All language subtitles for Are.You.Being.Served.S07E07.The.Agent

(cash register ringing)

♫ Ground floor

♫ Perfumery, stationery, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor, telephones

(knocking on door)

- Enter.

- Morning, Mr. Rumbold, sir.

Your coffee.

- Why isn't the coffee in the cup?

- The canteen are supplying
instant in the packet.

Look, I'll show ya.

There you are.

Now that is the magic powder.

Are you ready to drink it now?

- I will be in the fullness of time.

- I'm sorry, sir, that's not good enough.

You have to be ready to drink it at once.

- Why is that?

- Well, it's instant coffee.

So called because there
is only one instance

when it tastes like coffee.

(audience laughing)

And go!

Well, go on, take it all.

Go on, go on, all up,
drink it all up, sir.

Oh, that's lovely, sir, go on.

That's it, that's it.

Go right on.

See, see?

Right, now, today is
Friday which is payday.

So can I have the money to
take down for the staff?

- Ah, now, there's been a change
in the payout arrangements.

The money will be brought
down by the accounts clerk

in a security dispenser.

- Well, I don't like the sound of that.

I've been doling out the wages
in the wire basket for years.

- Yes, but, Mr. Harman,
times are changing.

And the insurance company insists

that we use a more modern method.

- Does that mean I've been made redundant?

- Indeed not.

You will accompany the
clerk as security escort.

- Yeah, but if I don't take the money,

I mean, I'm being downgraded.

I shall have to report this
to my accredited shop steward.

What happens to be me.

(audience laughing)

- Well, pity about that.

There was to have been
a bonus of two pounds

that went with the job.

- I'm sorry, sir, I can't stay.

I've gotta go down to
the accounts department.

- Thank you for your custom, madam.

- Thank you very much.

- So, anyway, me and Mrs.
Axelbidden didn't fancy

going abroad this year.

I mean, Spin's getting so common.

Anybody can go now.

So, anyway, we booked
into this holiday camp.

- Aren't you bothered by
them young men campers?

- No, not at all.

And it was so hot that we
sat in our nightdresses

with the door wide open.

(audience laughing)

And nobody bothered us.

- Well, it sounds a bit boring to me.

- Oh, no, not at all.

There was something going on all the time.

Oh, I laughed.

On Wednesday night, they have
this sort of variety concert.

And there was this man
that hypnotized people.

- Was he any good?

- Well, he got me up on the stage.

And apparently had me doing
all sorts of silly things.

Look, that was taken of me.

- Blimey, you're standing on your head.

- I know! (laughing)

I wouldn't have believed it
if I hadn't seen that picture.

- Well, it's lucky your
seams were straight.

(audience laughing)

- And that's one of me when
he had me doing the can-can.

And that's just after
at the first aid post.

(audience laughing)

Oh, and all the way through the show,

whenever he snapped his fingers,

all the audience blew a raspberry.

(laughing)

- Mrs. Slocombe.
(snapping fingers)

(blowing raspberry)
(audience laughing)

(elevator ringing)

(audience laughing)

- Are you being served, sir?

- That's the gentleman I want to see.

- Ah, that's our Mr. Humphries.

- Yes.

- Excuse me, Mr. Humphries.

This gentleman would like to speak to you.

He asked for you personally.

- Thanks.

What can I do for you, sir?

- I'm going to show you
something, it's gonna shock you.

(audience laughing)

- Okay.

Guess I'll put me glasses on.

- Are you ready?

- As ready as I shall ever be.

- Here.

(audience laughing)

- What exactly am I
supposed to be looking at?

- Well, this sweater.

When I bought it, it came down to there.

Now look where it's gone to.

- Did you wash it yourself?

- Yes, yes, as a matter of fact, I did.

And you assured me it was drip dry.

- Are you the drip that dried it?

(audience laughing)

- That'll do, Mr. Lucas.

Did you wash it in lukewarm water, sir?

- Yes.

- Did you use a mild detergent?

- Yes.

- Did you use soft water?
- Yes!

- Did you hang it up to dry?
- Yes!

(laughing)

- You've obviously not read the label.

This garment is made of pure giraffe wool.

(audience laughing)

- What difference does that make?

- It's exactly the same
principal as the cows,

isn't it, Mr. Lucas?

- Oh, identical, Mr. Humphries.

- I mean, when it's going
to rain, cows lie down.

- So what?

- Well, it's just the
same with the giraffe.

I mean, if they stood up
and got their skins wet

it would all hang over in folds,

and when they galloped
off they'd trip over it.

Now, what I suggest you
do is wash it again,

lie it on a towel to
dry, in some sunlight,

not before 2:00 in the afternoon,

preferably with a cool,
westerly breeze blowing.

If you have any trouble, don't
hesitate to bring it back.

Good morning.

(audience laughing)

- Good morning.

- What a salesman you
are, Mr. Humphries, sir.

A silver tongue, a golden
smile, a warm heart.

You should have a great career

with the right person behind you.

- Do you mind changing places with me?

(audience laughing)

♫ Goin 'round the world

♫ Going for a good time

- Gather around, everybody.

Come on, come on.

Now, as you may have heard,

this is the new security wage dispenser.

Would you perhaps like
to explain, Mr. Patel?

- Certainly, Captain Peacock.

Now, you all have identity
photographs on your records.

These photographs have been
copied and are inside here.

This machine will scan you,

compare you with the identity photograph,

and, if you are, in fact,
who you claim to be,

your salary will be duly
deposited in the payout tray.

- Why don't it come in a wire
basket like it always done?

- Did, Miss Brahms.

- Oh, like it always did done.

(audience laughing)

- Because of the alarming
increase in daylight robbery.

- Well, our wages are daylight robbery.

- That will do, Mr. Lucas.

- Now, who is to go first?

- I will go first.

- Thank you, Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock is going first.

(employees applauding)

Standby, Mr. Harman.

- Are you ready, Captain Peacock?

- Ready.
- Ready, Mr. Patel?

- Absolutely ready.

- I'm pressing the buttons, now.

- Please, do be quite still.

(machine buzzing)

(machine chugging)

The comparing is now going on.

- [Machine] Do not pay
out, do not pay out.

(audience laughing)

- You are perhaps
wondering why the machine

has not paid out.

- I was wondering why the
machine has not paid out,

hey, Mr. Lucas?

- Yes, plus it's been stolen by a dolly.

- I will not look at
the identity photograph

to see if there is a reason.

Ah, there we have it.

You see, in the photograph,
you are wearing fancy dress.

- I am not in fancy dress.

That photograph was taken

for the Grace Brothers Operatic Society's

much acclaimed production of
"The Pirates of Penzance."

I played the part of Frederick.

- Well, that's all right, now.

If you just wear a black
patch and something red

on your head, you will get
immediately your salary.

- It may surprise you to know

that I do not have my
pirate costume with me.

- Oh, here, you can use
this for an eye patch.

(audience laughing)

Here, shove that in your mince pie.

- And put these on your
head as a red handkerchief.

(audience laughing)

- You think that every
time I get my salary

I'm going to parade with
a brassiere in my eye,

and a pair of knickers on me head,

you've got another thing coming.

- Now, look, do you
want your money or not?

(audience laughing)

(cash register ringing)

- What have you got there, Mr. Goldberg?

- It's a little business
I run on the side.

I can't live on the
money they pay you here.

So I run a little agency.

- What sort of an agency?

- Oh, it's a first
class employment agency.

I find positions for high-class
salesmen like yourself.

- Seems to pay off very well.

- I do it very cheap, though.

I only charge the first week's wages.

(counting)

(audience laughing)

130 pounds.

- Who's that from?

- It's from the new head of stationary,

and greetings cards, at Lally and Willets.

And he's only a young man, like yourself.

What do you knock up here?

- I beg your pardon?

(audience laughing)

- What do you earn?

(whispering)

(tsking)

- What a liberty.

Do you know what I could
get you at Harrods?

- Tell me.

(whispering)

What, just for selling things?

- People who haven't got what
you've got are getting it.

(audience laughing)

- Are they?

Why aren't you getting it?

- Because I haven't got what you've got.

- Oh.

(audience laughing)

I don't really like to ask,
but what is it I've got

that nobody else has?

- You've got charm,
vitality, and personality,

and experience, and youth.

- Oh, that, yes, oh, yes, I've got that.

Well, some of it.

- Now listen.

Don't misunderstand me.

I'm not just touting for business.

I'm not that sort of person at all.

- No, of course not.

- Would you like me to make
some inquiries on your behalf?

- As my old choir master used to say,

there's no harm in asking.

(audience laughing)

- Of course not.

When did your choir master say that?

- Shortly after he told
me that I've got charm,

vitality, personality,
experience, and youth.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I'm sure you won't mind

if we make our association, as it were,

on an official basis.

- Any time you'd like.

- Well, if you don't mind, would you...

Sign there.

Thank you.

And there.

Here.

Here.

Here.

And initial there.

And lastly, just there.

Finally, that's it, that's it.

Now, that covers everything.

- Don't I get a copy?

- No, when you signed there,

you agreed not to have
a copy of the agreement

But, if you've any queries, just ask.

- Mr. Goldberg, could I
have a private word with you

about that matter that we was discussing?

- You may speak freely in
front of Mr. Humphries.

I've just undertaken his representation.

- Anything happening?

- Well, I'll tell you,
we've got feelers out

at Dorothy Perkins, the
head of Ladies Foundations.

And also, a very good
response for the position

of head fitter at ATCO.

- ATCO?

They make lawn mowers.

(audience laughing)

- Are they in underwear, as well?

- No, they make lawn mowers.

But the money's very good.

- Oh, I don't think I
could do a mechanical job.

One has one's standards, you know?

- It's 200 pounds a week.

- Motor mowers, or push-a-longs?

(audience laughing)

- I bought you a chocolate
bitty, Mr. Goldberg.

- [Mr. Goldberg] Oh,
thank you, Miss Brahms.

- Now, is there any news?

- I've sent out all your
photos with a description

of your experience to date.

The only reply so far
is a firm offer in beds.

300 pounds a week.

I turned it down.

- What for?

- Well, the beds was in Cairo,

and you was on sale or return.

- Is Mr. Golbdberg looking out
for your interest, Mr. Lucas?

- Oh, yeah, I'm having
your job when you've gone.

- I should have thought
a young man like you

would have set your sights
on something higher.

- Oh, I have.

When I tell them who's
nicking all the staff

from Grace Brothers, I'll have
Mr. Goldberg's job, as well.

- More hot coffee, Mr. Goldberg?

- Oh, thank you, Diana.

Right up to the chip.

- Thanks to you, I
start as the Head Tosser

at the Gay Hoosaw Pancake House on Monday.

- You never told me that was going.

- Oh, and there's a phone call for you.

- Oh, thank you, darling.
- Don't get up.

- Mandra's bringing it to you, sir.

- Thank you, thank you.

- It's the personnel department
of Lally and Willets.

- Oh, thank you, darling.

- And thank you for getting me this job.

- Yeah, it's all right.

- You're a busy little bee, aren't you?

- Hello?

Mac Fifty's Employment Agency here.

Mr. Goldberg speaking.

Oh, hello, Syd.

Now, have you got anything
about Mrs. Slocombe?

Oh, you like the sound of Mrs. Slocombe?

So far, good.

- I like the sound of Mrs. Slocombe.

It's the sight of Mrs.
Slocombe that's the problem.

(audience laughing)

- I tell you, I tell you, Syd,

she's a very beautiful lady.

Her age?

- 30ish.

(audience laughing)

- Look, it's a senior
position, Mrs. Slocombe.

They want someone older than that.

- Well, tell a lie and say 40ish.

- What?

Oh, they want someone who's 50ish.

- Well, go on, now's your
chance to tell the truth.

(audience laughing)

- Look, I wouldn't lie to you, Syd.

She'd pass for 50.

What's her what like?

Uh, big.

In fact, very big, indeed.

- Mr. Goldberg, what
are you talking about?

- Personality, Mrs. Slocombe.

No, she will not take
less than 125, sorry.

So, the ball's in your court.

Oh, Syd, I've just taken on a
new client, a Mr. Humphries.

I'm very excited about him.

(audience laughing)

Oh, Syd, he's right up your street.

He has charm, vitality,
personality, experience, he's got.

- And youth.
- And youth.

- Is he a what?

(laughing)

Well, I don't know, I mean...

Well, uh, I don't think so.

I mean, he's...

Mr. Humphries?

You're not a militant
trade unionist, are you?

- With suede shoes?

I'd be laughed off the platform.

- No, that's all right.

Well, if anything comes up, let me know.

Thank you.

So, I've sown the seed.

All we have to do now is wait.

It's time we were getting back.

- That's a nice watch, Mr. Goldberg.

- Yeah, 18 carat.

It was given to me by a
very satisfied client.

- Oh, it's got an inscription on it.

"Thanks for everything, I
couldn't have done it without you.

"Love, Maggie."

(audience laughing)

(cash register ringing)

(audience applauding)

- Here's your letters, Mr. Grace.

- Thank you.

I haven't got me glasses.

- Oh, oh, well, should
I guide your hand, then?

- Yes, you're very good
at that, aren't you?

(audience laughing)

- Here we are.

Now, G-R-A-C--

- You don't have to spell it.

- Your new spectacles have arrived

from the optician, Mr. Grace.

I thought you might like
to see if they're okay.

Here we are.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, yes, they're a great improvement.

- And these are your new reading glasses.

There.

Here's the mirror.

- We're not having an
earthquake or anything, are we?

(audience laughing)

- No, sir.

- Oh, I don't like those.

They make me look like an old poof.

(audience laughing)

- No, they don't, they make
you look like Elton John.

- That's no comfort.

- Pay attention, Mr. Grace.

I want to see how much you can read.

- A.

The rest in Polish?

(audience laughing)

Sydney

Bernecco.

- Do concentrate, Mr. Grace.

Now what does it say on the bottom?

(audience laughing)

- Wash by hand in lukewarm water.

- Shall we come back later, sir?

- No, no, no, come on, come in.

- Can we have a word privately, sir?

- Well, now, I've had a good look at that.

(audience laughing)

- Well, it's like this, sir.

During the past week, Captain
Peacock has become aware

that a certain member of staff

has been making certain phone
calls to a certain store

about certain other members of staff.

As a result of which,
we are fairly certain

that certain members of the
staff may soon be leaving us.

Mr. Grace?

(audience laughing)

Mr. Grace?

He's gone to sleep.

- I'm not surprised.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Grace, Mr. Grace?

Oh, what do we do now?

- When he drops off like
that, he's gone for an hour.

- I'll do it for you, sir.

Oh, drat, my suspender's gone again.

- What was that?

(audience laughing)

- Sir, we fear that Mr. Humphries

has been suborned by Mr. Goldberg.

- Well, he's been asking
for it, hasn't he?

(audience laughing)

- No, sir, what do you
want us to do about it?

- Well, uh, you deal with it, Rumbold.

- The ball seems to have
lodged itself firmly

in your court, Mr. Rumbold.

- Yes, bit of a face, though, isn't it?

- It's one of the penalties
of being an executive, sir.

- Yes. (laughing)

What would you do in my position?

- Well, I'd consider it
from Mr. Grace's standpoint.

He has three courses open to him.

Sack them, wait for them to
resign, or pay them more money.

- Oh, I wouldn't do that.

(audience laughing)

- Now, there is one alterative

you haven't thought of, Peacock.

- Yes, sir?

- If I hold my horses and do
nothing, it may all blow over.

- If I may say so, sir,

it takes an executive of your caliber

to think of a solution like that.

- Thank you, Peacock.

(cash register ringing)

- Oh, excellent.

Thank you very much, thank you.

It's fixed.
- What's happened?

(telephone ringing)

- Ladies wear.

- Could I speak to Mrs. Slocombe, please?

- Whom's calling?

- Mac Fifty Agency here.

- Oh, here, your agent's on the blower.

- Thank you, Miss Brahms.

Mrs. Slocombe.

- It's fixed.

- It's fixed, me new job!

What is it?

- Would you come to my
office immediately, please?

- Of course, Mr. Goldberg.

- Now, do you mind telling
me what's going on?

'Cause I can't stand
secrets, can I, Mr. Lucas?

- No, you can't, Mr. Humphries,

that's why you didn't become
a Freemason, isn't it?

(audience laughing)

- Well, one of the reasons.

- I'll put you both in the picture.

You're both going to Lally and Willets.

- Oh, isn't that exciting?

- And you, Mr. Humphries,
are to be the new manager

of the unisex clothing department.

- That should confuse you, Mr. Humphries.

(audience laughing)

- It will, Mr. Lucas.

- And you, Mrs. Slocombe,
are to take charge

of the Pussy Shampoo Parlor.

(audience laughing)

- I'll be in seventh heaven.

- It could be the highlight
of your career, Mrs. Slocombe.

Head moggy washer.

(audience laughing)

- And your salary will be (whispering).

- No!

- What about mine?

A month?
- No, a week.

- (gasping) Madam, we better resign.

- The better the day, the better the deed.

- No, no, no, hold it, hold it.

You're forgetting the severance pay.

If you resign now, it'll be trivial.

No, you've got to make them sack you,

then we can take them to
the Industrial Tribunal

for wrongful dismissal.

Then we make a settlement.

- We?

- Clause 10.

- Mrs. Slocombe, Miss Brahms.

Would you please return to your counter?

Can't you see that Mrs. Maxwell is there,

and she's the wife of
one of our directors.

- So she is.

Well, I promise you, she will
get the service she deserves.

- If you want a sack,

all you gotta do is be
rude to Captain Peacock.

- What a good idea.

- Mr. Humphries, tidy that counter.

(audience laughing)

- There's just one thing

I want you to know, Captain Peacock.

- And what is that, Mr. Humphries?

- I'm just going to tidy my counter.

(audience laughing)

- Here we go.

Were you requiring assistance, madam?

- Oh, yes, I just bought that skirt back.

When you get it in daylight,
the color is absolutely foul.

It's far too expensive, and
it rides up when I sit down.

- Well, the color goes with
your blotchy complexion.

(audience laughing)

And it's too expensive
because you're a mean old bag.

(audience laughing)

And it rides up when you sit down

because you've got a great, big, fat bum.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- Do you mean to say, Mrs. Slocombe,

that you don't deny any of these words?

- Not one syllable.

- She said it all, and that's the truth.

- Thank you, Miss Brahms.

- Extraordinary.

Well, we will now pass
on to Mr. Humphries.

According to Captain Peacock, you served

the Honorable Lavinia Effingham Foxworth,

two small F's,

who is also one of our
most important customers.

- That's right, Mr. Rumbold.

- I will now ask Captain
Peacock to repeat the remarks

he overheard you make to her.

- On approaching the customer,

Mr. Humphries was heard to say,

"Hello, dolly, baby, you've
got the best pair of boobs

"I've seen since

"The Confessions of Swedish
Emmanuel's Window Cleaner."

- Did you say those words?

- I did, Mr. Rumbold.
- I heard him.

- Everything Captain Peacock says is true.

And he winked, as well.

- I did, like that.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Humphries, I'm surprised
you even saw such a film.

- I was under therapy at the time.

- Yes, um, he then said, "How
about meeting me in the park

"behind the bandstand, and
we'll pitch a little woo."

- Pitch a little woo?

But what film did that come from?

- "Gold Diggers of 1938."

- This is the most extraordinary
set of circumstances.

- Are you going to sack us?

- In your case, Mrs.
Slocombe, I have a letter here

from Mrs. Maxwell, who,
as you probably know,

is a leading member of Morning Glory,

a religious sect that requires

of its followers absolute honesty.

You, apparently, are the
first truly honest person

she's ever met, as a result of which,

she's sent you these two
tickets for their next meeting.

(audience laughing)

- You've got to sack me.

I mean, you can't have
people walking about

saying the things I said.

- What do you mean?

I've been doing it for years.

- But, it would be rather
difficult, Mr. Humphries,

in view of this note from
the lady in question.

"Tell Humphries 5:30 behind the bandstand,

"and I'll take all the woo he can pitch."

(audience laughing)

(cash register ringing)

- Well, I'm sorry, Syd,

but Grace Brothers here
got wind of your offer.

With the result, they gave new contract

for Mrs. Slocombe and Mr. Humphries.

Yeah, well I got a bit of a rocket

from the management here
for being behind it all.

But, I had a chat with them,
and made them see sense.

Oh, by the way, have you got
anything for an ex-army captain

and a chief executive with big ears?

Well, let me know, thank you.

(telephone clattering)

Well, did you sign the contract?

- Not only that, we've
got our new wage packets.

- 50% raise.
- Good, I'll have those.

- What do you mean?

- Well, that was the arrangement.

According to the contract,
the first week's wages I get.

There you are, it's on
page four, there it is, PJ.

It says, in the contract.

- I'll deal with that.

(paper tearing)

- What are you, what are you doing?

You can't do that.

- Sue us.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- Look at that, that's typical, isn't it?

- Yes, you try to do a good deal for them,

and they swindle you,
don't they, Mr. Goldberg?

- They do, Mr. Lucas.

- Shall we go to have a drink

to celebrate before we go home?

- I'd love to, Mrs. Slocombe.

But I've got to rush off.

I've got an appointment at half past 5:00.

- Behind the bandstand?

- Mrs. Slocombe, I don't
pitch my woo in public.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

♫ Ground floor

♫ Perfumery, stationary, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor

♫ Telephones, gents ready
made suits, shirts, socks

♫ Ties, hats, underwear, and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ Second floor

♫ Carpets, travel goods,
and bedding, materials,

♫ Soft furnishings, restaurants, and food

♫ Going down

♫ First floor

♫ Telephones, gents ready
made suits, shirts, socks

♫ Ties, hats, underwear, and shoes

♫ Going up

(audience applauding)