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Okay, Mom, this is the tree I want.

Oh. Well, then this is the one we'll get.

So, go find that guy with the neck tattoo

and tell him to help us.

But don't go in the trailer with him.

I made that mistake last yr.

Merry Christmas. Ho, ho, ho.

Look at you all dressed up.

You're so... oblivious to the weather. Mm...

Don't you just love Christmas?

It is my favorite time of year.

I wish it would snow.

It's 90 degrees out.

The only cloud in the sky is from the brush fires

burning out of control in Granada Hills.

Aren't you hot?

A little bit.

But Christmas is about bundling up,

drinking hot cocoa by the fire...

And... I think I should probably sit.

I might be having a tiny heat stroke.

God, I'm... I'm so glad she's back in my life.

She's just so full of joy and positive energy.

Isn't she... A freak?

No. I was gonna say fantastic.

Oh, yeah, fantastic.

I can't remember why we broke up.

She just makes me feel so... Stupid?

No, special.

Oh, yeah. Special.

Hey, where did you guys get those snow cones?

Some elves were selling them at the entrance,

along with sunscreen and beach umbrellas.

Gosh, I should put on sunscreen.

I got a terrible burn at Thanksgiving.

Hey, I know it's not our turn,

but is it okay if we take Ritchie this weekend?

Sure. Why?

It's the 15th of December,

the beginning of Kinderclausen.

What the hell is Kinderclausen?

It's the way New Christine's family celebrates Christmas.

It comes from the Old Country.

It's just like normal Christmas that normal people have,

except it comes ten days earlier, and it's weird.

It's not weird, Richard.

It's lovely, and now that we're going to be starting a family,

I want to share my traditions with Ritchie.

I want him to taste his first bison.

I want him to hang apples and herring on the door

so that Sinder-Pa will know he's a worthy boy.

Uh, who the hell is Sinder-Pa?

In the old fables, he's ter-Ma's husband.

I told you it was weird.

She's doing a whole thing at her house.

Is it all right if Ritchie goes over there with me?

Oh, yeah, sure. I mean, Mathew and I are

going to be busy with our own holiday celebrations anyway.

Yeah, she means sitting on the couch,

avoiding Mom and Dad's drunken phone calls,

waiting for our Bior? strips to dry.

Well, it's better than Kinderschnauzer and Santa-Poo.

It's Kinderclausen and Sinder-Pa.

Oh, yes, of course, because my way was ridiculous.

You guys, look!

It's snowing.

It's a Christmas miracle!

Oh, no, no, no! That's not snow.

That's ash from the brush fires.

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Well, it'll look pretty after we decorate it.

Ah, who are we kidding? We're never going to decorate it.

We're eating out of our earthquake kit,

'cause we're too lazy to go over to the fridge and get real food.

Yeah, and we won't get around to throwing this away until Easter.

Or as New Christine probably calls it, "Bunnyflausian."

Oh, company. Hide!

Hello? Anybody home?

Oh, hi, Lucy.

Sorry. We thought you were the neighbors. Oh.

Why are you hiding from the neighbors?

Because they're having a holiday block party tonight,

and if they think we're home, they're going to invite us.

Yeah, we don't like to be invited to things.

We have too much fun on our own.

CHRISTINE: Plus, you know what?

Neighborhood parties open up a very dangerous door.

I mean, once we go to that,

then suddenly you're invited to the Fourth of July parade

and the meetings about speed bumps and the child CPR classes.

I mean, I avoid all that stuff at Ritchie's school.

I can't do it at home, too.

You know what I mean?

I'm too busy.

I'm so friendly with my neighbors.

I just love that sense of community.

It makes me feel so safe.

Well, until the old man on the corner asked me

if I wanted to see his penis.

I said no, 'cause I'd already seen a penis.

It is a kind of weird, Christine.

I mean, you've been living here for five years;

you've never met any of them.

Well, we'll meet them at the next earthquake.

We're going to need food and water,

'cause we just ate our whole emergency kit.

You guys, what about the Christmas spirit, huh?

What would Santa say if he saw you hiding here

in your house, with an undecorated tree,

avoiding your neighbors?

Yeah, I think Santa already wrote me off

when I went into that trailer with the Christmas tree guy.

I was a bit of a ho-ho-ho.

Santa doesn't write anybody off, okay,

no matter how disgusting they are.

Now, come on!

Let's go join the neighbors for some Christmas cheer.

Look, you've got three unopen bottles of wine on the counter.

Oh, oh, no, no, no, that's not for sharing.

That's for emergencies.

I mean, what if there's an earthquake?

Oh, wow!

Mmm! Smells so good in here.

It smells like...

What is that, meat?

Help me find the meat, Matthew.

Must that be your first line

every time we walk into a party or a bar?

Matthew, look, eggnog.

Don't let me drink too much.

You might get to unwrap your present early.

I think she's my present.

God, why did I ever break up with that woman?

Hello. I'm Jeanie.

This is my party.

I don't know you.

Oh, I'm your neighbor from across the street.

Oh, you live in the gray house?

Actually it's blue, but aah, stuff happened.

My husband and I have been trying to talk to you for years.

We even came over there a couple of times,

but every time we walked across the lawn,

the sprinklers went off.

Oh, yeah, sorry. I've got those on a motion detector.

There've been so many theories about you.

That you were in the witness protection program.

That you were in an iron lung. Oh.

There's a couple of people who actually thought

you were a prostitute.

Oh!

Hey, Susan! Susan, look who took the night off.

Hi, Susan, hi.

No, no, no, I'm not a prostitute.

Look at you.

You are stunning.

What are you, French?

No. I'm jealous. I hate you.

Oh, come on. There are plenty of other good reasons to hate me.

Honey, come here. I want you to meet someone.

You're not going to believe this.

Guess who this is. I'll give you a hint:

The house the kids are afraid of.

Oh, my gosh, gray house! Yeah!

Can you believe it?

Oh, well, it's Christine, actually,

But you can call me anything you want

if you show me where you're hiding that meat.

Christine, this is my husband, Josh.

Hi. Hi.

It is nice to meet you in person. Oh, thank you.

I have to apologize to you.

My dog's drawn to your yard.

It's almost like you got a pet cemetery there.

Oh, no, I don't, I don't know about that.

Look at us. We're so rude.

Honey, go get Christie a drink.

Unless, of course, you don't drink, which is fine,

but we drink.

We like to drink... a lot.

Well, since I'm not driving,

I suppose you could bring me a lot, too.

Ritchie, are you excited for your first Kinderclausen?

- I guess. - You guess?

Maybe you didn't notice that Sinder-Pa left you a nice gift

underneath the Kinderclausen ladder.

Oh, no, not that one.

That's for the baby.

No, no, not that one, either. That's for the baby.

Nope, that's for the baby, too.

Sinder-Pa knew that Ritchie was coming, right?

Of course.

Sinder-Pa has six eyes. He sees everything.

Ritchie, yours is the one wrapped in burlap,

next to the baby's pile.

I hope it's an Xbox 360.

Oh, no, Ritchie.

The gifts can't be store bought.

Only the baby gets new things, because it represents new life.

But as the oldest child,

your gifts are homemade,

so they really come from the heart.

What is it?

It's a sweater. I made it myself.

Some of my own hair is in that sweater.

It's disgusting.

It's tradition, unless you're the baby.

Why is everything for the baby?

Because it's a baby.

Babies are wonderful.

I mean, teenagers are wonderful, too.

They're like old babies with braces.

Well, I'm sick of the baby.

Even Sinder-Pa loves the baby more.

Sinder-Pa does not love the baby more.

Sinder-Pa loves everyone the same.

What the hell am I doing?

This is the worst Kinderclausen ever!

He's not wrong.

I feel terrible.

Oh, he's just having a hard time.

He's 13 years old.

He's been an only child

and the center of everyone's world his whole life.

This baby's going to be a huge change for him.

Maybe I should just go get him an Xbox.

No! Then Kinderclausen would be just like Christmas.

Everybody singing songs and making wishes

and having those wishes come true.

And what's wrong with that?

Well, if we do that,

we might as well give up the rest of the holiday, too.

The walnuts in the shoes to ensure prosperity,

the midnight arrival of the "rhinedeer."

You mean reindeer?

No, rhinedeer.

Just give me one more chance to make this work.

There's a tradition for the oldest child

that I think is really going to make Ritchie feel special.

It would have to be a Kinderclausen miracle.

Oh, I swear, I don't know why I avoided you guys for so long.

I guess I'm just kind of a private person, you know?

Oh, yeah, I was going to ask you.

Do you think you'll ever get curtains in your bathroom?

Our teenage son is at that age.

He gets it from his dad.

Even though I'm no longer getting it from his dad.

I can't even get this one under the mistletoe.

You guys, that is my exact kind of humor.

You look like you need a little more wine, my darling.

Oh, well, you get me that wine, you might just get that kiss.

Ooh!

Hey, Matthew, why have I wasted so much time

avoiding these wonderful people?

They're as funny as I am.

Yeah, you really make me laugh.

Why was I so afraid to get hurt

that I broke up with Lucy for no good reason?

Why do we choose to be alone when we could choose to be

a part of something bigger than ourselves, you know,

part of a community, part of a relationship?

From now on, I am going to be a great neighbor.

And I am going to be a great boyfriend.

Oh, finally.

Our Christmas miracle.

Oh, look... mistletoe.

All right, everybody, we're gonna get ready

to go Christmas caroling.

Take a songbook; there you go...

Oh, honey, you don't have a coat.

Listen, why don't you run into my bedroom and borrow something.

Okay.

The red one has a flask in the pocket.

Oh! We have the exact same taste in clothes.

Crap.

Hey, Matthew...

I have a big problem.

Oh, thank God.

Hey, listen. It's okay.

We're gonna take it one day at a time,

and we will buy an island with the money we save on wine.

Shut up.

I don't have a drinking problem.

I just saw Jeannie's husband kissing another woman.

Ugh! What are we going to do?

Exactly what we did when we saw Dad kissing Mr. Halverson.

Stay out of it.

But we're a community.

We take care of each other.

If my husband were kissing another woman,

I would want to know.

You don't have a husband.

I'm gonna tell her. Poor thing.

You know, I should have left her a little bit of this.

Hey, Jeannie?

I have to talk to you.

Have you seen Josh? I can't find him anywhere.

He's supposed to be giving out parts.

Oh... he's giving out parts.

Sometis I don't get your jokes.

Listen, Jeannie, um, as your neighbor,

I think there's something you should know.

I just saw Josh kissing another woman.

What?! I know.

I-I hated to be the bearer of bad news,

but I know that if the situation were reversed,

you would tell me.

Except you don't have a husband.

Are you mad at me for telling you?

No, of course not.

You did the neighborly thing.

But it's Christmas.

We can't let a little infidelity stop us.

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

All right, who wants to go caroling?

God bless her.

Only a real drinker could shove her feelings down like that.

Okay, Ritchie...

I have something that I think is going to cheer you up.

I didn't tell you the best part of Kinderclausen.

As the eldest child, you have a very special honor.

You get to name the baby.

Cool.

Uh, what?

Uh, no... no, I'm not sure that's a great idea.

Which is surprising, since this Kinderclausen holiday

seems so chock-full of great ideas.

No, Richard, it's tradition.

The eldest child is considered

the most special member of the family.

I am? Yes.

So if you want to go and think about it...

No, no, no-- I already know what I want to name the baby.

Oh, great.

Okay, place one hand on my belly,

close your eyes, and scream it to the north.

I hereby name the baby...

Xbox 360!

What?! No, no, you can't name the baby Xbox 360.

New Christine said I could.

And he just did.

You can't take it back, once the eldest names the baby.

: The baby's name is Xbox 360.

? Hark, thed angels sing ?

? Glory to... ?

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Everyone, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Someone is flat.

Oh. Really?

Wow. I thought that sounded pretty good.

No, I definitely heard it.

Somewhere in this area.

What? Me?

Oh, no. I'm not flat.

I have perfect pitch.

Yeah, I come from a really musical family.

In fact, my brother and I

have been compared to Donny and Marie,

except he's a little bit country

and I'm a little bit more rock and roll.

Well, maybe at the next house,

you can just mouth the words,

and we'll see what that sounds like.

: ? Hark, the heral-- ?

No.

: ? Hark the her-- ?

: ? Silent night ?

? Holy... ?

LUCY: Oh, my God.

Is this somebody's idea of a joke?

I think so. It's not a great joke.

It's disgusting.

It offends me to my very core.

They're making Santa look like a fool.

He doesn't surf.

What if the real Santa saw this?

Real Santa? Lucy, what are you talking about?

It's a week before Christmas.

This is crunch time, okay?

This is when he's finalizing his list.

Now is not the time to be mocking him.

Uh, I have a question.

Lucy, do you believe in Santa?

What are you asking me?

I'm asking, do you believe there's a jolly old man

who lives at the North Pole and delivers presents

in a reindeer-powered sled to all the children?

No.

Okay.

Only good children.

Oh, my God... I think I just remembered

why we broke up the last time.

Me, too.

You're cynical.

No. You're too tall.

Dress funny. Kiss with your eyes open.

No, no, no, it's not me, it's you-- you're too crazy.

Why am I too crazy?

Because I believe in a being higher than myself?

Yes, if that being shakes when he laughs

like a bowl full of jelly.

Matthew, I don't want to live in a world

where there's no Santa.

Lucky for you, you don't live in that world.

Oh, bummer.

Jeannie, Jeannie, uh, can I talk to you just for a second?

All right, make it quick,

'cause I have a solo at this next house.

Oh, okay.

You know, all of a sudden, it seems like

you've got a problem with me,

and I'm pretty sure it's not because of my singing abilities.

Are you mad because of that thing I told you

about your husband?

No, I'm mad because you spend one night with us

and you think you know what's going on in this neighborhood.

These relationships have been developed

over many years, Christine.

See, we've been together through four earthquakes,

seven break-ins, one arson, a mini-riot--

this is a good community.

No, no, no, I wasn't trying to do anything.

I mean, I was just telling you what I saw.

You don't know what you saw.

There's a lot that goes on that you don't understand.

So you need to just sit back and get to know people first

before you start spreading hurtful gossip.

Maybe you're right. I'm sorry.

Just... when I-I saw your husband's tongue

go down that lady's throat,

I just jumped to conclusions.

It's the holiday season.

People drink too much, there's mistletoe.

My goodness, not everything means something.

Maybe I misread the situation.

I'm-I'm really sorry.

All right.

Well, thanks for saying that.

I really appreciate that.

God, Christine, you were so judgy.

I'm just not that kind of person.

You thought I was a prostitute.

All right, you got me; I'm totally that kind of person.

I want to tell you what I think of your brother's girlfriend

so badly it's killing me.

Can we just start over?

Does that still mean I can be a part of the neighborhood?

Of course!

Oh. And I think when you spend some time with us,

you'll really see what we're all about.

Oh, good, good!

Oh, bummer.

Okay, Ritchie, the thing about being in a family

is that you need to take everyone's needs

into consideration and be flexible.

So we're modifying Kinderclausen.

Forgive me, nter-ma.

Oh, my God.

Xbox 360!

So here's the deal--

pick a new name for the baby and you get the Xbox.

Because whatever youose this time is going to stick.

Okay.

I name it...

Paintball Gun!

That's it!

Kinderclausen is oicially over.

I am never leaving this house again.

And I'm gonna die alone.

You know, it's a really messed-up world

when we are the two most normal people in it.

Lucy was so sure Santa was real.

She's such a...

Freak? Yeah.

Santa?

It's either that or rats

chewing through the wiring in the attic.

Rats.

rry Christmas, tthew.

Merry Christmas, Christine.

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