All language subtitles for Monty Pythons Flying Circus s03e02 Popular.eng

Who, a year ago, had heard
of mr. and mrs. brian norris

Of 37 gledhill gardens,
parsons green?

And yet, their epic journey
in ebw 343 has set them

Alongside thor heyerdahl
and sir edmund hillary.

Starting only with a theory,
mr. norris set out to prove

That the inhabitants
of hounslow

Could have been descendants
of the people of surbiton

Who had made
the great trek north.

No newcomer to this field

Mr. norris' a short history
of motor traffic

Between purley and esher

Had become a minor classic
in the car-swapping belt.

But why would the people
of surbiton go to hounslow?

Mr. norris had noticed
three things:

Firstly,
the similarity of houses;

Secondly, the similarity
of costume

Between hounslow and surbiton;

And thirdly,
the similarity of speech.

Are you still running
the g.d.b.d.m.d.b.?

Ah, yes, but I've had
the excess nipples woppled

To remove tamping.

Jolly good.

Were these just coincidences

Or were they,
as mr. norris believed

Part of an identical
cultural background?

One further discovery
convinced him:

The lawnmower.

Surely such a sophisticated
household gadget

Could not have
been generated independently

In two separate areas.

Mr. norris was convinced.

I'm convinced.

But how to prove it?

But how to prove it?

There was only one way
to see if the journey

Between surbiton and hounslow
was possible

And that was
to try and make it.

Months of preparation followed

While mr. norris
continued his research

In the putney public library

And mrs. norris
made sandwiches.

Finally, by april

They were ready.

On the 23rd,
mr. and mrs. norris set out

From abide-a-wee to motor
the 15 miles to surbiton

Watched by a crowd
of local well-wishers.

That evening,
they dined at tooting.

This would be the last
they'd see of civilization.

Mr. norris' diary
for the 23rd reveals

The extraordinary calmness

And deep inner peacefulness
of his mind.

7:30-- fed cat.

8:00-- breakfast.

8:30-- yes, (successfully).

9:00-- set out
on historic journey.

On the morning of the 24th,
early to avoid the traffic

Mr. norris' historic expedition
set out from surbiton--

Destination hounslow.

Early on, they began
to perceive encouraging signs.

The writing on the sign
was almost exactly the same

As the writing
in the a.a. book.

They were on the right route.

During the long hours
of the voyage

Mr. norris' wife betty

Kept a complete
photographic record

And made sandwiches.

This is some
of the unique footage

Which mrs. norris got back
from the chemist's.

Mile succeeded mile

And the terrific strain
was beginning to tell

When suddenly...

By an amazing stroke of luck

Mr. norris had come
across the kingston bypass.

This was something
to tell the round table.

At this stage,
mr. norris was faced

With two major
divergent theories

Concerning
his surbiton ancestors

Did they take
the kingston bypass

Turning left at barnes

Or did they strike west

Up the a308 via norbiton
to hampton wick?

Both these theories run up
against one big obstacle:

The thames--

Lying like a silver turd
between richmond and isleworth.

This was a major setback.

How could they possibly
cross the river?

Several hours of thought
produced nothing.

There was only one flask
of coffee left

When suddenly
mr. norris spotted something.

Could this
have been the method used?

Hardly daring to believe

Mr. norris led his expedition
on to the 3:47.

40 minutes later, via clapham

Fulham, chiswick and brentford,
they approached their goal:

Hounslow.

Was this then the final proof?

Something aroused
the accountant's instinct

Very deep
in mr. norris' makeup.

The journey was possible,
and yet...

"wrong-way" norris had
accidentally stumbled on

A piece
of anthropological history.

It was the inhabitants
of hounslow

Who had made
the great trek south

To the sunnier pastures
of surbiton

And not vice versa,
as he had originally surmised.

This was
the secret of surbiton.

Happy and contented,
mr. norris returned

To the calmer waters
of chartered accountancy

For, in his way,
"wrong-way" norris was right.

And now...

It's...

Monty python's flying circus.

Knock, enter and approach.

Right.

It's come to my notice
that certain boys

Have been running a unit-trust
linked assurance scheme

With fringe benefits and full
cash-in endowment facilities.

Apparently,
small investors were attracted

By the wide-ranging portfolio

And that in the first week

The limited offer
was oversubscribed eight times.

It was
tidwell's idea, sir.

Shut up, stebbins.
I haven't finished.

Oh, by the way,
congratulations on winning

The italian
grand prix at monza.

Thank you, sir.

Shut up.

Now then, this sort

Of extracurricular
capitalist expansion

Has got to stop.

I made it quite clear

When potter tried
to go public last term

That these massive
stock exchange deals

Must not happen
in big school.

Is that clear,
balderston?

Yes, sir.

Oh, and balderston,
next time you do

A "panorama" report
on the black ghettos

You must get an exeat form
from mr. dibley.

Sorry, sir.

Shut up,
and stop slouching.

Now, the reason
I've called you in here today

Is that my wife is having
a little trouble with her, uh...

With her waterworks,
and, uh...

I think she needs
a bit of attention.

Now, which one of you
is the surgeon?

Come on, I know
one of you is.

Now, which one is it?

Ah, tidwell.

Good. well,
I want you to cut along

Have a look at the wife.

Oh, sir, why don't you ask
stebbins? he's a gynecologist.

Oh, you rotten stinker,
tidwell!

Shh. is this true, stebbins?

Are you a gynecologist?

Yes, sir.

Right. just the man.
how much do you charge?

30 guineas, sir.

Excellent. right. I want you

To go along to see the wife.

Give her a full examination.

Let me know the results
by the end of break.

And don't
pick your nose!

Hello.

Hello.

Well, last week
we showed you

How to become
a gynecologist

And this week
on how to do it

We're going to show you
how to play the flute

How to split an atom

How to construct
a box girder bridge

How to irrigate
the sahara desert

And make vast new areas
of land cultivatable.

But, first, here's
jackie to tell you all

How to rid the world
of all known diseases.

Hello, alan.

Hello, jackie.

Well, first of all,
become a doctor

And discover a marvelous
cure for something

And then when
the medical profession

Really starts
to take notice of you

You can jolly well
tell them what to do

And make sure
they get everything right

So there'll never be
any diseases ever again.

Thanks, jackie.

Great idea.

How to play the flute.

Well, here we are.

Um, you blow there

And you move your fingers
up and down here.

Great... great, alan.

Well, next week
we'll be showing you

How black and white people
can live together

In peace and harmony

And alan will be over in moscow

Showing us how to reconcile
the russians and the chinese.

So, until next week, cheerio.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

Oh, yes, he's such
a clever little boy

Just like his father.

Oh, do you think so,
mrs. nigger-baiter?

Oh, yes.

Spitting image.

Mmm!

Afternoon, mother.

Afternoon,
mrs. nigger-baiter.

Ooh, he's
walking already.

Yes, he's such
a clever little boy.

Coochy-coochy-coo!

Hello, coochy-coo!

Hello, coochy-coochy!

Hello!

Look at him

Laughing!

He's a chirpy little
fellow, isn't he?

Isn't he a chirpy
little fellow, eh?

Does he talk?

Does he talk, eh?

Of course I can talk.

I'm minister
for overseas development.

Ooh, he's
a clever little boy!

He's a clever
little boy!

Do you like
your rattle, eh?

Do you like
your rattle?

Look at his eyes
following it, eh.

Look at his
iggy-piggy-piggy little eyeballs.

Ooh, he's got
a tubby tum-tum.

Ooh, he's got
a tubby tum-tum!

Mother, could I have
a quick cup of tea, please?

I have an important
statement on rhodesia

To make in the commons
at 6:00.

Oh, mrs. nigger-baiter's
exploded!

Good thing, too.

She was my best friend.

Oh, mother,
don't be so sentimental.

Things explode every day.

Yes, I suppose so.

Anyway, I didn't really
like her that much.

Ooh.

Hello.
I'm your new vicar.

Can I interest you
in any encyclopedias?

Oh, no. thank you.

We're not church
people. thank you.

How about brushes?
nylon or bristle?

Strong-tufted,
attractive colors.

No. really,
thank you, vicar.

Oh, dear. turkey?
cup final tickets?

No, no. really, we're
just not religious.

Thank you.

Oh, well. bye-bye.

Bye-bye, vicar.

Remember,
if you do want anything:

Jewelry, ascot,
water heaters...

Thank you, vicar.

It's funny,
isn't it, how...

How your best friend can
just blow up like that?

You wouldn't think it was
medically possible, would you?

This is where mrs. shazam
was so wrong.

Exploding is a perfectly normal
medical phenomenon.

In many fields of medicine
nowadays

A dose of dynamite
can do a world of good.

For instance, athlete's foot--
an irritating condition--

Can be cured by applying
a small charge of tnt

Between each toe...

Excuse me.

Hello. I'm
your new vicar.

Can I interest you

In any of
these watches, pens or biros?

No. I'm not religious,
I'm afraid.

Oh. souvenirs, badges

Little noddy dog for
the back of the car?

No. thank you, vicar.

Good morning.

Now, many
of the medical profession

Are skeptical about my work.

They point to my record

Of treatment
of athlete's foot sufferers:

84 dead, 65 severely wounded
and 12 missing, believed cured.

But then,
people laughed at bob hope.

They laughed at my wife

When she wrapped herself up
in grease-proof paper

And hopped
into the social security office.

But that doesn't mean
that pasteur was wrong.

Look, I'll show you what I mean.

Watch it, mate.

I'm not going
to stand around here

Getting poked
and prodded all day.

I'm off.

I've got a decent body.

All I get is poked and prodded
in the chest.

Well, I'm off. I'm going
to get another line of work.

Watch it!

Don't go any further!

Turn back!

Stop! stop!
please! oh, stop!

Oh, my god!

He's fallen off the edge
of the cartoon!

Well, so much for that link.

John cobbley is the musical
and artistic director

Of covent garden.

He is himself
a talented musician

He's a world-famous authority
on 19th century russian music

And he's come
into the studio tonight

To talk
about tschaikowsky...

Which is
a bit of a pity

As this is farming club.

And on farming club
tonight

We'll be taking a look

At the ministry's
latest preventative proposals

To deal with possible outbreaks
of foot-and-mouth.

We'll be talking later on

To the man who believes
that milk yields

Can be increased
dramatically

But first,
a farming club special:

"the life of tschaikowsky."

Tschaikowsky--
was he the tortured soul

Who poured out
his immortal longings

Into dignified passages
of stately music

Or was he just an old poof
who wrote tunes?

Tonight, on farming club

We're going to take
an intimate look at tschaikowsky

And an intimate look
at his friends.

Incidentally,
bbc publications

Have prepared
a special pamphlet

To go with this program
called hello, pianist

And it contains material

Which some people
might find offensive

But which
is really smashing.

Peter ilytch tschaikowsky
was born in 1840

In a ken russell film
just outside st. petersburg.

His father leo mckern--
a freelance bishop--

Was married to vera plachenka--
julie christie--

But secretly deeply in love
with margo farenka--

Shirley abicair--

And the strangely flatulent
madame ranevsky--

Norris mcwhirter.

Soon, however, the family--

Eldridge cleaver, moira lister
and stan the bat--

Moved to the neighboring
industrial village of omsk--

Eddie waring--

Where they soon
found themselves, sadly

Quite unable to cope--
anthony barber.

In 1863, however,
tschaikowsky

Was sent to moscow
to study the piano

And when he'd
finished that

The living room.

Maurice takes
up the story.

Well, guess what?

The very next thing he did

Was to go to this extraordinary,
but extraordinary duckety-poos

Semi-mondrian house
in robin, russia.

Harry here tammy tschaikowsky

Wrote some of the most
sammy super symphonies

You've ever henry heard
in the whole of your lily life.

She was such a good composer

That everybody, but everybody,
wanted to know

And quite right, too

'cause she wrote
some lovely bits

Such as "sally sleeping beauty,"
"patsy pathetique"

"adrian 1812,"
and lots of connie concerti

For vera violin
and peter piano fanny forte.

But what do we really know
of this tortured ponce?

Well, if you can imagine
the size of nelson's column

Which is roughly three times
the size of a london bus

Then tschaikowsky
was much smaller.

His head was about the same size

As that
of an extremely large dog--

That is to say,
two very small dogs

Or four very large hamsters,
or one medium-sized rabbit

If you count
the whole of the body

And not just the head.

Uh, robin?

Uh, thank you.

Well, here's a three-stage model
of tschaikowsky.

Here you see the legs,
used for walking around

And which can be jettisoned
at night

And, um,
this is the main trunk--

The powerhouse
of the whole thing--

Incorporating, of course,
the naughty bits

Which were extremely naughty
for his time

And the whole thing
is subservient

To this small command module:

The, as it were, head
of the whole, as it were, body.

Robin?

Peter?

Simon.

Maurice.

Me.

Well...

Poor pet, she was like
a lost lamb in an abattoir.

Eventually, she dickie died
of colin cholera

In st. patsy petersburg,
in gertie great percy pain.

Here to play tschaikowsky's

First piano concerto
in b-flat minor

Is the world-famous soloist
sviatoslav richter.

During the performance

He will escape from a sack,
three padlocks

And a pair of handcuffs.

Good evening.

This new series
of trim-jeans theatre presents

Will enable you to enjoy
the poetry of t.s. eliot

Whilst losing
unsightly tummy bulge.

Jean.

Well, yes,
and the inches stay off. mark?

Terrific. thrill
to thomas a becket's

Kierkegaardian
moment of choice

Whilst making your physique
tighter, firmer, neater.

I am here!

No traitor
to the king.

Absolve
all those

You have
excommunicated.

Resign
those powers

You have
abrogated.

Renew
the obedience

You have
violated.

Lose inches

Off your hips,
thighs

Buttocks
and abdomen.

A terrific product.

Terrific!

And this comes complete

With the most
revolutionary guarantee

In slenderizing
history.

This was kevin francis
before last season's

Trim-jeans' play
of the month production

Ofthe seagull by anton chekhov

And the sauna belt
trim-jean company, limited.

See? kevin has slipped
into his slenderizing garment

And is inflating it with
the handy little pump provided.

Three acts and a few
special torso exercises later

Kevin-- as trigorin

The failed writer
of sentimental romances--

Has lost over 33 inches.

Wow! what a difference.

That anton chekhov
can certainly write.

Terrific.

Terrific.

Yes, why not join us

For a season
of classic plays

And rapid
slenderizing.

Enjoy sir john gielgud
and sir ralph richardson

Losing a total of 15 inches
in david storey's home.

Enjoy the trim gentlemen
of verona

And long day's journey
into night

While inches melt away.

Enjoy glenda jackson
with a constant snug fit

And solid support
in all four areas.

Other productions
will include:

Treasure island

Swan lake

The life and loves
of toulouse-lautrec

And the trim-
jeans' version

Of the great escape

With a cast
of thousands

Losing well over
1,500 inches.

Was ist das?!

Achtung! achtung!

Halt! halt!

Halt!

Wasn't that terrific,
ladies and gentlemen?

Really great.

Now, the next item
on the program is...

I can't stand it,
man. really not.

I've had it
with this idiot

Every night making me
say the most inane...

Really terrific act.

Now, the next item on...

I'm off. gone.

I can express myself...

If he feels the same
way I feel, man...

Welcome aboard, britisher pig.

Quite a little surprise, ja?

But perhaps you would be so kind
as to tell us all you know

About certain allied
shipping routes, ja?

Come on, talk!

Hello, fritz.

The tables seem
to have turned, old chap.

Let's see how you like a bit
of your own medicine, eh?

Come on, fritz, now tell us--
tell us about...

Ah, gleetings, capitalist dog.

Very sorry, but must inform you

That you are now prisoner
of people's republic.

I'm very sorry, comrade commando

But I have just picked up

A capitalist ship
on radar scanner.

This is your captain speaking.

There is no need for panic.

Women and children first.

I repeat that:
women and children first.

Do not rush for the lifeboats

And remember:
women and children first.

And indians.

Why did you have to get
dressed up like that?

It was the only
thing left.

Women, children
and red indians.

And spacemen.

Here is a revised list :

Women, children,
red indians and spacemen.

What's that
meant to be?

Well, it's a sort
of impression

Of what a kind
of renaissance courtier artist

Might have looked
like at the courts

Of one of the
great families

Like the medicis
or the borgias.

No, it's not.

It's more flemish
than italian.

Yes. that's a
flemish merchant

Of the 15th
or 16th centuries.

What? with these tassels?

Yes, yes.

They had those
fitted doublets going...

Tapering down
into the full hose, you know.

Exactly like that.

One moment, please.
don't panic.

Now, what's it meant to be?

I've got to tell them
something.

Is it a flemish merchant?

No, it is not
a flemish merchant.

It's more
a sort of idealized version

Of the complete
renaissance man.

Oh, all right.
no, it's not.

All right, all right,
all right.

This is your
captain speaking.

Do not rush
for the lifeboats.

Women, children,
red indians

spacemen
and sort of idealized versions

of the complete
renaissance man first.

Flemish merchants
did not wear

Hand-embroidered
chevrons!

They did not!

Yes, gomez?

"we found them walking
on the beach, my captain."

Gomez, why can't you
say this?

What? oh, I see.

We can't afford it. ah!

You see, the bbc
has to pay an actor 20 guineas if he speaks

And it makes
a bit of a hole in the budget.

28 guineas, sir.
oh, sorry!

You fool, gomez!

That's 28 guineas.

What about me, sir?

Are you supposed to speak?
no, sir.

Well, you've just spoken!
oh, sorry, sir.

You fool, that's 56 guineas
before we've even started!

Yes?

What did he do that for?

It's a stunt, sir--
an extra 20 guineas.

Look, we can't
afford it!

The bbc is short
of money as it is.

The bbc wishes to deny rumors

That it is going
into liquidation.

Mrs. kelly, who owns the flat
where they live

Has said that they can stay on
till the end of the month...

And we've just heard
that huw weldon's watch

Has been accepted
by the london electricity board

And transmissions
for this evening

Can be continued as planned.

Well, that's all from me, so...
good night.

Are you going to be
in there all night?

It's just a bulletin,
mr. kelly.

And now, back to the story.

Commence!

All right!

We found these men walking
on the beach, my capitan.

We're british
naval officers

And entitled to be...

It's puss!

Hello, puss.

Hello, children.

Stop! stop this adaptation
of puss-in-boots!

This is the police department
of the state of venezuela.

Oh, no, it isn't.

Oh, yes, it is!

Oh, no, it isn't!

Oh, yes, it is!

Oh, no, it isn't!

Shut up! shut up!

Now, I'm going
to ask you some questions

And remember, if you do not
give me correct answers

We have ways
of making you answer.

Like not paying
28 guineas.

Shut up!

Now, what ship are you from?

We are from
the ss mother goose.

We were 12 days
out from port of spain and i...

I got 30 bob
for the trousers!

We are from the
ss mother goose.

We were 12 days out
from port of spain

And one night, I was
doing my usual rounds

When I had occasion

To pass the forward
storage lockers...

Go on.

Oh, um...

Well, i-i noticed
something unusual.

The main bilge hatches
had been opened

And there, crouching
amidst the scuppers

Was the most
ghastly creature

I've ever seen
in my life.

As soon as it saw me

Its horrible face
split aside

In a ghastly look
of terror.

Its head,
which was like...

Could you sign
this, please?

A small, a small rat.

It was ghastly
and horrible and befurred.

Its little
red eyes glinted

In the unaccustomed
glare of the midday sun

And before I could
shut the hatch

It sprang upon me
with one almighty...

What this about doing

Horse of the year show
in here tonight?

I'm sorry,
mrs. kelly.

We don't know, I'm afraid.

This is drama.

Mr. fox told me
before he went down to the pub

That they're doing
horse of the year show

In here tonight at 9:10.

This is bbc two.

I think bbc one
are in the kitchen.

Well, I'm not
having harvey smith

Jumping
over my binette.

No. come on!

...tearing at my throat,
ripping my clothes...

And turn the gas off
before you leave!

All right!

I fought it with
all my strength

But it was
too much for me.

Its supernatural powers...

Another clear round

for harvey smith on o'malley.

And now it's mrs. david barker
riding atalanta, number three.

Right! that's it.

Come on, out, out,
all of you!

Get out of my kitchen!
come on!

Harvey smith...

Get out of there!

It's one of our
most popular programs.

That's what you
think, mr. fox.

Well, that's all from
bbc television for this evening.

Come on!
get out! out!

Get out
of my house!

Out! out!

Get out!

Tonight, from london

Your special guests are

Lulu...

Ringo starr...

And the man you've all
been waiting for--

Your host for tonight...

Love the outfit, dear.

It's gorgeous.

Hello. good evening.
welcome.

It's...

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