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1
00:00:02,370 --> 00:00:04,370
[**]
2
00:00:05,580 --> 00:00:07,590
They just delivered
the TV an hour ago,
3
00:00:07,630 --> 00:00:10,840
and, Kelly, this
thing is so gigantic,
it's ridiculous.
4
00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:14,510
I mean, the instruction book
is bigger than our old TV.
5
00:00:14,550 --> 00:00:15,760
[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
6
00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:18,510
Oh. Oh, let me go.
Doug's home. OK, bye.
7
00:00:20,220 --> 00:00:21,640
Oh, yeah? Well,
for your information,
8
00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:23,600
these are official
company issue!
9
00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:25,190
Doug.
No, no, you shut up!
10
00:00:25,230 --> 00:00:26,350
Doug!
11
00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:27,810
What? He's making
fun of my shorts again.
12
00:00:30,110 --> 00:00:33,240
He's 5.
Be the bigger man.
13
00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:36,070
It's just frustrating,
you know?
14
00:00:36,110 --> 00:00:39,200
He's so well-dressed,
I can't come back at him
with anything.
15
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:41,370
Hey, what are you
doing home from work?
16
00:00:41,410 --> 00:00:44,410
Well, my boss was trying
a case in Jersey,
so I snuck out early.
17
00:00:44,460 --> 00:00:45,420
Come on, come on!
18
00:00:45,460 --> 00:00:47,330
I have a huge surprise
for you.
19
00:00:47,380 --> 00:00:48,790
You're pregnant? Yes!
20
00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:50,340
No.
Thank God!
21
00:00:50,380 --> 00:00:51,880
Would you stop?
22
00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:54,800
There's something in
the basement for you.
23
00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:56,550
What?
24
00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:59,890
Oh, something I arranged
to have delivered today,
3 days early.
25
00:00:59,930 --> 00:01:03,220
Wh--you're not--
you're not--you don't mean--
in the b-b-b--
26
00:01:03,270 --> 00:01:04,600
That's correct.
27
00:01:16,780 --> 00:01:18,820
I love you.
28
00:01:22,830 --> 00:01:25,620
And I know in time
you'll learn
to love me, too.
29
00:01:26,830 --> 00:01:28,170
Oh, man, I gotta
call the guys.
30
00:01:28,210 --> 00:01:29,250
I already did.
On their way.
31
00:01:29,290 --> 00:01:30,500
You called 'em?
Yep.
32
00:01:30,540 --> 00:01:32,750
You are the best
mail-order bride ever!
33
00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:35,420
Ahh!
34
00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:38,300
So that's it, cutie,
your cave is complete.
35
00:01:38,340 --> 00:01:40,850
Yeah, I just love it
down here, you know?
36
00:01:40,890 --> 00:01:43,600
It's like someone
stuffed some shag carpet
and a foosball table
37
00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:46,270
into my mother's womb.
38
00:01:46,310 --> 00:01:48,400
Ow.
39
00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:52,190
MAN:
Doug! Yo, Doug,
you got the TV?
40
00:01:52,230 --> 00:01:53,860
Yeah, it's down here!
41
00:02:01,870 --> 00:02:04,290
Your friends are here.
42
00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,870
I can't feel my legs.
43
00:02:07,910 --> 00:02:10,710
Damn!
That's a nice TV.
44
00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:14,460
[**]
45
00:02:22,390 --> 00:02:23,600
She just glides.
46
00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:25,810
Look at that, I'm on 2,
I'm on 3, back to 2.
47
00:02:25,850 --> 00:02:27,850
Then--bam--hello, 57!
48
00:02:27,890 --> 00:02:30,940
Could we leave it
on one channel,
please?
49
00:02:30,980 --> 00:02:32,650
Look at this,
picture-in-picture.
50
00:02:32,690 --> 00:02:34,650
Oh, look at this,
picture-in-picture...
in-picture.
51
00:02:34,690 --> 00:02:36,480
I'm--I'm
begging you,
52
00:02:36,530 --> 00:02:39,860
you're gonna trigger
my epilepsy.
53
00:02:39,900 --> 00:02:41,910
All right, all right,
I'll leave it on 2.
54
00:02:41,950 --> 00:02:43,490
I want to catch
the news anyway.
55
00:02:43,530 --> 00:02:45,120
News?
56
00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:47,700
Yeah, the news. Clinton's
in China negotiating
a big trade thing.
57
00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:49,710
Maybe you'll
learn something.
58
00:02:49,750 --> 00:02:51,710
REPORTER:...forthe White House reportboth sides are satisfied
59
00:02:51,750 --> 00:02:53,670
that a successfulagreement was achieved.
60
00:02:53,710 --> 00:02:55,840
The First Ladyaccompanied the president...
61
00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:57,550
Would you do Hillary?
62
00:03:00,970 --> 00:03:03,090
She's the First Lady.
You gotta do it.
63
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:09,180
I don't know. She's filling
out that skirt a little bit
too much for my taste.
64
00:03:09,230 --> 00:03:12,940
Nah, see, I love
a little jiggle-jiggle
on a First Lady.
65
00:03:12,980 --> 00:03:15,400
Quite a think tank
you two have going.
66
00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:18,110
CARRIE:
Doug, it's after 6:00!
67
00:03:18,150 --> 00:03:20,070
Enough with the TV!
68
00:03:20,110 --> 00:03:22,450
All right, all right!
Hey, you guys, go on,
you'd better get out of here.
69
00:03:22,490 --> 00:03:23,820
Douglas, my man,
you are whipped.
70
00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:25,870
Yeah, man,
you're whipped.
71
00:03:25,910 --> 00:03:27,830
What are you talking about?
You still live with
your mother.
72
00:03:27,870 --> 00:03:29,120
She doesn't drive.
73
00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,460
Now listen up, sphincters,
we gotta inaugurate this bad boy
74
00:03:33,500 --> 00:03:35,630
4:00 Sunday, Jets-Miami.
You got it?
75
00:03:35,670 --> 00:03:36,750
Sunday it is! Duck!
76
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,510
Oh, and he fades
back to pass!
77
00:03:38,550 --> 00:03:39,510
CARRIE: Doug!
78
00:03:39,550 --> 00:03:41,800
Okay, honey!
Love you.
79
00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:44,720
Come on, come on,
keep it moving.
80
00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:47,220
Keep it moving.
Go home to
your wives...
81
00:03:47,260 --> 00:03:48,180
and mother.
82
00:03:48,220 --> 00:03:50,180
She doesn't
drive!
83
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:53,520
All right, I'll see
you mooks on Sunday.
84
00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:56,560
Oh, Richie,
don't pee there!
85
00:03:56,610 --> 00:03:59,190
All right, there.
86
00:03:59,230 --> 00:04:00,820
I love those guys.
87
00:04:00,860 --> 00:04:03,660
Well, good. Maybe you
can toilet train them,
you know?
88
00:04:03,700 --> 00:04:04,910
Hello.
89
00:04:04,950 --> 00:04:06,780
Hi.
90
00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:09,790
Listen, thanks again for
getting the TV here early.
91
00:04:09,830 --> 00:04:11,960
You're just--
you're so great.
92
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:13,750
Oh, heck.
93
00:04:13,790 --> 00:04:15,130
Hey, what do you say
we rent a movie tonight,
94
00:04:15,170 --> 00:04:17,750
we crack open a box of wine,
make a night of it, huh?
95
00:04:17,790 --> 00:04:19,000
Tonight?
Yeah.
96
00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:20,960
You know we
can't tonight.
97
00:04:21,010 --> 00:04:21,920
Why not?
98
00:04:21,970 --> 00:04:23,470
Dinner at
my dad's house.
99
00:04:23,510 --> 00:04:26,720
Remember, I put
the Post-It note
on your head?
100
00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:28,100
Oh, come on!
101
00:04:28,140 --> 00:04:29,970
No, Carrie, please.
102
00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:33,270
Don't make me go
to that bad place.
103
00:04:33,310 --> 00:04:35,270
Oh, stop.
It's just dinner.
104
00:04:35,310 --> 00:04:37,610
It'll be painless.
Yeah, for you.
105
00:04:37,650 --> 00:04:39,860
You get to stay inside
with his latest wife,
what's-her-name?
106
00:04:39,900 --> 00:04:41,780
Tessie.
Tessie, right, yeah.
107
00:04:41,820 --> 00:04:43,820
Meanwhile, your wacko
father's got me combing
the streets with him,
108
00:04:43,860 --> 00:04:45,700
hunting for
broken glass.
109
00:04:45,740 --> 00:04:49,990
You know, you really should
tell him it's never gonna be
a form of currency.
110
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:51,660
All right, I admit
he's a little out there,
111
00:04:51,700 --> 00:04:53,660
but we can't keep
canceling on them.
112
00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:56,670
I don't think they believed
the last excuse you gave them.
113
00:04:56,710 --> 00:05:00,090
What was it, that you
were stuck in a well?
114
00:05:01,250 --> 00:05:02,710
All right, I choked.
115
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:04,090
Yeah.
116
00:05:04,130 --> 00:05:05,550
Come on, Carrie,
I just--
117
00:05:05,590 --> 00:05:06,800
I feel like being alone
with you tonight.
118
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:10,720
You know, it has been
17 days since I've...
119
00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:12,140
enjoyed you.
120
00:05:12,180 --> 00:05:15,640
And I assume
it's been months
since you've enjoyed me.
121
00:05:17,810 --> 00:05:21,230
All right,
all right, I'll cancel.
122
00:05:21,270 --> 00:05:22,320
Yes!
123
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,150
You're pathetic.
124
00:05:27,860 --> 00:05:29,200
Will you
look at this thing?
125
00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:32,120
It's like the cockpit
of a 747.
126
00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:34,080
Oh, it lights up.
127
00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:37,000
It's dark,
but I can still see
where the buttons are.
128
00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:38,580
All right, enough
with that already.
129
00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:41,000
I thought you wanted
to fool around tonight.
130
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:42,960
I do. I'm ready.
You ready?
131
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:47,180
My friend, I've been
looking at Denzel Washington
for 2 hours. I'm ready.
132
00:05:47,220 --> 00:05:48,840
Let's rumble.
133
00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:50,010
All right.
134
00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:52,010
Now, you,
I want a clean fight.
135
00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:54,930
Protect yourself
at all times.
136
00:05:57,060 --> 00:05:59,650
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
137
00:05:59,690 --> 00:06:00,860
What's that?
138
00:06:00,900 --> 00:06:03,650
It's just
urgent knocking.
It'll go away.
139
00:06:03,690 --> 00:06:04,980
Stop, I'll get it.
140
00:06:05,030 --> 00:06:07,200
No, no, you stay here.
You gotta stay
focused, OK?
141
00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:08,820
Stay in the mood, huh?
142
00:06:08,860 --> 00:06:10,570
Hey, it's
all coming back.
143
00:06:13,740 --> 00:06:17,790
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
144
00:06:17,830 --> 00:06:19,210
Ohh! I--I--
145
00:06:19,250 --> 00:06:21,080
Oh, Sara.
Hey, let me guess.
Some huge crisis,
146
00:06:21,130 --> 00:06:23,210
you need to talk to
your sister right away.
147
00:06:23,250 --> 00:06:25,960
Yes!
No, sorry.
148
00:06:26,010 --> 00:06:28,050
Tessie died!
149
00:06:28,090 --> 00:06:29,880
Tessie died?
150
00:06:29,930 --> 00:06:32,220
Oh, man.
151
00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:36,310
Yeah, I got home from
acting class and Dad told me
she'd had a heart attack.
152
00:06:36,350 --> 00:06:38,270
[SIGHS] What a shock, huh?
153
00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:40,770
Yeah, I know, isn't it?
154
00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:43,360
So how's your dad doing?
155
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:45,940
He's pretty broken up.
156
00:06:46,780 --> 00:06:48,280
How about you? You all right?
[SPRINKLER CLICKING]
157
00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:51,240
Well, you know, I'm wet.
Your sprinklers just came on.
158
00:06:51,950 --> 00:06:53,620
[**]
159
00:06:59,330 --> 00:07:01,420
Oh, poor Dad.
160
00:07:01,460 --> 00:07:03,840
This has gotta be
tough on him.
161
00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:06,670
With Tessie gone,
he's gotta be heartbroken,
you know?
162
00:07:06,710 --> 00:07:09,130
This is not
mustard from a jar.
This is deli mustard.
163
00:07:09,170 --> 00:07:10,840
Try it.
164
00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:12,840
I'm gonna
go talk to Sara.
165
00:07:12,890 --> 00:07:15,310
Spend some time
with him, OK?
166
00:07:24,190 --> 00:07:25,150
So, um...
167
00:07:25,190 --> 00:07:26,780
[CLEARS THROAT]
168
00:07:26,820 --> 00:07:28,740
How you doing, Arthur?
169
00:07:28,780 --> 00:07:30,780
How you--
how you holding up?
170
00:07:30,820 --> 00:07:32,160
Look at that guy.
171
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:33,740
What guy?
172
00:07:33,780 --> 00:07:36,790
That freak over
at the buffet table.
173
00:07:36,830 --> 00:07:37,990
He's stealing food.
174
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:39,910
You see that piece of ham?
175
00:07:39,950 --> 00:07:43,170
Watch. It's going
right in his pocket.
176
00:07:43,210 --> 00:07:45,250
He's making a sandwich.
177
00:07:45,290 --> 00:07:46,710
Another one?
That's his third!
178
00:07:46,750 --> 00:07:49,760
Yeah, you! I guess my
wife dropping dead's
179
00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:51,340
made you
pretty hungry, huh?
180
00:07:51,380 --> 00:07:53,720
Well, that's it!
I'm cutting you off.
181
00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:56,010
Doug, let's get his ham.
182
00:07:58,470 --> 00:08:00,390
God, a retirement home?
183
00:08:00,430 --> 00:08:03,350
I don't know, Carrie.
Is it, like, evil of us
to do that to him?
184
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,360
Will you stop?
We talked about this.
185
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:07,230
It's the best thing.
186
00:08:07,270 --> 00:08:09,940
I know, but don't those places
sometimes do experiments
on old people?
187
00:08:09,980 --> 00:08:11,900
You know, like testing
perfume in their eyes
188
00:08:11,950 --> 00:08:13,820
or making them run mazes?
189
00:08:13,860 --> 00:08:16,120
No.
190
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:18,080
Okay, but even so,
if he sells this house,
191
00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:20,290
uh, hi, where am I gonna go?
I've been living here rent-free.
192
00:08:20,330 --> 00:08:22,000
Don't you have
any money saved?
193
00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:24,460
No. Thought I was gonna get that
big Mentos commercial,
194
00:08:24,500 --> 00:08:26,710
but apparently,
they didn't think I was
fresh and full of life.
195
00:08:26,750 --> 00:08:28,880
Stupid schmucks.
196
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:31,050
All right, you can
stay with us for a while--
197
00:08:31,090 --> 00:08:34,090
No! Oh, God, thank you.
Thank you so much.
198
00:08:34,130 --> 00:08:36,430
Oh, hey, can I paint
my room black?
199
00:08:36,470 --> 00:08:39,850
Honey, uh, your father's
frightening the other mourners.
200
00:08:39,890 --> 00:08:41,730
Oh, I'm on my way.
201
00:08:43,810 --> 00:08:45,020
What are you holding?
202
00:08:45,060 --> 00:08:47,400
Oh, this is some guy's ham...
203
00:08:48,060 --> 00:08:50,280
and that's his wife's
potato salad.
204
00:08:53,110 --> 00:08:56,070
Thanks for everything,padre.
You did a great job.
205
00:08:56,110 --> 00:09:00,200
Here. Go get yourself
an egg cream.
206
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:01,200
Dad.
207
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:02,410
Sara and I
208
00:09:02,450 --> 00:09:04,540
really need
to talk to you
about something.
209
00:09:04,580 --> 00:09:05,500
What is it, darling?
210
00:09:05,540 --> 00:09:07,460
Well, now that
Tessie's gone,
211
00:09:07,500 --> 00:09:09,460
things are probably
going to change
quite a bit.
212
00:09:09,500 --> 00:09:12,210
Ahem. Yeah, and,
you know, Dad,
I was thinking,
213
00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:14,170
you know, maybe I should
just get out of
your way around here,
214
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:16,890
you know? In fact,
Doug and Carrie agreed
to let me stay with them
215
00:09:16,930 --> 00:09:18,260
until I can afford
my own place.
216
00:09:19,890 --> 00:09:21,470
Well, that's just
fine, sweetheart.
217
00:09:21,510 --> 00:09:24,100
Now I can
turn your room into
a little greenhouse,
218
00:09:24,140 --> 00:09:27,770
grow some stuff
to help my...glaucoma.
219
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:34,030
Dad, um, actually,
you know, there's more.
220
00:09:35,860 --> 00:09:37,240
Carrie, you...
221
00:09:38,370 --> 00:09:40,950
Well, Dad,
we felt, uh, you know,
222
00:09:40,990 --> 00:09:42,330
under the circumstances,
223
00:09:42,370 --> 00:09:45,120
you might be happier
if you sold the house
224
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:46,410
and moved into a nice...
225
00:09:46,460 --> 00:09:49,080
lovely retirement home.
226
00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:51,840
I got 2 words for you--
227
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:54,090
I'm stayin' right here!
228
00:09:54,130 --> 00:09:55,420
That's 4 words.
229
00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:57,430
Oh, is it? Then
I got another 4 words--
screw you!
230
00:09:57,470 --> 00:09:59,300
Well, that's 2 words.
231
00:09:59,340 --> 00:10:01,100
Arthur, maybe you should
stop saying in advance
how many words you have.
232
00:10:01,140 --> 00:10:03,010
Yeah, once you do that,
you're pretty much
locked in, huh?
233
00:10:03,060 --> 00:10:04,270
Locked in.
234
00:10:04,310 --> 00:10:06,390
All right, thank you.
Dad, look, we love you,
235
00:10:06,430 --> 00:10:08,400
and we respect you,
but let's face it,
236
00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:11,900
you need a lot of...
watching.
237
00:10:13,070 --> 00:10:14,440
I resent that!
238
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:15,940
Oh, Dad, please.
239
00:10:15,990 --> 00:10:17,950
The last time Tessie
left you alone
for 2 minutes,
240
00:10:17,990 --> 00:10:21,070
she found you
reshingling the roof
with no pants...
241
00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:24,240
and no shingles.
242
00:10:25,450 --> 00:10:28,290
So, because
a man is old,
243
00:10:28,330 --> 00:10:30,880
because he has
a few eccentricities,
244
00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:33,040
you're ready to put him
down like a lame horse,
245
00:10:33,090 --> 00:10:34,300
is that it?
246
00:10:34,340 --> 00:10:37,300
Well, let me
tell you something.
247
00:10:37,340 --> 00:10:39,970
As long as I've got the
strength to draw breath,
248
00:10:40,010 --> 00:10:43,970
as long as I've got
one ounce of dignity
in my bones,
249
00:10:44,010 --> 00:10:46,890
I'm gonna
live by myself,
take care of myself,
250
00:10:46,930 --> 00:10:51,980
right here in the house
that I built with
my own two hands!
251
00:10:52,020 --> 00:10:54,650
[SIRENS]
252
00:10:54,690 --> 00:10:58,610
Huh. I wonder
if it's too late
to get insurance?
253
00:10:58,650 --> 00:11:01,200
[**]
254
00:11:09,290 --> 00:11:10,670
Hey, what's going on?
255
00:11:10,710 --> 00:11:13,540
Guess who won himself
$9.00 in poker tonight.
256
00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:16,050
If you guessed
Doug Heffernan,
257
00:11:16,090 --> 00:11:18,260
you might just be right.
258
00:11:21,970 --> 00:11:23,300
What's the matter?
259
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:26,600
What's your, uh, what's
your dad doing here, anyway?
260
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:32,270
And why does he smell
like hickory-smoked bacon?
261
00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:35,400
Well, Dad decided
to cook his dinner
262
00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:37,690
on a 42-year-old
hot plate,
263
00:11:37,730 --> 00:11:40,070
and he burned
his house down.
264
00:11:40,110 --> 00:11:43,240
He what? But--but there's
a whole big kitchen in there.
265
00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:45,700
What the hell's he cooking
on a hot plate for?
266
00:11:45,740 --> 00:11:49,250
Apparently, it was
his lucky hot plate.
267
00:11:49,290 --> 00:11:50,580
It is lucky.
268
00:11:50,620 --> 00:11:54,000
It's the only thing
that survived
the fire.
269
00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:57,420
SARA: Well...
270
00:11:57,460 --> 00:11:59,710
I guess I'll unpack now.
271
00:12:02,300 --> 00:12:04,260
[COUGHS]
272
00:12:04,300 --> 00:12:06,180
Good night.
273
00:12:08,430 --> 00:12:11,180
I really screwed up,
didn't I?
274
00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:13,230
At least
no one was hurt.
275
00:12:13,270 --> 00:12:15,230
Sara's OK, you're OK.
276
00:12:15,270 --> 00:12:17,190
That's the main thing.
277
00:12:17,230 --> 00:12:18,190
I'm not OK.
278
00:12:18,230 --> 00:12:19,570
I'm just
a stupid old fool
279
00:12:19,610 --> 00:12:22,110
who's overstayed
his welcome
on this earth.
280
00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:24,740
Carrie...
281
00:12:24,780 --> 00:12:27,740
why don't you pick out
one of those places for me,
282
00:12:27,780 --> 00:12:30,580
and I'll go
without a fight.
283
00:12:35,330 --> 00:12:37,670
[HOT PLATE CLANKING]
284
00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:45,550
By the way, honey,
if you want,
285
00:12:45,590 --> 00:12:47,510
I can take a personal
day from work tomorrow.
286
00:12:47,550 --> 00:12:49,510
We can check out
some of those
retirement places.
287
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:52,640
There's a really nice
one I deliver to right
off of Queens Boulevard.
288
00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:56,150
They have very good
macaroni and cheese.
289
00:12:57,190 --> 00:12:58,770
Hey, what's the matter?
290
00:12:59,730 --> 00:13:01,690
Doug, upstairs
it just hit me.
291
00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:04,110
I--I can't
do this to him.
292
00:13:04,150 --> 00:13:06,660
I can't just stick him
in some crappy place
293
00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:09,080
where they're gonna just
prop him up in a chair
294
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:12,290
and pump him full of Jell-O.
295
00:13:12,330 --> 00:13:14,410
I mean, he's my father.
296
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:17,630
Hey, Carrie, I know
how you feel, but you
gotta be realistic.
297
00:13:17,670 --> 00:13:19,040
There's no alternative.
298
00:13:19,090 --> 00:13:22,090
Well, there's
one alternative.
299
00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:25,720
Euthanasia?
300
00:13:27,510 --> 00:13:30,060
Do we dare?
301
00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:33,180
No.
302
00:13:33,220 --> 00:13:36,310
I was talking about
him living here.
303
00:13:36,350 --> 00:13:39,230
Here? With us?
I mean, how?
We don't have the room.
304
00:13:39,270 --> 00:13:40,610
I mean, Sara's gonna be
in the spare bedroom,
right?
305
00:13:40,650 --> 00:13:42,190
Yeah.
Well, there's
no other room.
306
00:13:42,230 --> 00:13:44,360
I mean,
there's this room,
but this room is--
307
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:47,410
Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
this is my safe place.
308
00:13:47,450 --> 00:13:49,450
I'm safe here, remember?
309
00:13:49,490 --> 00:13:52,700
Did you see his face
when he talked about going
into a retirement home?
310
00:13:52,740 --> 00:13:54,080
He looked so depressed.
311
00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:55,540
D-d--is that what
you got, depressed?
312
00:13:55,580 --> 00:13:57,170
See, I didn't
get depressed.
313
00:13:57,210 --> 00:13:59,130
No, I read him more like
a nervous, fun energy,
314
00:13:59,170 --> 00:14:01,540
like--like a kid
going to summer camp
for the first time.
315
00:14:01,590 --> 00:14:03,840
It's scary, but, hey,
there's arts and crafts.
316
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:05,590
[CRYING]
317
00:14:05,630 --> 00:14:07,800
Oh, whoa, come on,
don't do that, don't.
318
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:10,600
I'm sorry. I just--I feel
so guilty about my dad,
319
00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:13,310
but I feel like if
I help him, it hurts you,
320
00:14:13,350 --> 00:14:15,680
and I don't want
to hurt you.
I love you.
321
00:14:15,730 --> 00:14:18,440
Come on, Carrie,
don't cry. Come on,
when you cry, I...
322
00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:23,570
Oh, God..
323
00:14:23,610 --> 00:14:25,320
[CRYING]
324
00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:29,280
Oh, God.
325
00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:32,910
He can live here.
It's OK.
326
00:14:32,950 --> 00:14:34,910
Oh, honey,
are you sure?
327
00:14:34,950 --> 00:14:38,290
Yeah. This room's
stupid, anyway.
328
00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:41,580
Honey, you're the best.
329
00:14:41,630 --> 00:14:44,460
Thank you so much.
Let's go tell Dad.
330
00:14:46,510 --> 00:14:47,630
Oh, God.
331
00:14:47,670 --> 00:14:49,880
Are you okay?
332
00:14:49,930 --> 00:14:52,300
I need a few minutes.
333
00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:55,310
Would you hold me?
Yeah.
334
00:14:55,810 --> 00:14:57,810
[**]
335
00:15:00,940 --> 00:15:04,150
SPENCE:
Come on! You gotta
make those tackles!
336
00:15:04,190 --> 00:15:06,280
They're
gonna blow it.
337
00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:09,280
They're
already down 42-3.
338
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:11,280
Well, at least
I think that's the score.
339
00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:14,530
I can't see
the bottom of the screen.
340
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:17,370
Hey, Richie,
come on, eat over a plate.
341
00:15:17,410 --> 00:15:19,790
Carrie doesn't want
to get crumbs on the duvet.
342
00:15:19,830 --> 00:15:22,290
What's the duvet?
343
00:15:22,330 --> 00:15:23,750
Look, I don't know,
344
00:15:23,790 --> 00:15:26,170
but she was pointing
to that area
when she said it.
345
00:15:32,220 --> 00:15:33,550
Pull the covers off.
346
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,180
Ah, it's drafty.
My legs--
347
00:15:35,220 --> 00:15:36,930
Pull the covers off!
348
00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:40,190
All right.
Why are you in
such a foul mood?
349
00:15:40,230 --> 00:15:42,270
Because I'm watching
a football game on
something called a duvet.
350
00:15:42,310 --> 00:15:43,650
This sucks, man.
351
00:15:43,690 --> 00:15:45,190
Hey, what do you want
me to do, all right?
352
00:15:45,230 --> 00:15:46,650
I mean, I'm living
with my wife's family
now, OK?
353
00:15:46,690 --> 00:15:48,610
At least
you get to go home.
354
00:15:48,650 --> 00:15:51,450
SPORTSCASTER:
Back with scores andhighlights after this.
355
00:15:51,490 --> 00:15:54,450
Hey, Moose,
question for you.
356
00:15:54,490 --> 00:15:56,450
Now that your wife's
sister moved in,
357
00:15:56,490 --> 00:15:59,200
the two of them ever,
you know, uh, get into
an argument,
358
00:15:59,250 --> 00:16:02,670
then, uh, maybe start
whackin' each other
with pillows.
359
00:16:02,710 --> 00:16:05,670
Next thing you know,
a little playful rasslin'
360
00:16:05,710 --> 00:16:08,670
leads to
a lingering kiss...
361
00:16:13,550 --> 00:16:15,800
I'm askin'.
362
00:16:15,850 --> 00:16:18,470
Is--is this
Egyptian cotton?
Because--
363
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,230
Give me that!
364
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:25,400
See, when you
can do this,
365
00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:28,860
that means it's time
to buy a new one, OK?
366
00:16:28,900 --> 00:16:30,650
OK, this isn't
about the milk,
is it, Carrie?
367
00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:32,820
No, this is about me
losing that set of
house keys
368
00:16:32,860 --> 00:16:34,280
with your
address on it.
369
00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:35,410
What?
370
00:16:35,450 --> 00:16:36,830
Oh, you heard me.
371
00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:39,580
Y-y-y-you want to...
372
00:16:45,750 --> 00:16:47,420
[**]
373
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,430
CARRIE: Okay, honey, I'm out.
374
00:16:56,430 --> 00:16:57,850
[GROANS]
375
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:06,270
[**]
376
00:17:08,570 --> 00:17:09,650
[DOOR OPENS]
377
00:17:09,690 --> 00:17:11,070
Jeez!
Don't mind me.
Keep shaving.
378
00:17:11,110 --> 00:17:12,610
Keep shaving.
379
00:17:12,650 --> 00:17:13,950
Sara,
what are you doing?
I haven't showered yet.
380
00:17:13,990 --> 00:17:15,570
I'm sorry,
but if I'm late
for this audition,
381
00:17:15,610 --> 00:17:17,660
there's no way
I'll get it. Just
give me 5 minutes.
382
00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:18,910
OK, half hour, tops.
383
00:17:18,950 --> 00:17:21,290
Oh, man.
384
00:17:23,620 --> 00:17:24,790
[TURNS SHOWER ON]
385
00:17:24,830 --> 00:17:25,960
Ah...
386
00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:45,480
The subway's gonna be
a disaster this morning--
387
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:47,400
Yourface.
388
00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:50,440
Why did you
cut yourself so much?
389
00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:52,730
I'd rather not say.
390
00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:55,740
And why are you still
in your pajamas, hon?
391
00:17:55,780 --> 00:17:57,910
It's a quarter to 8:00.
Have you even showered?
392
00:17:57,950 --> 00:17:59,530
No. Your sister's
been in there
for 20 minutes.
393
00:17:59,570 --> 00:18:00,870
Well, did you try
flushing the toilet?
394
00:18:00,910 --> 00:18:02,950
Yeah. She just screams
and keeps showering.
395
00:18:02,990 --> 00:18:04,750
All right,
I'll get her out.
396
00:18:06,830 --> 00:18:09,710
Whoa! Slept like a baby.
397
00:18:09,750 --> 00:18:14,010
Seventy-five years old
and I still wake up with
the little guy saluting me.
398
00:18:17,510 --> 00:18:18,840
SARA: I'm out of the bathroom!
399
00:18:18,890 --> 00:18:20,640
Let me at it!
400
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:25,680
I have a good feeling.
This could be my day.
401
00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:29,650
[**]
402
00:18:29,690 --> 00:18:30,690
DISPATCHER:Doug?
403
00:18:30,730 --> 00:18:32,900
I got your wifeon the line.
404
00:18:32,940 --> 00:18:34,530
Should I patch her through?
405
00:18:34,570 --> 00:18:35,990
Yeah, yeah, please.
406
00:18:36,030 --> 00:18:37,030
Doug?
407
00:18:37,070 --> 00:18:38,450
Hey, babe.
408
00:18:38,490 --> 00:18:39,450
Hi.
409
00:18:39,490 --> 00:18:40,530
How's it going?
410
00:18:40,570 --> 00:18:41,530
I've been better.
411
00:18:41,570 --> 00:18:42,910
I was a half hour
late to work
412
00:18:42,950 --> 00:18:44,580
and my boss
ripped me a new one.
413
00:18:44,620 --> 00:18:47,660
Again, honey?That's your fourth onethis month.
414
00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:51,170
So what's up?
415
00:18:51,210 --> 00:18:53,170
Nothing. I was just
sittin' here
416
00:18:53,210 --> 00:18:54,420
thinking about you
417
00:18:54,460 --> 00:18:56,130
and how much I love you
418
00:18:56,170 --> 00:18:58,840
and how great you've beenabout Dad moving inand everything.
419
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:00,510
Ah, no big deal.
420
00:19:00,550 --> 00:19:03,100
No, it is.I mean, living with us
421
00:19:03,140 --> 00:19:04,680
has calmed him downso much.
422
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:06,680
In fact, I just spoketo him an hour ago,
423
00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:08,770
and he said he wasjust going to spendthe rest of the afternoon
424
00:19:08,810 --> 00:19:10,020
in his room reading.
425
00:19:10,060 --> 00:19:11,860
[LOUD MUSIC PLAYS
ON CAR RADIO]
426
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:13,730
Isn't that something?
427
00:19:23,620 --> 00:19:25,120
Doug?
428
00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:26,700
Doug?
429
00:19:26,750 --> 00:19:28,790
What are you
so upset about?
430
00:19:28,830 --> 00:19:29,960
I was just
going to the movies.
431
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,040
You see,
that part's fine,
just fine.
432
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:34,090
The part I'm having
a problem with, Dad,
433
00:19:34,130 --> 00:19:35,670
is the hookers!
434
00:19:35,710 --> 00:19:38,510
Look, the fact is,
I was lonely.
435
00:19:38,550 --> 00:19:40,630
I just didn't want to go
to the movies by myself.
436
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,140
That's all there was to it.
437
00:19:42,180 --> 00:19:45,100
He didn't have to
embarrass me
in front of my hos.
438
00:19:45,140 --> 00:19:46,680
Embarrassyou?
439
00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:47,680
Excuse me,
440
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,600
who'd they pepper spray?
441
00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:51,690
You guys,
I'm thinking about
having a party here.
442
00:19:51,730 --> 00:19:52,690
Is Tuesday OK?
443
00:19:52,730 --> 00:19:53,770
No, it's not.
444
00:19:53,810 --> 00:19:55,190
And not Wednesday
either.
445
00:19:55,230 --> 00:19:56,900
I'm having
the Kiwanis Club over.
446
00:19:56,940 --> 00:19:58,780
Well, can't you switch it
to Thursday?
447
00:19:58,820 --> 00:20:00,780
All right, that's it!
Listen up, OK?
448
00:20:00,820 --> 00:20:04,160
Hey, this is my house.
I pay the mortgage here.
449
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,490
Actually,
she pays the mortgage.
It's a tax thing.
450
00:20:06,530 --> 00:20:08,830
The point is,
starting now,
here are the rules.
451
00:20:08,870 --> 00:20:09,830
All right, no parties,
452
00:20:09,870 --> 00:20:10,830
no Kiwanis,
453
00:20:10,870 --> 00:20:12,580
no hookers,
454
00:20:12,620 --> 00:20:14,920
no jumping in line
for the bathroom
and making me late for work,
455
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:17,550
and certainly,
no naked soapy silhouettes
456
00:20:17,590 --> 00:20:20,840
gettin' me all hot
while I'm trying to shave.
457
00:20:22,010 --> 00:20:23,840
You got that, Arthur?
458
00:20:29,140 --> 00:20:31,640
CARRIE: God, finally,
459
00:20:31,690 --> 00:20:34,100
Sara's out on a date...
460
00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:37,110
Dad's nailed
into the basement
for the night,
461
00:20:37,150 --> 00:20:40,110
so it's just you and me,
Doug...
462
00:20:40,150 --> 00:20:42,610
if that is
your real name.
463
00:20:45,660 --> 00:20:46,910
What's the matter?
464
00:20:46,950 --> 00:20:48,830
I'm not in the mood.
465
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:51,540
Why not?
466
00:20:51,580 --> 00:20:53,750
I feel fat.
467
00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:57,960
Would you stop it?
468
00:20:58,000 --> 00:20:59,130
You're not fat.
You're...
469
00:20:59,170 --> 00:21:00,550
I know. Husky.
470
00:21:00,590 --> 00:21:01,590
Husky.
471
00:21:01,630 --> 00:21:02,720
Husky.
That's right.
472
00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:05,590
Now, what's really
going on?
473
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:07,970
I just miss the way
things used to be.
474
00:21:08,010 --> 00:21:09,970
You know, when it was
just you and me and...
475
00:21:10,020 --> 00:21:12,680
we had the house
to ourselves
and we could...
476
00:21:12,730 --> 00:21:15,310
watch the top
and bottom half
of a movie.
477
00:21:15,350 --> 00:21:16,650
I know.
478
00:21:16,690 --> 00:21:17,940
I know.
479
00:21:17,980 --> 00:21:19,610
Me, too.
480
00:21:19,650 --> 00:21:21,690
But look at it
this way.
481
00:21:21,740 --> 00:21:24,780
Sometimes
the top half
of a movie
482
00:21:24,820 --> 00:21:26,160
is all you need.
483
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:27,910
Right?
484
00:21:27,950 --> 00:21:29,330
I guess you're right.
485
00:21:29,370 --> 00:21:30,830
OK.
486
00:21:34,710 --> 00:21:36,000
Wait.
487
00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:38,750
The top half of a movie
is all you need?
488
00:21:38,790 --> 00:21:41,050
What the hell
does that mean?
489
00:21:41,090 --> 00:21:42,170
It...it...
490
00:21:42,210 --> 00:21:44,630
It means nothing.
It means nothing.
491
00:21:44,670 --> 00:21:46,010
We haven't had sex
in a month,
492
00:21:46,050 --> 00:21:48,180
so if you want to talk,
let's talk after.
493
00:21:48,220 --> 00:21:49,680
Yeah, if I'm still awake,
baby.
494
00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:50,890
Yeah.
495
00:21:53,060 --> 00:21:55,060
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
496
00:21:57,020 --> 00:21:58,360
Did you, uh...
497
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,770
confiscate your dad's
hot plate?
498
00:22:00,820 --> 00:22:02,360
I should have,
shouldn't I?
499
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:06,280
Let's just keep going
till we smell smoke.
500
00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:09,820
[**]
501
00:22:11,910 --> 00:22:13,660
[**]
502
00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:33,260
Good night.
35997
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