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1
00:00:03,160 --> 00:00:04,500
SINGER: *My eyesare gettin' weary*
2
00:00:04,540 --> 00:00:07,170
*My back is gettin' tight*
3
00:00:07,210 --> 00:00:09,340
*I'm sittin' herein traffic*
4
00:00:09,380 --> 00:00:11,880
*On the Queensboro Bridgetonight*
5
00:00:11,920 --> 00:00:17,510
*But I don't care,'cause all I want to do*
6
00:00:17,550 --> 00:00:22,060
*Is cash my check and driveright home to you*
7
00:00:23,270 --> 00:00:25,020
*'Cause, baby,all my life*
8
00:00:25,060 --> 00:00:30,190
*I will be drivin' hometo you*
9
00:00:35,070 --> 00:00:36,200
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
10
00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:37,700
-Good morning.
-Hey, Deac.
11
00:00:37,740 --> 00:00:39,330
Didn't Doug tell you I have
my law firm picnic today?
12
00:00:39,370 --> 00:00:41,160
Actually, Arthur
left me a message
13
00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:42,540
saying come over
right away.
14
00:00:42,580 --> 00:00:44,210
It's "code blue."
15
00:00:44,250 --> 00:00:46,000
-You know what that means?
-Yeah, code blue.
16
00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:47,460
Could be anything
from chest pains
17
00:00:47,500 --> 00:00:49,960
to "look what I made
out of paper clips."
18
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:52,210
Dad, Deacon's here!
19
00:00:52,260 --> 00:00:54,590
ARTHUR: Send him down.
20
00:00:57,090 --> 00:00:59,760
Any way he can
come up here?
21
00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:02,720
I've never been
down there.
22
00:01:02,770 --> 00:01:04,680
Hey, Dad, why don't you
come up here
23
00:01:04,730 --> 00:01:06,190
and talk to him, okay?
24
00:01:06,230 --> 00:01:07,230
ARTHUR: No can do.
25
00:01:07,270 --> 00:01:10,440
This matter is
far too intimate.
26
00:01:12,070 --> 00:01:15,650
If he's wearing a robe,
eyes up, okay?
27
00:01:16,780 --> 00:01:18,320
Are you really gonna
make me wear this shirt
28
00:01:18,370 --> 00:01:19,530
to this stupid picnic?
29
00:01:19,570 --> 00:01:21,620
Yes. Would you
stop complaining?
30
00:01:21,660 --> 00:01:23,240
You look adorable.
31
00:01:23,290 --> 00:01:26,460
I look like
fruit-striped gum.
32
00:01:30,130 --> 00:01:33,380
The people I work with
are gonna be there.
33
00:01:33,420 --> 00:01:35,090
You need to look nice.
34
00:01:35,130 --> 00:01:36,340
What was wrong with
the T-shirt I had on?
35
00:01:36,380 --> 00:01:39,340
Okay, not sure my bosses
need to know
36
00:01:39,390 --> 00:01:42,810
that you're an official
bikini inspector.
37
00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:48,520
Well, this shirt's
got a rip in it.
38
00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:51,360
I just bought that.
Where?
39
00:02:01,030 --> 00:02:03,200
Right here.
40
00:02:06,750 --> 00:02:09,040
[SIGHS]
41
00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:10,830
Be right
with you, son.
42
00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:12,840
Grab yourself
a seat.
43
00:02:30,100 --> 00:02:32,650
So, Arthur,
what's going on?
44
00:02:32,690 --> 00:02:35,150
Well, I was tracing
my ancestry,
45
00:02:35,190 --> 00:02:38,150
and I had these documents
sent to me.
46
00:02:38,190 --> 00:02:41,070
Turns out my great grandfather
had a small farm,
47
00:02:41,110 --> 00:02:44,280
and on that farm
he had some...
48
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:48,660
Chickens?
E-i-e-i-o?
49
00:02:49,750 --> 00:02:52,330
No. He had--
50
00:02:52,380 --> 00:02:54,670
let's just say he had
51
00:02:54,710 --> 00:02:57,590
a little help
around the house.
52
00:02:58,590 --> 00:02:59,510
He had a maid?
53
00:02:59,550 --> 00:03:00,760
No! He had slaves,
damn it!
54
00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:04,300
Slaves, I tell ya.
The man had slaves.
55
00:03:05,930 --> 00:03:08,480
Wow. Okay. Well, um...
56
00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:11,020
You know, a lot of people
had slaves back then.
57
00:03:11,060 --> 00:03:13,190
But this is my family,
58
00:03:13,230 --> 00:03:15,570
and I need
to set things straight.
59
00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:20,280
Uh, what are you doing?
60
00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:22,780
I want to write you
a check.
61
00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:28,370
For reparations.
62
00:03:28,410 --> 00:03:30,870
Why would you
want to pay me?
63
00:03:30,910 --> 00:03:32,080
Well, you're black,
64
00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:33,330
and the only other
black people I know
65
00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:35,630
are on TV.
66
00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:38,170
Toss a number at me.
67
00:03:38,210 --> 00:03:39,960
You don't need to
pay me reparations.
68
00:03:40,010 --> 00:03:41,720
You didn't do
anything wrong.
69
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:44,590
My family committed
a crime against humanity,
70
00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:46,220
and I'm gonna
make it right!
71
00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:47,600
Toss a number at me.
72
00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:49,470
Okay, look,
how about this.
73
00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:50,890
Why don't you just
pay me what you
74
00:03:50,930 --> 00:03:52,020
owe me from poker?
75
00:03:52,060 --> 00:03:53,060
That is a separate issue!
76
00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:55,690
Look, Arthur,
it's very nice
77
00:03:55,730 --> 00:03:57,320
that you're so concerned
about slavery,
78
00:03:57,360 --> 00:04:00,400
but as you may
or may not know,
79
00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:05,660
I'm already free.
So we're good.
80
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:07,410
I gotta go.
81
00:04:07,450 --> 00:04:08,870
Are you sure?
82
00:04:08,910 --> 00:04:10,660
I wouldn't want things
to get weird between us.
83
00:04:10,700 --> 00:04:13,460
DEACON:
That ship has sailed.
84
00:04:26,340 --> 00:04:28,010
That's 2 dead!
85
00:04:28,050 --> 00:04:29,600
DOUG: 2 dead!
86
00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:31,100
And that's
how I found out
87
00:04:31,140 --> 00:04:33,440
I'm lactose
intolerant.
88
00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:36,270
That's... wild.
89
00:04:36,310 --> 00:04:37,940
DOUG: All right,
this next guy's a lefty!
90
00:04:37,980 --> 00:04:39,980
Cover the line!
He came your way last time,
91
00:04:40,030 --> 00:04:41,780
Mrs. Randolf!
92
00:04:43,150 --> 00:04:44,400
On top of that,
93
00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:46,780
now I'm allergic
to wheat.
94
00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:47,820
Oh.
95
00:04:47,870 --> 00:04:49,910
And you know
how much I love bread.
96
00:04:49,950 --> 00:04:52,790
Yep, that is your rep.
97
00:04:52,830 --> 00:04:55,290
Oh, it looks like we're
back out in the field.
98
00:04:55,330 --> 00:04:56,880
We'll pick this up
next inning.
99
00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:58,750
Absolutely. Okay.
100
00:04:58,790 --> 00:05:01,630
Unless I'm hiding
in the porta-potty.
101
00:05:01,670 --> 00:05:03,800
-Did you see that catch?
-Yes, I did.
102
00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:06,840
You are running around
like a lunatic out there.
103
00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:08,140
All right, come on.
I made my rounds,
104
00:05:08,180 --> 00:05:09,470
-we can go.
-What?
105
00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:11,560
You dragged me here,
now I'm having fun.
106
00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:15,230
Besides, we got a chance
of winning this thing.
107
00:05:15,270 --> 00:05:18,060
Doug, nobody cares about
this thing but you.
108
00:05:18,100 --> 00:05:19,480
For God's sake,
the shortstop
109
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,820
has a full plate
of chicken.
110
00:05:21,860 --> 00:05:23,440
Okay, see right there,
that's the difference
111
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:24,610
between you and I.
112
00:05:24,650 --> 00:05:26,320
When it comes
to picnic softball,
113
00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:28,740
you got nothing
in here.
114
00:05:28,780 --> 00:05:30,370
Excuse me.
115
00:05:30,410 --> 00:05:32,160
[SIGHS]
116
00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:35,960
While I'm up, would you
get me a plate of chicken?
117
00:05:59,310 --> 00:06:02,860
DOUG: Yeah! Wohoo!
118
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:06,700
WOMAN: Oh, my God.
119
00:06:11,830 --> 00:06:13,910
Yeah!
120
00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:21,670
Hey, babe, you ready
to hit El Cholo's?
121
00:06:21,710 --> 00:06:23,380
Uh, yes, we will eat,
122
00:06:23,420 --> 00:06:26,510
just as soon as you apologize
to Mr. Thompson.
123
00:06:26,550 --> 00:06:29,550
You lured me down here
with Mexican food?
124
00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:33,300
Yes. And once again,
it worked.
125
00:06:33,350 --> 00:06:34,510
Okay, here he comes.
126
00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:37,270
Uh, Mr. Thompson,
do you have a second?
127
00:06:37,310 --> 00:06:39,190
Doug, you remember
Mr. Thompson
128
00:06:39,230 --> 00:06:40,230
and Mr. Kaplan,
129
00:06:40,270 --> 00:06:41,350
one of
the senior partners.
130
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:42,980
Oh.
How you doing?
131
00:06:43,020 --> 00:06:45,480
-How's it going?
-Oh.
132
00:06:45,530 --> 00:06:47,780
-Hey.
-Hey.
133
00:06:48,650 --> 00:06:50,570
Yeah, Doug just wanted
to apologize
134
00:06:50,610 --> 00:06:52,240
for running into you
like that at the game.
135
00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:53,280
Right, honey?
136
00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:54,580
Yeah, I'm sorry
about that.
137
00:06:54,620 --> 00:06:55,740
I guess you won't be
blocking the plate
138
00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:57,500
next time, though,
will you?
139
00:06:57,540 --> 00:07:00,540
Oh, don't worry about it.
It's his own fault.
140
00:07:00,580 --> 00:07:03,000
That's what happens when
you let a corporate lawyer
141
00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:04,920
do a litigator's job.
142
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,170
[ALL LAUGHING]
143
00:07:09,590 --> 00:07:11,380
That is funny.
144
00:07:11,430 --> 00:07:13,390
Anyway, this is great.
Thank you so much.
145
00:07:13,430 --> 00:07:14,850
I like the way
you play, Doug.
146
00:07:14,890 --> 00:07:16,600
-I like your hustle.
-Really?
147
00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:18,770
Carrie, could you
grab us some coffee?
148
00:07:18,810 --> 00:07:21,020
Doug, do you
want some coffee?
149
00:07:21,060 --> 00:07:22,100
Sure.
150
00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:24,980
Honey, you know
how I like it.
151
00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:29,650
Sure. Be right back,
sweetie.
152
00:07:29,690 --> 00:07:32,610
You know,
our firm has a team.
153
00:07:32,660 --> 00:07:34,450
We play in
the Lawyers' League
154
00:07:34,490 --> 00:07:35,740
Saturdays in the park,
155
00:07:35,780 --> 00:07:38,950
and I am sick of getting
our heinies kicked.
156
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,500
How'd you like
to come play for us?
157
00:07:41,540 --> 00:07:42,960
I'm not a lawyer.
158
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,590
Well, nobody
has to know that.
159
00:07:45,630 --> 00:07:46,710
KAPLAN: Yeah!
160
00:07:46,750 --> 00:07:48,460
You get out there,
you fudge it.
161
00:07:48,510 --> 00:07:49,800
[LAUGHS]
162
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:52,380
You could do that for us,
couldn't you, Doug?
163
00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:55,300
Well, I do
like fudge.
164
00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:57,930
Excuse me, I really
don't think that's a good idea.
165
00:07:57,970 --> 00:07:59,970
Oh, I think
it's a great idea.
166
00:08:00,020 --> 00:08:02,810
Why am I not
drinking coffee?
167
00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:03,730
Right.
168
00:08:03,770 --> 00:08:04,850
So how would
this work, now?
169
00:08:04,900 --> 00:08:06,480
I just show up
at the ball field
170
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,480
carrying
a brief case?
171
00:08:08,530 --> 00:08:09,900
Oh, you're marvelous.
172
00:08:09,940 --> 00:08:12,490
No. You just tell them
you're new to the firm.
173
00:08:12,530 --> 00:08:13,700
We'll set you up
with a phone line here
174
00:08:13,740 --> 00:08:15,320
in case anybody calls.
175
00:08:15,370 --> 00:08:17,660
We'll have Carrie
answer the phone.
176
00:08:17,700 --> 00:08:19,450
Won't that be cute?
177
00:08:19,490 --> 00:08:21,710
If I can just offer
a thought here--
178
00:08:21,750 --> 00:08:23,460
You know
what my thought is?
179
00:08:23,500 --> 00:08:25,500
Bagels.
180
00:08:25,540 --> 00:08:27,840
Onion.
181
00:08:29,420 --> 00:08:31,760
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
182
00:08:38,260 --> 00:08:40,180
-Hey.
-Hey, Carrie.
183
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:42,430
ARTHUR:
Is that Deacon?
184
00:08:44,060 --> 00:08:46,730
I need a one-on-one
with you ASAP.
185
00:08:46,770 --> 00:08:48,980
Well, what is it?
186
00:08:49,020 --> 00:08:52,240
Not here.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
187
00:08:55,950 --> 00:08:57,910
So, slugger's wife,
188
00:08:57,950 --> 00:08:59,740
you want to apologize
to me now
189
00:08:59,780 --> 00:09:01,290
or later with interest?
190
00:09:01,330 --> 00:09:03,750
And by interest
I mean...
191
00:09:03,790 --> 00:09:07,290
Wah wah wah reowrrr.
192
00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:12,380
Stomach cramps?
193
00:09:12,420 --> 00:09:13,630
No. Sex.
194
00:09:13,670 --> 00:09:16,760
And which one of us
is making that noise?
195
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:19,300
Me, when you
do the wah...
196
00:09:20,220 --> 00:09:21,430
Never mind.
All right, the point is
197
00:09:21,470 --> 00:09:22,930
you have nothing to worry
about, all right?
198
00:09:22,970 --> 00:09:24,680
Your bosses love me.
I'm gonna be their ringer,
199
00:09:24,730 --> 00:09:25,730
for God's sake.
200
00:09:25,770 --> 00:09:27,020
Yeah, about that--
201
00:09:27,060 --> 00:09:28,900
-What?
-Um, look,
202
00:09:28,940 --> 00:09:30,940
I think you're a great
softball player.
203
00:09:30,980 --> 00:09:33,110
Okay, no doubt about that,
It's just this whole
204
00:09:33,150 --> 00:09:34,280
pretending to be
a lawyer thing.
205
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:35,900
I think we should
slip the pin
206
00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:39,200
back in the grenade
on that one.
207
00:09:39,910 --> 00:09:40,950
What are you
talking about?
208
00:09:40,990 --> 00:09:42,120
You don't think
I should play?
209
00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:44,660
No, I don't.
There's many ways
210
00:09:44,700 --> 00:09:46,250
this thing could go south,
and then all of sudden
211
00:09:46,290 --> 00:09:47,370
they don't
love you so much,
212
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:48,960
and then they
don't love me so much.
213
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:51,170
So what you're saying
is lawyer-wise,
214
00:09:51,210 --> 00:09:55,090
you don't think I have
enough convincibility.
215
00:09:56,220 --> 00:09:58,130
Convincibility?
216
00:09:58,180 --> 00:10:00,600
Okay, you're gonna
commit to that word?
217
00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:03,560
Shut up.
218
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:05,680
I can pass as a lawyer,
no problem.
219
00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:08,230
Doug, look, you can pass
as a lot of things, okay?
220
00:10:08,270 --> 00:10:11,480
Furnace guy, uh, roofer,
mall security,
221
00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:14,900
anything in the mall,
really, but lawyer?
222
00:10:14,940 --> 00:10:16,650
[IMITATES BUZZER]
223
00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:18,450
Oh, that's funny, 'cause
everybody at the firm
224
00:10:18,490 --> 00:10:20,570
seems to think I can
handle it just fine.
225
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,280
They're sending me a limo
for the freakin' games,
226
00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:24,160
and as I recall,
they've asked you
227
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:27,080
to answer my phone!
228
00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:28,540
If you don't
watch your step,
229
00:10:28,580 --> 00:10:30,630
you're gonna be making
your next pot of potatoes
230
00:10:30,670 --> 00:10:33,040
on the unemployment line.
231
00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:37,420
Not these, though.
I want these.
232
00:10:38,260 --> 00:10:39,470
ARTHUR: Take the check.
233
00:10:39,510 --> 00:10:40,550
-No.
-Please.
234
00:10:40,590 --> 00:10:41,550
I can't sleep.
235
00:10:41,590 --> 00:10:43,510
I was tossing
and turning all night.
236
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:45,060
My sheets are
soaked with sweat.
237
00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:46,180
-Feel them.
-No, that's all right.
238
00:10:46,220 --> 00:10:47,850
-Feel them!
-I believe you.
239
00:10:47,890 --> 00:10:49,390
Fine. I'll take
the money, okay?
240
00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:51,860
Thank you.
241
00:10:51,900 --> 00:10:55,030
Huh. $237.
242
00:10:55,070 --> 00:10:56,740
I think
that's a fair number.
243
00:10:56,780 --> 00:10:57,940
It's a little random.
244
00:10:57,990 --> 00:10:59,320
I mean, how'd you
come up with that?
245
00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:01,570
Simple. There were
12 slaves on the farm,
246
00:11:01,610 --> 00:11:04,530
but my great-grandfather
only owned half the farm.
247
00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:06,540
Of his 6,
2 lived in the house.
248
00:11:06,580 --> 00:11:09,620
Let's face it.
That's a sweet deal.
249
00:11:15,420 --> 00:11:17,880
Doug, we're gonna be
at the game in 10 minutes.
250
00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:21,180
Focus. Where did you
go to law school?
251
00:11:21,220 --> 00:11:22,680
Excuse me.
252
00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:24,390
Jeremy?
253
00:11:24,430 --> 00:11:25,760
Doug from the back again.
254
00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:28,350
Yeah, listen, can you goose up
the heat a bit?
255
00:11:28,390 --> 00:11:30,190
I'm a little tight.
256
00:11:30,230 --> 00:11:31,690
Thank you.
257
00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:35,400
You. Go.
258
00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:37,480
Where did you go to law school?
259
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,570
-I didn't. I was homeschooled.
-Doug, come on!
260
00:11:39,610 --> 00:11:41,320
You said you'd let me
coach you through this.
261
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:43,110
All right, fine.
If anybody asks,
262
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,330
I'll just say
I went to Stamford.
263
00:11:45,370 --> 00:11:48,370
I'm sorry did you just say
Stamford with an "M"?
264
00:11:48,410 --> 00:11:50,410
Yeah, Stamford Law School.
265
00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:52,250
Okay, the school
you're thinking of
266
00:11:52,290 --> 00:11:54,960
is Stanford,
with an "N."
267
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,210
No. It's Stamford.
268
00:11:56,250 --> 00:11:57,920
I know.
I delivered there.
269
00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,210
I've seen the sign.
270
00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:00,420
Okay, dumbass,
you're thinking
271
00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:02,930
of Stamford, Connecticut, okay?
272
00:12:02,970 --> 00:12:06,720
Stanford Law School
is in California.
273
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,060
You know what?
274
00:12:08,100 --> 00:12:10,270
I don't like all this
negativity before a game.
275
00:12:10,310 --> 00:12:12,980
It's disco time.
276
00:12:13,020 --> 00:12:15,150
SINGER:
*Do a little dance*
277
00:12:15,190 --> 00:12:17,110
*Make a little love*
278
00:12:17,150 --> 00:12:19,230
*Get down tonight*
279
00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,360
*Get down tonight*
280
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:23,570
*Do a little dance*
281
00:12:23,610 --> 00:12:25,450
*Make a little love*
282
00:12:25,490 --> 00:12:27,780
*Get down tonight*
283
00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:29,120
*Get down tonight*
284
00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:31,120
*Baby*
285
00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:33,580
How long you been
at Kaplan Hornstein?
286
00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,500
Actually,
I, uh, just started.
287
00:12:35,540 --> 00:12:36,790
Where were you
before that?
288
00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:41,880
I was over at Carson...
Daly...and Leibowitz.
289
00:12:51,390 --> 00:12:54,230
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
290
00:12:54,270 --> 00:12:56,810
Doug Heffernan's
office.
291
00:12:57,900 --> 00:13:00,440
No, Doug.
No messages.
292
00:13:12,370 --> 00:13:14,660
So the bailiff walks in,
he's like, "All rise".
293
00:13:14,710 --> 00:13:17,170
I'm like, "You know what, I
don't feel like rising today."
294
00:13:17,210 --> 00:13:18,290
And I didn't.
295
00:13:18,340 --> 00:13:20,500
[CHUCKLES] You're crazy,
Heffernan.
296
00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:21,920
You know me. I don't care.
297
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,510
*Do a little dance*
298
00:13:23,550 --> 00:13:25,880
* Make a little love *
299
00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:27,720
* Get down tonight *
300
00:13:28,550 --> 00:13:30,220
* Do a little dance *
301
00:13:30,260 --> 00:13:32,270
* Make a little love *
302
00:13:32,310 --> 00:13:34,310
* Get down tonight *
303
00:13:34,350 --> 00:13:36,940
* Get down tonight *
304
00:13:36,980 --> 00:13:39,360
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
305
00:13:42,070 --> 00:13:43,860
Doug Heffernan's office.
306
00:13:43,900 --> 00:13:47,530
Not loving the way
you're answering my phone.
307
00:13:47,570 --> 00:13:48,910
-I'm busy.
-I'm just saying
308
00:13:48,950 --> 00:13:50,780
you could be a little
friendly, aren't you?
309
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,040
Good afternoon.
310
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:54,000
Thank you for calling
Mr. Heffernan's office
311
00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:56,370
How may I assist you
today ?
312
00:13:56,410 --> 00:13:57,620
What do you want?
313
00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,080
Just checking to see
if I got any messages.
314
00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:01,750
For the 40th time,
no messages.
315
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:05,800
Not a whole lot of people
looking for a fake lawyer.
316
00:14:06,420 --> 00:14:09,300
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
317
00:14:09,340 --> 00:14:11,050
Honey, your other line
is ringing.
318
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:12,720
Be charming.
Use the good greeting.
319
00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:13,890
"Good afternoon"--
320
00:14:13,930 --> 00:14:16,350
Doug Heffernan's office.
321
00:14:16,390 --> 00:14:19,650
Uh, no, he's not in.
322
00:14:19,690 --> 00:14:22,110
Could you hold on
for one second, sir?
323
00:14:22,150 --> 00:14:23,400
Thanks so much.
324
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:25,440
-I gotta call you back.
-Wait. Who is it?
325
00:14:25,490 --> 00:14:27,400
Gary Rogers from
Epstein & Epstein.
326
00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:28,990
He's calling
to congratulate you
327
00:14:29,030 --> 00:14:30,320
on a great game
on Saturday.
328
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,280
Really?
Patch me through.
329
00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:33,740
No, I'm not going
to patch you through.
330
00:14:33,790 --> 00:14:36,250
-He's a senior partner.
-I can handle it.
331
00:14:36,290 --> 00:14:38,710
Do your job, and
you patch me through.
332
00:14:38,750 --> 00:14:40,500
Fine, but just
take the compliment,
333
00:14:40,540 --> 00:14:43,670
say "Thank you," and hang up
as fast as you can.
334
00:14:43,710 --> 00:14:45,960
[ALL LAUGHING]
335
00:14:47,170 --> 00:14:49,300
Oh, thanks for
joining us, Doug.
336
00:14:49,340 --> 00:14:50,930
Oh, thanks
for calling me.
337
00:14:50,970 --> 00:14:53,850
Nothing like a good mar-tooni
after a tough day at...
338
00:14:53,890 --> 00:14:55,600
law.
339
00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:56,520
I hear that.
340
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:57,850
It does get
to be a grind.
341
00:14:57,890 --> 00:14:59,140
Yes, it do, but...
342
00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:01,230
I wouldn't trade it
for anything in the world.
343
00:15:01,270 --> 00:15:03,440
Oh, you love your work, huh?
344
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:06,570
I do. I really do.
345
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:14,240
In a lot of ways,
uh--ahem--
346
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:15,490
being a lawyer,
347
00:15:15,540 --> 00:15:18,500
which I think we can
agree we all are...
348
00:15:19,870 --> 00:15:20,790
is a lot like, uh,
349
00:15:20,830 --> 00:15:23,750
being a package
delivery guy.
350
00:15:24,500 --> 00:15:26,550
How so, Doug?
351
00:15:26,590 --> 00:15:29,380
Oh, uh, well, you...
knock on doors,
352
00:15:29,420 --> 00:15:32,510
and you hope you don't
get bit by a dog.
353
00:15:32,550 --> 00:15:35,100
Sounds like you've been
in front of Judge Farnsworth.
354
00:15:35,140 --> 00:15:36,310
-[LAUGHS]
-[LAUGHS]
355
00:15:36,350 --> 00:15:37,310
Good old Farnsworth.
356
00:15:37,350 --> 00:15:38,810
Hey, Farnsie!
357
00:15:38,850 --> 00:15:41,100
[ALL LAUGHING]
358
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:48,490
Oh, anyway, Doug,
let me cut to the chase.
359
00:15:48,530 --> 00:15:49,990
We want to know
if you have any interest
360
00:15:50,030 --> 00:15:53,740
in coming over to Epstein,
Epstein, Rogers & Wolf.
361
00:15:53,780 --> 00:15:55,530
To do what?
362
00:15:56,870 --> 00:15:59,120
I don't know.
Corporate litigation?
363
00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:00,500
We'll find
a place for you,
364
00:16:00,540 --> 00:16:04,500
as long as you bring that big
bat of yours with you.
365
00:16:04,540 --> 00:16:07,920
So, what's Kaplan
paying you over there?
366
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:11,510
Oh, I--I get
the going rate...
367
00:16:11,550 --> 00:16:16,470
and an extra $10
for each conviction.
368
00:16:16,510 --> 00:16:20,390
Well, I'm prepared to offer you
a base of 150,000.
369
00:16:20,430 --> 00:16:22,480
What do you say?
370
00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:37,870
Hey, guys.
371
00:16:37,910 --> 00:16:39,410
Why are you
wearing a suit?
372
00:16:39,450 --> 00:16:41,330
What'd you do?
373
00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:44,870
Nothing. Just had
a little power lunch
374
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:47,750
with the boys over at Epstein,
Epstein, Rogers and...
375
00:16:47,790 --> 00:16:49,750
-Wolf?
-Bingo.
376
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:51,010
You had lunch with them?
377
00:16:51,050 --> 00:16:53,970
I told you just to say
thank you and hang up!
378
00:16:54,010 --> 00:16:55,430
Well, I tried,
but then they asked me
379
00:16:55,470 --> 00:16:56,890
if I enjoyed
a good steak,
380
00:16:56,930 --> 00:16:59,970
to which I responded,
"I carry my own knife."
381
00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:01,930
Well, what the hell
did you talk about?
382
00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:04,810
Well, first,
we talked about our kids--
383
00:17:04,850 --> 00:17:07,860
by the way,
if it comes up, we have 2.
384
00:17:09,150 --> 00:17:12,400
And then--well, then
they offered me a job.
385
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:13,490
What?
386
00:17:13,530 --> 00:17:14,700
Don't worry.
I'll bring you over with me,
387
00:17:14,740 --> 00:17:16,950
you know,
once I get settled.
388
00:17:16,990 --> 00:17:18,620
You took the job?
389
00:17:18,660 --> 00:17:20,620
Well, not yet,
but I'm mulling it over.
390
00:17:20,660 --> 00:17:22,870
Congratulations,
Douglas.
391
00:17:24,620 --> 00:17:26,000
He's not a lawyer.
392
00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:27,130
You're not a lawyer.
393
00:17:27,170 --> 00:17:28,290
Really? Why
don't you tell that
394
00:17:28,340 --> 00:17:30,000
to the 2 firms
currently wooing me?
395
00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:31,960
My God.
Are you insane?
396
00:17:32,010 --> 00:17:33,630
The man
just made lawyer.
397
00:17:33,670 --> 00:17:36,590
Why do you have
to piss all over it?
398
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:39,050
I'll tell you why.
'cause that's what she does.
399
00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:40,470
Ever since
this whole thing started,
400
00:17:40,510 --> 00:17:41,720
she's been
knocking me down.
401
00:17:41,770 --> 00:17:43,140
As far as
I'm concerned,
402
00:17:43,180 --> 00:17:45,230
if they hire him
as a lawyer, he's a lawyer.
403
00:17:45,270 --> 00:17:47,400
When I got hired
as a school psychologist,
404
00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:49,060
Do you think I knew
the first thing about it?
405
00:17:49,110 --> 00:17:51,860
-Thank you.
-Thankyou.
406
00:17:53,570 --> 00:17:55,110
Well, thank you
very much, Dad.
407
00:17:55,150 --> 00:17:56,700
Could you--what?
Could you move this crap?
408
00:17:56,740 --> 00:17:57,860
What is this?
409
00:17:57,910 --> 00:18:00,160
That's
my ancestry report.
410
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:01,700
This isn't
even for you.
411
00:18:01,740 --> 00:18:05,080
This is
for Arthur Spinner.
412
00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,090
Deacon, thank you for the ride
to the senior center.
413
00:18:11,130 --> 00:18:12,380
You drive wonderfully.
414
00:18:12,420 --> 00:18:13,920
You're welcome,
and by the way,
415
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,260
with that money
you gave me,
416
00:18:15,300 --> 00:18:17,010
I put some sweet new
speakers in my car.
417
00:18:17,050 --> 00:18:18,890
-Here. Check it out.
-[R & B MUSIC PLAYING]
418
00:18:18,930 --> 00:18:20,720
Marvelous. Very rhythmic.
419
00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:22,930
That being said,
420
00:18:22,970 --> 00:18:25,520
you'll have
to return them.
421
00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:26,940
What?
422
00:18:26,980 --> 00:18:29,230
I got the wrong
ancestry report.
423
00:18:29,270 --> 00:18:31,440
My family were
actually Irish Gypsies.
424
00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:35,440
We never owned slaves.
We were drunken thieves.
425
00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:37,110
So?
426
00:18:37,150 --> 00:18:40,030
So I want
my money back.
427
00:18:40,070 --> 00:18:41,410
Look, you forced me
to take the money
428
00:18:41,450 --> 00:18:43,160
in the first place.
I bought speakers.
429
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:44,330
They're now part of my car.
430
00:18:44,370 --> 00:18:45,830
I'm not giving you
your money back.
431
00:18:45,870 --> 00:18:47,040
Well, I think you are!
432
00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:49,210
-Oh, I think I'm not!
-Damn it, man!
433
00:18:49,250 --> 00:18:51,250
You took those reparations
under false pretenses.
434
00:18:51,290 --> 00:18:52,750
No, I took
those reparations
435
00:18:52,790 --> 00:18:55,590
to get the hell
out of your basement.
436
00:18:55,630 --> 00:18:57,050
[SIGHS]
437
00:18:57,090 --> 00:18:59,720
Look, Arthur, I'd give
you your money back
438
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:00,970
if I could,
but I'm sorry.
439
00:19:01,010 --> 00:19:03,930
I just don't have
the cash right now.
440
00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:06,430
Well, what about this?
441
00:19:06,470 --> 00:19:10,230
In lieu of cash,
maybe you can pay me back
442
00:19:10,270 --> 00:19:13,980
in some type of... services.
443
00:19:14,690 --> 00:19:16,070
Huh?
444
00:19:16,110 --> 00:19:17,570
You know, help out
around the house.
445
00:19:17,610 --> 00:19:19,570
Perhaps...
446
00:19:19,610 --> 00:19:22,200
work the yard a bit.
447
00:19:26,330 --> 00:19:29,660
You want me
to be your slave?
448
00:19:31,290 --> 00:19:32,460
It's not my first choice,
449
00:19:32,500 --> 00:19:36,050
but it would get us
out of this mess.
450
00:19:42,300 --> 00:19:44,720
Hey. Did you talk
to Rogers?
451
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:45,930
Did you tell him
no yet?
452
00:19:45,970 --> 00:19:47,470
No, I haven't
talked to him yet.
453
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:48,770
I'm still mulling.
454
00:19:48,810 --> 00:19:51,730
And you're
still not a lawyer.
455
00:20:00,110 --> 00:20:03,320
I'd be
an awesome lawyer.
456
00:20:05,330 --> 00:20:06,700
Oh!
457
00:20:07,910 --> 00:20:11,410
[L.A. LAW THEME PLAYING]
458
00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:24,680
[NO AUDIO]
459
00:20:48,540 --> 00:20:50,700
Oh, God!
460
00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:53,370
Oh, that is not good!
461
00:20:55,670 --> 00:20:59,170
Boy, they sure yanked that
limo pretty quick, huh?
462
00:21:01,420 --> 00:21:03,430
Shamahama!
463
00:21:05,510 --> 00:21:07,760
[**]
32184
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