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1
00:00:02,160 --> 00:00:04,750
[**]
2
00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:14,010
MALE REFEREE:Holding,number 73 of the offense.
3
00:00:14,050 --> 00:00:17,550
10 yards fromthe spot of the foul.
4
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:19,350
What are
you doing?!
5
00:00:19,390 --> 00:00:21,310
Well, from your
tone of voice,
6
00:00:21,350 --> 00:00:24,350
I'm guessing
not the right thing.
7
00:00:24,390 --> 00:00:25,850
Why aren't
you dressed?
8
00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:29,610
Deacon and Kelly
are gonna come pick
us up, like, now.
9
00:00:29,650 --> 00:00:31,030
The game's almost over.
10
00:00:31,070 --> 00:00:32,860
It'll take me 5 minutes
to throw on my tux.
11
00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:36,820
Doug, I've seen you
lose half a day
on a shoe horn.
12
00:00:37,870 --> 00:00:40,080
OK, OK.
Thank you.
13
00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:41,790
SPORTSCASTER:
He breaks a tackle at the 10!
14
00:00:41,830 --> 00:00:45,580
Oh, my God! He'sin for the score!Jets touchdown!
15
00:00:45,620 --> 00:00:49,540
OK, being on
your feet instead
of your ass:
16
00:00:49,590 --> 00:00:50,920
not enough progress.
17
00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:53,630
You try getting up
off my ass.
18
00:00:56,130 --> 00:00:57,220
Doug, this isn't fair.
19
00:00:57,260 --> 00:00:58,720
Todd's an old friend
of mine.
20
00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:00,430
If we don't go to
one ofyourfriend's weddings,
21
00:01:00,470 --> 00:01:03,310
you'd be all...
Nah, no, you wouldn't.
22
00:01:04,100 --> 00:01:05,980
Look, I'm at
the closet, huh?
23
00:01:06,020 --> 00:01:07,230
Have you showered?
24
00:01:07,270 --> 00:01:08,610
Yeah, this morning.
25
00:01:08,650 --> 00:01:09,860
That was
6 hours ago.
26
00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:13,440
I haven't moved.
You pointed that
out yourself.
27
00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:15,320
OK, let's come
at it this way.
28
00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:17,740
What's the argument
against showering?
29
00:01:17,780 --> 00:01:19,410
Well, for one thing,
30
00:01:19,450 --> 00:01:21,870
the towel I used this morning
is still damp.
31
00:01:21,910 --> 00:01:23,240
I'd have to get a new towel,
32
00:01:23,290 --> 00:01:26,370
create a whole...
laundry situation.
33
00:01:27,580 --> 00:01:29,380
Plus, second shower
of the day...
34
00:01:29,420 --> 00:01:31,040
Shampoo? No shampoo?
35
00:01:31,090 --> 00:01:33,920
It's a can of worms,
Carrie, really.
36
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:36,010
Doug, come here,
come here.
37
00:01:36,050 --> 00:01:40,390
[SNIFFS]
Shower. 'Kay?
Thanks.
38
00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:48,310
Oh, Daddy, you
look so handsome.
39
00:01:48,350 --> 00:01:50,900
Huh? Oh, thank you.
40
00:01:51,980 --> 00:01:53,480
Something wrong?
41
00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:55,940
Uh, nothing I wanna
worry you about.
42
00:01:55,990 --> 00:01:57,400
OK.
43
00:01:57,450 --> 00:01:59,910
It's that damn
RSVP card!
44
00:01:59,950 --> 00:02:01,570
OK.
45
00:02:01,620 --> 00:02:03,370
Remember when the
wedding invitations came,
46
00:02:03,410 --> 00:02:05,700
we had to check
whether we wanted
steak or fish?
47
00:02:05,750 --> 00:02:07,290
Yeah.
I'd just had
48
00:02:07,330 --> 00:02:09,170
a big porterhouse steak
at the time,
49
00:02:09,210 --> 00:02:10,500
so I checked "fish".
50
00:02:10,540 --> 00:02:11,960
Now I haven't had
steak in weeks.
51
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:14,590
I'd like
a nice steak today!
52
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:19,180
Dad... Dad, I'm sure
we can work it out.
Don't worry.
53
00:02:19,220 --> 00:02:22,050
Yeah, you're right.
I'm gonna give Todd
a call right now,
54
00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:24,140
straighten it out.
Ah, Dad...
55
00:02:24,180 --> 00:02:25,770
Todd is getting married
in two hours.
56
00:02:25,810 --> 00:02:27,310
I don't think
he wants to spend time
57
00:02:27,350 --> 00:02:29,020
on your little entree
dilemma right now.
58
00:02:29,060 --> 00:02:31,310
I was a second father
to that boy.
59
00:02:31,350 --> 00:02:33,820
He can't get me
a nice piece of meat?
60
00:02:36,820 --> 00:02:38,360
Daddy...
Yeah?
61
00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:40,320
I will give you
a thousand dollars
62
00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:42,370
if you let this thing go.
63
00:02:43,620 --> 00:02:46,750
Oh, if only,
life were that easy.
64
00:02:50,370 --> 00:02:52,330
[EFFORTING]
Oh, my God.
65
00:03:05,260 --> 00:03:07,310
What's going on?
66
00:03:07,970 --> 00:03:09,560
Just gettin' dressed.
67
00:03:11,190 --> 00:03:13,310
Doug, your tux
doesn't fit anymore?
68
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,320
It's those damn
dry cleaners.
69
00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:16,940
They must've shrunk it.
70
00:03:18,070 --> 00:03:21,030
All right, let's just
cram you in there.
71
00:03:21,070 --> 00:03:22,700
Hey-humunnuh-hah!
72
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:26,080
You can't just go
right up the middle.
73
00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:27,910
You gotta let me
choose a side first.
74
00:03:34,670 --> 00:03:35,920
OK.
75
00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:39,460
OK...deep breath.
76
00:03:39,510 --> 00:03:41,470
[INHALES, EXHALES]
77
00:03:41,510 --> 00:03:44,090
OK, I meant
hold it in.
78
00:03:44,140 --> 00:03:45,220
[INHALES]
79
00:03:45,260 --> 00:03:46,720
OK, all right...
80
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:47,720
[SQUEAKS]
81
00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:49,470
All right...
82
00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:51,850
A little more, baby.
A little more.
83
00:03:51,890 --> 00:03:53,600
Please...
help me.
84
00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:55,400
Ohh...
85
00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:58,360
OK...how's that?
86
00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,440
[SQUEAKING]
Let me out.
87
00:04:03,450 --> 00:04:06,280
Doug, I asked you
to try on the tux
2 months ago
88
00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:08,240
when we got
the invitation.
89
00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:10,750
I know. I didn't think
I'd put on any weight.
90
00:04:10,790 --> 00:04:13,670
That's it.
No more cheese for me.
91
00:04:13,710 --> 00:04:15,790
All right,
give me the pants.
I'll let 'em out.
92
00:04:15,830 --> 00:04:19,710
There you go.
Simple solution
right there, huh?
93
00:04:19,750 --> 00:04:22,880
Ah, sweet cheese,
welcome back.
94
00:04:24,010 --> 00:04:25,340
[REFEREE WHISTLE BLOWS ON TV]
95
00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:27,510
OK, lettin' out
the pants,
96
00:04:27,550 --> 00:04:29,680
lettin' out
the pants...
97
00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:32,060
Don't know how
to do that.
98
00:04:32,100 --> 00:04:33,140
[DOORBELL RINGS]
99
00:04:33,180 --> 00:04:35,690
Fabulous.
They're here.
100
00:04:35,730 --> 00:04:39,320
[SPORTSCASTER
CALLING GAME ON TV]
101
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:45,280
Hi.
Hey, Carrie.
102
00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:46,610
You look great.
103
00:04:46,660 --> 00:04:48,240
Oh, thanks.
You guys, too.
104
00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:51,080
Hey, Carrie,
I may have solved
the problem.
105
00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:53,200
What if I iron up
my black sweats?
106
00:04:53,250 --> 00:04:54,660
No one will know
the difference.
107
00:04:57,170 --> 00:04:58,590
Don't think so.
108
00:05:00,750 --> 00:05:02,090
What's going on?
109
00:05:02,130 --> 00:05:04,090
He had 2 months
to try on his tux,
110
00:05:04,130 --> 00:05:05,720
but he waited
till 10 minutes ago,
111
00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:07,430
and now his pants
don't fit.
112
00:05:07,470 --> 00:05:09,720
See, that's
the way you're
supposed to look.
113
00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:11,180
Trying my tux on
2 months ago
114
00:05:11,220 --> 00:05:14,350
was not gonna
make me 6'5"
and black.
115
00:05:16,390 --> 00:05:17,600
Don't remind me.
116
00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:20,190
We're gonna be
so late.
117
00:05:20,230 --> 00:05:21,480
Kel, do you know
how to sew?
118
00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:22,780
No, but he does.
119
00:05:22,820 --> 00:05:25,070
Beautiful.
Sew like
the wind.
120
00:05:25,110 --> 00:05:26,650
No problem.
Kel, come upstairs.
121
00:05:26,700 --> 00:05:29,570
Help me finish
getting ready.
122
00:05:41,710 --> 00:05:44,590
So, where'd you
learn tosew?
123
00:05:46,050 --> 00:05:47,430
National Guard.
124
00:05:47,470 --> 00:05:50,350
They teach you
to knit little
booties, too?
125
00:05:50,390 --> 00:05:55,730
No, but they taught me
how to kill a man with
a thumb to the eyeball.
126
00:05:57,060 --> 00:06:00,270
Just take 'em out
about 2 inches
is fine.
127
00:06:00,310 --> 00:06:01,730
You know you're
good friends with someone
128
00:06:01,770 --> 00:06:05,030
when you're willing to shove
your arm up their pantyhose.
129
00:06:05,070 --> 00:06:07,530
How could every pair
have a run in them?
130
00:06:07,570 --> 00:06:08,700
I walk and sit.
131
00:06:08,740 --> 00:06:10,160
To look at these,
you'd think I scale
132
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:12,620
barbed wire for a living.
133
00:06:12,660 --> 00:06:14,540
So, is it gonna be
a little weird for you,
134
00:06:14,580 --> 00:06:16,250
seeing Todd walk
down the aisle?
135
00:06:16,290 --> 00:06:18,210
Why would it
be weird?
136
00:06:18,250 --> 00:06:20,380
Girl, you know what
I'm talking about.
137
00:06:20,420 --> 00:06:22,880
Shut up.
It was one time.
138
00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:27,920
I was young.
I had very high hair.
It hardly even counts.
139
00:06:27,970 --> 00:06:29,720
Mm-hmm.
140
00:06:31,180 --> 00:06:34,010
Ooh, nice work.
Very nice.
141
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:35,430
Thank you.
142
00:06:35,470 --> 00:06:37,560
You must've been
popular with the
other guardsmen.
143
00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:40,400
[SPORTING EVENT PLAYING ON TV]
144
00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:41,940
I did all right.
145
00:06:43,650 --> 00:06:45,440
I'll tell you, though,
I still wish
146
00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:48,030
we didn't have to waste
half our Saturday on
this stupid thing.
147
00:06:48,070 --> 00:06:50,240
Yeah, tell me about it.
Some good games on.
148
00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:51,450
Yeah. Hell,
Carrie and Kelly
149
00:06:51,490 --> 00:06:53,160
are the ones
went to school
with this guy.
150
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:55,240
They should go as
each other's dates
and leave us out of it.
151
00:06:55,290 --> 00:06:57,870
Absolutely.
Hey, you know what
we should do to get even?
152
00:06:57,910 --> 00:07:02,080
Next time, drag Carrie
to a wedding of somebody
youhad sex with.
153
00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:03,790
Yeah, right.
154
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:05,800
What?
155
00:07:06,500 --> 00:07:09,170
Uh...
156
00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:10,630
n-n-nothing?
157
00:07:11,970 --> 00:07:15,100
Are you saying
that Carrie had
sex with Todd?
158
00:07:15,140 --> 00:07:16,970
Maybe?
159
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:20,980
Probably not, though?
160
00:07:21,770 --> 00:07:23,480
Well, did she?
Yes.
161
00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:25,270
Before you guys
were ever together.
162
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:26,440
I assumed you knew.
163
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:28,320
No. Carrie
never told me!
164
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:29,860
Told you what?
165
00:07:29,900 --> 00:07:33,910
About Todd and
Carrie and the...
w-w-wahhh!
166
00:07:33,950 --> 00:07:35,450
You weren't supposed
to tell him!
167
00:07:35,490 --> 00:07:36,740
You never
said that.
168
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:38,040
Well, I assumed you
weren't an idiot.
169
00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:39,910
Well, you assumed wrong.
170
00:07:41,830 --> 00:07:44,790
I feel like
I've been punched
in the stomach.
171
00:07:44,830 --> 00:07:47,960
OK...I got
pantyhose,
172
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:51,260
you got pants.
We are good to go!
173
00:07:59,430 --> 00:08:02,850
God, Long Island
is so beautiful.
174
00:08:02,890 --> 00:08:07,940
We should get
an estate out here,
hon, ha ha ha!
175
00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:12,320
Hey, I'm looking
to make a swap.
176
00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:14,110
You order the steak
or the fish?
177
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:15,740
Fish.
You?
178
00:08:15,780 --> 00:08:17,450
Fish.
179
00:08:17,490 --> 00:08:19,830
Can't catch
a break here.
180
00:08:30,630 --> 00:08:33,470
So, nice ceremony, huh?
181
00:08:33,510 --> 00:08:37,930
I can't believe
little Todd is
actually married.
182
00:08:37,970 --> 00:08:41,140
LittleTodd, huh?
Heh heh heh...
183
00:08:42,980 --> 00:08:45,690
So, you really
teared up back there.
184
00:08:45,730 --> 00:08:48,440
Well, hon,
we go way back.
185
00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:49,770
Hmm.
What?
186
00:08:49,820 --> 00:08:51,780
I was just thinking,
what with you and Todd
187
00:08:51,820 --> 00:08:53,650
being such old,
close friends,
188
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:55,660
I'm surprised
the two of you,
189
00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:58,070
you know,
never hooked up.
190
00:08:58,120 --> 00:08:59,580
Wha-what
do you mean?
191
00:08:59,620 --> 00:09:01,290
You know, got freaky...
192
00:09:01,330 --> 00:09:03,960
did the y-y-yazzbahh!
193
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:07,420
Is that what
you kids are calling
it these days?
194
00:09:07,460 --> 00:09:09,130
Ha ha ha!
You're funny, honey.
195
00:09:09,170 --> 00:09:11,760
Actually,
now that I see him
with the lights up,
196
00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:14,220
he's not the best-looking
bow in the bag.
197
00:09:14,260 --> 00:09:16,890
Look at those
beady eyes, huh?
198
00:09:16,930 --> 00:09:19,600
That gigantic,
misshapen head.
199
00:09:20,890 --> 00:09:23,060
He's kind of a freak,
actually. Heh.
200
00:09:23,100 --> 00:09:24,930
You'd have to be
quite a hard up skank
201
00:09:24,980 --> 00:09:26,980
to want to jump those bones,
huh, Carrie?
202
00:09:27,020 --> 00:09:28,270
[LAUGHS]
203
00:09:28,310 --> 00:09:32,980
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]
Well, skank is
a little harsh.
204
00:09:33,030 --> 00:09:34,360
Is it? Oh, whatever.
205
00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:36,200
Hey, look, they got
little fried things.
206
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:39,910
Ahem.
207
00:09:39,950 --> 00:09:42,950
So, word on the street is
you ordered the steak.
208
00:09:42,990 --> 00:09:44,330
Uh, yes. Why?
209
00:09:44,370 --> 00:09:46,080
You didn't hear?
210
00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:49,540
There's been
some rumblings
about the meat.
211
00:09:51,170 --> 00:09:52,170
What do you mean?
212
00:09:52,210 --> 00:09:53,460
Mad cow disease.
213
00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:55,420
I had it as a child,
so I'm immune.
214
00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:59,340
I ordered the fish,
but I'd be happy to
switch entrees with you.
215
00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:01,100
No, thank you.
216
00:10:01,890 --> 00:10:04,470
Kel, does Doug
seem weird
217
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:05,730
to you at all today?
218
00:10:05,770 --> 00:10:06,690
What do you mean?
219
00:10:06,730 --> 00:10:08,190
Well, it just,
like...
220
00:10:08,230 --> 00:10:10,560
It seems like
he knows what happened
between Todd and I,
221
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,020
like he smells it on me.
222
00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:15,780
Huh. Well, men
are perceptive like that.
223
00:10:15,820 --> 00:10:18,280
Have you met Doug?
224
00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:21,490
Well, no, no, maybe you were
just projecting a vibe or...
225
00:10:21,530 --> 00:10:22,700
[SIGHS]
226
00:10:22,740 --> 00:10:24,370
Deacon told him.
227
00:10:24,410 --> 00:10:25,540
You told Deacon?!
228
00:10:25,580 --> 00:10:26,960
He wasn't supposed
to say anything,
229
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:30,210
but I will tell
you this--he is
in big trouble.
230
00:10:30,250 --> 00:10:32,040
Oh, thank you.
231
00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:34,460
What am I
gonna do?
232
00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:37,920
"We're just friends,
part of the same crowd."
233
00:10:37,970 --> 00:10:42,140
Crowd, yeah.
Two'sa crowd.
234
00:10:42,180 --> 00:10:43,810
Good one, Dougie.
235
00:10:43,850 --> 00:10:46,060
Hey, where you going?
You're with us, pal.
236
00:10:46,100 --> 00:10:47,770
Just try to
forget about it, all right.
237
00:10:47,810 --> 00:10:49,350
It's not
that big a deal.
238
00:10:49,390 --> 00:10:51,230
That's easy
for you to say.
239
00:10:51,270 --> 00:10:52,860
Oh, and speaking of easy,
240
00:10:52,900 --> 00:10:55,400
here comes
the little missus.
241
00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:58,450
I'm gonna find Kelly.
I'll catch up with
you later.
242
00:10:58,490 --> 00:10:59,530
Hi, Carrie.
243
00:10:59,570 --> 00:11:00,910
[TERSELY]
Deacon.
244
00:11:00,950 --> 00:11:02,120
Uh-oh.
245
00:11:03,780 --> 00:11:05,990
Hi there.
Hey.
246
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,540
You know, we should
just pop into that
reception line
247
00:11:08,580 --> 00:11:10,290
and say congrats
to them.
248
00:11:10,330 --> 00:11:13,130
Great. Perfect.
Let's pop.
249
00:11:16,630 --> 00:11:21,590
Hey...ahem...
Remember when
you asked me
250
00:11:21,630 --> 00:11:23,760
if Todd and I
ever had a thing?
251
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,640
Well, I was just thinking,
252
00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:29,270
and I think maybe
one time, we may have.
253
00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:33,440
Yeah. Yeah...
We--We did.
254
00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:37,730
I, like, totally
forgot about it.
Oh, my God!
255
00:11:37,780 --> 00:11:40,740
Heh heh...
Anyhoo...
256
00:11:40,780 --> 00:11:42,320
Nice room, isn't it?
257
00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:46,410
I wanna take one of
those centerpieces
home just for you.
258
00:11:46,450 --> 00:11:47,990
You finally
come clean, huh?
259
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:50,960
Doug, please don't
make a big deal about this.
260
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:52,460
It was a long time ago.
261
00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:54,170
Then why didn't
you tell me in
the first place, huh?
262
00:11:54,210 --> 00:11:56,460
It's an interesting
point I raise,
isn't it?
263
00:11:56,500 --> 00:11:58,670
Isn't it?!
264
00:11:58,710 --> 00:11:59,960
Doug, Carrie, hey!
265
00:12:00,010 --> 00:12:03,510
Hey, hi.
Congratulations,
Todd, on...
266
00:12:03,550 --> 00:12:04,800
everything.
267
00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:06,260
Oh, thanks for coming.
268
00:12:07,140 --> 00:12:08,720
Hey, you.
Hi.
269
00:12:08,770 --> 00:12:11,310
Come on. How about
a hug, huh?
270
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:14,690
OK.
271
00:12:15,770 --> 00:12:19,530
Hey...Paula,
come here, you!
Yeah!
272
00:12:19,570 --> 00:12:21,400
Oh, God!
273
00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:22,820
Have we met?
274
00:12:22,860 --> 00:12:24,860
Oh, we have now.
275
00:12:26,030 --> 00:12:28,660
You--You look
so beautiful.
276
00:12:28,700 --> 00:12:30,080
Thank you.
277
00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:33,370
I'm glad you're here.
It means a lot to me.
278
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:35,460
Let me steal
another one, OK?
279
00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:37,710
One more
for Daddy!
280
00:12:42,670 --> 00:12:44,090
Doug.
281
00:12:45,180 --> 00:12:47,470
I'm almost done.
282
00:12:47,510 --> 00:12:50,020
Mmm...ah!
There you go.
283
00:12:50,060 --> 00:12:52,890
God, I love
this kid, heh heh.
284
00:12:55,230 --> 00:12:57,400
So, Todd,
I'm very happy
for you.
285
00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:00,030
I hope you have
a long and healthy
life together.
286
00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:02,860
That being said,
I need to talk to
you about my entree
287
00:13:02,900 --> 00:13:05,820
because I'm gettin'
the run-around here!
288
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,700
OK, Doug, you
made your point.
289
00:13:08,740 --> 00:13:10,370
I'm sorry
I never told you.
290
00:13:10,410 --> 00:13:13,370
Now, could we just
forget about it and
enjoy the wedding?
291
00:13:13,410 --> 00:13:15,460
Now it all makes sense.
292
00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:16,620
"Shower, Doug."
293
00:13:16,670 --> 00:13:18,170
"Fit into
that tux, Doug."
294
00:13:18,210 --> 00:13:20,050
You just wanted
to doll me up
295
00:13:20,090 --> 00:13:25,300
and show off
your trophy to your
precious little Todd.
296
00:13:25,340 --> 00:13:26,720
Would you stop it?
297
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:29,100
We're together
one time, 9 years ago,
298
00:13:29,140 --> 00:13:30,890
on a ski trip,
for God's sakes.
299
00:13:30,930 --> 00:13:33,220
Yeah? Then why'd you
need to lie about it?
300
00:13:33,270 --> 00:13:35,140
I did not lie about it.
I never once said
301
00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:37,520
"I did not sleep with Todd."
You just assumed it.
302
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:39,150
OK, yeah.
This is my fault.
303
00:13:39,190 --> 00:13:40,980
So, from now on,
when we meet a guy,
304
00:13:41,020 --> 00:13:42,360
I'll just assume you
did sleep with him
305
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:44,240
unless you
tell me otherwise,
you know?
306
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:46,820
Maybe we'll work out
a little signal,
all right?
307
00:13:46,860 --> 00:13:48,700
Uh, this is "No,"
308
00:13:48,740 --> 00:13:51,790
Andthis is "Yes"!
309
00:13:54,870 --> 00:13:57,080
You know, I'm not
gonna talk to you
310
00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,790
when you're out
of control like this.
311
00:14:01,540 --> 00:14:03,300
Look what you did.
I'm sorry.
312
00:14:03,340 --> 00:14:06,420
I had the needle,
the thread...
313
00:14:06,470 --> 00:14:08,720
I just started gabbing.
314
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:09,930
Why do guys overreact
to this stuff?
315
00:14:09,970 --> 00:14:11,430
Look, I tried
to calm him down,
316
00:14:11,470 --> 00:14:13,770
but the truth is
I don't think he
is overreacting.
317
00:14:13,810 --> 00:14:15,560
You were friends
with this guy, too.
318
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:17,520
I'd be upset
if I found outyou
slept with him
319
00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:19,150
and never toldme
about it.
320
00:14:25,650 --> 00:14:29,070
I'm just saying you can't make
a person choose a meal
321
00:14:29,110 --> 00:14:31,280
eight weeks in advance,
it's barbaric.
322
00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:33,790
Please, can we just
talk about this later?
323
00:14:33,830 --> 00:14:35,830
'Cause, you know,
the line is backing up, and...
324
00:14:35,870 --> 00:14:38,960
February 23rd,
the year 2005,
325
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:40,540
fish or steak, Todd?
326
00:14:40,580 --> 00:14:42,170
Decide right now!
327
00:14:43,170 --> 00:14:44,800
It doesn't feel
too good when you're
328
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:46,630
on the hot seat,
does it, Todd?
329
00:14:46,670 --> 00:14:48,010
Does it?!
330
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,230
Mr. And Mrs.
Todd Schovanski.
331
00:15:03,270 --> 00:15:06,150
Aren't they beautiful,
ladies and gentlemen?
332
00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:11,910
And now we'd like to
invite all the couples
who are in love
333
00:15:11,950 --> 00:15:14,660
to join Todd and Paula
on the dance floor.
334
00:15:14,700 --> 00:15:16,870
Get on up there,
ladies and gentlemen.
335
00:15:18,410 --> 00:15:21,750
[PLAYING SLOW,
JAZZY NUMBER]
336
00:15:24,210 --> 00:15:28,090
So, welcome to
the "Todd had your wife
before you did" Club.
337
00:15:28,130 --> 00:15:30,930
Hey, Kelly swore
they didn't sleep
together.
338
00:15:30,970 --> 00:15:32,390
They just fooled around.
339
00:15:32,430 --> 00:15:33,720
Which means what?
340
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:35,310
I didn't ask.
341
00:15:36,470 --> 00:15:38,390
Actually, you gotta
give the guy credit.
342
00:15:38,430 --> 00:15:39,560
He nailed
both our wives,
343
00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:41,390
and now here we are,
giving him gifts.
344
00:15:51,490 --> 00:15:53,110
Well, hey,
there she is!
345
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:54,620
Hi.
Heh heh.
346
00:15:54,660 --> 00:15:57,370
So, where are you kids headed
off for the ol' honeymoon?
347
00:15:57,410 --> 00:15:59,620
Not that it matters.
I'm sure you'll be spending
348
00:15:59,660 --> 00:16:02,420
the whole time indoors,
am I right, huh?
349
00:16:02,460 --> 00:16:03,750
[NERVOUS]
I don't really know.
350
00:16:03,790 --> 00:16:05,790
Well, I'm just
assuming that 'cause...
351
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:07,420
you know, once you've been
with a guy like Todd,
352
00:16:07,460 --> 00:16:11,340
I'm sure everyone after that
would--would be a let down.
353
00:16:11,380 --> 00:16:13,090
Am I right, or wrong?
354
00:16:13,130 --> 00:16:14,340
Please tell me.
355
00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:15,930
Um, I think my father
356
00:16:15,970 --> 00:16:17,220
wants to dance with me.
357
00:16:17,260 --> 00:16:19,350
All right.
Hey, congratulations again.
358
00:16:24,230 --> 00:16:26,270
Todd and I were roommates
at college,
359
00:16:26,310 --> 00:16:28,480
and, Paula, let me give
you a little advice:
360
00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:30,280
Hide your laundry money.
361
00:16:32,780 --> 00:16:36,030
Uh, but seriously,
Todd and I have been
through a lot together:
362
00:16:36,070 --> 00:16:39,870
Bio class, the big games,
keg parties at Phi Delt...
363
00:16:39,910 --> 00:16:42,040
Todd never
touched the stuff...
364
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:51,720
Oh, excuse me.
I ordered the steak.
365
00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:53,800
No, sir,
you didn't.
366
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,970
How do you know
what I ordered?
Were you there?
367
00:16:57,010 --> 00:16:58,810
Uh, no. The people
who ordered steak
368
00:16:58,850 --> 00:17:00,600
have a black ribbon
on their place card.
369
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:03,440
You have a yellow ribbon,
which is for fish.
370
00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:04,810
Yellow ribbon?
No, no, no.
371
00:17:04,850 --> 00:17:06,900
That's for
the hostages.
372
00:17:09,270 --> 00:17:12,240
Congratulations, guys,
and, Todd...
373
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:14,070
I love you, man.
374
00:17:18,660 --> 00:17:20,040
And next on the toast list
375
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:23,790
is Paula's first cousin,
Jill McCarthy.
376
00:17:28,250 --> 00:17:30,670
Well, Paul was always
the youngest cousin
377
00:17:30,710 --> 00:17:32,670
in the family,
the baby.
378
00:17:32,710 --> 00:17:35,880
And Paula, I cannot believe
that you're actually married--
379
00:17:35,930 --> 00:17:37,550
before me. Heh.
380
00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:38,970
So, Doug,
what's the deal,
381
00:17:39,010 --> 00:17:40,810
you're not gonna
come and sit
and eat dinner
382
00:17:40,850 --> 00:17:42,890
because I
slept with Todd
9 years ago?
383
00:17:42,930 --> 00:17:44,930
That's correct.
384
00:17:45,690 --> 00:17:47,560
Come on.
385
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,270
Doug, what is
going on with you?
386
00:17:49,310 --> 00:17:52,980
You know we were both
with other people before
we ever got together.
387
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:54,780
In fact, you showed me
that list you kept.
388
00:17:54,820 --> 00:17:56,400
That's right,
I showed you my list,
389
00:17:56,450 --> 00:17:59,070
and there was no one
missingon my list,
either.
390
00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:02,200
In fact, I threw in
a few fakes just to
fill it out.
391
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:05,080
OK, so I didn't
make a list.
Excuse me.
392
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:06,210
That's not the point.
393
00:18:06,250 --> 00:18:07,870
The point is we've
hung out with Todd.
394
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,330
And all those times,
you knew, he knew...
395
00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:11,670
Everyone knew except
the big, fat idiot here.
396
00:18:11,710 --> 00:18:16,090
What, were you laughing
and high-fiving each other
behind my back?
397
00:18:16,130 --> 00:18:18,300
Yeah, that's what
we were doing.
398
00:18:19,220 --> 00:18:21,600
You made a fool
of me, Carrie,
399
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:23,470
and I would never
do that to you.
400
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:26,520
JILL:
...really special tonight.
I really love you.
401
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,810
Congratulations,
you guys.
402
00:18:30,150 --> 00:18:33,980
Next on the magic list here
is...Carrie Heffernan.
403
00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:36,030
Oh. No...
[PEOPLE DINGING GLASSES]
404
00:18:36,070 --> 00:18:38,110
Come on up, Carrie.
405
00:18:38,150 --> 00:18:39,280
Come on up.
406
00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:40,570
Come on.
OK.
407
00:18:43,660 --> 00:18:49,080
Hi. Uh...what can
I say about Todd?
408
00:18:50,670 --> 00:18:52,250
I'm just remembering now,
409
00:18:52,290 --> 00:18:54,800
Todd and I ran into
each other a few years
ago at a party,
410
00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:59,680
and I was there on
my second date with
this guy named Doug--
411
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:00,930
who's now my husband--
412
00:19:00,970 --> 00:19:03,180
[APPLAUSE]
413
00:19:05,180 --> 00:19:06,680
Thank you.
414
00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:09,600
Anyway, um,
I introduced Todd as
my really good friend,
415
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:14,110
which was mostly true
except for one thing
that I left out,
416
00:19:14,150 --> 00:19:17,780
which was that Todd and I
had actually been...
417
00:19:17,820 --> 00:19:19,530
sexually intimate.
418
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:25,950
Doug!
419
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:30,460
Doug, would you
listen to me?
420
00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:32,500
Maybe I should've told you
the truth that night,
421
00:19:32,540 --> 00:19:34,290
but I didn't because
I really liked you,
422
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:36,340
and I wanted things
to work out between us.
423
00:19:36,380 --> 00:19:40,300
If I would've said,
"Hey, P.S., you see
that guy over there?
424
00:19:40,340 --> 00:19:43,850
I did him..."
Would you have
asked me out again?
425
00:19:43,890 --> 00:19:45,310
I don't know.
Maybe.
426
00:19:45,350 --> 00:19:47,310
Yeah, maybe.
And maybe not.
427
00:19:47,350 --> 00:19:50,520
And then we wouldn't
have gone to Coney Island,
428
00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:53,360
and you wouldn't
have kissed me on
the bumper cars,
429
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:58,110
and I would've missed out
on the best thing that's
ever happened to me.
430
00:19:58,940 --> 00:20:01,400
You're referring
to me?
431
00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:05,370
Yes, I'm referring
to you. I love you.
432
00:20:05,410 --> 00:20:08,240
I love you, too.
433
00:20:09,870 --> 00:20:12,540
Maybe I overreacted.
It's just that...
434
00:20:12,580 --> 00:20:16,800
even imagining you
with another guy
just gets me insane.
435
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:18,130
Believe me...
436
00:20:18,170 --> 00:20:19,420
CARRIE [OVER P.A.]:
...my thing with Todd
437
00:20:19,460 --> 00:20:21,970
was nothingto get insane about.
438
00:20:23,430 --> 00:20:24,640
Really?
439
00:20:25,890 --> 00:20:27,720
Really. It was nothing,
440
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:29,350
and I meannothing.
441
00:20:31,350 --> 00:20:32,770
Nada. Zip.
442
00:20:32,810 --> 00:20:34,650
Over in a minute.
443
00:20:34,690 --> 00:20:36,820
Ha ha!In a minute,really?
444
00:20:36,860 --> 00:20:38,650
Yeah, if that.
445
00:20:38,690 --> 00:20:40,240
[BOTH LAUGHING]
446
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:43,240
And then he kept apologizing,and he burst into tears.
447
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,070
Then he said something abouthaving a fear of intimacy
448
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:46,620
because his mother didn'thold him as a child.
449
00:20:46,660 --> 00:20:49,080
It was, like, "Too muchinformation, buddy."
450
00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:51,790
Ha ha ha ha!
451
00:20:51,830 --> 00:20:53,290
Oh, my God!
452
00:20:54,290 --> 00:20:57,250
Hey, is that--
Is that microphone
still on?
453
00:21:04,470 --> 00:21:06,300
Heh heh...
454
00:21:06,340 --> 00:21:09,350
Hope you guys
enjoyed our
little skit.
455
00:21:09,390 --> 00:21:11,020
Ha ha!
456
00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:14,310
[CLEARS THROAT]
457
00:21:14,350 --> 00:21:16,150
It was just our little way
458
00:21:16,190 --> 00:21:19,860
of wishing Todd and Paula
good luck!
459
00:21:19,900 --> 00:21:21,150
Ha ha!
Good luck, kids.
460
00:21:21,190 --> 00:21:23,070
[CARRIE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
461
00:21:24,990 --> 00:21:26,610
Play something.
462
00:21:48,930 --> 00:21:53,100
Ahem. And now we'd
like to invite everyone
who ordered steak
463
00:21:53,140 --> 00:21:56,230
to join us on
the dance floor.
464
00:21:58,610 --> 00:22:00,570
[BAND CONTINUES PLAYING]
465
00:22:11,950 --> 00:22:14,950
[**]
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