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1
00:00:01,875 --> 00:00:04,777
Ugh, why are you dragging
us to church with you?
2
00:00:04,811 --> 00:00:07,681
We were gonna find Jeff the
perfect pair of overalls today.
3
00:00:07,713 --> 00:00:10,216
It's always the chest pocket
that's the dealbreaker.
4
00:00:10,249 --> 00:00:12,553
When it comes to overalls,
you can't settle.
5
00:00:12,585 --> 00:00:14,255
It's why Kris Kross split up.
6
00:00:14,287 --> 00:00:16,123
It's Wiggity-wiggity-wiggity sad.
7
00:00:16,156 --> 00:00:19,460
This family goes to church
on Easter, end of story.
8
00:00:19,493 --> 00:00:21,028
Well, Roger's part of the family.
9
00:00:21,060 --> 00:00:22,262
Why doesn't he have to go?
10
00:00:22,295 --> 00:00:24,764
Roger goes to church, just not ours.
11
00:00:24,798 --> 00:00:26,267
(UPBEAT HYMN MUSIC PLAYING)
12
00:00:26,299 --> 00:00:27,700
-
You got to have
-
Power
13
00:00:27,734 --> 00:00:29,703
-
All you need is
-
Power
14
00:00:29,735 --> 00:00:32,139
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
15
00:00:32,172 --> 00:00:33,440
Oh!
16
00:00:33,472 --> 00:00:35,875
Brother Jenkins is feeling it!
17
00:00:35,908 --> 00:00:38,746
Jesus, take my feet!
18
00:00:40,579 --> 00:00:44,150
Okay, kids, get ready to
find those Easter eggs.
19
00:00:44,183 --> 00:00:45,718
Aren't you too old for this?
20
00:00:45,752 --> 00:00:47,453
You're never too old to have fun.
21
00:00:47,487 --> 00:00:48,789
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- (THUD!)
22
00:00:48,822 --> 00:00:50,291
- (INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
- BOY: Over here!
23
00:00:50,323 --> 00:00:52,192
And stay down!
24
00:00:57,130 --> 00:01:00,501
Bow to your leader, the King of eggs!
25
00:01:00,533 --> 00:01:03,237
Hey, kid in the middle you're faking!
26
00:01:03,270 --> 00:01:06,473
Aaatomic Easter drop!
27
00:01:06,506 --> 00:01:09,276
(PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS)
28
00:01:09,309 --> 00:01:12,146
Good morning, U.S.A.
29
00:01:12,178 --> 00:01:15,582
I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day
30
00:01:15,615 --> 00:01:18,919
The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face
31
00:01:18,952 --> 00:01:22,957
And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race
32
00:01:24,958 --> 00:01:28,194
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
33
00:01:28,228 --> 00:01:30,497
Good morning, U.S.A.
34
00:01:30,529 --> 00:01:31,798
Aah!
35
00:01:33,065 --> 00:01:34,245
Good morning, U.S.A.
36
00:01:34,270 --> 00:01:36,440
- sync and corrections by Caio -
- www.addic7ed.com -
37
00:01:39,172 --> 00:01:41,140
Which is why, on this day,
38
00:01:41,173 --> 00:01:43,711
we remember what happened in Galilee.
39
00:01:43,744 --> 00:01:46,180
Psst! Red hat!
40
00:01:46,213 --> 00:01:47,815
Red hat!
41
00:01:50,884 --> 00:01:52,986
Stan, who is that?
42
00:01:53,018 --> 00:01:55,822
If I play my cards right, a new friend.
43
00:01:55,856 --> 00:01:58,524
Mr. Smith, your son has
outgrown Sunday school.
44
00:01:58,557 --> 00:02:00,893
Smart, lady... get rid of
the one kid who can kind of
45
00:02:00,926 --> 00:02:02,562
go to the bathroom by himself.
46
00:02:02,595 --> 00:02:05,298
- Sit!
- Okay.
47
00:02:05,332 --> 00:02:07,967
So, this is adult services?
48
00:02:08,001 --> 00:02:09,737
The place is bigger than I imagined.
49
00:02:09,769 --> 00:02:11,505
Were we supposed to bring
our own cushions, or...
50
00:02:11,537 --> 00:02:12,805
Shh!
51
00:02:12,839 --> 00:02:16,175
And the disciples found his tomb empty
52
00:02:16,209 --> 00:02:19,413
because he had risen from
the dead, and then...
53
00:02:19,446 --> 00:02:22,348
So... so Jesus was like a zombie?
54
00:02:22,382 --> 00:02:24,218
Like in "The Walking Dead"?
55
00:02:24,251 --> 00:02:26,854
...Shall ye be told
what shall be made...
56
00:02:26,887 --> 00:02:28,489
I wish Chris Hardwick were here
57
00:02:28,521 --> 00:02:30,757
to giddily explain these
confusing plot points.
58
00:02:30,791 --> 00:02:32,258
Shh!
59
00:02:32,292 --> 00:02:34,428
Doubting Thomas himself
stepped forward...
60
00:02:34,460 --> 00:02:37,430
Doubting Thomas stuck his
finger in Jesus' what?
61
00:02:37,464 --> 00:02:39,932
Am I the only one here who
thinks this is totally weird?!
62
00:02:39,965 --> 00:02:41,200
- Shh!
- Quiet!
63
00:02:41,233 --> 00:02:42,869
- Please!
- Come on!
64
00:02:42,902 --> 00:02:45,005
Is anyone actually buying this?
65
00:02:45,037 --> 00:02:46,906
Steve, you're destroying
all the groundwork
66
00:02:46,940 --> 00:02:48,776
I laid with red hat.
67
00:02:48,809 --> 00:02:51,245
68
00:02:51,277 --> 00:02:54,214
My own son, a Godless heathen.
69
00:02:54,246 --> 00:02:56,883
Ehh, got to admit, he
made a few good points.
70
00:02:56,917 --> 00:02:59,186
That's it, hash Browns
for believers only.
71
00:02:59,219 --> 00:03:01,388
Okay, dad, if you're
such a good Christian,
72
00:03:01,420 --> 00:03:03,590
why weren't you paying
attention in church?
73
00:03:03,622 --> 00:03:05,225
'Cause I'm already a believer.
74
00:03:05,257 --> 00:03:07,393
Religion solves all the
big problems for me.
75
00:03:07,426 --> 00:03:08,961
Life after death? Solved!
76
00:03:08,995 --> 00:03:10,731
Meaning of existence? Solved!
77
00:03:10,763 --> 00:03:13,699
Now I can spend my time
focusing on things I enjoy,
78
00:03:13,733 --> 00:03:16,235
like complaining about
the terrible service!
79
00:03:16,269 --> 00:03:17,604
What?!
80
00:03:17,637 --> 00:03:20,274
This place sucks.
81
00:03:20,306 --> 00:03:22,608
Now, back to the big picture.
82
00:03:22,642 --> 00:03:24,811
Imagine life is like a really hard class
83
00:03:24,845 --> 00:03:28,215
that you're for sure gonna fail,
but then you open your textbook,
84
00:03:28,247 --> 00:03:31,250
and you see some nerd wrote all
the answers in it for you.
85
00:03:31,283 --> 00:03:34,488
Well, this guy you've got
the balls to call a nerd?
86
00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:38,825
That's God, and your
textbook, the Bible.
87
00:03:38,858 --> 00:03:42,562
But it's just a bunch of crazy
folk tales and impossible stuff.
88
00:03:42,596 --> 00:03:45,632
Nonsense. Every word of
the Bible is 100% true.
89
00:03:45,664 --> 00:03:47,733
Oh, really? And what makes you so sure?
90
00:03:47,767 --> 00:03:49,803
Because it's the greatest
book ever written.
91
00:03:49,835 --> 00:03:51,437
All the best stories are in there.
92
00:03:51,471 --> 00:03:52,940
Noah's ark, David and Goliath,
93
00:03:52,972 --> 00:03:55,007
the Princess and the
pea, "Steamboat Willie,"
94
00:03:55,041 --> 00:03:57,478
the story of the rabbit who
stole the children's cereal,
95
00:03:57,511 --> 00:04:00,114
the man who says, "Now,
that's a spicy meatball!"
96
00:04:01,614 --> 00:04:03,316
Uhh, Dad?
97
00:04:03,350 --> 00:04:06,286
Have you ever, you know,
actually read the Bible?
98
00:04:06,318 --> 00:04:08,955
Why would I? That's what the
talking guy at church does.
99
00:04:08,989 --> 00:04:11,458
If there was something fishy in
there, he'd have caught it by now.
100
00:04:11,490 --> 00:04:13,125
He's obsessed with that thing.
101
00:04:13,158 --> 00:04:15,495
- Well, maybe you should go read it.
- Fine, I will.
102
00:04:15,529 --> 00:04:17,096
In fact, I tell you what, Steve.
103
00:04:17,130 --> 00:04:18,598
We'll read the Bible together.
104
00:04:18,632 --> 00:04:20,199
It's about time someone instilled
105
00:04:20,233 --> 00:04:21,634
a little faith into you.
106
00:04:21,668 --> 00:04:23,804
(SCOFFS) Please. Faith is for suckers.
107
00:04:23,836 --> 00:04:26,772
(GASPS DRAMATICALLY)
108
00:04:26,805 --> 00:04:28,442
Stan?!
109
00:04:28,474 --> 00:04:30,543
(CONTINUES GASPING)
110
00:04:30,577 --> 00:04:32,713
Daddy, please stop gasping!
111
00:04:32,745 --> 00:04:34,013
(CONTINUES GASPING)
112
00:04:38,914 --> 00:04:41,250
Here we are, the family Bible.
113
00:04:41,284 --> 00:04:43,286
I see you got it at Waldenbooks.
114
00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:44,788
Yes, Waldenbooks.
115
00:04:44,820 --> 00:04:46,656
Don't you have respect for anything?
116
00:04:46,690 --> 00:04:48,992
No better place to start
than at the beginning.
117
00:04:49,024 --> 00:04:52,161
"In the beginning..."
right spot, good start...
118
00:04:52,195 --> 00:04:54,331
"God created the heavens and the Earth.
119
00:04:54,363 --> 00:04:57,800
On the first day, God separated
light and darkness."
120
00:04:57,834 --> 00:04:59,470
- See? Simple enough.
- Hmm.
121
00:04:59,502 --> 00:05:01,839
Well, down here, it says
that on the fourth day,
122
00:05:01,872 --> 00:05:03,507
God created the sun and stars.
123
00:05:03,539 --> 00:05:05,141
Tell me, how could light exist
124
00:05:05,175 --> 00:05:07,110
before the sun and stars were created?
125
00:05:07,142 --> 00:05:08,578
Well, there's got to be an explanation.
126
00:05:08,611 --> 00:05:09,979
(SNAPS FINGERS) And here it is.
127
00:05:10,012 --> 00:05:12,048
- Probably God has lasers.
- (LASERS BLASTING)
128
00:05:15,284 --> 00:05:17,587
The Adam and Eve story.
129
00:05:17,620 --> 00:05:20,524
I defy you to find even a
single flaw with this.
130
00:05:20,557 --> 00:05:23,860
It says that Adam lived
to be 930 years old.
131
00:05:23,894 --> 00:05:26,296
That's a big number, but
you got to remember,
132
00:05:26,329 --> 00:05:27,831
this was before doctors,
133
00:05:27,863 --> 00:05:30,334
so cancer and that kind of
stuff didn't exist yet.
134
00:05:30,367 --> 00:05:31,869
Cain was married?
135
00:05:31,901 --> 00:05:33,769
How could Cain possibly have had a wife
136
00:05:33,803 --> 00:05:36,038
when the only other people
in existence at the time
137
00:05:36,072 --> 00:05:37,608
were his parents and brother?
138
00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:40,843
Steve, guys like Cain always
end up with the girl.
139
00:05:40,877 --> 00:05:42,880
Scratch that... still makes no sense.
140
00:05:42,913 --> 00:05:46,183
Um, uh, might have to
come back to that one.
141
00:05:46,216 --> 00:05:49,987
The ark is filled with thousands
upon thousands of animals.
142
00:05:50,019 --> 00:05:52,955
How were each of them fed and
tended to by just eight people?
143
00:05:52,988 --> 00:05:55,058
Uh...
144
00:05:55,091 --> 00:05:58,295
And how did a dove return
with an Olive leaf,
145
00:05:58,327 --> 00:06:00,830
when no Olive tree
could possibly survive
146
00:06:00,863 --> 00:06:02,666
an apocalyptic flood?
147
00:06:02,699 --> 00:06:04,635
Oh, God, I don't know!
148
00:06:04,668 --> 00:06:06,970
And the ark... a boat this size
149
00:06:07,002 --> 00:06:09,406
could never hold two of every animal.
150
00:06:09,438 --> 00:06:11,073
The ark would have to be, like,
151
00:06:11,106 --> 00:06:12,976
the size of four baseball stadiums.
152
00:06:13,009 --> 00:06:14,211
(CREAKING)
153
00:06:14,243 --> 00:06:15,678
- (COW MOOING)
- (MONKEY HOOTING)
154
00:06:15,711 --> 00:06:17,647
No boat that's big! I'm drowning!
155
00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:19,149
I'm drowning in your logic!
156
00:06:19,182 --> 00:06:21,051
Oh, God, my faith.
157
00:06:21,084 --> 00:06:23,554
Everything I believe, it's all crazy.
158
00:06:23,586 --> 00:06:25,221
It's crazy baloney.
159
00:06:25,255 --> 00:06:28,659
It's not crazy baloney because
crazy baloney is real.
160
00:06:28,692 --> 00:06:31,061
It's called pepperoni.
161
00:06:34,664 --> 00:06:36,733
I don't know who I am anymore.
162
00:06:36,766 --> 00:06:39,869
Without my faith, I'm... I'm nothing.
163
00:06:39,902 --> 00:06:41,471
That's not true.
164
00:06:41,503 --> 00:06:44,006
- You're a husband, a father.
- That means nothing!
165
00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:47,744
Stan, maybe you don't need to
be so literal with the Bible.
166
00:06:47,777 --> 00:06:51,648
You know, a lot of people see it
as a set of instructive fables.
167
00:06:51,681 --> 00:06:54,017
Fables? You want me to
base my entire life
168
00:06:54,049 --> 00:06:55,919
on a bunch of imaginary fairy tales?
169
00:06:55,951 --> 00:06:58,253
That would only make sense
if I was imaginary.
170
00:06:58,287 --> 00:07:00,056
The only problem is I'm real!
171
00:07:00,088 --> 00:07:02,424
I'm as real as crazy baloney!
172
00:07:02,458 --> 00:07:03,960
(SOBS)
173
00:07:08,064 --> 00:07:09,933
It's the end of the world!
174
00:07:09,965 --> 00:07:11,867
- I know.
- You heard, too?
175
00:07:11,900 --> 00:07:14,603
Kraft made their mac and
cheese even cheesier.
176
00:07:14,636 --> 00:07:16,071
I mean, I haven't tried it yet,
177
00:07:16,104 --> 00:07:18,208
but I'm almost certain it'll
be too cheesy for me.
178
00:07:18,241 --> 00:07:19,676
What?! No!
179
00:07:19,708 --> 00:07:21,845
- I lost my faith.
- Oh, that.
180
00:07:21,878 --> 00:07:23,279
Stan, I've been telling you for years
181
00:07:23,311 --> 00:07:24,547
religion was a load of bull.
182
00:07:24,580 --> 00:07:26,181
Why didn't you ever listen to me?
183
00:07:26,215 --> 00:07:28,118
No one likes to be ignored.
184
00:07:28,150 --> 00:07:30,052
You hurt my feelings,
185
00:07:30,085 --> 00:07:31,955
but I suppose that's all in the past.
186
00:07:31,987 --> 00:07:34,124
- I'm already over it!
- Good for you.
187
00:07:34,157 --> 00:07:36,258
Stan, wake up! (CLAPPING)
188
00:07:36,292 --> 00:07:37,527
Can't you see?
189
00:07:37,559 --> 00:07:38,961
Without the shackles of religion,
190
00:07:38,994 --> 00:07:40,463
you're free to do whatever you want.
191
00:07:40,496 --> 00:07:42,097
Break a commandment, break all of 'em.
192
00:07:42,131 --> 00:07:43,398
How will that help?
193
00:07:43,431 --> 00:07:45,400
Uh, pleasure... ever heard of it?
194
00:07:45,434 --> 00:07:46,770
Ever grokked it?
195
00:07:46,802 --> 00:07:49,138
Pleasure is the road to happiness.
196
00:07:49,172 --> 00:07:52,241
People talk about filling the
void as if it's a bad thing.
197
00:07:52,275 --> 00:07:55,345
It's actually full of nerve endings.
198
00:07:57,013 --> 00:07:58,648
Okay, we'll start off small.
199
00:07:58,681 --> 00:08:01,417
Sneak over to the neighbor's
porch and steal the welcome mat.
200
00:08:01,450 --> 00:08:03,620
I don't know, that kind
of sounds like stealing.
201
00:08:03,653 --> 00:08:05,220
And thou shalt not do it,
202
00:08:05,253 --> 00:08:07,790
but that's why it'll make you feel good.
203
00:08:12,361 --> 00:08:14,164
(GIGGLING)
204
00:08:14,196 --> 00:08:15,764
Whoo, that did feel good.
205
00:08:15,797 --> 00:08:18,100
Who needs God when you've
got this welcome mat?
206
00:08:18,133 --> 00:08:20,235
Welcome mat's just the beginning.
207
00:08:20,268 --> 00:08:21,937
We're gonna go way deeper.
208
00:08:21,970 --> 00:08:26,008
209
00:08:26,042 --> 00:08:30,814
-
I watched you change
- (GLASS BREAKS)
210
00:08:33,783 --> 00:08:38,655
-
Into a fly
- (ROOSTER CLUCKING)
211
00:08:38,688 --> 00:08:40,189
(SIREN WAILS)
212
00:08:40,222 --> 00:08:41,524
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
213
00:08:41,557 --> 00:08:44,294
- (TIRES SCREECH)
-
I looked away
214
00:08:44,327 --> 00:08:49,966
You were on fire
215
00:08:49,998 --> 00:08:52,001
(DOOR SLAMS)
216
00:08:59,507 --> 00:09:02,177
I watched a change
217
00:09:02,211 --> 00:09:04,047
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
218
00:09:04,079 --> 00:09:06,815
In you
219
00:09:06,848 --> 00:09:10,052
It's like you never
220
00:09:10,086 --> 00:09:13,556
Umm, what did you do with the basement?
221
00:09:13,588 --> 00:09:16,458
You scared Suck Boy Tony!
222
00:09:16,491 --> 00:09:19,462
Stan, you don't seem very happy.
223
00:09:19,495 --> 00:09:21,530
(SIGHS) I tried everything
to fill the void
224
00:09:21,564 --> 00:09:22,998
where my faith used to be.
225
00:09:23,031 --> 00:09:24,400
I'm lost, Francine.
226
00:09:24,433 --> 00:09:26,468
Everything is meaningless.
227
00:09:26,501 --> 00:09:28,003
TONY: Have you tried meditating?
228
00:09:28,036 --> 00:09:30,906
Hey, Tony, that mouth's
not for giving advice.
229
00:09:30,939 --> 00:09:32,674
Have you seen dad?
230
00:09:32,708 --> 00:09:34,309
He's supposed to take me
to an autograph session
231
00:09:34,342 --> 00:09:36,545
with Food & Wine magazine's Gail Simmons
232
00:09:36,578 --> 00:09:38,213
at Murray's Discount Auto Store.
233
00:09:38,246 --> 00:09:39,482
Listen to me.
234
00:09:39,515 --> 00:09:41,484
Your father's in really bad shape
235
00:09:41,516 --> 00:09:44,087
because of your big-shot
ideas about the Bible.
236
00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:47,891
So you need to find a way to
restore his faith real fast.
237
00:09:47,924 --> 00:09:49,491
Me? I don't know what to do.
238
00:09:49,525 --> 00:09:51,560
You broke him, you fix him!
239
00:09:51,593 --> 00:09:54,030
Oh, and stay out of the basement.
240
00:09:54,063 --> 00:09:55,765
The furnace has been making
241
00:09:55,798 --> 00:09:59,501
a moaning and wet slapping sound.
242
00:09:59,535 --> 00:10:02,005
(THUNDER BOOMS)
243
00:10:02,038 --> 00:10:04,507
(KEYBOARD CLACKING)
244
00:10:04,540 --> 00:10:05,942
Okay, great.
245
00:10:05,974 --> 00:10:08,176
I can just send him to
one of these camps.
246
00:10:08,209 --> 00:10:09,578
Oh.
247
00:10:09,612 --> 00:10:12,515
These are, uh, gay conversion camps.
248
00:10:12,548 --> 00:10:15,952
Wait a minute, is that Suck Boy Tony?
249
00:10:15,985 --> 00:10:18,922
(SCOFFS) They got their
work cut out for them.
250
00:10:19,655 --> 00:10:20,924
Dad?
251
00:10:23,291 --> 00:10:25,427
I've never seen him like this before.
252
00:10:25,461 --> 00:10:27,864
He's just lying out there
in the pouring rain.
253
00:10:27,896 --> 00:10:31,099
- (THUNDER BOOMS)
- The pouring rain!
254
00:10:31,132 --> 00:10:33,235
(KEYBOARD CLACKING)
255
00:10:35,905 --> 00:10:37,940
It's all meaningless.
256
00:10:37,973 --> 00:10:41,910
There's no point to anything,
not even breathing.
257
00:10:41,943 --> 00:10:43,612
Last one.
258
00:10:43,645 --> 00:10:45,748
(INHALES)
259
00:10:48,450 --> 00:10:49,785
(HARP MUSIC PLAYS)
260
00:10:49,818 --> 00:10:51,453
Hallelujah
261
00:10:51,487 --> 00:10:53,488
-
Hallelujah
- God?
262
00:10:53,521 --> 00:10:56,258
- Is that really you?
- No, son.
263
00:10:56,291 --> 00:10:58,827
I'm your brain cells dying.
264
00:10:58,861 --> 00:11:02,131
You've now forgotten the word zebra.
265
00:11:02,164 --> 00:11:03,598
- (SNAPS FINGERS)
- Zebra?
266
00:11:03,631 --> 00:11:05,768
Big whoop. I never heard
that word in my life.
267
00:11:13,108 --> 00:11:14,743
- (GASPS)
- Dad, come inside.
268
00:11:14,776 --> 00:11:16,078
I got something to show you.
269
00:11:16,112 --> 00:11:19,147
Look! It's a gigantic ship in Korea.
270
00:11:19,180 --> 00:11:23,419
- So?
- And it's bigger than four baseball stadiums.
271
00:11:23,452 --> 00:11:25,020
Like the ark.
272
00:11:25,054 --> 00:11:26,756
Wait, is this real?
273
00:11:26,789 --> 00:11:29,158
We thought it was
impossible, but here it is!
274
00:11:29,190 --> 00:11:32,794
So, the ark could be real,
and if the ark's real,
275
00:11:32,828 --> 00:11:34,831
everything else just falls into place.
276
00:11:34,863 --> 00:11:36,631
- Well...
- I can have my faith!
277
00:11:36,665 --> 00:11:38,367
I can have my faith again!
278
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:39,669
Stan, you're back!
279
00:11:39,702 --> 00:11:41,804
Of course, I am, and better than ever.
280
00:11:41,837 --> 00:11:44,941
- (LAUGHS)
- Whoo!
281
00:11:44,973 --> 00:11:47,709
I was hopeless for so long,
but now I can see that God
282
00:11:47,742 --> 00:11:49,978
was only testing the
strength of my faith.
283
00:11:50,011 --> 00:11:51,680
And you passed the test.
284
00:11:51,713 --> 00:11:54,983
I did, so he revealed to
me through his instrument,
285
00:11:55,016 --> 00:11:58,286
- Steve, the location of the new ark.
- Oh, no.
286
00:11:58,319 --> 00:12:01,056
Family, be at peace, for
we must get to the ark
287
00:12:01,089 --> 00:12:04,960
before the floods begin
because I am the new Noah.
288
00:12:04,993 --> 00:12:06,561
Stan?
289
00:12:06,594 --> 00:12:08,330
You've been depressed,
290
00:12:08,363 --> 00:12:12,701
and now you're just swinging too
far in the other direction.
291
00:12:12,735 --> 00:12:13,970
(DOG BARKING)
292
00:12:14,002 --> 00:12:16,872
Listen! It's a sign.
293
00:12:16,905 --> 00:12:18,540
- It's a bark.
- Exactly.
294
00:12:18,573 --> 00:12:19,909
B-ark!
295
00:12:19,942 --> 00:12:21,844
Just get rid of the "B." Ark!
296
00:12:21,876 --> 00:12:24,579
(GASPS) Wait! Bring the letter "B" back.
297
00:12:24,612 --> 00:12:26,549
"B" on the ark.
298
00:12:26,582 --> 00:12:28,484
Absolutely hilarious.
299
00:12:28,516 --> 00:12:31,820
Sir, where have you
been all these years?
300
00:12:31,853 --> 00:12:33,823
Hallelujah
301
00:12:33,856 --> 00:12:36,259
-
Hallelujah
- Lord, I shall go to Korea...
302
00:12:36,291 --> 00:12:38,360
-
Hallelujah
- ...And carry out your grand design.
303
00:12:38,394 --> 00:12:39,729
Look out, world!
304
00:12:39,761 --> 00:12:42,732
God and Stan are back together again!
305
00:12:42,765 --> 00:12:46,369
It's not official till you
change your Facebook status!
306
00:12:48,947 --> 00:12:52,717
- Look, dad actually thinks he's Noah.
- Don't worry.
307
00:12:52,742 --> 00:12:54,314
When he sees that his ark is just
308
00:12:54,367 --> 00:12:57,655
a liquefied natural gas
ship, he'll snap out of it.
309
00:12:57,765 --> 00:13:00,735
And go back to being the dad,
husband, and paid killer
310
00:13:00,767 --> 00:13:03,271
for the U.S. government
we all know and love.
311
00:13:03,304 --> 00:13:05,139
What if this ark thing is real?
312
00:13:05,171 --> 00:13:06,439
He'll need two goldfish.
313
00:13:06,473 --> 00:13:07,974
Do you think he'll choose me?
314
00:13:08,007 --> 00:13:10,011
Mm, I wouldn't.
315
00:13:11,978 --> 00:13:14,714
Stan... how's it going?
316
00:13:14,747 --> 00:13:17,384
You've just been smiling peacefully
317
00:13:17,418 --> 00:13:18,919
for 20 hours straight.
318
00:13:18,952 --> 00:13:20,554
Well, why wouldn't I be smiling?
319
00:13:20,587 --> 00:13:22,323
Everyone's about to drown except us.
320
00:13:29,329 --> 00:13:31,232
Hey, watch it, buddy!
321
00:13:31,265 --> 00:13:32,566
You watch it.
322
00:13:32,598 --> 00:13:34,568
We have 40 tons of overalls to unload.
323
00:13:34,601 --> 00:13:36,470
- Overalls?
- Whoa.
324
00:13:36,502 --> 00:13:37,937
You're into overalls, too?
325
00:13:37,971 --> 00:13:39,473
I've been looking for the perfect pair,
326
00:13:39,506 --> 00:13:40,975
but it's so hard to find the right...
327
00:13:41,007 --> 00:13:42,442
TOGETHER: ...Chest pocket!
328
00:13:42,476 --> 00:13:45,813
Partner, follow my lead.
329
00:13:47,481 --> 00:13:49,984
(WHISTLING)
330
00:13:52,386 --> 00:13:53,820
Come on, Jeff!
331
00:13:53,853 --> 00:13:56,357
(WHISTLING)
332
00:13:58,192 --> 00:14:00,995
- There's no cone to kick!
- Just get in.
333
00:14:01,027 --> 00:14:05,199
I'll explain on the way why a
second cone isn't important.
334
00:14:08,535 --> 00:14:13,140
There it is... the ark.
335
00:14:13,173 --> 00:14:14,875
What a sight!
336
00:14:14,907 --> 00:14:20,146
And the crescendo of emotions,
and then, satisfied,
337
00:14:20,179 --> 00:14:22,650
we're ready to go back to the car.
338
00:14:22,683 --> 00:14:25,152
Are you joking? No, we
got to go on board.
339
00:14:25,184 --> 00:14:27,821
Dad, I'm pretty sure they're
not gonna let us do that.
340
00:14:27,854 --> 00:14:29,155
MAN: Ahoy!
341
00:14:29,189 --> 00:14:30,824
Noah!
342
00:14:30,857 --> 00:14:33,060
We've been waiting for you!
343
00:14:35,094 --> 00:14:38,998
Hi, I'm Robert Kim with
Daesong Heavy Industries.
344
00:14:39,031 --> 00:14:42,869
I know it's kind of a shocker,
but this actually is the ark.
345
00:14:42,902 --> 00:14:45,839
God gave Daesong direct
orders to rebuild it.
346
00:14:45,872 --> 00:14:47,742
Well, then, what's the hold-up?
Let's get on board.
347
00:14:47,775 --> 00:14:49,175
Absolutely.
348
00:14:49,208 --> 00:14:50,744
First, though, in order to get you ready
349
00:14:50,777 --> 00:14:52,212
for the flood, we need to train you.
350
00:14:52,246 --> 00:14:55,716
Once again, you're one step ahead.
351
00:14:55,748 --> 00:14:57,917
Sir, you can just follow
these fine folks here,
352
00:14:57,950 --> 00:15:00,754
and we will get you set up.
353
00:15:00,788 --> 00:15:03,157
You're a great man! Don't worry.
354
00:15:03,189 --> 00:15:05,025
We know he's not a great
man, and of course,
355
00:15:05,058 --> 00:15:06,827
of course this isn't the ark.
356
00:15:06,859 --> 00:15:09,596
But... you just... and he...
357
00:15:09,630 --> 00:15:10,898
Allow me to explain.
358
00:15:10,930 --> 00:15:12,900
Daesong builds a lot of big ships,
359
00:15:12,933 --> 00:15:15,102
and each time we do, it attracts people
360
00:15:15,135 --> 00:15:18,205
- who have what is known as a Noah complex.
- Like my dad?
361
00:15:18,237 --> 00:15:20,874
Lunatics like your father
can be a big nuisance,
362
00:15:20,907 --> 00:15:22,175
always sneaking on board,
363
00:15:22,208 --> 00:15:24,078
slithering around the engine room.
364
00:15:24,111 --> 00:15:27,213
- So we came up with the Noah experience...
- (FANFARE PLAYS)
365
00:15:27,247 --> 00:15:28,449
...designed to make people feel like
366
00:15:28,482 --> 00:15:29,949
they're living through the food.
367
00:15:29,982 --> 00:15:32,085
They go through it, get
it out of their systems,
368
00:15:32,118 --> 00:15:34,687
then everyone heads home
happy and safely away
369
00:15:34,721 --> 00:15:36,524
from our very expensive ships.
370
00:15:36,556 --> 00:15:38,291
Now if you'll follow me,
371
00:15:38,324 --> 00:15:41,127
we have a wonderful assortment
of Pepperidge Farm cookies
372
00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:42,762
awaiting you in the family lounge.
373
00:15:42,795 --> 00:15:44,098
Pepperidge Farm?
374
00:15:44,131 --> 00:15:45,900
Well, well, well.
375
00:15:45,933 --> 00:15:47,602
(SMACKS LIPS)
376
00:15:52,305 --> 00:15:54,208
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
377
00:15:54,241 --> 00:15:55,876
Who are these guys?
378
00:15:55,909 --> 00:15:57,444
Fellow ark seekers, like yourself.
379
00:15:57,477 --> 00:16:01,348
So, who here is ready to
start our holy adventure?!
380
00:16:03,983 --> 00:16:07,420
Look out! Here comes the storm!
381
00:16:07,453 --> 00:16:09,957
(THUNDER BOOMS)
382
00:16:11,791 --> 00:16:12,992
- Whoo-hoo!
- Make it rain!
383
00:16:13,025 --> 00:16:14,761
- All right!
- Yay!
384
00:16:14,795 --> 00:16:16,564
- Yeah!
- All right!
385
00:16:16,597 --> 00:16:19,500
There's something about
this I'm not buying.
386
00:16:19,532 --> 00:16:22,135
Get your animals to their pens!
387
00:16:22,169 --> 00:16:25,506
Go to your pen, you striped horse!
388
00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:30,010
Hmm, got to admit that
felt pretty Noah-y.
389
00:16:30,043 --> 00:16:32,880
Now let's see if the flood
waters have receded.
390
00:16:38,050 --> 00:16:39,319
Hoo-ah!
391
00:16:39,352 --> 00:16:41,521
We survived the flood!
392
00:16:41,554 --> 00:16:43,089
It's over!
393
00:16:43,122 --> 00:16:44,757
We did it!
394
00:16:44,790 --> 00:16:46,926
Ark!
395
00:16:46,959 --> 00:16:50,030
- Pretty exciting.
- And it worked!
396
00:16:50,063 --> 00:16:51,298
- Yay!
- Yeah!
397
00:16:51,330 --> 00:16:52,999
It weeded out all the fake Noahs.
398
00:16:53,032 --> 00:16:54,601
- Aw, shit.
- Aw, shit.
399
00:16:54,635 --> 00:16:55,970
So you're not over this?
400
00:16:56,002 --> 00:16:57,670
The whole experience was a sham!
401
00:16:57,704 --> 00:16:59,874
I mean, sure, the
animatronics were incredible.
402
00:16:59,907 --> 00:17:03,177
Yes, I had the time of my
life, and without question,
403
00:17:03,209 --> 00:17:04,978
these are top-quality items...
404
00:17:05,012 --> 00:17:07,281
Things I'm going to keep forever...
405
00:17:07,314 --> 00:17:09,048
But still, I was lied to!
406
00:17:09,082 --> 00:17:11,552
Yeah, you shouldn't put up with that!
407
00:17:11,584 --> 00:17:13,953
I know... let's go home,
408
00:17:13,987 --> 00:17:17,358
and you take a bunch of
antipsychotic medication.
409
00:17:17,391 --> 00:17:19,893
- That'll show 'em!
- No! This is happening!
410
00:17:19,927 --> 00:17:23,063
The flood is coming, and we
are going to be on that ark!
411
00:17:23,095 --> 00:17:25,665
Stan, come back!
412
00:17:25,699 --> 00:17:29,068
413
00:17:29,102 --> 00:17:31,405
Time to do some Bible thumping!
414
00:17:31,438 --> 00:17:33,806
The Lord said to Noah
415
00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:35,910
There's gonna be a floody-floody
416
00:17:35,942 --> 00:17:38,211
The Lord said to Noah
417
00:17:38,245 --> 00:17:40,514
There's gonna be a floody-floody
418
00:17:40,546 --> 00:17:45,018
Get those children out
of the muddy-muddy
419
00:17:45,052 --> 00:17:48,822
Children of the Lord
420
00:17:48,854 --> 00:17:51,057
The ark is ours!
421
00:17:51,091 --> 00:17:53,227
Stan, we got to go.
422
00:17:53,259 --> 00:17:55,762
You just threw the whole
crew in the ocean.
423
00:17:55,795 --> 00:17:58,498
(LAUGHS)
424
00:17:58,532 --> 00:17:59,667
Good work, Stan!
425
00:17:59,699 --> 00:18:01,067
Hey, it just occurred to me.
426
00:18:01,101 --> 00:18:02,570
There were never fish aboard the ark.
427
00:18:02,602 --> 00:18:04,103
They stayed down in the water.
428
00:18:04,137 --> 00:18:06,874
No, no!
429
00:18:06,907 --> 00:18:09,776
You dipshit, there are
[BLEEP] sharks in there!
430
00:18:09,810 --> 00:18:11,279
(SPLASHING)
431
00:18:12,579 --> 00:18:14,582
- (CREAKING)
- Mom, we got to get out of here!
432
00:18:14,614 --> 00:18:17,116
What?! This is our home
for the next 40 days.
433
00:18:17,150 --> 00:18:18,886
- Let's go check it out.
- (CLANK)
434
00:18:18,919 --> 00:18:20,554
Steve, this must be your room.
435
00:18:20,586 --> 00:18:23,256
STEVE: Dad, this is a tank
for liquefied natural gas.
436
00:18:23,289 --> 00:18:25,758
And would you look at
those vaulted ceilings!
437
00:18:25,792 --> 00:18:28,529
Perfect for all your
Cheryl Tiegs posters!
438
00:18:28,562 --> 00:18:30,631
This is the room where the pipes are.
439
00:18:30,663 --> 00:18:33,766
And this one is where
the extra pipes are.
440
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:35,603
Oh, and this must be the main pipe room.
441
00:18:35,635 --> 00:18:39,239
Pipes are very important on a ship.
442
00:18:40,140 --> 00:18:44,711
Okay, here's the animals, but
still no master bedroom.
443
00:18:44,745 --> 00:18:48,215
- There are animals here.
- No way.
444
00:18:48,247 --> 00:18:50,750
There has to be some
logical explanation.
445
00:18:50,784 --> 00:18:54,388
Ah, this manifest says these
animals are from the Busan Zoo
446
00:18:54,420 --> 00:18:56,724
being transported to the
National Zoo of Malaysia.
447
00:18:56,756 --> 00:18:58,324
See? It all makes sense.
448
00:18:58,358 --> 00:19:01,227
Not really. Even that is weird.
449
00:19:01,260 --> 00:19:02,562
Why would a zoo use
450
00:19:02,595 --> 00:19:04,931
a natural gas ship to transport animals?
451
00:19:04,965 --> 00:19:06,233
Because...
452
00:19:06,266 --> 00:19:08,235
[(SING-SONG VOICE] we got overalls!
453
00:19:08,267 --> 00:19:09,969
(THUNDER BOOMS)
454
00:19:10,003 --> 00:19:11,639
It's happening!
455
00:19:11,671 --> 00:19:13,239
We didn't miss nothing.
456
00:19:13,273 --> 00:19:14,641
Stan's still insane!
457
00:19:17,443 --> 00:19:19,245
We have to set sail now!
458
00:19:19,278 --> 00:19:21,949
Stop! Think for a second!
459
00:19:21,981 --> 00:19:24,817
Are you really about to
steal a boat of animals
460
00:19:24,851 --> 00:19:26,487
and sail off into the ocean?
461
00:19:26,519 --> 00:19:29,256
Listen, I know everything at this moment
462
00:19:29,288 --> 00:19:30,490
must look crazy to you.
463
00:19:30,524 --> 00:19:32,426
For the last thousand moments.
464
00:19:32,458 --> 00:19:34,795
But I'm asking you, all of you,
465
00:19:34,827 --> 00:19:38,999
to take this leap with
me, to have some faith.
466
00:19:40,967 --> 00:19:42,369
I'm staying.
467
00:19:42,401 --> 00:19:44,971
Steve, do you really
think this is the ark?
468
00:19:45,005 --> 00:19:46,640
Look, t-there's a lot of weird stuff
469
00:19:46,672 --> 00:19:48,342
going on that I can't explain.
470
00:19:48,374 --> 00:19:49,876
But you have faith.
471
00:19:49,910 --> 00:19:53,814
Yeah, but it's faith in
you 'cause you're Dad.
472
00:19:53,846 --> 00:19:55,882
- Well, that's stupid.
- Thanks, Son.
473
00:19:55,916 --> 00:19:57,384
Francine?
474
00:19:57,417 --> 00:20:00,688
Well, I've seen one miracle today.
475
00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:03,189
You've given Steve some faith.
476
00:20:03,222 --> 00:20:05,358
That's enough to make me stay.
477
00:20:05,391 --> 00:20:08,795
Plus, I'd like to pet the Alpaca I saw.
478
00:20:08,829 --> 00:20:10,731
Hayley?
479
00:20:10,764 --> 00:20:12,332
What do you say, baby girl?
480
00:20:12,364 --> 00:20:14,734
No way! This is beyond crazy.
481
00:20:14,767 --> 00:20:16,903
I'll see you when the
police haul you in.
482
00:20:16,937 --> 00:20:18,706
(THUNDER BOOMS)
483
00:20:18,738 --> 00:20:21,141
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING, EXPLOSIONS)
484
00:20:21,173 --> 00:20:23,410
Start the damn boat!
485
00:20:23,442 --> 00:20:26,512
(LIGHTNING CRASHES)
486
00:20:26,545 --> 00:20:28,381
(SCREAMING)
487
00:20:28,414 --> 00:20:30,483
Stan, I'm scared!
488
00:20:30,516 --> 00:20:33,987
Don't worry, after every
ending is a new beginning!
489
00:20:34,019 --> 00:20:35,256
Okay!
490
00:20:36,756 --> 00:20:38,491
Please, slow down!
491
00:20:38,525 --> 00:20:40,093
I'll never catch up!
492
00:20:40,127 --> 00:20:41,562
I'll die out here!
493
00:20:41,594 --> 00:20:43,596
(GASPS) My bowl!
494
00:20:43,630 --> 00:20:45,165
(SPLASH)
495
00:20:45,198 --> 00:20:47,935
I'll ride out the flood in my own ark!
496
00:20:47,968 --> 00:20:51,537
Kiss my ass, Stan, you crazy dick head!
497
00:20:51,571 --> 00:20:52,807
(GASPS)
498
00:20:52,857 --> 00:20:57,407
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