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1
00:00:03,040 --> 00:00:04,460
* My eyesare gettin' weary*
2
00:00:04,500 --> 00:00:07,130
* My back is gettin' tight*
3
00:00:07,170 --> 00:00:08,750
* I'm sittin' herein traffic*
4
00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:11,760
* On the Queensboro Bridgetonight*
5
00:00:11,800 --> 00:00:17,350
* But I don't care,'cause all I want to do*
6
00:00:17,390 --> 00:00:21,270
* Is cash my check and driveright home to you*
7
00:00:23,310 --> 00:00:24,730
* 'Cause, baby, all my life*
8
00:00:24,770 --> 00:00:28,730
* I will be drivin' hometo you*
9
00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:38,160
Here you go.
10
00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:40,080
Oh, thanks.
11
00:00:42,540 --> 00:00:46,420
I think somebody's
into me.
12
00:00:46,460 --> 00:00:47,580
What?
13
00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:49,340
Look what she gave me.
She gave me pretzels.
14
00:00:49,380 --> 00:00:51,710
Look at what everyone else
has--peanuts.
15
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:52,800
So?
16
00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:54,050
So I was in here
the other day.
17
00:00:54,090 --> 00:00:55,760
I told her I was
allergic to peanuts.
18
00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:57,720
And Sienna
remembered.
19
00:00:57,760 --> 00:00:59,550
That doesn't mean
she's into you, all right?
20
00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:01,560
That means she doesn't want
to have to open your throat
21
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:02,890
with a pen.
22
00:01:02,930 --> 00:01:05,230
You know what?
Just face it, Danny.
23
00:01:05,270 --> 00:01:07,810
The pretty lady bus
has just pulled in
24
00:01:07,850 --> 00:01:09,610
to Spenceville.
25
00:01:10,650 --> 00:01:12,230
DOUG: Come on, man,
you got to choose.
26
00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:13,610
All right, fine. Um...
27
00:01:13,650 --> 00:01:16,570
I guess I'd rather have
my feet cut off.
28
00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:18,570
So you're gonna go no feet
instead of no hands.
29
00:01:18,620 --> 00:01:20,030
All right.
How are you gonna walk?
30
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,240
I don't know, man.
You said I had
31
00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:22,490
to pick one.
32
00:01:22,540 --> 00:01:24,370
I know. But the obvious
choice is hands.
33
00:01:24,410 --> 00:01:27,290
I mean, you need feet
to be able to move around.
34
00:01:27,330 --> 00:01:30,340
You have feet and you
don't move around.
35
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:34,460
This is what I get for trying
to have a serious conversation
36
00:01:34,510 --> 00:01:35,880
-with you.
-We'd better get going
37
00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:37,380
or we'll be late
for the movie.
38
00:01:37,430 --> 00:01:38,890
Oh, I'm not gonna be late
because I got feet.
39
00:01:38,930 --> 00:01:41,680
Good luck getting there
on your ankle nubs, yeah.
40
00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:42,890
You all set?
41
00:01:42,930 --> 00:01:44,100
Uh, yup.
42
00:01:44,140 --> 00:01:46,850
And this is for you.
43
00:01:46,890 --> 00:01:48,650
Oh, thanks.
44
00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:50,690
Let me get you
some change.
45
00:01:50,730 --> 00:01:52,110
Oh, no sweat. Keep it.
46
00:01:52,150 --> 00:01:54,480
Hey! Thank you
very much.
47
00:01:55,530 --> 00:01:57,200
How much did you
give her?
48
00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:58,610
I don't know.
Five bucks.
49
00:01:58,660 --> 00:01:59,660
Five?!
50
00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:00,780
I only gave her two,
51
00:02:00,820 --> 00:02:02,530
and our checks were
exactly the same!
52
00:02:02,580 --> 00:02:05,160
Hey, man, I used
to be a waiter, all right?
53
00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:08,250
I know what it's like
to serve idiots like you.
54
00:02:08,290 --> 00:02:10,830
You made me look bad
in front of Sienna.
55
00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:12,960
No. I think the thing
hanging out of your nose
56
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:14,750
beat me to the punch.
57
00:02:16,010 --> 00:02:17,720
[**]
58
00:02:19,590 --> 00:02:21,180
The movie really
got me thinking.
59
00:02:21,220 --> 00:02:22,970
I mean, why aren't
there people living
60
00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:24,470
on Mercury right now?
61
00:02:24,510 --> 00:02:26,140
Well, for one thing,
it's 800 degrees.
62
00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:27,730
We'd burn up in,
like, two seconds.
63
00:02:27,770 --> 00:02:29,440
No. If we're wearing,
like, special suits,
64
00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:30,940
like Nick Nolte
and Martin Lawrence.
65
00:02:30,980 --> 00:02:32,440
P.S., They'd be great
66
00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:35,110
in "The Doug
and Deacon Story."
67
00:02:35,150 --> 00:02:38,190
Oh. I got two messages.
68
00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:39,320
CARRIE: It's me.Listen, real quick,
69
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:40,410
there's a piein the fridge.
70
00:02:40,450 --> 00:02:41,490
It's formy book club.
71
00:02:41,530 --> 00:02:43,660
Please don'ttouch it.
72
00:02:43,700 --> 00:02:44,780
Doug...
73
00:02:44,830 --> 00:02:47,200
please. Bye.
74
00:02:47,830 --> 00:02:50,000
We'll see.
75
00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:51,210
JESSICA: Hi.
76
00:02:51,250 --> 00:02:52,500
I hope this isthe Doug Heffernan
77
00:02:52,540 --> 00:02:54,670
I metin the Hamptons.
78
00:02:54,710 --> 00:02:56,000
It's Jessica.
79
00:02:56,050 --> 00:02:57,130
I can't stopthinking
80
00:02:57,170 --> 00:02:59,300
about last weekend.
81
00:02:59,340 --> 00:03:03,050
How goodyou smelled,
82
00:03:03,090 --> 00:03:06,390
how yourlips tasted,
83
00:03:06,430 --> 00:03:08,350
about what we didon the beach.
84
00:03:08,390 --> 00:03:10,520
[JESSICA CHUCKLES]
85
00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:12,100
Anyway,you got my number.
86
00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:14,440
Give me a call.
87
00:03:18,070 --> 00:03:19,940
Talk to me, player.
88
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:26,870
Is it possible
I blacked out...
89
00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:30,660
went to the Hamptons...
90
00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:35,630
and let a very hot girl
taste me?
91
00:03:37,420 --> 00:03:39,090
I'm guessing no,
but what was that about?
92
00:03:39,130 --> 00:03:40,420
-Damn!
-I don't know.
93
00:03:40,470 --> 00:03:41,720
I guess there's another
Doug Heffernan.
94
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:43,680
She probably
got my number by mistake.
95
00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:45,350
I got to erase
that, though.
96
00:03:45,390 --> 00:03:47,100
-Carrie can't hear that.
-What for?
97
00:03:47,140 --> 00:03:48,720
-You didn't do anything.
-No. Trust me.
98
00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:50,390
She's got quite
a jealous streak going.
99
00:03:50,430 --> 00:03:51,810
If she hears that...
100
00:03:51,850 --> 00:03:54,060
-[CHUCKLING] Okay, okay.
-I'm serious, man.
101
00:03:54,100 --> 00:03:55,270
Once I was in
a supermarket
102
00:03:55,310 --> 00:03:57,230
and another girl
just looked at me,
103
00:03:57,270 --> 00:03:59,440
Carrie beat her
with a cantaloupe.
104
00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:01,860
So I never got this message,
105
00:04:01,900 --> 00:04:03,570
and I never got
the one about the pie.
106
00:04:03,610 --> 00:04:05,030
Let's go.
107
00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:08,330
[**]
108
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,290
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
109
00:04:14,790 --> 00:04:15,670
Hello.
110
00:04:15,710 --> 00:04:17,420
-JESSICA: Doug?
-Yeah.
111
00:04:17,460 --> 00:04:19,960
Hi. It's Jessicafrom the Hamptons.
112
00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:21,760
I hope you remember me.
113
00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:24,430
Uh, yeah. Actually,
I'm glad you called.
114
00:04:24,470 --> 00:04:26,430
-JESSICA: You are?
-Yeah. Look, you know what?
115
00:04:26,470 --> 00:04:27,800
It was not me
who was with--
116
00:04:27,850 --> 00:04:28,930
Hey, who's that?
117
00:04:28,970 --> 00:04:30,430
Uh, my mom.
118
00:04:30,470 --> 00:04:32,350
Oh! Good. I need to get
her credit card number
119
00:04:32,390 --> 00:04:33,810
if she still wants
those theater tickets.
120
00:04:33,850 --> 00:04:36,150
Ok, yeah. No,
I'll--I'll tell her.
121
00:04:36,190 --> 00:04:38,060
I got it. Excuse me.
122
00:04:38,110 --> 00:04:39,520
Sorry about that.
123
00:04:39,570 --> 00:04:42,530
That's okay, sexy.You're worth waiting for.
124
00:04:42,570 --> 00:04:43,610
Listen, I just want
you to know,
125
00:04:43,650 --> 00:04:45,280
I'm not the guy
who you--
126
00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:46,700
Your voice soundsdeeper on the phone.
127
00:04:46,740 --> 00:04:47,780
Really? Because
I'm just talking,
128
00:04:47,820 --> 00:04:49,660
you know, normally.
I mean.
129
00:04:49,700 --> 00:04:51,330
Hey. Did you get
the credit card number?
130
00:04:51,370 --> 00:04:52,410
Oh, no, I didn't.
131
00:04:52,450 --> 00:04:53,620
I can't get a word
in edgewise.
132
00:04:53,660 --> 00:04:56,670
You know my mom.
She's so crazy.
133
00:04:56,710 --> 00:04:58,880
Listen, it sounds likeI caught you at a bad time.
134
00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:00,460
I--I'll just callback later.
135
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:02,090
No, no, no.
No, no. It's fine.
136
00:05:02,130 --> 00:05:04,300
Well? You mean no
137
00:05:04,340 --> 00:05:07,470
like you saidon the beach? Mmmm!
138
00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:10,260
You know what? Just tell her
that I'll put the tickets
139
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:13,060
-on my credit card.
-Oh, okay.
140
00:05:13,890 --> 00:05:15,890
Okay. I--I'll do it.
141
00:05:17,310 --> 00:05:21,320
You have a greatnight, sexy. Love you.
142
00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:22,780
Okay. Love you, too.
Okay.
143
00:05:22,820 --> 00:05:25,360
Mom, Mom, Mom.
144
00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:27,530
[**]
145
00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:31,530
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
146
00:05:33,410 --> 00:05:35,330
Hello.
147
00:05:35,370 --> 00:05:37,790
Hello?
148
00:05:39,580 --> 00:05:41,000
That's the third hang up
this morning.
149
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:42,380
Really?
150
00:05:42,420 --> 00:05:43,760
Yeah. Twice while
you were in the shower.
151
00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:45,340
Listen, tell your girlfriends
to at least wait
152
00:05:45,380 --> 00:05:46,300
until I've gone to work.
153
00:05:46,340 --> 00:05:48,430
[EXAGGERATED
LAUGHTER]
154
00:05:48,470 --> 00:05:49,510
Hey, Car.
155
00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:51,930
-Have a good one.
-All right.
156
00:05:54,310 --> 00:05:56,480
-She called again.
-Who?
157
00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:58,440
Jessica. She hung up
on Carrie 3 times
158
00:05:58,480 --> 00:05:59,690
this morning.
159
00:05:59,730 --> 00:06:01,360
Well, how do you know
for sure it was her?
160
00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:03,780
Trust me. It's her.
She's obsessed with me.
161
00:06:03,820 --> 00:06:05,650
You mean, with the other
Doug Heffernan.
162
00:06:05,690 --> 00:06:07,950
No. With me, too.
Okay, she called last night,
163
00:06:07,990 --> 00:06:10,070
and, well,
we talked.
164
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:11,700
Well, why didn't you tell her
you weren't the same guy?
165
00:06:11,740 --> 00:06:13,740
I tried, but Carrie
was standing right there.
166
00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:16,200
Well, so now she thinks
you are the Doug Heffernan
167
00:06:16,250 --> 00:06:17,460
she slept with?
168
00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:21,750
Yes. And I may have
told her I love her.
169
00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:25,960
Wow. You know, for someone
who did nothing wrong,
170
00:06:26,010 --> 00:06:28,880
you've dug yourself
quite a hole here.
171
00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:29,720
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
172
00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:32,050
Oh, good.
I hope that's her.
173
00:06:33,850 --> 00:06:34,600
Hello.
174
00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:35,930
JESSICA: Hi, sexy.
175
00:06:35,970 --> 00:06:37,180
Jessica. It's Jessica.
176
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:38,980
Yeah, yeah.
I got that.
177
00:06:39,020 --> 00:06:42,730
Hey, uh, I'm--
I'm glad you called.
178
00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:45,570
Um, look, this whole thing
kind of got out of control here,
179
00:06:45,610 --> 00:06:47,570
but the bottom line,
I'm not the same person
180
00:06:47,610 --> 00:06:49,740
you were with
in the Hamptons.
181
00:06:49,780 --> 00:06:52,120
That nightchanged me, too.
182
00:06:53,450 --> 00:06:55,410
No, no, no, no.
You don't understand.
183
00:06:55,450 --> 00:06:57,870
It's not me. I don't--
I don't even know you.
184
00:06:57,910 --> 00:07:00,420
What?What's going on here, Doug?
185
00:07:00,460 --> 00:07:02,460
Last night youtell me you love me,
186
00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:04,380
and then this morningsome strange woman
187
00:07:04,420 --> 00:07:05,750
answers your phone
188
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:08,550
and suddenly youdon't know me?
189
00:07:08,590 --> 00:07:10,800
Yes. So we're good?
190
00:07:12,470 --> 00:07:14,260
Look, Doug,don't play games.
191
00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:16,930
If this was only a one-nightthing for you, just say so
192
00:07:16,970 --> 00:07:18,730
and you'll never hearfrom me again.
193
00:07:18,770 --> 00:07:21,440
-No, It's not that--
-Just say it!
194
00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:24,310
It was a one-night
thing for me.
195
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:28,610
JESSICA [SOBBING]: Oh, God.I knew it, I knew it!
196
00:07:28,650 --> 00:07:31,450
Oh, hey, come on.
Don't cry. Come on.
197
00:07:31,490 --> 00:07:34,450
No! Look, it's not you.
198
00:07:34,490 --> 00:07:36,450
It's--it's--it's me.
199
00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:38,660
What?
200
00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:41,540
JESSICA [INCREDULOUSLY]:
Yeah, right.
201
00:07:41,580 --> 00:07:44,630
Look, you're
an awesome person,
202
00:07:44,670 --> 00:07:48,380
and one day,
you're gonna find someone
203
00:07:48,420 --> 00:07:50,510
just as good as me.
204
00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:57,310
Well, I guessI'm lucky to have had
205
00:07:57,350 --> 00:07:58,770
at least one night with you.
206
00:07:58,810 --> 00:08:02,100
No, Jessica,
we're both lucky.
207
00:08:04,020 --> 00:08:06,650
Now, you go have
yourself a great life.
208
00:08:06,690 --> 00:08:09,070
[SOBS]
Bye.
209
00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:15,700
I just need a minute.
210
00:08:23,830 --> 00:08:26,540
4-ball, side pocket.
211
00:08:26,580 --> 00:08:31,590
Yup. You got to be happy
with what you got, Deac.
212
00:08:31,630 --> 00:08:33,550
What do
you mean?
213
00:08:33,590 --> 00:08:36,550
Kelly.
Love your wife, man.
214
00:08:36,590 --> 00:08:38,600
I do love my wife.
215
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:40,770
That's good. That's good.
You should love her.
216
00:08:40,810 --> 00:08:45,060
Yeah, because I'm not taking
Carrie for granted any more.
217
00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:47,020
I learned my lesson.
218
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:50,070
What lesson?
You didn't cheat.
219
00:08:50,110 --> 00:08:52,280
Well, we didn't have sex
in the traditional sense.
220
00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:54,990
You didn't have sex
in any sense.
221
00:08:55,030 --> 00:08:56,410
Sounds like
somebody wishes
222
00:08:56,450 --> 00:08:58,990
they got the wrong message
on their machine.
223
00:08:59,950 --> 00:09:03,250
Okay, so I'm gonna
leave her $5,
224
00:09:03,290 --> 00:09:07,080
and I'm thinking you
should stiff her.
225
00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:08,420
What? No, I'm not
stiffing her.
226
00:09:08,460 --> 00:09:10,920
Oh, come on. You owe me
one, Mr. Big Tipper.
227
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:12,420
And by the way,
I talked to my mom.
228
00:09:12,460 --> 00:09:15,970
12% is very generous
for beverages.
229
00:09:16,010 --> 00:09:17,590
You know what? This whole thing
is really stupid,
230
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,600
and I'm not gonna do it.
231
00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:21,970
Oh, I see
what's happening.
232
00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,100
What are you
talking about?
233
00:09:23,140 --> 00:09:24,560
You over-tipped
on purpose
234
00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:25,940
because you're afraid
if I hook up with someone,
235
00:09:25,980 --> 00:09:27,060
I'm gonna move out
236
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:28,270
and you're gonna be
all alone.
237
00:09:28,310 --> 00:09:29,560
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's what I did,
238
00:09:29,610 --> 00:09:31,070
because I'd hate
to come home every night
239
00:09:31,110 --> 00:09:34,110
not seeing you do Pilates
in a half-shirt.
240
00:09:34,150 --> 00:09:35,400
Hey, look,
that's not the point.
241
00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:37,450
The point is,
ever since the holidays,
242
00:09:37,490 --> 00:09:39,240
you've become more
and more possessive.
243
00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:40,450
And other people
have noticed.
244
00:09:40,490 --> 00:09:41,790
-Oh, have they?
-Yeah. Yeah.
245
00:09:41,830 --> 00:09:44,500
Oh, good.
Sienna, I'm ready.
246
00:09:45,750 --> 00:09:50,340
Okay, the bill
for me is 10.85.
247
00:09:50,380 --> 00:09:52,800
Here's 20.
Keep the change.
248
00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:54,090
Ah, thank you very much.
249
00:09:54,130 --> 00:09:57,130
Uh, okay, well, um,
this is for the food.
250
00:09:57,180 --> 00:10:00,640
And, uh, here's
a little something
251
00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:02,600
extra for you.
252
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:04,270
This is a $100 bill.
253
00:10:04,310 --> 00:10:06,180
Yup, there's
plenty more
254
00:10:06,230 --> 00:10:07,690
where that came from.
255
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:11,900
I don't know what you
expect in return for this,
256
00:10:11,940 --> 00:10:14,780
but I'm not for sale.
257
00:10:15,990 --> 00:10:18,280
See you at home, lumpy.
258
00:10:21,410 --> 00:10:23,740
Mmm. That
feels so good, baby.
259
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:25,580
What's gotten into you?
260
00:10:25,620 --> 00:10:27,080
Nothing. I just
got the greatest wife
261
00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:29,290
in the world
and I want her
262
00:10:29,330 --> 00:10:31,330
to know
I appreciate her.
263
00:10:31,380 --> 00:10:35,050
Doug, that is so sweet.
264
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:41,550
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
265
00:10:41,590 --> 00:10:43,510
ANSWERING MACHINE: You'vereached the Heffernan house.
266
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:45,520
Leave a message.
267
00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:47,680
Hi, Doug.
268
00:10:50,770 --> 00:10:52,310
It's Jessica.
269
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,570
Look, I know I promisednot to call again,
270
00:10:54,610 --> 00:10:56,780
but, um...
271
00:10:56,820 --> 00:10:59,360
I'm having some wine and...
272
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:03,030
I couldn't help thinkingabout last Saturday,
273
00:11:03,070 --> 00:11:06,240
lying naked on the sand.
274
00:11:09,910 --> 00:11:14,750
I still quiver when I thinkabout being with you.
275
00:11:14,790 --> 00:11:16,500
Oh, God. What am I doing?
276
00:11:16,550 --> 00:11:18,130
I shouldn't have called you.I'm sorry.
277
00:11:18,170 --> 00:11:20,010
I won't bother you again.I love you.
278
00:11:20,050 --> 00:11:21,430
[MACHINE BEEPS]
279
00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:31,140
Deacon. He is the man
of a thousand voices.
280
00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:32,400
Come on.
281
00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:34,610
What the hell
was that about?
282
00:11:34,650 --> 00:11:36,570
Oh, my God. It's not
what you think, all right?
283
00:11:36,610 --> 00:11:38,360
Look, there's another
Doug Heffernan,
284
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:40,400
and this girl,
she got the wrong number.
285
00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:42,490
And I tried to tell her
I wasn't that Doug,
286
00:11:42,530 --> 00:11:44,200
but she didn't
believe me, so I just--
287
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:46,870
I had to break up
with her, and...
288
00:11:49,580 --> 00:11:52,080
...that didn't go well
because she's really
289
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:54,170
into me.
290
00:11:55,090 --> 00:11:56,290
Carrie, I swear to God,
291
00:11:56,340 --> 00:11:57,420
I would never do
anything to hurt you.
292
00:11:57,460 --> 00:11:59,010
I got to throw up.
I swear.
293
00:11:59,050 --> 00:12:02,800
All right, all right.
Listen, calm down.
294
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:04,050
I believe you.
295
00:12:04,090 --> 00:12:05,430
Really?
296
00:12:05,470 --> 00:12:09,100
Yes. But next time,
instead of being such an idiot,
297
00:12:09,140 --> 00:12:11,180
tell me about it, okay?
298
00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:13,020
Ah, baby, come here.
You're trembling.
299
00:12:13,060 --> 00:12:14,690
-Aw.
-Okay.
300
00:12:14,730 --> 00:12:15,560
All right, honey.
301
00:12:15,610 --> 00:12:16,940
Hey, you're being
really cool
302
00:12:16,980 --> 00:12:18,110
-about this, you know?
-Oh, come on.
303
00:12:18,150 --> 00:12:19,230
I knew
that there was no way
304
00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,150
that could be you.
305
00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:29,240
Uh...
306
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:33,370
What did you mean
that that couldn't be me?
307
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:35,380
Oh. Just because
I trust you.
308
00:12:35,420 --> 00:12:39,800
And that message,
I mean, come on! Ha ha!
309
00:12:41,050 --> 00:12:42,630
We weren't even together
Saturday night.
310
00:12:42,670 --> 00:12:44,470
I told you I went bowling,
but I can't even prove that,
311
00:12:44,510 --> 00:12:46,180
because I paid cash,
so that very well
312
00:12:46,220 --> 00:12:47,970
could have been me.
313
00:12:48,010 --> 00:12:49,260
That's true.
314
00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:52,310
Still. Heh.
315
00:12:52,350 --> 00:12:54,440
Carrie, for God's sakes,
my shirt was ripped
316
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:55,810
when I came home,
remember?
317
00:12:55,850 --> 00:12:57,810
Yeah, you said you caught it
in the ball return.
318
00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:00,320
And you believed that?!
I mean, any reasonable person
319
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:01,820
would think
I cheated on you!
320
00:13:01,860 --> 00:13:04,360
Okay, baby.
321
00:13:12,290 --> 00:13:14,080
JESSICA ON ANSWERING MACHINE:
I couldn't help thinking
322
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:16,120
about last Saturday,
323
00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:18,960
lying naked on the sand.
324
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:23,260
I still quiver when I thinkabout being with you.
325
00:13:23,300 --> 00:13:26,430
Oh God, what am I doing?
326
00:13:26,470 --> 00:13:28,260
She did not
just say "quiver."
327
00:13:28,300 --> 00:13:29,930
She did.
And Doug was afraid
328
00:13:29,970 --> 00:13:32,020
that I would think
it was him.
329
00:13:34,810 --> 00:13:36,560
I got to say, though,
this other Doug Heffernan
330
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,020
sounds pretty amazing.
331
00:13:38,060 --> 00:13:40,150
[LAUGHING]
He does!
332
00:13:41,820 --> 00:13:43,530
[SIGHS]
333
00:13:44,530 --> 00:13:45,650
Well, what
are you doing?
334
00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:47,410
I'm just gonna
Google this guy
335
00:13:47,450 --> 00:13:49,530
just for kicks.
336
00:13:49,570 --> 00:13:51,280
You know, when Doug
and I were first engaged,
337
00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:52,450
I was getting
cold feet,
338
00:13:52,490 --> 00:13:53,620
so I went to see
this psychic
339
00:13:53,660 --> 00:13:54,950
on Coney Island,
and she said,
340
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:58,080
"Yes, Doug Heffernan
is the guy
341
00:13:58,120 --> 00:13:59,290
you should marry."
342
00:13:59,330 --> 00:14:01,670
I hope I got
the right one.
343
00:14:06,260 --> 00:14:09,340
So you're mad because
she believed you?
344
00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:10,640
Yes. I mean, I give her
345
00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:12,350
some half-assed
explanation,
346
00:14:12,390 --> 00:14:14,180
and she accepts it
just like that?
347
00:14:14,220 --> 00:14:15,480
You know what I
should do?
348
00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:16,940
I should go out
and have a real affair
349
00:14:16,980 --> 00:14:18,020
just to show her.
350
00:14:18,060 --> 00:14:19,020
Are you serious?
351
00:14:19,060 --> 00:14:22,520
No. It sounds like
a lot of work.
352
00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:24,320
-Oh, God.
-What?
353
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:25,570
The red light's
blinking.
354
00:14:25,610 --> 00:14:26,700
That's her again.
355
00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:28,320
-It could be anybody.
-Oh, please.
356
00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:31,830
You're here.
Who else calls me?
357
00:14:31,870 --> 00:14:33,620
ANSWERING MACHINE:
Hey, Doug Heffernan,
358
00:14:33,660 --> 00:14:35,500
this is Hector--Jessica's boyfriend.
359
00:14:35,540 --> 00:14:36,910
You're dead, you hear me?
360
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,870
Your face is dead.Your legs are dead.
361
00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:42,000
Your whole body's dead.You are dead!
362
00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:43,210
[MACHINE BEEPS]
363
00:14:46,170 --> 00:14:48,550
Now I'm really starting
to enjoy this.
364
00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:50,680
Shut up, all right?
I got to figure
365
00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:52,970
something out here.
I got to find Jessica,
366
00:14:53,010 --> 00:14:54,640
hook her up with the other
Doug Heffernan,
367
00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:56,520
and get her boyfriend
off my back.
368
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:57,770
And I got
to tell you,
369
00:14:57,810 --> 00:14:59,100
you're lucky
you're not cursed
370
00:14:59,140 --> 00:15:01,100
with this charisma.
371
00:15:04,020 --> 00:15:05,690
Why do I have
to talk to her?
372
00:15:05,730 --> 00:15:07,820
Because it's your fault
that she thinks
373
00:15:07,860 --> 00:15:09,570
that I think
she's a prostitute.
374
00:15:09,610 --> 00:15:10,860
Oh, God. I can't wait
375
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:12,200
till you
finally do move out
376
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:13,530
and I can stop
cleaning up
377
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,490
this mess you call
your personal life.
378
00:15:15,540 --> 00:15:17,580
Yeah, okay, just go. Go.
379
00:15:21,750 --> 00:15:23,170
What can I get you?
380
00:15:23,210 --> 00:15:24,670
Ah, anything on tap.
381
00:15:24,710 --> 00:15:26,840
Actually, I wanted
to talk to you
382
00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:29,550
about my friend over there.
383
00:15:29,590 --> 00:15:30,930
What about him?
384
00:15:30,970 --> 00:15:33,140
Well, you know
the $100 he gave you?
385
00:15:33,180 --> 00:15:34,850
He really didn't mean
anything bad by it.
386
00:15:34,890 --> 00:15:37,560
It's just the other day
when you gave him pretzels
387
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:39,560
instead of peanuts,
388
00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:42,270
he had this stupid idea
that you liked him.
389
00:15:42,310 --> 00:15:44,310
I do like him.
390
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:46,270
Come again?
391
00:15:47,730 --> 00:15:49,360
I like him a lot.
392
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:53,370
You're talking about
that guy right over there?
393
00:15:54,450 --> 00:15:56,530
Yes. Yes.
394
00:15:56,580 --> 00:15:59,580
The reason I got so upset
about the money,
395
00:15:59,620 --> 00:16:01,250
I thought he
didn't respect me.
396
00:16:01,290 --> 00:16:03,460
So you're saying that
you could really
397
00:16:03,500 --> 00:16:04,540
get serious with him?
398
00:16:04,580 --> 00:16:05,880
Yeah.
399
00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:07,920
Well, what happens
if you guys hit it off
400
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:09,210
and get a place together?
401
00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:12,760
I mean, what about
his roommate, huh? Huh?
402
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:14,260
What about the car
they share and the joint
403
00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:15,930
checking account?
404
00:16:15,970 --> 00:16:18,430
Um, I don't even know
what to say here.
405
00:16:18,470 --> 00:16:20,730
Excuse me.
406
00:16:25,980 --> 00:16:26,980
So?
407
00:16:27,020 --> 00:16:29,610
Sorry, bro.
She ain't into dudes.
408
00:16:29,650 --> 00:16:32,030
What?!
409
00:16:32,070 --> 00:16:35,320
Yeah. Who wants
to go to IKEA?
410
00:16:36,700 --> 00:16:38,870
Come on!
411
00:16:42,540 --> 00:16:44,620
Yes. Hi. I need
to make an appointment
412
00:16:44,670 --> 00:16:47,340
with Dr. Heffernan.
413
00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:51,840
Oh, he is?
Okay, how about next week?
414
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:56,800
He's booked all month?
Look, I really need to see him.
415
00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:59,010
Is he free for lunch?
416
00:16:59,850 --> 00:17:03,140
Work with me, Mildred.
Please.
417
00:17:03,180 --> 00:17:06,230
All right, could you
send me a picture of him?
418
00:17:06,270 --> 00:17:07,860
No, you'reweird.
419
00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:11,360
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
420
00:17:14,650 --> 00:17:16,450
Yeah, I'm looking
for Doug Heffernan.
421
00:17:16,490 --> 00:17:18,120
-Does he live here?
-Yeah.
422
00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:19,740
Yeah, well, he's been
messing with my girlfriend.
423
00:17:19,780 --> 00:17:21,080
I'm gonna kill him.
424
00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:24,660
All right, you know what?
Calm down, Chachi.
425
00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:27,500
Look, you got the wrong
Doug Heffernan, okay?
426
00:17:27,540 --> 00:17:28,920
Here's the address
427
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,250
of the guy
you're looking for.
428
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:33,170
And good luck getting
an appointment.
429
00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:36,680
Actually, you know what?
I'm gonna come with.
430
00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:38,800
Hang on.
431
00:17:46,730 --> 00:17:47,940
JESSICA:
Who is it?
432
00:17:47,980 --> 00:17:50,070
It's Doug Heffernan.
433
00:17:50,110 --> 00:17:52,070
JESSICA: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
434
00:17:52,110 --> 00:17:53,860
No, no. Not "Oh, my God."
no, no.
435
00:17:53,900 --> 00:17:55,110
It's not what
you think it is.
436
00:17:55,150 --> 00:17:57,160
JESSICA: Um, it's just gonna
be a minute.
437
00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:58,780
Oh, God.
My place is a mess.
438
00:17:58,820 --> 00:18:01,080
You know, I wouldn't clean it.
I wouldn't.
439
00:18:02,990 --> 00:18:06,870
Doug? Uh, where's Doug?
440
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,960
You're gonna get
a kick out of this.
441
00:18:11,210 --> 00:18:14,010
All right, look,
when we get there,
442
00:18:14,050 --> 00:18:16,220
I'm gonna go inside, get a look
at him, see what's what,
443
00:18:16,260 --> 00:18:18,890
and then you can carve him up
like a turkey, all right?
444
00:18:18,930 --> 00:18:21,100
Whoa! Will you watch
the potholes!
445
00:18:21,140 --> 00:18:23,060
I almost poked
my freakin' eye out!
446
00:18:23,100 --> 00:18:24,560
Sorry!
447
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:26,940
[SCOFFS]
448
00:18:26,980 --> 00:18:28,900
And do you understand
how devastated I was
449
00:18:28,940 --> 00:18:30,310
when you broke up
with me?
450
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:32,400
Hey, it was a bad day
for both of us, okay?
451
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:34,650
Now, relax. I'm taking you
to the Doug you want.
452
00:18:34,690 --> 00:18:37,490
Yeah, well, you're only doing it
so that I'll tell my boyfriend
not to kick your ass.
453
00:18:37,530 --> 00:18:39,490
Oh. You mean the boyfriend
you forgot to mention
454
00:18:39,530 --> 00:18:40,570
while we were together?
455
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:44,080
Look, it's complicated, okay?
456
00:18:45,330 --> 00:18:47,000
Fine.
457
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:50,960
So you like the beach, huh?
458
00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:01,930
Okay, you got
5 minutes.
459
00:19:01,970 --> 00:19:04,510
Okay, you point
that finger at me again,
460
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,930
and I'm gonna break it off.
461
00:19:11,810 --> 00:19:13,440
All right,
let's do this.
462
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:14,860
Okay.
463
00:19:14,900 --> 00:19:15,900
Carrie?
464
00:19:15,940 --> 00:19:18,190
Hey, listen,
I'm in a rush,
465
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,650
so I'll just see you
back at the house.
466
00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:21,990
Whoa, whoa! I just got
out of my car
467
00:19:22,030 --> 00:19:24,240
with another woman, the same
woman who's been leaving
468
00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:27,950
sexually explicit messages
on the machine, hmm?
469
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,790
-All right. I got to run. Bye.
-Wait a second, Car--
470
00:19:29,830 --> 00:19:31,790
I could have just
as easily slept with her.
471
00:19:31,830 --> 00:19:33,130
No, you couldn't.
472
00:19:33,170 --> 00:19:35,000
Sure he could.
She'll sleep with anybody.
473
00:19:35,050 --> 00:19:36,590
Thank you.
Okay? See that?
474
00:19:36,630 --> 00:19:38,720
She'll sleep with anybody.
Hey, well, you know what?
475
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:39,970
I'm anybody. Yeah!
476
00:19:40,010 --> 00:19:41,130
-CARRIE: Excuse me.
-Hey, wait a second.
477
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,510
I know what you've
been up to.
478
00:19:42,550 --> 00:19:44,100
What are you
even doing here?
479
00:19:44,140 --> 00:19:47,640
Um, I have a doctor's
appointment.
480
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:49,140
You're unbelievable.
481
00:19:49,180 --> 00:19:50,690
Well, come on. You've been
having a fake affair all week.
482
00:19:50,730 --> 00:19:51,940
Let me have
a little fun.
483
00:19:51,980 --> 00:19:53,020
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
You're stuck
484
00:19:53,060 --> 00:19:54,400
with thisDoug Heffernan,
485
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:56,020
not Dr. Quiver.
Now, let's go home. Come on.
486
00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:58,030
Doug, come on.
I've come all this way.
487
00:19:58,070 --> 00:20:00,150
Let me just get
one minute with him.
488
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,950
DOUG: Nope. I can't have one,
you can't have one.
489
00:20:02,990 --> 00:20:04,450
Oh, please don't hurt him.
Don't hurt him, Hector.
490
00:20:04,490 --> 00:20:06,910
I'm not gonna hurt him,
I'm gonna kill him.
491
00:20:06,950 --> 00:20:08,160
But, Hector, please!
492
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:09,330
He's dead.
493
00:20:09,370 --> 00:20:11,120
Oh, God!
494
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:14,460
Dr. Heffernan,
495
00:20:14,500 --> 00:20:17,590
I think another one
of your women is here.
496
00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:22,180
Oh, that's the one
from the beach.
497
00:20:22,220 --> 00:20:25,010
I'd better go down
the back way.
498
00:20:29,970 --> 00:20:32,190
[EXHALES]
499
00:20:35,020 --> 00:20:36,440
ANSWERING MACHINE:
Hi. It's Ken.
500
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:38,190
Uh, I hope this isthe Doug Heffernan
501
00:20:38,230 --> 00:20:41,440
I met on Fire Islandlast Sunday.
502
00:20:41,490 --> 00:20:44,740
Anyway, I'd love to takeyou up on that cup of coffee.
503
00:20:44,780 --> 00:20:46,240
Call me.
504
00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:47,580
[MACHINE BEEPS]
505
00:20:48,490 --> 00:20:50,200
What's going
on here, Doug?
506
00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:52,460
That you believe?!
507
00:20:54,620 --> 00:20:57,670
[**]
36505
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