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1
00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:17,595
Her favorite CD
in the Otis Redding box set? Disk three.
2
00:00:17,877 --> 00:00:20,345
My favorite? Any guesses? Anyone?
3
00:00:20,446 --> 00:00:22,414
Come on. Disk three!
4
00:00:23,216 --> 00:00:26,083
God, Victoria's so amazing.
I could talk about her for hours.
5
00:00:26,185 --> 00:00:28,119
What do you mean could?
6
00:00:28,221 --> 00:00:30,052
I'm sorry. It's just...
7
00:00:30,156 --> 00:00:33,557
God, I'm crazy about this girl.
It feels like, maybe...
8
00:00:34,093 --> 00:00:37,290
- I don't wanna say it.
- Trust that impulse, Ted.
9
00:00:38,464 --> 00:00:41,331
Hey, something kind of cool
just happened.
10
00:00:41,434 --> 00:00:43,299
My story on Pickles, the singing dog,
11
00:00:43,402 --> 00:00:46,462
just got nominated
for a Local Area Media Award.
12
00:00:47,373 --> 00:00:51,434
- A LAMA?
- We prefer Local Area Media Award.
13
00:00:52,378 --> 00:00:54,369
Um, there's gonna be this big banquet.
14
00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:55,845
I know these things aren't much fun,
15
00:00:55,948 --> 00:00:58,212
but it would really mean a lot to me
if you guys came.
16
00:00:58,317 --> 00:00:59,614
Oh, well...
17
00:00:59,986 --> 00:01:01,146
And there's an open bar.
18
00:01:01,254 --> 00:01:02,221
- Oh, yes!
- Word up!
19
00:01:02,321 --> 00:01:04,312
Put me down for two.
20
00:01:04,423 --> 00:01:06,448
- Really? It's three months away.
- I know.
21
00:01:06,559 --> 00:01:09,722
But, guys, I'm sorry, I'm gonna say it.
22
00:01:09,829 --> 00:01:13,287
I have a feeling Victoria's gonna be around
for a long time.
23
00:01:14,767 --> 00:01:16,735
I'm gonna miss Victoria.
24
00:01:17,036 --> 00:01:18,628
I should just skip this thing entirely.
25
00:01:18,738 --> 00:01:21,730
Robin is still pissed at me after,
you know...
26
00:01:21,841 --> 00:01:24,833
You lied and said you were broken up
with Victoria before you actually were,
27
00:01:24,944 --> 00:01:26,138
so you could try to nail Robin,
28
00:01:26,245 --> 00:01:29,305
and you wound up losing both girls
in one night.
29
00:01:29,415 --> 00:01:32,077
Yes, that's what I meant by, "You know..."
30
00:01:32,785 --> 00:01:35,720
I haven't seen her in three weeks.
She won't return my calls.
31
00:01:35,821 --> 00:01:38,551
- Look, I shouldn't go.
- You should definitely go.
32
00:01:38,658 --> 00:01:39,818
Look, it's a chance to show her
33
00:01:39,925 --> 00:01:41,722
you're still friends
and that you support her.
34
00:01:41,827 --> 00:01:44,990
Or it's a chance to mess with her head
by showing up with someone hotter.
35
00:01:45,097 --> 00:01:48,362
Even better, triple threat,
hotter and bigger boobs.
36
00:01:48,467 --> 00:01:50,833
- That's only two.
- Count again.
37
00:01:51,570 --> 00:01:53,800
Barney, I'm not bringing a date
even if I wanted to.
38
00:01:53,906 --> 00:01:55,237
The thing's in two hours.
39
00:01:55,341 --> 00:01:58,504
- So get an escort.
- By escort, you mean prostitute?
40
00:01:58,878 --> 00:02:01,176
- Why not?
- Because gross?
41
00:02:02,014 --> 00:02:03,072
Oh, what, gross?
42
00:02:03,182 --> 00:02:06,083
What, you have some puritanical hang-up
about prostitution?
43
00:02:06,185 --> 00:02:08,949
Dude, it's the world's oldest profession.
44
00:02:09,789 --> 00:02:12,019
- You really think that's true?
- Oh, yeah.
45
00:02:12,124 --> 00:02:14,524
I bet even Cro-Magnons
used to give cave-hookers,
46
00:02:14,627 --> 00:02:16,959
like, an extra fish for putting out.
47
00:02:17,063 --> 00:02:20,055
Uh-huh. So, then, the oldest profession
would be fisherman. Kaboom!
48
00:02:20,166 --> 00:02:21,929
You've been lawyered.
49
00:02:23,202 --> 00:02:26,501
Come on, Ted. Let's get you a hooker.
It'll be fun.
50
00:02:26,605 --> 00:02:29,403
Okay. To bring to the banquet
and hang out with ironically
51
00:02:29,508 --> 00:02:32,534
- or to actually have sex with?
- Yes.
52
00:02:33,846 --> 00:02:37,509
No, it's illegal. And did I mention gross?
53
00:02:37,616 --> 00:02:40,517
That's adorable.
Ted, you're such a hayseed.
54
00:02:40,786 --> 00:02:44,847
The companionship business
is the growth industry of the 21st century.
55
00:02:44,957 --> 00:02:49,553
You do realize that one out of every eight
adult women in America is a prostitute.
56
00:02:49,662 --> 00:02:50,651
- You just made that up.
- Withdrawn.
57
00:02:50,763 --> 00:02:51,752
Lawyered.
58
00:02:53,866 --> 00:02:56,630
The point is... How long has it been?
59
00:02:58,971 --> 00:03:00,563
Fifty-seven days.
60
00:03:01,507 --> 00:03:02,997
- Is that your water? May I?
- Yeah, go ahead.
61
00:03:03,109 --> 00:03:04,508
Much obliged.
62
00:03:05,211 --> 00:03:09,614
Fifty-seven days! Ted, you are in a slump.
63
00:03:09,715 --> 00:03:13,549
No, it's not a slump.
It's an intentional hiatus from girls.
64
00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:16,416
A slump is when you strike out
every time you step up to the plate,
65
00:03:16,522 --> 00:03:18,387
but I'm off the roster, baby.
66
00:03:18,557 --> 00:03:20,457
I'm in the locker room
sitting in the whirlpool.
67
00:03:20,559 --> 00:03:23,027
And I'll tell you something,
it feels pretty good.
68
00:03:23,129 --> 00:03:25,029
Yeah. You know what else
is in that locker room?
69
00:03:25,131 --> 00:03:27,691
A bunch of naked dudes hanging brain.
70
00:03:28,701 --> 00:03:33,570
Ted, you need a lady,
and I've got the next best thing. Mary.
71
00:03:33,906 --> 00:03:37,569
She lives in my building.
She's smart. She's hot. She's totally cool.
72
00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:39,007
Oh, she sounds great.
73
00:03:39,111 --> 00:03:41,636
And, who knows, maybe we will wind up
getting married someday,
74
00:03:41,747 --> 00:03:44,716
you know,
if we can get a blessing from her pimp.
75
00:03:44,817 --> 00:03:46,944
You wanna judge a fellow human being
76
00:03:47,052 --> 00:03:49,714
based solely on
one external characteristic?
77
00:03:49,822 --> 00:03:51,312
That's racism.
78
00:03:51,624 --> 00:03:55,060
And I do not drink with racists. Good day!
79
00:03:59,432 --> 00:04:01,730
You're just waiting for me to speak,
so you can...
80
00:04:01,834 --> 00:04:03,426
I said good day!
81
00:04:05,371 --> 00:04:05,771
So should I wear my hair up or down?
82
00:04:05,772 --> 00:04:07,864
So should I wear my hair up or down?
83
00:04:10,309 --> 00:04:12,300
- Lily.
- What?
84
00:04:12,411 --> 00:04:15,346
- You okay?
- Oh, yeah. Sorry.
85
00:04:15,448 --> 00:04:17,780
I'm just exhausted from work.
86
00:04:17,883 --> 00:04:21,649
The stupid school board took away
naptime in all kindergarten classes,
87
00:04:21,754 --> 00:04:25,087
and now the kids are just going crazy
by the end of the day.
88
00:04:25,191 --> 00:04:29,127
And it's much harder to deal with
because, well, I don't get my nap.
89
00:04:30,095 --> 00:04:33,258
Oh, wait, you were taking naps
when the kids were? Is that safe?
90
00:04:33,365 --> 00:04:36,232
Oh, they're only five.
What are they gonna do to me?
91
00:04:38,871 --> 00:04:41,897
- Ted's still coming to this thing, right?
- Yep.
92
00:04:42,608 --> 00:04:46,635
Do you think, hypothetically,
it would be weird if I bring a date?
93
00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:51,878
Look at you, Scherbatsky,
blatantly trying to make Ted jealous.
94
00:04:51,984 --> 00:04:54,350
No, it's just this guy
at the station.
95
00:04:54,453 --> 00:04:58,150
I never get involved with coworkers,
but he asked me and I said yes.
96
00:04:58,324 --> 00:05:01,691
- Is it gonna be weird?
- No, it's not gonna be weird at all.
97
00:05:02,061 --> 00:05:05,724
- Robin's bringing a date.
- That's gonna be really weird.
98
00:05:05,831 --> 00:05:07,458
- I know.
- Okay.
99
00:05:09,702 --> 00:05:13,695
- Robin's bringing a date.
- Oh. Okay, that's not weird.
100
00:05:13,806 --> 00:05:16,297
She's bringing a date.
I'm glad she's moving on.
101
00:05:16,408 --> 00:05:19,275
- Dude, it's gonna be weird.
- No, it's fine.
102
00:05:19,378 --> 00:05:22,779
Look, in spite of whatever happened
between us, Robin and I are still friends.
103
00:05:22,882 --> 00:05:23,871
I don't think it'll be weird.
104
00:05:23,983 --> 00:05:25,575
- Yeah, it won't be weird.
- Thank you.
105
00:05:25,684 --> 00:05:27,879
Because you're gonna bring
your own date.
106
00:05:27,987 --> 00:05:30,512
- Hello, Barney.
- Hi, Mary.
107
00:05:30,623 --> 00:05:32,614
Have you met Ted?
108
00:05:35,995 --> 00:05:38,361
- Nice to meet you, Ted.
- Hi, Mary.
109
00:05:38,731 --> 00:05:41,256
Wow! It's, uh, nice to meet you, too.
110
00:05:41,367 --> 00:05:42,994
So, we're going to an award show?
111
00:05:43,102 --> 00:05:44,694
Yep. Could you just excuse us
for one minute?
112
00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:46,737
- Barney?
- See you in two shakes, Mar.
113
00:05:46,839 --> 00:05:49,364
You two make yourselves comfortable.
114
00:05:50,643 --> 00:05:51,837
What the hell?
115
00:05:51,944 --> 00:05:54,640
Dude, your narrow-minded views
on professional fornicators
116
00:05:54,747 --> 00:05:56,180
are harshing my mellow.
117
00:05:56,282 --> 00:05:59,979
- So, I got you a date for the evening.
- You got me a hooker.
118
00:06:00,286 --> 00:06:02,948
A really hot... A hooker!
119
00:06:03,289 --> 00:06:05,280
Think about it. This is perfect.
120
00:06:05,391 --> 00:06:08,360
A, it will make Robin insanely jealous.
121
00:06:08,460 --> 00:06:10,894
B, you get to have sex with her.
122
00:06:10,996 --> 00:06:13,260
And C, maybe by getting to know Mary,
123
00:06:13,365 --> 00:06:15,663
you'll come to see
that courtesans are people, too.
124
00:06:15,768 --> 00:06:19,727
And D, B all night long.
125
00:06:19,938 --> 00:06:22,600
I'm not taking a prostitute
to Robin's banquet.
126
00:06:22,708 --> 00:06:24,903
Dude, the only people who will know
are you, me and Marshall.
127
00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:26,034
No one will suspect a thing.
128
00:06:26,145 --> 00:06:29,842
They'll just see you with
this unbelievably smoking hot girl and...
129
00:06:29,948 --> 00:06:32,542
Okay, yeah, that's a little bit suspicious.
130
00:06:33,786 --> 00:06:36,914
Look, I'm just trying to expand
your horizons a little bit tonight.
131
00:06:37,022 --> 00:06:40,185
But if you're not interested, fine,
I'm out 500 bucks. Whatever.
132
00:06:40,292 --> 00:06:41,691
Five hundred bucks, you?
133
00:06:41,794 --> 00:06:43,762
Ted, you're my cabrón,
134
00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:48,196
You think I'm gonna stick you with some
toothless tranny from the Port Authority?
135
00:06:48,334 --> 00:06:51,826
Look at how hot she is.
Robin would be so jealous.
136
00:06:51,937 --> 00:06:54,997
I'm not trying
to make Robin jealous, Barney.
137
00:06:55,107 --> 00:06:58,440
Look, I... Tell Mary thanks, but no thanks.
I have a soul.
138
00:06:59,912 --> 00:07:01,539
And then
your Uncle Marshall and I
139
00:07:01,647 --> 00:07:02,671
had one of our famous
140
00:07:02,781 --> 00:07:04,442
telepathic conversations,
141
00:07:05,017 --> 00:07:07,508
- Check out Robin's date,
- I know,
142
00:07:07,619 --> 00:07:12,181
- Is that who I think it is?
- Yep, It's Sandy Rivers,
143
00:07:12,558 --> 00:07:15,288
Sandy Rivers
was the face ofMetro News 1,
144
00:07:15,394 --> 00:07:18,329
the most low-budget
cable news channel ever,
145
00:07:18,597 --> 00:07:20,531
Sandy time. Sandy time!
146
00:07:20,833 --> 00:07:24,462
He was best known for his morning
segment in "Today's Paper,"
147
00:07:24,570 --> 00:07:28,870
during which he literally flipped through
today's paper reading it aloud to viewers,
148
00:07:28,974 --> 00:07:32,307
Here we have on the front page
a story about a...
149
00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:37,314
I guess a guy in a superhero costume
climbing the Empire State Building,
150
00:07:37,716 --> 00:07:39,343
Looks interesting,
151
00:07:40,018 --> 00:07:43,419
These idiotic filler pieces
were a guilty pleasure of ours,
152
00:07:43,522 --> 00:07:45,922
Oh, which Sandy do we want today?
Uh...
153
00:07:46,358 --> 00:07:49,623
- French Sandy, porn-star Sandy...
- Yosemite Sandy, definitely.
154
00:07:49,728 --> 00:07:51,355
Excellent choice.
155
00:07:54,566 --> 00:07:56,932
SAND Y;... I raised these as a child,
I tell you it's not easy,
156
00:08:01,607 --> 00:08:03,541
I love this guy.
157
00:08:03,742 --> 00:08:05,733
I hate this guy.
158
00:08:08,914 --> 00:08:11,246
- Hey. Hi.
- Hi.
159
00:08:11,350 --> 00:08:13,511
- I'm Lily.
- I'm Mary. Nice to meet you.
160
00:08:13,619 --> 00:08:16,213
Mary is a friend of Barney's.
Barney invited her.
161
00:08:16,321 --> 00:08:18,721
Just met Mary ourselves.
Don't know too much about Mary.
162
00:08:18,824 --> 00:08:20,257
Look, a beer.
163
00:08:22,861 --> 00:08:24,192
- Hey.
- Hi.
164
00:08:24,696 --> 00:08:26,857
- You look nice.
- Oh, Ted, this is Sandy.
165
00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:31,197
Hi, Sandy Rivers. Use my full name.
People get a kick out of it.
166
00:08:31,303 --> 00:08:33,567
Hi, Sandy Rivers.
167
00:08:34,873 --> 00:08:38,172
- So, are you two...
- Starting a bunch of office rumors?
168
00:08:38,277 --> 00:08:40,541
Looks that way. Looks that way.
169
00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:43,945
Oh, how rude of me.
170
00:08:44,416 --> 00:08:47,044
Robin, Sandy... Rivers,
171
00:08:47,853 --> 00:08:50,321
this is Mary, my date.
172
00:08:55,038 --> 00:08:56,300
ANNOUNCER; Ladies and gentlemen,
173
00:08:56,406 --> 00:08:59,307
welcome to the 45th annual
Local Area Media Awards,
174
00:08:59,409 --> 00:09:01,343
Please say hello
to our host for the evening,
175
00:09:01,477 --> 00:09:05,345
king of the Saturday afternoon
kung fu movie, Vampire Lou,
176
00:09:09,886 --> 00:09:13,549
Tonight we celebrate the very best
in broadcasting
177
00:09:13,690 --> 00:09:16,591
and the triumph of the human spirit,
178
00:09:17,393 --> 00:09:20,419
Man, Vampire Lou just looks great.
179
00:09:21,598 --> 00:09:24,465
I can't believe I'm on
a date with a hooker.
180
00:09:24,567 --> 00:09:28,162
Yeah, I can't believe you let her and Lily
go to the ladies' room together, man.
181
00:09:28,271 --> 00:09:29,704
Secrets come out in there.
182
00:09:29,806 --> 00:09:31,103
Oh, please, how's it gonna come out?
183
00:09:31,207 --> 00:09:33,675
"Pass me a towel.
P.S. I have sex for money."
184
00:09:33,776 --> 00:09:36,040
- Who had sex for money?
- Nobody.
185
00:09:36,145 --> 00:09:38,511
What did you guys talk about in there,
anything interesting?
186
00:09:38,615 --> 00:09:40,105
No, not really.
187
00:09:40,783 --> 00:09:43,843
We just chitchatted,
and I borrowed her lipstick.
188
00:09:45,755 --> 00:09:50,590
Yeah, why is Vampire Lou the host
of a Saturday afternoon kung fu movie?
189
00:09:50,860 --> 00:09:54,591
You know? It just makes no sense.
God, that pisses me off.
190
00:09:55,164 --> 00:09:56,392
Lily, you okay?
191
00:09:56,499 --> 00:10:00,128
Oh, yeah, I'm just tired.
And when I get tired, I get cranky.
192
00:10:00,236 --> 00:10:02,397
Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky.
193
00:10:02,505 --> 00:10:05,201
"Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky."
194
00:10:06,843 --> 00:10:09,004
Wow. Why are you so tired?
195
00:10:09,412 --> 00:10:10,811
Well, I teach kindergarten,
196
00:10:10,913 --> 00:10:12,813
and the school board
took away my naptime...
197
00:10:12,915 --> 00:10:14,507
The kids' naptime.
198
00:10:14,717 --> 00:10:17,049
Lily, quit your job.
Work at a private school.
199
00:10:17,153 --> 00:10:18,620
You won't have to deal
with the school board,
200
00:10:18,721 --> 00:10:21,417
- and you'll make a ton more money.
- Well, guess what, Barney?
201
00:10:21,524 --> 00:10:25,016
I don't base all my life decisions
on how much money I'm gonna make,
202
00:10:25,128 --> 00:10:27,221
unlike you and sadly my fiancé.
203
00:10:27,330 --> 00:10:29,389
Well, it's just an internship
for the record for everybody...
204
00:10:29,532 --> 00:10:33,195
Yeah, because if I did sacrifice
all my values just for an easy buck,
205
00:10:33,302 --> 00:10:36,465
- what would that make me?
- A prostitute.
206
00:10:37,273 --> 00:10:39,332
Exactly. Thank you, Mary.
207
00:10:39,442 --> 00:10:43,378
- So, Mary, what do you do for a living?
- She's a paralegal.
208
00:10:45,548 --> 00:10:47,140
Yes, I'm a paralegal.
209
00:10:47,250 --> 00:10:49,480
So, Mary the paralegal.
210
00:10:49,852 --> 00:10:52,252
What does a paralegal do exactly?
211
00:10:53,523 --> 00:10:57,857
I just assist with day-to-day clerical work
in a law firm, downtown.
212
00:10:57,994 --> 00:11:01,760
- Oh, what firm?
- Douglas, O'Halloran and Stamp.
213
00:11:02,131 --> 00:11:04,429
- That's a real law firm.
- I know.
214
00:11:05,134 --> 00:11:06,226
Nice.
215
00:11:07,470 --> 00:11:10,769
- Pretty good on your feet.
- Are you flirting with me?
216
00:11:10,873 --> 00:11:14,138
- Is that allowed?
- Yes, it's encouraged.
217
00:11:15,278 --> 00:11:18,714
You know, I wouldn't normally
say this on a first date,
218
00:11:18,815 --> 00:11:21,511
but, well, considering,
I'm just gonna say it.
219
00:11:21,617 --> 00:11:23,448
You are so hot.
220
00:11:24,420 --> 00:11:26,650
- Well, thank you.
- You're welcome.
221
00:11:26,756 --> 00:11:29,691
Mary, Ted is a great guy.
You hold on to him.
222
00:11:29,792 --> 00:11:32,317
Don't let him out of your sight
for a minute.
223
00:11:33,863 --> 00:11:35,854
So, Sandy, what do you do?
224
00:11:35,965 --> 00:11:37,865
Oh, wait, I know what you do.
225
00:11:37,967 --> 00:11:39,901
You're the guy
who reads the paper in the morning.
226
00:11:40,002 --> 00:11:42,971
You got me. What do you do, Ted?
227
00:11:43,072 --> 00:11:45,438
Oh, same thing as you.
I read the paper every morning.
228
00:11:45,541 --> 00:11:49,204
But then after that, I finish my coffee
and I go to my real job as an architect,
229
00:11:49,312 --> 00:11:51,803
where I make an actual contribution
to the world.
230
00:11:51,914 --> 00:11:54,178
I'm just kidding. Love your show.
You're terrific.
231
00:11:54,283 --> 00:11:57,446
Thanks. I never tire of hearing that.
232
00:12:00,490 --> 00:12:02,856
Hey, you know that scene in Empire
233
00:12:02,959 --> 00:12:05,928
where they lower the helmet
onto Darth Vader's head?
234
00:12:06,028 --> 00:12:09,395
Do you think that's how Sandy
puts his hair on in the morning?
235
00:12:10,099 --> 00:12:14,331
You just insulted someone I hate
by referencing something I love.
236
00:12:14,737 --> 00:12:17,137
Damn! You just got even hotter.
237
00:12:20,376 --> 00:12:23,675
And so, as the night wore on,
I started to realize
238
00:12:23,780 --> 00:12:28,274
this girl, despite what she did
for a living, was kind of great,
239
00:12:32,432 --> 00:12:34,093
- Hey.
- Hey.
240
00:12:34,468 --> 00:12:37,460
Mary seems nice.
Have you kissed her yet or are you waiting
241
00:12:37,571 --> 00:12:40,563
until you're in a serious relationship
with someone else?
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00:12:40,674 --> 00:12:43,734
Yeah. I've been meaning to apologize
for everything that happened.
243
00:12:43,844 --> 00:12:46,540
And just like that it's all okay.
Roll credits.
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00:12:46,647 --> 00:12:49,514
So you're gonna be mad at me forever?
What, we're not even friends now?
245
00:12:49,616 --> 00:12:51,607
- We're still friends.
- We're... Are we?
246
00:12:51,718 --> 00:12:53,709
You don't return my calls.
We never hang out.
247
00:12:53,820 --> 00:12:57,085
And now you're trying to make me jealous
by waving Edward R. Moron in my face?
248
00:12:57,190 --> 00:13:01,149
Oh, and Paralegally Blonde isn't here
in her low-cut dress to make me jealous?
249
00:13:01,261 --> 00:13:03,252
Oh, so now she's a whore?
250
00:13:04,665 --> 00:13:06,292
- What?
- You know something?
251
00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:09,369
Mary the paralegal is awesome.
And you know what else?
252
00:13:09,469 --> 00:13:11,027
I didn't come here tonight
to make you jealous.
253
00:13:11,138 --> 00:13:15,541
I came here to support you as a friend,
and frankly, I'm sick of trying.
254
00:13:18,745 --> 00:13:20,303
I like that guy.
255
00:13:24,351 --> 00:13:26,046
- Hey.
- Hey.
256
00:13:26,153 --> 00:13:27,643
What were you guys
talking about over there?
257
00:13:27,754 --> 00:13:31,781
Oh, I was, uh, just telling my friend
that I think you're awesome.
258
00:13:32,926 --> 00:13:34,416
Well, thanks.
259
00:13:35,195 --> 00:13:38,164
You know, this is one of the nicer hotels
I've ever been in.
260
00:13:38,265 --> 00:13:39,527
Oh, yeah, my friend did the remodel.
261
00:13:39,633 --> 00:13:41,294
You should see the rooms,
the views are amazing.
262
00:13:41,401 --> 00:13:44,427
Yeah? Maybe it's too bad
we don't have a room.
263
00:13:45,472 --> 00:13:48,100
Room 1506, my treat. You kids go nuts.
264
00:13:48,208 --> 00:13:50,574
Actually, don't use the minibar.
265
00:13:56,891 --> 00:13:59,052
Do it. Come on, Ted, do it.
266
00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:01,390
This is one of those things you have to do
before you turn 30.
267
00:14:01,496 --> 00:14:04,897
- Sleep with a prostitute?
- No, lose your virginity. What up!
268
00:14:04,999 --> 00:14:09,561
Statistic. Men who have had
at least one relationship with a prostitute
269
00:14:09,670 --> 00:14:13,367
are 75% more likely
to have success in future relationships.
270
00:14:13,474 --> 00:14:14,771
- You just made that up.
- Withdrawn.
271
00:14:14,876 --> 00:14:17,037
Lawyered. Okay, three things.
272
00:14:17,144 --> 00:14:18,839
First of all, Robin's
category is almost up.
273
00:14:18,946 --> 00:14:22,347
And second of all, you cannot do this.
It's wrong on every level.
274
00:14:22,450 --> 00:14:25,146
And third, I've been placing small items
in Sandy's hair all night,
275
00:14:25,253 --> 00:14:26,914
and he still hasn't noticed.
276
00:14:27,021 --> 00:14:31,253
I know I can't do this. I'm not doing this.
It's just... It's a shame. She's really cool.
277
00:14:31,359 --> 00:14:33,725
- Yeah, well... Here we go.
- All right.
278
00:14:33,828 --> 00:14:37,355
Brampton for
"A Bicycle, Joy Ride or Deathtrap?"
279
00:14:37,832 --> 00:14:41,427
Mike Murphy
for "Thirteen, Pregnant and Addicted,"
280
00:14:41,869 --> 00:14:45,600
And Robin Scherbatsky
for "Pickles, the Singing Dog,"
281
00:14:45,973 --> 00:14:49,340
And the winner is Robin Scherbatsky,
282
00:14:55,583 --> 00:14:56,914
Thanks.
283
00:14:59,053 --> 00:15:02,318
Oh, wow, This is really a surprise,
284
00:15:03,357 --> 00:15:07,020
You know, it's nice to be able
to share this award with my friends,
285
00:15:07,128 --> 00:15:08,425
They're all here tonight,
286
00:15:08,529 --> 00:15:10,963
Marshall, Lily, Sandy Rivers...
287
00:15:13,234 --> 00:15:14,462
Barney,
288
00:15:15,836 --> 00:15:19,135
And that's it, Those are all my friends,
Thank you,
289
00:15:26,981 --> 00:15:29,381
- Congratulations.
- Oh, thanks.
290
00:15:30,151 --> 00:15:34,110
- Um, Sandy, do you want to get a cab?
- Sure. Let's go.
291
00:15:35,222 --> 00:15:38,623
Yeah, this party is dead.
Mary, you wanna go upstairs?
292
00:15:39,794 --> 00:15:41,455
We got a room.
293
00:15:43,564 --> 00:15:47,227
- Dude, what are you doing?
- What's it look like?
294
00:15:47,335 --> 00:15:50,304
It looks bad, is what it looks like,
You cannot do this,
295
00:15:50,404 --> 00:15:53,339
Marshall, she is a really cool girl
when you get to know her,
296
00:15:53,441 --> 00:15:57,571
Besides, I'm trying to make Robin
jealous, - Oh, that's real mature,
297
00:15:58,012 --> 00:16:00,947
Marshall, what is up with you and Ted?
298
00:16:01,415 --> 00:16:03,610
Nothing, baby, Don't worry about it,
299
00:16:03,718 --> 00:16:05,618
Fine, Do what you want,
300
00:16:06,253 --> 00:16:07,413
Hey,
301
00:16:08,155 --> 00:16:09,213
Should we go?
302
00:16:09,323 --> 00:16:10,517
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
303
00:16:12,259 --> 00:16:13,226
Thanks.
304
00:16:13,327 --> 00:16:15,921
Well, good night.
305
00:16:16,664 --> 00:16:17,995
Good night.
306
00:16:33,414 --> 00:16:34,779
So, did you and Barney ever...
307
00:16:34,882 --> 00:16:37,680
- There's not enough money in the world.
- Oh, thank God.
308
00:16:37,785 --> 00:16:38,809
Yeah.
309
00:16:42,056 --> 00:16:44,024
- Wow, so they're...
- Uh-huh.
310
00:16:45,660 --> 00:16:49,653
- Robin, where's Sandy Rivers?
- I put him in a cab.
311
00:16:50,164 --> 00:16:53,497
- So, wait, you and he aren't...
- I don't date people I work with.
312
00:16:53,601 --> 00:16:55,933
I was just trying to make Ted jealous.
313
00:16:56,037 --> 00:16:59,029
- Is he...
- He's off trying to make you jealous.
314
00:16:59,140 --> 00:17:01,165
Oh, well, good for them.
315
00:17:01,709 --> 00:17:05,167
And, you know, if Ted likes her,
she's probably pretty cool.
316
00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:09,244
Lily, I know you're asleep,
but I have to tell someone this,
317
00:17:09,350 --> 00:17:12,615
and we tell each other everything,
So here it goes,
318
00:17:13,287 --> 00:17:16,450
Mary's not a paralegal, She's a prostitute,
319
00:17:16,724 --> 00:17:18,487
Mary's a prostitute?
320
00:17:19,326 --> 00:17:21,385
- What?
- Barney paid for her.
321
00:17:22,563 --> 00:17:23,996
Barney, is that true?
322
00:17:24,098 --> 00:17:26,999
We were having a conversation
about prostitution.
323
00:17:27,101 --> 00:17:30,229
And then Barney calls her up,
and then she shows up at the bar,
324
00:17:30,337 --> 00:17:32,032
and now she and Ted are upstairs.
325
00:17:32,139 --> 00:17:34,437
Okay, seriously,
what is going on with Ted, lately?
326
00:17:34,542 --> 00:17:36,874
Is he having a nervous breakdown?
327
00:17:36,977 --> 00:17:41,209
You know, Barney,
for anyone else this would be a new low,
328
00:17:41,315 --> 00:17:44,113
but sadly, for you, it's just a new middle.
329
00:17:45,619 --> 00:17:48,782
Oh, my God, I used her lipstick. Oh!
330
00:17:49,356 --> 00:17:50,516
That's her napkin.
331
00:17:53,194 --> 00:17:56,027
Okay, well, I guess now
is as good a time as any.
332
00:17:56,130 --> 00:17:58,257
In keeping with tonight's
award show motif,
333
00:17:58,365 --> 00:18:01,698
I'd like to announce
this evening's big twist ending.
334
00:18:05,072 --> 00:18:07,632
Vampire Lou, would you do the honors?
335
00:18:08,976 --> 00:18:11,672
"Mary is not really a prostitute."
336
00:18:12,580 --> 00:18:15,071
- What?
- That's all, Vampire Lou. Nicely done.
337
00:18:15,182 --> 00:18:16,672
- So she's not...
- No.
338
00:18:16,784 --> 00:18:19,014
Mary is just a paralegal
who lives in my building.
339
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:21,054
Oh! And here's the best part.
340
00:18:21,155 --> 00:18:23,316
She has no idea
that Ted thinks she's a hooker.
341
00:18:26,327 --> 00:18:29,626
Oh, come on.
If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.
342
00:18:40,841 --> 00:18:43,105
Feel kind of like Richard Gere.
343
00:18:43,811 --> 00:18:46,541
- Not shy about your looks, are you?
- No.
344
00:18:48,716 --> 00:18:51,617
You know, Mary,
I've never done this before.
345
00:18:52,052 --> 00:18:56,989
- Done what?
- You know, been on a date.
346
00:18:58,592 --> 00:18:59,786
Right.
347
00:19:00,628 --> 00:19:02,994
- Wait, you're kidding, right?
- No.
348
00:19:03,364 --> 00:19:05,093
Why, is that so odd?
349
00:19:05,199 --> 00:19:10,102
Well, Ted, I mean,
I've been going on dates since I was 15.
350
00:19:11,172 --> 00:19:13,163
God, you were just a kid.
351
00:19:13,974 --> 00:19:17,171
Well, look, let's just have a few drinks.
We'll relax...
352
00:19:17,278 --> 00:19:18,836
Yeah, that sounds great.
353
00:19:18,946 --> 00:19:21,506
I had clients riding me all day long.
354
00:19:22,683 --> 00:19:24,378
- Must be tough.
- Yeah.
355
00:19:24,485 --> 00:19:26,612
I mean, this one guy
just wouldn't leave me alone.
356
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:28,688
I mean, talk about anal.
357
00:19:36,030 --> 00:19:37,520
Here we are.
358
00:19:41,035 --> 00:19:44,095
Okay, look. Mary, I like you a lot.
359
00:19:44,371 --> 00:19:46,566
I'm sort of amazed
at how much I like you.
360
00:19:46,674 --> 00:19:49,643
But I can't do this, you're a hooker.
361
00:19:51,378 --> 00:19:52,504
What?
362
00:19:52,613 --> 00:19:55,673
Look, maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I'm
sorry, that's a deal-breaker for me.
363
00:19:55,783 --> 00:19:58,217
I'm not gonna have sex with a prostitute.
364
00:19:58,619 --> 00:20:00,587
Ted, I'm a paralegal.
365
00:20:00,988 --> 00:20:02,751
Come on, Mary,
there's no one else around.
366
00:20:02,857 --> 00:20:04,449
You're a hooker.
367
00:20:05,125 --> 00:20:07,992
No, Ted. I'm a paralegal.
368
00:20:08,796 --> 00:20:11,060
No, you're a hooker.
369
00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:15,467
No, I'm a paralegal.
370
00:20:19,506 --> 00:20:21,167
You're a paralegal.
371
00:20:25,512 --> 00:20:28,072
- That was not funny.
- Not funny, dude.
372
00:20:28,349 --> 00:20:30,340
I know. It was hilarious.
373
00:20:31,185 --> 00:20:34,450
- Why would you do that?
- I did it to prove a point.
374
00:20:34,555 --> 00:20:35,920
What point?
375
00:20:37,691 --> 00:20:40,251
Stay with me, it's gonna come to me.
376
00:20:41,962 --> 00:20:43,725
Okay, here's the point.
377
00:20:43,831 --> 00:20:45,492
You thought that Mary
was a sure thing, right?
378
00:20:45,599 --> 00:20:49,365
So what happened? She took you up
to a hotel room on the first date.
379
00:20:49,470 --> 00:20:52,268
All you have to do is be that confident
with every girl you meet
380
00:20:52,373 --> 00:20:53,567
and your slump's over.
381
00:20:53,674 --> 00:20:56,507
So the message is,
I should treat every woman like a whore?
382
00:20:56,610 --> 00:20:58,669
Come on, dude.
You should be thanking me.
383
00:20:58,779 --> 00:21:00,679
She slapped me and stormed off.
384
00:21:00,781 --> 00:21:03,579
Can you blame her?
You called her a hooker.
385
00:21:05,019 --> 00:21:07,249
I'm sorry, dude. It was funny.
386
00:21:07,454 --> 00:21:09,388
Yeah. Well, it's getting late.
387
00:21:09,490 --> 00:21:11,481
- I should get back to my room.
- Your room?
388
00:21:11,592 --> 00:21:14,652
Yeah, that really expensive hotel room
you put on your credit card,
389
00:21:14,762 --> 00:21:17,993
never checked out.
By the way, you know what's super fun?
390
00:21:18,098 --> 00:21:20,692
Pouring Dom Perignon
down a bathtub drain.
391
00:21:20,801 --> 00:21:23,929
Well, it's almost 3:00.
Got a massage. Toodles!
392
00:21:27,107 --> 00:21:30,076
Come on.
If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.
393
00:21:33,319 --> 00:21:36,319
Resynced by Ameen
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