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1
00:00:03,899 --> 00:00:05,662
Why am I at this wedding?
2
00:00:05,687 --> 00:00:08,607
Stan, Dr. Kalgary's been our evil doctor
3
00:00:08,654 --> 00:00:10,677
ever since he tried
to cut Steve's legs off.
4
00:00:10,702 --> 00:00:12,569
He delivered Jeff when Roger gave birth.
5
00:00:12,630 --> 00:00:14,453
And he's my best friend, Stan.
6
00:00:14,478 --> 00:00:16,359
Sounds like a real tool.
7
00:00:16,723 --> 00:00:18,375
Wow, packed house!
8
00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:21,966
I had no idea Dr. Kalgary was
from such a big family.
9
00:00:22,005 --> 00:00:24,639
For us Germans, families
are like areolas...
10
00:00:24,641 --> 00:00:26,307
the bigger, the better.
11
00:00:26,309 --> 00:00:28,943
Whoa! Is that who I think it is?
12
00:00:28,945 --> 00:00:31,246
Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me.
13
00:00:31,248 --> 00:00:32,781
I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a bother,
14
00:00:32,783 --> 00:00:35,250
but aren't you on "American Pickers"?
15
00:00:35,252 --> 00:00:37,519
You're... the fat guy!
16
00:00:37,521 --> 00:00:38,720
I sure am!
17
00:00:38,722 --> 00:00:40,288
That's my favorite show!
18
00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:42,924
The way you guys find
old people's valuable stuff
19
00:00:42,926 --> 00:00:44,926
they forgot about
and just drive off with it,
20
00:00:44,928 --> 00:00:47,061
it's my dream to be an American Picker.
21
00:00:47,063 --> 00:00:50,165
Well, you don't have to dream.
Anybody can be a picker!
22
00:00:50,167 --> 00:00:52,634
Hey, if you don't want to knight
me as a picker, that's fine.
23
00:00:52,636 --> 00:00:54,169
But don't lie right to my face.
24
00:00:54,171 --> 00:00:56,689
[Sighs] Fine. You're an American Picker.
25
00:00:56,714 --> 00:00:59,798
- Yes! Can I make other people pickers?
- Sure.
26
00:00:59,924 --> 00:01:01,590
Picker... picker... goose!
27
00:01:01,592 --> 00:01:04,059
Can't catch me! [Giggles]
28
00:01:04,061 --> 00:01:06,095
Is... Is Dad leaving?
29
00:01:06,097 --> 00:01:07,630
Hmm, looks like it.
30
00:01:07,632 --> 00:01:10,265
Better show the goods.
31
00:01:10,267 --> 00:01:12,701
Mama needs a ride home.
32
00:01:14,472 --> 00:01:17,640
Marriage is the union
of husband and wife.
33
00:01:17,642 --> 00:01:20,442
He's created so many monsters.
34
00:01:20,444 --> 00:01:24,046
Now it's time to create a family.
35
00:01:24,048 --> 00:01:26,248
What, are you work-shopping
your speech right now?
36
00:01:26,250 --> 00:01:27,483
Shut the hell up, man!
37
00:01:27,485 --> 00:01:29,852
And now the ring.
38
00:01:31,822 --> 00:01:33,689
Very good, Billy.
39
00:01:40,698 --> 00:01:43,365
You may kiss the bride!
40
00:01:45,703 --> 00:01:47,603
[Both moaning softly]
41
00:01:47,605 --> 00:01:51,473
Now I have a mommy to bathe me!
42
00:01:54,222 --> 00:01:57,183
? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
43
00:01:57,293 --> 00:02:00,549
? I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ?
44
00:02:00,551 --> 00:02:03,452
? The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ?
45
00:02:03,454 --> 00:02:08,090
? And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ?
46
00:02:09,794 --> 00:02:13,195
? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ?
47
00:02:13,197 --> 00:02:15,964
- ? Good... ?
- ? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
48
00:02:15,966 --> 00:02:16,965
Aah!
49
00:02:18,269 --> 00:02:20,869
? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
50
00:02:20,893 --> 00:02:23,906
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
51
00:02:25,009 --> 00:02:26,909
Why did my best-man speech bomb?
52
00:02:26,911 --> 00:02:28,877
Was it the story of me and Kalgary
53
00:02:28,879 --> 00:02:32,014
bing-bonging that hooker or all
the "Doctor Who" references?
54
00:02:32,016 --> 00:02:33,649
That wedding was today?
55
00:02:33,651 --> 00:02:35,284
Geez, would have been nice
to get an invite.
56
00:02:35,286 --> 00:02:38,353
I invited you at breakfast,
and you threw a banana at me.
57
00:02:38,355 --> 00:02:39,488
Ugh!
58
00:02:39,490 --> 00:02:41,457
Oh, what a night.
59
00:02:41,459 --> 00:02:42,825
I'm so bummed it's over.
60
00:02:42,827 --> 00:02:44,193
You really love a wedding, huh?
61
00:02:44,195 --> 00:02:46,762
Not at all.
Churches give me the willies.
62
00:02:46,764 --> 00:02:49,932
God snooping on you
like a big, ol' perv.
63
00:02:49,934 --> 00:02:53,702
I just love being part
of a big family function.
64
00:02:53,704 --> 00:02:57,172
I've always dreamed of having
a big family like that.
65
00:02:57,174 --> 00:02:58,507
What are you saying, Mama?
66
00:02:58,509 --> 00:03:00,075
Are we not enough for you?
67
00:03:00,077 --> 00:03:01,510
No, you guys are great...
68
00:03:01,512 --> 00:03:04,546
a great start to
the large family I wish I had.
69
00:03:04,548 --> 00:03:06,782
But Roger's like a ton of people
all in one!
70
00:03:06,784 --> 00:03:09,017
None of my personas are family.
71
00:03:09,019 --> 00:03:12,354
Do you think this has anything
to do with you being adopted?
72
00:03:12,356 --> 00:03:14,156
Being adopted...
73
00:03:14,158 --> 00:03:16,058
Is that something that affects people?
74
00:03:16,060 --> 00:03:17,993
Why don't you go to the adoption center
75
00:03:17,995 --> 00:03:19,495
and see what you can find.
76
00:03:19,497 --> 00:03:21,196
That's exactly what I should do!
77
00:03:21,198 --> 00:03:23,098
I adopted a highway once,
78
00:03:23,100 --> 00:03:26,735
so this is all hitting me
on a deeply personal level.
79
00:03:26,737 --> 00:03:28,103
[Glass shatters]
80
00:03:32,243 --> 00:03:33,776
Mom, what the hell?!
81
00:03:33,778 --> 00:03:35,043
Hayley, watch your language
82
00:03:35,045 --> 00:03:37,346
in front of your new brothers
and sisters.
83
00:03:37,348 --> 00:03:40,549
This is Gus... Lily...
84
00:03:40,551 --> 00:03:42,551
Tooth-face...
85
00:03:42,553 --> 00:03:43,819
Amy Schumer...
86
00:03:43,821 --> 00:03:46,155
Looks just like Amy Schumer, right?
87
00:03:46,157 --> 00:03:48,190
Tony Gama-Lobo...
88
00:03:48,192 --> 00:03:50,159
Ford Festiva...
89
00:03:50,161 --> 00:03:51,393
Slimer...
90
00:03:51,395 --> 00:03:53,428
Baby-onc�...
91
00:03:53,430 --> 00:03:55,063
Ass-Rash, and...
92
00:03:55,065 --> 00:03:57,466
[whispering] He Who Shall Not Be Named.
93
00:03:57,468 --> 00:04:00,035
Mom, I meant you should
go to the adoption center
94
00:04:00,037 --> 00:04:02,104
and get your birth parents' information.
95
00:04:03,107 --> 00:04:06,276
Right! Right! No, I totally diat.
96
00:04:06,343 --> 00:04:08,043
These are just my friends.
97
00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:12,925
[Humming]
98
00:04:12,927 --> 00:04:15,328
Really disappointing pick
over at Greg's house
99
00:04:15,353 --> 00:04:16,452
while he was at work.
100
00:04:16,477 --> 00:04:18,796
All I could find was
this copper wiring in his walls.
101
00:04:18,858 --> 00:04:21,601
I don't know this show,
"American Pickers."
102
00:04:21,603 --> 00:04:23,302
I know "American Brickers."
103
00:04:23,304 --> 00:04:26,406
It's about losers who can't hit
free-throws...
104
00:04:26,408 --> 00:04:29,546
like Shaq! [Laughs]
105
00:04:30,211 --> 00:04:32,345
Here, I'll show ya.
106
00:04:32,347 --> 00:04:34,347
- [Upbeat music plays]
- This is ridiculous, Stan.
107
00:04:34,349 --> 00:04:37,083
They'll never find anything
in that dusty barn.
108
00:04:37,085 --> 00:04:39,686
Holy moly! An old bike seat!
109
00:04:39,688 --> 00:04:41,320
It's not as easy as they make it look.
110
00:04:41,322 --> 00:04:42,944
I'm starting to think
I shouldn't have quit
111
00:04:42,969 --> 00:04:44,405
my job at the CIA.
112
00:04:44,515 --> 00:04:46,913
_
113
00:04:47,874 --> 00:04:49,195
Hi.
114
00:04:49,197 --> 00:04:52,398
I was hear earlier.
I don't know if you remember me.
115
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:54,133
Of course we do!
116
00:04:54,135 --> 00:04:55,935
You did such an amazing thing,
117
00:04:55,937 --> 00:04:58,037
giving all those needy children a home.
118
00:04:58,039 --> 00:05:00,673
We were so impressed by your generosity
119
00:05:00,675 --> 00:05:03,042
that we put your picture on the wall.
120
00:05:03,044 --> 00:05:06,045
Oh! My LinkedIn profile pic.
121
00:05:06,047 --> 00:05:09,682
I actually need
to talk to you, um... Francine?
122
00:05:09,684 --> 00:05:11,184
Wait, you're name is Francine?
123
00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:14,353
Yep. After your amazing act of charity,
124
00:05:14,355 --> 00:05:17,523
all of us here
decided to take your name.
125
00:05:17,525 --> 00:05:18,791
Hey, Francine!
126
00:05:18,793 --> 00:05:20,693
Me and Francine are going to lunch,
127
00:05:20,695 --> 00:05:22,628
but Francine is covering the phones.
128
00:05:22,630 --> 00:05:23,930
Thanks, Francine!
129
00:05:23,932 --> 00:05:26,632
Now, what can I do for you, Francine?
130
00:05:26,634 --> 00:05:28,901
Well, I don't know if you know this,
131
00:05:28,903 --> 00:05:32,271
but I was actually adopted myself.
132
00:05:32,273 --> 00:05:33,406
Ew, that sucks!
133
00:05:33,408 --> 00:05:36,709
Anyway, I was hoping
I could get the phone number
134
00:05:36,711 --> 00:05:38,211
for my birth parents.
135
00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:41,147
For you, anything.
136
00:05:41,149 --> 00:05:44,751
Hmm... sad story, sad story,
sad story, sad story.
137
00:05:44,753 --> 00:05:46,385
Oh, here ya go!
138
00:05:46,387 --> 00:05:48,254
Thank you!
139
00:05:48,256 --> 00:05:52,625
Well, I guess this humble hero
will now go home
140
00:05:52,627 --> 00:05:55,428
and shape and mold the future.
141
00:06:02,437 --> 00:06:05,204
Wah! Wah! Wah!
142
00:06:05,206 --> 00:06:07,740
Nice try, Arnell. Get out.
143
00:06:07,742 --> 00:06:09,175
Wah?!
144
00:06:11,646 --> 00:06:13,679
[Sighs deeply]
145
00:06:13,681 --> 00:06:15,815
[Dialing]
146
00:06:15,817 --> 00:06:17,483
Man: Hello?
147
00:06:17,508 --> 00:06:20,162
- Dad?
- Mom?
148
00:06:20,164 --> 00:06:21,654
What? No.
149
00:06:21,656 --> 00:06:23,856
It's... Francine.
150
00:06:23,858 --> 00:06:26,626
Wait. Francine from the tire store,
151
00:06:26,628 --> 00:06:31,130
or Francine, the baby
I gave away 40 years ago?
152
00:06:31,132 --> 00:06:33,343
'Cause if it's the one
from the tire store,
153
00:06:33,434 --> 00:06:36,403
a lot of catching up to do!
154
00:06:39,798 --> 00:06:42,732
I only had a short phone call
with my father,
155
00:06:42,734 --> 00:06:46,202
but when you're family, you
connect on a whole other level.
156
00:06:46,204 --> 00:06:47,837
You guys wouldn't understand.
157
00:06:47,839 --> 00:06:50,573
We have a family... this one!
158
00:06:50,575 --> 00:06:52,709
Hmm. How do I explain this.
159
00:06:52,711 --> 00:06:57,046
Okay, this is my origin story,
like Batman.
160
00:06:57,048 --> 00:06:58,781
His parents were bats.
161
00:06:58,783 --> 00:07:01,384
Now I'm finding out where I came from.
162
00:07:01,386 --> 00:07:05,455
My whole extended family is
gonna be at Dad's for a reunion.
163
00:07:05,457 --> 00:07:08,758
It's gonna be like
my Fortress of Solitude.
164
00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:10,960
People everywhere.
165
00:07:14,132 --> 00:07:16,666
Oh, baby, this is
the perfect place for a pick.
166
00:07:16,668 --> 00:07:19,135
You can just tell it's filled
with old motorcycles
167
00:07:19,137 --> 00:07:21,104
and broken cigarette vending machines.
168
00:07:21,106 --> 00:07:22,638
[Indistinct conversations]
169
00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:24,941
Dad?
170
00:07:24,943 --> 00:07:30,880
Hello, Francine.
171
00:07:30,882 --> 00:07:34,717
My darling daughter. My only child.
172
00:07:34,719 --> 00:07:36,919
It's so good to finally meet you.
173
00:07:36,921 --> 00:07:40,556
Oh, and these must be my granddaughters.
174
00:07:40,558 --> 00:07:42,625
Um, yes! Yes, they are!
175
00:07:42,627 --> 00:07:44,093
- Mom!
- Just go with it!
176
00:07:44,095 --> 00:07:46,329
Hey, so glad you're here.
177
00:07:46,331 --> 00:07:49,257
But I gotta pop out
and pay for the taco truck.
178
00:07:49,312 --> 00:07:50,911
Taco truck?
179
00:07:50,913 --> 00:07:53,347
Whoa! I think this guy's rich!
180
00:07:53,349 --> 00:07:56,017
Well, if it isn't
the long-lost daughter.
181
00:07:56,019 --> 00:07:57,385
We all know your game.
182
00:07:57,387 --> 00:07:59,253
Obviously here
to weasel your way into the will
183
00:07:59,255 --> 00:08:01,555
now that Nicholas is
getting up there in age.
184
00:08:01,557 --> 00:08:03,324
It's clear that you need the money.
185
00:08:03,326 --> 00:08:04,392
Look at your husband.
186
00:08:07,130 --> 00:08:11,299
Damn. I thought there'd be candy
or a little homey inside here.
187
00:08:11,301 --> 00:08:13,000
I got my eye on you.
188
00:08:14,704 --> 00:08:17,104
You're a piece of shit.
189
00:08:19,375 --> 00:08:21,609
I have to apologize
for your cousin Janet.
190
00:08:21,611 --> 00:08:24,478
Trust me, we're not all
that bad. [Chuckles]
191
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:26,414
I think you'll really like
the rest of us.
192
00:08:26,416 --> 00:08:29,784
Well, besides
Nicholas' gross cat, Marmalade.
193
00:08:29,786 --> 00:08:31,919
[Purring]
194
00:08:38,227 --> 00:08:39,727
[Gagging]
195
00:08:39,729 --> 00:08:41,162
On the hardwood, Marmalade!
196
00:08:41,164 --> 00:08:43,798
Do it on the hardwood!
197
00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:46,100
Oh, Marmalade.
198
00:08:49,439 --> 00:08:54,342
I'm so glad you could all make
it to the Dawson Family Reunion.
199
00:08:54,344 --> 00:08:58,279
Especially my long-lost
daughter, Francine.
200
00:08:58,281 --> 00:09:01,849
Ah, I wish your mother could be here.
201
00:09:01,851 --> 00:09:04,752
Ooh. Had I mentioned she was dead?
202
00:09:04,754 --> 00:09:06,354
Car crash.
203
00:09:06,356 --> 00:09:09,824
She saw a car crash
and had a heart attack.
204
00:09:09,826 --> 00:09:11,492
Got her to the hospital in time,
205
00:09:11,494 --> 00:09:15,196
but then she picked up
a flesh-eating virus.
206
00:09:15,198 --> 00:09:16,731
She beat it.
207
00:09:16,733 --> 00:09:18,766
She was a fighter.
208
00:09:18,768 --> 00:09:21,035
Hanged herself upstairs.
209
00:09:21,037 --> 00:09:24,271
Little picker's tip... Where
there's rope, there's treasure.
210
00:09:24,273 --> 00:09:27,908
Oh, and, guys, now, I know
I sound like a broken record,
211
00:09:27,910 --> 00:09:34,048
but please, please log your
phones onto the house's Wi-Fi.
212
00:09:34,050 --> 00:09:36,083
I pay for our family plan,
213
00:09:36,085 --> 00:09:38,919
and you're killing me
with the data charges!
214
00:09:38,921 --> 00:09:41,922
Don't test me on this.
215
00:09:41,924 --> 00:09:45,159
The password is
"pussy gourmand." No space.
216
00:09:45,161 --> 00:09:46,227
Mama?
217
00:09:46,229 --> 00:09:48,763
The man said someone died upstairs.
218
00:09:48,765 --> 00:09:51,465
What if I see a g-g-g-ghost?
219
00:09:51,467 --> 00:09:53,000
I don't know, Steve.
220
00:09:53,002 --> 00:09:55,903
You'll probably p-p-p-piss your pants.
221
00:09:55,905 --> 00:09:57,872
Now, go mingle, you guys!
222
00:09:57,874 --> 00:10:00,508
Meet your big family.
223
00:10:02,678 --> 00:10:03,677
So, you're the cat, huh?
224
00:10:03,679 --> 00:10:05,079
Meow.
225
00:10:05,081 --> 00:10:07,248
God bless ya, you commit.
226
00:10:10,052 --> 00:10:12,420
Come on, vintage motorcycle!
227
00:10:13,189 --> 00:10:17,525
Ugh! These weapons are all
brand-new... unpickable!
228
00:10:18,895 --> 00:10:22,196
Aww, creepy surveillance equipment.
229
00:10:23,032 --> 00:10:25,065
A carpeted bathroom?
230
00:10:25,067 --> 00:10:27,401
This guy's a real nut job.
231
00:10:29,005 --> 00:10:31,105
Yeah, making a picture of my mom,
232
00:10:31,107 --> 00:10:33,140
'cause we have such a special bond.
233
00:10:33,142 --> 00:10:35,576
Hey, buddy, can you pass the tortellini?
234
00:10:35,578 --> 00:10:38,546
My mom has the most amazing
tortellini eyes.
235
00:10:38,548 --> 00:10:41,182
[Laughter]
236
00:10:41,184 --> 00:10:43,851
Wait, all of you get Jack Nicholson
237
00:10:43,853 --> 00:10:46,220
and Jack Nicklaus confused, too?!
238
00:10:46,222 --> 00:10:48,088
Must run in the family!
239
00:10:48,090 --> 00:10:51,192
I have a little trick...
Jack Nicholson invented
240
00:10:51,194 --> 00:10:55,429
the Arnold Palmer
on the set of "Godfathers."
241
00:10:55,431 --> 00:10:58,732
Oh, hey! I love that macaroni art.
242
00:10:58,734 --> 00:11:00,601
Mom, what do you think of mine?!
243
00:11:00,603 --> 00:11:01,836
Mom?! Mom?!
244
00:11:01,838 --> 00:11:04,505
Special bond, huh?
245
00:11:07,410 --> 00:11:08,976
Mmm! Mmm!
246
00:11:08,978 --> 00:11:10,444
How's this feel?
247
00:11:10,446 --> 00:11:11,645
You like this?
248
00:11:11,647 --> 00:11:13,147
I'm eating your art.
249
00:11:13,149 --> 00:11:16,317
That's not mine. This is mine.
250
00:11:16,319 --> 00:11:18,052
[Sighs]
251
00:11:32,034 --> 00:11:33,334
Long day?
252
00:11:33,336 --> 00:11:35,503
It's been a real grind lately.
253
00:11:35,505 --> 00:11:36,704
Used to be a great gig,
254
00:11:36,706 --> 00:11:39,440
but Nicholas has become a miser
in his old age.
255
00:11:39,442 --> 00:11:42,042
I used to get these cans,
the wet food...
256
00:11:42,044 --> 00:11:44,445
Turkey and peas, chicken with gravy,
257
00:11:44,447 --> 00:11:46,247
this tuna one that was out of sight.
258
00:11:46,249 --> 00:11:48,182
But now all I get is the dry crap.
259
00:11:48,184 --> 00:11:49,350
It's driving me...
260
00:11:59,061 --> 00:12:00,461
...crazy.
261
00:12:00,463 --> 00:12:02,863
And don't even get me started
with my cat tower.
262
00:12:02,865 --> 00:12:04,164
The thing is 10 years old.
263
00:12:04,166 --> 00:12:05,799
I [bleep] shredded that thing.
264
00:12:05,801 --> 00:12:07,101
I get my revenge, though.
265
00:12:07,103 --> 00:12:08,969
I've been peeing on his baseball cards.
266
00:12:08,971 --> 00:12:10,237
This all sounds like a lot of work.
267
00:12:10,239 --> 00:12:12,306
Oh, this is my lowest
maintenance character.
268
00:12:12,308 --> 00:12:14,508
The only hard part is
chopping up my dumps
269
00:12:14,510 --> 00:12:16,644
into cat-sized pieces.
270
00:12:18,147 --> 00:12:20,681
[Laughter]
271
00:12:20,683 --> 00:12:24,618
Hey! We all pretend laugh
the exact same way!
272
00:12:24,620 --> 00:12:26,620
[Laughter]
273
00:12:26,622 --> 00:12:27,621
Mom, can we go?
274
00:12:27,623 --> 00:12:29,089
Yeah, Uncle Paul keeps asking me
275
00:12:29,091 --> 00:12:30,858
to stir his chardonnay with my finger.
276
00:12:30,860 --> 00:12:33,594
Go? This is my family.
277
00:12:33,596 --> 00:12:34,595
Why don't you go?
278
00:12:34,597 --> 00:12:36,463
I can't believe what I'm hearing!
279
00:12:36,465 --> 00:12:38,198
You're choosing them over us?
280
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:41,669
Only for the weekend,
or longer if they'll have me.
281
00:12:45,708 --> 00:12:49,243
They say a large family is a blessing.
282
00:12:49,245 --> 00:12:52,980
But they, obviously,
never had to foot the bill
283
00:12:52,982 --> 00:12:55,382
for a large family's data plan.
284
00:12:55,384 --> 00:12:58,786
And I told you not to test me.
285
00:12:58,788 --> 00:13:00,487
Oh, God, did I tell you.
286
00:13:00,489 --> 00:13:03,123
I told you in every way
I could think of.
287
00:13:03,125 --> 00:13:05,292
So, what do we do about it?
288
00:13:06,395 --> 00:13:10,564
Well, firstly,
all your phones are cut off.
289
00:13:12,602 --> 00:13:17,104
And, secondly, you will all
be trapped on the property
290
00:13:17,106 --> 00:13:19,206
and forced to kill each other
291
00:13:19,208 --> 00:13:21,709
until there is only one survivor,
292
00:13:21,711 --> 00:13:25,179
who I will welcome back with open arms
293
00:13:25,181 --> 00:13:28,082
to the family phone plan.
294
00:13:28,084 --> 00:13:30,584
A battle... to the death!
295
00:13:30,586 --> 00:13:33,287
[Chuckles] This is a joke, right?
296
00:13:33,289 --> 00:13:35,456
Now, to get the ball rolling,
297
00:13:35,458 --> 00:13:38,659
I've set out a sumptuous buffet
of weapons.
298
00:13:38,661 --> 00:13:40,961
Oh, and 10 minutes left
on the taco truck.
299
00:13:40,963 --> 00:13:42,329
These things are real!
300
00:13:42,331 --> 00:13:44,398
He actually expects us
to kill each other.
301
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:46,367
This time, the old man's gone too far!
302
00:13:46,369 --> 00:13:49,737
And I, for one, refuse to play his game!
303
00:13:52,208 --> 00:13:53,574
[All gasp]
304
00:13:53,576 --> 00:13:56,176
That was an accident.
Let's all stay calm.
305
00:13:56,178 --> 00:13:57,878
There's no need to lose our heads.
306
00:13:57,880 --> 00:13:59,513
[All gasp]
307
00:14:01,584 --> 00:14:04,184
Game on! Kill or be killed!
308
00:14:04,186 --> 00:14:07,121
[All screaming]
309
00:14:07,123 --> 00:14:09,189
[Munching]
310
00:14:14,130 --> 00:14:15,829
[Sighs]
311
00:14:15,831 --> 00:14:17,431
[Crunching]
312
00:14:19,777 --> 00:14:22,344
New... account.
313
00:14:23,614 --> 00:14:24,914
New account!
314
00:14:24,916 --> 00:14:26,348
Screw this. I'm hanging up!
315
00:14:26,350 --> 00:14:31,720
No, Nicholas, don't do anything crazy.
316
00:14:31,722 --> 00:14:33,022
Help!
317
00:14:33,024 --> 00:14:34,990
Somebody, please!
318
00:14:36,394 --> 00:14:41,096
Sarah, Patrick, Aunt Jesse,
we don't have to do this.
319
00:14:41,098 --> 00:14:42,798
After you kill me, what?
320
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:44,233
You turn on each other?
321
00:14:44,235 --> 00:14:46,035
Oh, my God.
322
00:14:46,037 --> 00:14:47,364
She's right.
323
00:14:47,389 --> 00:14:48,721
Well, well, well!
324
00:14:48,723 --> 00:14:50,890
Looks like everybody's in agreement,
325
00:14:50,892 --> 00:14:53,626
just like that Christmas
we agreed no presents,
326
00:14:53,628 --> 00:14:55,662
but what was under the tree?
327
00:14:55,664 --> 00:14:59,098
An ice cream maker for ol' Aunt Jesse.
328
00:14:59,100 --> 00:15:01,868
Made me feel like a real turd.
329
00:15:10,311 --> 00:15:12,812
Wait. I'm not on their family plan.
330
00:15:12,814 --> 00:15:14,180
I can call Stan!
331
00:15:14,182 --> 00:15:15,381
[Gasps]
332
00:15:19,954 --> 00:15:21,154
[Gasps]
333
00:15:23,692 --> 00:15:25,491
All: ? Tweedily-deedly-deedly-dee ?
334
00:15:25,493 --> 00:15:26,626
? Tweedily-deedly-deedly-dee ?
335
00:15:26,628 --> 00:15:28,094
? Tweedily-deedly-deedly-dee ?
336
00:15:28,096 --> 00:15:29,228
? Tweedily-deedly-deedly-dee ?
337
00:15:29,230 --> 00:15:30,563
? Tweedily-deedly-deedly-dee ?
338
00:15:30,565 --> 00:15:31,698
? Tweedily-deedly-deedly-dee ?
339
00:15:31,700 --> 00:15:34,333
? Tweet, tweet, tweet-tweet ?
340
00:15:34,335 --> 00:15:36,936
? He rocks in the tree tops
all day long ?
341
00:15:36,938 --> 00:15:39,672
? Hoppin' and a-boppin'
and a-singing his song ?
342
00:15:39,674 --> 00:15:42,408
? All the little birds
on Jaybird Street ?
343
00:15:42,410 --> 00:15:44,110
? Love to hear the robin go ?
344
00:15:44,112 --> 00:15:45,144
? Tweet, tweet, tweet ?
345
00:15:45,146 --> 00:15:46,579
? Rockin' Robert ?
346
00:15:46,581 --> 00:15:48,181
What? I thought we were doing
"Rockin' Robin."
347
00:15:48,183 --> 00:15:52,318
No, this is my extremely mild
parody, "Rockin' Robert."
348
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:54,721
It's Francine, right?
349
00:15:54,723 --> 00:15:57,824
No matter.
You won't be around much longer.
350
00:15:57,826 --> 00:16:01,060
Quick pitch... Instead of shooting me,
351
00:16:01,062 --> 00:16:03,830
we all take a trip to Jackson Hole!
352
00:16:05,300 --> 00:16:07,767
- [Grunting]
- I... think you want to...
353
00:16:07,769 --> 00:16:10,436
I know how to load a crossbow!
354
00:16:12,674 --> 00:16:14,574
Hyah!
355
00:16:17,712 --> 00:16:18,578
Hey, Franny.
356
00:16:18,580 --> 00:16:20,179
Roger! Thank God!
357
00:16:20,181 --> 00:16:22,348
I need your help! I need yours, too.
358
00:16:22,350 --> 00:16:23,616
Hunting for the wet food.
359
00:16:23,618 --> 00:16:25,451
I know he's got it in here somewhere.
360
00:16:25,453 --> 00:16:27,887
We're looking for
that Hills Science Diet.
361
00:16:27,889 --> 00:16:29,789
Keeps my U.T.I. in check.
362
00:16:30,558 --> 00:16:32,225
Roger, do something!
363
00:16:33,728 --> 00:16:34,861
[Sneezes]
364
00:16:34,863 --> 00:16:36,362
Oh, that stupid cat!
365
00:16:36,364 --> 00:16:37,263
[Sneezes]
366
00:16:37,265 --> 00:16:40,733
My damn allergies!
367
00:16:40,735 --> 00:16:41,934
[Sneezes]
368
00:16:41,936 --> 00:16:44,971
Screw this. I'm killing the cat first!
369
00:16:44,973 --> 00:16:46,873
[Sneezing]
370
00:16:54,115 --> 00:16:55,081
Gotcha!
371
00:16:55,083 --> 00:16:56,149
[Sneezes]
372
00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:58,225
- Thank you.
- Okay, come on!
373
00:16:58,250 --> 00:17:00,139
We got to get to
the north lawn right now!
374
00:17:00,164 --> 00:17:01,201
Is it safe there?
375
00:17:01,226 --> 00:17:03,523
No, very dangerous. Wide open.
We'll be sitting ducks.
376
00:17:03,525 --> 00:17:05,558
But there's a tree
that I like to sit next to
377
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:06,926
and stare out into nothingness
378
00:17:06,928 --> 00:17:09,095
for three or four hours every day.
379
00:17:09,097 --> 00:17:11,430
Cats are ridiculous.
380
00:17:13,902 --> 00:17:16,169
[Chopping noises and family screaming]
381
00:17:16,171 --> 00:17:17,770
[Chainsaw whirring]
382
00:17:17,772 --> 00:17:22,141
This is probably suicide to
stand up here, but I don't care!
383
00:17:22,143 --> 00:17:26,579
We are family! Surely we
don't want to kill each other!
384
00:17:26,581 --> 00:17:28,648
[Distorted]
Well, that's only one opinion!
385
00:17:29,684 --> 00:17:31,450
What the hell are you doing?!
386
00:17:31,452 --> 00:17:33,719
Why did you save me?
I thought you hated me.
387
00:17:33,721 --> 00:17:35,555
I'm a bitch, not a monster.
388
00:17:35,557 --> 00:17:37,924
- We're screwed!
- No, we're not.
389
00:17:37,926 --> 00:17:38,991
I have a secret weapon.
390
00:17:38,993 --> 00:17:42,195
You do? Is it a giant laser beam?
391
00:17:42,197 --> 00:17:44,330
I never told you
what I did for a living.
392
00:17:44,332 --> 00:17:46,465
I'm an Avon lady.
393
00:17:46,467 --> 00:17:49,836
[Dramatic music plays]
394
00:17:55,610 --> 00:18:00,213
Francine: So, if I get
five people to join under me...
395
00:18:00,215 --> 00:18:03,282
Then they're your chain, but
they're also part of my chain.
396
00:18:03,284 --> 00:18:05,017
Okay, this is confusing.
397
00:18:05,019 --> 00:18:07,653
I'm just gonna give you
all my credit cards.
398
00:18:17,599 --> 00:18:21,033
I went to a picnic, and
I brought apples, boners...
399
00:18:21,035 --> 00:18:22,134
[Both laugh]
400
00:18:22,136 --> 00:18:23,870
...candy, diarrhea...
401
00:18:23,872 --> 00:18:26,072
[Both laugh]
402
00:18:26,074 --> 00:18:27,607
[Beep]
403
00:18:27,609 --> 00:18:31,244
That's odd. Francine's never
used this much data before.
404
00:18:31,246 --> 00:18:33,746
Yeah, I don't think Mom
even knows she has a smartphone.
405
00:18:33,748 --> 00:18:36,182
She thinks bluetooth is
a legendary pirate.
406
00:18:36,184 --> 00:18:38,818
I'm gonna call her to make sure
everything is okay.
407
00:18:41,923 --> 00:18:43,522
[Ringing]
408
00:18:47,996 --> 00:18:51,797
You got Derrick, and please
tell me you are fine as hell.
409
00:18:51,799 --> 00:18:54,367
From the ground up!
Now, where the hell's my wife?!
410
00:18:54,369 --> 00:18:56,736
Uh, she probably deceased.
411
00:18:56,738 --> 00:18:58,304
[Engine revs, tires squeal]
412
00:18:58,306 --> 00:19:00,907
What is happening?!
413
00:19:07,882 --> 00:19:11,017
Uncle Nicholas, I'm the last one!
414
00:19:11,019 --> 00:19:12,551
I've killed everyone!
415
00:19:12,553 --> 00:19:16,555
Finally, it's my time to shine!
416
00:19:20,962 --> 00:19:22,595
No, it can't be!
417
00:19:22,597 --> 00:19:24,997
Now I have no family!
418
00:19:24,999 --> 00:19:27,233
Where did I go wrong?!
419
00:19:27,235 --> 00:19:29,835
Oh, no! I'm too late!
420
00:19:29,837 --> 00:19:32,038
[Sobbing]
421
00:19:33,841 --> 00:19:37,877
Dry those bitch tears and tongue
kiss me, you big galoot.
422
00:19:37,879 --> 00:19:40,112
Francine! You're alive!
423
00:19:40,114 --> 00:19:42,715
Janet just made us up to look
like we were dead.
424
00:19:42,717 --> 00:19:45,551
[Dramatic music plays]
425
00:19:45,553 --> 00:19:48,187
I'm so sorry I wasn't appreciative
426
00:19:48,189 --> 00:19:50,222
of my perfect small family.
427
00:19:50,224 --> 00:19:52,291
You're the only family I need,
428
00:19:52,293 --> 00:19:54,493
and the only one I'll ever have,
429
00:19:54,495 --> 00:19:56,696
because everyone else is dead.
430
00:19:56,698 --> 00:19:58,864
Oh, except for my new cousin, Janet.
431
00:19:58,866 --> 00:20:00,266
So, I'll need the money up front
432
00:20:00,268 --> 00:20:02,735
for those four cases
of Summer Skin-Sation we...
433
00:20:02,737 --> 00:20:05,838
Oh, God, no. That was just bush talk.
434
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:08,774
We're gonna have to figure out
a new way home.
435
00:20:08,776 --> 00:20:10,810
Oh, my God! A barn!
436
00:20:11,612 --> 00:20:13,746
I think we're gonna be all right.
437
00:20:13,748 --> 00:20:16,816
Because every episode of
"American Pickers" ends with...
438
00:20:18,820 --> 00:20:24,156
...them finding Indian
motorcycles in a barn!
439
00:20:25,827 --> 00:20:30,563
Well, at least I still have you,
Marmalade,
440
00:20:30,565 --> 00:20:33,566
and your delicious cat food.
441
00:20:35,403 --> 00:20:37,803
- Mmm!
- Ugh.
442
00:20:41,442 --> 00:20:43,943
You're really shedding badly, Marmalade.
443
00:20:43,945 --> 00:20:47,680
Maybe I should put you
back on the wet food.
444
00:20:47,682 --> 00:20:50,383
? These happy days are your and mine ?
445
00:20:50,385 --> 00:20:55,221
? These happy days are yours
and mine, happy days ?
446
00:20:55,271 --> 00:20:59,821
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