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1
00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:04,920
CARRIE: No, Dad,
that's crazy!
2
00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:07,290
Dad, I am not
driving 2 hours upstate
3
00:00:07,340 --> 00:00:09,500
to bring you
your Centrum Silver.
4
00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:12,220
Stop calling them
your meds.
5
00:00:12,260 --> 00:00:14,590
You can buy them
at 7-Eleven.
6
00:00:15,970 --> 00:00:18,680
Well, you're acting
like a lunatic!
7
00:00:18,720 --> 00:00:20,140
Yes, you are!
8
00:00:20,180 --> 00:00:22,810
Fine. You know what?
Good-bye!
9
00:00:29,230 --> 00:00:31,190
Now I feel bad.
10
00:00:31,230 --> 00:00:33,530
Why?
Why? I just
yelled at my father
11
00:00:33,570 --> 00:00:36,110
and called him a lunatic.
That has to be wrong.
12
00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:37,700
My God. What if
something happens to him
13
00:00:37,740 --> 00:00:40,830
and that's
the last conversation
we ever have?
14
00:00:40,870 --> 00:00:42,750
Then you're off the hook.
15
00:00:45,170 --> 00:00:47,170
Damn it,
and when he left yesterday
16
00:00:47,210 --> 00:00:48,880
I kissed him
and told him I loved him.
17
00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:52,260
If he was gonna die,
that would have been the day.
18
00:00:52,300 --> 00:00:54,880
If it happens now,
I'm screwed.
19
00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:56,180
Call him back.
20
00:00:56,220 --> 00:00:57,720
No, no. It's stupid.
21
00:00:57,760 --> 00:00:59,640
Besides, you know what?
You yell at him all the time.
22
00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:02,930
You havewayworse karma
than I do.
23
00:01:02,970 --> 00:01:05,190
Actually, the last thing
I said to him was
"Nice haircut,"
24
00:01:05,230 --> 00:01:07,810
so I'm good to go.
25
00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:13,280
[SCOFFS]
26
00:01:25,790 --> 00:01:27,420
Hi, Daddy, it's me.
27
00:01:27,460 --> 00:01:31,000
Listen,
I was a little short
with you before,
28
00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:32,590
and I'm--I'm sorry.
29
00:01:32,630 --> 00:01:34,590
I love you.
30
00:01:34,630 --> 00:01:38,430
No, that does not mean
I'm making the drive up.
31
00:01:38,470 --> 00:01:41,350
Because I'm saying sorry
for yelling at you,
32
00:01:41,390 --> 00:01:43,520
not the other part.
Well, too bad.
33
00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:46,810
I'm not making the drive up,
crazy man.
34
00:01:56,740 --> 00:01:58,740
I'll see you in 5 hours.
35
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:03,200
* My eyesare gettin' weary *
36
00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:05,830
* My back is gettin' tight *
37
00:02:05,870 --> 00:02:07,710
* I'm sittin' herein traffic *
38
00:02:07,750 --> 00:02:10,630
* On the Queensboro Bridgetonight *
39
00:02:10,670 --> 00:02:15,210
* But I don't care,'cause all I want to do *
40
00:02:16,510 --> 00:02:20,340
* Is cash my check and driveright home to you *
41
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:23,600
* 'Cause, baby,all my life *
42
00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:27,350
* I will be drivin' hometo you *
43
00:02:34,570 --> 00:02:38,450
OK, a little tip
next time you try
to hook up surround sound.
44
00:02:38,490 --> 00:02:39,530
Red goes in red.
45
00:02:39,570 --> 00:02:42,870
Yellow goes in yellow.
46
00:02:42,910 --> 00:02:44,370
You know what?
I've had enough with you
47
00:02:44,410 --> 00:02:46,790
and your high-tech
mumbo-jumbo.
48
00:02:46,830 --> 00:02:48,460
Can I plug it in now?
Can I? Come on.
49
00:02:48,500 --> 00:02:50,080
No. I'm working
with live wires here, man.
50
00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:51,710
Yeah, I want to see
your skeleton.
51
00:02:51,750 --> 00:02:53,210
See if you get that
chattering teeth thing
going.
52
00:02:53,250 --> 00:02:54,250
Zzzz-yay-yay-yay.
53
00:02:54,290 --> 00:02:55,300
Put it down.
54
00:02:55,340 --> 00:02:56,460
What?
55
00:02:56,500 --> 00:02:58,470
Good God. Are you two
still at that?
56
00:02:58,510 --> 00:02:59,550
It's not my fault.
57
00:02:59,590 --> 00:03:02,930
He hooks up a stereo
like a woman.
58
00:03:02,970 --> 00:03:04,890
Doug, why are
we even doing this?
59
00:03:04,930 --> 00:03:07,140
The sound on the TV
is fine.
60
00:03:07,180 --> 00:03:09,270
Does it surround us? No.
61
00:03:10,270 --> 00:03:12,440
Stop embarrassing yourself.
62
00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:14,230
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
63
00:03:14,270 --> 00:03:15,360
Oh, that's me.
64
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:18,030
[RING]
65
00:03:18,070 --> 00:03:19,150
Hello.
66
00:03:19,190 --> 00:03:20,950
Hey, Mom. What's up?
67
00:03:20,990 --> 00:03:22,410
Oh, my God.
68
00:03:22,450 --> 00:03:25,240
When did it happen?
What?
69
00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:26,450
My great-aunt died.
70
00:03:26,490 --> 00:03:27,740
Oh, no.
71
00:03:27,790 --> 00:03:28,700
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
72
00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:29,950
Excuse me.
73
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:31,370
Just give us a second,
you guys.
74
00:03:31,410 --> 00:03:33,080
Sure.
Yeah.
75
00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:35,630
Oh, that's a shame.
76
00:03:36,290 --> 00:03:37,460
Yeah.
77
00:03:37,500 --> 00:03:38,920
Look,
is the evening over?
78
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:41,760
'Cause Deacon really
didn't finish up here.
79
00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:44,800
A person died, OK?
80
00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:46,760
And you're worried about
your surround sound?
81
00:03:46,810 --> 00:03:48,970
Well, it's just at this
point I have no sound.
82
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:50,930
Come on, Carrie.
It's just a great-aunt.
83
00:03:50,980 --> 00:03:52,810
It's not like
a regular aunt.
84
00:03:52,850 --> 00:03:54,770
It's like--I don't know.
It's like wax fruit.
85
00:03:54,810 --> 00:03:57,570
OK, any chance you could
act appropriately here?
86
00:03:57,610 --> 00:03:58,900
Yeah, fine.
What's appropriate?
87
00:03:58,940 --> 00:04:00,240
What do you
want me to do?
You want me to cry?
88
00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:01,990
You want me
to shake my fist
at the heavens?
89
00:04:02,030 --> 00:04:03,360
Why her?!
90
00:04:05,490 --> 00:04:06,870
I don't know.
91
00:04:06,910 --> 00:04:09,410
I just think
we should be doing
something for them. I--
92
00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:10,540
Like what?
93
00:04:10,580 --> 00:04:12,290
I don't know.
Make them tea or--
94
00:04:12,330 --> 00:04:13,580
Tea for a great-aunt?!
95
00:04:13,620 --> 00:04:15,380
That is
way over the top!
96
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:20,460
Hey, sweetie,
how's Kelly doing?
97
00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:22,010
Uh, she's all right.
98
00:04:22,050 --> 00:04:24,180
I mean, her great-aunt's
been sick for a while,
you know?
99
00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:25,720
Still it's sad.
100
00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:27,930
Yeah, but not as sad
as a regular aunt.
101
00:04:27,970 --> 00:04:29,350
What?
102
00:04:29,390 --> 00:04:30,680
You guys
want some tea?
103
00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:33,100
Uh...no, thanks.
104
00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:34,520
We've got a lot
to figure out.
105
00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:35,560
You know,
travel arrangements,
106
00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:36,600
who's gonna stay
with the kids.
107
00:04:36,650 --> 00:04:37,650
Can I use
your phone in there?
108
00:04:37,690 --> 00:04:39,270
Of course.
Thanks.
109
00:04:43,740 --> 00:04:46,240
Should we offer
to stay with the kids?
110
00:04:46,280 --> 00:04:47,990
Who, us? Really?
111
00:04:48,030 --> 00:04:50,540
Yeah, why not?
I mean, we are
the godparents.
112
00:04:50,580 --> 00:04:52,160
I just thought
we were done with that
113
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:54,290
after we gave them
the savings bond.
114
00:04:54,330 --> 00:04:56,580
Doug, I'm just thinking,
maybe we should offer.
115
00:04:56,620 --> 00:04:57,670
What do you think?
116
00:04:57,710 --> 00:04:59,590
[STAMMERS]
117
00:04:59,630 --> 00:05:01,300
Hey, sweetie.
118
00:05:01,340 --> 00:05:02,340
How are you doing?
119
00:05:02,380 --> 00:05:05,380
He-ey-ey-ey.
120
00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:08,300
I'm OK.
We just have to go
to Chicago tomorrow
121
00:05:08,350 --> 00:05:10,010
for the funeral.
122
00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:12,180
Did you find anybody
to watch the kids yet?
123
00:05:12,220 --> 00:05:13,980
No. Our regular sitter
can't do it.
124
00:05:14,020 --> 00:05:15,310
We have to keep trying.
125
00:05:15,350 --> 00:05:16,900
Uh-huh.
126
00:05:18,060 --> 00:05:20,150
Uh, hey.
Crazy thought, you guys.
127
00:05:20,190 --> 00:05:22,190
How about
we stay with the kids?
128
00:05:22,230 --> 00:05:24,030
Really?
129
00:05:24,070 --> 00:05:27,030
I--I mean,
that's really
sweet of you,
130
00:05:27,070 --> 00:05:28,870
but it's just--
It's a lot of stuff.
131
00:05:28,910 --> 00:05:29,950
Look, you know what?
We can handle it.
132
00:05:29,990 --> 00:05:31,370
Two of them,
two of us. Right?
133
00:05:31,410 --> 00:05:33,370
Plus we're bigger,
right?
134
00:05:33,410 --> 00:05:36,790
Sure. Why not.
OK, then.
135
00:05:36,830 --> 00:05:38,380
All right, great.
Great. Yeah. Great.
136
00:05:38,420 --> 00:05:42,840
So, uh, where are we at
with the speakers?
137
00:05:46,130 --> 00:05:48,510
I got to tell you,
this is gonna be
good practice for us.
138
00:05:48,550 --> 00:05:52,060
You know, kind of like
a driving range
for parenting.
139
00:05:52,100 --> 00:05:55,770
Buy a bucket of babies,
tee 'em up and see
how you do, right?
140
00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:57,890
Huh?
141
00:05:57,940 --> 00:05:59,440
What's the matter?
142
00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:01,520
They hesitated.
143
00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:03,570
What?
Who hesitated?
144
00:06:03,610 --> 00:06:07,150
Deacon and Kelly
when we offered
to watch their kids.
145
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:08,240
They did not.
146
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:09,820
Yes, they did.
They clearly did.
147
00:06:09,860 --> 00:06:11,870
Especially Kelly.
I mean it was so obvious
148
00:06:11,910 --> 00:06:13,830
that she wasn't thrilled
about us doing this, Doug.
149
00:06:13,870 --> 00:06:15,660
Her great-aunt
just died.
150
00:06:15,700 --> 00:06:17,120
She was out of her head
with grief.
151
00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:19,540
No, no, no.
They hesitated,
152
00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:21,080
and not--
not 'cause of you.
153
00:06:21,130 --> 00:06:23,040
Because of me.
I mean, I'm not
a kid person.
154
00:06:23,090 --> 00:06:24,250
They--They could
smell it on me.
155
00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:25,710
I mean, everybody's
always saying,
156
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:26,840
oh, children
are our future.
157
00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:28,470
And I'm like,
whatever.
158
00:06:29,510 --> 00:06:30,640
You're gonna do fine.
159
00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:31,850
No, no, I'm not, Doug.
160
00:06:31,890 --> 00:06:33,350
I mean one little nose
wiped on my blouse,
161
00:06:33,390 --> 00:06:35,310
and I'm gonna be
looking for some gin.
162
00:06:36,430 --> 00:06:37,930
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
I'm starting to get
163
00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:40,150
that panicky feeling,
like before I fly.
164
00:06:40,190 --> 00:06:42,940
Let's not do this, Doug.
Let's call them and cancel.
165
00:06:42,980 --> 00:06:45,690
Cancel? Carrie, this is
not a dinner reservation.
166
00:06:45,730 --> 00:06:47,280
They have nobody else
to watch their kids.
167
00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:50,320
Well, I think they should
bring 'em to the funeral.
168
00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:53,030
It's good for kids
to see dead people.
169
00:06:54,030 --> 00:06:55,830
That, that little kid
in the movie, see,
170
00:06:55,870 --> 00:06:58,460
saw dead people
all the time,
171
00:06:58,500 --> 00:07:00,120
and he seemed fine.
172
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:03,170
He wasn't fine,
he was a little freak.
173
00:07:05,340 --> 00:07:07,010
Now, pack.
174
00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:11,380
OK, I got
all our phone numbers
right here.
175
00:07:11,430 --> 00:07:13,050
Phone numbers, great.
176
00:07:13,090 --> 00:07:14,470
I labeled
all the kids' food.
177
00:07:14,510 --> 00:07:16,180
It's in the fridge.
Oh, it's in the fridge?
178
00:07:16,220 --> 00:07:18,930
Oh, good,
'cause that just saved me
a wild goose chase.
179
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:21,810
Are you sure
you're OK doing this?
180
00:07:21,850 --> 00:07:24,310
Uh, OK? Yeah,
I think so.
181
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:27,150
I just wish your great-aunt
would have died sooner.
182
00:07:29,030 --> 00:07:30,320
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding, sweetie.
183
00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:31,610
She's in
a much better place now.
184
00:07:31,650 --> 00:07:32,610
I'm sorry.
185
00:07:32,660 --> 00:07:34,490
Yo, hon, we got to go.
186
00:07:34,530 --> 00:07:35,990
OK, OK.
Bye, sweetie.
187
00:07:36,030 --> 00:07:38,750
Be good.
Kirby, watch out
for your brother.
188
00:07:38,790 --> 00:07:39,830
OK.
Miss you, little man.
189
00:07:39,870 --> 00:07:40,830
KIRBY: Miss you.
190
00:07:40,870 --> 00:07:41,750
Thanks again, you guys.
191
00:07:41,790 --> 00:07:43,000
CARRIE:
Oh, come on.
192
00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:44,130
Yeah, we owe you big
for this one, guys.
193
00:07:44,170 --> 00:07:45,170
No prob.
You guys have a safe trip.
194
00:07:45,210 --> 00:07:47,920
Hey, we should be
thanking you.
195
00:07:49,590 --> 00:07:51,970
Well...
196
00:07:52,010 --> 00:07:54,260
we're on our own.
197
00:07:54,300 --> 00:07:55,550
Uh-huh.
198
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:56,640
So far, so good.
199
00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:57,680
So far, so good.
200
00:07:57,720 --> 00:07:58,680
Well,
I will see you later.
201
00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:00,230
Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
202
00:08:01,100 --> 00:08:02,390
You're leaving now?!
203
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,190
Yeah, it's one of
my work Saturdays.
204
00:08:04,230 --> 00:08:07,110
Wasn't the uniform
a tip-off for you
at all, or...
205
00:08:07,150 --> 00:08:08,570
Right. Right.
Wait. Wait.
206
00:08:08,610 --> 00:08:10,530
How about this?
How about you stay here
with the kids,
207
00:08:10,570 --> 00:08:12,900
and I'll go do your route?
Huh? Sign here, ma'am.
208
00:08:12,950 --> 00:08:14,820
How hard could that be?
209
00:08:14,860 --> 00:08:16,240
Honey, will you relax?
210
00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:18,990
The kids are gonna love
spending the day with you.
211
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:22,710
Now, just show 'em
your gentle, nurturing side.
212
00:08:22,750 --> 00:08:25,380
I have a gentle,
nurturing side?
213
00:08:26,630 --> 00:08:29,420
I believe
it's in there, yes.
214
00:08:30,590 --> 00:08:31,760
Oh, you're gonna
do fine.
215
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:32,920
OK, OK, all right, hon.
I love you.
216
00:08:32,970 --> 00:08:34,590
I love you.
Bye, kids!
217
00:08:34,630 --> 00:08:36,470
Bye!
All right.
218
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:41,680
Hmm.
219
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:44,980
Hi.
220
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:51,440
Hey. Tch tch tch.
221
00:08:53,820 --> 00:08:55,280
Where's my mommy?
222
00:08:56,910 --> 00:08:58,070
Your mommy?
223
00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:00,740
Yeah, where is she?
224
00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:02,870
Uh...
225
00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:04,120
Sweetie, don't you remember
226
00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:06,080
saying goodbye to her, or...?
227
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,540
Where is she?
228
00:09:09,630 --> 00:09:12,170
OK, um, your mommy
229
00:09:12,210 --> 00:09:15,720
went to a place
called Chicago
230
00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:17,550
because somebody died.
231
00:09:17,590 --> 00:09:19,430
What's died?
232
00:09:23,140 --> 00:09:25,140
I don't know.
233
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,070
DOUG: Honey,
I'm home!
234
00:09:32,110 --> 00:09:34,740
CARRIE: I'm
in the kitchen!
235
00:09:34,780 --> 00:09:36,320
Hey, Kirby.
236
00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:37,410
Hi.
237
00:09:37,450 --> 00:09:38,660
The Kirb-man.
238
00:09:38,700 --> 00:09:41,370
Curbside check-in.
239
00:09:41,410 --> 00:09:45,160
Uh-oh. Uh-oh, here comes
the Heffernan headlock.
240
00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:46,210
Oh, that's right.
241
00:09:46,250 --> 00:09:47,750
Oh, no.
Off the top rope!
242
00:09:47,790 --> 00:09:49,130
He's in trouble now!
243
00:09:49,170 --> 00:09:50,170
Uh-oh. Oh, boy.
244
00:09:50,210 --> 00:09:53,130
Is he gonna lose
his WWF belt?!
245
00:09:53,170 --> 00:09:55,420
It's gonna happen.
How do you feel?
246
00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:58,340
I have to pee.
247
00:10:00,390 --> 00:10:02,350
OK, OK.
248
00:10:04,850 --> 00:10:06,520
Hey.
249
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:08,270
Hey, so...
250
00:10:08,310 --> 00:10:10,060
no one's missing,
and you're not drunk.
251
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:12,150
I'm guessing things
went pretty well today.
252
00:10:12,190 --> 00:10:15,320
I gotta tell you, honey,
I rock at this.
253
00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:17,150
I actually took them
both for a walk,
254
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,570
had this guy in a snuggly,
little legs going--
255
00:10:19,610 --> 00:10:21,320
frickin' adorable.
256
00:10:21,370 --> 00:10:25,040
Came back here,
watched Elmo-palooza
three times in a row
257
00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:26,500
and fielded
some very tough questions
258
00:10:26,540 --> 00:10:30,000
about Bert and Ernie's
relationship. OK.
259
00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:32,340
Hey, sweetie.
Wash your hands.
260
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,170
With soap!
261
00:10:34,210 --> 00:10:35,760
Huh? Huh? Do you see this?
262
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:38,090
Looks like somebody
got hit my the mommy truck.
263
00:10:38,130 --> 00:10:39,510
You know, I guess
I always had it in me.
264
00:10:39,550 --> 00:10:42,100
Who knew?
Come on, baby, dinner!
265
00:10:42,140 --> 00:10:43,510
I can't believe,
with all this going on,
266
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:44,890
you made dinner.
267
00:10:44,930 --> 00:10:47,230
Yep. Hamburgers,
macaroni and cheese,
and fish sticks.
268
00:10:47,270 --> 00:10:50,560
Good God, it's
Christmas morning.
269
00:10:52,730 --> 00:10:56,150
Here, honey.
I'll cut this
in half for you, OK?
270
00:10:57,570 --> 00:11:00,780
Hey, look at this.
Is this a family
or what?
271
00:11:02,070 --> 00:11:03,410
I mean, not exactly
the way I pictured it,
272
00:11:03,450 --> 00:11:05,160
but still.
273
00:11:10,750 --> 00:11:14,040
OK, baby's tucked in,
and Kirby's asleep,
274
00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:17,300
and P.S.,
I'm pretty damn good
with shadow puppets.
275
00:11:17,340 --> 00:11:20,840
I mean, he was
terrified at first,
but I got him back.
276
00:11:22,340 --> 00:11:23,890
Oh, what--
What's going on here?
277
00:11:23,930 --> 00:11:26,100
What? This is where
we're sleeping.
278
00:11:26,140 --> 00:11:27,470
Don't Deacon and Kelly
279
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,140
have a king-sized bed
in there?
280
00:11:29,180 --> 00:11:31,980
Yes, they do,
and we have this.
281
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:38,570
Sealy Posturepedic!
282
00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:42,240
Doug, get off
of their bed!
283
00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:44,620
Make me.
284
00:11:45,580 --> 00:11:47,290
Come on. I'm not
gonna make you.
285
00:11:47,330 --> 00:11:48,910
I feel very
uncomfortable in here.
286
00:11:48,950 --> 00:11:50,330
Will you relax?
We're celebrating.
287
00:11:50,370 --> 00:11:51,620
What are
we celebrating?
288
00:11:51,670 --> 00:11:52,750
That you're
not gonna be
289
00:11:52,790 --> 00:11:54,630
the sucky mom
we always thought.
290
00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:58,880
OK, but only
because you already
messed up the bedding.
291
00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:00,090
All right.
292
00:12:01,050 --> 00:12:02,180
Oh, look at this.
293
00:12:02,220 --> 00:12:03,680
Dimmer switch, huh?
294
00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:06,720
Oh, we are styling.
295
00:12:07,430 --> 00:12:10,270
Whoo, whoo...
296
00:12:10,310 --> 00:12:12,480
Whoo-ahh...
297
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:14,440
Hey, stop it. You're
making me nauseous.
298
00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:16,820
You just want music.
299
00:12:16,860 --> 00:12:20,150
[SLOW R&B PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
300
00:12:22,900 --> 00:12:25,280
Oh, yeah...
301
00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:28,910
I ammellow.
302
00:12:28,950 --> 00:12:30,370
All right, come on.
Turn down the music.
303
00:12:30,410 --> 00:12:31,370
You're gonna
wake the kids.
304
00:12:31,410 --> 00:12:33,120
All right.
[TURNS DOWN MUSIC]
305
00:12:36,250 --> 00:12:37,460
So you, uh...
306
00:12:37,500 --> 00:12:39,960
proud of your big day?
307
00:12:40,010 --> 00:12:42,420
Yeah, a little.
308
00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:44,800
Well, you should be.
309
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:48,140
You were so great
with those kids today.
310
00:12:48,180 --> 00:12:50,850
When I came home, and
I saw you holding Major,
311
00:12:50,890 --> 00:12:52,810
I don't know, I just--
312
00:12:52,850 --> 00:12:55,480
I guess I liked
the way you looked
313
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:58,650
with a baby
attached to you.
314
00:12:58,690 --> 00:13:01,230
I mean, not literally
attached to you.
315
00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:04,820
That would be gross.
316
00:13:06,070 --> 00:13:08,620
I like the way
you looked, too.
317
00:13:08,660 --> 00:13:09,700
I love you.
318
00:13:09,740 --> 00:13:11,830
I love you, too.
319
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:18,590
And goal!
320
00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:21,300
Whoo!
321
00:13:21,340 --> 00:13:23,670
Wow, the lighting
really helped.
322
00:13:24,510 --> 00:13:25,630
[DOOR CREAKS]
323
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,300
What was that?
324
00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:28,390
I don't know.
325
00:13:28,430 --> 00:13:29,550
Was someone just
in the doorway?
326
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,260
I don't--
I don't know.
327
00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:36,600
Hey...
328
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:38,360
how's it going?
329
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:42,440
What happened?
330
00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:44,240
Did Kirby see us
having sex?
331
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:46,280
Possibly.
332
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:47,450
What does that mean?
333
00:13:47,490 --> 00:13:49,030
We didn't get into
a long discussion.
334
00:13:49,070 --> 00:13:50,410
Well, what did
you say to him?
335
00:13:50,450 --> 00:13:53,370
I said, "Hey,
how's it going?"
336
00:13:53,410 --> 00:13:55,250
And what did
he say back?
337
00:13:55,290 --> 00:13:56,920
He said, "Good."
338
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:59,750
Oh, my God.
How could we do this?
339
00:13:59,790 --> 00:14:02,000
How could we have sex
in our friends' bed?
340
00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:04,210
What are we,
mountain people?
341
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:05,260
What does that mean?
342
00:14:05,300 --> 00:14:06,720
It means
it's wrong, OK?
343
00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:09,090
It means nice, young
couples from Queens
344
00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:10,930
do not do it in
their friends' bed
345
00:14:10,970 --> 00:14:12,510
with their
friends' children
346
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,770
sleeping 10 feet
away from them!
347
00:14:14,810 --> 00:14:17,560
I need to make things
clean again.
348
00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:20,400
Come on, what did we do
that was so bad?
349
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,770
W-we're two married,
mature people
350
00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:26,110
engaging
in a timeless dance
called love.
351
00:14:27,490 --> 00:14:29,740
Doug, we were ontheirbed
352
00:14:29,780 --> 00:14:31,450
doing it in front
of their 5-year-old son.
353
00:14:31,490 --> 00:14:35,290
And thanks to that mirror
over there, he also got
the reverse angle.
354
00:14:35,330 --> 00:14:39,040
First of all, he's 5 1/2,
and he knows what's what.
355
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:40,960
He's gonna tell Deacon
and Kelly.
356
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:42,500
That's why they hesitated,
357
00:14:42,540 --> 00:14:45,670
because they knew I'd screw up,
and I did.
358
00:14:45,710 --> 00:14:47,300
Why did I let you mount me?
359
00:14:47,340 --> 00:14:49,130
Ow!
360
00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:52,350
First of all,
we don't know what
he's gonna tell them.
361
00:14:53,470 --> 00:14:56,140
In fact, we don't even know
if he saw us, right?
362
00:14:56,180 --> 00:14:57,680
Right.
363
00:14:57,730 --> 00:15:00,150
Tomorrow morning,
we'll get up and we'll
feel him out.
364
00:15:00,190 --> 00:15:02,610
We'll see if there's
even a problem at all.
365
00:15:02,650 --> 00:15:03,900
OK?
366
00:15:03,940 --> 00:15:04,860
OK?
367
00:15:04,900 --> 00:15:06,480
OK.
All right.
368
00:15:06,530 --> 00:15:08,240
Come on, let's get
a good night's sleep.
369
00:15:10,820 --> 00:15:12,740
What are you doing?
370
00:15:12,780 --> 00:15:14,200
Hey, sleeping on a sofa bed
371
00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:17,120
is not gonna bring back
that boy's innocence.
372
00:15:20,290 --> 00:15:22,580
All right, sweetie.
Stop moving around,
373
00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:24,840
or I'm gonna get tape stuck
to your little--
374
00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:26,960
Oops, I'm sorry.
375
00:15:28,630 --> 00:15:31,090
Honey, I cannot get
this diaper on him.
376
00:15:31,130 --> 00:15:33,180
I've totally lost
my mommy groove.
377
00:15:34,140 --> 00:15:36,220
You talked to
what's-his-face?
378
00:15:38,390 --> 00:15:40,230
No. Not yet.
379
00:15:42,020 --> 00:15:44,440
Hey, buddy, what's up?
What's going on there?
380
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:47,070
Hey, playing with
your little schoolhouse
here. This is fun, huh?
381
00:15:47,110 --> 00:15:48,740
Hey, you know what
I'm gonna do?
382
00:15:48,780 --> 00:15:50,360
I'm gonna take
this pretty little
teacher here
383
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,490
and, oh, let's go
with this farmer guy
right here,
384
00:15:52,530 --> 00:15:57,580
and you tell me
if you see anything
that looks familiar.
385
00:15:57,620 --> 00:15:59,830
[COUNTRY ACCENT]
Howdy, ma'am, my name
is Farmer Jones.
386
00:15:59,870 --> 00:16:04,500
[FALSETTO] Well, hi.
I'm Mary Lou...
Henner.
387
00:16:05,340 --> 00:16:06,840
Whoops, I slipped.
388
00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:09,920
[AS FARMER JONES]
Well, let me help you up
with my pants off.
389
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,880
Whoops, I slipped, too.
390
00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:14,050
Now we're wrestling
up and down.
391
00:16:14,090 --> 00:16:17,470
Larry Flynt, you wanna
tone it down a notch?
392
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:19,970
Well, you give it a try.
Okay, all right.
393
00:16:20,020 --> 00:16:21,060
You finish dressing the baby.
Okay.
394
00:16:21,100 --> 00:16:23,440
All right, you got him?
Yes.
395
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:24,810
Hey, sweetie.
396
00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:27,230
How you doin'?
397
00:16:27,270 --> 00:16:31,240
Did you, uh, have
any bad dreams last night?
398
00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:35,870
Like maybe
a big scary polar bear
399
00:16:35,910 --> 00:16:38,790
on top of a ballerina?
400
00:16:39,740 --> 00:16:40,910
Anything like that?
401
00:16:40,950 --> 00:16:42,500
[BABY FUSSING]
402
00:16:42,540 --> 00:16:44,210
I-I got both legs
in one hole.
403
00:16:44,250 --> 00:16:46,460
All right, calm down.
I don't know what I'm doing.
404
00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:52,920
Hey, who wants
to play a game?
405
00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:54,130
I want to play a game.
406
00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:56,180
All right!
Here's the game:
407
00:16:56,220 --> 00:16:59,140
What's the worst thing you've
seen in the past 24 hours?
408
00:17:00,180 --> 00:17:01,430
KELLY: Hey, guys.
We're home!
409
00:17:01,470 --> 00:17:03,520
Mommy!
410
00:17:07,020 --> 00:17:08,270
Hey, you're back.
411
00:17:08,310 --> 00:17:09,820
Hi!
Hi, hi, hi, hi!
412
00:17:09,860 --> 00:17:12,240
We caught an early
flight so we could
relieve you guys.
413
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:14,490
These little monsters
treat you OK?
414
00:17:14,530 --> 00:17:16,110
OK? They were fantastic!
415
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:19,330
But enough about us.
How was the funeral?
You have fun?
416
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,830
Not as much
as you'd think.
417
00:17:22,870 --> 00:17:26,460
Yeah, death.
Not a fan of the big "D."
418
00:17:27,750 --> 00:17:28,920
What's going on?
Everything go
all right?
419
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,460
OK. Yeah.
Smooth sailing.
420
00:17:30,500 --> 00:17:31,550
We, um...
421
00:17:31,590 --> 00:17:32,590
We gotta go.
422
00:17:32,630 --> 00:17:33,970
Yes! Yeah.
423
00:17:34,010 --> 00:17:35,380
You don't want
to stick around,
have some coffee?
424
00:17:35,430 --> 00:17:36,930
Oh, no.
You know what?
425
00:17:36,970 --> 00:17:38,220
If we're gonna
tear ourselves away
from these kids,
426
00:17:38,260 --> 00:17:39,600
it's gotta be quick,
like a Band-Aid.
427
00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:41,100
Yeah. You know,
you rip it right off,
it hurts.
428
00:17:41,140 --> 00:17:42,970
But she's off in a jiff.
We're outta here.
429
00:17:43,020 --> 00:17:44,520
Yeah. OK.
Bye-bye,
you guys.
430
00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:46,060
All righty.
431
00:17:50,690 --> 00:17:54,320
Oh, man. If bologna smelled
any better, I'd wear it.
432
00:18:02,620 --> 00:18:05,210
How can you just
sit there and eat?
433
00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:07,370
Kirby is probably
telling them what
we did right now.
434
00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:09,710
Yeah, but look.
They've been home for,
like, 2 hours now.
435
00:18:09,750 --> 00:18:13,710
If he was gonna say something,
he would've done it already,
wouldn't he have, huh?
436
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,380
Wouldn't he have?
I need a pickle.
437
00:18:16,340 --> 00:18:18,260
Might have.
I don't know.
438
00:18:18,300 --> 00:18:22,010
Look, even if
he did see us, he probably
forgot about it already.
439
00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:23,930
I mean, do you remember anything
from when you were 5?
440
00:18:23,970 --> 00:18:26,020
No. Not now.
441
00:18:26,060 --> 00:18:28,650
But he's still 5.
You don't forget
instantly.
442
00:18:29,980 --> 00:18:31,940
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
443
00:18:31,980 --> 00:18:33,190
Oh, my God. That's them.
444
00:18:33,230 --> 00:18:34,780
I know it's them.
I can tell by the ring.
445
00:18:34,820 --> 00:18:36,360
It's an angry ring.
446
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:37,950
[RING]
447
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:40,660
[RING]
448
00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:43,370
[RING]
449
00:18:44,450 --> 00:18:46,000
[RING]
450
00:18:48,250 --> 00:18:50,040
Yes.
451
00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:52,460
Oh. You know what?
We're not interested
right now.
452
00:18:52,500 --> 00:18:53,750
OK. Thank you.
453
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:54,880
Who was it?
454
00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:56,630
Someone selling
a subscription...
455
00:18:56,670 --> 00:18:58,510
toTeen People.
456
00:18:58,550 --> 00:19:00,260
Oh.
457
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:04,350
Why'd you say
we weren't interested?
458
00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:10,600
You knowTeen People's
number by heart?
459
00:19:13,770 --> 00:19:18,860
I am not callingTeen People.
I am calling Deacon and Kelly.
460
00:19:18,900 --> 00:19:20,610
Oh, come on.
Why are you
calling them?
461
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:23,240
I--I can't stand this.
I need to know what they know.
462
00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:25,910
If you want this to go away,
then don't pick at it.
463
00:19:25,950 --> 00:19:27,450
Yeah. Let me pick.
464
00:19:28,620 --> 00:19:30,460
Hey, Kel, how you doing?
465
00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:33,920
Yeah, uh, we just wanted
to call and see how
the kids were doing.
466
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:35,670
'Cause we miss them
so much.
467
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:38,300
Mm-hmm.
468
00:19:39,550 --> 00:19:41,300
Really?
469
00:19:41,340 --> 00:19:44,430
OK! Well, then we'll see
you there.
470
00:19:44,470 --> 00:19:46,180
OK. Bye-bye.
471
00:19:47,060 --> 00:19:49,430
They want to take us
to dinner tonight.
472
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:50,980
To thank us.
473
00:19:51,020 --> 00:19:54,270
Hey! There you go.
You don't take perverts
to dinner, right?
474
00:19:56,570 --> 00:19:58,320
I know I don't.
475
00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:00,200
See that?
It all worked out fine.
476
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:01,950
He saw us.
He didn't see us.
477
00:20:01,990 --> 00:20:04,370
It doesn't matter.
He kept his little trap shut.
478
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,870
And then this one says,
my shirt's dirty.
479
00:20:08,910 --> 00:20:10,410
We need to put it
in the whooshing machine.
480
00:20:10,460 --> 00:20:12,790
See, he meant to say
washing machine.
481
00:20:12,830 --> 00:20:15,500
He didn't say that though.
He's hilarious. Hilarious.
482
00:20:15,540 --> 00:20:18,090
Hey, buddy, want
some more of my ice cream?
483
00:20:18,130 --> 00:20:19,300
Uh, you guys have been generous
with your desserts,
484
00:20:19,340 --> 00:20:20,800
but I think he's had enough.
485
00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:24,470
Oh, he deserves it,
just for being so cute
and yummy.
486
00:20:24,510 --> 00:20:26,430
He's not so cute
when he's vomiting.
487
00:20:26,470 --> 00:20:28,260
OK.
488
00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:29,890
Hey, what you drawing
there, Kirb?
489
00:20:29,930 --> 00:20:31,480
A picture of
Doug and Carrie.
490
00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:34,520
Oh, isn't that sweet?
Love him.
491
00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:38,190
And what they were doing
last night.
492
00:20:39,940 --> 00:20:41,650
Uh, we don't really need
another picture.
493
00:20:41,700 --> 00:20:45,320
Yeah. You know, we got
pictures up the butt.
You know what I'm saying?
494
00:20:45,370 --> 00:20:46,410
We do.
495
00:20:46,450 --> 00:20:48,240
Yeah, but not
from my child.
496
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,250
He signs and numbers
each one.
497
00:20:50,290 --> 00:20:52,120
Hey, bet you can't do
an outline of my hand.
498
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:53,290
I don't want to.
499
00:20:53,330 --> 00:20:54,710
Go ahead, try it. Do it.
Color it in red.
500
00:20:54,750 --> 00:20:56,460
Make a little turkey out of it.
Gobble gobble gobble.
501
00:20:56,500 --> 00:20:58,170
Would you
let the boy draw
his picture, man?
502
00:20:58,210 --> 00:20:59,460
All right.
All right.
503
00:20:59,500 --> 00:21:01,760
I heard drawing
makes you gay.
504
00:21:04,300 --> 00:21:05,050
What?
505
00:21:05,090 --> 00:21:06,180
It's true.
506
00:21:06,220 --> 00:21:07,890
It happened to my friend Bill.
507
00:21:07,930 --> 00:21:10,640
Okay, you guys have been
acting very weird
since we got back.
508
00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:12,520
What's the deal?
509
00:21:13,310 --> 00:21:17,940
All right.
Uh, t-the truth is, uh,
510
00:21:17,980 --> 00:21:19,190
we have something to tell you,
511
00:21:19,230 --> 00:21:21,530
and, uh, this is difficult
for us.
512
00:21:22,860 --> 00:21:25,530
He...makes things up.
513
00:21:27,530 --> 00:21:31,700
It-it's true,
like his drawings, uh,
for instance.
514
00:21:31,750 --> 00:21:35,290
Usually they're
like the opposite of
what actually happened.
515
00:21:36,500 --> 00:21:38,130
Done, Mommy.
516
00:21:45,300 --> 00:21:47,510
We're gonna take this.
517
00:21:52,970 --> 00:21:57,020
So I'm guessing this
wouldn't be appropriate
to hang on our fridge.
518
00:21:57,060 --> 00:21:58,150
I wouldn't mind.
519
00:21:58,190 --> 00:22:01,150
You'll notice he was
very generous with me.
520
00:22:01,190 --> 00:22:03,110
I noticed.
521
00:22:03,150 --> 00:22:04,570
Ouch.
522
00:22:06,910 --> 00:22:10,530
[**]
36808
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