All language subtitles for Devils.Trail.2017.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP2.0.x264-QOQ

This show has taken us to many

exotic locales in our lives,

but none as exotic, as scenic,

oh yeah, there it is, New Jersey.

Zombie guy is just perfect for this.

He's as excited as we are to go to

the New Jersey Pine Barrens.

Who's ready to meet some Pineys?

- Hello again.
- Oh yeah.

Again?

- It's our next episode.
- Nobody remembers you.

Hey.

I don't want to be on camera.

Oh, come on.

This is our-our lovely
and talented friend, Lucy.

Who uh, who is kind enough to uh,

drive us to drop off points,

and then wait to pick us back up.

And uh, uh, she basically eats the food

we don't get to eat...

For the 21 days.

Is this your first time in
the New Jersey Pine Barrens?

It is, actually.

Yeah, yeah, first time.

It's, it's a lifelong
goal of mine actually.

It was on my bucket list
for places I wanted to go.

So...

I used to date a
girl in Edison, New Jersey.

But we don't want to talk about that.

So uh...

All right.

And action.

Hello, and welcome to
a very special episode of

Road to Nowhere.

I'm your host, Dallas Collins.

And I'm Hank Souza.

And we are here in the heart

of the Pine Barrens
wilderness in New Jersey.

A vast stretch of untamed wilderness

where for the next 21 days,

we will be attempting to survive

off nothing but the wilderness.

You know, a lot of people,

when they think about New Jersey,

they think of smog, highways,

and that one movie by Zach Braff,

but there's actually a bustling wilderness

that can be very dangerous
in the Garden State, uh,

far more scary than any Kevin
Smith movie you've ever seen.

This is also a very, very
special episode because

for the first time on this show,

we will be entering an
area of the wilderness

that is supposedly haunted.

And we'll be discussing
some of those urban legends

coming up shortly.

And uh, hopefully this
will be airing in October

so it can be our Halloween episode,

our first ever Halloween episode.

Uh, and if it isn't, then
man, those executives at

the Home and Garden Channel,

you're really slippin', folks.

Get a grip on your audience.

As part of our 21 day survival challenge,

we've been allowed three personal items

to help with survival.

Now, I want to mention that
these three personal items

are very important because
any advantage you could have

in the wilderness could
be the difference between

life or death.
- Yes it would.

But, other than these
three personal items,

and flashlights, which we were allotted

because without light,

we're just dead in the woods.
- Yeah.

Um, other than these items,

we have nothing more than
what a backpacker would have

if they had intended to
be out for an afternoon

and ended up stuck for a week.

So uh, Dallas, why don't you
show them what you've got?

Yeah, so today, I have brought
my knife/flint firestarter,

I have my military grade compass,

and I have brought my lucky slingshot.

Nice.

Well, I have brought...

My utility knife.

Very, very important
to always have a knife.

- Absolutely.
- Both of us need a knife.

Knives ar every important,
they're all-purpose tools,

and they allow you to very much survive.

So I have my knife, and I have a canteen,

for gathering water, obviously.

Uh, water is extremely important,

much more important than food.

A lot of people think that

they need to obtain food immediately.

You can live two weeks,
three weeks without food.

But water, you've got days.

So I have this canteen here...
- Absolutely.

So we can get the basics,

because we want to have fresh water first.

Mmhmm.

Then we'll want to attempt
to obtain shelter and food.

- That's right.
- And then of course,

the most important element, my sunglasses.

Sunglasses.

Survival gear.

Nice.

I have sensitive eyes.

Do you want a blind partner

in the woods?

Uh, not necessarily.

I think that'll put a damper on my trip.

Well, and if it makes,

if it makes you feel
better at home, folks,

uh, these sunglasses are about as useful

as his slingshot.

My slingshot is very, very useful.

I have hit many, many
things with my slingshot.

Your knuckles don't count.

But now, we need to go
further into the woods

and eventually find the right
campsite for our first night

in these spooky, haunted, witch's woods.

That's right.

And we're gonna talk a
little bit more about the uh,

the stories behind the
New Jersey Pine Barrens

in just a minute.

But first, I got to scratch my ass.

They're not gonna use that part, I'm sure.

I just...
- No.

I just thought that
that would be, you know?

I'm not gonna scratch your ass.

One of the biggest legends...

Oh, dude, dude, dude.

Take off your sunglasses.

Take off the sunglasses, dude.

One of the most famous
legends surrounding the

New Jersey Pine Barrens is
of course the Jersey Devil.

A story of Mother Leeds in the early 1700s

who had 12 children and said
if she had a 13th child,

"May it be born a devil."

And apparently, it sure was.

And since then, the Pine
Barrens in particular

have been haunted by this
creature with hooves,

wings, and terrifying red, beady eyes.

Now, that being said, it's
very important that I point out

that in the state of New Jersey,

there is a high population of cranes.

And cranes, if you look at a picture,

they kind of look a lot
like what people describe

as the Jersey Devil.

So most people, most
skeptics, myself included,

have dismissed the Jersey
Devil pretty much entirely as

people seeing cranes at night because

if you look at the woods,

you're gonna notice, they
seem, they seem pretty affable,

pretty nice, even on a gloomy October day.

But I'll tell you right now,

and you will find out
shortly in the program,

when the sun goes down,
these woods became...

these,
we can put a cut in there.

These woods become very, very scary.

I think that worked.

I like that one.
- Yeah, I think it was,

I think it was fine.
- Yeah, they can cut

that slip up out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fine.

Now, why are we discussing
urban legends on a nature show?

Now it's important to remember that fear

is your number one enemy out here.

People tell stories about the woods

because they're afraid of the unknown,

and that is what gets you
into trouble out here.

Now, you can't go into the
woods worrying about witches

and goblins and demons.

What you really have to
worry about is clean water,

and-and fresh food.

You can't let fear sink in.

The moment you do, you start to panic.

And panic is the number one
reason why people get lost

and they die in the woods.

So we're here to teach
you how to survive using,

you know, just what's in front of you.

How to survive, you know, a bear attack.

How to get clean water,
how to get fresh food.

This is why we're here, to
teach you how to survive.

So how much cash
money do you want to bet

that you can hit anything
other than a tree

with your slingshot?

I'm not placin' bets right now.

Well I mean, obviously,
when we get back,

you're gonna pay.

Uh...

See, he'd be fine with
placing a bet, folks,

if he thought he could win.

$500.

$500.

I will bet you $500 I can hit
something with my slingshot.

You gave me so much crap about that.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

You make it $750, you got a deal.

Sure.

Seven hundred and fitty dollas.

That's what makes me holla.

You're on.

All right.
- Let's do it.

All right, well then we'll shake hands.

I don't like that...
- All right.

I bet you don't wash
'em, but I appreciate it.

Well, we all know you don't like to use

toilet paper out here.
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Oh man...

I'm-I'm getting the camera out.

Look.

Just come on.

One-one second.

Oh my gosh.

I just don't, I can't believe this.

New Jersey's great.

Wow.

Um, ex

Uh, sorry to bother you or
interrupt or whatever it is

that you're doing.

Um, we were just passing through,

and couldn't help but notice...

Whatever it is you're doing.

We-we host a
nature survival show.

I'm-I'm-I'm Hank, and
this is, this is Dallas.

Um, and we are, uh, surviving in the woods

for 21 days in the Pine Barrens.

And uh, uh, w-why are you asking me,

what are you, pardon the intrusion,

but what are you guys doing here?

We're performing a ritual.

Are you Wiccan?

I suppose you'd call us
that in some sense, yeah.

And why are you naked?

The most important rituals
should be performed skyclad.

- Uh...
- Can I talk to you

for a second?

Ex-excuse me one second.

Hank.

No, we can't film this.

- Oh, we can't not film them.
- We can't-we can't film them.

We cannot not film them.

This is, this would never...

With a camera.
- This would never

fly past the censors, this is the

Home and Garden Network.
- Oh that's-that's fair.

Well, you know...
- You can't do it.

The editors may
be blurring it on the show,

and that's fine, but they'll
never blur my memories.

This is a nature show.

The, yeah, the,

this is as nature as it gets, my man.

Just, just trust me this
one time, all right?

I say that every time I get to see you.

Okay, um, I know you uh,

would rather not state
your name, and that's fine.

Um, so, uh, just uh, tell
us a little bit about, um,

yourself, what you're doing here?

Well, what you came upon was uh,

an ancient Etruscan ritual.

We perform sometimes to become impregnated

by the spirit of the air.

Does your, does
your family practice this?

Like, did you grow up with this?

And it kinda became
your belief system or...

This is my family.

This is my home.

Those are my sisters.

This is where I live.

This is where my heart is.

Okay, and uh, are
you currently seeing anyone?

Only the spirit.

It's so much easier to
connect with the spirits

and the essences of the
world around us when

we're not surrounded by TV and radios

and-and televisions and
computers and microwaves.

How do you feel
about the fact that people

call this the witch's woods?

Do you feel like maybe that
has something to do with you

and your, and your coven?

The people of your ilk that come here?

I-I mean this, these
woods have always been

associated with people
who share our practices.

So, I suppose that would
be part of it, yes.

You cannot take the left-hand path.

It is dangerous.

We have a camera
with us though, all right?

You will be hurt.

- We won't...
- You will be hurt.

This land belongs to Franny
Kalikak and her followers.

This is not your place.

You need to go.

So I noticed
that these women klnd of

glom to you a bit.

Are you like their leader or something?

I prefer to think of myself
as a teacher, or guide.

Do you have any
advice for anybody who's,

who's coming to these woods?

They seem very special to you.

Do you have any advice, uh,

for them if they want to
commune with nature here,

like you are?

Go home.

Is that in general, or toward me?

Go somewhere else.

I mean, you ladies
have all expressed to us

consistently that this is a
loving and beautiful place.

But now you're telling me to leave?

Love may be severe.

Okay, well, thank
you girls very, very much.

And uh, maybe we'll see you
on the way out, all right?

Blessed be.

Ex-exactly, thank you.

That was so good!

Oh my God!

Beautiful day for this.

It's not bad.

I-I was, uh, mostly
being facetious because

the clouds look like dog doo.

Uh, that is...

This is the most
inhospitable-looking environment.

I don't think it's the
worst we've ever had.

It's not the worst we've had.

No, no, not by a long shot,

but it's, uh, pretty chilly.

No, this is colder than I expected.

October, I think they
were predicting around

50 is the low.

I think we might be

right at that already.
- Well, yeah.

I think we've hit it.

So um...

I don't want to leave an
elephant in the woods.

But uh, did you know
that woman back there?

Yeah, the...

The one, the one of them, you
seemed really familiar with.

No, no, no, I didn't know her.

No, it was the first time we met.

So I guess, due to...

The weather kind of being a little rough,

and the fact that I don't know how much

daylight we're really gonna have,

I guess we should start
looking for suitable campsites.

Yeah, uh...

Uh, it's not clear enough over here.

I think we need to go a bit further

before we find a suitable spot.

I mean, it should open up a little bit.

At least, I'm hoping that.

I'm hoping lots of things.

First of all, uh, you
want to get some protection

from the elements.

So, make sure you pick a camping spot

that's under some trees
or next to some boulders,

just to get some protection from the,

from the rain and the wind.

Uh, it's also important though,

remember that, uh, not to
camp under some dead trees...

- Yeah.
- In the event of a windstorm.

We had a branch fall on us once in Peru.

Uh huh.

I remember that.
- And he doesn't like to

talk about that, 'cause
he picked that campsite.

I did.

I am very, very guilty of that.

That's the first time he
admitted it, it's on camera.

Well, everything's on camera so...

Everything's on camera.

- So...
- Uh...

Go on, yeah, so...

- You want to also...
- You want underbrush,

but you want the tree to be alive.

You want the tree to be alive.

Uh, also, you want to
camp near water obviously,

uh, to maintain a good water source.

Just make sure you purify it.

Uh, also, uh, make sure you're
at least 200 feet away though

uh, because of flooding.

- Again, Peru.
- If it rains...

Yeah, why do you have to keep

bringing that up?

Peru was miserable!

I know it was miserable.

You don't have to keep
bringing it up though.

The hotel after was miserable!

It was all bad!

Sorry, bru.

Sorry.

Hey, you know what?

I just realized something.

We should do something like,

how about this time, you be
the young, supple Alec Baldwin

and I'll be, uh, the
manly Anthony Hopkins?

Uh, I don't think this is like The Edge.

I think surviving in the wilderness is,

is a little different than that.

"I've gotta kill the motherfucker!"

See...

You know I I
could have been doing a show,

I could have been on Naked
and Afraid with some chick,

and instead, they stuck
me with this idiot.

Naked and Afraid people don't
get paid SAG-minimum scale.

Oh, but really, we'll get naked
later, don't worry about it.

I got you.

Don't, before you head
off into any, uh, forest,

you want to make sure you let people

know where you're going.

If there are any park rangers around,

just go ahead and visit them,

maybe even leave a map, detailing
where you're gonna end up

just so that, you know,
everyone knows where you are

at all times.

Yeah, one thing you always
want to have is a map.

Of course, we don't have a map

because we are lost.
- We don't have a map.

We are officially lost, that's not us,

that's what we're after.
- We are lost, that's

kind of the goal.

But you...

You absolutely want to talk to people

who know about the area
you're gonna be hiking

or camping in.

Uh, that's a very important element.

It's really important to uh,
keep in mind the fact that

woods tend to all look the same.

- Yeah.
- Uh, and that's why

it's so easy to get lost.

Uh, most people who get lost in the woods,

uh, are expecting to be
there maybe a whole day,

maybe with a sleeping bag
or a tent just in case

because they might, you
know, think it would be fun

to stay the night and then
come back in the morning.

But the fact is, these trails,
if you look at them they,

they all blend together and
they start to look the same,

very quickly.

Absolutely.

So if you're hiking and
you don't know what direction

you're going in, you're pretty
much guaranteed to be lost.

- That's why...
- Luckily...

That's why it's really important
to have a compass as well

and even if you don't have one,

or in, even in addition
to having a compass,

even if-if you're alone out here,

you know, if you have
something you can tie to a tree

or make a marker on, go ahead and do that,

it'll-it'll mark where you've been.

You know, in case you need
to return the same way.

Nothing would be stupider
than traveling without a compass

in the woods.

Do your magic, man.

All right, so, there are
many, many ways to start a fire

once you're out camping.

My personal preference
is the flint firestarter.

Uh, it can be a little
frustrating, depending.

I mean, it can take a little while.

This wood is a little wet, so
we'll give it our best shot

and we'll see how we do.

I mean, you're frustrating
and we keep you around so...

I know, yeah.

The key is to get a good
spark in the kindling.

The other key is to try not
to bore the audience at home.

I am, I'm being very boring right now.

Well, I'd rather be bored than cold.

That's very true.

And I do want to mention,

I don't know if this
is gonna be consistent,

but it is getting, uh, a bit
colder than we were expecting,

which is something you have to expect

when you're out in the wild.

Things aren't gonna go
exactly the way you plan.

And uh, we thought it was gonna be warmer

than it actually is.

So we need this fire very, very badly.

We have...

Maybe 40 minutes of sun left.

Just about, yeah.

Well like I said folks,
this can take quite a while.

Well, I think after our
failure finding the water,

we're going to accept
no other failures today.

- Oh, oh, oh!
- Oh, there's a good spark.

Oh, oh, oh!

- There we go.
- Okay, we got it.

We got a little bit of flame.

- Got a little...
- It's very small.

You gotta feed it.
- Uh, we're still,

yeah, we're good, yeah.
- You wanna blow on the flame

a little bit.

Try to feed it.

Look at that.

That's how you start a fire.

That's why you carry a flint firestarter

instead of a pair of stupid sunglasses,

as your third and final item.

Oh well, I-I
understand that your,

your flint firestarter starts a campfire,

but these sunglasses start a fire

inside the hearts of young ladies.

I won't deny that.

I wish we had marshmallows...

Whoa, what was that?

What was what?

Oh, do you have your flashlight?

Uh, yeah...

I've got mine, I got it.

What'd you hear?

It's, I mean it,

it was definitely like a...

Like a, I mean it was
kind of your stereotypical

branch snap, but...

Branches snap all the time.
- But I mean,

I'm kinda freaked out 'cause I feel like,

I mean, do you think those,

those witch women followed us?

'Cause they were acting really weird

at the end of the interview.

And they could...

Okay, kind of.

That's a fair point.

Uh, but...

It definitely is making
me a little uneasy.

Uh...

You know, for our, you know, first night.

Well, don't worry about it.

I mean, like, unless
you hear actual people,

I wouldn't worry about it.

It's a twig snapping.

We need to concentrate on getting warm

and just getting to sleep.

We need to get some rest for tomorrow.

We still have to find
a whole bunch of stuff.

You're right.

We got plenty of firewood to burn.

So I guess it's time to call it a night,

and let the fear go to bed with us.

Exactly.

Hey.

There is something
outside of the camp.

No.

I'm serious.

I don't know what it is,

but there's something outside the camp.

What are you talking about?

Look, look.

There's something outside the camp.

It was loud, man.

It was really, really loud.

I mean, did it sound
like an animal or a person?

I mean, I-I-I don't know,

I guess an animal.

I don't hear anything now.

I don't hear anything.

All right, well, let's go back to sleep.

Go back to sleep.

There's nothing out here.

Put some more wood
on, and I'll go back to sleep.

You just...

Go ahead, all right?

Ah, another beautiful October morning.

Yeah.

So how'd you like your, uh,

your floor mattress
here, your dirt mattress?

The most comfortable
bed I've ever slept on.

The fire was really good though.

It was good.

Good job, man.

So, first order of business,

take care of water.

Find some water.

And uh, food.

Food, definitely food.

Did

No.

You sure?

'Cause it, I didn't
leave it open all night.

No, I didn't touch it.

I mean, I had my backpack here.

I was just sleeping on it.

No, I didn't go near your back.

I didn't need anything out of it.

Do you think...

Like a

I don't know, I mean,

don't you think one of them
would of them would have

woken us up?

I don't know, I...

You su-sure like
in the middle of the night,

you didn't like a, you didn't
decide to change the batteries

in your camera or something?

No.

No, no, I mean unless I sleptwalk,

and I'm not known for sleepwalking though.

All right.

One of the most important
tools you can have

when venturing out into the
wilderness is a compass.

But, just in the event that
you no longer have one,

uh, there are a lot of
really important ways,

you know, good ways to uh,

to find your way out of the woods.

As you know, the uh, the
sun, uh, rises in the east,

sets in the west.

Also, if it's a cloudy day like today,

you can always find moss.

You know, moss always grows
on the north side of the tree,

so you can find that, you know,

which direction is north.

That's true, but it's also
important to keep in mind

that uh, sometimes it's not always about

getting yourself out.

Sometimes you want to make
sure that people can find you

when you're lost.
- True.

So marking your trail
is extremely important.

Either by cre-creating
some kind of an unnatural,

uh, stone marking on the path,

or something as simple as
tying a piece of ribbon,

or you can even take out a, your knife,

which if you don't have a knife,

don't even bother watching this show,

you're not gonna make it.

But you take this knife and just

make an unnatural mark in the tree.

You're not gonna harm the tree,

and it's gonna let people know
that you were through here.

No animal is gonna make that marking.

They're gonna know
people are along the way.

And you don't have to cut every tree.

Just cut maybe every five
or six trees along the path

at the same height to make
sure people can find you,

and you can get to safety.

It's extremely important to
make sure people can figure out

where you've been going,

because in a situation like this,

if you're moving a lot,

they're not gonna be able to find you.

But sometimes you have to
move, much like in our case,

because we have no food and no water.

And uh...
- But we will soon.

We will soon.

I don't know about you, but uh...

I have a really good
feeling we're close to water.

I think we'll come across
it within the next hour.

My muscles are starting to
cramp a little bit because,

well, we don't have any water.

Uh...

- That's a...
- Something to keep in mind.

Dehydration can sneak up on you.

You don't even see it coming.

So...

Once you have discovered water,

a good running water source,

you want to make sure that
it's actually safe to drink.

You don't want to drink it
straight from the source,

uh, simply because there could
be a whole bunch of bacteria

in the water.

You know, some people
say, "Oh it's, you know,

"if it comes from the top of a mountain,

"you know, it's perfectly safe."

No, don't try to, don't even trust that.

You probably know this
is you watch the show,

but Dallas hiked the PCT once.

I did.

And the majority of
people who failed to do

the 2,600 mile hike up the
Pacific Coast Trail, they uh,

they quit very early on from
drinking unpurified water.

Yeah.

But with us, we have, uh, iodine tablets.

We're gonna find iodine, uh,

put iodine tablets in the water

as soon as we, uh, find a good source.

Uh, you can also use a SteriPEN.

Uh, that's actually a
good, preferred method.

Uh, if you don't have any of those things,

uh, get a good fire going,
and just boil the water.

But please, do not drink,
uh, untreated water.

It's-it's not that safe.

Whew, let's-let's hold up for a second.

Okay.

So let's talk about food real quick,

'cause uh, I feel like,
uh, it's on my mind

and it's on your mind.

Yeah, well, I'm not gonna be uh,

using my slingshot.

Hopefully, uh, something will come along.

Best thing is just to stay still,

let the animals come to you.

Uh, maybe we'll see a squirrel or, uh,

if we're lucky, something even bigger.

But...

The slingshot takes
a lot of skill though.

And it should be mentioned...
- It does.

You know, I gave you a-a
hard time about choosing

a slingshot as one of your personal items,

and it is because the
success rate is very low.

And one of the...
- Maybe.

Biggest tools you need
out here is patience.

- That's true.
- If you don't have patience,

you're not gonna get dinner,
you're gonna be hungry.

Yep.

Uh, the other biggest tool in the woods

is definitely Dallas.

He would be the other big tool.

So uh...
- Thanks, man.

- Hey, you know...
- I appreciate it.

I got you, brother.

So we're going to uh, pick
a good spot and stay there

until the animals in the area hopefully

get used to our scent.

I smell rugged and-and manly.

Which I guess they're threatened by.

A lot of people seemed
to be threatened by it.

No he doesn't, he smells like BO.

I need you stay a little quieter.

You got it.

Missed.

Like I said, it takes a while.

Well, we only have
enough battery for 21 days, so...

Funny.

How did you miss that?

I don't know.

It was right there.

Damn it.

I got nothin'.

Wait.

Hold on one second.

Come on!

What'd you hear?

Trust me, it'll be a lot
better than your hunting.

That's what it's gonna be.

Oh, screw you, come on.

Let's see you kill it having,

at least I brought a-a
instrument for-for hunting.

You know, do you plan to kill
anything with your sunglasses?

Well, maybe if you don't
shut up and follow me.

Well, your sunglasses are killing me.

The ugliest things I've
ever seen in my life.

Oh, haters gonna hate.

Haters gonna hate.

Come on dude, trust me, you're gonna,

you're gonna be very happy about this.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah, buddy.

I don't really think
you heard anything, buddy.

Oh, I did.

- So you did.
- See that's the thing,

you keep forgetting, I
hiked the Appalachian Trail,

Eagle Scout...

I know a couple things about
one very important thing.

And that is finding water.

Here it is, buddy.

Congratulations.

Do I owe you an apology?
- Yeah.

Uh, well you're the one
who gets to drop down there

and fill the canteen
and we'll call it even.

But now that we have water,

we can set up a proper camp.

- That's true.
- And maybe, just maybe,

we'll be a little bit comfortable tonight.

Hopefully.

The weather has been
turning even more frigid.

It is very, very cold.

- But...
- I'm hoping we can get

at least a fire started.

Oh, I think we won't
have a problem with that.

No.

Not with a stomach full of water.

I'll take it.
- Yeah.

I'll take it.

So uh, so uh...

How...

Uh, how stupid are my sunglasses now, huh?

They're incredibly stupid.

They are the ugliest sunglasses
I have ever seen, I'm sorry.

What do they say on the side?

It's a band I like.

So uh, one part of survival
that people don't like to uh,

talk about so much is the fact that

sometimes you need to conserve body heat.

It has been consistently getting
colder in the Pine Barrens

every night, and the fire
is not quite enough anymore.

So uh, so I guess we're gonna spoon.

Come here, it's okay.

You're only the little spoon

because I'm 30 pounds heavier than you.

- No, no.
- So come on.

Come on.

All right, there we go.
- All right, all right.

- Come here.
- Okay.

It doesn't have to be weird

if we don't make it weird, right?

- Okay, all right.
- All right.

Yep.

- A little warmer, yeah.
- Yeah, all right.

That's fine.

Did you ever just...

Look at the stars, and wonder?

Okay, please, shut up now.

Let's go to sleep.

Do you think we all
have a guardian angel?

Don't care.

Just let me go to sleep.

Every person has a soul mate.

Okay, please...

Now we can, we can sleep for real.

Jesus fucking Christ!

Jesus Christ!

Okay, Dallas, Dallas, Dallas!

I-I 100% saw an animal
out there, or something.

I saw some shiny, beady red eyes.

You know what I'm talking about, like a,

like, what if it was a bear or something?

I don't know if it was a bear!

But what, could it have been?

I mean, the-the-the...

- I don't know.
- It could have been a bear.

Did you see it exactly or...

Yeah, no, I saw the eyes of it.

They-they must have gleamed
off of my flashlight,

or something.

Let's take a look around.

You sure you saw something?

I'm positive.

I just don't want
anything to mess with our,

through the, through there,

I don't want anything to
mess with our campsite.

I don't hear anything, man.

Look, if you're so worried about it, just,

all right, here's what we'll do.

We'll put up the deer camera,
it'll detect any movement.

Well, that was a night.

That was a night.

But uh...

Hey.

That's uh...

Looks a little weird.

What is that?

I don't know.

What do you, what do you think it is?

It...
- I don't know.

It's just hanging off the tree.

Well I mean it's, it's creepy.

Like, why would it be here?

Why would there be kids playing

in the deepest part of the trail?

I don't know,
what should I do with it?

Like...
- Throw it away.

Or keep it, who cares?

I'm gonna, I'm gonna toss it.

You can do whatever you
want with it, I don't care.

It freaks me out a little bit.

I don't want it.

All right, uh...

Let's keep, let's keep the pace, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Hey uh, remember when we were
in the Scottish Highlands?

And your pants got, got
so full of thistles,

you had to walk around
half naked for two days?

Okay, you need to stop talking.

Please stop talking.

Why do you have to make
everything into a joke?

We're in a bit of a situation.

We have to find food right now.

Your joking is not helping, okay?

Well, your slingshot didn't
help either, but I didn't

scream at you over it.
- Yes it does.

Yes it does.

I have hunted, I've, I
have killed a lot of things

with that slingshot, okay?

Tell that to my growling stomach.

I'm sick of your attitude.

You, you're an internet celebrity.

I know a little bit more about this

than you do, okay?
- Oh.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I don't have the hunting

and survival experience necessary, right?

Right, yeah.

Well, let's-let's-let's figure that out.

Let's do a wager that matters out here.

I'll tell you what.

How about this?

We'll split up.

First one to find food doesn't
have to dig the latrine.

Deal.

All right.

Good luck.

See you at sundown.

Asshole.

So, I just want to say
I have a secret weapon

that Dallas doesn't know about.

And I'm going to get,
uh, something good to eat

pretty easily, with any luck.

Luck is a big part of surviving out here.

So uh, what we've got here,

is a nice,

a nice creek.

And uh...

I think I know what I need to do

to get some food out of it.

Certain kinds of fish like
to hide in the shallows,

kind of where there, there are shadows.

And uh, if you sit long enough,
if you're quiet long enough,

you can actually catch one
using your hands as bait.

It's called noodling,

uh, which is illegal in some areas,

uh, because it can be a little dangerous.

But when you're in a
life or death situation,

you just dip your hands in the
freezing cold water and hope.

So...

It is way too cold.

One of the secrets to noodling,

other than being very quiet is uh,

you have to wait it out.

And this water is making it
extremely difficult to do that.

I hope the camera caught that sound.

I don't know what it was but uh,

I intend to find out.

I will show him that you can in fact

make the slingshot into
a formidable weapon.

It is really, really cold out here.

My fingers are frozen solid.

So, I think it may be affecting my ability

to do this very well.

Whatever he's doing, I can assure you,

it is not as effective as this.

He will most definitely fail.

I'm gonna get that squirrel.

Still nothing...
- Dallas!

You've gotta see this!

All right.

This looks ominous, a little bit.

Kind of your stereotypical
abandoned campsite.

But uh...

Oh, what do we have here?

Oh, thank you!

What'd you find?

Oh man.

- Oh man.
- Not a whole lot,

to be honest.

Uh, looks like...

Somebody didn't uh, end
up staying very long.

They don't have a...

Yeah, no tent, no
fire, but they gathered wood.

They clearly ate a couple meals.

Uh, look at
the food in these pots.

I don't like this.

Uh, this worries me a little bit.

Maybe somebody got sick of it.

I mean, I'm pretty sick of it already.

Well I don't know why they'd
leave this stuff here though.

I mean, that's perfectly good stuff,

that's perfectly good equipment.

I don't know why they'd
just leave that here.

I don't know, but
I do have some good news.

Look what I found.

Spam, nice.

You know what this means?

I found food first.

I mean, unless you got a
squirrel in your backpack.

No, you didn't.

- Yeah I did, I'm afraid...
- You did not find food.

This is food.

That is food, we will eat it.

I will not give you
credit for finding food.

You found it in that backpack, didn't you?

Well, if you're not hungry,

then I guess I didn't find food.

All right, there's yours portioned out.

Multiple portions.

Look at that.

Oh!
- This still does not count

as you finding food, I'm sorry.

This is pure protein,
exactly what you need

to survive in the wilderness.

No.

Look, listen to me,
I'm not trying to bitch

about having to dig the latrine,

I'm just saying that you
coming across this food

is not the same as me going
out with, you know, with a,

a slingshot.

Just try it, don't be a baby.

You're such an elitist.

Eat the food of the people.

It's Spam, enjoy it.

Man.

See?

It's not that bad, is it?

I'd rather have the lichen on the floor.

Where's my light?

Did you see that?

I saw something.

Maybe we should uh...

Try to make the fire bigger.

I think uh...

I don't know, but I-I-I noticed earlier,

the clouds were getting a bit rough,

and I'm afraid in the morning,
the fire's gonna be out

and we won't be able to start it again.

Dallas?

Dallas?

Dallas, where are you?

Fuck, maybe it's...

Maybe it's coyotes.

Jesus!

Jesus Christ, where were you?

Where the fuck were you?

I went to the bathroom, man.

I was right over there.

Were you looking for me?

I yelled your
name, and you didn't,

you didn't call out or anything!

I didn't hear anything.

You all right?

Something happen?

What happened?

I don't know what it was, man...

What are you talking about?

I thought maybe
there were coyotes.

- So I...
- I don't think so.

I mean...
- I tried...

I tried hollering to get them to go.

Nevermind.

- I don't hear anything.
- Nevermind.

Just go back to, go back to sleep.

Good morning to be alive.

Okay, here we go.

Uh, so...

Um...

So the uh, the sleet and wintery
mix we've been experiencing

on and off seemed to come,

it felt like every 20
minutes to 25 minutes

while we were sleeping.

Uh, it kept everything
nice and uh, and moist,

very hard to burn.

So uh, our flint firestarter
was pretty much useless,

so we had a nice...

A nice night with no fire.

And uh...

That was great.

Uh...

I don't want to talk about it.

Leave me alone, please.

Folks, if you ever
wondered why after, uh,

about six episodes of
season one, all of a sudden,

I showed up on the program,

it might be because I'm willing
to talk about my problems.

It raises a fair point,

which is about your psychological
condition in the wild.

Seriously?

This is what you're gonna do right now?

You know, you're being a diva
right now and I'm being...

- I'm not being a diva.
- I'm trying...

You're being a
fucking asshole right now.

I'm trying not to
get angry at you right now.

I tried telling you...

I didn't sleep at all last night.

Leave me alone, okay?

All right?

Listen, I know you're
pissed at me right now,

I know you're pissed at me right now,

but when they look at the footage,

when the editor looks at the
footage and we did our job,

even though we-we were suffering,

you're gonna be very happy.

Okay, so I'm-I'm sorry.

What is this?

I don't know.

Did you put it in my bag?

It wasn't here last night.

What, did you put it in my bag?

Why would I put that in your bag?

Because
there's no one else here!

Oh, so I'm crazy that
our bags were moved,

maybe by wild animals, or you,

while you got up to take a leak,

but there's something in your bag

and now you're so mad at me,

maybe you need a timeout.

Maybe you should go take
a walk for just a minute.

No, 'cause you're acting
like a child, okay?

Who else would
have put it in my bag?

It had to be you.
- Look at...

Are you trying to fuck with me?

- Look at...
- I'm trying to make

a fuckin' TV show, okay?

Look at your bag.

It's full of garbage.

Maybe if you threw something
away every now and then,

you'd know what was in it!

I'm...

Hey uh, I'm sorry I yelled at you.

I didn't mean it, okay?

Whatever, it's fine.

You know, one thing I feel
like I probably bring up

too often on this show is uh,

the extra weight of all
the camera equipment

and batteries we're carrying.

It's about 40 pounds per pack,

'cause we don't have survival
equipment in these packs.

It's all us.

All the time.

But I guess that is the
reality of the situation.

It doesn't take you out of it maybe.

Uh...

You're gonna get dizzy if
you keep doing that, man.

Dude, this thing's not pointing north.

Well, did you calibrate it or...

Yeah, I calibrated it.

It's just the only thing you...

It's spinning around
in circles right now.

It's not pointing north.

Dude, what the fuck did
you do to this compass?

I didn't touch the compass.

I didn't touch it.

What did you do?

What would I, why would
I mess with your compass?

Because!

Where

Did you have another compass?

Yeah, the
one from the campsite.

I don't know, I-I didn't
take it 'cause it's like a...

'Cause it's a crappy
like, fourth grader compass.

You have a military spec compass.

You have to take advantage
of every situation.

Why wouldn't you take the compass?

Because I thought we had the
best compass we could have.

I-I-I...

What did you do to this thing?

Why would I break the compass?

You probably fucked it up somehow.

You didn't know what
you were doing with it.

You messed it up.

Yeah, I-I can't use a compass.

This is not pointing north, see?

It's not pointing north.

Jesus Christ...

I didn't.

Hey uh...

A little cold, huh?

The packs are gettin' a little heavy.

You think uh, maybe we could
take uh, a little break?

Tiny...

Tiny step?
- No, we have to,

we have to keep going.

Maybe just a minute?

No, we have to, we have to
get a far enough distance away

from our previous campsite.

And I'm stopping, just for a minute.

Just for a minute.

What is that?

I don't know.

- No that's...
- A marker.

That's, that's uh...

On purpose.

Yeah, it's on purpose.

Some kids probably made it.

Might be uh, to mark their path,

make sure they don't get lost.

Uh, well I mean...

But it's a triangle,
so it has three points.

When you're marking your path,

you want to have a direction that goes,

that goes with it, but
it has three directions,

because it has three points,
so it's a very poor marker.

I mean, it's a good marker...
- Well not...

Being that the geometry
is not in-in nature.

It's nothing, it's a marker.

Some kids probably were in here,

they wanted to mark their path.

Kids hiked...

11 miles, 15 miles, however far we are?

I
don't have an explanation, okay?

I mean...

Hey look, good news.

The sleet came back, right?

All right...
- I guess we're lucky.

Yeah.

You know, so this is
pretty bad, I won't lie.

But uh...

Do you remember when we were
in the Appalachians and uh,

there was that mountain cat.

Uh, we were so afraid of it.

You threw, you threw a porcupine at it!

Mmhmm.

Oh, you can't buy memories like that.

You know, another thing uh,

when you think about cultural differences.

You know, the Bedouin
tribe has this very strange

kind of ritual where they,

the men cover themselves in
camel urine, I believe it was.

That was one of the weirdest
things I had ever learned on a

Road to Nowhere shoot.

They covered themselves in camel urine

to be more attractive to perspective mates

in order to initiate marital intercourse.

And uh...

Kind of wish I had gotten you
camel urine for Christmas so,

'cause then maybe Dallas could
have some marital intercourse

and could be a little bit nicer.

Okay, shut up.

Please, shut up, okay?

We're in a situation right now, okay?

Just-just tryin' to...

Lighten the mood right now.

Definitely could use
some marital intercourse.

Shh.

These uh...

These branches and
this-this weird broken tree,

I-I-I'm almost positive
we've been here before.

We've been going
in the same direction all day.

So, no.

- Yeah.
- 'Cause this looks exactly

like what we've passed.

Well no, dude, we've been
going in the same direction,

we haven't passed this at all.

I mean, we've been going that,

we've been going, coming from
that direction the whole time

so, we need to keep going that direction.

All we're going is looking for the stream.

If we follow the stream, we can find food.

We can just follow that.

Uh...

I'm pretty sure this is ours.

Look, these are cut.
- Dude, no, dude...

These are cut.

We cut these.

We've been going

the same direction...
- Trying to get kindling.

We've been going the
same direction all day.

There's no way we could have
passed that before, okay?

Just keep going in this
direction, we'll be fine.

Just for a second, I can't,

I can't keep going at this clip, man.

We have to keep moving.

No.

There's no shame in just a minute.

Dude, we really need
to keep moving, dude.

It's starting to snow again, let's hurry.

I know it's snowing.

It's always snowing.

Let's just...

Dude, we can't stop.

- Just let me get some...
- We can't stop.

Some of the canteen, and
then I'm right back at it.

Get some water.

- All right.
- Thank you.

Man, these...

Uh...

No water?

None.

Yeah, totally.

- I-I don't...
- Where's the other,

where's the other canteen?

We don't have another canteen.

You brought a canteen
as one of your items.

Yeah, didn't you have,

you had another one right?
- I don't...

So that's
the only water we had?

No, I didn't let it get empty.

It was your job to fill the water bottle.

I did fill the water
bottle, but you carried it.

I didn't, I-I had
nothing to drink today.

What did you do?

I didn't...

The cap was on tight, right?

Yeah.

- Yeah!
- Okay.

Jesus Christ, it's your canteen!

I don't know why you...
- I know it's my canteen.

It was your job to fill
the fucking bottle, okay?

Come on, we need to get more water.

I need a, I need a minute.

No!

No, no, we have to get more water.

I need a minute!

Give me a minute, okay?

Give me a minute!

You knew what you were signing up for.

This is not for the weak.

That's all you are is weak.

We need to keep moving,
or else we're gonna die.

You understand that?

This is a survival show.

You can't sit down like this.

Don't you fucking call me weak.

- What the fuck kind of...
- You fucking fucker!

Fine...
- We'll find

the fucking water!
- Here's your show.

No, let's go.

There's your show.

Let me tell you something, hey.

One time.

That's all you get.

Well, take me to the stream,

'cause you know how to find everything!

Yeah, so lead me to the water.

You're being a useless shit!

I have to do everything!

Douse me in the water, captain.

Hey, here's one.

I know this isn't in your book.

Help!

Help!
- Shut up!

Shut the fuck up!

Hey, hold up.

One second.

Look.

That's a shoe.

Yeah, it's a boot.

Why?
- Yeah, but it looks like

there's like...

Some blood on it, like dried blood.

That's not blood.

Then what is it?

Dirt, it's dirt.

Who would leave
a boot in the middle...

You find all
sorts of shit in the woods.

How would I know?

I think we should call somebody.

- No.
- We found that campsite

just a couple of days ago...

And now we're finding,

we're finding boots and abandoned clothes.

I mean, how, who knows how
long this has been here?

This is a show, right?

So okay, um...

Folks...

It's important if you find clear signs

of people in distress that you
do everything in your power

to help them.

Oh, fuck off.

This is not the show.

It's not the show.

You're right, it's not the show,

so get out the satellite
phone and let's call some help

for these people.
- No, we're not getting out

the satellite phone.

We're not doing anything, okay?

We're gonna make our survival show.

That's why we're out here, okay?

We're not here to be a rescue team, okay?

Well, someone has one boot.

Tell me something, Mr. Survivalist Expert,

how far can you make it
in the harsh wilderness

with constant fucking sleet with one boot?

That's not our problem.

Our problem is survival, okay?

We need to get ourselves through this.

Give me the phone.

- No, no, no.
- Give me the phone.

You're not, you're not getting the phone.

- Just give me the phone.
- You're not

getting the phone.
- We won't need the show.

- Just give me the phone.
- You're not

getting the phone!

I'm gonna take it, then.

No, get the fuck off me!

Get the fuck off me!

Fuck!

We need to go.

Yeah.

I'm comin'.

Well...

I decided to uh, take a walk to uh,

you know, relieve some
tension and uh, it's hailing.

So uh, it is a lot
colder than we'd planned.

And I'm hoping that it stops,

uh, as fast it came because
this is a very difficult thing

to, to handle.

Nature, right?

It just...

Won't...

Stop.

It's uh, it's starting
to get kind of dark.

And uh, I don't see any water.

Your complaining is not helping.

I mean, should we start
thinking about camp?

Uh, I'm serious, we do
not have much time left.

We have to keep movin'.

I'm, I'm telling you right
now, we're not near water.

Yes, we are.

We need, we need to keep movin'.

Here.

Stand still for one second.

Listen.

Do you hear anything other than the sleet?

No, and the more you talk,

the less we'll be able
to hear running water.

All right, all right.

But we're, we-we cannot walk
like this through night.

You know we'll get worse.

We'll get lost worse.

We cannot keep this
pace up once it's dark.

Are you listening?

- Yes, I'm listening.
- I mean,

we're on the same page?
- I'm hearing you.

I'm hearing you.

Okay.

Are we really gonna hike
through all this sleet?

We're not gonna try to make a shelter?

If we started now, we'd have it ready

by the time it's dark.

You know, I really need you to man up.

And just do your job.

I am doing my job.

I'm talking to a camera
and I'm giving you advice.

Suggestions.

Thoughts.
- You need to,

you need to...
- Opinions.

Well, uh, the good news
is, this uh, sleet...

Is pretty much gone.

Um, it's October and...

The uh, low for today was
supposed to be 51 degrees,

uh, which is an important
element of survival.

And that is, uh, always be prepared.

We wore uh, warmer clothing
than we needed, uh,

because we knew it could be
colder than we were expecting.

And uh, we wore winter hats.

We did not pack gloves,
which was not wise, but uh...

This wind is really bad, man!

We're not gonna be okay if we stay in it!

We've gotta find somewhere to go!

Dude, we just
have to keep walking, okay?

We have gotta
find somewhere to go!

This is, I mean, this is the
worst I think I've ever felt!

I can't feel my feet and I
know you can't feel yours

standing out here!

Our best option
is to keep walking, okay?

If we don't find shelter,

we're not gonna get to tomorrow!

We're not gonna make it, if
we don't get out of this wind

right fucking now!

Come on, we gotta...

Do you see that?

Why would
there be a tent out here?

There's a
fucking tent right there,

I don't give a shit why it's there!

We need to get inside of this now!

I don't care if Jack the
fucking Ripper is in that tent...

- Dude, we have to keep going!
- If, if we stay in this wind,

we are dead!
- We have to keep going!

My nose is going
to fucking fall off!

Shut the fuck up and
get in the fucking tent!

You won't find it.

W

I threw the
satellite phone away.

What, are you fucking kidding me?

You...

Oh my fucking God!

What the f...

Shit...

Oh...

What are you, what are you talking about?

We have to help them.

It's our job.

We have to go.

Go where?

Jesus Christ...

Come on, s-slow down, I can't,
I can't keep up with you

doing it like this.

They went this way.

Hold up, hold up!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

At least take a camera, like,

we gotta do the show, right?

Do the show.

Okay, 'cause we're-we're
out here doing a show.

I mean, we're gonna find these
people and help them but,

we're out here doing a show.

Keep-keep it in mind, man.

This way.

Wait, now, if
we find these people,

they're clearly hurt.

Are, shouldn't...

Shouldn't we worry about
like, what if we're in danger?

Like, there was blood all over the tent.

Don't you think we should be careful?

Like, how would we protect ourselves?

We don't, we're not prepared for this.

This is our job.

We have to help them.

Help who?

You're, I don't understand
what you're talking about.

Please slow down, man.

This is breaking me.

Please.

We can't keep going like this.

We can't waste any time.

Well, at least tell me,

where are we going, what direction?

Like, why are we going this way?

You keep looking at the ground.

I'm not seeing anything.

What is it?

Show me what you're seeing.

They went this way.

Who?

Who went this way?

We're coming!

What are you...

We're coming!

You've gotta hold off!

I can't keep up!

I c...

I can't keep up!

Please!

Hold on!

We're close.

Close to what?

They're here.

Who's they?

Pl...

I know you're not usually
the most communicative guy

in the world, but this
is pretty impressive man,

even for you, come on.

It's getting...

We, why would we, it's getting dark.

It's gonna be dark in no time flat.

Hank, this is our job.

We have to do this.

That way, straight ahead?

Come on.

Okay, slow down, we can't
go this hard at night!

You know what we can't!

Come on, slow down!

I can't even keep up with you!

We're gonna, we're gonna trip and break

our fuckin' heads!

They were dragged by their feet.

This way.

Who was dragged by their feet?

And if we need, they need so much help,

why don't we find a road
or go to the pickup spot,

or do something other than
wander in the woods in the dark?

Fucking Christ...

They're close.

Who's close?

We have to find her.

Who are you talking about?

Wait, come on!
- We're coming!

- I ca...
- We're coming!

I can't keep up with
you if you're going that fast!

I can't keep up with you

if you're going that fast!

Fucking...

Oh, fuck...

I am so fucking lost.

Jesus Christ.

Okay.

I gotta find him.

He's a fucking asshole
and he's insane but...

He's gonna, he's gonna die alone out here.

Fuck!

Okay, I hear you.

I hear you.

I hear you...

I'm coming.

Jesus fucking Christ...

Oh my God.

You're...

Are you okay?

Christ, are you hurt?

Dallas?

Are you okay?

What happened?

We-we've gotta get help.

We'll get you help too.

We

Goddamn it, answer me!

Oh my God...

What happened to you?

I found them.

I saved them.

Who, who did you save?

Oh, Jesus Christ!

I can help you!

I can save you!

Let me help you!

What the...

Must save them.

Save them.

Save them all.

I'm not stupid, I'm not stupid.

I'm gonna go home.

I

I think we got it.

I think, I think it's good.

I mean did you,
did you think it worked

or do you think we
should do the end again?

No, I think,
I think I came out fine.

I mean, I don't think
we have to do it again.

- All right but...
- I think it came out fine.

If it sucks,
we're-we're watching it tonight.

If it sucks, we're comin'
right back and we're,

we're shootin' it again tomorrow night.

And I don't, I don't give a
shit how cold it is, okay?

Do you know how cold it is?

You're not, you're not...
- I'm, I-I am freezing.

You're the
one that's half naked.

Fair, fair point, but you know,

that's what, that's what
people want to buy, right?

- Oh, that's true.
- Not the chicks

at the beginning, it's you...

- No, it's true, it's true.
- It's you at the, right.

What's that?

I don't know.