All language subtitles for S01E14 - Zip, Zip, Zip

When you meet someone
special suddenly life is full of firsts,

The first kiss,

The first night together,

The first weekend together,

For me, all those firsts happened
within 48 hours of meeting Victoria,

They've gotta come out soon. It's Monday.

Do you think they've been in there
the whole time?

I don't know whether to be proud
or concerned.

Maybe they're not even in there.

- Morning.
- Hey, guys.

- I'm just gonna ignore that.
- Thank you.

- I wish you could stay.
- I know. Me, too.

But I have to go to work,
and you have that meeting.

- Call you afterwards?
- I'll inappropriately text you during.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Bye.
- Oh, Victoria. You're here...

Toodle-oo!

Two days straight!

Wow! Your room must smell
like a monkey cage.

Come on, give us a number.
Lily guessed eight,

- but I know my boy got the double digits!
- Zero.

- What?
- What?

Guys, we just met.

And we both screwed up relationships
in the past by jumping in too quick.

So we talked about it
and we decided to take this one slow.

- Her idea.
- Totally her idea!

But I don't know. I'm
really into this girl.

And if going slow is what it takes
to make this happen, I say, bring it on.

I don't feel so good.

It's like my testicles
mixed pop rocks and soda.

I can't believe she's making you wait
a whole month.

I would never put up with that.

You've only had sex with one girl
in your whole life.

Burn!

Ted, the only reason to wait
a month for sex

is if the girl is 17 years, 11 months old.

Good news! I don't have to cover
the cat show tomorrow night.

Who's up for hanging out?

Oh, I can't.
I'm taking Victoria out for dinner.

Oh, we can't.
It's our nine-year anniversary.

Wow! Nine years?
Your relationship's a fourth grader.

- Congrats.
- Thanks.

We're going to the Berkshires
for the maple syrup harvest.

It's one of New York magazine's
top five romantic getaways on a budget.

Who says sexual can't be sensible?

Well, looks like it's gonna be
just you and me.

Really?

Actually, I was talking to my martini.

- Ready to go?
- Hell, yeah.

- Ready to go?
- Hell, yeah.

Nothing better than a weekend
at a good bed-and-breakfast.

Yeah. Waking up for breakfast
at 7:00 a.m. Sharp.

Complimenting the owners
on their collection of needlepoint geese.

Awkward conversations
with middle-aged couples

trying to stave off divorce.

Yeah, well, we'd better get going.
It's like a four-hour drive.

And it's supposed to rain tonight.

- Or we could just stay home.
- Maybe watch some TV?

- Order in some Chinese.
- Szechwan Garden.

- Are we really bailing?
- Hell, yeah.

Good, 'cause this thing's empty.

$100 says
when you turn around I say, "Wow!"

Barney, this is the third time
you've hit on me by accident!

It's one of the many risks
of the blind approach.

It's usually a two-man operation
where Ted signals if the target is hot.

But Ted's too busy
being in a lesbian relationship.

Why don't you just check out
the girl's reflection in the bar mirror?

You can't... Wow!

Hey! What's taking so long?

- I gotta go.
- Not so fast, Scherbatsky.

I like the way you think.
That mirror thing.

Simple. Elegant.

Okay, limited time offer.

I need a bro,
for my bro-ings-on about town.

How would you like to be said bro?

Well, as tempting as that sounds,

I'm hanging out with my friend
who just got dumped.

She really needs some support,
or a stranger's tongue down her throat.

That seems healthy.

All right! Guess I'm in.

So, one more week and it'll be a month.

Really, are you sure? Wow.
That snuck up on me.

Oh, come on!

The 18th can't get here fast enough.

Wait, the 18th?

Oh, crap! I can't believe I forgot this.
I'm gonna be out of town on the 18th.

Oh, well, we can just wait
until you get back.

I mean, the whole point
was not to rush into this.

Yeah. Or we could do it tonight.

75th and Amsterdam.

I'm so glad we decided to just stay home.

Oh, I know. Can you imagine if we'd gone?

We'd be just getting there now,
all tired and cranky.

And yet, we'd feel obligated to have sex.

Yeah, for 89 bucks a night, we're doing it.

I would like to propose a toast

to the most
awesomely mellow anniversary ever.

I'm so glad you have to go
to your parents next weekend.

I'm so glad your roommates
are out of town.

Oh, my God! What are they doing home?

They think we went away.

Oh, it is on for my boy Ted!

But we didn't go away.
We're in the bathroom.

Well, they don't know that.
All we have to do is hide out in here

until Ted moves his mojo
into the bedroom.

But I don't want to hide out in here.

Honey, Ted has been going out of his mind
waiting for this.

If we go out there and spoil the mood,
it's not gonna happen.

Then one of us is gonna
have to have sex with Ted.

And, not gonna be me.

Okay, fine.

I guess I'll actually floss.

You suited up!

Well, I figured if I'm gonna do this,
I'm gonna do this right.

Emilio, the woman will have...

I'll have a Johnnie Walker Blue, neat,

and a Montecristo No. 2. Thanks.

The No. 2. A.k. A the Torpedo.

Or, as the rulers call it, Piramide.

My father was a cigar fanatic.
It was the only way to get his attention.

Father issues. Hot.

I know.
I was this close to being a huge slut.

Slut would have been better.
But I'll settle for bro.

Especially now that Ted's with Victoria
and can't drink.

Because he's pregnant.
'Cause he's the girl.

Oh, come on. Ted can't be pregnant.
You need to have sex to get pregnant.

What up! Freeze frame, high five!

I think this may be a perfect moment.

I think this may be a perfect moment.

- I wish we could hold on to it forever.
- No.

Because the beauty of a moment
is that it's fleeting.

By its very nature,
it slips through our fingers.

Making it that much more precious.

That is bad.

That is like
high-school-literary-magazine bad!

And they're not even high.

And it's actually working.

Yeah, super slowly.
God, close the deal already.

It's been like 45 minutes.
We could've had sex three times by now.

- Yeah, try five!
- What up.

Hey, maybe we should just go out there.

No way! We can't go out there now.

They'll know that we've been
sitting in the bathroom the whole time.

- It'll be too weird.
- Fine.

But if we're stuck in here,
I'm turning up the volume.

I want to know you.

Like, know your soul.

Ted, what makes you cry?

Honey, could you hold my hair back?
I think I'm gonna hurl.

So, what do you and Ted
usually do after the cigar bar?

Are you kidding? Ted's never been here.

You've already flown higher and faster
than he ever did.

- Still.
- What?

There is one other thing we could do.
If you're up for it.

I had no idea laser tag still existed!

Yeah, well, enjoy it
before it becomes cool again.

- I give it two months.
- Oh, I believe it. This is awesome!

Okay, follow my lead, stay low,

and never underestimate
a 12-year-old with a...

Scherbatsky! You gotta focus!

- You just saved my life, didn't you?
- Thank me later.

Let's keep moving.
These little bastards are everywhere.

He's just staring into her eyes!

I don't know. We used to be
even more nauseatingly into each other

than Ted and Victoria. Now look at us.

Yeah, now we just make fun
of people like that.

It's the circle of life.

I'm serious, Marshall.

I mean, we couldn't even get it up
to go on our big trip.

And now we're celebrating our anniversary
stuck in a bathroom.

Well, it's not fair to compare us
to Ted and Victoria.

I mean, this is their first time.

Yeah, but we could still have
some more romance.

Now you just say, "Wanna do it,"
and I say, "Yeah."

- Wanna...
- No!

Maybe we're just out of firsts.

Looks like they're about to have theirs.

Should we take this to the bedroom?

- Yes!
- Yes!

Yes.

- Yes!
- Yes!

No! No, don't answer it.

You can answer it. We have all night.

- You're answering it? He's answering it!
- No! Do her! Do her now!

Sure. Good luck with that.

Sorry about that.

How about a little more wine?

- I'll get another bottle.
- Okay.

I need a drink.
Do we have any cough syrup in here?

- Ambush! Ambush! Ambush!
- Oh, God!

These brats have us
completely surrounded!

I counted nine, maybe ten.

I'll lay down some cover fire.
You make a run for it.

No! Leave no man behind.

Either we all get out of here,
or no one does.

- But, I...
- Don't be a hero, Scherbatsky!

See you on the other side.

Mother!

Damn. Wanna go get a soft pretzel?

- Yeah.
- All right.

Marshall, what happened to us?

I mean, we used to just stare
into each others' eyes all night long.

Have we lost that?

Maybe.

But I think I just found it.

Right here.

Baby, I'm giving you sexy smoldering
with just-a-hint-of-crazy eyes.

Okay, well,
get ready for my sex-ray vision.

Did you remember to pick up
the dry cleaning?

- Oh, damn it!
- It's all right.

- We can do this. We can do this.
- Let's just hold hands.

This is nice.

Yeah.

You love that move!
It's the classic Marshall.

Great. We totally suck at this.

And we really,
really need to get out of here!

Well, we can't.

Baby, there's something I have to do.
And if I do it in front of you,

it'll change the entire nature
of our relationship.

- What is it?
- I have to pee.

This is bad.

We've gone nine years
without peeing in front of each other.

You always think there'll be more time.

Look at us.

We're basically an old married couple
and we're not even married yet.

The flame of our romance is flickering

and if I pee all over it,
it might go out forever!

How much longer do you think
you can hold it?

I drank a Big Gulp of Mountain Dew
during that Quantum Leap marathon.

Oh, boy.

Playing laser tag really takes me back.

And you know what game I really miss?
Battleship. I've never lost a game.

- Neither have I. Of course, I cheat.
- Oh, yeah. Me, too.

The trick is to bend the aircraft carrier
so it makes an "L."

I always just stacked the ships
on top of each other.

Nice! You know,
we should have a cheaters grudge match.

I think I still have a...

Hello. Target acquired.
Hottie by the jukebox.

Oh, good eye, Scherbatsky.

I got someone for you. Two o' clock.
Blue shirt.

That's a woman.

Oh, my mistake. Or is it?

- Let's just focus on your target.
- Right.

There. I got this one.

Oh, my God! I love your jeans!

Okay, is this a lesbian bar? Because
that girl with the blue shirt just...

Oh, no. I am all about the dudes.

Although, pickings are pretty slim tonight.

Only hot guy here is blondie in the suit,
and he's playing hard to get.

Really?
'Cause he's totally vibing me right now.

Must be the jeans.

Well, jeans will only get you so far.
I'm going home with him.

We'll see about that.

Oh, my God, I hate Ted!
I hate him so much!

Baby, why don't you just go?

Tons of other couples have
peed in front of each other.

I know, but we haven't

because I want to keep
some of the mystery alive.

- Well, you have farted in front of me.
- Yes, but I always cover it with a cough.

You always do.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Let's get outta here.
Let's go somewhere else.

Well, what happened?

Sometimes I like to do
a little catch-and-release.

- But why?
- Leave no man behind.

Either we all score, or no one scores.

Right on.

- Hey, you wanna go play Battleship?
- Hit!

Ted, I can't wait any longer.

- Should we move to the bedroom?
- There's no time for that.

So, they can suck on each others' fingers
for an hour,

but there's no time
to take two steps to the bedroom?

Baby, I can't hold it in any longer!
It's time!

I know.

- I love you, Marshall.
- I love you, Lily.

Here we go.

You know, Barney, I had a surprisingly
good time bro-ing out tonight.

Well, you make a good bro.
You're a better Ted than Ted.

Hey, in fact, you have just earned yourself
an invite to Marshall's bachelor party.

And you don't even have
to come out of the cake.

Thanks. And thanks
for sticking around tonight.

I hope you're ready
for some hardcore Battleship.

Come on, boys.

"Hardcore"? That's the only way I play.

Oh, I found it. Are you ready to...
What the hell are you doing?

I'm birthday-suiting up. I'm sorry.
Did you want to undress me?

No! I thought we were
just hanging out as friends!

Oh, come on! You have been
throwing yourself at me all night!

What? I did the opposite!
I threw some other girl at you!

You invited me up to your apartment
to "play Battleship"!

Is that not an internationally
recognized term for sex?

No!

Great.

I hope you're happy.
You sunk my battleship.

I'm okay. Are you okay?

I feel the same.
And, yet, strangely different.

Yeah, I'm happy for my bladder,
yet sad for us.

Look, you had to do it, sweetie. For Ted.

And, hey, look, at least now
we can stay in here as long as it takes.

Yeah, I guess our relationship
had to take a hit,

so a new one out there could blossom.

Oh, crap!

They must've heard that.

Well, I guess we can come out now.

I don't believe it, they're gone.

Good. 'Cause I gotta take a whiz.

Okay. You and me? That's insane.

If you even thought about it
for one second...

But I have thought about it for
three seconds, and it makes a lot of sense.

We both think
the marriage-commitment thing's a drag.

We both want something casual and fun.
And we clearly get along really well.

Wow, that actually did make
a lot of sense.

- But what about Ted?
- I checked with Ted.

Hey, Ted. So now that things
with you and Victoria are going pretty well

I assume you're probably over
all the girls you were into before, right?

I take your silence as a yes,
so, ergo, therefore,

say I were to hook up with someone,
say, I don't know, Robin,

- you'd be cool with that, right?
- Sure, good luck with that.

Totally gave us his blessing.

- Really?
- Really.

So, Ted didn't care
that you wanted to make a move on me?

Didn't care at all.

- What?
- You like Ted!

- I didn't say that I liked Ted, I...
- You like Ted!

Wow! This is huge.

Barney, I don't like Ted.
He's moved on and I'm really happy for...

Yeah, yeah. Look, are we gonna
play Battleship or what?

You're not gonna tell him, are you?

No. That's the bro code.

A bro doesn't tell a mutual bro
that a third bro has a crush on him.

Just like the third bro
doesn't tell the mutual bro

that the original bro
went bare pickle in front of her.

It's quid pro bro.

A7.

- Miss.
- Of course.

Well, we still have one frontier left.
Still got the deuce.

You're not making me feel better.

Well, it certainly was a first.

It was, wasn't it?

- We still have firsts.
- Of course we do.

And you know what?
I actually feel closer to you now.

I wanna know you.

Like, know your soul.

Marshall, what makes you cry?

This moment is fleeting

because it's being chased
by another moment.

Oh, just grab my boob already!

Come on, guys. Get a room.

Resynced by Ameen