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1
00:01:54,886 --> 00:01:57,805
All right, Petunia.
2
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Wish me luck out there.
3
00:01:59,598 --> 00:02:04,312
You will die on August 7th, 2037.
4
00:02:07,273 --> 00:02:08,607
That's pretty good.
5
00:02:11,694 --> 00:02:12,987
All right.
6
00:02:45,979 --> 00:02:47,313
Hello.
7
00:02:53,694 --> 00:02:55,113
Hello, Chicago.
8
00:02:57,615 --> 00:02:59,242
Nice to see you again.
9
00:03:01,285 --> 00:03:04,205
Thank you. That was very nice. Thank you.
10
00:03:04,288 --> 00:03:06,082
Look, now, you're a wonderful crowd,
11
00:03:06,165 --> 00:03:09,210
but I need you to keep your
energy up the entire show, okay?
12
00:03:09,293 --> 00:03:12,088
Because... No, no, no. Thank you.
13
00:03:12,171 --> 00:03:15,633
Some crowds... some crowds, they
have big energy in the beginning
14
00:03:15,716 --> 00:03:17,551
and then they run out of places to go.
15
00:03:17,635 --> 00:03:20,096
So... I don't judge those
crowds, by the way, okay?
16
00:03:20,179 --> 00:03:23,474
We've all gone too big too
fast and then run out of room.
17
00:03:23,557 --> 00:03:26,352
We've all made a "Happy Birthday" sign...
18
00:03:26,435 --> 00:03:27,853
Wait.
19
00:03:29,230 --> 00:03:31,065
You get that poster
board up, and you're like,
20
00:03:31,149 --> 00:03:33,526
"I don't need to trace it.
21
00:03:33,609 --> 00:03:36,362
I know how big letters should be.
22
00:03:36,445 --> 00:03:40,449
To begin with, a big-ass 'H'.
23
00:03:40,533 --> 00:03:43,077
Followed by a big-ass 'A' and...
24
00:03:43,161 --> 00:03:45,496
Oh, no! Oh, God!
25
00:03:45,579 --> 00:03:50,793
Okay, all right. Real
skinny 'P' with a high hump,
26
00:03:50,876 --> 00:03:54,505
and then we'll put the second 'P'
below the hump of that first 'P',
27
00:03:54,588 --> 00:03:58,217
sort of like a motorcycle
sidecar situation.
28
00:03:58,301 --> 00:04:03,431
And now I have no room for the 'Y', so
I'll do a kind of curled-up noodle 'Y'.
29
00:04:03,514 --> 00:04:07,101
Block letters and cursive
look good together."
30
00:04:07,185 --> 00:04:09,103
And then you go to write "Birthday"
31
00:04:09,187 --> 00:04:13,232
and you totally forget the lesson
you just learned with "Happy."
32
00:04:13,316 --> 00:04:15,818
You're like, "Yeah, but
the past is the past.
33
00:04:15,901 --> 00:04:18,529
Big-ass 'B'.
34
00:04:18,612 --> 00:04:21,740
Surely more letters will
fit in the same space."
35
00:04:24,035 --> 00:04:25,953
You're very friendly here in Chicago.
36
00:04:26,037 --> 00:04:28,622
I mean, we're all violent
here, but you're very friendly.
37
00:04:28,706 --> 00:04:30,666
No, really. And I don't like confrontation,
38
00:04:30,749 --> 00:04:32,626
'cause I've never been in a fight before.
39
00:04:32,710 --> 00:04:37,131
Though, maybe you could tell that from
the first moment I walked out on stage.
40
00:04:37,215 --> 00:04:39,050
I don't give off that vibe.
41
00:04:39,133 --> 00:04:41,802
Some people give off a vibe
of... Right away, they're like,
42
00:04:41,885 --> 00:04:43,846
"Do not fuck with me."
43
00:04:43,929 --> 00:04:44,972
My vibe is more like,
44
00:04:45,056 --> 00:04:49,893
"Hey, you could pour soup in my lap
and I'll probably apologize to you."
45
00:04:51,062 --> 00:04:54,773
When I walk, for real,
my feet go out like this.
46
00:04:54,857 --> 00:04:57,276
I'm so open and vulnerable.
47
00:04:57,360 --> 00:05:00,488
I look like a doll that you
point out molestation on.
48
00:05:01,989 --> 00:05:04,992
"Show us on this white comedian
where the man touched you."
49
00:05:07,328 --> 00:05:09,372
It's been a while since
I've been home to Chicago.
50
00:05:09,455 --> 00:05:11,457
I got married since then.
51
00:05:11,540 --> 00:05:13,041
Thank you.
52
00:05:15,961 --> 00:05:17,421
I married my wife.
53
00:05:18,464 --> 00:05:21,175
I love saying "my wife."
It sounds so adult.
54
00:05:21,259 --> 00:05:23,427
"That's my wife."
55
00:05:23,511 --> 00:05:25,888
It's great, you sound like a person.
56
00:05:25,971 --> 00:05:27,806
I said it even before we were married.
57
00:05:27,890 --> 00:05:30,143
We were just dating, and we
were once getting on an airplane,
58
00:05:30,226 --> 00:05:32,895
and Anna's ticket didn't say anything
and my ticket said "priority access."
59
00:05:32,978 --> 00:05:34,021
It doesn't matter why.
60
00:05:34,105 --> 00:05:38,401
But we were getting on and I said,
"Uh, can my wife board with me?"
61
00:05:38,484 --> 00:05:39,943
And they were like, "Yes,
of course. Right this way."
62
00:05:40,027 --> 00:05:43,113
And I was like, "Oh, that is so much
better than all those times I was like,
63
00:05:43,197 --> 00:05:45,866
'Can my girlfriend come?'"
64
00:05:46,742 --> 00:05:49,953
And, yeah, I shouldn't have
said it that way, but still.
65
00:05:50,037 --> 00:05:52,623
"My wife" just has some
kick-ass to it, you know?
66
00:05:52,706 --> 00:05:56,835
"Get away from my wife!
No one talk to my wife!"
67
00:05:56,919 --> 00:05:59,213
Marriage is gonna be very magical.
68
00:05:59,297 --> 00:06:01,089
"I didn't kill my wife!"
69
00:06:01,174 --> 00:06:04,802
That's like, "Ooh, who's that fella?
70
00:06:04,885 --> 00:06:07,221
I bet he did kill his wife."
71
00:06:09,223 --> 00:06:10,433
Being married is so nice.
72
00:06:10,516 --> 00:06:14,187
I never knew relationships were supposed
to make you feel better about yourself.
73
00:06:14,270 --> 00:06:15,396
That's not really a joke,
74
00:06:15,479 --> 00:06:18,148
that's just a little
sweet thing I like to say.
75
00:06:18,232 --> 00:06:21,277
'Cause I'd been in relationships where
I got cheated on, like, long ones.
76
00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:22,445
I don't know if you've ever been in
77
00:06:22,528 --> 00:06:24,780
a long relationship
where you got cheated on,
78
00:06:24,863 --> 00:06:26,657
but it changes your whole worldview.
79
00:06:26,740 --> 00:06:29,618
'Cause when I was a kid, I used
to watch America's Most Wanted.
80
00:06:29,702 --> 00:06:31,829
You know how kids do.
81
00:06:31,912 --> 00:06:36,041
And I would always think to myself,
"How could another person kill someone?
82
00:06:36,124 --> 00:06:39,127
How could a human being
kill another human being?"
83
00:06:39,212 --> 00:06:42,715
And then I got cheated on,
and I was like, "Oh, okay."
84
00:06:45,008 --> 00:06:47,803
"I'm not gonna do it,
but I totally get it."
85
00:06:48,429 --> 00:06:50,973
And I don't mean in that way of,
like, "No one else can have you."
86
00:06:51,056 --> 00:06:52,099
I don't care about that.
87
00:06:52,182 --> 00:06:55,478
It's just creepy to have an ex out
there after things have ended badly.
88
00:06:55,561 --> 00:06:57,646
They have a lot of information.
89
00:06:57,730 --> 00:07:00,816
Anyone who's seen my dick and
met my parents needs to die.
90
00:07:00,899 --> 00:07:02,568
I can't have them roaming around.
91
00:07:06,322 --> 00:07:09,367
I talked to a lot of people
before I got engaged, you know.
92
00:07:09,450 --> 00:07:11,952
And I heard this expression about
whether or not you should get married.
93
00:07:12,035 --> 00:07:13,829
This is an old expression. People say this.
94
00:07:13,912 --> 00:07:18,834
They say, "Why buy the cow when
you can get the milk for free?"
95
00:07:18,917 --> 00:07:20,336
You ever heard that before?
96
00:07:20,419 --> 00:07:23,046
It's a bananas insulting expression...
97
00:07:25,216 --> 00:07:27,343
to an entire gender.
98
00:07:27,426 --> 00:07:30,721
But also, it makes no sense.
99
00:07:30,804 --> 00:07:33,849
"Why buy the cow when you
can get the milk for free?"
100
00:07:33,932 --> 00:07:37,478
You're not allowed to milk
a cow that you don't own.
101
00:07:40,188 --> 00:07:42,149
That's not even a situation.
102
00:07:44,527 --> 00:07:47,112
Was that a problem at one point?
103
00:07:47,195 --> 00:07:49,323
Like, in the dairy community?
104
00:07:49,407 --> 00:07:52,493
Was that happening a hundred
years ago in some village?
105
00:07:52,576 --> 00:07:57,164
Some Dutch prick was sneaking in at night
being like, "Ah-ha-ha, I take your milk."
106
00:07:58,081 --> 00:08:00,834
And the farmer was like, "Well,
then, this is your cow now."
107
00:08:00,918 --> 00:08:02,961
And he was like, "No,
no proof of purchase."
108
00:08:03,045 --> 00:08:04,672
And he ran off into the night.
109
00:08:04,755 --> 00:08:06,173
That sounded Dutch, right?
110
00:08:06,257 --> 00:08:09,843
You know what that... you know
what that expression means?
111
00:08:09,927 --> 00:08:14,056
It means, "Why would you marry a woman
if she's already having sex with you?"
112
00:08:14,139 --> 00:08:17,435
Which has nothing to do with what
relationships are even like anymore.
113
00:08:17,518 --> 00:08:20,729
Now, it's like, "Why buy the cow?"
114
00:08:20,813 --> 00:08:22,981
Uh, maybe because, every day,
115
00:08:23,065 --> 00:08:25,734
the cow asks you when
you're gonna buy it. And...
116
00:08:29,071 --> 00:08:31,031
... you live in a really
small apartment with the cow,
117
00:08:31,114 --> 00:08:34,827
so you can't avoid that question at all.
118
00:08:34,910 --> 00:08:38,414
And also, the cow is way
better at arguing than you are.
119
00:08:38,497 --> 00:08:42,335
And the cow grew up in a
family that knows how to argue.
120
00:08:42,418 --> 00:08:44,420
"Why buy the cow?"
121
00:08:44,503 --> 00:08:47,631
Uh, maybe because every
time another cow gets bought,
122
00:08:47,715 --> 00:08:49,717
you have to go to the sale
123
00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:54,472
and you have to sit next
to your cow at the sale,
124
00:08:54,555 --> 00:08:57,182
and your cow looks over at
you the entire time like...
125
00:09:00,185 --> 00:09:03,188
And does not enjoy the sale at all...
126
00:09:04,231 --> 00:09:07,275
even though she's the one
that wanted to go to the sale.
127
00:09:08,402 --> 00:09:10,112
And she's especially mad
128
00:09:10,195 --> 00:09:14,032
because that farmer and cow met,
like, eight months after you guys met.
129
00:09:15,659 --> 00:09:17,786
"Why buy the cow?"
Well, let's be real here.
130
00:09:17,870 --> 00:09:20,956
You're very lucky to have
the cow that you do have.
131
00:09:21,039 --> 00:09:23,376
"Roping in cows and
getting milk out of them
132
00:09:23,459 --> 00:09:25,961
was never anything you
were known for, John."
133
00:09:27,254 --> 00:09:29,297
By the most liberal of estimates,
134
00:09:29,382 --> 00:09:35,220
there have been about eight cows
total, several unmilked, and...
135
00:09:35,303 --> 00:09:39,433
a lot of people think that you like
bulls, and if you just bought...
136
00:09:39,517 --> 00:09:41,268
They assume it.
137
00:09:42,185 --> 00:09:44,480
When you search your name, the
third thing to come up is like,
138
00:09:44,563 --> 00:09:46,732
"John Mulaney bull?"
139
00:09:46,815 --> 00:09:50,861
And if you just bought the cow,
nobody would say that anymore.
140
00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:57,284
They'll still say it.
141
00:09:57,368 --> 00:09:59,244
'Cause there are those
guys who, they buy a cow,
142
00:09:59,327 --> 00:10:01,705
and then on the side, total matador, but...
143
00:10:03,416 --> 00:10:05,834
But, for real, Chicago, why buy the cow?
144
00:10:05,918 --> 00:10:07,545
Let's be real. Why buy the cow?
145
00:10:07,628 --> 00:10:09,713
Because you love her. You really do.
146
00:10:09,797 --> 00:10:12,508
And, yeah, yeah...
147
00:10:12,591 --> 00:10:15,678
Sure, she's a bossy little Jew, but...
148
00:10:18,389 --> 00:10:19,640
... she takes care of you.
149
00:10:19,723 --> 00:10:21,767
And you don't wanna be some
old man stumbling around, like,
150
00:10:21,850 --> 00:10:24,269
"Hey, you seen any loose milk?"
151
00:10:28,857 --> 00:10:32,528
My wife is Jewish. She's
a New York Jew. I did it!
152
00:10:34,112 --> 00:10:35,656
Now, I was raised Catholic.
153
00:10:35,739 --> 00:10:38,451
I don't know if you can tell
that from the everything about me.
154
00:10:41,620 --> 00:10:46,667
My wife is Jewish, I grew up Catholic,
so we got married by a friend.
155
00:10:47,626 --> 00:10:50,754
Being married by a friend
is a beautiful ceremony
156
00:10:50,838 --> 00:10:53,256
that alienates both families' religions,
157
00:10:53,340 --> 00:10:56,760
while confusing the elderly
people at the wedding.
158
00:10:56,844 --> 00:10:58,178
"What's the name of the bishop?"
159
00:10:58,261 --> 00:11:01,139
"That's actually stand-up
comedian Dan Levy.
160
00:11:02,140 --> 00:11:04,935
He was the host of
MTV's Your Face or Mine?"
161
00:11:05,978 --> 00:11:10,023
I saw a lot of Catholic weddings,
though, because I was an altar boy...
162
00:11:10,107 --> 00:11:11,525
And a hush falls over the room.
163
00:11:13,861 --> 00:11:16,363
Isn't it weird how that
became a scandalous thing?
164
00:11:16,446 --> 00:11:19,449
That was just some boring
shit I had to do on weekends.
165
00:11:19,533 --> 00:11:23,036
But now, it's like saying, "I was
a French maid for a period of time.
166
00:11:24,162 --> 00:11:28,709
I was treated well in my day.
I worked for a variety of sirs."
167
00:11:30,544 --> 00:11:32,921
No, being an altar boy was
just a boring gig, you know?
168
00:11:33,005 --> 00:11:36,133
You'd serve Mass and then
you'd serve weddings sometimes.
169
00:11:36,216 --> 00:11:38,511
My brother was once an
altar boy at a wedding,
170
00:11:38,594 --> 00:11:40,428
and he was standing there
with another altar boy
171
00:11:40,513 --> 00:11:43,265
in this big, packed church
in Chicago where we grew up.
172
00:11:43,348 --> 00:11:46,644
And the bride was coming down the
aisle, and the organ was playing,
173
00:11:46,727 --> 00:11:48,186
and all the pews were filled,
174
00:11:48,270 --> 00:11:50,188
and the bride got all the way to the altar,
175
00:11:50,272 --> 00:11:52,858
and the groom lifted the
veil off of the bride,
176
00:11:52,941 --> 00:11:55,110
and right at that moment
the other altar boy said,
177
00:11:55,193 --> 00:11:57,821
"Aw, she's ugly."
178
00:11:59,740 --> 00:12:00,741
And then they looked,
179
00:12:00,824 --> 00:12:03,201
and they were right
next to the video camera.
180
00:12:04,411 --> 00:12:05,996
And I know that's awful,
181
00:12:06,079 --> 00:12:10,167
but wouldn't you give a million
dollars to see that wedding video?
182
00:12:10,250 --> 00:12:13,503
It was the best moment of
this stupid woman's life,
183
00:12:13,587 --> 00:12:16,339
and she's walking down the
aisle, and the organ's like...
184
00:12:19,426 --> 00:12:22,763
And she gets all the way to
the altar to her betrothed,
185
00:12:22,846 --> 00:12:26,349
and he unveils her to the
world and to the eyes of God.
186
00:12:26,433 --> 00:12:29,603
And right at that second,
for no reason at all,
187
00:12:29,687 --> 00:12:35,067
some Cheeto-fingered, rat-mustached,
13-year-old prick decides to go,
188
00:12:35,150 --> 00:12:37,235
"Aw, she's ugly!"
189
00:12:39,112 --> 00:12:41,657
Hopefully the videographer
knew some sound editing
190
00:12:41,740 --> 00:12:44,868
so he could fix it to be
like, "Aw, she's beautiful.
191
00:12:46,704 --> 00:12:47,913
She's enchanting."
192
00:12:49,748 --> 00:12:52,084
I grew up Catholic. I
don't go to church anymore.
193
00:12:52,167 --> 00:12:54,211
But I went on Christmas
Eve with my parents,
194
00:12:54,294 --> 00:12:56,463
'cause you know how you
lie to your parents. So...
195
00:12:57,380 --> 00:13:00,926
we go into the church and I was
like, "I got this under control."
196
00:13:01,009 --> 00:13:05,138
And then I got schooled because
they introduced a bunch of new shit.
197
00:13:06,431 --> 00:13:10,227
No, I was going through Mass
and I was batting, like, .400.
198
00:13:10,310 --> 00:13:12,855
And then in the middle
of Mass, the priest said,
199
00:13:12,938 --> 00:13:14,314
"Peace be with you."
200
00:13:14,397 --> 00:13:17,776
And everyone said, "And with your spirit."
201
00:13:17,860 --> 00:13:23,073
And I was the one pre-Y2K
asshole going, "And also with you.
202
00:13:23,156 --> 00:13:27,035
What? Huh? What? Huh?
203
00:13:27,119 --> 00:13:30,038
What? When? When?"
204
00:13:31,331 --> 00:13:34,542
For those of you that aren't
Catholic, I don't mean to exclude you,
205
00:13:34,627 --> 00:13:36,837
even though we love to exclude you, but...
206
00:13:37,838 --> 00:13:40,799
There's a part in church
where the priest says,
207
00:13:40,883 --> 00:13:42,134
"Peace be with you."
208
00:13:42,217 --> 00:13:44,552
And for many, many years, we all said...
209
00:13:44,637 --> 00:13:47,555
- "And also with you."
- Very good.
210
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:53,061
But they changed it to
"And with your spirit."
211
00:13:53,145 --> 00:13:57,107
Because that's what needed
revamping in the Catholic Church.
212
00:13:57,190 --> 00:14:00,402
That was the squeaky wheel
that needed the grease.
213
00:14:01,569 --> 00:14:02,905
In Rome, they were like,
214
00:14:02,988 --> 00:14:05,741
"Let's see. What problems can we solve?
215
00:14:06,700 --> 00:14:09,161
Problem one. No."
216
00:14:12,956 --> 00:14:15,042
I'm actually glad they
changed that, though.
217
00:14:15,125 --> 00:14:17,085
I never liked "And also with you."
218
00:14:17,169 --> 00:14:19,087
I always found that clunky.
219
00:14:19,171 --> 00:14:21,924
"And also with you."
That's not how you talk.
220
00:14:22,007 --> 00:14:24,301
- "Have a nice day."
- "And also you having one."
221
00:14:25,260 --> 00:14:27,721
It's just a little bit wrong, isn't it?
222
00:14:27,805 --> 00:14:29,056
It's just a little off.
223
00:14:29,139 --> 00:14:31,725
Like, when someone's like, "How are
you?" And you're like, "Nothing much."
224
00:14:31,809 --> 00:14:33,644
And it sort of makes sense.
225
00:14:35,020 --> 00:14:37,480
Never begin a sentence with "And also."
226
00:14:37,564 --> 00:14:40,317
You just immediately
sound caught off-guard.
227
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:42,986
It sounds like if at the first church ever,
228
00:14:43,070 --> 00:14:44,738
like, they weren't expecting it.
229
00:14:44,822 --> 00:14:45,906
Like, the priest was like,
230
00:14:45,989 --> 00:14:48,033
"Hey, this is the first
time we've ever had church.
231
00:14:48,116 --> 00:14:50,202
I just wanna say, 'Peace be with you.'"
232
00:14:50,285 --> 00:14:51,453
And they were like...
233
00:14:51,536 --> 00:14:55,666
"What? Oh. Uh, yeah. And
also you should have some."
234
00:14:56,875 --> 00:14:59,712
"Hey, that's good. Let's
keep that for 2,000 years.
235
00:14:59,795 --> 00:15:02,214
And then change it to trick John."
236
00:15:06,134 --> 00:15:08,846
My wife and I don't have
any children, we have a dog.
237
00:15:08,929 --> 00:15:11,473
We have a little puppy named Petunia.
238
00:15:13,350 --> 00:15:16,269
She's a tiny little French bulldog puppy.
239
00:15:16,353 --> 00:15:18,105
I like having a puppy that's a bulldog,
240
00:15:18,188 --> 00:15:21,524
'cause it's like having a
baby that is also a grandma.
241
00:15:21,608 --> 00:15:25,195
Her body is young, her
face is as old as time.
242
00:15:25,278 --> 00:15:28,615
She definitely saw the
Nazis march into Paris.
243
00:15:28,699 --> 00:15:30,075
She always gives me this look of like,
244
00:15:30,158 --> 00:15:34,204
"Oh, the things I have
seen, you cocksucker.
245
00:15:34,287 --> 00:15:36,081
You have no idea.
246
00:15:36,164 --> 00:15:39,084
The Gestapo threw my
printing press into a river.
247
00:15:39,167 --> 00:15:41,544
But, go, tell your fucking jokes.
248
00:15:43,213 --> 00:15:44,840
Bring me my dish."
249
00:15:47,217 --> 00:15:49,427
She said that. Petunia...
250
00:15:50,470 --> 00:15:53,766
Petunia is my best friend in the world.
I give her a million kisses a day.
251
00:15:53,849 --> 00:15:54,892
She does not like me,
252
00:15:54,975 --> 00:15:56,852
and barks at me and bites me all day long.
253
00:15:58,353 --> 00:16:00,480
We had to get a dog
trainer into the apartment
254
00:16:00,563 --> 00:16:02,190
because Petunia is a bad dog.
255
00:16:02,274 --> 00:16:05,402
We tell her that every day. We go,
"Hey, you're bad at being a dog."
256
00:16:05,485 --> 00:16:06,904
So, the trainer came into the apartment.
257
00:16:06,987 --> 00:16:08,655
Sorry, didn't even walk into the apartment,
258
00:16:08,739 --> 00:16:10,282
walked into the threshold and went,
259
00:16:10,365 --> 00:16:11,533
"Oh, okay."
260
00:16:12,492 --> 00:16:15,120
Like she was an exorcist or something.
261
00:16:15,203 --> 00:16:17,247
She said, "I see what the problem is."
262
00:16:17,330 --> 00:16:21,084
She said, "Petunia has become
the alpha of the house."
263
00:16:21,168 --> 00:16:22,419
And then she pointed at me, she said,
264
00:16:22,502 --> 00:16:25,964
"You are no longer the alpha of the house."
265
00:16:26,048 --> 00:16:29,802
And in the back of my head, I was like,
"I was never the alpha of the house."
266
00:16:29,885 --> 00:16:32,679
I turned to my wife, I was like,
"Let's pretend. It'll be fun.
267
00:16:32,763 --> 00:16:38,643
Yes... My title of alpha, which
I once had, how can I reclaim it?
268
00:16:38,726 --> 00:16:41,396
Because that was a thing
that existed at one time."
269
00:16:42,522 --> 00:16:45,776
She said, "You need to show
dominance over your puppy."
270
00:16:45,859 --> 00:16:47,610
These are things people say to me.
271
00:16:50,238 --> 00:16:51,531
I said, "How do I do that?"
272
00:16:51,614 --> 00:16:55,702
She said, "Well, let me ask you this.
Who eats dinner first, you or Petunia?"
273
00:16:55,786 --> 00:16:58,705
I was like, "Petunia eats dinner
first. She eats dinner at 5:00 p.m.,
274
00:16:58,789 --> 00:17:00,874
'cause she's a foot
long and two years old."
275
00:17:01,875 --> 00:17:04,627
She said, "No, you need
to eat dinner first.
276
00:17:04,711 --> 00:17:08,756
Because the king eats
before anyone else eats."
277
00:17:08,841 --> 00:17:12,677
Oh, yes, and what a mighty king I will be,
278
00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:16,473
eating dinner at 4:45 in the afternoon.
279
00:17:18,809 --> 00:17:22,687
"Look upon your sovereign,
Petunia, and tremble.
280
00:17:22,770 --> 00:17:26,774
My lands stretch across
this entire one bedroom,
281
00:17:26,859 --> 00:17:29,444
and I eat dinner whenever I choose,
282
00:17:29,527 --> 00:17:32,530
as long as it works for
the schedule of a dog."
283
00:17:34,532 --> 00:17:38,286
She said, "Now, you don't actually
have to eat dinner before Petunia.
284
00:17:38,370 --> 00:17:42,124
You just have to convince Petunia
that you've already eaten."
285
00:17:45,878 --> 00:17:51,091
So... for the past month, I shit you not...
286
00:17:51,174 --> 00:17:54,344
before my wife and I give Petunia her dish,
287
00:17:54,427 --> 00:17:57,639
we take down empty bowls and spoons,
288
00:17:57,722 --> 00:18:03,979
and in front of her, we go,
"Mmm, dinner. Mmm, good dinner."
289
00:18:04,062 --> 00:18:08,566
Like we're space aliens in
a play about human beings
290
00:18:08,650 --> 00:18:11,361
that they wrote, but they
didn't work that hard on.
291
00:18:11,444 --> 00:18:13,196
"Mmm, we're eating dinner."
292
00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:17,825
Meanwhile, Petunia's just staring at
us with her Paul Giamatti face, like...
293
00:18:22,414 --> 00:18:25,750
"You're not eating dinner, cocksucker.
294
00:18:25,833 --> 00:18:27,752
Dish, now."
295
00:18:28,753 --> 00:18:31,298
I have a wife and a dog,
and we just bought a house.
296
00:18:31,381 --> 00:18:32,507
We have a new house.
297
00:18:32,590 --> 00:18:36,261
It was built in the '20s,
but it was flipped in 2014.
298
00:18:36,344 --> 00:18:39,597
Which means it's haunted, but it
has a lovely kitchen backsplash.
299
00:18:41,016 --> 00:18:43,268
Actually, we didn't buy a
house. A bank bought a house,
300
00:18:43,351 --> 00:18:45,187
and I'm allowed to keep
my shirts and pants there
301
00:18:45,270 --> 00:18:47,272
while I pay it off for 30 years.
302
00:18:47,355 --> 00:18:48,899
The woman from the bank came over
303
00:18:48,982 --> 00:18:52,610
and she showed me my mortgage broken
down month by month for 30 years.
304
00:18:52,694 --> 00:18:56,614
And she said, "So, for instance, this
is what you'll pay in July of 2029."
305
00:18:56,698 --> 00:18:58,450
And I burst out laughing. I was like,
306
00:18:58,533 --> 00:19:01,828
"2029? That's not a real year.
307
00:19:02,913 --> 00:19:07,417
By 2029, I'll be drinking moon juice
with President Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
308
00:19:07,500 --> 00:19:10,420
I'm not gonna be writing
you a paper check."
309
00:19:12,797 --> 00:19:15,883
I like having a house, but
I loved looking for a house,
310
00:19:15,968 --> 00:19:17,594
'cause I love real estate agents.
311
00:19:17,677 --> 00:19:20,013
I mean, they are the true heroes.
312
00:19:20,097 --> 00:19:22,807
They really are. Have
you ever watched HGTV?
313
00:19:22,890 --> 00:19:25,768
Real estate agents have to deal with
314
00:19:25,852 --> 00:19:28,021
the dumbest people in the world
315
00:19:28,105 --> 00:19:31,483
making the biggest
decisions of their lives.
316
00:19:31,566 --> 00:19:33,860
Every episode of HGTV is like,
317
00:19:33,944 --> 00:19:37,114
"Craig and Stacia are looking
for a two-story A-frame
318
00:19:37,197 --> 00:19:39,866
that's near Craig's job in the downtown,
319
00:19:39,950 --> 00:19:42,869
but also satisfies Stacia's
need to be near the beach
320
00:19:42,953 --> 00:19:45,038
which is nowhere near Craig's job.
321
00:19:45,872 --> 00:19:48,458
With three children and nine on the way,
322
00:19:48,541 --> 00:19:51,586
and a max budget of $7...
323
00:19:52,837 --> 00:19:55,048
let's see what Lori Jo can do
324
00:19:55,132 --> 00:19:58,801
on this week's episode of You
Don't Deserve A Beach House."
325
00:20:00,345 --> 00:20:04,016
I loved our real estate agent. It
was so fun to hang out with her.
326
00:20:04,099 --> 00:20:06,143
It was like hanging out with my mom.
327
00:20:06,226 --> 00:20:08,895
'Cause, you know, real estate
agents always look like your mom.
328
00:20:09,729 --> 00:20:12,107
And they have various
Chico's accoutrements.
329
00:20:13,025 --> 00:20:15,527
They always have kind of fun mom energy.
330
00:20:16,987 --> 00:20:19,614
And they're always, "So
excited to see you two."
331
00:20:20,865 --> 00:20:23,451
We would have little conferences
before we walked into a house.
332
00:20:23,535 --> 00:20:26,371
She'd go, "Let's talk.
Let's talk before we go in."
333
00:20:26,454 --> 00:20:28,290
We're, like, two feet from the door.
334
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:32,627
"So, there's no toilets.
335
00:20:35,047 --> 00:20:38,466
And I know that was on your list.
336
00:20:41,886 --> 00:20:44,889
But I think I can get
him to budge. Let's go."
337
00:20:46,183 --> 00:20:47,684
So, we'd have a real estate agent,
338
00:20:47,767 --> 00:20:49,686
and then, like, the house
would have a real estate agent
339
00:20:49,769 --> 00:20:51,771
who's just some guy sitting in a big chair.
340
00:20:51,854 --> 00:20:53,398
And these two always hated each other.
341
00:20:53,481 --> 00:20:55,650
They'd be like, "Hi, Tony." "Hi, Kim."
342
00:20:55,733 --> 00:20:58,528
It's like, "Jesus Christ! What,
were you two in the Eagles together?
343
00:20:58,611 --> 00:21:00,238
What is the animosity about?"
344
00:21:02,615 --> 00:21:04,867
Our real estate agent
wanted us to have a baby
345
00:21:04,951 --> 00:21:08,288
more than anyone else in our lives,
more than anyone in our family.
346
00:21:08,371 --> 00:21:10,332
She hinted about it constantly.
347
00:21:10,415 --> 00:21:12,500
Every room she walked into, she'd be like,
348
00:21:12,584 --> 00:21:14,502
"So, this could be an office."
349
00:21:19,049 --> 00:21:20,467
"Or maybe a nursery."
350
00:21:21,634 --> 00:21:24,637
"Yeah. No, like we said, we don't
know if we're gonna have... "
351
00:21:24,721 --> 00:21:26,181
"No, no. I know, I know, you know.
352
00:21:26,264 --> 00:21:28,308
You don't know if you're
gonna have 'em, but you know.
353
00:21:28,391 --> 00:21:29,517
You know, you never know.
354
00:21:29,601 --> 00:21:32,229
Sometimes you don't know
what's gonna happen, and then...
355
00:21:32,312 --> 00:21:33,855
you know, something happens."
356
00:21:34,731 --> 00:21:36,941
"Well, yeah, that's how all of life works."
357
00:21:37,024 --> 00:21:38,943
"Okay, all right. Okay.
358
00:21:39,819 --> 00:21:41,321
Uh-huh. Mmm.
359
00:21:42,364 --> 00:21:44,949
This is an on-fire garbage can.
360
00:21:49,662 --> 00:21:51,289
Could be a nursery."
361
00:21:55,877 --> 00:21:57,212
She showed me a backyard once.
362
00:21:57,295 --> 00:21:59,172
She goes, "I don't even
like this backyard for you."
363
00:21:59,256 --> 00:22:00,548
I was like, "Oh, do tell."
364
00:22:00,632 --> 00:22:01,841
She said, "It's all pavement.
365
00:22:01,924 --> 00:22:03,718
I think you should have
some grass out there.
366
00:22:03,801 --> 00:22:08,181
You know, in case you have
a couple... little guys...
367
00:22:08,265 --> 00:22:09,891
running around in the grass."
368
00:22:10,850 --> 00:22:13,770
And I got offended on
behalf of my imaginary kids.
369
00:22:13,853 --> 00:22:14,937
I was like, "Hey, lady.
370
00:22:15,021 --> 00:22:18,150
I went outside about as much
as Powder from the movie Powder.
371
00:22:18,233 --> 00:22:20,735
My children are not gonna
be playing out on grass.
372
00:22:20,818 --> 00:22:23,738
They will be up in their rooms
playing violent video games
373
00:22:23,821 --> 00:22:26,533
and catfishing pedophiles.
These are my children.
374
00:22:26,616 --> 00:22:28,368
And that's my wife!"
375
00:22:32,455 --> 00:22:34,374
I didn't mean to make it sound
like we don't want children.
376
00:22:34,457 --> 00:22:37,210
We don't, but I didn't mean
to make it sound like that.
377
00:22:37,294 --> 00:22:40,129
See, I just don't think
babies like me very much.
378
00:22:40,213 --> 00:22:43,216
Sometimes babies will point at me,
379
00:22:43,300 --> 00:22:45,343
and I don't care for that shit at all.
380
00:22:46,636 --> 00:22:48,137
Like, I'll be on an elevator,
381
00:22:48,221 --> 00:22:51,433
and a baby will be there in its
big, like, stroller activity tray,
382
00:22:51,516 --> 00:22:56,646
just, like, working on one Cheerio
with Bobby Fischer-like intensity.
383
00:23:03,195 --> 00:23:04,904
And it'll look up at me and go...
384
00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:08,241
I like to lean in and go,
385
00:23:08,325 --> 00:23:11,244
"Stop snitchin', motherfucker."
And then walk off.
386
00:23:11,328 --> 00:23:14,997
'Cause you're never too young to
learn our national no-snitching policy.
387
00:23:16,999 --> 00:23:20,503
My friends have babies and
I don't do so well with them.
388
00:23:20,587 --> 00:23:22,630
I had a run-in with a two-year-old girl.
389
00:23:23,881 --> 00:23:26,133
I know there are better ways
to start that story, but...
390
00:23:27,677 --> 00:23:30,597
My friend, Jeremy, has this
two-year-old girl, and I really like her.
391
00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:33,015
She's a sweet kid. I really
like his daughter a lot.
392
00:23:33,099 --> 00:23:35,810
But I was over at his family's
house for the Fourth of July,
393
00:23:35,893 --> 00:23:37,186
and he had his daughter on his knee.
394
00:23:37,270 --> 00:23:39,606
And it was a very lovely day. His
whole extended family was there.
395
00:23:39,689 --> 00:23:41,774
And he was bouncing his
two-year-old up and down,
396
00:23:41,858 --> 00:23:44,110
and he pointed at me and
he said to his two-year-old,
397
00:23:44,193 --> 00:23:46,571
"Do you know who that is?
That's your Uncle John."
398
00:23:46,654 --> 00:23:50,032
And I was like, "Oh, my God. That's
so sweet. I'm her Uncle John."
399
00:23:50,116 --> 00:23:52,034
And then the baby pointed at me and said,
400
00:23:52,118 --> 00:23:54,537
"Uncle John has a penis."
401
00:23:56,373 --> 00:24:01,127
I thank you for laughing,
because no one did that day!
402
00:24:03,296 --> 00:24:07,342
Fell deadly silent, is what they all did.
403
00:24:09,302 --> 00:24:10,928
Hey, do you know what
you're supposed to say
404
00:24:11,012 --> 00:24:15,892
when a baby points at you and
knowingly says, "He has a penis"?
405
00:24:15,975 --> 00:24:19,604
No, I'm asking, 'cause I don't
know what to say in that situation.
406
00:24:19,687 --> 00:24:24,233
Here's what I went with that
day. I said, "Oh, come on!"
407
00:24:26,193 --> 00:24:28,195
I don't know. I thought that'd be good.
408
00:24:29,656 --> 00:24:30,907
But then it just made it worse,
409
00:24:30,990 --> 00:24:34,702
'cause it sounded like the baby and I
had an arrangement not to talk about it,
410
00:24:34,786 --> 00:24:36,704
and she had violated my trust.
411
00:24:36,788 --> 00:24:38,790
Like, the baby had been
like, "Do you have a penis?"
412
00:24:38,873 --> 00:24:41,584
And I was like, "Yes, I do, but
you're a baby, so discretion is key."
413
00:24:41,668 --> 00:24:44,045
And then the next day she goes,
"He has a penis," and I go,
414
00:24:44,128 --> 00:24:47,632
"Oh, come on! Someone can't keep a secret!"
415
00:24:48,716 --> 00:24:52,304
Luckily, Jeremy's wife saved the
day. The baby's mom saved the day.
416
00:24:52,387 --> 00:24:54,389
She came in and she picked
up the baby, and she was like,
417
00:24:54,472 --> 00:24:55,557
"It's okay.
418
00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:59,352
She's just going through that phase
where she says penis and vagina a lot."
419
00:25:00,186 --> 00:25:01,479
Aren't we all?
420
00:25:02,647 --> 00:25:03,898
And, by the way, it would've been
421
00:25:03,981 --> 00:25:06,859
a totally different situation
if the baby had said vagina.
422
00:25:06,943 --> 00:25:08,945
Like, if a grown woman
had walked in the room,
423
00:25:09,028 --> 00:25:11,155
and the baby had been
like, "She has a vagina,"
424
00:25:11,238 --> 00:25:14,075
the woman could be like, "Yes,
I do, and it's magnificent."
425
00:25:14,158 --> 00:25:18,996
And we would all be like,
"Hooray! You are brave!"
426
00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:23,084
No one wants to applaud the
penis of a 32-year-old weirdo.
427
00:25:27,505 --> 00:25:29,131
It's fun to be married.
428
00:25:29,215 --> 00:25:31,217
I've never been supervised before.
429
00:25:32,677 --> 00:25:35,179
I'm supervised. She studies what I do.
430
00:25:35,262 --> 00:25:37,223
Like an anthropologist.
431
00:25:37,306 --> 00:25:40,852
She'll be like, "Sometimes,
he will watch a movie on TV
432
00:25:40,935 --> 00:25:43,813
even though he already
owns that movie on DVD.
433
00:25:46,441 --> 00:25:49,694
Pointing this out to him
confuses and upsets him."
434
00:25:53,531 --> 00:25:56,242
I had no supervision when I was a kid.
435
00:25:56,325 --> 00:25:57,577
We were free to do what we wanted.
436
00:25:57,660 --> 00:26:00,413
But also, with that,
no one cared about kids.
437
00:26:00,497 --> 00:26:03,124
I grew up before children were special.
438
00:26:03,207 --> 00:26:06,210
I did. Very early '80s, right
before children became special.
439
00:26:06,293 --> 00:26:09,464
Like, I remember when milk
carton kids became a thing.
440
00:26:09,547 --> 00:26:12,884
When they were like, "Hey, we should
start looking for some of these guys.
441
00:26:12,967 --> 00:26:15,219
I don't think they're
just blowing off steam."
442
00:26:17,096 --> 00:26:19,474
No one cared about my opinion
when I was a little kid.
443
00:26:19,557 --> 00:26:21,726
No one cared what I thought.
444
00:26:21,809 --> 00:26:25,021
Sometimes, people would say,
"What do you think you're doing?"
445
00:26:28,149 --> 00:26:30,234
But that just meant "Stop."
446
00:26:31,193 --> 00:26:33,696
They didn't actually wanna
know my thought process.
447
00:26:33,780 --> 00:26:34,947
They didn't want me to be like,
448
00:26:35,031 --> 00:26:39,786
"Well, I was gonna put this bottle
rocket into this carton of eggs,
449
00:26:39,869 --> 00:26:43,915
so that when I lit off the bottle rocket,
the eggs would explode everywhere."
450
00:26:44,666 --> 00:26:47,794
"Oh, well, that's very interesting. And
what brought you to this experiment?"
451
00:26:47,877 --> 00:26:49,629
"Oh, well, thank you for asking. Well...
452
00:26:50,755 --> 00:26:52,965
you know how I'm filled with rage?
453
00:26:54,634 --> 00:26:57,637
I'm so horny and angry all the time...
454
00:26:57,720 --> 00:26:59,597
and I have no outlet for it.
455
00:26:59,681 --> 00:27:01,307
So...
456
00:27:01,390 --> 00:27:03,225
eggs."
457
00:27:06,353 --> 00:27:09,106
Your opinion doesn't matter
in elementary school either.
458
00:27:09,190 --> 00:27:11,526
It matters in college.
College is just your opinion.
459
00:27:11,609 --> 00:27:12,985
Just you raising your hand and being like,
460
00:27:13,069 --> 00:27:14,779
"I think Emily Dickinson's a lesbian."
461
00:27:14,862 --> 00:27:17,239
And they're like, "Partial
credit." And that's a whole thing.
462
00:27:20,159 --> 00:27:22,579
But in elementary school, it
doesn't matter what you think,
463
00:27:22,662 --> 00:27:25,790
it just matters what you know. You
have to have answers to questions.
464
00:27:25,873 --> 00:27:27,124
And if you say, "I don't know,"
465
00:27:27,208 --> 00:27:28,585
you get an X on your test,
466
00:27:28,668 --> 00:27:32,254
and you get it wrong and that's not fair,
'cause your brain has never been smaller.
467
00:27:32,338 --> 00:27:34,256
Also, that's not how life works.
468
00:27:34,340 --> 00:27:36,968
I'm in my 30s now. If you came
to me now and you were like,
469
00:27:37,051 --> 00:27:41,388
"Hey, John, name three things that
the Stamp Act of 1775 accomplished."
470
00:27:41,473 --> 00:27:44,183
I'd go, "I don't know. Get
out of my apartment," you know?
471
00:27:45,184 --> 00:27:47,854
But when you're a little kid,
you can't say, "I don't know."
472
00:27:47,937 --> 00:27:49,021
You should be able to.
473
00:27:49,105 --> 00:27:51,608
That should be an
acceptable answer on a test.
474
00:27:51,691 --> 00:27:54,026
You should be able to
write in, "I don't know.
475
00:27:55,402 --> 00:27:56,821
I know you told me.
476
00:27:58,531 --> 00:28:00,575
But I have had a very long day.
477
00:28:02,494 --> 00:28:04,161
I am very small.
478
00:28:05,622 --> 00:28:07,373
And I have no money.
479
00:28:10,752 --> 00:28:14,005
So you can imagine the kind
of stress that I am under."
480
00:28:16,799 --> 00:28:19,636
Or if it's one of those
true or false questions,
481
00:28:19,719 --> 00:28:21,470
you should be able to add
a third option which is,
482
00:28:21,554 --> 00:28:23,180
"Who's to say?"
483
00:28:26,392 --> 00:28:29,771
Kids are much more supervised now,
but also, they have a lot of rights.
484
00:28:29,854 --> 00:28:32,273
Like, that's the biggest
civil rights increase
485
00:28:32,356 --> 00:28:33,858
I've seen in my lifetime.
486
00:28:33,941 --> 00:28:35,860
The rights of children
have gone through the roof.
487
00:28:35,943 --> 00:28:38,154
I had no rights when I was a little kid.
488
00:28:38,237 --> 00:28:41,365
I remember, one time, I walked
into a supermarket by myself,
489
00:28:41,448 --> 00:28:42,950
and I walked in through the double doors,
490
00:28:43,034 --> 00:28:45,620
and the woman behind the register
just looked at me and she went,
491
00:28:45,703 --> 00:28:47,454
"No!"
492
00:28:48,330 --> 00:28:51,042
And I went, "All right."
And I turned around and left.
493
00:28:51,125 --> 00:28:52,752
That's how broken I was.
494
00:28:53,920 --> 00:28:56,673
And there weren't special things
for kids the way there are now.
495
00:28:56,756 --> 00:28:59,175
Like, we would just go
see movies. Any movie.
496
00:28:59,258 --> 00:29:00,259
Like Back to the Future.
497
00:29:00,342 --> 00:29:03,721
That was a movie everyone could
see. Kids could kinda see it.
498
00:29:03,805 --> 00:29:05,056
Great movie, right?
499
00:29:05,139 --> 00:29:07,684
I rewatched it recently.
500
00:29:07,767 --> 00:29:09,519
It's a very weird movie.
501
00:29:10,562 --> 00:29:14,398
Marty McFly is a 17-year-old
high school student
502
00:29:14,481 --> 00:29:18,319
whose best friend is a
disgraced nuclear physicist.
503
00:29:19,445 --> 00:29:21,447
And, I shit you not,
504
00:29:21,531 --> 00:29:25,201
they never explain how they became friends.
505
00:29:25,284 --> 00:29:26,368
They never explain it.
506
00:29:26,452 --> 00:29:28,120
Not even in a lazy way, like,
507
00:29:28,204 --> 00:29:29,747
"Hey, remember when we met
in the science building?"
508
00:29:29,831 --> 00:29:31,624
They don't even do that.
509
00:29:31,708 --> 00:29:33,668
And we were all fine with it.
510
00:29:33,751 --> 00:29:35,670
We were just like, "What,
who's his best friend?
511
00:29:35,753 --> 00:29:38,756
A disgraced nuclear
physicist? All right, proceed."
512
00:29:40,216 --> 00:29:43,678
What a strange movie to
sell to be a family movie.
513
00:29:43,761 --> 00:29:45,304
Two guys had to go in and do that.
514
00:29:45,387 --> 00:29:49,433
They had to be like,
"Okay... we got an idea...
515
00:29:49,516 --> 00:29:52,436
for the next big family-action-comedy.
516
00:29:52,519 --> 00:29:57,191
All right, it's about a guy
named Marty, and he's very lazy.
517
00:29:57,274 --> 00:29:59,569
He's always sleeping late."
518
00:29:59,652 --> 00:30:02,864
"Okay. Is he cool like Ferris Bueller?"
519
00:30:02,947 --> 00:30:04,156
"No.
520
00:30:05,532 --> 00:30:09,036
But he does have this best friend
521
00:30:09,120 --> 00:30:14,584
who's, you know, a
disgraced... nuclear physicist."
522
00:30:17,587 --> 00:30:21,090
"I'm confused here. This best
friend, this is another student?"
523
00:30:21,173 --> 00:30:22,634
"No, no, no.
524
00:30:22,717 --> 00:30:26,638
No, this guy's either, like, 40 or 80.
525
00:30:26,721 --> 00:30:30,391
Even we don't know how old
this guy's supposed to be.
526
00:30:30,474 --> 00:30:33,144
But one day, the boy and the scientist,
527
00:30:33,227 --> 00:30:36,480
they go back in time and
they build a time machine.
528
00:30:36,563 --> 00:30:38,608
Whoa!"
529
00:30:38,691 --> 00:30:40,567
"Okay. I think I see
where you're going here.
530
00:30:40,652 --> 00:30:43,029
They build a time machine,
and they go back in time,
531
00:30:43,112 --> 00:30:45,740
and they stop the Kennedy assassination."
532
00:30:45,823 --> 00:30:47,033
"Ah!
533
00:30:48,450 --> 00:30:50,995
Oh, wow, that's a really good idea,
534
00:30:51,078 --> 00:30:53,289
I mean, we didn't even think of that."
535
00:30:53,372 --> 00:30:55,499
"All right, well, what do
they do with the time machine?"
536
00:30:55,582 --> 00:30:58,002
"Well, now I'm embarrassed to say.
537
00:30:59,712 --> 00:31:01,631
Ah, well, all right, all right, all right.
538
00:31:01,714 --> 00:31:05,092
We thought... We thought
it would be funny, you know,
539
00:31:05,176 --> 00:31:08,387
if the boy, if he went
back in time and, you know,
540
00:31:08,470 --> 00:31:10,306
he tried to fuck his mom."
541
00:31:12,975 --> 00:31:16,646
"I don't know. We thought
that'd be fun for people.
542
00:31:16,729 --> 00:31:17,855
But, no, good point.
543
00:31:17,939 --> 00:31:19,774
No, he doesn't get to, he doesn't get to.
544
00:31:19,857 --> 00:31:22,109
'Cause this family friend named Biff,
545
00:31:22,193 --> 00:31:25,571
he comes in and he tries to
rape the mom in front of the son.
546
00:31:25,655 --> 00:31:29,241
The dad's gotta beat the rapist off of her.
547
00:31:29,325 --> 00:31:32,578
And also, we're gonna imply that a
white man wrote 'Johnny B. Goode.'
548
00:31:32,662 --> 00:31:34,330
So, we're gonna take that away from 'em."
549
00:31:40,169 --> 00:31:43,881
"Well, this is the best movie
idea I have ever heard in my life.
550
00:31:43,965 --> 00:31:46,383
We're gonna make three of them.
551
00:31:46,467 --> 00:31:50,680
Now, you say they go to the past. How
about we call it Back to the Past?"
552
00:31:50,763 --> 00:31:52,389
"No, no, no.
553
00:31:52,473 --> 00:31:54,516
Back to the Future."
554
00:31:55,226 --> 00:31:57,061
"Right, but they go to the past."
555
00:31:59,021 --> 00:32:00,022
"Yeah."
556
00:32:05,027 --> 00:32:07,238
Kids have it very good now.
557
00:32:07,321 --> 00:32:09,323
My friend's a teacher.
She told me that, uh...
558
00:32:09,406 --> 00:32:13,244
the parents will take the
kids' side over the teacher now.
559
00:32:13,327 --> 00:32:15,412
That's insane. That never happened.
560
00:32:15,496 --> 00:32:17,999
My parents trusted every grown-up...
561
00:32:18,082 --> 00:32:20,251
more than they trusted me.
562
00:32:20,334 --> 00:32:22,544
I don't mean coaches and teachers.
563
00:32:22,628 --> 00:32:26,007
Any human adult's word...
was better than mine.
564
00:32:26,090 --> 00:32:28,134
Any hobo or drifter
565
00:32:28,217 --> 00:32:31,595
could have taken me by the ear
up to my front door and been like,
566
00:32:31,678 --> 00:32:35,182
"Excuse me! Your kid bit my dick."
567
00:32:35,266 --> 00:32:36,558
And my mom would be like,
568
00:32:36,642 --> 00:32:39,061
"John Edmund Mulaney,
569
00:32:39,145 --> 00:32:41,147
did you bite this nice man's dick?"
570
00:32:41,230 --> 00:32:45,442
And I would be the only one who's like,
"Hey, doesn't anyone wanna know why...
571
00:32:46,986 --> 00:32:51,032
his dick was near my
biters... in the first place?
572
00:32:51,115 --> 00:32:53,659
Isn't anyone curious...
573
00:32:53,743 --> 00:32:55,870
as to how I had access?"
574
00:33:01,250 --> 00:33:05,504
Don't get me wrong, my parents
love us. They just didn't like us.
575
00:33:05,587 --> 00:33:07,214
We weren't friends.
576
00:33:07,298 --> 00:33:09,675
People are now like, "My
mom's my best friend."
577
00:33:09,759 --> 00:33:11,803
I was like, "Oh, is she a super bad mom?"
578
00:33:14,346 --> 00:33:17,724
My parents didn't trust us, and
they shouldn't have trusted us.
579
00:33:17,809 --> 00:33:20,436
We were little goblins. We were terrible.
580
00:33:20,519 --> 00:33:24,106
I remember, one time, we were
going to this resort for a vacation
581
00:33:24,190 --> 00:33:25,566
when we were little kids.
582
00:33:25,649 --> 00:33:29,361
Three weeks before we went to the
resort, my dad sat us down and he said,
583
00:33:29,445 --> 00:33:32,865
"All right, we're going to a resort,
584
00:33:32,949 --> 00:33:38,788
and I've just been informed that the man
who owns the resort only has one arm."
585
00:33:38,871 --> 00:33:42,834
And we were like, "Oh, yes!
586
00:33:42,917 --> 00:33:44,501
Yay! Yes!"
587
00:33:44,585 --> 00:33:47,797
"Now, I'm telling you
three weeks in advance,
588
00:33:47,880 --> 00:33:53,344
so that you will not freak out when
you see that he only has one arm."
589
00:33:53,427 --> 00:33:56,889
"Oh, we're gonna freak out so bad!"
590
00:33:56,973 --> 00:33:58,682
"Yes, John, you have a question?"
591
00:33:58,765 --> 00:34:00,142
"How did he lose his arm?"
592
00:34:00,226 --> 00:34:02,603
"That's exactly what you won't ask."
593
00:34:03,687 --> 00:34:05,397
And then I did ask.
594
00:34:05,481 --> 00:34:07,108
I went into the kitchen
one day, and I was like,
595
00:34:07,191 --> 00:34:08,609
"So, how'd you lose your arm?"
596
00:34:08,692 --> 00:34:11,028
And he was like, "Well, I
was born with only one arm."
597
00:34:11,112 --> 00:34:12,571
And I was like, "Nah."
598
00:34:19,120 --> 00:34:20,621
No, my parents loved us.
599
00:34:20,704 --> 00:34:23,332
It's just, like, they
were the cops, you know?
600
00:34:23,415 --> 00:34:24,876
And we were criminals.
601
00:34:24,959 --> 00:34:26,836
So, we didn't get along.
602
00:34:26,919 --> 00:34:28,712
We only got along in that way that, like,
603
00:34:28,795 --> 00:34:31,298
cops will sometimes be
chummy with criminals.
604
00:34:31,382 --> 00:34:34,969
Like, when my dad and I would talk, it
was like that scene in the movie Heat,
605
00:34:35,052 --> 00:34:38,097
when Robert De Niro and Al
Pacino sit down in that diner.
606
00:34:38,180 --> 00:34:40,141
We kind of had that rapport of, like,
607
00:34:40,224 --> 00:34:42,935
"Hmm, we're not so different, you and I.
608
00:34:43,019 --> 00:34:47,189
You have your law practice, and me,
I have all these fucking markers."
609
00:34:49,358 --> 00:34:53,863
"I guess we both have responsibilities
when you look at it that way."
610
00:34:53,946 --> 00:34:56,532
My dad would respect it if I could
get away with breaking a rule.
611
00:34:56,615 --> 00:34:57,699
We had a rule in our house,
612
00:34:57,783 --> 00:34:59,535
you were not allowed to
watch TV on a school night.
613
00:34:59,618 --> 00:35:02,496
So, every school night, I
would 100% be watching TV.
614
00:35:02,579 --> 00:35:05,207
And I would hear my dad coming, I
would immediately turn the TV off
615
00:35:05,291 --> 00:35:06,959
and grab any book, magazine,
periodical, anything.
616
00:35:07,043 --> 00:35:09,253
And I'd open it and pretend
to be doing homework.
617
00:35:09,336 --> 00:35:11,047
My dad would walk in
the room and he would go,
618
00:35:11,130 --> 00:35:13,090
"What are you doing? Are you watching TV?"
619
00:35:13,174 --> 00:35:16,302
And I'd go, "No, man. I'm not watching TV."
620
00:35:16,385 --> 00:35:18,595
And the TV wouldn't even be dark yet.
621
00:35:18,679 --> 00:35:22,516
It would still have, like,
a neon green halo around it.
622
00:35:22,599 --> 00:35:25,602
It'd be sizzling like a glass of Pepsi.
623
00:35:25,686 --> 00:35:27,813
And I would look my dad in the eyes and go,
624
00:35:27,897 --> 00:35:30,524
"No, I'm just reading this Yellow Pages."
625
00:35:33,110 --> 00:35:34,153
My dad loved us.
626
00:35:34,236 --> 00:35:38,282
He just didn't care about our
general happiness or self-esteem.
627
00:35:38,365 --> 00:35:40,284
I remember, one time, we
were really little kids.
628
00:35:40,367 --> 00:35:42,036
I have two sisters and a brother,
629
00:35:42,119 --> 00:35:44,580
and all four of us were
in our family car ride
630
00:35:44,663 --> 00:35:46,707
for three hours going to Wisconsin.
631
00:35:46,790 --> 00:35:48,875
My dad was driving, going down the highway
632
00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:52,713
in our white van with wood around the side.
633
00:35:52,796 --> 00:35:55,841
'Cause you remember when you
wanted your car to be made of wood?
634
00:35:56,883 --> 00:35:58,802
You remember that era?
635
00:35:58,885 --> 00:36:02,264
Where we were like, "How much
wood can we get on this car...
636
00:36:02,348 --> 00:36:04,558
without it catching on fire?"
637
00:36:05,309 --> 00:36:08,645
But then the big announcement.
"We here at Plymouth-Chrysler
638
00:36:08,729 --> 00:36:13,567
can put a saucy stripe of wood
safely on the outside of your car,
639
00:36:13,650 --> 00:36:16,112
for all those times you've looked
at your minivan and thought,
640
00:36:16,195 --> 00:36:18,614
'Huh! It needs a belt.'"
641
00:36:21,367 --> 00:36:24,661
So, we're going on the highway. We've
been on the road for three hours.
642
00:36:24,745 --> 00:36:27,039
And in the distance, we see a McDonald's.
643
00:36:27,123 --> 00:36:29,000
We see the golden arches.
644
00:36:29,083 --> 00:36:31,168
And we got so excited.
645
00:36:31,252 --> 00:36:36,673
We started chanting, "McDonald's!
McDonald's! McDonald's! McDonald's!"
646
00:36:36,757 --> 00:36:41,303
And my dad pulled into the
drive-thru, and we started cheering.
647
00:36:41,387 --> 00:36:46,475
And then, he ordered one
black coffee for himself.
648
00:36:50,354 --> 00:36:51,981
And kept driving.
649
00:36:55,901 --> 00:36:59,321
And, you know, as mad as that made
me as a little kid, in retrospect,
650
00:36:59,405 --> 00:37:04,535
that is the funniest thing I
have ever seen in my entire life.
651
00:37:04,618 --> 00:37:06,745
How perfect is that?
652
00:37:06,828 --> 00:37:11,917
He had a vanload of little
kids, and he got black coffee.
653
00:37:12,001 --> 00:37:15,212
The one thing from McDonald's
no child could enjoy.
654
00:37:17,464 --> 00:37:20,717
My dad is cold-blooded.
655
00:37:20,801 --> 00:37:23,970
He once shushed a kid
during Lion King on Broadway.
656
00:37:24,805 --> 00:37:26,640
That actually happened.
657
00:37:26,723 --> 00:37:28,434
We were at Lion King on Broadway,
658
00:37:28,517 --> 00:37:30,186
and there was a
five-year-old behind us going,
659
00:37:30,269 --> 00:37:33,147
"Look, it's Pumbaa! Look, it's Timon!"
660
00:37:33,230 --> 00:37:36,817
And my dad turned around and said,
"Are you going to talk the entire time?"
661
00:37:40,237 --> 00:37:41,530
He's my hero.
662
00:37:43,115 --> 00:37:44,741
The weirdest thing when I was a kid
663
00:37:44,825 --> 00:37:47,161
was how much they scared
us about smoking weed.
664
00:37:48,245 --> 00:37:49,788
They scared us about it constantly.
665
00:37:49,871 --> 00:37:51,415
And I've been on tour this year...
666
00:37:51,498 --> 00:37:55,627
Marijuana is legal in 18 or 19
states in some form or another.
667
00:37:55,711 --> 00:37:57,754
It's insane. Yeah, well...
668
00:37:57,838 --> 00:37:59,673
All right, don't "whoo" if you're white.
669
00:37:59,756 --> 00:38:01,925
It's always been legal
for us. Come on, sir.
670
00:38:05,054 --> 00:38:08,474
We don't go to jail for
marijuana, you silly billy.
671
00:38:09,808 --> 00:38:12,686
When I was arrested with a
one-hitter at a Rusted Root concert,
672
00:38:12,769 --> 00:38:14,605
I did not serve hard time.
673
00:38:15,772 --> 00:38:17,274
I think I got an award.
674
00:38:20,111 --> 00:38:21,653
Eighteen or 19 states.
675
00:38:21,737 --> 00:38:23,905
And, by the way, I agree,
it's a very good thing.
676
00:38:23,989 --> 00:38:25,991
But it's also a really weird thing,
677
00:38:26,075 --> 00:38:29,035
because this is the first time
I've ever seen a law change
678
00:38:29,120 --> 00:38:31,247
because the government is just like,
679
00:38:31,330 --> 00:38:33,707
"Fine." You know?
680
00:38:34,875 --> 00:38:36,210
I've never seen it before.
681
00:38:36,293 --> 00:38:37,669
Like, gay marriage and healthcare,
682
00:38:37,753 --> 00:38:40,131
we have to battle it
out in the Supreme Court,
683
00:38:40,214 --> 00:38:41,923
and be like, "Gay people are humans."
684
00:38:42,007 --> 00:38:44,260
And they're like, "We'll think about it."
685
00:38:44,343 --> 00:38:48,264
But with weed, it was just
something we wanted really badly,
686
00:38:48,347 --> 00:38:50,641
and we kept asking them for 40 years, like,
687
00:38:50,724 --> 00:38:52,601
"Excuse me."
688
00:38:53,560 --> 00:38:56,688
And then suddenly the government
became like cool parents,
689
00:38:56,772 --> 00:38:57,773
and they're just like,
690
00:38:57,856 --> 00:39:01,402
"Okay, here. Take a little.
691
00:39:02,528 --> 00:39:05,822
We'd rather you do it in the
house than go somewhere else...
692
00:39:05,906 --> 00:39:07,741
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."
693
00:39:11,787 --> 00:39:13,580
Those stupid parents.
694
00:39:15,416 --> 00:39:18,585
And that's a big deal because they
scared us about weed constantly.
695
00:39:18,669 --> 00:39:20,254
It would be on our sitcoms.
696
00:39:20,337 --> 00:39:23,382
We'd be watching Saved by the Bell,
we'd be having a great old time.
697
00:39:23,465 --> 00:39:26,968
And then, suddenly, a
character we had not seen before
698
00:39:27,052 --> 00:39:31,140
would show up with some weed and the
episode would stop cold in its tracks.
699
00:39:31,223 --> 00:39:32,974
And they'd always hold the joint...
700
00:39:33,058 --> 00:39:36,228
The bad guy would hold the
joint in a villainous way.
701
00:39:36,312 --> 00:39:39,898
They'd always offer the joint in a
way that no one ever holds a joint.
702
00:39:39,981 --> 00:39:42,568
Like it's a skull in a Shakespeare play.
703
00:39:44,278 --> 00:39:46,613
And now it's legal, and that is great news.
704
00:39:46,697 --> 00:39:49,783
Unless you're a weed dealer,
and then it is terrible news.
705
00:39:49,866 --> 00:39:54,037
And I don't just mean because they're
about to lose out to Amazon.com.
706
00:39:54,120 --> 00:39:57,499
I more feel bad for weed dealers
'cause they're about to find out that
707
00:39:57,583 --> 00:40:00,001
we only showed them a
certain amount of politeness
708
00:40:00,085 --> 00:40:02,796
because they had an illegal product.
709
00:40:02,879 --> 00:40:07,259
And we don't show that same politeness
to people who deliver legal products.
710
00:40:07,343 --> 00:40:09,678
Like, when the Chinese
food delivery guy comes,
711
00:40:09,761 --> 00:40:13,932
we don't let him hang out after
he's delivered the Chinese food.
712
00:40:16,643 --> 00:40:17,978
And we don't look the other way
713
00:40:18,061 --> 00:40:20,856
when he says weird shit to the
girls we're hanging out with...
714
00:40:22,191 --> 00:40:24,235
to try to preserve the relationship.
715
00:40:27,363 --> 00:40:31,200
And we definitely don't give
him some of the Chinese food.
716
00:40:33,369 --> 00:40:35,704
He's never like, "Hey, can
I get in on those dumplings?"
717
00:40:35,787 --> 00:40:38,665
And we're like, "Yeah, we're all friends."
718
00:40:41,918 --> 00:40:45,339
What are you, on your
phone? Hey, V-neck. Hey!
719
00:40:49,718 --> 00:40:51,052
- What's your name?
- Sam.
720
00:40:51,136 --> 00:40:52,388
Sam?
721
00:40:52,471 --> 00:40:55,056
Cool!
722
00:40:57,768 --> 00:40:59,811
What do you do to afford V-necks, Sam?
723
00:41:03,232 --> 00:41:06,777
Typing numbers. Ah...
numbers, the letters of math.
724
00:41:10,739 --> 00:41:13,325
I'm sorry to bother you. I
don't mean to single you out.
725
00:41:13,409 --> 00:41:15,661
I hate when people get
pulled out of the audience.
726
00:41:15,744 --> 00:41:19,122
Like, are you familiar with
the Cirque du Soleil, Sam?
727
00:41:19,205 --> 00:41:22,543
They're a group of French assholes
that are slowly taking over America
728
00:41:22,626 --> 00:41:26,129
by humiliating audience members one by one.
729
00:41:26,212 --> 00:41:29,049
We once went to see Cirque du
Soleil at Navy Pier when I was a kid,
730
00:41:29,132 --> 00:41:30,842
and my brother came,
and he was 12 years old.
731
00:41:30,926 --> 00:41:35,055
You remember being 12, when you're like,
"No one look at me or I'll kill myself."
732
00:41:35,138 --> 00:41:37,433
And these French bastards
733
00:41:37,516 --> 00:41:39,935
come into the crowd,
being like, "Le volunteer!"
734
00:41:41,895 --> 00:41:44,690
And they pulled my brother
up on stage, and I was like,
735
00:41:44,773 --> 00:41:46,400
"No!"
736
00:41:46,483 --> 00:41:49,027
And they brought him up, and
they reached into his sweatshirt,
737
00:41:49,110 --> 00:41:50,404
and they were like...
738
00:41:50,487 --> 00:41:51,655
And they had planted a bra,
739
00:41:51,738 --> 00:41:54,658
and they pulled out a
bra and they were like...
740
00:41:54,741 --> 00:41:57,243
And everyone at Navy Pier
was like "Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!"
741
00:41:57,328 --> 00:41:59,413
And my brother was like, "That's great!"
742
00:42:03,208 --> 00:42:05,336
I have had other jobs besides comedy.
743
00:42:05,419 --> 00:42:07,588
I was an office temp for a while.
744
00:42:07,671 --> 00:42:09,255
I really miss that.
745
00:42:09,340 --> 00:42:10,674
I loved being a temp,
746
00:42:10,757 --> 00:42:12,718
because I would just
go from office to office
747
00:42:12,801 --> 00:42:15,261
and be terrible at a
different job for a week.
748
00:42:15,346 --> 00:42:17,473
And then you just get to
retire like Lou Gehrig.
749
00:42:17,556 --> 00:42:19,683
You're like, "Thank you. No
one will ever see me again."
750
00:42:19,766 --> 00:42:21,893
And they're like, "Goodbye!"
751
00:42:21,977 --> 00:42:25,689
I worked at an office once on
57th Street in New York City.
752
00:42:25,772 --> 00:42:27,566
I was there for a couple weeks.
753
00:42:27,649 --> 00:42:29,943
I was in a cubicle next
to this other cubicle.
754
00:42:30,026 --> 00:42:32,404
This woman named Mischa
sat in the other cubicle.
755
00:42:32,488 --> 00:42:33,822
I want to get the number right.
756
00:42:33,905 --> 00:42:35,866
I think Mischa had...
757
00:42:35,949 --> 00:42:39,328
about 900,000 photos of her
daughter up in her cubicle.
758
00:42:39,411 --> 00:42:43,206
Almost like she was trying to solve
a conspiracy about her daughter,
759
00:42:43,289 --> 00:42:45,291
A Beautiful Mind-style.
760
00:42:47,085 --> 00:42:49,921
I think about Mischa two times a week...
761
00:42:51,297 --> 00:42:54,510
because of a phone call
she had next to me one day.
762
00:42:54,593 --> 00:42:57,303
It was one of my first days,
and I was sitting next to her.
763
00:42:57,388 --> 00:42:59,806
And her phone rang, and this
was her call, and I'm quoting.
764
00:42:59,890 --> 00:43:01,182
Her phone rang and she said,
765
00:43:01,266 --> 00:43:03,602
"Hello? Hush!" And then she hung up.
766
00:43:06,438 --> 00:43:08,440
Think about that two times a week.
767
00:43:08,524 --> 00:43:10,442
And I didn't know her well
enough by then to be like,
768
00:43:10,526 --> 00:43:13,236
"Hey, what kind of a
person are you?" You know?
769
00:43:14,530 --> 00:43:16,031
Who could she have been talking to?
770
00:43:16,114 --> 00:43:20,369
"Hello? Hush!" This
was a place of business.
771
00:43:20,452 --> 00:43:23,329
My only thought was that it was
the CEO of the company being like,
772
00:43:23,414 --> 00:43:25,248
"Mischa, help. I'm
doing a crossword puzzle.
773
00:43:25,331 --> 00:43:27,208
I need a four-letter word
for 'be quiet' right now."
774
00:43:27,292 --> 00:43:28,877
- "Hush!"
- "You're promoted."
775
00:43:31,630 --> 00:43:35,133
I temped at a little web company
on 25th Street in New York City.
776
00:43:35,216 --> 00:43:36,927
It was a small web company
777
00:43:37,010 --> 00:43:40,597
owned by this old man who was
old, old, old money New York.
778
00:43:40,681 --> 00:43:43,308
His name was Henry J. Finch IV.
779
00:43:43,392 --> 00:43:45,644
Like old, old, old money.
780
00:43:45,727 --> 00:43:48,439
Like, his money was in
molasses or something.
781
00:43:48,522 --> 00:43:49,773
He owned this web company.
782
00:43:49,856 --> 00:43:52,233
I have no idea why he
owned this web company.
783
00:43:52,317 --> 00:43:56,196
I think he won it in a rich man's game of
dice and small binoculars, or something.
784
00:43:58,114 --> 00:44:00,116
Mr. Finch wore linen suits.
785
00:44:00,200 --> 00:44:03,412
He had suspenders, he had
a bow tie, he had a hat,
786
00:44:03,495 --> 00:44:05,456
he had a cane with an ivory handle.
787
00:44:05,539 --> 00:44:07,290
I'm giving you more
description than you need,
788
00:44:07,373 --> 00:44:08,584
'cause I need you to believe me.
789
00:44:08,667 --> 00:44:11,086
This was a real person I
knew in the 21st century.
790
00:44:11,169 --> 00:44:13,129
Mr. Finch was in his 70s.
791
00:44:13,213 --> 00:44:16,967
He had an assistant named Mary.
She was in her 50s, she was Korean.
792
00:44:17,050 --> 00:44:20,095
I don't know why he had an
assistant. He did not need one.
793
00:44:20,178 --> 00:44:21,179
Unless he needed someone to be like,
794
00:44:21,262 --> 00:44:23,014
"Remember, Mr. Finch, at five o'clock,
795
00:44:23,098 --> 00:44:25,476
you need to keep looking
like a hard-boiled egg."
796
00:44:28,895 --> 00:44:31,732
One day, Mr. Finch came into the office.
797
00:44:31,815 --> 00:44:33,484
It had been raining.
798
00:44:33,567 --> 00:44:37,946
Everything I'm about to say to you was
said in front of me on that afternoon.
799
00:44:38,029 --> 00:44:41,074
Mr. Finch walked into the office,
and he was wearing a raincoat,
800
00:44:41,157 --> 00:44:43,702
he was wearing a rain
hat, and he had his cane.
801
00:44:43,785 --> 00:44:46,162
And he walked in and he
said, and I'm quoting,
802
00:44:46,246 --> 00:44:48,331
"Ah!
803
00:44:48,414 --> 00:44:51,835
One feels like a duck splashing
around in all this wet!
804
00:44:51,918 --> 00:44:55,046
And when one feels like
a duck, one is happy!"
805
00:44:55,130 --> 00:44:58,925
And then Mary yelled, "Ooh, ducklings!"
806
00:45:00,093 --> 00:45:01,803
To which Mr. Finch replied,
807
00:45:01,887 --> 00:45:05,015
"Too old to be a duckling. Quack,
quack." And then walked into his office.
808
00:45:08,351 --> 00:45:11,479
I think about that every goddamn day.
809
00:45:11,563 --> 00:45:13,273
I mean, imagine you're me.
810
00:45:13,356 --> 00:45:17,110
You're a 22-year-old temp,
and you're so hungover,
811
00:45:17,193 --> 00:45:19,487
and you just wanna die every day.
812
00:45:19,571 --> 00:45:22,908
And then that happens in front of
you, and I don't know, gives you hope?
813
00:45:24,701 --> 00:45:26,036
And I did that a little fast.
814
00:45:26,119 --> 00:45:28,246
Let me break that
conversation down for you.
815
00:45:29,122 --> 00:45:30,498
Mr. Finch walked in,
816
00:45:30,582 --> 00:45:33,126
and he began a conversation
the way anyone would.
817
00:45:33,209 --> 00:45:35,629
"Ah!"
818
00:45:40,634 --> 00:45:44,095
"One feels like a duck splashing
around in all this wet!"
819
00:45:44,179 --> 00:45:45,263
The rain.
820
00:45:46,389 --> 00:45:49,267
"And when one feels like
a duck, one is happy!"
821
00:45:49,350 --> 00:45:50,894
Now, that's debatable.
822
00:45:52,604 --> 00:45:54,898
But rather than debate that point,
823
00:45:54,981 --> 00:45:59,820
Mary brought up a new, separate,
but interesting point...
824
00:46:01,154 --> 00:46:04,032
which was, "Ducklings!"
825
00:46:06,492 --> 00:46:11,206
But Mr. Finch, ever the realist
about his own age and mortality...
826
00:46:12,165 --> 00:46:15,043
said, "Ah, too old to be a duckling!"
827
00:46:15,126 --> 00:46:18,546
As if to say, "My duckling
days are behind me.
828
00:46:18,630 --> 00:46:21,049
Mary, don't you see?
829
00:46:21,132 --> 00:46:22,676
I'm a duck now.
830
00:46:24,135 --> 00:46:25,596
And to prove it...
831
00:46:28,640 --> 00:46:32,018
Well, I'll say just about the most
famous catchphrase a duck has...
832
00:46:33,269 --> 00:46:34,688
'Quack, quack.'"
833
00:46:41,444 --> 00:46:43,446
And I knew right at
that moment, by the way,
834
00:46:43,529 --> 00:46:46,157
that it meant nothing to
Mr. Finch, what he had said.
835
00:46:46,241 --> 00:46:49,452
Crazy people are like that. They
have unlimited crazy currency.
836
00:46:49,535 --> 00:46:52,080
Like, if I had gone into his office
a couple weeks later and been like,
837
00:46:52,163 --> 00:46:53,498
"Hey, Finch, you remember
that time you were like,
838
00:46:53,581 --> 00:46:55,375
'Too old to be a duckling. Quack, quack'?"
839
00:46:55,458 --> 00:46:57,168
He would just be like,
"Ah, perhaps I did quack!
840
00:46:57,252 --> 00:46:59,087
But such is life for an
old knickerbocker like me."
841
00:46:59,170 --> 00:47:00,922
Like, he'd say something else crazy.
842
00:47:02,090 --> 00:47:04,635
That's the wonderful thing
about crazy people, you know?
843
00:47:04,718 --> 00:47:06,720
Is that they just have unlimited currency.
844
00:47:06,803 --> 00:47:11,850
The things they say mean nothing to
them, but they mean everything to me.
845
00:47:11,933 --> 00:47:14,310
I was once walking into
Penn Station in New York.
846
00:47:14,394 --> 00:47:16,813
I was walking down 31st
Street towards Eighth Avenue.
847
00:47:16,897 --> 00:47:18,023
I'm walking down 31st,
848
00:47:18,106 --> 00:47:20,316
there's this woman
standing at Eighth and 31st.
849
00:47:20,400 --> 00:47:22,861
I have my little roller
suitcase. You can all imagine.
850
00:47:22,944 --> 00:47:23,945
I'm walking towards her.
851
00:47:24,029 --> 00:47:26,031
She's smoking a cigarette
that is not lit anymore.
852
00:47:26,114 --> 00:47:29,743
She's watching me walk, kind
of scanning me up and down,
853
00:47:29,826 --> 00:47:31,619
as if she had Terminator vision...
854
00:47:31,703 --> 00:47:33,454
where she could see
little bits of data, like,
855
00:47:33,538 --> 00:47:34,790
"Little honky ass,"
856
00:47:34,873 --> 00:47:36,332
and could read information.
857
00:47:38,001 --> 00:47:40,378
As I walked past her, she said this to me.
858
00:47:40,461 --> 00:47:42,881
I walked past her and
she said, and I'm quoting,
859
00:47:42,964 --> 00:47:46,551
"Eat ass, suck a dick and sell drugs."
860
00:47:52,766 --> 00:47:54,642
Very dirty, yes?
861
00:47:54,726 --> 00:47:58,271
A very upsetting thing to hear, yes?
862
00:47:58,354 --> 00:48:00,691
I'm sorry you all had to hear that,
863
00:48:00,774 --> 00:48:03,026
but at least you all got
to hear it as a group.
864
00:48:03,109 --> 00:48:05,904
I was alone out there that afternoon.
865
00:48:05,987 --> 00:48:07,989
And she said this totally unprompted.
866
00:48:08,073 --> 00:48:11,492
"Eat ass, suck a dick and sell drugs."
867
00:48:11,576 --> 00:48:13,870
It wasn't like I had paused
in front of her and been like,
868
00:48:13,954 --> 00:48:16,122
"What should I do with my life?"
869
00:48:18,624 --> 00:48:21,044
So, I walk away from
her with this to-do list.
870
00:48:22,879 --> 00:48:25,590
And I like structure, I like a to-do list.
871
00:48:25,673 --> 00:48:30,887
It did dawn on me that that list of
things does get better as it goes along,
872
00:48:30,971 --> 00:48:32,305
when you really think about it.
873
00:48:32,388 --> 00:48:34,808
'Cause it starts in a pretty rough place.
874
00:48:34,891 --> 00:48:39,896
It starts with just about the worst
task a to-do list can start with.
875
00:48:39,980 --> 00:48:42,315
But by the end, you have
your own small business.
876
00:48:43,483 --> 00:48:47,112
And isn't that the American
dream when all's said and done?
877
00:48:49,030 --> 00:48:52,158
That if you eat enough
ass and suck enough dick,
878
00:48:52,242 --> 00:48:54,535
one day you can sell drugs.
879
00:48:55,703 --> 00:48:58,874
Imagine you did all that to sell
drugs and then they legalize drugs,
880
00:48:58,957 --> 00:49:00,792
and you were like, "But I..."
881
00:49:06,506 --> 00:49:08,424
This has been a real thrill
to perform here, by the way.
882
00:49:08,508 --> 00:49:11,594
I just wanna say that in all
sincerity. Thanks for coming to this.
883
00:49:13,263 --> 00:49:14,890
Really, really appreciate it.
884
00:49:16,892 --> 00:49:20,270
I wanna tell you one more
story before I get out of here,
885
00:49:20,353 --> 00:49:22,773
about the night I met a
guy named Bill Clinton.
886
00:49:23,481 --> 00:49:25,566
Now, I don't... Some
of you know who that is?
887
00:49:26,401 --> 00:49:28,153
For those of you that don't,
888
00:49:28,236 --> 00:49:32,407
he was President of the United
States from 1993 until 2001,
889
00:49:32,490 --> 00:49:34,450
and he is a smooth and fantastic hillbilly
890
00:49:34,534 --> 00:49:37,495
who should be declared Emperor
of the United States of America.
891
00:49:40,081 --> 00:49:42,250
Now, I know you know who Bill Clinton is.
892
00:49:42,333 --> 00:49:45,378
But I was doing a show at a college,
and I mentioned Bill Clinton,
893
00:49:45,461 --> 00:49:48,589
and, like, they kind of
didn't know who he was.
894
00:49:48,673 --> 00:49:51,467
Like, sorry, they knew the name, right?
895
00:49:51,551 --> 00:49:57,015
But they only knew this 2015 Bill Clinton,
who's a very different Bill Clinton.
896
00:49:57,098 --> 00:50:01,394
Have you seen his ass lately?
What the hell is he trying to pull?
897
00:50:01,477 --> 00:50:04,480
He's all thin now, and he
wears these little tight suits,
898
00:50:04,564 --> 00:50:06,607
and he's got these grandpa
reading glasses, like,
899
00:50:06,691 --> 00:50:08,985
"Hey, I can't do nothing
to nobody no more."
900
00:50:11,029 --> 00:50:14,074
"Oh, me? I'm just an old, old man. I
don't have the appetites." You know?
901
00:50:15,408 --> 00:50:19,329
And he's always flying around the world
with Bill Gates trying to cure AIDS.
902
00:50:19,412 --> 00:50:24,459
That is not the Bill Clinton that
we all signed up for 20 years ago.
903
00:50:24,542 --> 00:50:26,669
Our Bill Clinton was like a big, fat
904
00:50:26,752 --> 00:50:29,547
Buddy Garrity from Friday
Night Lights-looking guy,
905
00:50:29,630 --> 00:50:32,092
who played the saxophone on Arsenio,
906
00:50:32,175 --> 00:50:37,138
and his work in the STD community was
not in curing anything at that time.
907
00:50:37,973 --> 00:50:40,558
That was the man we all elected president.
908
00:50:41,767 --> 00:50:43,644
That was the Bill Clinton that I met.
909
00:50:43,728 --> 00:50:47,107
I got to meet Bill Clinton when
he was Governor Clinton in 1992,
910
00:50:47,190 --> 00:50:48,900
when he was first running for president.
911
00:50:48,984 --> 00:50:50,276
And I got to meet Bill Clinton
912
00:50:50,360 --> 00:50:53,488
because my parents had gone to
the same college as Bill Clinton.
913
00:50:53,571 --> 00:50:56,282
They're a little younger, but
they went to the same college.
914
00:50:56,366 --> 00:50:58,159
So, when he was first
running for president,
915
00:50:58,243 --> 00:51:00,828
he would have all these big,
like, alumni fundraisers,
916
00:51:00,912 --> 00:51:02,788
and everyone who went was invited to go.
917
00:51:02,873 --> 00:51:05,041
Now, this was really
cool for a couple reasons.
918
00:51:05,125 --> 00:51:07,293
One, I got to meet Bill Clinton.
919
00:51:07,377 --> 00:51:12,673
But two, I got to watch my parents
watch someone they went to school with
920
00:51:12,757 --> 00:51:14,800
become the president.
921
00:51:14,885 --> 00:51:17,012
And that is super funny to see,
922
00:51:17,095 --> 00:51:19,847
'cause think about some of the
people you went to school with.
923
00:51:20,723 --> 00:51:23,684
Now imagine they're becoming the president.
924
00:51:23,768 --> 00:51:26,854
Imagine Sam was becoming the president.
925
00:51:30,984 --> 00:51:33,111
It would stir up strong emotions.
926
00:51:34,279 --> 00:51:37,282
And my parents had very different
opinions on Bill Clinton.
927
00:51:37,365 --> 00:51:39,910
My mom loved Bill Clinton,
928
00:51:39,993 --> 00:51:43,288
'cause Bill Clinton was always a
really charismatic, handsome guy.
929
00:51:43,371 --> 00:51:46,124
I mean, think about how many
women he got in the 1990s
930
00:51:46,207 --> 00:51:48,960
when he looked like Frank
Caliendo doing John Madden.
931
00:51:49,044 --> 00:51:53,173
Now... imagine him as a college student.
932
00:51:53,256 --> 00:51:55,050
And my mom tells me that
there was this sort of
933
00:51:55,133 --> 00:51:57,635
chivalrous policy on campus back then,
934
00:51:57,718 --> 00:51:59,179
where, late at night,
935
00:51:59,262 --> 00:52:02,682
if female students were leaving
the library unaccompanied,
936
00:52:02,765 --> 00:52:07,562
male students were encouraged to wait
out in front and offer to walk them home.
937
00:52:07,645 --> 00:52:09,272
That sounds good, right?
938
00:52:10,440 --> 00:52:15,653
So, my mom tells me that Bill Clinton
would be out in front of the library
939
00:52:15,736 --> 00:52:19,199
every single night... just being like,
940
00:52:19,282 --> 00:52:20,616
"Hey, can I walk ya home?
941
00:52:20,700 --> 00:52:23,786
Hey, can I walk ya home?
Hey, can I walk ya home?
942
00:52:23,869 --> 00:52:25,330
Hey, can I walk ya home?"
943
00:52:25,413 --> 00:52:28,458
And one night, my mom
was leaving the library,
944
00:52:28,541 --> 00:52:30,961
and Bill Clinton was like,
"Hey, can I walk ya home?"
945
00:52:31,044 --> 00:52:33,254
And my mom was like, "Hell, yes."
946
00:52:33,338 --> 00:52:35,590
So... This is absolutely true.
947
00:52:35,673 --> 00:52:37,675
My mom, little Ellen Stanton,
948
00:52:37,758 --> 00:52:41,429
walked arm-in-arm with Bill Clinton
to her dorm. And she was like,
949
00:52:41,512 --> 00:52:43,473
"You know, I wanted to
invite him up for a beer."
950
00:52:43,556 --> 00:52:45,641
And I was like, "Thanks, I'm nine." But...
951
00:52:48,019 --> 00:52:52,648
her roommate was upstairs, so she
lost her chance with Bill Clinton.
952
00:52:53,524 --> 00:52:57,612
Now, my dad, on the other
hand, hated Bill Clinton,
953
00:52:57,695 --> 00:53:01,241
because my parents were
dating during this time.
954
00:53:01,324 --> 00:53:04,035
And also, my dad's a
much more morally-upright,
955
00:53:04,119 --> 00:53:05,453
conservative kind of guy.
956
00:53:05,536 --> 00:53:07,538
He always told me that
he hated it in college
957
00:53:07,622 --> 00:53:11,084
that Bill Clinton could,
quote, "Get away with anything."
958
00:53:11,167 --> 00:53:13,378
Can you imagine how he felt later?
959
00:53:16,631 --> 00:53:19,134
So, one day, this invitation arrives
960
00:53:19,217 --> 00:53:21,594
for a fundraiser where you
could meet Bill Clinton.
961
00:53:21,677 --> 00:53:23,596
My mom opens it first and she goes,
962
00:53:23,679 --> 00:53:28,184
"Oh, we have to go. We
have to go see Bill."
963
00:53:28,268 --> 00:53:30,811
And without looking up
at her, my dad just says,
964
00:53:30,895 --> 00:53:32,813
"Why?
965
00:53:32,897 --> 00:53:35,441
It's not like he's gonna remember you."
966
00:53:39,070 --> 00:53:40,655
One black coffee.
967
00:53:42,907 --> 00:53:44,575
Same motherfucker.
968
00:53:48,954 --> 00:53:50,123
So, my mom says,
969
00:53:50,206 --> 00:53:53,043
"Fine! I'll go and I'll take
John." And I was like, "Hell, yeah."
970
00:53:53,126 --> 00:53:57,380
And I slid in the room in my
First Communion suit, ready to go.
971
00:53:57,463 --> 00:54:00,050
'Cause I loved Bill
Clinton. I was ten years old.
972
00:54:00,133 --> 00:54:02,802
If you were a kid when Bill
Clinton was first released,
973
00:54:02,885 --> 00:54:04,970
it was the most exciting thing ever.
974
00:54:05,055 --> 00:54:07,640
We'd never seen a cool politician before.
975
00:54:07,723 --> 00:54:09,059
And he would go on MTV,
976
00:54:09,142 --> 00:54:11,727
and he'd have cool
answers to kids' questions.
977
00:54:11,811 --> 00:54:13,646
They'd be like, "Governor,
what's your favorite food?"
978
00:54:13,729 --> 00:54:15,815
And he'd be like, "I don't know, fries?"
979
00:54:15,898 --> 00:54:18,151
And we'd be like, "Yay, we eat fries!"
980
00:54:19,444 --> 00:54:22,905
I learned to play his
campaign song on the piano.
981
00:54:22,988 --> 00:54:26,033
It was "Don't Stop" by Fleetwood Mac...
982
00:54:27,160 --> 00:54:28,828
from Rumours,
983
00:54:28,911 --> 00:54:32,915
an album written by and for
people cheating on each other.
984
00:54:33,958 --> 00:54:36,586
He let us know who he was right away.
985
00:54:39,172 --> 00:54:42,758
So, I went with my mom, as her date...
986
00:54:42,842 --> 00:54:45,970
to reconnect with Governor Bill Clinton.
987
00:54:46,053 --> 00:54:48,806
We walked into the ballroom.
It was a big hotel ballroom.
988
00:54:48,889 --> 00:54:52,017
It was the Palmer House Hilton,
big Hilton hotel ballroom.
989
00:54:52,102 --> 00:54:54,019
Walked into the ballroom,
it was packed with people.
990
00:54:54,104 --> 00:54:57,523
It's actually the ballroom from the
end of the movie The Fugitive, remember?
991
00:54:57,607 --> 00:54:58,899
So, that ballroom.
992
00:54:58,983 --> 00:55:03,404
So, my mom and I walk in,
it's packed with people, the...
993
00:55:03,488 --> 00:55:07,700
Sorry, the end where Harrison
Ford, as Dr. Richard Kimble,
994
00:55:07,783 --> 00:55:10,286
bursts in to confront Dr.
Charles Nichols, right? Okay.
995
00:55:10,370 --> 00:55:11,871
So, that ballroom.
996
00:55:11,954 --> 00:55:15,208
So, my mom and I walk in,
it's packed with people.
997
00:55:15,291 --> 00:55:16,501
Why does Kimble confront Nichols?
998
00:55:16,584 --> 00:55:18,919
Well, I know we all know this,
but... No, no. But, but, but...
999
00:55:19,003 --> 00:55:22,798
Kimble, he found out that Nichols,
along with Devlin MacGregor and Lentz,
1000
00:55:22,882 --> 00:55:24,842
who has mysteriously died,
1001
00:55:24,925 --> 00:55:27,262
they had hired Frederick Sykes,
the one-armed man, to kill Kimble.
1002
00:55:27,345 --> 00:55:29,222
Kimble's wife wasn't even the
target. I know we all know this.
1003
00:55:29,305 --> 00:55:30,473
But they were gonna kill Kimble
1004
00:55:30,556 --> 00:55:33,643
because he wasn't gonna approve
certain liver samples to pass RUD-90.
1005
00:55:33,726 --> 00:55:37,188
So, Kimble finds out about all of
this, and, of course, he's furious.
1006
00:55:37,272 --> 00:55:38,606
And he bursts into the
ballroom and he goes,
1007
00:55:38,689 --> 00:55:40,275
"You switched the samples!"
1008
00:55:40,358 --> 00:55:41,734
And Dr. Nichols is like,
1009
00:55:41,817 --> 00:55:45,238
"Ladies and gentlemen, my
friend, Dr. Richard Kimble."
1010
00:55:45,321 --> 00:55:47,615
What accent did that guy have, by the way?
1011
00:55:47,698 --> 00:55:50,117
He goes, "You switched the samples!
1012
00:55:50,201 --> 00:55:52,995
And you doctored your research!
1013
00:55:53,078 --> 00:55:55,790
So that you could have Provasic!"
1014
00:55:57,875 --> 00:56:01,671
Anyway, so it's that ballroom.
So, we walk into that ballroom.
1015
00:56:01,754 --> 00:56:03,673
It was packed with people.
1016
00:56:06,801 --> 00:56:11,889
It was packed with people. A real
Who's Not of Chicago celebrities.
1017
00:56:11,972 --> 00:56:13,933
Walter Jacobson was there.
1018
00:56:16,018 --> 00:56:18,479
Walter Jacobson was the local Fox anchor.
1019
00:56:18,563 --> 00:56:21,816
He'd do fun things where he'd go
undercover as a homeless person.
1020
00:56:21,899 --> 00:56:23,734
And he'd be like, "Oh,
what time is the soup?"
1021
00:56:23,818 --> 00:56:25,528
And they'd be like, "Man,
you're Walter Jacobson."
1022
00:56:25,611 --> 00:56:27,280
He was there.
1023
00:56:30,157 --> 00:56:31,742
Everybody.
1024
00:56:31,826 --> 00:56:34,829
And on the far side of the
ballroom, under a spotlight,
1025
00:56:34,912 --> 00:56:37,039
we saw a little bit of silver hair.
1026
00:56:37,122 --> 00:56:39,166
And it was him... Bill Clinton.
1027
00:56:39,250 --> 00:56:41,794
The Comeback Kid.
1028
00:56:41,877 --> 00:56:43,546
But he was surrounded by reporters,
1029
00:56:43,629 --> 00:56:46,632
and photographers, and Secret Service.
1030
00:56:46,716 --> 00:56:47,883
So, what are you gonna do?
1031
00:56:47,967 --> 00:56:52,054
Well, if you're my mom, you ball
up the back of my sport coat,
1032
00:56:52,137 --> 00:56:55,350
and you push me forward
like a human shield.
1033
00:56:55,433 --> 00:56:57,393
And then you start jogging while yelling,
1034
00:56:57,477 --> 00:57:01,897
"This ten-year-old boy has to meet the
next president of the United States!"
1035
00:57:01,981 --> 00:57:04,692
Kind of implying that I might be dying.
1036
00:57:04,775 --> 00:57:09,154
My feet were not on the ground.
She was swinging me like a snowplow.
1037
00:57:09,239 --> 00:57:13,326
I was just mowing down
fat Chicago Democrats.
1038
00:57:13,409 --> 00:57:17,830
I pushed past all the reporters, I
pushed past all the photographers.
1039
00:57:17,913 --> 00:57:20,291
We pushed past all the Secret Service.
1040
00:57:20,375 --> 00:57:22,835
We land at Bill Clinton's feet.
1041
00:57:22,918 --> 00:57:26,130
Bill Clinton turns,
looks at my mom and says,
1042
00:57:26,214 --> 00:57:27,340
"Hey, Ellen,"
1043
00:57:27,423 --> 00:57:30,593
'cause he never forgets a bitch, ever.
1044
00:57:40,436 --> 00:57:45,024
My mom melts. She goes, "Hi, Bill."
1045
00:57:46,108 --> 00:57:48,903
Then it is revealed that she has no plan.
1046
00:57:49,987 --> 00:57:53,491
So... she pushes me towards
Clinton and she goes,
1047
00:57:53,574 --> 00:57:57,202
"This is my son, John, and he's
also going to be president."
1048
00:57:57,287 --> 00:58:00,373
And I was like, "What the
hell are you talking about?
1049
00:58:00,456 --> 00:58:02,583
I'm not gonna be president."
1050
00:58:02,667 --> 00:58:05,920
And I know now that I'm definitely
never gonna be president.
1051
00:58:06,003 --> 00:58:10,090
Not unless everyone gets real cool
about a bunch of stuff really quickly.
1052
00:58:14,470 --> 00:58:16,221
Based on my ten-year-old memory,
1053
00:58:16,306 --> 00:58:18,599
Bill Clinton is about 13 feet tall.
1054
00:58:19,725 --> 00:58:22,520
And he leaned down, because,
well, I was wearing this button
1055
00:58:22,603 --> 00:58:23,896
that I bought outside the fundraiser.
1056
00:58:23,979 --> 00:58:27,942
It was a cartoon button
of George H. W. Bush,
1057
00:58:28,025 --> 00:58:33,072
and it had a quail flying over his
head, and it was shitting on his head.
1058
00:58:33,155 --> 00:58:35,658
And it said, "Bird-brained."
1059
00:58:35,741 --> 00:58:38,453
And I thought it was very funny.
1060
00:58:38,536 --> 00:58:41,997
And Bill Clinton leaned down so
that only I could hear and he said,
1061
00:58:42,081 --> 00:58:44,709
"Hey, man, I like your button."
1062
00:58:46,752 --> 00:58:50,047
And I said, "You can do
whatever you want forever."
1063
00:58:51,131 --> 00:58:52,758
And he took my advice.
1064
00:58:52,842 --> 00:58:54,760
And...
1065
00:58:54,844 --> 00:58:57,430
it was the best night of my entire life.
1066
00:58:58,848 --> 00:59:00,433
And I got home that night...
1067
00:59:01,476 --> 00:59:03,644
I got home that night,
and my dad was still awake,
1068
00:59:03,728 --> 00:59:06,856
like, reading angry under
one lamp, just like...
1069
00:59:07,857 --> 00:59:10,818
And I went up to him and I went, "Hey!
1070
00:59:10,901 --> 00:59:12,528
I'm gonna be a Democrat."
1071
00:59:14,697 --> 00:59:17,492
"And I'm gonna vote for Bill Clinton."
1072
00:59:17,575 --> 00:59:20,202
And without looking up
at me, my dad just said,
1073
00:59:20,285 --> 00:59:24,206
"You have the moral backbone
of a chocolate éclair."
1074
00:59:29,462 --> 00:59:31,296
You know, how you talk to a child.
1075
00:59:33,215 --> 00:59:35,259
So, here's the end of that story.
1076
00:59:35,343 --> 00:59:39,597
That was 1992. Let's flash
forward five years to 1997.
1077
00:59:39,680 --> 00:59:43,559
It is now 1997. I am a
sophomore in high school,
1078
00:59:43,643 --> 00:59:46,896
Bill Clinton is in his
second term as president.
1079
00:59:46,979 --> 00:59:50,525
And on the morning that the
Monica Lewinsky scandal breaks
1080
00:59:50,608 --> 00:59:51,984
on the cover of The New York Times.
1081
00:59:52,067 --> 00:59:53,110
It had been on the Drudge Report,
1082
00:59:53,193 --> 00:59:55,405
and then it was on the
cover of The New York Times.
1083
00:59:55,488 --> 00:59:59,909
That morning, I wake up to the
newspaper hitting me in the face.
1084
00:59:59,992 --> 01:00:05,039
I am a teenager asleep in bed, and
the newspaper hits me in the face
1085
01:00:05,122 --> 01:00:07,249
and falls open on my stomach.
1086
01:00:07,332 --> 01:00:11,462
And I open my eyes to see my dad
standing there dressed for work,
1087
01:00:11,546 --> 01:00:12,713
and he says,
1088
01:00:12,797 --> 01:00:15,800
"The other shoe just dropped."
1089
01:00:19,429 --> 01:00:22,097
And then my dad went in to work
1090
01:00:22,181 --> 01:00:25,601
to find out that his
law firm had been hired
1091
01:00:25,685 --> 01:00:27,562
to defend Bill Clinton.
1092
01:00:32,775 --> 01:00:34,485
Good night, Chicago.
91802
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