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1
00:00:02,370 --> 00:00:04,670
[**]
2
00:00:14,380 --> 00:00:18,260
Oh, that is beautiful
in so many ways.
3
00:00:19,060 --> 00:00:20,310
Shut up.
4
00:00:20,350 --> 00:00:22,680
Hey, happy anniversary.
5
00:00:22,730 --> 00:00:24,350
Happy anniversary, baby.
6
00:00:24,390 --> 00:00:28,190
Oh, man, I want
to take you right here
with Betty Crocker watching.
7
00:00:28,230 --> 00:00:31,070
Heh. Come on, honey,
I got to get this ready.
8
00:00:31,110 --> 00:00:32,490
People are gonna
be here at 2:00,
9
00:00:32,530 --> 00:00:34,700
and it's already,
like, 20 of.
10
00:00:34,740 --> 00:00:36,160
Like 20 of?
11
00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:38,410
I think
a certain person's
anniversary gift
12
00:00:38,450 --> 00:00:40,660
can tell us
the exact time.
13
00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:43,960
1:37.
14
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:45,960
Isn't it great?
Look at that.
15
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:47,380
It's a ring.
It's a watch.
16
00:00:47,420 --> 00:00:49,040
It's a ring.
It's a watch.
17
00:00:49,090 --> 00:00:50,710
Are you done now?
18
00:00:50,750 --> 00:00:51,920
Ring/watch.
19
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,720
Honey, stop! Now,
make yourself useful.
20
00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:56,510
Go get me
the champagne flutes
from the armoire.
21
00:00:57,930 --> 00:00:59,640
OK. Skinny glasses,
big cabinet.
22
00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:01,430
Oh, all right.
23
00:01:03,430 --> 00:01:06,390
So, what do you think?
24
00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:07,600
OK.
25
00:01:07,650 --> 00:01:09,400
I wanted to do something
special for the party,
26
00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:12,320
so I thought
I'd go nautical.
27
00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:14,150
Well, you nailed it,
Dad.
28
00:01:14,190 --> 00:01:16,650
This the guest list?
29
00:01:16,700 --> 00:01:17,950
Yes, Dad.
30
00:01:17,990 --> 00:01:21,080
Joe Garver?
You invited Joe Garver?
31
00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:22,580
Yes, Dad.
32
00:01:22,620 --> 00:01:24,330
After what that son of a bitch
did to me at your wedding?
33
00:01:24,370 --> 00:01:26,250
3 deviled eggs
left on the tray.
34
00:01:26,290 --> 00:01:27,920
How many does he take?
How many?
35
00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:30,840
3, that selfish bastard.
36
00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:32,000
That's right!
37
00:01:32,050 --> 00:01:35,630
Well, the day
of reckoning has come.
38
00:01:35,670 --> 00:01:38,470
Payback time is here!
39
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:41,970
OK, Dad, listen to me.
40
00:01:42,010 --> 00:01:43,930
This is
our anniversary, OK?
41
00:01:43,970 --> 00:01:46,430
We want it to be
a very special day.
42
00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:48,020
So do you think you can
find it in your heart
43
00:01:48,060 --> 00:01:50,610
not to punch or strangle
any of our guests?
44
00:01:50,650 --> 00:01:52,610
Of course.
Anything for my baby.
45
00:01:52,650 --> 00:01:54,070
Thank you.
46
00:01:54,110 --> 00:01:56,320
Unless that Garver pulls
more of that deviled egg crap.
47
00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:58,360
Then all bets are off!
48
00:02:01,990 --> 00:02:05,250
[**]
49
00:02:11,630 --> 00:02:14,090
DOUG: Yeah. It's a ring.
It's a watch.
50
00:02:14,130 --> 00:02:15,590
Ring/watch.
51
00:02:15,630 --> 00:02:18,260
Wow. That's so neat.
52
00:02:20,050 --> 00:02:22,050
Spence, come here.
Get a picture of this.
53
00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:23,350
Comin' up.
54
00:02:23,390 --> 00:02:24,680
Doug, Doug, Doug.
It's a ring and a watch.
55
00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:27,730
No picture can capture both
at the same time.
56
00:02:29,230 --> 00:02:32,860
You thought she wanted
that strand of pearls thing.
57
00:02:32,900 --> 00:02:34,820
Well, joke's on me, huh?
58
00:02:36,780 --> 00:02:37,860
[SNIFFS]
59
00:02:37,900 --> 00:02:40,700
Ahh! She smells pretty!
60
00:02:40,740 --> 00:02:44,200
Spence, you know,
instead of inhaling Sara,
61
00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:46,620
you might want to try,
I don't know,
62
00:02:46,660 --> 00:02:47,830
talking to her?
63
00:02:47,870 --> 00:02:50,290
Uh, no, no,
that's not necessary.
64
00:02:50,330 --> 00:02:53,420
I mean,
the relationship's fine
the way it is.
65
00:02:53,460 --> 00:02:55,210
She thinks your name
is Stan.
66
00:02:55,250 --> 00:02:57,960
Look, it's fine.
I'm perfectly content
67
00:02:58,010 --> 00:02:59,970
just to be in
the same room with her
68
00:03:00,010 --> 00:03:03,140
to gather various
mental images of her
69
00:03:03,180 --> 00:03:06,470
for when...I'm home.
70
00:03:06,510 --> 00:03:08,310
[DOORBELL RINGS]
71
00:03:08,350 --> 00:03:10,730
All right,
well, you enjoy that.
72
00:03:11,940 --> 00:03:13,020
Aunt Sheila!
73
00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:14,940
Oh, Dougie!
74
00:03:14,980 --> 00:03:16,570
How was your flight?
I don't know.
75
00:03:16,610 --> 00:03:18,690
Between the Valium
and the Bloody Marys,
76
00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:21,820
I basically woke up
in the baggage claim.
77
00:03:21,860 --> 00:03:22,950
Such a mouth on you.
78
00:03:22,990 --> 00:03:24,370
Give me your coat.
Come here.
79
00:03:24,410 --> 00:03:25,950
Uncle Hank
parking the car?
80
00:03:25,990 --> 00:03:26,910
Nope.
81
00:03:26,950 --> 00:03:28,080
Where is he?
82
00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:29,410
He's still in Florida,
83
00:03:29,450 --> 00:03:32,920
hopefully underneath
a big falling anvil.
84
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:34,210
What?
85
00:03:34,250 --> 00:03:36,420
I left him, Dougie.
A month ago.
86
00:03:36,460 --> 00:03:38,760
It's the best thing
I ever did.
87
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:42,010
You guys have been married
for so long. What happened?
88
00:03:42,050 --> 00:03:44,050
I just got tired
of living my life
89
00:03:44,090 --> 00:03:46,720
to save a nickel
on a can of tuna fish.
90
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:47,970
That's what happened.
91
00:03:48,010 --> 00:03:51,230
Anyway,
I'm back up here now
for good.
92
00:03:51,270 --> 00:03:54,230
And finally,
I'm gonna live a little.
93
00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:57,610
This is a joke, right?
That's what this is.
94
00:03:57,650 --> 00:03:59,070
Uncle Hank?
95
00:03:59,110 --> 00:04:00,110
Aw...
96
00:04:00,150 --> 00:04:01,440
Oh, come on, Dougie.
97
00:04:01,490 --> 00:04:02,990
Honey,
it's gonna be OK.
98
00:04:03,030 --> 00:04:06,410
Listen to me.
If it's gonna make you
feel any better now,
99
00:04:06,450 --> 00:04:08,790
I want you to go pour
a nice glass of Scotch,
100
00:04:08,830 --> 00:04:12,910
take a little sip,
and bring the rest to me.
101
00:04:14,460 --> 00:04:18,130
OK. Looking good.
Yes. Big smiles.
102
00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:21,010
OK. If you could
just lick your lips,
103
00:04:21,050 --> 00:04:23,090
arch your backs
a little.
104
00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:26,550
There you go. Come on.
A little...all right!
105
00:04:27,390 --> 00:04:30,970
OK, Garver,
it's showtime.
106
00:04:31,020 --> 00:04:33,140
He's taking one...
107
00:04:33,180 --> 00:04:36,860
2...3...
108
00:04:36,900 --> 00:04:38,060
4...
109
00:04:38,110 --> 00:04:40,230
4!
110
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:43,570
What kind of an animal
eats 4 deviled eggs?
111
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:47,120
Oh, excuse me.
Huh?
112
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:49,490
Excuse me.
You're welcome
to one of mine.
113
00:04:49,530 --> 00:04:50,990
What?
Well, please!
114
00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:52,790
I couldn't possibly
eat both of these.
115
00:04:52,830 --> 00:04:54,210
Come on. Take 'em.
116
00:04:54,250 --> 00:04:55,830
Oh, thank you.
Yes.
117
00:04:55,870 --> 00:04:57,330
Please excuse my outburst.
118
00:04:57,380 --> 00:05:00,800
When it comes to buffet items,
I can be a bit of a brute.
119
00:05:02,550 --> 00:05:04,550
Arthur Eugene Spooner.
120
00:05:04,590 --> 00:05:07,140
Oh! You're
Carrie's father.
121
00:05:07,180 --> 00:05:09,050
How do you do?
122
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:11,100
I'm Doug's Aunt
Sheila Ratnasta.
123
00:05:11,140 --> 00:05:13,020
What a beautiful name.
124
00:05:13,060 --> 00:05:14,980
Thank you.
125
00:05:17,900 --> 00:05:20,230
Uncle Hank,
I don't understand
how you can walk away
126
00:05:20,270 --> 00:05:21,980
from a wonderful marriage.
127
00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:23,570
OK, yeah,
she overpays for tuna.
128
00:05:23,610 --> 00:05:25,860
That must be
very painful.
129
00:05:25,900 --> 00:05:27,700
I want you
to work this out.
130
00:05:27,740 --> 00:05:31,410
Hey, there's more to life
than happiness, all right?
Get over it!
131
00:05:32,410 --> 00:05:35,040
Why wouldn't
he listen to me?
132
00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:36,040
I don't know, honey,
133
00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:37,210
but I think you lost him
134
00:05:37,250 --> 00:05:39,540
when you started
quoting scripture.
135
00:05:40,420 --> 00:05:42,300
I know, I know.
It's just--
136
00:05:42,340 --> 00:05:44,420
They're like
second parents to me.
137
00:05:44,460 --> 00:05:46,470
I was always
over at their house
after school,
138
00:05:46,510 --> 00:05:48,260
playing knock-hockey
with Uncle Hank.
139
00:05:48,300 --> 00:05:51,010
Then Aunt Sheila would
make me a big dinner,
140
00:05:51,050 --> 00:05:54,270
then I'd go home...
for dinner.
141
00:05:55,270 --> 00:05:57,230
Oh, man.
142
00:05:57,270 --> 00:05:58,810
Look! Look, honey.
143
00:05:58,850 --> 00:05:59,810
Ring...
144
00:05:59,850 --> 00:06:01,060
watch.
145
00:06:01,110 --> 00:06:02,520
Ring...
146
00:06:02,570 --> 00:06:03,400
watch.
147
00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:04,610
Ring/watch.
148
00:06:04,650 --> 00:06:06,570
You're so lucky.
You're lucky.
149
00:06:06,610 --> 00:06:07,610
Heh. Yeah.
150
00:06:07,650 --> 00:06:10,410
Honey, it still is
our anniversary,
151
00:06:10,450 --> 00:06:14,910
and I still have
a little frosting left.
152
00:06:14,950 --> 00:06:17,040
I like frosting.
153
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:21,790
Am I interrupting?
154
00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:23,500
No, Dad, no.
155
00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:26,630
Uh, Douglas...
156
00:06:26,670 --> 00:06:29,380
I'd like to talk to you
about your Aunt Sheila.
157
00:06:29,430 --> 00:06:30,760
Look, Arthur,
she's a nice lady.
158
00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:32,850
If she ate the last
chicken wing
or potato puff,
159
00:06:32,890 --> 00:06:33,970
I'm sorry.
160
00:06:34,010 --> 00:06:37,180
No, no. I found her
quite enchanting.
161
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:40,100
In fact,
with your permission,
162
00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:42,310
I'd like to woo her.
163
00:06:45,730 --> 00:06:47,740
Woo her?
164
00:06:47,780 --> 00:06:51,030
I come to you since
you are her closest
living relative,
165
00:06:51,070 --> 00:06:52,950
other than her husband,
that is.
166
00:06:54,830 --> 00:06:57,410
Well, Arthur, thanks
for coming to me, but,
167
00:06:57,450 --> 00:07:00,000
I got to give you a no
on this one.
168
00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:01,420
If you're looking
to be set up,
169
00:07:01,460 --> 00:07:04,000
I'll certainly keep
my eyes open for you.
170
00:07:07,340 --> 00:07:11,430
Um, Dad, just give me
a second with him, OK?
171
00:07:15,100 --> 00:07:16,310
Ooh.
172
00:07:16,350 --> 00:07:19,430
Cold pigs in blankets.
Life is good again.
173
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:20,940
Doug.
Yeah?
174
00:07:20,980 --> 00:07:22,810
I know you're upset
about your aunt and uncle,
175
00:07:22,850 --> 00:07:26,650
but would it be so terrible
if my father went out
with her?
176
00:07:26,690 --> 00:07:29,030
No, no. Not gonna date
Aunt Sheila. Sorry, no.
177
00:07:29,070 --> 00:07:30,450
Well, why not, honey?
178
00:07:30,490 --> 00:07:33,070
The man spends every night
in our basement alone,
179
00:07:33,110 --> 00:07:35,370
yelling at TV commercials.
180
00:07:35,410 --> 00:07:37,830
He just wants
a little company,
that's all.
181
00:07:37,870 --> 00:07:40,080
Fine. I don't want
that company
to be my aunt.
182
00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:41,500
Let him go out
with your aunt.
183
00:07:41,540 --> 00:07:43,500
OK. That would be
his sister.
184
00:07:43,540 --> 00:07:46,000
There's
a great icebreaker.
185
00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:49,170
Carrie, I'm not trying
to be a jerk about this.
186
00:07:49,210 --> 00:07:50,510
It's just that
Hank and Sheila,
187
00:07:50,550 --> 00:07:51,840
they're still married.
188
00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:53,390
Yeah, but they're
probably gonna
get divorced.
189
00:07:53,430 --> 00:07:55,140
They are not
getting a divorce,
all right?
190
00:07:55,180 --> 00:07:59,310
They're separated temporarily
because they hate each other.
191
00:07:59,350 --> 00:08:00,810
Well, look at it
this way.
192
00:08:00,850 --> 00:08:03,980
What better way
to force a woman
back to her husband
193
00:08:04,020 --> 00:08:07,110
than an evening out
with my father, huh?
194
00:08:07,150 --> 00:08:08,780
I don't know.
195
00:08:08,820 --> 00:08:12,570
Honey, come on.
Just let him go out
with her.
196
00:08:12,610 --> 00:08:15,160
Look. Ring...watch.
197
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:16,370
All right, you know what?
198
00:08:16,410 --> 00:08:18,830
That well is running
real dry, all right?
199
00:08:18,870 --> 00:08:21,540
He can go out with her,
OK?
200
00:08:21,580 --> 00:08:23,750
Thank you, honey.
Alright.
201
00:08:23,790 --> 00:08:25,000
Daddy!
202
00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:27,000
Yes?
203
00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:33,340
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
204
00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:34,380
CARRIE: Come in.
205
00:08:34,430 --> 00:08:36,340
Oh, hi.
You're very busy.
206
00:08:36,390 --> 00:08:37,890
I'm just gonna
give you these
and vamoose.
207
00:08:37,930 --> 00:08:39,810
Oh, are these
the anniversary pictures?
208
00:08:39,850 --> 00:08:41,060
Yeah. Good-bye.
209
00:08:41,100 --> 00:08:42,930
Wait! Hang on, honey!
Let me take a look at 'em.
210
00:08:42,980 --> 00:08:45,560
I might want some copies
or something.
211
00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:46,770
They're all framed
really weird.
212
00:08:46,810 --> 00:08:48,940
I think the lab
screwed up.
213
00:08:48,980 --> 00:08:53,150
It serves me right
for using...Kodak.
214
00:08:53,190 --> 00:08:56,030
Sara by the door.
215
00:08:56,070 --> 00:08:58,660
Sara by the couch.
216
00:08:58,700 --> 00:09:01,080
Sara on the couch.
217
00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:03,580
Sara bending over
the couch.
218
00:09:03,620 --> 00:09:06,540
How did you get
this one of her sleeping?
219
00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:07,880
Look, I'm really,
really sorry.
220
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:09,790
And I promise
I'll make it up
to you guys.
221
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:10,920
I swear.
222
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:13,260
Don't worry about it,
Spence. Just...
223
00:09:13,300 --> 00:09:15,090
get some help, OK?
224
00:09:15,130 --> 00:09:17,550
Hey. Where you going?
225
00:09:17,590 --> 00:09:19,470
I'm so
very ashamed.
226
00:09:19,510 --> 00:09:22,640
All right.
Call you later.
227
00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:23,890
Hey, what you got there?
228
00:09:23,930 --> 00:09:26,270
The pictures from
our anniversary party.
229
00:09:26,310 --> 00:09:27,480
All right.
230
00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:28,940
You look good here
bending over the couch.
231
00:09:28,980 --> 00:09:31,150
You look like you
lost some weight.
232
00:09:31,190 --> 00:09:33,030
That's Sara.
233
00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,030
I love you.
234
00:09:39,620 --> 00:09:42,410
Well, I'm off to my date
with Sheila.
235
00:09:42,450 --> 00:09:45,250
Daddy,
you look so handsome!
236
00:09:45,290 --> 00:09:46,620
Doesn't he, Doug?
237
00:09:46,670 --> 00:09:49,040
Yeah, he's
a sweet piece
of man-candy.
238
00:09:50,790 --> 00:09:52,170
So where
you gonna take her?
239
00:09:52,210 --> 00:09:54,960
I guess that diner
over on Continental Avenue.
240
00:09:55,010 --> 00:09:57,260
I'm a little short
on the moola this month.
241
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:04,470
All right, Arthur.
Here you go, all right?
242
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:05,640
No, no, I'll be fine.
243
00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:06,940
No, come on. Here.
244
00:10:06,980 --> 00:10:08,560
Take her someplace nice,
all right?
245
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:09,650
You have lobster.
246
00:10:09,690 --> 00:10:12,110
It's very...nautical.
247
00:10:12,150 --> 00:10:13,480
Thanks, Douglas.
248
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:15,900
With me luck.
I'm a little nervous.
249
00:10:15,940 --> 00:10:18,320
I haven't had a date
in quite a few years.
250
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:20,280
Oh, Dad,
just be yourself.
251
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:21,450
It'll be fine.
252
00:10:21,490 --> 00:10:22,660
Just don't do that thing
with your toes
253
00:10:22,700 --> 00:10:24,490
and don't show her
your hernia scar.
254
00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:28,710
You're tying my hands here,
but OK.
OK.
255
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:34,550
Dad, I'm making
pancakes.
256
00:10:34,590 --> 00:10:36,170
You want any?
257
00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:39,010
Dad?
258
00:10:42,260 --> 00:10:44,350
Dad?
259
00:10:44,390 --> 00:10:45,770
Yikes.
260
00:10:51,230 --> 00:10:52,190
Oh, there you are.
261
00:10:52,230 --> 00:10:53,820
Yes, there I am.
262
00:10:54,820 --> 00:10:57,570
So how'd your dad's
date go, huh?
263
00:10:57,610 --> 00:10:59,490
Very well...
264
00:10:59,530 --> 00:11:00,700
or not so well,
265
00:11:00,740 --> 00:11:03,580
depending on whether
you're him...or you.
266
00:11:03,620 --> 00:11:06,620
Ha ha ha!
You know what, honey?
267
00:11:06,660 --> 00:11:07,700
You're late for work.
268
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:09,370
The watch/ring
doesn't lie.
269
00:11:09,410 --> 00:11:10,710
Let's go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
270
00:11:10,750 --> 00:11:12,630
Whoa! You know my shift
doesn't start till 9:00.
271
00:11:12,670 --> 00:11:14,040
Not till 9:00?
Is that right?
272
00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:17,210
Maybe you wanna
go a little early
and, uh, kiss up?
273
00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:18,630
What's going on?
274
00:11:18,670 --> 00:11:20,260
Hi, Doug!
275
00:11:20,300 --> 00:11:22,140
Hello, sweetheart.
276
00:11:22,180 --> 00:11:25,430
Heh. Yes, this is
a little awkward,
isn't it?
277
00:11:25,470 --> 00:11:28,640
But what the hell?
I need my coffee.
278
00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:30,100
Aunt Sheila?
279
00:11:30,140 --> 00:11:31,980
It's...it's Aunt Sheila.
280
00:11:32,020 --> 00:11:35,400
Well, it looks
like her, hon.
281
00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:36,650
Morning, kids.
Morning, my sweet.
282
00:11:36,690 --> 00:11:38,230
Hello, my dear.
283
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,900
Look, you got to get going.
284
00:11:39,940 --> 00:11:42,700
I got another one of
Doug's aunts coming in
right behind you.
285
00:11:42,740 --> 00:11:44,120
Ha ha ha!
Oh, stop it!
286
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:48,240
You're so terrible,
but so, so cute! Ha!
287
00:11:48,290 --> 00:11:49,870
[GIGGLING]
288
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:54,290
Well, thanks again
for giving me
that extra money.
289
00:11:54,330 --> 00:11:57,840
I think the lobster
put me right over
the top.
290
00:12:06,010 --> 00:12:08,810
Yes, Doug, I have finally
achieved my dream
291
00:12:08,850 --> 00:12:11,600
of coupling my father
with your aunt.
I'm ecstatic.
292
00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:14,850
"Doug, may I have
your permission to woo her?"
293
00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:15,730
Woo her!
294
00:12:15,770 --> 00:12:17,570
Well, it rhymes
with woo!
295
00:12:18,570 --> 00:12:20,190
All right, Doug,
just calm down now.
296
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,240
Look, I can't, okay!
That's my Aunt Sheila!
297
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:24,910
She used to bathe me
and tuck me in
and tell me stories.
298
00:12:24,950 --> 00:12:27,910
It's not someone
I want to picture
straddling Papa!
299
00:12:27,950 --> 00:12:30,000
All right,
she wasn't straddling him.
300
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:32,120
They were just kinda spooning.
301
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:33,960
Oh, God.
302
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:35,670
Please stop.
303
00:12:35,710 --> 00:12:38,040
I hope they remember
to use birth control.
304
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:39,710
What?
305
00:12:39,750 --> 00:12:41,010
Well, I was just thinking,
306
00:12:41,050 --> 00:12:42,630
you know,
your aunt's not that old.
307
00:12:42,670 --> 00:12:44,470
Has she gone through
menopause yet, do you know?
308
00:12:44,510 --> 00:12:47,220
I don't--
I don't know!
309
00:12:47,260 --> 00:12:49,180
Oh, my God, I didn't even
think of that. What if...
310
00:12:49,220 --> 00:12:50,850
They could have a child.
311
00:12:51,770 --> 00:12:53,350
He would be my cousin
312
00:12:53,390 --> 00:12:55,100
and my brother-in-law.
313
00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:57,980
Oh, God, I hear banjo music.
314
00:12:58,020 --> 00:12:59,360
Oh, God.
315
00:13:01,190 --> 00:13:03,400
Doug, I agree
316
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,490
that this thing has
a variety
317
00:13:05,530 --> 00:13:08,280
of nauseating aspects to it.
318
00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:09,740
But they're two grown adults
319
00:13:09,780 --> 00:13:13,460
with...obviously still
very strong sexual urges.
320
00:13:13,500 --> 00:13:15,750
[DOUG YELLING GIBBERISH]
321
00:13:15,790 --> 00:13:18,750
And there's nothing
we can do about it.
322
00:13:18,790 --> 00:13:21,170
[YELLING GIBBERISH]
323
00:13:26,630 --> 00:13:29,760
[MACHINE GUN FIRE IN FILM]
324
00:13:31,890 --> 00:13:33,390
All right,
this isn't so bad
325
00:13:33,430 --> 00:13:36,190
as long as he keeps
his hands where-- Oh, God!
326
00:13:36,230 --> 00:13:38,190
Oh, God!
327
00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:43,740
[DISTANT STEREO PLAYING]
* I'm just a gigolo *
328
00:13:43,780 --> 00:13:45,990
* Everywhere I go *
329
00:13:46,030 --> 00:13:49,120
* People know the partI'm playin' *
330
00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:51,240
* Pay for every dance... *
331
00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:52,330
Doug...
332
00:13:52,370 --> 00:13:54,290
what is the matter?
333
00:13:54,330 --> 00:13:55,620
Nothing.
334
00:13:55,660 --> 00:13:57,370
Then why do you
keep muttering
my father's name
335
00:13:57,420 --> 00:13:59,080
and cursing?
336
00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:01,090
You know what?
It's that music.
337
00:14:01,130 --> 00:14:03,000
I just know they're
doing something down there,
338
00:14:03,050 --> 00:14:05,510
and I can't do
something with you
339
00:14:05,550 --> 00:14:08,720
when he's in the same house
doing something with her.
340
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:11,260
Come on.
Yes, you can.
341
00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:13,100
No, I can't.
342
00:14:13,140 --> 00:14:14,680
Trust me.
343
00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:17,940
Honey, they are
probably just dancing.
344
00:14:17,980 --> 00:14:20,860
You know my father.
He loves to dance.
345
00:14:20,900 --> 00:14:23,860
Now, come on.
Do that thing you do.
346
00:14:23,900 --> 00:14:26,780
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
347
00:14:28,820 --> 00:14:32,200
[RECORD SKIPPING]
348
00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:39,000
Why isn't he
fixing the record?
349
00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:41,330
Honey, they will.
It just takes time
350
00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:44,340
to walk over and do it.
351
00:14:44,380 --> 00:14:47,090
[RECORD SKIPPING]
352
00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:52,010
Nighty-night.
353
00:14:52,050 --> 00:14:53,220
Night.
354
00:15:00,060 --> 00:15:02,360
Hello.
355
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:03,610
Hey, Spence.
356
00:15:03,650 --> 00:15:05,190
Why you so tired?
357
00:15:05,230 --> 00:15:07,110
Oh, my father-in-law and
my aunt were having sex
all night.
358
00:15:07,150 --> 00:15:10,070
Gotcha. Look, I went through
the anniversary photos.
359
00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:11,780
And I managed to cut
and paste some of them
360
00:15:11,820 --> 00:15:14,080
and get you and Carrie
together in a few shots.
361
00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:17,290
Trouble is, you're slightly
different sizes.
362
00:15:17,330 --> 00:15:19,040
This one's nice
363
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:20,670
where it looks like I'm standing
in the palm of her hand.
364
00:15:20,710 --> 00:15:21,960
Isn't it?
365
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,340
I'll make you 8x10s,
my treat.
366
00:15:28,300 --> 00:15:30,050
Oh, hi!
367
00:15:30,090 --> 00:15:30,840
Hello.
368
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:31,890
What was your name again?
369
00:15:31,930 --> 00:15:33,930
Stan.
Stan, right!
370
00:15:33,970 --> 00:15:37,560
Stan, listen, I'm so glad
I ran into you.
371
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:39,930
See, I was looking
for the pictures from
the anniversary party,
372
00:15:39,980 --> 00:15:43,230
and, you know, something
about them was so great.
373
00:15:43,270 --> 00:15:45,150
Thank you.
374
00:15:45,190 --> 00:15:48,360
See, the thing is,
my agent says I need some
new shots for my portfolio,
375
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:51,360
and I was thinking,
could you maybe take them?
376
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:54,070
I mean, I can't pay you a lot,
but, you know, just as a favor?
377
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:56,240
Well, I can only do it evenings.
378
00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:59,540
Or, if daytime's better,
I can quit my job.
379
00:15:59,580 --> 00:16:00,620
Yeah, yeah. OK.
380
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:03,460
[WHISTLING]
381
00:16:03,500 --> 00:16:04,920
Morning, Doug!
382
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:07,670
Yeah, morning.
383
00:16:07,710 --> 00:16:08,960
You look tired.
384
00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:10,630
I didn't get much sleep.
385
00:16:10,670 --> 00:16:12,970
I didn't either,
if you get my drift.
386
00:16:13,010 --> 00:16:14,800
Do ya? Do ya? Do ya?
387
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:16,470
I get it, all right?
Leave me alone!
388
00:16:16,510 --> 00:16:20,180
Actually, Doug,
I didn't just come up here
for playful banter.
389
00:16:20,230 --> 00:16:22,270
Then go back.
390
00:16:22,310 --> 00:16:26,110
Well, before I do,
I want to talk to you
about Aunt Sheila.
391
00:16:26,150 --> 00:16:29,940
Once again,
I stand before you
seeking your permission.
392
00:16:29,980 --> 00:16:31,400
Permission for what?
What do you want
to do now?
393
00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:32,900
What, do you
want to stick her
in go-go boots,
394
00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:34,660
make her dance
in a cage?
395
00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:39,450
No. I plan to ask her
to become the fourth
and hopefully final
396
00:16:39,490 --> 00:16:41,000
Mrs. Arthur Spooner.
397
00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:42,540
You want to marry her?
398
00:16:42,580 --> 00:16:43,920
What are you, insane?
399
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:45,460
I know what
you're thinking.
400
00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:48,750
Why buy the cow
when you're getting
the milk free?
401
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:51,550
Well, the fact is,
I love that cow.
402
00:16:51,590 --> 00:16:53,630
Well, you know what?
You can't have
that cow, OK?
403
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:56,470
I'll tell you what,
no more milk,
either. That's it.
404
00:16:56,510 --> 00:16:57,800
All right?
Permission denied.
405
00:16:57,850 --> 00:16:59,810
Well, I don't need
your permission, Douglas!
406
00:16:59,850 --> 00:17:04,020
Asking for it
was just my charming way
of breaking the news to you.
407
00:17:06,350 --> 00:17:07,770
Carrie!
408
00:17:07,810 --> 00:17:09,020
CARRIE: What?
409
00:17:09,070 --> 00:17:10,650
Could you
come down here, please?
410
00:17:10,690 --> 00:17:12,030
I'm in the shower!
411
00:17:12,070 --> 00:17:14,490
Yeah, well, your father wants
to marry my aunt!
412
00:17:14,530 --> 00:17:15,820
CARRIE:
Tell him no.
413
00:17:15,860 --> 00:17:17,910
I did!
What did he say?
414
00:17:17,950 --> 00:17:19,780
He said he's doing it anyway.
415
00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:22,330
CARRIE:
I'll be right down!
416
00:17:22,370 --> 00:17:24,290
Now you're screwed.
417
00:17:25,460 --> 00:17:26,580
Oh, yeah?
418
00:17:26,620 --> 00:17:28,710
Well, you can forget
about being my best man.
419
00:17:28,750 --> 00:17:30,500
Listen closely to me,
Arthur.
420
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:32,920
You may not ask my aunt
to marry you.
421
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,670
Oh. So I'm good enough
to be your father-in-law,
422
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,180
but not your uncle.
That it?
423
00:17:36,220 --> 00:17:38,760
Well, too bad!
I'm gonna marry her,
424
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:42,060
and you can't stop me,
Nephew!
425
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:49,650
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
426
00:17:57,700 --> 00:17:58,910
Oh, hi, Dougie.
427
00:17:58,950 --> 00:18:00,660
I was expecting
someone else.
428
00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:01,870
Do you want to come in?
429
00:18:01,910 --> 00:18:03,240
I can't.
I'm running late
for work as it is,
430
00:18:03,290 --> 00:18:05,830
but I really need
to talk to you
about Arthur.
431
00:18:05,870 --> 00:18:07,170
Arthur, yes.
432
00:18:07,210 --> 00:18:09,210
He's such a free-spirit,
isn't he?
433
00:18:09,250 --> 00:18:10,880
Yeah, he's a barrel
of monkeys.
434
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:13,050
Look, I know this is
none of my business,
435
00:18:13,090 --> 00:18:14,590
but I really think you
need to put the brakes
436
00:18:14,630 --> 00:18:17,880
on this relationship
thing before things
go too far.
437
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:19,340
How much farther
can they go?
438
00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:21,430
We've already pleasured
each other in every way--
439
00:18:21,470 --> 00:18:22,850
OK, OK, OK! Thank you!
440
00:18:22,890 --> 00:18:24,140
Thank you!
441
00:18:24,180 --> 00:18:26,140
Look,
you don't understand.
442
00:18:26,180 --> 00:18:29,310
Arthur...he's gonna
ask you to marry him.
443
00:18:29,350 --> 00:18:30,520
[GASPS]
444
00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:32,150
Now, I know you may be
tempted to do this,
445
00:18:32,190 --> 00:18:34,400
but I'm telling you,
if you rush into this,
446
00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:38,280
you, Arthur, and I
are gonna regret it for
the rest of our lives.
447
00:18:39,910 --> 00:18:41,410
I don't want
to marry Arthur.
448
00:18:41,450 --> 00:18:43,580
You don't?
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
449
00:18:43,620 --> 00:18:45,410
No.
450
00:18:47,830 --> 00:18:48,920
Hiya, Joe.
451
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,000
I'll be right in.
452
00:18:52,590 --> 00:18:54,750
You're dating Garver?
453
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:56,050
I met him at your party.
454
00:18:56,090 --> 00:18:57,760
I had a very good night.
455
00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:00,590
Let's face it.
I looked hot.
456
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:01,640
I can't believe this!
457
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:03,140
This whole time
I'm worried about
458
00:19:03,180 --> 00:19:05,060
my poor, vulnerable
Aunt Sheila getting hurt.
459
00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:07,230
Meanwhile, you're
having a great time
460
00:19:07,270 --> 00:19:10,560
working your way through
the old men of Queens.
461
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:11,980
Doug!
462
00:19:12,020 --> 00:19:13,770
I have been
married to one man
for over 30 years.
463
00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:16,940
I'm entitled
to sow a few oats,
for God's sake!
464
00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:18,110
Hey, Arthur
is not oats, OK?
465
00:19:18,150 --> 00:19:19,820
He's a guy
who loves you,
466
00:19:19,860 --> 00:19:21,280
and he thinks
you love him.
467
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:23,410
I mean,
you're treating him
like crap!
468
00:19:23,450 --> 00:19:24,490
Douglas!
469
00:19:24,530 --> 00:19:26,160
Sorry.
470
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:29,620
Now, look,
471
00:19:29,660 --> 00:19:31,210
tomorrow I'm going
to talk to Arthur, OK?
472
00:19:31,250 --> 00:19:34,880
But right now
I have company.
473
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:37,340
Excuse me.
474
00:19:38,590 --> 00:19:41,050
And tuck in that shirt.
475
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:47,350
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
476
00:19:49,350 --> 00:19:51,140
What are you doing here,
Heffernan?
477
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:53,190
You came here to
poison her against me?
478
00:19:53,230 --> 00:19:54,480
No, no! Well, yes.
479
00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:56,650
Look, you can't
go in there.
480
00:19:56,690 --> 00:20:00,650
Step aside.
I don't want to
have to remove you.
481
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:03,200
Nor do I think I could.
482
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:05,240
Look, Arthur,
I really think
we need to talk.
483
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:08,330
Hey, what your aunt
and I have is
something beautiful,
484
00:20:08,370 --> 00:20:10,660
something you'll
never understand.
485
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:12,830
Now, good day, sir.
486
00:20:12,870 --> 00:20:13,920
Arthur--
487
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:16,040
Good day, sir!
488
00:20:42,070 --> 00:20:43,610
What are you looking at?
489
00:20:56,750 --> 00:20:58,170
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
490
00:21:11,060 --> 00:21:12,390
Your dad asleep?
491
00:21:12,430 --> 00:21:15,560
Yeah. I read to him from
one of his TIME LIFE books
492
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,730
on how to build a deck.
Put him right out.
493
00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:22,860
Yeah. he's a tough guy,
he'll bounce back from this.
494
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:29,370
Hey, where's Spence?
495
00:21:29,410 --> 00:21:31,240
What happened to
the photo shoot?
496
00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:32,790
We're done.
497
00:21:32,830 --> 00:21:35,250
What do you mean you're done?
You just started 5 minutes ago.
498
00:21:35,290 --> 00:21:37,540
So, weird. I mean, he put
the film in the camera
499
00:21:37,580 --> 00:21:39,250
and as soon as I started posing,
500
00:21:39,290 --> 00:21:42,260
he shot his entire roll in,
like, 10 seconds.
501
00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:47,180
And then he runs off saying,
502
00:21:47,220 --> 00:21:48,930
"Nothing like this
has ever happened before."
503
00:21:48,970 --> 00:21:50,310
I don't know...
504
00:21:52,470 --> 00:21:55,190
[SCOFFS]
They always say that.
505
00:22:02,230 --> 00:22:05,650
[**]
35225
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