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1
00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:20,969
Dads is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
2
00:00:20,970 --> 00:00:24,604
Hey, uh, do you know any
good place to get Thai food?
3
00:00:27,349 --> 00:00:30,810
I said, "Can you recommend
a good Thai restaurant?"
4
00:00:31,788 --> 00:00:35,015
- And you're asking me.
- Yeah. Obviously.
5
00:00:36,081 --> 00:00:37,714
Why me?
6
00:00:37,923 --> 00:00:41,239
Because you have a cousin
named Wai Mi.
7
00:00:41,857 --> 00:00:46,855
- Warner, Eli's being racist.
- Eli, stop being racist.
8
00:00:47,408 --> 00:00:51,311
Veronica won't give me
Thai restaurant recommendations.
9
00:00:51,312 --> 00:00:54,749
Veronica, give Eli
Thai restaurant recommendations.
10
00:00:54,750 --> 00:00:57,600
But I don't eat Thai.
Everything tastes like spicy pets.
11
00:01:07,293 --> 00:01:09,729
Now you're being racist.
12
00:01:09,796 --> 00:01:12,564
You're not racist if you're
making fun of your own race.
13
00:01:12,632 --> 00:01:16,701
Hey, hey. Let's just leave what's racist
up to the white media, okay?
14
00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:23,474
Daddy took me to the zoo
15
00:01:23,542 --> 00:01:25,510
Na, na, na, na
16
00:01:25,577 --> 00:01:29,513
Just to see
something brand-new
17
00:01:29,514 --> 00:01:31,227
Na, na, na
18
00:01:31,228 --> 00:01:35,397
So many stars up in the sky
19
00:01:35,887 --> 00:01:40,457
So many questions have I
20
00:01:40,458 --> 00:01:42,350
Na, na, na, na
21
00:01:42,351 --> 00:01:44,885
Daddy took me for a ride.
22
00:01:45,144 --> 00:01:48,144
Synced by err0001 & Reef
www.addic7ed.com
23
00:01:48,398 --> 00:01:52,260
Dad, I just bought this conditioner
yesterday. How did you already use it all?
24
00:01:52,284 --> 00:01:55,743
Don't ask questions you don't want
to hear the answer to.
25
00:01:59,415 --> 00:02:01,482
Did you eat the last
of the cereal?
26
00:02:01,878 --> 00:02:04,680
And the last of the eggs?
27
00:02:04,747 --> 00:02:08,550
I lost a lot of protein
in the shower.
28
00:02:12,221 --> 00:02:15,891
How you drink so much coffee
then snore all day?
29
00:02:15,958 --> 00:02:19,493
- I don't snore.
- S?, you snore.
30
00:02:19,561 --> 00:02:22,663
You tilt your big fat head back,
31
00:02:22,731 --> 00:02:25,199
open big fat mouth
32
00:02:25,266 --> 00:02:30,437
and make sound
like big fat Jewish donkey.
33
00:02:37,441 --> 00:02:41,470
You're on the phone all day,
yakkata bappita, cinco de cinco.
34
00:02:41,471 --> 00:02:43,630
What do you even talk about?
35
00:02:43,884 --> 00:02:46,038
"I'm vacuuming.
What are you doing?"
36
00:02:46,039 --> 00:02:47,987
"Vacuuming."
37
00:02:48,289 --> 00:02:50,693
You make that up.
38
00:02:50,694 --> 00:02:53,262
This is the worst episode
of Crossfire ever.
39
00:02:53,940 --> 00:02:58,697
Listen, Dad, from now on, no more
eating my food without my permission.
40
00:03:01,643 --> 00:03:03,778
What are you doing?
41
00:03:03,779 --> 00:03:07,440
Oh, if you want something, you can just
come down to my office and ask for it.
42
00:03:07,579 --> 00:03:11,216
You can't lock the fridge.
I need food to live.
43
00:03:11,702 --> 00:03:13,713
I know.
44
00:03:20,074 --> 00:03:22,405
This not a good time.
45
00:03:26,875 --> 00:03:28,343
Vacuuming.
46
00:03:38,969 --> 00:03:41,036
- Dad, wake up!
- Ah!
47
00:03:41,104 --> 00:03:44,246
You almost set yourself
on fire, Crawford.
48
00:03:44,309 --> 00:03:48,812
Well, never mind that. I just
dreamed a million dollar idea.
49
00:03:48,813 --> 00:03:50,055
- Really?
- Yeah.
50
00:03:50,056 --> 00:03:51,924
You know how so many
of our parents are dead?
51
00:03:51,925 --> 00:03:53,985
Oh, cha-ching.
52
00:03:54,448 --> 00:03:57,191
Okay, what if there was
a service where you could call
53
00:03:57,192 --> 00:04:00,520
and have two people who look
vaguely like your dead parents
54
00:04:00,587 --> 00:04:02,388
come over and hang out?
55
00:04:04,124 --> 00:04:06,692
Just imagine, uh, the thrill
o-of playing catch
56
00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:10,367
with a-a stranger who,
if you take your glasses off,
57
00:04:10,368 --> 00:04:12,664
could be your dad.
58
00:04:12,732 --> 00:04:15,492
Would he come and fall asleep on
the couch with a lit cigar in his mouth
59
00:04:15,507 --> 00:04:17,986
- ...like you just did?
- I'm sorry, Smokey the Bear.
60
00:04:17,987 --> 00:04:20,238
That's how I do
my best thinking.
61
00:04:20,306 --> 00:04:24,409
Okay, what if the cigar caught the couch
on fire and the flames hit the scotch?
62
00:04:24,476 --> 00:04:26,677
What am I, a scientist?
63
00:04:26,745 --> 00:04:30,369
Okay. If you fall asleep just one more
time with a lit cigar in your mouth,
64
00:04:30,370 --> 00:04:34,780
I will take bug spray and a lighter and
I will set you on fire myself. Okay?
65
00:04:34,781 --> 00:04:35,886
I'm gonna do it.
66
00:04:35,887 --> 00:04:40,263
Well, it sounds like you might soon
be in the market for a look-alike dad.
67
00:04:40,991 --> 00:04:43,593
Dad, this just says "Business."
68
00:04:43,661 --> 00:04:46,930
Yeah. It's from a board game.
The others say "Pleasure" and "Sex."
69
00:04:59,081 --> 00:05:00,533
Hey.
70
00:05:00,844 --> 00:05:04,827
Those are the carnitas that
Edna made special for me.
71
00:05:05,482 --> 00:05:08,951
You don't want something eaten,
don't leave it in the fridge.
72
00:05:10,620 --> 00:05:12,785
But... h...
How did you...
73
00:05:12,811 --> 00:05:16,569
They haven't made the refrigerator
I can't break food out of.
74
00:05:17,727 --> 00:05:22,429
By the way, I refilled the ice tray.
You're welcome.
75
00:05:24,299 --> 00:05:27,167
Dad, there was a clean towel in here
when I left this morning.
76
00:05:27,235 --> 00:05:31,237
You mean this one? Sorry,
I'm saving it for my shower.
77
00:05:31,238 --> 00:05:33,522
No, no. I gave you towels.
78
00:05:33,523 --> 00:05:35,350
Whenever you use mine,
they wind up looking
79
00:05:35,371 --> 00:05:37,527
like they're from
a World War I hospital.
80
00:05:37,953 --> 00:05:41,756
I don't even know what
bodily fluids are those colors.
81
00:05:43,484 --> 00:05:47,119
It's the black blood
from my toes.
82
00:05:48,257 --> 00:05:51,493
You should be getting that
in about six years.
83
00:05:51,958 --> 00:05:53,458
Give me the towel, Dad.
It's mine.
84
00:05:53,459 --> 00:05:56,829
I'll only use one side.
The rest is all yours.
85
00:05:56,897 --> 00:05:59,431
Both sides are mine.
86
00:05:59,499 --> 00:06:01,298
Give me the towel.
87
00:06:01,366 --> 00:06:03,300
Edna! Stop him before he gets
to the bathroom!
88
00:06:03,368 --> 00:06:05,436
Copy that, boss!
89
00:06:12,711 --> 00:06:14,767
I don't want to kill you,
Edna, but I will.
90
00:06:14,779 --> 00:06:17,213
Edna laughs at death.
91
00:06:19,643 --> 00:06:22,091
Nice work, Edna. Thank you.
Give me the towel, Dad.
92
00:06:22,092 --> 00:06:23,512
- No. No. No.
- You give me that towel, Dad.
93
00:06:23,513 --> 00:06:25,113
Give me the towel.
94
00:06:25,189 --> 00:06:26,456
Fine!
95
00:06:26,524 --> 00:06:29,693
Ooh, my head!
96
00:06:29,761 --> 00:06:31,227
Dad, are you okay?
97
00:06:31,295 --> 00:06:34,229
Ooh. He need towel.
98
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,767
Hey, come on.
99
00:06:42,768 --> 00:06:46,871
I can't believe the emergency room
took all those other people before me.
100
00:06:46,900 --> 00:06:49,752
Dad, a cable car
tipped over.
101
00:06:50,262 --> 00:06:52,773
People lost limbs.
You got two stitches.
102
00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:55,948
Still, I signed in first.
103
00:06:58,708 --> 00:07:00,805
- Hey, I got your text.
- Hey.
104
00:07:00,806 --> 00:07:02,308
David, how are you feeling?
105
00:07:02,309 --> 00:07:05,648
I feel like "shut up
and give me my painkillers."
106
00:07:06,311 --> 00:07:08,690
Here, here. My goodness.
107
00:07:08,691 --> 00:07:11,904
- Here, David, wash it down with this.
- Uh, no.
108
00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:13,455
No, no, no. No, no, Dad.
109
00:07:13,469 --> 00:07:15,697
You're not supposed to
drink alcohol with... Okay.
110
00:07:17,330 --> 00:07:20,966
Now, I find if you do everything
the prescription label says not to,
111
00:07:21,034 --> 00:07:23,035
it works better.
112
00:07:23,756 --> 00:07:26,370
Double the "don't" s,
triple the buzz.
113
00:07:32,193 --> 00:07:34,795
- Eli Sachs?
- Yes.
114
00:07:34,796 --> 00:07:38,283
- I'm Special Officer Silverton.
- Immigration!
115
00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:58,735
Won't you please come in?
116
00:07:59,511 --> 00:08:01,613
Um, I'm sorry,
Officer Silverton.
117
00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:03,047
It's just a little chaotic.
118
00:08:03,115 --> 00:08:05,116
My dad bumped his head;
we spent the night in the E.R.
119
00:08:05,183 --> 00:08:06,383
I know.
120
00:08:06,418 --> 00:08:08,586
When there's an injury involving
an elderly parent,
121
00:08:08,654 --> 00:08:11,922
we're automatically
sent to investigate.
122
00:08:14,173 --> 00:08:16,241
Ma'am.
123
00:08:24,269 --> 00:08:26,737
You'd be surprised
how many children
124
00:08:26,804 --> 00:08:29,204
are driven
to commit acts of violence
125
00:08:29,273 --> 00:08:31,240
against their elderly parents.
126
00:08:31,308 --> 00:08:32,675
What? You think that I did this?
127
00:08:32,743 --> 00:08:34,443
Oh, my gosh, believe me,
128
00:08:34,444 --> 00:08:37,112
if I had wanted to hurt my dad,
he wouldn't even have a head.
129
00:08:37,113 --> 00:08:39,394
Right? Like...
130
00:08:42,619 --> 00:08:46,554
Well, I'm glad I didn't mention that
anything you say can be used against you.
131
00:08:46,622 --> 00:08:49,624
Because now I'm going
to use that against you.
132
00:08:49,692 --> 00:08:52,560
Whoa, whoa, hey,
133
00:08:52,561 --> 00:08:55,363
you're not going to find
a more caring son than Eli here.
134
00:08:55,364 --> 00:08:56,871
- Thank you, buddy. I appreciate that.
- Yeah.
135
00:08:56,872 --> 00:08:59,523
- Who chained the refrigerator shut?
- Eli!
136
00:08:59,615 --> 00:09:04,471
But, uh, in his defense, his dad
ate all of his eggs and he was...
137
00:09:04,472 --> 00:09:06,574
- Going to cut his head off?
- Yeah. No.
138
00:09:06,575 --> 00:09:10,112
- No, no...
- No! No, I would never do that.
139
00:09:10,113 --> 00:09:11,335
Dad, tell him.
140
00:09:11,336 --> 00:09:14,809
Man, that whisky pushed my
painkillers into high gear.
141
00:09:15,850 --> 00:09:20,252
You allowed your father
to take narcotics with alcohol?
142
00:09:20,321 --> 00:09:24,738
Oh, come on, what's the big deal?
My son does that all the time.
143
00:09:25,974 --> 00:09:29,542
He says it's easier to have me
unconscious and out of his hair.
144
00:09:33,679 --> 00:09:36,294
That's crazy.
I love you in my hair.
145
00:09:39,505 --> 00:09:40,939
Yeah, I wish his wife did.
146
00:09:41,006 --> 00:09:45,886
She wants to make a flamethrower
out of bug spray and set me on fire.
147
00:09:47,714 --> 00:09:49,880
Okay, that's a threat
of bodily harm.
148
00:09:49,948 --> 00:09:53,451
By law, I have to remove you
from the premises.
149
00:09:53,518 --> 00:09:55,553
What, like, we're
under arrest?
150
00:09:55,620 --> 00:10:00,290
No, I need to remove your fathers
and relocate them to a safe place.
151
00:10:00,795 --> 00:10:04,197
Wait, so-so we-we get
to stay here?
152
00:10:04,198 --> 00:10:07,296
Uh, actually,
I don't care what you do.
153
00:10:07,365 --> 00:10:11,634
My job description is not
"Scumbag party planner".
154
00:10:13,637 --> 00:10:16,906
Will we get new identities?
I've always wanted to be "Nick".
155
00:10:22,677 --> 00:10:24,291
- Well, if he says it's safe...
- Well, if you have to.
156
00:10:24,292 --> 00:10:25,947
- I mean, laws are laws.
- Yeah.
157
00:10:26,015 --> 00:10:27,282
- Take them away.
- Yes.
158
00:10:27,350 --> 00:10:28,784
- Did that just actually happen?
- I mean...
159
00:10:28,852 --> 00:10:30,118
Oh, my God!
160
00:10:36,688 --> 00:10:39,229
- Let's hang out, man, yeah.
- Watch a movie or something.
161
00:10:39,246 --> 00:10:41,682
Edna, why are you hiding?
162
00:10:41,791 --> 00:10:45,661
Eli, there is a chance
I may not be legal.
163
00:10:48,036 --> 00:10:50,122
Wh-What kind of chance?
164
00:10:50,338 --> 00:10:52,273
100%.
165
00:10:56,577 --> 00:11:00,214
This is crazy. You just let them
take your dads away?
166
00:11:00,282 --> 00:11:04,484
No, no, no, we did everything we could.
We said "Hey"...
167
00:11:05,827 --> 00:11:07,227
...And stuff like that.
168
00:11:07,397 --> 00:11:08,855
You don't even know
where they took them.
169
00:11:08,856 --> 00:11:10,790
Sure we do, away.
170
00:11:12,286 --> 00:11:14,187
Yeah, so don't tell us
we don't care.
171
00:11:14,188 --> 00:11:15,789
Warner, he's your father.
172
00:11:15,790 --> 00:11:17,625
Oh, don't get all
"he's your father" on me.
173
00:11:17,626 --> 00:11:19,414
You're the one who threatened
to set him on fire.
174
00:11:19,415 --> 00:11:21,301
You pushed this
into felony territory.
175
00:11:21,946 --> 00:11:24,770
Hey, hey. This isn't about
whose fault it is, okay?
176
00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:26,504
We all know
whose fault it is.
177
00:11:28,819 --> 00:11:31,843
It's about just once
not hearing my dad's theory
178
00:11:31,844 --> 00:11:34,436
that Sully Sullenberger
crashed his plane on purpose.
179
00:11:35,548 --> 00:11:39,726
Yeah, or my dad's theory that John F.
Kennedy actually committed suicide.
180
00:11:40,838 --> 00:11:45,349
I just... I don't understand how you
guys are not out looking your dads.
181
00:11:45,350 --> 00:11:47,406
I mean, our cat was missing
for half an hour
182
00:11:47,407 --> 00:11:49,260
and you were all over town
looking for it.
183
00:11:49,261 --> 00:11:51,696
Honey, Bootsy was like family.
184
00:11:52,097 --> 00:11:55,366
Wait a minute.
Bootsy ran away?
185
00:11:57,429 --> 00:12:00,902
But you told me that she went
to live with a rich lady in a castle.
186
00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:04,880
- It's okay, Eli.
- Don't touch me.
187
00:12:09,255 --> 00:12:13,682
Oh, my gosh. What a beautiful
dad-free morning.
188
00:12:13,850 --> 00:12:17,259
Oh, it was so nice not
to wake up at 5:30 a.m.
189
00:12:17,260 --> 00:12:20,162
with a blast of I Love Lucy,
followed by someone yelling,
190
00:12:20,163 --> 00:12:22,665
"Women aren't funny!"
191
00:12:23,126 --> 00:12:26,595
It's so great not coming home
to a 68-year-old man
192
00:12:26,662 --> 00:12:28,576
stuck in your doggy door.
193
00:12:28,577 --> 00:12:32,000
Wait... so your dads are just
gone and you guys don't care?
194
00:12:32,001 --> 00:12:33,033
Oh, no, no, no, no.
195
00:12:33,034 --> 00:12:35,116
We'll clear all this up and get 'em
back in a couple of weeks,
196
00:12:35,117 --> 00:12:37,600
or however long it takes
to fill out the one-page form.
197
00:12:37,601 --> 00:12:39,780
- Right, yeah.
- Well, don't wait too long.
198
00:12:39,781 --> 00:12:41,486
Elder foster care is crazy.
199
00:12:41,487 --> 00:12:44,622
I saw this thing on the news where they
drugged them and fed them dog food.
200
00:12:44,623 --> 00:12:47,257
Hey, some of that dog food
on TV looks pretty good.
201
00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:49,438
Like that one with
the real chunks of sirloin.
202
00:12:50,089 --> 00:12:53,591
I mean, I know it costs more than
regular dog food, but I'm worth it.
203
00:12:54,232 --> 00:12:57,101
"Elderly foster
care abuse."
204
00:12:57,168 --> 00:12:59,836
Oh, my God... Wait,
look at these pictures.
205
00:12:59,905 --> 00:13:01,871
Wow, she's right.
206
00:13:03,607 --> 00:13:05,643
Oh, gross.
207
00:13:08,489 --> 00:13:10,556
Oh, no, this lady's got
a smile on her face.
208
00:13:10,561 --> 00:13:12,029
Wait, that's
not her face.
209
00:13:14,634 --> 00:13:16,334
Oh, my God.
210
00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:21,566
Hey, what if... some sadistic monster
is torturing our dads right now?
211
00:13:21,567 --> 00:13:24,636
So welcome to our happy home
212
00:13:24,704 --> 00:13:26,959
I am Ben
And I am Joan
213
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,658
Your children beat you
black and blue
214
00:13:29,682 --> 00:13:31,799
With a book
or with a shoe...
215
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:32,944
- We get it!
- Yeah.
216
00:13:32,945 --> 00:13:35,079
We get it,
you're nice people.
217
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:37,600
Welcome home.
218
00:13:39,436 --> 00:13:40,477
This is great.
219
00:13:40,478 --> 00:13:44,841
The only time I get hugged at home is
when they're pushing my hernia back in.
220
00:13:46,610 --> 00:13:48,744
- Just the woman.
- Oh! Uh, yeah, right.
221
00:13:51,867 --> 00:13:53,882
Hey, Donny and Marie,
where's the bathroom?
222
00:13:53,950 --> 00:13:56,251
Oh! Tinkle Center
is right over here.
223
00:14:02,567 --> 00:14:04,774
That's the Royal
Flush 3000.
224
00:14:04,790 --> 00:14:09,305
Well, then, you've got quite
the fecal eye, mister.
225
00:14:09,647 --> 00:14:12,232
You could put a loaf of
French bread down that thing
226
00:14:12,233 --> 00:14:14,911
and find it bobbing in the ocean,
not even bent.
227
00:14:16,761 --> 00:14:18,395
Mind if I take
her for a spin?
228
00:14:18,462 --> 00:14:20,830
Oh, sure. Just-just don't flush
it while you're still on it.
229
00:14:20,898 --> 00:14:23,077
It'll suck
your heart out.
230
00:14:23,215 --> 00:14:24,716
It already has.
231
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:33,224
You know, I once made the mistake
232
00:14:33,225 --> 00:14:37,195
of telling a talking parrot
my credit card number.
233
00:14:37,775 --> 00:14:40,630
$8,000 and
two court cases later,
234
00:14:40,631 --> 00:14:43,561
I have a newfound respect
for the animal kingdom.
235
00:14:44,281 --> 00:14:47,583
Yeah. You know, animals
instinctively want to entertain us.
236
00:14:47,650 --> 00:14:51,187
That's why bears love riding
bicycles while being whipped.
237
00:14:52,822 --> 00:14:54,056
Well, you're a hoot.
238
00:14:54,124 --> 00:14:56,591
Yeah...
you guys sure are,
239
00:14:56,658 --> 00:14:59,147
and I gotta tell you, "hoot" is
the highest compliment we give.
240
00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:02,090
It's true. I've only met three
hoots in my entire life,
241
00:15:02,091 --> 00:15:04,024
and I'm looking
at two of 'em.
242
00:15:04,827 --> 00:15:07,495
Well, uh, excuse me,
where are your, uh, coasters?
243
00:15:07,496 --> 00:15:08,696
Coasters?
244
00:15:08,697 --> 00:15:13,132
You are an enormous
silly goose, mister.
245
00:15:13,641 --> 00:15:15,809
You just put your drink
wherever you want.
246
00:15:15,877 --> 00:15:18,245
Really?
247
00:15:21,082 --> 00:15:23,317
See, we like having
rings on our furniture.
248
00:15:23,385 --> 00:15:27,201
It reminds us of all the nice older people
we've had the privilege of sheltering.
249
00:15:28,114 --> 00:15:32,051
This was Gus. His daughter hit him
over the head with a snow shovel.
250
00:15:32,052 --> 00:15:34,252
He sure hated Christmas.
251
00:15:34,761 --> 00:15:38,931
All right, this is Earl.
Earl's daughter water-boarded him.
252
00:15:38,999 --> 00:15:40,433
That's horrible.
253
00:15:40,434 --> 00:15:43,669
Well, they actually got
some pretty useful information.
254
00:15:45,285 --> 00:15:48,211
All right, California
has so many weird town names.
255
00:15:48,212 --> 00:15:52,655
I know! "Vista del Negro."
Can they even have that sign?
256
00:15:54,147 --> 00:15:55,420
How much further away is it?
257
00:15:55,448 --> 00:15:58,650
The, uh, the Find-a-Phone app
says five miles.
258
00:15:58,717 --> 00:16:01,552
I-I can't get some of those
abuse images out of my head.
259
00:16:01,553 --> 00:16:03,921
Ugh, right? Especially
that one with the, uh...
260
00:16:03,922 --> 00:16:06,524
- Yeah.
- Or-or the ones with, uh...
261
00:16:06,525 --> 00:16:08,776
- Oh, God, don't remind me.
- How about that one with...
262
00:16:08,777 --> 00:16:11,653
- No, I didn't see that one.
- I didn't see that one.
263
00:16:12,187 --> 00:16:15,731
Nobody better be sewing our dads
together to make a human centipede.
264
00:16:16,244 --> 00:16:19,579
Actually, you need three
to make a human centipede.
265
00:16:19,580 --> 00:16:21,803
Oh, you're right.
I'm so embarrassed.
266
00:16:22,650 --> 00:16:24,651
Well, I am never gonna fight
with my dad again.
267
00:16:24,718 --> 00:16:28,128
He can even walk in on me having sex
and I'm not gonna yell at him to leave.
268
00:16:28,582 --> 00:16:32,321
Really? You're going to let
your dad watch you having sex?
269
00:16:32,859 --> 00:16:36,473
Well, he never came to my Little League
games. It's kind of the same thing.
270
00:16:37,364 --> 00:16:39,031
Not really.
271
00:16:40,867 --> 00:16:45,111
Well, the point is, we are gonna be
the most loving and tolerant sons ever.
272
00:16:45,112 --> 00:16:46,312
Hear, hear.
273
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:50,708
We're never gonna be like that.
No, no.
274
00:16:50,776 --> 00:16:54,645
But even us just talking about it
makes us the most awesome sons ever.
275
00:16:54,646 --> 00:16:55,780
- Hear, hear.
- Yeah.
276
00:16:55,781 --> 00:16:58,298
- No, no, no, no. Turn off here, here.
- Oh.
277
00:17:00,278 --> 00:17:01,573
- Rocky.
- Black Swan.
278
00:17:01,574 --> 00:17:02,905
- Rocky 2.
- All That Jazz.
279
00:17:02,906 --> 00:17:04,117
- Rocky 3.
- Footloose!
280
00:17:04,118 --> 00:17:06,073
Uh, The Last
Temptation of Christ.
281
00:17:06,757 --> 00:17:08,058
Ice Castles!
282
00:17:08,059 --> 00:17:09,542
- Yes, Ice Castles!
- Yes!
283
00:17:09,543 --> 00:17:10,543
- Yes, yes! Oh, you got it!
- Yes!
284
00:17:10,544 --> 00:17:12,234
- You're so good.
- No, you're the good one.
285
00:17:12,235 --> 00:17:13,123
- Good.
- You're the good one!
286
00:17:13,124 --> 00:17:14,231
- I know.
- You're the good one.
287
00:17:14,232 --> 00:17:16,343
- Uh, who's next?
- All right, David, you are up.
288
00:17:16,344 --> 00:17:17,650
- David!
- Go, David.
289
00:17:17,651 --> 00:17:19,003
Come on,
David, come on.
290
00:17:19,004 --> 00:17:20,075
- Come on.
- Here we go.
291
00:17:20,076 --> 00:17:21,309
All right.
292
00:17:21,338 --> 00:17:23,373
- Apollo 13.
- No.
293
00:17:23,374 --> 00:17:24,942
Okay.
294
00:17:24,943 --> 00:17:28,032
Again, you're not supposed to just
say the title out loud, but you...
295
00:17:28,033 --> 00:17:29,712
You know, I'm gonna give
you a point anyway
296
00:17:29,779 --> 00:17:32,715
'cause this time, you didn't
just throw it into the fire.
297
00:17:32,782 --> 00:17:35,851
What can I say?
I'm having fun.
298
00:17:35,856 --> 00:17:38,268
All right, you sickos,
get away from our dads!
299
00:17:38,269 --> 00:17:40,738
Warner, check to see they
haven't been sewn together.
300
00:17:42,245 --> 00:17:44,914
Oh, I can... I can kind of
see that they haven't.
301
00:17:45,294 --> 00:17:47,695
David, Crawford,
stand behind me.
302
00:17:47,763 --> 00:17:51,233
I will protect you like a panty
shield of righteousness.
303
00:17:52,934 --> 00:17:55,469
And I have put a a fresh pea
in my rape whistle,
304
00:17:55,537 --> 00:17:58,906
so it'll be good and loud,
I guarantee you that.
305
00:17:58,973 --> 00:18:00,973
- It's okay. We got this.
- Yeah.
306
00:18:00,974 --> 00:18:02,608
What are you doing here, Eli?
307
00:18:02,977 --> 00:18:05,946
Dad, listen... I'm sorry
that we fought before.
308
00:18:06,014 --> 00:18:08,748
You mean more to me
than most of my towels.
309
00:18:09,750 --> 00:18:12,418
And Dad, I'm sorry
I yelled at you.
310
00:18:12,419 --> 00:18:16,022
It's just, Camila and I worry so much
that you're gonna destroy our home,
311
00:18:16,090 --> 00:18:20,160
business, and children, that we, uh...
we-we overreact.
312
00:18:20,911 --> 00:18:22,899
So come on, we're taking
you guys out of here.
313
00:18:22,900 --> 00:18:24,729
We'll sort it out with Social
Services in the morning.
314
00:18:24,730 --> 00:18:26,571
- Let's go.
- No, thanks.
315
00:18:26,572 --> 00:18:28,634
- What do you mean?
- We like it here.
316
00:18:28,635 --> 00:18:30,769
And we are no longer
a burden to you.
317
00:18:30,970 --> 00:18:34,716
Wait... come on.
This isn't about your happiness.
318
00:18:34,774 --> 00:18:38,177
This is about our guilty conscience.
So let's go.
319
00:18:38,298 --> 00:18:41,679
They haven't even met their roommates.
They're a couple of hoots.
320
00:18:41,746 --> 00:18:44,549
Now you're up to four hoots
and you've lost my trust.
321
00:18:45,713 --> 00:18:47,818
Wait a minute.
What roommates?
322
00:18:47,886 --> 00:18:49,187
Us.
323
00:18:50,622 --> 00:18:52,690
Who the hell are they?
324
00:18:53,992 --> 00:18:55,293
Our mothers.
325
00:18:55,294 --> 00:18:58,629
I'll take Country Club,
you take Bowling Alley.
326
00:18:59,896 --> 00:19:00,996
Yeah.
327
00:19:00,997 --> 00:19:04,465
They moved in a year ago
for "just a few days."
328
00:19:04,835 --> 00:19:09,039
Wait a minute. You're trying
to fix up our dads with your moms?
329
00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:10,931
We need someone to marry them
to get them out of our house.
330
00:19:10,956 --> 00:19:12,156
Yeah.
331
00:19:12,355 --> 00:19:15,940
- Come on, let's get out of here.
- Hey, not so fast.
332
00:19:16,779 --> 00:19:20,549
My secret garden
needs tending.
333
00:19:24,768 --> 00:19:26,755
Go! Go, go, go, go, go!
334
00:19:26,823 --> 00:19:29,591
Dad, Dad, Dad.
You can stop saying that.
335
00:19:29,592 --> 00:19:31,929
We've been driving
for a half hour.
336
00:19:32,438 --> 00:19:35,240
I'm sorry, I'm just
so full of adrenaline.
337
00:19:35,308 --> 00:19:37,977
Yeah, I can't believe
you hit that woman.
338
00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:39,812
Yeah.
339
00:19:40,226 --> 00:19:42,618
I feel like Sean Connery.
340
00:19:45,818 --> 00:19:48,953
I'm still not sure
that was a woman.
341
00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:01,234
Excuse me, I'm here...
342
00:20:01,235 --> 00:20:04,754
Hang on, I'm not done with this story
about Kelly Clarkson finding true love.
343
00:20:07,729 --> 00:20:09,154
Oh, my God.
344
00:20:09,171 --> 00:20:11,172
Why didn't you say
you were hot?
345
00:20:11,239 --> 00:20:13,239
I'm just here to inspect
your fire extinguisher.
346
00:20:13,308 --> 00:20:16,576
Oh, I better help you.
It's really hard to find.
347
00:20:16,644 --> 00:20:18,679
- There it is.
- Hmm?
348
00:20:20,848 --> 00:20:24,523
Uh... yeah, that...
that might be it.
349
00:20:25,353 --> 00:20:26,753
All you guys
are so brave.
350
00:20:26,821 --> 00:20:29,021
I-I have a cousin who's a fire
fighter in Vista Del Negro.
351
00:20:29,088 --> 00:20:31,324
Oh, well, I love
Vista Del Negro.
352
00:20:31,391 --> 00:20:34,116
I live one town over
in Yorba Vulva.
353
00:20:36,697 --> 00:20:38,961
We're back!
354
00:20:38,962 --> 00:20:44,194
Operation Rescue Dads From Nice People
With Creepy Moms was a huge success!
355
00:20:44,762 --> 00:20:46,996
So you guys enjoying
having your dads back?
356
00:20:47,064 --> 00:20:52,053
Yeah. And the neighbors missed my dad's
robe blowing open when he gets the paper.
357
00:20:52,054 --> 00:20:53,899
Yeah, my dad flooded
the bathroom this morning
358
00:20:53,900 --> 00:20:56,753
trying to flush a loaf of French bread
down the toilet.
359
00:20:56,754 --> 00:21:00,626
He just kept flushing and yelling,
"You can do it! You can do it!"
360
00:21:03,279 --> 00:21:05,214
Speak of the devil.
361
00:21:06,955 --> 00:21:10,056
Hey. Hey, hey!
What's going on?
362
00:21:10,057 --> 00:21:13,593
Mr. Eli, your father won't
let me watch my favorite show -
363
00:21:13,594 --> 00:21:16,662
The Real Housewivesof Guadalajara.
364
00:21:16,836 --> 00:21:19,671
I want to watch
Homeland.
365
00:21:19,739 --> 00:21:21,206
Always same!
366
00:21:21,274 --> 00:21:23,675
"I crazy, I crazy..."
367
00:21:23,743 --> 00:21:26,410
Ka-boom!
368
00:21:26,478 --> 00:21:29,847
Guys, we live in the future.
We can DVR both shows.
369
00:21:29,914 --> 00:21:31,490
- What?
- ?Que?
370
00:21:32,150 --> 00:21:33,684
Okay...
371
00:21:34,586 --> 00:21:37,255
Inmagracion!
372
00:21:48,892 --> 00:21:51,806
They never take Edna alive!
373
00:21:53,837 --> 00:21:56,837
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00:21:56,887 --> 00:22:01,437
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