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1
00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:06,420
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
2
00:00:06,460 --> 00:00:07,420
Hello.
3
00:00:07,460 --> 00:00:08,710
DOUG: Oh, hey, Arthur.
It's me, Doug.
4
00:00:08,750 --> 00:00:10,050
What can I
do you for?
5
00:00:10,090 --> 00:00:11,170
DOUG: Actually, I just
called to check
6
00:00:11,210 --> 00:00:12,380
the messages
off of the machine.
7
00:00:12,420 --> 00:00:13,630
So just hang up
and I'll call right back.
8
00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:16,180
-Gotcha.
-DOUG [OVER PHONE]:Okay.
9
00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:23,140
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
10
00:00:23,890 --> 00:00:25,400
Hello.
11
00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:28,480
Arthur, didn't I just
ask you not to pick up?
12
00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:29,900
No. You said
I should hang up
13
00:00:29,940 --> 00:00:32,360
and you'd call
right back.
14
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:35,030
Okay, what I meant was I wanted
the machine to get it, not you.
15
00:00:35,070 --> 00:00:37,030
I'm trying to check
my messages.
16
00:00:37,070 --> 00:00:38,490
You want me
to just check 'em for you?
17
00:00:38,530 --> 00:00:40,410
DOUG: No, no. Thank you. No.
Last time you did that
18
00:00:40,450 --> 00:00:43,870
you erased all the messages
and our outgoing messages
19
00:00:43,910 --> 00:00:46,250
and unplugged the lamp.
20
00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:48,540
Just let it ring, okay?
21
00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:51,380
It's your world,
I just live in it.
22
00:00:55,340 --> 00:00:57,890
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
23
00:00:57,930 --> 00:00:59,100
Yellow?
24
00:00:59,140 --> 00:01:00,890
Arthur, what did I just say?
25
00:01:00,930 --> 00:01:02,350
I'm sorry, it's habit.
26
00:01:02,390 --> 00:01:03,600
Well, do me a favor, break the
habit.
27
00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:05,730
I'm runnin' out of freakin'
change here!
28
00:01:05,770 --> 00:01:07,190
Fine.
29
00:01:15,820 --> 00:01:17,200
Hello?
30
00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:19,780
Arthur, what is this, some kind
of sick little joke?
31
00:01:19,820 --> 00:01:22,700
I'm sorry, I've been answering
the phone my whole life.
32
00:01:22,740 --> 00:01:27,290
You're asking me to undo 75
years of instinct in a moment.
33
00:01:27,330 --> 00:01:29,250
That is not easy!
34
00:01:29,290 --> 00:01:30,630
Just don't pick up.
35
00:01:30,670 --> 00:01:33,250
Fine, I'm going
downstairs to lie down.
36
00:01:33,300 --> 00:01:34,800
Well, thank you.
37
00:01:42,970 --> 00:01:44,270
Yellow.
38
00:01:44,310 --> 00:01:46,310
-Arthur!
-Oh, God!
39
00:01:46,350 --> 00:01:48,230
DOUG [OVER PHONE]:What thehell is going on in your head
40
00:01:48,270 --> 00:01:49,350
that you keep doing this?!
41
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:50,860
I need to understand!
42
00:01:50,900 --> 00:01:54,400
SINGER: *My eyesare gettin' weary*
43
00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:57,110
*My back is gettin' tight*
44
00:01:57,150 --> 00:01:58,780
*I'm sittin' herein traffic*
45
00:01:58,820 --> 00:02:01,620
*On the Queensboro Bridgetonight*
46
00:02:01,660 --> 00:02:07,460
*But I don't care,'cause all I want to do*
47
00:02:07,500 --> 00:02:12,250
*Is cash my check and driveright home to you*
48
00:02:13,170 --> 00:02:14,630
*'Cause, baby, all my life*
49
00:02:14,670 --> 00:02:19,880
*I will be drivin' hometo you*
50
00:02:26,890 --> 00:02:28,690
CARRIE:Baby, you ready?
51
00:02:30,310 --> 00:02:32,360
Let's hit it.
52
00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:33,690
Cowboy boots?
53
00:02:33,730 --> 00:02:35,690
That's right, ma'am.
54
00:02:35,730 --> 00:02:37,530
So, what, you gonna
go rope yourself
55
00:02:37,570 --> 00:02:39,110
a meatball sandwich?
56
00:02:39,150 --> 00:02:42,070
I like 'em, plus they
were on sale at Thom Mcan.
57
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:43,950
Honey, just because
something is on sale,
58
00:02:43,990 --> 00:02:45,450
doesn't mean
you have to buy it.
59
00:02:45,490 --> 00:02:47,080
We discussed this
when you came home
60
00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:49,160
with the microscope.
61
00:02:49,210 --> 00:02:50,790
Now, go on.
Go change.
62
00:02:50,830 --> 00:02:52,960
Fine, I'll change,
but not 'cause of you.
63
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:55,340
Only 'cause they hurt
like hell.
64
00:02:56,460 --> 00:02:59,340
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
65
00:03:00,510 --> 00:03:02,050
-Hello?
-Hey, it's me.
66
00:03:02,090 --> 00:03:03,470
CARRIE: Oh, hey, Kel,
we were just about out the door.
67
00:03:03,510 --> 00:03:05,180
-What's up?
-I'm glad I caught you.
68
00:03:05,220 --> 00:03:07,060
We're going to have
to cancel on you tonight.
69
00:03:07,100 --> 00:03:07,970
Oh, why?
70
00:03:08,020 --> 00:03:10,270
Deacon has to work late
again.
71
00:03:10,310 --> 00:03:11,560
Oh, that's crappy.
72
00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:12,690
Well, how about we
do something tomorrow?
73
00:03:12,730 --> 00:03:14,190
What about brunch
over here?
74
00:03:14,230 --> 00:03:16,690
-I'll see you then. Bye.
-CARRIE: Okay, honey. Bye.
75
00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:18,900
All right,
got my sneakers on.
76
00:03:18,940 --> 00:03:22,570
The spotlight's back
on you now. Happy?
77
00:03:22,610 --> 00:03:23,910
Kelly just called
and canceled.
78
00:03:23,950 --> 00:03:26,160
Deacon has to work
late tonight.
79
00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:28,240
Really?
80
00:03:28,290 --> 00:03:29,250
Hmm.
81
00:03:29,290 --> 00:03:30,910
So you wanna
just do take-out?
82
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,420
All right.
How about Italian?
83
00:03:32,460 --> 00:03:33,790
CARRIE: Honey, how about
we do Chinese?
84
00:03:33,830 --> 00:03:35,880
Do you wanna try that new place,
Tung Shing House?
85
00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:38,250
You had me at Tung.
86
00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:46,680
Hi, how you doin'?
My wife called in an order.
87
00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:49,310
[BRITISH ACCENT]
What is your last name?
88
00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:52,890
Hello, sir.
89
00:03:52,940 --> 00:03:54,810
I'm sorry. You just...
90
00:03:54,850 --> 00:03:57,270
you threw me with
the British thing there.
91
00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:58,610
I grew up in Hong Kong.
92
00:03:58,650 --> 00:04:00,610
I apologize if I'm not
ethnic enough for you.
93
00:04:00,650 --> 00:04:02,450
Would you like me
to chink it up a little?
94
00:04:02,490 --> 00:04:04,280
Che-chi-cho-
chee-chee-chi-cho.
95
00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:05,370
No, no, no, no, no.
96
00:04:05,410 --> 00:04:07,200
Please, it's no bother.
I'd love to.
97
00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:09,620
-Hoy chee guy ko lee may nai--
-No, no, no, no!
98
00:04:09,660 --> 00:04:11,500
My name's Heffernan.
It's right there.
99
00:04:11,540 --> 00:04:12,580
18.50.
100
00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:14,420
Okay.
101
00:04:14,460 --> 00:04:15,670
It'll be ready
in a moment.
102
00:04:15,710 --> 00:04:17,210
All right.
103
00:04:19,130 --> 00:04:20,670
Thanks.
104
00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:39,270
Hey, man!
105
00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:40,360
Hey!
106
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:41,440
Hey.
107
00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:42,990
What's going on there,
chiefy?
108
00:04:43,030 --> 00:04:44,530
Nothing much.
Just, uh...
109
00:04:44,570 --> 00:04:45,910
just having
some dinner.
110
00:04:45,950 --> 00:04:49,830
Dinner. Big fan. No secret
there, though, huh?
111
00:04:49,870 --> 00:04:51,660
DEACON: Right, right.
112
00:04:51,700 --> 00:04:54,210
So I thought you were--
who's your friend here?
113
00:04:55,210 --> 00:04:56,460
Doug, this is Angie.
114
00:04:56,500 --> 00:04:57,710
Hi. How you doing?
115
00:04:57,750 --> 00:04:58,880
Nice to meet you.
116
00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:01,000
Deacon's told me
a lot about you.
117
00:05:01,050 --> 00:05:02,340
Has he? 'Cause, uh...
118
00:05:02,380 --> 00:05:04,880
he hasn't told me
that much about--hmm?
119
00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:06,760
Oh, gosh. I guess
my order's ready.
120
00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,850
Okay, uh, I guess
I will see you tomorrow.
121
00:05:09,890 --> 00:05:11,390
I will see you
whenever or not.
122
00:05:11,430 --> 00:05:13,850
Either way, it was a plea--
okay, I'm coming, okay?
123
00:05:13,890 --> 00:05:16,270
I got to go.
All right.
124
00:05:20,570 --> 00:05:22,030
I know this looks
a little weird.
125
00:05:22,070 --> 00:05:24,070
No, no, no. You're just
pretending to work late
126
00:05:24,110 --> 00:05:25,450
to meet with your lovely
vacation planner because
127
00:05:25,490 --> 00:05:28,110
you're going to surprise
Kelly with a trip to Oahu.
128
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:28,820
No.
129
00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:30,080
-No.
-Puerto Rico?
130
00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:31,410
Amish Country?
Give me Amish Country.
131
00:05:31,450 --> 00:05:33,200
No, man, no.
132
00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:34,910
Then what?
133
00:05:34,950 --> 00:05:36,830
It's what it
looks like, all right?
134
00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:38,120
I can't believe this, man.
135
00:05:38,170 --> 00:05:39,830
JOE: Hey, American G.I.,
your "a" number one
136
00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:42,800
good time order ready.
137
00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:45,340
That's enough of that, okay?
I get it.
138
00:05:45,380 --> 00:05:46,880
Look, I should get back.
139
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:48,300
Just be cool about this,
140
00:05:48,340 --> 00:05:50,390
and I promise
we'll talk tomorrow, okay?
141
00:05:50,430 --> 00:05:52,310
We'll talk tomorrow.
142
00:05:55,770 --> 00:05:58,770
You call this
a family restaurant.
143
00:06:02,070 --> 00:06:03,650
ARTHUR: So I looked her
square in the eyes
144
00:06:03,690 --> 00:06:06,400
and said, "Ma'am,
you are undoubtedly
145
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:10,410
the most fetching woman
in all of Shreveport."
146
00:06:10,450 --> 00:06:11,950
And what did she say?
147
00:06:11,990 --> 00:06:16,080
My good sir, I do believe
you've given me the vapors.
148
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:19,750
Nice. Then what happened?
149
00:06:19,790 --> 00:06:21,290
I knocked the barbecue
out of her hand,
150
00:06:21,330 --> 00:06:22,960
bent her over
the porch railing,
151
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,420
and said, "I'll give you
more than vapors, you--"
152
00:06:25,460 --> 00:06:27,420
CARRIE: Okay, enough.
153
00:06:31,140 --> 00:06:33,930
Charming story
gone very wrong.
154
00:06:35,310 --> 00:06:38,310
What's going on
with you two over there?
155
00:06:38,350 --> 00:06:39,190
I'm fine.
156
00:06:39,230 --> 00:06:40,690
You haven't eaten
a thing.
157
00:06:40,730 --> 00:06:41,900
Yeah, you know what?
158
00:06:41,940 --> 00:06:43,190
I'm really not--
I'm not hungry.
159
00:06:43,230 --> 00:06:44,940
What?
160
00:06:47,150 --> 00:06:48,780
I'm not hungry.
That allowed?
161
00:06:48,820 --> 00:06:49,950
It's allowed.
162
00:06:49,990 --> 00:06:52,700
I've just never
heard you say it.
163
00:06:52,740 --> 00:06:53,910
Well, what's your story?
164
00:06:53,950 --> 00:06:57,120
Uh, nothing.
Just tired.
165
00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:59,080
If you could tell
your boss maybe one time
166
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:00,580
you can't work late.
167
00:07:00,620 --> 00:07:02,290
It doesn't work
that way.
168
00:07:02,330 --> 00:07:04,290
KELLY: Well, why is it
always you that has to stay?
169
00:07:04,340 --> 00:07:05,460
How should I know?
170
00:07:05,500 --> 00:07:07,420
Well, I'd say it's
pretty damn clear why.
171
00:07:07,460 --> 00:07:12,090
You got some crap work,
give it to the colored guy.
172
00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:14,550
Arthur, there's nothing
going on at work. Now drop it.
173
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:16,220
Sure. Why not drop it?
174
00:07:16,260 --> 00:07:17,850
By the way,
how's the weather
175
00:07:17,890 --> 00:07:21,520
in the town of young,
white male-ville, huh?
176
00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:23,860
For God's sakes,
everyone has to work late.
177
00:07:23,900 --> 00:07:25,690
I work late all the time.
178
00:07:25,730 --> 00:07:26,730
No, you don't.
179
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:27,780
Sure, I do.
180
00:07:27,820 --> 00:07:30,070
When?
181
00:07:30,110 --> 00:07:33,320
Actually, I have to work
late this coming Thursday.
182
00:07:33,370 --> 00:07:35,080
Now, can we please,
in the sweet name
183
00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:37,160
of all that is holy,
talk about something else?
184
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:38,700
Arthur, you were saying,
the story. You had her
185
00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:40,500
bent over the railing.
Then what happened?
186
00:07:40,540 --> 00:07:42,460
No, no, no.
Wait a second.
187
00:07:42,500 --> 00:07:45,840
I thought you had Knicks
tickets for Thursday.
188
00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:48,170
I do. I guess I just
won't be able to use them.
189
00:07:48,210 --> 00:07:50,420
ARTHUR: Can I have 'em?
190
00:07:51,510 --> 00:07:52,840
Yes, you may.
191
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:54,140
Sweet diggedy!
192
00:07:54,180 --> 00:07:56,640
Oh, crap. Honey,
would you do me a favor
193
00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:58,140
and grab me
a sponge?
194
00:07:58,180 --> 00:07:59,770
Yeah. You know what, Deac.
Why don't you give me a hand
195
00:07:59,810 --> 00:08:03,350
in case the sponge is...
up high.
196
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,060
You got it.
197
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,030
All right, you said you'd talk
to me today, so talk to me.
198
00:08:10,070 --> 00:08:11,320
What's up?
What's going on?
199
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:13,150
Angie's an old friend
from high school.
200
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:15,320
I hadn't seen her since,
but then she e-mailed me
201
00:08:15,370 --> 00:08:16,660
a couple months ago, you know?
202
00:08:16,700 --> 00:08:18,200
"How you doing?
What's going on?"
203
00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:21,370
I e-mailed her back, and things
kind of took off from there.
204
00:08:21,410 --> 00:08:23,710
What did you go
and e-mail her back for?
205
00:08:23,750 --> 00:08:26,130
There are plenty of other things
to do on the internet.
206
00:08:26,170 --> 00:08:30,050
You got your gambling,
your porn...
207
00:08:30,090 --> 00:08:32,380
all the other stuff.
208
00:08:32,420 --> 00:08:34,430
It's just that...
209
00:08:36,260 --> 00:08:40,060
Angie and I really connect,
you know? We can talk.
210
00:08:40,100 --> 00:08:42,930
With Kelly lately, she's got
her things going on,
211
00:08:42,980 --> 00:08:44,940
I got my things,
and more and more
212
00:08:44,980 --> 00:08:46,560
it just seems like
our things are different.
213
00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:48,690
Just put your things that are
different together,
214
00:08:48,730 --> 00:08:49,940
they did it with the Reese's
Peanut Butter Cup,
215
00:08:49,980 --> 00:08:52,320
and it was a huge success.
216
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:54,570
-Douglas, quick question.
-What is it, Arthur?
217
00:08:54,610 --> 00:08:56,240
Can I grab those Knick tickets
from you now?
218
00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:58,240
You know what,
I'll give 'em to you later.
219
00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:00,580
What if I don't see you later?
220
00:09:00,620 --> 00:09:01,660
You live in our basement,
221
00:09:01,700 --> 00:09:03,410
I will see you.
222
00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:04,620
Give me a time!
223
00:09:04,660 --> 00:09:06,000
Oh... three.
224
00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:08,080
AM or PM?
225
00:09:08,130 --> 00:09:11,090
If it's AM, I need to move some
things around.
226
00:09:11,130 --> 00:09:12,840
Will you just leave us alone?
227
00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:14,970
Fine!
228
00:09:16,300 --> 00:09:17,970
-Why didn't you tell me?
-I haven't told anyone.
229
00:09:18,010 --> 00:09:20,930
I'm not exactly proud of it.
230
00:09:20,970 --> 00:09:22,600
Doug, honey, I think
you misunderstood.
231
00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:25,890
I meant the indoor sponge,
not the outdoor sponge.
232
00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:28,770
I was just talking
to Deac about my, uh...
233
00:09:28,810 --> 00:09:30,940
Roy Orbison
collectible plate.
234
00:09:30,980 --> 00:09:32,440
DEACON: Yeah, yeah.
235
00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:36,530
Doug was saying how it may
or may not increase in value.
236
00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:39,910
I hope it increases.
237
00:09:39,950 --> 00:09:41,950
All right, well, my ears
are about to snap off.
238
00:09:41,990 --> 00:09:43,240
I'm going
to head back inside.
239
00:09:43,290 --> 00:09:46,120
Honey, you're getting
a snotsicle.
240
00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:49,750
Look, we better
get back in there.
241
00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:51,750
Look, I hate to put you
in this position, man,
242
00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:55,220
but please, just be cool for
a little while longer, okay?
243
00:09:55,260 --> 00:09:58,300
All right. Look, I got ranger
tickets for next month.
244
00:09:58,340 --> 00:10:00,470
Don't blow that for me.
245
00:10:04,060 --> 00:10:06,180
All right, you guys,
Thanks again. It was great.
246
00:10:06,230 --> 00:10:07,940
Hey, let's do
a movie this week.
247
00:10:07,980 --> 00:10:08,980
Yeah, I'll call you.
248
00:10:09,020 --> 00:10:11,060
Okay. Whoo! Good people.
249
00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:12,480
Nice people.
250
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:15,150
Solid people.
251
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:19,240
Doug, honey,
do I strike you as stupid
252
00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:21,450
and/or unaware?
253
00:10:21,490 --> 00:10:25,000
Nope. You are sharp
as a ginsu, pretty girl.
254
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:26,830
So then what's going on?
255
00:10:26,870 --> 00:10:28,750
Not a thing.
256
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:33,750
Are you enjoying
that issue ofMarie Claire?
257
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:34,920
Yes, I am.
258
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,840
By the way, I know
you're staring at me,
259
00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:39,630
and it doesn't
bother me a bit.
260
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:42,640
Stare all you want.
There's nothing going on.
261
00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:45,810
In fact, what's
going on with you?
262
00:10:45,850 --> 00:10:48,230
Yeah, maybe there's something
going on with you.
263
00:10:48,270 --> 00:10:49,520
Maybe I should stare
right back at you.
264
00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:51,270
How would that feel, huh?
265
00:10:51,310 --> 00:10:52,770
Mrrrr.
266
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:01,110
Eyes off!
267
00:11:02,780 --> 00:11:04,080
All right,
so let me think about this.
268
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:06,490
You've been acting strange
ever since you came home
269
00:11:06,540 --> 00:11:07,750
from the restaurant
last night.
270
00:11:07,790 --> 00:11:11,420
Did--did something
happen there?
271
00:11:11,460 --> 00:11:14,920
Maybe, but I'm not
at liberty to discuss it.
272
00:11:15,750 --> 00:11:17,210
Did what happen
involve Deacon?
273
00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:21,050
because you guys have been
acting very weird this morning.
274
00:11:21,090 --> 00:11:24,800
Perhaps, but once again,
not at liberty.
275
00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:27,600
You just got
those Knicks tickets,
276
00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:30,480
so I know you're
not really working late.
277
00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:32,980
Was Deacon really
working late last night,
278
00:11:33,020 --> 00:11:35,270
or were you, like,
covering for him?
279
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,320
Okay, do you
understand the concept
280
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,240
of "not at liberty"?
281
00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:41,200
If you called liberty
right now,
282
00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:43,660
I wouldn't be there.
283
00:11:43,700 --> 00:11:45,530
When you picked up
the food last night,
284
00:11:45,580 --> 00:11:47,580
did you see Deacon there?
285
00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:50,000
With another woman?
286
00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:53,670
Yes, but that's all
you're getting out of me.
287
00:11:53,710 --> 00:11:56,630
Oh, my God.
He's having an affair?!
288
00:11:56,670 --> 00:11:58,960
You did not hear that from me,
okay? If it ever comes up,
289
00:11:59,010 --> 00:12:02,680
you heard it from
a British Chinese guy.
290
00:12:03,510 --> 00:12:06,140
Kelly is gonna be
so devastated.
291
00:12:06,180 --> 00:12:09,100
Oh, you're not planning
on telling Kelly?
292
00:12:09,140 --> 00:12:11,980
Doug, the man is running
around behind her back.
293
00:12:12,020 --> 00:12:13,850
She has a right to know.
She's my best friend.
294
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:15,520
Well, he's my best friend,
and I already promised
295
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,650
-I wouldn't say anything.
-Well, tough! Doug,
296
00:12:17,690 --> 00:12:19,030
I can't look her in the eyes
and not tell her.
297
00:12:19,070 --> 00:12:20,690
So don't look at her eyes.
Look at her breasts.
298
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,860
That's what I do!
299
00:12:24,070 --> 00:12:24,990
Doug, listen to me.
300
00:12:25,030 --> 00:12:26,870
Hon, I know
this is tough on you,
301
00:12:26,910 --> 00:12:28,330
but it's tough on me, too.
302
00:12:28,370 --> 00:12:30,370
I'm sorry. If Deacon
doesn't tell Kelly,
303
00:12:30,410 --> 00:12:33,120
I'm gonna have to.
304
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:35,500
There you are.
Look, we need to talk.
305
00:12:35,540 --> 00:12:37,380
Yeah, I kinda need
to talk to you, too.
306
00:12:37,420 --> 00:12:38,500
What's up?
307
00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:40,050
Man, I couldn't even
sleep last night.
308
00:12:40,090 --> 00:12:42,800
I don't know, man,
I just feel like I really--
309
00:12:44,130 --> 00:12:45,640
Hey, Bergin, why don't you go
take that dog
310
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:46,680
for a walk, huh?
311
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:49,390
Yeah, good-bye.
Good-bye.
312
00:12:49,430 --> 00:12:50,680
All right, go ahead.
313
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:52,680
I--I just feel like
I screwed up so bad, man.
314
00:12:52,730 --> 00:12:54,230
And now I'm dragging
you into this.
315
00:12:54,270 --> 00:12:55,980
And hey, I'm gonna pay you for
those knick tickets, all right?
316
00:12:56,020 --> 00:12:57,860
You shut up. Come on. You think
I care about those, huh?
317
00:12:57,900 --> 00:12:59,360
They were a gift
from Carrie's boss.
318
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:00,530
Right. Sorry.
319
00:13:00,570 --> 00:13:02,190
Although they're worth
like, $160.
320
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:03,900
So if you want to toss me
something, that's your call.
321
00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:05,360
Whatever.
322
00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:08,620
I gotta tell you I did a lot
of thinking last night, and--
323
00:13:12,620 --> 00:13:14,910
All right,
let's go over there.
324
00:13:16,540 --> 00:13:17,880
And what?
325
00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:20,460
I'm definitely gonna break
things off with Angie.
326
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:21,670
Excellent idea.
That's it, man.
327
00:13:21,710 --> 00:13:23,300
You break things off
with Angie.
328
00:13:23,340 --> 00:13:25,720
You tell Kelly, and everything's
back to ham and eggs.
329
00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:28,220
Tell Kelly? Uh-uh.
No, no, no. No way, man.
330
00:13:28,260 --> 00:13:30,260
Why not? I think
you're gonna be surprised.
331
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:31,770
She has very kind eyes.
332
00:13:31,810 --> 00:13:33,640
Yo, she's hit me
with a frying pan,
333
00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:35,390
and it ain't like
in cartoons, man.
334
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:36,810
That sucker hurts.
335
00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:38,440
You know what?
Let me come at this
336
00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:40,230
from a slightly
different angle.
337
00:13:40,270 --> 00:13:42,320
Carrie knows, and if you don't
tell Kelly, she will.
338
00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:43,320
You told Carrie?!
339
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:45,070
I can't believe you,
man!
340
00:13:45,110 --> 00:13:47,410
I didn't tell her.
She got it out of me.
341
00:13:47,450 --> 00:13:48,410
How, Doug?
342
00:13:48,450 --> 00:13:49,950
She stared at me.
343
00:13:49,990 --> 00:13:52,240
You know, you just couldn't
keep your mouth shut, could you?
344
00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:53,500
You know what you are?
345
00:13:53,540 --> 00:13:54,910
-You're a yenteh.
-I am not a yenteh.
346
00:13:54,950 --> 00:13:56,080
Yes, you are--yenteh, yenteh,
yenteh, yenteh.
347
00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:57,540
Hey, why are you
giving me grief?!
348
00:13:57,580 --> 00:13:58,830
You're the one
who's sleeping around
349
00:13:58,880 --> 00:13:59,920
with someone else
who's not your wife!
350
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:01,460
What are you talking about?!
351
00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:02,590
I never slept with Angie.
352
00:14:02,630 --> 00:14:04,800
-What?!
-I never slept with her.
353
00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:06,800
I mean, I'm not sure
what would have happened,
354
00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:09,430
but so far, all we've done
is meet for dinner, you know?
355
00:14:09,470 --> 00:14:10,720
Talk.
356
00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:12,430
Guy, am I crazy,
or is that not the kind
357
00:14:12,470 --> 00:14:14,600
of information
you lead with?!
358
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,430
I guess
what I figured I was doing
359
00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:17,940
was still kinda cheating.
360
00:14:17,980 --> 00:14:20,480
No, it's not,
you big dumb ox.
361
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:21,980
It's not that bad
at all.
362
00:14:22,020 --> 00:14:23,730
Now you tell Kelly.
I'll tell Carrie.
363
00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:25,690
We can get on
with our lives.
364
00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:28,910
There! We just cheated
more than you ever did.
365
00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:33,080
-Carrie!
-In here!
366
00:14:34,830 --> 00:14:36,200
Great news,
my little chickie.
367
00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:38,750
Turns out Deac is not
cheating with that woman.
368
00:14:38,790 --> 00:14:39,870
What? What do you mean?
369
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:41,630
Just what I said.
He's not cheating.
370
00:14:41,670 --> 00:14:42,880
He's had
as much sex with her
371
00:14:42,920 --> 00:14:45,130
as I've had with your dad.
372
00:14:45,170 --> 00:14:47,050
And that's none.
373
00:14:47,090 --> 00:14:49,130
But you saw them
in the restaurant together.
374
00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:51,180
I mean, if they weren't having
an affair, what was going on?
375
00:14:51,220 --> 00:14:52,800
They just meet for dinner.
They eat.
376
00:14:52,850 --> 00:14:53,970
They talk.
They connect.
377
00:14:54,010 --> 00:14:55,810
-And does Kelly know?
-No.
378
00:14:55,850 --> 00:14:58,270
-Then he's still cheating.
-No, he's not!
379
00:14:58,310 --> 00:15:00,100
Yes, he is. Doug,
380
00:15:00,150 --> 00:15:01,980
the man is
lying to his wife,
381
00:15:02,020 --> 00:15:03,360
sneaking around
with another woman,
382
00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:06,610
sharing intimate feelings.
That is cheating.
383
00:15:06,650 --> 00:15:08,610
-No, it isn't!
-Yes, it is!
384
00:15:08,650 --> 00:15:10,530
No. You got to be naked
to cheat.
385
00:15:10,570 --> 00:15:11,740
Wrong!
386
00:15:11,780 --> 00:15:13,910
So you're telling me,
if I met a woman,
387
00:15:13,950 --> 00:15:15,370
and we went out
for a dinner or two,
388
00:15:15,410 --> 00:15:18,160
and then say I forgot
to tell you about it, right?
389
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,040
-I would be cheating?
-Yes!
390
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:21,710
Really?
And that would be just as bad
391
00:15:21,750 --> 00:15:23,340
as if I actually
slept with her?
392
00:15:23,380 --> 00:15:24,790
Yes!
393
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:26,840
Good to know.
394
00:15:28,050 --> 00:15:30,010
That's great.
That's really great, Doug.
395
00:15:30,050 --> 00:15:31,260
Make your stupid
little jokes,
396
00:15:31,300 --> 00:15:34,140
but I got to tell you,
I am stunned
397
00:15:34,180 --> 00:15:35,890
that on something
as important
398
00:15:35,930 --> 00:15:38,890
as the meaning of marriage
and commitment,
399
00:15:38,930 --> 00:15:40,850
that we would be
so far apart.
400
00:15:40,890 --> 00:15:42,100
DOUG: Yeah, well,
we are, my friend.
401
00:15:42,150 --> 00:15:44,520
You're way over there,
and I'm way over here.
402
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:46,480
[RASPY VOICE]
Hello.
403
00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:48,530
Oh, shut up.
404
00:15:48,570 --> 00:15:50,450
-[DOORBELL RINGS]
-I'll get it.
405
00:15:50,490 --> 00:15:53,870
-What do you want for dinner?
-I don't care!
406
00:15:55,950 --> 00:15:57,410
Deac,
what's going on, man?
407
00:15:57,450 --> 00:15:58,750
I told Kelly,
and you know what?
408
00:15:58,790 --> 00:16:00,370
You were wrong.
It is as bad as cheating.
409
00:16:00,410 --> 00:16:03,670
I know. I'm in the middle
of the same argument.
410
00:16:03,710 --> 00:16:05,670
-She threw you out?
-Yeah.
411
00:16:05,710 --> 00:16:07,420
-With no shoes?
-Yeah,
412
00:16:07,460 --> 00:16:09,550
and as hard as it is to
get a cab as a black man,
413
00:16:09,590 --> 00:16:15,800
imagine trying to get one
as a black man with no shoes.
414
00:16:15,850 --> 00:16:17,220
Hey, Carrie.
415
00:16:17,260 --> 00:16:18,350
What does he want?
416
00:16:18,390 --> 00:16:21,690
Easy, okay? He's been
tossed out shoeless.
417
00:16:21,730 --> 00:16:23,400
I have nothing to say to him
418
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:24,900
or you or anybody else
419
00:16:24,940 --> 00:16:28,400
on this whole sickening
subject. Excuse me.
420
00:16:31,610 --> 00:16:32,700
Sit down, man.
421
00:16:32,740 --> 00:16:33,910
You're sure it's okay?
422
00:16:33,950 --> 00:16:36,950
CARRIE:
No, it is not okay!
423
00:16:36,990 --> 00:16:38,200
Hey, you know what?
424
00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:40,080
I just figured out
what I want for dinner.
425
00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:43,040
A nice, hot bowl
of shut-it stew!
426
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,210
CARRIE: Does he know
that he has a baby?
427
00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:52,630
Ha! You know what?
I'm sorry.
428
00:16:52,670 --> 00:16:54,090
I've had
shut-it stew before,
429
00:16:54,130 --> 00:16:57,260
and it sure as diddly
didn't taste like that!
430
00:16:59,930 --> 00:17:01,850
Hey, man, maybe you better
stay at a motel tonight.
431
00:17:01,890 --> 00:17:04,440
Yeah. No, wait. Kelly kicked
me out without my wallet.
432
00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:05,600
Can you lend me a few bucks?
433
00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:06,860
Yeah, no problem.
434
00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:09,270
CARRIE:
Do not give him money!
435
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:10,690
Why not?!
436
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:13,320
CARRIE: Because it's half mine,
and I don't want you to!
437
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:14,860
Well, fine,
then I'll just give him
438
00:17:14,900 --> 00:17:18,280
twice as much
frommyhalf!
439
00:17:20,870 --> 00:17:22,000
And you know what?
440
00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:23,290
I'll drive him
to the motel myself
441
00:17:23,330 --> 00:17:27,630
inmyhalf of the car!
Come on.
442
00:17:27,670 --> 00:17:28,960
Fine,
and while you're gone,
443
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,000
I'm gonna bake you
a nice, warm, flaky
444
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:35,050
my-leg-in-your-ass-
up-to-my-knee pie for dessert!
445
00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:38,050
That was such a reach.
446
00:17:44,890 --> 00:17:46,480
What is
the huge ruckus here?
447
00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:50,650
It's all a man can do
to take a simple 4-hour nap.
448
00:17:50,690 --> 00:17:52,860
I'm sorry, Dad.
It's--it's Doug.
449
00:17:52,900 --> 00:17:54,940
He's just got me so--God!
450
00:17:54,990 --> 00:17:56,150
What happened?
451
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:59,120
Okay, okay. Let me ask you
a question.
452
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:03,120
If someone is married
and then sneaks around
453
00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:05,080
and has dinner
with another person
454
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:07,420
even though
they are not sleeping
455
00:18:07,460 --> 00:18:08,460
with that other person,
456
00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:10,670
would you say
that that was wrong?
457
00:18:10,710 --> 00:18:12,170
Look, darling,
I know Douglas
458
00:18:12,210 --> 00:18:14,670
isn't the most physically
attractive man in the world,
459
00:18:14,710 --> 00:18:17,510
but...I beg you
460
00:18:17,550 --> 00:18:20,010
not to jump ship
just yet.
461
00:18:20,050 --> 00:18:21,680
Now, I have
a book downstairs
462
00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:24,350
of special positions
for the overweight
463
00:18:24,390 --> 00:18:26,140
that I think...
464
00:18:27,310 --> 00:18:29,850
I think it could be
a big help.
465
00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:32,020
I am not talking
about me.
466
00:18:32,070 --> 00:18:35,030
I am talking
about a friend.
467
00:18:35,070 --> 00:18:38,410
And, uh,
is that friend you?
468
00:18:39,610 --> 00:18:41,410
No, it's not.
469
00:18:41,450 --> 00:18:44,370
It's--it's Kelly.
470
00:18:44,950 --> 00:18:48,080
And are you Kelly?
471
00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:50,670
Dad, you don't have to give
Kelly air quotes.
472
00:18:50,710 --> 00:18:52,340
You know her.
473
00:18:52,380 --> 00:18:53,210
Oh, my God!
474
00:18:53,250 --> 00:18:54,710
How dare
she cheat on that boy
475
00:18:54,750 --> 00:18:56,010
while he's out working late
476
00:18:56,050 --> 00:18:59,260
to pay for her
fancy creams and powders!
477
00:19:00,090 --> 00:19:03,720
She's not
doing anything. He is.
478
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:05,720
Oh, and then
Doug covers for him,
479
00:19:05,770 --> 00:19:07,180
and like
that's not bad enough,
480
00:19:07,230 --> 00:19:09,230
he comes home tonight
all lit up and happy,
481
00:19:09,270 --> 00:19:10,650
because as it turns out
482
00:19:10,690 --> 00:19:13,770
Deacon hasn't slept
with this skankola... yet.
483
00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:16,900
Like we should all give him some
fat, frickin' award for that.
484
00:19:16,940 --> 00:19:18,070
I told Doug
he was wrong,
485
00:19:18,110 --> 00:19:21,450
and I'm just--
I'm so mad at him.
486
00:19:22,620 --> 00:19:23,780
You're not mad at him.
487
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,540
Uh, trust me. I am.
488
00:19:25,580 --> 00:19:26,910
No, no, honey.
489
00:19:26,950 --> 00:19:30,040
You see, you and Doug
look to Deacon and Kelly
490
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:32,210
as an example
of the perfect couple.
491
00:19:32,250 --> 00:19:36,420
Now that their supposedly
solid marriage is in trouble,
492
00:19:36,460 --> 00:19:38,380
you start to wonder.
493
00:19:38,420 --> 00:19:41,430
Who's to say
yours isn't next?
494
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,760
You're not angry, cookie.
495
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:48,220
You're scared.
496
00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:52,600
Wow, dad. That was a remarkably
lucid thing to say.
497
00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:55,980
Well, I'm coming
right out of a nap.
498
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:19,670
[SIRENS SOUND]
499
00:20:58,550 --> 00:21:00,260
You're home.
500
00:21:01,210 --> 00:21:03,220
Yeah. I'm home.
501
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:34,000
[RING]
502
00:21:36,830 --> 00:21:38,290
CARRIE [OVER PHONE]:
You've reached the Heffernans.
503
00:21:38,340 --> 00:21:39,750
We're not hereto take your call,
504
00:21:39,790 --> 00:21:41,590
-so leave a message.
-[BEEP]
505
00:21:41,630 --> 00:21:43,760
DOUG [OVER PHONE]:
Arthur, are you there?
506
00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:45,760
Arthur, I just leftthe house 2 seconds ago,
507
00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:48,050
and you were there.Pick up.
508
00:21:48,090 --> 00:21:50,930
Oh, no. I'm not falling
for your games, big boy.
509
00:21:50,970 --> 00:21:52,310
DOUG [OVER PHONE]
Come on. Pick up.
510
00:21:52,350 --> 00:21:53,640
I think I leftthe oven on,
511
00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:56,600
and the pilot lightis broken.
512
00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:58,730
-No sale!
-DOUG [OVER PHONE]:Arthur!
513
00:21:58,770 --> 00:22:00,440
Arthur, come on, man!
514
00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:02,570
I know you're there!Pick up the damn phone!
515
00:22:02,610 --> 00:22:04,110
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
516
00:22:04,150 --> 00:22:07,780
DOUG [OVER PHONE]:Pick upthe phone, old man!
517
00:22:07,820 --> 00:22:10,780
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
37579
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