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1
00:00:05,830 --> 00:00:07,590
Doug, just admit it.
2
00:00:07,630 --> 00:00:09,840
Carrie, I was not
crying, okay?
3
00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,670
Come on, it was a sad
movie, it's okay to cry.
4
00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:15,680
Okay, for the last time,
I got nacho sauce in my eye
5
00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:19,140
and yeah, there were tears,
but they were snack-related.
6
00:00:19,180 --> 00:00:22,430
Okay, 'cause I thought I saw
a different side of you
7
00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:24,640
and it, uh, kind
of turned me on.
8
00:00:24,690 --> 00:00:26,770
Oh, me crying
turns you on?
9
00:00:26,810 --> 00:00:28,360
-Yes, that's right.
-Really?
10
00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:30,110
Tell you the truth,
I was actually thinking
11
00:00:30,150 --> 00:00:32,610
of doing the, uh,
birthday thing for you.
12
00:00:32,650 --> 00:00:35,110
Oh, yeah, okay,
the birthday thing.
13
00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:37,700
Yeah, that's right.
But it doesn't really
matter now, does it?
14
00:00:37,740 --> 00:00:39,740
Because you made it clear
that you were not crying.
15
00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:42,620
Wait, Carrie, wait.
16
00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:46,460
I was crying.
17
00:00:46,500 --> 00:00:48,080
-Oh, shut up.
-No, I was.
18
00:00:48,130 --> 00:00:49,790
I mean...
19
00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:53,720
when the baby penguin, you
know, died, after the parents
20
00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:56,380
tried to save it
through the long winter...
21
00:00:56,430 --> 00:00:58,220
I don't know,
it just got to me.
22
00:00:58,260 --> 00:00:59,720
It did.
23
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:02,720
You see, I knew
you were crying.
24
00:01:02,770 --> 00:01:04,140
Okay...
25
00:01:05,350 --> 00:01:06,310
How about the
birthday thing?
26
00:01:06,350 --> 00:01:07,480
Yeah, right.
27
00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:11,190
* My eyesare gettin' weary*
28
00:01:11,230 --> 00:01:13,490
* My back is gettin' tight*
29
00:01:13,530 --> 00:01:15,530
* I'm sittin' herein traffic*
30
00:01:15,570 --> 00:01:18,620
* On the Queensboro Bridgetonight*
31
00:01:18,660 --> 00:01:24,160
* But I don't care,'cause all I want to do*
32
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:27,540
* Is cash my check and driveright home to you*
33
00:01:29,580 --> 00:01:31,420
* 'Cause, baby,all my life*
34
00:01:31,460 --> 00:01:35,220
* I will be drivin' hometo you*
35
00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:45,520
Thank you guys so much
for having us over.
36
00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:46,560
This is great.
37
00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:49,440
Yeah, you two
freaks can cook.
38
00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:51,520
Well, I figured it
was time to reciprocate.
39
00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:53,530
You guys have us
over all the time.
40
00:01:53,570 --> 00:01:55,280
We actually don't
have you over.
41
00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:56,740
You just come.
42
00:01:58,610 --> 00:02:01,320
Sometimes when
we're not there.
43
00:02:01,370 --> 00:02:02,740
We found stuff.
44
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:10,580
Well, uh, tonight is
a very special occasion.
45
00:02:10,630 --> 00:02:12,750
-It is?
-Yeah.
46
00:02:12,790 --> 00:02:16,590
This is May 15th,
the 2-year anniversary
47
00:02:16,630 --> 00:02:18,630
of when we moved
in together.
48
00:02:20,470 --> 00:02:23,140
Oh, somebody's gettin'
lucky tonight.
49
00:02:24,390 --> 00:02:25,680
Actually, I am.
50
00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:28,350
-I was kidding...
-SPENCE: No, no, no.
51
00:02:28,390 --> 00:02:32,560
No, we made a deal,
I get the big bedroom.
52
00:02:32,610 --> 00:02:34,770
Remember?
53
00:02:36,860 --> 00:02:39,320
"If, after two years,
we're too poor to move
54
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,570
"and still have
no girlfriends,
55
00:02:41,610 --> 00:02:43,320
the big bedroom
reverts to Spence."
56
00:02:43,370 --> 00:02:45,540
Heh, yeah.
Well, we're still poor
57
00:02:45,580 --> 00:02:47,580
and we're still single.
58
00:02:47,620 --> 00:02:48,710
Yeah, well,
you know what?
59
00:02:48,750 --> 00:02:50,290
I'm not moving
into that mop closet.
60
00:02:50,330 --> 00:02:51,580
No, I have it
in writing.
61
00:02:51,620 --> 00:02:54,290
Oh yeah, oh, okay.
He he, well, now you don't.
62
00:02:54,340 --> 00:02:56,590
That napkin is binding.
63
00:02:56,630 --> 00:02:58,170
Yeah, well then
don't eat it.
64
00:02:58,210 --> 00:02:59,760
Hey, you are moving
your stuff out of my room.
65
00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:00,930
No, I'm not.
66
00:03:00,970 --> 00:03:02,640
Okay, you know what,
this is so typical.
67
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:04,800
You never give back money
when I loan it to you.
68
00:03:04,850 --> 00:03:06,680
You never clean up after
yourself, and now this?
69
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,180
I'm tired of it!
70
00:03:08,220 --> 00:03:09,770
You know what I'm tired of?
71
00:03:09,810 --> 00:03:11,440
Your big fat head.
72
00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:13,560
Yeah, well, I'm tired
of your head!
73
00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:15,400
-Yeah.
-Happy anniversary!
74
00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:16,860
Happy anniversary to you.
75
00:03:20,950 --> 00:03:23,820
That ice cream cake we
brought needs to sit out.
76
00:03:27,870 --> 00:03:29,830
[indistinct radio chatter]
77
00:03:32,620 --> 00:03:34,330
Oh, my God.
78
00:03:34,380 --> 00:03:36,340
Dad, are you okay?
What happened?
79
00:03:36,380 --> 00:03:38,340
He's okay, he just
inhaled a little smoke.
80
00:03:38,380 --> 00:03:39,550
Smoke from what?
81
00:03:39,590 --> 00:03:40,970
There was a small fire
in the basement.
82
00:03:41,010 --> 00:03:43,470
But thank God
nobody got hurt.
83
00:03:43,510 --> 00:03:45,510
For what it's worth, I'd
say it's not a great idea
84
00:03:45,550 --> 00:03:47,850
to have him making bacon next
to an open can of gasoline.
85
00:03:49,270 --> 00:03:51,520
I told you not
to cook down there.
86
00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:53,650
You banned me
from the kitchen!
87
00:03:53,690 --> 00:03:54,850
Okay, I swear,
I'm gonna kill him.
88
00:03:54,900 --> 00:03:56,230
Everybody, you
might want to look away
89
00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:57,520
because I am going
to kill him!
90
00:03:57,570 --> 00:03:58,780
-Honey.
-No, I'm sick of it, Carrie,
91
00:03:58,820 --> 00:04:00,030
I'm sick of him.
92
00:04:00,070 --> 00:04:01,490
Doug, take it easy,
he's been through a lot.
93
00:04:01,530 --> 00:04:03,320
Okay, Lou, please
stay out of this.
94
00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:06,410
You would not want
to see me when I'm angry.
95
00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:11,870
[SIGHS]
96
00:04:11,910 --> 00:04:13,960
So my dad's gonna sleep
in the office.
97
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:15,670
The basement
is kind of flooded.
98
00:04:15,710 --> 00:04:17,340
Yeah, I know,
I was thinking we could turn it
99
00:04:17,380 --> 00:04:18,880
into a Wet-and-Wild.
100
00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:22,550
Doug, look, I know
you're a little upset.
101
00:04:22,590 --> 00:04:24,380
A little upset? Carrie,
we could have lost everything
102
00:04:24,430 --> 00:04:25,930
-down there, everything!
-Doug, listen to me.
103
00:04:25,970 --> 00:04:28,300
No, okay, my baseball
card collection,
104
00:04:28,350 --> 00:04:30,020
my CD's,
my ab roller.
105
00:04:33,100 --> 00:04:35,400
Doug, just shut up and listen
to me one second, okay?
106
00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:37,310
-What?
-Look, I've been thinking
107
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,320
about this a lot
and I think it's time
108
00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:41,400
to do something
about my dad.
109
00:04:42,530 --> 00:04:43,990
You want to do the pillow thing
110
00:04:44,030 --> 00:04:45,910
we saw on Law and Order?
111
00:04:47,070 --> 00:04:48,910
No.
112
00:04:50,330 --> 00:04:51,790
I'm thinking that
maybe we should...
113
00:04:51,830 --> 00:04:53,660
find someplace else
for him to live.
114
00:04:54,620 --> 00:04:55,790
Are you serious?
115
00:04:55,830 --> 00:04:56,920
For the last 8 years,
116
00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:58,290
every time
he does something stupid
117
00:04:58,340 --> 00:04:59,880
like steals money
out of your wallet
118
00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:02,050
or throws the remote
control across the room
119
00:05:02,090 --> 00:05:05,340
because he said Matt Lauer
stole his haircut,
120
00:05:05,380 --> 00:05:07,930
I've always defended him,
but it's not fair to you.
121
00:05:07,970 --> 00:05:09,300
It's not fair to us.
122
00:05:09,350 --> 00:05:10,560
It isn't fair to us.
123
00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:12,560
So, what do you
want to do?
124
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:14,680
Well, I think tomorrow
maybe we should start
125
00:05:14,730 --> 00:05:16,690
looking at some
retirement homes for him.
126
00:05:16,730 --> 00:05:19,860
Or, how about
right now.
127
00:05:19,900 --> 00:05:22,030
Now look, we got one
over here in Red Meadows.
128
00:05:22,070 --> 00:05:23,740
You know what,
no bells and whistles,
129
00:05:23,780 --> 00:05:24,780
but it really
gets the job done.
130
00:05:24,820 --> 00:05:26,110
Come, sit, sit, sit.
131
00:05:26,150 --> 00:05:28,530
Now, this one here
is my favorite,
132
00:05:28,570 --> 00:05:30,950
it's not to far away, it's
pretty much in our price range
133
00:05:30,990 --> 00:05:32,080
and I'm tellin' you,
he's gonna like it.
134
00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:34,330
Oh my God,
my hands are shaking.
135
00:05:38,790 --> 00:05:41,800
Doug, I don't know, the rooms
look so small and depressing.
136
00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,880
You don't like this one?
You know what, you'll
never see it again.
137
00:05:45,130 --> 00:05:46,680
Look, I didn't want
to have to go expensive,
138
00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:48,680
but if we gotta do it,
that's what we gotta do, okay?
139
00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:50,720
Here we go,
not a problem.
140
00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:52,350
Hey, look how nice this one
is here, huh, look at them.
141
00:05:52,390 --> 00:05:54,020
Look at them in the pool,
they gotta pool, heh,
142
00:05:54,060 --> 00:05:56,890
look at the old people,
they're aqua-dancing.
143
00:05:57,940 --> 00:05:59,690
[**]
144
00:06:03,570 --> 00:06:05,690
[WHISTLING]
145
00:06:15,620 --> 00:06:17,660
Hey, man.
146
00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:19,460
All right, very funny,
where's all my stuff?
147
00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:22,710
Uh, I moved it
into your room.
148
00:06:23,590 --> 00:06:24,800
This is my room.
149
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:26,380
I don't think so,
unless, uh,
150
00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:29,630
this is your Warriors
of Grun poster,
151
00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:31,680
starring one Tony Danza.
152
00:06:33,100 --> 00:06:34,930
Okay, what do you think,
I'm an idiot?
153
00:06:34,970 --> 00:06:36,680
I'll just move
everything back.
154
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,440
Let me get out
of your way.
155
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:53,780
You bolted
everything down.
156
00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:56,490
Yeah, and one of my things
has an electric current
157
00:06:56,540 --> 00:06:59,040
running through it, I'll let
you find that for yourself.
158
00:07:05,210 --> 00:07:07,460
Flat screen will
go right there, right?
159
00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:09,720
Air hockey table over here
with, like, a hot dog cart.
160
00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:11,470
And how about this,
I'm just thinkin',
161
00:07:11,510 --> 00:07:13,930
one of those chairs that takes
me up and down the stairs, huh?
162
00:07:15,140 --> 00:07:18,520
Fun now,
necessary later.
163
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,890
So does Arthur know
he's getting the boot yet?
164
00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:23,730
Yeah, we broke it to him
last night at Sizzler.
165
00:07:23,770 --> 00:07:25,980
-How'd it go?
-Not as well as we thought.
166
00:07:26,020 --> 00:07:28,570
He held his breath a couple
minutes and he bit a waiter.
167
00:07:28,610 --> 00:07:32,990
Okay, well anyway, is
anything valuable in here?
168
00:07:33,030 --> 00:07:34,950
It's all soaked.
169
00:07:34,990 --> 00:07:36,080
I don't know, why don't
you just open it up?
170
00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:38,200
Man...
171
00:07:45,630 --> 00:07:47,250
What the hell
is this stuff?
172
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:49,460
It's playbills.
173
00:07:49,510 --> 00:07:51,010
Fiddler on the Roof?
174
00:07:51,050 --> 00:07:53,840
The Iceman Cometh?
175
00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:56,220
-Is that Arthur?
-Yeah, looks like him.
176
00:07:56,260 --> 00:07:58,260
Hey, I didn't know
he was an actor.
177
00:07:58,310 --> 00:07:59,640
Neither did I.
178
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:03,560
Well, we had a bomb scarein The Bronx yesterday.
179
00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:05,480
But it turned outto be a cantaloupe.
180
00:08:07,230 --> 00:08:09,820
Requesting permission
to have a glass of water.
181
00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:14,160
Arthur, you don't need to ask
permission about everything.
182
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:16,570
Of course I do,
I'm a guest in your house.
183
00:08:16,620 --> 00:08:19,540
At least until you throw me
out into the street.
184
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,120
Hey, what is this stuff?
185
00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:23,500
Where did you
get that?
186
00:08:23,540 --> 00:08:24,290
Down in the basement.
187
00:08:24,330 --> 00:08:27,130
Yes, locked up
in my trunk.
188
00:08:27,170 --> 00:08:29,170
How dare you go through
my private things!
189
00:08:29,210 --> 00:08:30,960
You go through
my stuff all the time.
190
00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:32,760
That is a lie!
191
00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:35,220
Arthur, yesterday I caught
you eating my Chap Stick.
192
00:08:39,310 --> 00:08:40,850
Now, what is this?
193
00:08:40,890 --> 00:08:43,850
Look, you were in TV shows
and in Broadway plays.
194
00:08:43,890 --> 00:08:46,560
You got pay stubs here for,
like, thousands of dollars.
195
00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:47,770
What's going on?
196
00:08:47,810 --> 00:08:50,650
It was always my dream
to be an actor.
197
00:08:50,690 --> 00:08:52,610
I was a natural.
198
00:08:52,650 --> 00:08:53,860
In fact, I was
often compared
199
00:08:53,900 --> 00:08:56,030
to a younger, shorter
Fred MacMurray.
200
00:08:59,700 --> 00:09:01,240
What happened, why is
there a stubby Fred MacMurray
201
00:09:01,290 --> 00:09:03,580
living in my basement?
202
00:09:03,620 --> 00:09:07,170
The sixties happened,
it was a time of free love.
203
00:09:08,290 --> 00:09:12,960
One evening, I met
a gorgeous young dancer.
204
00:09:13,010 --> 00:09:15,010
We had a wild night,
Douglas.
205
00:09:15,050 --> 00:09:18,970
In the bed, in the shower,
we destroyed a beanbag chair.
206
00:09:19,010 --> 00:09:20,850
And...?
207
00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:24,020
Back to the acting.
208
00:09:25,060 --> 00:09:28,150
Anyway, nine
months later...
209
00:09:29,650 --> 00:09:31,570
Carrie was born.
210
00:09:33,070 --> 00:09:34,940
I never acted again.
211
00:09:34,990 --> 00:09:36,240
Why not?
212
00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:38,870
Because in the performing arts
you never know
213
00:09:38,910 --> 00:09:41,580
when you're working,
where you're working.
214
00:09:41,620 --> 00:09:44,120
That's no way
to raise a child.
215
00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:45,660
So you just...
216
00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:48,040
you stopped, I mean you
just gave up your dream?
217
00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:49,210
All for Carrie?
218
00:09:49,250 --> 00:09:54,340
Yes, I decided to become
a 9-to-5 Charlie,
219
00:09:54,380 --> 00:09:57,680
and give her the stable
life she deserved.
220
00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:00,180
But you've never held
a job for more than a month.
221
00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:04,350
I didn't say
it worked out.
222
00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:07,810
-[DOOR SLAMS]
-CARRIE: I'm home.
223
00:10:07,850 --> 00:10:08,900
Does she know
about this?
224
00:10:08,940 --> 00:10:11,770
No, and promise me
she never will.
225
00:10:26,330 --> 00:10:27,910
Hey, buddy.
226
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,920
Yeah, this
is real mature.
227
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:32,000
Yeah, well, I'm not the one
who bolted my pottery wheel
228
00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:33,090
to the floor.
229
00:10:33,130 --> 00:10:34,250
You know what,
I'm not leaving.
230
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:36,210
In fact...
231
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:40,340
I'm never leaving.
232
00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:43,300
Well, neither
am I, and F.Y.I.,
233
00:10:43,350 --> 00:10:47,020
I have 9 sick days and
I'm not afraid to use 'em.
234
00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:49,980
I'll quit my job.
235
00:10:50,020 --> 00:10:53,360
I'm about to be replaced by
a Metro card machine anyway.
236
00:10:54,770 --> 00:10:58,030
[**]
237
00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:00,700
Hey!
238
00:11:00,740 --> 00:11:03,280
There's the man
I love.
239
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:05,830
Whoa, I guess somebody
hit margarita madness
240
00:11:05,870 --> 00:11:07,160
on the way home, huh?
241
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,750
No, but I did
hit happy hour
242
00:11:09,790 --> 00:11:12,330
at the North Shore
Retirement Village.
243
00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:14,000
Whoa, sounds rockin',
how was it?
244
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:15,800
Oh, my God, Doug,
he's gonna love it.
245
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:17,960
I mean, they have ping-pong,
crafts, and every Friday
246
00:11:18,010 --> 00:11:19,800
is make your own
sundae and movie night.
247
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:21,090
Wow. Maybe we should
move in there
248
00:11:21,130 --> 00:11:23,430
-and give him the house.
-I know, right?
249
00:11:23,470 --> 00:11:25,010
Anyway, I filled
out the paperwork.
250
00:11:25,060 --> 00:11:27,270
He has orientation
on Saturday, he moves in
251
00:11:27,310 --> 00:11:30,020
on Sunday and then you
got your basement back.
252
00:11:30,060 --> 00:11:32,850
Yeah, I'm gonna throw
something out at you.
253
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:35,360
Little bit
of a curveball.
254
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:37,780
What are you
talking about?
255
00:11:37,820 --> 00:11:39,940
I see you got
your game face on.
256
00:11:39,990 --> 00:11:41,280
You're taking
your lemons
257
00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:44,070
and you're trying
to making lemonade.
258
00:11:45,910 --> 00:11:47,870
But you don't
have to, Carrie.
259
00:11:47,910 --> 00:11:49,910
Look, you're my wife,
and I know he's your dad.
260
00:11:49,950 --> 00:11:51,920
If you want him here,
he can stay.
261
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:54,080
Now come on,
bring it in.
262
00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:59,050
Ow!
263
00:11:59,090 --> 00:12:00,090
What are you
doin' to me here?
264
00:12:00,130 --> 00:12:01,840
What are you
talking about?
265
00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:03,220
This has been the hardest
decision for me to make, Doug.
266
00:12:03,260 --> 00:12:05,390
I finally convinced
myself that putting
267
00:12:05,430 --> 00:12:08,060
my dad in a retirement home was
the best thing for everybody.
268
00:12:08,100 --> 00:12:10,140
Now you're sittin' here
talking about lemonade?
269
00:12:12,020 --> 00:12:14,100
I'm just saying I realized
that, you know what,
270
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:15,980
I don't mind
having him around.
271
00:12:16,020 --> 00:12:17,400
Oh, really you
don't mind it?
272
00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:20,190
You were swinging a rake
at him the other day.
273
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:21,820
That's how
we play, okay?
274
00:12:21,860 --> 00:12:23,320
Oh, come on.
275
00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:25,910
I'm just saying, Carrie,
he's not such a bad guy.
276
00:12:25,950 --> 00:12:29,580
And I just, I got a feeling
he's done some pretty nice
277
00:12:29,620 --> 00:12:30,870
things in his
life for you.
278
00:12:30,910 --> 00:12:33,460
Oh, really?
Name one.
279
00:12:37,130 --> 00:12:39,170
That's what
I thought.
280
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:54,600
Arthur, what are
you still doing up?
281
00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:57,060
Uh, I couldn't sleep.
282
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:59,400
Can I interest you
in some of your Scotch?
283
00:13:02,650 --> 00:13:05,410
Listen, I want to tell Carrie
about the acting thing.
284
00:13:05,450 --> 00:13:07,530
Absolutely not.
285
00:13:07,570 --> 00:13:10,120
Listen, I think if she
knows about it, you know,
286
00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:13,120
she may change her mind
and you could...stay here.
287
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:17,330
So you're saying
you want me here?
288
00:13:18,500 --> 00:13:20,000
No, I don't want
you here, no.
289
00:13:20,050 --> 00:13:23,050
I just...
I'm just, uh,
290
00:13:23,090 --> 00:13:26,380
I'm used to the noise,
you know, so, uh,
291
00:13:26,430 --> 00:13:28,260
can I tell Carrie?
292
00:13:28,300 --> 00:13:29,970
Douglas, I've done
a lot of things in my life
293
00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:31,970
that I'm not proud of.
294
00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:34,480
I've written thousands
of bogus checks.
295
00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:36,440
I started forest fires.
296
00:13:38,020 --> 00:13:40,230
I sucker punched
a lady cop.
297
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:45,200
But the one good thing
I've done in my life,
298
00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:47,360
is to not let her
know about this.
299
00:13:49,030 --> 00:13:51,330
And when I get to those
pearly gates, that's all I got.
300
00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:56,040
I'm just saying, look,
I'm gonna take out a loan.
301
00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:58,120
And I'm gonna turn that
basement into my media room.
302
00:13:58,170 --> 00:14:00,500
So I'm just sayin', look,
this is your last chance.
303
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:06,680
Douglas, pull the trigger
on that media room.
304
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,930
You sure that's
what you want?
305
00:14:08,970 --> 00:14:13,310
What I want is that you and
Carrie have a wonderful life
306
00:14:13,350 --> 00:14:15,230
because you deserve it.
307
00:14:17,100 --> 00:14:18,400
Thanks, Arthur.
308
00:14:20,230 --> 00:14:22,230
You know what?
309
00:14:22,270 --> 00:14:23,570
I don't think you're
gonna have any trouble
310
00:14:23,610 --> 00:14:25,490
getting into
those pearly gates.
311
00:14:25,530 --> 00:14:26,900
Thank you, Douglas.
312
00:14:28,070 --> 00:14:29,570
You want to see me
in a Prell commercial?
313
00:14:29,610 --> 00:14:31,240
Let her rip.
314
00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:39,210
And this
is our rec room,
315
00:14:39,250 --> 00:14:41,380
where the residents have
a full range of activities.
316
00:14:41,420 --> 00:14:44,380
They've got cards,
and board games
317
00:14:44,420 --> 00:14:45,550
and Penny Bingo.
318
00:14:45,590 --> 00:14:47,050
Oh, that sounds
like fun, right, Dad?
319
00:14:47,090 --> 00:14:48,470
Uh-huh.
320
00:14:48,510 --> 00:14:51,220
Now, why don't I show you
the rooms that are available.
321
00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:15,330
CARRIE: Dad, come on.
322
00:15:19,540 --> 00:15:21,290
[**]
323
00:15:27,510 --> 00:15:29,260
* Today *
324
00:15:29,300 --> 00:15:31,590
* I saw the rainbow... *
What are you doing?
325
00:15:31,630 --> 00:15:33,090
Uh, listening to music.
326
00:15:33,140 --> 00:15:34,470
Well, could...
327
00:15:34,510 --> 00:15:36,600
Can you turn it down?
I'm trying to sleep.
328
00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:38,350
Yeah, well, this whole thing
could've been over with
329
00:15:38,390 --> 00:15:40,440
if you just moved all your crap
back to where it belonged.
330
00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:44,110
No way. Now, come on, I got
to get up early for work.
331
00:15:44,150 --> 00:15:45,520
That's-- That's if I was going.
332
00:15:46,650 --> 00:15:48,440
Fine, you big baby.
333
00:15:48,490 --> 00:15:49,690
[TURNS OFF MUSIC]
334
00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:00,000
What's all this junk
all over the ceiling?
335
00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:02,000
Duh, it's
the universe, genius.
336
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:04,380
Those are glow
in the dark stickers.
337
00:16:07,340 --> 00:16:09,550
I know, I know.
338
00:16:09,590 --> 00:16:12,470
And that's the Big Dipper
right over there.
339
00:16:12,510 --> 00:16:14,340
No, that's
Orion's Belt.
340
00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:16,640
Have you ever been
to a planetarium?
341
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:20,060
The Big Dipper's
way over there.
342
00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:21,310
What, that thing?
343
00:16:21,350 --> 00:16:23,230
No, that's Cassiopeia.
344
00:16:23,270 --> 00:16:26,150
The Big Dipper's right
there, see the handle?
345
00:16:26,190 --> 00:16:27,440
Oh, yeah...
346
00:16:28,820 --> 00:16:31,280
Wow, you sure know
a lot about this stuff.
347
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:32,740
Hey, when you're
in the 10th grade
348
00:16:32,780 --> 00:16:35,570
and you're 4'10"
and still hairless,
349
00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:37,370
this is...
350
00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:42,410
this is something to do
on a Friday night.
351
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:50,260
So I want the projection TV
with the 6-foot screen
352
00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:52,630
and the, uh, deluxe
surround sound.
353
00:16:52,670 --> 00:16:54,340
What size speakers
were you thinking?
354
00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:56,180
Uh, well, let's put it this way.
355
00:16:56,220 --> 00:16:57,800
I don't want the sound
just to surround me,
356
00:16:57,850 --> 00:16:59,810
I want it in me.
357
00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:03,270
I'll put you down
for the Bronco package.
358
00:17:03,310 --> 00:17:06,690
All right, Bronco.
359
00:17:09,730 --> 00:17:11,570
Hey, Art Attack.
360
00:17:12,820 --> 00:17:14,400
Douglas, can we
talk for a sec?
361
00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:15,660
Yeah.
362
00:17:15,700 --> 00:17:17,120
Remember how you
wanted to tell Carrie
363
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:18,870
about my giving up
my dream for her?
364
00:17:18,910 --> 00:17:20,160
-Yeah.
-Well, you can pull
365
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:22,410
the trigger on that.
366
00:17:22,450 --> 00:17:24,080
What?
367
00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:26,420
Yeah, that retirement home
is death, I don't want to go.
368
00:17:26,460 --> 00:17:28,130
But, Arthur,
it's too late.
369
00:17:28,170 --> 00:17:30,210
You already told me to pull
the trigger on the media room.
370
00:17:30,250 --> 00:17:31,840
I'm changing my mind.
371
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:33,800
But you said it was
the one good thing
372
00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:35,380
you did in your life,
and it was gonna get you
373
00:17:35,430 --> 00:17:36,630
through the pearly gates.
374
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:38,300
Let's not kid ourselves,
I'm going to hell
375
00:17:38,350 --> 00:17:39,600
and you know it!
376
00:17:41,220 --> 00:17:42,470
Now pull the trigger.
377
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,230
Arthur, you are
making me crazy.
378
00:17:44,270 --> 00:17:46,230
These last few days,
you're going, you're staying.
379
00:17:46,270 --> 00:17:47,650
Let me tell
you something.
380
00:17:47,690 --> 00:17:49,560
Carrie is fine with you goin',
I'm fine with you goin'.
381
00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:51,360
So you better get fine
with it, you got it?!
382
00:17:54,490 --> 00:17:56,490
So we'll put
a pin in it?
383
00:18:01,700 --> 00:18:03,410
All right, Doug,
we're leaving.
384
00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:05,580
Okay.
385
00:18:05,620 --> 00:18:07,250
All right, I'm gonna
pull the car around.
386
00:18:07,290 --> 00:18:09,500
You guys say
your goodbyes, okay?
387
00:18:15,470 --> 00:18:18,470
Well, uh,
good luck, Arthur.
388
00:18:18,510 --> 00:18:19,840
Thank you.
389
00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:21,720
And what can
I say, except...
390
00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:23,640
I hope you die,
you fat pig.
391
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:37,860
And to this day...
392
00:18:37,900 --> 00:18:41,280
my dad still hasn't forgiven
me for quitting the saxophone.
393
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:42,700
I mean, he couldn't
grasp the fact that
394
00:18:42,740 --> 00:18:45,870
I had asthma and that
every time I played a song,
395
00:18:45,910 --> 00:18:47,870
I put my life
on the line.
396
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:52,790
Well, at least
your dad stuck around.
397
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,920
I mean, I've always
wondered, like,
398
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:58,430
if I'd been taller
or better at sports,
399
00:18:58,470 --> 00:18:59,800
maybe he would
have stayed.
400
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:02,800
Hey, do not blame
yourself. He left you.
401
00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:06,270
Yeah, you're right.
402
00:19:06,310 --> 00:19:09,390
Oh, my God,
the sun's coming up.
403
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,940
Wow, we've been
talkin' all night.
404
00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:18,490
-Hey, you know what?
-Huh?
405
00:19:18,530 --> 00:19:20,610
You can have this room.
406
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:22,820
-Really?
-Yep.
407
00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:24,330
I made a promise
to you on that napkin
408
00:19:24,370 --> 00:19:25,660
and I'm gonna
stick to it.
409
00:19:25,700 --> 00:19:27,330
I'm not going to be
like your father.
410
00:19:27,370 --> 00:19:29,500
Hey, wait,
wait, wait.
411
00:19:29,540 --> 00:19:31,880
Maybe you don't
have to move out.
412
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:33,210
What do you mean?
413
00:19:33,250 --> 00:19:34,630
If we shared
a vanity we could
414
00:19:34,670 --> 00:19:36,380
fit all our
stuff in here.
415
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,340
-Really?
-Yeah.
416
00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:42,260
And we could
turn the other bedroom
417
00:19:42,300 --> 00:19:43,600
into a sitting room.
418
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:44,680
-I like sitting.
-Yeah,
419
00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:46,350
and you know
what, we could put
420
00:19:46,390 --> 00:19:47,560
a fold-out couch
in there so if one
421
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:48,850
of us has
a girl over,
422
00:19:48,890 --> 00:19:50,640
the other guy has
a place to crash.
423
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:54,520
Yeah, might get more use
out of a foosball table, but...
424
00:19:56,440 --> 00:19:58,280
Yeah, you're right.
425
00:20:02,410 --> 00:20:04,370
CARRIE: Hey, honey,
I'm down here!
426
00:20:04,410 --> 00:20:08,620
Hey, I have a great
night set up for us.
427
00:20:08,660 --> 00:20:12,620
I have your favorite movies,
Porky's,and pork rinds.
428
00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:15,040
Huh, just you, me
and our house.
429
00:20:15,090 --> 00:20:17,500
Honey, I gotta tell you,
the room looks great.
430
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,380
I mean, I really didn't think
all this stuff was gonna work
431
00:20:19,420 --> 00:20:21,010
like this carpet, the
black and burgundy thing.
432
00:20:21,050 --> 00:20:23,260
A little Danny Terrio,
but it does work in here.
433
00:20:23,300 --> 00:20:25,260
And that Jets
helmet is...
434
00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:30,560
I can't do
this, Doug.
435
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:32,980
I'm sorry,
I tried, but I...
436
00:20:33,020 --> 00:20:34,730
I want him back.
437
00:20:34,770 --> 00:20:36,520
Please.
438
00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:38,570
I promise, I will wash
him, I will feed him.
439
00:20:38,610 --> 00:20:40,940
You won't even know
that he's here, I prom--
440
00:20:40,990 --> 00:20:42,700
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
441
00:20:46,030 --> 00:20:47,830
Dad!
442
00:20:47,870 --> 00:20:50,660
-There she is!
-Hi, welcome back.
443
00:20:50,700 --> 00:20:53,330
Oh, I'm so glad
you're back.
444
00:20:53,370 --> 00:20:55,750
Thank you, it's
good being back.
445
00:20:55,790 --> 00:20:58,630
Although I'm not loving
the color scheme.
446
00:21:13,890 --> 00:21:16,600
[TABLE AND OBJECTS RATTLING]
447
00:21:16,650 --> 00:21:19,070
ARTHUR: This Bronco package
is marvelous!
448
00:21:19,110 --> 00:21:21,990
[EXPLOSION ON TV]
449
00:21:22,030 --> 00:21:23,570
[GUNFIRE WHIZZING]
450
00:21:25,820 --> 00:21:28,780
[**]
33086
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