All language subtitles for Dads s01e01 Pilot.eng

MAN: Who dares to challenge
the Mage of Aknar?

Okay, that was great.
Uh, let's try it again,

maybe with a little more
wizard-like quality.

Well, what kind of wizard is he?

A... magic wizard?

Ah. Okay.
I got it.

- Hey. Sorry I'm late.
- Hey.

Guess who was begging me
to come to work again today.

Oh, well, who would know more
about video games

- than your 65-year-old dad?
- Yeah.

He was actually waiting

in the backseat of the car
with his briefcase.

Oh, he thinks
he's business people.

You know,

we could always give your dad
a pretend office here.

Cute little nameplate,
phone plugged into nothing.

Are you kidding me?
I don't want him here.

It's bad enough
he has to live with me.

Well, you could've said no.

I can't say no to him.

What kind of person
does that to their own father?

Me. I would have enjoyed it.

In fact, I'm gonna randomly text
my dad the word "no" right now.

No, don't do that.
All caps, and send.

(chuckles)

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/

I saw you.

(laughing):
I saw you, too!

Do you see this?

Your father made a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich.

I already have two kids;
I don't need a third.

Honey, you have got to start

talking to him
about this stuff.

No, I don't.
See, my relationship with my dad

is based on a mutual
avoidance of conflict.

You know, you could learn
a lot from us, okay?

Okay.

Warner?

Warner?

Ah. Warner, the last four
of your social is

7-1-4-6, correct?

(nervous chuckle): Uh, y-yeah,
but why are you using it?

Well, if I use mine, the IRS
would be all over this place

like flies on a ham.

(chuckles)

I'll explain it all
to you later

when I'm off the phone
with Burt Dillard.

- Who's Burt Dillard?
- I-I don't know.

All my dad's associates
have "businessman" names,

like Burt Dillard...

Thatcher Wainwright...

Jock Upson.

Well, Burt Dillard, done deal.

Camila, would you mind

pretending to be my secretary?

I need to give a ring
to Granger Watts.

Gracias, muchacha.
You're a peach.

(chuckles)
Woop!

(gasps)

Well, now that you've...
seen it,

I won't be needing a towel
from here on out.

(phone rings)

(whispers):
Hi, Dad.

Hello?

- Eli?
- Yes, Dad, I'm here.

Uh, I can't hear you.
Why are you whispering?

Why are you calling
at 7:00 a.m.?

Yeah, just making sure we're
still on track for my visit.

- What visit?
- For Warner's birthday party.

Dad, Warner's birthday's
in eight months.

Well, I just got an Evite

to a surprise party
at Warner's this Friday.

Dad, that's my birthday.

Really?

(laughs): Yes. You just ruined
a surprise party in my honor

and forgot my birthday

in one phone call.

Well, you still want me to come?

I'm kind of stuck
with this plane ticket.

(scoffs)

Fine. I'll see you
when you get here.

Okay. Good.

By the way,

did you text me the word "no"
the other...

A surprise party?

I hate surprise parties.

- You're a terrible girlfriend.
- Oh, I thought you said

- I wasn't your girlfriend.
- Well, whatever you are,

you're terrible at it.

WARNER:
Yes.

Feel it.

Feel the dad.

How could you
invite him?

Why would you do that?

I'll tell you why...
because

two years ago, you blew

an Indian-food burp
right in my face,

and it's payback time.

30 seconds of burp smell does
not equal multi-day Dad visit.

Hey, you send one of mine
to the hospital,

I send one of yours
to the morgue.

That's the Chicago way.

- Untouchables.
- That's right. Yeah.

Besides, a couple days
with your dad

is not gonna be
the end of the world.

Are you kidding me?
He's the worst.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no.
Don't do this.

No, you will lose
the bad-dad showdown.

Oh, we'll see.

Okay, my dad
quickly closes the laptop

every time I walk into the room.

I wonder why.

My dad can clear his throat
for 50 minutes

of a 90-minute movie.

(clearing throat)

(groans)

My dad is in debt
on three continents,

including Antarctica.

Who loans money there?

My dad's a light-kiss-
on-the-lips dad.

Mwah!

My dad squandered away
the family fortune,

and now he has to live with me.

My dad divorced my mom and left
the country when I was five.

(imitating gun firing)
(imitating bullets ricocheting)

Sorry.

Look, you're lucky your
dads are American.

My dad beat me with a
math book till I was 16.

Well, see, there you go,
th-that's exactly why

we need your help on Friday
when we pitch to the Chinese investors.

Because of my intimate knowledge
of Chinese culture?

No. Because
you're gonna dress up

like a sexy Asian schoolgirl.

I can't do that.

Oh, you can.
Sure you can.

Here, uh, practice with me.
(clears throat, sniffs)

(high-pitched giggling)

This you?

What?!

No, that's not me!

That's the kid from Mask,

one of the ugliest people
in human history.

I don't know.

He looks like you
in the face parts.

There's my birthday boy.

WOMAN:
Eli,

is okay I coming
on 2:30 next week?

Are you asking me or telling me?

Okay, thank you.

Why does your bag say:

"Say 'yes' to
breast cancer"?

It was a misprint.

They were giving
them away at a 5K.

You did a 5K?

There was free water every K.

I just got in my car
and drove K to K.

So, you want to flip
for the bed?

Dad, there is no
way you're sleeping

in my... Heads, heads,
heads, heads, heads!

See you in the morning.
(Eli groans)

Stay out of the bathroom
between 3:00 and 4:00.

That's my go time.

All right,
are you ready

to dazzle those
Chinese investors?

What is this?

It's your helmet. You're
a rock-and-roll American

who rides a motorcycle.
No.

- Yes!
- No!

No more characters.
Come on,

you come into
that meeting late,

wearing this helmet...
it says to them:

"I don't care if I die
riding a motorcycle.

I just want to make
great video games."

If I don't care if I die,

why am I wearing a helmet?

Well, hello, kitty.
(chuckles)

(continues chuckling)

It's-it's good.

Like, it's... it's pretty,
and you, like...

like, it works,
and I like it. It's...

Stop... filing this away.

I can't. I'm sorry.

I just promoted myself
to VP of game development,

and I'm taking next week off.

We, uh... we really
want to thank you

for your sacrifice
and your teamwork...

okay, now I'm filing it away.
(groans)

You know,

there's another very big
business meeting going on today.

Oh, that's right...
our dads are having lunch.

Who do you think
picks up that check?

Oh, I say check placed on table
followed by a long pause.

And then at least
two fake bathroom trips.

I've seen my dad
physically nudge a check

towards the other person.

Does one of them die there?

(gasps)
Do both of them die there?

Oh.

So, you got your
whole office in there?

Yeah, pretty nearly, yeah.

I just came
from a very interesting...

very interesting,
in fact, meeting

with an outfit that owns the
copyright to Black Santa Claus,

of all things.

They're going to make a fortune
for the right investor.

Investing!
Giving your money to someone.

Here you go,
stranger with a tie.

I was hoping you could turn
my money into more money,

but if you can't,
I'll understand.

Look at our sons.

Their stock has
never been higher,

and with my help,
they're gonna go global.

In fact,

today they are meeting
with some Orientals.

So... what time is
this birthday party tonight?

Oh, I think
it's at, uh, 7:00.

I thought it was at 7:30.

(coughs)

(sputters)

(exhales):
Ah...

Let me check my day planner.

Yes, I have 7:00.

Well, 7:00, 7:30...
what does it matter?

(sneezes loudly)

So, the one thing
that we learned

from the success
of-of Kill Hitler

is that... people
love killing Hitler.

So, i-in Kill Hitler 2,

there are 45 new ways
that you can kill Hitler.

Check it out.
You can hang Hitler.

You can electrocute Hitler.

(groaning)

You can even impale Hitler
with a menorah.

What the heil?
(groans)

(giggles)

(camera clicks)

(speaking Chinese)

We like
what we're hearing

and want very much
to work with you

and your rock-and-roll
American rebel man.

That's fantastic.
That's great.

ELI: Thank you. Thank you
so mu... so much.

Uh, lock the door.

Lock the door. Lock the door.

Warner! Open up.
I'm here to help.

No, no, Dad, we just sealed
a handshake agreement.

(scoffs) Then you've got nothing.
Okay.

Listen,

go to my office.
There's a granola bar

in the top drawer.
No, no, no. No, Warner,

the Chinese are-are a lovely
and honorable people,

but you can't trust 'em.
Dad, please.

Dad, please,

stop it!
There's a reason Shanghai's a verb.

Daddy, no!

CAMILA: I can't believe they didn't
want to invest millions

with a guy who says,
"Daddy, no!"

Well, it was kind of
my dad's fault

for showing up in the
first place, don't you think?

Okay, see, this is your fault
because you never confront him.

I can't yell at him.
It's like...

it's like yelling at a golden
retriever with a briefcase.

Boy, that went south
in a heartbeat today, didn't it?

(laughs)

Ah, but don't you worry.
They'll be back.

I have been in this position
many, many times before.

They-they told us never
to call them again. (chuckles)

Yeah. Don't you just love
the dance? (chuckles)

So you don't think
that was a total disaster today?

Would I be celebrating with your
last beer if I thought that?

Look, Dad, this is really
difficult for me to say,

but I'm gonna say it.
I'm gonna say it right now.

Camila thinks you, uh,
ruined the deal today.

(doorbell rings)

Surprise!

(chuckles)
Hi, guys.

You must be Warner.

Yeah. Don't learn my name.
It's easier that way.

Mwah!

Hi, Warner.

Did you taste the tuna
that he had for breakfast?

Mm-hmm. And it would have been
a billion-dollar deal

if somebody had told me

the correct pronunciation
is "Shiite Muslim."

Well, Eli,
I propose a toast.

Dad, no talking.
Just enjoy the free food.

Uh, speech!

Speech!
(chuckles) Thank you, Warner.

And thanks
to your beautiful maid

for making
all this food.

I'm his wife.
Well,

when Eli was born

and came out with red hair,
I couldn't believe he was mine,

so I had his mother
take a paternity test.

Come on, Dad.

(chuckling):
Paternity test?

The test determined
that I was the father,

but with technology back then,
who knows?

He doesn't.
(chuckles)

Happy birthday, Eli.

Wow, awesome toast.
There's a lot of love there.

And here's your gift.
Oh.

Well...
(clears throat)

(scoffs)

My birthday gift is a
framed photo of you?

You don't like it?

Eh, you look like a
disgraced science teacher.

Well, that's pretty ungrateful.

What am I supposed
to be grateful for?

The time you introduced
me to a woman named Deb

as my new mom and then broke up
with her 20 minutes later?

We grew apart.

Hey-o!
(chuckles)

What about when, uh,
you shaved my head

before we went
to Disneyland?

We got a free lunch with Goofy,
didn't we?

It's not funny, Dad.

You can't just make a
joke out of everything.

Well, if I don't, who will?
Not you.

You've got your mother's
sense of humor,

i.e. none.

Well, here's something
you might find funny:

I'm leaving my own birthday
party because of you.

Good night, everybody!

There was a sleeping child
in the room I stormed into.

BOY (crying):
Daddy!

I thought he was the bed
with the coats on it,

so I grabbed him really hard.

And so this new wave
Hoof anti-Semitism led

to what became known
as the Granada Massacre (door opens)

of 1066. Some 1,500

Jewish families
were slaughtered and those

left behind were forced to pay
the newly imposed poll tax...

(David clears throat loudly)

In many ways, the event
was mirrored in 1840

by what is commonly known
as the Damascus Affair,

in which Middle Eastern Jews
were blamed

for the disappearance
of a French monk and his scribe.

Kristallnacht,
also known as the Night

of the Broken Glass, was
a series of coordinated attacks

against the Jews
throughout Nazi Germany

and parts of Austria in November

of 1938...
(clears throat)

(bell dings)

What you playing?

Punch the Puerto Rican?

No, it's a boxing game
we're developing.

It doesn't have a name yet.
Uh-huh.

Well, jot down "Punch
the Puerto Rican."

Let the marketing people
take it from there.

Hey, Dad, you know
we don't work together, right?

Well, you and I have a very
special relationship.

You know, I see David
and Eli going at it,

and I just think,
"Wow, how lucky we are."

I mean, we just...
get along. (chuckles)

Look, Dad, I-I know
you think we get along, but...

Yes, son?

(sighs)

No, you're right.

We do get along.

I love you, buddy.

And I love you, too, son.

Well, ups and downs,
but we came out

on the other side.
Bye, Dad!

I'll call you
next week. Yeah.

All right.

Bye.

Take those calcium pills.

You have a good one, Dad!

(whoops loudly)

Taxi!

(knocking)

Dad, what are you doing?

How did you know I was here?

Well, I hit a red light
on the way out of the airport.

(humming)

No. No!

What are you doing?

Go back!

Go back!

We made a deal!

So what's going on, Dad?

Why aren't you going back home?

The truth is, there's no home
to go back to.

I couldn't make the last
few payments on the condo

and the bank took it back.
What?

Why didn't you come to me?
I would've loaned you the money.

Do you have any idea
how humiliating that would be?

Look, I guess I was just hoping
that I could stay with you,

like Warner's dad
stays with him.

Then we started
arguing, and I knew

it wasn't gonna
happen, so here I am.

Look, Dad, I'm sorry
that we fight. It's just...

(sighs)

Sometimes... I feel like
you're rooting for me to fail.

And that's terrifying.

I'm the one who's failed.

Failed to
keep my home,

failed to stay with your mom,
failed to be a real dad to you.

Oh, come on.

You're gonna deny those things?

No, but I'm gonna say,
"Oh, come on."

(sighs)
Look, Dad,

it's not too late.
I mean, we can try.

Come on. Get your stuff.
Let's get out of this place.

You can stay with me.

Really?

- Yeah.
- Thanks.

I love you, Eli.

Oh. Yeah. Uh...
(sputters)

Big-time ditto.

(sighs)

Mwah!
(groans)

And this is their ethnically
and sexually diverse workplace.

(chuckles)

Where's your gay guy?

Show him your gay guy.

You know, we actually had
to expand into this office

a couple months ago because
the company's growing so fast.

Yeah, things are going great now, but...
Dad.

What? I was just gonna say
someday they won't be.

Guys, I think I
fixed your screwup.

The deal with the Chinese
is back on.

- What? That's amazing.
- How?

Oh, that creepy translator
texted me a picture

of his tiny penis,
so I threatened to put it online

unless he convinced the
investors to approve the deal.

(chuckles)

Nice! All right.
(Veronica chuckles)

All right, let's see it.

(clears throat)

It looks like something
you'd pick out of a salad.

It looks like a cashew
on a shag carpet.

And this was the
best photo he took.

Can you imagine the other
nine he deleted to get here?

(Veronica chuckles)

This is nice.

This is really, really nice.

Now, I see an inchworm
and a little tiny fireman's hat.

Oh, I see it.
Oh, yeah, I see it, too.

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