All language subtitles for Monty Pythons Flying Circus s02e01 Dinsdale.eng

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FACE THE PRESS

Hello. Tonight on "Face the press"
we're going to examine two different views of contemporary things.

On my left, is the Minister for Home Affairs...

who is wearing a striking organza dress
in pink tulle, with matching pearls and a diamante collar necklace.

The shoes are in brushed pigskin with
gold clasps, by Maxwell of Bond Street.

The hair is by Roger, and the whole
ensemble is crowned by a spectacular display of Christmas orchids.

And on my right, putting the case against the
government, is a small patch of brown liquid

which could be creosote or some extract
used in industrial varnishing.

Good evening. Minister,
may I put the first question to you?

In your plan "A better Britain for us",
you claim that you would build

88 000 million billion houses a year
in the Greater London area alone.

In fact, you've built only 3
in the last 15 years.

- Are you a bit disappointed with this result?
- No, no.

I'd like to answer this question,
if I may, in two ways.

Firstly, in my normal voice, then
in a kind of silly high-pitched whine.

Well, while the Minister
is answering this question,

I'd just like to point out the minister's
dress has been made entirely by hand

from over 300 pieces of Arabian shot silk

especially threaded for the Minister
by Vargar's, of Par�s.

The low slim-line has been cut
off-the-shoulder to heighten the effect of the minister's fine bone structure.

Well I think the minister is coming
to the end of his answer now

so let's go back over and join the discussion.
Thank you very much, Minister.

Today saw the appointment of a new head of...

- Don't I say any more?
- No fear!

Today saw the appointment of a new Head
of Allied Bomber Command.

Air Chief Marshal
sir Vincent 'Kill the Japs' Forster. He's in our Birmingham studio...

Hello Sailors! Listen, guess what.

The Minister of Aviation has made me
head of the RAF Ola Pola.

Hello. Mrs. Rogers?

No!
Ooh, I must be in the wrong house!

So from now on we're going
to do things my way.

For a start David Hockney is going to design
the bombs. And I've seen the plans...

That must be the new gas cooker.

NEW COOKER SKETCH

- Morning! Mrs. G. Crump?
- No, Mrs. G. Pinnet.

- This is 46 Egernon Crescent?
- No, Road! Egernon Road.

Road, yes, says here. Yeah. Right,
could I speak to Mrs G. Crump please?

There's nobody here of that name.
It's Mrs. G. Pinnet, 46 Egernon Road.

- It says Crump here, don't it Harry?
- Yes, it's on the invoice.

Yes, definitively Crump.

Well there must have been a mistake, because
the address is right, and that's definitely the cooker I ordered - a blue and white CookEasi.

- Well you can't have this. This is Crump.
- Oh dear, what are we going to do?

Well I don't know. What we can do for you
is take it back to the Depot,

get a transfer slip from Crump to Pinnet,
and put it on a special delivery.

Yeah, that's best. We'll special it
for you, we'll get it down there today and you'll get it back in 10 weeks.

Ten weeks! Blimey, can't you just leave this one?

- What, this ? What, leave it here?
- Yes.

- Well I dunno. I suppose we could.
- She'd have to fill out a temporary dispatch note.

- We could leave it on a temporary dispatch note.
- Well that's sorted out then. What a mess...

I know, it's ridiculous really, but there you are.
Glad we could be of such a help.

- Would you sign it down there please, Mrs Crump?
- Pinnet.

Listen, just for the books to make it
a bit easier, could you sign it Crump-Pinnet?

Right. Thank you very much, dear. The cooker's yours.

Sorry about the bother... but there you are ...
You know ... cheerio!

Hey, excuse me! Cooey!

- Er, can you put it in the kitchen?
- You what?

- Well I can't cook on it unless it's connected up.
- We didn't realize you had an installation invoice.

- An MI.
- No, we can't touch it without an MI, you see.

- Or a R16.
- If it's a special.

- No, it's not special. Special's back at the Depot.
- No, the special's the same as installation invoice.

- So it's an R16.
- What is an installation invoice?

- A pink form from Reading.
- We wondered what that was. Now these are the forms.

That's the one, love. This should be all I need.
Hang on. This is for Pinnet. Mrs G. Pinnet.

- That's right, I'm Mrs. G. Pinnet.
- Well we've got Crump-Pinnet on the invoice.

- Shall I sign it Crump-Pinnet then?
- No no no, not an MI., no!

- No - that's from Area Service at Reading.
- No, Cheltenham isn't it?

- No, not this side of the street.
- Look, I just want it connected up!

- What about London Office?
- Well they haven't got the machinery.

- Not now.
- What! The Hounslow Depot?

- No, they're still on standard pressure.
- Same with Twickenham.

- Surely you can connect up a gas cooker.
- Oh yeah, we could connect it up, love, but not unless it's an emergency.

- But this is an emergency!
- No it's not. An emergency is 290...

'where there is actual or apparent loss
of combustible gaseous substances'.

- Yes, like a leak.
- Yes, or a 478. - No, that's valve adjustment.

But there can't be a leak unless
you've connected it up!

- No, quite, we'd have to turn it on.
- Can't you turn it on and connect it up?

No. What we can do, this is between you and me,
I shouldn't really be telling you this,

we'll turn your gas on, make a hole in your pipe,

you ring Hounslow emergency,
they'll be around here in a couple of days.

What, a house full of gas! I'll be dead by then.

Oh well, in that case you'd have the South East
Area Manager round here like a shot.

Ah yes. 'One or more persons overcome by fumes',
you'd have Head Office, Holbom, round here.

- Really?
- Yes, that's murder you see.

- Or a suicide.
- No, that's S42.

Still, I thought it was Hainault.

No, Central area and Southall Marketing Division,
they're both on the S42 now.

- And they'd be able to connect it up?
- Oh, they'd do the lot for you, love.

- And they'd come round this afternoon?
- Well what is it now... 11:30...

- Murder... they'll be round here by two.
- Oh well that's wonderful.

Oh well, right love, if you'd like
to lie down here.

- Ok, Harry.
- Ok, gas on.

Right, deep breaths, love.
Ring Head Office would you Norman...

- Shall I go through maintenance?
- You'd better go through Deptford maintenance.

- Peckham's on a 207...
- That's LeWisham. What about Tottenham?

VACANCY - PILOT NEEDED
TO FLY VINTAGE MODEL

EUROPEAN MONARCHS
APPLY BRI. 5331

- Good morning.
- Morning sir, can I help you?

- Help me? Yes, I'd say you can help me.
- Yes, sir?

I came by your advert: "Small white
pussy cat for sale. Excellent condition."

- Ah, you wish to buy it?
- That's right.

Just for the hour. Only I aint gonna pay
more'n a fiver cos' it aint worth it.

Well it's come from a very good home,
it's house trained.

"Chester drawers."

- I'd like some Chester drawers, please.
- Yes, sir.

- Does it go?
- It's over there, in the corner.

"Pram for sale. Any offers."

- I'd like a bit of pram, please.
- Yes, sir. That's in good coondition.

Oh good I like them in good condition, eh? eh?

Yes, here it is you see.

"Baby-sitter."
No, it's a baby-sitter...

I don't want a baby-sitter.
"Be a blood donor", that's it.

I'd like to give some blood please.

Oh, spit, which one is it?

"Blond prostitute will indulge in any
sexual activity for four quid a week".

What does that mean?

- The Times, please.
- Oh yes sir, here you are.

MINISTRY OF SILLY WALKS

Good morning.
I'm sorry to have kept you waiting,

but my walk has become rather sillier recently
so it takes me rather longer to get to work.

- Now then, what was it again?
- Well sir, I have a silly walk...

and I'd like to obtain a
Government grant to help me develop it.

I see, may I see your silly walk?

Yes certainly, yes.

- Err that's it, is it?
- Yes that's it, yes.

It's not particulary silly, is it?

I mean, the right leg isn't silly at all
and the left leg merely does a forward aerial half turn every alternate step.

Yes, but I think that with Government backing
I could make it very silly.

Mr Pudey, the very real problem is one of money.

I'm afraid that the Ministry of Silly Walks is
no longer getting the kind of support it needs.

You see there's Defense, Social Security, Health,
Housing, Education, Silly Walks ...

They're all supposed to get the same.

But last year, the Government spent less
on the Ministry of Silly Walks

than it did on National Defence.

Now we get �348 million a year,

which is supposed to be spent on all our available
products.

- Coffee?
- Yes, please.

- Mrs TwoLumps, would you bring us 2 coffees please?
- Yes, Mr Teebag.

Out of her mind.

Now the Japanese have a man who can
bend his leg back over his head

and back again with every single step.

While the Israelis... ah, here's the coffee.

Thank you - lovely.

- You're really interested in silly walks,
aren't you? - Oh rather, yes.

Well take a look at this, then.

Mr Pudey, I'm not going to mince words with you.
I'm going to offer you a Research Fellowship on the Anglo-French silly walk.

La Marche Futile?

Bonjour...

et maintenant ...
comme d'habitude, au sujet du Le March� Commun.

Et maintenant, je vous presente, encore une fois

mon ami, le pouf c�l�bre, Jean-Brian Zatapathique.

Merci, mon petit chou-chou Brian Trubshawe.

Et maintenant avec le pied de droite,
avec le pied de gauche,

et maintenant l'Anglais-Fran�aise Marche Futile,
et voil�!

And now, a choice of viewing
on BBC television.

Just started on BBC2, the semi-final
of episode 3 of "Kierkegaard's Journals"

starring Richard Chamberlain,
Peggy Mount and Billy Bremner.

And on BBC1, "Ethel the frog".

Good evening. On "Ethel the Frog" tonight we look
at violence. The violence of British Gangland.

Last Tuesday a reign of terror was ended
when the notorious Piranha brothers,

Doug and Dinsdale, after one of
the most extraordinary trials

in British legal history were sentenced to
400 years inprisonment for crimes of violence.

Tonight Ethel the Frog examines the rise
to power of the Piranhas...

the methods they used
to subjugate rival gangs...

and their subsequent tracking down
and capture by the brilliant Superintendent...

Harry "Snapper" Organs of Q Division.

Doug and Dinsdale Piranha were born,
on probation, in this house in Kipling Road

the eldest sons in a family of sixteen.

Their father, Arthur Piranha,
a scrap metal dealer and TV quizmaster...

was well known to the Police
and a devout Catholic.

In January 1928,
he had married Kitty Malone...

an up-and-coming EastEnd boxer.

Doug was born in february 1929
and Dinsdale two weeks later...

And again a week after that.

Their next-door neighbour
was Mrs April Simnel.

Kipling Road was a typical sort
of East End street.

People running out of each other's houses
with each other's property all day long.

- They were a cheering lot though.
- Was it a terribly violent area?

Oh... Yes, cheerful and violent.

I remember Doug was very keen on boxing,
until he learned to walk...

Then he took up putting the boot in the groin;
oh he was very interested in that.

His mother used to have such trouble
getting him to come in for his tea.

He'd be out here, putting his little boot in,
you know... Bless him.

Kids were very different then, they didn't have
their heads filled with all this cartesian dualism.

At the age of 15, Doug & Dinsdale started attending
the Ernest Pythagoras Primary School in Clerkenwell.

You taught the Piranha brothers English.
What do you remember most about them?

Anthony Viney.

When the Piranhas left school,
they were called up but they were found

by an Army Board to be too mentally unstable
even for National Service.

Denied the opportunity to use their talents
in the service of their country

they began to operate what they called
"The Operation".

They would select a victim
and then threaten to beat him up...

if he paid them the so-called
"protection" money.

Four months later, they started another operation
which they called "The Other Operation".

They selected another victim and threatened
not to beat him up if he didn't pay them.

One month later, they hit upon
the "Other Other Operation".

In this the victim was threatened if he didn't
pay them, they would beat him up.

This, for the Piranha brothers,
was the turning point.

Doug and Dinsdale Piranha now formed a gang
which they called "The Gang"...

and used terror to take over night clubs,
billiard halls, gaming casinos and race tracks.

When they tried to take over the MCC,
they were, for the only time in their lifes, slit up a treat.

As their empire spread however, we in Q Division
were keeping tabs on their every move...

by reading the color supplements.

A small time operator who fell foul of
Dinsdale Piranha was Vince Snetterton-Lewis.

Well one day I was sitting at home
threatening the kids...

I look out through the hole in the wall
and I saw this tank driver.

One of Dinsdale's boys gets out.

He comes up all nice and friendly-like and says
Dinsdale wants to have a talk with me.

So he chains me to the back of the tank,
and takes me for a scrape round at Dinsdale's..

And Dinsdale's there,
in a conversation pit with Doug...

and Charles Paisley, the baby crusher,
and a couple of film producers...

and a man they call Kierkegaard,
who just sat there biting the heads of whippets

and Dinsdale says, "You've been
a naughty boy, Clement."

And he splits me nostrils open
and saws me leg off, and pulls my liver out.

And I say "my name's not Clement."

And... Then he loses his temper
and nails my head to the floor.

- He nailed your head to the floor?
- At first, yeah.

Another man who had his head nailed
to the floor was Stig O'Tracey.

Stig, I've been told Dinsdale Piranha
nailed your head to the floor.

No, no, never, never.
He was a smashing bloke.

He used to give his mother flowers and that.
He was like a brother to me.

But the Police have film of Dinsdale
actually nailing your head to the floor.

- Oh yeah, well - he did that, yes.
- Why?

Well he had to, didn't he? I mean...
Be fair, there was nothing else he could do.

- I had transgressed the unwritten law.
- What had you done?

Er... He never told me that.
But he gave me his word that it was the case and that's good enough for me with old Dinsy.

I mean he didn't want to nail my head
to the floor, I had to insist.

He wanted to let me off.
There's nothing Dinsdale woulnd't do for you.

- And you don't bear him any grudge?
- A grudge! Old Dinsy? He was a real darling.

I understand he also nailed
your wife's head to a coffee table.

- Isn't that right Mrs. O'Tracey?
- Oh no, no, no.

Yeah well, he did do that, yes.

He was a cruel man...
But fair.

Vince, after he nailed your head to the floor,
did you ever seen him again?

Yes, after that I used to go round to his flat
every Sunday lunchtime to apologize.

And we'd shake hands, and then
he'd nail my head to the floor.

- Every Sunday?
- Yes, but he was very reasonable about it.

I mean one Sunday, when my parents were
coming round for tea

I asked him if he minded very much
not nailing my head to the floor that week.

And he agreed,
and just screwed my pelvis to a cake stand.

The only friend I ever had.

I wouldn't hear a word against him.

Lovely fellow.

Clearly, Dinsdale inspired tremendous loyalty
and terror amongst his business associates.

But what was he really like?

I walked out with Dinsdale on many occasions

and found him a most charming and erudite companion.

He was wont to introduce one to many
eminent persons.

celebrated American singers, members
of the aristocracy and other gang-leaders.

- How had you met then?
- Through his work for charity.

He took a warm interest in Boys' Clubs,
Sailors' Homes,

Choristers' Associations, Scouting Jamborees
and of course the Household Cavalry.

- Was there anything unusual about him?
- I should say not!

Dinsdale was a perfecty normal person
in every way...

Except... Except in as much as he was convinced
that he was being watched by a giant hedgehog

which he reffered to as "Spiny Norman".

How big was Norman supposed to be?

Normally he was wont to be about
12 feet from nose to tail...

but when Dinsdale was very depressed...

Norman could be anything
up to 800 yards long.

When Norman was about,
Dinsdale would go very quiet...

his nose would swell up
and his teeth would start moving about

and he'd become very violent
and claimed that he'd laid Stanley Baldwin.

Dinsdale was a gentleman.

What's more, he knew how to treat
a female impersonator.

It's easy for us to judge
Dinsdale Piranha too harshly.

After all, he only did what most of us
simply dream of doing.

I'm sorry.

After all, a murder is only
an extroverted suicide.

Dinsdale was a looney, but he was a happy looney.
Lucky bastard!

Most of these strange tales
concern Dinsdale, but what of Doug?

One man who met him was Luigi Vercotti.

I'd been running a succesful escort agency

high class, no really, high class girls...
We didn't have any of that, that was right out.

And I decided... Excuse me.

Hello? No, not now. Shtoom... shtoom...

Right, we'll have the "watch" ready for you
at midnight.

The watch...
The Chinese watch.

Yes, right oh, bye bye... Mother.

Anyway I decided then to open a high class
night club for the gentry at Biggleswade

with international cuisine, cooking, top-line acts,
and not a cheap clip joint for picking up tarts, that was right out, I deny that completely.

And one night Dinsdale walked in
with a couple of big lads

one of whom was carrying a tactical nuclear missile.

They said I had bought one of their
fruit machines and would I pay for it.

- How much did they want?
- 3/4 of a million pounds.

- Then they went out.
- Why didn't you call for the police?

I'd noticed that the lad with the thermonuclear
device was the Chief Constable for the area.

Anyway, a week later they came back,
said that the cheque had bounced

and that I had to see... Doug.

Doug. Well, I was terrified of him.
Everyone was terrified of Doug.

I've seen grown men pull their own heads off
rather than see Doug.

- Even Dinsdale was frightened of Doug.
- What did he do?

He used... sarcasm. He knew all the tricks,

dramatic irony, metaphor, pathos, puns,
parody, litotes and... satire.

By a combination of violence and sarcasm,
the Piranha brothers, by February 1966,

controlled London and the Southeast.
In February, though, Dinsdale made a big mistake.

Latterly Dinsdale had become increasingly
worried about Spiny Norman.

He had come to the conclusion that Norman slept
in an aeroplane hangar

at Luton Airport.

And so on Feb 22nd 1966, at Luton Airport...

Even the police began to sit up and take notice.

The Piranhas realised they had gone too far
and that the hunt was on.

They went into hiding and I decided
on a subtle approach, viz. some form of disguise,

as the old helmet and boots were a bit of a giveaway.

Luckily my years with Bristol Rep. stood me in
good stead, as I assumed a bewildering variety of disguises.

I tracked them to Cardiff,
posing as the Reverend Smiler Egret.

Hearing they'd gone back to London, I assumed
the identity of a pork butcher, Brian Stoats.

On my arrival in London, I discovered they
had returned to Cardiff.

I followed as Gloucester from King Lear.

Acting on a hunch, I spent several months
in Buenos Aires as Blind Pew,

returning through the Panama Canal as Ratty,
in Toad of Toad Hall.

Back in Cardiff, I relived my triumph
as Sancho Panza in Man of la Mancha,

which the Bristol Evening Post described as
'a glittering performance of rare perception',

although the Bath Chronicle
was less than enthusiastic. In fact it gave me a right panning. I quote:

'as for the performance of Superintendent
Harry "Snapper" Organs as Sancho Panza,

the audience were bemused by his high-pitched Welsh
accent and intimidated by his abusive ad-libs.'

'Sancho Panza (Mr Organs) spoilt an otherwise

impeccably choreographed rape scene
by his unscheduled appearance

and persistent cries of "What's all this then?"'

- Never mind, Snapper, love, you can't win 'em all.
- True, constable. Could I have my eye-liner, please?

- Telegram for you, love.
- Good-oh. Bet it's from Binky.

Those flowers are for Sgt. Lauderdale
from the gentleman waiting outside.

- 30 seconds, Superintendent.
- Oh blimey, I'm on.

- Is me hat straight, constable?
- Oh, it's fine.

- Right, here we go, Hawkins.
- Oh, merde, Superintendent.

Good luck, then.

Read all about it. Piranha brothers escape.

Dinsdale? Dinsdale? Dinsdale?

Well, that's all for now.
And so until next week...

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