 I'm not paying for you to go away to college, okay? 269 00:11:53,710 --> 00:11:54,630 Really? 270 00:11:54,670 --> 00:11:56,500 Is it because I'm too old 271 00:11:56,540 --> 00:11:59,840 to finish a bottle of shampoo? 272 00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:03,050 Why don't you try starting a bottle of shampoo? 273 00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:05,470 Corn meal works better 274 00:12:05,510 --> 00:12:06,810 -at half the price! -CARRIE: All right. 275 00:12:06,850 --> 00:12:09,470 All right. Dad, let me look this over, okay? 276 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:11,520 -I'll get back to you. -Great. FYI, 277 00:12:11,560 --> 00:12:14,480 San Diego State is my safety school. 278 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,570 Ha ha ha! 279 00:12:22,610 --> 00:12:24,030 Hey, check this out, man. 280 00:12:24,070 --> 00:12:26,240 Spence made me a Panini sandwich, and look. 281 00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,870 He toasted my initials into the bread. 282 00:12:28,910 --> 00:12:30,410 That's great. 283 00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:31,710 I'm glad things are working out well for you. 284 00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:34,000 -What's your problem? -Oh, I don't know. 285 00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:35,920 That I'm out almost 4 grand and this weekend 286 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,500 I've got to take an 80-year-old man 287 00:12:37,540 --> 00:12:39,750 -on a tour of Rutgers. -You know what, 288 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:42,760 my houseboy sure knows his way around a sandwich. 289 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:45,430 You know, this is all your kid's fault 290 00:12:45,470 --> 00:12:47,220 for drawing that stupid picture of Arthur. 291 00:12:47,260 --> 00:12:50,430 Why can't he just eat his crayons like I used to? 292 00:12:50,470 --> 00:12:52,930 Well, sorry it didn't work out for you 293 00:12:52,980 --> 00:12:54,140 like it did for me. 294 00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:55,690 What are you talking about? 295 00:12:55,730 --> 00:12:57,730 Well, a couple of months ago he made a picture of Kelly. 296 00:12:57,770 --> 00:13:00,730 To draw her butt, he traced a paint can. 297 00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,070 She took one look at that 298 00:13:02,110 --> 00:13:05,280 and started hittin' the treadmill in a big way. 299 00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:06,450 Really? 300 00:13:06,490 --> 00:13:08,990 God is good, bro. 301 00:13:09,030 --> 00:13:11,750 You think Major would draw a picture of Carrie? 302 00:13:11,790 --> 00:13:13,750 What for? She doesn't need to lose weight. 303 00:13:13,790 --> 00:13:16,620 Oh, I know, but there are other improvements 304 00:13:16,670 --> 00:13:19,500 that, you know... hmm? 305 00:13:23,010 --> 00:13:24,840 Even smaller. You gotta make them smaller. 306 00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:26,380 But that's how she looks. 307 00:13:26,430 --> 00:13:27,550 Okay, you know what, give me this. Here. 308 00:13:27,590 --> 00:13:28,930 Okay? There you go. 309 00:13:28,970 --> 00:13:31,310 Now, sign the bottom. Sign it. Just sign it. 310 00:13:31,350 --> 00:13:32,680 I'm trying to have a romantic dinner 311 00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:34,020 for Deacon and Kelly. 312 00:13:34,060 --> 00:13:35,640 He should have been in bed a half hour ago. 313 00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:37,440 Cool your jets, Hazel. 314 00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:38,980 Okay. 315 00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:41,400 Ha ha! 316 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,490 Why does Carrie have the body of a boy? 317 00:13:43,530 --> 00:13:45,570 I could ask you the same thing. 318 00:13:45,610 --> 00:13:46,950 That smells good. 319 00:13:46,990 --> 00:13:48,620 Could you get me a little of that to go? 320 00:13:48,660 --> 00:13:52,160 Uh, not until you start paying me 5.50 an hour. 321 00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:54,950 [MOUTHING] 5.50? 322 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,920 So, uh, how was the bruschetta? 323 00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:00,290 -Oh, it's great. Mmm. -Yummy. 324 00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:01,670 Not too oily? 325 00:14:01,710 --> 00:14:04,460 Well, maybe a little. 326 00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:06,470 Stupid! 327 00:14:06,510 --> 00:14:07,930 [DING] 328 00:14:07,970 --> 00:14:10,800 That's the Shrimp Fra Diablo. 329 00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:13,100 I will not make the same mistake again. 330 00:14:13,140 --> 00:14:14,430 [KNOCK ON DOOR] 331 00:14:14,470 --> 00:14:16,020 You didn't have to make him feel bad. 332 00:14:16,060 --> 00:14:18,100 Did you not hear me rave about the stuffed mushrooms? 333 00:14:18,140 --> 00:14:21,020 -Come on. -[KNOCK ON DOOR] 334 00:14:22,110 --> 00:14:23,900 Hey, Danny, we're kinda in the middle of dinner. 335 00:14:23,940 --> 00:14:26,150 Yeah, this won't take long. 336 00:14:28,070 --> 00:14:30,200 What are you doing here? 337 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:31,410 You block my calls, 338 00:14:31,450 --> 00:14:32,620 my text messages bounce back to me. 339 00:14:32,660 --> 00:14:33,990 What am I supposed to do? 340 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:35,660 Well, you don't come to where I work. 341 00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:37,120 The Palmers are trying to have their dinner. 342 00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:39,460 Well, you know how I get when my asthma acts up. 343 00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:40,830 Oh, yeah. I guess that's my fault. 344 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,790 It is when you borrow my vacuum cleaner 345 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,630 with the HEPA filter. 346 00:14:44,670 --> 00:14:45,880 Uh, Spence if you'd like 347 00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:47,510 to take your 15-minute dinner break right now-- 348 00:14:47,550 --> 00:14:49,550 No, no. I will take my dinner break 349 00:14:49,590 --> 00:14:52,140 when the dishes are done and I've run your bath. 350 00:14:52,180 --> 00:14:53,810 What about my bath, huh? 351 00:14:53,850 --> 00:14:56,350 Oh. Oh, I see what this is about. 352 00:14:56,390 --> 00:14:57,980 This isn't about me working. 353 00:14:58,020 --> 00:14:59,640 This is about me not waiting on you hand and foot. 354 00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:02,020 No, it's about you not doing your part at home. 355 00:15:02,060 --> 00:15:04,900 You haven't cooked me a hot meal in over 2 weeks! 356 00:15:04,940 --> 00:15:06,030 Oh, I--I-- 357 00:15:06,070 --> 00:15:08,360 Okay, fine. You know what? Here. 358 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,110 Here's some shrimp, 359 00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:11,660 some garlic bread, 360 00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:13,990 aged pepperino. 361 00:15:14,030 --> 00:15:15,330 Sit. Sit down. 362 00:15:15,370 --> 00:15:16,870 All right, you know what, we're gonna go to bed. 363 00:15:16,910 --> 00:15:18,200 We got to get up early, so-- 364 00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:19,580 -Really tired. -Fine. 365 00:15:19,620 --> 00:15:21,670 Oh. All right. 366 00:15:22,580 --> 00:15:26,210 Work my fingers to the bone. 367 00:15:31,430 --> 00:15:32,890 Hmm. 368 00:15:32,930 --> 00:15:33,890 What? 369 00:15:33,930 --> 00:15:35,720 What do you want me to say? 370 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,640 It's delicious. 371 00:15:39,810 --> 00:15:41,600 It's not too oily? 372 00:15:42,270 --> 00:15:44,440 Little, but... 373 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:46,780 you know that's how I like it. 374 00:15:59,950 --> 00:16:01,410 -Hey, babe. -Hey. 375 00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:02,870 -How's it going? -Good. 376 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:03,960 You know what some guy 377 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,040 said on the phone to me today? 378 00:16:06,090 --> 00:16:08,420 "What country are you from?" 379 00:16:08,460 --> 00:16:11,300 Do I not sound American? 380 00:16:11,340 --> 00:16:13,680 That's crazy. That's crazy. 381 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:16,970 [SIGHS] 382 00:16:17,010 --> 00:16:19,270 Could you get me something out of the fridge? 383 00:16:19,310 --> 00:16:21,180 What do you need, honey? 384 00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:23,690 A...relish. 385 00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:26,060 What for? 386 00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:28,070 I just forgot what it smells like. 387 00:16:28,110 --> 00:16:29,730 I can't remember. 388 00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:31,990 Not for the life of me, you know. 389 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:37,580 What's that? 390 00:16:37,620 --> 00:16:40,000 Oh, yeah. Major felt bad that, uh, 391 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,830 he didn't draw you at the barbecue, 392 00:16:41,870 --> 00:16:45,170 so...there you are. 393 00:16:47,290 --> 00:16:50,130 Well, enjoy your trip down memory lane. 394 00:16:50,170 --> 00:16:51,880 Thank you. 395 00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:54,800 So I say to the guy, "If I don't sound American"-- 396 00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:57,720 Man, he's got some skills, too, doesn't he? 397 00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:00,180 Looks exactly like you. 398 00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:04,730 Exactly like me? I look like a little boy. 399 00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:06,770 Oh, my God. I just... 400 00:17:06,810 --> 00:17:08,310 totally put my foot in my mouth. 401 00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:10,070 I'm sorry. 402 00:17:10,110 --> 00:17:11,740 What are you talking about? 403 00:17:11,780 --> 00:17:13,240 'Cause I just said it looked exactly like you, 404 00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:15,200 and you said it looks like a little boy. 405 00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:18,280 Which means you look like a little boy. 406 00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:21,200 Whatever. I'm gonna go take a shower. 407 00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:30,420 Carrie, I'm so sorry about all this. 408 00:17:30,460 --> 00:17:31,880 About what? 409 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,010 [SIGHS] The picture that Major drew of you. 410 00:17:34,050 --> 00:17:35,760 I see how upset you are. You know, it's like 411 00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:38,470 he just doesn't care who he hurts, this little guy. 412 00:17:38,510 --> 00:17:40,510 You know, I'm fine with it. 413 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:41,970 Hmm. No, you're not. 414 00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:43,680 But I'll tell you what you are. 415 00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:46,060 You're brave. 416 00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:54,070 -Hmm. -What--what is that for? 417 00:17:54,110 --> 00:17:57,110 I mean, like all the sudden I'm like self-conscious. 418 00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:57,950 Stupid, right? 419 00:17:57,990 --> 00:18:00,280 No, not at all. I mean, 420 00:18:00,330 --> 00:18:02,450 your dad saw something wrong with his picture 421 00:18:02,490 --> 00:18:03,700 and he did something about it. 422 00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:06,330 Hats off to him. 423 00:18:06,370 --> 00:18:07,870 There is something that... 424 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,330 Forget it. Forget it. 425 00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:10,960 Oh, okay, yeah. I'll just forget about it 426 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,420 and just let my girl suffer in silence. 427 00:18:12,460 --> 00:18:14,880 Come here, baby. Talk to me. 428 00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:16,300 Okay, well... 429 00:18:16,340 --> 00:18:17,760 there is something that I've always wanted 430 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:20,260 to change about my body. 431 00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:22,560 Oh, my God, do you think I should do something about it? 432 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:25,180 Look, you know I love you 433 00:18:25,230 --> 00:18:28,060 and think you're beautiful just the way you are, 434 00:18:28,100 --> 00:18:30,730 but if you feel you want something changed 435 00:18:30,770 --> 00:18:35,440 or...augmented, 436 00:18:35,490 --> 00:18:38,450 I just want you to know I'm there for you. 437 00:18:38,490 --> 00:18:41,740 You know what, I'm gonna do it. 438 00:18:41,780 --> 00:18:45,120 I'm gonna get calf implants! 439 00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:48,920 Now, is calf a brand name or... 440 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,460 No, no. I mean, I looked into it once 441 00:18:51,500 --> 00:18:52,630 and they're pretty pricey, 442 00:18:52,670 --> 00:18:53,920 but I could finally have the shape 443 00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:55,550 that I've always wanted. You know, my legs 444 00:18:55,590 --> 00:18:56,880 will really pop on the subway. 445 00:18:56,920 --> 00:18:58,760 -Honey, thank you! -All right. Yeah. 446 00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:00,590 -Oh! -Yeah! 447 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:01,930 -Yeah! -Okay. 448 00:19:01,970 --> 00:19:03,260 Ooh, I'm gonna Google a doctor right now. 449 00:19:03,300 --> 00:19:05,430 Oh, you gotta do it right away! 450 00:19:05,470 --> 00:19:07,560 -Get on it. -Okay! 451 00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:17,650 Arthur, what are you eating? 452 00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:19,320 Salt water taffy. 453 00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:21,780 But the dentist said you're not supposed to eat 454 00:19:21,820 --> 00:19:23,950 -anything sticky. -I don't care. 455 00:19:23,990 --> 00:19:25,700 But it'll wreck your braces. 456 00:19:25,740 --> 00:19:28,080 Good. I hate them! 457 00:19:29,290 --> 00:19:30,460 What? 458 00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:33,210 They teased me at the senior center today. 459 00:19:33,250 --> 00:19:36,250 "Metal mouth", "brace face". 460 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:38,380 It was cruel as they were clever. 461 00:19:38,420 --> 00:19:42,220 Well, these braces are coming off right now! 462 00:19:43,010 --> 00:19:44,140 What? Are you kidding me? 463 00:19:44,180 --> 00:19:46,510 Hey, I spent $3,800 on your braces, 464 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,270 and I'm about to spend a couple grand more 465 00:19:48,310 --> 00:19:51,190 on a part of Carrie's body that I don't even look at! 466 00:19:52,020 --> 00:19:53,860 You put them down! 467 00:19:53,900 --> 00:19:55,820 My body, my choice. 468 00:19:55,860 --> 00:19:57,440 -Aah! -Arthur! 469 00:19:57,480 --> 00:19:59,190 -Yeah, so can you give me... -DOUG: Give them to me! 470 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,320 ...like, Kelly Ripa's calves? 471 00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:03,160 -ARTHUR: No! -[GLASS BREAKING] 472 00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:04,990 DOUG: Let go of my-- Ow! You bit me! 473 00:20:05,030 --> 00:20:08,040 ARTHUR: I hope you have a tetanus shot! 474 00:20:09,700 --> 00:20:11,120 No, no, everything's fine. 475 00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:13,000 -That's--that's just the TV. -DOUG: Ow! 476 00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:16,000 Ahem. So how's Wednesday? 477 00:20:21,260 --> 00:20:23,220 *To the edge of the platform* 478 00:20:23,260 --> 00:20:27,680 *The train is comin', it won't be long* 479 00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:32,390 *Keep your valuables on your person* 480 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:38,820 *That's the subway safety song* 481 00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:44,990 Hey, hey. Hey, hey. 482 00:20:45,030 --> 00:20:47,490 *Don't stand too close* 483 00:20:47,530 --> 00:20:49,790 *To the edge of the platform* 484 00:20:49,830 --> 00:20:54,790 *The train is comin', it won't be long* 485 00:20:54,830 --> 00:20:58,590 [**] 34673

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