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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,800 Previously on Cuckoo... 2 00:00:02,120 --> 00:00:05,700 Would you do me the honour of permitting me, Dale Ashbrick, 3 00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:07,159 to propose to your daughter? 4 00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:10,279 Should your focus be wedding rings when you haven't got a job? 5 00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:14,359 You are looking at a 49% owner of All Dale And Steve's Pals. 6 00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:15,919 Steve's already got the lease. 7 00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:17,079 Why do I feel scared? 8 00:00:17,080 --> 00:00:20,119 Rachel said she needed more space to think about her path in life, 9 00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:23,479 so I found the place in England with the most space there is! 10 00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:24,759 I needed time to think, 11 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:28,039 not some kind of non-consensual Duke of Edinburgh. 12 00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:29,559 A job's come up, a real one. 13 00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:30,919 Where is it? 14 00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:34,039 Erm, it's in Sierra Nevada... or Leone. 15 00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:35,200 The African one. 16 00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:47,240 Oh, wow. 17 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:53,119 Like, genuine question, you built this? Just you and Steve? 18 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:54,599 Well, it was mainly me. 19 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:56,239 Steve preferred to supervise. 20 00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:58,279 He made me work with my top off a lot. 21 00:00:58,280 --> 00:00:59,719 Sometimes my pants too. 22 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:01,559 All right. 23 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:03,839 - DOOR OPENS - Ah... 24 00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:05,119 Wow. 25 00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:07,239 I actually meant shove a coat of magnolia on it. 26 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:08,639 Oh, I'm sorry. I can wash it off. 27 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:11,399 No, no, no, no. No, leave it. 28 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:12,560 It's beautiful. 29 00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:14,919 It's All Steve's Pals. 30 00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:16,719 I mean, look at this place, huh? 31 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:18,519 And they said we'd never make it happen. 32 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:20,719 - Who did? - Ken, Lorna, Connie, 33 00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:22,439 the postman, my kids, 34 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:24,879 BBC West Midlands, your girlfriend... 35 00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:27,039 Yeah, to be fair, I did say that. 36 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:29,119 Still, we showed them. 37 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:32,759 But the question is, Dale, are you ready? 38 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,320 I think so. 39 00:01:57,280 --> 00:01:59,080 RACHEL GIGGLES 40 00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:03,680 How was that? 41 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:07,520 BOTH: Fucking hell. 42 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:20,479 Hiya, love. Busy day? 43 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:21,639 Ha! Yeah, right. 44 00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:24,199 Just plotting my return to Herbert Radcliffe Solicitors 45 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:25,559 as chief partner. 46 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:28,399 Don't you think it's time that you started looking for another job? 47 00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:29,679 Nah, Dad'll be fine, Mum. 48 00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:31,639 I mean, a vacancy for a giant dickhead 49 00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:33,359 is bound to come up somewhere soon. 50 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:37,039 I don't need to look for a new job because I'm getting my old one back. 51 00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:39,919 Oh, yeah? How are you planning to do that? 52 00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:42,039 I know how you can get your old job back. 53 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:43,879 Oh, right. Come on, then. 54 00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:45,039 What's the big idea? 55 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:48,159 Well, you take the other partners for a nice, friendly curry, 56 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:49,519 except for that Jane one. 57 00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:51,879 With her, you want to say you're doing a charity skydive, 58 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:54,839 and then, when you're up there, rip the safety cord from her parachute, 59 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:57,999 strangle her with it, and then shove her out of the plane. 60 00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:01,640 And say something really cool like, "See you around." 61 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,359 That might actually work! Ken! 62 00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:08,319 The curry bit, obviously, not the horrifying murder. 63 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:09,799 Although, if I was going to do that, 64 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,919 I'd say something cooler than, "See you around." 65 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:14,079 "Is it a bird? Is it a Jane?" 66 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:15,559 Yeah. 67 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:17,199 "Auf Wieders-Jane." 68 00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:18,679 Yeah, or, erm... 69 00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:20,199 We could have, erm... 70 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,999 - Erm... - Oh... 71 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:23,959 Yeah, murder her or don't murder her, 72 00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,480 cos I really don't give a shit. 73 00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:28,599 I'm starting to worry about Dylan. 74 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:30,559 Yeah? What was the turning point? 75 00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:32,279 When he shat in his girlfriend's bath 76 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:34,119 or, two years later, when he shagged her mum? 77 00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:35,559 Good point. 78 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:36,960 Anyway, this plan... 79 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:42,399 Me and all the partners, out for a curry tomorrow night. 80 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:44,919 No Jane there to poison them against me. 81 00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:46,799 Classic divide and conquer. 82 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:50,599 Jane - the hopeless Turks... Me - Genghis Khan, 83 00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:54,119 literally currying favour with her employees. 84 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:55,999 PHONE KEYPAD BEEPS 85 00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,800 It means I'll miss Dale's opening night, but... 86 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:04,119 Hello, I'd like to book a table for six tomorrow night, please. 87 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:05,919 The name? 88 00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:07,359 IN DEEP VOICE: Genghis Ken. 89 00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:09,199 SHE LAUGHS 90 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:10,759 No, just Ken is fine. 91 00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:12,520 - SHE LAUGHS - Oh, God... 92 00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:23,280 Not tonight, my love. 93 00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:39,480 - PHONE CHIMES - Goodnight, Chief Ken. Goodnight, Lorna. 94 00:04:39,481 --> 00:04:41,181 _ 95 00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:43,559 - Night, Dylan. - DYLAN: Jesus, you bell-end! 96 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:45,599 Oh, my bad, sorry! (DALE LAUGHS) 97 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:48,159 Wow, Dylan sure does love to masturbate. 98 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:49,200 Yeah. 99 00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:51,879 HE EXHALES 100 00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:54,119 Wow. I don't know how I'm going to be able to sleep. 101 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:56,160 I'm so excited for the launch. 102 00:04:58,200 --> 00:04:59,639 - Dale... - Mm-hmm? 103 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:02,119 If I was to ask you to do something that was bad for you, 104 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:06,839 like, I don't know, eat raw pork, would you do it? 105 00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,239 I'd say, "Hand me the sausage." 106 00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:10,359 You know I'd do anything for you, Rach. 107 00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:11,720 Yeah, I do. 108 00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:15,480 Goodnight. 109 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:21,879 SIGHING 110 00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:23,880 So, when do you want me to do it? 111 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:28,919 Cos I'm going to be pretty busy tomorrow with the launch, 112 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:31,479 but I might be able to pop back a few sausages in the morning. 113 00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:32,999 It was hypothetical. 114 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,400 - That's a relief. - Yeah. 115 00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:42,560 And hypothetical means... ? 116 00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:46,199 You don't have to eat the sausage. 117 00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:48,680 Oh! OK. Awesome. 118 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:57,200 Night, Rach. 119 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,959 It's only for six months, so I'll be back before you know it. 120 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:11,599 Sierra Leone? 121 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,999 Wow. Oh, it's a beautiful part of... Asia? 122 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,000 It's Africa. 123 00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:17,500 - Yes, I knew that. - Yeah. 124 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:20,760 Anyway, you two are going to have a great time over there. 125 00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:23,920 I don't think I should bring Dale. 126 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:27,479 Oh, Jesus. It's a biggie. 127 00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:30,079 Is this because he stranded you on the Pennines? 128 00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:32,039 You can't stay angry at him forever. 129 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:34,039 I'm not angry. 130 00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:35,799 Dale's happy here. 131 00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:37,319 He's put his life into his bar, 132 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:38,999 and if I ask him to come, he'll come. 133 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:40,239 And don't you want him to come? 134 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,599 No, I want him to come but, deep down, 135 00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:44,879 even if he says he wants to come, I know he wants to stay, 136 00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:47,359 and I have to go. 137 00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:49,319 I'm all over the shop here, Rach. 138 00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:50,719 What is it you're trying to say? 139 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:54,399 Dale would do anything for me, and this wouldn't be fair. 140 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:57,519 If I ask him to come, he'll say yes. 141 00:06:57,520 --> 00:07:00,199 He's like a big lovely... 142 00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:01,679 ... Labrador. 143 00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:04,480 He even catches Frisbees in his mouth. 144 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:11,840 Yeah, that's hard. 145 00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:17,599 Oh, that's terrible. She's crazy. 146 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:18,839 I know. 147 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:19,999 Hey, guys! 148 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:22,439 Oh, hi, Ken. What are you doing here? Aren't you... ? 149 00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:23,959 What, just because I've been fired 150 00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:26,159 means I can't come into my own workplace any more? 151 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:27,960 Erm... Yeah? 152 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:31,679 I actually swung by to see if you guys fancied going out 153 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,959 for a big old curry tonight. 154 00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:37,039 My treat. You can have a rice and a naan. 155 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,159 Unlimited chutney. 156 00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:40,879 I mean, up to a point, obviously, don't take the piss, but... 157 00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:44,039 - Yeah, all right. Sounds good, yeah. - Great. 158 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:47,639 And, hey, probably best if we don't invite Jane, eh? 159 00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:50,679 Might be a little bit more fun if it's just us lads. 160 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:52,799 Sure, yeah, probably better without her anyway. 161 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:54,479 The fun sponge. 162 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:57,319 Oh, dear. Are things not going great with Jane? 163 00:07:57,320 --> 00:07:58,599 She's cracking the whip, mate. 164 00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:01,399 She doesn't even let us watch The Good Wife in the office any more. 165 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:04,239 We're all out of sync. Noel doesn't even know Will dies. 166 00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:06,759 - What?! - That is a shame. 167 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:08,719 An office needs fun, guys. 168 00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:11,279 But then, that is Jane, isn't it? 169 00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:15,639 Cruel, harsh, dour, joyless, 170 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:18,319 really kills the mood in any room, doesn't she? 171 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:19,880 Yeah, like a fart in a lift. 172 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:25,559 But the Germans will keep re-electing her, won't they? 173 00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:27,719 You've got to hand it to the woman. She's... 174 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:29,039 Hello, Jane. 175 00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:30,239 Ken, what are you doing here? 176 00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:33,079 I thought you'd be at home watching daytime telly and payday loan ads? 177 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:35,040 Ken's taking us for a curry tonight. 178 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:39,759 Great. I'll stick it in the diary. 179 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,199 Glad you can make it. 180 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,199 - I know what you're doing, Ken. - Excuse me? 181 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,839 If you think you can buy your job back with a chicken korma, 182 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:48,599 then you're even more ridiculous than you look. 183 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:49,720 See you tonight. 184 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:56,040 Of course you would order a korma. 185 00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:06,159 - Hey, Dale! - Hey, Steve! What's in the box? 186 00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:09,159 Our high-class, beach-side tiki bar dress code. 187 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:13,119 Bikinis, budgie smugglers... Perfect for that beach-side vibe. 188 00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:17,119 All free, lost property from the local leisure centre. 189 00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:18,759 Ha! That's genius. 190 00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:20,519 Yeah. 191 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:23,919 Oh, man, I can't believe we're finally ready. 192 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:25,920 Ah, we're more than ready. 193 00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:36,079 Box of swimwear and the cheapest strippers in the Midlands booked. 194 00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:37,959 - Boom! - Boom. 195 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:40,079 I just wish Chief Ken was going to be here to see it. 196 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,839 Also, it's still no to the strippers. 197 00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:45,239 What? Ken isn't coming? Is it something I said? Ah... 198 00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:47,439 I wasn't there enough for him. That's it, isn't it? 199 00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:48,959 No, he's just made plans. 200 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,439 OK, I took my eye off the ball. 201 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:52,839 Connie was back. 202 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:55,239 We had a trial un-separation... 203 00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:56,599 13 days in a Travelodge, 204 00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:58,879 round-the-clock lovemaking and rolling news. 205 00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:00,159 Tell Ken I can change. 206 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:01,959 - Right, but it's not you. - Huh? 207 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:04,519 He's just organized a curry for a bunch of people at his office. 208 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:05,799 - Curry? - Yeah. 209 00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:07,559 Oh, sorry. 210 00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:09,960 He needs to get his job back. I get it. 211 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:14,279 I just really wish he was going to be here so I could propose to Rachel 212 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,959 and he could see that I'm worthy of marrying his daughter. 213 00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,319 You're marriage material. 214 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:19,880 I'd marry you in a shot. 215 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:22,280 Just say the word. 216 00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:25,199 No. 217 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:26,599 Unless... 218 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:28,999 No. You're right. It would never work. 219 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:31,079 HE SIGHS 220 00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:33,119 Hey, don't worry about Ken. 221 00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:34,360 I'll sort it out. 222 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:37,599 Nina, it's Rachel. I'm... 223 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:38,679 Rachel, hi. 224 00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:42,319 The Sierra Leone vacancy, that's still open, right? 225 00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:46,039 God, yeah. I cannot begin to tell you how fucked it is over there. 226 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:48,399 Like, really fucked. 227 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:49,959 - I'd like to take it. - Fab. 228 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:52,519 Can you get to the embassy in London tomorrow morning for 9.00? 229 00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:54,519 Only, otherwise I'll have to find someone else. 230 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:57,559 - Tomorrow? - It would mean going tonight. 231 00:10:57,560 --> 00:10:59,679 Yeah. Yeah, I can. 232 00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:04,279 Good because, and again I cannot stress this enough, they are fucked. 233 00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:06,080 - Bye. - Yeah. Bye. 234 00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:20,519 TO THE TUNE OF "THE PINA COLADA SONG": If you like tikka masala 235 00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:22,480 Being a twat to your friends 236 00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:28,319 Garlic naan at midnight 237 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:31,400 La da di, la da di... 238 00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:37,159 There's no keyhole. 239 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:38,920 Oh, for fuck's sake... 240 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:54,599 HE SIGHS 241 00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:57,560 - TYRE HISSES - Done and done. 242 00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:00,360 Evening! 243 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:04,039 I could smell it, Lorn. 244 00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:06,439 They hate Jane and they want big Ken back. 245 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:08,399 It's going to be mutiny on the bhaji. 246 00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:10,039 KEN CHUCKLES 247 00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:12,159 Come on, that was good. 248 00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:13,559 You shouldn't have to do this. 249 00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:15,359 You're better than them. 250 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:18,879 Where's that big sexy tree of a man who wanted to change the world 251 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:20,679 through affordable tax and property law? 252 00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:22,279 HE SIGHS 253 00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:23,679 He's tired, Lorn. 254 00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:24,719 So tired. 255 00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:27,679 Come on, you don't need them. 256 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:30,799 You could work for yourself, maybe even start your own firm. 257 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:35,479 What?! I can't just go around setting up a new Lichfield law firm. 258 00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:37,759 - Are you out of your mind?! - I thought it'd be quite easy. 259 00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:39,719 Don't you just register it at Companies House? 260 00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:41,279 No, you do not, Lorna! 261 00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:44,200 There are forms to be signed, signed in triplicate! 262 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:48,600 Ah, well. I tried. 263 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,839 SIGHING 264 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:54,880 Where is he? 265 00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:01,999 Do you lot work with Ken? 266 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,559 Yes, why? 267 00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:05,639 There's been a change of plan: 268 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:08,159 he wants you all to meet him somewhere else. 269 00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:09,839 Where? 270 00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:13,239 (HE EXHALES) It's a surprise. Come on. 271 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:14,759 Why has he sent you? 272 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:16,119 I'm your Uber. 273 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:17,360 Chop chop! 274 00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:21,599 Come on! Chop chop, or you'll miss the fun. 275 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:22,960 Come on, Missy. 276 00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:42,719 Shit it! 277 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:44,959 HE SIGHS 278 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:46,480 Unbelievable. 279 00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:51,919 Oh. Oh, thank God. 280 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:53,960 HE BREATHES HEAVILY 281 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,399 Poppadoms, please. 282 00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:58,480 All the dips. 283 00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:04,519 It's amazing, really. 284 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,879 I mean, Lichfield is the shittest place on earth 285 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,319 and they opened a bar in the shittest part of it. 286 00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:10,519 Oh, just be nice, Dylan. 287 00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:11,719 Dale needs our support. 288 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:14,559 It's like shit squared, and Rachel's leaving him. 289 00:14:14,560 --> 00:14:16,519 She's not leaving him. It's only for six months. 290 00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:18,839 Hey, and we're not supposed to say anything. 291 00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:21,639 Rachel's going to talk to him after the launch. 292 00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:24,479 The launch of the world's shittest... 293 00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:26,439 LOUD MUSIC AND CHEERING 294 00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:27,840 ... bar. 295 00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:38,600 Welcome to All Steve's Pals! 296 00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:43,319 - Hey, guys! - This is so amazing! 297 00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:45,519 I knew you could do it, bro! 298 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:47,639 - It's really good, Dale. - Thanks. 299 00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:51,479 There is so much fanny in here. I don't know how you do it! 300 00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:53,239 Neither do I! (DALE LAUGHS) 301 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,759 MUSIC: Don't You (Forget About Me) by Simple Minds 302 00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:57,239 Where's Rachel? 303 00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:58,879 She's not coming. 304 00:14:58,880 --> 00:14:59,959 Why? 305 00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:01,680 Well, I can't tell you why, Dale. 306 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:06,599 Oh, OK, fine, but you didn't hear it from me. 307 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:07,639 OK. 308 00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:09,839 She's packing her bags and leaving tomorrow morning... 309 00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:11,679 she's going to Sierra Leone. 310 00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:12,959 She's leaving? 311 00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,439 She didn't want to tell you tonight, 312 00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:16,599 because she didn't want to ruin your launch. 313 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:18,839 Well, smart move. It totally has. 314 00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:20,799 She's so perceptive. 315 00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:23,999 But, wait, Rachel has to be here. 316 00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:27,159 I mean, all of this is to show her how committed I am. 317 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:29,439 - I'm only doing this for Rachel. - Are you?! 318 00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:30,639 Yes! 319 00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:33,679 Well, then, in that case, you have to tell her, now! 320 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:36,639 - HE EXHALES - Go get her, Dale. 321 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:37,679 Go get her. 322 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:38,720 I will! 323 00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:43,279 Thanks, Lorna. 324 00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:45,239 Welcome to All Steve's Pals. 325 00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:47,079 Don't you forget about me... 326 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,999 Help yourselves to swimwear from the box. 327 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:51,119 Line them up! 328 00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:54,039 Don't, don't, don't, don't 329 00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:58,400 Don't you forget about me... 330 00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:01,520 BELL JINGLES 331 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:06,720 PHONE RINGS 332 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:11,039 Ken, you have to get down to All Steve's Pals now. 333 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:12,079 The partners are... 334 00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:14,599 Lorn, I can't talk now. The partners will be here any minute. 335 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:18,319 That's what I'm trying to tell you. The partners are here. 336 00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:20,719 What?! 337 00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:22,760 - Ken... - KEN GRUNTS 338 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:35,039 Excuse me! 339 00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:36,760 One, two, three, four... 340 00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:54,959 - Yeah! - Oi! 341 00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:56,879 Ken! You made it. What do you think? 342 00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:58,759 What do I think?! 343 00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:01,039 - GLASS SMASHES - I think I'm going to kill you, 344 00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:02,439 and not as in a figure of speech. 345 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:03,639 Like, actually kill you! 346 00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:06,039 One of the most important nights of my professional life, 347 00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:08,639 and you have kidnapped my colleagues. 348 00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:10,039 Kidnapped is a strong word... 349 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:12,600 You've kidnapped them and you've brought them to this... 350 00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:15,679 ... quite nice bar. 351 00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:18,280 Ken, take a deep breath and drink this. 352 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:23,359 Yeah, your colleagues are here. Look, they're having a great time. 353 00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:25,759 Look, Sandeep's got his tie on his head, 354 00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:28,919 Adrian's vaping, and I'm pretty sure Noel has done a pill. 355 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:30,919 They've had free drinks all night, 356 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:33,039 and I told them they were courtesy of you. 357 00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:35,399 Ken! Great night! 358 00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:37,799 - I can't believe you arranged all of this! - Well... 359 00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:39,119 We miss you, big guy. 360 00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:40,919 Come back to the firm! 361 00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:44,599 This might be the cocktails talking, but we need you back, Ken. 362 00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:47,119 (HE SOBS) We need you back. 363 00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:50,719 I haven't had an erection in three years, Ken. 364 00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:52,679 God, I love this song! 365 00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:55,959 MUSIC: Blue Monday by New Order 366 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,640 Come here, big guy. 367 00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:06,640 MUSIC: Midland Girls by Sugarcane 368 00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:23,080 Midland girl's gone to the south 369 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:33,480 She's painted up her eyes and her mouth 370 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:43,319 Oh, there she goes again... 371 00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:46,119 DALE: Rachel! 372 00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:49,079 (HE PANTS) Please don't go. 373 00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:50,999 Oh. You found it? 374 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,440 - Is this... ? - Yep. 375 00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:56,119 Rachel Thompson, will you... ? 376 00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:58,399 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 377 00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:00,959 OK. Just FYI, I was going to say, "... marry me?" 378 00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:04,119 Yeah, I know you were. Dale, I am not ready for marriage. 379 00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:05,439 We are not ready. 380 00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:08,599 OK, but that doesn't mean you have to leave. 381 00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:10,639 I have to. 382 00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:12,319 I want you to be happy. 383 00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:16,159 You've put everything into your life here, the bar... 384 00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:19,519 The bar? I was only doing that for you. 385 00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:21,599 Why would I want a beach bar in Lichfield? 386 00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:22,759 Ken said. 387 00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:25,279 He told me I should show you that I can be a provider 388 00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:26,799 and take care of you. 389 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:30,239 That's... that's terrible advice! 390 00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:33,279 Yeah, I'm starting to see that now. 391 00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:37,359 Rachel, my only dream is being with you, 392 00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:40,599 and if that means moving to Sierra Leone, then great. 393 00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:43,719 - Really? - Yes, really. 394 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:46,159 I'm coming with you, Rach, 395 00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:47,320 if you want me to. 396 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:50,319 - Yeah. - Yeah? 397 00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:52,399 - Yeah! - OK! 398 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:54,319 Let me pack. 399 00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:55,800 Done! 400 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,999 Come on, let's get a cocktail. I can pack later. 401 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:05,999 There's a new bar I want to check out. 402 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,679 Apparently some hot American barman works there. 403 00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:11,039 Yeah, probably not a good idea for me to visit 404 00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:13,199 a rival bar on opening night. 405 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:16,719 Oh, I got it, you're talking about All Steve's Pals. 406 00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:19,559 - I'm talking about All Steve's Pals. - OK, yeah, let's go! 407 00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:22,279 - THEY LAUGH - Woohoo! 408 00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:24,120 OK, Lorna, here we go. 409 00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:32,759 Having a good time, Jane? 410 00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:33,839 I'm shitfaced. 411 00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:36,039 Yay! 412 00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:41,759 Listen, Ken, I've seen the way the partners are with you... 413 00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:44,599 it might be good if you were to come back. 414 00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:47,079 What?! Are you serious?! 415 00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:50,159 But I need to know you'll be loyal. 416 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:52,519 You'll have to respect my authority, 417 00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:56,879 and I can't have you outside the tent pissing in. 418 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:58,719 I won't. I promise. 419 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:00,319 I promise I won't piss inside the tent. 420 00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:02,439 I'll piss miles away from the tent. 421 00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:03,759 You won't even notice my piss. 422 00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:05,079 Stop saying piss, Ken. 423 00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:07,519 There is one condition, though. 424 00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:11,439 If I do let you back in, I'll look weak. 425 00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:15,239 I need you to show you're loyal in front of the others. 426 00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:16,639 Right. 427 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,159 Bend the knee. 428 00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:19,479 What? 429 00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:21,079 It's not Game Of Thrones, mate. 430 00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:23,959 Get on your knees, beg for your old job back, 431 00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:28,000 let the partners see, and then we all get what we want. 432 00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:35,119 No. No, no, no, no! 433 00:21:35,120 --> 00:21:36,680 You are not begging to this... 434 00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:40,679 Help me, Dylan, you're good at horrible insults. 435 00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:43,239 - Bitch? - Yeah, this bitch! 436 00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:46,159 No, I'm so sorry about my wife. She appears to be hammered. 437 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:47,959 No, Ken. I've had enough of this... 438 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:49,039 Dog's dick? 439 00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:51,559 ... dog's dick treating you like you're not good enough. 440 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,359 Now, you listen to me. 441 00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:55,691 - My husband's a... - Ten foot bell-end? 442 00:21:55,699 --> 00:21:56,720 - No. - Do you want to... ? 443 00:21:56,720 --> 00:22:01,359 My husband's a great man, and he doesn't need you, Jane, 444 00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:04,399 and he doesn't need your bloody twatty little firm! 445 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:05,999 - He needs... - Statins? 446 00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:08,640 He needs to chase his dreams. 447 00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:11,920 He's starting his own firm. 448 00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:14,679 Am I? 449 00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:16,360 Yes. Yes, Ken. 450 00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:20,079 Yes. 451 00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:22,239 Yes, I am! 452 00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:24,639 I'm not standing for this. 453 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:26,039 Auf Wieders-Jane. 454 00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,399 - Yeah! - Oi! That's MY one. 455 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:30,679 See you later, you Jane in the arse! 456 00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:32,839 Yeah! 457 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:34,759 Yeah. 458 00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:37,679 I am. I am starting my own firm! 459 00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:40,599 - I love you, Ken. - I am! 460 00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:43,199 Right, drinks are on the house. 461 00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:45,159 CHEERING 462 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:49,639 One round of the house special cocktail, the Flaming Ken. 463 00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:50,759 ALL: Ooh! 464 00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:52,119 Flaming Ken? 465 00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:55,519 It's tall. It's fiery. It's got balls. 466 00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:56,799 - Cheers, mate. - Big balls. 467 00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:58,439 Balls you can hold in your hand. 468 00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:00,399 Balls that get the job done. 469 00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:03,439 The best damn balls in the whole of Ballstown. 470 00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:05,319 Fuck off. 471 00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:07,519 Flame up! 472 00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:08,919 Oh! 473 00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:11,439 - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Yeah! 474 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:13,519 Is it a good idea to have so many naked flames 475 00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:15,680 in a largely bamboo bar, Steve? 476 00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:23,639 That really spread. 477 00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:26,160 That fire's fucking beautiful, man. 478 00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:29,719 Oh, thank God. Get in there quick! 479 00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:32,999 Oh, they're not real firemen, Ken. They're strippers. 480 00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,719 Thanks for coming anyway, guys. Ah! Ooh-rah! 481 00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:38,079 They do this amazing routine with a hosepipe and a glove. 482 00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:41,159 Never mind that, your bar's on fire! 483 00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:46,479 You know, All Steve's Pals, Ken, it was never going to work, 484 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:49,599 so I decided to "accidentally" burn the place down. 485 00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:52,599 The insurance pay-out on this baby is going to be huge. 486 00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:55,759 But you went to so much effort to make the place work. 487 00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:57,999 Deniability, Lorna, deniability. 488 00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,239 I mean, what kind of nutbag goes to all that effort 489 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:01,879 just to burn the place down on purpose? 490 00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:04,719 My God, you're a psychopath. 491 00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:06,639 Oh, thank you, Ken. 492 00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:08,359 Coming from you, that means a lot. 493 00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:09,440 Oh... 494 00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:11,599 What happened? 495 00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:14,839 Ask this bloody idiot and his Flaming Kens! 496 00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:16,959 I'm so sorry, Dale. 497 00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:20,279 I'm OK. It's just weirdly sad seeing months of hard work 498 00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:22,880 literally go up in flames. 499 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:25,239 Oh, well. 500 00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:27,239 Got to keep smiling, right? 501 00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:30,479 Oh, Chief Ken, me and Rach, we're going to Sierra Leone. 502 00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:32,719 - What? You're going to Africa? - Yeah. 503 00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:34,079 And at what point did you think, 504 00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:36,159 "Oh, I don't know, I might tell my bloody dad"?! 505 00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:37,199 It was very sudden. 506 00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:39,119 Also, I took your advice and proposed, 507 00:24:39,120 --> 00:24:41,319 - but we're not getting married. - Yeah, thanks for that, Dad. 508 00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:44,119 Life coaching definitely isn't your forte. Don't quit the day job. 509 00:24:44,120 --> 00:24:45,479 Funny you should say that, Rach. 510 00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:47,679 He literally has just quit his day job! 511 00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:48,759 - What? - What? 512 00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:50,999 (Right. Well, a) I don't know why YOU'RE laughing 513 00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:53,759 because you were VERY active in that decision, and, 514 00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:56,919 (b) my actual advice was to get a job before you get married. 515 00:24:56,920 --> 00:24:59,599 But instead you went into business with a maniac, 516 00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:04,079 you opened a cocktail bar, and now your cocktail bar is on fire. 517 00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:06,839 It's probably best that I'm not part of the family quite yet. 518 00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:08,080 Dale... 519 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:10,919 No, you are. 520 00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:15,520 You ARE part of the family, this weird, messed-up family. 521 00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:20,679 Fucking hell. 522 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:23,399 You guys are still getting paid. Come on! 523 00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:24,719 Oh, no. 524 00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:27,439 Aw... Our family together. 525 00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:29,199 Mum. Dylan? 526 00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:31,479 - COLLAPSING BUILDING CRUNCHES - Oh. 527 00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:33,639 Yep, everything's fine. 528 00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:35,799 - Come on, lads! - CHEERING 529 00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:37,839 MUSIC: Modern Love by David Bowie 530 00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:40,639 I know when to go out 531 00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:43,559 And when to stay in 532 00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:44,959 Get things done... 533 00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:48,639 CHEERING 534 00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:51,319 I catch a paper boy 535 00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:54,079 But things don't really change 536 00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:56,679 I'm standing in the wind 537 00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:59,160 But I never wave bye-bye 538 00:26:02,360 --> 00:26:05,719 But I try 539 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:07,280 I try 540 00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:15,399 There's no sign of life 541 00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:17,999 It's just the power to charm 542 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,719 I'm lying in the rain 543 00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:23,040 But I never wave bye-bye 544 00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:28,240 But I try 545 00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:31,200 I try 546 00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:36,999 Never going to fall for Modern love 547 00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:39,679 Walks beside me Modern love 548 00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:42,239 Walks on by Modern love 549 00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:46,119 Gets me to the church on time 550 00:26:46,120 --> 00:26:47,599 Church on time 551 00:26:47,600 --> 00:26:50,119 Terrifies me Church on time 552 00:26:50,120 --> 00:26:52,719 Makes me party Church on time 553 00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:56,759 Puts my trust in God and man 554 00:26:56,760 --> 00:27:01,760 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com - 555 00:27:01,810 --> 00:27:06,360 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 40126

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