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Denver,
give it up for Andrew Santino!
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Yeah! Come on!
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Yeah!
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Denver, Colorado, thank you!
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Yeah.
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Oh!
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You guys, the best.
Thank you for coming out.
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I'm glad to do it here.
I wanted to do it in Denver.
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I wanted to do it before, uh…
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But, uh, China had other plans, and…
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Little 'Roney hiccup.
We had a little hiccup for the Ronies.
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I got it, and then I got the vaccine.
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I had friends that were like,
"Dude, you already had it."
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"You don't need to get the vaccine."
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And I was like, all right, I understand
what you're saying, but they just
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I wanted to hear out the antivaxxers.
I wanted to hear what they had to say.
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I'm a contrarian.
Let me hear what they got to say.
18
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But their PR was terrible.
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They had, like, one meeting and were like,
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"You don't know what's in it."
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That's not going to work.
I had a bratwurst three days ago.
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I've never known what's in those things.
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Have you ever
known what's in those things?
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What are you talking about.
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"Don't know what's in it,"
is the most fun phrase.
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We used to do ecstasy
in high school all the time.
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Yeah, not Molly.
Not that pussy shit you guys do today.
28
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We did Drano, dude, we did Drano drips.
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I'm glad it's… I'm glad
I'm done with it, dude, it's nuts.
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My dad, dude,
my dad got it and didn't tell anybody.
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And then went to the ER,
didn't tell anybody.
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Got out, and then gave me a ring.
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I swear to God, he called up, he was like,
"Hey, just got out of the hospital."
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I was like, "Are you okay? Did you fall?"
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Because at certain ages,
they just fall a lot.
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He's like, "Nah, 'Rona."
I was like, "Oh my God!"
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"Are you okay?"
He's like, "Dude, in and out."
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"Five days, in and out.
Knocked it right out."
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Like, that's a work week.
That's a long time
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to be in the ER.
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He was like, "No big deal, though."
I was like, "Were you on a ventilator?"
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He's like, "No! At night, they gave
me a breathing thing and I was fine."
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I was
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I talked to my buddy who works in the ER.
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I was like, "Yeah, he didn't
want to tell anybody he got sick."
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He's like, "Yeah, that's a thing.
His generation, their ego, their pride,
47
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they don't want
to admit that they got it."
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He's like, "But he shouldn't feel bad."
49
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"There's so much more weird shit
that goes on in the ER."
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00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:08,438
And I'm like, "I know. I bet.
Tell me. I want to hear it."
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He's like, "I can't, dude.
It's like, doctor-patient privileges,
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and it's unprofessional.
It's kind of unethical."
53
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And I was like, "I've gotten
high with you between shifts."
54
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So, let me know. You know what I mean?
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He goes…
56
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He goes, "All right. One time, this guy,
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him and his girlfriend
were playing with sex toys,
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and they were using
them on each other, having a good time."
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"They had this thing
called the Screaming Bullet,
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just a little tiny vibrator,
and they were using it."
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"And then she decided
to flip the script, use it on him,
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change it up, change up
the batting order, we'll see who's next."
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"So she's using it on him,
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and I don't know if
the tides were strong that day,
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or the moon was in retrograde or whatever,
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but it just
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"got sucked up inside of his ass."
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00:04:00,823 --> 00:04:03,326
"Yeah, his ass was like,
'Give me that vibrator!'"
69
00:04:04,827 --> 00:04:07,413
Like when you used to lose
a cassette tape in the deck of the car
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00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:09,082
and you're like, "No, no, no, no!"
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It's never coming out.
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And your car would tease you,
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it'd spit it back out,
but suck it in and go, "Bleh-eh."
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"Bleh-eh."
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00:04:24,764 --> 00:04:27,976
So this poor gentleman had
a little mini-vibrator in his butt,
76
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just banging off the walls.
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Like Brick Breaker, just like,
"Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop."
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And they couldn't
get it out of this poor fella.
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And so this gentleman had to go
to the ER where my buddy works at.
80
00:04:42,365 --> 00:04:44,742
This guy went to the ER. Yeah.
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Instead of killing himself,
he went into the ER.
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Instead of obviously…
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No way am I going to the ER!
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People are saying
goodbye to their loved ones.
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People are like, "Nana, don't go.
We're going to miss you, Nana."
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And you got to walk by like…
87
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"Sir, sit down."
88
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"It's way worse if I sit down!"
89
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"It'll echo through the halls."
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I'm weary of
the medical profession to begin with.
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Do I have any doctor fans?
Raise your hand if you're a doctor.
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No way!
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Blown away.
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I'm just weary of the medical profession.
I appreciate everything you guys do.
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I just think sometimes, you know,
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sometimes you're just
fucking with us a little bit.
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Like, you know the phrase,
"He'll never walk again"?
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You've all heard that.
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Everyone in here has heard,
"Oh, he'll never walk again."
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What ends up happening?
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Walks again!
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Walks again every...
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Has never not walked again.
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Has always walked again.
105
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And here I was, stoned at,
like, three in the morning watching TV,
106
00:06:10,995 --> 00:06:13,247
and they threw on
one of those sad commercials
107
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that's like a two-minute commercial with,
like, a dog or a veteran or an old person
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to just get you really
riled up at night for some reason.
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And I'm stoned,
and they throw this dude on the TV,
110
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and it zoomed in on his face,
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and he goes,
"They told me I would never walk again."
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"Well, look at me now."
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And I was like, "Please don't show it."
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Look, all respect,
but I know what it looks like,
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and I don't want to see it while I'm high.
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'Cause I'm gonna laugh.
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I'm sorry. I'm gonna laugh.
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So don't show it.
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And, of course, he goes, "Look at me now."
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And they zoom out,
and there he is on the parallel bars,
121
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and they've got this poor guy
baby-deering to the camera.
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Like a marionette.
123
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And I'm losing it.
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I'm dying laughing,
and I feel like a bad person,
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but I didn't need to see it.
I don't need proof.
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No one wants you to prove it.
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I believe you.
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Good. Good for you.
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They would never show it
if it was the other way.
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They would never go,
"They told me I'd never walk again…
131
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And, boy, were they right."
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No.
133
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No.
134
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Because going to the doctor
is scary enough.
135
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It's already scary to hear
these other phrases. It's scary. You know?
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00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:52,805
My dad had prostate cancer,
and then it freaked everyone else.
137
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Like, "Oh my God. I gotta go
get an exam. I gotta go get checked out."
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You know?
139
00:07:56,559 --> 00:07:59,937
And so I went. I had to go check it out,
go see what's going on in there.
140
00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:03,608
And there's no way to prepare you
for a prostate exam as a guy.
141
00:08:03,691 --> 00:08:04,525
There's not.
142
00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:06,777
There's some guys out there
that go, "I know a trick."
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You're like, "Well…".
144
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It's different than you think.
145
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For the first time in my life,
when I went to get a prostate exam,
146
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I kind of understood
what it might be like to be a woman,
147
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to hook up
with someone for the first time.
148
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I did. A little bit, ladies.
149
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Like, I got it a little bit.
150
00:08:24,962 --> 00:08:26,964
Because I was in this cold,
uncomfortable room
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with no art on the walls. It was…
152
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Very well-lit for some reason.
153
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I was just in there alone.
154
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And then he just pops in,
real confident and brazen and
155
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he just goes, "Take your clothes off."
And I was like, "Oh my God."
156
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"You don't wanna chat or nothing?"
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So I do.
158
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And then he goes, "Bend over the table."
159
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And at that point,
I was like, "Ooh, you're naughty."
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I bend over this table,
161
00:09:00,289 --> 00:09:04,126
and I hear him applying just
an absurd amount of lube to his finger.
162
00:09:05,253 --> 00:09:08,256
Like a first-timer, like a rookie,
just layering it up.
163
00:09:10,716 --> 00:09:12,260
And I gotta tell you something,
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he goes right in.
165
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They go right in.
166
00:09:16,430 --> 00:09:19,517
They go right in there, dude,
they don't give you a countdown.
167
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There's no warning.
168
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:23,896
There's no, like,
"A-one and a-two and a right in the poo."
169
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No.
170
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:28,359
No.
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He slides right in there
and jams himself into you.
172
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And, girls, he doesn't care
about how I feel about it at all.
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Just having his way with me.
174
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And he's in there,
and he literally goes, "Do you feel that?"
175
00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,590
And I was like,
"Show me the guy that said no."
176
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Let me meet the gentleman
that was like, "No, I don't feel a thing."
177
00:09:56,178 --> 00:09:58,778
"Why don't you throw another
digit in there and see what happens?"
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00:10:01,642 --> 00:10:03,561
Yeah, I felt every piece of it.
179
00:10:04,979 --> 00:10:07,231
And he just had his way.
Didn't care about me at all.
180
00:10:07,315 --> 00:10:10,109
Just did his thing.
And then, out of nowhere
181
00:10:10,192 --> 00:10:11,819
took his finger out,
182
00:10:11,902 --> 00:10:13,988
takes off the rubber,
and goes, "I'm good."
183
00:10:14,071 --> 00:10:15,197
And he leaves.
184
00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:19,160
Ladies, he leaves me there.
185
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:22,830
I've got my pants on my ankles,
I'm shivering,
186
00:10:23,831 --> 00:10:26,626
I've got lube dripping out
of my asshole onto my jeans.
187
00:10:28,377 --> 00:10:31,005
I'm scared like a little kid
that's been left at an amusement park
188
00:10:31,088 --> 00:10:32,298
without his parents.
189
00:10:33,424 --> 00:10:35,176
He didn't get anything to help me wipe up.
190
00:10:35,259 --> 00:10:37,887
I have to go across
the room with my pants on my ankles
191
00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:41,349
just to get paper towels
so I can wipe front to back.
192
00:10:41,432 --> 00:10:42,725
It was embarrassing.
193
00:10:43,809 --> 00:10:46,604
And he never called,
the asshole never called.
194
00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:49,230
Pig.
195
00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:51,609
He was a pig.
196
00:10:57,907 --> 00:11:02,703
I thought… Look, I thought I was going
to be prepared for the prostate exam,
197
00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:05,331
because I'm going to admit
something to you guys, all right?
198
00:11:05,414 --> 00:11:08,042
Sometimes, when I masturbate,
199
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:11,420
I like to tickle my butthole
with my free hand.
200
00:11:12,963 --> 00:11:14,006
Yeah.
201
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:18,469
But that phrase, um, used to scare me.
202
00:11:18,552 --> 00:11:21,180
I used to lose sleep
at night over that phrase.
203
00:11:21,263 --> 00:11:24,558
Yeah, I can't believe I admitted it now,
because for years, I was scared.
204
00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:26,352
Every time I would do it, I'd be done
205
00:11:26,435 --> 00:11:30,022
and just walk around my house being like,
"You're a bad guy. You're a bad…".
206
00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:32,666
"They're going to get you, man.
You're going to prison for that."
207
00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:38,322
But, yeah. So I tickle
my butthole with my hand.
208
00:11:39,448 --> 00:11:41,510
Big deal. But I used to be
scared about it. Used to...
209
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:44,453
Dude, Catholicism got
so deep in my head as a kid,
210
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,706
I thought that I was
going to hell because of it.
211
00:11:46,789 --> 00:11:50,668
I was scared, dude,
that people were one day going to find out
212
00:11:50,751 --> 00:11:53,838
that when I masturbate,
I put a finger inside of my butt.
213
00:11:56,340 --> 00:11:58,718
How crazy to be scared of that thought?
214
00:11:58,801 --> 00:11:59,802
Who cares?
215
00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:02,096
Every woman I ever dated,
216
00:12:02,179 --> 00:12:04,181
every girl I ever started
to have feelings for,
217
00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:07,560
I was like, "Oh, she's going to know.
She's going to find out somehow."
218
00:12:07,643 --> 00:12:09,186
"She's going to catch me doing it,
219
00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:11,480
or I'm going to have to
admit it to her at some point."
220
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:13,875
"She's finally going to have
to come to grips with the fact
221
00:12:13,899 --> 00:12:16,902
that when I masturbate,
I put a couple fingers inside of my ass."
222
00:12:22,366 --> 00:12:24,034
But I don't care anymore.
223
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:26,245
Tell everybody you know!
224
00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:30,458
Ten people. Tell ten people.
225
00:12:30,541 --> 00:12:32,293
Tell ten people, spread the word.
226
00:12:32,376 --> 00:12:33,753
Let the world know.
227
00:12:33,836 --> 00:12:36,255
Andrew Santino
fists himself when he jerks off.
228
00:12:40,968 --> 00:12:42,178
This one.
229
00:12:47,516 --> 00:12:50,019
I think it's a good thing
230
00:12:50,102 --> 00:12:54,315
that we can come to grips
with our own sexual deviance,
231
00:12:54,398 --> 00:12:56,317
with your own likes.
That's what you're allowed.
232
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:59,320
You should be allowed to feel
whatever you want to feel, man.
233
00:12:59,403 --> 00:13:00,946
Good thing we're entering a new time
234
00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:03,532
when people can feel comfortable
being who they really are,
235
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:05,451
because we couldn't do that
when I was a kid.
236
00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:09,747
You couldn't. When I was a kid,
you couldn't do any of that stuff.
237
00:13:09,830 --> 00:13:13,626
If you grew up in the '80s and '90s,
if you did anything non-masculine,
238
00:13:13,709 --> 00:13:16,253
if you did anything
remotely non-masculine as a dude,
239
00:13:16,337 --> 00:13:18,380
the whole neighborhood was like, "Fag!"
240
00:13:19,256 --> 00:13:21,467
"Ha-ha! Santino's a fag!"
241
00:13:22,676 --> 00:13:24,595
And I'd be like, "I'm hugging my dad."
242
00:13:27,097 --> 00:13:29,850
They'd be like,
"Okay, fag. Suck his dick, dude."
243
00:13:32,561 --> 00:13:34,897
"You heard what he said, Pops.
We got to do it."
244
00:13:40,194 --> 00:13:42,363
It was crazy. That's crazy.
245
00:13:44,532 --> 00:13:46,867
I don't care about the judgment anymore.
246
00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:49,995
Because you don't know what other people
like and don't like. You know?
247
00:13:50,079 --> 00:13:52,665
You don't know.
Who are you to judge other people?
248
00:13:52,748 --> 00:13:54,124
Jesus was gay.
249
00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:04,301
Tell me Jesus wasn't gay.
250
00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:10,099
I watched a whole documentary on this guy,
the whole time I was like, "Damn!"
251
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:14,603
It was wild. He was beautiful.
252
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:18,107
He was so hot, this guy. Just jacked.
253
00:14:19,149 --> 00:14:23,571
Like an eight-pack, skinny,
beautiful long, straight hair.
254
00:14:23,654 --> 00:14:25,114
Never fucked girls.
255
00:14:26,991 --> 00:14:28,701
What are you talking about, dude?
256
00:14:29,952 --> 00:14:32,913
He could have had anybody in town.
Have you seen his competition?
257
00:14:32,997 --> 00:14:35,040
Have you seen anybody
from that time period?
258
00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:36,750
Horrific creatures.
259
00:14:37,918 --> 00:14:40,598
Everybody walking around like…
"Hello, Jesus."
260
00:14:48,762 --> 00:14:51,015
They all had ailments he had to fix.
261
00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:54,685
No, but instead the guy washed dude's feet
262
00:14:54,768 --> 00:14:57,438
and got followed around
by 12 dudes all day long.
263
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,317
All his magic was gay.
264
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,235
All his magic was gay.
265
00:15:04,486 --> 00:15:07,489
A straight dude would be like,
"Do you want to see me cannonball
266
00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:09,700
into this lake and make
all the water come out of it?"
267
00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:13,078
And he was like, "Do you want
to see me tiptoe across a pond?"
268
00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:21,962
Even the way he died,
they had him up there.
269
00:15:22,046 --> 00:15:25,549
A straight dude would be like,
"I died doing what I love, man."
270
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:27,635
And he was like, "Oh, I'll be back."
271
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:31,722
"Wait till my daddy hears about this."
272
00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:40,731
He was like, "I can change water."
273
00:15:40,814 --> 00:15:43,484
Everyone's like, "Make beer!"
He's like, "What about Pinot noir?"
274
00:15:49,114 --> 00:15:51,283
Tell me this isn't
the gayest phrase you've ever heard.
275
00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:53,285
"What if we do, like, a Last Supper?"
276
00:15:56,705 --> 00:15:59,959
"We'll have that boy from town paint us.
You know, the one with a bad eye."
277
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:04,338
And I don't care if he was,
278
00:16:04,421 --> 00:16:06,256
I'm not saying it
with negative connotation.
279
00:16:06,757 --> 00:16:10,135
I'm just saying, who cares?
Mind your own business. Aren't you full?
280
00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:13,305
Why are we caring so much about what
other people do with their personal time?
281
00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:16,934
Don't you got enough shit going on
to care about other people's stuff?
282
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,270
Mind your own business.
283
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:22,898
Do you remember that?
We used to do it all the time.
284
00:16:24,149 --> 00:16:25,442
I remember being a teenager
285
00:16:25,526 --> 00:16:27,361
and I watch a guy
get robbed on the subway.
286
00:16:27,444 --> 00:16:29,446
He was like, "Help."
And I was like, "No, no, no."
287
00:16:30,614 --> 00:16:33,283
I got, like, two stops left.
That's insane. I'm not gonna help you.
288
00:16:35,119 --> 00:16:38,664
We used to do it a lot. You know?
It was something my mom taught me.
289
00:16:38,747 --> 00:16:40,624
For a while, she was a single mother.
290
00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:43,669
You know, and we weren't poor,
but she would let us steal.
291
00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:44,837
You understand?
292
00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:47,214
I don't know if you had that, but…
293
00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:50,092
If it looked good enough, she'd be like,
294
00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:53,178
"Take it, take it, take it,
take it, take it, take it now. Take it."
295
00:16:53,262 --> 00:16:54,722
"Put it in your pocket and take it."
296
00:16:57,349 --> 00:17:00,185
And we get caught, you know?
And she was such a good actor.
297
00:17:00,269 --> 00:17:01,979
She'd be like, "Andrew!"
298
00:17:02,062 --> 00:17:04,940
"I am so sorry. Andrew! Get over here."
299
00:17:05,482 --> 00:17:07,317
And then we'd get
out of earshot and she'd be,
300
00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:09,570
"You gotta hide it better, buddy.
You know that."
301
00:17:09,653 --> 00:17:11,321
"You gotta hide it a little bit better."
302
00:17:14,199 --> 00:17:16,410
And we never spoke
about this for some reason, ever.
303
00:17:16,493 --> 00:17:17,533
We never spoke about this,
304
00:17:17,578 --> 00:17:20,218
but at my grocery store as a kid,
there were these plexiglass bins,
305
00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:22,416
and in them they'd have
nuts and candy and chocolate,
306
00:17:22,499 --> 00:17:23,834
and you could weigh by the pound.
307
00:17:23,917 --> 00:17:26,104
Don't know if you had that,
but you'd get your groceries
308
00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:28,088
and you'd weigh
by the pound whatever you got.
309
00:17:28,172 --> 00:17:30,591
And we never
spoke about this one time, ever.
310
00:17:30,674 --> 00:17:31,717
Even until this day.
311
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,969
We joked about it
when she saw me do this joke.
312
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:36,221
She used to stand in front of the bins,
313
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:38,432
lift up the smallest one to the ground,
314
00:17:38,515 --> 00:17:41,685
and just stand guard
and let me go to town.
315
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:46,190
And I'd just shovel candy
in my little orangutan face.
316
00:17:51,361 --> 00:17:53,572
And when I was done,
we wouldn't say anything.
317
00:17:53,655 --> 00:17:55,824
I would tap on her thigh,
and she would close it,
318
00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:57,159
and we'd walk away.
319
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:04,958
And one time,
this guy came down the aisle,
320
00:18:05,042 --> 00:18:06,835
this rat, this snitch.
321
00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:12,091
He came down the aisle and he goes,
"Hey, you have to pay for that."
322
00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:14,593
And as smoothly
as I've ever seen my mother,
323
00:18:14,676 --> 00:18:16,970
simultaneously close
and call out, she goes,
324
00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:19,264
"Mind your own fucking business!"
325
00:18:20,891 --> 00:18:22,017
And he did.
326
00:18:28,857 --> 00:18:31,026
This guy, he fucked right off.
It was great.
327
00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:34,363
He was like, "Oh yeah, I'm an asshole.
I should get out of here."
328
00:18:34,446 --> 00:18:35,447
"That's a child."
329
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,918
Yeah, you got to
mind your own business, dude.
330
00:18:40,994 --> 00:18:42,663
Pay attention to your own life.
331
00:18:42,746 --> 00:18:45,874
You got your own thing going on.
The world is collapsing as we speak, dude.
332
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,584
Have fun. It's over.
333
00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:50,504
It's over, dude.
334
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:53,966
It's 156 in LA right now.
335
00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:58,762
Look, I know global warming's real.
336
00:18:58,846 --> 00:19:00,013
I know it's real.
337
00:19:00,097 --> 00:19:02,808
There is no question in my mind.
338
00:19:03,433 --> 00:19:04,935
But also,
339
00:19:06,353 --> 00:19:07,688
it's pretty impressive.
340
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:11,608
It's pretty impressive
that this thing's been around
341
00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:13,861
for four and a half billion years.
342
00:19:13,944 --> 00:19:17,156
We've been around
for 6,000 for civilization,
343
00:19:17,239 --> 00:19:19,199
200,000 as a race,
344
00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:20,576
and we broke it.
345
00:19:22,494 --> 00:19:24,246
That's pretty rock and roll, dude.
346
00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:28,709
You're a pussy-ass Earth, is what it is.
347
00:19:32,212 --> 00:19:34,047
It's sad. It's disgusting.
348
00:19:34,715 --> 00:19:36,967
No, it's… it's awful. It's awful.
349
00:19:37,050 --> 00:19:39,052
But I also don't want
to be yelled at about it,
350
00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:40,888
because it's such a massive problem
351
00:19:40,971 --> 00:19:45,726
that you're like, "Why are you yelling
at me about the globe heating up?"
352
00:19:46,810 --> 00:19:47,895
That's crazy.
353
00:19:47,978 --> 00:19:51,231
I'm not the one that dumped
millions of gallons into the ocean of oil.
354
00:19:51,315 --> 00:19:53,609
I didn't do any of that stuff.
Why are you yelling at me?
355
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:55,986
I don't like that.
Don't yell at me, all right?
356
00:19:56,069 --> 00:19:58,071
Like, they sent that kid out,
Greta Thunberg,
357
00:19:58,155 --> 00:19:59,865
they sent a child to yell at us.
358
00:20:00,908 --> 00:20:04,620
They sent a child to yell at you,
and you took it. All of you just took it.
359
00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:08,999
And I'll say, this, dude,
good on that little girl for having,
360
00:20:09,082 --> 00:20:13,754
like, the bravery and the confidence
to stand up for something she believes in,
361
00:20:13,837 --> 00:20:16,298
for her generation,
something that she really cares about,
362
00:20:16,381 --> 00:20:19,218
and to talk to adults like that about
something she's passionate about.
363
00:20:19,301 --> 00:20:21,511
Like, good for that kid, dude.
That's impressive.
364
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:27,392
But also, shut up,
you little asshole. Fucking…
365
00:20:30,437 --> 00:20:34,233
You never paid a mortgage, you dick.
You don't know how hard this is.
366
00:20:34,316 --> 00:20:37,444
You never got a parking ticket
when you got 19 bucks left to your name.
367
00:20:37,527 --> 00:20:38,570
Shut up.
368
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:41,823
Also, I know she's from Sweden,
369
00:20:41,907 --> 00:20:44,785
but I didn't like
that little Nazi twang in her voice.
370
00:20:46,703 --> 00:20:47,746
You heard it.
371
00:20:49,498 --> 00:20:50,958
When she was like, "Shame on you!"
372
00:20:51,041 --> 00:20:55,379
You're like, "Hey, hey, hey. What is that?
Is that Nazi shit? What was that?"
373
00:20:58,298 --> 00:21:01,134
Don't yell at me about shit
I can't control, that's the thing.
374
00:21:01,218 --> 00:21:02,511
I can't control that.
375
00:21:02,594 --> 00:21:04,930
Why are you yelling at me
about something I can't control?
376
00:21:05,013 --> 00:21:06,139
And they bully us about it.
377
00:21:06,223 --> 00:21:08,642
They took away straws in California.
378
00:21:08,725 --> 00:21:11,311
They made them illegal
in some states to serve. It's insane.
379
00:21:11,395 --> 00:21:14,898
And they took them away
and we were like, "All right, I guess."
380
00:21:14,982 --> 00:21:16,525
No one asked for proof.
381
00:21:17,025 --> 00:21:18,819
No one was like, "Why are you doing this?"
382
00:21:18,902 --> 00:21:21,738
And they threw away,
they go, "Uh, turtles. Turtles are dying."
383
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:25,784
And we just were like,
"Oh, okay. Seems reasonable."
384
00:21:26,576 --> 00:21:27,577
Does it?
385
00:21:28,328 --> 00:21:29,413
Where?
386
00:21:30,038 --> 00:21:31,915
Where are all these turtles?
387
00:21:32,666 --> 00:21:35,210
I'm almost 40,
I've seen six turtles my whole life.
388
00:21:36,628 --> 00:21:40,924
You're telling me millions of turtles are
dying with straws lodged in their heads?
389
00:21:41,008 --> 00:21:42,843
Where? Show me the shells.
390
00:21:42,926 --> 00:21:46,680
Show me the shells…
and I'll stop using them.
391
00:21:46,763 --> 00:21:47,848
I don't buy it.
392
00:21:49,349 --> 00:21:51,018
I'm not a smart man,
393
00:21:52,561 --> 00:21:54,646
but that math does not add up.
394
00:21:56,148 --> 00:21:58,191
The physics on that is crazy.
395
00:21:59,109 --> 00:22:00,485
Ocean, big.
396
00:22:01,737 --> 00:22:03,030
Ocean, big.
397
00:22:04,448 --> 00:22:05,615
Big ocean, yeah?
398
00:22:06,908 --> 00:22:08,618
Ocean big, straw float.
399
00:22:10,704 --> 00:22:11,955
Turtle move.
400
00:22:12,956 --> 00:22:15,167
Tied strong and ocean big.
401
00:22:16,793 --> 00:22:20,630
Ocean big, turtle move,
tide strong, straw float.
402
00:22:22,090 --> 00:22:25,677
You're telling me all
these elements line up perfectly
403
00:22:25,761 --> 00:22:29,222
for a straw to get in
a less-than-five-millimeter hole, gah,
404
00:22:29,306 --> 00:22:30,474
in a turtle's head?
405
00:22:31,975 --> 00:22:33,727
That's like me flicking a Q-tip in the air
406
00:22:33,810 --> 00:22:35,645
and catching it in the tip of my penis.
407
00:22:43,487 --> 00:22:44,404
I don't know.
408
00:22:44,488 --> 00:22:47,368
Look, again, I believe it's real.
I just know it's white people problems.
409
00:22:47,407 --> 00:22:48,533
Whites did this.
410
00:22:49,242 --> 00:22:50,952
The whites are at it again.
411
00:22:53,622 --> 00:22:55,808
They are. White people
want something to complain about.
412
00:22:55,832 --> 00:22:57,592
Their lives are
pretty easy, so they're like,
413
00:22:57,667 --> 00:22:59,336
"I gotta get mad about something."
414
00:23:00,962 --> 00:23:04,132
Black people, for years have been,
"The police are killing us."
415
00:23:04,216 --> 00:23:05,616
We've been like, "All right, Jamal,
416
00:23:05,675 --> 00:23:07,636
we're thinking about
the polar bears right now."
417
00:23:08,178 --> 00:23:09,429
"Cool it out, pal."
418
00:23:11,723 --> 00:23:14,226
Thinking about a bear
that lives thousands of miles away,
419
00:23:14,309 --> 00:23:16,789
and you care more about that
than humans that live amongst you?
420
00:23:16,853 --> 00:23:19,022
That's not crazy? That's crazy shit.
421
00:23:19,689 --> 00:23:22,109
That's fucked up. We're fucked up, man.
422
00:23:22,776 --> 00:23:25,195
And the only reason
you like that bear is because it's white.
423
00:23:25,278 --> 00:23:26,905
That's the only reason.
424
00:23:28,281 --> 00:23:30,283
That's the only reason, dude.
425
00:23:31,785 --> 00:23:33,620
What about brown and black bears?
426
00:23:33,703 --> 00:23:35,539
You guys are like,
"Those are dirty bears."
427
00:23:36,623 --> 00:23:39,584
"They live close to the city.
They're bad bears."
428
00:23:40,752 --> 00:23:42,963
"And they steal. They steal."
429
00:23:44,381 --> 00:23:45,715
"From picnickers…
430
00:23:46,425 --> 00:23:48,969
Or picnickas,
I don't know if you can say it now."
431
00:23:51,054 --> 00:23:52,055
But.
432
00:23:54,057 --> 00:23:55,142
I don't know.
433
00:23:59,312 --> 00:24:01,940
No, it's crazy. It's crazy.
434
00:24:03,608 --> 00:24:06,862
It's nuts. Look, maybe
polar bears got to go. I don't know.
435
00:24:07,988 --> 00:24:11,283
We've never done this before.
This is our first time doing this thing.
436
00:24:11,366 --> 00:24:14,486
Thousands of species have come and gone.
Maybe it's time for polar bears to go.
437
00:24:14,536 --> 00:24:17,616
Maybe the universe is like, "Polar bear.
Ya gotta go. Ya gotta go."
438
00:24:17,664 --> 00:24:19,541
"Wrap it up. You got to go."
439
00:24:19,624 --> 00:24:21,918
"We got something else coming in, dude."
440
00:24:22,002 --> 00:24:23,462
Remember dinosaurs?
441
00:24:24,421 --> 00:24:26,298
Pretty good thing
they're not around anymore.
442
00:24:27,299 --> 00:24:29,539
Otherwise, you'd leave
the show tonight like, "Fun show."
443
00:24:29,593 --> 00:24:31,011
"Yeah, good time." "Great time."
444
00:24:31,094 --> 00:24:32,374
"All right, you guys."
"Goodbye."
445
00:24:32,429 --> 00:24:34,556
"Go, go, go, go, go, go."
446
00:24:34,639 --> 00:24:36,475
"Get in! Get in!"
447
00:24:37,309 --> 00:24:38,351
Every day.
448
00:24:46,109 --> 00:24:47,486
Look, I know it's real.
449
00:24:47,569 --> 00:24:50,780
I know global warming is real.
I'm just saying it's not my fault.
450
00:24:51,323 --> 00:24:53,700
I didn't do all of it,
so stop giving me all the blame.
451
00:24:53,783 --> 00:24:56,161
Meanwhile, politicians,
they keep doing this stuff to us
452
00:24:56,244 --> 00:24:58,455
because they want us
to hate each other, get distracted.
453
00:24:58,538 --> 00:25:00,123
They get away with everything.
454
00:25:00,207 --> 00:25:02,667
We don't scrutinize them for shit.
455
00:25:02,751 --> 00:25:05,045
We get yelled at,
they take no responsibility
456
00:25:05,128 --> 00:25:06,546
for the stuff that they cause.
457
00:25:06,630 --> 00:25:08,256
Where is Joe Biden?
458
00:25:10,675 --> 00:25:12,177
Where is that guy?
459
00:25:14,346 --> 00:25:17,390
That was the craziest thing on Earth.
We got bamboozled.
460
00:25:19,226 --> 00:25:22,395
And when I talk shit about Joe Biden,
particularly living in LA,
461
00:25:22,479 --> 00:25:26,483
immediately, everyone where I live
acts like they jumped into a cold pool.
462
00:25:26,566 --> 00:25:29,611
They're like…
463
00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:33,573
They can't believe… I would mock the dude.
464
00:25:34,741 --> 00:25:36,993
But he stinks! And here's the deal.
465
00:25:37,994 --> 00:25:40,372
Here's the deal. You got tricked.
466
00:25:40,455 --> 00:25:42,582
Admit that you got tricked.
467
00:25:42,666 --> 00:25:45,377
You got a white for a white. Bad trade.
468
00:25:47,671 --> 00:25:48,922
Bad trade.
469
00:25:50,173 --> 00:25:53,051
Forever, you guys are like,
"Trump, piece of shit."
470
00:25:53,134 --> 00:25:57,973
"Let's get this old, white, out-of-touch
piece of shit out of the White House."
471
00:25:58,848 --> 00:26:01,810
And I was like, "Yeah, get him out!
What are we putting in?"
472
00:26:01,893 --> 00:26:05,438
And they were like, "An old,
white, out-of-touch piece of shit."
473
00:26:06,731 --> 00:26:07,857
We lost.
474
00:26:11,319 --> 00:26:14,197
That's an "L," dude. That's an "L."
475
00:26:14,281 --> 00:26:16,575
You got a white for a white. Bad trade.
476
00:26:17,534 --> 00:26:20,245
You got an Accord for a Civic,
it's the same car.
477
00:26:23,164 --> 00:26:25,959
Guy's like, "No, this one
doesn't have the N-word button on it."
478
00:26:27,711 --> 00:26:30,046
Yes, it does. It's underneath the thing.
479
00:26:31,548 --> 00:26:33,049
They just hid it better.
480
00:26:39,055 --> 00:26:42,058
He stinks. And this is
the problem I have, right?
481
00:26:42,142 --> 00:26:45,061
It's more the idea
that we wanted progress and change.
482
00:26:45,145 --> 00:26:47,230
And as a society,
that's what we're trying to do,
483
00:26:47,314 --> 00:26:48,356
inclusivity, right?
484
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:50,817
We're trying to change
the way this country looks.
485
00:26:50,900 --> 00:26:54,654
And so there's
a Black woman in the White House.
486
00:26:54,738 --> 00:26:56,114
She's right there.
487
00:26:56,197 --> 00:26:57,949
What the fuck is she doing?
488
00:26:59,701 --> 00:27:00,952
What is she doing?
489
00:27:01,036 --> 00:27:03,580
I got two words for Kamala Harris,
490
00:27:03,663 --> 00:27:04,789
push him.
491
00:27:07,834 --> 00:27:08,835
Lady…
492
00:27:11,671 --> 00:27:14,591
How bad do you want to be President, lady?
493
00:27:14,674 --> 00:27:19,346
It's right there, home is open.
Steal home. Go, go. Go, go, go, go.
494
00:27:21,097 --> 00:27:23,391
Come on, Kamala. One hip nudge.
495
00:27:23,475 --> 00:27:24,684
One hip nudge.
496
00:27:25,602 --> 00:27:28,188
He folds like origami.
Right down to the earth.
497
00:27:28,813 --> 00:27:30,398
Boom. You're President.
498
00:27:31,024 --> 00:27:32,609
Don't you want it bad?
499
00:27:33,318 --> 00:27:34,986
Have one meeting in a basement.
500
00:27:35,070 --> 00:27:36,946
Have one meeting in a basement.
501
00:27:37,030 --> 00:27:38,406
"Down here, Joe."
502
00:27:41,493 --> 00:27:44,579
"You down
that rickety stairwell, Cababala?"
503
00:27:46,247 --> 00:27:50,460
"These stairs seem wet.
And there's no handrail."
504
00:27:51,544 --> 00:27:54,264
In my mind it's Home Alone.
She has a bucket of paint.
505
00:27:55,632 --> 00:27:57,300
She's like, "Come on, you old fuck."
506
00:28:01,971 --> 00:28:03,682
You know he doesn't know her name.
507
00:28:06,434 --> 00:28:09,938
What is he, the only
70-year-old white guy that's not racist?
508
00:28:10,021 --> 00:28:11,021
Shut up.
509
00:28:12,190 --> 00:28:15,193
You know he saunters around there,
and he's like, "Bring me the Black."
510
00:28:15,276 --> 00:28:18,613
And they're like, "All right, Joe,
we can't say that anymore, buddy."
511
00:28:18,697 --> 00:28:22,617
"We can't say that. Sit down.
Eat your soup. Sit down."
512
00:28:23,326 --> 00:28:24,326
"Sit down."
513
00:28:29,082 --> 00:28:31,000
No, the guy stinks, but here's the thing.
514
00:28:31,084 --> 00:28:33,420
The guy before him
was a fucking dipshit too.
515
00:28:37,882 --> 00:28:39,259
This is what I'm trying to say,
516
00:28:39,342 --> 00:28:41,761
you're allowed to hate
all these psychopaths equally.
517
00:28:41,845 --> 00:28:43,972
You know that, right?
You can like none of these guys.
518
00:28:44,055 --> 00:28:45,098
They all suck.
519
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:50,103
They all suck. They're not on your team.
520
00:28:50,186 --> 00:28:52,605
They're not your friend.
They don't give a shit about you.
521
00:28:53,732 --> 00:28:56,109
They all went
to Epstein's island, all of them.
522
00:29:00,363 --> 00:29:03,032
It was crazy that, like, 15 years ago,
523
00:29:03,116 --> 00:29:05,952
psychopath Alex Jones
was talking about it, was like,
524
00:29:06,035 --> 00:29:07,954
"There's an island where they fuck kids."
525
00:29:09,330 --> 00:29:10,832
"And the frogs are gay."
526
00:29:12,500 --> 00:29:14,627
Back then we were like, "This guy's nuts!"
527
00:29:15,545 --> 00:29:17,464
And now we're like, "He was right!"
528
00:29:18,631 --> 00:29:20,216
The frogs are gay!
529
00:29:21,217 --> 00:29:22,969
You see 'em hopping around,
530
00:29:23,762 --> 00:29:26,431
lily pad to lily pad. It's gross!
531
00:29:28,349 --> 00:29:30,059
No, Epstein's island was a real thing.
532
00:29:30,143 --> 00:29:33,229
The flight logs are on the Internet.
You can look them up. They're there.
533
00:29:33,313 --> 00:29:35,193
They're right there.
You can see who's on there.
534
00:29:35,231 --> 00:29:37,711
All the hits are on there.
All your boys, they're all on there.
535
00:29:39,068 --> 00:29:42,113
Bill Clinton went there,
allegedly, 26 times.
536
00:29:44,282 --> 00:29:46,326
That's… so many times.
537
00:29:49,245 --> 00:29:50,747
Those aren't layovers.
538
00:29:52,457 --> 00:29:56,669
That is a direct flight, dude. That
wasn't like, "Where do we have to stop?"
539
00:29:56,753 --> 00:29:58,838
"Oh, Epstein's. Oh, shit. Okay, well."
540
00:30:00,423 --> 00:30:01,716
"When in Rome, saxophone."
541
00:30:10,975 --> 00:30:11,976
Come on.
542
00:30:12,685 --> 00:30:15,230
But make no mistake,
I love shitting on Biden,
543
00:30:15,313 --> 00:30:16,689
but also shitting on Trump.
544
00:30:16,773 --> 00:30:19,108
That guy was a dumb,
fat piece of shit too.
545
00:30:20,109 --> 00:30:21,444
That guy stinks.
546
00:30:22,445 --> 00:30:25,198
Guy was an idiot.
Guy was a fucking idiot.
547
00:30:25,698 --> 00:30:27,826
He went after Mexicans,
which I hated the most.
548
00:30:27,909 --> 00:30:32,372
Because I live in Southern California.
I really, really like Mexicans, okay?
549
00:30:36,543 --> 00:30:39,420
Don't fuck with my Browns, man.
Don't fuck with my Browns.
550
00:30:40,713 --> 00:30:43,174
He went after Mexicans,
and I didn't like it. I hated it.
551
00:30:43,258 --> 00:30:45,969
He was like…
"They're lazy criminals."
552
00:30:47,846 --> 00:30:51,182
Was like, lazy?
Have you met any of these people?
553
00:30:52,642 --> 00:30:56,104
If you haven't, it's because
they're working their third job that day.
554
00:30:56,855 --> 00:30:58,356
And criminal? It's like…
555
00:30:59,023 --> 00:31:00,859
That one's true. But I feel.
556
00:31:04,237 --> 00:31:06,030
I know my cleaning lady
is stealing from us.
557
00:31:06,114 --> 00:31:07,490
There's no doubt in my mind.
558
00:31:08,157 --> 00:31:10,451
I'm always like,
"Maria, those are your shoes?"
559
00:31:10,535 --> 00:31:12,912
"You're a size 12 in Jordans?
Those are yours?"
560
00:31:14,539 --> 00:31:19,002
"These are my shoes,
Mr. Andrew. These are my shoes."
561
00:31:25,717 --> 00:31:28,011
The guy was crazy.
562
00:31:28,094 --> 00:31:29,220
The guy is crazy.
563
00:31:29,304 --> 00:31:31,806
He's also a dick. He was mean as shit.
564
00:31:32,807 --> 00:31:35,643
He was mean. He was a bully.
He was a dickhead, right?
565
00:31:35,727 --> 00:31:38,396
And if you're going to be mean,
you gotta be fun.
566
00:31:39,981 --> 00:31:42,734
George Bush was mean,
but he was kind of fun.
567
00:31:43,610 --> 00:31:45,486
He had that little
bobblehead wobble about him.
568
00:31:47,906 --> 00:31:50,325
He'd say crazy shit,
but be followed up with something fun.
569
00:31:50,408 --> 00:31:52,660
He'd be like, "We're gonna
bomb the shit out of Iraq."
570
00:31:53,912 --> 00:31:55,830
You'd be like, "Oh my God."
571
00:31:55,914 --> 00:31:57,707
He'd be like,
"Now watch me hit this drive."
572
00:32:03,379 --> 00:32:05,819
And we were all like, "Yeah, bomb Iraq.
What're you gonna do?"
573
00:32:08,384 --> 00:32:10,428
Nah, Trump was just mean. Just mean.
574
00:32:10,511 --> 00:32:12,764
"Build a wall." So stupid.
575
00:32:12,847 --> 00:32:15,433
"We'll build a wall." Mean.
576
00:32:15,516 --> 00:32:17,143
Build a maze. That's fun.
577
00:32:18,561 --> 00:32:22,148
Yeah, I want 'em in here.
Let's make them work for it a little bit.
578
00:32:22,732 --> 00:32:24,734
Couple of turnarounds and go-backs.
579
00:32:26,027 --> 00:32:28,237
"He said that end.
He said that end." You know?
580
00:32:30,698 --> 00:32:31,938
Know what I want at the border?
581
00:32:31,991 --> 00:32:34,494
I want the American Ninja Warrior
course at the border so bad.
582
00:32:36,287 --> 00:32:37,287
Yeah, man.
583
00:32:37,956 --> 00:32:41,042
You want citizenship,
you got to conquer Midoriyama live.
584
00:32:42,627 --> 00:32:43,753
On FOX.
585
00:32:46,547 --> 00:32:48,466
I would love to do
the post game interviews.
586
00:32:48,549 --> 00:32:50,468
That's what I want,
the post game interviews.
587
00:32:50,551 --> 00:32:51,844
The wrap-ups, when they fail.
588
00:32:51,928 --> 00:32:55,014
Just be like, "Alejandro, Alejandro,
what happened out there?"
589
00:32:55,098 --> 00:32:57,100
"Well, Andrew…".
590
00:33:00,561 --> 00:33:01,938
The first time I was here.
591
00:33:03,231 --> 00:33:05,671
"I couldn't do the Warped Wall.
I fuck up at the Warped Wall."
592
00:33:07,068 --> 00:33:10,029
"This time it was the Salmon Ladder.
I can't do the Salmon Ladder."
593
00:33:11,114 --> 00:33:12,994
"Well, you know, you get three tries."
"I know."
594
00:33:13,032 --> 00:33:16,577
"I can be back in October
to fuck shit up in the fall, baby!"
595
00:33:17,453 --> 00:33:18,496
Yes.
596
00:33:27,505 --> 00:33:30,216
I was shocked Trump lasted four years.
597
00:33:30,299 --> 00:33:32,593
Four years was wild to me.
598
00:33:33,094 --> 00:33:37,890
Four years, and nobody…
Nobody, you know? Nobody…
599
00:33:42,437 --> 00:33:43,438
Nobody?
600
00:33:44,022 --> 00:33:45,022
Pew.
601
00:33:51,404 --> 00:33:53,489
Nobody. Nobody.
602
00:33:55,074 --> 00:33:57,035
Not once.
603
00:33:59,495 --> 00:34:02,331
I'm not advocating
for killing a President,
604
00:34:04,250 --> 00:34:05,585
but we used to try.
605
00:34:07,420 --> 00:34:09,505
We used to give it the old college go.
606
00:34:11,841 --> 00:34:13,634
We got some of our best.
607
00:34:14,552 --> 00:34:17,138
In a theater like this.
I mean, we got one in.
608
00:34:21,851 --> 00:34:23,019
I went to the
609
00:34:23,102 --> 00:34:26,731
I went to the spot where JFK got shot.
I went there to Dallas when I was on tour.
610
00:34:26,814 --> 00:34:29,067
We stood on the X.
You can stand right where it happened.
611
00:34:29,150 --> 00:34:30,693
We looked up at the book depository,
612
00:34:30,777 --> 00:34:33,321
and simultaneously,
we turned to each other and we were like,
613
00:34:33,404 --> 00:34:34,781
"It's a good shot."
614
00:34:35,990 --> 00:34:38,785
It was far. It was impressive.
615
00:34:43,664 --> 00:34:46,918
We're just…
We're entering this new time now
616
00:34:47,001 --> 00:34:50,338
where, you know,
comedy is in this weird space
617
00:34:50,421 --> 00:34:51,964
because people have this narrative
618
00:34:52,048 --> 00:34:54,550
that kind of gets pushed
around by you guys more than us.
619
00:34:54,634 --> 00:34:56,761
That it's like,
"Ooh, what can comedians say?"
620
00:34:56,844 --> 00:34:59,263
"What are you allowed to say now?"
621
00:34:59,347 --> 00:35:01,015
You can say anything you want, right?
622
00:35:01,099 --> 00:35:02,939
Doesn't mean there's
not gonna be consequences.
623
00:35:02,975 --> 00:35:05,055
But you've always been able
to say whatever you want.
624
00:35:05,103 --> 00:35:06,979
There might be consequences of it, right?
625
00:35:07,063 --> 00:35:09,649
Like, Chappelle went
after the trans people,
626
00:35:09,732 --> 00:35:11,609
and trans people got mad.
627
00:35:11,692 --> 00:35:13,861
And people were mad that they got mad,
628
00:35:13,945 --> 00:35:15,947
and then they were mad
Chappelle said what he said.
629
00:35:16,030 --> 00:35:17,030
But this is…
630
00:35:18,241 --> 00:35:19,241
The issue.
631
00:35:19,909 --> 00:35:22,537
We live in this place where the beauty is
632
00:35:22,620 --> 00:35:24,122
he can say that stuff.
633
00:35:24,205 --> 00:35:26,999
They also have
a right to be very upset at that.
634
00:35:27,083 --> 00:35:30,253
And that's the duality
of the America that we live in,
635
00:35:30,336 --> 00:35:32,617
that you're allowed to hate it,
they're allowed to say it.
636
00:35:32,672 --> 00:35:35,174
We got to keep fucking moving.
That's kind of how it goes.
637
00:35:39,971 --> 00:35:43,683
But they have every right
to be mad at what he says. That's fine.
638
00:35:43,766 --> 00:35:45,726
And he is gonna say
what he wants to say.
639
00:35:45,810 --> 00:35:48,771
Chappelle is the GOAT after all.
He's the GOAT, you know.
640
00:35:52,483 --> 00:35:54,861
He's the Greatest of All Trans, and…
641
00:35:58,406 --> 00:35:59,615
How funny would it be?
642
00:36:02,577 --> 00:36:04,745
On his next special,
he just comes in heels.
643
00:36:04,829 --> 00:36:06,205
He's like, "Got ya, bitch!"
644
00:36:07,874 --> 00:36:08,875
David.
645
00:36:09,876 --> 00:36:11,127
You did it again.
646
00:36:14,630 --> 00:36:16,966
Yeah, that's the world
we live in, you know?
647
00:36:17,049 --> 00:36:18,634
We're going to say weird, dumb shit.
648
00:36:18,718 --> 00:36:21,387
We agree to this thing.
When you guys come to these rooms,
649
00:36:21,470 --> 00:36:23,431
you agree to be a part of this thing.
650
00:36:23,514 --> 00:36:25,057
You're a part of it. Make no mistake.
651
00:36:25,141 --> 00:36:27,494
There's always this thing
where it's on us. It's on you too.
652
00:36:27,518 --> 00:36:30,563
You're a part of it
because you're in this secret little room
653
00:36:30,646 --> 00:36:32,398
where we've kind of agreed to it.
654
00:36:34,400 --> 00:36:37,153
And outside of these walls,
it's a different set of rules.
655
00:36:37,236 --> 00:36:40,698
But in here, for some reason, it's not.
It's strange. Like, what's your name?
656
00:36:40,781 --> 00:36:41,949
- What's your name?
- Brian.
657
00:36:42,033 --> 00:36:44,035
Brian? Brian, you having
a fun time tonight?
658
00:36:44,118 --> 00:36:45,286
- Yes.
- Yeah?
659
00:36:50,666 --> 00:36:53,169
That's not funny. That's not funny at all.
660
00:36:54,295 --> 00:36:57,006
Brian doesn't deserve
for me to jerk off on him.
661
00:36:57,924 --> 00:36:59,717
Brian doesn't deserve that.
662
00:37:00,384 --> 00:37:03,429
But you guys were like,
"Ah-ha-ha-ha! Jerking off on Brian!"
663
00:37:04,513 --> 00:37:05,806
'Cause you're in here.
664
00:37:06,390 --> 00:37:08,226
You wouldn't let that go out there.
665
00:37:09,185 --> 00:37:11,187
Out there that's, "No, no, no."
666
00:37:11,854 --> 00:37:13,334
If I bumped into Brian on the street,
667
00:37:13,397 --> 00:37:16,567
I was like, "Hey, man." He's like, "Hey."
And I was like…
668
00:37:16,651 --> 00:37:18,611
You guys would be like,
"Lock that guy up."
669
00:37:20,571 --> 00:37:21,697
And I'm sorry,
670
00:37:23,241 --> 00:37:25,159
but that's my point,
you're a part of it.
671
00:37:25,243 --> 00:37:27,495
Because you're here,
you're in on this thing.
672
00:37:27,578 --> 00:37:30,331
You're creating this thing with us,
you know?
673
00:37:30,414 --> 00:37:33,209
You do this all the time.
You do this all the time.
674
00:37:33,292 --> 00:37:35,772
America loves art, but we don't wanna know
where it comes from.
675
00:37:35,836 --> 00:37:37,956
"Don't tell me.
Don't wanna know where it comes from."
676
00:37:38,005 --> 00:37:40,800
We do this a lot, but you're a part of it
just as much as I am.
677
00:37:40,883 --> 00:37:42,803
You know, Amy Winehouse,
her number one song was…
678
00:37:47,848 --> 00:37:50,268
And then she died of a heroin overdose.
679
00:37:52,061 --> 00:37:54,772
And you guys were just like,
"What happened to Amy?"
680
00:37:56,482 --> 00:37:57,775
"Was she sick?"
681
00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:00,486
You're an idiot.
682
00:38:02,947 --> 00:38:06,617
You have to recognize
you're as much a part of this as we are.
683
00:38:06,701 --> 00:38:08,035
You're responsible too.
684
00:38:08,119 --> 00:38:10,371
And I was having this,
like, crazy emotional breakdown
685
00:38:10,454 --> 00:38:11,539
a couple of months ago.
686
00:38:11,622 --> 00:38:14,262
I called my lady, I was like,
"I don't know what I want right now."
687
00:38:14,333 --> 00:38:16,252
She's like,
"What do you want from comedy?"
688
00:38:16,335 --> 00:38:18,629
"What do you want from
all this shit that you're doing?"
689
00:38:18,713 --> 00:38:21,424
And I said,
"I just want to be a cheeseburger."
690
00:38:22,967 --> 00:38:24,727
She was like,
"You gotta go to the hospital."
691
00:38:24,802 --> 00:38:26,178
"That's… Something's wrong."
692
00:38:27,013 --> 00:38:29,640
And I meant what I said,
I just want to be a cheeseburger.
693
00:38:29,724 --> 00:38:30,850
That's all I want.
694
00:38:30,933 --> 00:38:34,395
I don't need some crazy legacy.
I don't need to live on forever.
695
00:38:34,478 --> 00:38:37,023
I just want you to enjoy me
right now while you have me.
696
00:38:37,106 --> 00:38:38,524
That's all I really want.
697
00:38:47,199 --> 00:38:50,953
But just know that you guys
are all eating a different cheeseburger.
698
00:38:51,037 --> 00:38:52,237
That's what I'm talking about.
699
00:38:52,288 --> 00:38:54,968
You're creating it and making it
taste the way you want it to taste,
700
00:38:54,999 --> 00:38:57,001
picking and choosing what you like,
what you don't,
701
00:38:57,084 --> 00:38:58,844
what you're offended by,
what you agree with,
702
00:38:58,919 --> 00:39:00,379
what upsets you, makes you happy.
703
00:39:00,463 --> 00:39:02,214
You're building your own cheeseburger.
704
00:39:02,298 --> 00:39:03,799
So let me be the cheeseburger,
705
00:39:03,883 --> 00:39:06,302
but also know you're fucking making it.
706
00:39:07,178 --> 00:39:08,304
You made it.
707
00:39:10,890 --> 00:39:14,268
You're the creator of this world
just as much as we are. You know?
708
00:39:15,102 --> 00:39:18,230
But I learned that I don't know
how much I care about legacy.
709
00:39:18,314 --> 00:39:19,774
I think I wanna enjoy it now.
710
00:39:19,857 --> 00:39:22,026
And there's this idea,
a lot of people want legacy.
711
00:39:22,109 --> 00:39:23,235
They want to live forever,
712
00:39:23,319 --> 00:39:25,112
whether it's through
something they've done
713
00:39:25,196 --> 00:39:26,614
or through children they have.
714
00:39:26,697 --> 00:39:29,367
I tried to have kids,
it's been a tough road. I'm not gonna lie.
715
00:39:29,450 --> 00:39:30,993
It's been really, really hard.
716
00:39:31,077 --> 00:39:33,287
We did everything.
I was taking vitamins and supplements
717
00:39:33,371 --> 00:39:34,997
and nutrients and CoQ10 and Proxeed.
718
00:39:35,081 --> 00:39:37,249
I changed my diet, my sleep schedule.
719
00:39:37,333 --> 00:39:38,250
I did everything.
720
00:39:38,334 --> 00:39:40,419
We did everything
they asked us to do, man.
721
00:39:40,503 --> 00:39:42,129
We stopped drinking. You know?
722
00:39:42,213 --> 00:39:44,133
We started exercising more,
getting better sleep.
723
00:39:44,215 --> 00:39:45,655
We started having sex on a schedule.
724
00:39:45,716 --> 00:39:48,236
A schedule, down to the minute
when you're supposed to have sex,
725
00:39:48,260 --> 00:39:51,060
in different positions, different times,
different places in the house.
726
00:39:51,097 --> 00:39:53,307
We started pegging.
We were doing everything.
727
00:39:55,684 --> 00:39:56,811
Everything.
728
00:40:02,066 --> 00:40:04,235
Some of you don't know
what pegging is, and…
729
00:40:05,319 --> 00:40:07,780
Look it up on the way home.
I don't know what to tell you.
730
00:40:10,366 --> 00:40:11,742
No, we're not doing that.
731
00:40:11,826 --> 00:40:14,412
But through the process,
I did learn about edging.
732
00:40:14,495 --> 00:40:17,039
I learned what edging was.
And edging is incredible.
733
00:40:17,123 --> 00:40:19,917
I don't know if you know what this is,
but we were reading a book,
734
00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:23,462
a Kama Sutra book, and it had
all this stuff about trying to enhance
735
00:40:23,546 --> 00:40:25,982
your orgasm with your partner.
One of these things was edging.
736
00:40:26,006 --> 00:40:28,206
Edging is where you
get close to ejaculation, then stop,
737
00:40:28,259 --> 00:40:30,302
you get close and stop,
you get close and stop,
738
00:40:30,386 --> 00:40:32,096
and do this over and over and over again.
739
00:40:32,179 --> 00:40:35,391
Supposed to heighten pleasure sensors
in your mind, your body, and your spirit,
740
00:40:35,474 --> 00:40:37,935
so you and your partner
have this perfect orgasm.
741
00:40:38,018 --> 00:40:41,522
But when I read it, you know,
I'm not a smart man.
742
00:40:42,523 --> 00:40:43,774
So immediately I turned to her.
743
00:40:43,858 --> 00:40:46,318
I was like, "Can you imagine
how big my load is going to be?"
744
00:40:48,821 --> 00:40:49,738
She was like, "What?"
745
00:40:49,822 --> 00:40:51,942
I was like,
"I'm going to blow your fucking back out."
746
00:40:53,826 --> 00:40:55,077
Oh my God.
747
00:40:55,161 --> 00:40:56,954
There'll be like 30 gallons of it.
748
00:40:58,080 --> 00:40:59,540
She's like, "Not how it works."
749
00:40:59,623 --> 00:41:02,223
I'm like, "Yes, it is."
I remember Super Soakers when I was a kid.
750
00:41:03,669 --> 00:41:07,047
You didn't shoot those on the first pump.
You weren't just…
751
00:41:07,506 --> 00:41:12,845
Uh-uh. You were like…
752
00:41:13,971 --> 00:41:15,806
Until it was about to break.
When it was like…
753
00:41:20,728 --> 00:41:22,855
Then you smoke 'em with that big load.
754
00:41:31,405 --> 00:41:33,199
That's not how it works.
755
00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:39,580
One good thing I did, though,
put away porn. Stopped watching porn.
756
00:41:39,663 --> 00:41:42,263
While we were trying to have a baby,
"Stop. Not gonna watch porn."
757
00:41:42,291 --> 00:41:43,291
Don't wanna watch it.
758
00:41:43,334 --> 00:41:44,710
Also, I didn't like it anymore.
759
00:41:44,793 --> 00:41:47,033
I gotta be honest with you,
porn's gotten out of control.
760
00:41:48,422 --> 00:41:50,257
Used to be lighthearted and fun.
761
00:41:51,675 --> 00:41:54,011
Now it's all family-orientated,
for some reason.
762
00:41:55,763 --> 00:41:57,014
I don't like that.
763
00:41:57,097 --> 00:41:58,497
I remember the first time I saw it,
764
00:41:58,557 --> 00:42:00,277
I was scrolling
through my feed and it said,
765
00:42:00,351 --> 00:42:03,687
"Stepdad comes home from work early,
finds stepdaughter changing."
766
00:42:03,771 --> 00:42:05,940
And I was like, "What the fuck is this?"
767
00:42:06,941 --> 00:42:08,609
Then I saw the thumbnail, and I was like,
768
00:42:08,692 --> 00:42:10,110
"I'm going to check it out."
769
00:42:12,071 --> 00:42:13,614
I want to know.
770
00:42:13,697 --> 00:42:16,492
What job does he have
lets him off at 2:00 p.m.?
771
00:42:19,578 --> 00:42:20,788
That's good hours.
772
00:42:24,542 --> 00:42:27,002
I like that porn just does
its own thing all the time, though.
773
00:42:27,086 --> 00:42:29,755
I like that porn adheres
to no social rules, right?
774
00:42:29,838 --> 00:42:33,092
You'll never see
a politically correct porn ever. Ever.
775
00:42:33,175 --> 00:42:34,815
In all the things that we say societally,
776
00:42:34,843 --> 00:42:37,003
you're not allowed to say that,
we don't say that word,
777
00:42:37,054 --> 00:42:39,390
porn doesn't give a fuck.
778
00:42:40,432 --> 00:42:41,642
You'll never see a PC porn.
779
00:42:41,725 --> 00:42:45,437
You'll never see a title that says,
"Less-than-intelligent CIS white female"
780
00:42:47,231 --> 00:42:50,526
"gets sexually satisfied
by CIS African American male."
781
00:42:51,902 --> 00:42:55,364
No, it'll always say "Dumb white bitch
gets pumped by big Black cock."
782
00:42:57,366 --> 00:43:00,366
You're like, "I'm clicking that video.
That's one of my favorites to watch."
783
00:43:07,960 --> 00:43:11,338
I will say, though,
I am pro-sex work, I'm pro that.
784
00:43:11,422 --> 00:43:13,716
I think that's great.
You do whatever you want to do.
785
00:43:14,508 --> 00:43:17,636
Sometimes, though,
you'll see an aggressive porn,
786
00:43:17,720 --> 00:43:20,764
and you'll be like,
I don't know if she likes that at all.
787
00:43:21,724 --> 00:43:25,811
The feminist in me is just like,
"Bro, she's getting skewered."
788
00:43:27,021 --> 00:43:29,481
"She cannot enjoy this."
789
00:43:32,026 --> 00:43:33,746
But I support
women in what they want to do.
790
00:43:33,819 --> 00:43:36,459
I try to support women as much
as I can in anything they want to do
791
00:43:36,488 --> 00:43:38,991
or anything they want to be,
because we all know
792
00:43:39,074 --> 00:43:41,035
that everyone with a brain goes,
793
00:43:41,118 --> 00:43:42,798
"Well, we should all
be treated as equals."
794
00:43:42,870 --> 00:43:44,622
I support feminism
in that world completely.
795
00:43:44,705 --> 00:43:46,498
Where it gets a little out of control
796
00:43:46,582 --> 00:43:49,418
is when feminism makes
it a competition for no reason.
797
00:43:49,501 --> 00:43:51,086
I saw a shirt this girl was wearing,
798
00:43:51,170 --> 00:43:53,422
it said, "Girls can
do anything boys can do."
799
00:43:53,505 --> 00:43:58,010
And I was like, "When? What?
What world are you living in?"
800
00:43:59,011 --> 00:44:00,346
That's such a dumb phrase.
801
00:44:00,429 --> 00:44:02,264
"Girls can do anything boys can do."
802
00:44:02,348 --> 00:44:04,850
It's also a dumb phrase
if a guy has a shirt that says,
803
00:44:04,933 --> 00:44:06,602
"Guys can do anything girls can do."
804
00:44:06,685 --> 00:44:08,145
Also not true.
805
00:44:08,646 --> 00:44:09,730
What are you talking about?
806
00:44:09,813 --> 00:44:13,400
Dude, you guys, you make
humans inside of your body.
807
00:44:13,484 --> 00:44:15,361
That's crazy. Nine months.
808
00:44:15,444 --> 00:44:18,030
Probably the most
grueling, excruciating, painful,
809
00:44:18,113 --> 00:44:20,699
insane, wild thing that humans do.
810
00:44:20,783 --> 00:44:21,825
You do it.
811
00:44:22,618 --> 00:44:24,036
So leave us alone.
812
00:44:25,663 --> 00:44:27,790
What do you want? Leave us alone.
813
00:44:29,083 --> 00:44:31,627
You want to do these jobs?
"We can do what you do."
814
00:44:31,710 --> 00:44:34,088
You want to?
We don't want to do these fucking jobs.
815
00:44:35,130 --> 00:44:38,092
We did them for you.
You don't want to do them either.
816
00:44:38,884 --> 00:44:41,220
You tricked us.
You tricked us into doing them.
817
00:44:41,303 --> 00:44:43,472
Now you want them back?
What's wrong with you?
818
00:44:43,555 --> 00:44:46,016
Thousands of years ago, we lived in caves,
819
00:44:46,100 --> 00:44:48,268
and you guys were like, "Go get the food."
820
00:44:49,144 --> 00:44:51,730
And we were like, "There's lions outside."
821
00:44:53,357 --> 00:44:55,859
And you guys were like, "Go get the food."
822
00:44:57,653 --> 00:44:58,821
"Fine."
823
00:45:01,448 --> 00:45:03,951
We don't want to do these jobs.
They're insane.
824
00:45:04,785 --> 00:45:07,329
Coal miner. Huh?
You want to get black lung?
825
00:45:07,413 --> 00:45:09,164
What the fuck are you talking about?
826
00:45:09,248 --> 00:45:13,711
You want to be a garbage man?
That's insane. Picking up shit all day.
827
00:45:13,794 --> 00:45:16,255
What is wrong? You want
to be an Alaskan crab boat fisherman?
828
00:45:16,338 --> 00:45:17,673
That what you want to do, girls?
829
00:45:17,756 --> 00:45:19,508
You wanna lose your teeth
and smoke menthols
830
00:45:19,591 --> 00:45:21,427
and most likely die at sea?
831
00:45:23,345 --> 00:45:26,140
It's awfully convenient
that you guys want to do all these gigs
832
00:45:26,223 --> 00:45:27,725
after we did them all already.
833
00:45:28,809 --> 00:45:32,146
They're done.
We built all the shit. It's over.
834
00:45:32,771 --> 00:45:33,772
Look.
835
00:45:36,442 --> 00:45:38,444
Who the fuck you think did this thing?
836
00:45:39,862 --> 00:45:42,156
You think a sorority threw this together?
837
00:45:44,366 --> 00:45:47,119
"Come on, Alpha Phi!
Brick by brick by brick by brick."
838
00:45:50,581 --> 00:45:51,957
Leave us alone.
839
00:45:53,584 --> 00:45:56,128
You're already mean to us anyway, right?
840
00:45:56,211 --> 00:45:59,965
And it's socially fun to be mean to guys,
because we're big, dumb idiots.
841
00:46:01,133 --> 00:46:03,802
I was at a gas station,
and this big truck pulled in.
842
00:46:03,886 --> 00:46:05,554
A lifted truck with huge tires.
843
00:46:05,637 --> 00:46:08,056
And the girl at the pump next to me
made eye contact with me,
844
00:46:08,140 --> 00:46:09,600
and she goes, "Ugh."
845
00:46:10,392 --> 00:46:13,020
I knew exactly what she said in her head.
846
00:46:13,103 --> 00:46:16,732
And everybody in here knows,
"Big truck, small dick."
847
00:46:17,858 --> 00:46:21,028
"Oh, big car. You got small little penis?"
848
00:46:22,237 --> 00:46:24,490
"Yeah, in your big truck
with your small little penis?"
849
00:46:24,573 --> 00:46:27,034
"You compensating for something?"
850
00:46:27,117 --> 00:46:30,746
Yeah, for the fact that he never
had a big truck before, and now he does.
851
00:46:31,663 --> 00:46:33,916
You think men are deep? We're idiots.
852
00:46:34,500 --> 00:46:37,711
When we're little boys, we're like,
"Oh, truck. Beep-beep-beep-beep. Ah!"
853
00:46:40,088 --> 00:46:43,217
And then we get older and we have money,
and we're like, "I buy truck."
854
00:46:48,806 --> 00:46:52,392
We don't judge our purchases
based on our genitalia. That's insane.
855
00:46:53,101 --> 00:46:55,661
We don't get out of the shower,
look at our dick, and we're like,
856
00:46:55,687 --> 00:46:57,147
"Jeep Grand Cherokee. Cool."
857
00:47:02,194 --> 00:47:03,529
We could never do that to you.
858
00:47:03,612 --> 00:47:05,757
You know how mad you'd be
if we did that to you, girls?
859
00:47:05,781 --> 00:47:09,076
You'd lose your mind
if we equated those things,
860
00:47:09,159 --> 00:47:10,744
purchases, to your genitalia.
861
00:47:10,828 --> 00:47:13,205
If I was like,
"Is that a Louis Vuitton purse?"
862
00:47:13,288 --> 00:47:15,290
"Oh. You got a big clit? What's that?"
863
00:47:17,793 --> 00:47:20,420
"Is that a gushy Gucci?
You got a sloppy gushy Gucci? Yeah."
864
00:47:26,176 --> 00:47:27,344
Leave us alone.
865
00:47:29,972 --> 00:47:32,724
But again, women deserve
to be treated like equals.
866
00:47:32,808 --> 00:47:34,518
There's no doubt at all. You know?
867
00:47:34,601 --> 00:47:36,854
There isn't, that's not even
an argument. You know?
868
00:47:36,937 --> 00:47:39,356
You're tough. You're hard to figure out.
869
00:47:39,439 --> 00:47:42,025
My dad failed a bunch.
He couldn't get through it. A bunch.
870
00:47:42,109 --> 00:47:45,237
A bunch of women came and went.
He couldn't figure it out, the poor guy.
871
00:47:45,320 --> 00:47:46,320
And now he's older,
872
00:47:46,363 --> 00:47:49,616
and he's trying to, you know,
get his life back together again.
873
00:47:49,700 --> 00:47:51,243
He's trying to teach me life lessons.
874
00:47:51,326 --> 00:47:53,846
I think as they get older,
they want to impart something on you,
875
00:47:53,912 --> 00:47:55,472
like a piece of wisdom they've learned.
876
00:47:55,497 --> 00:47:57,291
So he's, like,
sneaking it in in weird ways.
877
00:47:57,374 --> 00:48:00,669
He sent me a box of, like,
old stuff, you know?
878
00:48:00,752 --> 00:48:03,255
And on top of it was Sonic the Hedgehog,
879
00:48:04,464 --> 00:48:06,466
and it was plugged into SEGA Genesis.
880
00:48:06,550 --> 00:48:08,677
And I was like,
"Oh my God. Is this a message?"
881
00:48:08,760 --> 00:48:10,387
"Is he sending me a message?"
882
00:48:10,470 --> 00:48:13,891
Is he saying, "Be a kid. Slow down.
Have some fun. You're working too hard."
883
00:48:13,974 --> 00:48:19,563
So I did. I got stoned, I plugged it in,
and I played Sonic for hours.
884
00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:22,900
And it was incredible. It was amazing.
885
00:48:22,983 --> 00:48:25,694
And at some point,
I might have been a little too high.
886
00:48:26,695 --> 00:48:29,656
Because I was staring at Sonic
and I was like, "Oh my God."
887
00:48:30,198 --> 00:48:32,159
"This goes deeper than I ever thought."
888
00:48:33,201 --> 00:48:36,038
"I'm Sonic. Sonic is I. I am Sonic."
889
00:48:37,080 --> 00:48:38,960
Most men here are Sonic,
you don't even know it.
890
00:48:38,999 --> 00:48:41,043
You run through life as fast as you can
891
00:48:41,126 --> 00:48:43,545
just to get to the end.
That's the goal of the game.
892
00:48:43,629 --> 00:48:45,549
Get the coins,
give me the money, get to the end.
893
00:48:45,589 --> 00:48:47,174
Give me the money, get to the end.
894
00:48:47,257 --> 00:48:48,300
That's what most guys do.
895
00:48:48,383 --> 00:48:50,583
"Just give me the money,
let me get to the fucking end."
896
00:48:51,219 --> 00:48:54,431
That's the goal of the game.
It's so twisted, you know?
897
00:48:54,514 --> 00:48:57,059
And the whole time,
give me the money, get to the end.
898
00:48:57,142 --> 00:49:01,229
In the game, just like in life,
at some point you bump into these trolls,
899
00:49:01,313 --> 00:49:02,773
women, and all of your coins…
900
00:49:02,856 --> 00:49:05,233
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la…
901
00:49:07,110 --> 00:49:09,029
You're like, "Give me my coins!"
902
00:49:09,571 --> 00:49:10,948
"No!"
903
00:49:11,031 --> 00:49:12,699
And you'll never get 'em back.
904
00:49:20,290 --> 00:49:23,001
But I think because of all that
knowledge they're trying to impart,
905
00:49:23,085 --> 00:49:25,885
the one thing that the older generation
didn't really speak to us about
906
00:49:25,963 --> 00:49:27,339
was going to talk to somebody.
907
00:49:27,422 --> 00:49:29,174
Therapy is great, and for some reason,
908
00:49:29,257 --> 00:49:32,057
it still has this, like, "I don't want
to tell anybody" thing about it.
909
00:49:32,135 --> 00:49:33,845
I don't know why. I think it's incredible.
910
00:49:33,929 --> 00:49:36,640
I went and I spoke with someone,
and it helped. It really did.
911
00:49:36,723 --> 00:49:39,768
And some of the things
she said made some sense. You know?
912
00:49:39,851 --> 00:49:42,938
She had said this thing,
and you can use this if you want.
913
00:49:43,021 --> 00:49:45,732
She said, "You know what
you gotta do? You gotta…".
914
00:49:45,816 --> 00:49:47,484
"You've got to adopt happiness."
915
00:49:47,567 --> 00:49:49,861
"When you see someone else having fun,
916
00:49:49,945 --> 00:49:51,029
go into it."
917
00:49:51,113 --> 00:49:53,782
"Don't get away from it.
Go for it, right?"
918
00:49:53,865 --> 00:49:58,036
"It's going to, by some reason,
get to you and it'll hopefully help you
919
00:49:58,120 --> 00:50:00,831
get a little bit of happiness
in your life, slowly but surely."
920
00:50:00,914 --> 00:50:04,960
I thought, I don't know, maybe that works,
maybe it doesn't. You know?
921
00:50:05,043 --> 00:50:07,546
She said, "Or get a dog."
And I was like, "I'll get a dog."
922
00:50:09,297 --> 00:50:11,133
So I don't have to talk to people.
923
00:50:12,300 --> 00:50:14,803
And I love my dog. And she's incredible.
924
00:50:14,886 --> 00:50:18,223
She's also a little bit of a pervert,
I'm not going to lie.
925
00:50:18,306 --> 00:50:20,267
It's disgusting. She's so weird.
926
00:50:20,350 --> 00:50:22,894
Whenever we start hooking up,
I can hear…
927
00:50:23,937 --> 00:50:27,190
Her collar jingling down the hallway
928
00:50:27,858 --> 00:50:31,737
like a prison guard with the keys
when they know the boys are being bad.
929
00:50:33,238 --> 00:50:36,116
Whenever we start hooking up,
she'll start running to the room
930
00:50:36,199 --> 00:50:37,868
and we have to close her out.
931
00:50:37,951 --> 00:50:39,453
But still, she's persistent.
932
00:50:39,536 --> 00:50:42,914
You'll hear her under
the crack of the door, just…
933
00:50:44,624 --> 00:50:45,876
Like a detective.
934
00:50:47,461 --> 00:50:48,336
It's twisted.
935
00:50:48,420 --> 00:50:51,131
The moment we're done,
the moment we're done hooking up,
936
00:50:51,214 --> 00:50:52,299
I'll open the door,
937
00:50:52,382 --> 00:50:54,676
the dog will come in the room,
jump on the bed,
938
00:50:54,760 --> 00:50:56,303
and go right to the wet spot.
939
00:50:58,221 --> 00:50:59,598
She's like, "Get her off the bed."
940
00:50:59,681 --> 00:51:02,267
And I'm like,
"Let Scruff McGruff figure out the crime."
941
00:51:03,769 --> 00:51:05,187
Who done it, Scruff?
942
00:51:06,897 --> 00:51:10,400
Was it the Ginger General with
a lead pipe in the ballroom? Who did it?
943
00:51:15,864 --> 00:51:17,032
She's gross, but I love her.
944
00:51:19,701 --> 00:51:23,830
And a lot of times,
she is my little safety net. Honestly.
945
00:51:23,914 --> 00:51:27,292
Like, if I'm having a tough day,
I'll just take her for a long walk.
946
00:51:27,375 --> 00:51:29,753
It's great. She doesn't judge,
doesn't give a shit.
947
00:51:29,836 --> 00:51:32,964
I'll just say to her my problems,
and she doesn't care.
948
00:51:33,048 --> 00:51:35,926
Once in a while, she'll throw me like,
"Oh yeah, I don't fucking care."
949
00:51:38,053 --> 00:51:39,053
But it's nice.
950
00:51:40,305 --> 00:51:42,599
And one time,
I was going through some shit.
951
00:51:43,725 --> 00:51:46,645
I was going through some shit,
and I took her with me.
952
00:51:47,479 --> 00:51:51,316
And, uh, I went to this little
hardware store near my house,
953
00:51:51,399 --> 00:51:54,111
an old hardware store,
a mom-and-pop shop, if you will.
954
00:51:54,194 --> 00:51:57,322
It's one of these spots where nothing
is in the place it's supposed to be.
955
00:51:58,198 --> 00:52:00,325
Smells like cut keys all the time,
956
00:52:01,618 --> 00:52:03,703
and no one's really working. You know?
957
00:52:03,787 --> 00:52:04,996
You can't find anything.
958
00:52:05,080 --> 00:52:06,581
I love it. It's great.
959
00:52:06,665 --> 00:52:10,377
So I took her with me,
and she was acting really rambunctious.
960
00:52:10,877 --> 00:52:13,463
And you know if you have a dog,
and they pull sometimes,
961
00:52:13,547 --> 00:52:15,382
and sometimes you pull back,
962
00:52:16,174 --> 00:52:19,344
sometimes they pull hard, and
sometimes you snap it a little bit harder.
963
00:52:20,262 --> 00:52:23,473
It's not hurting them, but it does,
ahh, it checks them a little bit.
964
00:52:24,474 --> 00:52:26,518
It gives them just a little, "Ahh!"
965
00:52:27,602 --> 00:52:31,439
You hit 'em. You hit 'em with, "Come on,
who's the adult here? Who's the big guy?"
966
00:52:32,315 --> 00:52:34,835
And you're not hurting 'em.
But, ahh, it hits them a little bit.
967
00:52:35,861 --> 00:52:37,154
They go right back. You hit 'em.
968
00:52:37,237 --> 00:52:38,446
Ahh!
969
00:52:38,530 --> 00:52:40,490
They go right back to being happy.
970
00:52:40,574 --> 00:52:42,284
So I smoked her a few times.
971
00:52:44,035 --> 00:52:45,704
She was getting out of control.
972
00:52:46,454 --> 00:52:49,454
We're in one of these hardware stores,
the aisles are really tight and tiny.
973
00:52:49,499 --> 00:52:52,794
It's old, you know? And stuff looks like
it's going to fall down on you, above you.
974
00:52:52,878 --> 00:52:55,213
All I'm doing is trying
to find this stupid little washer.
975
00:52:55,297 --> 00:52:57,382
And I'm hunting through
all these little stupid bags,
976
00:52:57,465 --> 00:52:58,842
and she's acting rambunctious.
977
00:52:58,925 --> 00:53:00,719
So I wrap around my legs,
holding her close.
978
00:53:00,802 --> 00:53:03,471
And at the end of the aisle,
I notice out of the corner of my eye,
979
00:53:03,555 --> 00:53:05,765
there's a girl there by herself,
a handicapped girl.
980
00:53:05,849 --> 00:53:08,286
A handicapped girl at the end
of the aisle with Down syndrome.
981
00:53:08,310 --> 00:53:09,750
And she's standing there by herself.
982
00:53:09,811 --> 00:53:12,772
And I can see her
see the dog without seeing it.
983
00:53:12,856 --> 00:53:15,066
I know that she wants
to say hi to the dog,
984
00:53:15,150 --> 00:53:18,153
but I'm just in one of those moods.
I don't want to talk to anybody, right?
985
00:53:18,236 --> 00:53:20,697
It's nothing about her.
I just wanted to be alone.
986
00:53:20,780 --> 00:53:24,659
And I can hear her under her breath.
I can hear her going, "Puppy…".
987
00:53:27,579 --> 00:53:30,081
Without looking,
I was like, "Yeah, it's a puppy."
988
00:53:31,082 --> 00:53:33,543
"Yeah, puppy, puppy, puppy,
puppy dog, puppy dog."
989
00:53:36,004 --> 00:53:38,298
And she goes, "Oh, cu-ute."
990
00:53:39,633 --> 00:53:41,635
And I was like, "Come on."
991
00:53:43,511 --> 00:53:46,890
She goes, "Oh, I want to pet her so bad."
992
00:53:48,850 --> 00:53:52,395
And I took a breath,
and I turned and I saw this girl's face,
993
00:53:52,938 --> 00:53:55,899
and it was the most
beautiful thing I'd ever seen.
994
00:53:56,399 --> 00:53:57,442
It was stunning.
995
00:53:57,525 --> 00:53:59,861
From ear to ear she was smiling, happy.
996
00:53:59,945 --> 00:54:03,240
It was unbelievable.
I couldn't describe it to you accurately.
997
00:54:03,323 --> 00:54:06,868
You know when a hippie chick is like,
"Your aura's blue"? You know that thing?
998
00:54:07,953 --> 00:54:10,080
She had a glow. I'm not kidding.
999
00:54:10,163 --> 00:54:13,250
For the first time in my life,
I saw someone glowing with happiness.
1000
00:54:13,333 --> 00:54:16,127
And she was beautiful.
And I was like, "What's my problem?"
1001
00:54:16,211 --> 00:54:17,587
What's my fucking problem?
1002
00:54:17,671 --> 00:54:19,923
This girl just wants
to say hi to this dog,
1003
00:54:20,006 --> 00:54:21,446
and I'm letting this get in the way.
1004
00:54:21,508 --> 00:54:23,945
This is what the therapist
was talking about. Adopt happiness.
1005
00:54:23,969 --> 00:54:25,679
Stop being a grump. Stop being an asshole.
1006
00:54:25,762 --> 00:54:28,139
So, it's tough,
but through the grit of my teeth,
1007
00:54:28,223 --> 00:54:30,475
I was like, "You wanna…
You wanna pet my fucking dog?"
1008
00:54:34,813 --> 00:54:35,893
And she was like, "Uh-huh."
1009
00:54:35,939 --> 00:54:38,108
And I was like, "Get over here.
Pet my goddamn dog."
1010
00:54:38,692 --> 00:54:41,903
And she came lumbering down the aisles,
and she was running so fast,
1011
00:54:41,987 --> 00:54:45,115
my dog got scared and startled and
jumped back and started growling at her.
1012
00:54:45,198 --> 00:54:47,450
She gets to my dog, and
my dog's like…
1013
00:54:47,534 --> 00:54:50,870
And I was like, "Hey, not her. Come on.
Not her. Don't do that to her, please."
1014
00:54:50,954 --> 00:54:54,416
"What are you doing? Cut it out.
Stop that. Stop that. Stop that."
1015
00:54:55,667 --> 00:54:57,544
And she goes, "Ooh, mean dog."
1016
00:54:57,627 --> 00:54:59,838
And I said, "No, no, no, not a mean dog."
1017
00:54:59,921 --> 00:55:02,257
"You're a new friend.
You just got to take it easy."
1018
00:55:02,340 --> 00:55:04,460
"You're a new friend.
She doesn't know you that well."
1019
00:55:04,509 --> 00:55:08,013
And she goes, "Oh, okay. Okay!"
So she goes down to pet her again,
1020
00:55:08,096 --> 00:55:10,974
but at this point,
my dog is not fucking with this chick.
1021
00:55:11,850 --> 00:55:14,102
My dog is like,
"I'm going to bite your fingers off."
1022
00:55:14,728 --> 00:55:16,771
And so she's jumping
at her, like
1023
00:55:16,855 --> 00:55:18,481
trying to bite her hand.
1024
00:55:18,565 --> 00:55:20,125
The handicapped girl doesn't take this.
1025
00:55:20,191 --> 00:55:22,235
She just keeps going for it,
she thinks it's fun.
1026
00:55:22,777 --> 00:55:25,089
She's trying to play with her,
my dog's trying to kill her.
1027
00:55:25,113 --> 00:55:27,407
I'm like, "Well, this is
how my career ends, right here."
1028
00:55:29,617 --> 00:55:30,869
And she's going for her,
1029
00:55:30,952 --> 00:55:33,830
and at some point,
my dog jumps and nips at her finger
1030
00:55:33,913 --> 00:55:35,874
and almost clips her hand.
1031
00:55:35,957 --> 00:55:37,625
For legal reasons, almost…
1032
00:55:38,460 --> 00:55:39,627
Clips her hand.
1033
00:55:41,296 --> 00:55:44,591
And then the girl pulls her hand away,
and her mood completely changes.
1034
00:55:44,674 --> 00:55:47,052
I mean, boom. The shift was huge.
1035
00:55:47,677 --> 00:55:49,971
She just lost
all that color out of her face.
1036
00:55:50,055 --> 00:55:52,307
And she got scared,
and she was like, "Bad dog."
1037
00:55:52,390 --> 00:55:54,493
And I was like, "You're okay."
And I grabbed her hand.
1038
00:55:54,517 --> 00:55:57,228
"She didn't bite you. You're okay.
It's okay. That is a bad dog."
1039
00:55:57,312 --> 00:55:59,397
"Bad dog! I'm sorry, but you're okay."
1040
00:55:59,481 --> 00:56:03,401
And she goes,
"She… she doesn't like people like me."
1041
00:56:06,738 --> 00:56:08,615
And I was like, "Don't say that."
1042
00:56:10,200 --> 00:56:12,118
"Don't say that out loud."
1043
00:56:14,454 --> 00:56:18,208
"Don't say that.
That's not… that's not true at all."
1044
00:56:19,959 --> 00:56:24,214
And she goes, "No, she doesn't
like people that are like me."
1045
00:56:24,297 --> 00:56:25,715
And I said, "That's not true."
1046
00:56:25,799 --> 00:56:28,510
"Don't you dare say that.
Don't you dare think that, that's wrong."
1047
00:56:28,593 --> 00:56:30,136
"She's being a bad girl."
1048
00:56:30,220 --> 00:56:32,263
"This is very strange.
I've never seen her do this."
1049
00:56:32,347 --> 00:56:35,266
"She usually doesn't like Black people.
I've never seen this before."
1050
00:56:37,811 --> 00:56:39,979
She's black, by the way. She's black.
1051
00:56:40,605 --> 00:56:42,357
My dog. My dog is black.
1052
00:56:43,108 --> 00:56:44,651
The handicapped girl is white.
1053
00:56:45,443 --> 00:56:47,028
They're always white.
1054
00:56:59,040 --> 00:57:00,917
Does anybody want to debate me on it?
1055
00:57:08,758 --> 00:57:10,844
Because here's the best part of the joke.
1056
00:57:11,344 --> 00:57:13,304
Here's the best part of the joke to me.
1057
00:57:15,223 --> 00:57:16,724
Is that the story is not true.
1058
00:57:19,185 --> 00:57:20,353
None of it's true.
1059
00:57:21,020 --> 00:57:24,180
Not even a little bit. It's all fake.
It's all totally made up. It's fabricated.
1060
00:57:24,983 --> 00:57:26,484
But it took you on a ride.
1061
00:57:27,610 --> 00:57:29,696
You were there.
You were in the hardware store.
1062
00:57:29,779 --> 00:57:31,823
You knew what it looked like,
what it smelled like.
1063
00:57:31,906 --> 00:57:33,992
You constructed it in your mind.
1064
00:57:34,075 --> 00:57:36,703
You made it taste how
you wanted it to fucking taste.
1065
00:57:37,495 --> 00:57:38,997
I didn't do it. You did it.
1066
00:57:40,039 --> 00:57:41,124
You did it.
1067
00:57:41,708 --> 00:57:44,711
Huh? We paint the picture.
Who's holding the brush?
1068
00:57:46,254 --> 00:57:48,465
I want you to raise your hand if,
when I told the story,
1069
00:57:48,548 --> 00:57:51,593
you saw a non-white
mentally handicapped girl.
1070
00:57:53,720 --> 00:57:55,889
Yeah. Yeah.
1071
00:57:55,972 --> 00:57:58,475
How's that taste?
How does that taste? Huh?
1072
00:57:59,934 --> 00:58:00,934
Yeah.
1073
00:58:01,769 --> 00:58:02,896
You'll all be driving home,
1074
00:58:02,979 --> 00:58:05,732
"They are usually white.
I don't know what it is."
1075
00:58:07,066 --> 00:58:09,694
Denver, I hope you enjoyed the burger.
Thank you so very much.
1076
00:58:11,738 --> 00:58:12,864
Thank you, guys.
1077
00:58:13,573 --> 00:58:15,325
Thank you so very much, Denver!
1078
00:58:17,243 --> 00:58:18,495
I love you guys.
1079
00:58:19,120 --> 00:58:22,207
Thank you so much.
Goodbye, you guys. Good night.
1080
00:58:22,290 --> 00:58:23,458
Thank you, guys.
89481
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