All language subtitles for The King of Queens (2004) - S06E15 - Cheap Saks_track3_[eng]

SINGER: *My eyes
are gettin' weary*

*My back is gettin' tight*

*I'm sittin' here
in traffic*

*On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight*

*But I don't care,
'cause all I want to do*

*Is cash my check and drive
right home to you*

*'Cause, baby,
all my life*

*I will be drivin' home
to you*

-Hey.
-Hey, babe.

Ugh. I gotta learn to put
a few more minutes

between tooth brushing
and orange juice.

Now, don't forget,
we have that show

at the art gallery tonight.

Oh, God.

Come on, you can keep
yourself busy

by looking for paintings
with boobies.

Oh, yeah, like boobies in
paintings are a real turn-on.

They got like one boobie here,
a boobie on her head...

it's crazy.

All right, look,
here's the address,

go straight from work,
the gallery's in Soho.

It's in an old
meat-packing warehouse.

Okay, so they took out beef
and moved in art.

I have nothing more
to say to you.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

God, this is brutal.

I can't believe Carrie's
making me do this.

Hey, thanks for coming
with me, man.

Thanks for rescuing me from
Kelly'sAmerican Idolparty.

Man, Denise
would've loved this.

This is the first gallery
opening I've been to since...

Since she dumped you?

She didn't dump me, okay?

We parted at her request.

Guy, why don't you
just chill out

and get some wine?

Where the hell
is Carrie?

What's the matter?

Nothing. I just got
a little museum head.

Oh, uh, go ahead,
take it.

No, no. Go ahead.

I heard it's a Zinfandel,
so no big loss.

Well, according to
my wine enthusiasts' club,

Zinfandel
is the new Merlot.

You're kidding, right?

What's next? We start
chilling Chiantis?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Oh, my God, no.

What?

See that girl
over there?

That's
Trish Flintoff.

I dated her, like,
10 years ago.

Yeah, and what happened?

Oh, the way
I ended things, I was--

what you call in the business--
a "Jackass."

You know what?
Pull in here, man.

Guy, take it easy, man.
You've been married

for, like, 8 years.

I know, you know, but I cannot
be seen by her, okay?

She's on my "top 3
most awkward people

to run into" list.

Right after this friend
of my dad's,

who taught me to wrestle.

Sorry about that, guys.

I just got asked out
on a date.

Good for you, man.
Where is she?

Uh, it's that guy over there.

By the way,
if you like sheep's milk,

do not miss the cheese table.

Okay, it's not what you think,
all right?

After this whole thing
with Denise,

it's nice to have someone
who's into me again.

What's wrong with that?

Well, I could think
of 2 things,

and they rhyme
with schmesticles.

Would you calm down?
It's just dinner and a movie.

Wait. You said yes?

Yeah. He's a nice guy.

We have a lot in common,
and I gotta eat.

What's your
end game here?

We go out, he makes me
feel desirable again,

and when he
makes his move, I go,

"Ooh, sorry, buddy.
I'm sweet on lady kind...

but I'm very touched."

I'm sure
you will be.

I don't know why I
tell you guys anything.

Oh, good.
There's Carrie. Let's go.

Okay.

Oh, Carrie, too close
to she who hates me.

My God, they touched!

They touched!
They're talking!

Do something.
Create a distraction.

What do you
want me to do?

I don't know.
Moonwalk.

DOUG: Oh, she likes her purse.
Get the hell out of there.

Wow, they're really
hitting it off.

DOUG: Stop it.
Stop talking.

Stop talking.

Oh, no.
They're coming over here.

Hell. I'm in hell.

Honey, hi.

I want you to meet somebody.
Trish, this is my husband Doug.

Doug, this is Trish.

Hi, Doug.

I owe you a phone call.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

DOUG: I'm just saying, do you
have to have lunch with her?

Doug, you went out with her
10 years ago

and we hit it off
and she works for Saks

and she's gonna take me
to the friends

and family sale next week.

Look, I am begging you
to let this go.

Doug, could you just
explain to me

what happened that
was so terrible

that I can't even have
a meal with her?

I--I'll tell you, but I
just want you to remember

I'm still the same Ol' Doug
who can make you laugh

with only his belly button.

Will you just tell me
what happened?

Well, we went out
a couple times

and I realized it wasn't
going anywhere long term,

so Imayhave bought
concert tickets

for a tour that was
6 months in the future

to make her think
I was serious

so that she would
sleep with me.

That's really jerky, but--

There's more.

Ah, after we finally hooked up,
Imayhave climbed out

of her bedroom window with $20
that Imayhave taken off

her dresser for cab fare.

Okay, that's horrendously
jerky--

A little more.

Alittlemore.

The next day, she called
my answering machine

and left this crazy message.

And shemayhave
caught me playing it

for a bunch of my buddies
for our general amusement.

Oh, my God, Doug.
You're a monster!

What could've possibly
possessed you to act that way?

Was she so awful?

I don't know.

She said the word
"Literally" a lot.

-What?
-Yeah.

It'sliterally
the best muffin I ever had.

Oh, it'sliterally
the funniest show I ever saw.

-Aagg.
-Yeah. Aagg.

I know, what a bitch.
I wish she were dead.

I'm not proud of what I did,
okay? I feel terrible.

That's why I'm asking you
to drop this.

No, I can't drop this, okay?

On behalf of all women,

I think I owe it to her
to have lunch,

and we're having lobster
that you're paying for.

Fine, but...

whatever bad stuff
she says about me,

just remember this.

[WHISTLING THEANDY
GRIFFITH SHOWTHEME SONG]

Ah, that was literally

the most annoying waiter
I've ever had.

CARRIE: Ohh.
He was all over us.

Do you know he actually tried
to fill my iced tea

-asI was drinking it.
-It's unprecedented.

-I know.
-Crazy.

All right. You know,
I'm gonna run upstairs.

Could you throw this
in the fridge?

Sure.

Hey, Doug.

I guess there's
a little outlet there.

There's an outlet there.
Hey.

So how was lunch?
A little midday lady chow, huh?

It was great. We had
a wonderful time.

Yeah, you know what I always say
about a good lunch.

Just like a good dinner.

Only earlier and...

often a sandwich,
as opposed to a platter.

Doug, it's okay.
It's okay.

I'm over what happened
between us.

-You are?
-Yeah.

I'm not gonna say
it didn't hurt me,

but, um, it was
a long time ago

and I've lost
the weight.

The weight?

Yeah. I put on about 100 pounds
after you dumped me.

All right. Okay.

I lost the weight.
I kicked the amphetamines,

which, incidentally,
I took to lose the weight,

and I've moved on.

Hey, at least you had a fun time
eating your way up

that hundred pounds.

I've lost the use of one kidney.

Been there.

Look, Trish, I, uh, I never
officially apologized to you.

You know, I--I...

I acted like a real jerk.

Especially about that whole
answering machine thing.

It's, uh, it's fine.

I officially accept
your apology.

And, um, you did set me back

about a year or so
dating-wise,

but, hey, as long
as I have a baby by 45,

I'm all right.

And besides, Carrie's
a wonderful woman,

so something very good
came out of this.

-That is good.
-Yeah, it is.

Hey, so did the leftovers
make it to the refrigerator,

or did this one swallow
everything, including the foil?

Oh, you're funny.

No. They're okay
for now.

I should probably
take off.

Oh, okay.
I'll walk you out.

All right.

So, we still on for
that Saks sale on Saturday?

Oh, my God,
yes, we are.

Okay, I'll call you.

-Okay, bye-bye.
-Bye.

-Bye-bye.
-Bye-bye.

Well, this is great.
You guys are friends,

and I don't have to feel
guilty. It's all good.

Oh, my God,
I can't stand her.

What?

Doug, lunch was torture.

I mean, you are right.
There is something about her--

the needy thing,
the "Literally" thing.

When she ordered a souffle

that was gonna take
a half hour at lunch,

I almost drove a fork
through my hands.

After the Saks sale is over,
I'm telling you, she's toast.

You're just gonna use
her to get what you want

and then throw her away?

Yeah.

You...can't do that,
Carrie.

That's exactly what
I did with her!

And you were right to do it.
She's unbearable.

You should've stolen $80 from
her dresser.

I cannot be part of this again.
You can't dump her after Saks.

She gets
a 40% employee discount

on already
marked down items, okay?

I haven't shopped
in 3 months. This is Saks.

There's a reason why
Winona stole from there.

Their stuff is gorgeous.

This is so bad.
This is so bad.

Carrie, look,
all right, look, okay.

If you're gonna do it,

you can't dump her
the same way I did, all right?

You gotta let her
down easy.

You gotta see her
a couple times after the sale.

You know,
then you know what?

You get busy,
she gets busy,

nobody has to get hurt.

All right,
how many times?

-5.
-Absolutely no.

All right, 3.

Okay, but I'm only
seeing her.

Literally,
3 times, Doug, okay?

Oh, my God.
I caught it.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay, this one's $80 off.

59 off. 30 off.

Oh, yeah.

-105 off.
-Ohh!

For a total savings
of nearly $300.

So where do you
wanna go for lunch?

I could literally
eat anything.

Actually, I gotta go.

[WHISTLES]

Oh, come on, get 'im, get 'im,
get 'im! Get 'im,

-yes!
-Oh! It's a fumble.

-Fumble!
-There you go!

Do you guys think
I look good in blue?

Excuse me?

Specifically, that
blue turtleneck I have.

You know the one.

No. I really don't.

But I'll tell you, in terms
of turtlenecks,

you probably look enough
like a turtle already.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

What's your problem?
Is it this guy again?

Yes! We've been out
4 times,

and he hasn't made
his move yet.

This is way better
than the game.

I mean, this is supposed
to be making me

feel better about myself.

And it's just making me
feel worse, so what's the point?

Maybe he's just
playing hard to get.

I hope so.
I don't know.

I...oh, I gotta go.
He's picking me up at 8:00,

and I gotta do something
with my hair.

I should split, too.

All right, I'll see you
guys later.

All right, man.
Have a good one.

[RING]

[RING]

[BEEP]

TRISH [ON PHONE]:
Oh, hi, Carrie. It's Trish.

Um, I don't know if you got
my other messages,

I left, like, 4, but I
haven't talked to you

in literally ages
since that Saks sale.

I miss you.

Um, anyway, I hope
we're still on

for that Hugh Grant
movie tonight.

I need my Carrie fix.

So, I guess if I
don't hear from you,

we should just meet
at the Fairway at 9:00.

Okay, so, okay, okay, bye.

[BEEPS]

Hey, honey.

Hey. What are
you up to?

Oh, I just stopped
at that Falafel Place.

I don't know why
I keep having Falafel.

I kinda hate it.

What do you got
planned for tonight?

Nothing. Why?

'Cause Trish just called,
you're supposed to meet her

at the movies.

You haven't called her
since Saks, have you?

No. I-I've, um--

You-you-you-you know what?

We had a deal.
You were supposed to see her

3 more times.

You want her to gain
that hundred pounds back?

-No.
-Well, you know what?

If you don't meet her
at the movies,

she can gain 10 of them
tonight on popcorn

and little ice cream balls.

You're going.

No. I'm not going
to the movies.

Oh, yes, you are.

Doug, listen to me.

I am not going to the movies
tonight, okay?

Life is too short to spend
listening to Trish Flintoff

go on and on about
how she misses me so much

when we only met
last week.

Now, I know you feel
guilty about her,

but I feel nothing.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

DOUG: Hey, Trishy.

Hey, Doug.
Where's Carrie?

Oh, um, she
couldn't make it.

She got sick and
a family emergency.

Sounds like she's
got a lot going on.

Yeah. She--she felt bad
that she couldn't be here.

Actually, you know what,
she wanted to say hi to you.

Oh! Yay!

Hold on a second.

Here we go.

[RING]

Hello.

Hey, sweetie.
I'm at the movies with Trish.

What?

I knew you weren't
going jogging.

Yeah. Anyway,
I was just telling her

how sorry you were that you
couldn't be here tonight

and that you
wanted to say hi to her.

No, no, Doug.
Don't put her on.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no--

-Hi!
-Hi, Trish!

Hi. I feel like I
haven't talked to you

in literally forever.

Uh-huh.

Doug said you had
a family emergency.

What? Oh, uh, yeah.
I'm okay. I'm okay.

It's just hard when,
you know, your family has...

an emergency.

You know,
but we're pulling through.

We're pulling through.

Can I speak to Doug
real quick?

-TRISH:Sure.
-Thanks.

Okay. You
take care of yourself.

Bye-bye.
Bye-bye. Bye.

Ahem. What's up?

Literally forever?

I mean, does she know
that's just not possible?

What's that? You wanna
invite her to dinner

at our house Saturday night?

-Oh!
-CARRIE:No.

That sounds like a great idea.
I'll ask her.

Doug, you better stop this,

or I swear I will kill you
in your sleep.

7:00 sounds really good.

Okay. I'll talk to you later,
sweetie. Bye-bye.

She invited you to our house
Saturday night for dinner.

Ooh, Saturday night.
I've been bumped up

to the "A" list.

Yeah.

It's, uh, chilly
in here, isn't it?

A little.

Brr. Ha ha.

The, uh, seats are
real comfy though.

You can just
snuggle right in.

Yeah, they're all right.

What are you doing?

What?

I don't know what you
think is going on here,

but I'm not gay.

Well, neither am I.

[SNORTS]

Then why did you try to
put your arm around me?

My girlfriend dumped me.
It's a very confusing time.

I'm sorry. I thought
we were just friends.

Maybe it's better
if I just head out.

Fine! Leave
like they all do.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Wow, these are
really good.

Oh, thank you.

Every time I get invited to
somebody's house for dinner,

I gotta make empanadas.

I learned how
in Argentina.

Have you ever been?

No.

Oh, you have to go.
It's so wonderful.

Yeah, I don't really
have a lot of money

to travel right now.

Go on the internet.
They have really cheap tickets.

Yeah, I know, but it's still
kinda hard to get--

Yeah.
No, go to Argentina.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Hey, Car, how are we
doing on those drinks?

They're coming!

Eggrolls in the house.
Oh, and good news.

Chef Ming had the baby.

Ha ha. Brian.

Hol, what are you
doing here?

Carrie
invited me over.

Did she?

Well, let me just
drop this off here.

What the hell is going on?
Are you trying to

palm Trish off on Holly?

No. Holly dropped by,

and I invited her
to stay for dinner.

I like people, Doug.

Carrie, I can't do this
anymore.

Here's your 30 bucks back.

You're paying her?

I told you, Doug.
I couldn't do this, okay?

Life is too short.

I know. And now I think
I have to go to Argentina.

All right,
you know what?

I'm just gonna
end this, okay?

I'm just gonna go
out there and tell Trish

that she says
"Literally" too much,

and I'm gonna give
this lovely Chinese food

as a parting gift.

No. Wait, wait,
wait, wait a second.

Look, I started
this whole thing.

I should end it
like a man.

I owe her that much.

Okay. Holly, you wanna see
my new clothes?

-Sure.
-Okay.

Hi.

There you are.

I thought you
literally got lost

on your way back
from the kitchen.

DOUG: Ha ha ha ha.

Ah, Trish,
you...

are an incredible
person.

Thank you.

You really are,
you know.

You're fun.

You're a great
empanada maker.

And you're
a great friend...

for someone
who's not Carrie.

What?

Carrie doesn't really think
it's in the cards

for you two
to be friends.

It's not you,
you know.

Sometimes the chemistry
is not right.

And I think it would
probably be best

if we all just kinda,
you know, moved on.

Please don't
start eating.

Well, uh, that's actually
the most mature way

anyone has ever handled
this kind of thing with me.

Really?

Yeah, um, I'm not happy.
But I got a great friend

in Holly out of it, so...

Well, there you go.

I think I'm just
gonna take off.

So, will you say good-bye
to them for me?

Definitely, yeah.

Thanks.

I really appreciate
your honesty.

It meant a lot to me.

Oh, no problem.
My pleasure, you know.

Life's a long road,
and we all stop

for gas, you know.

-Is she gone?
-Yeah.

Carrie, you can
come down now.

Is it done?

Yeah, it's done.

Oh, God, Doug,
come on, honey,

look on the bright side.

This way she'll be
forced to take a good

hard look at herself

and come up with
a better personality.

Okay, you know what?
Enough.

She's a nice person.

Hah. Seriously,
Doug, come on.

-She's a freak show.
-Yeah. I have to agree.

She's not.

Seriously.
Really.

Have you listened to
the messages she left me?

Listen.

-Don't.
-Yeah.

TRISH [ON TAPE]:So, I haven't
heard from you in a while.

Did I do something
to annoy you?

I was thinking perhaps
I hurt your feelings

when I said I didn't
like step aerobics.

Don't misunderstand me.
It is a good workout.

What is she
talking about?

Listen.
And this one.

TRISH [ON TAPE]:Hey, car.
Did you just call me?

'Cause my phone rang and I
couldn't find the receiver.

It was actually just in my
kitchen--oh.

You have never seen my
apartment.

You have to see my apartment.

Okay.
Anyway, tag, you're it.

Call me.

I mean, really.

All right,
all right.

[ALL TALKING
OVER EACH OTHER]

Thank you, Holly.

HOLLY: She said literally.
I gotta be literally...

-right. Sure.
-Okay, I get it. I know.

She is a bit--

I forgot
my empanada dish.

That's gonna be
one big girl.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN:It's all right,
relieve the watch.

Pass the word
to put on life jackets.

Excuse me.
Are those empanadas?

Yeah.

They are literally
my favorite food.

I have a whole basket.

Oh.
Can I have one?

No.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]