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1
00:00:04,856 --> 00:00:07,290
Kids, something you
might not know about your Uncle Marshall
2
00:00:07,391 --> 00:00:09,518
is that he's always been good at games,
3
00:00:09,627 --> 00:00:10,958
I mean unbeatable,
4
00:00:11,062 --> 00:00:12,120
Gin!
5
00:00:14,198 --> 00:00:15,426
Yahtzee!
6
00:00:16,634 --> 00:00:17,760
Poker!
7
00:00:18,569 --> 00:00:20,764
You don't have to shout out "poker"
when you win.
8
00:00:20,872 --> 00:00:22,737
I know. It's just fun to say.
9
00:00:23,307 --> 00:00:24,399
We all finally agreed,
10
00:00:24,509 --> 00:00:26,272
Marshall should be
running our game nights,
11
00:00:26,377 --> 00:00:27,639
instead of playing in them,
12
00:00:27,745 --> 00:00:30,737
Which he took to mean,
"Invent your own game,"
13
00:00:30,948 --> 00:00:33,508
It's called "Marshgammon."
14
00:00:33,985 --> 00:00:36,613
It combines all the best features
of all the best games,
15
00:00:36,721 --> 00:00:38,916
Candyland, I Never, Pictionary.
16
00:00:39,023 --> 00:00:40,615
- Backgammon, obviously.
- No.
17
00:00:40,725 --> 00:00:42,249
Backgammon sucks.
18
00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:44,760
I took the only good part of
"backgammon," the "gammon,"
19
00:00:44,862 --> 00:00:48,354
and I left the rest of it in the trash
where it belongs.
20
00:00:48,733 --> 00:00:51,099
I'm so excited Victoria's coming.
21
00:00:51,202 --> 00:00:53,033
I'm gonna go get another round.
22
00:00:53,137 --> 00:00:55,731
Okay. I wanna lay down
some ground rules for tonight, Barney.
23
00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:58,536
I actually like Victoria a lot.
24
00:00:58,643 --> 00:01:01,874
So, don't say anything...
Don't say anything.
25
00:01:02,647 --> 00:01:05,548
And, guys, I haven't exactly told Victoria
26
00:01:05,650 --> 00:01:07,618
that I used to have
a kind of thing for Robin,
27
00:01:07,718 --> 00:01:11,984
- so if we could just avoid the...
- Well, well, well, how rich.
28
00:01:12,490 --> 00:01:15,755
You make me promise to be on
my best behavior around your girlfriend,
29
00:01:15,860 --> 00:01:18,761
yet you have been lying to her
since day one.
30
00:01:19,163 --> 00:01:20,460
Excuse me.
31
00:01:21,265 --> 00:01:22,391
Hi, Leg Warehouse?
32
00:01:22,500 --> 00:01:24,991
Yeah, my friend Ted
needs something to stand on.
33
00:01:25,102 --> 00:01:28,538
So, nothing for him to stand on?
Okay, thanks so much.
34
00:01:29,473 --> 00:01:33,967
Ted, doesn't Victoria deserve to know
that you once had the hots for Robin?
35
00:01:34,645 --> 00:01:38,172
I have half a mind
to tell the story of the re-return.
36
00:01:38,849 --> 00:01:41,374
No,
I swore you to secrecy on that.
37
00:01:41,485 --> 00:01:45,216
I am smelling dirt.
What is the story of the re-return?
38
00:01:45,323 --> 00:01:46,984
Nothing. It's nothing.
39
00:01:47,091 --> 00:01:48,649
And, speaking of digging up dirt,
40
00:01:48,759 --> 00:01:51,023
can I count on you two
to behave around Victoria?
41
00:01:51,128 --> 00:01:53,187
Us? What would we do?
42
00:01:53,564 --> 00:01:57,000
Look, you guys have always been
like the parents that I still have,
43
00:01:57,101 --> 00:01:59,126
and, in fact, moved here to get away from.
44
00:01:59,237 --> 00:02:02,297
However, could we skip
the traditional interrogation
45
00:02:02,406 --> 00:02:04,636
of the new girlfriend tonight?
46
00:02:04,742 --> 00:02:05,936
- Fine.
- Fine.
47
00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:07,101
Thank you.
48
00:02:07,211 --> 00:02:09,736
- I should go help Robin.
- Okay.
49
00:02:11,816 --> 00:02:13,181
- Hey.
- Hey.
50
00:02:13,451 --> 00:02:16,818
So, you gonna be okay
hanging out with Victoria tonight?
51
00:02:16,921 --> 00:02:18,752
Oh, sure. She's great.
52
00:02:19,523 --> 00:02:22,083
Oh, what? Because of the whole thing
where I said I liked Ted?
53
00:02:22,193 --> 00:02:23,820
No. Victoria is great.
54
00:02:23,928 --> 00:02:26,829
She's fun, she's free-spirited.
She's great.
55
00:02:27,365 --> 00:02:29,333
I said "She's great" too many times,
didn't I?
56
00:02:29,433 --> 00:02:31,697
You must really hate the bitch.
57
00:02:32,703 --> 00:02:36,696
But if you roll an even number
while adjacent to the Peppermint Forest,
58
00:02:36,807 --> 00:02:39,935
then you "Marshall Out,"
and all your chips go into the pot.
59
00:02:40,044 --> 00:02:43,878
And remember,
if you ever ask the question, "What,"
60
00:02:43,981 --> 00:02:46,176
then you gotta drink.
61
00:02:46,851 --> 00:02:47,818
Got it?
62
00:02:47,918 --> 00:02:50,216
- No idea what you're talking about.
- No idea what you're talking about.
63
00:02:50,321 --> 00:02:51,345
Okay, okay. All right, no, no.
64
00:02:51,455 --> 00:02:53,787
We'll just start. You guys will pick it up.
Newbie goes first.
65
00:02:53,891 --> 00:02:55,256
- Roll.
- Okay.
66
00:02:56,394 --> 00:02:59,659
Three! You got "Autobiography."
67
00:02:59,764 --> 00:03:03,325
Now, that's where you have to answer
a personal question about your dating life,
68
00:03:03,434 --> 00:03:05,231
truthfully, in order to move on.
69
00:03:05,336 --> 00:03:08,999
- Marshall, come on.
- Hey. She's the one who rolled a three.
70
00:03:10,775 --> 00:03:12,072
Victoria.
71
00:03:12,176 --> 00:03:15,509
"Have you ever cheated
while in a relationship?"
72
00:03:15,613 --> 00:03:17,342
Wow, good question.
73
00:03:17,448 --> 00:03:19,916
- You don't have to answer that.
- It's okay.
74
00:03:20,818 --> 00:03:24,515
Well, I was in a really crappy relationship
in college,
75
00:03:24,622 --> 00:03:28,285
and I wound up kissing this guy
at a party one night
76
00:03:28,392 --> 00:03:32,192
and I felt terrible about it,
so I came clean and we broke up.
77
00:03:34,332 --> 00:03:37,529
Victoria, that was an honest
and mature answer.
78
00:03:37,635 --> 00:03:40,069
You may advance
to the Gumdrop Mountains.
79
00:03:41,539 --> 00:03:45,134
So, Victoria,
did you ever re-return to this guy?
80
00:03:45,242 --> 00:03:47,836
- What?
- You said what. You gotta drink.
81
00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:53,616
Oh, Barney, by the way, I went to a party
in that new building on 82nd,
82
00:03:53,718 --> 00:03:55,310
and the host said she knew you.
83
00:03:55,419 --> 00:03:58,479
- What is her name? Sharon? Shannon?
- Shannon?
84
00:03:59,490 --> 00:04:01,117
Shannon, Shannon.
85
00:04:01,625 --> 00:04:03,923
No. Don't remember any Shannon.
86
00:04:04,161 --> 00:04:06,789
Really? Well, 'cause she gave me
a videotape to give you.
87
00:04:06,897 --> 00:04:08,524
Where's the tape?
88
00:04:11,135 --> 00:04:12,500
I'll get it.
89
00:04:12,603 --> 00:04:14,901
Cool. Okay. You know, whenever.
90
00:04:15,072 --> 00:04:17,472
Okay, Robin. Your roll.
91
00:04:19,810 --> 00:04:23,075
Five! Another "Autobiography."
92
00:04:23,781 --> 00:04:27,512
For the player to your left which...
Victoria!
93
00:04:27,618 --> 00:04:29,108
Of course.
94
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:30,748
Victoria.
95
00:04:31,222 --> 00:04:35,556
"How many boyfriends did you have
before you started dating Ted?"
96
00:04:35,659 --> 00:04:37,456
Wait, the card actually says Ted?
97
00:04:37,561 --> 00:04:41,395
Okay. Well, boyfriends,
I guess I've only had two.
98
00:04:41,499 --> 00:04:42,898
Prude-alert.
99
00:04:43,868 --> 00:04:48,305
Well, that... That's serious boyfriends.
I've dated other guys in between.
100
00:04:48,406 --> 00:04:50,237
Oh, slut-alert!
101
00:04:53,878 --> 00:04:57,245
Oh, great, there it is.
Thanks, Lily, you're a peach.
102
00:05:05,656 --> 00:05:07,487
Well, wow, look at that.
103
00:05:07,591 --> 00:05:10,458
Robin landed on the Chocolate Swamp.
That's five chips for me.
104
00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:13,894
Thank you. Finally,
somebody understands Marshgammon.
105
00:05:14,198 --> 00:05:16,758
Barney, what was on that tape?
106
00:05:17,134 --> 00:05:19,568
- Too bad you'll never find out.
- Damn it!
107
00:05:19,670 --> 00:05:24,004
If only I'd given you a fake tape
and hidden the real tape in my purse.
108
00:05:24,108 --> 00:05:26,440
Oh, wait. That's exactly what I did.
109
00:05:26,544 --> 00:05:28,011
- What?
- Drink.
110
00:05:28,813 --> 00:05:33,750
Yeah, you were acting so weird about it
I gave you Ted's graduation tape instead.
111
00:05:34,118 --> 00:05:36,985
- So, should we pop it in?
- Give it to me.
112
00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:38,054
- Hey, hey!
- Ted!
113
00:05:38,155 --> 00:05:39,122
- Play it. Play it!
- Fine, fine.
114
00:05:40,624 --> 00:05:42,387
I cannot believe...
115
00:05:45,396 --> 00:05:48,263
Shannon! I love you,
116
00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:50,961
I love you so much,
117
00:05:53,137 --> 00:05:55,935
What about us
changing the world together?
118
00:05:56,474 --> 00:05:59,910
Don't tell me you've forgotten,
I know I haven't,
119
00:06:34,391 --> 00:06:37,121
- Did you try his cell phone?
- Yeah, I left two messages.
120
00:06:37,227 --> 00:06:41,095
I checked the cigar club,
the Lusty Leopard. He's off the grid.
121
00:06:41,999 --> 00:06:43,626
Hey, guys. What up?
122
00:06:43,734 --> 00:06:46,897
- Barney, where have you been?
- Yeah, we're really sorry about that.
123
00:06:47,004 --> 00:06:48,528
Yeah, so sorry.
124
00:06:49,606 --> 00:06:52,006
But seriously, what was up with the tape?
125
00:06:52,109 --> 00:06:53,701
- No. Stay.
- Come on. Come on.
126
00:06:53,810 --> 00:06:56,005
- Stay. Come on.
- I'm sorry. I don't wanna talk about it.
127
00:06:56,113 --> 00:06:58,343
It was the most embarrassing
and humiliating thing
128
00:06:58,448 --> 00:06:59,608
that ever happened to me.
129
00:06:59,716 --> 00:07:03,311
Well, we all have embarrassing stories.
Sometimes it's good to talk about it.
130
00:07:03,420 --> 00:07:04,614
Oh, really?
131
00:07:04,721 --> 00:07:07,781
Then why don't you tell us
your most humiliating moment, Marshall?
132
00:07:07,891 --> 00:07:09,756
Show me how good it is.
133
00:07:12,362 --> 00:07:13,386
All right.
134
00:07:14,097 --> 00:07:16,998
MARSHALL; I was stopping by Lily's
kindergarten class to say hi,
135
00:07:17,100 --> 00:07:19,000
but they were all at recess,
136
00:07:19,102 --> 00:07:22,629
I really had to pee,
so I went into the class's restroom,
137
00:07:22,739 --> 00:07:26,231
It was a smaller target than I'm used to,
138
00:07:26,343 --> 00:07:28,641
so I figured I should sit down,
139
00:07:30,013 --> 00:07:33,847
What I didn't realize was
it was a shared bathroom,
140
00:07:38,021 --> 00:07:40,216
I wish I'd pulled up my pants,
141
00:07:46,129 --> 00:07:48,597
The kids still call him Funny Butt.
142
00:07:50,934 --> 00:07:53,596
Okay. I'll tell you my story.
143
00:07:54,538 --> 00:07:58,474
Believe it or not, I was not always
as awesome as I am today.
144
00:07:59,443 --> 00:08:02,412
BARNEY; It was 1998,
I was just out of college,
145
00:08:02,512 --> 00:08:05,072
and I was working at a coffeehouse
with my girlfriend,
146
00:08:05,182 --> 00:08:07,241
My girlfriend, Shannon,
147
00:08:18,166 --> 00:08:19,497
Thank you,
148
00:08:23,204 --> 00:08:24,466
All right.
149
00:08:24,572 --> 00:08:28,008
- I love your singing, Barney.
- And I love you, Shannon.
150
00:08:29,377 --> 00:08:32,005
Joining the Peace Corps with you
is gonna be legendary.
151
00:08:32,113 --> 00:08:36,174
I know. Only five short weeks,
till we're down in Nicaragua.
152
00:08:36,818 --> 00:08:38,877
Hey, nonfat latte to go.
153
00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:42,045
Mellow order, bro, mellow order.
154
00:08:43,658 --> 00:08:46,821
Dude. That's your G-friend?
All right, high-five.
155
00:08:47,262 --> 00:08:49,457
Sorry, I only give high-twos.
156
00:08:50,698 --> 00:08:53,428
Whatevs. As long as you're nailing that.
157
00:08:53,835 --> 00:08:55,996
Listen to you. "That"?
158
00:08:56,471 --> 00:08:59,838
You know, women aren't objects.
They're human beings.
159
00:09:00,108 --> 00:09:03,077
And FYI, Shannon and I have
decided to wait till we're married.
160
00:09:03,177 --> 00:09:04,667
You can read about it in my zine.
161
00:09:05,780 --> 00:09:07,338
Hey, Haircut, right here.
162
00:09:07,448 --> 00:09:09,609
Open up your knowledge basket
'cause here it comes.
163
00:09:09,717 --> 00:09:10,911
Forget all that touchy-feely crap.
164
00:09:11,019 --> 00:09:13,613
You get money, you get laid.
End of discussion.
165
00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:15,712
I feel sorry for you, man.
166
00:09:16,157 --> 00:09:17,784
Peace out, hombre,
167
00:09:19,961 --> 00:09:21,087
Suits.
168
00:09:22,964 --> 00:09:26,161
BARNEY; Five weeks later, we were all set
to leave for the Peace Corps,
169
00:09:26,267 --> 00:09:27,859
Only problem was
170
00:09:28,970 --> 00:09:30,733
she never showed up,
171
00:09:33,223 --> 00:09:36,215
- She never showed?
- So what happened next?
172
00:09:38,195 --> 00:09:39,787
You know what? This was a mistake.
173
00:09:39,897 --> 00:09:43,663
Wait, what if somebody else
told their most humiliating story?
174
00:09:43,767 --> 00:09:46,201
Oh, I know just how to decide who.
175
00:09:46,303 --> 00:09:47,998
You brought the game to the bar?
176
00:09:48,105 --> 00:09:50,198
We're not quitting
just 'cause Ted's so far ahead.
177
00:09:50,307 --> 00:09:51,774
I was winning?
178
00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:58,011
Fine. I'll go next.
179
00:09:58,682 --> 00:10:02,083
ROBIN; I was doing a report on live TV
about a hansom cab driver,
180
00:10:02,186 --> 00:10:06,054
- The slipping-in-horse-poop story?
- Yeah, we all know that one.
181
00:10:06,156 --> 00:10:07,680
Okay, how about this?
182
00:10:07,791 --> 00:10:10,316
I will tell you my most humiliating story.
183
00:10:10,427 --> 00:10:12,622
Yeah, Victoria. Way to step up.
184
00:10:12,729 --> 00:10:15,220
It involves a game of Truth or Dare,
185
00:10:15,833 --> 00:10:18,802
a squeeze bottle
of marshmallow ice cream topping,
186
00:10:18,902 --> 00:10:22,303
and the hot tub at my grandparents'
retirement community.
187
00:10:22,959 --> 00:10:25,154
Kids, I tell you
a lot of inappropriate stories,
188
00:10:25,261 --> 00:10:27,559
but there's no way in hell
I'm telling you this one,
189
00:10:27,663 --> 00:10:29,426
Don't worry, though, it wasn't that great,
190
00:10:29,532 --> 00:10:33,434
That is the greatest story ever!
191
00:10:33,536 --> 00:10:36,266
- Oh, my God!
- Wow, wow, wow!
192
00:10:37,587 --> 00:10:41,023
Victoria, I deem your offering worthy.
193
00:10:42,925 --> 00:10:45,587
My saga continues.
194
00:10:46,562 --> 00:10:49,622
BARNEY; I went back to the coffeehouse
to find Shannon,
195
00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:52,223
- Barney!
- Sugar bear, where were you?
196
00:10:52,835 --> 00:10:55,963
I'm sorry. My dad won't let me go.
197
00:10:56,639 --> 00:10:59,164
But the Nicaraguans need us.
198
00:10:59,275 --> 00:11:01,641
It's just he's still supporting me.
199
00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:04,178
And, look,
he's coming by soon to talk about it,
200
00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:07,306
but I think you should go on without me.
201
00:11:07,416 --> 00:11:09,543
- Shannon, there is no...
- Barney.
202
00:11:09,652 --> 00:11:11,210
It's your dream.
203
00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:14,956
It's only two years. I know we can make it.
204
00:11:18,494 --> 00:11:22,021
As I walked away,
I realized Shannon was an adult,
205
00:11:22,131 --> 00:11:24,497
Her father couldn't control her life,
206
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:27,034
I had to go back and confront him,
207
00:11:30,906 --> 00:11:34,433
She was in the middle
of a heated argument with her dad,
208
00:11:41,817 --> 00:11:42,909
What?
209
00:11:45,354 --> 00:11:47,254
Now we all gotta drink.
210
00:11:51,010 --> 00:11:53,308
Oh, my God. What happened next?
211
00:11:54,446 --> 00:11:57,006
- Oh, I don't know, guys.
- Okay, okay.
212
00:11:57,750 --> 00:12:00,548
- Marshall's mom sent us cookies.
- Lily, no! No, Lily!
213
00:12:00,653 --> 00:12:03,315
For the team, Marshall, for the team.
214
00:12:03,889 --> 00:12:06,050
Hey, Mrs. Eriksen, it's Lily.
215
00:12:06,158 --> 00:12:09,059
Thank you so much
for the delicious cookies.
216
00:12:09,895 --> 00:12:11,590
Mayonnaise. Really?
217
00:12:12,364 --> 00:12:14,059
Never would have guessed.
218
00:12:14,166 --> 00:12:17,226
Yes, well I will definitely give Marshall
a kiss for you.
219
00:12:17,336 --> 00:12:18,769
Okay, take care.
220
00:12:18,871 --> 00:12:22,238
- Hi, baby.
- Oh, crap! My mom sent cookies?
221
00:12:22,775 --> 00:12:26,609
Yeah. I wish we had a dog,
so they wouldn't go to waste.
222
00:12:26,712 --> 00:12:27,736
Yeah.
223
00:12:28,113 --> 00:12:30,479
So, we've got the whole place
to ourselves.
224
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:34,451
- I'm thinking floor sex.
- Sounds reasonable.
225
00:12:36,722 --> 00:12:38,349
Oh, floor's cold.
226
00:12:39,391 --> 00:12:41,655
Grab that afghan your mom made.
227
00:12:43,896 --> 00:12:45,420
The whole time?
228
00:12:45,798 --> 00:12:48,961
The whole time.
229
00:12:50,236 --> 00:12:52,568
Barney, that was really embarrassing
for both of us.
230
00:12:52,671 --> 00:12:54,935
We just earned a huge chunk of story.
231
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:57,065
Right. So where was I?
232
00:12:57,543 --> 00:13:00,239
Oh, yeah.
Shannon was sucking face with her dad.
233
00:13:09,154 --> 00:13:11,520
How could... With your dad?
234
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:16,186
I mean, I know,
judge not lest ye be judged, but gross!
235
00:13:16,295 --> 00:13:18,388
Barney, that's not my dad.
236
00:13:18,497 --> 00:13:20,829
His name's Greg.
I've been seeing him for a few weeks.
237
00:13:20,933 --> 00:13:24,528
I was hoping you'd just leave
and we could avoid all this.
238
00:13:25,337 --> 00:13:28,465
We're breaking up?
But what about the Peace Corps?
239
00:13:28,574 --> 00:13:31,907
Yeah, all this granola business,
it was just a phase.
240
00:13:32,511 --> 00:13:35,344
Greg's older. He's successful.
241
00:13:35,748 --> 00:13:38,012
He buys me all this cool stuff.
242
00:13:39,351 --> 00:13:42,650
- But I love you.
- But he has a boat.
243
00:13:44,590 --> 00:13:48,549
You should go to the Peace Corps.
And forget about me.
244
00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:53,863
BARNEY; I didn't go,
245
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:58,161
That night, I recorded my video
and mailed it to Shannon,
246
00:13:58,270 --> 00:14:00,431
I didn't see her until a week later,
247
00:14:01,273 --> 00:14:03,400
There's sugar in the basket.
248
00:14:05,577 --> 00:14:08,102
Shannon! Shannon, you came back!
249
00:14:08,213 --> 00:14:10,340
I'm just picking up my last paycheck.
250
00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:14,478
Did you... Did you get my tape?
251
00:14:15,187 --> 00:14:17,018
Oh, she got the tape.
252
00:14:17,790 --> 00:14:21,248
You? You... It was you?
253
00:14:26,298 --> 00:14:27,526
Oh, man!
254
00:15:45,244 --> 00:15:46,939
Oh, you poor thing.
255
00:15:47,046 --> 00:15:50,607
The story's not over.
I did see Shannon one more time.
256
00:15:50,849 --> 00:15:53,181
- When?
- Sorry. Sorry.
257
00:15:55,354 --> 00:15:57,322
Oh, you've gotta tell us.
258
00:15:57,489 --> 00:16:01,983
I don't know. I think I might need
one last story to get me through it.
259
00:16:04,329 --> 00:16:05,557
Fine.
260
00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:07,459
Oh, the Green Testicles story.
261
00:16:07,566 --> 00:16:09,591
So, I was playing Ultimate Frisbee
in college,
262
00:16:09,701 --> 00:16:12,169
and there was this barefoot dude
with a weirdly sharp toenail...
263
00:16:12,271 --> 00:16:15,502
Oh, come on, Ted!
You know what story I wanna hear.
264
00:16:15,874 --> 00:16:18,809
Everyone else here has manned-up tonight
and told the truth.
265
00:16:18,911 --> 00:16:20,378
Why can't you?
266
00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:23,113
You're right.
267
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:27,411
Victoria, I'm sorry I haven't
told you this yet, but a while back,
268
00:16:27,519 --> 00:16:30,317
I was kind of into Robin.
269
00:16:31,523 --> 00:16:35,550
In fact, on our first date,
I might've said, "I love you."
270
00:16:37,196 --> 00:16:40,165
Understandably, she freaked out,
and I left,
271
00:16:40,265 --> 00:16:43,792
but unfortunately,
the night did not end there.
272
00:16:46,138 --> 00:16:49,164
We all ended up at the bar
with our cabdriver, Ranjit,
273
00:16:49,274 --> 00:16:51,208
To one hell of a night!
274
00:16:54,079 --> 00:16:55,478
And I drank,
275
00:16:55,614 --> 00:16:56,808
A lot,
276
00:17:00,085 --> 00:17:03,020
So, you guys think
I should have kissed her?
277
00:17:03,122 --> 00:17:08,059
Well, I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna go kiss her. Right now.
278
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:10,253
Yes! Do it!
279
00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:11,693
To the car.
280
00:17:29,748 --> 00:17:32,012
Hello? Is someone out there?
281
00:17:42,161 --> 00:17:43,924
You ralphed and ran?
282
00:17:44,763 --> 00:17:47,493
I thought you were vomit-free since '93.
283
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:49,462
So, that was a lie?
284
00:17:50,669 --> 00:17:54,400
You re-returned for me.
That's really sweet.
285
00:17:55,107 --> 00:17:58,235
Though you kind of ruined
my customized Scherbatsky doormat.
286
00:17:58,343 --> 00:18:00,243
- Sorry.
- It's okay.
287
00:18:02,114 --> 00:18:06,107
- Victoria, I know this must be...
- Yeah. It kind of is.
288
00:18:09,955 --> 00:18:13,584
Wow, Ted, you were right.
You shouldn't have told that story.
289
00:18:13,992 --> 00:18:16,927
But you did earn yourself
the right to the end of mine.
290
00:18:17,029 --> 00:18:19,554
We fast-forward eight years
into the future.
291
00:18:19,665 --> 00:18:22,463
Wait, eight years. That's this year.
292
00:18:23,035 --> 00:18:26,266
Marshall, not only is it this year,
it's tonight.
293
00:18:36,415 --> 00:18:37,439
Hi.
294
00:18:39,318 --> 00:18:41,115
- Barney?
- Hi, Shannon.
295
00:18:42,387 --> 00:18:44,719
- What are you doing here?
- Just listen.
296
00:18:44,823 --> 00:18:47,986
When you left me for that guy Greg,
it changed me.
297
00:18:48,327 --> 00:18:50,295
Now, I'm this.
298
00:18:52,164 --> 00:18:55,861
I know this is crazy, it's just,
you were once such a big part of my life,
299
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,436
and it just seemed insane
that you didn't know who I am now.
300
00:18:58,537 --> 00:19:00,869
So, here I am.
301
00:19:02,874 --> 00:19:04,705
BARNEY; And then she told me
about her life,
302
00:19:04,943 --> 00:19:08,140
She and Greg dated for a while,
and then split up.
303
00:19:08,580 --> 00:19:11,481
But here's the real kicker.
Shannon's a mom.
304
00:19:12,150 --> 00:19:14,448
She has a little kid named Max.
305
00:19:14,620 --> 00:19:18,147
That's crazy. That could've been my kid.
306
00:19:19,491 --> 00:19:21,618
But instead, what do I have?
307
00:19:22,027 --> 00:19:25,224
My whole life's some money in the bank,
some suits in my closet,
308
00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:28,060
and a string of one-night stands.
309
00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:31,234
Hey, come on.
310
00:19:31,336 --> 00:19:33,133
I mean, just because her life
went one way,
311
00:19:33,238 --> 00:19:37,038
and yours went another,
doesn't make your life any worse.
312
00:19:38,944 --> 00:19:40,434
My life rocks!
313
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:45,279
Money, suits and sex.
These are tears of joy.
314
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:48,509
I could be cooped up
in some tiny apartment,
315
00:19:48,620 --> 00:19:50,850
changing some brat's poopy diapers,
316
00:19:50,956 --> 00:19:54,722
but instead, I'm out in the world
being awesome 24/7, 365.
317
00:19:54,826 --> 00:19:57,317
You let me dodge a bullet, Big Guy.
318
00:19:57,829 --> 00:20:01,356
Plus, here's the mini-cherry,
on top of the regular cherry,
319
00:20:01,466 --> 00:20:04,060
on top of the sundae of awesomeness
that is my life.
320
00:20:04,169 --> 00:20:06,933
After Shannon and I talked, I nailed her.
321
00:20:08,073 --> 00:20:09,097
- No.
- Yeah.
322
00:20:09,207 --> 00:20:10,231
- No.
- Yeah.
323
00:20:10,342 --> 00:20:12,435
Sorry, don't buy it. You're making it up.
324
00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:15,775
You're just trying to cover the fact
that you actually had a profound moment
325
00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:17,109
of doubt about yourself and...
326
00:20:18,417 --> 00:20:20,647
- Oh, my God.
- SHANNON; Oh, Barney, oh,
327
00:20:20,752 --> 00:20:22,811
Video's pretty good on this phone, huh?
328
00:20:22,921 --> 00:20:24,013
SHANNON; Is your phone on?
329
00:20:24,122 --> 00:20:26,920
BARNEY; Oh, no, it just takes a while
to power down,
330
00:20:27,025 --> 00:20:29,118
Oh, gross. Just stop it.
331
00:20:31,396 --> 00:20:33,626
Ladies, gentlemen, Ted.
332
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,027
This has been a wonderful evening.
333
00:20:37,135 --> 00:20:40,798
I got great dirt on all you guys.
I got Ted to tell the re-return.
334
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:43,841
I finally nailed Shannon!
Told her I'd call her tomorrow.
335
00:20:43,942 --> 00:20:45,341
Yeah, right.
336
00:20:45,877 --> 00:20:49,506
And I rediscovered
just how awesomely awesome my life is.
337
00:20:49,614 --> 00:20:51,309
Peace out, hombres,
338
00:20:55,153 --> 00:20:57,621
I think Barney just won game night.
339
00:20:59,558 --> 00:21:02,823
We spend so much effort
trying to keep parts of our lives hidden,
340
00:21:03,228 --> 00:21:05,162
even from our closest friends
341
00:21:05,263 --> 00:21:07,788
that those rare times
when we do open up,
342
00:21:07,899 --> 00:21:11,391
it's amazing how minor those secrets
all end up seeming,
343
00:21:18,977 --> 00:21:20,342
$100 says when you turn around...
344
00:21:20,445 --> 00:21:23,539
Of course,
not every secret was told that night,
345
00:21:24,750 --> 00:21:27,378
But that's getting ahead of the story,
346
00:21:31,694 --> 00:21:34,694
Resynced by Ameen
27096
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