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1
00:00:07,809 --> 00:00:10,879
Good evening, we've got an
action-packed evening for you
2
00:00:10,912 --> 00:00:12,247
Tonight on thames.
3
00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:18,053
But right now,
here's a rotten old bbc program.
4
00:00:18,853 --> 00:00:20,255
And now...
5
00:00:20,288 --> 00:00:22,857
It's...
6
00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:55,757
Ladies and gentlemen...
7
00:00:55,790 --> 00:00:59,027
Mr. chairman,
friends of the society
8
00:00:59,060 --> 00:01:03,131
Your dummy royal highness.
9
00:01:03,431 --> 00:01:04,566
Once again
10
00:01:04,599 --> 00:01:07,302
The year has come full circle
11
00:01:07,335 --> 00:01:12,440
And for me there can be
no greater privilege and honor
12
00:01:12,474 --> 00:01:15,577
Than to that
to which it is my lot
13
00:01:15,610 --> 00:01:18,446
To have befallen this evening.
14
00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:20,982
There can be no finer honor
15
00:01:21,016 --> 00:01:24,452
Than to welcome
into our midst tonight
16
00:01:24,486 --> 00:01:27,589
A guest who has not only done
17
00:01:27,622 --> 00:01:31,960
Only more than not anyone
for our society
18
00:01:31,993 --> 00:01:36,865
But nonetheless,
has only done more.
19
00:01:36,965 --> 00:01:41,803
He started in
the film industry in 1924;
20
00:01:41,836 --> 00:01:45,140
He started again in 1946;
21
00:01:45,173 --> 00:01:48,944
And, finally, in 1963.
22
00:01:48,977 --> 00:01:52,314
He has been dead
for four years
23
00:01:52,347 --> 00:01:55,584
But he has not
let that prevent him
24
00:01:55,617 --> 00:01:58,486
From coming here this evening.
25
00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:02,357
Ladies and gentlemen...
26
00:02:02,624 --> 00:02:05,660
No welcome could be
more heartfelt
27
00:02:05,694 --> 00:02:08,563
Than that which I have no doubt
28
00:02:08,597 --> 00:02:12,500
You will all want to join
with me in giving
29
00:02:12,534 --> 00:02:16,538
This great showbiz stiff.
30
00:02:17,706 --> 00:02:19,307
Ladies and gentlemen
31
00:02:19,341 --> 00:02:25,347
To read the nominations for
the "light entertainment" award
32
00:02:25,380 --> 00:02:30,585
The remains of
the late sir alan waddle.
33
00:02:49,638 --> 00:02:51,473
The nominations are:
34
00:02:51,506 --> 00:02:57,112
Mr. edward heath
for "the new suit sketch"...
35
00:03:00,682 --> 00:03:04,219
Mr. richard baker
for "lemon curry"...
36
00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:07,222
Lemon curry?
37
00:03:10,692 --> 00:03:15,630
And the third
parachute brigade amateur dramatic society
38
00:03:15,664 --> 00:03:19,968
For "the
oscar wilde sketch."
39
00:03:30,745 --> 00:03:32,113
My congratulations, wilde.
40
00:03:32,147 --> 00:03:33,982
Your latest play is
a great success.
41
00:03:34,015 --> 00:03:36,084
The whole of london's
talking about you.
42
00:03:36,117 --> 00:03:38,019
There is only
one thing in the world
43
00:03:38,053 --> 00:03:39,588
Worse than being
talked about
44
00:03:39,621 --> 00:03:44,426
And that is not
being talked about.
45
00:03:55,103 --> 00:03:59,641
Very, very witty,
very, very witty.
46
00:03:59,674 --> 00:04:01,209
There is only one thing
in the world
47
00:04:01,243 --> 00:04:07,415
Worse than being witty,
and that is not being witty.
48
00:04:13,922 --> 00:04:16,024
I wish I had said that.
49
00:04:16,057 --> 00:04:19,160
You will, oscar, you will.
50
00:04:19,194 --> 00:04:22,397
Your majesty,
have you met james mcneill whistler?
51
00:04:22,430 --> 00:04:24,432
Yes, we've played
squash together.
52
00:04:24,466 --> 00:04:27,836
There is only one thing worse
than playing squash together
53
00:04:27,869 --> 00:04:32,674
And that is playing it
by yourself.
54
00:04:33,241 --> 00:04:35,410
I wish I hadn't
said that.
55
00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:36,745
You did, oscar, you did.
56
00:04:36,778 --> 00:04:39,648
Well, I've got to get
back up the palace.
57
00:04:39,681 --> 00:04:42,317
You majesty is like
a big jam doughnut
58
00:04:42,350 --> 00:04:43,985
With cream on the top.
59
00:04:44,019 --> 00:04:46,154
I beg your pardon?
60
00:04:46,187 --> 00:04:48,590
Um...
61
00:04:49,024 --> 00:04:50,759
It... it was one
of whistler's.
62
00:04:50,792 --> 00:04:52,127
I never said that.
63
00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:54,062
You did, james,
you did.
64
00:04:54,095 --> 00:04:55,463
Well... uh...
65
00:04:55,497 --> 00:04:56,798
Well, your highness
66
00:04:56,831 --> 00:04:59,768
What I meant was that,
like a doughnut, um...
67
00:04:59,801 --> 00:05:01,770
Your arrival gives us pleasure
68
00:05:01,803 --> 00:05:07,709
And your departure only makes us
hungry for more.
69
00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:13,582
Your highness,
you are also
70
00:05:13,615 --> 00:05:15,450
Like a stream
of bat's piss.
71
00:05:15,483 --> 00:05:16,451
What?!
72
00:05:16,484 --> 00:05:17,586
It is one
of wilde's.
73
00:05:17,619 --> 00:05:19,187
It sodding was not!
74
00:05:19,221 --> 00:05:22,190
It was shaw!
75
00:05:23,725 --> 00:05:25,994
I... I merely meant,
your majesty
76
00:05:26,027 --> 00:05:30,599
That you shine out like a shaft
of gold when all around is dark.
77
00:05:30,632 --> 00:05:32,867
Oh...
78
00:05:32,901 --> 00:05:33,868
Right.
79
00:05:33,902 --> 00:05:34,970
Smart ass.
80
00:05:35,003 --> 00:05:35,971
Right?
81
00:05:36,004 --> 00:05:39,441
Your majesty is
like a dose of clap.
82
00:05:39,474 --> 00:05:42,077
Before you arrive
is pleasure
83
00:05:42,110 --> 00:05:43,912
And after is a
pain in the dong.
84
00:05:43,945 --> 00:05:44,980
What?!
85
00:05:45,013 --> 00:05:45,981
One of
shaw's. one of
86
00:05:46,014 --> 00:05:47,883
One of
shaw's.
87
00:05:47,916 --> 00:05:50,952
You bastards.
88
00:05:51,253 --> 00:05:54,623
Um... what I meant, your
majesty, what I meant...
89
00:05:54,656 --> 00:05:55,857
We've got him, jim.
90
00:05:55,891 --> 00:05:57,359
Come on, shawy.
91
00:05:57,392 --> 00:05:58,560
Come on, shawy.
92
00:05:58,593 --> 00:06:00,061
I merely meant...
93
00:06:00,095 --> 00:06:01,229
Come one, shawy!
94
00:06:01,263 --> 00:06:02,797
Let's have a bit
of wit, then, man.
95
00:06:02,831 --> 00:06:06,034
Come on, shawy.
96
00:06:41,503 --> 00:06:42,971
Very amusing,
lord campbell
97
00:06:43,004 --> 00:06:44,906
But would you
excuse me a moment?
98
00:06:44,940 --> 00:06:48,944
I want to powder
my nose.
99
00:07:20,041 --> 00:07:23,178
That's better.
100
00:07:28,817 --> 00:07:31,253
Charwoman!
101
00:07:31,286 --> 00:07:33,822
Yes! charwoman!
102
00:07:33,855 --> 00:07:37,559
Sweeping away the last
remnants of male chauvinism
103
00:07:37,592 --> 00:07:41,062
Polishing off
all who dare stand in her way
104
00:07:41,096 --> 00:07:44,165
And cleaning up
in the publishing game.
105
00:07:44,199 --> 00:07:46,034
Yes, all these and more
106
00:07:46,067 --> 00:07:51,339
As charwoman
once again takes to the sky!
107
00:07:57,512 --> 00:07:59,614
Well, maybe next week.
108
00:07:59,648 --> 00:08:01,550
Ladies and gentlemen
109
00:08:01,583 --> 00:08:06,655
Seldom can it have been
a greater pleasure and privilege
110
00:08:06,688 --> 00:08:11,660
Than it is for me now
to announce that the next award
111
00:08:11,693 --> 00:08:16,932
Gave me the great pleasure
and privilege of asking a man
112
00:08:16,965 --> 00:08:21,469
Without whose ceaseless energy
and tireless skill
113
00:08:21,503 --> 00:08:26,775
The british film industry
would be today.
114
00:08:27,175 --> 00:08:34,282
I refer, of course, to my friend
and colleague, mr. david niven.
115
00:08:38,253 --> 00:08:43,191
Sadly, david niven
cannot be with us tonight
116
00:08:43,225 --> 00:08:47,395
But he has sent his fridge.
117
00:08:53,134 --> 00:08:55,103
This is the fridge
118
00:08:55,136 --> 00:09:00,809
In which david keeps most
of his milk, butter and eggs.
119
00:09:00,842 --> 00:09:04,179
What a typically
selfless gesture
120
00:09:04,212 --> 00:09:09,718
That he should send this fridge,
of all of his fridges
121
00:09:09,751 --> 00:09:13,521
To be with us tonight.
122
00:09:14,256 --> 00:09:16,758
The nominations
123
00:09:16,791 --> 00:09:20,428
For the "best foreign
film director" are:
124
00:09:20,462 --> 00:09:23,932
Monsieur richard
attenborough
125
00:09:23,965 --> 00:09:27,102
Ricardo de attenbergie
126
00:09:27,135 --> 00:09:29,938
Rik artenborough
127
00:09:29,971 --> 00:09:33,575
Ri chard at en bollo
128
00:09:34,809 --> 00:09:38,680
And pier paolo pasolini.
129
00:09:38,713 --> 00:09:42,417
Before we hear the joint winner
130
00:09:42,450 --> 00:09:46,421
Let's see the one
that came sixth.
131
00:09:46,454 --> 00:09:52,060
Let us see pier paolo pasolini's
latest film.
132
00:10:22,791 --> 00:10:25,260
Mmm...
133
00:10:25,927 --> 00:10:28,396
Mmm...
134
00:10:28,563 --> 00:10:30,232
Mmm...
135
00:10:30,265 --> 00:10:32,601
Mmm.
136
00:10:36,371 --> 00:10:39,174
Excuse me.
137
00:10:41,443 --> 00:10:43,678
Ha!
138
00:10:48,383 --> 00:10:50,318
There's lots of
people making love
139
00:10:50,352 --> 00:10:51,786
But there's no mention
140
00:10:51,820 --> 00:10:53,288
Of geoff boycott's
average.
141
00:10:53,321 --> 00:10:55,724
Who is geoff boycott?
142
00:10:55,757 --> 00:10:58,026
And in t'film,
we get fred titmus.
143
00:10:58,059 --> 00:10:59,361
Si, titmus, si, si...
144
00:10:59,394 --> 00:11:01,029
The symbol of
man's regeneration
145
00:11:01,062 --> 00:11:02,931
Through radical
marxism, fair enough.
146
00:11:02,964 --> 00:11:04,466
But we never
once get a chance
147
00:11:04,499 --> 00:11:05,967
To see him turn
his off-breaks
148
00:11:06,001 --> 00:11:08,270
On that
brisbane sticky.
149
00:11:08,303 --> 00:11:09,838
Aye, and what were
all that dancing
150
00:11:09,871 --> 00:11:11,373
Through ray
illinworth's innings?
151
00:11:11,406 --> 00:11:13,808
47 not out, and
the bird comes up
152
00:11:13,842 --> 00:11:15,744
And feeds him
some grapes.
153
00:11:15,777 --> 00:11:17,546
And we never
saw him declare.
154
00:11:17,579 --> 00:11:18,947
What is declare?
155
00:11:18,980 --> 00:11:22,984
What's on
the other side?
156
00:11:23,585 --> 00:11:27,656
Nobody could be prouder...
157
00:11:29,090 --> 00:11:31,826
Um... shall we go down
and give blood?
158
00:11:31,860 --> 00:11:35,196
Oh, I don't want a great bat
flapping around my neck.
159
00:11:35,230 --> 00:11:36,565
They don't do it
like that!
160
00:11:36,598 --> 00:11:37,999
They take it
from your arm.
161
00:11:38,033 --> 00:11:39,067
I can't give it.
162
00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:40,735
I caught swamp fever
in the tropics.
163
00:11:40,769 --> 00:11:42,938
You've never even been
to the tropics.
164
00:11:42,971 --> 00:11:44,940
You've never been
south of sidcup.
165
00:11:44,973 --> 00:11:47,676
You can catch it off lampposts.
166
00:11:47,709 --> 00:11:48,743
Catch what?
167
00:11:48,777 --> 00:11:50,912
Oh, I don't know,
I'm all confused.
168
00:11:50,946 --> 00:11:52,981
You ought to go and
see a psychiatrist.
169
00:11:53,014 --> 00:11:54,349
You're a loony.
170
00:11:54,382 --> 00:11:56,284
You might even need
a new brain.
171
00:11:56,318 --> 00:11:58,587
Oh, I couldn't afford
a whole new brain.
172
00:11:58,620 --> 00:12:01,456
Well, you could get one
of those curry's brains.
173
00:12:01,489 --> 00:12:02,624
How much are they?
174
00:12:02,657 --> 00:12:03,658
I don't know.
175
00:12:03,692 --> 00:12:05,493
I'll have a look
in the catalogue.
176
00:12:05,527 --> 00:12:06,528
Here we are...
177
00:12:06,561 --> 00:12:08,697
Battery lights,
dynamo lights
178
00:12:08,730 --> 00:12:09,931
Rear lights...
179
00:12:09,965 --> 00:12:11,366
Brains--
here we are.
180
00:12:11,399 --> 00:12:12,567
I'm still confused.
181
00:12:12,601 --> 00:12:14,436
Oh, there's a nice one here.
182
00:12:14,469 --> 00:12:17,038
13 and six--
it's one of curry's own brains.
183
00:12:17,072 --> 00:12:18,807
That one looks nice,
what's that?
184
00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:19,908
That's a mudguard!
185
00:12:19,941 --> 00:12:21,076
It's only eight bob.
186
00:12:21,109 --> 00:12:22,377
Oh, I think it's worth
187
00:12:22,410 --> 00:12:24,312
The extra five bob
for the brain.
188
00:12:24,346 --> 00:12:28,116
I'll give them a ring.
189
00:12:29,417 --> 00:12:30,952
Hello, curry's?
190
00:12:30,986 --> 00:12:35,590
I'd like to try one of your
13 and sixpenny brains, please.
191
00:12:35,624 --> 00:12:36,625
Yes.
192
00:12:36,658 --> 00:12:37,792
Yes...
193
00:12:37,826 --> 00:12:39,661
Yes, ye... um...
194
00:12:39,694 --> 00:12:42,697
Five and a half.
195
00:12:42,731 --> 00:12:43,999
Thank you.
196
00:12:44,032 --> 00:12:47,335
They're sending
someone round.
197
00:12:47,369 --> 00:12:48,336
Ooh, that was quick.
198
00:12:48,370 --> 00:12:49,437
Come in.
199
00:12:49,471 --> 00:12:51,072
Uh... hello.
200
00:12:51,106 --> 00:12:53,942
Mr. and mrs. and mrs. zambezi?
201
00:12:53,975 --> 00:12:55,076
Yes, that's right.
202
00:12:55,110 --> 00:12:56,845
Are you the man
from curry's?
203
00:12:56,878 --> 00:13:02,551
No, I've just come to say
that he's on his way.
204
00:13:02,584 --> 00:13:04,819
Would you sign this please?
205
00:13:04,853 --> 00:13:07,022
Thank you
very much.
206
00:13:07,055 --> 00:13:08,189
Ooh...
207
00:13:08,223 --> 00:13:09,190
Thank you.
208
00:13:09,224 --> 00:13:10,191
Sorry.
209
00:13:10,225 --> 00:13:11,359
Sorry to
bother you.
210
00:13:11,393 --> 00:13:12,527
Thank you.
211
00:13:12,561 --> 00:13:15,363
Thank you.
212
00:13:16,398 --> 00:13:18,466
He's just coming now.
213
00:13:18,500 --> 00:13:20,068
Come in.
214
00:13:20,101 --> 00:13:22,971
Here he is.
215
00:13:27,275 --> 00:13:29,277
Hello?
216
00:13:29,311 --> 00:13:31,780
Hello!
217
00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:33,715
That's not
a proper salesman.
218
00:13:33,748 --> 00:13:35,217
I'm not buying
one from him.
219
00:13:35,250 --> 00:13:36,885
He doesn't give
you confidence.
220
00:13:36,918 --> 00:13:39,521
He doesn't give me
any confidence at all.
221
00:13:39,554 --> 00:13:41,056
He's obviously a dummy.
222
00:13:41,089 --> 00:13:43,258
I'll ring curry's.
223
00:13:43,291 --> 00:13:44,693
Hello, curry's?
224
00:13:44,726 --> 00:13:48,863
That salesman you sent round
is obviously a dummy.
225
00:13:48,897 --> 00:13:50,932
Oh, thank you very much.
226
00:13:50,966 --> 00:13:53,735
They're sending round
a real one.
227
00:13:53,768 --> 00:13:54,502
Come in.
228
00:13:54,536 --> 00:13:55,503
Good morning.
229
00:13:55,537 --> 00:13:57,272
Mr. and mrs. and mrs. zambezi?
230
00:13:57,305 --> 00:13:58,006
Yes, that's right.
231
00:13:58,039 --> 00:13:59,407
Yes, that's right.
232
00:13:59,441 --> 00:14:00,508
Yes, that's right.
233
00:14:00,542 --> 00:14:02,077
All right, rutherford.
234
00:14:02,110 --> 00:14:05,247
I'll take over.
235
00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:07,048
Ooh, that's nice!
236
00:14:07,082 --> 00:14:08,550
Yes, we sell
a lot of these.
237
00:14:08,583 --> 00:14:10,185
Right, shall we
try a fitting?
238
00:14:10,218 --> 00:14:12,120
Oh, do I have
to have an operation?
239
00:14:12,153 --> 00:14:13,889
No, madam,
you just strap it on.
240
00:14:13,922 --> 00:14:15,357
Doesn't it go
inside my head?
241
00:14:15,390 --> 00:14:17,025
Oh, not the roadster,
madam, no.
242
00:14:17,058 --> 00:14:19,060
You're thinking of
the brainette major.
243
00:14:19,094 --> 00:14:20,161
How much is that?
244
00:14:20,195 --> 00:14:21,162
44 and six.
245
00:14:21,196 --> 00:14:22,664
Oh, no,
it's not worth it.
246
00:14:22,697 --> 00:14:25,100
Not with
the curry's surgery we use, no, madam.
247
00:14:25,133 --> 00:14:26,468
Now then,
the best bet is
248
00:14:26,501 --> 00:14:28,236
The bertrand russell
super silver.
249
00:14:28,270 --> 00:14:29,437
That's a real beauty--
250
00:14:29,471 --> 00:14:31,206
250 quid plus
hospital treatment.
251
00:14:31,239 --> 00:14:32,240
Ooh, that's a lot.
252
00:14:32,274 --> 00:14:34,442
It's color. right.
253
00:14:34,476 --> 00:14:36,912
One, two, three,
testing, testing.
254
00:14:36,945 --> 00:14:38,547
Mince pie for me, please.
255
00:14:38,580 --> 00:14:40,081
What did she say that for?
256
00:14:40,115 --> 00:14:41,616
Quiet, please,
it's not adjusted yet.
257
00:14:41,650 --> 00:14:43,718
Oh, I am enjoying
this rickshaw ride.
258
00:14:43,752 --> 00:14:46,421
I've been a tory all
my life, my life, my life.
259
00:14:46,454 --> 00:14:47,722
Good morning, mr. presley.
260
00:14:47,756 --> 00:14:49,724
How well you look,
you look very well.
261
00:14:49,758 --> 00:14:52,961
Our cruising speed is
610 miles per hour.
262
00:14:52,994 --> 00:14:54,829
Well, well, well, boys.
263
00:14:54,863 --> 00:14:56,331
Well, well, ell...
264
00:14:56,364 --> 00:14:57,599
Hello, hello... dear.
265
00:14:57,632 --> 00:14:58,667
Hello, dear!
266
00:14:58,700 --> 00:14:59,734
Oh!
267
00:14:59,768 --> 00:15:00,902
Right.
268
00:15:00,936 --> 00:15:03,471
One, two, three...
269
00:15:03,505 --> 00:15:04,573
Eight...
seven...
270
00:15:04,606 --> 00:15:05,574
Four.
271
00:15:05,607 --> 00:15:06,608
Good.
272
00:15:06,641 --> 00:15:08,410
Oh, she never knew that before.
273
00:15:08,443 --> 00:15:09,711
Quiet, please.
274
00:15:09,744 --> 00:15:14,149
Mrs. zambezi, who wrote
the theory of relativity?
275
00:15:14,182 --> 00:15:15,150
I know, I know!
276
00:15:15,183 --> 00:15:15,984
Quiet, please.
277
00:15:16,017 --> 00:15:19,454
Einstain, einstone
278
00:15:19,487 --> 00:15:21,423
Einsteen, einston
279
00:15:21,456 --> 00:15:23,225
Einstin, einstin...
einstein.
280
00:15:23,258 --> 00:15:24,259
Good.
281
00:15:24,292 --> 00:15:25,961
Noel einstein.
282
00:15:25,994 --> 00:15:27,963
Right-- that'll be
13 and six, please.
283
00:15:27,996 --> 00:15:29,264
Oh, that's
marvelous!
284
00:15:29,297 --> 00:15:30,765
She can take it
off at night
285
00:15:30,799 --> 00:15:32,667
Unless she wants
to read, of course.
286
00:15:32,701 --> 00:15:34,569
And don't ask her
too many questions
287
00:15:34,603 --> 00:15:35,704
Because
it'll get hot.
288
00:15:35,737 --> 00:15:37,072
If you do
have any trouble
289
00:15:37,105 --> 00:15:38,073
Here's my card.
290
00:15:38,106 --> 00:15:39,441
Give us a ring.
291
00:15:39,474 --> 00:15:41,610
Give us a ring
and either myself or mr. rutherford
292
00:15:41,643 --> 00:15:42,711
Will come and see you.
293
00:15:42,744 --> 00:15:43,845
Good-bye.
294
00:15:43,879 --> 00:15:46,915
Thank you
very much.
295
00:15:46,948 --> 00:15:50,552
Uh... he's gone now.
296
00:15:51,353 --> 00:15:53,622
Uh, shall we, uh...
297
00:15:53,655 --> 00:15:55,056
Go down
and give blood?
298
00:15:55,090 --> 00:15:56,458
Yes, please,
mr. roosevelt
299
00:15:56,491 --> 00:15:58,727
But try and keep
the noise to a minimum.
300
00:15:58,760 --> 00:15:59,928
Oh, that's good.
301
00:15:59,961 --> 00:16:01,630
I'll go and get
your coat for you.
302
00:16:01,663 --> 00:16:03,932
I'm quite warm
in this stick of celery
303
00:16:03,965 --> 00:16:07,168
Thank you, senator muskie.
304
00:16:07,202 --> 00:16:08,904
Stapling machine,
mr. clarke.
305
00:16:08,937 --> 00:16:11,039
New brain.
306
00:16:11,072 --> 00:16:13,108
Stapling machine,
mrs. worral.
307
00:16:13,141 --> 00:16:14,976
Stapling machine,
mrs. zambezi.
308
00:16:15,010 --> 00:16:17,312
Are you sure
that's working all right?
309
00:16:17,345 --> 00:16:19,214
Yes, thank you,
it's marvelous.
310
00:16:19,247 --> 00:16:20,248
Thank you.
311
00:16:20,282 --> 00:16:21,283
I think
if we can win
312
00:16:21,316 --> 00:16:22,851
One or two of
the early primaries
313
00:16:22,884 --> 00:16:25,320
We could split
the urban republican vote wide open.
314
00:16:25,353 --> 00:16:26,488
Um, here we are, then.
315
00:16:26,521 --> 00:16:28,823
Well, being president
of the united states
316
00:16:28,857 --> 00:16:31,126
Is something I shall
have to think about.
317
00:16:31,159 --> 00:16:32,761
Blood donors
that way, please.
318
00:16:32,794 --> 00:16:34,162
Oh, thank you
very much.
319
00:16:34,195 --> 00:16:36,998
Thank you.
320
00:16:38,266 --> 00:16:40,669
What?
321
00:16:42,204 --> 00:16:44,439
No.
322
00:16:44,973 --> 00:16:48,743
No, I'm sorry,
but no.
323
00:16:49,744 --> 00:16:51,446
No, you may
not give urine
324
00:16:51,479 --> 00:16:54,449
Instead of blood.
325
00:16:54,482 --> 00:16:57,319
No, well, I don't care
if you want to.
326
00:16:57,352 --> 00:16:59,988
No, there's
no such thing as a urine bank.
327
00:17:00,021 --> 00:17:00,989
Please.
328
00:17:01,022 --> 00:17:02,457
No, we have
no call for it.
329
00:17:02,490 --> 00:17:03,825
We have quite
enough of it
330
00:17:03,858 --> 00:17:06,261
Without volunteers
coming in here donating it.
331
00:17:06,294 --> 00:17:07,295
Just a specimen.
332
00:17:07,329 --> 00:17:08,897
No, we don't
want a specimen.
333
00:17:08,930 --> 00:17:10,999
We either want
your blood or nothing.
334
00:17:11,032 --> 00:17:13,535
I'll give you some blood
if you'll give me...
335
00:17:13,568 --> 00:17:14,569
What?
336
00:17:14,603 --> 00:17:15,904
A thing to do
some urine in.
337
00:17:15,937 --> 00:17:17,372
No, no,
just go away, please.
338
00:17:17,405 --> 00:17:19,241
Anyway, I don't want
to give you any blood.
339
00:17:19,274 --> 00:17:21,142
Fine, well, you don't have to--
just go away.
340
00:17:21,176 --> 00:17:22,344
Can I give you some spit?
341
00:17:22,377 --> 00:17:22,944
No.
342
00:17:22,978 --> 00:17:24,045
Sweat?
343
00:17:24,079 --> 00:17:24,479
No.
344
00:17:24,512 --> 00:17:25,146
Earwax?
345
00:17:25,180 --> 00:17:26,147
No.
346
00:17:26,181 --> 00:17:27,749
Look, this is a blood bank.
347
00:17:27,782 --> 00:17:29,084
All we want is blood.
348
00:17:29,117 --> 00:17:33,989
All right, I'll
give you some blood.
349
00:17:37,292 --> 00:17:38,627
Where did
you get that?
350
00:17:38,660 --> 00:17:39,628
Today-- it's today's.
351
00:17:39,661 --> 00:17:40,629
What group is it?
352
00:17:40,662 --> 00:17:41,663
Uh, what groups
are there?
353
00:17:41,696 --> 00:17:42,664
There's "a"...
354
00:17:42,697 --> 00:17:45,433
It's "a."
355
00:17:46,635 --> 00:17:49,771
Wait a moment.
356
00:17:50,872 --> 00:17:52,040
It's mine.
357
00:17:52,073 --> 00:17:53,041
This blood's mine.
358
00:17:53,074 --> 00:17:54,476
What are you
doing with it?
359
00:17:54,509 --> 00:17:55,677
I found it.
360
00:17:55,710 --> 00:17:57,078
You stole it
out of my body, didn't you?!
361
00:17:57,112 --> 00:17:58,079
No.
362
00:17:58,113 --> 00:17:59,080
No wonder
I'm feeling off-col...
363
00:17:59,114 --> 00:18:00,081
Give that back.
364
00:18:00,115 --> 00:18:01,082
It's mine.
365
00:18:01,116 --> 00:18:02,183
It is not yours--
you stole it.
366
00:18:02,217 --> 00:18:03,251
Never.
367
00:18:03,285 --> 00:18:04,386
Give it back to me.
368
00:18:04,419 --> 00:18:07,455
All right, but only
if I can give urine.
369
00:18:07,489 --> 00:18:09,124
Get in the queue.
370
00:18:09,157 --> 00:18:12,794
Good afternoon, and welcome
to wife swapping from redcar.
371
00:18:12,827 --> 00:18:14,729
And the big news
this afternoon
372
00:18:14,763 --> 00:18:17,966
Is that the british boy
boris rogers has succeeded
373
00:18:17,999 --> 00:18:20,702
In swapping his nine-stone,
welsh-born wife
374
00:18:20,735 --> 00:18:23,872
For a ford popular
and a complete set of dickens.
375
00:18:23,905 --> 00:18:26,408
Well, now, I can see
they're ready at the start
376
00:18:26,441 --> 00:18:28,944
So let's go now over
to the start of the 3:30.
377
00:18:28,977 --> 00:18:31,846
And first let's catch up with
the latest news of the betting.
378
00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:34,749
Number 12, betty parkinson,
seven to four on favorite
379
00:18:34,783 --> 00:18:37,085
Number 27, mrs. colyer,
nine to four
380
00:18:37,118 --> 00:18:39,087
Five to one, bar those.
381
00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:41,089
And here's the starter,
mrs. alec marsh
382
00:18:41,122 --> 00:18:42,290
And they're off.
383
00:18:42,324 --> 00:18:43,858
And mrs. rogers is
the first to show.
384
00:18:43,892 --> 00:18:45,360
There she goes
into mr. johnson's
385
00:18:45,393 --> 00:18:47,062
And mrs. johnson
across to mr. colyer
386
00:18:47,095 --> 00:18:49,064
Followed closely
by mrs. casey on the inside.
387
00:18:49,097 --> 00:18:50,966
Mrs. parkinson, number 12,
going well there
388
00:18:50,999 --> 00:18:52,500
Into mr. webster's
from the co-op.
389
00:18:52,534 --> 00:18:54,536
Mrs. colyer's making ground
fast after a poor start.
390
00:18:54,569 --> 00:18:56,371
She's out of mr. casey's,
into mr. parkinson's.
391
00:18:56,404 --> 00:18:58,206
She's a couple of lengths
ahead of mrs. johnson
392
00:18:58,240 --> 00:18:59,574
Who's still not
out of mr. casey's.
393
00:18:59,608 --> 00:19:01,810
Mrs. penguin
and number eight, mrs. colyer--
394
00:19:01,843 --> 00:19:03,745
These two now
at the head of the field
395
00:19:03,778 --> 00:19:05,981
From mrs. brown, mrs. atkins,
mrs. parkinson
396
00:19:06,014 --> 00:19:08,817
Mrs. warner and mrs. rudd--
all still at mr. philips's.
397
00:19:08,850 --> 00:19:10,318
Mrs. penguin making
the running now
398
00:19:10,352 --> 00:19:11,786
Challenged strongly
by mrs. casey.
399
00:19:11,820 --> 00:19:13,588
Mrs. casey coming
very fast on the inside.
400
00:19:13,622 --> 00:19:15,624
It's going to be mrs. casey
coming from behind.
401
00:19:15,657 --> 00:19:17,359
Now she's making
a break on the outside.
402
00:19:17,392 --> 00:19:19,794
Mrs. penguin running...
and at the line, it's mrs. casey
403
00:19:19,828 --> 00:19:21,029
Who's got it by a short head
404
00:19:21,062 --> 00:19:22,631
From mrs. penguin,
in second place
405
00:19:22,664 --> 00:19:25,133
Mrs. parkinson in third, mrs.
rudd, mrs. colyer, mrs. warner
406
00:19:25,166 --> 00:19:31,406
And there's mrs. griffiths,
who's remained unswapped.
407
00:19:31,540 --> 00:19:34,743
Well, a very exciting race
there, and I have with me now
408
00:19:34,776 --> 00:19:37,913
The man who owned and trained
the winner, mrs. casey--
409
00:19:37,946 --> 00:19:38,914
Mr. casey.
410
00:19:38,947 --> 00:19:39,915
Well done, jack.
411
00:19:39,948 --> 00:19:41,016
Thank you, john.
412
00:19:41,049 --> 00:19:42,551
Well, were you
at all surprised
413
00:19:42,584 --> 00:19:43,552
About this, jack?
414
00:19:43,585 --> 00:19:44,653
No, not really, no.
415
00:19:44,686 --> 00:19:46,621
She's been going
very well in training
416
00:19:46,655 --> 00:19:47,956
And at doncaster
last week
417
00:19:47,989 --> 00:19:49,424
And I fancy her
very strongly
418
00:19:49,457 --> 00:19:50,892
For the cheltenham weekend.
419
00:19:50,926 --> 00:19:52,994
Well, thank you very
much indeed, jack.
420
00:19:53,028 --> 00:19:54,095
We must
leave you now
421
00:19:54,129 --> 00:19:56,097
Because it's time
for the team event.
422
00:19:56,131 --> 00:19:57,566
Hello and a very warm welcome
423
00:19:57,599 --> 00:19:59,601
From the tower ballroom suite
at reading
424
00:19:59,634 --> 00:20:01,269
Where there's very little in it.
425
00:20:01,303 --> 00:20:04,372
They're neck and neck, crop and
grummit, real rack and saddle
426
00:20:04,406 --> 00:20:06,141
Brick and bucket,
horse and tooth
427
00:20:06,174 --> 00:20:07,576
Cap and thigh, arse over tip
428
00:20:07,609 --> 00:20:09,477
They're absolutely
birds of a feather
429
00:20:09,511 --> 00:20:10,879
There's not a new pin in it
430
00:20:10,912 --> 00:20:12,847
You couldn't get
a melon between them.
431
00:20:12,881 --> 00:20:16,318
Well, now, everything rests
on the formation event
432
00:20:16,351 --> 00:20:19,487
And here comes the
north west with the mambo.
433
00:20:19,521 --> 00:20:23,925
Maestro, take it away, please.
434
00:20:44,713 --> 00:20:46,481
And now it's time
for rugby league
435
00:20:46,514 --> 00:20:48,583
And highlights
of this afternoon's game
436
00:20:48,617 --> 00:20:50,852
Between keighley
and hull kingston rovers.
437
00:20:50,886 --> 00:20:52,687
Well, good afternoon
438
00:20:52,721 --> 00:20:54,923
And as you can see,
hull kingston rovers
439
00:20:54,956 --> 00:20:56,224
Are well in the lead.
440
00:20:56,258 --> 00:20:58,393
It's a scrum
down on the 25 of keighley
441
00:20:58,426 --> 00:21:02,163
Tom colyer with the put in,
mrs. colyer to be put.
442
00:21:02,197 --> 00:21:05,100
And there goes his wife
into the scrum.
443
00:21:05,133 --> 00:21:08,470
And hull have got the heel
against the head.
444
00:21:08,503 --> 00:21:10,138
Doing very nicely
with this scrum
445
00:21:10,171 --> 00:21:11,640
Some very good packing here.
446
00:21:11,673 --> 00:21:13,074
Warrington's picked her up.
447
00:21:13,108 --> 00:21:14,442
Is he going to let her go?
448
00:21:14,476 --> 00:21:19,047
No, he passes her to carrington.
449
00:21:23,552 --> 00:21:25,820
Well, that was
right on the whistle
450
00:21:25,854 --> 00:21:28,456
Rovers walking it down,
winning easily
451
00:21:28,490 --> 00:21:29,958
By 26 points to two.
452
00:21:29,991 --> 00:21:32,394
Just a reminder that
on match of the day tonight
453
00:21:32,427 --> 00:21:35,463
You can see highlights of two
of this afternoon's big games:
454
00:21:35,497 --> 00:21:37,165
Mrs. robinson
v. manchester united
455
00:21:37,198 --> 00:21:40,201
And southampton v. mr. rogers--
a rather unusual game that.
456
00:21:40,235 --> 00:21:42,837
And here's a late result.
457
00:21:42,871 --> 00:21:46,808
Coventry city, nil,
mr. johnson's una, three.
458
00:21:46,841 --> 00:21:49,377
Coventry going down
at home there.
459
00:21:49,411 --> 00:21:50,645
Just a little reminder
460
00:21:50,679 --> 00:21:52,847
That the next sport
you can see on bbc 1
461
00:21:52,881 --> 00:21:54,616
Will be 9:20 on wednesday night
462
00:21:54,649 --> 00:21:57,819
When wife swapping with coleman
comes live from my place.
463
00:21:57,852 --> 00:22:01,623
Till then, good night.
464
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:49,204
There they go,
the credits of the year--
465
00:22:49,237 --> 00:22:52,607
Credits that you
and the society voted
466
00:22:52,641 --> 00:22:57,913
As "the credits that brought
the most credit to the society."
467
00:22:57,946 --> 00:23:02,050
Sadly, the man who designed them
cannot be with us tonight
468
00:23:02,083 --> 00:23:04,619
As he is at home, asleep.
469
00:23:04,653 --> 00:23:07,923
But we are going to wake him up
and tell him the good news.
470
00:23:07,956 --> 00:23:11,693
Are you there in bristol,
arthur briggs?
471
00:23:11,726 --> 00:23:14,596
Oh, my god!
472
00:23:18,934 --> 00:23:23,838
And now for the moment
you've all been waiting for.
473
00:23:23,872 --> 00:23:25,574
No, not that moment
474
00:23:25,607 --> 00:23:29,678
Although that moment
is coming in a moment.
475
00:23:29,711 --> 00:23:34,049
The moment I'm talking about
is the moment when we present
476
00:23:34,082 --> 00:23:39,921
The "award for the cast
with the most awards" award
477
00:23:39,955 --> 00:23:43,325
And this year is no exception.
478
00:23:43,358 --> 00:23:45,827
Ladies and gentlemen,
will you join me
479
00:23:45,860 --> 00:23:47,429
And welcome, please
480
00:23:47,462 --> 00:23:51,233
The winners of this
year's mountbatten trophy
481
00:23:51,266 --> 00:23:54,569
Show business's highest accolade
482
00:23:54,603 --> 00:23:59,574
The cast of
"the dirty vicar" sketch.
483
00:24:26,468 --> 00:24:30,238
Well, now let us see
the performances
484
00:24:30,272 --> 00:24:33,408
Which brought them this award.
485
00:24:33,441 --> 00:24:38,313
Let us see
"the dirty vicar" sketch.
486
00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:41,349
Have you seen
lady windermere's new carriage, dear?
487
00:24:41,383 --> 00:24:42,584
Absolutely
enchanting!
488
00:24:42,617 --> 00:24:43,752
Isn't it!
489
00:24:43,785 --> 00:24:45,554
The new vicar
to see you, m'lady.
490
00:24:45,587 --> 00:24:47,389
Ah-- send him in,
chivers.
491
00:24:47,422 --> 00:24:50,058
Certainly, m'lady.
492
00:24:50,091 --> 00:24:51,760
Now, how is
your tea, dear?
493
00:24:51,793 --> 00:24:53,595
A little more
water, perhaps?
494
00:24:53,628 --> 00:24:54,696
Thank you.
495
00:24:54,729 --> 00:24:58,733
It's delightful
as it is.
496
00:24:59,901 --> 00:25:04,272
The reverend ronald simms, the
dirty vicar of st. michael's...
497
00:25:04,306 --> 00:25:06,107
Hello, hello, hello.
498
00:25:06,141 --> 00:25:07,776
Cor, what a lovely bit of stuff!
499
00:25:07,809 --> 00:25:13,715
I'd like to get my fingers
around those knockers.
500
00:25:17,152 --> 00:25:19,754
How do you find
the vicarage?
501
00:25:19,788 --> 00:25:20,855
I like tits!
502
00:25:20,889 --> 00:25:22,691
Whoa!
503
00:25:22,724 --> 00:25:23,692
Oh, vicar!
504
00:25:23,725 --> 00:25:24,726
Oh, my goodness.
505
00:25:24,759 --> 00:25:26,127
I do beg your pardon.
506
00:25:26,161 --> 00:25:27,462
How dreadful.
507
00:25:27,495 --> 00:25:28,763
My first day
in my new parish
508
00:25:28,797 --> 00:25:30,365
And I completely
just lost my head.
509
00:25:30,398 --> 00:25:31,433
So sorry.
510
00:25:31,466 --> 00:25:32,667
Yes-- never mind,
never mind.
511
00:25:32,701 --> 00:25:33,668
Chivers, send mary in
512
00:25:33,702 --> 00:25:34,836
With a new gown,
will you?
513
00:25:34,870 --> 00:25:35,837
Certainly,
m'lady.
514
00:25:35,871 --> 00:25:36,838
I do beg
your pardon.
515
00:25:36,872 --> 00:25:37,839
I'll help you
sit down.
516
00:25:37,873 --> 00:25:38,773
I'm so sorry.
517
00:25:38,807 --> 00:25:39,875
As I was saying
518
00:25:39,908 --> 00:25:41,743
How do you find
the new vicarage?
519
00:25:41,776 --> 00:25:43,144
Oh-- oh, yes, certainly.
520
00:25:43,178 --> 00:25:44,312
Yes, indeed.
521
00:25:44,346 --> 00:25:46,314
I find the
grounds delightful
522
00:25:46,348 --> 00:25:48,483
And the servants
most attentive--
523
00:25:48,516 --> 00:25:50,085
Particularly
the little serving maid
524
00:25:50,118 --> 00:25:51,253
With great, big knockers!
525
00:25:51,286 --> 00:25:55,056
When she gets going...
526
00:26:00,862 --> 00:26:03,398
Well, there we are.
527
00:26:03,431 --> 00:26:08,870
Another year has been
too soon, alas, ended
528
00:26:09,170 --> 00:26:13,341
And I think none
more than myself
529
00:26:13,375 --> 00:26:18,413
Can be happier
at this time than I am.
530
00:26:18,463 --> 00:26:23,013
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