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1
00:00:02,086 --> 00:00:05,622
[Typing, computer beeping in error]
2
00:00:06,060 --> 00:00:08,729
- What was the reporter's name?
- His name is Billy Evans.
3
00:00:08,754 --> 00:00:10,487
You trusted a dangerous
product that you stole
4
00:00:10,489 --> 00:00:12,389
from your former company,
P.F.R. Industries,
5
00:00:12,391 --> 00:00:14,658
with a lifestyle blogger.
6
00:00:14,660 --> 00:00:17,262
He had two bags of the product,
and I-I needed them back.
7
00:00:17,867 --> 00:00:19,568
You know, I'm just trying
to wrap my mind around
8
00:00:19,569 --> 00:00:20,630
why you didn't tell your wife
9
00:00:20,631 --> 00:00:22,564
about such a big, life-changing moment.
10
00:00:22,589 --> 00:00:25,213
I was going to Fort Lauderdale
to get my job back, okay?
11
00:00:25,238 --> 00:00:27,738
And mark my words, it
was going to happen.
12
00:00:27,740 --> 00:00:29,206
So why rock the boat?
13
00:00:29,208 --> 00:00:31,909
Yeah, but you were in
the car for 36 hours,
14
00:00:31,911 --> 00:00:34,612
and you are just now crossing
the south Carolina border.
15
00:00:34,614 --> 00:00:37,648
[Sighs heavily] We
weren't making good time.
16
00:00:37,650 --> 00:00:40,684
17
00:00:45,624 --> 00:00:47,124
Why are we back here?
18
00:00:47,126 --> 00:00:50,294
- [Weakly] Revenge.
- What? On who?
19
00:00:50,296 --> 00:00:51,929
- [Vomits]
- Oh. Oh, god.
20
00:00:51,931 --> 00:00:54,398
Oh, wow. That's a lot...
that's... oh, that's so much.
21
00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:56,267
- [Groans] [Muffled voice]
- Sweetie, I'm so sorry.
22
00:00:56,269 --> 00:00:57,635
I can't help you right now.
23
00:00:57,637 --> 00:00:59,303
If I smell it, I'm... I'm gonna go, too.
24
00:00:59,305 --> 00:01:00,638
Where's your father? Nate!
25
00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:03,140
I think you need to
call the hospital truck.
26
00:01:03,142 --> 00:01:05,109
No, no. Baby, you're gonna
be fine. Just use the bag.
27
00:01:05,111 --> 00:01:08,946
[Bag rustling]
28
00:01:08,948 --> 00:01:10,548
- [Vomits]
- [Screams]
29
00:01:10,550 --> 00:01:12,082
- Oh, god!
- Mommy!
30
00:01:12,084 --> 00:01:14,718
Get out of the car, baby. Nate! Nate!
31
00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:16,654
It won't open. It won't
open! [Handle jiggling]
32
00:01:16,656 --> 00:01:18,155
Crawl in the front. Crawl in the front.
33
00:01:18,157 --> 00:01:19,757
Sweetie, open the door.
Please, open the door.
34
00:01:19,759 --> 00:01:21,225
- It's stuck! It's stuck!
- [Handle continues jiggling]
35
00:01:21,227 --> 00:01:23,027
- [Vomits loudly]
- Oh, god!
36
00:01:23,029 --> 00:01:26,397
- Get me out of here!
- Oh, god! Oh... Nate!
37
00:01:26,399 --> 00:01:28,486
- Nate, help me!
- I can't get it open!
38
00:01:28,487 --> 00:01:30,704
- Fonzie it!
- What?!
39
00:01:30,729 --> 00:01:32,996
- Fonzie!
- What is happening?!
40
00:01:32,998 --> 00:01:34,231
[Vomits loudly]
41
00:01:34,233 --> 00:01:36,299
- Oh...
- Great face.
42
00:01:36,301 --> 00:01:39,136
Man:
somewhere behind the mountains
43
00:01:39,138 --> 00:01:41,872
There is a place I figured out...
44
00:01:41,874 --> 00:01:44,508
[music warps, rewinds]
45
00:01:44,510 --> 00:01:46,704
[Whirring sound]
46
00:01:46,728 --> 00:01:47,612
_
47
00:01:47,613 --> 00:01:50,380
48
00:01:55,686 --> 00:01:57,616
[cellphone chiming]
49
00:01:57,617 --> 00:01:58,956
_
50
00:01:58,957 --> 00:02:00,557
- Who do you keep texting?
- What?
51
00:02:00,559 --> 00:02:02,692
It's nothing. It's... it's work.
52
00:02:02,694 --> 00:02:05,996
That's the 36th billboard
I've seen for that place.
53
00:02:05,998 --> 00:02:08,865
Yeah, I wanna colon-ize my dinner.
54
00:02:08,867 --> 00:02:10,534
That actually sounds
really good. I'm starving.
55
00:02:10,536 --> 00:02:11,222
Not really in the mood
56
00:02:11,223 --> 00:02:13,089
to eat at a culturally
insensitive roadside attraction.
57
00:02:13,091 --> 00:02:15,358
Well, you're about 500 years
too late on that cause, babe.
58
00:02:15,383 --> 00:02:17,116
What? I'm sorry. Would
you let your kids eat
59
00:02:17,117 --> 00:02:19,095
at a bagel shop called Schutzstaffel?
60
00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:21,482
- Called...
- Schutzstaffel.
61
00:02:21,507 --> 00:02:24,608
- I don't know what that is.
- The S.S. Super Nazis.
62
00:02:24,610 --> 00:02:26,543
Killed the Jews. Jewish
people make good bagels.
63
00:02:26,545 --> 00:02:28,191
That feels pretty
culturally insensitive.
64
00:02:28,192 --> 00:02:29,858
What are you talk...
they make great bagels.
65
00:02:29,860 --> 00:02:31,760
- "They"?
- [Stammers]
66
00:02:31,762 --> 00:02:33,362
- That's...
- Don't.
67
00:02:34,153 --> 00:02:36,353
Jared: I wanna dunk
the con-qweest-ador.
68
00:02:36,355 --> 00:02:39,029
Absolutely not. They're
trivializing murder.
69
00:02:39,030 --> 00:02:40,864
Oh, you know, not everything
has to be a talking point.
70
00:02:40,867 --> 00:02:42,663
Sometimes a taco's just a taco.
71
00:02:42,664 --> 00:02:44,946
Not when it comes with
a Geno-side of rice.
72
00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:50,021
And if the natives were with
them, then maybe, just maybe,
73
00:02:50,046 --> 00:02:51,379
they'd only be raped and pillaged.
74
00:02:51,382 --> 00:02:53,048
Against them? Forget
about it. They were shot.
75
00:02:53,050 --> 00:02:55,835
Garroted through the
streets, burned alive.
76
00:02:55,860 --> 00:02:59,763
And you want to celebrate by eating
at a place called Conquistadors?
77
00:03:00,386 --> 00:03:02,052
So...
78
00:03:02,077 --> 00:03:03,476
Conquistadors?
79
00:03:04,068 --> 00:03:05,234
Both: Yay! Yay!
80
00:03:05,236 --> 00:03:08,337
[Chanting] Conquistadors! Conquistadors!
81
00:03:08,339 --> 00:03:13,209
Conquistadors! Conquistadors!
Conquistadors! Conquistadors!
82
00:03:13,211 --> 00:03:16,445
Man over P.A.: Welcome to conquistadors.
83
00:03:16,447 --> 00:03:19,949
Come for the feast. Stay for the show.
84
00:03:19,951 --> 00:03:22,018
Can't wait to con-quer dinner.
85
00:03:22,020 --> 00:03:22,742
[Chuckles]
86
00:03:22,743 --> 00:03:24,208
I'm gonna pillage the salad bar.
87
00:03:24,210 --> 00:03:25,943
I'm gonna rape the sundae station.
88
00:03:25,945 --> 00:03:28,877
Oh, aren't you glad
you introduced that word
89
00:03:28,878 --> 00:03:29,674
- into his lexicon?
- Nope.
90
00:03:29,674 --> 00:03:30,282
[Cellphone ringing]
91
00:03:30,283 --> 00:03:31,864
It's cute, though. We should
take a picture of this.
92
00:03:31,865 --> 00:03:34,402
Um, hey, I should take
this. Can I meet you inside?
93
00:03:34,403 --> 00:03:36,925
- [Ringing continues]
- Yeah. Sure. Come on. Let's eat.
94
00:03:37,668 --> 00:03:38,603
Uh, hello?
95
00:03:38,604 --> 00:03:40,470
Woman: [Crying] I don't know what to do.
96
00:03:40,472 --> 00:03:43,751
I messed up so bad.
97
00:03:43,839 --> 00:03:44,714
Who is this?
98
00:03:44,715 --> 00:03:46,481
It's Vanessa, you dick.
99
00:03:46,483 --> 00:03:47,849
I'm using Marco's phone.
100
00:03:47,851 --> 00:03:50,992
- Who's Marco?
- He does motocross.
101
00:03:51,017 --> 00:03:53,536
He's in your living
room fixing his bike.
102
00:03:53,537 --> 00:03:54,937
Why are you calling me?
103
00:03:55,343 --> 00:03:57,643
[Crying] I killed Noonie.
104
00:03:57,668 --> 00:04:00,769
- [Sighs]
- Yeah, I was giving her a reiki treatment,
105
00:04:00,771 --> 00:04:03,105
and I think I overloaded
her body with chi.
106
00:04:03,107 --> 00:04:04,406
Oh, you're such a shit show.
107
00:04:04,408 --> 00:04:07,409
Yeah. Marco was pleasuring me,
108
00:04:07,411 --> 00:04:11,413
and that's a lot of energy
to channel into an older cat.
109
00:04:11,415 --> 00:04:14,016
- She just stopped breathing.
- Oh, my god.
110
00:04:14,018 --> 00:04:15,450
What did you do with her?
111
00:04:15,452 --> 00:04:17,119
I didn't know what to do with her body.
112
00:04:17,121 --> 00:04:18,453
So I put her in the freezer.
113
00:04:18,455 --> 00:04:23,859
[Crying] Oh, god. Robin's gonna hate me.
114
00:04:23,861 --> 00:04:25,294
I need your help, Nate.
115
00:04:25,296 --> 00:04:26,528
- Hey.
- What's up?
116
00:04:26,530 --> 00:04:28,297
- I'll do anything.
- Really? Anything?
117
00:04:28,298 --> 00:04:30,435
Well, I'm not sucking you off.
118
00:04:30,436 --> 00:04:32,203
- Ew! No!
- [Sniffs]
119
00:04:32,625 --> 00:04:33,891
No. I got a job for you.
120
00:04:33,943 --> 00:04:35,609
- Okay.
- I'll give you a hand job.
121
00:04:35,611 --> 00:04:38,545
No! What's the matter with you?
122
00:04:38,547 --> 00:04:40,113
[Dramatic music playing]
123
00:04:40,115 --> 00:04:41,515
Oh, my god.
124
00:04:41,517 --> 00:04:45,085
Man: The year 1519...
125
00:04:45,087 --> 00:04:47,588
brave, Nobel Christian soldiers
126
00:04:47,590 --> 00:04:51,825
- landed on the savage coast of ancient Mexico...
- [Shouts indistinctly]
127
00:04:51,827 --> 00:04:55,228
In a city called... "Teno-shit-lan."
128
00:04:55,230 --> 00:04:58,950
They were called the conquistadors.
129
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:02,134
These gentlemen of
god offered friendship
130
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:05,003
in exchange for gold.
131
00:05:05,909 --> 00:05:08,329
But sadly, the ungrateful heathens
132
00:05:08,354 --> 00:05:10,921
clung to their violent customs,
133
00:05:11,487 --> 00:05:14,276
forcing the conquistadors'
reluctant hands.
134
00:05:14,980 --> 00:05:19,383
[Grunting, screaming]
135
00:05:19,408 --> 00:05:22,275
[Mouths words]
136
00:05:24,033 --> 00:05:27,902
No! No! Aah!
137
00:05:27,904 --> 00:05:31,105
[Cheering, ululating]
138
00:05:31,107 --> 00:05:32,873
[Applause]
139
00:05:32,875 --> 00:05:35,373
Wow. It is actually worse
than I thought it would be.
140
00:05:35,374 --> 00:05:36,940
- I liked it.
- I didn't.
141
00:05:36,942 --> 00:05:38,108
[Robin laughs]
142
00:05:38,110 --> 00:05:41,745
Hey, um...
143
00:05:41,747 --> 00:05:44,014
The cat...
144
00:05:44,016 --> 00:05:45,448
She died.
145
00:05:45,902 --> 00:05:49,737
Oh, god. Vanessa. I-I
knew she was gonna screw...
146
00:05:49,739 --> 00:05:51,139
she is such a shit show.
147
00:05:51,141 --> 00:05:53,141
You know what? It's
actually not her fault
148
00:05:53,143 --> 00:05:54,275
- in this particular situation.
- [Groans]
149
00:05:54,276 --> 00:05:56,642
- She feels really bad, too.
- Poor Noonie.
150
00:05:56,667 --> 00:05:57,626
I know.
151
00:05:57,651 --> 00:06:00,526
If I might offer a
few words of comfort.
152
00:06:00,792 --> 00:06:01,924
Thank you. [Sniffles]
153
00:06:01,949 --> 00:06:04,278
I can assure you she's in
a much better place now.
154
00:06:04,279 --> 00:06:06,345
Well, by a better place,
you mean the freezer,
155
00:06:06,346 --> 00:06:08,079
then yeah. [Crunches]
156
00:06:08,081 --> 00:06:10,615
- Revenge! Revenge!
- [Groaning]
157
00:06:10,617 --> 00:06:12,451
[Mouth full] I can't
believe I'm gonna say this,
158
00:06:12,453 --> 00:06:15,620
but these small
pox-stickers are delicious.
159
00:06:15,622 --> 00:06:17,823
And they've got oysters? [Laughs]
160
00:06:17,825 --> 00:06:20,025
Winner, winner, conquer
dinner! [Taps counter]
161
00:06:20,027 --> 00:06:23,161
Oysters! On my plate! That was rude.
162
00:06:23,163 --> 00:06:25,063
- That's the shtick here.
- No, it's not.
163
00:06:25,065 --> 00:06:27,532
Oysters with an "s."
164
00:06:27,534 --> 00:06:29,401
- There's three of us.
- Oh, yeah. Of course.
165
00:06:29,403 --> 00:06:31,102
- Right.
- Sorry about that.
166
00:06:31,104 --> 00:06:33,839
- [Cellphone ringing]
- Mm.
167
00:06:33,841 --> 00:06:35,407
Billy, hi, man. Um...
168
00:06:35,409 --> 00:06:37,342
- Listen, I-I...
- Nate Parker.
169
00:06:37,822 --> 00:06:39,555
Yeah, sorry about all the texts, but I
170
00:06:39,558 --> 00:06:41,590
gotta talk to you about, uh,
those packages that I left you.
171
00:06:41,615 --> 00:06:42,724
Yeah, just give me a second, dude.
172
00:06:42,725 --> 00:06:45,091
Oh, they smell like
the bottom of the ocean.
173
00:06:45,093 --> 00:06:46,326
[Whispers] Just brave bites.
174
00:06:46,328 --> 00:06:47,751
Man, so you really got me pumped
175
00:06:47,752 --> 00:06:49,409
about doing good journalism stuff.
176
00:06:49,410 --> 00:06:51,343
I mean, I even bought a book about it,
177
00:06:51,345 --> 00:06:53,245
and I've almost started reading it.
178
00:06:53,247 --> 00:06:54,813
That's... Terrific, man.
179
00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:57,661
But like I said, uh, I'm
gonna need that package back.
180
00:06:57,686 --> 00:07:00,084
Oh, hey. Can you hold on for a sec?
181
00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:01,520
[Kissing sounds]
182
00:07:01,522 --> 00:07:03,889
- Did you black out last night?
- No.
183
00:07:03,891 --> 00:07:07,559
I should've taken the
drugs UYB... up your bum.
184
00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:10,596
185
00:07:13,166 --> 00:07:15,601
It was a 23-year relationship.
186
00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:18,504
And now it's just gone
forever. [Sniffles]
187
00:07:18,506 --> 00:07:20,439
What happens when we die?
188
00:07:20,441 --> 00:07:22,975
Does it just, like, go
black and then nothing?
189
00:07:22,977 --> 00:07:26,654
No. Heavens, no. What...
what was your kitty's name?
190
00:07:27,782 --> 00:07:29,348
It was...
191
00:07:29,350 --> 00:07:31,850
- It was Noonie.
- Noonie. I like that name.
192
00:07:32,554 --> 00:07:36,359
Noonie's gone to a place
with ample sunbeams to nap in,
193
00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:38,180
limitless bags to climb in,
194
00:07:38,181 --> 00:07:40,858
and scratching posts
the size of skyscrapers.
195
00:07:40,859 --> 00:07:42,534
- Are there mice up there for her?
- Yeah!
196
00:07:42,535 --> 00:07:45,236
Big, fat, tuna-stuffed
ones that run real slow.
197
00:07:45,238 --> 00:07:46,904
Actually, um, sweetie, the reason
198
00:07:46,906 --> 00:07:48,640
that we haven't talked to
you about this is because
199
00:07:48,642 --> 00:07:50,508
we would like for you guys to gather up
200
00:07:50,510 --> 00:07:52,677
all the empirical scientific proof
201
00:07:52,679 --> 00:07:54,178
and form your own opinion about whether
202
00:07:54,180 --> 00:07:56,247
you believe that kitty cat heaven does,
203
00:07:56,249 --> 00:07:58,402
or... Mostly likely, does not exist.
204
00:07:58,427 --> 00:08:03,377
Well, lucky for Noonie... She believes.
205
00:08:03,402 --> 00:08:04,584
[Gasps] Oh, my god.
206
00:08:04,585 --> 00:08:06,284
Jesus loves Noonie.
207
00:08:06,286 --> 00:08:07,725
Eh... Careful.
208
00:08:08,499 --> 00:08:10,666
- Here you go.
- Seriously, dude, what do I have
209
00:08:10,668 --> 00:08:12,061
to do to get a normal-sized
serving of oysters?
210
00:08:12,062 --> 00:08:14,672
- Well, sir, as a... ow!
- Whoa!
211
00:08:15,382 --> 00:08:17,715
- Aztecs don't twerk.
- Whoo, whoo, whoo!
212
00:08:17,740 --> 00:08:19,607
- Stage is that way.
- Whoo, whoo!
213
00:08:20,085 --> 00:08:21,097
Bye-ee.
214
00:08:21,098 --> 00:08:23,389
Hey, Parker. Naughty
Nate, you with me, chief?
215
00:08:23,414 --> 00:08:26,159
- Yeah. Yeah, still here.
- Hey, sorry about that.
216
00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:26,943
- That's all right.
- [Women whooping]
217
00:08:26,944 --> 00:08:29,024
So believe it or not,
this story's kinda big.
218
00:08:29,025 --> 00:08:32,062
Uh, yeah, I do believe it,
'cause I gave you the story.
219
00:08:32,087 --> 00:08:33,311
- [Whooping continues]
- And that is why
220
00:08:33,312 --> 00:08:35,813
I am sending someone to
come collect the product.
221
00:08:35,838 --> 00:08:37,838
I hear that, dude, and
respect, man, respect.
222
00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:41,851
But this stuff here is something
called "cor-borating" evidence.
223
00:08:41,876 --> 00:08:43,203
That's not how you pronounce it.
224
00:08:43,204 --> 00:08:44,670
Women: Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay!
225
00:08:44,672 --> 00:08:47,239
So... Looks like I gotta keep it.
226
00:08:47,241 --> 00:08:48,000
[Ululating]
227
00:08:48,025 --> 00:08:50,788
What is it I'm doing that makes
you think I'm enjoying this?
228
00:08:50,813 --> 00:08:52,251
Let me know 'cause I'll stop doing it.
229
00:08:52,252 --> 00:08:55,253
- [Women continue chanting]
- That's... Very racist.
230
00:08:55,255 --> 00:08:56,763
[Women ululating]
231
00:08:58,461 --> 00:08:59,661
We won
232
00:08:59,663 --> 00:09:01,663
-
We won
- [Clink]
233
00:09:02,706 --> 00:09:06,235
Now god's work is done
234
00:09:06,570 --> 00:09:08,470
We won
235
00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:10,877
We won
236
00:09:11,515 --> 00:09:13,449
Let's enjoy
237
00:09:13,474 --> 00:09:16,341
Teno-shit-lan
238
00:09:17,789 --> 00:09:22,475
In Jesus' name, we
tamed the savages
239
00:09:22,476 --> 00:09:25,610
Listen to me, man, the product,
it's irrelevant to the story.
240
00:09:25,611 --> 00:09:27,214
Okay? That's why I need it back.
241
00:09:27,215 --> 00:09:28,715
Your boss made it seem pretty important.
242
00:09:28,717 --> 00:09:30,683
I mean, you said he
really wanted it back.
243
00:09:30,685 --> 00:09:31,818
You called my boss?
244
00:09:31,820 --> 00:09:34,921
...our soul from sacrifice and...
245
00:09:35,162 --> 00:09:36,262
Oh, my god. You...
246
00:09:36,287 --> 00:09:38,892
hey, dude. Just hold
on one second again.
247
00:09:38,893 --> 00:09:40,826
Do not put me on hold!
248
00:09:40,828 --> 00:09:45,331
-
Our skin from brown to white
- [Sings operatically]
white
249
00:09:45,333 --> 00:09:48,000
You are honestly the
worst journalist I have...
250
00:09:48,002 --> 00:09:49,635
We won
251
00:09:49,637 --> 00:09:51,737
We won
252
00:09:51,739 --> 00:09:55,575
Now god's work is done
253
00:09:55,577 --> 00:09:57,176
We won
254
00:09:57,178 --> 00:09:59,512
We won
255
00:09:59,514 --> 00:10:02,081
- [mouths words]
- You wanted to come here.
256
00:10:02,083 --> 00:10:05,284
Let's enjoy Teno-shit-lan
257
00:10:05,286 --> 00:10:08,754
Women:
and now they
fill our wombs with life
258
00:10:08,756 --> 00:10:11,557
Nate bone, are you there?
Why would you call my boss?
259
00:10:11,559 --> 00:10:13,159
To check my sources.
260
00:10:13,161 --> 00:10:14,527
I was your source!
261
00:10:14,529 --> 00:10:18,064
-
Teno-shit...
- Oh!
262
00:10:18,066 --> 00:10:21,167
-
LAN...
- Whoo!
263
00:10:21,169 --> 00:10:24,637
- [Women caw]
- You got me fired.
264
00:10:24,639 --> 00:10:26,472
265
00:10:26,474 --> 00:10:27,940
Hey!
266
00:10:27,942 --> 00:10:30,943
- [Cheers and applause]
- We won!
267
00:10:30,945 --> 00:10:32,878
Hey! Hey! Praise him!
268
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:36,547
Hallelujah! He has spoken. We won!
269
00:10:36,572 --> 00:10:39,412
And, lord Jesus, thank
you for this bacon,
270
00:10:39,437 --> 00:10:42,171
which, at times, can be a little salty.
271
00:10:42,173 --> 00:10:44,841
Oh, that's nice. Praying for a meal.
272
00:10:44,843 --> 00:10:47,429
- How come we never do that?
- Well, if you wanna thank somebody,
273
00:10:47,454 --> 00:10:48,616
why don't you thank me?
274
00:10:48,617 --> 00:10:51,218
I make you dinner every
night, and I actually exist.
275
00:10:51,220 --> 00:10:53,320
And, lord Jesus, my light and savior,
276
00:10:53,322 --> 00:10:55,122
I wanna pray for one of your
lambs who has gone astray.
277
00:10:55,147 --> 00:10:55,722
[Sighs]
278
00:10:55,724 --> 00:10:57,425
Maybe she one day see the folly
279
00:10:57,426 --> 00:10:58,659
of her blind, ignorant ways.
280
00:10:58,661 --> 00:10:59,900
Stop. Please, don't. Don't pray for me.
281
00:10:59,901 --> 00:11:00,710
She knows not what she says.
282
00:11:00,735 --> 00:11:02,633
Oh, no. She knows
exactly what she says.
283
00:11:02,658 --> 00:11:04,291
- Unlike your long-suffering wife here.
- Please, don't listen.
284
00:11:04,292 --> 00:11:07,171
- I am not...
- Gladys, damn it! Let me finish.
285
00:11:07,733 --> 00:11:09,930
Please spare this mouthy femin-atheist
286
00:11:09,955 --> 00:11:12,773
from boiling in the lake
of eternal fire. Amen.
287
00:11:12,774 --> 00:11:13,882
Praise him. Let's eat.
288
00:11:13,883 --> 00:11:16,039
Okay, great. Yeah, you
know, two can play this game.
289
00:11:16,064 --> 00:11:17,630
- Come here. Give me your hands.
- It's not a game.
290
00:11:17,632 --> 00:11:19,727
Dear Jesus, I would like
to lodge a complaint against
291
00:11:19,728 --> 00:11:21,916
one of your very
condescending disciples.
292
00:11:21,941 --> 00:11:24,008
You're being so disrespectful.
293
00:11:24,010 --> 00:11:25,476
- I am?
- Yes.
294
00:11:25,478 --> 00:11:27,378
Delilah, it's okay. I'm a minister.
295
00:11:27,380 --> 00:11:31,349
- The lord took my call first. She's call number 666.
- [Scoffs]
296
00:11:31,351 --> 00:11:34,690
She's gonna be on eternal hold.
297
00:11:34,866 --> 00:11:36,594
[Imitates busy signal buzzing]
298
00:11:36,595 --> 00:11:37,960
That's not what it sounds like.
299
00:11:37,962 --> 00:11:40,996
Who dare dunk the conquist-ador?
300
00:11:40,998 --> 00:11:44,933
Man: Puny Aztec, you will
never penetrate his armor.
301
00:11:44,935 --> 00:11:47,724
- Ha ha ha ha! Again!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
302
00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:48,982
Take that thing off your head.
303
00:11:48,983 --> 00:11:50,369
Don't you realize how offensive that is?
304
00:11:50,370 --> 00:11:52,235
Don't distract me. If I dunk this guy,
305
00:11:52,238 --> 00:11:53,778
I win this really cool hat.
306
00:11:53,803 --> 00:11:55,634
Just gotta hit the
little chink in the armor.
307
00:11:55,635 --> 00:11:57,575
Wow. Are you kidding me with that shit?
308
00:11:57,600 --> 00:11:58,401
Hey, buddy.
309
00:11:58,404 --> 00:12:00,437
Do not talk that way to my son.
310
00:12:01,272 --> 00:12:03,326
- You mean your racist son?
- Oh, shit, no.
311
00:12:03,327 --> 00:12:05,494
- Oh, shit, yes.
- No, no, no. No, no.
312
00:12:05,496 --> 00:12:07,551
- H-he was... He meant...
- Yeah, what?
313
00:12:07,576 --> 00:12:09,609
- N-not...
- Oh, yeah? Yeah, say it, man.
314
00:12:09,611 --> 00:12:11,111
I'm not gonna say it in that context.
315
00:12:11,113 --> 00:12:13,480
Well, you shouldn't say it
in any context. It's racist.
316
00:12:13,482 --> 00:12:16,016
[Explosions]
317
00:12:16,018 --> 00:12:17,651
[Patrons murmuring]
318
00:12:17,653 --> 00:12:20,343
- [Touchscreen clicking]
- Delilah, you know, it takes more faith
319
00:12:20,344 --> 00:12:23,399
to not believe in something
than it does to believe.
320
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:25,473
Oh. But I'm not gonna blame the acorn
321
00:12:25,474 --> 00:12:27,679
for growing in the
shade of the oak tree.
322
00:12:27,704 --> 00:12:31,169
There. I just became a
minister, too, on my phone.
323
00:12:31,170 --> 00:12:34,004
- [Fanfare playing]
- I guess Jesus is gonna take my call now, huh?
324
00:12:34,006 --> 00:12:37,633
Hey, Jesus, what's up? Can
you rain down some frogs
325
00:12:37,634 --> 00:12:39,734
or locusts or whatever
bullshit you can whip up
326
00:12:39,736 --> 00:12:43,071
to get this guy off my ass? Thanks.
327
00:12:43,073 --> 00:12:46,174
[Chuckles] It's fine. I won.
328
00:12:46,176 --> 00:12:48,212
- [Explosions continue]
- Please, do not call my son a racist.
329
00:12:48,213 --> 00:12:50,579
The racist doesn't fall too
far from the racist tree.
330
00:12:50,582 --> 00:12:52,248
Okay, hey, you're wearing armor.
331
00:12:52,250 --> 00:12:55,151
That's the one time you can
use it. It's the expression.
332
00:12:55,153 --> 00:12:57,454
- [Explosions continue]
- What about weakness in the armor?
333
00:12:57,456 --> 00:12:58,755
- That's an expression.
- No, it's not.
334
00:12:58,757 --> 00:13:00,557
You could say, "opening in the armor."
335
00:13:00,559 --> 00:13:01,958
Yeah, you could. People don't.
336
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:03,259
What about "hole"?
337
00:13:03,261 --> 00:13:05,195
A hole. "Hole" is great.
"Hole" doesn't involve you...
338
00:13:05,197 --> 00:13:07,831
Oh... Spouting a
dictionary-defined racial slur,
339
00:13:07,833 --> 00:13:09,566
which apparently your
father hasn't taught you
340
00:13:09,568 --> 00:13:11,034
- is what racists do.
- [Touchscreen clicking]
341
00:13:11,036 --> 00:13:13,504
Yeah, okay, and the first
dictionary definition
342
00:13:13,505 --> 00:13:15,920
- of that word is...
- Oh, great, you're that guy?
343
00:13:15,921 --> 00:13:19,855
"A narrow opening or crack,
as in... in someone's armor."
344
00:13:19,858 --> 00:13:22,246
- No.
- I am not a racist, all right?
345
00:13:22,247 --> 00:13:23,508
I'm a crusader for the little guy.
346
00:13:23,509 --> 00:13:25,342
We don't need people
like you. I meant...
347
00:13:26,765 --> 00:13:28,589
- I meant the underrepresented.
- Uh-huh.
348
00:13:28,614 --> 00:13:30,899
- [Explosions continue]
- Yeah, look, I didn't even wanna come here
349
00:13:30,900 --> 00:13:33,123
- 'cause it's inappropriate.
- How is this inappropriate?
350
00:13:33,124 --> 00:13:33,874
Are you kidding me?
351
00:13:33,875 --> 00:13:36,346
All of your Aztec dancers are white.
352
00:13:36,371 --> 00:13:39,005
- So what?
- We're celebrating the liberation
353
00:13:39,006 --> 00:13:40,137
of an oppressed people.
354
00:13:40,138 --> 00:13:42,537
You're celebrating genocide, okay?
355
00:13:42,540 --> 00:13:44,760
- [People murmuring]
- Am I losing my mind here?
356
00:13:44,785 --> 00:13:47,154
- No, no, you are not.
- Thank you.
357
00:13:47,155 --> 00:13:49,205
We common sense folk
need to stick together.
358
00:13:49,229 --> 00:13:49,888
We do.
359
00:13:49,889 --> 00:13:51,756
We're all walking on eggshells,
360
00:13:51,758 --> 00:13:53,750
and over what? Words?
361
00:13:53,751 --> 00:13:56,285
Exactly. Words. They're just words!
362
00:13:56,287 --> 00:13:58,420
We have to examine
the intent behind them.
363
00:13:58,422 --> 00:13:59,910
It's like we can't say anything anymore.
364
00:13:59,911 --> 00:14:01,831
I mean, first we couldn't say "yellow."
365
00:14:01,856 --> 00:14:02,471
Mm.
366
00:14:02,472 --> 00:14:04,238
Then we couldn't say "oriental."
367
00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:06,244
Next, you're gonna tell me
we can't say "ching-Chong."
368
00:14:06,245 --> 00:14:06,654
[Scoffs]
369
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:07,880
Yeah. You can... you
can never say that.
370
00:14:07,882 --> 00:14:09,473
Well, then, hell, what
am I supposed to call him?
371
00:14:09,474 --> 00:14:10,777
Yeah, you could just
call me by my name.
372
00:14:10,802 --> 00:14:11,508
Yeah, which is...
373
00:14:11,510 --> 00:14:14,763
- Which is Brian.
- No. How do I describe him?
374
00:14:14,788 --> 00:14:16,674
There's a guy right there named Brian.
375
00:14:16,699 --> 00:14:19,745
- Thank you.
- Oh, can we even use "Brian" anymore?
376
00:14:19,770 --> 00:14:22,623
Or is that only something
that Brians call each other?
377
00:14:22,624 --> 00:14:24,270
- What?
- Nate. Nate, what the hell?
378
00:14:24,272 --> 00:14:26,101
Babe, thank god. Back me up here.
379
00:14:26,102 --> 00:14:28,536
What... what do you
call this right here?
380
00:14:28,538 --> 00:14:31,372
- What? His chest?
- No, no, no. The hole in the armor.
381
00:14:31,374 --> 00:14:34,324
- A hole.
- No. No. The expression, babe.
382
00:14:34,349 --> 00:14:36,865
I don't know! I-I... a
weakness in the armor?
383
00:14:36,866 --> 00:14:38,171
No! It's a chink.
384
00:14:38,172 --> 00:14:39,271
- Whoa!
- Crowd: Ohh!
385
00:14:39,273 --> 00:14:41,101
Oh, my god! Nate. Why
would you say that?
386
00:14:41,102 --> 00:14:43,528
No. He's talking about
the chink in the armor,
387
00:14:43,529 --> 00:14:45,627
who apparently prefers
to be called "Brian."
388
00:14:45,628 --> 00:14:47,557
- [Crowd gasps]
- Lady, shut the [Bleep] up.
389
00:14:47,582 --> 00:14:48,816
- Shut up!
- Nate, Nate, Nate, Nate.
390
00:14:48,817 --> 00:14:50,551
Just, please, say you're
sorry and let's go.
391
00:14:50,553 --> 00:14:53,623
No, I'm not apologizing.
Okay? Because I'm right!
392
00:14:53,624 --> 00:14:55,324
You know what word you
shouldn't call people?
393
00:14:55,326 --> 00:14:58,126
Is "racist," okay? 'Cause it
makes you feel, like, this big.
394
00:14:58,128 --> 00:14:59,862
That's it.
395
00:14:59,864 --> 00:15:02,097
What's it?
396
00:15:02,099 --> 00:15:05,067
Oh, dude, dude. No, no.
No! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
397
00:15:05,069 --> 00:15:07,836
[Crowd screams and gasps]
398
00:15:07,861 --> 00:15:10,979
- He can't swim!
- [Crowd clamoring]
399
00:15:11,004 --> 00:15:12,437
I accept your challenge, Jesus.
400
00:15:12,439 --> 00:15:15,373
[Crowd shouting
indistinctly and screaming]
401
00:15:15,375 --> 00:15:19,477
Come to me, little man!
Come into my arms for Jesus.
402
00:15:19,479 --> 00:15:20,430
[Crowd clamoring]
403
00:15:20,454 --> 00:15:23,281
Minister: Baptism is real!
Come into my arms!
404
00:15:23,283 --> 00:15:27,285
[Applause]
405
00:15:27,287 --> 00:15:29,387
I saved the little baby Jesus!
406
00:15:31,985 --> 00:15:33,453
You okay?
407
00:15:33,455 --> 00:15:34,821
Yes.
408
00:15:34,823 --> 00:15:36,758
Do we need to call a
session of family court?
409
00:15:36,783 --> 00:15:40,252
No. Family court is to
decide what TV show to watch,
410
00:15:40,254 --> 00:15:41,586
not to decide whether or not
411
00:15:41,588 --> 00:15:43,222
I'm some sort of angry old white guy.
412
00:15:43,223 --> 00:15:45,989
Well, the court says you have
power over one of those things.
413
00:15:46,475 --> 00:15:49,510
I heard the whole thing,
and I think dad was right.
414
00:15:49,512 --> 00:15:51,212
Yeah, your dad likes
to think he's right.
415
00:15:51,213 --> 00:15:53,078
Since you weren't
there from the beginning
416
00:15:53,081 --> 00:15:55,378
and you don't have any
empirical scientific proof,
417
00:15:55,403 --> 00:15:57,982
maybe it's worth
believing in dad for once.
418
00:15:57,983 --> 00:15:59,302
Yeah, okay. Well, I
see what you're doing.
419
00:15:59,303 --> 00:16:00,856
Let's say... just say
for argument's sake,
420
00:16:00,857 --> 00:16:02,289
I do believe your father's right.
421
00:16:02,292 --> 00:16:04,692
Don't you think your rightness
comes at a heavy price?
422
00:16:04,694 --> 00:16:07,428
- What price?
- Your children's happiness?
423
00:16:07,430 --> 00:16:08,663
My happiness. Yours.
424
00:16:08,665 --> 00:16:10,719
Or maybe just finishing dinner?
425
00:16:12,302 --> 00:16:15,236
The prosecution rests.
426
00:16:15,238 --> 00:16:18,473
427
00:16:20,309 --> 00:16:23,444
[groans]
428
00:16:23,446 --> 00:16:24,779
You okay, pal?
429
00:16:24,781 --> 00:16:27,490
No. I feel really bad.
430
00:16:27,515 --> 00:16:28,657
Why? What's wrong?
431
00:16:28,682 --> 00:16:30,357
I think it was the
thing at the restaurant.
432
00:16:30,358 --> 00:16:32,458
- Oh.
- [Groans]
433
00:16:32,460 --> 00:16:34,579
Yeah, I feel pretty bad about that, too.
434
00:16:35,353 --> 00:16:36,354
What do I always tell you guys?
435
00:16:36,355 --> 00:16:37,987
If a word hurts somebody's feelings,
436
00:16:37,990 --> 00:16:39,223
you just don't say it.
437
00:16:39,825 --> 00:16:43,036
Yeah. My guts are all twisted up.
438
00:16:43,037 --> 00:16:46,038
Yeah, you know what
that is? That's guilt.
439
00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:48,606
God, I should've just apologized.
440
00:16:48,607 --> 00:16:50,107
I think I need to let it out.
441
00:16:50,109 --> 00:16:53,744
- You know what, pal?
- [Moaning]
442
00:16:53,746 --> 00:16:55,879
I think I do, too.
443
00:16:55,881 --> 00:16:57,547
[Moans]
444
00:16:57,549 --> 00:17:00,884
445
00:17:42,961 --> 00:17:45,429
[yawns loudly]
446
00:17:49,434 --> 00:17:50,901
Hey, buddy.
447
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:53,570
Hey, man. Hey, guy.
448
00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:56,306
- Uh, Brian. Hey. Oh, hey.
- What are you doing here, man?
449
00:17:56,308 --> 00:17:58,108
I... I'm... listen, I got
something to say to you.
450
00:17:58,110 --> 00:17:59,910
You know, I actually have
something to say to you.
451
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,979
- Yeah, me, too. I-I...
- Can I finish, please?
452
00:18:01,981 --> 00:18:03,981
You know, I feel like
I didn't effectively
453
00:18:03,983 --> 00:18:05,682
- communicate my point.
- Mm-hmm.
454
00:18:05,684 --> 00:18:07,654
I feel like I should've said
you were culturally insensitive
455
00:18:07,655 --> 00:18:08,779
instead of racist, even though,
that's what you were being.
456
00:18:08,804 --> 00:18:09,154
Well...
457
00:18:09,156 --> 00:18:10,689
yeah, because if you
say the word "racist,"
458
00:18:10,691 --> 00:18:13,030
it just shuts down the conversation.
459
00:18:13,055 --> 00:18:14,015
You know, you get so defensive,
460
00:18:14,016 --> 00:18:15,317
you can't even hear
what I'm trying to say.
461
00:18:15,342 --> 00:18:15,750
Mm-hmm.
462
00:18:15,752 --> 00:18:19,020
And all I'm trying to say is
the word hurts my feelings.
463
00:18:19,022 --> 00:18:20,621
Yeah.
464
00:18:21,223 --> 00:18:23,524
[Weakly] Montezuma.
465
00:18:23,526 --> 00:18:24,992
Why are we back here?
466
00:18:24,994 --> 00:18:27,428
- Revenge.
- What?
467
00:18:27,430 --> 00:18:28,963
[Screaming, explosions]
468
00:18:28,965 --> 00:18:30,798
- [Voice echoing] Revenge.
- [Thud]
469
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:33,542
For three days, we've
been serving people shells
470
00:18:33,544 --> 00:18:35,262
full of decomposing flesh.
471
00:18:35,263 --> 00:18:37,897
[Shouting and screaming]
472
00:18:37,899 --> 00:18:39,298
For the record, a little more
to Montezuma's storyline
473
00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:41,000
than fecal urgency.
474
00:18:41,002 --> 00:18:42,735
[Growls]
475
00:18:42,737 --> 00:18:43,487
[Stomach gurgling]
476
00:18:43,512 --> 00:18:45,738
I mean, I work at an I-95
rest stop, all right?
477
00:18:45,740 --> 00:18:47,140
D-do you have a bathroom I can use?
478
00:18:47,142 --> 00:18:50,243
It's like, oh, I hear that
word like 50 times a day.
479
00:18:50,245 --> 00:18:52,770
- I'm... I'm sorry.
- Dude, dude,
480
00:18:52,771 --> 00:18:54,115
- dude,
- I'm so sorry. [Unzips pants]
481
00:18:54,116 --> 00:18:55,583
- You see? That's all I wanted to hear.
- Yeah.
482
00:18:55,585 --> 00:18:57,657
- Thank you.
- [Flatulence]
483
00:18:57,682 --> 00:18:58,774
Hey, what the...
484
00:18:58,775 --> 00:19:00,341
- Hello?
- Oh, shit.
485
00:19:00,343 --> 00:19:01,061
- [Flatulence, liquid splatters]
- What are you doing?
486
00:19:01,062 --> 00:19:02,594
- Oh, my god!
- Ew!
487
00:19:02,596 --> 00:19:04,937
- I'm sorry.
- There's a bathroom like 20 feet away!
488
00:19:04,938 --> 00:19:06,344
I didn't have time to get there!
489
00:19:06,345 --> 00:19:06,828
[Liquid splatters]
490
00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:09,184
Did you come back here to
shit on my restaurant?
491
00:19:09,185 --> 00:19:11,019
- I didn't.
- [Flatulence, liquid splatters]
492
00:19:11,021 --> 00:19:12,664
- Oh, my god.
- Don't look at me!
493
00:19:14,002 --> 00:19:15,677
I'll do the rest behind those bushes.
494
00:19:15,678 --> 00:19:17,578
Nate! Help me! I can't get it open!
495
00:19:17,580 --> 00:19:19,543
- Fonzie it!
- What?!
496
00:19:19,568 --> 00:19:21,828
- Fonzie! Oh, shit! Ohh!
- [Flatulence, liquid splatters]
497
00:19:21,829 --> 00:19:23,761
- Oh, really?!
- Oh, yeah.
498
00:19:23,763 --> 00:19:25,163
You're shitting on my car, too?!
499
00:19:25,165 --> 00:19:26,657
I forgot it was your car!
500
00:19:26,792 --> 00:19:27,962
- It's the only car in the lot!
- [Liquid continues flowing]
501
00:19:27,963 --> 00:19:30,433
- I'm sorry!
- Sorry? Too late for sorry!
502
00:19:30,434 --> 00:19:31,313
- [Groans]
- [Liquid splatters]
503
00:19:31,314 --> 00:19:34,581
- How do I make this right?
- There's no way to make this right!
504
00:19:34,584 --> 00:19:36,183
- [Flatulence, liquid splatters]
- Man!
505
00:19:36,185 --> 00:19:40,487
I-I can buy some merchandise!
Do you have any toilet paper?!
506
00:19:40,489 --> 00:19:44,658
Robin: What is happening?!
507
00:19:44,660 --> 00:19:47,194
[Water whooshing, liquid splatting]
508
00:19:47,196 --> 00:19:50,431
[Coughing]
509
00:19:50,975 --> 00:19:54,643
- Oh, oh!
- Why did you use your sleeves?
510
00:19:54,645 --> 00:19:56,145
Why didn't you just use your socks?
511
00:19:56,147 --> 00:19:58,280
I did. Okay?
512
00:19:58,282 --> 00:19:59,874
I used everything I had.
513
00:19:59,875 --> 00:20:01,675
- You wanna switch places?
- No.
514
00:20:01,677 --> 00:20:03,243
No, I didn't think so.
515
00:20:03,245 --> 00:20:09,149
Conquistador cast:
Teno-shit-lan hey
516
00:20:09,814 --> 00:20:11,547
Man: What do you want?!
517
00:20:13,033 --> 00:20:14,644
518
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:17,307
Billy Evans?
519
00:20:17,332 --> 00:20:19,799
Which one of you
overprivileged white kids
520
00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:21,625
- is Billy Evans?
- Yeah, over here.
521
00:20:21,626 --> 00:20:24,240
Okay. We're from P.F.R. Industries.
522
00:20:24,265 --> 00:20:26,365
- Yep.
- You're in possession
523
00:20:26,367 --> 00:20:28,433
of stolen property that
we're here to collect.
524
00:20:28,435 --> 00:20:30,302
Oh, I'm sorry, girl.
There's this little thing
525
00:20:30,304 --> 00:20:33,338
called reporter's privilege.
Yeah, look it up. I did.
526
00:20:33,340 --> 00:20:35,774
This is going to go a lot
easier if you just give it to us.
527
00:20:35,776 --> 00:20:37,609
Yeah, do you have a warrant, old man?
528
00:20:37,611 --> 00:20:41,713
Oh, what's that? You don't?
Oh, suck on my first amendment.
529
00:20:41,715 --> 00:20:43,248
Come on, Morris.
530
00:20:43,250 --> 00:20:45,217
Yeah, why don't you do
your homework next time?
531
00:20:45,219 --> 00:20:47,085
Wikipedia the constitution.
532
00:20:47,087 --> 00:20:48,854
I don't like him.
533
00:20:48,856 --> 00:20:51,056
Men:
hey
534
00:20:51,058 --> 00:20:53,365
Yeah, that's right. I'm a Maverick.
535
00:20:53,366 --> 00:20:56,131
- Billy Evans?
- [Footsteps approach]
536
00:20:56,133 --> 00:20:57,833
Um...
537
00:21:00,503 --> 00:21:01,737
Yeah?
538
00:21:01,739 --> 00:21:03,305
[Snaps fingers]
539
00:21:04,282 --> 00:21:07,557
Listen to me. I'm in some
really deep shit right now.
540
00:21:07,582 --> 00:21:09,440
And my only way out
is for you to give me
541
00:21:09,441 --> 00:21:10,834
what Nate Parker gave you.
542
00:21:10,835 --> 00:21:12,101
Look, I'm gonna say the same thing
543
00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:13,762
I said to those guys. I'm a journalist.
544
00:21:13,763 --> 00:21:16,097
I'm not gonna let you and
your chain gang come...
545
00:21:16,099 --> 00:21:18,633
Lo tengo. V?monos.
546
00:21:19,074 --> 00:21:21,451
Hey. I'm sorry you got mixed up in this.
547
00:21:21,452 --> 00:21:23,718
But you have to understand.
548
00:21:23,721 --> 00:21:26,088
I'm a murderer.
549
00:21:26,090 --> 00:21:28,524
[Whispers] What?
550
00:21:28,526 --> 00:21:29,792
[Sighs]
551
00:21:29,794 --> 00:21:31,260
A murderer?
552
00:21:31,262 --> 00:21:32,948
A murderer just walked in here.
553
00:21:35,120 --> 00:21:38,400
- Synced and corrected by hawken45 -
- www.addic7ed.com -
554
00:21:38,450 --> 00:21:43,000
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