All language subtitles for The League Of Gentlemen s04e03 .eng

Let us begin.

Get some placards and paint
and phone Rent A Mob.

We're not going down without a fight.

I need you to tell me where Richie is.

I won't do it.

We pass you to him, we pass him to you.

We pass you to him, we pass him to you.

History will not be repeated.

In this house, we don't die.

There are many theories surrounding
the abduction of the journalist

and the council worker

and speculation still surrounds
the motive.

Disturbing scenes there.

And what exactly does he mean
when he says

"We are a local shop for local people?"

Is he implying we're unwilling to
trade with other territories...?

No, no, it's the exact opposite,

he's saying we've had enough of what
he calls "petty meddling."

We own a shop, a good shop...

..a shop we should be
proud of,

and I, for one, am sick of people
trying to talk our country down...

Poppycock.
Piping words into my mouth.

Now, apparently the Daily Mail
want to speak to us.

That's just a phoner...
And then they want us

on the Andrew Marr show on Sunday
morning...

No screens at the table, Tubbs.
You know what I said!

- You're becoming addicted.
- One sec, just update my Insta...

No!
Give it to me.

We are local news for local people.

We are of no interest to the
outside world.

The siege is entering it's second
day in the town of Royston Vasey...

Synced & corrected by minouhse
www.addic7ed.com

_

No comment!

Leave me alone!

_

_

_

Another communication from the police.

They're worried we're
mistreating the hostages...

We're not mistreating you, are we?

I did a trumpet on my one!

Ooop!

I know you're very angry about this
boundary change...

How many more times -
we don't like change!

If we had Apple Pay
we wouldn't need change!

Silence.

I'm sure if you told the authorities
what your demands were,

they would be willing to do a deal.

Local authorities?

Yes.
I suppose so.

Very well.

Let's talk shop.

Ooh!
Come on, you beggar.

Yeah, I'll have that
mix for you by lunchtime tomorrow.

I'll push the bass on it,
get it pumping.

Yeah.
I'll catch you later.

That's all done for you now, Mr Tim.

Hey, no worries.
Call me Slim.

That's what I was known as on the
Manchester Scene, back in the '90s.

You know anything about the music
business?

No, not really.

It's all about the polishing for me now.

- Has to be.
- Not like it used to be, of course.

I've got a million-pound
recording studio in here.

Have you?
I saw you had an en-suite, but...

No. All in here.
Amazing what they can do these days.

Anyway, I'm wasting your time.
You've got floors to polish.

No, no, no, no.
It's fascinating.

I remember what things used to be like,

patchbays full of cables
like spaghetti.

- You were in a band?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We didn't do too bad.
Pub scene, you know.

The Whip next to City Varieties.
Did a bit of telly.

Did the pilot of Get It Together
with Roy North and Olly the Owl.

Non-broadcast, like.

I played on Mississippi by Pussycat.

Demo.

We had our own outfit, Creme Brulee.
You might have heard of us?

- No.
- No, no, I expect not.

So you packed it all in, then?

Yeah. I did have a go on my own,
but pipe dreams, you know.

Well. I best get on, Mr Slim.

I'll leave you me card in case
you want these doing again.

They should be all right for a few
months, but they do tend to scuff...

..over time.

Well, I'll bear that in mind.
Good luck.

- Les...
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Growing up in Herzoslovakia in 1970s,
times were dark.

We could only eat mice
and make love to our fathers.

But there was one light in darkness.

Sweet Suite by Leslie McQueen.

_

What are we fancying love?

Um, probably have my usual calamari.

I'm not that hungry, actually.

Probably just going to go for four
or five starters.

Oh, no...

- What?
- Hey, Luigi! The party's here!

Ah, my favourite signora.
You want to sit in the window?

Yeah, all right.

No, no, we want to be in the middle,
don't we, Scott?

We don't get to come out very often.

- Speaking of which, hello, Charlie!
- Stella.

Would you like me to push the tables
together so you are one group?

No, you're all right thanks, Luigi.

We're not together any more.

- Look, why don't we get a takeaway?
- No, it's a free country.

What's the point of having a toy-boy
if I can't show you off?

Stop it!

I'm going for a fag.

That's what you did, isn't it, Charlie?

Went for a fag.

- Are you going to let her speak to us like that?
- She's fine.

It's not fine. Stand up to her.
Otherwise, you'll never move on.

Yeah, all right, Gordon. You don't
have to shove it down my throat.

I'm going for a ciggy, as well.

Don't try and bum my boyfriend,
will you?

Why not? He might enjoy it.
Your last one did.

I don't.

- If anything, Gordon prefers...
- I don't want to hear it, Charlie.

Listen, Stella,

it's none of my business,
but the wheelchair, the black eye...

Are you all right?

Luigi! Come and make me laugh
like you used to.

- She's deflecting, Luigi.
- Can he not allow me to be happy, Luigi?

- I never stopped loving her, Luigi.
- I only want to have fun, Luigi.

Gordon never listens to me, Luigi.

Scott's got a temper on him, Luigi.
He's put so much weight on, Luigi!

I've got a slow metabolism, Luigi!

- We're going now, Luigi.
- Don't let him take me, Luigi.

- She can have hers in a doggy-bag, Luigi.
- I'm just a mouth to him, Luigi.

I pretend it's Stella, Luigi.

- I lie to the doctors, Luigi.
- My mother died young, Luigi.

I'm more lonely
when I'm with him, Luigi.

- I've confused love with food, Luigi.
- I'm so frightened, Luigi!

- She can't make me hard, Luigi.
- Help us, Luigi!

- What do we do, Luigi?
- How do we choose, Luigi?

Well...

Have you looked at the Specials Board?

- Oh, no, we haven't, actually!
- You never think to do that, do you?

Excuse me, sir.

We've done our homework.
Would you like an apple?

I told you.
No Swot Team.

You must be Edward?

That's right.

I'm Gareth Chapman, and I'm a
trained hostage negotiator.

Sorry, I didn't catch your name.

- Right. Shall we just..
- Tubbs!

OK.

- Do you mind if I...
- Please.

So, um...

Why don't we start with you
telling me your opening position?

On top with my eyes closed,
if it's any of your business.

I know you've said that the hostages
aren't for sale at any price.

- This is a shop. Nothing is for sale!
- I appreciate that.

I'm not here to butter you up
and then go behind your back.

That's his opening position.

Tubbs!

Why don't you fix our guest a drink?

Use a clean glass.

Now, you must appreciate that
I can't negotiate

without establishing whether Ellie
and Lindsey are safe and sound.

He's using their names
so we see them as people

rather than bargaining chips.

Very clever trick.
All in good time.

Here.

- Would you like a chocolate biscuit?
- No, I'm fine, thanks.

I might just let that
cool down for a bit.

I believe you're unhappy with
the shape of the county line?

Oh, that's Edward.
He likes me to shave it all off.

But moving the boundary could be
good for your new town.

Bring new business investment,
more diversity, more customers.

No!

For the final time, this is a local
shop for local people!

- There's nothing for strangers here.
- All right, OK.

I thought it might come to this.

Can I borrow your phone?

It's only got 32%!

Oh, all right.

Yeah, this is the Tin Man.
Can I speak to Dorothy?

Just do it!

Thank you.

Mr Tattsyrup...

I have the Prime Minister
on the phone for you.

Yes, that's right,
we make everything on site.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, no problem.

_

I'll have them
for you by the end of the day.

- Can I help you?
- I hope so, Richie.

I hope so.

That's right - walk this way.

Slowly.
Slowly.

Slowly.

Where have I been? So dark.
So murky.

You've been a very, very long
way away from us,

but now you're back.

The clouds are clearing, Valerie.

The clouds are clearing.

But what is this mess?

Things have just got a little
out of hand, that's all.

A Toilet Duck! I thought
I'd banned such things from here.

This item trivialises
the importance of water-closet care.

Who could tolerate such a jovial
approach

to the maintenance and cleanliness
of the lavatory pan?

I know, Harvey.
But it's just it's so much easier

than using table salt and a toothbrush.

A toilet is no place for a duck!

Harvey, please...
I...

What next in this descent?

A lavatory brush?

The tool of Satan himself.
But how do we clean the brush?

Put it in the sink?
But the sink is used for washing hands.

Nothing will ever be clean again!

An endless cycle of foulness
and feculence. Gloves!

I must have gloves!

Grrr!
Look at this mess!

- Abomination!
- Oh, girls. What have we done?

A spoon in the knife drawer!

Hey, Murray, have you seen these?

They're selling them everywhere.

What's going on?

I thought the tide had turned,
the people are on our side?

Someone from County Hall rang.

Seems the reason for this boundary
change

is because the land's been sold for
fracking.

Is that where they all
watch each other in cars?

No, it's heavy drilling,
but not the kind you mean.

Seems they didn't want to bother

with the rigmarole of public
consultations.

Easier just to let the town
disappear with a bit of paperwork.

What daft twat signed that?

You did.

_

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_

Whatever happened to man
Les McQueen? Rumours abound.

He shot dead by authorities
for inspiring revolutionary fervour.

He stabbed with poisoned
umbrella like Georgy Markov.

He grow fat
and die on toilet like Elvis

but public toilet in Todmorden.

Not like Elvis.

Where is Les McQueen now?

If he were to be found,
he would be world famous,

or quite famous in Herzoslovakia,
which is better than nothing.

Oh, Leslie McQueen.

Hey...

So you see, Les, the offer's there.

I know the right people.

Just sign on the line that is dotted.

It's all so overwhelming, Mr Slim Tim.

We could a get a top backing
band together.

Ray Stiles from Mud.
I used to know his driving instructor.

And then there's...
Oh, no. Yewtree.

Les. Les, this is all about you.
Forget the others, forget the band.

- This is Les McGann.
- McQueen.

McQueen!
The hero returns.

All your troubles taken care of.

All your dreams come true.

You've seen the news. This town is
going down the pan anyway, probably.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Do you know what?

On reflection, I don't think so,
Mr Slim.

It is a shit business.

The thing about polishing,

you know where you stand, on a floor.

A polished floor.

It's dependable.
It's not a fantasy.

I mean, they do get slippy,

and you must never put a rug on them
afterwards. But...

It's solid.

Thanks all the same.

Well, if you're sure.

I'll see myself out.

On your knees, Richie.
On your knees!

When I had to go
away on my little holiday,

what was the business I entrust to you?

- Key cutting.
- What's that?

- Key cutting business.
- That's right. Key cutting business.

A key cutter cuts keys.

Maybe, just maybe,

he repairs shoes as well.

But when he starts dealing in tankards,

in trophies, in cake slices...
Why not sell anything?

Why not sell big craps in boxes?

- It was just an idea.
- An idea that make me bankrupt!

Well, Pop has ideas too, you know.

You do me in the ass.
I do you in the ass.

We're going to see how many
Piri-Piri olives

can fit in one man's shit pipe.

Your shit pipe.

And we're not going to stop until
the whole stinking jar is empty.

Oh!

But you'd better leave some room up
there for dessert, Richie...

- Not...
- Yes, nine Maverick bars.

But, Pop, they don't do Mavericks
any more.

Is OK.

I brought Picnics.

Really extraordinary scenes here, Jon.

We've just heard that
the Prime Minister

has reversed the decision
to alter the boundary lines.

This means that the town

of Royston Vasey has essentially
been saved by this couple

and they're just coming out now...
Mr and Mrs Tattsyrup, BBC News.

You must be delighted
with this decision?

Absolutely.
This is a victory for common sense.

Our father raised us to stand
up to the school-yard bully,

and that's what we've done here.

And Mrs Tattsyrup, you've really managed
to put Royston Vasey on the map.

- Map!
- Yes.

And your actions have inspired
a lot of people here,

so do you have a message for them?

I'd like to thank the Academy
and everyone who voted for me.

There's the bedroom.

There has been some criticism
over your taking of hostages

to get your message
through to the government.

How would you respond to that?

Well, I used to be in a war...

Lindsey!
Can you hear me?

And one thing you learn is that the
end justifies the means.

You can't make an omelette without
breaking a few eggs.

- And what do you mean by that?
- We didn't cut their faces off!

Oh, Christ...

Strangers are not welcome here.

This is a local town for local people!

A local country for local people!

And the will of local people
will prevail!

Stop them!
Don't let them get away!

Thank you.
We must leave now.

Is there any way you can get me
on Strictly?

Stop them!
Stop them!

Guards! Stop them!

Let that be a lesson to you.

You ruin everything you touch
with your high-minded dreams.

Your head always in the clouds.

A fairy who loves fairy stories.

Yes, Pop.

I've been away, but now I'm back.

Back in your life forever.

You see, Pop is supreme,
Pop is invincible!

Pop can do anything.

Is that right?

Oh, look!

Your Mary-queen brother has come
to your rescue

with his little dolly wife.

If you're such a big man,
why do you need to do this to them?

You're no man.
You're nothing.

Nothing?

A man who once ate
a live cat with chips.

A man who once twist another man's
head off

round the back of Halfords.

A man who could kill you like that!

I bet you couldn't fit inside this jar.

What?!

You said you could do anything.
Prove it.

I don't have to prove myself to you.

- So you can't?
- You dare doubt?

If I'm going to die,
I can dare anything.

- And I say it's impossible.
- Impossible.

- I don't believe you.
- Take care.

- I never shall.
- Never?

Nothing could make me.

Unless I see it with my own eyes.

Then, whore of an unbeliever,
before you die,

you shall see that for Pop,
nothing is impossible.

You shall see and believe.

No, Richie, no!
Not another thousand years...

I got you!
I got you!

I got you!

I got you!
I got you!

I got you! I got you!
I got you! I got you!

This can't go on, girls.

We must somehow get Benjamin back.
Break the spell.

Benjamin!
Why Benjamin?!

That agent of misrule.
That imp of the perverse.

This name will not be
mentioned in this house!

Who let Benjamin in this boy?

But now he is a man?!

His hands are my hands.

What is this?

I'm speaking to Benjamin now.
Somewhere inside this.

You must fight it.

- Fight it!
- Where have these hands been?

Even now I can feel them
constricted by a sock.

A sock placed over a fist.
Itself placed over a male member,

excited to the point
of making tummy pancakes,

but into said sock.
And

they are my hands!

Expel him, Benjamin!

End this folly!

What just happened?

Look Edward,
we need to follow blue-dot!

Oh, Murray,

what have I done?

You've turned our town
into a nameless piece of land

that can be drilled
through like a rotten tooth.

I thought they were just
laying some cable

and we'd finally be getting broadband.

I didn't know it would come to this.

Well, I hope they paid you well,
whoever they are.

He didn't pay me a penny.

Why did you do it then?

I had no choice.

He made me.

Argh!

A stitch!

Quickly, Tubbs, in here.

Do we need a pissport to go to London?

Quiet!

All clear, Tubbs.

Tubbs!

Tubbs!

Where am I?

Is this Swansea?

Who are you?
What is this place?

It's a wife-mine now.

Please, please.

Please.
Someone!

Sorry, mate.

- Excuse me.
- Hello, mate.

Does this train stop at the airport?

I need to catch a flight...

to Herzlovakia.

Well...

Goodbye, Benjamin, we shall miss you.

I hope you can forgive us.

Of course.

But you know, Auntie Val, sometimes...

..you can't go back.

I know.

I know.

But you can visit.

Yes.
You can visit.

Synced & corrected by minouhse
www.addic7ed.com

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