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1
00:00:02,460 --> 00:00:04,290
[**]
2
00:00:06,710 --> 00:00:09,250
I'll tell you, Douglas,
that bank is stealing my money.
3
00:00:09,300 --> 00:00:11,800
For the last time,
it's a service charge.
4
00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:13,470
Get in the car.
5
00:00:13,510 --> 00:00:15,220
Thieves!
6
00:00:15,260 --> 00:00:16,800
It's a dollar.
Let it go.
7
00:00:18,720 --> 00:00:20,430
[JOSTLING DOOR HANDLE]
8
00:00:20,470 --> 00:00:22,430
Can you give me
a second, please?
It's locked.
9
00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:24,440
I know. You gotta wait
one sec, 'kay?
10
00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:26,270
Try it now?
No, no, not yet.
11
00:00:26,310 --> 00:00:28,360
Now?
No, not yet! When you
keep doing that...
12
00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:29,690
Now?
...you're upsetting it.
13
00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:31,030
Now?! Now?!
Okay. All right!
14
00:00:31,070 --> 00:00:32,530
You know what?
Let go of the door!
Now?!
15
00:00:32,570 --> 00:00:35,740
Stay on the curb,
I'll come around
and let you in!
16
00:00:39,530 --> 00:00:42,290
[**]
17
00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:57,800
Hey, honey,
come here.
18
00:00:57,840 --> 00:00:59,470
What? What now?
19
00:00:59,510 --> 00:01:01,640
I got my boxes
out of storage today.
20
00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:03,930
Look at all this.
Your mother's old things--
21
00:01:03,980 --> 00:01:06,690
ukulele,
Communist Party literature.
22
00:01:08,020 --> 00:01:09,480
Oh, and here we go.
23
00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:12,530
I think you know
what these are.
24
00:01:13,860 --> 00:01:15,610
Your photo albums.
25
00:01:15,650 --> 00:01:17,160
I've seen those...
26
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:18,570
a lot.
27
00:01:19,530 --> 00:01:21,240
Come on,
it's gonna happen.
28
00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:23,910
[SCOFFS]
Don't fight it.
29
00:01:27,830 --> 00:01:28,880
Uh, honey?
30
00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:31,340
We're out
of jerky, huh?
31
00:01:31,380 --> 00:01:33,510
Oh, you're right.
I am so sorry.
32
00:01:33,550 --> 00:01:37,180
Why don't you come
have a seat right there.
33
00:01:37,220 --> 00:01:38,510
Sit right there.
34
00:01:38,550 --> 00:01:41,930
And I'm gonna go...
do something else.
35
00:01:49,850 --> 00:01:51,230
Honey!
36
00:01:52,110 --> 00:01:53,820
Ah, here's another beaut.
37
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,200
Ocean City, 1958.
38
00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:59,660
That's me in the pompadour.
39
00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:01,830
There we are in Hershey,
Pennsylvania,
40
00:02:01,870 --> 00:02:04,540
getting the chocolate tour.
41
00:02:04,580 --> 00:02:06,370
And there's what
a flesh-eating bacteria
42
00:02:06,410 --> 00:02:09,210
can do
to the human hand.
43
00:02:09,250 --> 00:02:12,460
There's the lake
at Camp Wigwam,
44
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:14,380
and there's me in the trenches
with Mickey Dugan
45
00:02:14,420 --> 00:02:16,590
right after his leg
got blown off.
46
00:02:16,630 --> 00:02:20,340
Wow. Maybe you should
think about organizing
these a little, huh?
47
00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:21,680
What do you mean?
48
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:23,890
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe get 2 books,
you know?
49
00:02:23,930 --> 00:02:25,600
One for family stuff,
50
00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:27,730
and one
for bloody carnage.
51
00:02:28,940 --> 00:02:31,270
Look at that.
Little Carrie.
52
00:02:31,310 --> 00:02:32,900
Look at her there.
What is she, about 10?
53
00:02:32,940 --> 00:02:34,480
Yeah. Heh heh heh.
54
00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:36,570
Oh, look at her here.
She's just a little baby
in the bathtub.
55
00:02:36,610 --> 00:02:39,610
Look at that tushie.
I could just bite it.
56
00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:42,160
That's me.
57
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,410
Damn it, Arthur!
58
00:02:44,450 --> 00:02:47,040
Organize these,
would you?!
59
00:02:52,380 --> 00:02:53,590
Hey, who's that?
60
00:02:53,630 --> 00:02:56,960
Oh. That's my first wife
Sophia.
61
00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,130
Carrie's mom.
62
00:02:58,170 --> 00:02:59,220
It is?
63
00:02:59,260 --> 00:03:01,470
Yeah. That's up
in the Catskills,
64
00:03:01,510 --> 00:03:03,760
about a year
before she passed.
65
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:04,760
Wow, I didn't--
66
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:07,020
I didn't realize
she was so...
Fat?
67
00:03:08,390 --> 00:03:09,600
Oh, yeah, big girl.
68
00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:11,020
But I've seen
other pictures of her
69
00:03:11,060 --> 00:03:13,060
and she wasn't so...
Fat?
70
00:03:14,610 --> 00:03:17,150
Yeah, she was slim
like Carrie when
I first met her,
71
00:03:17,190 --> 00:03:19,570
but eventually
she just got, you know.
72
00:03:19,610 --> 00:03:22,820
Fat?
Hey! You're talking
about my wife!
73
00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:26,240
Sorry. Sorry.
74
00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:28,450
Ah, don't worry
about it.
75
00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:31,460
Actually,
I didn't mind a bit.
76
00:03:31,500 --> 00:03:34,960
Just so much more
to love.
77
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:37,340
Then you must've adored her.
78
00:03:39,170 --> 00:03:40,670
You know, it's funny.
79
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:44,010
All the women
in that family
start out thin
80
00:03:44,050 --> 00:03:46,010
and then just blow up.
81
00:03:47,350 --> 00:03:48,890
It must be the genes.
82
00:03:48,930 --> 00:03:50,060
Hmm.
83
00:03:56,940 --> 00:03:59,820
Honey. Funny thing
at the office today.
84
00:03:59,860 --> 00:04:02,450
Somebody shoves
a birthday card
in front of me,
85
00:04:02,490 --> 00:04:04,320
says we're all signing it,
it's for Chris.
86
00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:06,490
So I'm thinking it's Chris,
the kid who runs
the copy machine.
87
00:04:06,530 --> 00:04:10,830
So I write, "Happy birthday
to the sexiest thing
in the office," right?
88
00:04:10,870 --> 00:04:12,460
Ha ha ha.
89
00:04:12,500 --> 00:04:16,840
Turns out that
it's for Christine,
90
00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:18,590
the senior partner!
91
00:04:19,750 --> 00:04:22,840
So either I'm fired, or
I got a new girlfriend.
92
00:04:25,180 --> 00:04:27,140
Honey,
what's the matter?
93
00:04:27,180 --> 00:04:28,720
Nothing.
94
00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:31,770
Well, you had a weird
look on your face.
95
00:04:31,810 --> 00:04:34,190
I was just, uh,
just thinking how...
96
00:04:34,230 --> 00:04:35,850
beautiful you are and...
97
00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:40,150
how happy I am with the life
that we built together.
98
00:04:42,860 --> 00:04:44,070
Whatever.
99
00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:51,120
[CHUCKLES]
100
00:04:52,330 --> 00:04:53,870
Hey, whoa!
What are you doing?
101
00:04:53,910 --> 00:04:56,210
I thought I'd pick
you up, carry you
over to the bed.
102
00:04:56,250 --> 00:04:57,880
It's romantic.
103
00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,590
Oh, OK. Ha ha!
104
00:05:11,390 --> 00:05:13,560
Hey, you!
105
00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:15,980
It's romantic, huh?
106
00:05:16,020 --> 00:05:17,770
Not yet.
107
00:05:21,110 --> 00:05:22,070
All right.
108
00:05:22,110 --> 00:05:23,990
There you go.
109
00:05:24,030 --> 00:05:25,490
Oh...Hey,
110
00:05:25,530 --> 00:05:28,490
that was great.
I'm gonna go
watch the news, OK?
111
00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:37,250
Man, did you see
what they did
to the snack machine?
112
00:05:37,290 --> 00:05:39,210
You know G-11,
the big cookie?
113
00:05:39,250 --> 00:05:41,090
Now it's raisins,
the yellow ones.
114
00:05:41,130 --> 00:05:42,550
What the hell
is that about?
115
00:05:42,590 --> 00:05:43,920
Hey, Deac,
let me ask you--
116
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:46,090
Do you think
Carrie's gained weight?
117
00:05:46,130 --> 00:05:47,300
What?
118
00:05:47,340 --> 00:05:48,760
Carrie, my wife,
do you think
119
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:50,800
she's gained a little weight,
couple pounds maybe?
120
00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:52,510
Well, I don't know.
Every time I see her,
121
00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:53,850
she's blocked by you.
122
00:05:56,940 --> 00:05:59,150
I know I'm fat,
all right?
That's a given.
123
00:05:59,190 --> 00:06:01,860
Good, because I didn't want
to have to break that to you.
124
00:06:01,900 --> 00:06:05,320
Yeah, but you know what?
I'm not gaining, OK?
I've plateaued.
125
00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:07,610
Everything now is
just maintenance.
126
00:06:07,650 --> 00:06:09,610
Look, even if she has
gained some weight,
127
00:06:09,660 --> 00:06:10,950
there's nothing
you can do about it.
128
00:06:10,990 --> 00:06:13,280
Sure there is.
I can talk to her
about it.
129
00:06:13,330 --> 00:06:15,540
Actually, I'm gonna.
130
00:06:16,830 --> 00:06:18,620
Let me ask you a question.
131
00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:22,210
Would you say, basically,
your life is good right now?
132
00:06:22,250 --> 00:06:23,290
Yeah.
133
00:06:23,340 --> 00:06:25,710
Good wife, good job,
the whole thing?
134
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:26,630
Yeah.
135
00:06:26,670 --> 00:06:29,430
Don't pick at it.
136
00:06:29,470 --> 00:06:31,720
Carrie and I have a very
open relationship.
137
00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:33,970
We talk about things.
I think I can
bring it up.
138
00:06:34,010 --> 00:06:36,470
Oh, really?
Let me tell you
a little story.
139
00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:39,850
Last summer, I noticed
that Kelly had put on
about 15 pounds.
140
00:06:39,890 --> 00:06:44,480
So I figured, like you,
that I'd bring it up,
all casual,
141
00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:46,990
like really supportive
and everything.
142
00:06:49,110 --> 00:06:50,490
It's been 7 months, OK?
143
00:06:50,530 --> 00:06:53,070
And my life still
isn't back to normal.
144
00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:57,540
She was so mad at me
that she kept the 15 pounds
and gained another 10,
145
00:06:57,580 --> 00:06:59,210
just as spite weight.
146
00:06:59,250 --> 00:07:01,620
You know what?
I think Carrie can take
constructive criticism
147
00:07:01,670 --> 00:07:03,840
a little bit better
than Kelly.
148
00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:05,590
OK, fine.
149
00:07:05,630 --> 00:07:07,590
Then go with God.
150
00:07:42,750 --> 00:07:45,380
What happened
to my coffeecake?
151
00:07:45,420 --> 00:07:46,920
What?
152
00:07:48,250 --> 00:07:49,710
You ate my cake?
153
00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:51,930
Was that yours?
154
00:07:51,970 --> 00:07:53,430
Well, I put it
on my plate.
155
00:07:53,470 --> 00:07:55,180
I didn't think
I had to label it.
156
00:07:56,220 --> 00:07:58,640
Whatever. I'll just have
a donut or something.
157
00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:00,060
Hey! Uh, you know what?
158
00:08:00,100 --> 00:08:02,890
Don't scream. What?
159
00:08:02,940 --> 00:08:04,810
I was just thinking.
You know what?
You're right.
160
00:08:04,850 --> 00:08:07,820
I shouldn't have eaten
that coffeecake,
you know?
161
00:08:07,860 --> 00:08:11,570
I'm, uh, so...fat,
you know?
162
00:08:11,610 --> 00:08:13,740
I just--I really need
to lose some weight.
163
00:08:13,780 --> 00:08:15,820
Hey, I know!
You know what?
164
00:08:15,870 --> 00:08:19,080
We should go on a diet
together so I can take
some of this off.
165
00:08:20,580 --> 00:08:21,620
We?
166
00:08:21,660 --> 00:08:23,250
Yeah. Yeah. I--
You know what?
167
00:08:23,290 --> 00:08:24,710
I feel bloated,
you know,
168
00:08:24,750 --> 00:08:26,170
very disgusting
right now,
169
00:08:26,210 --> 00:08:31,800
and I just really
feel if we went
on a diet that...
170
00:08:33,470 --> 00:08:34,930
it would really
do the trick.
171
00:08:34,970 --> 00:08:37,720
Uh-huh. And is there a reason
you keep saying "we"?
172
00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:39,930
Yeah. It's--
It's just like,
173
00:08:39,970 --> 00:08:43,310
Whee! We're on a diet!
174
00:08:44,850 --> 00:08:47,190
What do you think,
I'm an idiot?
175
00:08:47,230 --> 00:08:48,400
Hmm?
176
00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:49,690
If you want me
to lose weight,
177
00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:52,530
why don't you just
come out and say it?
178
00:08:52,570 --> 00:08:54,200
OK, look, I know
it's ridiculous
179
00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:57,030
for me to be
bringing this up.
I mean, look at me.
180
00:08:57,070 --> 00:09:00,240
I look like I'm
in my 12th trimester
here, but...
181
00:09:00,290 --> 00:09:02,950
Honey, maybe it is
possible that over
the last couple of years
182
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:07,960
you have gained
a few tiny, tiny pounds.
183
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:11,250
It is so not
a big deal, Carrie.
184
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:12,590
I mean...
185
00:09:12,630 --> 00:09:14,130
Deacon's wife, whew!
186
00:09:14,170 --> 00:09:15,720
He said she gained,
like, 15 pounds,
187
00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:18,470
so, by comparison,
this is nothing.
188
00:09:18,510 --> 00:09:20,140
You talked to Deacon
about this?
189
00:09:20,180 --> 00:09:22,220
No. I would never
do that. No.
190
00:09:26,390 --> 00:09:28,480
Honey, I shouldn't have
ever brought this up.
191
00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:29,860
I-I'm sorry.
192
00:09:29,900 --> 00:09:33,530
Ah, it's--you're--
you're right. I...
193
00:09:33,570 --> 00:09:35,820
Maybe I have put on
a few pounds,
194
00:09:35,860 --> 00:09:37,700
but I will take it off.
195
00:09:37,740 --> 00:09:39,450
Only if you're OK
with it.
196
00:09:39,490 --> 00:09:40,660
I said I would.
I will.
197
00:09:40,700 --> 00:09:42,330
OK.
OK.
198
00:09:42,370 --> 00:09:43,660
Well, great.
199
00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:45,000
Great.
200
00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:48,080
Hah. Hey, baby,
who's my best girl, huh?
201
00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:49,210
[DOOR SLAMS]
202
00:09:51,130 --> 00:09:52,920
You, you are.
203
00:10:15,650 --> 00:10:17,200
[CLEARS THROAT]
204
00:10:20,490 --> 00:10:22,660
Hey, what do you got there?
205
00:10:22,700 --> 00:10:24,790
3 ounces of
poached haddock.
206
00:10:24,830 --> 00:10:26,580
Ooh, nice.
207
00:10:26,620 --> 00:10:29,250
Dining in style tonight, huh?
208
00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:32,210
Greetings, one and all.
209
00:10:32,250 --> 00:10:33,340
Sorry I'm late,
210
00:10:33,380 --> 00:10:35,010
but I was going
through those boxes
211
00:10:35,050 --> 00:10:37,380
and found my old...
212
00:10:37,420 --> 00:10:39,340
little black book.
213
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:42,640
Sit down, Dad.
Dinner's ready.
214
00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:45,060
Ooh, Lenore Bickle.
215
00:10:46,180 --> 00:10:48,560
I should give that
little hottie a call.
216
00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:54,150
I wonder if she's still
at Klondike 5-0197.
217
00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:56,400
Maybe after dinner
218
00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:59,240
you can ask Myrtle
to patch you through.
219
00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:03,070
Ah, dinner Italiano.
Oompah.
220
00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:05,990
Aren't you having anything,
sweetheart?
221
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:07,910
No. I'm on a diet.
222
00:11:07,950 --> 00:11:12,170
Ah. You kids
with your dieting
and your health.
223
00:11:12,210 --> 00:11:13,710
In my day,
224
00:11:13,750 --> 00:11:17,010
we dropped dead
of a massive coronary
in our mid-50s,
225
00:11:17,050 --> 00:11:18,970
and we liked it.
226
00:11:23,220 --> 00:11:25,510
It's fine, Dad.
I wanted to lose
a little weight.
227
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:26,810
Honey, could you pass
228
00:11:26,850 --> 00:11:29,020
the "I Can't
Believe It's Not
Salad Dressing"?
229
00:11:30,980 --> 00:11:32,350
Thank you.
230
00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:39,280
All right, Carrie,
this is stupid.
231
00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:41,200
You don't need to lose weight.
You're fine the way you are.
232
00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:42,950
No, no, no.
I'm doing this.
233
00:11:42,990 --> 00:11:44,950
You know, here.
Let me give you
some spaghetti.
234
00:11:44,990 --> 00:11:46,870
Doug, please,
would you just
leave me alone?
235
00:11:46,910 --> 00:11:49,540
You know what?
If you're going
on a diet,
236
00:11:49,580 --> 00:11:51,040
then I'm going on
a diet.
237
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,330
Hey! Stop with
the diet talk!
238
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:55,290
It's crazy!
239
00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:57,880
Actually, you could
lose a few pounds.
240
00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:00,670
You know what?
I intend to, OK?
241
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,010
I'll tell you
that right now.
242
00:12:02,050 --> 00:12:05,140
I'm gonna fix
myself a nice plate
right here.
243
00:12:05,180 --> 00:12:07,390
A good hunk
of haddock...
244
00:12:07,430 --> 00:12:09,970
some veggies...
245
00:12:10,020 --> 00:12:13,060
and I am golden.
246
00:12:21,070 --> 00:12:22,610
[MUMBLES]
247
00:12:30,290 --> 00:12:32,080
Honey, was that
enough for you?
248
00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:34,580
Oh, yeah, plenty.
249
00:12:34,620 --> 00:12:36,960
I couldn't eat another drop.
250
00:12:37,630 --> 00:12:39,500
Ah, sweet broccoli.
251
00:12:53,850 --> 00:12:55,270
Honey, I gotta tell you,
252
00:12:55,310 --> 00:12:57,270
I am loving this celery.
253
00:12:57,310 --> 00:13:00,650
And unlike a chili dog,
no mess in the bed.
254
00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:03,450
Flannels?
255
00:13:03,490 --> 00:13:04,780
What happened to that
little cute number
256
00:13:04,820 --> 00:13:06,490
you were wearing
last night?
257
00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:10,450
What are those
on your PJs?
258
00:13:11,620 --> 00:13:13,160
Ducks.
259
00:13:14,660 --> 00:13:18,750
You know, I've
always been a little
attracted to ducks.
260
00:13:19,670 --> 00:13:20,960
Webbed feet...
261
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:22,630
feathers...
262
00:13:22,670 --> 00:13:24,590
flying in a "V."
263
00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:31,930
What-what's the matter?
264
00:13:31,970 --> 00:13:34,640
Oh, I guess
I'm a little tired
265
00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:36,310
from being so fat.
266
00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:40,570
Come on, Carrie,
I should have never
brought this up.
267
00:13:40,610 --> 00:13:42,570
That stupid picture.
268
00:13:42,610 --> 00:13:43,740
What picture?
269
00:13:43,780 --> 00:13:45,990
When your Dad was
showing me the albums,
270
00:13:46,030 --> 00:13:47,780
there was this picture
of your mother, and I--
271
00:13:47,820 --> 00:13:50,910
Oh, I get it.
So because my mom
gained a lot of weight,
272
00:13:50,950 --> 00:13:52,790
you're afraid I'm going to?
273
00:13:52,830 --> 00:13:55,330
No, not afraid.
274
00:13:55,370 --> 00:13:56,670
Just...
275
00:13:56,710 --> 00:13:58,960
mildly aware.
276
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:00,670
Come on, Doug,
I really want to know.
277
00:14:00,710 --> 00:14:04,670
How would you feel
if I did end up
looking like my mother?
278
00:14:04,710 --> 00:14:07,050
I'd be fine with it.
279
00:14:10,510 --> 00:14:11,550
Doug.
280
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:14,470
I can see your reflection
in the window.
281
00:14:40,170 --> 00:14:42,040
What did you do?
What did you do?!
282
00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:43,550
What?
You told Carrie
what I said
283
00:14:43,590 --> 00:14:45,380
about my wife
being overweight?
284
00:14:45,420 --> 00:14:46,260
What?
285
00:14:46,300 --> 00:14:47,880
I don't--I think
you're wrong.
286
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:49,880
I'm not wrong!
They talk!
287
00:14:49,930 --> 00:14:52,010
Damn it, what are you
doing to me, huh?
288
00:14:52,050 --> 00:14:54,060
I was gonna make Carrie
feel better.
289
00:14:54,100 --> 00:14:55,220
I didn't think--
290
00:14:55,270 --> 00:14:56,890
That's right,
you didn't think.
291
00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:58,770
7 months of work--
undone.
292
00:14:58,810 --> 00:15:00,440
I came home last night,
293
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:04,980
and Kelly was weeping
and giving me the finger
at the same time.
294
00:15:05,030 --> 00:15:06,400
Never seen that before.
295
00:15:07,940 --> 00:15:10,200
Well, if it's any
consolation to you,
my life is hell, too.
296
00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:11,740
That does
make me feel better.
297
00:15:11,780 --> 00:15:13,070
Now I'm on a diet.
298
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:15,740
Carrie won't sleep with me.
299
00:15:15,790 --> 00:15:17,700
No sex. No food.
300
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:19,040
If the cable goes out,
301
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:21,250
I'm gonna have
to kill myself.
302
00:15:21,290 --> 00:15:24,250
Didn't I warn you not
to pick at your life?
303
00:15:24,290 --> 00:15:25,500
Hey, what's on that?
304
00:15:25,550 --> 00:15:28,470
But you
couldn't listen,
could you? No.
305
00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:30,340
"We talk.
We communicate."
306
00:15:30,380 --> 00:15:33,220
[SCOFFS]
Look at you now.
307
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:52,070
Hey, Dad.
308
00:15:52,110 --> 00:15:53,910
Hello, darlin'.
Where were you?
309
00:15:53,950 --> 00:15:55,280
At the gym.
310
00:15:55,330 --> 00:15:56,870
Nothing like
jumping jacks
311
00:15:56,910 --> 00:15:58,290
and the old
vibrating belt
312
00:15:58,330 --> 00:16:00,120
to get you
in the pink, huh?
313
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:01,460
Right.
314
00:16:01,500 --> 00:16:03,460
Look what I found
in here.
315
00:16:03,500 --> 00:16:05,210
Some pictures
from your wedding.
316
00:16:05,250 --> 00:16:06,750
What year was that?
317
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:07,840
Uh...
318
00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:09,170
'95.
319
00:16:09,210 --> 00:16:13,180
Oh...that was
a simpler time,
wasn't it?
320
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:17,720
Oh, look at me
in my wedding dress.
321
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:19,180
I looked good,
didn't I?
322
00:16:19,220 --> 00:16:20,680
Breathtaking.
323
00:16:20,730 --> 00:16:22,230
Well...
324
00:16:22,270 --> 00:16:24,520
those days are gone.
325
00:16:25,980 --> 00:16:27,690
What are you
talking about?
326
00:16:27,730 --> 00:16:29,650
I'm just getting older
and gaining weight,
327
00:16:29,690 --> 00:16:32,400
and before I know it,
I'm just going to be
big and fat
328
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,160
and not attractive anymore.
329
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:35,990
Ha ha ha ha ha!
330
00:16:36,030 --> 00:16:37,530
You're crazy.
331
00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:39,740
And even if you do
gain a little weight,
believe me...
332
00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:41,120
men like that.
333
00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:42,750
No, they don't.
334
00:16:42,790 --> 00:16:44,120
Oh, no?
335
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:46,000
Look at this.
336
00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:49,000
Look at the women
in here.
337
00:16:49,050 --> 00:16:51,340
Full-figured
and voluptuous.
338
00:16:51,380 --> 00:16:54,090
This is
a men's magazine.
339
00:16:54,130 --> 00:16:56,430
This is what men like.
340
00:16:58,560 --> 00:16:59,720
Va-voom.
341
00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:01,890
April 1951.
342
00:17:06,690 --> 00:17:10,150
OK, so what was
the big emergency?
343
00:17:10,190 --> 00:17:13,280
OK, here's the thing.
344
00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:15,530
What would make you feel better
345
00:17:15,570 --> 00:17:18,200
if someone told you
you'd gained a couple pounds?
346
00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:23,660
Oh, my God. You called me
all the way down here just
to tell me I look fat?
347
00:17:24,870 --> 00:17:27,170
What, in a crowded bar to
keep me from making a scene?
348
00:17:27,210 --> 00:17:29,380
Will you relax?
I'm talking about your sister.
349
00:17:29,420 --> 00:17:31,800
Oh, thank God!
Oh.
350
00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:34,760
I made a stupid comment
about her weight.
351
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:37,840
I think I might have
upset her a little bit.
352
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,390
Hmm...
353
00:17:39,430 --> 00:17:41,430
Seriously, though,
do I look chubby?
354
00:17:41,470 --> 00:17:42,850
No!
355
00:17:42,890 --> 00:17:44,810
Oh, good. Look, Doug...
356
00:17:44,850 --> 00:17:47,190
Saying "You've gained weight"
is the worst thing
you could say to a woman.
357
00:17:47,230 --> 00:17:49,110
It's like, you know,
358
00:17:49,150 --> 00:17:51,980
what if Carrie told you
that sometimes you didn't
satisfy her sexually?
359
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:54,610
Did she say that?
360
00:17:55,860 --> 00:17:56,990
No.
361
00:17:57,030 --> 00:17:58,990
Why did you pause?
362
00:17:59,030 --> 00:18:00,580
Did I pause?
363
00:18:00,620 --> 00:18:02,080
Yes, there was
a long pause.
364
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:03,790
Huh.
365
00:18:03,830 --> 00:18:05,710
Sara, come on, tell me!
Did she say that?
What did she say?!
366
00:18:05,750 --> 00:18:08,460
OK, she didn't
say "that", no.
367
00:18:09,630 --> 00:18:11,670
But something like that?
368
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:14,130
No. Not really.
369
00:18:14,170 --> 00:18:15,800
Another pause!
Stop pausing!
370
00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:20,050
Look, I'm just thinking about
how fat I am, OK?!
371
00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:21,220
I feel like I've been shot.
372
00:18:21,260 --> 00:18:23,010
Hmm, yeah, well,
good luck with that.
373
00:18:31,820 --> 00:18:33,440
Honey?
374
00:18:37,610 --> 00:18:40,660
Lordy, lordy, lord.
375
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:42,740
Hello.
376
00:18:42,780 --> 00:18:44,450
What are you--
What are you doing?
377
00:18:44,490 --> 00:18:46,290
I just ate
an entire Yule log
378
00:18:46,330 --> 00:18:49,540
I was saving
for Christmas.
379
00:18:49,580 --> 00:18:51,540
Now I'm even fatter.
380
00:18:51,580 --> 00:18:54,800
And we have no
holiday dessert.
381
00:18:56,010 --> 00:18:57,090
Oh, honey.
382
00:18:57,130 --> 00:18:59,470
You got out
your wedding dress.
383
00:18:59,510 --> 00:19:03,100
You were right.
I couldn't even
zip it up.
384
00:19:03,140 --> 00:19:05,180
I'm just a big fat
fatty.
385
00:19:05,220 --> 00:19:08,270
You just can't
reach the zipper.
386
00:19:08,310 --> 00:19:10,650
Here, let me.
387
00:19:10,690 --> 00:19:13,310
[ZIPPER MOVING
WITH DIFFICULTY]
388
00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:15,110
OK, inhale a little.
389
00:19:15,150 --> 00:19:16,740
[INHALES]
390
00:19:16,780 --> 00:19:17,990
Little more.
391
00:19:18,030 --> 00:19:19,070
[INHALES MORE]
392
00:19:19,110 --> 00:19:20,110
[ZIP]
393
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:21,610
There you go.
394
00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:23,990
I'm dizzy.
395
00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:26,950
You know what?
396
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:27,950
So what?
397
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,120
You know, who cares?
398
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:30,330
You still look...
399
00:19:30,370 --> 00:19:32,710
great.
400
00:19:32,750 --> 00:19:34,630
No, I don't.
401
00:19:34,670 --> 00:19:37,630
Doug, the day
I wore this dress
3 years ago...
402
00:19:37,670 --> 00:19:39,170
that's the best
I'm ever gonna look.
403
00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:40,680
It's all downhill
from here.
404
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:42,300
It's not downhill!
Yes, it is!
405
00:19:42,340 --> 00:19:44,550
No, it's not!
Yes, it is!
Yes, it is!
406
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:45,810
Look, look. Look.
407
00:19:45,850 --> 00:19:47,470
This is
my mother's dress.
408
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:50,350
One day,
I'm gonna fill out
this entire thing!
409
00:19:50,390 --> 00:19:51,810
You know what?
Give me the dress.
410
00:19:51,850 --> 00:19:52,730
What?
411
00:19:52,770 --> 00:19:55,020
Give me--
give me the dress.
412
00:19:55,070 --> 00:19:56,440
What are you doing?
413
00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:58,860
I'm--I'm--
I'm gonna put on
your mother's dress.
414
00:19:58,900 --> 00:20:00,110
Why?
415
00:20:00,150 --> 00:20:01,860
Why? Because it'll be
way too small for me,
416
00:20:01,910 --> 00:20:04,950
which means that
even if you do get
to be as big as her,
417
00:20:04,990 --> 00:20:06,120
I'll still be bigger,
418
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,870
which means
you'll always, always be...
419
00:20:08,910 --> 00:20:10,710
my skinny wife.
420
00:20:10,750 --> 00:20:13,120
It fits!
421
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:21,680
Actually, it needs to be
taken in a little.
422
00:20:25,300 --> 00:20:27,350
Carrie, just...
423
00:20:27,390 --> 00:20:29,680
I'm begging you
to let go of this.
424
00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:32,560
I want you
to stop feeling bad.
425
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:35,020
I want us to laugh.
426
00:20:35,060 --> 00:20:36,520
I want us
to have sex.
427
00:20:37,770 --> 00:20:41,110
For the sweet love of God,
I want a sandwich.
428
00:20:44,490 --> 00:20:46,280
Listen to me.
429
00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:48,240
I think you're beautiful.
430
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,950
You'll always, always
be beautiful.
431
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,210
Yeah, right.
432
00:20:52,250 --> 00:20:54,540
Yes, right.
433
00:20:54,580 --> 00:20:57,590
But what if I do
get fat?
434
00:20:57,630 --> 00:21:02,050
Just...come in
under a metric ton.
435
00:21:02,090 --> 00:21:03,340
Or sag?
436
00:21:03,380 --> 00:21:04,760
Hey, sagging's great.
437
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:07,100
What if I get
stretch marks and...
438
00:21:07,140 --> 00:21:08,350
retain water?
439
00:21:08,390 --> 00:21:10,060
I love water.
440
00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:16,520
Look at you
in this thing.
441
00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:18,730
You're likin' this,
aren't you?
Yeah.
442
00:21:18,770 --> 00:21:20,690
You know what's scarin' me?
Huh?
443
00:21:20,730 --> 00:21:23,030
Somethin' feels right.
[LAUGHING]
444
00:21:28,580 --> 00:21:29,530
Douglas...
445
00:21:29,580 --> 00:21:31,490
a little advice--
446
00:21:31,540 --> 00:21:34,500
Wear a slip with that.
447
00:21:41,250 --> 00:21:43,260
Oof. Heh.
448
00:21:43,300 --> 00:21:44,510
What a night, huh?
449
00:21:44,550 --> 00:21:46,760
Some Chinese food,
450
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:49,010
followed by some good deli,
451
00:21:49,050 --> 00:21:52,100
followed by some good lovin'
with the most beautiful
girl I know.
452
00:21:52,140 --> 00:21:55,270
[CLICKS TONGUE]
Aw, honey, that's sweet.
453
00:21:55,310 --> 00:21:56,810
[CHUCKLES]
454
00:21:58,230 --> 00:21:59,730
So the lovin' part,
455
00:21:59,770 --> 00:22:02,730
was my performance
to my lady's likin'?
456
00:22:04,690 --> 00:22:06,150
Yeah.
457
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,740
What was that pause?
458
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:12,950
[**]
459
00:22:31,300 --> 00:22:32,430
MAN:Good night.
31368
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