All language subtitles for Are.You.Being.Served.S08E06.Closed.Circuit

(cash register dings)

♫ Ground floor perfumery,

♫ stationery and leather goods,

♫ wigs and haberdashery

♫ kitchenware and food. Going up.

- Mr. Spooner, Mr. Humphries

Set the table up for
the meeting, will you?

- Certainly Captain Peacock.
- Certainly, Captain Peacock.

- Oh Captain Peacock, I can't
stay more than 30 minutes.

I have to collect Mrs.
Klein from the dentist.

You see, after she has gas, she goes

all funny and can't remember anything.

- In that case Mr. Klein,

she won't know you're late, will she?

(audience laughs)

- I can't be late either.

I've got to be at the first aid post

at the roller disco by seven.

(audience laughs)

- Have you got another job there?

- No, I got there to skate, but I'm always

in the first aid post by seven.

- He's not looking. C'mon.

- Ms. Slocombe. Miss Brahms.

Were you forgetting about the conference?

- Oh is it tonight? (laughs)

It had completely gone out of my mind.

Hadn't it yours, Miss Brahms?

- Yes. I can't think why you
want me, Captain Peacock.

I've never given you any ideas yet.

- That's not entirely true, Miss. Brahms.

(audience laughs)

- See, I got, now.

I heard you was having
a late night conference,

so I brought some tea what
we brewed up in backing.

- Oh that's very kind of you, Mr. Harman.

- Biscuit? Bit of cake?

- Yes, thank you.

This is very considerate
of you, Mr. Harman.

- Yeah, well I've got rich
tea, chocolate, button bowls,

swiss roll, or should there be any demand,

one portion of fairy cake.

(audience laughs)

- As I said, most considerate of you.

- Yeah, that's no problem
at all. Uh, 35 p each.

(audience laughs)

- That's outrageous.

- Ah, I'm glad you're
all ready. Do sit down.

- Thank you, sir.

(chairs scuffling)

- Oh, tea and cakes.
Well, think we'll have

those on the firm.

- It's 35 pence each, sir.

- I think we'll have those off the floor.

Take them away, Mr. Harman.

- I retire defeated.

I would just like you to know
that if you're still here

in 15 minutes time, I will have locked up.

I've got the master key,

and it'll cost you 35 p each to get out.

(audience laughs)

- Look, before we start, if we're going

to be stuck here having a
conflab for hours and hours,

I've got to make a phone call.

- Oh well if you must, you must,

but please make it a short one.

- I'll be as long as it takes.

- Are you gonna call that oil rigger

that was chatting you up
in the pub last night?

- Certainly not. I wouldn't
dream of such a thing.

- In that case then, I'll
throw his phone number away.

- Don't litter the floor, Miss Brahms.

Give it to me. I'll dispose of it later.

- You know I can't bear
them big muscly men

with hairy chests and tattoos.

They can only think of one thing.

- I quite agree. Is
that a five or an eight?

(audience laughs)

- Please hurry up, Ms. Slocombe.

- I'm waiting for him to answer.
It's my next-door neighbor.

- Oh hello. Hello, is that Mr. Akbar?

Ms. Slocombe here, your
next-door neighbor.

I wonder would you do me a favor?

Would you go to my front door, bend down,

and look through the letter
box, and if you can see

my pussy, would you drop
a sardine on the mat?

(audience laughs)

No, Mr. Akbar, I'm at work. Hello? Hello?

Oh, somebody's cut us off.
Oh, I do hope he understands.

His English isn't too good,
but he's very obliging.

- Well, I'll come straight to the point.

Sales figures last week were
the worst on record, now why?

We've got a good name,
we're in a good position.

Why aren't people coming into the store?

- I blame it on the buses.
There's less of them.

- What's that got to do with it?

- Well, because there's less
of them, they're more crowded,

so more people are standing up,

and they're not wearing
out their trousers.

- And skirts.
- And skirts.

- What do you think, Captain Peacock?

- I think it's the silliest
suggestion I've ever heard.

- Well you come up with something then.

- Yes, you haven't come
up with anything yet.

- (Sighs) Ms. Slocombe, the
reason why our sales are so bad

is as plain as the nose on your face.

- Yeah, and that's pretty plain.

- We're in a recession.

- Lally and Willits
are not in a recession.

Their store's always
packed, business is booming.

- Ah well, they're modern, aren't they?

- Yes, they've got a young management

with drive and ideas of their own.

- They've got a big
television screen outside

showing what's on in the store.

Friend of mine put that
in, shows all the bargains

in all the different departments,

and it makes it cozy and interesting.

(phone ringing)
- I think. Ah.

I believe Mr. Grace
wanting a progress report.

I think Mr. Humphries may
have put his finger on it.

(audience laughs)

Hello. Ah-ha, Mr. Grace.
I'm glad you called, sir.

I've just had the most exciting idea.

Why don't we do what Lally
and Willits have done?

I suggest we put a
television screen inside

and outside the store
to show what's going on

and to advertise our special offers.

- I like it, Rumbold. You've
come up with the goods.

Uh, don't spend too much money.

(audience laughs)
(cash register dings)

(footsteps)

- Ah, sorry I'm late. My
connection failed to connect.

- This is my friend Mr. Fortescue.

- Oh good. (laughs) What
exactly does this entail?

- Well, at Lally and Willits, what we did,

we chose a member from
each floor to be a kind

of Parkinson character, you
know that sort of thing,

and they introduced each
member of the department

so they could chat about their
special offers, you know?

Now, who's gonna be the
Parkinson of this department?

- I am.
- What an unexpected choice.

(audience laughs)

- I think I have more experience

at this sort of thing
than anybody else here.

After all, I'm used to
speaking at board meetings.

- With the emphasis on the bored.

(audience laughs)

- I'll just go and get
my hat and coat off.

- Right, I'll switch this
on and see if it's working.

Ah, yes, there we are.

- Oh look, there's a picture

of that dummy come up on this screen.

- Oh, I've always wanted
to see meself on tele.

Here, point it at me.

Oh, just look at that.

(audience laughs)

I think you must have something
wrong with your camera.

I look all fat.

(audience laughs)

- There's nothing wrong with my equipment.

(Slocombe groans)
(audience laughs)

- Let me have decko.

(quick footsteps)

Oh, oh look at my face.
I should be in pictures.

- You know, I knew a girl who looked

just like you tried to get into pictures.

- Oh yeah? What happened to her?

- She ended up on the cutting room floor.

(audience laughs)

- Oh what a shame. What picture
was she supposed to be in?

- She wasn't supposed
to be in any picture.

She wasn't even supposed
to be in the cutting room.

(audience laughs)

- Uh Mr. Humphries, could
I have a word with you?

- Certainly.
(footsteps)

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Humphries, I have
a little problem, no, no.

In the past, Mr.
Humphries, I have found it

very difficult handling people
who aren't actually actors.

I mean, they can be so
sensitive, can't they?

- Oh they can, they can.

- And they get upset so easily.

So what I wondered was
could you use your tact,

and may I say charm, to convey
to these people my wishes?

I mean, after all, you do
know them very well don't you?

- Like the back of me hand.
- And I do know you.

(audience laughs)

- May I say one gin and tonic
in the Grenadier's Retreat

does not amount to a lasting friendship.

I'll do me best for you.
- Thank you.

- Right, I'm ready. What do I have to do?

- Well, first of all
people, could I have you all

on this side of the camera please?

And nice and quiet, you know. Thank you.

(footsteps)

Here we are. (claps)

Uh, except you sir. If
you'd come over here.

And what I'd like you to do,
take hold of this microphone.

Thank you, and sit down there.

Alright, that's it,
alright, and say your piece.

- How's this?

- Oh no, no, no, hold
it. Look at that head.

It's shining like the dome of St. Paul's.

I mean, it's the top
half of Humpty Dumpty.

We can't have that.

(audience laughs)

Go and tell him, Mr. Humphries.

- Who me?

- Well you said you
would. Go and tell him.

(footsteps)

- Very good, Mr. Rumbold,
very good indeed.

We've got a slight lighting problem.

Ms. Slocombe, can I
borrow your powder puff?

- Do you want the pale one
or the one you had before?

- The dark one will do.

- Personally I'd favor
sandpaper and French chalk.

- Hey, go easy with that.
It costs 10 p a carton.

(audience laughs)

- How's that?

- Well, it's better, but we've got

to do something about those ghastly ears.

- He looks like a hang glider.

(audience laughs)

- I'd have said more like a wing nut.

- Shall I say my piece now?

- Not yet, not yet, Mr. Rumbold,

we've got a couple of problems.

- Yes, one on either side.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Humphries you'll have to tell him.

We've got to get rid of
those ridiculous ears.

- No wonder you find people sensitive.

Very good, Mr. Rumbold, very good indeed.

It's rather, we've got a slight problem.

It's rather a narrow screen, you see?

We can't get you all in.

(audience laughs)

- Would it help if I breathed in?

- Not unless you've
got lungs in your head.

How's that?
- That's better.

- Mr. Spooner, cellotape quick.

(quick footsteps)

- Here you are, Mr. Humprhies.

- Thank you.
(tape peeling)

(audience jeers)
(audience laughs)

- Yes, yes, that's a marked improvement.

- We seem to have traveled

from the grotesque to the bizarre.

(audience laughs)

- You know, I still don't like his head.

- Well that's rather unfortunate,
because his mouth's in it,

and that's the bit we're going to use.

- Shall I speak now?

- No, not yet.
- Can't we try a wig on him?

- Or a hat rack.

- I wonder if you'd mind
trying one of these.

They're very popular with news readers.

- I don't mind having
a bald head. (laughs)

Actually it's considered
to be rather virile.

- That's the trouble, we
don't want people coming

into the store for the wrong reasons.

(Humphries laughs)

(applause)
(audience laughs)

- [Humphries] How's that?
- Yes, yes, yes I'll buy that.

- It'll be 12 pound 50.

(audience laughs)

- No I mean, I accept it as
a... It's a technical term.

Oh, you wouldn't understand.

(audience laughs)

- Well I think we're about ready.

- Alright, we'll take our positions.

Ms. Slocombe, if you'll go
up there, you'll be first.

Now then, Mr. Rumbold,
what I want you to do

is say the first part of your speech.

You stand up, you introduce Ms. Slocombe

and hand over to her, alright?

And cue.
- What?

(audience laughs)

Go.
- Oh, good morning shoppers.

Or afternoon as the case may be.

It's all happening here on the first floor

at Grace Brothers.

We've got bargains
galore and special offers

you'll never believe and friendly,
happy, jolly salespeople.

And here to tell you more
about it is Ms. Slocombe.

Hello there, Ms. Slocombe.

(audience laughs)

- Hello there, Mr. Rumbold.

Yes, it's all happening
in my underwear today.

(audience laughs)

- Yes, I've been telling the shoppers.

I've been telling them about
your marvelous bargains.

- I don't blame you.

I've got things that are bigger, better,

and cheaper than anywhere
else, so come up and see me.

(applause)

- No, no, no, no.

No, you'll have to stop, Ms. Slocombe.

- What's the matter?

- Well, it's the line.
Just look at those lines.

- Well, can't you adjust your set?

- They're not on the
screen. They're on her face.

Go and tell her she looks 110.

(audience laughs)

- Be tactful, Mr. Humphries.
- Ms. Slocombe.

- What is it? Did I do something wrong?

- No, no, no, very good, very good.

I really believed that
bit about the bargains,

but a slight problem though.

Did you every see a
film called Lost Horizon

where they were all in Shangri-La?

- Oh that's the place where
they stayed young forever.

- Yes, do you remember the old priest said

if they ever left the valley,
they'd become very very old,

and this young girl didn't believe him,

and she left and she
walked down the passage,

and when she got to the end, she was 110?

- Well, what's that got to do with me?

- You're halfway down the passage

and (audience laughter drowns out speech)

(cash register dings)

- Isn't Ms. Slocombe ready yet?

- She'll be ready in 30 seconds.

- I can't imagine any makeup that

would obliterate the ravages of 50 years.

- I think people like
to see a lived-in face.

- Hers is more than
lived-in. It's got squatters.

(audience laughs)

- She's putting on anti-wrinkle cream,

tightens the skin, takes
out all the wrinkles.

I spread it on my fruit at home.

Do you know it turns
prunes back into plums?

- Oh nice.

Now let's try your solo bit
again Ms. Slocombe, alright?

Up on the stairs. You ready, Nigel?

And go.

- Hello shoppers, I know you'll

be interested in my fantastic bargains.

I've got brassieres at
half-price and panty girdles

- No, no, no, stop, stop.

Look, there's not a reason
of expression on her face.

- It's that wrinkle cream.

I told her she was using too much.

(Slocombe mumbles)
(audience laughs)

- My lady wife used
some of that stuff once.

Halfway through supper,
there was a loud crack,

a small avalanche, and she was back

to her old wrinkled self again.

- Look I don't want to swank,

but I'm due at DH Evans in half an hour.

Now can't this girl do it?

- Oh I think that's an excellent idea.

- But what about me?

(audience laughs)

- I suggest you go to first
aid and get a poultice on it.

(audience laughs)

- I suggest you go and (mumbles) head.

(audience laughs)

- Do you think she'll be alright?

- It'll take some time.

My fruit lasted all over
the Christmas holiday.

- Morning, everybody.

(group chattering)
- [Rumbold] Morning Mr. Grace.

- How's it all going?

- We're just going to have
a go at Miss Brahms now.

- Oh, that should get a
crowd round the store.

- Alright people, I'd like you all

on that side of the camera
this time if you please.

(group grumbles)

And as quietly as possible, thank you.

(footsteps)
(group chattering)

Just hold this microphone there.

Alright, are you ready, Nigel?

- [Brahms] Alright.
- Alright, and cue.

- Hello shoppers, I know
you'll be interested

in all these fantastic special offers.

We've got brushes at
half-price, panty girdles,

dreamy nightwear at four pound 50,

head scarfs, hats, hosiery

and an host of unbelievable bargains,

so come up and see me now.

(audience laughs)

- Well, she looks very nice.
What do you say, Mr. Harman?

- You can't use her.
- Why not?

- Her voice. Dead common.

(audience laughs)

- Yes, yes I agree. I agree.

Mr. Humphries, go and tell her
she sounds like a fish wife.

(audience laughs)

- Very good, Miss
Brahms, very good indeed.

I wonder if you could make
it a bit more up market.

(audience laughs)

- Roll up, roll up, roll up!

We've got a load of
bargains here today. We--

- That's, no, no, no, no, no.

No, it's not that sort of market.

When I say up market, I mean
a bit more posher, you know?

Think of Angela Rippon and Anna Ford.

Great, and cue.

- [Brahms] Posher
- Sorry

(audience laughs)

- Hello there, shopping people.

I know you're going to
be absolutely amazed

at these super bargains we have.

We have suits and trousers
in blues and browns

for round and about 100 pounds.

(applause)
(audience laughs)

- No, no, no, no, no, that's not right.

I mean it's a good try, but
you can't hide common, can you?

- I'm sorry to interrupt, but it's

almost time for Mr.
Grace's special medicine.

- That's it. That's the voice.

It's sexy, it's believable,

it's just what we're looking for.

- She's not a salesgirl.

- But she doesn't have to be a sales girl.

She could get down behind the counter

and speak the words, and
this girl could mime to them.

Then we get the best of both worlds.

- Could she have a go, sir?

- She's game for anything,
aren't you my dear?

(audience laughs)

- Then come along.

- It's all on this piece
of paper, thank you.

There we are.
- Thank you.

- Good, good.
(footsteps)

- And go.
- You said cue last time.

(Humphries and director muttering)

- Hello shoppers, I know
you'll be interested

in all these fantastic special offers.

We've got brassieres at half-price,

panty girdles, dreamy night--
- Hey just a minute.

Tell her to get a move on,
I'm in me dreamy nightwear,

and she's still in her panty girdles.

(audience laughs)
(cash register dings)

(bell ringing)

- I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen,
the store is now closing.

Would you mind? Thank you very much.

- Thank heavens for that. What a day.

Do you know I've been rushed off my feet.

- Yeah, that television
idea worked a treat.

- [Peacock] How did you do Ms. Slocombe?

- It was like Christmas Eve.

I've never seen anything like it.

- Yeah, I made enough in
commission to buy a pair

of shoes to replace the
ones I wore out today.

- Well, you have only
yourself to blame for that.

I popped down to the
entrance, and that bit you did

on the screen certainly
caused quite a stir.

- Yeah, that nurse's posh, sexy voice

and your sexy looks were
a great combination, ooh.

- Hey Shirley, this
came special messenger.

Says to the young girl
on the ladies counter.

I figured it's for you.

- It's marked personal and
private, and you've opened it.

- Yeah, of course, there
might've been a bomb in it.

(audience laughs)

- Oh look.
- Well read it.

- It's got an official stamp on.

Do you think it's income tax?

- No that's a crest, that
is. Two rampant unicorns.

- Dear sexy voice, I'm afraid
I don't know your name,

but I was driving past
your store today when

my furry, fairy--
- Ferrari.

- When my Ferrari ran out of petrol.

While I was waiting for
my chauffeur to bring some

in my Rolls, I was inrup, enruptured?

- Enraptured.

- I was enraptured by
your deep, seductive voice

on the TV at the entrance of your store.

I'm dying to meet you. Can
you dine with me tonight?

I will phone at 5:30 for
your answer. Yours, Hurley.

Hurley? That's a funny Christian name.

- That's not a Christian name.

Here, look, look. He's a Lord.

He enclosed a photo of him standing

outside the front of his house.

- Oh look, he lives in a detached castle.

(audience laughs)

- It's nearly half past five.
He'll be phoning in a minute.

- (Gasps) Dinner tonight,
I haven't got time

to go home and get changed.

I'll have to borrow something from stock.

- My dear, take advice
from an older woman.

Don't appear too keen, play hard to get,

say you're not available tonight.

If his intentions are
serious, he'll try again.

Oh, I used to dangle myself
like a carrot in front of them,

but I never let them get a nibble.

(audience laughs)

- It's a bit late for that now.

Not much call for dried
vegetables these day.

(audience laughs)

- But what should I say to him?

- Tell him you're having dinner

with your millionaire boyfriend.

- Ooh, no, no, you mustn't say that.

You don't want to put him off.

You want to appear unsullied.

- Tell him you're training
to be a Carmelite nun

and Monday night's practice night.

(audience laughs)
(phone ringing)

- Oh, blimey that'll be him.
- I'll get it.

Ladies intimate apparel. Lord whom?

Oh yes, the lady what you require

is entitled Miss Brahms, but
I'm afraid she's just leaving.

However, if you wouldn't
mind hanging on a mo,

I'll see if I can apprehend her.

It's him. Ooh, he sounds ever so nice.

- What shall I say?

- Whatever it is, make sure it sounds

like the nurse that did your voice.

- Hello. Yes, this is A. Oh how quaint.

No, I'm afraid I can't do it tonight.

- I mean he's keen ain't he?

(audience laughs)

- I have a previous engagement.

I'm dining at Romano's

with mater and pater.

Yes, he's very high up
in the army, you know.

We're having a bit of a
nosh with a chum of his

who's very high up something else.

Oh, oh I see. Well, yes,
I'm sure that'll be alright.

I'll see you there then. (laughs) Bye-bye.

Nickers.
(audience laughs)

- What did he say?

- He says he'll meet us
there and the bill's on him.

- Oh that's torn it.

- Well, you just have to
up and dangle your carrot.

(audience laughs)

- What after that cock and bull
story about mater and pater

and his chum high up in something?

He'll see through me in a minute.

I won't be able to carry it through.

- Well, your dad was in the
army. He could go with you.

- He's a bus driver.

- Well he could take
the number off his cap.

(audience laughs)

- It's all your fault, Miss Slocombe,

making me say I was having
dinner with me father.

- Well, I didn't say you
were to tell him he was

in the army and all that
rubbish about his high up chum.

- Well what am I gonna do?

- Well if you take my advice, say goodbye

to St. Ritz and the South of France,

go home, and open a tin of baked beans.

(audience laughs)

- No, no, I don't think

you should give up so easily.

Oh no, I'm sure if we all
put our heads together,

we can come up with a
solution of some sort.

(cash register dings)

- Here's your table, Brigadier Brahms.

- A.

(audience laughs)
(applause)

- Lady Brahms.

- Now while you're staring
at the menu, a little drink.

- For Madame, a nice par-ih-teef

- Oh thank you, and they're my own too.

(audience laughs)

- No, no, what drink do you fancy my dear?

- Oh, what was the name of that cocktail

what we had at the Bunch of Grapes?

- Oh yeah, it was sort
of a lemony, ginny thing.

Two John Thomases please.

(audience laughs)

- Two John Collins, waiter.
(waiter sighs)

And I'll have a large pink gin.

- Thank you, sir.

- Have you seen the
prices? Isn't it wicked?

- I thought Mr. Humphries was supposed

to be joining us here.

- I imagine he's getting his

dinner jacket from the cleaners.

- Oh. And why couldn't you
have worn a dinner jacket?

- You said I was high up in the army.

- Yeah, but you didn't
have to be a brigadier.

- I could have been if I'd stayed on.

Oh, the caviar sounds rather tempting.

- 'Ere that's 10 pound a
throw. You're not having that.

- Miss Brahms, we are here to give you

a respectable background,
and as Lord Hurley's

generous enough to foot
the bill, I don't see why

we shouldn't have a good
meal while we're at at it.

- That's all you're here for, in't it?

- Well, on our wages, all we could afford

in this place would be egg and chips.

(audience roars)
(audience laughs)

- Look over there.

- It's not Mr. Humphries, is it?

- I'm afraid it is.

- Don't have the kidneys.
Somebody set fire to them.

(audience laughs)

And before you say anything
else, me suit hadn't come

from the cleaners and he happened

to be a very good friend of
mine so he's loaned me this.

It's got to be back first
thing in the morning,

cause Ramsey needs it for
a conference at Canterbury.

(audience laughs)

- Menu, your grace.
- Oh, bless you, my son.

(audience laughs)

- You're gonna ruin this for me.

No one's gonna believe you're a bishop.

- Ah monsignor (foreign language)

(audience laughs)

- It's all go in the church, isn't it?

- 18 carat, not bad.

- There you see, everything's
gonna be perfectly alright

as long as we keep calm and
you let me do the talking.

- Miss Brahms, you speak
as little as possible.

- What about me?

- You drink as little as possible.

(audience laughs)

- Pull your veil down.

Look, everybody, just
behave absolutely normal.

- Oh heck, it's Mr. Grace.

(silverware clanking)
(group grunting)

- Get up, get up, get up.
- Any problems, sir?

- I'm just taking a
confessional. Won't be long.

(audience laughs)

- Get back in your seats.

He'll never recognize
us dressed like this.

- Hello, Peacock, another
regimental reunion?

- That's right, sir, yes. (laughs)

- The wife seems a bit playful tonight.

(audience laughs)

If you're on your own, perhaps
you'll care to join us.

- Well sir, we're expecting
some guests. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Is that right?
- Ah, here they are, sir.

- Don't tell anyone you've seen me

out with the girls, will you?

I wouldn't like to get a
bad reputation in the store.

- Your secret will go no
further than this table, sir.

You can't stay like that all night.

- Well get rid of the candles.

(group blows)
(lighters flicking)

- May I take your order?
- Yes, why not.

What do you fancy, my dear?

- Smoked salmon and pheasant.

- Shirley?
- Lobster thermostat.

(audience laughs)

- Your grace?

- May I recommend the sweet breads.

- How are they done?

- It's not how they're
done that worries me.

It's where they're from.

(audience laughs)

- And I'll have petit de
foie gras and guinea fowl.

- I'll have the venison.
- It's very well-hung, sir.

- That is of no interest to me whatsoever.

(audience laughs)

- Oh and, champagne, Gleeco '71.

- And make it a big one.

- I can bring a jeroboam
if you'd like one.

- No, just tell us where it is.

We'll make our own jerboam
when the need arises.

- Good evening, your Lordship.
Have you a reservation?

- No actually I'm joining some people.

- Ah, may I take your coat?

- Oh look, it's him.
Oh, isn't he handsome?

- Oh, all that and a castle to put it in.

- Now, remember, remember,
let me do the talking. Shh.

- If you have to say anything,

it was the low, sexy
voice that attracted him.

- Now I hope you're both hungry.

- I'm absolutely ravenous. I
haven't had a bite all day.

- That voice. I'd recognize it anywhere.

Excuse me, I'm Lord Hurley.

You were in that Grace
Brothers commercial thing.

- That's right.

- I must say you look even more attractive

in the flesh than you did on
the screen outside the store.

May I sit down, with your permission sir?

- Well, if she doesn't mind.

- As far as I'm concerned, you can stay

for the rest of my life.

- Garson.
- Yes, sir?

- We ordered pheasant, lobster, venison,

petit de foie gras, guinea
fowl, and champagne.

And I'd like to make a slight alternation.

(audience laughs)

- Certainly, sir, what would you like?

- Egg and chips four
times and a pot of tea.

(applause)
(cash register dings)

♫ Ground floor perfumery,

♫ stationery and leather goods,

♫ wigs and haberdashery

♫ kitchenware and food. Going up.

♫ First floor telephones,

♫ gents ready-made suits,

♫ shirts, socks, ties, hats,

♫ underwear and shoes. Going up.

♫ Second floor carpets,

♫ travel goods and bedding,

♫ material, soft furnishings,

♫ restaurant and teas. Going down!

(applause)

♫ First floor telephones,

♫ gents ready-made suits,

♫ shirts, socks, ties, hats,

♫ underwear and shoes. Going up.

(lighthearted music)