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1
00:00:03,751 --> 00:00:05,650
Stan, I was cleaning your study
2
00:00:05,652 --> 00:00:07,786
and found something we need to discuss.
3
00:00:08,034 --> 00:00:09,955
Not my journal! How dare you?!
4
00:00:09,957 --> 00:00:11,590
Those are my most private thoughts!
5
00:00:11,592 --> 00:00:13,125
Okay, I confess.
6
00:00:13,127 --> 00:00:16,261
Every entry was plagiarized from
"The Diary of Anne Frank."
7
00:00:16,263 --> 00:00:17,696
I was staring at that blank page,
8
00:00:17,698 --> 00:00:18,997
and I couldn't think of a damn thing.
9
00:00:18,999 --> 00:00:21,833
I'm blocked, Francine.
I don't have it anymore.
10
00:00:21,835 --> 00:00:23,468
[Crying] Maybe I never did!
11
00:00:23,470 --> 00:00:24,936
What? No!
12
00:00:24,938 --> 00:00:27,406
I found the events calendar
for Steve's school.
13
00:00:27,408 --> 00:00:29,241
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I forgot all about that
14
00:00:29,243 --> 00:00:31,977
because I-I've just been
flowing on my journal.
15
00:00:31,979 --> 00:00:35,247
Well, they're having an
assembly to promote abstinence.
16
00:00:35,249 --> 00:00:38,016
Shouldn't they be
learning about safe sex?
17
00:00:38,018 --> 00:00:39,951
Have you given Steve the talk?
18
00:00:39,953 --> 00:00:41,987
Steve doesn't need the talk.
He's not ready.
19
00:00:41,989 --> 00:00:45,457
Let's not tarnish the innocence
of Daddy's sexless little boy.
20
00:00:45,459 --> 00:00:47,926
Sexless?! Look at him!
21
00:00:47,928 --> 00:00:50,095
[Moaning]
22
00:00:50,097 --> 00:00:52,030
Ohh. [Chuckles]
23
00:00:52,032 --> 00:00:54,499
Mmm. Mmm.
24
00:00:54,501 --> 00:00:57,235
Whoa! Taking control!
25
00:00:57,237 --> 00:00:58,537
Rawr!
26
00:00:59,185 --> 00:01:01,273
He's playing a harmless
game of Quidditch.
27
00:01:01,275 --> 00:01:02,808
From "Harry Potter"?
28
00:01:02,810 --> 00:01:05,744
The kid wizard with two friends and,
like, tons of problems?
29
00:01:05,746 --> 00:01:07,879
Steve: Dang, girl! You a freak!
30
00:01:07,881 --> 00:01:09,614
[Moaning]
31
00:01:11,919 --> 00:01:13,819
I'm not fully versed on
the rules of Quidditch,
32
00:01:13,821 --> 00:01:16,588
but I think that's worth three points.
33
00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:22,260
? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
34
00:01:22,262 --> 00:01:25,931
? I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ?
35
00:01:25,933 --> 00:01:28,934
? The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ?
36
00:01:28,936 --> 00:01:32,771
? And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ?
37
00:01:35,409 --> 00:01:38,343
? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ?
38
00:01:38,345 --> 00:01:41,113
- ? Good... ?
- ? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
39
00:01:41,115 --> 00:01:42,147
Aah!
40
00:01:43,584 --> 00:01:46,685
? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
41
00:01:46,687 --> 00:01:49,387
[Mid-tempo music plays]
42
00:01:49,389 --> 00:01:51,756
? Stop, drop ?
43
00:01:51,758 --> 00:01:54,426
? Shut your legs, cover your slot ?
44
00:01:54,428 --> 00:01:56,862
? Whoa, oh ?
45
00:01:56,864 --> 00:02:00,031
? That's how us virgins roll ?
46
00:02:00,033 --> 00:02:02,434
Well,I'm certainly feeling turnt...
47
00:02:02,436 --> 00:02:04,202
away from sex!
48
00:02:04,204 --> 00:02:06,705
This next sketch shows us
how to stand up to someone
49
00:02:06,707 --> 00:02:08,974
that bullies you for
choosing abstinence.
50
00:02:08,976 --> 00:02:11,376
Now, who'd like to volunteer
to play our virgin?
51
00:02:11,378 --> 00:02:14,146
[Chuckling] Yeah. Can I volunteer
to get punched in the dick?
52
00:02:14,148 --> 00:02:15,947
What sucker's gonna go for...
53
00:02:15,949 --> 00:02:16,748
Aah!
54
00:02:16,750 --> 00:02:18,383
I got a virgin for ya!
55
00:02:18,385 --> 00:02:20,719
- [Laughter]
- Yeah! Mertz! Get him!
56
00:02:20,721 --> 00:02:22,354
Why aren't you stopping this?!
57
00:02:22,356 --> 00:02:26,057
'Cause I'm the straw that
stirs the drink, biotch.
58
00:02:26,059 --> 00:02:27,359
Whoo-hoo!
59
00:02:28,428 --> 00:02:31,630
Hi, Carl. Just gonna squeeze
in a quick cry before Algebra.
60
00:02:31,632 --> 00:02:32,898
You know the rules.
61
00:02:32,900 --> 00:02:35,534
Just don't look inside my black,
metal trunk.
62
00:02:36,770 --> 00:02:38,403
- Steve!
- Oh, hey.
63
00:02:38,405 --> 00:02:39,905
I wanted to introduce myself
64
00:02:39,907 --> 00:02:41,506
and say how great you did onstage.
65
00:02:41,508 --> 00:02:44,876
I thought it was really brave
how you stood your ground,
66
00:02:44,878 --> 00:02:47,112
silently crying when Mertz pantsed you.
67
00:02:47,114 --> 00:02:49,381
Then how you courageously
called out the names
68
00:02:49,383 --> 00:02:51,917
of other virgins Mertz
could pick on instead...
69
00:02:51,919 --> 00:02:53,485
until Principal Lewis came up
70
00:02:53,487 --> 00:02:55,854
and mimed ejaculating
yogurt all over you.
71
00:02:55,856 --> 00:02:58,089
And still, you did nothing...
absolutely nothing.
72
00:02:58,091 --> 00:02:59,624
Weren't you about to say your name?!
73
00:02:59,626 --> 00:03:01,126
I'm Shannon.
74
00:03:01,128 --> 00:03:03,028
I was wondering if you'd like
to join our purity group.
75
00:03:03,030 --> 00:03:04,996
We've been looking to
modernize by adding a boy,
76
00:03:04,998 --> 00:03:07,866
and it's obvious you're
a committed virgin.
77
00:03:07,868 --> 00:03:09,334
What's a purity group?
78
00:03:09,336 --> 00:03:11,903
Really? We just had,
like, a whole assembly...
79
00:03:11,905 --> 00:03:13,171
Never mind. [Chuckles]
80
00:03:13,173 --> 00:03:17,475
Uh, a group of us pledged to abstain
from any sexual activity until marriage.
81
00:03:17,477 --> 00:03:19,711
- Purposefully?
- Yeah!
82
00:03:19,713 --> 00:03:21,213
When you're not worrying about sex,
83
00:03:21,215 --> 00:03:23,381
there's time for all kinds of fun stuff.
84
00:03:23,383 --> 00:03:26,918
I-It's nerdy, but I'm writing
a play based on Deathstroke.
85
00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:29,020
The supervillain from DC Comics?
86
00:03:29,022 --> 00:03:30,789
You know, he prefers to go by...
87
00:03:30,791 --> 00:03:32,023
Both: ...Deathstroke the Terminator,
88
00:03:32,025 --> 00:03:33,792
although his real name is Slade Wilson.
89
00:03:33,794 --> 00:03:35,227
And don't forget about those...
90
00:03:35,229 --> 00:03:37,996
...haunting Vietnam flashbacks!
91
00:03:37,998 --> 00:03:39,097
Or that he...
92
00:03:39,099 --> 00:03:41,566
...murdered his first son!
93
00:03:41,568 --> 00:03:43,868
[Both laugh]
94
00:03:45,172 --> 00:03:47,672
Uh, eh, anyway... [Chuckles]
95
00:03:47,674 --> 00:03:48,940
...we're all meeting tonight.
96
00:03:48,942 --> 00:03:50,609
Hope you can make it.
97
00:03:51,445 --> 00:03:53,078
[Sniffs deeply]
98
00:03:54,248 --> 00:03:58,650
I... run... this... city!
99
00:04:00,997 --> 00:04:01,029
?
100
00:04:10,974 --> 00:04:20,949
?
101
00:04:20,951 --> 00:04:22,684
[Cheering]
102
00:04:22,686 --> 00:04:29,157
?
103
00:04:29,159 --> 00:04:33,228
This is the best place in the woooorld!
104
00:04:33,230 --> 00:04:35,997
I'm never going hoooome!
105
00:04:35,999 --> 00:04:36,831
[Click]
106
00:04:36,833 --> 00:04:38,066
Damn it. We came home.
107
00:04:38,068 --> 00:04:40,101
We spent 12 days at that slide,
108
00:04:40,103 --> 00:04:41,536
and it never got old.
109
00:04:41,538 --> 00:04:44,139
I'm already starting to
forget how awesome it felt.
110
00:04:44,141 --> 00:04:46,341
The anticipation climbing the ladder.
111
00:04:46,343 --> 00:04:49,344
The butterflies in your
stomach right before your turn.
112
00:04:49,346 --> 00:04:53,048
The permanent layer of moisture
on every restroom toilet seat.
113
00:04:53,050 --> 00:04:54,949
Together: Yes, yes! Yeah! That!
114
00:04:54,951 --> 00:04:56,985
But we left those feelings behind
115
00:04:56,987 --> 00:04:59,954
at the Coors Light Water
Kingdom in Oxford, Ohio.
116
00:04:59,956 --> 00:05:01,456
What if we could get them back?
117
00:05:01,458 --> 00:05:03,992
Look, we have a pool.
How hard can it be to build a slide?
118
00:05:03,994 --> 00:05:06,161
- You ever slipped on a wet spot?
- Yeah.
119
00:05:06,163 --> 00:05:09,130
Then you've already built a slide.
120
00:05:09,132 --> 00:05:09,964
I'm... sorry?
121
00:05:09,966 --> 00:05:12,834
We're building a sliiiiide!
122
00:05:12,836 --> 00:05:14,436
"Me wake up.
123
00:05:14,438 --> 00:05:16,237
"Francine there.
124
00:05:16,239 --> 00:05:17,505
I do shower."
125
00:05:17,507 --> 00:05:18,807
Damn it!
126
00:05:18,809 --> 00:05:20,342
Journals is hard!
127
00:05:20,344 --> 00:05:23,978
Stan, this is the eighth broom
we've gone through this month.
128
00:05:23,980 --> 00:05:26,448
You have to have the talk with Steve!
129
00:05:26,450 --> 00:05:27,349
I know.
130
00:05:27,351 --> 00:05:29,117
Then why don't you do it?!
131
00:05:29,119 --> 00:05:31,353
Because I'm afraid I'll do
it wrong and screw him up.
132
00:05:31,355 --> 00:05:32,821
That's what happened to me.
133
00:05:32,823 --> 00:05:34,255
What are you talking about?
134
00:05:34,257 --> 00:05:36,358
[Sighs] I've... never told you
135
00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:38,593
about the time my dad gave me the talk.
136
00:05:38,595 --> 00:05:40,061
[Harp plays]
137
00:05:40,063 --> 00:05:42,030
Although, technically,
it was more of a "watch."
138
00:05:42,032 --> 00:05:46,101
Jack: Yeah. Here's a little number
I call the Chattanooga Wheelbarrow.
139
00:05:46,103 --> 00:05:47,702
Might want to put on your poncho, son.
140
00:05:47,704 --> 00:05:49,304
You're in the splash zone!
141
00:05:49,306 --> 00:05:51,740
Hey, you got that 5 bucks
your mom gave you for candy?
142
00:05:51,742 --> 00:05:52,941
Fork it over.
143
00:05:52,943 --> 00:05:54,776
Woman: You're spoilin' me, Jack!
144
00:05:54,778 --> 00:05:57,011
It ain't for you, you silly hooker!
145
00:05:57,013 --> 00:05:58,947
This here's a smash-and-dash.
146
00:05:58,949 --> 00:06:00,915
Now, Stan, I hope you're taking notes,
147
00:06:00,917 --> 00:06:02,217
'cause this is how I...
148
00:06:02,219 --> 00:06:04,519
Ooh! Ooh, Christ! Oh! Oh!
149
00:06:04,521 --> 00:06:05,920
Looks like we struck oil!
150
00:06:05,922 --> 00:06:07,489
Hand me your blankie!
151
00:06:07,491 --> 00:06:08,690
[Harp plays]
152
00:06:08,692 --> 00:06:10,291
I was messed up for years.
153
00:06:10,293 --> 00:06:12,060
Well, you're a grown man now.
154
00:06:12,062 --> 00:06:15,530
And anything you tell Steve
will be better than this.
155
00:06:15,532 --> 00:06:17,298
[Sniffs] Mmm!
156
00:06:17,300 --> 00:06:19,634
Still has Shannon's scent on it.
157
00:06:19,636 --> 00:06:21,102
So pure.
158
00:06:21,104 --> 00:06:23,738
Well, time to crank it.
159
00:06:23,740 --> 00:06:25,740
What the hell?! Get out!
160
00:06:25,742 --> 00:06:27,175
I know it'll be awkward,
161
00:06:27,177 --> 00:06:29,811
but you're at an age where
we have to talk about...
162
00:06:29,813 --> 00:06:31,146
abstinence?
163
00:06:31,148 --> 00:06:34,115
Are you... not interested in sex?
164
00:06:34,117 --> 00:06:36,050
It's... It's complicated.
165
00:06:36,052 --> 00:06:37,452
This really cool girl
166
00:06:37,454 --> 00:06:39,521
invited me to a meeting at
the rec center tonight...
167
00:06:39,523 --> 00:06:40,355
No time to talk!
168
00:06:40,357 --> 00:06:41,956
- To the rec center!
- [Thud]
169
00:06:41,957 --> 00:06:43,857
_
170
00:06:45,695 --> 00:06:48,930
Oh, dang!
They got hopscotch up in this bitch?
171
00:06:48,932 --> 00:06:50,632
Steve! You made it!
172
00:06:50,634 --> 00:06:51,966
You must be Steve's dad.
173
00:06:51,968 --> 00:06:53,568
I'm Shannon's father... Michael.
174
00:06:53,570 --> 00:06:56,604
She mentioned he might come
pop his purity cherry tonight.
175
00:06:56,606 --> 00:06:58,973
[Laughs] That's just
a little virgin humor.
176
00:06:58,975 --> 00:07:01,776
They shouldn't be the
only ones having fun.
177
00:07:01,778 --> 00:07:03,077
Here. Give me your hand.
178
00:07:03,079 --> 00:07:06,047
I'll introduce you to everyone.
179
00:07:06,049 --> 00:07:07,282
I brought my play!
180
00:07:07,284 --> 00:07:09,017
Uh, you probably don't want to read it.
181
00:07:09,019 --> 00:07:10,385
You were just being nice.
182
00:07:10,387 --> 00:07:11,252
No, I'd love to.
183
00:07:11,254 --> 00:07:12,520
You really don't have to.
184
00:07:12,522 --> 00:07:14,355
I honestly would love to read it.
185
00:07:14,357 --> 00:07:15,990
You know what? Forget it.
186
00:07:15,992 --> 00:07:17,225
Just give me the damn play!
187
00:07:17,227 --> 00:07:18,526
Okay, I'll go get it.
188
00:07:18,528 --> 00:07:19,394
Sheesh!
189
00:07:19,396 --> 00:07:21,296
So, what is this purity group?
190
00:07:21,298 --> 00:07:24,265
Well, in these sordid times,
we fathers have a duty to serve
191
00:07:24,267 --> 00:07:28,136
as the authority and protector
of our daughter's purity...
192
00:07:28,138 --> 00:07:30,038
mind and body.
193
00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:31,573
We set a standard of manhood.
194
00:07:31,575 --> 00:07:34,075
And until they marry a man we choose,
195
00:07:34,077 --> 00:07:35,777
they pledge themselves to us.
196
00:07:35,779 --> 00:07:38,813
So... it's kind of like you're
dating your own daughter?
197
00:07:38,815 --> 00:07:40,281
It's exactly like that.
198
00:07:40,283 --> 00:07:42,217
Only way to ensure they grow up normal.
199
00:07:42,219 --> 00:07:44,786
So, do you still have to
give them the sex talk?
200
00:07:44,788 --> 00:07:46,421
[Laughter]
201
00:07:46,423 --> 00:07:48,857
They can't have sex.
What's there to talk about?
202
00:07:48,859 --> 00:07:50,425
We also get swords.
203
00:07:50,427 --> 00:07:51,659
Shut... up!
204
00:07:51,661 --> 00:07:54,496
They represent our role
as knights of purity.
205
00:07:54,498 --> 00:07:56,331
[Angelic singing]
206
00:07:56,333 --> 00:07:58,900
So, you know,
we have study group with our dads,
207
00:07:58,902 --> 00:08:00,301
movie night with our dads.
208
00:08:00,303 --> 00:08:03,571
Sometimes we skip the movies
and just go to the woods
209
00:08:03,573 --> 00:08:05,673
to kind of... hang out. [Chuckles]
210
00:08:05,675 --> 00:08:09,110
So... it's kind of like
you're dating your own dad?
211
00:08:09,112 --> 00:08:10,745
It's exactly like that!
212
00:08:10,747 --> 00:08:12,947
Huh.
213
00:08:12,949 --> 00:08:14,415
Well...
214
00:08:14,417 --> 00:08:18,520
'bout time for me to be hittin'
the ol' dusty trail.
215
00:08:19,689 --> 00:08:21,556
Steve. My son.
216
00:08:21,558 --> 00:08:24,125
Will you make me the happiest
daddy in the world...
217
00:08:24,127 --> 00:08:25,560
and date me?
218
00:08:25,562 --> 00:08:27,195
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Say "Yes."
219
00:08:27,197 --> 00:08:28,496
Oh, please say "Yes," Steve.
220
00:08:28,498 --> 00:08:31,065
If you join,
we can hang out all the time.
221
00:08:32,235 --> 00:08:35,103
Um... okay, I guess?
222
00:08:35,105 --> 00:08:38,206
- He said "Yeeeees"!
- [Cheering, bell tolls]
223
00:08:38,207 --> 00:08:40,107
Oh! I didn't know you guys had bells!
224
00:08:40,143 --> 00:08:43,011
It's a CD. Gary has a CD player.
225
00:08:47,005 --> 00:08:48,848
Hey, where were you this weekend?
226
00:08:48,850 --> 00:08:51,283
Sorry. I was hanging out
with some new friends.
227
00:08:51,285 --> 00:08:53,486
[Quietly] I also took a purity pledge.
I'm dating my dad.
228
00:08:53,488 --> 00:08:54,854
Mertz: A purity pledge?!
229
00:08:54,856 --> 00:08:55,688
Aah!
230
00:08:55,690 --> 00:08:57,573
Ohhh! Go easy, Mertz.
231
00:08:57,659 --> 00:08:59,425
No. Steve, we're cool.
232
00:08:59,427 --> 00:09:01,927
- I have too much respect for the pledge.
- You do?
233
00:09:01,929 --> 00:09:04,363
I'd kill to have that
kind of self-control,
234
00:09:04,365 --> 00:09:06,665
but I'm a slave to my carnal appetites.
235
00:09:06,667 --> 00:09:09,835
I keep waking up in
beds next to strangers.
236
00:09:09,837 --> 00:09:11,804
I live a dark life, Steve.
237
00:09:11,806 --> 00:09:15,941
Wow. Mertz, I had no idea you
were battling such demons.
238
00:09:15,943 --> 00:09:18,044
If you ever want to talk, I'm here, man.
239
00:09:18,076 --> 00:09:19,809
I-I think I'd like that.
240
00:09:19,811 --> 00:09:21,010
How about tomorrow?
241
00:09:21,012 --> 00:09:23,713
Maybe... over breakfast?
242
00:09:23,715 --> 00:09:24,847
Right after I'm done...
243
00:09:24,849 --> 00:09:26,849
banging your mom!
244
00:09:26,851 --> 00:09:27,884
- [Smack]
- Oh!
245
00:09:27,886 --> 00:09:29,652
[Laughing]
246
00:09:32,790 --> 00:09:34,123
I'm an animal!
247
00:09:34,125 --> 00:09:36,259
A broken, filthy animal!
248
00:09:36,261 --> 00:09:38,694
[Crying]
249
00:09:39,664 --> 00:09:43,232
Thank you, again, for volunteering
to help me improve my sword skills.
250
00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:45,468
I didn't! Please, I beg you, don't...
251
00:09:49,941 --> 00:09:51,340
Okay, that's your shoulder,
252
00:09:51,342 --> 00:09:54,744
so the cucumber should be right... here.
253
00:09:54,746 --> 00:09:55,778
[Muffled scream]
254
00:09:55,780 --> 00:09:56,746
- Stan!
- Huh?
255
00:09:56,748 --> 00:09:59,248
[Muffled sobbing, screaming]
256
00:10:06,224 --> 00:10:09,025
Whoa. That is not
what I was trying to do.
257
00:10:09,027 --> 00:10:10,593
Did you talk to Steve yet?
258
00:10:10,595 --> 00:10:12,428
Nope. He's joined a purity group,
259
00:10:12,430 --> 00:10:14,697
and now I can't give him the
talk even if I wanted to.
260
00:10:14,699 --> 00:10:16,399
- What?!
- [Muffled scream]
261
00:10:16,401 --> 00:10:19,669
I said,
Steve is taking a pledge of abstinence.
262
00:10:19,671 --> 00:10:21,604
I am his knight of chastity.
263
00:10:21,606 --> 00:10:23,906
Also his boyfriend. And I have a sword.
264
00:10:23,908 --> 00:10:27,043
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to
get ready for a date with my son.
265
00:10:27,045 --> 00:10:28,644
[Muffled scream]
266
00:10:37,322 --> 00:10:38,688
Hole-in-one!
267
00:10:38,690 --> 00:10:40,723
Bombs away!
268
00:10:40,725 --> 00:10:42,692
[Imitates farting]
269
00:10:42,694 --> 00:10:43,993
[Giggles]
270
00:10:45,229 --> 00:10:48,030
? Hey, hey, you, you,
I don't like your girlfriend ?
271
00:10:48,032 --> 00:10:51,167
? No way, no way,
I think you need a new one ?
272
00:10:51,169 --> 00:10:54,670
? Hey, hey, you, you,
I could be your girlfriend ?
273
00:10:55,707 --> 00:10:56,973
[Horse neighs]
274
00:10:56,975 --> 00:10:59,842
? Hey, hey, you, you,
I know that you like me ?
275
00:10:59,844 --> 00:11:02,912
? No way, no way,
you know it's not a secret ?
276
00:11:02,914 --> 00:11:07,216
? Hey, hey, you, you,
I want to be your girlfriend ?
277
00:11:08,786 --> 00:11:10,386
? Hey, hey ?
278
00:11:10,388 --> 00:11:11,787
? I know that you like me ?
279
00:11:11,789 --> 00:11:13,289
? No way ?
280
00:11:13,291 --> 00:11:14,523
? No, it's not a secret ?
281
00:11:14,525 --> 00:11:16,392
? Hey, hey ?
282
00:11:16,394 --> 00:11:17,526
? I want to be your girlfriend ?
283
00:11:17,528 --> 00:11:20,363
? No way, no way ?
284
00:11:20,365 --> 00:11:22,498
? Hey, hey ?
285
00:11:23,334 --> 00:11:25,167
Roger: Here?
286
00:11:25,169 --> 00:11:26,736
Maybe here?
287
00:11:26,738 --> 00:11:28,437
I don't know.
288
00:11:28,439 --> 00:11:30,373
I... think that looks right?
289
00:11:30,375 --> 00:11:31,941
I guess.
290
00:11:31,943 --> 00:11:32,975
Meaning we're done!
291
00:11:32,977 --> 00:11:35,144
[Fanfare]
292
00:11:35,146 --> 00:11:36,846
I can't believe we finished!
293
00:11:36,848 --> 00:11:37,880
Whoa!
294
00:11:37,882 --> 00:11:39,715
Now, that's what I'm talking about!
295
00:11:39,717 --> 00:11:42,084
Um, excuse me. Who exactly are you?
296
00:11:42,086 --> 00:11:43,085
I'm Kyle.
297
00:11:43,087 --> 00:11:44,854
Look, uh, Kyle, was it?
298
00:11:44,856 --> 00:11:48,457
We built this slide to recapture
this amazing butterfly feeling,
299
00:11:48,459 --> 00:11:50,393
so if you could just respect that
300
00:11:50,395 --> 00:11:52,261
and kind of what we're all about...
301
00:11:52,263 --> 00:11:54,397
Suck my [bleep], losers!
302
00:11:56,100 --> 00:12:00,102
[Angelic singing]
303
00:12:00,104 --> 00:12:02,004
[Crash, car alarm blaring]
304
00:12:03,174 --> 00:12:04,940
[Blaring continues]
305
00:12:04,942 --> 00:12:07,910
Did that sound like he landed
in someone else's pool?
306
00:12:10,348 --> 00:12:12,515
The kids love the purity ball.
307
00:12:12,517 --> 00:12:14,483
There's dinner and speeches,
308
00:12:14,485 --> 00:12:17,586
and it all ends in a beautiful
dance with their dads...
309
00:12:17,588 --> 00:12:18,954
which symbolizes their commitment
310
00:12:18,956 --> 00:12:21,323
to not have sex until marriage.
311
00:12:22,293 --> 00:12:24,427
And not to talk about it, either.
312
00:12:24,429 --> 00:12:26,028
Higher.
313
00:12:26,130 --> 00:12:27,830
Higher.
314
00:12:27,832 --> 00:12:28,898
[Farts]
315
00:12:28,900 --> 00:12:30,266
- Whoa!
- [Thud]
316
00:12:31,436 --> 00:12:33,903
Did you hear that guy
fart across the room?
317
00:12:33,905 --> 00:12:35,871
[Giggles]
318
00:12:35,873 --> 00:12:38,741
Steve, now that we're finally alone,
319
00:12:38,743 --> 00:12:41,077
can I confess something?
320
00:12:41,079 --> 00:12:43,879
I... wish you were my dad.
321
00:12:43,881 --> 00:12:44,980
W... hat?
322
00:12:44,982 --> 00:12:48,651
You know... so... I could date you.
323
00:12:48,653 --> 00:12:49,919
Oh.
324
00:12:52,323 --> 00:12:53,856
What the hell is this?!
325
00:12:53,858 --> 00:12:55,191
Holding hands?
326
00:12:55,193 --> 00:12:56,826
You strumpets!
327
00:12:56,828 --> 00:12:58,394
And what is that smell?!
328
00:12:58,396 --> 00:13:00,896
I-I'm... I'm sorry!
Dad, I-I... I don't...
329
00:13:00,898 --> 00:13:02,531
I should have seen this coming.
330
00:13:02,533 --> 00:13:04,333
You've had way too much freedom lately.
331
00:13:04,335 --> 00:13:05,968
I'm moving you back into my bedroom!
332
00:13:05,970 --> 00:13:09,138
If anybody should move
into your bedroom, it's me, sir.
333
00:13:09,140 --> 00:13:12,408
I made Shannon hold hands,
and I wanted more!
334
00:13:12,410 --> 00:13:13,542
[All gasp]
335
00:13:13,544 --> 00:13:15,211
We should have never let a boy join!
336
00:13:15,213 --> 00:13:16,312
He's obsessed!
337
00:13:16,314 --> 00:13:18,247
Soiling the sanctity of the group
338
00:13:18,249 --> 00:13:20,116
and horning in on our chicks!
339
00:13:20,118 --> 00:13:21,984
Out! Both of you!
340
00:13:21,986 --> 00:13:24,120
[Quietly] But then I'll
have to give him the talk.
341
00:13:24,122 --> 00:13:25,387
[Harp plays]
342
00:13:25,389 --> 00:13:27,022
Jack: Damn it, I lost my watch!
343
00:13:27,024 --> 00:13:29,558
Get over here, son.
You've got small hands.
344
00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:31,160
[Harp plays]
345
00:13:31,162 --> 00:13:33,662
Wait! There must be
something we can do to stay!
346
00:13:33,664 --> 00:13:37,733
There is... one thing you can do.
347
00:13:37,735 --> 00:13:40,236
Sex Aversion Therapy Camp?!
348
00:13:40,238 --> 00:13:42,800
Stan: You say that
like it's a bad thing. Try this.
349
00:13:42,974 --> 00:13:45,574
[Excitedly] Sex Aversion Therapy Camp!
350
00:13:49,399 --> 00:13:51,198
Wha... Wha... What is this?!
351
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,234
I don't need sex-aversion therapy!
352
00:13:53,236 --> 00:13:54,802
[Projector whirring]
353
00:13:54,804 --> 00:13:56,804
- [Slow orchestral music plays]
- That's a handsome couple.
354
00:13:56,806 --> 00:13:59,373
Pretty beach. Wonder where that is.
355
00:13:59,375 --> 00:14:00,675
Oh. Well, now they're...
356
00:14:00,677 --> 00:14:03,044
now they're taking it to the bedroom.
357
00:14:03,046 --> 00:14:05,746
Ooh. Little PG-13.
358
00:14:05,748 --> 00:14:08,749
Ooh! Off comes the bra!
359
00:14:08,751 --> 00:14:11,285
Hmm. Maybe this...
maybe this camp isn't so bad.
360
00:14:11,287 --> 00:14:12,420
[Screams]
361
00:14:12,422 --> 00:14:13,955
Oh, gross!
362
00:14:15,391 --> 00:14:17,124
Stop! Turn it off!
363
00:14:17,126 --> 00:14:18,426
[Clang]
364
00:14:18,428 --> 00:14:21,529
Sweet Jesus, have mercy!
365
00:14:22,732 --> 00:14:24,098
Blaaaah!
366
00:14:24,100 --> 00:14:26,033
Euggggh!
367
00:14:26,035 --> 00:14:26,901
Aaagh!
368
00:14:26,903 --> 00:14:28,536
Ohhhh! Aaagh!
369
00:14:28,538 --> 00:14:30,771
Please, stop! Stop it!
370
00:14:30,773 --> 00:14:34,976
Please, stop showing me
photos of that hideous woman!
371
00:14:34,978 --> 00:14:36,811
Eugggggaaaaaaaaah!
372
00:14:38,158 --> 00:14:40,969
I can't believe our slide
actually got a guy killed.
373
00:14:41,004 --> 00:14:42,283
What if somebody finds out?!
374
00:14:42,285 --> 00:14:44,018
Everybody, just be cool!
375
00:14:44,020 --> 00:14:47,521
If we all did our job,
no one's going to find out anything.
376
00:14:47,603 --> 00:14:50,170
I buried our bathing
suits and the tools.
377
00:14:50,172 --> 00:14:52,272
[Shakily] I cut Kyle's body into pieces
378
00:14:52,274 --> 00:14:53,541
and dissolved it in acid.
379
00:14:53,623 --> 00:14:54,955
And I have every intention
380
00:14:54,957 --> 00:14:56,624
of getting rid of his board shorts.
381
00:14:56,626 --> 00:14:57,858
Then that's everything.
382
00:14:57,860 --> 00:14:59,927
There's not a single shred of evidence
383
00:14:59,929 --> 00:15:01,629
linking us to his death.
384
00:15:01,631 --> 00:15:02,897
This your slide?
385
00:15:02,899 --> 00:15:04,532
Mother[bleep]. The slide.
386
00:15:04,534 --> 00:15:05,900
We forgot about the slide!
387
00:15:05,902 --> 00:15:08,235
Dirk Turlington, waterpark detective.
388
00:15:08,237 --> 00:15:10,771
Got a report of a man missing
after riding a waterslide.
389
00:15:10,773 --> 00:15:12,273
Well, not ours!
390
00:15:12,275 --> 00:15:14,241
This is a slide town, guy!
391
00:15:14,243 --> 00:15:16,744
Swing a dead Kyle, and you'll hit one.
392
00:15:16,746 --> 00:15:20,047
I, uh... never mentioned the name Kyle.
393
00:15:20,049 --> 00:15:22,583
These board shorts are mine!
394
00:15:27,290 --> 00:15:28,522
Great.
395
00:15:28,524 --> 00:15:30,724
You folks have yourselves
a wonderful day.
396
00:15:30,726 --> 00:15:32,826
Turlington exits.
397
00:15:32,828 --> 00:15:36,030
Did he...
Did he just say, "Turlington exits"?
398
00:15:38,634 --> 00:15:40,334
And... done.
399
00:15:40,336 --> 00:15:43,237
Again, I apologize.
That's never happened before.
400
00:15:43,239 --> 00:15:44,538
Woman: Mr. Smith?
401
00:15:45,408 --> 00:15:48,409
There's, uh... my boy.
402
00:15:48,411 --> 00:15:49,977
You, uh... you looked tired.
403
00:15:49,979 --> 00:15:51,512
Camp must have been fun.
404
00:15:51,514 --> 00:15:54,081
[Monotone] Steve... pure.
405
00:15:54,083 --> 00:15:56,317
I bet you got in a prank
war with those preppies
406
00:15:56,319 --> 00:15:59,220
at the Gay Conversion
Therapy Camp across the lake!
407
00:15:59,222 --> 00:16:00,988
[Groans]
408
00:16:02,491 --> 00:16:04,491
Let's get this slide down fast.
409
00:16:04,493 --> 00:16:06,260
That detective gave me the creeps.
410
00:16:06,262 --> 00:16:07,828
Which detective?
411
00:16:07,830 --> 00:16:08,996
Is the gate open?
412
00:16:08,998 --> 00:16:10,831
It's like Grand Central back here.
413
00:16:10,833 --> 00:16:12,766
Forensics came back from the lab...
414
00:16:12,768 --> 00:16:15,102
says that Kyle's flight
path originated...
415
00:16:15,104 --> 00:16:16,303
from this slide.
416
00:16:16,305 --> 00:16:19,173
There's no way!
O-Our slide is totally safe!
417
00:16:19,175 --> 00:16:21,642
Great. Then I can close the case.
418
00:16:21,644 --> 00:16:24,078
Right after one of you goes down it.
419
00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:25,713
No problem.
420
00:16:25,715 --> 00:16:27,681
Oh, you bitch!
421
00:16:27,683 --> 00:16:29,917
[Wind whistling]
422
00:16:31,721 --> 00:16:34,154
Just gonna test the water.
423
00:16:34,156 --> 00:16:35,589
[Whoosh]
424
00:16:40,429 --> 00:16:41,862
Cool!
425
00:16:41,864 --> 00:16:45,566
[Shakily] Okay, it's...
slidin' time, y'all.
426
00:16:47,303 --> 00:16:48,302
[Whoosh]
427
00:16:48,304 --> 00:16:49,570
[Crackling]
428
00:16:49,572 --> 00:16:51,305
[Sizzling]
429
00:16:54,644 --> 00:16:56,644
- He did it!
- Alright, Roger!
430
00:16:56,646 --> 00:16:59,580
Well, I guess I had it all wrong.
431
00:16:59,582 --> 00:17:01,081
Case closed.
432
00:17:01,083 --> 00:17:02,316
Unsolved.
433
00:17:02,318 --> 00:17:03,684
Cold as chowder.
434
00:17:03,686 --> 00:17:05,886
I'm a cold-chowder man.
435
00:17:05,888 --> 00:17:08,956
You can really taste the clams that way.
436
00:17:08,958 --> 00:17:10,891
Mmmmm.
437
00:17:12,428 --> 00:17:13,727
Roger, are you okay?
438
00:17:13,729 --> 00:17:15,429
That sounded... awful.
439
00:17:15,431 --> 00:17:17,698
I'm cool. My hands took the worst of it.
440
00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:20,000
Nothing a little ice can't fix.
441
00:17:25,608 --> 00:17:28,175
[Indistinct conversations]
442
00:17:28,177 --> 00:17:30,844
The beginnings of these
dances are always so awkward.
443
00:17:30,846 --> 00:17:33,647
Girls on one side of the room,
dads on the other.
444
00:17:33,649 --> 00:17:35,282
Everyone's all nervous.
445
00:17:35,284 --> 00:17:38,252
My trick?
Picture them in their underwear.
446
00:17:38,254 --> 00:17:39,586
Yeah, that's...
447
00:17:39,588 --> 00:17:40,688
Uh... thanks.
448
00:17:40,690 --> 00:17:42,323
Looks like the camp went great.
449
00:17:43,726 --> 00:17:45,559
I'm so glad you're here.
450
00:17:45,561 --> 00:17:47,127
[Gags]
451
00:17:47,129 --> 00:17:48,395
Um...
452
00:17:48,397 --> 00:17:50,331
do you... like my dress?
453
00:17:51,867 --> 00:17:53,667
[Heaving]
454
00:17:55,037 --> 00:17:59,139
Alright, fathers,
find your daughters or son,
455
00:17:59,141 --> 00:18:03,977
because it's time for the
ceremonial purity dance.
456
00:18:03,979 --> 00:18:06,280
[Slow music plays]
457
00:18:09,919 --> 00:18:12,286
Hey, bud. May I have this dance?
458
00:18:12,288 --> 00:18:13,287
Okay.
459
00:18:13,289 --> 00:18:16,023
Oh! Coming on a little strong, son.
460
00:18:16,025 --> 00:18:18,192
[Muffled] I won't feel sick
if I don't look at them.
461
00:18:18,194 --> 00:18:20,694
You can't even look at girls anymore?
462
00:18:20,696 --> 00:18:22,129
Oh, my God.
463
00:18:23,332 --> 00:18:25,666
Steve, Steve, look at me!
What is this for?
464
00:18:25,668 --> 00:18:26,967
Sweeping.
465
00:18:26,969 --> 00:18:28,869
You don't want to hump it? Or suck it?
466
00:18:28,871 --> 00:18:31,071
[Sobbing] Is my baby boy even in there?!
467
00:18:31,073 --> 00:18:33,374
Deejay:
Lot of beautiful couples out there.
468
00:18:33,376 --> 00:18:36,276
Lot of beautiful couples out there!
469
00:18:37,646 --> 00:18:38,912
This is insane!
470
00:18:38,914 --> 00:18:40,714
Steve, I'm so sorry!
471
00:18:40,716 --> 00:18:42,282
But I was out of control.
472
00:18:42,284 --> 00:18:44,218
No, I was the one with the problem.
473
00:18:44,220 --> 00:18:46,019
I was so worried I might screw you up
474
00:18:46,021 --> 00:18:47,788
that I got you involved
in this craziness,
475
00:18:47,790 --> 00:18:49,490
and it screwed you up even worse!
476
00:18:49,492 --> 00:18:50,758
Come on, Stan.
477
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:52,960
Everybody's gettin' freaky out here!
478
00:18:52,962 --> 00:18:54,528
Enough of this.
479
00:18:54,530 --> 00:18:55,963
Shannon, your dad's a creep.
480
00:18:55,965 --> 00:18:57,464
[Sighing] Yeah.
481
00:18:59,902 --> 00:19:01,168
Stan, what are you doing?
482
00:19:01,170 --> 00:19:03,370
Listen up! These two like each other!
483
00:19:03,372 --> 00:19:06,206
And they don't need
us getting in the way!
484
00:19:08,978 --> 00:19:11,445
Step away from the door.
485
00:19:13,249 --> 00:19:14,481
Don't you see?
486
00:19:14,483 --> 00:19:16,917
The more we shelter them from sex,
the harder it'll be
487
00:19:16,919 --> 00:19:19,153
for them to make good
decisions on their own.
488
00:19:21,223 --> 00:19:22,890
- Charge!
- [All shout]
489
00:19:22,892 --> 00:19:24,324
Come on! [Grunts]
490
00:19:24,326 --> 00:19:26,560
Do you really want them
learning everything about sex
491
00:19:26,562 --> 00:19:27,961
on their wedding nights?
492
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:30,564
Steve, I-I feel like ever since
493
00:19:30,566 --> 00:19:33,367
you came back from the
sexual-reprogramming camp,
494
00:19:33,369 --> 00:19:36,470
things have been...
different between us.
495
00:19:36,472 --> 00:19:37,838
[Gags]
496
00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:39,640
Their feelings for
each other are natural!
497
00:19:39,642 --> 00:19:42,009
We should give them the
information and the space
498
00:19:42,011 --> 00:19:43,844
to safely explore those feelings,
499
00:19:43,846 --> 00:19:47,581
because they're people,
and sex is part of the human experience!
500
00:19:47,583 --> 00:19:48,549
Aah!
501
00:19:48,551 --> 00:19:50,317
Are you getting this, son?
502
00:19:50,319 --> 00:19:52,619
Because I think this is
me giving you the talk.
503
00:19:52,621 --> 00:19:54,121
Steve?
504
00:19:54,890 --> 00:19:56,790
[Harp plays]
505
00:19:57,993 --> 00:19:59,960
[Harp plays]
506
00:20:02,097 --> 00:20:04,832
I think there's been enough talk.
507
00:20:04,834 --> 00:20:06,834
[Both moaning, swords clanking]
508
00:20:06,836 --> 00:20:08,836
Stan: I can't hold out much longer, son!
509
00:20:08,838 --> 00:20:10,270
Jump kick!
510
00:20:14,376 --> 00:20:18,245
[Monitor beeping, ventilator hissing]
511
00:20:18,247 --> 00:20:19,613
[Groans]
512
00:20:19,615 --> 00:20:20,914
Dad, you're awake!
513
00:20:20,916 --> 00:20:23,717
Is it the future?
Did we make it to Mars?
514
00:20:23,719 --> 00:20:25,719
Are Legos affordable again?
515
00:20:25,721 --> 00:20:27,387
Not quite, but, Dad,
516
00:20:27,389 --> 00:20:29,823
thanks for protecting me
and Shannon back there.
517
00:20:29,825 --> 00:20:31,458
I should have all along.
518
00:20:31,460 --> 00:20:34,361
I put so much pressure
on having the talk,
519
00:20:34,363 --> 00:20:36,497
but there shouldn't be one talk.
520
00:20:36,499 --> 00:20:37,764
It should be talks.
521
00:20:37,766 --> 00:20:39,333
I may not have every answer,
522
00:20:39,335 --> 00:20:42,769
but if you have questions,
you can always ask me.
523
00:20:42,771 --> 00:20:44,605
I do have one question.
524
00:20:44,607 --> 00:20:45,639
[Slow music plays]
525
00:20:45,641 --> 00:20:46,739
May I have this dance?
526
00:20:51,118 --> 00:20:53,318
Thanks for making me horny again, Dad.
527
00:20:54,521 --> 00:20:56,288
And... I'm out.
528
00:20:58,392 --> 00:21:00,259
Have a great night!
529
00:21:02,260 --> 00:21:04,260
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
530
00:21:04,310 --> 00:21:08,860
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