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1
00:00:01,746 --> 00:00:04,747
[upbeat music]
2
00:00:04,749 --> 00:00:11,688
3
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Oh, shit!
4
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[laughing]
5
00:00:18,052 --> 00:00:19,852
Ow, ow.
6
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- Are you okay?
- Here, can you give me a hand?
7
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- Yeah.
- Okay. Oh, gosh.
8
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Ow, okay.
9
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[slow bluesy rock music]
10
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Hi.
11
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[both laugh]
12
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- I'm Sam.
- I'm Samantha.
13
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My friends call me Sam, so...
14
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What a coincidence.
15
00:00:33,936 --> 00:00:35,202
My friends call me Samantha.
16
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Oh!
17
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Sam. Sam!
18
00:00:39,241 --> 00:00:40,707
Tim's stomach is upset,
19
00:00:40,709 --> 00:00:42,342
and he wants you to come rub his belly.
20
00:00:42,343 --> 00:00:45,010
- Why don't you do it?
- He wants you.
21
00:00:45,012 --> 00:00:47,780
Tell him to bring the Vernors.
My guts are going nuts.
22
00:00:47,782 --> 00:00:49,415
And he wants you to bring the Vernors.
23
00:00:49,417 --> 00:00:52,218
- Yeah, I heard him.
- My guts are going nuts!
24
00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:55,187
I've, uh... I've got to go.
25
00:00:55,190 --> 00:00:57,290
My friend can't poop
unless I rub his belly.
26
00:00:59,060 --> 00:01:01,026
I'll be right back if you...
27
00:01:01,028 --> 00:01:03,062
- I think I'm gonna go.
- Okay.
28
00:01:03,064 --> 00:01:05,097
It's probably a no-go, okay.
29
00:01:05,099 --> 00:01:07,733
- Okay.
- Ooh, you're with a lady.
30
00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:09,869
Shut up, Tim.
31
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Next time
32
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When they ask you
33
00:01:12,107 --> 00:01:14,407
Where you're from
34
00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:16,175
You gon' say Detroit city
35
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When we get back
on our feet, yeah
36
00:01:20,315 --> 00:01:21,882
Yeah
37
00:01:21,884 --> 00:01:24,885
[bluesy rock music playing]
38
00:01:24,887 --> 00:01:27,220
39
00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:30,122
So WebMD says I have colitis.
40
00:01:30,125 --> 00:01:31,424
Turns out when I lost all that weight,
41
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I thought I was getting healthier.
42
00:01:32,761 --> 00:01:34,394
I was actually getting sick.
43
00:01:34,396 --> 00:01:38,598
So now I can't have
milk, ice cream, cheese.
44
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:39,766
Can't have yogurt.
45
00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:41,467
- Dairy.
- Yeah, exactly. Dairy.
46
00:01:41,470 --> 00:01:43,803
Can't have it, so Chrissy made me
47
00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:45,971
a dairy-free dinner last night.
48
00:01:45,974 --> 00:01:47,974
It was actually pretty good.
49
00:01:47,976 --> 00:01:49,109
God, I love her.
50
00:01:49,111 --> 00:01:50,510
Honestly, every day I wake up,
51
00:01:50,512 --> 00:01:52,312
I'm so thankful to have her.
52
00:01:52,314 --> 00:01:54,314
When are you gonna settle down, man?
53
00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:57,183
- Can you help us settle a bet?
- Sure.
54
00:01:57,185 --> 00:01:58,651
Excuse me!
55
00:01:58,654 --> 00:02:00,153
We're talking!
56
00:02:00,155 --> 00:02:01,777
Move it along.
57
00:02:02,831 --> 00:02:04,304
Thanks.
58
00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:07,928
Seriously, man, when are
you gonna settle down?
59
00:02:07,930 --> 00:02:09,162
It's amazing.
60
00:02:09,163 --> 00:02:11,463
Yeah, Tim, I do want to meet somebody.
61
00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:13,365
Then what is stopping you?
62
00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:14,633
Hey, I like your shirt.
63
00:02:14,636 --> 00:02:16,136
That color looks great on you.
64
00:02:16,137 --> 00:02:18,204
Oh, so you just interrupt people?
65
00:02:18,207 --> 00:02:21,074
Is that your whole gig,
you interrupt folks?
66
00:02:21,076 --> 00:02:23,801
We don't know who you are.
67
00:02:24,713 --> 00:02:26,046
Later, dude.
68
00:02:28,483 --> 00:02:31,218
Seriously, why are
you not settling down?
69
00:02:31,219 --> 00:02:32,618
Because of you, Tim!
70
00:02:32,621 --> 00:02:35,055
It's impossible to
meet girls around you.
71
00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:37,456
Okay, that's insane.
72
00:02:37,458 --> 00:02:40,797
Oh, yeah, sure. Okay, I'm insane, then.
73
00:02:40,822 --> 00:02:43,401
Suit yourself, man. Giving you advice.
74
00:02:46,602 --> 00:02:48,164
What if he's right?
75
00:02:49,245 --> 00:02:50,537
What if he is insane
76
00:02:50,539 --> 00:02:52,881
and I'm just a figment
of his imagination?
77
00:02:53,642 --> 00:02:55,742
[chuckles] Oh, man.
78
00:02:55,744 --> 00:02:57,077
[stomach growls]
79
00:02:57,079 --> 00:02:58,682
[groans]
80
00:02:59,214 --> 00:03:01,715
Oh, no.
81
00:03:01,717 --> 00:03:03,331
Oh, crap.
82
00:03:03,852 --> 00:03:05,752
Tell Sam the Vernors kicked in.
83
00:03:05,754 --> 00:03:06,920
[yells]
84
00:03:14,362 --> 00:03:16,862
Tim said to tell you the
Vernors started working.
85
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:18,430
Ah, that means he had
to go home and dump.
86
00:03:18,432 --> 00:03:20,032
Everybody knows what that means.
87
00:03:20,034 --> 00:03:22,234
Yeah, grown man can only poop at home.
88
00:03:22,236 --> 00:03:24,336
I can poop anywhere, anytime.
89
00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:26,839
- Okay.
- Yzerman Drive was bananas.
90
00:03:26,841 --> 00:03:28,540
Yeah, well, it's Hockeytown, babe.
91
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:29,708
Sandy, get me a pop.
92
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,076
Make that two pops,
93
00:03:31,079 --> 00:03:33,179
and I'll take some apps and ranch.
94
00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:34,187
Excuse us.
95
00:03:34,212 --> 00:03:35,882
Can we use your stool for our jackets?
96
00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:37,249
Yeah, go nuts.
97
00:03:37,251 --> 00:03:38,550
Oh, remind me.
98
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:39,685
We got to stop at Meijer's
99
00:03:39,688 --> 00:03:41,521
for some crackers and pop.
100
00:03:41,523 --> 00:03:44,557
[The Spinners' "Could it
Be I'm Falling In Love?"]
101
00:03:44,559 --> 00:03:47,560
[smooth R&B music]
102
00:03:47,562 --> 00:03:54,501
103
00:03:57,705 --> 00:03:59,538
Since I met you
104
00:03:59,541 --> 00:04:04,144
I've begun to feel so strange
105
00:04:04,146 --> 00:04:07,647
Every time I speak your name
106
00:04:07,649 --> 00:04:08,982
That's funny
107
00:04:08,984 --> 00:04:11,084
You say that you
108
00:04:11,086 --> 00:04:13,420
Are so helpless too
109
00:04:13,422 --> 00:04:17,257
That you don't know what to do
110
00:04:17,258 --> 00:04:18,957
Hoo
111
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:20,660
Each night I pray
112
00:04:20,662 --> 00:04:24,764
There will never come a day
113
00:04:24,766 --> 00:04:29,602
When you up and
take your love away
114
00:04:29,604 --> 00:04:32,238
Say you feel the same way too
115
00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:33,973
And I wonder what
116
00:04:33,975 --> 00:04:35,241
[music stops abruptly]
117
00:04:35,243 --> 00:04:38,244
[elegant piano music playing]
118
00:04:38,246 --> 00:04:41,948
119
00:04:41,950 --> 00:04:44,384
[both smooching]
120
00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:50,189
What the...
121
00:04:50,191 --> 00:04:52,257
[smooching and moaning]
122
00:04:52,259 --> 00:04:53,992
You can't do that.
123
00:04:53,995 --> 00:05:00,900
124
00:05:14,883 --> 00:05:16,716
[chuckles softly]
125
00:05:16,717 --> 00:05:18,550
[whispering] I'd like
to order him a martini.
126
00:05:18,552 --> 00:05:19,818
Absolutely.
127
00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:23,555
I didn't order that, and
I'm not paying for that.
128
00:05:23,558 --> 00:05:24,958
It's a freaking scam, dude.
129
00:05:24,959 --> 00:05:27,170
Compliments of Councilwoman Gwinnett.
130
00:05:28,764 --> 00:05:29,895
Oh!
131
00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:33,633
Ah.
132
00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:35,401
- Hi there.
- Hey.
133
00:05:35,404 --> 00:05:36,803
[both chuckle]
134
00:05:36,805 --> 00:05:38,405
Uh, thanks for the drink.
135
00:05:38,406 --> 00:05:39,827
Oh, sure.
136
00:05:40,815 --> 00:05:42,114
Are you alone?
137
00:05:42,139 --> 00:05:44,437
Well, not anymore.
138
00:05:45,882 --> 00:05:47,987
I'm looking for a good time.
139
00:05:48,383 --> 00:05:50,916
Well... you found one.
140
00:05:51,052 --> 00:05:52,474
[chuckles]
141
00:05:59,094 --> 00:06:02,095
[upbeat music]
142
00:06:02,097 --> 00:06:03,396
143
00:06:03,397 --> 00:06:08,467
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
144
00:06:11,339 --> 00:06:12,872
[birds chirping]
145
00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:17,443
Hey.
146
00:06:17,445 --> 00:06:20,379
- That was good.
- Yeah.
147
00:06:20,381 --> 00:06:23,182
So... until the next time.
148
00:06:23,185 --> 00:06:26,186
[funky music]
149
00:06:29,871 --> 00:06:31,170
I mean, well, there's got to be
150
00:06:31,172 --> 00:06:32,338
a lot of reasons why she'd leave $300
151
00:06:32,340 --> 00:06:33,639
on my nightstand.
152
00:06:33,641 --> 00:06:35,007
Sure, maybe she broke something
153
00:06:35,009 --> 00:06:36,408
and she wanted to pay for it.
154
00:06:36,707 --> 00:06:38,410
Morning hot dogs for Sam
155
00:06:38,412 --> 00:06:41,747
and hot dogs benedict for my lady.
156
00:06:41,749 --> 00:06:43,249
Thank you, babe.
157
00:06:43,251 --> 00:06:44,750
Well, she did rip my Superman underwear
158
00:06:44,752 --> 00:06:45,751
when she took them off.
159
00:06:45,753 --> 00:06:46,752
Well, there you go.
160
00:06:46,754 --> 00:06:47,786
But if that's true,
161
00:06:47,788 --> 00:06:49,855
she wildly overvalued them.
162
00:06:49,857 --> 00:06:51,857
Not if you account
for sentimental value.
163
00:06:51,859 --> 00:06:53,592
- You loved those.
- I did love those.
164
00:06:53,594 --> 00:06:54,960
- You did.
- Well, that's it.
165
00:06:54,962 --> 00:06:56,662
Both: That's it. We figured it out.
166
00:06:56,664 --> 00:06:57,930
That's easy. That's
actually pretty easy.
167
00:06:57,932 --> 00:06:59,265
That's one of our best mysteries.
168
00:06:59,267 --> 00:07:01,534
No. Sam, she thinks you're a whore.
169
00:07:01,536 --> 00:07:03,169
Chrissy!
170
00:07:03,989 --> 00:07:05,503
Why would she need a prostitute?
171
00:07:05,528 --> 00:07:06,594
She's amazing.
172
00:07:06,596 --> 00:07:07,728
Hold on.
173
00:07:07,730 --> 00:07:09,463
Eliot Spitzer was amazing.
174
00:07:09,465 --> 00:07:11,187
- Is.
- Is.
175
00:07:11,601 --> 00:07:14,435
He looks like Skeletor with the skin on.
176
00:07:14,437 --> 00:07:16,971
Mm-mm-mm!
177
00:07:16,973 --> 00:07:19,006
And he used prostitutes, Sam.
178
00:07:19,008 --> 00:07:20,107
Mm-hmm.
179
00:07:20,109 --> 00:07:21,275
[funky rock music]
180
00:07:21,277 --> 00:07:25,012
If you want to know
181
00:07:25,014 --> 00:07:26,113
[wolf whistle]
182
00:07:26,115 --> 00:07:27,982
Where it all belongs
183
00:07:27,984 --> 00:07:29,016
Ow!
184
00:07:29,018 --> 00:07:29,984
It's magic
185
00:07:29,986 --> 00:07:32,353
Aw, suki, suki!
186
00:07:32,355 --> 00:07:34,788
Oh
187
00:07:34,790 --> 00:07:36,857
188
00:07:36,859 --> 00:07:40,628
If you ever go
189
00:07:40,630 --> 00:07:42,963
Don't be scared
190
00:07:42,965 --> 00:07:45,366
'Cause you know
191
00:07:45,368 --> 00:07:48,769
There's magic
192
00:07:48,771 --> 00:07:52,373
Na-ah, na, na-na
193
00:07:52,375 --> 00:07:54,174
Na-na, na, na
194
00:07:54,176 --> 00:07:56,911
Na-na, na, na, na-na-na
195
00:07:56,913 --> 00:07:58,279
Na, na
196
00:07:58,281 --> 00:08:00,047
Na, na, na
197
00:08:00,049 --> 00:08:02,583
Na, na, na, na
198
00:08:02,585 --> 00:08:04,885
Na-na, na, na, na na-na
199
00:08:04,887 --> 00:08:06,287
Na, na
200
00:08:06,289 --> 00:08:08,188
Na, na, na
201
00:08:08,190 --> 00:08:10,124
Na, na, na, na
202
00:08:10,126 --> 00:08:14,428
Na-na, na, na, na-na-na, na
203
00:08:16,565 --> 00:08:19,300
Oh, my God, you're a
full-on prostitute now.
204
00:08:19,302 --> 00:08:20,601
No, I'm not.
205
00:08:20,603 --> 00:08:22,670
My lady just likes
her baby looking fine,
206
00:08:22,672 --> 00:08:24,271
so she gives me monetary gifts
207
00:08:24,273 --> 00:08:25,506
so I can buy nice things.
208
00:08:25,508 --> 00:08:26,874
Now, where's the remote?
209
00:08:26,876 --> 00:08:28,609
Rachel's giving a press conference,
210
00:08:28,611 --> 00:08:30,711
and she said she's gonna
work my name into her speech.
211
00:08:30,713 --> 00:08:33,013
I would like to assure
the people of Detroit
212
00:08:33,015 --> 00:08:35,082
that I have done no wrong.
213
00:08:35,084 --> 00:08:37,011
And at the Sam time...
214
00:08:37,887 --> 00:08:39,019
Psh, barely.
215
00:08:39,021 --> 00:08:40,791
I'm sorry, at the same time,
216
00:08:40,816 --> 00:08:44,058
I would also like to
apologize to Speaker Roberts
217
00:08:44,060 --> 00:08:46,575
for... calling him a minion.
218
00:08:48,731 --> 00:08:49,964
- [laughter]
- Any questions?
219
00:08:49,966 --> 00:08:51,865
Look at him.
220
00:08:51,867 --> 00:08:54,401
[reporters clamoring] Over here.
221
00:08:54,403 --> 00:08:55,903
Right here, right here, right here.
222
00:08:55,905 --> 00:08:57,438
Councilwoman, I have a question for you.
223
00:08:59,709 --> 00:09:01,175
- Hey.
- Hey, babe. How are you?
224
00:09:01,177 --> 00:09:02,509
I'm good.
225
00:09:02,511 --> 00:09:04,745
How was your day? Anything happen?
226
00:09:04,747 --> 00:09:06,714
You know Cheryl who works
on the line next to me?
227
00:09:06,716 --> 00:09:08,004
Of course.
228
00:09:08,029 --> 00:09:10,152
Turns out she was an undercover boss.
229
00:09:10,598 --> 00:09:11,752
No shit.
230
00:09:11,754 --> 00:09:14,521
Yeah, fake hair, fake nose, everything.
231
00:09:14,523 --> 00:09:16,357
She's, like, the CEO of Chrysler.
232
00:09:16,359 --> 00:09:18,759
- Wow.
- Yeah. How was your day?
233
00:09:18,761 --> 00:09:20,694
Sam's a full-on prostitute now.
234
00:09:20,696 --> 00:09:23,797
Yeah, monochrome suit,
earring, the whole nine yards.
235
00:09:23,799 --> 00:09:25,599
What an idiot.
236
00:09:25,601 --> 00:09:28,369
Such an idiot, getting all dressed up,
237
00:09:28,371 --> 00:09:31,071
having drinks at fancy hotels.
238
00:09:31,073 --> 00:09:33,874
Then going upstairs for
dirty, meaningless sex
239
00:09:33,876 --> 00:09:35,743
with no strings attached.
240
00:09:35,745 --> 00:09:38,445
Monochrome suits, earring,
the whole nine yards.
241
00:09:38,447 --> 00:09:41,509
No names, just sweat and bodies.
242
00:09:42,051 --> 00:09:43,951
- Monochrome suit.
- [scoffs]
243
00:09:43,953 --> 00:09:45,185
What do you want for dinner?
244
00:09:45,187 --> 00:09:46,442
Milk and cheese, please.
245
00:09:46,467 --> 00:09:49,122
- You can't have dairy.
- Pizza.
246
00:09:49,147 --> 00:09:50,657
[both laughing]
247
00:09:50,659 --> 00:09:52,455
[both sigh]
248
00:09:52,795 --> 00:09:54,395
I got you something.
249
00:09:56,332 --> 00:09:58,275
It's a Pandora bracelet.
250
00:09:59,168 --> 00:10:00,567
'Cause, you know,
251
00:10:00,569 --> 00:10:02,136
that's the nature of our relationship.
252
00:10:02,138 --> 00:10:03,934
We both give each
other things, you know.
253
00:10:04,774 --> 00:10:09,243
Yup, this one's a heart, you
know, for obvious reasons.
254
00:10:09,245 --> 00:10:12,312
This one's an owl because
you finished college.
255
00:10:12,314 --> 00:10:15,326
And this one's a soccer
ball because it's rad.
256
00:10:16,285 --> 00:10:17,384
I'm sorry.
257
00:10:17,386 --> 00:10:19,653
Sam, did I misinterpret something?
258
00:10:19,655 --> 00:10:21,043
What do you mean?
259
00:10:22,491 --> 00:10:24,458
[mumbling] Are you a prostitute?
260
00:10:24,460 --> 00:10:25,674
What?
261
00:10:26,062 --> 00:10:27,861
[mumbling] Are you a prostitute?
262
00:10:27,863 --> 00:10:29,140
I'm sorry, one more time.
263
00:10:30,466 --> 00:10:33,100
[whispering] Are you
sure you're a prostitute?
264
00:10:33,102 --> 00:10:34,058
M-me?
265
00:10:36,005 --> 00:10:39,373
Of course I'm a prostitute, all right?
266
00:10:39,930 --> 00:10:40,974
Just checking.
267
00:10:40,976 --> 00:10:42,076
Good.
268
00:10:42,078 --> 00:10:43,544
Good night, Sam,
269
00:10:43,546 --> 00:10:45,883
or whatever your real name is.
270
00:10:46,549 --> 00:10:48,071
It's Sam.
271
00:10:52,855 --> 00:10:54,088
From the lady.
272
00:10:57,526 --> 00:10:59,222
I don't want it.
273
00:11:01,797 --> 00:11:03,263
Hey, wait...
274
00:11:05,568 --> 00:11:07,734
I'm a fricking whore.
275
00:11:09,173 --> 00:11:12,174
[dance music]
276
00:11:12,341 --> 00:11:14,942
277
00:11:14,944 --> 00:11:16,014
Sam.
278
00:11:17,046 --> 00:11:19,179
What is the meaning of this?
279
00:11:19,181 --> 00:11:22,182
"Get satisfied today
by Sam 'The Man' Duvet"?
280
00:11:22,184 --> 00:11:23,984
Tim, she pressed me about really being
281
00:11:23,986 --> 00:11:25,619
a prostitute; I freaked out.
282
00:11:25,621 --> 00:11:27,488
You know, I thought I got
to create a paper trail.
283
00:11:27,490 --> 00:11:28,618
This is offensive.
284
00:11:28,618 --> 00:11:30,949
Tim, I'm not actually a prostitute.
285
00:11:31,528 --> 00:11:34,956
No, I'm offended you didn't
come to me to produce this ad.
286
00:11:34,958 --> 00:11:36,991
I could have done so much with you.
287
00:11:36,993 --> 00:11:38,626
Can't even see your nipples.
288
00:11:38,995 --> 00:11:40,328
How's it doing?
289
00:11:40,329 --> 00:11:41,595
Not bad.
290
00:11:41,597 --> 00:11:43,330
A lot of texts, mostly wang pics.
291
00:11:43,333 --> 00:11:45,032
The real mistake was using
my actual phone number.
292
00:11:45,033 --> 00:11:47,234
- Oh, sure, yeah.
- [cell phone chimes]
293
00:11:47,236 --> 00:11:48,802
Oh, come on.
294
00:11:50,167 --> 00:11:51,299
Oh!
295
00:11:52,908 --> 00:11:55,542
Tim, you think this is all worth it?
296
00:11:55,545 --> 00:11:57,011
Do you think she really likes me?
297
00:11:57,012 --> 00:11:58,262
No, man.
298
00:11:58,262 --> 00:12:00,262
I think she thinks you're
a fricking prostitute.
299
00:12:00,264 --> 00:12:03,532
Yeah, but I really, really like her,
300
00:12:03,534 --> 00:12:05,801
and, you know, maybe if I
keep this up long enough,
301
00:12:05,803 --> 00:12:08,170
she'll discover that she
really, really likes me too.
302
00:12:08,172 --> 00:12:09,373
[chuckles]
303
00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:11,674
Like in "She's All That"?
304
00:12:11,676 --> 00:12:13,609
Exactly like in "She's All That."
305
00:12:15,313 --> 00:12:17,179
I have a delivery from
Councilwoman Gwinnett
306
00:12:17,181 --> 00:12:18,881
for Sam Duvet?
307
00:12:18,883 --> 00:12:20,482
Councilwoman Gwinnett
would like to see you
308
00:12:20,484 --> 00:12:21,684
at the charity event tonight
309
00:12:21,686 --> 00:12:23,218
at the Detroit Institute of Arts.
310
00:12:23,220 --> 00:12:24,453
She'd like you to wear this.
311
00:12:24,455 --> 00:12:27,489
[soft guitar music]
312
00:12:27,491 --> 00:12:29,058
313
00:12:29,060 --> 00:12:31,393
Tim, a tuxedo,
314
00:12:31,395 --> 00:12:33,762
a charity event, a museum?
315
00:12:33,764 --> 00:12:35,030
Mm.
316
00:12:35,032 --> 00:12:36,701
Tim, tonight might be the night.
317
00:12:37,401 --> 00:12:39,168
You did it.
318
00:12:39,170 --> 00:12:40,703
You "She's All That'd" her.
319
00:12:40,705 --> 00:12:41,637
I sure did.
320
00:12:45,619 --> 00:12:48,620
[lounge music playing]
321
00:12:48,622 --> 00:12:54,860
322
00:12:54,862 --> 00:12:57,095
[indistinct chatter]
323
00:13:06,006 --> 00:13:07,472
Change in plans.
324
00:13:07,474 --> 00:13:08,974
I need you to get out of here.
325
00:13:08,976 --> 00:13:09,942
- Get out of here?
- Yes.
326
00:13:09,944 --> 00:13:11,076
And who is that?
327
00:13:11,078 --> 00:13:12,711
Is that another pro?
328
00:13:12,713 --> 00:13:14,346
Does he have an ad in the paper?
329
00:13:14,348 --> 00:13:15,580
Because I do.
330
00:13:15,582 --> 00:13:17,616
That's my husband.
331
00:13:17,618 --> 00:13:18,917
- Husband?
- Yes.
332
00:13:18,919 --> 00:13:20,282
You're married?
333
00:13:20,721 --> 00:13:22,527
Sam, would you keep your voice down?
334
00:13:22,552 --> 00:13:24,823
I will not keep my voice down!
335
00:13:24,825 --> 00:13:26,625
Okay, Sam, you need to pull it together.
336
00:13:26,627 --> 00:13:27,926
I mean, what am I to you?
337
00:13:27,928 --> 00:13:29,861
A man that I pay for sex.
338
00:13:29,863 --> 00:13:31,463
Yeah, but when we met,
339
00:13:31,465 --> 00:13:32,844
didn't you feel a connection?
340
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,000
No, not really.
341
00:13:35,002 --> 00:13:36,635
You were at the Jefferson Hotel.
342
00:13:36,637 --> 00:13:38,003
You were holding a single rose.
343
00:13:38,005 --> 00:13:39,371
That's the signal for a honey boy
344
00:13:39,373 --> 00:13:40,739
open for business.
345
00:13:40,741 --> 00:13:42,941
So that's all I am to you, huh?
346
00:13:42,943 --> 00:13:44,843
Just some honey boy, huh?
347
00:13:44,845 --> 00:13:46,244
[loudly, voice echoing] That's all I am,
348
00:13:46,246 --> 00:13:49,047
just some big dick for money, huh?
349
00:13:49,049 --> 00:13:50,248
Is that it?
350
00:13:50,250 --> 00:13:53,485
Just a veiny wang with a knot at the end
351
00:13:53,487 --> 00:13:55,620
and two huge, pendulum balls?
352
00:13:55,622 --> 00:13:57,723
Is that all I am, huh?
353
00:13:57,725 --> 00:14:00,759
Yeah, just a guy with a
Joe Louis fist in his pants
354
00:14:00,761 --> 00:14:03,628
and a freshly bleached
butthole you could eat off of?
355
00:14:03,630 --> 00:14:04,963
Mwah! Mama mia.
356
00:14:04,965 --> 00:14:06,365
Is that it?
357
00:14:06,367 --> 00:14:08,100
Well, Rachel, this huge,
358
00:14:08,102 --> 00:14:10,702
honking pecker is attached to a body,
359
00:14:10,704 --> 00:14:12,738
and that body has a heart
360
00:14:12,740 --> 00:14:15,923
and a soul and a brain
361
00:14:16,710 --> 00:14:22,314
and arms, feet, neck,
362
00:14:22,316 --> 00:14:23,815
and... and... and... and... and...
363
00:14:23,817 --> 00:14:24,916
- Sam.
- Yeah, I know.
364
00:14:24,918 --> 00:14:26,785
I lost the thread there.
365
00:14:26,787 --> 00:14:28,053
What was I s...
366
00:14:28,055 --> 00:14:30,088
And just a huge pecker!
367
00:14:30,090 --> 00:14:33,058
[slow R&B music playing]
368
00:14:33,060 --> 00:14:39,331
369
00:14:39,333 --> 00:14:40,866
From the lady.
370
00:14:42,403 --> 00:14:49,341
371
00:14:53,981 --> 00:14:55,721
Thanks for the drink.
372
00:14:56,150 --> 00:14:58,226
I'm looking for a date tonight.
373
00:14:58,652 --> 00:14:59,951
That's gonna cost you.
374
00:14:59,953 --> 00:15:01,486
[chuckles]
375
00:15:01,488 --> 00:15:03,126
How much?
376
00:15:04,992 --> 00:15:07,357
$1 million.
377
00:15:07,928 --> 00:15:09,861
A million dollars?
378
00:15:10,081 --> 00:15:11,799
Worth every penny.
379
00:15:12,666 --> 00:15:14,032
No, thanks.
380
00:15:14,034 --> 00:15:15,967
What do you mean, "No, thanks"?
381
00:15:15,969 --> 00:15:17,602
We're pretending. What's it matter?
382
00:15:17,604 --> 00:15:18,870
A million dollars?
383
00:15:18,872 --> 00:15:20,038
It's pretend money.
384
00:15:23,143 --> 00:15:24,210
Okay,
385
00:15:25,179 --> 00:15:27,325
what does a million dollars get me?
386
00:15:27,350 --> 00:15:29,091
[chuckles]
387
00:15:30,984 --> 00:15:34,019
Salad tossing, to completion.
388
00:15:34,733 --> 00:15:36,688
[laughs]
389
00:15:36,690 --> 00:15:38,356
$500,000.
390
00:15:38,358 --> 00:15:39,413
Ooh!
391
00:15:40,327 --> 00:15:43,146
Fine, I'll do it,
392
00:15:43,530 --> 00:15:45,879
but my pimp's gonna kill me.
393
00:15:46,667 --> 00:15:48,233
Say, pretty boy,
394
00:15:48,235 --> 00:15:49,787
what's your name?
395
00:15:52,506 --> 00:15:54,579
Sam Duvet.
396
00:15:55,175 --> 00:15:57,742
Ugh, Tim, that's nasty.
397
00:15:57,744 --> 00:15:59,010
You could pick any name in the world,
398
00:15:59,012 --> 00:16:00,879
and you pick my brother's?
399
00:16:00,881 --> 00:16:02,270
My name is...
400
00:16:03,283 --> 00:16:05,495
Chrissy Cramblin.
401
00:16:06,086 --> 00:16:07,853
That's my name.
402
00:16:07,855 --> 00:16:09,863
I'm not good at making up names.
403
00:16:10,557 --> 00:16:12,724
- Just come on.
- My name?
404
00:16:12,726 --> 00:16:14,593
Bubba Sparxxx.
405
00:16:14,595 --> 00:16:17,596
[slow rock music playing]
406
00:16:17,598 --> 00:16:24,536
407
00:16:28,942 --> 00:16:32,110
Hey, pal. You all right?
408
00:16:32,112 --> 00:16:33,411
I don't want to talk about it.
409
00:16:33,413 --> 00:16:34,880
Scandal rocks local government
410
00:16:34,882 --> 00:16:36,848
as Councilwoman Rachel Gwinnett
411
00:16:36,850 --> 00:16:38,583
was caught using city funds
412
00:16:38,585 --> 00:16:41,820
to buy the services of
a local male prostitute.
413
00:16:41,822 --> 00:16:43,889
Oh, no. My parents are gonna see this.
414
00:16:43,891 --> 00:16:45,590
Don't worry. They won't know it's you.
415
00:16:45,592 --> 00:16:48,126
The honey boy in question,
Sam "The Man" Duvet,
416
00:16:48,128 --> 00:16:50,095
was confirmed to be a prostitute
417
00:16:50,097 --> 00:16:52,882
thanks to the following unreleased ad.
418
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:54,699
Are you a party girl?
419
00:16:54,701 --> 00:16:56,001
I can dance all night, baby.
420
00:16:56,003 --> 00:16:57,102
[dance music]
421
00:16:57,104 --> 00:16:59,070
Touching.
422
00:16:59,072 --> 00:17:00,772
Licking.
423
00:17:00,774 --> 00:17:02,240
Butts.
424
00:17:02,242 --> 00:17:03,942
[yells]
425
00:17:03,944 --> 00:17:06,257
426
00:17:06,282 --> 00:17:08,057
Orgasmic.
427
00:17:09,216 --> 00:17:10,910
Well, how'd they get that?
428
00:17:11,818 --> 00:17:13,418
I sent it in.
429
00:17:13,420 --> 00:17:15,220
It's the best thing
we've ever done, Sam.
430
00:17:15,222 --> 00:17:16,988
We now go live
431
00:17:16,990 --> 00:17:19,057
to Councilwoman Gwinnett's
press conference.
432
00:17:19,059 --> 00:17:23,461
Once again, I apologize
to the city of Detroit.
433
00:17:23,463 --> 00:17:24,996
I've let you down.
434
00:17:24,998 --> 00:17:26,431
I should have never consorted
435
00:17:26,433 --> 00:17:28,300
with that bimbo.
436
00:17:28,302 --> 00:17:31,069
And the worst thing is,
he wasn't all that good.
437
00:17:31,071 --> 00:17:32,771
Oh, well, she's lying about that.
438
00:17:32,773 --> 00:17:34,606
- Sure, I know.
- He wasn't all that good.
439
00:17:34,608 --> 00:17:37,503
And he had an aggressively medium wang.
440
00:17:37,878 --> 00:17:40,612
She's lying! She's a liar.
441
00:17:40,614 --> 00:17:42,180
Next up, Red Wings fans
442
00:17:42,182 --> 00:17:44,282
have something to cheer about,
443
00:17:44,284 --> 00:17:46,618
as they recover two
frozen bodies from the ice.
444
00:17:48,158 --> 00:17:50,291
See those girls playing pool?
445
00:17:50,293 --> 00:17:52,394
One of them was looking at you.
446
00:17:52,396 --> 00:17:54,662
Come on, I'll introduce you.
447
00:17:54,664 --> 00:17:57,132
- No way.
- Oh, don't be nervous.
448
00:17:57,134 --> 00:18:00,216
I'm not nervous, Tim. You're
just a terrible wingman.
449
00:18:00,835 --> 00:18:03,014
Fine, I'll just stay here.
450
00:18:03,039 --> 00:18:04,372
You go on over there.
451
00:18:04,374 --> 00:18:06,841
I'm just some guy at the bar
452
00:18:06,843 --> 00:18:10,278
who doesn't even know
you, doesn't love you.
453
00:18:11,148 --> 00:18:12,180
Go on, buddy.
454
00:18:12,182 --> 00:18:14,449
- Thanks, buddy.
- Yeah.
455
00:18:14,451 --> 00:18:17,385
[slow bluesy rock music]
456
00:18:17,941 --> 00:18:19,254
I got next.
457
00:18:19,256 --> 00:18:21,156
Well, that means you'll be playing me.
458
00:18:21,158 --> 00:18:23,143
- Oh, does it?
- Mm-hmm.
459
00:18:23,168 --> 00:18:25,126
- I'm Sam.
- Vickie. Nice to meet you.
460
00:18:25,128 --> 00:18:27,147
- Nice to meet you.
- Sorry, ladies.
461
00:18:27,172 --> 00:18:30,275
- Don't.
- I don't know this guy.
462
00:18:30,509 --> 00:18:31,566
But I want to say...
463
00:18:31,568 --> 00:18:32,700
Why would you touch me?
464
00:18:32,702 --> 00:18:34,402
He seems like a great guy,
465
00:18:34,404 --> 00:18:35,670
the kind of guy you'd be proud
466
00:18:35,672 --> 00:18:37,457
to bring home to your parents.
467
00:18:38,384 --> 00:18:40,642
Just thought I'd drop by and say that.
468
00:18:41,292 --> 00:18:42,410
I'll get out of your way.
469
00:18:44,481 --> 00:18:45,580
470
00:18:45,582 --> 00:18:46,815
[both laugh]
471
00:18:46,817 --> 00:18:48,894
- That was weird.
- Right?
472
00:18:49,203 --> 00:18:50,418
Well, he's not wrong.
473
00:18:50,420 --> 00:18:52,020
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
474
00:18:52,022 --> 00:18:53,021
Mm!
475
00:18:53,023 --> 00:18:54,622
So you playing eight ball?
476
00:18:54,624 --> 00:18:56,542
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
477
00:18:56,659 --> 00:18:58,159
I just realized that last interaction
478
00:18:58,161 --> 00:19:00,639
may have come across a little weird.
479
00:19:00,972 --> 00:19:02,964
That's because I forgot
to introduce myself.
480
00:19:02,966 --> 00:19:05,567
My name's Mike Cyclops. I work for NASA.
481
00:19:05,569 --> 00:19:07,602
- NASA?
- And let me just tell you,
482
00:19:07,604 --> 00:19:10,405
there is a lot they're
not telling you, man.
483
00:19:10,407 --> 00:19:11,840
Trust me.
484
00:19:12,282 --> 00:19:15,016
I worked security at Area 51.
485
00:19:15,041 --> 00:19:17,946
Got kicked out for
banging one of the aliens.
486
00:19:18,322 --> 00:19:20,042
She was hot too.
487
00:19:20,795 --> 00:19:24,886
She, he, it... It had everything,
488
00:19:25,241 --> 00:19:27,021
and I love that.
489
00:19:27,023 --> 00:19:30,725
Oh, God, I miss her. I really do.
490
00:19:32,362 --> 00:19:35,530
491
00:19:35,532 --> 00:19:38,766
Uh... [laughs]
492
00:19:39,330 --> 00:19:40,769
Uh, so what...
493
00:19:40,770 --> 00:19:43,134
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, for [bleep]...
494
00:19:43,197 --> 00:19:45,166
I lied. I do know him.
495
00:19:45,166 --> 00:19:47,580
I was his Uber driver.
496
00:19:48,035 --> 00:19:50,236
I just wanted to come over here
497
00:19:50,238 --> 00:19:51,971
and tell you that, in case you felt
498
00:19:51,973 --> 00:19:54,974
that there was an undeniable
preexisting chemistry.
499
00:19:54,976 --> 00:19:56,842
Yeah, I'm an Uber driver.
500
00:19:56,844 --> 00:19:58,911
It's actually pretty fun. It can be fun.
501
00:19:58,912 --> 00:20:02,080
Yeah, all right. Yeah, great.
502
00:20:02,083 --> 00:20:04,950
503
00:20:04,951 --> 00:20:07,619
- So...
- Two fricking stars?
504
00:20:07,622 --> 00:20:08,954
Are you kidding me?
505
00:20:08,956 --> 00:20:10,923
After you farted in my car?
506
00:20:10,924 --> 00:20:12,323
Tim!
507
00:20:12,325 --> 00:20:13,691
Didn't even roll down the window.
508
00:20:13,693 --> 00:20:15,460
- Ew!
- Tim, why are you doing this?
509
00:20:15,462 --> 00:20:16,461
I don't know.
510
00:20:16,464 --> 00:20:17,630
I think, deep down,
511
00:20:17,632 --> 00:20:19,198
I want to sabotage your relationships
512
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:21,300
so I can have you all to myself.
513
00:20:21,302 --> 00:20:22,935
He's a piece of shit.
514
00:20:25,639 --> 00:20:27,100
Uh...
515
00:20:27,809 --> 00:20:30,276
So, uh, Veronica...
516
00:20:30,277 --> 00:20:31,376
- Vickie.
- Vickie.
517
00:20:31,378 --> 00:20:33,444
- Whatever.
- Vickie, yeah.
518
00:20:33,447 --> 00:20:36,315
I couldn't help but notice
you were watching me,
519
00:20:36,317 --> 00:20:38,450
checking me out from over at the bar.
520
00:20:38,451 --> 00:20:41,370
Yeah, you're that prostitute
from the news, right?
521
00:20:41,402 --> 00:20:45,837
[laughing]
522
00:20:49,743 --> 00:20:51,543
I was never really a prostitute.
523
00:20:51,545 --> 00:20:52,878
Let's make that clear.
524
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:55,414
She just paid me for sex.
525
00:20:55,416 --> 00:20:57,349
[yells]
526
00:20:57,373 --> 00:21:00,085
Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com
527
00:21:00,135 --> 00:21:04,685
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