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1
00:00:06,746 --> 00:00:10,418
(jazz music plays)
2
00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:17,438
When I joined the C.I.A.,
I knew the deal.
3
00:00:17,470 --> 00:00:19,806
If we make a mistake, we cover it up,
4
00:00:19,839 --> 00:00:22,642
like the time Dick accidentally
created feline AIDS,
5
00:00:22,676 --> 00:00:25,779
and we covered it up by
blaming it on gay cats.
6
00:00:25,813 --> 00:00:27,481
But this was different.
7
00:00:27,514 --> 00:00:30,018
This was too big to cover.
8
00:00:31,217 --> 00:00:33,486
And Bullock wanted blood.
9
00:00:33,519 --> 00:00:36,623
Now, I'm only going to say this once.
10
00:00:36,656 --> 00:00:39,193
I love Christmas!
11
00:00:39,226 --> 00:00:42,530
Okay, two numbers left in
the Evil Santa gift swap.
12
00:00:42,562 --> 00:00:44,331
Number 13.
13
00:00:45,332 --> 00:00:47,435
Davenport, choose a gift from the table
14
00:00:47,467 --> 00:00:49,669
or take someone else's.
15
00:00:49,702 --> 00:00:52,772
The Nicolas Cage stickers and
tin of breadsticks thing is
16
00:00:52,805 --> 00:00:55,710
still extremely available for a steal.
17
00:00:57,010 --> 00:01:00,147
(laughter)
18
00:01:00,180 --> 00:01:01,848
(chuckles) Tough luck, Duper.
19
00:01:01,882 --> 00:01:03,317
Anyway, Davenport, you're up.
20
00:01:03,350 --> 00:01:05,219
Uh, I'll pick.
21
00:01:05,252 --> 00:01:07,255
We have a picker!
22
00:01:10,891 --> 00:01:13,493
It's a pizza-slice sleeping bag!
23
00:01:13,526 --> 00:01:15,562
And the crust is a sewn-in pillow.
24
00:01:15,595 --> 00:01:17,297
He'll be king of the sleepover!
25
00:01:17,330 --> 00:01:19,466
(all chant "Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!")
26
00:01:19,499 --> 00:01:20,800
A winning gift!
27
00:01:20,833 --> 00:01:22,702
Unlike the breadsticks,
28
00:01:22,735 --> 00:01:25,705
which have effectively taken
Duper out of the game.
29
00:01:25,738 --> 00:01:28,576
(laughter)
30
00:01:28,609 --> 00:01:31,746
Still, it gave everyone else
the gift of laughter...
31
00:01:31,779 --> 00:01:34,915
in a way, the only true gift.
32
00:01:34,948 --> 00:01:37,085
Okay, my turn.
33
00:01:38,184 --> 00:01:42,156
Hmm, The torture variety
pack is tempting...
34
00:01:42,189 --> 00:01:46,360
heretic's fork, metal
spanker, anal-tarring brush.
35
00:01:46,392 --> 00:01:47,561
It's a barbecue set.
36
00:01:47,594 --> 00:01:49,729
But who needs two of anything?
37
00:01:49,763 --> 00:01:50,931
I shall pick.
38
00:01:55,135 --> 00:01:58,071
Wait, t-there should be a gift here.
39
00:01:58,104 --> 00:01:59,839
There's no gift for me.
40
00:01:59,872 --> 00:02:02,342
But... but that means
41
00:02:02,375 --> 00:02:03,610
someone didn't bring one!
42
00:02:03,644 --> 00:02:05,446
- What?!
- Impossible!
43
00:02:05,478 --> 00:02:06,613
It can't be!
44
00:02:06,647 --> 00:02:08,082
It is be.
45
00:02:08,114 --> 00:02:09,516
Who didn't bring a gift?
46
00:02:09,549 --> 00:02:12,285
And don't try to sell me
on the gift of laughter,
47
00:02:12,318 --> 00:02:13,586
'cause that's horse shit!
48
00:02:13,620 --> 00:02:16,590
Who was it?! Who's ruined everything?!
49
00:02:16,622 --> 00:02:18,691
STAN: Everyone was a suspect.
50
00:02:18,725 --> 00:02:21,529
Only one person knew who did it.
51
00:02:21,561 --> 00:02:23,263
There was one thing we all knew.
52
00:02:23,297 --> 00:02:26,600
I'm going to (bleep) this
(bleep) in the tushy!
53
00:02:26,632 --> 00:02:29,936
Hand me the anal-tarring brush!
54
00:02:30,208 --> 00:02:32,766
Synced and corrected by MasterCookie
- www.addic7ed.com -
55
00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:35,609
Good morning, U.S.A.
56
00:02:35,642 --> 00:02:39,280
I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day
57
00:02:39,312 --> 00:02:42,149
The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face
58
00:02:42,181 --> 00:02:46,520
And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race
59
00:02:48,454 --> 00:02:51,591
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
60
00:02:51,625 --> 00:02:53,727
-
Good...
-
Good
morning, U.S.A.
61
00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:54,995
Aah!
62
00:02:56,864 --> 00:03:00,000
Good morning, U.S.A.
63
00:03:00,032 --> 00:03:02,636
- (jazz music plays)
- No one knew who didn't bring the gift,
64
00:03:02,668 --> 00:03:05,738
or worse... what Bullock
might do trying to find out.
65
00:03:05,772 --> 00:03:09,442
Now, I'm no chef, but
an unpredictable man
66
00:03:09,476 --> 00:03:14,014
in a position of power smelled
like a bad recipe to me.
67
00:03:14,047 --> 00:03:17,184
And I should know...
I'm an expert chef.
68
00:03:17,216 --> 00:03:19,720
Le Cordon Bleu class of '08.
69
00:03:21,687 --> 00:03:22,923
- (crashing, clattering)
- Sir?
70
00:03:22,955 --> 00:03:24,324
You seem a little upset.
71
00:03:24,358 --> 00:03:26,260
You can always read me, Smith!
72
00:03:26,292 --> 00:03:28,361
I'm bloody outraged!
73
00:03:28,394 --> 00:03:33,534
Sir, if I may, it's only Evil Santa.
74
00:03:33,566 --> 00:03:36,135
"Only Evil Santa?"
75
00:03:36,168 --> 00:03:38,672
"Only Evil Santa."
76
00:03:38,704 --> 00:03:40,940
And this is only a pin.
77
00:03:40,973 --> 00:03:42,609
Whoa-ho-ho!
78
00:03:42,643 --> 00:03:45,812
Every agent puts his life in the
hands of his fellow agents,
79
00:03:45,846 --> 00:03:48,649
and if we can't trust
our fellow agents,
80
00:03:48,681 --> 00:03:50,216
all our lives are at risk!
81
00:03:50,250 --> 00:03:52,520
I-I see how it's a big deal now, sir.
82
00:03:52,553 --> 00:03:53,954
I swear to you, Smith,
83
00:03:53,987 --> 00:03:56,690
I will find out who
didn't bring a present.
84
00:03:56,722 --> 00:03:59,092
I refuse to live like this!
85
00:04:00,227 --> 00:04:01,496
Office grenade!
86
00:04:02,895 --> 00:04:05,332
MAN: Oh, no! My whiskey stones!
87
00:04:05,364 --> 00:04:07,233
They weren't destroyed!
88
00:04:07,267 --> 00:04:09,637
Sir, I-I know you want to get this guy,
89
00:04:09,669 --> 00:04:11,804
but maybe you're too close to it,
90
00:04:11,838 --> 00:04:13,973
like a doctor operating
on their own child.
91
00:04:14,006 --> 00:04:16,643
Or a person standing right
behind another person.
92
00:04:16,677 --> 00:04:18,879
Sure. Listen, you're a busy man.
93
00:04:18,912 --> 00:04:20,548
You've got the C.I.A. to run
94
00:04:20,580 --> 00:04:22,482
and pins to keep in your grenades.
95
00:04:22,516 --> 00:04:24,251
Why don't you let me
lead the investigation?
96
00:04:24,283 --> 00:04:25,653
Well, that's not up to me.
97
00:04:25,686 --> 00:04:27,254
That's up to the hiring committee,
98
00:04:27,287 --> 00:04:30,257
of which I appoint you the sole member.
99
00:04:30,290 --> 00:04:32,492
Then, I'll... hire myself?
100
00:04:32,525 --> 00:04:36,297
Those pencil pushers finally
got something right.
101
00:04:38,980 --> 00:04:40,949
Thanks for taking me to
get a new suit, Klaus.
102
00:04:40,982 --> 00:04:42,285
I figure I should start planning
103
00:04:42,318 --> 00:04:44,153
for the Spring Harvest dance now.
104
00:04:44,186 --> 00:04:47,056
It's never too early to start
thinking about outfits.
105
00:04:47,088 --> 00:04:48,824
I mean, I already know
what I'm gonna wear
106
00:04:48,857 --> 00:04:50,059
to your funeral.
107
00:04:50,092 --> 00:04:52,128
My Insane Clown Posse t-shirt.
108
00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:53,295
That looks great on you.
109
00:04:53,328 --> 00:04:54,663
Yeah, no shit.
110
00:04:54,696 --> 00:04:56,499
Trying to impress a lady?
111
00:04:56,532 --> 00:04:58,301
Trying to impress all of them.
112
00:04:58,333 --> 00:05:00,936
You know who never
lacked for attention?
113
00:05:00,970 --> 00:05:03,439
Solomon Chantez Le Bas,
114
00:05:03,472 --> 00:05:07,343
the most storied lady
killer of the 1890s.
115
00:05:07,376 --> 00:05:12,081
His secret... an antique handkerchief.
116
00:05:12,114 --> 00:05:13,650
The gentleman angle.
117
00:05:14,449 --> 00:05:15,851
I'll take it!
118
00:05:15,884 --> 00:05:20,522
That's crazy, but it's
your funeral, bro.
119
00:05:20,556 --> 00:05:24,227
(all sobbing)
120
00:05:27,328 --> 00:05:29,030
(door slams open)
121
00:05:29,064 --> 00:05:31,367
Ticket please, thanks,
walk through the doors
122
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:34,102
Into the Halls Of
Illusions, visit yours
123
00:05:34,136 --> 00:05:35,605
And see what could've and should've
124
00:05:35,638 --> 00:05:37,507
And would've been real
125
00:05:37,540 --> 00:05:39,509
But you had to (record
scratches) up the whole deal
126
00:05:39,542 --> 00:05:42,044
Great Milenko, wave your wand
127
00:05:42,076 --> 00:05:44,980
Don't look now, your life is gone
128
00:05:45,013 --> 00:05:46,381
- (jazz music plays)
- Taking the case,
129
00:05:46,415 --> 00:05:48,718
I knew what might happen
to the guilty agent.
130
00:05:48,751 --> 00:05:52,322
But I never imagined what would
happen to the innocent ones.
131
00:05:55,223 --> 00:05:56,858
Look, Bullock wants me to crack heads,
132
00:05:56,891 --> 00:05:58,793
but we're friends, so
let's just sit in here
133
00:05:58,826 --> 00:06:00,463
for 10 minutes and shoot the breeze.
134
00:06:00,496 --> 00:06:01,998
Oh, great, I don't know why,
135
00:06:02,030 --> 00:06:03,999
but I was a little nervous about this.
136
00:06:04,033 --> 00:06:05,501
The only thing you should
be nervous about is
137
00:06:05,533 --> 00:06:06,668
your golf game.
138
00:06:06,701 --> 00:06:08,370
(both laugh)
139
00:06:09,371 --> 00:06:10,506
You can't clam up on me, punk!
140
00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:11,707
I know you're hiding something!
141
00:06:12,908 --> 00:06:14,210
Okay! Okay!
142
00:06:14,242 --> 00:06:16,379
I'm the one taking
dumps in the urinals!
143
00:06:16,412 --> 00:06:18,881
I call it an "inside
the park home run"!
144
00:06:18,913 --> 00:06:21,750
(sobbing)
145
00:06:21,783 --> 00:06:23,018
Smith, good work.
146
00:06:23,052 --> 00:06:25,054
Dick, that's a funny name for it.
147
00:06:26,521 --> 00:06:27,889
Congratulations, Dick.
148
00:06:27,922 --> 00:06:30,326
You are no longer my
number-one suspect.
149
00:06:30,359 --> 00:06:32,194
You're my number-two suspect.
150
00:06:32,227 --> 00:06:34,196
That's a shit joke, Dick. (laughs)
151
00:06:34,229 --> 00:06:36,032
Who says this can't be fun?
152
00:06:37,131 --> 00:06:40,869
Styles! Thanks for dropping by, bud.
153
00:06:40,903 --> 00:06:42,838
When are we gonna get back
on that squash court?
154
00:06:42,871 --> 00:06:44,840
I had a thought, Smith.
155
00:06:44,872 --> 00:06:46,041
Never mind.
156
00:06:46,074 --> 00:06:47,876
We can talk after your interviews.
157
00:06:47,910 --> 00:06:50,279
- (jazz music plays)
- I used to be a popular guy,
158
00:06:50,311 --> 00:06:52,614
but if you leave no stone unturned,
159
00:06:52,648 --> 00:06:56,653
eventually the stones turn on you.
160
00:06:58,287 --> 00:07:00,323
(school bell rings)
161
00:07:02,557 --> 00:07:03,692
(knuckles crack)
162
00:07:03,725 --> 00:07:05,860
(sneezes)
163
00:07:05,893 --> 00:07:07,429
Handkerchief, my lady?
164
00:07:07,463 --> 00:07:10,866
You're such a gentleman, Steve.
165
00:07:10,898 --> 00:07:12,535
We are a dying breed.
166
00:07:12,568 --> 00:07:14,804
My mother's always saying
I should be looking
167
00:07:14,836 --> 00:07:16,271
- for boys like you.
- (ding!)
168
00:07:16,304 --> 00:07:17,939
I super love my mom, too.
169
00:07:17,972 --> 00:07:19,208
(ding!)
170
00:07:19,241 --> 00:07:20,443
Aww!
171
00:07:20,475 --> 00:07:23,446
This may seem forward,
172
00:07:23,479 --> 00:07:26,248
but would you take me to the
Spring Harvest dance next weekend?
173
00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:29,953
(classical music plays)
174
00:07:52,807 --> 00:07:56,545
I would love to.
175
00:07:58,146 --> 00:08:00,016
Maybe it's time to put someone else
176
00:08:00,049 --> 00:08:01,650
on the Evil Santa case.
177
00:08:01,684 --> 00:08:04,320
It's been months, and you
have nothing to show for it.
178
00:08:04,352 --> 00:08:05,687
Not nothing, sir.
179
00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:07,155
I have this.
180
00:08:08,790 --> 00:08:10,593
I just need to turn one
of these question marks
181
00:08:10,626 --> 00:08:12,161
into something I know.
182
00:08:12,194 --> 00:08:14,929
(groans) Idiotic.
183
00:08:14,963 --> 00:08:17,499
I didn't know if I was
impressing him or not,
184
00:08:17,533 --> 00:08:19,100
but I did know one thing...
185
00:08:19,134 --> 00:08:21,703
I couldn't let him take me off the case
186
00:08:21,737 --> 00:08:24,439
because the man I was hunting...
187
00:08:24,472 --> 00:08:25,641
was me.
188
00:08:25,674 --> 00:08:27,510
Aw, damn!
189
00:08:27,542 --> 00:08:29,177
You nasty.
190
00:08:32,201 --> 00:08:33,536
I mean, I meant to bring a present,
191
00:08:33,570 --> 00:08:36,172
but I couldn't because
I forgot to buy one.
192
00:08:36,205 --> 00:08:37,507
Now I'm in too deep,
193
00:08:37,541 --> 00:08:39,576
caught in a web of lies,
and it's killing me.
194
00:08:39,609 --> 00:08:40,945
Killing you?
195
00:08:40,978 --> 00:08:43,546
A web of lies is only bad for the fly.
196
00:08:43,579 --> 00:08:45,016
You're the spider.
197
00:08:45,049 --> 00:08:47,351
For the spider, the web's a P.F.
Chang's.
198
00:08:47,383 --> 00:08:48,551
P.F. Chang's?
199
00:08:48,584 --> 00:08:50,086
That's a good thing?
200
00:08:50,119 --> 00:08:51,589
It's a great thing!
201
00:08:51,622 --> 00:08:53,291
I knew I should come to you with this.
202
00:08:53,324 --> 00:08:55,793
You're the best liar I know.
I need your help.
203
00:08:55,825 --> 00:08:56,960
All right, I'll get you out.
204
00:08:56,993 --> 00:08:58,396
But you have to listen carefully,
205
00:08:58,429 --> 00:09:00,430
and you're gonna have
to lie a bit more.
206
00:09:00,464 --> 00:09:01,766
If it ends this,
207
00:09:01,799 --> 00:09:04,135
- I'm in your hands.
- Perfect.
208
00:09:04,167 --> 00:09:05,769
These are the same hands
that choked Lisa Bonet
209
00:09:05,802 --> 00:09:07,604
when she beat me out for the
role of Denise Huxtable
210
00:09:07,637 --> 00:09:09,139
on "A Different World."
211
00:09:09,172 --> 00:09:11,207
That was a lie. The role
was created for her.
212
00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:12,375
But I did choke her.
213
00:09:12,408 --> 00:09:14,477
Now, here are a few crucial phases
214
00:09:14,511 --> 00:09:15,947
to controlling a lie.
215
00:09:15,979 --> 00:09:19,249
The first phase is believe the lie.
216
00:09:19,282 --> 00:09:21,418
You haven't believed, so
you've been stalling,
217
00:09:21,451 --> 00:09:23,153
spinning your wheels.
218
00:09:23,186 --> 00:09:25,488
- You would never do that on a real case.
- I know.
219
00:09:25,522 --> 00:09:27,458
Bullock wants to bring in someone else.
220
00:09:27,490 --> 00:09:30,260
And that's exactly what's gonna happen.
221
00:09:30,294 --> 00:09:33,130
Sir, I know how much
this case means to you,
222
00:09:33,162 --> 00:09:34,632
so I'm bringing on some help.
223
00:09:34,665 --> 00:09:37,134
Ace Crouton, consulting detective.
224
00:09:37,166 --> 00:09:38,569
Now, let's get one thing straight...
225
00:09:38,602 --> 00:09:40,471
I work for the case, not for the cops,
226
00:09:40,503 --> 00:09:42,473
not for him, and definitely not for...
227
00:09:42,506 --> 00:09:44,408
I'm talking to a chair. Why
am I talking to a chair?
228
00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:46,009
Sorry, I was fired up, so I came in
229
00:09:46,042 --> 00:09:47,811
and just kind of went into it.
230
00:09:47,844 --> 00:09:49,913
Don't worry, Smith. I heard everything.
Carry on.
231
00:09:49,946 --> 00:09:51,815
We need wire taps, surveillance vans,
232
00:09:51,849 --> 00:09:53,350
a satellite team in Bogot?.
233
00:09:53,383 --> 00:09:55,518
Yes! I love this new energy.
234
00:09:55,551 --> 00:09:58,154
The entire C.I.A. is at your disposal.
235
00:09:58,187 --> 00:10:00,256
Does that include the
Starbucks in the lobby...
236
00:10:00,290 --> 00:10:01,858
specifically the employees,
237
00:10:01,892 --> 00:10:03,326
specifically Greg?
238
00:10:03,359 --> 00:10:04,594
Uhh...
239
00:10:04,628 --> 00:10:06,863
you can have Kevin,
240
00:10:06,897 --> 00:10:08,666
but not Greg.
241
00:10:08,699 --> 00:10:11,602
(indistinct conversations)
242
00:10:11,634 --> 00:10:13,370
Bye, Jim. Bye, Liz.
243
00:10:13,403 --> 00:10:15,171
You better expect a call on Monday
244
00:10:15,204 --> 00:10:17,174
for that lemon-bar recipe.
245
00:10:17,206 --> 00:10:19,876
Boy, your parents are super rad.
246
00:10:19,910 --> 00:10:22,613
Steve, you were great.
My parents loved you.
247
00:10:22,646 --> 00:10:24,448
- Have fun at the dance.
- Huh?
248
00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:27,183
Wait, did I forget to
tell you the plan?
249
00:10:27,217 --> 00:10:30,021
My parents won't let me date
a sexy bad boy like Wyatt,
250
00:10:30,054 --> 00:10:32,123
so I used you, a sexless good boy,
251
00:10:32,156 --> 00:10:34,325
to get out of the house.
252
00:10:34,358 --> 00:10:37,962
She's 14 and you're, like, 25, buddy!
253
00:10:37,994 --> 00:10:41,798
Good luck picking a movie
that you both agree on!
254
00:10:41,831 --> 00:10:43,000
(grunts weakly)
255
00:10:44,535 --> 00:10:46,637
We just saw what she did.
256
00:10:46,670 --> 00:10:48,472
Yeah, go ahead. Laugh it up.
257
00:10:48,504 --> 00:10:49,906
No.
258
00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:52,676
We were wondering... Would
you do that for us?
259
00:10:52,709 --> 00:10:54,744
My parents hate my boyfriend, too.
260
00:10:54,777 --> 00:10:56,212
I'll even pay you.
261
00:10:56,246 --> 00:10:59,483
Will you be our "widdle"
good boy, Steve?
262
00:10:59,516 --> 00:11:01,886
(thinking) Hmm, a good boy front.
263
00:11:01,919 --> 00:11:04,989
So, first I get the money,
then I get the motorcycle...
264
00:11:05,022 --> 00:11:07,358
after I take the
responsible riders course.
265
00:11:07,391 --> 00:11:10,194
Then, I'll be the
responsible, sexy bad boy!
266
00:11:10,227 --> 00:11:12,130
Ladies, we're in business.
267
00:11:13,863 --> 00:11:15,065
So...
268
00:11:15,099 --> 00:11:16,934
- will you do it?
- Hm?
269
00:11:18,868 --> 00:11:20,537
I can't believe this worked!
270
00:11:20,570 --> 00:11:21,738
What a rush!
271
00:11:21,772 --> 00:11:23,873
The joy of getting away with a lie
272
00:11:23,906 --> 00:11:26,377
is better than a million
helping-peoples.
273
00:11:26,410 --> 00:11:30,148
Now it's on to phase two of lying...
benefits.
274
00:11:36,119 --> 00:11:37,720
I don't understand this phase.
275
00:11:37,753 --> 00:11:39,522
Should we be looking for something?
276
00:11:39,555 --> 00:11:40,925
The view, Stan.
277
00:11:40,958 --> 00:11:43,360
We use a helicopter for
the "investigation,"
278
00:11:43,392 --> 00:11:45,729
but we're really enjoying the views.
279
00:11:45,762 --> 00:11:46,763
The views?
280
00:11:46,796 --> 00:11:48,065
Now you're getting it!
281
00:11:48,098 --> 00:11:50,067
And this is just one of many benefits.
282
00:11:50,099 --> 00:11:51,301
The next is Eat Day.
283
00:11:51,334 --> 00:11:53,204
Eat Day is just what it sounds like.
284
00:11:53,237 --> 00:11:54,704
Then there's Bone Day.
285
00:11:54,738 --> 00:11:57,041
You just wake up and start
plowing babes all day.
286
00:11:57,074 --> 00:11:58,541
I'm not doing that.
287
00:11:58,575 --> 00:12:00,478
I just want everything
normal at work again.
288
00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:01,779
Ugh, fine.
289
00:12:01,811 --> 00:12:03,781
We'll go straight to the last phase...
290
00:12:03,814 --> 00:12:05,450
the blame phase.
291
00:12:06,916 --> 00:12:08,551
What... What are you doing, Stan?
292
00:12:08,584 --> 00:12:10,820
Looking for the words. The
words usually appear.
293
00:12:10,854 --> 00:12:12,589
Yeah... okay.
294
00:12:12,623 --> 00:12:14,592
Oh, my God, I think I'm losing it!
295
00:12:14,624 --> 00:12:16,893
Check your jacket pocket.
296
00:12:16,926 --> 00:12:18,262
No!
297
00:12:19,930 --> 00:12:22,233
(singsong voice) The blame phase!
298
00:12:22,266 --> 00:12:24,267
To accept blame. Of course.
299
00:12:24,301 --> 00:12:26,903
I knew eventually I'd have to fess up.
300
00:12:26,936 --> 00:12:28,171
Accept... Huh?
301
00:12:28,204 --> 00:12:29,739
No! You just blame it on someone else.
302
00:12:29,772 --> 00:12:31,407
I can't blame another agent.
303
00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:33,109
Okay, well, not a living agent.
304
00:12:33,142 --> 00:12:35,445
People in the C.I.A. die
all the time, right?
305
00:12:35,479 --> 00:12:37,748
So, wait for the next
one and pin it on them.
306
00:12:37,781 --> 00:12:39,650
That's... That's actually a good idea.
307
00:12:39,682 --> 00:12:41,584
What do you mean, actually a good idea?
308
00:12:41,618 --> 00:12:43,354
You say that like I
don't have good ideas.
309
00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:44,854
I always have good ideas.
310
00:12:44,887 --> 00:12:47,757
I am by far the most creative
person in the family!
311
00:12:47,791 --> 00:12:48,791
Okay, okay.
312
00:12:48,825 --> 00:12:50,094
Okay yourself, guy.
313
00:12:50,127 --> 00:12:52,863
Sorry, sorry. I'm... I'm truly sorry.
314
00:12:52,896 --> 00:12:54,998
(sighs) Let's just forget about it.
315
00:12:56,499 --> 00:12:58,334
(sighs)
316
00:12:58,368 --> 00:13:01,104
I feel like I undersold Bone Day.
317
00:13:01,137 --> 00:13:04,374
318
00:13:37,107 --> 00:13:39,677
Thanks for not trying anything, Steve!
319
00:13:39,709 --> 00:13:41,679
And I never will!
320
00:13:45,114 --> 00:13:46,849
You asked to see me, sir?
321
00:13:46,882 --> 00:13:49,420
Tell me something good, Smith.
I need it.
322
00:13:49,453 --> 00:13:50,688
Something good.
323
00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:53,089
Uh, Big Daddy Jeff and the Stooge
324
00:13:53,123 --> 00:13:54,592
are back on FM 93.1.
325
00:13:54,624 --> 00:13:56,326
I guess the Stooge
isn't going to prison.
326
00:13:56,359 --> 00:13:59,529
A weight lifted, and my heart needs it.
327
00:13:59,562 --> 00:14:03,166
Agent Davenport died on
a mission last night.
328
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:07,036
Sir, um, I know the
timing of this is tough,
329
00:14:07,070 --> 00:14:10,741
but, well, I closed the
case this morning.
330
00:14:10,773 --> 00:14:12,108
It was Agent Davenport
331
00:14:12,142 --> 00:14:13,877
who didn't bring a gift to Evil Santa.
332
00:14:13,910 --> 00:14:15,346
Smith, are you quite sure?
333
00:14:15,378 --> 00:14:17,180
I am.
334
00:14:17,214 --> 00:14:20,584
Maybe he knew I was close and
took it into his own hands.
335
00:14:20,617 --> 00:14:23,786
By tying himself up and
being shot several times
336
00:14:23,820 --> 00:14:26,190
through the trunk of an old Fiat.
337
00:14:26,223 --> 00:14:27,724
Yes, that makes sense.
338
00:14:27,757 --> 00:14:28,758
But why...
339
00:14:28,791 --> 00:14:30,261
He was still a great agent.
340
00:14:30,294 --> 00:14:31,795
The best way to honor him
341
00:14:31,828 --> 00:14:34,531
is to not look for any
soft spots in my story.
342
00:14:34,564 --> 00:14:36,067
You're right.
343
00:14:38,669 --> 00:14:40,304
You can pay for your
Steve date experience
344
00:14:40,336 --> 00:14:41,604
with cash or credit.
345
00:14:41,637 --> 00:14:43,706
She wants to know if we'll accept
346
00:14:43,739 --> 00:14:46,243
a video of her getting
her nipples pierced.
347
00:14:46,276 --> 00:14:48,878
Yeah, look, Jessica, Steve
would love to escort you
348
00:14:48,911 --> 00:14:50,314
to the Winter Formal,
349
00:14:50,347 --> 00:14:52,382
but I'm looking and there's
nothing available.
350
00:14:52,416 --> 00:14:55,652
You know what, for you, let
me talk to my manager.
351
00:14:59,455 --> 00:15:01,392
Oh, my God, this never happens.
352
00:15:01,425 --> 00:15:03,060
He's making room for you.
353
00:15:03,093 --> 00:15:05,996
I cannot stress to you how
much this never happens.
354
00:15:06,028 --> 00:15:08,464
If you were to expect
this in the future,
355
00:15:08,498 --> 00:15:10,434
you would be insane.
356
00:15:12,134 --> 00:15:14,971
You're really going to enjoy
our Steve Silver Package.
357
00:15:15,004 --> 00:15:16,639
It's a drop-off, a picture,
358
00:15:16,672 --> 00:15:19,176
and I'll talk to your dad
about model airplanes.
359
00:15:19,209 --> 00:15:21,445
Oh, Steve, you're so nice.
360
00:15:21,478 --> 00:15:24,815
It's... It's making me
so horny for Trevor.
361
00:15:24,848 --> 00:15:26,983
Oh, you're one of Trevor's girls.
362
00:15:27,017 --> 00:15:30,354
Yeah, he's been hitting it
pretty hard since his divorce.
363
00:15:30,387 --> 00:15:33,791
We're gathered here
today to honor a man,
364
00:15:33,824 --> 00:15:35,426
Wallace Davenport.
365
00:15:35,459 --> 00:15:37,828
- I think you actually got me out of this.
- Actually?
366
00:15:37,860 --> 00:15:39,829
What... What the hell
is your problem, man?
367
00:15:39,863 --> 00:15:43,599
Beloved husband, devoted father, and...
368
00:15:43,632 --> 00:15:45,969
(crying)
369
00:15:46,002 --> 00:15:48,137
Oh, I just can't do it!
370
00:15:48,171 --> 00:15:51,175
How dare you cry for this man?
371
00:15:51,208 --> 00:15:53,677
He didn't bring a gift to Evil Santa!
372
00:15:53,709 --> 00:15:54,711
(all gasp)
373
00:15:54,744 --> 00:15:56,647
I'm not sure if there is a hell,
374
00:15:56,680 --> 00:15:59,149
but if there is one, Davenport's there,
375
00:15:59,181 --> 00:16:01,851
wrapping an empty box
in his own flayed skin
376
00:16:01,884 --> 00:16:02,985
for all eternity!
377
00:16:03,018 --> 00:16:04,554
But he brought a poker set.
378
00:16:04,588 --> 00:16:06,857
Shh! You're... You're
delirious with grief.
379
00:16:06,889 --> 00:16:08,891
That was me. I brought the poker set.
380
00:16:08,925 --> 00:16:10,894
- He was a coward!
- He was a traitor!
381
00:16:10,926 --> 00:16:12,729
Whoa, whoa, whoa, people, please.
382
00:16:12,762 --> 00:16:14,131
Can't we just bury the man
383
00:16:14,163 --> 00:16:16,065
and all the issues surrounding him?
384
00:16:16,099 --> 00:16:18,735
You'll never see a dime of his pension.
385
00:16:18,768 --> 00:16:20,903
But we'll lose everything.
386
00:16:20,936 --> 00:16:22,638
This has gone too far.
387
00:16:22,671 --> 00:16:25,375
Stan, can't you see no
one's getting hurt here?
388
00:16:25,408 --> 00:16:29,045
I declare prima nocta!
389
00:16:30,498 --> 00:16:31,499
(crying)
390
00:16:32,245 --> 00:16:34,048
We're never gonna make it
391
00:16:34,081 --> 00:16:36,517
with Bullock taking the pension away.
392
00:16:36,549 --> 00:16:38,485
Katie's medication alone...
393
00:16:38,519 --> 00:16:39,854
(coughs)
394
00:16:39,886 --> 00:16:41,988
And Katie's... Katie's
absolutely essential?
395
00:16:42,788 --> 00:16:43,491
You know what, forget it.
396
00:16:43,582 --> 00:16:45,317
I guarantee you'll have that pension.
397
00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:49,722
Roger, I just promised the C.I.A.
398
00:16:49,754 --> 00:16:51,924
would pay Davenport's pension.
399
00:16:51,957 --> 00:16:53,258
Oh, bad lie, Stan.
400
00:16:53,292 --> 00:16:54,726
Not a Roger-sanctioned lie.
401
00:16:54,759 --> 00:16:55,794
But it is a lie,
402
00:16:55,827 --> 00:16:57,596
so don't be too hard on yourself.
403
00:16:57,629 --> 00:16:59,765
- How am I gonna pay her?
- It's simple.
404
00:16:59,799 --> 00:17:02,635
You get a night job to support
your new secret family.
405
00:17:02,667 --> 00:17:03,802
I know a great place.
406
00:17:03,836 --> 00:17:05,171
Ace Crouton!
407
00:17:05,204 --> 00:17:07,072
You were supposed to
find my missing kid!
408
00:17:07,106 --> 00:17:08,641
And I'm looking for him.
409
00:17:08,674 --> 00:17:09,676
Her.
410
00:17:09,708 --> 00:17:11,276
Oh, a clue!
411
00:17:11,310 --> 00:17:13,679
412
00:17:13,713 --> 00:17:14,848
(camera clicks)
413
00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:16,248
Great.
414
00:17:16,282 --> 00:17:18,417
Now go on and get felt
up by a delinquent.
415
00:17:18,450 --> 00:17:19,618
He's not coming.
416
00:17:19,651 --> 00:17:21,754
He just texted me. He's sick.
417
00:17:21,786 --> 00:17:24,323
(coughs) Tony's sick, too.
418
00:17:24,357 --> 00:17:26,658
Wyatt's dead. (sneezes)
419
00:17:26,692 --> 00:17:29,762
Steve, do you have that hanky on you?
420
00:17:29,794 --> 00:17:33,432
No. Unfortunately I don't,
tonight of all nights.
421
00:17:33,465 --> 00:17:36,468
Center for Disease Control!
Nobody move!
422
00:17:36,502 --> 00:17:37,669
(device beeps)
423
00:17:37,703 --> 00:17:39,105
- (screaming)
- What's going on?!
424
00:17:39,138 --> 00:17:41,975
(device beeping rapidly)
425
00:17:42,007 --> 00:17:43,309
Right here. Hot zone.
426
00:17:45,011 --> 00:17:46,546
Aah! I confess!
427
00:17:46,579 --> 00:17:49,148
I'm a good boy for hire!
428
00:17:49,180 --> 00:17:50,315
(device pings)
429
00:17:50,349 --> 00:17:51,618
Sir, he's telling the truth.
430
00:17:51,650 --> 00:17:53,018
Who cares?
431
00:17:53,052 --> 00:17:54,853
There's been an outbreak
of conquistador measles,
432
00:17:54,887 --> 00:17:57,223
and levels are off the
chart around this kid.
433
00:17:57,255 --> 00:17:59,359
(device buzzes)
434
00:17:59,391 --> 00:18:01,427
Mother of God.
435
00:18:04,863 --> 00:18:07,232
Wait, why didn't I get sick?
436
00:18:07,265 --> 00:18:10,669
Conquistador measles doesn't
infect the sexually immature.
437
00:18:10,703 --> 00:18:13,873
Pfft. A class-5 virus going
after a dweeb like you?
438
00:18:13,906 --> 00:18:15,408
Please.
439
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,209
But it could still like
me as a friend, right?
440
00:18:17,243 --> 00:18:18,845
And maybe one day,
441
00:18:18,878 --> 00:18:21,348
it could grow into something
more than friendship?
442
00:18:27,086 --> 00:18:29,355
(cellphone vibrates)
443
00:18:29,388 --> 00:18:31,823
Stan, are you working late again?
444
00:18:31,857 --> 00:18:34,827
I need you here to
explain Kimmel's jokes.
445
00:18:34,859 --> 00:18:38,398
You know how the C.I.A. is
this time of year with...
446
00:18:38,430 --> 00:18:40,699
Toyota days around the corner?
447
00:18:40,733 --> 00:18:42,402
Got to go, big mission.
448
00:18:42,435 --> 00:18:44,203
Stan, no personal calls!
449
00:18:44,235 --> 00:18:47,105
Last warning if you want
to keep getting paid.
450
00:18:47,138 --> 00:18:49,074
Wait, this is all?
451
00:18:49,108 --> 00:18:50,877
Any chance I could get an advance
452
00:18:50,909 --> 00:18:52,445
on my next 10 year's salary?
453
00:18:52,477 --> 00:18:54,046
What do I look like, a bank?
454
00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:57,384
No. Not really.
455
00:18:59,819 --> 00:19:03,923
One bank, then the
widow's good for life.
456
00:19:03,956 --> 00:19:06,125
Two banks.
457
00:19:06,158 --> 00:19:08,093
My body's full of money.
458
00:19:08,127 --> 00:19:10,297
(banjo playing)
459
00:19:22,742 --> 00:19:25,145
(banjo slows, distorts)
460
00:19:33,284 --> 00:19:35,621
Stan? What are you doing here?
461
00:19:35,655 --> 00:19:38,224
Roger? You... you sell sperm, too?
462
00:19:38,256 --> 00:19:40,626
Sell?
463
00:19:40,659 --> 00:19:41,927
Hey, you look like me.
464
00:19:41,961 --> 00:19:43,796
This is crazy. I got to get a pic.
465
00:19:43,829 --> 00:19:45,063
(camera clicks)
466
00:19:45,097 --> 00:19:46,499
Twinsies!
467
00:19:46,532 --> 00:19:50,503
God, look at me. Look
at what I've become.
468
00:19:50,535 --> 00:19:52,504
Lying has turned me
469
00:19:52,538 --> 00:19:55,274
into a horrible, grotesque monster.
470
00:19:55,306 --> 00:19:56,575
(gasps)
471
00:19:56,609 --> 00:19:58,144
Well, you're not having any trouble
472
00:19:58,177 --> 00:20:00,178
with brutal honesty right now!
473
00:20:00,212 --> 00:20:02,315
I'm just not built to be a liar.
474
00:20:02,348 --> 00:20:04,317
No, you're built to be a jerk!
475
00:20:04,350 --> 00:20:05,651
(crying)
476
00:20:05,685 --> 00:20:07,354
Double my order!
477
00:20:09,955 --> 00:20:13,826
So, you didn't bring a gift, led
a fraudulent investigation,
478
00:20:13,859 --> 00:20:16,763
had me desecrate a
fellow agent's funeral,
479
00:20:16,795 --> 00:20:18,331
then sold your plasma and semen
480
00:20:18,363 --> 00:20:20,132
until you were at the brink of death?
481
00:20:20,166 --> 00:20:21,167
That's the gist.
482
00:20:21,199 --> 00:20:22,501
(sighs)
483
00:20:22,534 --> 00:20:24,504
I think the lesson is obvious, Smith.
484
00:20:24,536 --> 00:20:25,771
It is.
485
00:20:25,804 --> 00:20:27,539
I'm a better man when I'm honest.
486
00:20:27,572 --> 00:20:30,208
Also, you never really escape a lie.
487
00:20:30,242 --> 00:20:32,378
Even if you get away with it.
488
00:20:32,410 --> 00:20:33,946
Geez!
489
00:20:33,978 --> 00:20:37,649
The lesson is to bring a
bloody gift to Evil Santa.
490
00:20:37,683 --> 00:20:41,287
A mistake I'm sure you
didn't make this year.
491
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:43,321
492
00:20:43,354 --> 00:20:45,857
Uh...
493
00:20:45,890 --> 00:20:47,192
Get it?
494
00:20:47,225 --> 00:20:49,361
This bozo's right back
where he started.
495
00:20:49,395 --> 00:20:51,531
Merry Christmas from
our family to yours!
496
00:20:51,563 --> 00:20:53,965
Wait a minute, is this
our Christmas episode?
497
00:20:53,998 --> 00:20:55,567
What month is this?
498
00:20:55,628 --> 00:20:59,495
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