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1
00:00:16,537 --> 00:00:19,404
We found the first stone.
2
00:00:19,406 --> 00:00:22,507
Bring it to me.
3
00:00:25,612 --> 00:00:28,480
I'm so close.
4
00:00:29,950 --> 00:00:33,618
Ho ho ho ho! [Laughs evilly]
5
00:00:33,620 --> 00:00:35,220
Oh! Oh, no, I can't look!
6
00:00:35,222 --> 00:00:38,256
Did I break it? I feel like I broke it!
7
00:00:38,258 --> 00:00:39,558
Seems fine.
8
00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:41,760
Whew! That was a close one!
9
00:00:41,762 --> 00:00:44,296
Now where was I?
10
00:00:44,298 --> 00:00:46,298
Oh, yes.
11
00:00:46,300 --> 00:00:48,166
[Cackles] Oops!
12
00:00:48,168 --> 00:00:53,471
Silent Night
13
00:00:53,473 --> 00:00:58,743
Holy Night
14
00:00:58,745 --> 00:01:03,515
All is calm
15
00:01:03,517 --> 00:01:09,187
All is bright
16
00:01:09,189 --> 00:01:14,125
Round young virgin
17
00:01:14,127 --> 00:01:17,195
Mother and child
18
00:01:17,197 --> 00:01:18,897
[Record needle scratches]
19
00:01:18,899 --> 00:01:21,233
Impeccable work on
the dummies, Francine.
20
00:01:21,235 --> 00:01:22,801
I never realized how my hair is exactly
21
00:01:22,803 --> 00:01:24,603
like the bristles of a push broom.
22
00:01:24,605 --> 00:01:26,304
Yeah, I just see these things.
23
00:01:26,306 --> 00:01:28,707
I don't know. I make connections.
24
00:01:28,709 --> 00:01:30,909
Everyone into your cryo-sleep pods.
25
00:01:30,911 --> 00:01:33,144
Are we really gonna skip Christmas?
26
00:01:33,146 --> 00:01:36,047
Well, it is the time of year
that Santa tries to kill us.
27
00:01:36,049 --> 00:01:38,817
Yeah, remember when he came
at us with that elf army?
28
00:01:38,819 --> 00:01:40,518
Don't forget, he also murdered Grandpa,
29
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:42,087
and now Grandpa is Krampus.
30
00:01:42,089 --> 00:01:43,588
And if it's not Santa,
it's something else.
31
00:01:43,590 --> 00:01:46,024
No one even's mentioning the
time I wished you all away
32
00:01:46,026 --> 00:01:47,492
- and got a better family
- What?
33
00:01:47,494 --> 00:01:48,994
- Huh?
- Sorry, what?
34
00:01:48,996 --> 00:01:50,962
But there's been good times, too.
35
00:01:50,964 --> 00:01:53,431
We all love the Christmas
Village in Chimdale.
36
00:01:53,433 --> 00:01:56,768
- We get the tree, ride the little train.
- I hate that place.
37
00:01:56,770 --> 00:02:00,672
All those creeps on Grindr
just prowling the tree farm.
38
00:02:00,674 --> 00:02:02,440
Sickening. And they always do you
39
00:02:02,442 --> 00:02:05,010
up against some shabby Douglas Fir.
40
00:02:05,012 --> 00:02:07,512
Finding pine needles
for weeks, good Lord.
41
00:02:07,514 --> 00:02:10,815
So we're just giving up on Christmas?
42
00:02:10,817 --> 00:02:12,484
Christmas sucks, Steve. Let it go.
43
00:02:12,486 --> 00:02:14,853
All right, if everything
goes according to plan,
44
00:02:14,855 --> 00:02:16,288
we'll wake up on the 26th,
45
00:02:16,290 --> 00:02:17,989
but if that awful Santa shows up,
46
00:02:17,991 --> 00:02:20,325
as soon as he lays a hand
on those decoy dummies,
47
00:02:20,327 --> 00:02:23,662
our pods will shoot safely
into the sewer system.
48
00:02:23,664 --> 00:02:25,497
From there, Roger?
49
00:02:25,499 --> 00:02:28,033
Sewers to Potomac to
ocean, and then the currents
50
00:02:28,035 --> 00:02:30,869
will take us straight
to Jimmy Buffett's yacht.
51
00:02:30,871 --> 00:02:33,605
From there, it's nothing but margaritas
52
00:02:33,607 --> 00:02:35,307
and old tan-lined tits.
53
00:02:37,010 --> 00:02:39,177
[Beep, whir]
54
00:02:44,017 --> 00:02:46,117
Gotta put your arms down, son.
55
00:02:46,119 --> 00:02:48,553
God! He's overpowering me!
56
00:02:48,555 --> 00:02:49,921
Stan, it's the dummy.
57
00:02:49,923 --> 00:02:52,891
Wow! You even nailed
the texture of his skin.
58
00:02:52,893 --> 00:02:54,526
Is this pizza?
59
00:02:54,528 --> 00:02:57,963
No. No, it's not.
60
00:02:57,965 --> 00:02:59,731
He's not here, either.
61
00:02:59,733 --> 00:03:01,933
That means he's outside!
62
00:03:01,935 --> 00:03:04,035
On Christmas Eve!
63
00:03:04,037 --> 00:03:05,570
We have to find him.
64
00:03:05,572 --> 00:03:07,472
Ooh, his browser history
shows he bought at ticket
65
00:03:07,474 --> 00:03:10,976
to the Chimdale Polar Traintown
Christmas Village off Route 2.
66
00:03:10,978 --> 00:03:13,011
He's at the Christmas
Village. Of course.
67
00:03:13,013 --> 00:03:15,580
He also searched for "Muscle lady sexy,"
68
00:03:15,582 --> 00:03:18,283
"Strong female looks
at camera bench press,"
69
00:03:18,285 --> 00:03:20,685
"Naked woman kettle bell rain."
70
00:03:20,687 --> 00:03:23,555
Wow, what a pervert, right?
71
00:03:23,557 --> 00:03:27,792
Klaus, we know you use Steve's computer.
72
00:03:28,423 --> 00:03:30,095
Let's leave Jeff in the pod.
73
00:03:30,097 --> 00:03:31,629
We'll be right back,
and he'll be safer there.
74
00:03:31,631 --> 00:03:35,967
Good thinking, Haley!
Surf's up, Jeff-er-ee! Hi-ya!
75
00:03:35,969 --> 00:03:36,801
[Whoosh]
76
00:03:43,063 --> 00:03:44,362
[Brakes squeal]
77
00:03:44,364 --> 00:03:45,731
There he is!
78
00:03:45,733 --> 00:03:48,600
Now I don't like to say "Xmas"...
79
00:03:48,602 --> 00:03:51,002
but I love to write it.
80
00:03:51,004 --> 00:03:52,270
[Train whistle blows]
81
00:03:52,272 --> 00:03:54,439
We gotta get back to the pods!
82
00:03:54,441 --> 00:03:56,007
Where's that train going?!
83
00:03:56,009 --> 00:03:58,155
It just goes around the farm
in a little loop. [Chuckles]
84
00:03:58,155 --> 00:04:01,046
All our kids are on it.
Ooh, bad news, though.
85
00:04:01,048 --> 00:04:03,915
You missed the conductor
handing out free candy canes.
86
00:04:03,917 --> 00:04:06,251
You ever have one of these babies?
87
00:04:06,253 --> 00:04:08,286
The flavor, it's...
88
00:04:08,288 --> 00:04:10,055
how do I put it into words?
89
00:04:10,057 --> 00:04:12,724
Oh! You know those starlight
mints you get at restaurants?
90
00:04:12,726 --> 00:04:17,763
It's like of those really
got a chance to stretch its legs.
91
00:04:17,765 --> 00:04:19,831
Are you explaining a candy cane to me?
92
00:04:19,833 --> 00:04:21,299
Let him speak.
93
00:04:21,301 --> 00:04:24,436
[Train whistle blows]
94
00:04:24,438 --> 00:04:26,538
Excuse me. When does
the other train get back?
95
00:04:26,540 --> 00:04:28,006
This is the only train.
96
00:04:28,008 --> 00:04:30,075
But I just saw a train
pull out full of kids!
97
00:04:30,077 --> 00:04:32,310
Sir, are you proposing
there's another train?
98
00:04:32,312 --> 00:04:35,881
A "magic train" that... that
comes around when I'm not here?
99
00:04:35,883 --> 00:04:37,382
I know you're being sarcastic,
100
00:04:37,384 --> 00:04:38,850
but maybe that iswhat's happening here.
101
00:04:38,852 --> 00:04:41,052
It has to be. Ask one
of these other parents.
102
00:04:41,054 --> 00:04:43,488
Their kids were on the train, too.
103
00:04:43,490 --> 00:04:45,223
What? I don't have kids.
104
00:04:45,225 --> 00:04:46,958
I've never had a child.
105
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,794
All:
No
106
00:04:48,796 --> 00:04:51,263
-
Kids
-
No kids
107
00:04:51,265 --> 00:04:53,198
[Tune of "No Scrubs"]
No, I don't want no kids
108
00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:56,501
A kid is a thing I don't have
or want to have
109
00:04:56,503 --> 00:04:57,869
This is so strange.
110
00:04:57,871 --> 00:05:00,872
How can they have forgotten
their own children?
111
00:05:00,874 --> 00:05:04,342
Do you think there might be
something in the candy canes?
112
00:05:04,344 --> 00:05:06,044
[Gasps] Oh, my God! That's it!
113
00:05:06,046 --> 00:05:07,979
Who licked my candy cane?
114
00:05:07,981 --> 00:05:09,614
Why am I fish?
115
00:05:09,616 --> 00:05:11,817
I'm back from whatever I
was doing. What'd I miss?
116
00:05:11,819 --> 00:05:14,119
- Where the hell is Steve?!
- [Rustling]
117
00:05:14,121 --> 00:05:17,689
I know what's happened to your son.
118
00:05:17,691 --> 00:05:19,591
He's in danger.
119
00:05:19,593 --> 00:05:21,760
Are you seriously trying
to talk to me right now?
120
00:05:21,762 --> 00:05:23,795
Do you not understand how Grindr works?
121
00:05:23,797 --> 00:05:26,665
We did what we came to do,
but now I'm with my family.
122
00:05:26,667 --> 00:05:29,000
This is my real life.
You're way out of bounds.
123
00:05:29,002 --> 00:05:32,537
Um, I think... I think you're
confusing me with someone else.
124
00:05:32,539 --> 00:05:35,740
I was just saying that
your boy is in danger.
125
00:05:35,742 --> 00:05:38,577
He's been taken to the North Pole.
126
00:05:38,579 --> 00:05:41,146
127
00:05:41,148 --> 00:05:43,215
[Whistle blows]
128
00:05:43,217 --> 00:05:45,884
Damn, Route 2 Traintown,
129
00:05:45,886 --> 00:05:49,754
this is Rainforest
Cafe-caliber enchantment.
130
00:05:52,668 --> 00:05:54,134
So you're telling me
131
00:05:54,136 --> 00:05:56,036
that Steve has been abducted
and taken to the North Pole?
132
00:05:56,038 --> 00:05:58,405
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, who did this?
133
00:05:58,407 --> 00:06:00,740
The North Pole... That's a clue.
134
00:06:00,742 --> 00:06:04,578
Maybe those white bears
or those tuxedo birds.
135
00:06:04,580 --> 00:06:05,979
The ones like...
136
00:06:05,981 --> 00:06:08,281
- It was Santa Claus.
- I knew it!
137
00:06:08,283 --> 00:06:10,417
For years, Santa has
been stealing children
138
00:06:10,419 --> 00:06:12,486
from around the world,
using them to work
139
00:06:12,488 --> 00:06:15,655
on some mysterious
project on the North Pole.
140
00:06:15,657 --> 00:06:17,123
How do you know all this?
141
00:06:17,125 --> 00:06:19,192
Because I was one of his elves
142
00:06:19,194 --> 00:06:20,961
until he banished me.
143
00:06:20,963 --> 00:06:22,963
He clipped my ears
144
00:06:22,965 --> 00:06:25,031
and stretched my body.
145
00:06:25,033 --> 00:06:27,133
- [Gags]
- My name's Puddin'!
146
00:06:27,135 --> 00:06:29,002
Why were you banished?
147
00:06:29,004 --> 00:06:30,704
Well, I didn't do anything wrong.
148
00:06:30,706 --> 00:06:33,740
It's just like the culture
up there was really diseased,
149
00:06:33,742 --> 00:06:36,443
and it was all just,
like, clique-y politics
150
00:06:36,445 --> 00:06:39,042
and people were really
threatened by clear communication.
151
00:06:39,077 --> 00:06:40,780
You were the problem.
He was the problem.
152
00:06:40,782 --> 00:06:43,416
Let's not sit around and
listen to some fired elf.
153
00:06:43,418 --> 00:06:46,186
We have to get to the
North Pole and rescue Steve!
154
00:06:46,188 --> 00:06:48,221
You can't just getto the North Pole,
155
00:06:48,223 --> 00:06:50,257
not without Christmas magic.
156
00:06:50,259 --> 00:06:53,727
But you're in luck, because I've got it.
157
00:06:53,729 --> 00:06:54,995
Does anyone else have it,
158
00:06:54,997 --> 00:06:56,563
or can you transfer it to us somehow
159
00:06:56,565 --> 00:06:58,431
without... touching us?
160
00:07:00,302 --> 00:07:03,503
So... we're pretending this
is where Santa mines his coal
161
00:07:03,505 --> 00:07:04,671
for the bad kids?
162
00:07:04,673 --> 00:07:09,743
Oh, I like it. Light
cardio followed by cocoa?
163
00:07:09,745 --> 00:07:12,479
Oh, no! This boy fainted!
164
00:07:12,481 --> 00:07:15,015
He needs juice and maybe a sugar cookie.
165
00:07:15,017 --> 00:07:16,716
And what the hell? I'll take one, too.
166
00:07:16,718 --> 00:07:18,151
Oh, my God!
167
00:07:18,153 --> 00:07:23,023
Steve Smith, what the
hell are you doing here?
168
00:07:23,025 --> 00:07:26,159
Aah! Santa! W-why are you Chimdale?
169
00:07:26,161 --> 00:07:28,595
This is the North Pole, ya stupid!
170
00:07:28,597 --> 00:07:30,931
Ha! It'll take more than two elves to...
171
00:07:30,933 --> 00:07:34,200
[Groaning]
172
00:07:34,202 --> 00:07:36,703
[Sighs] Actually, two
seems like overkill.
173
00:07:36,705 --> 00:07:38,071
[Chugging]
174
00:07:38,073 --> 00:07:40,173
Getting this train to the North Pole's
175
00:07:40,175 --> 00:07:41,975
gonna take a little trick.
176
00:07:41,977 --> 00:07:44,711
Just do it, Puddin'.
177
00:07:44,713 --> 00:07:46,479
[Clank]
178
00:07:46,481 --> 00:07:49,616
[Chugging]
179
00:07:52,754 --> 00:07:54,120
We'll be dashed to pieces!
180
00:07:54,122 --> 00:07:56,640
Not with my Christmas magic, we won't!
181
00:07:56,675 --> 00:08:00,527
The rocks are gonna open!
The season's rising up in me!
182
00:08:00,529 --> 00:08:04,064
I believe! I believe in
the magic of Christmas.
183
00:08:04,066 --> 00:08:05,765
Fa-la-la!
184
00:08:05,767 --> 00:08:10,070
[Crash, debris falls]
185
00:08:10,072 --> 00:08:12,806
Yeah, he didn't have
the Christmas magic.
186
00:08:12,808 --> 00:08:14,908
For elves, it's in the
pointy part of the ears.
187
00:08:14,910 --> 00:08:16,409
Read your bible, people.
188
00:08:16,411 --> 00:08:18,578
We still need Christmas magic.
189
00:08:18,580 --> 00:08:21,681
I think we all know where we have to go.
190
00:08:21,683 --> 00:08:23,750
[Gunshots, woman screams]
191
00:08:23,752 --> 00:08:27,320
How much longer do we have
to wait? It's scary here.
192
00:08:27,322 --> 00:08:29,990
Bus 435. It'll be here any second.
193
00:08:29,992 --> 00:08:32,425
[Imitates brakes squeal and hiss]
194
00:08:32,427 --> 00:08:34,094
[Singsongy] Bus is here.
195
00:08:34,096 --> 00:08:36,229
Any of you guys looking to smash?
196
00:08:36,231 --> 00:08:37,464
I call shotgun.
197
00:08:37,466 --> 00:08:39,699
[Creepy voice] The girl.
198
00:08:39,701 --> 00:08:41,034
[Crash, door hisses]
199
00:08:41,036 --> 00:08:45,105
Well, if it isn't my no-good
son and his deadbeat friends.
200
00:08:45,107 --> 00:08:47,307
Hey, Dad.
201
00:08:47,309 --> 00:08:49,943
When I told you I was
driving a bus in Baltimore,
202
00:08:49,945 --> 00:08:51,311
it was so you'd be impressed,
203
00:08:51,313 --> 00:08:53,213
not so you'd visit me unannounced.
204
00:08:53,215 --> 00:08:55,181
We need to get to the
North Pole right away,
205
00:08:55,183 --> 00:08:57,317
and we need your Christmas
magic to get there.
206
00:08:57,319 --> 00:08:59,352
I'm done with that Krampus stuff.
207
00:08:59,354 --> 00:09:02,422
Punishing kids at
Christmas? Too much stress.
208
00:09:02,424 --> 00:09:06,793
I had to get away, grab
myself a slice of paradise.
209
00:09:06,795 --> 00:09:08,395
In Baltimore?
210
00:09:08,397 --> 00:09:10,597
Well, technically,
I'm living in Woodlawn,
211
00:09:10,599 --> 00:09:14,100
but, yes, for an
out-of-towner, "Baltimore."
212
00:09:14,102 --> 00:09:15,835
But you don't understand, Krampus.
213
00:09:15,837 --> 00:09:17,871
Santa has kidnapped Steve!
214
00:09:17,873 --> 00:09:21,474
Steve Harvey?! Santa's
gone too far this time!
215
00:09:21,476 --> 00:09:25,478
No! Steve Smith, your grandson!
216
00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:26,813
Fine.
217
00:09:26,815 --> 00:09:28,515
[Click]
218
00:09:28,517 --> 00:09:31,351
Hey! I was going to the wharf
to yell at the bucket drummers!
219
00:09:31,353 --> 00:09:34,187
Tough! We're going to the North Pole.
220
00:09:34,189 --> 00:09:36,856
Then I get to sleep on the bus!
221
00:09:36,858 --> 00:09:38,792
This is not a hotel!
222
00:09:47,602 --> 00:09:50,503
- [All scream]
- Oh, shut up.
223
00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:55,908
Yay!
224
00:09:59,014 --> 00:10:00,780
- [Eerie warping sound]
- Stan: Where are we?
225
00:10:00,782 --> 00:10:01,948
We're nowhere.
226
00:10:01,950 --> 00:10:04,451
We're on a channel
between time and space,
227
00:10:04,453 --> 00:10:06,553
before and after all things.
228
00:10:06,555 --> 00:10:10,390
Hey, you know, I was thinking,
we could call you "Grampus."
229
00:10:10,392 --> 00:10:13,259
- That is my name.
- No, like with a "G," like...
230
00:10:13,261 --> 00:10:15,028
Like Grandpa and Krampus...
231
00:10:15,030 --> 00:10:16,329
Behind the line!
232
00:10:16,331 --> 00:10:18,665
Everyone needs to stay behind the line!
233
00:10:23,638 --> 00:10:25,505
[Wind howling]
234
00:10:25,507 --> 00:10:28,842
[Speaking native language]
235
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:32,679
[Horn honks]
236
00:10:35,751 --> 00:10:40,954
Now to get into Santa's
village, we'll need disguises.
237
00:10:40,956 --> 00:10:45,258
Well, well, well, I think
I see the perfect cover
238
00:10:45,260 --> 00:10:47,794
right before my eyes.
239
00:10:47,796 --> 00:10:50,663
Fish for sale! Got a fish for sale!
240
00:10:50,665 --> 00:10:53,299
Mmm, fish! Finally! Head on in!
241
00:10:53,301 --> 00:10:56,236
[Doors creak]
242
00:10:56,238 --> 00:10:59,572
["Carol of the Bells" playing]
243
00:11:03,912 --> 00:11:07,647
So you're really not
here to foil my plans?
244
00:11:07,649 --> 00:11:11,284
No, I swear! I was just trying
to have a nice Christmas.
245
00:11:11,286 --> 00:11:14,387
Then what am I hassling you for?
246
00:11:14,389 --> 00:11:17,223
Cut his throat, but make it Christmassy.
247
00:11:17,225 --> 00:11:20,059
He wants a nice Christmas.
248
00:11:20,061 --> 00:11:21,861
Ahh! Ahh!
249
00:11:21,863 --> 00:11:23,229
- Roger: Fish!
- [Smack]
250
00:11:23,231 --> 00:11:26,699
Give us our son, you
jelly-bellied bastard!
251
00:11:26,701 --> 00:11:28,034
I'm saved!
252
00:11:28,036 --> 00:11:30,804
Ho ho ho! Smiths!
253
00:11:30,806 --> 00:11:34,374
You're never gonna make it
out of the North Pole alive.
254
00:11:34,376 --> 00:11:37,777
Oh, sir, we found the other stone.
255
00:11:37,779 --> 00:11:40,580
Ooh! Let me see it!
256
00:11:40,582 --> 00:11:44,317
Beautiful. They're both mine.
257
00:11:44,319 --> 00:11:46,319
- Smiths, you're free to go.
- Stan: Really?
258
00:11:46,321 --> 00:11:49,455
At last, I'm ready to
enter the final stage
259
00:11:49,457 --> 00:11:52,192
of my grand design.
260
00:11:52,194 --> 00:11:55,128
- Okay, then.
- My grand design,
261
00:11:55,130 --> 00:11:57,297
it will change everything.
262
00:11:57,299 --> 00:11:59,365
Uh-huh. We go out the way we came?
263
00:11:59,367 --> 00:12:01,034
Yeah, it's two rights and then a left.
264
00:12:01,036 --> 00:12:03,336
But you're really not
in the least bit curious
265
00:12:03,338 --> 00:12:04,804
about what I'm doing?
266
00:12:04,806 --> 00:12:07,574
- My grand design?
- Not... not particularly.
267
00:12:07,576 --> 00:12:11,344
Okay. But I have to say, if
you guys had a grand design,
268
00:12:11,346 --> 00:12:12,912
I'd at least listen to it.
269
00:12:12,914 --> 00:12:14,848
Of course, I've always been curious.
270
00:12:14,850 --> 00:12:17,283
Even as a child, I took
apart my alarm clock
271
00:12:17,285 --> 00:12:20,053
to see how it worked, but that's me,
272
00:12:20,055 --> 00:12:21,421
and you guys are you.
273
00:12:21,423 --> 00:12:24,591
And, uh, I guess I gotta respect that.
274
00:12:24,593 --> 00:12:26,893
- Well, then it's settled...
- Seize them!
275
00:12:26,895 --> 00:12:27,827
[Clanks]
276
00:12:30,202 --> 00:12:32,035
277
00:12:32,037 --> 00:12:34,805
Now in order to answer
all of your questions
278
00:12:34,807 --> 00:12:36,206
about my grand design,
279
00:12:36,208 --> 00:12:39,076
we're going to take a
journey back in time.
280
00:12:39,078 --> 00:12:42,012
They'll be a little
movie, a brief Q&A session,
281
00:12:42,014 --> 00:12:44,648
and then I'm going to kill you.
282
00:12:44,650 --> 00:12:47,151
Good luck! I can only
be stopped with a...
283
00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:51,221
Copper pot! What are
you, cooking for cowboys?
284
00:12:51,223 --> 00:12:53,357
Why the hell do you have this?!
285
00:12:53,359 --> 00:12:54,825
[Under breath] Cue lights.
286
00:12:54,827 --> 00:12:56,760
[Normal voice] A long time ago
287
00:12:56,762 --> 00:12:59,196
in the fertile
riverlands of Mesopotamia,
288
00:12:59,198 --> 00:13:02,132
there were an ancient
people called the Sumerians,
289
00:13:02,134 --> 00:13:04,034
and it is from them that we inherit
290
00:13:04,036 --> 00:13:07,704
the world's oldest and
most well-known story.
291
00:13:07,706 --> 00:13:12,176
Do I even need to say it?
The "Epic of Gilgamesh."
292
00:13:12,178 --> 00:13:15,012
Ah! [Under breath] Of course, of course.
293
00:13:15,014 --> 00:13:17,781
As the legend goes, the hero Gilgamesh,
294
00:13:17,783 --> 00:13:20,918
accompanied by his
trusted friend Enkidu,
295
00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:22,819
traveled to the distant cedar forest...
296
00:13:22,821 --> 00:13:24,888
[Thumping] ... and there confronted
297
00:13:24,890 --> 00:13:29,026
the ageless, terrifying giant Humbaba.
298
00:13:29,028 --> 00:13:30,160
[Roars]
299
00:13:30,162 --> 00:13:32,796
And when Gilgamesh defeated Humbaba,
300
00:13:32,798 --> 00:13:34,731
cutting off his enormous head,
301
00:13:34,733 --> 00:13:38,735
he was gifted with
the Seven Radiances...
302
00:13:40,439 --> 00:13:45,342
... granting Gilgamesh
immeasurable power.
303
00:13:45,344 --> 00:13:47,978
In some translations, the "Radiances"
304
00:13:47,980 --> 00:13:50,747
are referred to as the seven "Auras."
305
00:13:50,749 --> 00:13:52,216
That's the Binderman translation!
306
00:13:52,218 --> 00:13:55,752
He's a hack! What
scholars have gotten wrong,
307
00:13:55,754 --> 00:13:59,089
including Binderman...
Especially Binderman...
308
00:13:59,091 --> 00:14:04,027
Is they believe Humbaba to be
a metaphorical giant, a myth.
309
00:14:04,029 --> 00:14:05,629
But the myth is real!
310
00:14:05,631 --> 00:14:08,999
[Fanfare plays]
311
00:14:09,001 --> 00:14:12,736
Of course, I'm not the first
to seek the power of Humbaba.
312
00:14:12,738 --> 00:14:14,972
There have been others...
313
00:14:14,974 --> 00:14:16,540
Caesar, Bonaparte,
314
00:14:16,542 --> 00:14:18,709
Goebbels, Temple Grandin.
315
00:14:18,711 --> 00:14:23,547
But they all dug in the
wrong place, and why?
316
00:14:23,549 --> 00:14:27,017
Because they got Pangaea wrong!
317
00:14:27,019 --> 00:14:30,020
My calculations put the cedar forest
318
00:14:30,022 --> 00:14:32,489
right under the North Pole!
319
00:14:32,491 --> 00:14:35,826
Why else would I base
my operations here?
320
00:14:35,828 --> 00:14:37,361
The weather?!
321
00:14:37,363 --> 00:14:39,029
[Chuckles] The weather.
322
00:14:39,031 --> 00:14:42,899
And now with nothing left to stop me,
323
00:14:42,901 --> 00:14:49,406
I will use Humbaba's eyes
to end Christmas forever!
324
00:14:49,408 --> 00:14:52,276
- Steve: No!
- Yes!
325
00:14:52,278 --> 00:14:57,748
And usher in a new age
of unimaginable terrors
326
00:14:57,750 --> 00:15:02,019
that must be seen to believed!
327
00:15:03,188 --> 00:15:05,455
There are supposed to be visuals here...
328
00:15:05,457 --> 00:15:08,325
A bunch of CGI footage
of me flying around
329
00:15:08,327 --> 00:15:11,128
and zapping buildings with my fingers.
330
00:15:11,130 --> 00:15:14,364
It worked in rehearsals!
Tony, why didn't...
331
00:15:14,366 --> 00:15:16,833
Tony, could we kill the music?!
332
00:15:16,835 --> 00:15:19,069
[Dramatic music swells, cuts out]
333
00:15:19,071 --> 00:15:21,638
Tony, why did the other
stuff work and this didn't?
334
00:15:21,640 --> 00:15:23,940
Tony: They were on
different hard drives.
335
00:15:23,942 --> 00:15:27,210
I wanna know why we did
that, but I also feel like
336
00:15:27,212 --> 00:15:30,480
I'm gonna be really
frustrated by the answer.
337
00:15:30,482 --> 00:15:33,917
338
00:15:37,056 --> 00:15:39,790
Oh, my God, you found him.
339
00:15:39,792 --> 00:15:42,292
[Axes tapping]
340
00:15:45,297 --> 00:15:49,066
When I place the eyes
in Humbaba's stone face,
341
00:15:49,068 --> 00:15:53,970
I'll receive the full power
of his Seven Radiances.
342
00:15:53,972 --> 00:15:56,039
- Or auras.
- Silence!
343
00:15:56,041 --> 00:16:00,210
They're heavier than they
look. I dropped one earlier.
344
00:16:01,947 --> 00:16:05,048
Now to become... a god!
345
00:16:05,050 --> 00:16:09,086
Ah, ah, ah
346
00:16:09,088 --> 00:16:11,555
Ah, oh, oh
347
00:16:11,557 --> 00:16:14,658
Santa, no! You can't take
Christmas away forever.
348
00:16:14,660 --> 00:16:18,962
What about peace on Earth
and goodwill towards men?
349
00:16:18,964 --> 00:16:21,465
That's kids stuff.
350
00:16:25,204 --> 00:16:27,871
[Whoosh]
351
00:16:27,873 --> 00:16:29,606
352
00:16:29,608 --> 00:16:32,743
One radiance, two radiances,
353
00:16:32,745 --> 00:16:35,979
three, four, five, six, seven!
354
00:16:35,981 --> 00:16:38,782
They're all here!
355
00:16:38,784 --> 00:16:42,074
Now fly into my body, please!
356
00:16:45,524 --> 00:16:48,792
It's a very subtle feeling.
357
00:16:48,794 --> 00:16:50,660
They flew past you.
358
00:16:50,662 --> 00:16:54,664
[Voices chanting ominously]
359
00:16:54,666 --> 00:16:58,001
[Cracking]
360
00:17:05,878 --> 00:17:07,744
[Clank] Aah!
361
00:17:07,746 --> 00:17:11,214
Whoa, things are going down.
362
00:17:11,216 --> 00:17:13,350
[Clank]
363
00:17:13,352 --> 00:17:14,584
[Loud crash]
364
00:17:14,586 --> 00:17:16,520
We have to climb the side!
365
00:17:18,323 --> 00:17:21,358
I'm supposed to be all-powerful!
366
00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:24,961
Why is all my stuff going in the mouth?!
367
00:17:24,963 --> 00:17:27,664
What's happening in there anyways?!
368
00:17:27,666 --> 00:17:29,933
Go look.
369
00:17:29,935 --> 00:17:33,570
Uh, all I see is fire.
370
00:17:40,379 --> 00:17:44,548
Goat legs ain't so great for
climbin', are they, dingus?
371
00:17:44,550 --> 00:17:45,782
[Clank]
372
00:17:45,784 --> 00:17:47,984
Whoa!
373
00:17:47,986 --> 00:17:50,954
[Laughs] I knew you'd save me!
374
00:17:50,956 --> 00:17:53,857
We're the two halves of Christmas,
375
00:17:53,859 --> 00:17:57,227
locked in this dance forever!
376
00:17:57,229 --> 00:18:00,130
Aah!
377
00:18:00,132 --> 00:18:03,099
I don't dance with men.
378
00:18:03,101 --> 00:18:05,502
[Cracking]
379
00:18:05,504 --> 00:18:09,306
[Roaring]
380
00:18:09,308 --> 00:18:11,174
I thought it was just the head!
381
00:18:11,176 --> 00:18:13,210
Not in Binderman's translation!
382
00:18:13,212 --> 00:18:15,712
He theorized that the throat was cut
383
00:18:15,714 --> 00:18:17,647
but the body was intact!
384
00:18:17,649 --> 00:18:19,816
I've never even seen
you read a magazine.
385
00:18:19,818 --> 00:18:22,786
[Roaring]
386
00:18:22,788 --> 00:18:24,454
To the train, everybody!
387
00:18:24,456 --> 00:18:28,091
It's the only way out of the North Pole!
388
00:18:31,997 --> 00:18:33,230
It won't start!
389
00:18:33,232 --> 00:18:35,232
It's powered by the love of Christmas.
390
00:18:35,234 --> 00:18:36,967
Won't move an inch without it.
391
00:18:36,969 --> 00:18:39,069
First, the train needs Christmas magic,
392
00:18:39,071 --> 00:18:40,470
then it needs Christmas love.
393
00:18:40,472 --> 00:18:42,639
This is some Christmas
bullshit right here.
394
00:18:42,641 --> 00:18:44,207
[Engine hisses]
395
00:18:44,209 --> 00:18:47,844
Christmas Hate powers it in reverse.
396
00:18:47,846 --> 00:18:51,314
[Scoffs] Christmas. So stupid.
397
00:18:53,852 --> 00:18:55,285
We have to go the other way!
398
00:18:55,287 --> 00:18:57,821
Yeah, Steve. Think about
your Christmas love!
399
00:18:57,823 --> 00:18:59,356
What's to love?
400
00:18:59,358 --> 00:19:01,258
The whole holiday was just a front
401
00:19:01,260 --> 00:19:03,860
for a slave mining operation
because some lunatic
402
00:19:03,862 --> 00:19:05,862
wanted to take over the world.
403
00:19:05,864 --> 00:19:07,697
[Roaring]
404
00:19:07,699 --> 00:19:11,434
Steve, stop! We're heading
right for Humbaba-ba-ba-ba!
405
00:19:11,436 --> 00:19:14,804
Santa was right.
Christmas is kids stuff,
406
00:19:14,806 --> 00:19:17,841
'cause they're the only ones
dumb enough to believe in it.
407
00:19:17,843 --> 00:19:20,644
Francine: We're gonna die!
408
00:19:20,646 --> 00:19:23,914
I... hate... Christmas! [Growls]
409
00:19:23,916 --> 00:19:25,382
[Crash]
410
00:19:25,384 --> 00:19:26,182
[Roars]
411
00:19:28,420 --> 00:19:31,721
Turn to stone much, ya giant scrote?
412
00:19:31,723 --> 00:19:35,325
Steve, it's over. You can have
a boner for Christmas again.
413
00:19:35,327 --> 00:19:38,028
No more boners. I'm a man now.
414
00:19:38,030 --> 00:19:40,330
It's time to let Christmas go.
415
00:19:41,563 --> 00:19:44,768
Honey, I know you want
a normal Christmas, but...
416
00:19:44,770 --> 00:19:46,136
But we can't have that.
417
00:19:46,138 --> 00:19:48,738
We'll never have a
traditional Christmas.
418
00:19:48,740 --> 00:19:50,507
Of course we can, son.
419
00:19:50,509 --> 00:19:52,943
But it'll just have to be our tradition
420
00:19:52,945 --> 00:19:55,011
of having a terrible Christmas.
421
00:19:55,013 --> 00:19:57,614
And we were wrong to try to skip it,
422
00:19:57,616 --> 00:20:00,784
because Christmas isn't
something we to skip.
423
00:20:00,786 --> 00:20:04,020
It's something we... endure.
424
00:20:04,022 --> 00:20:05,755
As a family.
425
00:20:09,828 --> 00:20:11,661
[Hiss]
426
00:20:11,663 --> 00:20:14,497
We're moving! Steve, does this mean...
427
00:20:14,499 --> 00:20:19,102
Yep! [Singsongy] My boner
for Christmas is back!
428
00:20:19,104 --> 00:20:22,172
Well, I'm gonna stick around,
move into Santa's castle.
429
00:20:22,174 --> 00:20:23,840
You may never be able
to understand this,
430
00:20:23,842 --> 00:20:29,245
but I've grown a little tired
of driving a bus in Baltimore.
431
00:20:31,550 --> 00:20:33,149
Wait, you can fly?
432
00:20:33,151 --> 00:20:35,652
Like a [bleep] angel!
433
00:20:35,654 --> 00:20:36,620
[Yells indistinctly]
434
00:20:37,990 --> 00:20:42,959
Silent Night
435
00:20:42,961 --> 00:20:47,998
Holy Night
436
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,433
All is calm
437
00:20:55,690 --> 00:20:58,467
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www.addic7ed.com
438
00:20:58,517 --> 00:21:03,067
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