All language subtitles for Are.You.Being.Served.S10E03.The.Hold.Up

(cash register rings)

(jazzy upbeat theme music)

♫ Ground floor: perfumery,
stationary, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware and food

♫ Going up...

♫ First floor: telephones,
gents' ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties,
hats, underwear, and shoes

♫ Going up...

♫ Second floor: carpets,
travel books, and bedding

♫ Material, soft furnishing,
restaurants, and teas

♫ Going down...

- Mr. Humphries, Mr. Spooner,

have you nearly finished you stock-taking?

- [Humphries] Mmm.

- Ugh. (sighs)

You're supposed to count
them, not measure them!

- Well there's no label on it,

we've gotta know what size they are!

- Yes, now this inside leg is 28.

- Yes.

- And this inside leg's 15.

- Ay?

(audience laughs)

- Well that can't be right.

- Right, it can't--

Oh, of course, it's all
coming back to me now!

It was a special order
by a Welsh sheep farmer

that lived on the side
of a very steep hill.

(audience laughs)

He forgot to collect them.

- Yes, extraordinary.

- It's, uh, nearly seven
o'clock, so I'm leaving.

Mr. Harman will let you all
out with his master key.

- I thought you wanted to
check these figures tonight?

- Well, the morning will have to do.

My wife expects me home
at a reasonable hour.

- Are you sure taking me
home won't make you late?

- No, no, that's all right.

- You don't live anywhere
near Miss Belfridge.

- Well, knowing I was going to be late,

I borrowed me mother's
motorbike and sidecar

to give you a lift home.

- Well Mr. Humphries,

I thought you were
completely the other way.

(audience laughs)

- Ignore the rumors, it'll be a pleasure.

(audience chuckles)

- No, no, no, I insist.
I'll see you all on Monday.

Come along, Miss Belfridge.

Don't forget to lock up, Mr. Harman!

Oh, by the way everybody,
I'm glad that the custom of

playing practical jokes on
management on stock-taking

night has been discontinued.

- We are far to tired for that, sir.

- Sir!

As you're going straight home, I suppose

you won't be wanting the
two tickets I bought for you

for the back row of the
Continental Cinema tonight?

- I didn't hear that.

- (Louder) I said you won't
want them seats for the cinema--

- Mr. Harmon, check the
alarm systems and lock up

before you go home.

- Yes sir.

- It's amazing the trouble a
bottle of peroxide can cause.

(audience laughs)

- She's only going because
she's up for a raise.

- How do you know?

(audience laughs)

- I recommended her
for it. (clears throat)

- Oh you men, you live in a dream world!

Those girls only use you to get on.

- Mrs. Slocombe, do I have
to remind you what clinched

your senior position
on the ladies' counter?

- I was the right age, I was very keen,

and I was ready for it.

(audience laughs)

- All I know is Mr. Grace's face

when you came down from his office.

(audience laughs)

- I'm not staying here to
be insulted! I'm going home.

(elevator bell chimes)

- Psst, psst.

(audience laughs)

- What is it?

- What's going on?

- We're being robbed.

- What do you mean?

- There's two blokes going
through the safe in Accounts.

- (Loudly) Oh, it's probably
the staff up there--

- (Shushes)

- (quieter) --doing stock
taking like we are down here.

- Yeah, but they'd use the key.

These blokes have got
oxy-acetylene blowlamps.

(audience laughs)

- Good heavens, we must ring the police!

- Yeah, but the only outside
line's in Mr. Rumbold's office.

- But they can't get out of
the building without the keys.

- Well how did they get in?

- What are we gonna do?

- Well, all the doors are locked.

Now, if we could catch
them ourselves, well,

it would be quite a feather in our caps.

- No, feathers don't suit me,

I think we should phone the police.

(audience laughs)

- All of a sudden I've
got to spend a penny.

- I'm afraid all the loos is locked.

- Well, give me the
key, it's an emergency!

- Well, you can use the
executive one, but hurry!

- Okay, that's the one on the ring there.

- Thank you!

- Well, I'm all for having
a go. Only two, you say?

- Yes.

- Well there's four of us men.

- Three. I'm against violence.

(audience laughs)

- Now, they obviously think
the building is empty,

and we have the element
of surprise, and well,

they're probably a lot more
frightened than we are.

- Oh yeah. (laughs)

They're both over six feet tall,

and built like brick chicken houses.

(audience laughs)

- On the other hand, phoning the police

would be the correct thing to do.

- Oh look at the lift, it must be them,

what are we gonna do, they'll find--

- Get behind the counter,
quick, come on, everybody.

Come on, come on, come on!

- Now look, I don't want
anybody to do anything brave

or reckless until I give the word.

(elevator bell dings)
- Don't worry, we won't.

(audience laughs)

- This job's a piece of cake.

- Yeah, all we need to do now
is have a kip til they open,

and then just walk out, hehehe.

- Maybe there's a safe
down here we could crack.

- We've run out of acetylene.

- Well, it's worth a look around.

We could always chuck it out the window.

That usually opens 'em.

- (laughs)

(audience laughs)

- I told you they was big.

- They look a right pair of ruffians.

- Not the sort of gentlemen
you could reason with.

(audience laughs)

- If we jump on them from
behind, it might surprise them.

- It might amaze them! I don't think--

(audience laughs)

- Well what are we gonna do?

We can't stay down here all night, can we?

- Well, why don't we creep along,

and lock 'em in Rumbold's office?

- Well, they might be coming
out the door when we get there.

- Oh yeah.

- I used to be very handy with my dukes.

I used to fight for 10 bob a night

at the old Blackfriars ring.

- Do you mean that you're
volunteering to go lock them in?

- Don't be fiver, that was 40 years ago!

I'm just remembering
how handy I used to be.

(audience laughs)

- Who's coming?

- Hello?

(audience laughs)

Where is everybody?

- [All] Sssssh!

(audience laughs)

- Ooh!

(audience laughs)

Are those men still upstairs?

- No, get down here quickly.

- Why?

- Because they're in Rumbold's
office. Down here, come on.

- I've got to spend another penny!

(audience laughs)

- Get here, quickly!

- Oh, what are they
like? Have you seen them?

- They're both over seven
foot tall, and mean with it.

- Mmm.

- What will they do to
us if they catch us?

- Keep quiet, and they won't.

(audience laughs)

- If they seek Mrs. Slocombe's
handbag on the carrel

that wasn't there when they came down,

they'll know someone's about.

- Humphries, get the bag.

(audience laughs)

- No, no, me legs have gone on strike!

- Spooner, it's up to you.

- Why me? Why can't you go?

- Because I'm not quite
as agile as I used to be.

- You'll need a better reason than that.

- If they catch Captain Peacock,

I mean it's obvious he's
a high-up in the firm,

they might sort of hold him as a hostage

if it comes to a
shoot-out with the police.

- That's a good point, Harman.

- And whereas you, Mr.
Spooner, you look a mere boy.

I mean, they'll just cross you,

and dump you in the fitting room.

(audience laughs)

- That settles it. I'm staying put!

- Oh I'll go meself.

- No, don't, Betty,
I'll go, you stay here.

- Well, if they do catch you,

we'll all be on them like a flash.

[burglars mumbling]

- All we need I think to crack that safe

is a wire coat hanger.

- There'll be some behind that counter.

- [Shirley] Achoo!

- [Taller Burglar] Bless you!

- [Shorter Burglar] Wasn't me.

(audience laughs)

- Tell me, Harry, do you remember
seeing this dummy before?

- [Harry] They all look alike to me.

This one is very life-like.
And it's got a lovely handbag.

- Yeah. That would be a
nice present for the wife.

- Yeah.

- She could do with some stocking as well.

(Shirley shrieks)

(audience laughs)

- Come on everybody,
I've got them, come one!

(audience shrieks)

Where are you all?

- Fancy thinking we'd fall
for an old one like that.

Now what are you doing
here after closing time?

- I don't have to give
you anything other than

my name and number, and
my name is Miss Brahms,

and I'm assistant one-three-four.

- Well, assistant one-three-four,
you can keep us company

in the office while we open the safe.

(Shirley shrieks)

(Shirley screams repeatedly)

(audience laughs)

- Weak as water, the whole
lot of you, weak as water!

(audience laughs)

- I didn't see you leading the charge.

- I was waiting for your signal.

- Well, if we men had been
alone, we'd have gone in there,

but, well, we couldn't
risk your being involved.

- No, not a woman of your age.

- Look, they've got Miss
Brahms at their mercy,

they could be doing anything to her!

Ooh, I wish I'd gone in her place.

(audience laughs)

- I was just thinking that meself.

(audience laughs)

- (bangs counter) I've got an idea!

- Oh, about time, what is it?

- Well, that sort of villain
is always afraid of authority,

now, especially the police.

- But the police aren't here.

- No, but they don't know that.

And if I go in there, and say
that I'm a detective inspector

from Scotland Yard, well,

then I'm sure they'd give themselves up.

- Yes, but wouldn't it
be safer to just run out

and get a proper policeman?

- We can't. The master key for
the exit's in your handbag.

- Which is in the office.

- I think Stephen's plan might work.

There's only one thing
wrong with it, you see,

detectives always work in pairs.

- Mm.

- You look a little bit
old to be my assistant.

- Oh, I don't mean me, I mean him.

- I don't look like a policeman!

- No, but you're all we've got.

- Well, you have got that
Army manner. It might work.

And, I mean, we've got to
save Miss Brahms from being

at the mercy of those rough men.

I mean, they might even try to kiss her.

(audience laughs)

- Not while they're on the job.

- Well, that's what ruffians
do when they capture girls.

They force their attentions on them.

Oh, if only I'd gone in her place!

(audience laughs)

I'd've put up a real fight!
For quite a long time.

- Here, take this.

- What's that?

- It's my union card.
Just flash it briefly,

and they'll assume it's your CID ID.

- But what do I flash?

- Nothing.

(audience laughs)

Just look alert, and
pretend to take notes.

- Oh get on with it!

- Now what shall I wear?

- Mr. Spooner, get me a size
42 riding mack out of stock,

and some tweed hats and caps.

- Why a riding mack?

- Juliet Bravo never wears anything else!

(audience laughs)

- [Burglar] Boy, I hope there's something

worth having in here.

- What do you expect, the crown jewels?

(audience chuckles)

- Oh, just belt up.

- You'll never get away
with this, you know!

- Blimey, you never stop talking!

You're worse than my old woman.

More Rabbit than Sainsbury's.

(audience laughs)

- This is the police. The game's up.

Come out with your hands up.

- Don't tell 'em to come
out here, we're out here!

- Oh yes. Stay where you
are, two of us are coming in.

(audience laughs)

- Help, help, help, help!

(audience laughs)

Help, help, help, help!

- Nix! I'm too far to jump.
- Help, help, help, help!

- Help, help, help, help!
- Shut up!

I am detective inspector
Stephens, from Scotland Yard.

I arrest you for breaking and entering.

Uh, I warn you that anything
you say will be taken down

and may be used in evidence.

My assistant, Detective
Spooner, will release the girl.

- Should I put the cuffs on 'em?

- That will not be necessary.

- How about search them to
see if they're tolled up?

- Here!

- Just release the girl.

- All right, it's a fair
cop. Who blew the gaffe?

- We uh, we had a tip-off.

- Oh, I knew it. Was it the Gumby Gang?

- What do you boys know
about the Gumby Gang?

- We will interrogate them
later at the station, Spooner.

- That's all right, we'll talk.

- Oh good.

- They're the meanest,
heaviest mob in the underworld.

The law's never laid a finger on them.

- What's their description?

- Well, we've never
seen 'em, but apparently

they're led by old Pa Gumby,
and his mad maw Ma Gumby.

- Yeah. And they work with their stepson.

Italian Tony, the tootin' terror.

(audience laughs)

- Well, they was threatening
to move into our manor,

(muffled) so I reckon they
must've tipped you off

to get us out of the way.

- Well, as a matter of fact they did.

Spooner, take that
handbag down to forensics,

and have it examined for fingerprints.

- Yes, Captain Peacock.

- (makes scolding noise)

- Er, just a minute.

I thought you said your name was Stephens.

- Let's have another look at that card.

- It would be foolish to resist arrest.

(audience laughs)

- A longer look than that.

- It's a union card.

(audience laughs)

For packing and maintenance engineers.

(audience laughs)

Oh dear. You are in deep water, old son.

- Right out of your depth.

Impersonating a police
officer. (clicks tongue)

- Uh, look, if you let us
go, we won't say anything,

will we Mr. Spooner?

- Not a word!

- Get some more rope and
tie them to that cupboard.

- I must protest!

- If you do, we'll gag you.

- Wait, they've seen our
faces. They could identify us.

- I have no memory for faces!

- Me neither!

- I have! And when you're in
court, I'll come in there,

and I'll pick you out, and
you'll go down for life, you--

- Shut up!

- Please, be quiet Miss Brahms.

She's, she's only doing it to annoy you.

Now, I'll handle this.

Now, if I give you the key to
the exit, will you let us go?

- Oh, so you've got a
key, have you? Alright.

(loudly) Where is it?

(audience laughs)

- I'll get it.

- No, no, don't give it to them!

They mustn't get away with this!

- Miss Brahms, don't!

- There, you see, you've had it now.

Because the key was in there,
and now you can't get away,

and you'll have to stay here,
and the police will come,

and you'll be knicked! (triumphant cry)

(audience laughs)

- That was not a very
clever move, Miss Brahms.

- Follow me. I've got a plan.

- Come on.

- I think me legs have
gone on strike again!

(audience laughs)

Hup!

(cash register rings)

(hanger slams)

- 48 coat hangers.

(audience laughs)

And not a sign of getting it open.

- You're wasting your time. It's empty.

- Yeah, why don't you tie a
load of trousers together,

hang 'em out the window,
and escape while you can?

(hangers crash)

- Because we've got our chauffeur arriving

at one minute past nine in the morning.

You're not dealing with
rubbish here, you know.

- Gah. Why don't we just settle
down and have a nice kip?

(hanger crashes)

(audience chuckles)

- I don't like any of your ideas so far.

- What about this?

The one thing they're more
scared of than the law

is the Gumby Gang.

- How will that help us?

- Well, they've never seen 'em.

We disguise ourselves as
the villains and take over.

- Yes, but we still can't get out.

Miss Brahms threw the key away.

- Well, when we take over, we
can use the phone to get out.

- Mrs. Slocombe would
never pass as Mad Ma Gumby.

- Leave it to me. I know the look.

- Mad Ma Gumby

- (chuckles) I don't know, though.

(audience laughs)

(cash register rings)

(clock bell tolls)

- Hurry!

- I'm hurrying, I'm hurrying!

- (grunts) Oof.

(burglar snores)

(muffled panicked cries)

(shushes)

- We can escape while they're
asleep and hide in the cellar.

- (whispering) Come come,
quick quick quick quick.

(door opens)

- Ooh

(Shirley shrieks)
- Okay you guys, freeze!

(audience laughs)

- Here, who are you?

- Me? I'm Pa Gumby.

And me and my family are
taking over in your manor.

Okay Ma, I've got this lot covered.

- No, we don't no trouble
with you and Mad Ma Gumby.

(audience laughs and claps)

- (sultry voice) Did you say trouble?

You don't know the meaning of the word.

(audience laughs)

Say Pa, don't kill that
one. I kinda like his style.

(audience laughs)

Come down and see me sometime.

(audience laughs)

- Uh, don't you mean come up and see you?

- No. I live in the basement.

(audience laughs)

- No, no, we don't want no
violence, and we're not armed.

We was just doing a bit of petty thieving.

- Yeah, we don't mind if
you move in on our manor.

We'll split our share.

- Yeah, yeah.

- In fact, you can have all of it.

- Say, that's quite a lot of cabbage, Pa.

You count it, sugar, while
I call in our crazy son.

- Not ... Italian Tony?
The tootin' terror?

- The same.

- The very same.

- (together) The same!

- And uncontrollable
when there's a full moon.

And the full moon is tonight.

Okay Tony, you can come in now.

(audience laughs and shrieks)

(audience applauds)

- (singing) ♫ Hello Mama, hello Papa

♫ What we got here, is a whopper

(audience laughs)

(thick Italian accent)
What these bums are?

- Interlopers, They're
moving in on our manor, son.

- Oh, hold-a me back before
I give them what-a for.

- No! No, no, no, no Tony!

You know what happens
when you let yourself go.

- (mournfully) Oh Papa,
you are a spoilsport.

Who are these two creeps-a?

- They was posing as the law.

- Maybe we should chuck
'em outta the window.

- That warped son of
yours is off his rocker.

- Yeah, leave it out.

- If you kill us, you'll
never get into the safe.

- You said it was empty.

- I was lying to you. It is full of money.

All you need is a drill from
the electrical department.

- Okay son. You better
be telling the truth,

otherwise I'll sic Tony on ya.

- No, no, Papa, he is an old-a man-a.

I think he tell the truth.

- Okay you guys. Get down
to the electrical depot,

and get the drill.

- Right

By the way, there's a
rumor in the underworld

you're very keen on the girls.

- As long as it's only a rumor.

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, well. You can have
that one. She's all yours.

- No, no, I shall never give
in to an Italian whopper!

(audience laughs)

- We do have rumors in the underworld!

(audience laughs)

- I'm proud to meet you, Tony.

In the underworld, you're a legend.

- Ooh, they'll be talking about you soon.

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, he's definitely one of us.

If ever you need a couple
of good blokes behind ya--

- You'll be the first to know.

(audience laughs)

Okay fellas, get-a to your drill.

- If it wasn't for your old man,

I think you and me could
make music together.

- Pity I sold the piano.

(audience laughs)

- (normal voice) Ooh
goodness, they've gone,

I thought me legs were going to go again.

- Ooh! Well, we fooled 'em.

- Yeah, but how are we
gonna get out of here?

- I'm telephoning the police.

Hello, police.

Yes, it's urgent, it doesn't
matter which station!

My number? Extension
214, Grace Brothers, yes.

- Quick, they're coming!

- Quick, look like you're doing something.

- Well what should I do?

- Live up to your
reputation, give her a kiss.

- You think they'll believe me?

(audience laughs)

- I don't know, but I'm not used to this--

- Shut up!
- No!

(audience laughs)

- The steel doors was down,

so we couldn't get into the drills.

- (laughs) I see Tony's
going through true to form.

- [Burglar] Yeah! Living
up to his reputation.

- Yeah, and that's only
just chatting her up.

(audience laughs)

- I've got an idea.

- Well, treat it gently,
it's in a strange place.

(audience laughs)

- Now look, I will telephone the man

who has the key to the safe, and tell him

that if he doesn't bring them down here,

he'll never see me again.

- Here's the phone. And
don't do anything fancy,

just keep the dialog legit, savvy?

- Savvy.

(dial whirring)

(phone rings)

- Aaah!

(audience laughs)

Who is this? It's after midnight!

- [Peacock] It's Captain Peacock, sir.

- What do you mean by ringing me at home?

- Sir, I'm in your office
with five desperate criminals.

If you don't get down here
with the keys to your safe,

you'll never see me again.

- What are you talking about?

(audience laughs)

I've only got my teacup
and biscuits in that safe.

- As much money as that?

Well, you better get down here in a hurry.

- Give it to me.

(sultry voice) And don't
spill the beans to the fuzz,

or it's curtains for the Captain.

- Mrs. Slocombe, what are you playing at?

(audience laughs)

- Slocombe? I never heard of
the dame. Now get on over here.

- Here, let me have a go.

Mr. Rumbold, it's true.

There's me and Captain
Peacock, Mr. Spooner,

we've been held prisoners in your office.

Oh please, you've got to get here quickly!

- I won't forget this poor practical joke.

Oh, I knew stock-taking
night wouldn't go by

without something like this happening.

Just don't do it again!

(slams receiver down)

- He's hung up!

- Well that's torn it. What do we do now?

- I got it.

You go get a trolley,

there's bound to be one by the goods lift,

and then when the store
opens in the morning,

we'll just walk out as cool as a cucumber.

- Oh, mine papa, you got-a the brains.

- I've got to, ain't I?

- (together) Right.

- (normal voice) Quick, phone the police.

(phone rings)

Men's Wear.

(audience laughs)

- So, Mr. Humphies, you're there as well.

- Look, Mr. Rumbold, look,
we're in your office,

and there are burglars here.

Now for goodness' sake, get the police!

- (Normal voice) Give it to me.

Mr. Rumbold, you've got
to come and get us out.

We're in danger!

- Oh don't be silly.

Anyway, Mr. Harman has
a key, you can get out.

- Yeah, but Miss Brahms has
thrown it out of the window!

- They're coming back!

- Here we are. This should do the trick.

Right.

(both grunting)

- (sultry voice) Hold
it right there, boys.

I like a bit of muscle.

(audience chuckles)

Ooh!

(audience laughs)

- Okay, get down to the goods lift,

ready to go as soon as the doors open.

- Here, why don't you do a bit of work?

(audience laughs)

(fan smacks)

(audience laughs)

- (thick Italian accent)You
no speak-a to my papa

like-a that!

(audience laughs)

Otherwise I spread you
across the wall like jam-a.

- No way Tony, keep your hair on.

- Okay you guys, let's just
get this show on the road, ay?

(sighs)

- (normal voice) Oh, Mr.
Humphries, that was good.

- Here, keep your hair on.

- (normal voice) It's
alright, they've gone.

- (loudly) Your hair, in your hat!

- Oh yeah!

(audience laughs)

- We can't rely on Rumbold.

I think I've got to get up on the roof

and try to attract attention.

I can can strike some matches
or something like that.

- Don't be so silly, where
could we say you'd gone?

- Well, just say that I escaped from you.

- Hoo! From someone as tough as me?

They'd never believe you.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Harman, you go out
there and keep them busy.

And Mr. Spooner, grab a
male dummy from display

and bring it in here.

- What are you gonna do?

- Never mind that, just go.

- Yeah, all right.

(telephone rings)

Oh!

It's a coin box.

Oh what do you want, Mr. Rumbold?

How many men? There were two.

Oh, yes, I know we said
five, but that was for them.

Look, you've got to
come and get the police

and bring them here,

(loudly) and hurry up for goodness' sake!

No, I'm not panicking, no--

(audience laughs)

What? No, I'm not really
being held prisoner,

but--well me and Mr. Harman
are pretending to be gangsters,

and Mr. Humphries is our stepson,

and we've captured Captain Peacock

and Miss Brahms and Mr. Spooner,

and they think that Mr.
Humphries is keen on Miss Brahms.

- Tell him I can't keep it up much longer.

(audience laughs)

- No, that might confuse him.

And for goodness' sake, hurry
up, we're in dreadful danger!

(door opens)

- All right, bring it over here.

Captain Peacock, you go up onto the roof

and attract attention.

Mr. Humphries, open the
window and stand there.

- What shall I do?

- Just dangle it out of the window.

(audience laughs)

- I beg your pardon?

- The dummy! The legs!

See, you grab one leg,
I'll grab the other,

and then we'll pretend
it's Captain Peacock,

and that we're trying to make him talk.

(sultry voice) Right,
Peacock, spill the beans

or you'll take a dive.

- Here, steady on!

- He's gonna tell us the
combination of the safe.

- Are you outta your
mind? You could drop him!

(dummy crashes)

- [Betty] Whoops!

(audience laughs)

- (thick Italian accent)
Well, what do you know?

He got-a false legs.

(audience roars)

- We've gotta get out of here.

- We can't, we haven't got the key!

- Suddenly, I feel kinda peckish.

Why don't you nip up to the
canteen and grab a sandwich?

- Sure thing Ma.

- You come-a with me, we have a little--

(Shirley swoons)

- Aw, he's such a little scalawag.

- How can you be so cool?

- I can warm up when I have to, big boy.

(audience laughs)

- (Normal voice) Captain Peacock?

- Oh!

(audience laughs)

Oh, thank God, it's
you. How did you escape?

- Never mind that now.

Now look, I've got this rope

over the pulley on the flag pole.

I'm going to tie it round
my waist, like that.

Now, you must lower me over the edge,

and I'll go and get the police.

- Isn't it a bit risky?

- I must do it.

If I'm not home by one o'clock,
me mother locks the door.

(audience laughs)

- Oh good luck! (exaggerated kissing)

- Don't get carried away with your part!

- [Peacock] Here you go.
Take the string, Miss Brahms.

Careful now, gently, there we
go, that's good, little more.

(rope squeaks)

(audience laughs)

- Look!

- We'll have to get some more
rope. He's stuck halfway!

- Tommy! Where you going?

- (thick Italian accent)
I just come-a down

to see if you wanted mustard-a
on your sandwich, or--

(audience laughs)

- [Voice On Megaphone] This is the police.

The building is surrounded,

and officers are already in the building.

You have better give yourselves up.

- Blimey! Quick, into the cupboard.

- Alright.

- All right, we got 'em.

And a nasty-looking bunch they are too.

(audience laughs)

- (normal voice) Oh,
I'm so glad to see you.

- Do you know this person, sir?

- I don't recognize anyone in this room.

- (normal voice) What about me?

(audience laughs)

- Who is that?

- Who is that? I've no idea.

Looks like some kind of ice cream seller.

(audience laughs)

- Come on, you lot.

(all grumbling)

- Hello dear. Yes, a hoax, as I thought.

Oh they do it every stock-taking.

Well, I've taught them a lesson.

I said I didn't recognize any of them,

they're off to the
police station. (laughs)

Yes. Bye.

- Huh? Oh!

- Do you by any chance
have the keys to the safe?

- Mr. Humphries? Get the
police back, quickly!

- Don't talk to me, I'm
off to Beaux Street.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat jazzy theme music)

♫ Ground floor: perfumery,
stationary, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware and food

♫ Going up...

♫ First floor: telephones,
gents' ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties,
hats, underwear, and shoes

♫ Going up...

♫ Second floor: carpets,
travel books, and bedding

♫ Material, soft furnishing,
restaurants, and teas

♫ Going down...

♫ First floor: telephones,
gents' ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties,
hats, underwear, and shoes

♫ Going down...

♫ Ground floor: perfumery,
stationary, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware and food

♫ Going up...