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00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,074
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
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Hello, good evening, and
welcome to another edition
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00:00:17,284 --> 00:00:20,353
Of blood, devastation,
death, war and horror
4
00:00:20,387 --> 00:00:22,322
And later on
we'll be talking
5
00:00:22,355 --> 00:00:24,257
To a man who
does gardening
6
00:00:24,291 --> 00:00:27,027
But our first guest
in the studio tonight
7
00:00:27,060 --> 00:00:29,763
Is a man who talks
entirely in anagrams.
8
00:00:29,796 --> 00:00:30,864
Taht si crreoct.
9
00:00:30,897 --> 00:00:32,132
Do you enjoy this?
10
00:00:32,165 --> 00:00:33,867
I stom certainly od
11
00:00:33,900 --> 00:00:35,001
Revy chum so.
12
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:36,670
And what's your name?
13
00:00:36,703 --> 00:00:38,438
Hamrag, hamrag yatlerot.
14
00:00:38,472 --> 00:00:40,307
Well, graham, nice to
have you on the show.
15
00:00:40,340 --> 00:00:41,541
Now, where do
you come from?
16
00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:42,542
Bumcreland.
17
00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:43,543
Cumberland?
18
00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:44,678
Staht sit sepreicly.
19
00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:46,446
And I believe you're working
20
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,782
On an anagram version
of shakespeare.
21
00:00:48,815 --> 00:00:50,450
Sey, sey, taht si crreoct.
22
00:00:50,484 --> 00:00:54,521
Uh... ta the mnemot, I'm wroking
on "the mating of the wersh."
23
00:00:54,554 --> 00:00:56,990
"the mating of the wersh,"
by william shakespeare?
24
00:00:57,023 --> 00:00:59,292
Nay, by malliwi rapesheake.
25
00:00:59,326 --> 00:01:00,560
And, uh... what else?
26
00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:02,095
"two netlemeg of verona"
27
00:01:02,129 --> 00:01:04,831
"twelfth thing,"
"the chamrent of venice."
28
00:01:04,865 --> 00:01:06,333
Have you done "hamlet"?
29
00:01:06,366 --> 00:01:07,634
"thamle."
30
00:01:07,667 --> 00:01:11,972
"be ot or bot ne ot,
tath is the nestquie."
31
00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:14,041
And what is your next project?
32
00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:15,809
"ring kichard the thrid."
33
00:01:15,842 --> 00:01:17,444
I'm sorry?
34
00:01:17,477 --> 00:01:19,012
"a shroe! a shroe!
35
00:01:19,046 --> 00:01:21,248
My dingkome for a shroe!"
36
00:01:21,281 --> 00:01:23,850
Ah, "ring kichard," yes.
37
00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:25,285
But surely that's
not an anagram
38
00:01:25,318 --> 00:01:26,286
That's a spoonerism.
39
00:01:26,319 --> 00:01:27,587
If you're going
to split hairs
40
00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:31,391
I'm going to piss off.
41
00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:35,295
Now...
42
00:01:35,328 --> 00:01:37,898
It's...
43
00:02:06,993 --> 00:02:11,465
Tony m. nyphot's flying risccu.
44
00:02:12,499 --> 00:02:18,271
Mrs. scab, you have 12 hours
to beat the clock.
45
00:02:29,282 --> 00:02:30,417
Correct!
46
00:02:30,450 --> 00:02:31,718
I've done it!
47
00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:33,019
I've done it.
48
00:02:33,053 --> 00:02:35,922
Ha, ha, ha!
49
00:02:39,426 --> 00:02:40,427
Hello?
50
00:02:40,460 --> 00:02:41,795
Ah, mr. victim.
51
00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:44,464
Yes, I'm glad to say
that I've got the go-ahead
52
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:46,400
To lend you
the money you require.
53
00:02:46,433 --> 00:02:50,037
Yes, we will of course want as
security the deeds of your house
54
00:02:50,070 --> 00:02:52,973
Of your aunt's house,
of your second cousin's house
55
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:56,443
Of your wife's parents' house
and of your grannie's bungalow
56
00:02:56,476 --> 00:02:59,379
And we will in addition
need a controlling interest
57
00:02:59,413 --> 00:03:00,781
In your new company
58
00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:03,483
Unrestricted access
to your private bank account
59
00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:06,920
The deposit in our vaults of
your three children as hostages
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00:03:06,953 --> 00:03:10,257
And a full legal indemnity
against any acts of embezzlement
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00:03:10,290 --> 00:03:13,160
Carried out against you
by any members of our staff
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00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,462
During the normal course
of their duties.
63
00:03:15,495 --> 00:03:17,864
No, I'm afraid we couldn't
accept your dog
64
00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:19,633
Instead of your youngest child.
65
00:03:19,666 --> 00:03:22,536
We would like to suggest
a brand-new scheme of ours
66
00:03:22,569 --> 00:03:25,772
Under which 51% of both your dog
and your wife pass to us
67
00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:28,642
In the event of your suffering
a serious accident.
68
00:03:28,675 --> 00:03:30,210
Fine... no, not at all.
69
00:03:30,243 --> 00:03:32,212
Nice to do business with you.
70
00:03:32,245 --> 00:03:37,951
Uh... miss godfrey, could you
send in mr. ford, please?
71
00:03:37,984 --> 00:03:40,087
Now, where's that dictionary?
72
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:42,889
Ah, yes, here we are...
73
00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:45,192
Inner life.
74
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,294
Inner life.
75
00:03:47,327 --> 00:03:49,963
Come in.
76
00:03:50,297 --> 00:03:52,766
Ah... mr. ford, isn't it?
77
00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:54,000
That's right.
78
00:03:54,034 --> 00:03:55,035
How do you do?
79
00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:56,169
I'm a merchant banker.
80
00:03:56,203 --> 00:03:57,437
How do you do,
mr., uh...
81
00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:59,072
I forget my name for the moment
82
00:03:59,106 --> 00:04:00,507
But I am a merchant banker.
83
00:04:00,540 --> 00:04:02,709
Oh, I wondered whether
you'd like to contribute
84
00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:05,345
To the orphan's home.
85
00:04:05,379 --> 00:04:08,248
Well, I don't want to show my
hand too early, but actually
86
00:04:08,281 --> 00:04:11,118
Here at slater nazi we are
quite keen to get into orphans
87
00:04:11,151 --> 00:04:13,186
You know, developing market
and all that.
88
00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:15,088
What sort of sum
did you have in mind?
89
00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:17,190
Well... uh... you're a rich man.
90
00:04:17,224 --> 00:04:21,762
Yes, I am, yes, yes...
very, very rich.
91
00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:23,363
Quite phenomenally wealthy.
92
00:04:23,397 --> 00:04:26,032
Yes, I do... I do own the most
startling quantities of cash.
93
00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:27,367
Yes, quite right.
94
00:04:27,401 --> 00:04:29,469
You're rather a smart
young lad, aren't you?
95
00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:31,038
We could do with
someone like you
96
00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:32,706
To feed
the pantomime horse.
97
00:04:32,739 --> 00:04:33,740
Very smart.
98
00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:34,741
Thank you, sir.
99
00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:35,976
Now, you
were saying
100
00:04:36,009 --> 00:04:38,578
I'm very, very, very,
very, very, very
101
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:40,080
Very, very, very rich.
102
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:42,682
So... how about a pound?
103
00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:44,084
A pound... yes, I see.
104
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:46,386
Now, this loan
would be secured by...
105
00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:48,488
It's not...
it's not a loan, sir.
106
00:04:48,522 --> 00:04:49,322
What?
107
00:04:49,356 --> 00:04:50,357
It's not a loan.
108
00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:52,292
Ah...
109
00:04:52,325 --> 00:04:56,396
You get one
of these, sir.
110
00:04:56,696 --> 00:04:58,965
A bit small for a share
certificate, isn't it?
111
00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:00,867
Look, I think I'd
better run this over
112
00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:02,202
To our legal department.
113
00:05:02,235 --> 00:05:04,204
If you could possibly
pop back on friday...
114
00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:05,305
Do you have
to do that?
115
00:05:05,338 --> 00:05:08,341
Couldn't you just
give me the pound?
116
00:05:08,375 --> 00:05:10,277
Yes, but you see, I don't
know what it's for.
117
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:12,079
It's for the orphans.
118
00:05:12,112 --> 00:05:13,146
Yes?
119
00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:15,082
It's a gift.
120
00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:16,049
A what?
121
00:05:16,083 --> 00:05:18,652
A gift.
122
00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:20,353
Oh, a gift!
123
00:05:20,387 --> 00:05:21,788
A tax dodge.
124
00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:22,989
No, no, no, no.
125
00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:23,990
No?
126
00:05:24,024 --> 00:05:25,025
Well, I'm
awfully sorry.
127
00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:26,193
I don't understand.
128
00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:27,794
Can you just explain
exactly what you want?
129
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:30,230
Well, I want you
to give me a pound
130
00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:31,531
And then I go away
131
00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:33,400
And give it
to the orphans.
132
00:05:33,433 --> 00:05:35,435
Yes?
133
00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:37,471
Well, that's it.
134
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:39,606
No, no, no, I don't
follow this at all.
135
00:05:39,639 --> 00:05:41,541
I mean, I don't
want to seem stupid
136
00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:45,145
But it looks to me as though I'm
a pound down on the whole deal.
137
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:46,880
Yes, you are.
138
00:05:46,913 --> 00:05:48,281
I am.
139
00:05:48,315 --> 00:05:50,384
Well, what is my incentive
to give you the pound?
140
00:05:50,417 --> 00:05:53,353
Well, the incentive is
to make the orphans happy.
141
00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:55,856
Happy?
142
00:05:56,390 --> 00:05:58,291
You quite sure
you've got this right?
143
00:05:58,325 --> 00:06:01,328
Yes, lots of people
give me money.
144
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,195
What, just like that?
145
00:06:02,229 --> 00:06:03,130
Yes.
146
00:06:03,163 --> 00:06:05,599
Must be sick.
147
00:06:05,632 --> 00:06:07,401
I don't suppose
you could give me
148
00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:11,438
A list of their names and
addresses, could you?
149
00:06:11,471 --> 00:06:13,807
No, I just go up to them
in the street and ask.
150
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:16,643
Good lord!
151
00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:19,413
That's the most
exciting new idea
152
00:06:19,446 --> 00:06:20,881
I've heard in years!
153
00:06:20,914 --> 00:06:23,016
It's so simple
it's brilliant.
154
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:24,951
Well, if that
idea of yours
155
00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:26,353
Isn't worth a pound
156
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,155
I'd like
to know what is.
157
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:29,156
Thank you, sir.
158
00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:30,524
The only trouble is...
159
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:31,758
You gave me the idea
160
00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:33,627
Before I'd given
you the pound.
161
00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:35,462
And that's not
good business.
162
00:06:35,495 --> 00:06:36,596
Isn't it?
163
00:06:36,630 --> 00:06:38,331
No, I'm afraid
it isn't.
164
00:06:38,365 --> 00:06:41,735
So... off you go.
165
00:06:43,470 --> 00:06:46,273
Nice to do business with you.
166
00:06:46,306 --> 00:06:48,041
Anyway.
167
00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:49,409
And off we go again.
168
00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:51,878
Uh... miss godfrey,
could you send in
169
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:56,216
The pantomime horses, please?
170
00:07:01,988 --> 00:07:05,759
Now, I've
asked you...
171
00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:12,399
Now, I've
asked you...
172
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:15,068
Shut up!
173
00:07:16,370 --> 00:07:18,105
Now, I've asked
you in here
174
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:19,506
To see me
this morning
175
00:07:19,539 --> 00:07:20,807
Because I'm afraid
176
00:07:20,841 --> 00:07:23,543
We're going to have
to let one of you go.
177
00:07:23,577 --> 00:07:26,880
I'm very sorry, but the present
rationalization of this firm
178
00:07:26,913 --> 00:07:32,753
Makes it inevitable
that we hive one of you off.
179
00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:36,690
Now, you may think that
this is very harsh behavior
180
00:07:36,723 --> 00:07:39,226
But let me tell you
that our management consultants
181
00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:40,727
Actually queried the necessity
182
00:07:40,761 --> 00:07:44,931
For us to employ
a pantomime horse at all.
183
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:47,634
And so the decision has to be
made which one of you is to go.
184
00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:48,902
Champion...
185
00:07:48,935 --> 00:07:54,274
How many years have you
been with this firm?
186
00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:56,943
Trigger?
187
00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:02,783
I see... well, it's
a difficult decision
188
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:05,385
But in accordance with our
traditional principles
189
00:08:05,419 --> 00:08:07,587
Of free enterprise
and healthy competition
190
00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:14,494
I'm going to ask the two of you
to fight to the death for it.
191
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:22,002
No, I'm afraid there's
no redundancy scheme.
192
00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:27,441
In the hard and unrelenting
world of nature
193
00:08:27,474 --> 00:08:30,577
The ceaseless struggle
for survival continues.
194
00:08:30,610 --> 00:08:34,147
This time one of the pantomime
horses concedes defeat
195
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:36,450
And so lives
to fight another day.
196
00:08:36,483 --> 00:08:42,355
Here in a colony of sea lions,
we see a huge bull sea lion
197
00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:45,225
Seeing off an intruding bull
198
00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:49,429
Who is attempting
to intrude on his harem.
199
00:08:49,463 --> 00:08:52,599
This pattern
of aggressive behavior
200
00:08:52,632 --> 00:08:55,669
Is typical
of these documentaries.
201
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,471
Here we see two limpets
202
00:08:57,504 --> 00:09:01,241
Locked in a life-or-death
struggle for territory.
203
00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:04,411
The huge bull limpet,
enraged by the rock
204
00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:09,349
Endeavors to encircle
its sprightly opponent.
205
00:09:09,383 --> 00:09:12,319
Here we see an ant.
206
00:09:12,352 --> 00:09:17,924
This ant is engaged in a life-
or-death struggle with the wolf.
207
00:09:17,958 --> 00:09:23,063
You can see the ant creeping up
on the wolf on all sixes.
208
00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:25,298
Now he stops to observe.
209
00:09:25,332 --> 00:09:30,003
Satisfied that the wolf has not
heard him, he approaches nearer.
210
00:09:30,037 --> 00:09:32,839
With great skill,
he chooses his moment
211
00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:34,841
And then, quick as a limpet
212
00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:39,212
With one mighty bound, buries
his fangs in the wolf's neck.
213
00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:41,948
The wolf struggles to no avail.
214
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:46,620
A battle of this kind can take
anything up to 15 years
215
00:09:46,653 --> 00:09:50,524
Because the timber ant
has such a tiny mouth.
216
00:09:50,557 --> 00:09:52,125
Here we see heinz sielmann
217
00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:55,328
Engaged in a life-or-death
struggle with peter scott.
218
00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:58,598
They are engaged in a bitter
punch-up over repeat fees
219
00:09:58,632 --> 00:10:01,735
On the overseas sales
of their nature documentaries.
220
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:05,205
Now they have been joined
by an enraged jacques cousteau.
221
00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:07,908
This is typical
of the harsh and bitchy world
222
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:09,342
Of television features.
223
00:10:09,376 --> 00:10:11,078
Here we see a honeybear
224
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:15,182
Not engaged in a life-or-death
struggle about anything.
225
00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:18,085
These honeybears are placid
and peaceful creatures
226
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:21,388
And consequently bad television.
227
00:10:21,421 --> 00:10:23,490
Here we see a pantomime horse.
228
00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:26,359
It is engaged
in a life-or-death struggle
229
00:10:26,393 --> 00:10:28,562
For a job with a merchant bank.
230
00:10:28,595 --> 00:10:32,599
However, his rival employee,
the huge bull pantomime horse
231
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,401
Is lying in wait for him.
232
00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:36,737
Poor pantomime horse.
233
00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,905
Here we see a pantomime goose
234
00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:43,243
Engaged in a life-or-death
struggle with terence rattigan.
235
00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:46,780
The enraged goose fires.
236
00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:50,016
Poor terence...
237
00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:53,253
Another victim
of this silly film.
238
00:10:53,286 --> 00:10:57,023
Here we see an enraged
pantomime princess margaret.
239
00:10:57,057 --> 00:10:59,926
She is lying in wait
for her breakfast.
240
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:04,264
The unsuspecting breakfast
glides ever closer to its doom.
241
00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:08,068
The enraged pantomime royal
person is poised for the kill.
242
00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:10,237
She raises her harpoon
and fires.
243
00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:11,238
Pang!
244
00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:12,773
Right in the toast.
245
00:11:12,806 --> 00:11:15,509
A brief struggle,
and all is over.
246
00:11:15,542 --> 00:11:16,777
Poor breakfast.
247
00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:20,414
Another victim of...
248
00:11:32,526 --> 00:11:35,295
Oh, a pantomime phrase caught
himself
249
00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:39,499
A nice little
dinner, fred.
250
00:11:41,968 --> 00:11:45,405
I think the dining room
wants his din-dins, too.
251
00:11:45,439 --> 00:11:49,209
Your turn today, dear.
252
00:12:01,288 --> 00:12:03,090
All right, mr. bedroom.
253
00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:07,360
You'll get your dinner, too.
254
00:12:13,166 --> 00:12:15,802
Postman.
255
00:12:45,766 --> 00:12:47,234
Oh...
256
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:51,838
Well, the 69's late again today.
257
00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:23,537
Do you hear
that, tim?
258
00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:25,105
Yep... could
just be
259
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:29,276
The house we're
looking for.
260
00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:33,780
This, then, is the story
of two desperate men
261
00:13:33,814 --> 00:13:38,185
Hired by the good people
at n.c.p. car parks
262
00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:44,524
To hunt down and destroy
houses too dangerous to live.
263
00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:52,466
Well, what
do you think?
264
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:57,270
Oh, these are house droppings,
all right.
265
00:13:57,304 --> 00:14:00,507
Okay, let's go.
266
00:14:02,142 --> 00:14:03,610
Pst, over here.
267
00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:05,145
That's the one.
268
00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:06,346
Cover me.
269
00:14:06,380 --> 00:14:10,851
I'm going to make
a try for it.
270
00:14:53,860 --> 00:14:57,898
And so, thanks once again
to the unceasing efforts
271
00:14:57,931 --> 00:15:01,001
Of the good people
at n.c.p. car parks
272
00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:06,406
The world is made
just a little bit safer.
273
00:15:42,743 --> 00:15:47,714
"sketch just starting,
actor wanted."
274
00:15:49,983 --> 00:15:51,918
G-good morning.
275
00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:52,953
Morning, sir.
276
00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:54,821
I'd like to join
the army, please.
277
00:15:54,855 --> 00:15:56,123
I see.
278
00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:58,892
Short service or long service
commission, sir?
279
00:15:58,925 --> 00:16:00,360
Uh, long
as possible, please.
280
00:16:00,394 --> 00:16:02,863
Right, well, I'll just take
a few particulars
281
00:16:02,896 --> 00:16:05,766
And then...
282
00:16:16,710 --> 00:16:19,513
Shove off!
283
00:16:23,617 --> 00:16:25,318
And then there'll be
a few forms to sign.
284
00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:26,853
Of course we'll
need some references
285
00:16:26,887 --> 00:16:28,755
And then a full medical
examination by the...
286
00:16:28,789 --> 00:16:29,756
Yes, I see.
287
00:16:29,790 --> 00:16:31,024
I-i was just wondering
288
00:16:31,058 --> 00:16:32,592
Whether it would
be possible
289
00:16:32,626 --> 00:16:33,693
For me to... join...
290
00:16:33,727 --> 00:16:37,097
The women's army.
291
00:16:37,097 --> 00:16:38,965
The women's royal
army corps, sir?
292
00:16:38,999 --> 00:16:41,168
Uh, yes, I was just
thinking, you know
293
00:16:41,201 --> 00:16:43,670
If it was possible
for me to have my choice
294
00:16:43,704 --> 00:16:46,973
I'd prefer to be in the
women's royal army corps.
295
00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:49,976
Well, I'm afraid that
the people that recruit here
296
00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:52,612
Normally go straight
into the scots guards.
297
00:16:52,646 --> 00:16:54,448
Which is all men, I suppose.
298
00:16:54,481 --> 00:16:55,682
Yes, it is.
299
00:16:55,716 --> 00:16:56,817
Yes.
300
00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:58,518
Are there any regiments
301
00:16:58,552 --> 00:17:01,455
Which are more...
effeminate than others?
302
00:17:01,488 --> 00:17:02,889
Well, no, sir.
303
00:17:02,923 --> 00:17:06,693
I mean, apart from the marines,
they're all dead butch.
304
00:17:06,727 --> 00:17:08,161
See, what
I really wanted
305
00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:10,731
Was a regiment where
I could be really quiet
306
00:17:10,764 --> 00:17:12,432
And have more
time to myself
307
00:17:12,466 --> 00:17:13,633
To work with fabrics
308
00:17:13,667 --> 00:17:16,336
And creating new concepts
in interior design.
309
00:17:16,370 --> 00:17:17,471
Working with fabrics
310
00:17:17,504 --> 00:17:19,473
And experimenting
with interior design?
311
00:17:19,506 --> 00:17:21,007
Yes.
312
00:17:21,041 --> 00:17:22,976
Oh, well, you want the durham
light infantry, then, sir.
313
00:17:23,009 --> 00:17:24,745
Oh.
314
00:17:24,778 --> 00:17:27,647
That's the only regiment that's
really doing something new
315
00:17:27,681 --> 00:17:28,915
With interior design--
316
00:17:28,949 --> 00:17:30,717
With color, texture
and line and that.
317
00:17:30,751 --> 00:17:31,718
I see.
318
00:17:31,752 --> 00:17:33,019
Oh, yes-- I mean
319
00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:35,322
Their use of color
with fabrics is fantastic.
320
00:17:35,355 --> 00:17:37,391
I saw their pattern book
the other day--
321
00:17:37,424 --> 00:17:38,525
Beautiful, beautiful.
322
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:39,993
Savage tans...
323
00:17:40,026 --> 00:17:42,929
Great slabs of black,
set against aggressive orange.
324
00:17:42,963 --> 00:17:45,031
It really makes you
want to shout out
325
00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:47,300
"this is good! this is real!"
326
00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:48,101
Really?
327
00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:49,102
Oh, yes-- I mean
328
00:17:49,136 --> 00:17:50,237
The inniskillin fusiliers
329
00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:51,838
And the anglian regiment
are all right
330
00:17:51,872 --> 00:17:53,173
If you're interested
331
00:17:53,206 --> 00:17:55,275
In the art nouveau
william morris revival bit
332
00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:57,377
But if you really want
a regimental line
333
00:17:57,411 --> 00:17:59,813
That is really saying
something about interior decor
334
00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:02,249
Then you've got to go
for the durham light infantry.
335
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:03,417
Oh, I've had
enough of this.
336
00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:04,518
I'm handing in my notice.
337
00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:05,652
What do you mean?
338
00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:07,387
Well, I mean, when i
applied for this job
339
00:18:07,421 --> 00:18:08,889
I thought I'd get
a few decent lines
340
00:18:08,922 --> 00:18:10,490
But you end up
doing the whole thing.
341
00:18:10,524 --> 00:18:12,325
I mean, my last five
speeches have been
342
00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:14,694
"really", "really", "I see",
"I see" and "really".
343
00:18:14,728 --> 00:18:16,463
I wouldn't give
those lines to a dog.
344
00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:18,632
All right, all right,
all right, sonny.
345
00:18:18,665 --> 00:18:19,633
I'll tell you what.
346
00:18:19,666 --> 00:18:21,034
We'll do
something different.
347
00:18:21,068 --> 00:18:23,003
I'll be a bus conductor,
and you can be
348
00:18:23,036 --> 00:18:27,741
A really funny
passenger on a bus.
349
00:18:28,175 --> 00:18:29,242
Any more
fares, please?
350
00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:30,310
I've got a chauffeur
351
00:18:30,343 --> 00:18:32,012
And every time I go
to the lavatory
352
00:18:32,045 --> 00:18:33,013
He drives me potty!
353
00:18:33,046 --> 00:18:34,414
Boom-boom!
one in a row.
354
00:18:34,448 --> 00:18:36,383
I'm not unusual,
I'm just...
355
00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:38,085
Fivepenny, please.
356
00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:40,754
Five beautiful pennies
going into the bag
357
00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:42,989
And you are
the lucky winner of...
358
00:18:43,023 --> 00:18:44,424
One fivepenny ticket.
359
00:18:44,458 --> 00:18:46,526
What's the welshman
doing under the bed?
360
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:47,561
He's having a leak!
361
00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:50,997
Oh, they're all
in here tonight.
362
00:18:51,031 --> 00:18:52,566
Look!
363
00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:54,000
I am looking.
364
00:18:54,034 --> 00:18:56,470
It's the only way I can keep
my eyelids apart.
365
00:18:56,503 --> 00:18:58,238
Boom-boom!
every one a maserati.
366
00:18:58,271 --> 00:19:01,074
Look, you said I was going to be
a funny passenger.
367
00:19:01,108 --> 00:19:02,275
What do you mean?
368
00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:04,211
I mean, all I said was,
"fivepenny, please."
369
00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:05,679
You can't call
that a funny line.
370
00:19:05,712 --> 00:19:07,080
Well, it's the way
you said it.
371
00:19:07,114 --> 00:19:08,148
No, it isn't.
372
00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:10,016
Nobody can say
"fivepenny, please"
373
00:19:10,050 --> 00:19:11,051
And make it funny.
374
00:19:11,084 --> 00:19:14,521
Fivepenny, please.
375
00:19:25,065 --> 00:19:27,701
Morning.
376
00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:44,151
Not so warm today,
eh, george?
377
00:19:53,827 --> 00:19:54,795
Good morning.
378
00:19:54,828 --> 00:19:55,796
Good morning.
379
00:19:55,829 --> 00:19:56,863
Good morning.
380
00:19:56,897 --> 00:19:59,933
Good morning.
381
00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:10,177
Come in, mr. horton.
382
00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:13,447
Morning, sir.
383
00:20:16,149 --> 00:20:17,651
Do, uh...
384
00:20:17,684 --> 00:20:19,019
Do sit down.
385
00:20:19,052 --> 00:20:22,255
Thank you, sir.
386
00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:25,492
Now, then, horton.
387
00:20:25,525 --> 00:20:27,094
You've been
with us for 20 years
388
00:20:27,127 --> 00:20:29,096
And your work in
the accounts department
389
00:20:29,129 --> 00:20:30,163
Has been immaculate.
390
00:20:30,197 --> 00:20:32,232
No, no-- please
don't say anything.
391
00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:35,836
As I say, your work has
been beyond reproach.
392
00:20:35,869 --> 00:20:37,104
But unfortunately
393
00:20:37,137 --> 00:20:40,040
The effect you are having
on your colleagues
394
00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:42,275
Has undermined the competence...
395
00:20:42,309 --> 00:20:45,345
Has undermined the competence
of this firm to such a point
396
00:20:45,379 --> 00:20:48,281
That I'm afraid
I've got no option...
397
00:20:48,315 --> 00:20:50,917
But to sack you.
398
00:20:50,951 --> 00:20:53,320
I'm sorry
to hear that, sir.
399
00:20:53,353 --> 00:20:56,723
It couldn't have
come at a worse time.
400
00:20:56,757 --> 00:20:59,226
There's school fees
for the two boys coming up
401
00:20:59,259 --> 00:21:01,795
And the wife's treatment
costing more now, sir.
402
00:21:01,828 --> 00:21:04,698
I don't know where the money's
coming from as it is.
403
00:21:04,731 --> 00:21:07,067
And now I don't
see any future.
404
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:09,703
I'd been hoping I might be able
to hang on here
405
00:21:09,736 --> 00:21:11,571
Just for the last
couple of years
406
00:21:11,605 --> 00:21:12,906
But now... i...
407
00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:17,911
I just want
to go out and end it all.
408
00:21:18,245 --> 00:21:20,447
Thank you,
thank you, thank you.
409
00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:21,915
And now for the fish--
410
00:21:21,948 --> 00:21:26,119
The fish
down the trousers.
411
00:21:26,353 --> 00:21:28,288
It's your laugh, mate,
it's not mine.
412
00:21:28,321 --> 00:21:31,058
It's your trousers, not my trousers--
your trousers.
413
00:21:31,091 --> 00:21:32,826
And now for
the whitewash.
414
00:21:32,859 --> 00:21:35,662
The whitewash
over you...
415
00:21:35,695 --> 00:21:37,264
Not over me,
it's over you.
416
00:21:37,297 --> 00:21:38,632
You get the laughs.
417
00:21:38,665 --> 00:21:40,233
You get all
the laughs.
418
00:21:40,267 --> 00:21:44,204
And now for the custard pie
in the mush.
419
00:21:44,237 --> 00:21:45,906
It's not my mush,
it's your mush.
420
00:21:45,939 --> 00:21:47,007
It's your laugh--
421
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:48,942
It's your laugh,
mate, it's not mine.
422
00:21:48,975 --> 00:21:52,979
It's your
bleeding laugh.
423
00:22:03,557 --> 00:22:04,825
Good evening.
424
00:22:04,858 --> 00:22:06,326
Well, tonight
we're going to talk about...
425
00:22:06,359 --> 00:22:07,794
Well, that is,
I'm going to talk about...
426
00:22:07,828 --> 00:22:09,262
Well, actually,
I'm talking about it now.
427
00:22:09,296 --> 00:22:11,765
Well, I'm not talking
about it now, but I am talking.
428
00:22:11,798 --> 00:22:13,266
I know I'm pausing occasionally
429
00:22:13,300 --> 00:22:14,835
And not talking
during the pauses
430
00:22:14,868 --> 00:22:17,504
But the pauses are part
of the whole process of talking.
431
00:22:17,537 --> 00:22:19,439
When one talks,
one has to pause.
432
00:22:19,473 --> 00:22:20,540
Uh... like then.
433
00:22:20,574 --> 00:22:22,209
I paused,
but I was still talking.
434
00:22:22,242 --> 00:22:23,410
And again there!
435
00:22:23,443 --> 00:22:25,312
The real point
of what I'm saying is
436
00:22:25,345 --> 00:22:27,247
That when I appear
not to be talking
437
00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:30,384
Don't go nipping out to the
kitchen, putting the kettle on
438
00:22:30,417 --> 00:22:31,618
Buttering scones
439
00:22:31,651 --> 00:22:33,387
Or getting crumbs
and bits of food
440
00:22:33,420 --> 00:22:35,322
Out of those round,
brown straw mats
441
00:22:35,355 --> 00:22:37,124
That the teapot goes on,
you know.
442
00:22:37,157 --> 00:22:40,093
Because in all probability,
I'm still talking
443
00:22:40,127 --> 00:22:42,195
And what you heard was a pause.
444
00:22:42,229 --> 00:22:43,964
Like there again.
445
00:22:43,997 --> 00:22:45,766
Look, to make it
absolutely easier
446
00:22:45,799 --> 00:22:47,334
So there's no problem at all
447
00:22:47,367 --> 00:22:50,604
What I'll do is I'll give you
some kind of sign, like this...
448
00:22:50,637 --> 00:22:53,640
When I'm still talking and
only pausing in between words.
449
00:22:53,673 --> 00:22:57,177
And when I'm finished altogether
I'll do this, all right?
450
00:22:57,210 --> 00:22:58,178
No, no, sorry!
451
00:22:58,211 --> 00:22:59,413
No, no.
452
00:22:59,446 --> 00:23:01,114
Sorry, just demonstrating.
453
00:23:01,148 --> 00:23:02,249
Haven't finished.
454
00:23:02,282 --> 00:23:03,850
Haven't started yet.
455
00:23:03,884 --> 00:23:05,285
Oh, dear.
456
00:23:05,318 --> 00:23:06,686
Nearly forgot the gesture.
457
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:09,256
Hope none of you are
nipping out into the kitchen
458
00:23:09,289 --> 00:23:11,992
Getting bits of food out
of those round, brown mats
459
00:23:12,025 --> 00:23:14,561
Which the...
460
00:23:14,594 --> 00:23:16,263
Good evening.
461
00:23:16,296 --> 00:23:17,931
Tonight, I want to talk about...
462
00:23:17,964 --> 00:23:20,701
We interrupt this program
to annoy you
463
00:23:20,734 --> 00:23:23,336
And make things
generally irritating for you.
464
00:23:23,370 --> 00:23:27,407
...with a large piece
of wet paper.
465
00:23:27,441 --> 00:23:29,409
Turn the paper over...
466
00:23:29,443 --> 00:23:32,646
Turn the paper over,
keeping your eye on the camel
467
00:23:32,679 --> 00:23:35,549
And paste down the edge
of the sailor's uniform
468
00:23:35,582 --> 00:23:41,154
Until the word "maudling"
is almost totally obscured.
469
00:23:41,188 --> 00:23:44,257
Well, that's one way
of doing it.
470
00:23:44,291 --> 00:23:45,492
Good evening.
471
00:23:45,525 --> 00:23:46,827
We interrupt
this program again
472
00:23:46,860 --> 00:23:48,395
"a, " to irritate you
473
00:23:48,428 --> 00:23:50,897
And "b, " to provide work
for one of our announcers.
474
00:23:50,931 --> 00:23:52,632
Good evening.
475
00:23:52,666 --> 00:23:56,069
I'm the announcer who's just
been given this job by the bbc
476
00:23:56,103 --> 00:23:59,139
And I'd just like to say
how grateful I am to the bbc
477
00:23:59,172 --> 00:24:00,674
For providing me with work
478
00:24:00,707 --> 00:24:02,609
Particularly at
this time of year
479
00:24:02,642 --> 00:24:05,245
When things are a bit thin
for us announcers.
480
00:24:05,278 --> 00:24:07,180
Um...
481
00:24:07,214 --> 00:24:11,418
I don't know whether
I should tell you this, but...
482
00:24:11,451 --> 00:24:16,490
Well, I have been going through
a rather tough time recently.
483
00:24:16,523 --> 00:24:18,792
Things have been
pretty awful at home.
484
00:24:18,825 --> 00:24:23,029
My wife, josephine--
"joe-jums"as I call her--
485
00:24:23,063 --> 00:24:24,664
Who's also an announcer...
486
00:24:24,698 --> 00:24:26,299
Hello.
487
00:24:26,333 --> 00:24:28,668
Uh, has not been able
to announce
488
00:24:28,702 --> 00:24:32,539
Since our youngest, clifford,
was born, and...
489
00:24:32,572 --> 00:24:34,408
Well, I've just got
no confidence left.
490
00:24:34,441 --> 00:24:36,443
I mean... I can't get up
in the morning.
491
00:24:36,476 --> 00:24:38,412
I feel there's
nothing worth living for.
492
00:24:38,445 --> 00:24:40,213
Hello, I'm another announcer.
493
00:24:40,247 --> 00:24:41,481
My name is dick.
494
00:24:41,515 --> 00:24:43,116
Joe-jums just rang me
495
00:24:43,150 --> 00:24:45,485
And said jack was having a bad
time with this announcement
496
00:24:45,519 --> 00:24:47,020
So I've just come
to give him a hand.
497
00:24:47,054 --> 00:24:48,155
How is he, joe-jums?
498
00:24:48,188 --> 00:24:49,656
Pretty bad, dick.
499
00:24:49,689 --> 00:24:50,991
Jack, it's dick.
500
00:24:51,024 --> 00:24:53,193
Do you want me
to make the announcement?
501
00:24:53,226 --> 00:24:55,062
No.
502
00:24:55,095 --> 00:24:58,932
No, dick, I must do it myself.
503
00:24:58,965 --> 00:25:00,801
It's my last chance
with the bbc.
504
00:25:00,834 --> 00:25:02,069
I can't throw it away.
505
00:25:02,102 --> 00:25:03,937
I've got to do it
506
00:25:03,970 --> 00:25:07,674
For joe-jums, for the kids...
507
00:25:07,708 --> 00:25:09,176
I've got to go through with it.
508
00:25:09,209 --> 00:25:10,610
Good man.
509
00:25:10,644 --> 00:25:12,713
Now, remember
your announcer's training--
510
00:25:12,746 --> 00:25:18,218
Deep breaths, and try not to
think about what you're saying.
511
00:25:18,251 --> 00:25:20,120
Good evening.
512
00:25:20,153 --> 00:25:21,521
This is bbc 1.
513
00:25:21,555 --> 00:25:23,724
Good luck, jack.
514
00:25:23,757 --> 00:25:25,325
Keep going, old boy.
515
00:25:25,358 --> 00:25:26,960
It's 9:00
516
00:25:26,993 --> 00:25:29,029
And time for the news
517
00:25:29,062 --> 00:25:32,833
Read by richard baker.
518
00:25:32,999 --> 00:25:34,167
You've done it!
519
00:25:34,201 --> 00:25:35,435
Congratulations, old man!
520
00:25:35,469 --> 00:25:36,503
Was it okay?
521
00:25:36,536 --> 00:25:37,704
Absolutely top-o!
522
00:25:37,738 --> 00:25:39,272
Absolutely marvelous.
523
00:25:39,306 --> 00:25:40,273
You know you were!
524
00:25:40,307 --> 00:25:41,575
Fantastic, darling!
525
00:25:41,608 --> 00:25:44,644
You were brilliant, really.
526
00:25:44,678 --> 00:25:48,982
It's so marvelous
to have you here.
527
00:25:49,015 --> 00:25:53,320
For god's sake, drink this...
528
00:25:56,556 --> 00:25:57,958
You were rock solid.
529
00:25:57,991 --> 00:26:01,361
Thanks very much.
530
00:26:20,247 --> 00:26:23,050
I can't tell you
how much that means.
531
00:26:23,083 --> 00:26:27,554
I think it's a turning point...
532
00:26:32,092 --> 00:26:33,160
Hello, reggie.
533
00:26:33,193 --> 00:26:34,161
What?
534
00:26:34,194 --> 00:26:35,462
Is that gordon?
535
00:26:35,495 --> 00:26:39,266
Yes-- hang on, reggie.
536
00:26:39,933 --> 00:26:45,038
...until the name maudling
is almost totally obscured.
537
00:26:45,072 --> 00:26:47,708
That is the ned
of the nicloe-nock wens.
538
00:26:47,741 --> 00:26:53,113
And now it's time
for the late-night flim.
539
00:27:31,585 --> 00:27:33,620
Oh!
540
00:27:33,653 --> 00:27:37,991
Oh, pantomime horse,
that was... wonderful!
541
00:27:38,024 --> 00:27:39,926
Would you like
another glass?
542
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:41,495
Oh, no, no, I mustn't.
543
00:27:41,528 --> 00:27:44,264
It makes me throw up.
544
00:27:44,297 --> 00:27:47,000
Oh, I'm so
bleeding happy.
545
00:27:47,034 --> 00:27:48,535
Oh, simone.
546
00:27:48,568 --> 00:27:51,338
Oh, pantomime horse.
547
00:27:51,371 --> 00:27:53,940
Then...
548
00:28:34,781 --> 00:28:36,183
And now the english
pantomime horse
549
00:28:36,216 --> 00:28:38,618
Has very nearly caught up with
the russian pantomime horse.
550
00:28:38,652 --> 00:28:40,520
I think he's going
to take him any moment now.
551
00:28:40,554 --> 00:28:42,022
But what is this?
what is this?
552
00:28:42,055 --> 00:28:44,024
Yes, it's the pantomime
princess margaret
553
00:28:44,057 --> 00:28:45,459
And the pantomime goose
554
00:28:45,492 --> 00:28:47,627
And they're attacking
the english pantomime horse
555
00:28:47,661 --> 00:28:49,763
And the russian
pantomime horse has got away
556
00:28:49,796 --> 00:28:50,764
But who is this?
557
00:28:50,797 --> 00:28:51,965
My goodness me!
558
00:28:51,998 --> 00:28:56,870
It's the duke of kent
to the rescue.
559
00:29:12,018 --> 00:29:14,154
Here you see
560
00:29:14,187 --> 00:29:15,555
Some english comic actors
561
00:29:15,589 --> 00:29:17,424
Engaged in a life-or-death
struggle
562
00:29:17,457 --> 00:29:18,859
With a rather weak ending.
563
00:29:18,892 --> 00:29:21,395
This is typical of
the zany, madcap world
564
00:29:21,428 --> 00:29:23,597
Of the irresistible,
kooky funsters.
565
00:29:23,630 --> 00:29:25,665
The english pantomime horse wins
566
00:29:25,699 --> 00:29:28,402
And so is assured
of a place in british history
567
00:29:28,435 --> 00:29:31,972
And a steady job
in a merchant bank.
568
00:29:32,005 --> 00:29:34,908
Unfortunately, before
his pension rights are assured
569
00:29:34,941 --> 00:29:36,643
He catches bronchitis and dies
570
00:29:36,676 --> 00:29:43,250
Another victim of the need
to finish these shows on time.
571
00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:47,094
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572
00:29:47,144 --> 00:29:51,694
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