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1
00:00:01,366 --> 00:00:03,792
_
2
00:00:03,800 --> 00:00:05,466
Can you believe Dad makes us listen
3
00:00:05,509 --> 00:00:07,842
to his physical results every year?
4
00:00:07,890 --> 00:00:10,290
Can you believe I've
never had a physical?
5
00:00:10,338 --> 00:00:12,304
Okay, I have a critically
ill child to check on,
6
00:00:12,349 --> 00:00:14,182
so, Mr. Smith,
let's get this over with...
7
00:00:14,225 --> 00:00:16,692
- Stan: Play the intro music!
- I don't think that's necessary.
8
00:00:16,740 --> 00:00:18,840
- Play the music, nerd!
- [Sighs]
9
00:00:18,885 --> 00:00:21,386
[Up-tempo music playing]
10
00:00:21,433 --> 00:00:24,200
Before we hear what
amazing shape I'm in,
11
00:00:24,250 --> 00:00:26,216
I wanna thank all you Stanamaniacs
12
00:00:26,261 --> 00:00:27,994
for coming out in full force.
13
00:00:28,037 --> 00:00:29,937
Doc, tell 'em what papa's packin'.
14
00:00:29,982 --> 00:00:32,349
Well, you've put on 5 pounds
since last year.
15
00:00:32,395 --> 00:00:33,627
Bigger...
16
00:00:33,670 --> 00:00:34,836
is...
17
00:00:34,876 --> 00:00:36,042
better!
18
00:00:36,083 --> 00:00:37,349
You shrunk a quarter of an inch.
19
00:00:37,390 --> 00:00:39,858
So much man in such a tiny package!
20
00:00:39,905 --> 00:00:41,338
And your cholesterol is high.
21
00:00:41,380 --> 00:00:43,881
Are there no heights I can't reach?!
22
00:00:43,928 --> 00:00:45,828
Cholesterol is a serious issue.
23
00:00:45,872 --> 00:00:47,906
[Under breath] Forget cholesterol.
We're losing them.
24
00:00:47,951 --> 00:00:49,317
Bring out the big guns.
25
00:00:49,358 --> 00:00:51,192
Um, it's looking like, down the line,
26
00:00:51,236 --> 00:00:53,336
your left knee is gonna
need to be replaced.
27
00:00:53,381 --> 00:00:56,449
Right knee carrying the
team to the finish line!
28
00:00:56,498 --> 00:00:59,233
?
29
00:00:59,281 --> 00:01:01,848
Oh, I know.
Tell 'em if I have AIDS or not.
30
00:01:01,897 --> 00:01:04,597
You, uh, still don't have AIDS.
31
00:01:04,646 --> 00:01:05,878
Hear that, Francine?
32
00:01:05,919 --> 00:01:08,686
Doc's giving me a
prescription for raw doggin'!
33
00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:11,036
Yeah!
34
00:01:13,766 --> 00:01:16,031
? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
35
00:01:16,077 --> 00:01:19,812
? I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ?
36
00:01:19,865 --> 00:01:23,000
? The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ?
37
00:01:23,050 --> 00:01:27,285
? And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ?
38
00:01:29,486 --> 00:01:32,687
? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ?
39
00:01:32,738 --> 00:01:35,372
- ? Good... ?
- ? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
40
00:01:35,419 --> 00:01:36,652
Aah!
41
00:01:38,069 --> 00:01:41,404
? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
42
00:01:43,666 --> 00:01:45,266
- [Indistinct conversations]
- I don't think this is
43
00:01:45,309 --> 00:01:48,944
the best place to eat for
someone with your cholesterol.
44
00:01:48,998 --> 00:01:50,197
Mmm.
45
00:01:50,237 --> 00:01:52,204
Dad, milk? Isn't that...
46
00:01:52,249 --> 00:01:53,515
Way ahead of you, Hayley.
47
00:01:53,557 --> 00:01:56,124
It's not milk. It's ranch dressing...
48
00:01:56,171 --> 00:01:57,938
from the Lazy Ranch River!
49
00:01:57,981 --> 00:02:00,081
Stan, the doctor gave you
this health journal
50
00:02:00,126 --> 00:02:02,493
to monitor your fitness
and eating habits.
51
00:02:02,541 --> 00:02:04,341
Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
52
00:02:04,385 --> 00:02:06,418
And you heard my stool sample results...
53
00:02:06,464 --> 00:02:09,632
Too hard to test.
54
00:02:09,681 --> 00:02:11,347
But you're getting older.
55
00:02:11,391 --> 00:02:13,457
You need to take care of yourself.
56
00:02:13,503 --> 00:02:15,503
We still have a lot of memories to make.
57
00:02:15,548 --> 00:02:17,148
Of course we do, honey.
58
00:02:17,190 --> 00:02:19,490
Now I'm gonna see how close
the ranch river gets me
59
00:02:19,537 --> 00:02:21,170
to the cheese cauldron.
60
00:02:21,213 --> 00:02:22,779
[Splash, whistle blows]
61
00:02:22,822 --> 00:02:24,321
Sir, you need to wear goggles!
62
00:02:24,365 --> 00:02:26,331
That ranch is highly chlorinated!
63
00:02:26,376 --> 00:02:28,042
If he doesn't change his lifestyle,
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00:02:28,086 --> 00:02:29,719
something terrible could happen.
65
00:02:29,763 --> 00:02:31,763
Sadly,
people are often set in their ways
66
00:02:31,807 --> 00:02:33,840
until something really rattles them,
67
00:02:33,886 --> 00:02:36,086
like a... like a near-death experience.
68
00:02:36,131 --> 00:02:39,065
So we just hope he has
a near-death experience?
69
00:02:39,115 --> 00:02:42,716
Hope? A near-death experience
is something I can guarantee.
70
00:02:42,769 --> 00:02:44,202
You know how E.T. could
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00:02:44,244 --> 00:02:46,411
make a cute little
nightlight with his finger?
72
00:02:46,456 --> 00:02:48,022
Well, I slept with his puppeteer.
73
00:02:48,066 --> 00:02:49,565
However, that's unrelated to the fact
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00:02:49,608 --> 00:02:52,275
that my species is 60% electricity.
75
00:02:52,322 --> 00:02:54,589
Why do you think my Umbros
are always so static-y?
76
00:02:54,637 --> 00:02:56,603
- Anyway, I can use this...
- [Crackling]
77
00:02:56,648 --> 00:02:59,215
...to stop and restart Stan's heart.
78
00:02:59,263 --> 00:03:01,096
He'll think he had a heart attack.
79
00:03:01,141 --> 00:03:04,776
Just give him the little scare he needs.
Watch.
80
00:03:04,828 --> 00:03:06,628
- [Electricity zaps]
- Dead.
81
00:03:06,671 --> 00:03:08,137
- [Electricity zaps]
- Alive.
82
00:03:08,180 --> 00:03:11,181
Now go get me the recipe
for this tangy Thai sauce.
83
00:03:12,740 --> 00:03:14,373
[Indistinct conversations]
84
00:03:14,415 --> 00:03:16,982
I can't believe I missed the
college fair at school today.
85
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,429
Isn't it a little early
86
00:03:18,471 --> 00:03:20,605
for you guys to be
worrying about all that?
87
00:03:20,650 --> 00:03:22,350
No way! I'm already behind!
88
00:03:22,394 --> 00:03:25,762
Look, Barry already signed his
letter of intent to Gonzaga.
89
00:03:25,813 --> 00:03:29,314
Klaus: You know Coach Few's
gonna get the most out of him.
90
00:03:30,282 --> 00:03:32,606
Oh, man, if you knew
what I have in store for you,
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00:03:32,652 --> 00:03:35,854
all your worries would melt away.
92
00:03:35,904 --> 00:03:37,570
You'd be swaddled tight,
93
00:03:37,614 --> 00:03:41,082
wrapped safely in my
freshly laundered plans...
94
00:03:41,134 --> 00:03:43,468
Klaus, what the [bleep]
are you talking about?
95
00:03:43,514 --> 00:03:45,114
During my college years in Germany,
96
00:03:45,157 --> 00:03:47,491
I did a semester abroad
at Arizona State.
97
00:03:47,536 --> 00:03:49,269
I'll take you to see the campus,
98
00:03:49,314 --> 00:03:51,614
introduce you to some choice people.
99
00:03:51,659 --> 00:03:53,659
You'll be golden!
100
00:03:53,705 --> 00:03:55,004
I don't know.
101
00:03:55,046 --> 00:03:56,613
Isn't Arizona State a party school?
102
00:03:56,655 --> 00:04:00,156
How dare you?! ASU's got everything!
103
00:04:00,209 --> 00:04:03,010
It was ranked number one in
"Innovation."
104
00:04:03,059 --> 00:04:05,092
- By who?
- By the rankers!
105
00:04:05,137 --> 00:04:07,504
It's also got a sick baseball team
106
00:04:07,550 --> 00:04:11,786
and the only Chili's Too
that's not in an airport.
107
00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:18,190
Great. Now go get me the
recipe for the zesty ranch.
108
00:04:18,244 --> 00:04:20,113
I didn't know I'd want the zesty ranch
109
00:04:20,256 --> 00:04:21,922
when I sent you for the tangy Thai.
110
00:04:21,966 --> 00:04:23,565
I tried to text you.
111
00:04:28,026 --> 00:04:29,233
What's with all the coffee?
112
00:04:29,275 --> 00:04:32,075
After the amount of cheese
I consumed at Fuddruckers,
113
00:04:32,125 --> 00:04:33,224
it takes three pots' worth
114
00:04:33,264 --> 00:04:36,065
- just to get my system running again.
- Wow.
115
00:04:36,114 --> 00:04:39,549
Roger, this finger zapping
thing isn't gonna hurt, right?
116
00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:40,899
- Not a bit.
- [Crackling]
117
00:04:40,941 --> 00:04:43,709
- [Electricity zaps]
- [Groaning]
118
00:04:43,757 --> 00:04:45,957
You said it wasn't gonna hurt!
119
00:04:46,004 --> 00:04:48,337
No, I said it wouldn't hurt me.
120
00:04:48,383 --> 00:04:51,584
You! Need! To listen! Girl!
121
00:04:53,576 --> 00:04:55,512
Well, you are a lucky man.
122
00:04:55,557 --> 00:04:58,325
You had a heart attack,
but you made a full recovery.
123
00:04:58,374 --> 00:05:00,941
[Strained voice] Turn
the music on for me.
124
00:05:00,988 --> 00:05:03,122
You are capable of turning on a boombox
125
00:05:03,167 --> 00:05:06,369
one foot away all by yourself.
126
00:05:06,419 --> 00:05:08,652
Do it... nerd.
127
00:05:08,699 --> 00:05:10,031
[Sighs deeply]
128
00:05:10,073 --> 00:05:11,539
[Soft music playing]
129
00:05:11,581 --> 00:05:12,781
I owe you all an apology.
130
00:05:12,822 --> 00:05:14,221
Except you, nerd,
131
00:05:14,263 --> 00:05:16,096
But I should've listened to you guys.
132
00:05:16,140 --> 00:05:17,740
?
133
00:05:17,783 --> 00:05:19,883
From here on out, it's more exercise,
134
00:05:19,929 --> 00:05:22,095
healthier eating, and better choices.
135
00:05:22,142 --> 00:05:24,075
And I choose... Doc, next track.
136
00:05:24,119 --> 00:05:26,119
- [Rock music playing]
- ...to be a lean, mean,
137
00:05:26,165 --> 00:05:27,798
muscle flexin' machine.
138
00:05:27,841 --> 00:05:29,574
Like a phoenix, I shall rise!
139
00:05:29,617 --> 00:05:33,785
Because to be the man,
you have to beat the man!
140
00:05:33,841 --> 00:05:36,375
All: Stan! Stan! Stan! Stan!
141
00:05:36,422 --> 00:05:37,721
- [Crunch]
- [Cheering]
142
00:05:37,764 --> 00:05:39,330
Yeah! You did it!
143
00:05:41,049 --> 00:05:44,717
That chemistry lab was tight, huh?
144
00:05:44,770 --> 00:05:47,171
So much innovating going on there.
145
00:05:47,217 --> 00:05:49,084
Yeah, maybe. It was just kinda weird
146
00:05:49,128 --> 00:05:50,961
that no one knew how to
work any of the stuff.
147
00:05:51,006 --> 00:05:53,106
That's 'cause it's the latest stuff!
148
00:05:53,151 --> 00:05:55,084
I don't know about this place, Klaus.
149
00:05:55,130 --> 00:05:58,031
It says the library opens
"when Todd wakes up."
150
00:05:58,079 --> 00:06:02,281
[Heavy metal music playing]
151
00:06:02,336 --> 00:06:05,504
Hey, I think that's, like,
a frat or something.
152
00:06:05,555 --> 00:06:08,923
Should we go...
I don't know, check it out?
153
00:06:08,974 --> 00:06:10,373
Both: Klaus!
154
00:06:10,415 --> 00:06:13,182
- You know these guys?
- Everyone knows Klaus!
155
00:06:13,232 --> 00:06:15,966
One time, we didn't have
a band for Spring Fling,
156
00:06:16,014 --> 00:06:17,514
and at the total last second,
157
00:06:17,556 --> 00:06:19,756
Klaus got the Foo Fighters to play!
158
00:06:19,802 --> 00:06:22,302
And one time,
we were stuck in a Mexican prison,
159
00:06:22,349 --> 00:06:24,683
and Klaus got the Foo
Fighters to break us out!
160
00:06:24,730 --> 00:06:28,265
And one time, my parents
died in a tragic car accident,
161
00:06:28,318 --> 00:06:29,584
and Klaus missed the funeral
162
00:06:29,624 --> 00:06:32,124
because he was at a
Foo Fighters concert!
163
00:06:32,172 --> 00:06:36,407
Ahh, I had some good times here at BGZ,
164
00:06:36,464 --> 00:06:38,697
or as we're known around campus,
165
00:06:38,743 --> 00:06:40,042
Beta Gizz!
166
00:06:40,084 --> 00:06:41,484
All: Beta Gizz!
167
00:06:41,526 --> 00:06:44,427
Steve, this is Nutbutter,
Nic, and Pube Face.
168
00:06:44,475 --> 00:06:46,742
All solid, solid bros.
169
00:06:46,789 --> 00:06:49,656
Hey, I'm gonna go show my buddy around.
170
00:06:49,705 --> 00:06:52,939
[Heavy metal music playing]
171
00:06:54,432 --> 00:06:55,898
Sit on the ground, Steve.
172
00:06:55,941 --> 00:06:57,173
W-what?
173
00:06:57,215 --> 00:07:00,049
Sit your ass on the ground!
174
00:07:00,097 --> 00:07:04,500
This little bitch doesn't think
ASU's good enough for him.
175
00:07:04,556 --> 00:07:06,990
I-I'm sorry.
I don't even go to school here...
176
00:07:07,037 --> 00:07:08,437
Shut up, pledge!
177
00:07:08,479 --> 00:07:12,548
Now what game do you
turds want to play first?
178
00:07:12,602 --> 00:07:15,336
Milk Gallon Chug...
179
00:07:15,384 --> 00:07:17,718
or Hot Sauce Pee-Hole?
180
00:07:17,764 --> 00:07:20,665
- Milk Gal...
- Hot Sauce Pee-Hole it is!
181
00:07:23,900 --> 00:07:26,600
Wow, look at you, ready for a run.
182
00:07:26,649 --> 00:07:30,417
A regular, um, black guy from Kenya.
183
00:07:30,469 --> 00:07:32,770
Yep, and I can't wait
to write all about it
184
00:07:32,817 --> 00:07:35,051
- in my health journal.
- Hey, I could join you.
185
00:07:35,096 --> 00:07:37,496
There's actually nothing in this bowl.
186
00:07:37,544 --> 00:07:39,177
You know what? That...
187
00:07:39,219 --> 00:07:40,418
That looks important.
188
00:07:40,461 --> 00:07:42,527
Okay. Can you hit the lights?
189
00:07:42,573 --> 00:07:43,905
[Switch clicks]
190
00:07:43,946 --> 00:07:49,016
[Eerie voice] ? La-la, la-la, la, la ?
191
00:07:54,909 --> 00:07:57,209
Roger, I know
you gave me that heart attack.
192
00:07:57,255 --> 00:07:59,989
[Gasps] It wasn't my fault!
Francine made me...
193
00:08:00,039 --> 00:08:02,206
Roger, you almost killed me...
194
00:08:02,251 --> 00:08:03,283
I know, but...
195
00:08:03,324 --> 00:08:05,157
And I loved it! I wanna do it again!
196
00:08:05,201 --> 00:08:07,268
Gotta say, Stan, this is why I love you.
197
00:08:07,313 --> 00:08:08,913
You always surprise me.
198
00:08:08,955 --> 00:08:11,775
Whenever I think you're gonna zig,
you do a reverse zig.
199
00:08:11,872 --> 00:08:14,373
Now let's get you dead, baby!
200
00:08:16,798 --> 00:08:19,065
...and that's the
reason why I want you...
201
00:08:19,111 --> 00:08:22,079
no, need you... to kill me again.
202
00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:24,027
What? Sorry, I was just thinking about
203
00:08:24,072 --> 00:08:26,506
what my top 20
"Mr. Belvedere" episodes are.
204
00:08:26,553 --> 00:08:29,220
But then I realized I've never seen
"Mr. Belvedere."
205
00:08:29,268 --> 00:08:31,268
Was there an episode
where he gets snowed in?
206
00:08:31,313 --> 00:08:33,146
'Cause I would put that right up there.
207
00:08:33,191 --> 00:08:35,558
And if there was a serious one
where he had a drug problem,
208
00:08:35,605 --> 00:08:38,105
I would consider that
episode very powerful,
209
00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:40,819
- but not top 20.
- Roger!
210
00:08:40,868 --> 00:08:44,536
When you stopped my heart,
everything went white.
211
00:08:44,589 --> 00:08:47,623
I woke up in what looked
like a Blockbuster Video.
212
00:08:47,673 --> 00:08:49,572
My first reaction was to kill myself
213
00:08:49,618 --> 00:08:51,418
because it wasn't a Hollywood Video.
214
00:08:51,461 --> 00:08:54,662
But then I realized I was already dead.
215
00:08:54,714 --> 00:08:57,414
It turns out this video store
216
00:08:57,462 --> 00:09:00,162
was my life flashing before my eyes.
217
00:09:00,211 --> 00:09:02,244
- It was stocked with all my memories.
- _
218
00:09:02,288 --> 00:09:03,777
They had everything,
219
00:09:03,786 --> 00:09:05,850
- from my first memory of my parents
- _
220
00:09:06,043 --> 00:09:08,544
to hot new releases like you killing me.
221
00:09:08,591 --> 00:09:11,292
?
222
00:09:11,340 --> 00:09:14,475
Suddenly,
I wasn't just watching the memory...
223
00:09:14,525 --> 00:09:16,192
- [Whoosh]
- ...I was reliving it,
224
00:09:16,235 --> 00:09:18,302
feeling what it was
like to be young again.
225
00:09:18,347 --> 00:09:19,847
My bad knee didn't hurt.
226
00:09:19,889 --> 00:09:21,789
Aah!
227
00:09:21,833 --> 00:09:23,733
- The extra weight I gained was gone.
- [Cheering]
228
00:09:23,777 --> 00:09:25,544
And though it wasn't
relevant to the memory,
229
00:09:25,587 --> 00:09:28,088
I had that extra confidence
that comes from knowing
230
00:09:28,135 --> 00:09:30,002
you can get hard all the way to the tip.
231
00:09:30,047 --> 00:09:31,780
[Whoosh]
232
00:09:33,064 --> 00:09:33,930
I could go back
233
00:09:33,935 --> 00:09:35,511
- to any of my favorite memories...
- _
234
00:09:35,813 --> 00:09:37,112
[Crying]
235
00:09:37,154 --> 00:09:38,720
...and eat all my favorite meals
236
00:09:38,763 --> 00:09:41,331
without worrying about
any of the consequences.
237
00:09:41,378 --> 00:09:43,745
I got to feel like the guy I used to be.
238
00:09:43,791 --> 00:09:46,892
All the reminders that I'm
getting old just disappeared,
239
00:09:46,943 --> 00:09:48,342
right up until you revived me.
240
00:09:48,385 --> 00:09:49,550
I have to do it again.
241
00:09:49,591 --> 00:09:51,357
Well, the first taste was free.
242
00:09:51,401 --> 00:09:52,967
Next one's gonna cost you.
243
00:09:53,010 --> 00:09:54,543
I'll give you anything. Money...
244
00:09:54,586 --> 00:09:57,254
- [Electricity zaps]
- I just want a laugh.
245
00:10:00,519 --> 00:10:02,953
[Pinchers clicking]
246
00:10:05,916 --> 00:10:08,550
[Laughs] Good start.
247
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:10,166
[Pinchers clicking]
248
00:10:10,208 --> 00:10:11,674
[Laughs]
249
00:10:11,717 --> 00:10:14,151
- Aah! Stan, help me!
- [Glass shatters]
250
00:10:14,198 --> 00:10:16,398
?
251
00:10:16,409 --> 00:10:17,409
_
252
00:10:20,690 --> 00:10:21,914
_
253
00:10:22,343 --> 00:10:23,943
[Whoosh]
254
00:10:24,579 --> 00:10:26,489
Order of chili fries, horsey-style.
255
00:10:26,534 --> 00:10:30,803
Uh, I believe I ordered all the fixings.
256
00:10:30,859 --> 00:10:32,826
[Whistles]
257
00:10:32,870 --> 00:10:35,638
- Come on, boy! Eat faster! Eat faster!
- [Moans]
258
00:10:38,100 --> 00:10:39,967
Someone order a pizza?
259
00:10:40,011 --> 00:10:43,146
I got an extra large sausage.
260
00:10:43,196 --> 00:10:44,629
Mmm. Mmm.
261
00:10:44,671 --> 00:10:47,472
Is anyone cool with that
girl Megan from Kappa?
262
00:10:47,519 --> 00:10:50,987
- I know her.
- Hook it up, bro. [Spits]
263
00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:54,508
Pledges completed their
butt chug challenge.
264
00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:56,293
Gonna recycle the keg.
265
00:10:56,337 --> 00:10:59,238
[Thudding]
266
00:11:00,259 --> 00:11:01,725
[Panting]
267
00:11:01,768 --> 00:11:04,269
Klaus: Hey, has anyone noticed
we're watching gay porn?
268
00:11:04,316 --> 00:11:06,316
Nutbutter: Maybe
it's only gay at the beginning!
269
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,294
I say we keep watching!
270
00:11:10,953 --> 00:11:12,853
This is a place of learning.
271
00:11:12,897 --> 00:11:15,833
How could every building close at
"Beer thirty"?!
272
00:11:15,848 --> 00:11:17,047
_
273
00:11:18,194 --> 00:11:20,861
[Panting] Oh, thank God!
You gotta help me!
274
00:11:20,910 --> 00:11:23,076
I was kidnapped and
held against my will!
275
00:11:23,122 --> 00:11:24,888
Well, you're lucky you ran into me.
276
00:11:24,933 --> 00:11:26,666
I'm not just a security guard.
277
00:11:26,709 --> 00:11:28,542
I'm also the dean of the university.
278
00:11:28,587 --> 00:11:31,120
Plus, I sell loose cigarettes
for a dollar a pop.
279
00:11:31,168 --> 00:11:32,901
I've got an emergency down here.
280
00:11:32,944 --> 00:11:35,878
And tell them it was
those monsters at BGZ!
281
00:11:35,928 --> 00:11:38,128
False alarm.
282
00:11:38,174 --> 00:11:39,540
?
283
00:11:39,582 --> 00:11:41,949
- Beta Gizz!
- Aah!
284
00:11:41,996 --> 00:11:44,363
?
285
00:11:44,410 --> 00:11:47,577
I'm so proud of your progress, honey.
286
00:11:47,629 --> 00:11:48,995
Thought I'd treat you
287
00:11:49,035 --> 00:11:51,669
to the healthiest restaurant in town.
288
00:11:51,718 --> 00:11:53,551
Yay.
289
00:11:53,595 --> 00:11:55,729
[Wheels squeak]
290
00:11:55,774 --> 00:11:58,575
You keep taking care of yourself,
and we'll be able
291
00:11:58,624 --> 00:12:01,859
to have dinners like
these for years to come.
292
00:12:01,909 --> 00:12:05,043
I, uh... gotta... go check on the car.
293
00:12:05,094 --> 00:12:07,194
Got Bazooka Sharks stickers
all over that thing,
294
00:12:07,239 --> 00:12:09,339
and we're clearly in Cyber Mole country.
295
00:12:09,385 --> 00:12:11,118
Cyber Moles!
296
00:12:11,161 --> 00:12:12,928
Come on, Roger. Pick up.
297
00:12:12,972 --> 00:12:14,705
[Line rings]
298
00:12:14,748 --> 00:12:16,048
- Roger?
- Stan!
299
00:12:16,090 --> 00:12:18,123
- What are you doing here?
- Uh, working. You?
300
00:12:18,168 --> 00:12:19,634
I'm freaking out.
301
00:12:19,677 --> 00:12:22,111
This cannot be what the
rest of my life is like.
302
00:12:22,156 --> 00:12:23,923
I just need a quick little
trip to the afterlife,
303
00:12:23,967 --> 00:12:26,468
maybe visit a memory with
a stuffed-crust pizza.
304
00:12:26,515 --> 00:12:29,917
- What do you say?
- Fine, I guess I can squeeze you in.
305
00:12:29,969 --> 00:12:31,835
That's some glory hole humor for ya.
306
00:12:31,879 --> 00:12:35,180
My jokes are what people show up for.
The BJs are shit.
307
00:12:35,231 --> 00:12:36,531
[Electricity zaps]
308
00:12:36,572 --> 00:12:39,873
Oh, I went ahead
and ordered some appetizers.
309
00:12:39,925 --> 00:12:41,524
- [Branch snaps]
- Enjoy.
310
00:12:41,568 --> 00:12:44,435
I, uh... I am just now realizing
311
00:12:44,485 --> 00:12:47,052
I saw Mark McGwire
flossing in the restroom.
312
00:12:47,099 --> 00:12:48,999
I-I gotta thank him for all the homers.
313
00:12:49,043 --> 00:12:50,308
Just one more time!
314
00:12:50,351 --> 00:12:51,617
And leave me under a little longer.
315
00:12:51,658 --> 00:12:53,258
Let me really stretch my legs in there.
316
00:12:53,301 --> 00:12:54,867
I can't do that.
317
00:12:54,910 --> 00:12:57,143
After five or six minutes,
you'll really die. Forever.
318
00:12:57,190 --> 00:12:59,123
Fine! Whatever! Just give Daddy a taste!
319
00:12:59,167 --> 00:13:00,633
[Sighs] Okay, but this is it.
320
00:13:00,676 --> 00:13:02,576
You're so addicted to the afterlife
321
00:13:02,620 --> 00:13:04,854
that you're missing out on real life.
322
00:13:04,900 --> 00:13:06,266
I-I'm not some battery.
323
00:13:06,308 --> 00:13:07,808
I'm made of flesh and blood...
324
00:13:07,850 --> 00:13:09,850
and alkaline and manganese oxide.
325
00:13:09,895 --> 00:13:10,994
But I have feelings!
326
00:13:11,035 --> 00:13:12,768
I'm just a normal guy with feelings,
327
00:13:12,811 --> 00:13:16,013
who can power most
non-Samsung mobile devices.
328
00:13:16,063 --> 00:13:17,229
[Electricity zaps, thud]
329
00:13:17,270 --> 00:13:18,670
[Cellphone vibrates]
330
00:13:18,712 --> 00:13:21,880
Holy crap,
I just got a retweet from Toshi.
331
00:13:24,142 --> 00:13:27,410
Roger was right. It was crazy
to keep asking him to kill me...
332
00:13:27,462 --> 00:13:30,596
when I can just do it myself.
333
00:13:30,646 --> 00:13:32,946
[Egg timer ticking]
334
00:13:34,535 --> 00:13:37,269
Hmm, a good scientist
would test this first.
335
00:13:37,318 --> 00:13:40,585
But if I was a good scientist,
then I'd also be a nerd.
336
00:13:40,636 --> 00:13:44,237
And I've made my stance
on nerds very clear.
337
00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:45,590
[Click, electricity zaps]
338
00:13:45,631 --> 00:13:47,431
- [Groans]
- [Hissing]
339
00:13:47,476 --> 00:13:48,708
[Continues ticking]
340
00:13:48,749 --> 00:13:50,115
[Whoosh]
341
00:13:50,157 --> 00:13:52,124
?
342
00:13:53,911 --> 00:13:57,813
I'm sure Stan wouldn't mind if
I took a peek at his progress.
343
00:14:01,756 --> 00:14:04,657
[Pages flipping]
344
00:14:07,321 --> 00:14:09,955
[Gasps] Stan hasn't changed at all!
345
00:14:10,003 --> 00:14:12,737
But he did nail my mannerisms.
346
00:14:14,059 --> 00:14:16,093
Stan! Oh, no!
347
00:14:16,137 --> 00:14:17,670
Stan, please!
348
00:14:17,713 --> 00:14:19,880
- [Click, electricity zaps]
- [Groans]
349
00:14:21,602 --> 00:14:24,303
Whoa! Oh, my god! Guys!
350
00:14:24,351 --> 00:14:27,719
Stan and Francine worked out so hard,
they fell asleep!
351
00:14:27,770 --> 00:14:29,103
Roger: Shut up and get those Fantas!
352
00:14:29,144 --> 00:14:30,310
I don't want a history lesson!
353
00:14:30,586 --> 00:14:35,289
Okay, but I'm telling you,
it's super adorable.
354
00:14:36,086 --> 00:14:38,086
[Laughing]
355
00:14:38,131 --> 00:14:39,764
Man: Ugh, that was terrible.
356
00:14:39,806 --> 00:14:41,573
[Laughs]
357
00:14:42,824 --> 00:14:45,358
If I could play multiple
characters like Eddie Murphy,
358
00:14:45,406 --> 00:14:47,639
they'd all be watching
"Norbit" together.
359
00:14:47,684 --> 00:14:50,619
[Rumbling]
360
00:14:50,668 --> 00:14:53,169
[Whoosh]
361
00:14:53,216 --> 00:14:55,483
Where am I? Is that a Shamrock Shake?
362
00:14:55,530 --> 00:14:56,696
Why, yes, it is.
363
00:14:56,736 --> 00:14:58,870
But it's not even close
to St. Paddy's Day.
364
00:14:58,915 --> 00:15:01,015
Oh, my God. I know where I am.
365
00:15:01,061 --> 00:15:02,260
I'm in Ireland!
366
00:15:02,301 --> 00:15:04,101
Um... you're in heaven.
367
00:15:04,144 --> 00:15:05,034
Yeah, right, buddy.
368
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:07,451
If this were really heaven,
I'd have a Shamrock...
369
00:15:07,497 --> 00:15:09,297
- [Bell dings]
- ...shake! [Slurps]
370
00:15:09,340 --> 00:15:11,307
But that means I actually died.
371
00:15:11,352 --> 00:15:14,086
[Slurps] Why didn't the
revival paddles fall on me?
372
00:15:14,136 --> 00:15:15,635
- [Slurps]
- Because they fell on me!
373
00:15:15,678 --> 00:15:17,644
I can't believe you killed us both!
374
00:15:17,688 --> 00:15:19,254
Well, technically, you killed us
375
00:15:19,298 --> 00:15:20,965
- when you got in the way of my...
- Stan.
376
00:15:21,008 --> 00:15:21,897
Okay, all right.
377
00:15:21,902 --> 00:15:23,713
We could sit here all day, arguing about
378
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:26,023
whose homemade death machine killed who.
379
00:15:26,069 --> 00:15:27,602
Or we could look at the bright side.
380
00:15:27,646 --> 00:15:29,312
- We can do anything we want here!
- [Pop]
381
00:15:29,354 --> 00:15:30,954
- Bam! My bum knee is fixed.
- [Pop]
382
00:15:30,997 --> 00:15:32,430
- Bam! Ten-pack!
- [Pop]
383
00:15:32,472 --> 00:15:35,040
Bam! I have a tail. Hell, yeah!
384
00:15:35,087 --> 00:15:37,788
[Cries] Don't you get it?
385
00:15:37,836 --> 00:15:40,570
We're never gonna see our kids grow up!
386
00:15:40,618 --> 00:15:42,885
We can make our own versions
of Hayley and Steve.
387
00:15:42,932 --> 00:15:45,632
But that Hayley doesn't
even have a mouth.
388
00:15:45,681 --> 00:15:49,716
And that's not even Steve.
It's Turtle from "Entourage."
389
00:15:49,772 --> 00:15:52,405
- Yeah! Heaven!
- I just don't get it.
390
00:15:52,453 --> 00:15:54,887
What was so horrible about your life
391
00:15:54,934 --> 00:15:57,001
that you wanted to kill yourself?
392
00:15:57,045 --> 00:16:00,647
I wasn't trying to kill myself.
I was escaping into my memories.
393
00:16:00,700 --> 00:16:02,700
When I heard about my poor health,
394
00:16:02,744 --> 00:16:04,444
I-I know I played it cool,
395
00:16:04,487 --> 00:16:06,621
but I wasn't as cool
as I was playing it,
396
00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:08,166
which was super cool.
397
00:16:08,208 --> 00:16:10,141
But beneath that Joe Camel cool
398
00:16:10,187 --> 00:16:11,987
was a Marlboro coward,
399
00:16:12,031 --> 00:16:15,332
terrified of the long,
slow decline of my body.
400
00:16:15,383 --> 00:16:17,616
Oh, Stan, I hear you.
401
00:16:17,663 --> 00:16:20,597
And I thank you for
sharing that with me.
402
00:16:20,645 --> 00:16:24,480
But the thing is...
you killed us, you idiot!
403
00:16:24,535 --> 00:16:28,403
We still had a lifetime of
memories to make on Earth,
404
00:16:28,458 --> 00:16:30,391
and you stole those from me!
405
00:16:30,434 --> 00:16:32,101
So as far as I'm concerned,
406
00:16:32,145 --> 00:16:35,313
you can spend the rest
of eternity by yourself!
407
00:16:35,363 --> 00:16:37,864
Francine, wait!
Give Turtle-Steve a chance.
408
00:16:37,911 --> 00:16:39,544
He's just like Steve,
409
00:16:39,586 --> 00:16:43,055
except he'll drive us anywhere
and he's always on ass patrol.
410
00:16:45,721 --> 00:16:47,321
[Slurping]
411
00:16:47,364 --> 00:16:49,164
[Voice breaks] Just
doesn't taste the same
412
00:16:49,209 --> 00:16:52,677
without Francine begging
me to stop for my own good.
413
00:16:52,728 --> 00:16:54,094
Excuse me, do you know
414
00:16:54,136 --> 00:16:56,336
if there's any way to get back to Earth?
415
00:16:56,382 --> 00:16:59,517
Um, if you're looking to escape
the afterlife, I'd ask in hell.
416
00:16:59,567 --> 00:17:02,101
People are always trying to
get out of that craphole.
417
00:17:02,148 --> 00:17:04,482
Great. Thank you!
Sorry, one last question.
418
00:17:04,528 --> 00:17:07,229
If you're in heaven,
why do you have to work as a waitress?
419
00:17:07,277 --> 00:17:10,111
[Chuckles] Oh, no. I'm a slave.
420
00:17:11,468 --> 00:17:14,102
[Loud cheers and applause]
421
00:17:14,149 --> 00:17:17,417
[Cheering continues]
422
00:17:17,469 --> 00:17:20,570
Hey, demon, is this obstacle
course the way back to Earth?
423
00:17:20,620 --> 00:17:22,887
Nah, that's the way
out of hell into heaven.
424
00:17:22,932 --> 00:17:25,099
Announcer:
Stepping to the starting line,
425
00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:27,578
- Adolf Hitler!
- [Cheers and applause]
426
00:17:27,626 --> 00:17:31,194
Adolf is best remembered for
his work in World War II,
427
00:17:31,246 --> 00:17:34,414
and his legacy lives on
in Macklemore's haircut.
428
00:17:34,465 --> 00:17:38,100
He'll be making his 453rd attempt
429
00:17:38,153 --> 00:17:40,487
at getting through the course tonight.
430
00:17:40,533 --> 00:17:42,099
And he's off!
431
00:17:42,142 --> 00:17:44,976
Powering through the
quintuple steps with ease!
432
00:17:45,025 --> 00:17:47,959
No trouble with the rolling log!
433
00:17:49,148 --> 00:17:52,049
Ooh! He tried to rush the salmon ladder,
434
00:17:52,098 --> 00:17:53,932
and it looks like...
435
00:17:53,976 --> 00:17:55,709
- [Screaming]
- [Roars, crunch]
436
00:17:55,752 --> 00:17:57,452
No one ever makes it.
437
00:17:57,496 --> 00:17:59,996
But it's nice just to...
get out of the house!
438
00:18:00,043 --> 00:18:03,144
There's gotta be a way to get
me and Francine back to Earth.
439
00:18:03,195 --> 00:18:06,630
Yo, wings!
Back to heaven with you, you tourist.
440
00:18:06,681 --> 00:18:08,981
Think, Stan!
What do I know about the devil?
441
00:18:09,028 --> 00:18:12,095
? Devil with a moo mess,
moo mess, moo mess ?
442
00:18:12,145 --> 00:18:14,045
? Devil-mmm-mmm, moo mess-ma ?
443
00:18:14,090 --> 00:18:17,325
That's it! He's always makin' deals.
444
00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:20,281
Hey, you're a bettin' man, right?
445
00:18:20,325 --> 00:18:21,691
How 'bout this for a deal?
446
00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:23,400
You send my wife and me back to Earth
447
00:18:23,443 --> 00:18:25,110
to live out the rest of our lives.
448
00:18:25,153 --> 00:18:28,154
And... yawn. What's in it for me?
449
00:18:28,204 --> 00:18:30,805
Next time I die, I won't go to heaven.
450
00:18:30,852 --> 00:18:32,285
You get my soul.
451
00:18:32,327 --> 00:18:34,628
So you're willing to give up heaven
452
00:18:34,673 --> 00:18:38,308
for a few more miserable years on Earth?
453
00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:40,594
Yes, because
all the heaven I've ever needed
454
00:18:40,641 --> 00:18:43,142
was being with Francine and my kids.
455
00:18:43,189 --> 00:18:46,190
Oh, wow, Stan. I had no idea...
456
00:18:46,239 --> 00:18:48,539
that you were such a bitch!
457
00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:50,753
Fine, you got a deal.
458
00:18:51,770 --> 00:18:53,703
Oh, and when you get back to Earth,
459
00:18:53,749 --> 00:18:55,949
tell Rachael Ray to [bleep] off.
460
00:18:55,994 --> 00:18:57,460
She'll know what she did.
461
00:18:57,503 --> 00:18:59,837
That is not how you
treat another person!
462
00:18:59,884 --> 00:19:02,418
- [Smacks]
- [Flames whoosh]
463
00:19:03,470 --> 00:19:06,771
I can't believe they're dead! [Gasping]
464
00:19:06,823 --> 00:19:09,323
Now I'm just as broken
up about this as you are,
465
00:19:09,371 --> 00:19:12,005
but we can't ignore the facts...
It's pretty chilly out,
466
00:19:12,052 --> 00:19:14,085
and neither of us knows
how to work the thermostat.
467
00:19:14,132 --> 00:19:16,532
Our only option is to
slice open the bodies
468
00:19:16,577 --> 00:19:18,444
so we can huddle inside them for warmth.
469
00:19:18,489 --> 00:19:20,656
[Inhales deeply] Let's do it.
470
00:19:20,702 --> 00:19:23,202
I refuse to sleep in socks.
471
00:19:23,249 --> 00:19:25,116
[Both gasp loudly]
472
00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:26,994
Stan, we're alive!
473
00:19:27,038 --> 00:19:28,371
Oh, thank God!
474
00:19:28,412 --> 00:19:30,045
What... happened?
475
00:19:30,088 --> 00:19:33,356
I guess someone realized we
needed more time here together.
476
00:19:33,408 --> 00:19:34,774
And this time around,
477
00:19:34,816 --> 00:19:37,450
I'm gonna make it last
as long as possible.
478
00:19:37,497 --> 00:19:40,331
[Lowered voice]
'Cause then I'm going to hell.
479
00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:41,813
What's with the knife?
480
00:19:41,855 --> 00:19:44,155
You shouldn't have to
be a goddamn electrician
481
00:19:44,202 --> 00:19:45,534
to live in this house!
482
00:19:45,576 --> 00:19:47,876
[Door creaks open]
483
00:19:47,923 --> 00:19:50,657
Oh, is it cookie time already?
484
00:19:50,705 --> 00:19:53,405
Circle up, boys. We have a game to play.
485
00:19:53,455 --> 00:19:55,755
No, Steve, you're late for graduation!
486
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:57,500
From pledging?
487
00:19:57,545 --> 00:19:59,178
No, from ASU!
488
00:19:59,221 --> 00:20:01,588
Come on, it's about to start!
489
00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:03,668
How?! I was only here for a week.
490
00:20:03,713 --> 00:20:06,414
Remember when you asked a
question in the science lab?
491
00:20:06,461 --> 00:20:09,495
That was the minimum
requirement to graduate!
492
00:20:09,546 --> 00:20:11,112
Now hurry up!
493
00:20:11,154 --> 00:20:14,589
Oh, and get a speech ready.
You're also valedictorian!
494
00:20:14,642 --> 00:20:16,008
[Applause]
495
00:20:16,049 --> 00:20:18,182
[Feedback whines]
496
00:20:18,229 --> 00:20:22,015
- [Heavy metal music playing]
- _
497
00:20:22,067 --> 00:20:25,140
_
498
00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:29,354
_
499
00:20:29,473 --> 00:20:31,368
_
500
00:20:32,170 --> 00:20:33,991
_
501
00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:36,311
_
502
00:20:36,323 --> 00:20:38,523
_
503
00:20:38,644 --> 00:20:40,511
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
504
00:20:40,555 --> 00:20:41,921
[Water bubbles]
505
00:20:41,963 --> 00:20:44,664
[Birds chirping]
506
00:20:44,711 --> 00:20:46,878
Stan, ready for a jog?
507
00:20:46,925 --> 00:20:48,090
Yep! Just one minute.
508
00:20:48,132 --> 00:20:49,398
Stan, I love that
509
00:20:49,438 --> 00:20:51,438
you're beasting it on the salmon ladder,
510
00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:53,851
but there's no shame in starting basic.
511
00:20:53,898 --> 00:20:56,966
I know. I just think this will
be very beneficial long-term.
512
00:20:57,015 --> 00:20:58,181
[Groans]
513
00:20:58,222 --> 00:21:00,155
I need to live forever.
514
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,100
- That's the spirit!
- [Flames whoosh]
515
00:21:02,150 --> 00:21:06,700
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